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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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The Most Important Lessons We Can Take from This Pandemic

“And the people stayed home. And read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being, and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently.” ~Kitty O’Meara

While this pandemic is turning out to be a very confusing and difficult time for many people, it is undoubtedly giving humanity an incredibly rare opportunity to learn some challenging lessons. I believe these lessons will trigger a much-needed change of perspective for how we do things on this planet and will hopefully enable us to turn over a new leaf.

For so long it felt that we had been living in a way that went against everything that is natural and sacred.

We had been living in a way that neither serves humans nor the natural world, and yet we continued on this path seemingly powerless to stop what we were doing.

It’s as if we were all part of this machine that kept on chugging along, but no one could find the stop button. Well, that stop button has arrived and it’s not like anything we could have ever imagined.

Over the last several weeks we have seen a massive change in our priorities, and the economy has echoed this to a great degree. Sales of food and health products have gone through the roof, while sales of clothes, makeup, cars, etc, (you know, the stuff we don’t really need but think we need to attain some kind of happiness) has plummeted.

In my personal life, I can feel that my priorities have massively shifted due to this pandemic, and it has been eye-opening to see how so much can change in such a short space of time.

I recently found myself looking at pictures I had taken a couple months ago of me and my daughter out and about, and suddenly this strange thought came to my mind: In some way, life will never be the same again.

I think most of us are wondering what the future will hold and how this pandemic will change the way we do things, but I feel there is no way to escape the change in perspective that it will bring.

This is our silver lining, and it will hopefully allow us to look back on this time and feel there were some benefits.

Here are six valuable lessons I think we will learn from this.

1. The power of stillness.

Our lives were put on pause, many were forced to work from home, and we can longer travel unless necessary.

With this, we were given the power of stillness and the opportunity to unapologetically slow down. There is no other situation other than an outbreak of a virus where our world would come to such a pause. This will most likely be an opportunity that we never get again (and ironically, we are all hoping we won’t ever get again).

As such, now more than ever—for those who are still under lockdown—this is the time to go within and be still with yourself. Heal, remove emotional blockages, meditate, and practice yoga. Take this opportunity to do the inner work that you previously had no time for. If ever there was time for personal transformation, it’s now.

And as the lockdowns begin to lift perhaps we will see the value in living a quieter and more peaceful life.

2. Friends and family mean everything.

Probably the most difficult part of this journey for most people is being separated from their friends, family, and maybe even a romantic partner.

I once heard someone say that “connection is something that all humans need, but we are just not very good at it.” Who here feels that maybe they took human interaction for granted before this? I will raise my hand to that.

Connection is something that is so critical for our emotional and mental well-being, yet it something we often take for granted.

After this is over, I think people will reach out to each other like never before and everyone will be so overjoyed to see their loved ones again. And just maybe we might be a little bolder and share our smiles and greetings with those we don’t even know.

3. Nature continues to thrive even if the world has shutdown.

For many during this lockdown, including myself, nature has been a life saver. Whether we spend time in our garden, walk through a park, do gardening, grow food (I grant that not everyone has been able to enjoy these luxuries), or simply poke our head out of our window for some fresh air and sunlight, the serenity of nature has been something we can rely on. While the world stopped, nature remained constant.

Incredible stories have also emerged about wild animals taking over quiet city centers and dolphins returning to waters that they haven’t been spotted in for hundreds of years. Nature never stops, and the sad truth is that less human activity has meant that nature has been able to thrive in a way that most of us haven’t seen in our lifetime.

Yet, maybe seeing nature in full force with all its beauty will prompt us to create new systems where humans and nature can thrive together. I can’t bear to think of losing our new fresh air or the animals that have finally felt safe enough to come closer to us. Perhaps this will be the big wake up call we needed.

Either way, I believe humans will make a renewed relationship with nature and just hopefully this might lead to big environmental change.

4. Material goods mean nothing.

As I have already mentioned, this pandemic has forced us to completely rearrange our priorities, and I can’t help but feel this is a good thing. What good are material things when your health, safety, and access to food are jeopardized? They mean zero at times like this, which I think just helps us put into perspective exactly what we should be prioritizing in our lives.

Since realizing this virus was going to be something that was very serious, I have barely bought anything that isn’t absolutely essential. And of course, this doesn’t mean that I am done with buying beautiful clothes or things to make my life more enjoyable, but it has cast a light on how little I actually need and what truly makes me happy.

5. Our health is gold.

Health is something we so easily take for granted until it is at risk. The possibility of our health taking a downturn has made many of us pay more attention to our nutrition intake and cleanliness. Some of us have even been taking preventative health measures and steps to boost our immune system.

If we have a working body with no serious physical ailments, we should be beyond grateful!

6. Essential workers are heroes.

Every good story needs its hero, and in the story that is playing out on our planet right now, our heroes are of course key workers—healthcare workers, delivery drivers, bus and train drivers, and those who work in the supermarkets and food distribution. These are the people who are keeping everything going and right now risking their health and safety every day to do it.

In the past, so many of these professions were deemed as jobs that require little skill or don’t deserve much pay, but right now there is no saying what we would do without these people.

I hope in the future these professions shall be seen with high esteem, and the soldiers fighting on the frontline will be remembered. If this pandemic is teaching us one thing, it is not to take anyone or anything for granted.

What Will Be the Outcome of All This?

I think everyone is wondering what exactly will come out of this crisis and whether we will really change our ways. Will we learn the lessons or go back to the way we were before—our unhealthy ‘normality’?

