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Track 5: You’re On Your Own Kid

Jess Mariano

Summary. Jess falls in love just to leave everything behind for New York.

Warning. heartbreak. fluff. angst.

A whole town could fit in one room.

A room of over two thousand people yet I’m unamused by not one.

I swirled the cup in hand, some random red cherry drink that tastes like tart lemon.

I felt my seat shift as some guy, around my age, sat himself down.

I have seen him around town the past couple of weeks.

I have grown to learn not to interact with him, a trouble maker, he’s the new town gossip.

“Didn’t take you for one to party,” I sarcastically pointed to what seemed like anything but a party.

The room held a solid cold feel to it, a boring crowd.

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” he answered “Luke grounded me, feels like I’m on a tight leash.”

“What did you do?” I asked, sure am one for gossip.

“If I told you, you would probably police me like this whole shit town does” he refused, his eyes wandering around the room.

“I,” before I could reject his deception I was interrupted by Luke.

“Well, that’s my call, I’ll see you around”

The hot summer night air stilled around, too late for anyone to be out.

I lost track of time reading a new book I bought last night in the town square.

A door could be heard, slowly closing.

Jess, the boy from the party, slowly tip towed out of doose’s market with the open-closed sign in hand.

“Didn’t know doose’s closed up so late,” I said, surveying his figure.

He didn’t say anything, just kept walking.

I gasped “you were grounded for stealing, yet you do it again!”

It bothered me, the stoic unbothered feel he possessed so proudly.

“You read?” He asked, changing the subject to the book I had in hand.

“Yeah, I just finished this one,” I raised the book to my chest, “not that great, I mean the writing is moving, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t like what I was reading. I didn’t like the story line.” I walked a few steps ahead, “What about you? What do you do in this life of yours? You know, other than stealing towns.”

“And so I get policed on” he mumbled, stuffing the sign into his armpit.

I don’t say anything, I just walk to Luke’s diner to drop Jess off, assuming that’s his next destination.

“Well,” I gestured to Luke’s door, bidding him farewell “bye, Jess” I waved off.

“You know my name…” he said, slightly shocked, “what’s yours? only seems fair for the name thing to go both ways.”

He didn’t walk in, he stood by the door waiting for a reply.

His eyes bore holes into my skin, I felt myself burn.

“Good night Jess” I smiled, walking off.

“Good night,” he chuckled, waiting for me to walk away.

“New sign?” I asked Luke, sipping my coffee.

“New what?” Luke came back to my seat looking around to what I pointed to, not having heard me.

Jess appeared behind Luke’s back gesturing me to stop.

I smiled shaking my head “sign”

“New wha- oh my god, Jess!” He screamed, noticing the changed sign on the door.

“Yes uncle Luke?” Jess answered, putting down his notepad.

“When we open tomorrow that better be back to its place, and I better have my old sign!” He scolded, taking off his cap angrily walking towards the stairs, Jess following.

“If he grounds me again, your meat.” Jess seethed at me, turning his head to walk up the stairs.

“We’ll see,” I mumbled, taking long sips of my drink.

“Where is it?!” I can hear Luke’s voice upstairs rummaging through Jess’s belongings.

Jess could be heard lightly, the thick walls not conducting his voice that well.

It’s good that not a lot of people are in today, or this would’ve been very embarrassing.

“This, this, all of this! I thought we talked about this already! Return everything back, and pack your stuff, you're not staying here for long!” Luke screamed, running down the stairs and into the diner then out the door.

I felt bad, terrible actually.

I didn’t know that what Jess did was such a big deal, and I didn’t know what I said would impact him that much.

I pulled myself up and to the second floor where I could hear things being thrown here and there.

“Jess?” I whispered nervously knocking the door.

The sun was pouring out of the window behind him as he walked around the room pulling little trinkets and chucking them into his bag.

I felt my chest tighten, maybe it’s because I’m nervous he’s going to scream at me, maybe it’s because he looks so good right now, maybe because it’s the first time I see into his personal life.

Jess caught me staring, rolling his eyes as he stomped his way to me, but before he could put any word in I started rambling him out with apologies “I’m sorry Jess, I didn’t mean to. If I had known it was that big of a deal I wouldn’t have, I’m really sorry Jess, please forgive me.”

“It’s fine” Jess huffed, going back to pushing his belongings into a small duffel bag “it’s my fault, I’m the one who switched the sign and stole all these things”

“You can stay overnight if you want, I don’t mind really, my way of saying sorry,” I tried to fix what I did “and for all this, you should really put it back, I’ll help you”

“Thank you,” he sighed, stopping his movements “but I’m fine, I don’t need your help”

“Please Jess, we can eat pizza and watch a movie after,” I tried to persuade him “your pick.”

Jess swung his bag on his shoulders as he carried two trash bags of all the things he stole for the past couple of months.

He stepped out into the hallway with me “lead the way.”

The sun was near down and after such a long day we were both exusted, some more than others.

