shareyourqueerie-blog

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

“I met my wife 5 years ago. And even though we have been together for 6 years now, people still gets surprised when they hear I’m married. They even ask why I’m married being this young. I keep giving the same response “when you know, you know and she happens to be the love of my life” they laugh and say that’s nice, but deep down it bothers me, you know? Explaining this over and over again because society thinks we are not ready. F*ck that. We are.

I’m happy, she is happy, we are happy, isn’t that what matters? Even my relatives make small comments some times. It’s annoying. She always reminds me how those comments don’t matter and she’s right so I should stop talking about that now and start talking more about her. I’m not good with words and I don’t really know what else to say other than she is my guide in life. I owe her the life I’m living now. I had a rough childhood and found comfort in drugs, something I deeply regret but happened and she saved me. She got me out of that. I put her through hell during those years and it pains me that I did but im glad she didn’t give up on me as I did on myself. 

All of that is behind us now and we are so happy now, I am so happy now. I propose one night while we were playing scrabble, I was so nervous. She started crying, I started crying, it was a mess lol but gladly she said yes. She said yes.”

Story by: Nicole F. 

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption.

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

“I came out when I was 14. My city was a respectable 18,000 people. I played Varsity hockey and lacrosse. I was an honor student. I volunteered when I could outside of my two jobs. What I’m trying to say is, I had a wide net cast over my city and knew a lot of people in it. Though I knew a lot of people in it, I only knew one other lesbian. Her name was Maria, and she was the guiding force in my life that allowed me to live it honestly. 

See, I always knew I was gay, but I didn’t have any leading examples to follow for how to handle being gay. Gay marriage legalization was not anywhere on the horizon. Television was largely heterosexual. Social media was just becoming of age. The only messages I did get my hands on were messages of hate toward the gay community. It was “unnatural”, “disgusting”, and down right wrong. But then there was Maria. I was in 9th grade when I met her, and she was a year older than I. Maria was the first person I had ever met that was gay, and openly out. She was also the first person I ever told that I was gay. 

Maria knew exactly what to do. She brought me to her house and introduced me to her family. It seems like such a simple thing, but it opened my world. Seeing Maria interact with her family – hugging her mom, joking with her dad, playing with her sisters – was everything I needed to realize that I could be out and happy, too. I came out to my family a week later.

I don’t like to talk about the trials and tribulations I experienced after coming out, because they aren’t important. Anyone who lives their truest, most authentic life will experience trials and tribulations. What is important is to focus on what illuminates your life. Not what tries to cast a shadow over it. What I will say is this: I never thought I’d still have all my family standing by my side, but I was wrong. I have an army of support ready to go to battle for me should I ever need them. I never thought I would be able to make friends if they knew I was gay, but now I know that every friend I make loves me for everything I am. I never thought I’d be able to marry the woman of my dreams and, now, I am saving up for a ring to propose to her.

There were three massively impactful words that started a campaign for LGBTQ+ youth my freshman year of college – a campaign that still thrives today. The words, spoken by Dan Savage and his partner Terry Miller, were, “it gets better”. And guess what? It. Got. Better.  That is my coming out story. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Story by: Liv, 26, Minneapolis, MN. 

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption.

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

“My story starts off when I was 19. I had just recently celebrated my birthday and about a year before that, I realized I was definitely not straight. I remember laying on my bed after watching ‘Blue is the Warmest Colour’ and experiencing that holy shit I’m gay moment. It was terrifying, I grew up in a conservative Catholic family so as a young kid I knew I had always felt this way about women, but I was never given the language to express my feelings; or the permission to do so even if I could put it into words. I swore to myself that night that I would never tell anyone that this was who I was, and I really didn’t accept myself fully until about four years later. As soon as I graduated and turned nineteen, it was game on. I was so ready to explore my sexuality and get out there and meet someone. Of course, I did all of this in secret which wasn’t easy, but at the time I really didn’t care.