This is yet to be seen. However, as individuals we can make our own choices, and it is our individual choice that will make all the difference.

Let us learn from this situation and do what we can to preserve nature, to bring more stillness into our lives, and to never take people or our health and safety for granted again. As always, individual change and transformation will always triumph.

#Arabella Lumley

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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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How to Tame a Worrying Mind During Difficult Times

“Mental health is just as important as physical health.” ~Unknown

Our main focus during this challenging time is quite rightly on our physical well-being. But we shouldn’t forget about our mental health considering these are stressful times for all of us.

Will we get sick?

Will our loved ones die?

Will we have enough food to feed the family?

How will we pay the bills?

How long do we have to stay in?

Will things ever get back to normal?

So many questions, so many worries.

Worrying used to keep me awake at night. It occupied every space of my mind during every waking minute. I always felt on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I didn’t feel like I could handle life at all.

My life was like this for many years until I began to understand myself better. I healed my past traumas and learned to respond to myself in effective and compassionate ways.

Some of what I’ve learned has helped a great deal during this time of uncertainty and unpredictability. This has resulted in me experiencing great mental health with well-balanced moods, resilience in the face of challenge, and solid emotional regulation skills.

And let me tell you, I was pretty much the opposite extreme before, so these mental health secrets really do work. I want to share them with you so you too can benefit, because emotional well-being can help see us through the challenges that lie ahead.

Mental Health Booster #1: Be Present

When I used to worry and cripple myself with anxiety, I was caught up in my head. I followed every thought like a puppy chases a squirrel. It was too tempting, and I couldn’t resist it. One fearful thought led to another, and down the slippery slope of worry I went. I never landed anywhere pleasant.

Being caught up in my mind meant that I wasn’t present enough to pay attention to myself, so I didn’t know how I felt or what I wanted. I was just stressed out of my mind while staying stagnant in my life.

Being caught up in your head right now probably looks like worrying about your health or someone else’s, watching the news and feeding your mind with more and more scary updates. Maybe you can feel that you’re spiraling and your anxiety is increasing. Maybe you’re obsessively following the media coverage and forgetting about everything else.

These are examples of not being present.

Being present means being fully in the moment. It’s not being distracted but engaging with what is.

So instead of filling my mind with worrisome news, I tend to what is going on right in front of me. I may play with my baby, cook for my children, or take a warm bath. In this way, I am there both physically and emotionally, which helps me to stay out of my head.

During challenging times, I pay particular attention to any distress signals like shallow breathing, feeling shaky, or having a tight chest. I no longer see them as something additional to worry me but rather as signs that alert me to take a break.

I pause and get still. I start to be there for myself.

I reconnect with what is going on around me. I ground myself in my body. I focus on my breath.

I slow down. I get present.

Then the anxious voices in my heads, my little worry warts, begin to fade away.

Mental Health Booster #2: Feel and Validate Your Feelings

We all experience an increase in uncomfortable feelings during challenging times. If we have to stay at home, there are fewer distractions to take our mind off fearful thoughts and difficult emotions.

We can easily find ourselves overwhelmed by our feelings.

I remember many times in my life when it felt like the walls were closing in on me while something horrifically painful inside me was trying to break out. I felt hot and panicked. I didn’t know what to do and worried that I was losing my mind.

I had been avoiding and fighting my feelings for so long that I didn’t understand them. I feared them. I used all my energy and effort to suppress them, but every now and then, during challenging times, I couldn’t keep it up

The additional stress was simply too much.

One day I read that we were meant to feel our feelings. Wait, WHAT!?

Mind. Blown.

I had been fighting my feelings and running away from them all my life, and now I was being told that if I ever wanted to get better, I had to feel my feelings.

So I started letting them happen. It wasn’t comfortable and it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it because I realized resisting my feelings was what actually made it all so painful.

I learned that I had to stop telling myself that I shouldn’t feel how I was feeling, that I was being ridiculous, that I was too sensitive, and so on. I was invalidating myself. I was shaming myself for feeling whatever I was feeling.

I was making myself wrong for feeling all the time. No wonder I felt overwhelmed when experiencing something I had judged as shameful!

Invalidating our feelings is harmful to our mental well-being. It erodes our self-esteem and leaves us feeling broken and defective. It makes us disconnect from ourselves, and we begin to make all the wrong choices because we no longer know how we feel and what we want.

Staying mentally healthy during difficult times requires you feel your feelings and allow yourself to process them, which means not fighting or avoiding them.

It also means that you have to learn to validate your feelings. This involves you normalizing and empathizing.

You do this by telling yourself that it’s okay to have this feeling, and that any human with the kinds of thoughts you’re thinking or the kind of experience you are having would feel how you’re feeling. Tell yourself that it’s okay. That in itself is reassuring.

For example, most recently I have been experiencing fearful thoughts about the health of my loved ones. I worry that they’ll get sick, or worse. Instead of fighting my worry, I validate my fears and soothe myself.

I can see that it’s perfectly natural to worry about losing those you love and that the anxiety I experience is a result of these kinds of thoughts. My anxiety is therefore perfectly normal considering the circumstances, and I don’t have to see it as a problem, which in itself is reassuring and decreases my anxiety.

Mental Health Booster #3: Engage with Something Meaningful

When we learn not to make our feelings problems, it creates the space we need to engage with something meaningful, something that matters to us, something that brings us joy.

