skip-to-my-lu-lu - Tumblr blog

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

Setting Boundaries

When you finally set boundaries, and start using them, man, they don't like that. You've taken away the power they have welded over you to control your emotions. And that's what helped me come to terms with who my abuser really is, at the root of it all.

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

I feel like I’ve let my life spiral out of control because of this very reason 😕

i wasnt supposed to live this long

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

Tonight I feel like a robot, but also a chameleon.

I’m emotionless because I’m doing my best to numb it all. My defense mechanism is to go numb, and protect myself from all the painful thoughts and feelings.

Don’t feel. Just flip the switch.

The switch sticks between off and on.

A chameleon because I feel like I’m just gauging and mimicking other’s moods, feelings, whatever- while trying to find myself between off and on (and I mean that in so many different ways and levels).

I’m exhausted 😔

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

😔

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

So much to say… or not. Last couple of days have been horrible mental health days.

When is enough enough?

I’m tired of the roller coaster emotions. I want to be free from it all.

But then I’d be normal?

What the fuck is normal anyways? Can I handle it? Would I lose what makes me me?

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

I don’t even know, man 😂😂😂

Was organizing my notes into folders, and stumbled on this. My notes app is probably my most used, and oh my- there are some doozies in there 😅

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

i can’t tell you how i feel or i’ll feel like a burden to you, i’m so scared of losing you

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

This hit me right in the gut.

I’m trying my best for my younger self, but damn just makes it that much more depressing knowing I’ve been dealing with this for damn near the majority of my life, 20ish years later. Maybe I can’t save myself 😞

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

Why does it feel so impossible to get through this life without feeling constant panic and anxiety?!

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

Now I’m “too focused” on my disorder, that’s what’s causing what I’m feeling, according to my mom.

I’m currently holed up in a closet, putting my sadness to paper (drawing) bc I’m so overwhelmed with all my emotions- I literally woke up like this, over 12 hours ago. I went for a drive and blared music because that’s the only place I can. I am trying to hold my shit together.

I bared my soul to her, with what is going on. The ugly and dark- all of it.

But I’m too focused on it.

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

I’m tired of explaining my moods, triggers, depression, and anxieties constantly... and still being misunderstood.

I don’t even know what I want anymore.

I’m just really tired of feeling all alone. Now I’m not even living alone, but feel more alone. Just more bodies to remind me of how truly lonely it is to be someone like me.

So tired of these feelings 😔😭🤬😖

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

Maybe that’s the deep, empty void I constantly feel in my gut 🤷🏻‍♀️ who even knows 😔

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

Week 2 ? (I don’t want to math right now) of living with my boyfriend and his 2 young adult kiddos.

It just hit me how loving and beautiful this family is, and how family can be.

I observe their interactions with each other, and have never seen such true care and love without question. It’s so natural and fluid.

It makes me feel awkward lol. But in a good way.

He’s an amazing dad, and they can absolutely always count on him for anything.

**I have a lump in my throat**

And now I’m laughing as I listen to him game with his friends online, “the fucking stairs!” Or I think that’s what he said lol.

Just so modern day pure and funny.

I’m enjoying this moment very much. I hope it sticks around ☺️🤞🏼

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]

My grandma, a beautiful kind woman who I was very close to passed away Valentine’s Day this year. It came on quick and harsh.

Today we are all at her house- my aunt, uncle, and cousin flew back in to help go through her belongings, and take what we like.

I’m already in a bad place, mentally. My sisters are going through things, and I’m just lost as to where to even start. My mom notices, and tells me to get up and look around.

I feel awkward, and tell everyone this. I eye something of interest, and my younger sister grabs it. It doesn’t hold any sentimental value or meaning to me- in fact I don’t remember ever seeing it, it just caught my eye. I ran to the back of the house, into the bathroom, and just started bawling my head off.

My cousin, who flew in, walks into the bedroom as I’m walking out of the master bathroom crying, and just stare at him until he walks out of the room.

Now I’m mortified. That wasn’t weird at allllll.

I think I calm myself enough, and try to make it look like I haven’t been crying. Re-emerge, and my mom asks what I want, and I lose it all over again.

I have never felt so overwhelmed and so out of control.

I started this post 2 days ago, and I’ve just been on autopilot. Well, probably have been for months now- I don’t even know anymore.

I no longer have a space of my own to do what I need to let everything out.

I don’t know if I need to go back to the hospital. I don’t feel like myself. It’s a very odd, displaced feeling and it hate it.

[skip-to-my-lu-lu]