reticentboy

[reticentboy]

I’m a mess

Simple as that. I’m a mess and it’ll be a miracle if I find someone who will understand me and be with me...

[reticentboy]

Will I ever?

I’m 28 in a month and it’ll be almost 9 years since I kissed a girl.  I don’t even think I look that bad... Will I ever find love? Will I die alone, never loved, never in love?

[reticentboy]

TV Shows

Anyone like me always just sink in the world of a tv show you’re watching and when the TV show finishes you have a problem to get back to the real world? It’s so hard to be back in the boring, lonely, ordinary life...

[reticentboy]

Update

Ok, so yesterday we had a christmas party at work. Sooner that day, I found yout that the collegue I have a crush on has a boyfriend... So I was like I have to stop with this “crush thing”. There are a lot of people here I’ll just talk to different people. She came to the party a little bit late and all chairs were taken. My boss sitting next to me gave her his chair. Just my luck... So I spent almost the whole party talking to her. Well, now I have even bigger crush on her...  Just 4 days at work remaining before christmas. Hopefully over the christmas I’ll find a way to not think about her all the time. I can do it! Right? Please?

[reticentboy]

This is gonna take a while...

Can I just stop thinking about a girl I talked to like three times? She’s beautiful, she’s different than others(don’t know if it’s a good thing yet) and she smiled at me and that’s enough for my brain... Why? Because I’m 26 and I’ve never been in love and I desperately want it but at the same time really afraid of it.  Still I’ve had it a few times that I can’t stop thinking about someone randomly but this time it’s much more intense... that’s not a good sign. This will take a while to get rid of. Today was like listening to love songs for 4 hours straight. Maybe it’s not only about her but about me in general wanting more from my life. To find the one girl I’m waiting for...

[reticentboy]

Not again

We have a new co-worker in the office for like 2 months, she’s beautiful and until now we just said hi and smiled at each other. Today though, we talked for like a second time... So that automatically means for my brain that I can’t stop thinking about her even though I don’t really know her. I have this every time a nice girl smiles at me, talked to me or whatever... It never ends well. I’ll never do anything. I’m shy, bad with women and I never asked any girl out. So in next weeks I will be trying to not think about her and in the same time smiling at her in the hallway when I see her. I’ll try to somehow start a conversation with her when I see her and then later telling myself I shouldn’t be doing that because I need to stop this phase! Also I’m not 100% sure but I think she has a boyfrined so I don’t have any real chance with her... And still next week we have a christmas party at work and my brain somehow still gives me hope.  Please my brain, just stop with this!!!

[reticentboy]

Another wish

I just want to be in love...

[reticentboy]

My wish

All I want is to watch Twilight movies with my girlfriend...

[reticentboy]

What do I like to do???

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have potential to be good at something ... But WHAT IS IT? I don’t want to be doing these jobs that I hate. I want to do something I’m good at and something I enjoy. That’s the most important thing for me. I want to enjoy my work. Even if it’s like an average salary for my country (low for others) I would definitely take it. BUT WHAT IS IT? I just don’t know. I’m not like those people that have hobbies that could be as a job. Like writing, painting, singing, etc. Do I have any hobbies? I do, right? I mean watching movies, tv shows are not even real hobbies, everybody does that.  But a normal hobby ... I probably don’t have one. I’m so broken ...

[reticentboy]

Jobs

I’m now on my 3rd job. After college I was a finance advisor and I hated it. Then receptionist which was ”meh” and now dealer in casino.  Why dealer in Casino? Well I wanted to live in UK and I had no idea what job I would do here. I’m not really manually skillfull and didn’t want to wash dishes or somerrhing like that. So I signed up for a dealer course. So now I work different hours every week ... When I’m on night shifts my sleep is totally messed up because I don’t really sleep well during the day. 

I really don’t like my job. The problem is I never liked any of my jobs. I’ve never felt like I enjoy working. I think that’s the thing I envy some people the most. They just enjoy their job. I don’t know that feeling. I just envy people that are passionate about something since their childhood and now they can make a living thanks from that. And everywhere you see this motivational speeches and quotes that if you do what you’re passionate about you can make it. The problem is I never had anything like that!!!

I don’t write, I don’t sing, I don’t play any instrument, I don’t act, I’m not that good with computers, I’m not funny ... All the cool jobs are just not for me because I’m just too NORMAL. Don’t know or can’t do anything extraordinary.  So what I’m supposed to do? Do something I don’t like for the next 50 years? GREAT!

50 years of going to work, suffer there, go home, go back to work ... I don’t know how long will I endure this dealer thing ...  I really want to come back home but what if the job I’ll find next will be even worse? 

[reticentboy]

[reticentboy]

Phases and fantasies

I really wonder how long I will be posting here. I'm that kind of person that is always really excited about something and that this could finally be something I like to do and help me in life. So I start reading about it, studying it, watching videos, can’t stop thinking about it, how awesome it will be when I’m that good and so on. Then a few days later I’m back to the "surviving mode"I do it more and more often since I moved. Because I just don’t have anything else to do. Some of them are pretty similar. Just some imaginary ways how to quit this awfull job and do something I like as a job. I’ll give you some examples from just last 6 months.

- Poker player - I will get that good that I will be a pro making money. Got a lot into studying the game, the numbers, started a pokerstars account. It wasn’t that I lost all my money there I was like even. But I just didn’t want to play that many hours the same game. I just went all-in because I was bored ... oops.