And what is really important for our mental well-being during difficult times is to engage in something meaningful for us.

We can choose something fun, something silly, something creative, something lighthearted. We can come up with new projects or can focus on being productive in some way. We can improve our relationships by having some fun or being caring toward each other. We can play with our kids.

Whatever it is, choose something. Get present and engage with it.

It will take your mind off things. It will give you a break.

Don’t let a difficult situation confine and restrict you.

This isn’t about denying or avoiding the realities of a difficult situation. It’s about preserving the mental energy needed to deal with it in the most effective and compassionate way possible.

And a big part of preserving our mental energy and health is maintaining a sense of purpose in the face of a crisis.

This is something most of us have in common: We all want to feel that we are useful in some way, that we have a purpose, that we’re doing something valuable.

And there are so many different things we can do to have that experience. But in order to do so, we need to have space in our minds, which requires us to practice being present, to feel our feelings and to validate them.

—

I hope that these three mental health boosters help you as much as they have helped me. I am grateful to you for reading this, as this is my meaningful contribution that allows my mind to focus on something I find valuable and enjoyable.

About

Marlena Tillhon

Marlena helps people who struggle in relationships, due to codependency, insecure attachment, and unresolved trauma, develop and change in ways that allow them to finally get the love they need. She works as a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and clinical director and loves to connect on Instagram or via her Love with Clarity Facebook group and page. She is an expert in human relationships and sees them as the lifeblood of a meaningful existence.

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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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Beating the Coronavirus Pandemic: It’s All About Endurance

“When you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill

A couple weeks ago the Greek government announced that our quarantine would continue “well beyond April 6th,” the original date for which it had been set. We knew this was coming, but it was still hard to hear. And it was this same moment that my memories as a long-distance runner came flooding back.

I started running track and cross country when I was eleven years old. I joined the Los Gatos High School Track and Cross Country team when I went to high school where we trained hard and all year round. Our coach would give us a program for the summer and at the end, we’d spend a week in Lake Tahoe, training where the air was thinner. This thin air made it so our lungs had to work harder, and we’d get stronger.

I wasn’t just a long-distance runner, I was a long-distance runner with asthma, and that made things a little trickier. Running wasn’t a matter of mind over body for me, it was a delicate balance of my mind pushing my body but staying within range of what my lungs were capable of.

Most of the time, my asthma wasn’t an issue. But sometimes it was, and if you’ve ever suffered an inflammatory lung condition, you know that even the strongest will is rendered powerless if you can’t breathe. It humbles you, and that humility is useful.

As a former asthmatic long-distance runner, I understand we can’t beat the coronavirus through force of will. We beat it with patience, intelligence, discipline, and persistence.

We stay home so the virus has fewer opportunities to spread. We wait while doctors develop first an antibody test, so we know who is now immune, and then a vaccine, so we actually can eliminate it. This takes time, and this will take patience.

When I focus on my day-to-day life in the middle of a lockdown in Athens, it feels familiar—it feels like I’m on a cross country running course again.

The first week of self-isolation was like the first half mile. I started out fast and optimistic. “This is going to be fine. I’ve got this!” I told myself as I cleaned my house, made healthy food, set up video meetings with my friends all over, bumped up my at-home workout regime, and organized my new work life.

But at week two, the second half of the first mile, I started to feel the effects. It wasn’t so fun. I missed going out to restaurants and events. I missed human interaction. “When will this end?” I wondered. On a cross country course, this is where your body starts to settle into what it understands will be a long journey peppered with pain, and that’s if you do it right.

Because I’ve been a distance runner, when I look over the horizon of this pandemic, I know what’s coming. It’s waves of pain, moments of boredom, and waves of determination all threaded together. In a race, I’d keep my mind on the long view, the finish line, but I wouldn’t obsess about it. It’s too far away.

Mainly I’d look down at the ground in front of me to make sure I didn’t trip. I’d manage my breath, check my energy, push myself when I saw other people getting tired, and pace myself for the long stretches in between.

When I’d start to get really tired, I’d begin to count in my head. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 and then start again. Something about putting order and structure around the situation made it easier for me to go on.

This quarantine is sort of the same. I break my day into tiny chunks and just focus on the piece in front of me. I take the dog for her morning walk, I prepare my home studio and teach a live-streamed yoga class, I make my next meal, I spend two hours answering emails and writing, the list goes on, and the day finds a rhythm. It’s more solitary than it was before, but I’m adapting and finding my way.

And I learned to have a flexible understanding of the finish line. I had a truly great coach in Willie Harmatz. He’d push us hard, but he cared about us so we worked hard to make him proud. And his efforts paid off. Our teams were some of the best in the state.

I remember one track meet at a neighboring city where we’d raced, done well and were heading back to our school. About a mile and half away, he had the bus stop, told us to get out and run home. I was shocked. But he looked us straight in the eyes and said “You’re tired. It’s a good time to run.”

I hated him in that moment, but he trained me well since that’s probably going to be how this pandemic journey will be.

It’ll be hard to know when the race is over. And probably when we think we’re done and we’re tired, that’s when we’ll be called on, one more time, to do a little more. But if your thinking is stable and you have the right tools, the road might be long, and the journey might be painful, but it’ll be okay.

