stickytypewriter

[stickytypewriter]

In case you forgot:

Sometimes depression looks like

-3 meals

- a made bed

- frequenting the gym

- smiling “more”

- being productive

… it still feels like rock bottom.

[stickytypewriter]

To think that frogs are the only thing that would make me flood his mind is such a underestimate of who I am. How intense my love is. My love sounds like too loud giggles and peaceful silence. Rain coming down as soon as he locks himself in his home for the evening. A fridge and cabinet full of his favorite beer and snacks. Driving in every sort of weather even to only spend 30 minutes together. Laughter during sex. Poorly timed jokes. Chicken tenders… him always eating the last one because I get too full to finish my plate. Shrunken pride and deflating my ego.

But yes… frogs too.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

You deserve better and you know that. You know you deserve a gentle, ceaseless love that meets you where you’re at. Not a love that eats off of you. Not a love that desires being at odds with you constantly. You deserve validation as often as you need it. You deserve spontaneity and sober surprise visits. You deserve the effort that it takes to love you on your lowest days because it does take effort. You deserve the paragraphs of feelings that you once believed you were too imperfect, too broken to evoke. A love that constantly makes you anxious is not the love you deserve. A love that is constantly telling you that you’re not good enough is not a love you deserve. A love that constantly lies is not a love you deserve. You deserve to be loved as you are because even at your lowest, your own love has had the capability to meet others where they were.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

Columbia (Revisited)

This new start is now my norm. I’ve lived here for over a year and that story no longer needs to be told. I’ve replaced it with a new story. One that fits me better now. One that will never skew the details of. I know too many faces. Not the names… just the faces. I don’t force myself to be cordial if I do not feel like it. Forcefulness is what made me outgrow the last city. I haven’t had any awkward dates but I have gone out on dates around the city. Dolled myself up to only be let down a couple times. I had one study session that dragged on for too long because we were discussing the most attractive people in the program… I didn’t complain. My bed has craddled my body as it’s been craddled by a man that I adore. The pillows are also familiar with his head… and my moans when he is also present. All of it did change quickly and I do not mourn the loss of naiveté. I love knowing the best Mexican spot in town or the best place for a quick drink after work. I love my fridge being full of my lover’s beers and my laugh ringing through the walls of the science building. Contrasty, I hate the summer heat and ridiculous drivers. But this is home until my next new start.

-ka

Columbia

I underestimated a new start. I underestimated the feeling of moving to a place where no one knows the story I told way too many times. In way too many ways. I think I even began getting the details a little skewed after telling it for the fifth time. I underestimated the feeling of walking in a crowd and not thinking to myself “Where do I know them from? I should stop and say hello.” Every face is new and no one is demanding cordiality. Every restaurant, coffee shop, and bar are untainted by awkward first dates and study sessions that drag on for too long. My bed has only cradled my body and my pillows are only familiar with my head. Though all of this may change soon, I hold this feeling of ignorance, novelty, and naivety close to my heart. I overvalued my comfortability and in doing so underestimated moving on.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

I’ll continue to do my Irish goodbyes when it’s just the two of us. I’ll keep seeming distant because I don’t know how to properly communicate that my feelings are possibly deeper than I once thought. I’m still figuring it out. I’m still unlearning the things I once did to seem less… me.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

I don’t know why I always run to you with my good news first. An “awesome!!!” isn’t enough. I wanted you to show interest. Not that it matters, but you would have been more proud of me if you knew the story behind this accomplishment. The whole story is pointless, though. You’ll brag to your family not quite knowing what you’re bragging about. But as long as you can brag, you’re fine. I love you… I was going to say but. Two things can be true at once; I love you and I despise the way you show no real interest in me.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

I’ve been loved for simply being my authentic, chaotic self. Why would I expect any less moving forward?

(I don’t)

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

Maybe I will stop spilling all of myself into people’s laps who will only be around for a short while.

Maybe I can’t tell the difference between them and people who will be around for a long while.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

I was scrolling through my Target purchase history and came upon a trip in which I spent $184.23. November 16th, 2021. That’s the day I bought part of your birthday gift. A month before your birthday because I was that excited.

I allowed the tears to flow because healing works like that. I’ll miss you on a random Tuesday at 1:13. Just know that I’ve made progress because I don’t miss you all of the time.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

May another woman make you believe so deeply in God that you start talking to Him again.

— with the deepest, most sincere love ever,

ka

[stickytypewriter]

It’s okay to mourn the loss of things that “could have been”. Just because it wasn’t tangible doesn’t mean you can’t miss it.

(Yes, I am talking about that missed opportunity and almost relationship)

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

How many times can my heart be broken in one year?

I think I’m going for a world record

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

I forgot that chaos occasionally creates beautiful moments. I had to be still for a moment to acknowledge it.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

Being alive nor being dead is the worse thing I can be. I’m more scared of the middle ground in which I don’t know which I want to be.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

I have spent the past two years buying myself flowers. I’d do it for the rest of my life if it meant not accepting love that is anything less than what I deserve.

[I don’t just need to hear it. I need to see it, too.]

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

I randomly go to Target and spend $200. I buy myself $12.99 flowers at Trader Joe’s and forget to let them get sun because truthfully I don’t get enough sun myself. I keep my apartment at 68° and throw on a sweatshirt when that feels too cold. I splash tomato sauce all over my kitchen when I cook spaghetti. My sink is full of clean dishes because I forgot how I managed to fit it all in my cabinets to begin with. I use my washer and dryer as a laundry basket because I don’t actually have space for one. I walk to and from campus everyday and I get sweaty and gross. But it’s worth it because looking up at the palmetto trees amazes me. I drive 5 miles over the speed limit listening to Megan the Stallion and Emawk at a ridiculously high volume. Yes, this life of mine may be small and insignificant. Possibly even mundane. But living it feels both romantic and mystical.

-ka

[stickytypewriter]

Columbia

I underestimated a new start. I underestimated the feeling of moving to a place where no one knows the story I told way too many times. In way too many ways. I think I even began getting the details a little skewed after telling it for the fifth time. I underestimated the feeling of walking in a crowd and not thinking to myself “Where do I know them from? I should stop and say hello.” Every face is new and no one is demanding cordiality. Every restaurant, coffee shop, and bar are untainted by awkward first dates and study sessions that drag on for too long. My bed has only cradled my body and my pillows are only familiar with my head. Though all of this may change soon, I hold this feeling of ignorance, novelty, and naivety close to my heart. I overvalued my comfortability and in doing so underestimated moving on.

-ka