relaxedmouse

[relaxedmouse]

The Poem of a Long Journey

When you drop by to visit me again, you look upon the familiar white desk and see that I've left you a little note. It tells you that I am leaving on a long journey. There are answers that I need to find, things that have eluded me for much of my life and that I wish to finally discover now.

I will gaze at the ocean and raise my eyes to the sky, I will turn over green leaves in forests and old cups in kitchen drawers, I will wander through shadowy hallways and the mist of forgotten dreams, and then when the time is right, I shall return to you.

And what will you do during this time? My hope is that you will find brighter places, more beautiful views, and climb higher stairs in your life. Find what you can do with your hands and your head. Find the goal that is truly close to your heart. And then look back at the past without regret. That is the best hope. Time flies by so quickly. This year has barely begun, but the new year will appear before we know it. When the fresh dawn arrives, perhaps we will walk by here again and find new versions of each other.

[relaxedmouse]

pile o’ furrets

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[relaxedmouse]

Pastel Sunset Over Pines

[relaxedmouse]

Friday Afternoon, Searching for Purpose

Wouldn’t it be lovely

If I could reach inside my mind

And find the right words

To say to you,

Like the magician’s hand

Pulling the fortunate rabbit out of the black hat?

But no, my idea is a car in traffic,

Stuck and stuttering,

Waiting for ages,

And lost, unable to find the path anyway.

[relaxedmouse]

chickens 🐓

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Winter wonderland in New York City ❄️.

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[relaxedmouse]

stars and water are perfect together ✨🌊

[relaxedmouse]

Softening the Darkness

Last night, I stepped outside the house

And my eye was caught

By the soft, pretty light

Casting a glow

And drawing shadows from the

Black bicycle, the tall fence,

The coil of the garden hose.

I turned my head this way and that,

Searching for the streetlamp that was the source of this light.

And then I realized.

And I looked up.

And I saw the radiant full moon.

[relaxedmouse]

On the Path to Destiny

Fear,

Rage,

And a constant desperate hope

For forgiveness

Must be pushed aside.

These distractions are just

A bunch of thorny vines in your way.

Cut them down

To clear a path

And go fulfill your duty.

[relaxedmouse]

princess aurora ✡

- 

my shop | free wallpapers!

[relaxedmouse]

My annual New Year poem. I started it while trying to be more optimistic this year, compared to the previous ones, but I ended up injecting a ton of caution into it instead. I guess that’s just how I am. Anyway, happy New Year to all of you! May 2022 bring you great happiness.

[relaxedmouse]

Unfulfilled

Open a gift box -

Empty inside.

Oh,

That shiny bow,

That colorful exterior . . .

Full of promise,

But failed

To deliver joy.

This

Reminds me

Of someone.

[relaxedmouse]

Last year I painted some studies using screenshots I took in Three Houses as reference. I believe I spend a good amount of hours just zooming in an out around all the maps lol.

Portfolio/other info: https://toivoshi.carrd.co/

[relaxedmouse]

Phone Call and a Blue Sky (short story, 900 words)

"Hi, dearie! Sorry I missed your call from earlier. I was so busy before, but I'm free to chat now."

It felt nice to hear your voice again, even if it was only over the phone. In my head, I imagined you relaxing on your favorite plush chair in your living room. You gazed out the window, enjoying the pleasant blue sky, while you spoke to me.

"It's fine," I replied. "How are you? Everything all right? Feels like it's been a while since we last talked."

"Oh, I'm doing great! No need to worry. Just, you know, I've been occupied with this and that. Life as usual."

"Right. Um. Anyway, I left a voice message earlier . . ."

"Yeah, I got it. And yes, this Saturday works for me. I look forward to having lunch with you!"

What a relief, I thought. Some good luck had smiled in my direction. It wasn't often that you had the time to hang out with me. Your work kept you busy, and whenever you did have free time, you spent it with your own family first. It was only natural that you'd prioritize them over me. I understood that, honestly.

"Glad to hear it," I said. "I can't wait to catch up over lunch. I bet you'll have loads to tell me about what you've been doing since we last met up."

"And you too, of course!"

"Ha . . . that was a joke, right? You realize that nothing new ever happens with me."

"Oh, don't say that. I know what you're like. You always say 'my life is so boring; nothing happens' but it's not really true. When the time is right, you know how to be super interesting, dearie."

After all this time, you still called me "dearie". It was a very old term of endearment, carried over from a long-ago era. It gave onlookers the wrong impression, making them think you held much more affection for me than you actually did. But I knew better. You continued using that word merely out of habit. It no longer carried the same level of warmth as it did in the past. Oh, it was still genuinely friendly, of course, but it wasn't quite what it used to be.

Your husband didn't mind you calling me "dearie". Your husband didn't mind that we remained friends who spent time together on occasion. That, more than anything else, was proof of where we all stood. That was the rock-solid evidence that he had your heart completely, and he saw not even a chance of a threat from me. He knew it, and I knew it.

"I doubt I'm really that 'interesting', but sure, I'll take the compliment. Thanks," I said mildly.

"Oh, you. So modest. You haven't changed a bit over the years. Anyway, did you have anything else you wanted to mention?"

"Uh . . . what do you think of the weather?" I winced at my own awkwardness. In truth, I just wanted to keep you on the phone, but this was such a lame attempt at doing so.

"It's good. It's been nice and clear for a while. I hope this keeps up."

"Yeah. Me too."

And then we fell to silence, which was even worse than my flailing remarks about the weather. What had happened to us? In the depths of my memory, I could recall the nights when we'd stay up doing nothing but talking. Once upon a time, we were unable to get enough of each other's conversation. We'd keep saying that we needed to go to sleep already, but then we kept finding one more comment to make, one more question to ask. And now . . . though you occasionally carved out a little slice of time for me, I knew that the vast majority of your attention belonged elsewhere.

I made a few more meaningless remarks. I managed to keep the chitchat going for just a bit longer. You responded with flawless cheeriness, but then you sweetly put an end to my futile effort.

"Hey, dearie, it's fun to talk with you, but I don't want to take up too much of your valuable time. We are going to meet up in just a few days. Let's save the best topics for then, all right?"

"Yeah. Okay," I said.

"So, see you on Saturday?"

"Certainly."

Once we were there, I'd have to savor the moments. No doubt, there would be ages in between this meeting and the next. I was not one of the people who got to see you every day.

My hand continued holding the phone, long after the call with you ended. I was lost in the sea of my own thoughts. I wondered how many more months or years I was going to live in this state, of wanting more than another person could give me.

It would be wrong to say that I was miserable. That wasn't exactly the case. Really and truly, I was glad that you'd found such warmth and happiness in your life. I didn't want to tear a single piece of that joy away from you.

I glanced out my own window. Still a bright blue sky, but of course it wouldn't stay that way forever. There were other items waiting on my to-do list. Sooner or later, I'd have to leave this spot and move on with the rest of my day.

[relaxedmouse]

Looking Forward, Looking Back

At the end of my life,

I will look upon you

And then the waterfall of memories

Of all our years together

Will wash over me.

And I will feel so very full

Of gratitude. Joy.

Not the tiniest piece of regret.

In that moment, when the sun is setting,

The shadows grow,

And the finale draws near,

I'll still love you

Every bit as much

As I always have.