About

Lynn Roulo

Lynn Roulo is an American Kundalini Yoga and Enneagram instructor living in Greece. If you feel like you’d like more “tools” for this pandemic, please join her from anywhere in the world for her donation-based Zoom Kundalini yoga classes. The schedule is here.. Check out her books and read about her journey from being a San Francisco CFO to an Athens yoga instructor. And connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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Maybe This Forced Pause Is Actually Good for the Planet

“The earth is what we all have in common.” ~Wendell Berry

I love the warmth and brightness of sunny days, but I’ve always enjoyed the stillness that comes around as the rain starts to fall, as well.

Creatures retreat to the warmth and dryness of shelters and home spaces. Outdoor work and routines are rethought, sometimes placed on pause. The world, at least as far as the rain clouds stretch, quiets.

In some ways, these current moments in our world feel like one huge rainstorm—one that, instead of only a few miles, spans the entirety of our planet. And while there are moments that feel scary, as we all navigate uncertainty and unchartered territory, there are others during which glimmers of hope and magic seem to be surfacing.

Among the many posts about ways we can all take action to help keep our families and communities safe, there are also statistics emerging about reductions in gases relating to energy and transport, as well as photos of things like clearer canal water and satellite images showing dramatic declines in pollution levels.

While we’re all taking a break from the hustle and bustle of our daily routines—with all of our consumer-based ways in tow—maybe the Earth will have time and space to reset a little, to find a better balance, to heal.

Maybe we’ll have time and space to think more about the things we want and the things we need, and how our lives and our daily activities and patterns affect the world around us.

Maybe the waterways and the air will continue to become cleaner and clearer.

Maybe the dolphins will continue to come closer.

Maybe the levels of atmospheric nitrogen dioxide will continue to decrease.

Maybe the Earth will surprise us with the ways that it is able to make quick changes during only a brief pause in the output of our everyday industry and pollution.

And maybe we all will notice these changes and they will inspire us to make our own.

Patience. Kindness. Compassion. Love.

These are qualities of action and of being that will help us, and the people around us, to move through and around this smoothly. These are also qualities of action and of being that we can extend, in everyday ways, beyond this particular stretch of time, to our planet—as it, too, moves through and around this (and us) smoothly.

Keeping these qualities at the fore, while interacting with others, might look like truly listening while others voice their concerns or struggles. It might look like checking in with older neighbors to see if they need anything before making a trip to the store, making time to connect with friends and family members more frequently through the online world or phone calls, or just, in general, getting creative with how we connect.

And keeping these qualities in mind while interacting with and on behalf of our planet might look like continuing to be resourceful long after this unusual experience is over—really thinking about the things we buy, whether we truly need these things and how long they’ll last before they find a spot in a nearby landfill.

It might look like continuing to plan our trips better, so that we’re driving less—or growing more gardens, so that we’re less dependent on transported, packaged foods.

It might look like resource sharing with our neighbors… and doing whatever we can do to live in a way that is less focused on short-term desires and more focused on what is good for the overall wellness of this world that we all get to be a part of.

Sitting quietly outside, it feels like the wind is whispering, “Are you seeing this?” And I’m wordlessly responding, “Yeah, it’s as if the whole world is simultaneously awake and asleep—as if we’re all suddenly paying more attention and in the process of resting and resetting a little, in ways, as well.”

It is surreal, and strangely beautiful.

About

Carrie Ciula

Carrie Ciula is the author of The Little Book of Big Life Change, which explores nine key elements of well-being and offers a wide-spanning, complete approach to regaining balance in our lives. Visit her at carrieciula.com, or connect with her through Facebook or Instagram.

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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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We Have to Own Our Part to Heal Our Broken Heart and Find a Deeper Love

“True love does not only encompass the things that make you feel good, it also holds you to a standard of accountability.” ~Monica Johnson

I remember the confusion I felt as it slowly began to register to me that he had indeed read all of my messages and was indeed ignoring me. Even though my eyes were telling me this, it still didn’t make any sense.

Just the day before, he’d initiated contact, called me beautiful, and wanted to know the details of my day. We’d talked all day that day, as we normally did. But this was a new day. And he ghosted me. He discarded me.

It hurt like hell. My heart felt like it had literally been ripped out of my chest by the Hulk. It was forceful and it was intense.

This absolutely could not be happening. So I ashamedly sent a few more messages, but he still ignored me.

My tears flowed like a steady spring rain. My head hurt. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to do anything but see a notification from him, proving me wrong. Proving to me that he did not ghost me, that this was a terrible dream.

But that solace never came.

For the first few days after this, I craved him like my favorite dish.

But then I started to realize that this man who’d shared so much intimacy with me had just left me with no explanation. No goodbye.

So I became angry.

I was slowly going through the grieving process. Denial. Sadness. Now anger. I was about to enter my next phase, which was acceptance. I reached this phase through accountability. I realized that even though the way he exited our relationship wasn’t mature, I wasn’t innocent.

I’d been needy, desperate, and clingy, and I’d hung my self-esteem on his “hey beautiful” texts like a person gasping for air. He was my air. His validation is where my self-worth started and began.

I began to realize that I had pushed and pressured him. I had made him the source of my joy. I had put a heavy burden on him. I was taking love from him and not giving him love in the way he needed it.

It would have been easy to play the victim, to say “woe is me” and hate him. It would have been easy to be resentful, bitter, and full of venom.

But instead, I chose the road of accountability.

I extended him grace and realized that as humans, we are always doing what we feel is best for us at each moment. I extended him forgiveness and I forgave myself.

I looked back over the last months and realized that I had abandoned myself. I had abandoned the self that was secure and had outsourced my self-esteem to him. It wasn’t fair to him. He hadn’t signed up for that.