It was September 6th, 2013 and I was out at a nightclub in town with a girlfriend of mine. She didn’t know about my sexuality yet but after that night, she certainly found out. I can’t fully explain what came over me when I first saw her, it felt like everything around me went into slow motion, and anything that wasn’t her was just a blur. I walked right up to her and told her to buy me a drink, the words came out of my mouth before I had even consciously decided to say them. I believe in soul contracts, that each person that comes into your life is there for a reason. Sometimes they are there as a teacher, a lover, a friend, but there is always a reason. At the time, I thought she was going to be a lover, everything I was feeling was so new. I had never felt so strongly that I needed to know someone, to be with someone. One thing led to another and the next morning I received a text from her, it read something along the lines of “I loved hanging out with you however if we’re going to see each other again I need to be honest about something, I’m transgender.” He then asked me to respect his pronouns and know that he was a boy, not a girl. Of course, I had no issues with this, except one. Until this point I had considered myself a lesbian.

As I mentioned before, I was never really given the language to express what I was feeling in regards to my sexuality so I was very confused because, if I was a lesbian, how could I have feelings for this man? This whole experience led me to realize my bisexuality, and I have heard it all. “You’re too greedy��� “Pick a side” “Bisexuality doesn’t exist” “You’re just slutty” and they are all equally painful to hear. While this is a battle of its own, it’s not the one I’m writing about today. 

My relationship with this man continued and dragged on and off for nearly four years. In the beginning I assumed that because I was from a small town, this was the best I could do. I thought I needed to hold onto what I had out of fear that I wouldn’t find anything else. Although growing up in my family had its downfalls, my parents also taught me a lot of great things. One of those things was the danger of abusive relationships and how to get out of them should you find yourself in that situation. However, they only ever taught me about physical abuse. I was naive and innocent at nineteen, I trusted blindly and with no reservations. Sometimes though, you put your trust into the wrong people. The man I was seeing was extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative, he would constantly string me along with no real intention of ever loving me, even though he knew how deeply I loved him. This went on for almost four years, and despite begging for it, he never gave me closure until recently. 

Right now, in the media the LGBTQ+ community is fighting so hard to show that love is love. To gain equal rights and respect from the straight community. The one thing that isn’t shown though is that even though there is so much beauty and love and strength in LGBTQ+ relationships, there are still abusive people. There always will be, no matter the circumstance, gender or sexuality. 

If I could go back and tell that nineteen-year-old girl one thing it would be this: First of all, you are bisexual. There is nothing wrong with this, even though people both gay and straight will try and tell you there is. He is not going to be the love of your life, she will come later. He will be your hardest lesson to learn. Your sexuality does not define you, and just because your bisexual, that does not give people permission to emotionally abuse you. 

You are so much stronger than you realize, and he is so much weaker than you think. You will get through this, and you do find her. She is lovely, and most importantly, she loves you; the whole you.

With love, Danielle.

Story by: Danielle Olson.

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption.

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

“Existence.

My body a living, breathing, talking prison. 

Inescapable no matter how hard I fight to dig my way out.

My skin, itchy, tight, uncomfortable and just doesn’t seem to fit right.

Like living in a shirt that’s two sizes too small.

My voice, not too high, but now low enough,

A dead giveaway if I am not conscious of the pitch of every word that leaves my mouth.

My figure, looking at my reflection in the mirror is a grueling battle,

Avoided at all costs 

Climbing Mount Everest would be a less difficult feat.

Reflection.

I am not trapped

in my body,

I am trapped

in other people’s perception

of my body.

I am a man,

I see myself as a man.

The issue is

not everybody sees me

how I see myself.”

Story by: Matthew Gooder. 

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption. 

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

“When I was about 11, my friend was over for a sleepover and we were playing this game where you pick three dares and associate them with a number: 1, 2 and 3. The other person picks a number without knowing what the dare is, the third dare I had was to kiss each other for 10 seconds. She didn’t pick the number that went with the kissing dare but I was so curious that I told her it was, and so we kissed. My heart was racing and I was so nervous but when we actually kissed, all I could think about was how soft her lips were and how gentle she was. I was 15 when I first really started to question my sexuality. My best friend at the time, Aimee lived 13 hours away back in my hometown, where we had known of each other in primary school but only really became good friends over FB when I was 15 and she was 16. When she came out to me as bisexual, nothing changed for me and we carried on being close friends for a couple of months after.  Then something shifted. Aimee and I had been texting all night and we’d started this game which was a mix of ‘Would You Rather’ and just plain truths. At one point she asked, “would you rather kiss Jesse (her close guy friend) or me?” and it threw me off guard a bit. But as surprised as I was, I replied almost right away saying I would rather kiss her. The last text message she sent me  she asked Are you bisexual?” to which I replied, “maybe just for you.”

