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Mental Health Day

Today is a day we sit to reflect, we stand tall and speak up, we break down and cry, or we fight the fight. 

No matter where we come from, no matter where we are, we all have someone somewhere in our lives, in our families, in our circle of friends who struggles with some form of mental health. 

We don’t need to be quiet, but we also don’d need to speak. Mental health affects us all differently, and although we are all human, we are all different. Some of us rather sit and cry, some of us need a friend to talk to; but we need to remember we are not alone, we don’t have to be alone if we don’t want to be. 

I’ve had my own battles with my mental health, from the deepest depression, to thoughts of suicide, to anxiety that still runs behind me, and disappears from my view when I turn to face it. It’s a never ending battle. I’ve come close to ending my battle, I’ve wanted many times to give up. I’ve had moments of doubt, moments of numbness, but here I am fighting it on a day to day basis. Am I happy? Am I ecstatic? No, but my lungs fill with new air every moment I take a breath, and my mind fills with new hope every chance I take. 

I may still be fighting a fight, but I smile through the pain knowing tomorrow is a new day. This depression, this anxiety... it is part of my mental health. But I AM NOT MY MENTAL HEALTH.

I am a fighter, I am a strong woman, I am capable of doing what I need to do. It may take some time, it may not be easy, but I am not alone, and I am still here. 

“Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.” - Karen Salmansohn

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New Beginnings

I have some very exciting news. Some very, very exciting news. News that I hope continues to grow, news I hope I can continue to share as the possibilities ahead may come to fruition. There are no words to describe how I actually feel, no words to describe how much I want to cry. The tears for new hope, the hunger for adventure, the ever growing need since a younger age (of which I can’t exactly remember) to make a difference. I’m excited to share this exciting news, news of travel, and of bright new beginnings. 

With work; I am able to take part in a wonderful foundation, which sends teams across the world, to foreign countries and even neighbourhoods closer to home, in order to provide those in need with new prescription eye wear. This is a mission I can proudly announce I have submitted an application; and am awaiting to hear if I will be able to take part in such a wonderful and powerful opportunity. 

I can not explain the amount of happiness that fills my heart, knowing I can finally take part in something so much larger. Taking part in something that can easily change someones life. 

Stay tuned, and send positive vibes that I am accepted AND chosen for a clinic!

“I have set before you a door which no man is able to shut”

-Revelations 3:8 

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Getting Back into a Routine

It’s been a while since I’ve set myself into a routine to benefit my life and create a lifestyle I am pleased with. But after having a day off and being a lazy ass sloth, I took an oath mentally to give myself the best possible care I can in order to feel like myself again.

The last 2 years have been a whirlwind and I’ve come out of it so much stronger than I possibly could have imagined. Of course my support system has changed from quantity, to quality and now I understand the important of trust to a much deeper meaning.

It’s taken me a while, but I believe that I am in the right place to make things happen for myself, and can be as selfish as I possibly need to be, in a healthy manner.

8am wake up✅

Glass of water ✅

Breakfast ✅

Up next: Yoga

Stay tuned loves on my journey to filling my days with tiny celebrations as I accomplish things I always thought of doing, but never completed. It never too late!

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One who treads lightly 

enough worries not if the 

path leads through the bog. 

—Red Leaf Haiku by © John Clark Helzer

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Definitely me, and my boyfriend totally agreeeeees

Send me Questions for Q&A comics and I might answer them super late like this one (oops) 

Tapastic | Facebook | Twitter | Webtoons

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2 Years of Lessons, now the Growth

2016

You taught me how strong I am physically, you tested me mentally, and broke me down emotionally.

2017

You taught me patience, to regain my strength emotionally, and to take it Day by day.

2018

You just started. But you are giving me hopes for the months to come. I have a feeling you are going to be my best year yet. I always had a feeling that at 24, I will come to my best version of me. And no matter how I feel as the days pass, there’s a part of me that has no doubt that it keeps getting better; that there’s more to come. You are going to teach me how I can be the best me I was from 2016, while having the patience of 2017 me, and making me into the young adult I was meant to be.

I am excited to see the growth I experience over the next year

And to my readers; I feel magic is in the air this year, you will have moments of your own to be grateful for; I just know it.