Yes, he could have handled it better. He could have had a conversation with me. He could have done all kinds of things. But at the end of the day, that’s his cross to bear. My cross is that I had to begin to heal from this experience, I had to grow from this experience, and I had to evolve into a woman who was ready for true, genuine, reciprocal love.

I knew, deep in my heart, that he was the catalyst. So I thanked him. I released the hurt, anger, and confusion. It turned out that ghosting experience was the best thing that could have happened to me because it put me on the journey to true love.

Through this experience I learned:

-The importance of knowing your worth in a relationship

-To recognize and understand my boundaries

-That it’s okay to be selfish and put your needs first in dating

-What it really means to love and accept myself

The day I thanked him in my heart and released the pain from that experience I learned so much. That day mostly taught me how living as a victor will attract the deepest love you have ever felt. I’m so happy I didn’t listen to my ego and stay in victimhood. I conquered. I took accountability.

If you choose to see what you gain from breakups, even the ones that break your heart into a million pieces, you will be much closer to experiencing a love so strong it will knock you off your feet.

If you want a deeper love, you need to be whole. Wholeness requires healing.

So many people are walking around as empty zombies, full of resentment and bitterness. Usually this happens when we’re unable to take responsibility for our part in a hurtful situation.

I understand you may have been cheated on, lied to, left in the cold, used, or, like me, you were ghosted. But do you see how in some ways you might have ignored red flags, or you were not firm in your boundaries, or how you sought validation outside of yourself, or were clingy, or pressured the other person into a relationship?

I am not blaming you. I am not making you wrong. I am asking you to take accountability for how this situation can teach you where you are wounded, and use it as your catalyst. After you’ve come out the other side you will be so much closer to transformative love.

The purpose of accountability is not to negate what the other person did or to make you feel regret, shame, or guilt. Those emotions do not serve you; they only keep you stuck in a downward spiral.

No, no, accountability is about realizing you have more power than you think. In many cases we get our hearts broken because we give our power away. We make others responsible for our happiness, joy, and worth. It’s not fair to them.

When we put people in this position, they may feel cornered. They may feel they have no other option but to run. That doesn’t condone immaturity or insensitivity. But odds are, they don’t mean to hurt us; they just don’t know what to do. It happens. If we dry our eyes and ease our anger we will see that this situation provides an opportunity to take a deep look at ourselves and recognize just how much love we are giving ourselves.

In order to get love from anyone else, we have to love and heal ourselves. We then are able to attract whole and healthy people who are ready to love us like we truly deserve.

Guess what?

The next man I met became the love of my life. And six years later, he has never ghosted me.

About

Angela Holcomb

Angela S. Holcomb, aka the Wifed Up Coach, coaches women on how to embrace their authentic feminine essence and become high value women who date intentionally. She is also the author of, 21 Days of Feminine Magnetism, you can get the first two chapters of her book free on her site. Also, be sure to join her Facebook group.

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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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In case anyone needs some motivating reads 💓 If you are suffering from anxiety or any Coronavirus related stress or depression, PLEASE contact me, do not suffer in silence. Free mini remote reiki, chats and laughs aplenty for those in need 💓 • • • • • #healing #bekind #reiki #reikimaster #crystals #wisdom #love #cleansing #horoscope #wellness #health #grateful #kind #goodvibes #book #yoga #happy #goodvibes #astrology #coronavirus #kindness #gratitude #anxiety #meditation #energy #positive #buddha #depression (at Bayswater) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-HOKfeH9R5/?igshid=1qqi4d98p6ag8

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💓 • • • • • #healing #bekind #reiki #reikimaster #crystals #wisdom #love #cleansing #horoscope #wellness #health #grateful #kind #goodvibes #tarot #yoga #happy #goodvibes #astrology #womensday #kindness #gratitude #women #meditation #energy #positive #buddha #iwd2020 (at Bayswater) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9eQ3Bfnxcp/?igshid=oron2fxfzo18

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✨Don’t forget to SAGE your S P A C E 🍃 • • • • • #healing #bekind #reiki #reikimaster #crystals #wisdom #love #cleansing #horoscope #wellness #health #grateful #kind #goodvibes #tarot #yoga #happy #goodvibes #astrology #smudging #kindness #gratitude #sage #meditation #energy #positive #buddha #selfcare https://www.instagram.com/p/B9XYbZznoNo/?igshid=10cq9opbd43gf

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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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9 Powerful Lessons from People-Pleasers Around the World

A woman struggles to tell her boss that no, she won’t work overtime for the third day this week.

A man feels resentful in his relationship because he always gives, and his partner always takes.

A woman wants to stop faking pleasure in the bedroom but doesn’t know how.

Though their stories differ, these folks share a painful secret. They worry that if they are truly and authentically themselves, they will not be loved or accepted. They have spent their lives morphing into smaller, more “acceptable” versions of who they are, sacrificing their authenticity along the way.

I, too, am a recovering people-pleaser. In my teens and early twenties, I listened in envy as my friends splattered their unfiltered truths across our conversations like fistfuls of finger paint. Meanwhile, every time I needed to turn down an invitation to a party, World War III raged in my chest as I was racked with nerves and guilt. The thought of disappointing others terrified me.

I used to feel terribly alone in my predicament. Specifically, I was convinced that 1) I was the only one who struggled with this degree of people-pleasing, 2) there was something dreadfully wrong with me, and 3) I would be that way forever.