I was scared and confused, but also excited and curious. I told her to give me some time and after a few weeks I told Aimee that I was in it and she asked me to be her girlfriend over Facetime.  Neither of us had dated a girl before, so it was new and exciting for us both. Whilst it was long distance, we made it work,  Nothing ever felt wrong about it; it just worked. I’d never experienced such love and connection, it was easy being with her as her girlfriend. Though she wasn’t physically with me, she made me feel so wanted and valid and loved. 

Most of my friends knew but mum didn’t. Mum’s impression of Aimee had been a bad one since forever. Mum didn’t know about her rough childhood and home life, so she thought she was just a bad kid. It went well for a couple of months, and then one day she walked into my room with her laptop. It was logged in to my facebook account and she was in my messages to Aimee. I immediately knew she knew, because it was obvious from the way we spoke to each other. She was furious, and just kept asking “What is this?”. I tried to explain that she was my girlfriend, but she kept cutting in and saying things such as “But why?” and “How long has this been going on?”. She ignored me every time I asked her how she was logged into my facebook account, but I was sure it wasn’t the first time she had done it. When I read a letter I wrote to her out loud and she said “What do you want me to say?”. It broke my heart a little to see her being so hostile and so angry when I was trying to do the right thing and help her understand it. 

Eventually she started talking to me again but she did her best to try and control the relationship, or rather limit the time we actually had to talk.  Aimee and I dated for over a year, and I visited her once. Our first kiss had me shaking; a mix of nerves but more so excitement. Holding her hand, kissing her, lying in bed with her, it all felt like the most normal things in the world. It was just easy being with her, and I was so comfortable with her because I trusted her as much as I did. About seven months after this visit, we decided to call it quits for a while. The distance got really hard and Mum didn’t really help. 

A couple months later, we decided to get back together.  The second time around was harder. The distance only got harder, and things started going downhill. During this time, she got really close with one of her friends and although she never admitted it, something was happening between them in the last few weeks of our relationship. I knew the relationship was over but I didn’t want to be the one to end it, because I did still love her. She ended it not long after, as we decided that although we still had feelings for each other, we knew we couldn’t make it work. We kept in touch for about another year or so, and then we just stopped and moved on. 

Coming out for me wasn’t linear, and certainly wasn’t easy. If someone had told me years ago that I was gay, I would have laughed and strongly denied it. Coming out to both yourself and other people is a process and isn’t always easy. However, it did get better and I am 100% comfortable in myself now. Coming out isn’t as easy as stepping out and saying, “I’m gay” and that’s it; it’s a process that is always continuing but for the better. It’s okay to not have a perfect experience, but every experience matters and is just as valid.” Story by: Carly Rosenberg. 

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption.

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

“God has showed me love, and sure I can feel it even as a queer!

I grew up in a small town where gay people are not accepted, and with two parents who are really into religion and who used to say “God-will-punish-you-and-send-you-to-hell kind of things”. Believe me, it wasn’t easy to tell them the truth and let world see my true colors. 

December 31st 2016. I got drunk, and told my parents and relatives about my sexual orientation in a family meeting and flee (not so proud of the way I did it, but I have no regrets). Poor mom… She didn’t go out of her room for three days, and I kind of screwed New Year’s eve to the rest of the family. 10 minutes after telling them the truth, I got plenty of text messages from my cousins, aunts and other friends who are close to my family, telling me that they were proud of me and how much they loved me. Even my dad, he talked to me and told me he loved me too. Days after, I was able to introduce my boyfriend to my family (not to my parents though), and they immediately loved him as well! 

But there was something I was still concerned about… My mom. She changed. She was cold and she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I thought I’d lost her forever, or at least, that is what I used to think, until God showed me the opposite. 

6 months after telling them the truth about my sexual orientation (right before taking a plane to the US for my first pride) my mom sent to me a text message that said “I don’t know what’s in your heart or mind. The only thing I know is that I love you and that it doesn’t matter who you are or who you decide to love, your father and I, will always be here for you”. (Gosh! I cried like a baby), when I texted her back, asking her what has made her change her mind she just said: GOD.  

She told me that when I told her about me, she started going to church more frequently. She also signed into pray-groups and tried to find answers (perhaps a cure) to what I was. There she found out something I never thought it could be possible. She said that she had an epiphany, and that it was God himself who told her I was part of his creation, and that she had nothing else to do but love me as I was. 

