punnkzero

[punnkzero]

I may not be that active but i swear I’m worth the love y’all 😭

[punnkzero]

It is a Sickness

This is no longer some silly insecurity, this is a sickness, an evil.

I want to cut off the parts of me I can’t stand to think about let alone look at. Something in me wont let me be happy with myself and I’m scared I’m too comfortable in my misery that, Ill never get out of it. I am sick, and dont know what else I can do. They say I wont be happy if I continue doing these unhealthy things and how dangerous it can be but if it works, I think I will be happy. In a sick way I think it would make me feel better. My mind is sick and my body is paying the price. I feel nauseous everyday, I’m dizzy fumbling over my own feet at work, I always look 10 seconds from falling over, I’m weak and can’t get out of bed sometimes. I feel terrible but if it makes me look even the slightest bit “better” I wont regret it.

I may be pretty and beautiful. I May have a boyfriend who looks at me like I’m breathtaking but I can not shake this feeling. It is a long time coming I’ve been like this, since I was little and it ruined my childhood. I was always worried about how I was big, at an elementary school age I was worried about my body image. I never enjoyed anything because I was always worried about my looks, I don’t want that anymore. I want to enjoy my life, but I also want to look in the mirror and not want to cry, it hurts.

I will always be the fat friend, always on the sideline. Even if I lost weight, this mindset does not leave.

I’ve weighed myself everyday, EVERY DAY. I don’t eat for days, it takes its toll and i feel like garbage but I can’t stop. I just can’t. If i tell anyone they wont care, they can’t help. Ill just get pity and stupid talks or they just will stop caring. I don’t want to look broken, people get rid of broken things. No one wants that.

This is all I have control over, nothing else in my life do I have all this control

- Just something I wrote at some point

[punnkzero]

warm hugs 💛💚

[punnkzero]

Quick draw of the main character in my story. Does the way she looks make you curious about the story?🤔🤭

[punnkzero]

It’s so boring without the person that makes you feel completely heard. I’m missing a good friend right about now and it’s just so dull without them. They’re the light of my day, my favourite ray of sunshine. Everything’s all blaugh.

[punnkzero]

A letter to My Love 2|5|23

Loving you is a scary thing, ya know?

You make it so easy though, its never been hard to love you

You are beautiful in every way, when we’re together its as if its only us

The whole world goes quiet, and you’re all I see

My heart is full of you, and only you. You have this power over me though, and that

Is scary.

I trust you completely and I know you’re true, genuine, you are the one person who

Makes everything worth it. Screw what people say about young love, screw it because young love is

The truest most raw form of love there is. I know how I feel and I know how real it is

You are magnificent and I’m proud of what you do and what you want to become

I will be by your side through it all because you are so bright and I cannot wait to see when your hard work

Pays off, your success will be amazing.

Nothing lasts forever and I know that, so I will love you with everything I’ve got and if our time comes

I will continue to love you, that will not change even if how I love you does.

[punnkzero]

[punnkzero]

Old Short Story

Here is an old short story I wrote in middle school for a snapshot writing assignment inspired by this picture..

FREEZING

As i'm walking through the freezing cold snow, the violent wind nearly knocks me over.

I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I know i won't make it. I keep going despite the fact that i want to give up.

I suddenly feel a pain shoot up from my toes and make it's way all the way to my shoulders.

My body temperature is quickly decreasing, i feel i'm close yet so far from my destination.

I can't fight the fact that i am going to die today.

I finally make it to a frozen over lake, i have no idea if this ice can hold my weight. I have nothing to lose so ill take the risk.

I start walking across the ice and when i finally believe that i'll make it, after a few more steps i hear a cracking noise.My heart is beating so fast that i can hear it in my head. I nervously look down and see a massive crack directly under me, i make one move and i'm toast. I brace myself for what's about to happen and start running as fast as i can trying to survive.