In the years since, my work has led me to speak with recovering people-pleasers, recovering codependent folks, highly sensitive people, empaths, and chronic caregivers around the world. From Ireland to Yemen, India to Malaysia, France to South Africa and more, I’ve spoken with folks who are conquering the people-pleasing pattern, setting empowered boundaries, and mastering the art of speaking their truth.

Their stories taught me that people-pleasing is a very common—and entirely breakable—pattern. From hundreds of conversations, here are the nine most valuable lessons I learned:

1. If you don’t speak your truth, your truth will speak through you.

At first, staying silent to keep the peace sounds like a good idea. Why speak our truth and deal with others’ negative reactions when we could stomach our own discomfort like champs? Those of us who played the role of peacekeeper in our families of origin will find this approach familiar, maybe even comfortable.

But people-pleasers around the world agree: external peace does necessitate inner peace. When you stay silent, the folks around you might be blissfully ignorant, but you feel the repercussions emotionally and physically. Debilitating anxiety, depression, jaw tension, and stomach aches, for example, are common symptoms folks report when they stifle their voice over an extended period of time.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Recognize that speaking your truth isn’t some corny self-help mantra: it’s a necessary prescription for a psychologically and physically healthy life.

2. If it’s hard for you to access your wants and needs, a great first step is to tune into your body’s simple physical desires.

Even those of us who have long histories of people-pleasing can access the sacred whispers of our inner selves through our bodies. As Martha Graham famously wrote, “The body never lies.” We can begin living our truth by listening for our bodies’ cues for food, sleep, movement, sex, dance, and play.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Sleep when you’re tired. Don’t eat food you don’t like. Don’t have sex if you’re not in the mood. Dance when you want to dance. The more you practice listening for these simple wants, the more complex desires will arise.

3. Expecting others to mind-read your needs is a recipe for resentment.

In the past, I spent undue time and energy analyzing others for cues of their likes and dislikes. I was a bonafide chameleon, tailoring my colors in whatever way I believed would please others most.

Given my hyper-vigilance to others’ preferences, I believed that if people really knew me and really loved me, they would predict my needs, too. Unfortunately, you can’t love your way into being a mind reader, and I was regularly disappointed when folks didn’t show me care in the way I wanted.

When we assume that others should automatically know how to take care of us, we assume that we all share the same definition of being cared for. You might need your partner to say, “I love you,” but your partner might show her love by rewiring your toaster.

Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages depicts five distinct ways folks show love, including words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Avoid the guessing game and explicitly communicate your needs often.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Explain your needs to loved ones to avoid mixed messages that could lead to painful miscommunications.

4. Caregiving can be selfish when we don’t have a strong foundation of self-love.

Many people-pleasers take care of others because it gives us a sense of value. We structure our identities around being reliable, generous, good listeners, and maybe even sacrificial. However, if we give care to others without taking care of ourselves—without developing our own interests—we may find that we need to be needed to feel a sense of purpose. This means that we may insist on caregiving even when our efforts are no longer required, requested, or welcome, which can violate someone else’s boundaries and autonomy.⠀

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Give yourself the degree of love and care you’d regularly give to others. Pay your bills. Go to the doctor. Take quiet time. Treat yourself to a nice dinner. This way, when you do make the decision to take care of others, you can do so with no strings attached.

5. Just because it feels awkward to state your needs and take up space doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means it’s new.

Many of the folks I spoke with remembered how scary it felt to state their needs and take up space at first. To them, it felt “impossible,” “terrifying,” and “overwhelming.” Can you relate?

That discomfort is a natural growing pain. After all, breaking the people-pleasing pattern means rewriting the scripts you’ve followed since childhood. Maybe as a kid you were told that speaking your truth made you unlovable. Perhaps you were bullied in school for being different and made fierce efforts to blend in as a result. Regardless, you are breaking a years- or decades-long pattern of making yourself small. It will feel less challenging with practice.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Instead of interpreting anxiety as a sign that you’re doing something wrong, reframe it as an affirmation that you’re doing something new—and growing as a result.

6. It’s totally normal to feel mean, guilty, or overwhelmed after setting a healthy boundary.

If you grew up in an environment where you were punished or neglected when you expressed your true feelings, learning the art of honest expression is a radical act. The simple act of setting a boundary may feel like an enormous emotional upheaval. You are learning how to stand up for yourself, and like any new skill, it takes practice.

After setting a boundary, you might wonder if you’re a bad friend/mother/colleague/[insert role here]. You’re not, of course, but your nervous system needs to learn that with time.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Acknowledge that by setting a boundary, you’ve just done some serious emotional work. Hold yourself with compassion and give yourself permission to rest and recuperate.

7. If you struggle to set boundaries, you might have a tendency to cut people out when resentments arise. Learning to set boundaries will help you maintain your relationships through moments of conflict.

For much of my life, I was unable to maintain a single close friendship for more than a year. It seemed that every friendship eventually withered away—not with a bang, but a whimper.

When I sat down and reflected on this pattern, I realized that when conflicts arose—and conflicts will naturally arise in all meaningful relationships—I had chosen to let the friendships fade instead of addressing, and resolving, my grievances.

People-pleasers might cut folks out when we don’t have the tools to communicate how we really feel. When we break the people-pleasing habit, we develop the ability to have difficult conversations with friends and loved ones—which enables us to nurture and strengthen those relationships.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Contrary to popular belief, boundaries are an invitation to connect. Remember to consider the many ways that setting boundaries will benefit, instead of threatening, your relationships.