After that, things started to go easier for me. it was like throwing away 1000 pounds of worries and blame. Till the date, neither she or my father have met my boyfriend (I’m still waiting for the right moment), but they have assimilated that I am gay, and that it doesn’t really matter who I love, because that doesn’t define who I am. As they now say to me: “God loves you! WE love you, and you are perfect just the way you are. Don’t let anyone tell you the opposite”.

I’m blessed to have a family that loves me, I have a boyfriend I’ve been dating for almost 2 years now, I have my nonprofit, I have friends, I have more than I could possibly need. And you know what? I AM GAY! And gay does not always mean to be hated or bullied… it does not always mean to have a sad story to tell (and of course I have plenty of them). For me GAY is PRIDE! For me I was born to shine, to be happy and to be loved, JUST LIKE YOU! 

I am catholic, I’m 26 years old, graduated from the University, founder of a nonprofit that works on environmental education for children and youth, I’m gay. I AM ALERICK. Story by: Alerick Pacay.

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption.

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

¨The following is an entry from my diary. This was written on January 21, 2014.

So I asked Lara to be my girlfriend last night and she said "yes I would love to" and so I said "that's so great” and this is how it happened. On Saturday night I finally kissed her and she kissed me back and I know that I love her because I think I was shaking when I did and I think I was shaking last night too or maybe I was just nervousbut I was shaking regardless and everything on Saturday night was perfect. not perfect, but great.

We went to the park and we parked and then we sat on the blacktop and she told me that she wanted to be with me, and I told her that I wanted to be with her. Then, we were leaving cause we wanted to watch scott pilgrim vs the world and pee and kind of eat something but then a girl with her friends asked us if we could help jump their car.

Now let me tell you about this cause this was one of the greatest things ever. These are high school kids. Drinking, smoking, whatever. I don't care. But the one girl decided to sit in the car with the lights on and so they fucked it up, but then they didn't know how to open the hood, but they finally got it, and then I kinda struggled with my hood too, but Lara knew about the latch thing that I had forgotten about. And then we did it. And it wouldn't work. We tried so many times, and it just would'nt work.

Now let me tell you about their personalities. We got one girl, completely flipping bananas, and hella rude. I didn't like her. Then we have this dude Mateo or something and he's trying to call someone that can help, but he was calm. Then we've got the most chillest girl in the world with her beanie and smoking a cigarette. And this was her mom's car and she was just so unconcerned it was just fucking admirable. She was in the front seat scrolling through Facebook or whatever and when we offered them a ride somehwere she asked to be dropped off at Checkers ... LOL.

And then when they thought about going to Walmart and buying a cheap battery, she was like, (something to the effect of) (Mateo) we only have $2 that's only enough for one cheese fry and Lara and I died.

Well um we tried for one last time and it fucking worked and we cheered a genuine cheer cause we wanted to fucking go and then we went home and I made popcorn and then we cuddled in the dark. and kissed in the dark. and then I asked her to be my girlfriend. and she said "I would love to" and that was the greatest thing. 

... I need to do my homework. but I'm so happy. so fucking happy lol. oh ohohoh ohohohoh ohoh I love her so Fa la la. I’m so happy just as happy as can be The one I really love just told me she loves me. There could be a million people but she’s the only one I can see. Ohhhh I love her so. and I don't want to be pushy or anything ;) but I really do think I love her. I'm so happy. Story by: Jayda Fleishman.

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption. 

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

¨Matryoshka Doll, I remember as a child I would play with Barbie dolls, as any girl my age would. And, being the young girl I was, I always wanted to make romantic plots and stories, much to the discontent of my mother. One afternoon she told me "Stop making girls date, that's wrong!" and little 5 year old me responded with "why does it matter, they love each other!"I first realized I liked girls in grade 6. I started thinking one of my best friends was awfully cute. Whenever she was around I'd feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Problem is, I for a fact knew I liked boys, so the fact that I liked girls, I thought, was contradictory to me liking boys and therefor impossible. So I decided to ignored and bottled up my feelings. But one day in grade 7, as me and my friends were heading out to recess, I heard a magical new term. Bisexual. I asked what this new and unheard of word meant, and my friend simply explained it to me "oh, it's when a person likes both boys and girls." A wave of realization hit me so hard I honestly almost fell down the stairs. "Bisexual,” i thought, “of course, now it makes sense. I like both boys AND girls because I'm bisexual!" 