“Come on Jess, last stop.” I urged him on kocking on babettes door to return her gnome.

“No, I’m not knocking the door of some old woman’s house, that's how horror books start” he huffed, turning a corner.

“Babette is the sweetest, here I’ll knock” I pulled the statue from his hands as we walked up babettes patio.

I knocked the door three times as babettes ruffling could be heard from the other side, “wait, I’ll be there in a moment!”

“Oh hi dear, come in, come in” she paused in shock realizing why I’m here and what I’m holding “Pierpont, oh honey!” She exclaimed, pulling the gnome from my hand.

“Oh, thank you darling!” She pulled me in for a hug, pausing as she noticed Jess behind me.

She knew that he stole her gnome as she was fighting Luke the other day for him to return it.

“Your welcome” I smiled.

“Come in, I’ve made muffins!” She gushed, ushering me into her home.

“Oh no need to bother, we were just making a stop, maybe next time” I said, backing into the patio.

The sun had set and the town fell into a quietness again, just how I like it.

Jess and I walked side to side, the sound of our tapping feet on the pavement was the only thing to be heard.

“These are really good” Jess spoke up after a long silence.

“Yeah, Babettes muffins are the best! I visit her every two weeks and she always sends me home with a batch, maybe next time you can visit her with me.”

He hummed in response, opening the small gate for me to walk through.

“My parents are still home and if they knew I’m having a boy over they would probably skin me alive” I said, walking him to the side of the house, where my window could be seen.

“Climb up this tree, that’s my room right there” I said, pointing to my window as he nodded.

I pulled away his duffle bag to carry it inside “don’t fall!”

“You have boys here often?” Jess asked, chewing a piece of pizza.

The movie could be heard in the background but it was some horrible romcom and we both had gotten bored 15 minutes in.

“Nope, what made you think that?” I asked, sipping my soda.

“You just seem experienced with the escape route.”

“Oh..it’s nothing like that, I just don’t like staying home that much, I use that tree to get out myself.”

“To read?” He asked.

“Mostly, yes, to read.” I got off the floor while I gathered the pizza box to throw out.

Jess sat in the middle of the floor, so out of place, in a room that was a filled with pastel pinks and ruffles and lace.

His leather jacket was thrown on my pink comforter and I felt my chest tighten.

He looked so out of place yet so perfect like he belonged here.

“You didn’t answer me last time, what do you enjoy doing?” I asked.

“I like music, and reading as well,” he answered.

“What do you like reading?”

“I like the classics, Hemingway,” he started rambling on about movies and books and music but couldn’t hear anything.

I felt like I was flouting between what’s real and what’s fake.

“I have wanted to read that book.” I say as soon as I hear him saying the name of a random book.

I never wanted to read that book.

But now that he has read it I wanted to read it too.

This feels like a dream.

Jess inside my room feels like a dream.

He stopped talking as he stared at me like I did him, it felt like being caught.

“Where did you live before stars hollow?” I asked again.

“New York, with my mom.” he mumbled.

I get the feeling that he doesn’t talk about this normally.

The sun poured into my room in soft rays.

“Jess?” I lazily mumbled, looking around the room for him.

His jacket is gone and so is his bag.

He probably left before I could wake up.

I screamed, stuffing my face into my pillow.

I haven’t seen Jess for a while now.

I wait patently, it’s okay we were the best of friends.

I dropped by the diner regularly for the past week looking for him but he is never there.

I even asked Luke a couple of times and I always earn a: why would I know where that kid ever is!?

Although three days ago I found the book he was talking about on my desk, annotated.

That book is the only thing holding me back from running around town looking for the trouble maker.

I’ve finished the book Jess gave me but I still haven’t seen him to thank him for it or even talk about anything else.

I can’t forget about his scent or his leather jacket.

I can’t forget about the way he talks or his laugh.

My every thought is consumed by his being.

A few months passed and I found myself standing in the corner of another lame town party.

I swirl my drink in hand, a sweet lime juice this time.

A room of over two thousand people yet I’m on the tip of my toes looking for one in particular.

I search the part of better bodies just to learn that he would never care, just to learn that my dreams aren’t there, aren’t here with me.

“Didn’t take you for one to party” his voice sounds like a godsend.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, I’m only here for this boy” I smiled, “5’9, brown hair, leather jacket, looks like he could bite you.”

Jess didn’t say anything.

He just stood a foot away from me, staring at my face.

“I missed you” I said softly.

“Missed you more” he smiled, wrinkling the corner of his eyes.

I hugged him tightly, inhaling the smell of cigarettes, cheap cologne, and rain.

The leather jacket I’ve dreamed oh so much of crinkled between my fingers.

“Where have you been!” I pushed him away to look into his eyes.

“I went back to New York. Did you like the book?” He asked.