- Stock trader -  I will get that good that I will be a pro making money. Until now I still get that stupid ads on all those trading schools.(no I didn’t pay anything for them.) I gave up after a week.

- New card game is coming out - I will get that good that I will be a pro making money. Before the game was even released I couldn’t think about anything else. Then I played it and it was “meh” and too hard for my brain.

- Go back to playing the old card game I used to play -  I will get that good that I will be a pro making money. I always like to play it but it’s just a big grind to do it and I’m too dumb for it.

- German - trying to learn german in hope to get better job when I get back to my home country (probably the only reasonable one and also the one I’m currently on)

- Winning in lottery - YES. The most common fantasy for me. When I’m in bad phase I’m capable to go on several weeks with thinking about this every moment of the day, can’t sleep because of it etc. I’m just surviving from one lottery draw to another. I’m not spending some crazy money for it. Usually just 2-3 set of numbers but still hoping for the win and be convinced that it’s the only thing that can save my life. I got from the last one like 2 weeks ago - thank god. It was because of christmas ... It was the only thing that would get me just quit the job and fly home to be with my family on Christmas Eve and the New Year’s Eve. Rough times to be alone for that time of the year.

Still have my ticket though but not thinking about it all the time feels good. Next draw is tonight btw.

- Tumblr??? - well, I don’t know if this is another one. This is something that can help me to share even though noone reads it. It’s not about making money or something that can help me to leave my job so hopefully it’s not just another phase.

Still a lot of things things I keep thinking about in my damaged head over and over but never actually started to do anything about it or it’s such a big fantasy that I can’t even.

- Become a youtuber - no idea what videos I would do - always find something in my head for that particular fantasy.

- Become a twitch streamer - playing video games from my home as a job? Please someone, make it happen!

- Become an actor - just yesterday I was thinking about this at least 2 hours before my sleep. I have always some scenarios. (I will meet a director on the street and he will choose me for his new film, I will take part in a casting and they will choose me even though I’ve never done it and I never acted before.)

Then I become hollywood star and it all starts.

- Get a super power - of course it’s here. Don’t even get me started on this. There are just too many of them.

- become an athlete - usually footballer as I used to play that. In 26 I’m just a forgotten talent for sure.

- become a game designer, programmer or tester -  I love games but I don’t know anything about it.

- marry a millionaire - Always imagining with loving that person. Never just do it for the money.

- write a cookbook - I love food, I love cooking so why not?

- become a film critic - I watch film and TV shows A LOT. So why not just do what I love and write about it? Will start watching Titans on netflix tonight, is it good?

- become a writer about video games - similar with the one before.

- become a book writer - just need to come up with a good story and I’m the next J.K.Rowling

- start a business - always a different one. 

- become a singer - yes even this was my fantasy a few times especially in the time when I was watching x factor and these similar shows. In the reality you should run if you see me starting to sing.

-become an ambassador in foreign country - yeah but languages are so difficult to learn. I would take some nice spot in US, Canada, UK or Australia you know but there are too many people speaking English and I don’t have any connections there. I would have to learn some uniuqe language - like Japanese ... too hard though.

- marry a star - singer, actress ... whoever. Last time it was Emma Watson I believe ... 

- get back to being a kid with all my knowledge, memories, skills etc. - The possibilities!!!

I’m definetely forgetting a lot of those that kept me from falling asleep. I’ll update you when I enter another phase or will get some new interesting fantasy into my crazy head.

[reticentboy]

Present

In College I was in every class with someone different and didn’t know anybody. So my lonely path begun. Since then I started to close myself more and more. Yes, there were some exceptions meeting some old friends but then I was right back. 

I don’t want to analyze every year what happened and so on. Let’s just jump into present. Now I live in foreign country for almost 6 months already without a family. In those 6 months all I do is go to work, be at home, go shopping. That’s all. So I lay in bed in my small room all day when I’m not at work and that’s my life right now.

[reticentboy]

When did I become the way I am

I think I should start with telling you my life story but it’s really ordinary and boring. I’ll start with me guessing when and when I became the way I’m now. I was always and always will be introvert. Even though at school when I was with people I know from outside I definetely looked like an extrovert. With people I don’t know I was always shy and didn’t know what to say even as a kid. In primary school in our class I think classmates liked me I didn’t have any big problems with anyone. Yes there was some bad moments but overall it was fine. I had some best friends in there. After the school I disconnected with a lot of them ...

After primary school I didn’t really know what I wanted to do in my life. Nothing unusual for 15 year old I would say. After talking with my parents and such I decided for a kind of business school.

High school in here works that way that you are in a class with the same people all day for every subject so ideal for me. I get to know everyone then it’s much easier for me to talk to them. In our class was around 30 people and It was the same as primary school I think. The classmates liked me and I never really had any problem with anyone. After 4 years I graduated and of course it happened again. I had friends in that class but again disconnected with a lot of them even in the society when social networks was already around.

Then I went to college to study business economy with specialization on finance and accounting.  And from that point it slowly started !!!

[reticentboy]

The Beginning

I don’t really know how this works ... Let’s just start with me saying that I’ve never writen anywhere and English is not my native language so this is going to be terrible to read. Your last chance to stop reading is now. OK. Where to start? Why am I here? Well, I’m 26 years old and I’ve actually never ever fully shared my feelings with ANYONE. I just felt I needed to finally get all of it out. So I just googled where to share my feelings, opinions etc. and here I am. I don’t really care nobody will read it or that my writing is bad ... So this is it. The BEGINNING.