For a few years, my queerness was one of my most private and shameful secrets. I come from a culture that heavily disapproves of same sex relationships, so I grew up thinking something was wrong with people who liked the same gender, so now by extension something was wrong with me. This really weighed on me, I was scared no one would accept me if they knew the truth. I felt disgusted with myself, but I also couldn't change my feelings. All this brought on a lot of self hatred and self doubt for younger me. 

Eventually, I decided that I didn't want to lie or be ashamed of this any longer, so I came out to my best friend. I did it at band practice so that if things went wrong she couldn't start shouting at me. While we were changing the sheet music to the next song, I leaned into her ear and whispered "Hey. I gotta tell you something.” “What is it?” she whispered back, throwing a cautious look at our conductor. “I'm bi." The next 3 minutes were agony as I had to wait for us to finish the song before I could hear her response. When the song finally ended, she put to her saxophone to her side and said just "okay.” "Okay?" I was absolutely baffled, I expected her to be as disgusted with me as I felt with myself for so long. "Yeah, okay. It doesn't matter to me, you're still my best friend. You could be papaya-sexual for all I care, as long as you're happy." That incident really changed my perspective on sexuality. It made me feel a lot more at peace with myself, and far more confident. 

Through the next year, I came out to most of my friends and classmates. The majority were either supportive or indifferent, but I did encounter a bit of homophobia and at times just specifically bi-phobia. For example one time, I was working on a group project with a few of my friends and two other girls I didn’t really know. The girls started talking about boys and such, and me and my friends politely listened. Then, one of the girls turned to me suddenly and said “You’re bi right?” I nodded. “Ugh I just- I mean I don’t hate gay people or anything, but like… just choose one ya know!” I later found out that this idea of bi people being able to “just choose one” was surprisingly common, but still completely ridiculous. People don’t choose sexualities. Straight girls can’t just flip a switch and start liking girls, as gay girls can’t flip a which and not be gay, so it’s unreasonable to expect bi girls to be able to just switch something and “stick to one”. Today, I luckily only have to deal with homophobia rarely. I go to a very queer-positive school and have come out to my parents. Sure, it took them awhile to get used to it, but what I think matters is that they got there at all, considering the beliefs that they were raised with. I feel secure and confident in my identity, crack gay jokes, and freely hit on both boys and girls. 

I understand how lucky I am to have gotten to this point in my life, because I know that a lot of people around the world don’t have the same freedom. Hell, if I didn’t move to Canada at a young age, I don’t think I would be able to act the way I do, since homosexuality of any kind is outlawed in my country of origin. I will forever continue to educate people on queer related things, challenge homophobia, and stand up for the rights of other queers, both in my country and internationally. I truly hope I will live to see the day when I can visit my home country and see queer couples in public, not afraid to show their previously controversial feelings for eachother. Story by:  Vanessa Patapovich, a 15 year old bisexual, Belarusian immigrant.

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption. 

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

Ever since I was a kid I’ve always know I wasn’t a “normal” kid. I never liked playing soccer during the school recess and I didn’t understand what was the problem with just sitting down and chat. High school has been the worst time in my life. I can’t say how many times someone yelled “fagg*t” at me while walking in the hallways and giving me judgemental stares just for existing. I felt insecure, scared and nervous all the time. I had 3 girlfriend and I loved them all but in my last relationship I felt how I stopped being myself. I assumed I was gay, but I felt weird calling myself that as I felt like I was denying a part of me. It wasn’t until I heard the term bisexual that everything made sense for me. I was so excited to finally accept myself that I used my body and other bodies for satisfaction and pleasure (something I am not proud of). I started coming out and although most people showed me their support, my parents, being as involved in the church as they are, did not. I moved out of the house and we try to avoid talking about the subject..... Over a year ago I met Diego and things finally made sense. We adopted a puppy named Osa and in November we are going to move in together. Being bisexual has opened my mind to a lot of things. It seems as though for both heterosexuals and homosexuals, it’s hard to understand what bisexuality is. To me, bisexuality is finding beauty in anyone, regardless of their gender and to me, being bisexual has been a blessing in my life.” Story by: Rodrigo Márquez.

“Desde que soy pequeño siempre he sabido que no soy un hombre “normal”. Nunca me gustó jugar fútbol en el recreo, no entendía cuál era el problema con sentarse a platicar y ya. Lo sentí cuando mis papás y hermano mayor me decían que no hablara como “caricatura”, años después entendí que se referían a no ser afeminado.