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Boscia - Product Review

I have been gifted with a dozen beauty products over the holidays which has been fantastic. I have been meaning to take better care of my skin and face; and although my skin care habits were not something I often shared, it seems as though the universe set those around me on a mission to help me out. That being said, I received many facial masks, both scrubs and peels, as well as body exfoliates.

The first product I came to using, was the Boscia charcoal pore minimizing hydrogel mask from Sephora. Before getting started with this product, I will have you know that I am very self cautious about my pores, especially around my nose as I find they show more than I am pleased to see. That being said, after reading the directions and examining my pores, i decided I would do a proper pore cleaning with a mild soap and a hot shower in order to fully open my pores. Once I finished my shower, I further cleaned my pores by using a charcoal peel face mask. (A review on this product is coming soon.)

Once I completely peeled off the mask, and washed off the remaining charcoal that I could not peel off; I finally applied the Boscia mask from Sephora.

After reading the ingredients, which did seem quite simple, I was extremely overwhelmed once the package was opened. The white cover which was to remain on the mask until it was applied to my face, slipped off instantly, as well as the clear cover… This left my manipulating the mask onto my face in the most delicate way I possibly could, although it did tear in a couple places as the mask itself was quite fragile and rubbery. Once the top portion was on (which the holes for the eyes were smaller than I would have liked, and too close together), I applied the bottom portion as gently as I could, although the bottom ripped much more than the top piece.

Finally, the goopey mask is on my face. It’s cold, it’s silky; and it smells interesting. Although I would have enjoyed to sit down and read while enjoying my mask; the amount of slime forced me to lay down as I figured gravity would continue taking away my mask.

20 minutes have gone by, and I can finally see the results. Quite honestly, my pores were not as noticeable, but because I am very particular, I did notice them more then I anticipated. Due to first doing the charcoal peel, and than applying the pore minimizing mask, my face felt quite sore but also refreshed. I rubbed in some of the remaining oil from the mask, let it sit for an extra 5 minutes before rinsing my face with some cold water.

By the time my face was dry, I was ready for bed. I did not apply any product or lotion to my face as I figured the oil from the final mask would be enough. My face felt silky smooth. Once I woke up in the morning, my face felt less oily than it usually does, which was a relief. I started my day with just a water rinse and no other products applied to my face. I had a nice natural glow all day with continuous soft skin.

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Family; reunited

It's been a while, hasn't it!? But 9 years beats it. 9 years? What's so significant about that magical number 9? The significance to when my youngest self thought best to take distance from a large part of my family, the other part; grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, as well as the connections to my father, and half siblings. It's a large step, more so a leap; that brought my self and my partner into his car yesterday for a journey I've only dreamt of. Yet, I was alive, awake, and in my reality. An hour felt like forever, but nothing in comparison to the time that has past from the moments I've missed with the family I shut out. Yet, at 4:00pm, we found ourselves stepping out of the car and onto the driveway of my grandparents house. A reunion that led me anxious the nights that passed before. With open arms, and smiles on their faces; I was back where I should have never left. My heart grew heavy, and my tears held back. I am stronger now, and this moment doesn't need tears. The pain I feel is of moments missed, but the smile is the necessary emotion that needs to be felt. The past is the past, and now is the time to spend in the moment. With snacks before dinner at the dinning room table, we discussed the times we've spent apart, laughed about good memories, and caught up on the family around us. As dinner came, the talks continued, but time slowly caught up as the sun set for the night. A memory of my reality; and not a dream. For once; a dream come true!

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UPDATE• HAIR GROWTH I've had 1 cut since I decided to completely chop off my dead weight hair. It doesn't feel like my hair has grown that fast, but with the comparison, I am in awe and very happy with the growth that has come. I still regret chopping off my hair, but it does come with its perks.... takes me no time to get ready, since I only need to worry about makeup (which since getting glasses, I don't wear as much as often). Also, showers take no time, which means I'm in and out in 10 minutes when I don't feel like relaxing. I also don't need to strain my arms trying to tie a cute messy bun or pony-tail, I can just throw on a hat! Otherwise, spent Easter night with the family. Working every day pretty much this week; which is quite exciting. Keep posted for a more emotional piece later in the week!

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The light within the darkness

I have been so busy realizing my life has completely changed.