8. Sometimes extroversion is just people-pleasing at a social scale. For some of us, breaking the people-pleasing pattern means learning to embrace our own introversion.

As people-pleasers, we regularly act against our instincts to become a version of ourselves we believe is lovable. For many of us, the bubbly extrovert we present in social settings is really just an unconscious performance. In my conversations with many people-pleasers, I was shocked to hear gregarious, fast-talking folks share that all they wanted was permission to be quiet. “I want to trust that I’m worthy of love even when I’m not entertaining others,” they would say.

As children, we may have received love only when we actively acted in an outgoing, cheerful manner. If our parents were addicts or suffered from mental illness, we may have acted as their de facto caretakers, providing sunshine, reassurance, and good spirits. As a result, we feel that in order to be loved, we must be constantly happy or outgoing—and we are exhausted by it. In adulthood, we’re tired of performing and we crave inner peace.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: Practice giving yourself permission to not always be “on” around others.

9. There is no “right” way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship.

I had to leave a platonic relationship recently. It was a friendship that had many beautiful parts and many toxic parts, and my decision to leave was fraught with indecision.

In the aftermath, I felt a hundred ways about it. I felt grief at the loss. I felt empowered for advocating for myself. I felt anger at the circumstances that led to our dissolution. I felt compassion for my friend’s limitations, as well as my own. I felt self-doubt and found myself second-guessing whether I handled the conflict properly. I felt hopeful for friendships yet to come. And I really missed my friend.

There is no right way to feel after leaving a toxic relationship. Relationships are never one-dimensional, and so our emotions when they end will rarely be one-dimensional, either. You can simultaneously be certain you had to leave and miss the person terribly.

Recovering people-pleasers around the world recommend: When you leave a toxic relationship, recognize that all of your feelings are legitimate. You don’t need to pick just one.

⁠—-

Years and hundreds of conversations later, my initial understanding of people-pleasing has shifted entirely:

The myth: “I am the only one who struggles with this degree of people-pleasing.”

The truth: If you are a recovering people-pleaser, you are far from alone. Millions of folks worldwide are doing the challenging and rewarding work of learning to speak their truth. There are even Facebook support groups like this one designed specifically for folks who are working to conquer the people-pleasing pattern.

The myth: “There is something dreadfully wrong with me.”

The truth: As a kid, people-pleasing was likely how you secured love and affection from distant, neglectful, or self-centered caregivers. It was a survival strategy. Now, you can give yourself permission to let it go.

The myth: “I will be this way forever.”

The truth: People-pleasing is not a life sentence; it is a pattern that you can break with practice and intention. You can seek support from friends, therapists, and coaches as your practice the art of radical self-expression.

As hundreds of folks around the world made clear: With time and intention, you can master the art of speaking your truth and find the strength, authenticity, and inner peace you’ve been waiting for.

About

Hailey Magee

Hailey Magee is a Certified Life Coach who helps individuals conquer the people-pleasing pattern, set empowered boundaries, and master the art of speaking their truth. She has worked with over 100 clients across the United States, France, Yemen, Ireland, South Africa, and more. Sign up for a complimentary, 30-minute consultation to learn how coaching can guide you to live from a place of strength, authenticity, and inner peace. You can follow Hailey on Facebook and Instagram or visit her website, www.haileymagee.com.

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reikisessions · 5 years ago

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If You Hate Your Body and Think You Need to Fix It…

“That girl was fat, and I hate her.”

One of my clients said this the other day—about herself. Well, her little girl self. And my heart broke.

One of the very first things I do with clients is encourage them to practice self-compassion and kindness—just extending themselves the same basic human compassion and kindness that they would anyone else.

Very much the opposite of what most people who struggle with weight and food are used to. After all, when it comes to our weight and food, we’re programmed with messages like “You just have to want it more, be motivated, build your willpower muscle, try harder, work harder, be better…”

Perhaps to some, it may sound easy or silly, and it’s hard to understand what the hell kindness and compassion have to do with weight and food struggles when we’re so programmed to believe the opposite.

Just extending yourself some basic human kindness and compassion really does end up being one of the most important things to do when you’ve struggled with weight and food for a long time. It’s also the hardest, and some struggle more than others with this simple concept.

Personally, I struggled hard with it when I first started trying.

I hated myself. I hated and was ashamed of every single thing about me, and didn’t think I deserved any kindness or compassion. But I knew that if I ever wanted to change the way I felt about myself, I had to figure out how to find some.

So, I started picturing a little girl version of myself when I felt like I needed kindness and compassion. If I couldn’t give it to myself, I’d pull up a mental image of her and direct it that way.

It worked, and it’s a trick I’ve also been using with clients since.

But the other day, this woman (like many others) said, “Little girl me was fat… and… I… hate her. How am I supposed to give it to her when I hate her too?”

It broke my heart, but it didn’t surprise me, and as I think about it, it makes me angry. It makes me angry because this beautiful lady wasn’t born hating herself for a little belly roll. She learned to from our stupidly broken society and has carried that belief around with her every single day since.

From the time we’re old enough to make any kind of sense out of the world around us, we’re taught that fat is the enemy.

Mothers have been taking their kids to Weight Watchers meetings with them to get publicly shamed for the number on a scale since they were seven or eight. We’ve been warned “Better not eat that, you don’t want to fat, do you?” as though it was a fate worse than death, while simultaneously being taught that food fixes everything.