“Yeah I did, piece of art.” I noticed Patty and Babette whispering while pointing at us, once they caught my eye they pretended that the ceiling was more interesting " Do you wanna walk outside?” I asked searching his face for any indication that he knows where I’m leading him to.

“Sure, let’s go.”

We talked about the weather and the music, his trip to New York and where he’s staying, his school and reading patterns, new town gossip and Babettes muffins, my new cat and his uncle, the stars and aliens, literature and artificial intelligence.

I returned to the same spot I saw him.

I sat on the same bench, in the same room I had met Jess six months ago.

I stared into his eyes as he breathed out knowingly.

He knew.

He knew why I missed him.

He knew why my cheeks were always pink.

He knew that my heart felt heavy.

He knew that I fell in love with him.

For the first time, I took a leap of faith, I kissed him.

He pulled away, stilling the air around us.

I looked into his eyes, panicking, looking for any indication that he isn’t interested, he doesn’t want this, he is disgusted by me, I had ruined what we had.

And for the first time, Jess Mariano kissed me like the whole world depended on it.

Jess kissed me like all of the books I read.

Jess kissed me like I never thought anyone ever would.

Jess kissed me and I felt the way one feels looking at a great painting, complete.

We were forced to push away, breathing for air.

“You better not leave again” I gasped as he went back in for more.

I felt light headed like I could fly.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he breathed against my lips. “maybe you can come with me.”

“Jess, don’t leave, not yet, please” I pleaded.

I can’t have my heart ache for him again, not again.

“I have to, I have work” he sighed, playing with my fingers.

“Jess please” I muttered looking at our intertwined fingers.

“I’ll take you out on a date, I’ll call you every day at 8 PM and I’ll visit whenever I can.” He assured me.

“I’ll miss you,” I snuggled up to him gloomily.

“Hey, don’t be like that” he groaned, pulling me closer.

And so I filled my nights in a parking lot, planning on running away every single time.

I read books I know he likes and I listen to songs I know he listens to.

I sleep every night waiting for him, wishing one day I could join him in such a big city like New York.

It’s 8 PM again, I touch my phone as it fits his face.

The rain was pouring heavily, as the heavy raindrops could be heard tapping on the window.

And the sound of heavy knocking and door bells.

I was left home alone, studying.

The knocking and ringing didn't stop, only proceeding to be more frantic as I started walking down the stairs.

I contemplated opening the door.

It is a small town anyways who would want to murder me.

I pulled open the door as a very rain soaked, heavily breathing, flushed Jess stood in front of me.

The last time I saw him was the night of our first kiss.

I wasn't prepared to sit face to face with him again.

I wasn't prepared to talk with him again.

Everytime I rang him up the other line would go dead.

Everytime I stood in front of the bus contemplating on whether to get a ticket or not I feel unfulfilled in doing so.

I return home, sit in my bed, and read his annotations.

I would think of him, trying to put together the way he used to talk, how his voice sounds, how he looks.

But here he is, Jess in all his glory.

His hair stuck to his forehead.

His clothes hung to his body, dark and heavy.

His face was flushed with color and feelings and emotions.

I frown, my heart breaking as I went to close the door “I tried,” he sighed out.

“I tried,” he said again, pushing the door open with the palm of his hand, “to forget about you, about this.” He breathed out.

“I was scared every time you called.” He spoke without breaking eye contact, not even for a split second.

“I’m terrible at this type of stuff. I get terrified at the thought of you, of what we could have.” He said in a fast pace, fitting everything in one breath “but I want this, as much as I tried to refrain myself. I always go back to you, like the water I drink, like the air I breathe” and he says he’s not a romantic.

This time around it was his turn, his leap of faith.

He pushed forwards, placing his lips on mine.

Suddenly pulling away, he searched for approval in my eyes.

I kissed him back just as passionate as he just did, maybe even more.

I pushed him on to the shoe rack as he tripped, laughing while he did.

“Bout’ time you let me into your front door.” He smiled.

“Jess, do you want to go upstairs?” I asked as he looked at me in surprise.

“Oh come on, don't get too excited '' I laughed, pulling him upward onto his feet again.

I breathed in the autumn New York City breeze.

I called a taxi to take me there.

After giving the location of Jesse’s apartment, I looked out the window.

I wonder why Jess loves this town so much.

My knees were bouncing, I felt nervous.

The clock read 7:48 PM, nearly 8.

I stepped out of the taxi into New York.

Into the place in Jess’s heart.

I walked up the stairs rather than the elevator, I had time to kill.

Finding his door was easy, but waiting till it hit 8 wasn’t.

When this time came, I rang the doorbell, the feeling of excitement building up in my chest.

But Jess wasn’t the one to open the door.

Rory, the girl I know oh so well, stood in front of me, shocked to see me here.

“Jess, someone’s out to see you,” my dreams are not rare.

“No, that’s um- that’s fine, I’ll be on my way.” I left the hallway in disbelief.

And in the loud city of New York, I could hear Jess’s voice aloud calling out for me.

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