From quitting my dream job in the summer, to dragging myself out of bed with eyes heavier than an anchor dropping from a ship. I went from sinking deeper into the sea, to floating on my own raft, due to the successes I have made for myself.

No person will ever understand the amount of pain, the amount of darkness and the amount of self-hatred I have boiling in my veins day after day. But with the same anger; fuels a passion so hot, I could light my own path with the flames in my eyes.

I hate that I have allowed myself to feel pity for myself, to give myself all the excuses I have for the times I have passed up opportunities which would help me grow, help me nurture the soul that's yearning for change.

Finally, with opportunities running behind me, I have allowed myself to stop running away, and face them head on. I need to stop running away from my past and realize it was never chasing after me. I was caught up in the darkness, never realizing the light behind me, was the light I was meant to have. Not the light of the ghosts that haunt me.

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Chaos within organization; The working student edition

I never understood how others with such a busy lifestyle maintained their sanity. I have officially completed my course review, tested with a 78%, while working only one part time job. I don’t have much of a social life, thankfully, otherwise I don’t think I would have much time for myself. 

With completing my review course, this means I can now move onto my next course. I played phone tag for part of my day with the school, as registration for my next course needed clarification. Having changed pathways (from occupational physiotherapist assistant, to human kinetics); requires for me to take on additional courses which I had not originally planned for. This is not to say that I am discouraged, quite the opposite really, very excited to continue learning. Although, with Monday being my first day at my second part time job, I am beginning to feel slightly overwhelmed. I know I can manage a rather busy schedule, my only concern being that I was never a successful student with university level courses, and seeing as my course load for this year is all university level, I am preparing for one hell of a challenge. 

I’ve never been on my best behavior at maintaining a schedule. I find my mind always gets distracted from the goal, side tract by other important tasks. Part of this experience of course, is going to help me establish a more efficient and effective technique to maintaining onto a schedule. Luckily, I have discovered a wonderful new way to plan my days, weeks, months and year. BULLET JOURNALS! I am rather extremely excited about doing my bullet journal. It has helped me stay organized, track my habits in the day (sleep, water consumption, nutrition), as well as reminding me about birthdays, dinners and events coming up. I am the type of person who prefers a more hands on method for planning. That being said, I am no longer one to use my phone or tablet, I don’t find it nearly as fun. Finally, as I have discovered my many courses that are upcoming this year, I have reserved a couple pages in my bullet journal to figure out where I will end with all of my courses, VOILA!

This lovely thing will be my guide to the most adventurous part of my life, I can feel it! Now with my courses mapped out, my schedules tracked, I have to remind myself that with a busy life, comes a busy mind. While my mind is busy with other things, there will come a time that I will feel discouraged, overwhelmed and in that case, I would usually let that get the best of me. I am hoping that with writing in positive quotes regularly, having positive thoughts, and creating arts and crafts, I can keep myself motivated for the long run. 

I am ready for a new challenge, and here it is. I have the ability to fight through my darkest days, to reflect on my mistakes, and continue on this journey called life.

(NOTE: I am aware of the arrows pointing to the wrong months, quite frankly, it doesn’t bother me. “There is no such thing as heading in one direction in life. You will take detours, you will make stops, but as long as you keep moving, you will make it.”)

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“New Year, New Me” - DONE

Since the beginning of last week, I have done a complete 180 with my life. I presented myself with multiple opportunities to enhance my way of living, and create a more exciting and challenging future. It is quite a shock to see that I am still pushing myself to continue on this path, but I am determined to be successful and ambitious. 

I had dreams as I was growing up, large; ambitious dreams. Some how along the way, I lost my ambition, I lost my passion for success, and became destructive.  Depression set in at an early age, not unusually early, but still early enough to cause irreparable damage to my future. Luckily, I have found a way to derail the track I was setting myself on, and headed into a new direction without looking back. It’s too soon to tell if this is the path I am destined to travel on, but I will continue on this journey until I achieve the destination I am meant to arrive to. 