La secundaria ha sido la peor época de mi vida. No puedo decir cuántas veces me gritaron “hueco” en el pasillo, cuántas veces no recibí una mirada prejuiciosa, simplemente por existir. Me sentía inseguro, asustado, nervioso, cada vez que tenía que salir al mundo. En secreto, ya tenía muchas dudas de mí mismo, me parece increíble como la mente lograba convencerme de que esa atracción que tenía era una fase.

Tuve 3 novias en mi vida, a las 3 las quise, a unas más que a otras, pero lo hice. Me atraían, me excitaban, me imaginaba un futuro con ellas. En mi última relación, sentí como dejé de ser yo mismo. Al cumplir 21, acepté mi sexualidad. Creo que era tanta mi ilusión por haberme aceptado que me convertí en un gran puto. Es una parte de mi vida que no me enorgullece, pero usé mi cuerpo y otros cuerpos por satisfacción y placer.

Poco a poco fui saliendo del closet con mis amigos cercanos y un par de familiares. Todos en general me mostraron mucho amor y mucha aceptación, excepto mis papás. Al estar tan involucrados en la iglesia y siendo tan tradicionales como lo son, no puedo decir que me sorprendiera. Nuestros caminos se han ido separando por su rechazo, me fui de la casa, evitamos hablar sobre ese tema. Hace más de un año conocí a Diego, y las cosas solo tuvieron sentido. Adoptamos a una perrita llamada Osa y nos ha dado muchísimas alegrías nuestro hogar. En noviembre nos iremos a vivir juntos y así iniciar una nueva etapa juntos.

Ser bisexual me ha abierto la mente  muchas cosas. en sí la bisexualidad sigue siendo un tema tabú. Parece que tanto heterosexuales como homosexuales tienen problema en entender cómo funciona la bisexualidad o lo que implica ser bisexual. Para mí la bisexualidad es poder encontrar la belleza sin importar de quién venga, sin restringirse al género. Un conexión es una conexión. Y par mí, ser bisexual ha sido una bendición en mi vida.”

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie 

Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption. 

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

“When I was in the third grade, there was this girl who recently moved to my neighbourhood. This girl and I always used to have play dates. I went over to her house as per usual and her and I were playing house together. We both played parents and one thing led to another and I ended up kissing her in her closet. I’m not sure how it got to that point but I truly didn’t think anything of it because it felt natural. To my dismay, she told her mom what happened and she later scolded me because she said it was wrong. I was young so I didn’t realize the implications of my actions. That moment had revealed to me that any kind of affection towards another girl was inherently “wrong”. Looking back at my childhood, I would always see parents or teachers using this dialogue with their children that kind of enforced these heteronormative scripts. There was never anything that emphasized same sex relationships or acts. Even through marketing, products being sold to children or consumers is in a way that caters to heterosexuality.

Being gay or even speaking of gayness was something that never happened either, it was unheard of and coined as this foreign condition so I did not acknowledge or recognize what I was feeling because I couldn’t put a name to it. But also, I was told that it was inappropriate and wrong. Growing up, it also appeared to me that almost all the girls around me had their “boy crazy” phase but I couldn’t relate. Or I would almost try to be like them by trying to admire the guys they crushed on but it never went past a physical attraction. In my case, I would admire girls or look up to them as my role models but I never put two and two together nor was I exposed to any same sex couples. I was dreading the fact that I might be gay and that thought haunted me with every waking moment. I wanted those thoughts gone and I wanted to be “normal”. I grew up in a semi-religious household so the idea of a man and woman being together was engrained in my mind. I didn’t have very many people to confide in at all.

People were slowly starting to figure things out. Everything that I was avoiding was rising to the surface and I couldn’t hold it for much longer. It took me a very long time to come to term with acknowledging myself as gay. My mom was the first person to find out. I never came out to her on my own, but rather she was the one who asked me over a text message. I was at my first pride with a few people that I had met online on Tumblr. That afternoon, I had told her I was going to one my friends’ comedy shows which was true, however that evening we went to some pride events. Throughout that night, my mom was asking me questions about how everything was going and mentioned that it was Pride weekend in Toronto. I was kind of afraid because she started getting into things and asked if my friend was gay. I responded saying yes and then she goes “are you?” I wanted to tell her before but I was afraid of what she would think. I didn’t respond to her because I was caught off guard and figured I would saysomething the next day. I ended up coming home early in the morning before anyone woke up the nextday and I quickly ran into my bed. I fell asleep and woke up to a phone call from my mom who was in the other room. She asked if I was home to which I responded with a yes. She then proceeded to ask why I didn’t answer her text last night, and I froze. She called me into her room and once I got there, I broke down into tears. That was the moment that I came out to my mom and it was the scariest yet relieving moment in my life. I was keeping that secret from my mom for so long and it was a breath of relief to finally confide in her with how I felt. 