As i get closer to the other side the ground disappears from under me, i quickly hold my breath before being submerged underwater. There is no way out of this i will either drown or die from hypothermia. But i don't give up. I try punching the ice but it is too thick. I accept the fact that i am going to die.

I can't hold my breathe any longer. I start to feel a piercing pain in my head and I can feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier.

Suddenly I’m warm, I’m not cold anymore. Finally I can rest..

[punnkzero]

Let’s talk about how I started this and went nowhere with it. If I’m being honest completely on brand for me. But like I said once before everyone has a story and here’s part of mine.

I have gone in and out of my depression for YEARS, like I can only remember my life from after the age of 12 which is quite scary given that I am currently 18. Like that is most definitely a bad thing that I have little to no recollection of my childhood, but if I look at a picture taken when I was real little I get a fuzzy memory. Like I said I struggled with my depression for quite the while, and it was to the point that I got comfortable with the pain so the next time it got bad again it wasn’t too surprising it was as if I was greeting an old friend. Getting to comfortable almost killed me,and did in fact cause me harm.

Now I’ve been bullied for everything in the book through the years and talked down on by friends, family, and others alike so I’ve grown to deal with things a bit funny. I’ve had issues with self harm, disordered eating, body image issues, the whole Shabam.

Everything that I do has a reason even if I don’t completely remember what it is. As I’ve mentioned previously I am queer, that was a fun adventure (not). I had a tough time figuring that shit out and am still kinda doing that (which is okay) I’ve had a friend who threw religion at me and hated that I was gay, I’ve been called slurs, switched from gays to bi to pan to bi to lesbian to queer, its been a messy time. I’ve actually been embracing myself and expressing myself nowadays which is a great step. I never really came out as queer/gay but I think people can just tell or they just knew because it was never a secret I just never said “ I’m gay” Coming out as Non-binary on the other hand was stressful, I think the first 2 people I told were my one friend who came out as nonbinary first and who actually (follows?) me on here and our mutual friend. The first friend I mentioned was actually a big help and still is, and I told are mutual friend because I knew she was going to be supportive. I haven’t come out to my family, well not really, my sister knows I think. I honestly don’t think Ill ever come out to my family, my friends know and respect me and that’s all I really need. My circle is pretty good at the moment.

Now back to why I originally started writing this,I’ll save the details of my life story for my therapist. I haven’t written much because my mental health has been real shitty lately. It’s weird because its not in the way it usually is and that freaks me out,I think its because I’ve grown and learned from the times before. I genuinely refuse to be miserable like used to be, I want to be better and I think I can achieve that. I’ve been trying to heal from all the things I’ve gone through and its working but I just need a nice hard push to fully get there. I haven’t been the slightest motivated for anything and somehow I wrote this whole thing in one go on a random Thursday with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have midterms next week, I’m failing my classes, I’m exhausted 24/7, I feel as though I am dying and yet here I am. My heads weird like that for some reason, maybe I’m strong, or dumb, I don’t know one or the other.

So here’s some of my story, I can’t wait til I can tell the stories of others. And if you wanna hear more in-depth about my weird existence I have no issue sharing (my therapist doesn’t deserve all the tea to themselves) I’m pretty funny I like to think.

[punnkzero]

I’m learning to keep my own secrets, good and bad. If people are going to refuse to listen, I’m done talking

[punnkzero]

People open my eyes

[punnkzero]

Not all who wonder are lost

[punnkzero]

Introduction

So I am going to just put out there I have never used tumblr before but here we go. I mainly wanted to try it out because someone said I should make a blog. Anyway... I am a Nonbinary and queer individual, I'm quite odd if we're being honest. I don't want my name that attached to this so call me Mars or Zero. They/Them pronouns are preferred. I guess I'm just using this as a way to get my writing going, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and what not. I don't have anything else that really needs to be shared, at least I think.

Some get to know me : I love rock music and am obsessed with Greta van fleet (I saw them in concert not to long ago) My favorite color(s) are purple and yellow. I'm your average gay tbh :)