I am glad to have set course to this new future. Not to say I won’t have my bad days, as I know they will keep happening... but I have the power to keep moving, I have the right to be who I want to be. Growing up, I told my mom I wanted to be a biologist, to travel and help those around the world with my knowledge, with my abilities. But when it came to biology in high school, I felt lost, confused and overwhelmed. These fancy words and big experiments needed to be performed with precision, my future (what I believed) was on THE LINE. I didn’t do so well, and I gave up on what I wanted for myself. Here I am now, taking control over what I had lost control on, putting myself back in the driver seat from when I decided biology wasn’t for me. I no longer took science classes in school, settled with arts. I no longer want to settle the way I did, now I am headed full force back to school, to regain the knowledge I lost sight of, and improve on my strengths, while crushing my weaknesses. I am determined to work hard, get good grades, and so far I have been successful. One mark down, many more to come.

“Life is a road trip. You will not achieve your destination without running into construction zones. There is always work to be done, improvements to be completed, and holes to be filled. Detours may be necessary, new sights will be seen. And once you arrive, you will realize how much more of an adventure you lead, and will be grateful for the challenges you faced, as this journey has enhanced your life much more than you had imagined.”

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Back to school

I have never imagined myself going back to school. I've always imagined myself being better off with a simple life. I woke up one morning, and I envisioned change for myself, for my future, and my present. I enrolled myself into an adult high school, I am attending courses in science and math in order to gain the knowledge I need to continue growing. Afterwords, hopefully university. I am excited and terrified at the same time.

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Absent but Present

I am making something for myself, and it’s called a life. I need to be more aware that just because I am not successful everyday, doesn’t mean that I am not trying my best to be someone; to be myself. 

That being said, I am absent. Absent from the lives of those who do not give my life purpose, absent from the moments that will not bring me joy, and absent from the thoughts that do not need to be thought out. 

I am only human, and I am breathing and living just as much as the next person. My bank account is nearly always empty, my closet is full of clothes that I wear but don’t necessarily like, but my heart is full of love filled by those who surround me and bring me joy. I am rich of love, joy and purpose.

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Finding my spiritual sound

Today's a wonderful day. Regardless of the events over the weekend, Monday brings a new week and a new beginning to the year that's passing by. That being said, I am feeling extremely blessed that everyone is doing well today, and a surgical team will be helping a dear loved one to recover better. It is with sweet relief that my mom is off today, in order to take care of herself as last night was very overwhelming for us all, which means we are spending some time together. We love our Starbucks, and perusing the isles of Chapters while getting fuelled by our coffee. With the many gifts I received yesterday, I will be making personal purchases to continue enhancing my life in order to continue manifesting greatness. That being said, a gift last night was missing, only because I have to chose it, and it also has to chose me. After patiently waiting, i have been gifted a Tibetan Singing bowl. Very excited to finding my sound today.

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A trip to the hospital for me on Friday night (the night before my birthday), my step dad, step sister and her boyfriend were in a car accident tonight (the night after my birthday), and a family friend (basically family, hell who am I kidding, they are family), was admitted to the hospital tonight for a possible blood infection. My spirit is low, as I am hurting with everyone else as well, i can feel the shock, the scare, the pain, the fear, the anger, i can feel it all. I am exhausted, yet my laundry is needing to go in the dryer, after the washing machine didn't want to cooperate for the longest time... but I am enjoying this moment as my cat, Taz, my baby boy (he's 5 but he's still my baby) sleeps beside me for the first time in a long time. tomorrow is a new day, a new day is tomorrow. Goodnight my friends, hope your dreams are as good as you deserve to have them be!

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Vlogging; yay or nay?

For a couple months now, I have been really considering starting a vlog. 

Of course, this is going to take a lot of preparation on my part, to think of enough things in order to have a reason for you guys to want to watch it. The idea of it is to be inspirational, to anyone, but I specifically want it to reach out to anyone dealing with social anxiety, depression, or lack of motivation. I am in no way, shape or form a psychologist or a social worker of any kind, but I do believe that my story can help others. Which is where the idea comes to mind.

Maybe one day, it’ll have a concept to have my viewers reach out to me and share something anonymously, but just to have it out there while receiving feedback, and not just by text, but vocally and visually as well.

I know personally, I have struggled with any kind of confrontation, and writing has really been helping me feel like I am vocalizing my inner struggles. For me, it is enough, but if it’s not enough for you, please reach out to me.

I would love to receive feedback on this topic, or even ideas! I am open to anything. All I want to do is help those in need,  and even make the littlest difference.