My coming out to her went very well and once I came out to my dad and siblings, their reactions were very warm and loving. I came out to them through a video I made because I was afraid to sit them down and say it. They all had an idea but were waiting for me to say something. I thought the worst and was welcomed with open arms. I know that everyone’s coming out story isn’t like mine, but that anticipation and fear of saying it out loud is terrifying, especially not knowing how someone will react to it. I would like everyone to know, especially my younger self that however you’re feeling is valid and no one can discount or take away you being your authentic self. Being gay is not an illness and there should be no shame in being you. I found a little community online and that’s where I would seek refuge. During my time of questioning and confusion, I reached out to a lot of people online and would watch YouTube videos and It gave me a piece of mind and showed me that I am not alone. Now I can proudly say that I have a girlfriend who my parents absolutely adore and I am no longer in hiding and that is the most liberating feeling. Love is love and no one should be shunned or persecuted for experiencing something so pure and beautiful. Story by: Candance Francis.

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption. 

[shareyourqueerie-blog]

¨I hadn’t shared my story with a lot of people, I think I don’t feel with plenty of trust and security to tell it out loud. Also, I’m not the kind of person that find easy to show their feelings, I prefer to keep them inside and sometimes even to suppress them.

For a long time, I felt that something was wrong with me, I just felt out of the place. I lived, as I like it called it, like a parasite. Just a presence, I did everything just because I was supposed to. I was there, physically but my mind was in another dimension. There were thousands of thoughts that kept turning inside my head, that made me feel sick and filled me with fear and anguish. I decided to repress them, turn off my mind and not think about it because eventually I will forget them, and they will leave (haha silly me).

In my first year of university I met a boy, and don’t get me wrong, I saw the perfect opportunity to take away that dreadful idea of my head, to shut up my thoughts and say “you’re normal after all”. I wanted to live a foreign life and pretend to be as everyone else. I didn’t (and I still have that fear) want to disappoint anyone but keep all of this inside of me just make things worse. For almost two years my nights were summed up in crying until I fell asleep, anxiety and panic attacks that seemed not to end and health problems that kept me out and inside the hospital every certain time. It was like trying to kill the demon and realize I was the demon. I never talk to someone about this but after some time I decided to start loving and accepting myself.

There was this girl that share some classes with me, without notice she became the spark I need it to keep going. From her I heard for the first time someone said “I am gay”, and after some months later I was able to said “me too”. When I heard those words for the first time I realized I was not alone. It was like breathing after minutes of having contained the air.

I started to investigate and “educate” myself about LGBTQ+ community, and that’s how I found a home (I know it sound so cheesy) But I found Tumblr and literally it changed my life. For the first time in my life I felt part of something, accompanied. Although they are people I don’t know physically, they took my hand and gave me advice and support. I know that the way is not easy, and it will not be easier in a near future, but I know for sure I am stronger. I am still in the process of not being afraid and one day be able to say out loud to my family “Hey this is who I am, I am gay”. Maybe I am not ready, but I have learned to enjoy the process.

Here is a note I made the day I came out to my best friends: Ayer “salí del closet” tuve una sensación de miedo, angustia y un nudo en la garganta que me ahogaba pero sobretodo alivio, alivio de ser tan solo un poquito libre, dejar de esconderme y simplemente ser yo. Fue entonces cuando pensé porque una persona como yo (lo que sea que eso quiera decir) tiene que pasar por esto, porque vivir con todas emociones reprimidas, ese miedo al rechazo y a ser juzgado, a recibir burlas cuando lo único que se quiere es dar amor y un amor sincero y pleno.¨  Story by - Kelly Ochoa. 

LGBTQ+ Illustrated Stories Project by @luisapa9 / IG: shareyourqueerie  Tumblr: luisapa9.tumblr.com  - Please, do not delete caption.