questionablyrhetoric - Tumblr blog

[questionablyrhetoric]

she loves me

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Post nut clarity’s for losers and men, I’m a post cut clarity kinda girlie

[questionablyrhetoric]

Self harm is really just self-bdsm. People I’m not depressed, I’m just kinky

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my mind is so fucked.

and not in a “i’m so emo and broken” way. i just know i’m fucked. i spoke to a doctor today to get my stitches removed and she told me “most people who engage in sh usually have a motive. either to release pain or seek comfort or due to an addiction. so what’s yours?” but i just didn’t have an answer.

because i have no motivation. there’s nothing that actually causes me to do this. not anymore. i can easily quit, i have for over a week now with no effort. i never do it in a panic, never to release pain. it’s like making a phone call. you do it, and then it’s done. i do it, patch myself up, and go on with my day. and when i realized there’s no actual cause for this, i realized i’m really fucked.

anyways, i’m gonna try and get therapy. go me.

[questionablyrhetoric]

christmas came early (had to reach through the bars like a monkey) (is that racist?)

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Behind every gay person is a gayer, more evil gay person, and a little off to the side is a social worker inside a horse.

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rip gregory house you would’ve loved the phrase womp womp

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there is no love as pure as the love between a trans man and saw (2004)

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i may have accidentally started a mildly concerning codependent relationship with my best friend. this is to the point of a death pact. should i be concerned?

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so i went to the hospital yesterday. hurt myself really bad (beans), and actually i would find out i hit an artery. got sewed up and put on antibiotics. the doctor was hot too so win for me.

tw. graphic photos

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the worst part of being black and depressed is if i don’t comb my hair, it doesn’t become all aesthetic “frayed ends frames face all sad like” no i just become a fucking q-tip.

[questionablyrhetoric]

to drag me out of my bedroom, my mother put on the nirvana mtv unplugged.

…yeah.

[questionablyrhetoric]

oh god. oh fucking god.

my best friend and i had a little incident today—basically i got insulted by our group and for some reason i cried (i haven’t slept well). i just got off the phone with her. it’s 10:06 pm. basically she said she was sorry, and that she didn’t mean it.

but then shit got really bad because she’s just as messed up as i am, and she’s getting worse. she was doing good, but she can feel herself getting worse. and i had to lie directly to her when she asked if i was okay. i’m not okay. i’m not okay in the slightest but i can’t tell her that because i can’t allow her to take it on. i love her more than the world, than anything. i can’t force her to hear about my shit.

i’m the worst fucking friend imaginable. why? she doesn’t deserve me, doesn’t need to hear this, doesn’t need to worry. i can’t have her worrying. i need her to be okay or i can’t live with myself. i love her and i’m scared that she’ll figure out how fucked up i am and she’ll get worse, she’ll relapse, she’ll attempt. i can’t do that but i can’t abandon her. i’m scared. i don’t care about myself but if anything happens to her i couldn’t handle it.

i don’t deserve her. she doesn’t deserve this. any of it. and to know i’m a cause, a worry. i can’t sleep.

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i relapsed and it’s bad and i’ve hit new levels and i’m scared and i can’t do this anymore.

my mother broke a door down to get to me last time she found out. she bashed my head against the wall. i’m so fucking scared right now of what’s going to happen but i can’t stop because i see nothing in front of me anymore. the only thing keeping me alive right now is a stupid fucking pact i made with my best friend as a joke.

i’m bleeding through clothes i have blood on my phone i wake up at 5 am just so the house is asleep. i’m scared i’m so fucking scared of what’s going to happen because nobody can help me. i won’t go to a hospital, i know i won’t. i’ll probably get murdered and this isn’t a fucking joke. i’m scared for my life, for my survival, and even though i don’t want to be alive i don’t want to die by someone else’s hand.

i’m scared and trapped and i did it myself.

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WAIT A DAMN MINUTE.

WHERE DID RHE APEIL FOOLS TMAGP ON PISODW GO??? I WAS BUSY AND DIDN’T LISYEN WJERED IF GO??????????

IS MY THEING BROKEN??? AND I HALLUCINATING??? DID THIS ENEBR HAOPEN????????,,

edit.

well apparently nothing mattered and it would’ve wasted my time.

[questionablyrhetoric]

is it weird i don’t want to kill myself until after my shitty high school play? i’m the lead and we don’t have enough people for understudies so…guess i’m surviving until june!!