“What’s wrong honey, you’re sad? Here, have a cookie.”

“Sore throat? Here, have some ice cream.”

We’ve watched as weight loss, at any cost, has been rewarded. Those who lose it are treated like royalty—showered with praise, attention, and acceptance, while we watch those who gain get whispered about behind their backs for “letting themselves go.” Or worse, they get openly teased and made fun of to their face—often even by friends and family who supposedly love them and claim to do it out of love and concern.

Our society has programmed us to believe that fat is the enemy and thin people are somehow better than those who are bigger, through millions of micro (and macro) aggressions over the course of our entire lives.

And here’s what’s happened as a result:

Tens of millions of people (big and small) are wasting literally their entire lives desperately trying to “fix” their “fat�� problem so they feel more acceptable to the current narrative that size and shape determine human worth.

And when they put on a pound, they hate themselves.

It’s all so unbelievably toxic, damaging, and counterproductive, and it fuels the exact “problem” our population is obsessed with trying to “fix.” Because the individuals behind the war we’ve waged on fat, go through their entire life hating and rejecting themselves.

The stories they tell themselves about themselves end up looking a whole lot like this:

I’m worthless and unlovable if I’m not skinny. I’m a failure if I gain weight. I’m useless and stupid. I ate bad, so I’m bad. I’m such an idiot because I let myself go. I’m disgusting and don’t deserve to feel good or be treated well (by myself or others).

You may be thinking, “Good, how else are they going to get motivated to get their shit together and lose the weight!” You may even follow that thought with the typical “I’m just worried about their health” tripe. (If you still believe that weight loss obsessions are in the “best interest” of public health, pop over here and read this piece).

Think about those words for a moment and consider how they make you feel. Now think about the impact of hearing them running through your head on autoplay, both consciously and unconsciously, tens of thousands of times a day, every single day, for years or even decades.

We believe the things we tell ourselves. And if we’re telling ourselves that we’re worthless and unlovable and failures because of extra body fat, we believe those things to be true of who we are at our core, what we’re worth, and more importantly, what we deserve in life.

And we treat ourselves accordingly.

That woman I spoke of a minute ago? Like tens of millions of us, she struggles to feel anything but hatred for a little girl who she thought was fat. The little girl who doesn’t even physically exist anymore but is built into the fabric of who she is now and how she feels about herself because she carried those stories, feelings, and beliefs into adulthood.

So did I. And I’d be willing to bet, so have you. Because we all do.

So, she doesn’t prioritize herself. She does everything for everyone else, while ignoring what her mind and body need until she has no physical or emotional energy left to do anything. And then, when she can’t seem to muster the energy or willpower to force herself into following someone else’s stupid food rules to “fix” her “weight problem,” she hates and berates herself even more, and the cycle just keeps feeding off itself literally forever.

No one in the history of mankind has ever thought, “I’m such a worthless failure, I think I’ll do something really nurturing and kind for myself and my body today.”

That’s not how those stories work. That’s not how the shame they create works because we treat ourselves how we believe we deserve to be treated.

When we associate our happiness and worth with our weight, weight gain makes us feel less worthy. The less worthy we feel, the less health-promoting behaviors we engage in.

We don’t move our bodies (unless we decide to “lose weight”) because we don’t prioritize their health. We only care about the things we think we have to do as punishment for weight gain and to “whip them back into shape.” Corporal punishment is literally built right into the way we talk about it. But because we’re treating it as punishment, we can’t stick to it.

We eat and overeat things that make us feel like garbage (and gain weight) on autopilot, as habit, as punishment, as reward, to numb and soothe, to celebrate, to mourn whether our bodies need or want those things—who cares what our bodies want, anyway, right? We’ve spent decades hating, berating, and learning to not trust those.

That’s why stories matter. That’s what they have to do with weight. That’s why the entire weight loss industry has become such a friggen joke.

We have got to stop demonizing and prioritizing weight. We have to.

Instead, we have to shower ourselves with kindness and compassion. If we hate ourselves too much to consider that, we have to shower a younger version of ourselves with it (just keep going to the youngest version you need to, in order to find a version of you feel compassion for).

Kindness and compassion are so heavily built into this process because we cannot change self-punishing behaviors until we stop believing we deserve to be punished.

If you want to change your weight, health, or the relationship you have with your body or food, you have to change the way you feel about yourself, and you cannot do that while you’re continuing to berate yourself with stories of being worthless because of what you ate or what the scale says.

It’ll just never happen.

We have to stop rejecting parts of ourselves, since rejection writes those stories in the first place, and start working with the way our brains are wired (changing the thoughts and stories that create the beliefs that drive self-destructive habits and behaviors). And we have to tune into our thoughts and the wisdom of our own bodies with kindness and compassion.

When we stop focusing on weight and weight loss and instead focus on shedding the stories (and beliefs that cause self-destructive choices), then, and only then, are we able to forever shed physical, and more importantly emotional weight they may have created. It eventually just becomes an effortless side effect.

About

Roni Davis

Roni Davis is a coach, author, speaker & podcaster who helps women rebuild trust, compassion, and connection so they can heal their relationships with food, themselves and their bodies and live the healthy, peaceful, joy-filled lives they deserve. Find her at RoniDavis.com, on her podcast at It's All In Your Head and don't miss her information-packed free ebook: ronidavis.com/whydieatthat designed to help you begin uncovering your barriers to weight loss, healthy eating and why the heck you eat so self-destructively sometimes.

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