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Highest level poke so far in #pokemongo because pidgeys, pidgeys everywhere!! #TeamInstinct #pidgey #pokemon #pidgeot (at Costa Coffee)

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Starting an empire. If anyone is Team instinct, go protect! #TeamInstinct #pokemonGO #pokemon #teamyellow #TeamZapdos #yellow #Zapdos #golbat #KaleRose #gym #gymleader (at The Jolly Gardeners, SW15)

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Just claimed a gym for #TeamInstinct #TeamYellow #pokemonGO #TeamZapdos # Zapdos #yellow #pokemon #gym #battle #winner! (at Putney Bridge)

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Got super excited for my first egg hatching, it was a pidgey -_- #pokemongo #pokemon #egg #eggcited #anticlimax #letdown

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Caught my spirit animal. Yuss. #magikarp #pokemongo #pokemon #nerd #yes #yuss

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What do we want? A general election! When do we want it? Before article 50!#marchforeurope #brexit #EUref #london #rickroll #remain #protest #EU #europe #referendum

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Just said bye to this one for another month. I am sop :( Also she is very particular about insta filters and I have no idea #toomuchpressure #everythinglooksbetterinblackandwhite #transisbeautiful #trans #transgender #genderqueer #nonbinary #gq #nb #transcouple (at Newcastle railway station)

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Today I went to the doctors and told them I have Gender Dysphoria. It was awful and my doctor was ignorant as all fuck and said all the wrong things, but fuck it. I did it. And the next time I have to speak to someone it they'll know their shit and it won't be. #aaah #ididit #ifeelsick #brighthair #bluehair #greenhair #glasses #peircings #playstation #genderqueer #gq #nonbinary #nb #transmasc #holyshit #transgender #dysphoria #blues #onemorestep #psfanboy #nerdy

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Twelve Albums

One album per artist, and these are in the order I listened to them! Dory mentioned this to me the other day and I've been thinking about it a lot since, so decided to do it rather than just thinking about it forever. No doubt I'm going to remember a million more as soon as I hit post, but fuck it! Also, I am not musical whatsoever, so this is a very personal, 'what the album means to me' type post, not a review!

The Beatles - Anthology 2 (Disc 2)

“Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind Possessing and caressing me” Yes, I know a compilation, bear with me. The first 2 are going to be sketchy. I wanted to pick albums that truly mean something to me. Music has always been hugely important to me, and as a child I clung to the few tapes and then CDs my mother had around the house.Have a track list, because I appreciate how ridiculous this is;

Strawberry Fields Forever

Penny Lane

A Day in the Life

Good Morning Good Morning

Only a Northern Song

Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite!

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Within You Without You

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise)

You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)

I Am the Walrus

The Fool on the Hill

Your Mother Should Know

The Fool on the Hill

Hello, Goodbye

Lady Madonna

Across the Universe

Most of them aren't the single versions & there's a few different takes / demos of some tracks. Listening to this album now as an adult, I'm surprised how well the tracks work together, despite being from different albums as now I am a huge fan of listening to albums in their entirety. "Strawberry Fields Forever" is still one of my favourite songs, I remember strongly identifying with "No-one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low" and wrote it on my bedroom wall when I was around 7, some things don't change I guess. I remember being genuinely caught up the chaos and beauty of songs like "A Day in the Life" "For the Benefit of Mr Kite" and "I am the Walrus". The Beatles were my first major love when it came to music, I proudly announced to my Mum that I was going to Marry John Lennon only to be distraught and cry for days to be told he was dead. And that segways nicely (or not so nicely) to the next album.

David Bowie- Best of Bowie

"You've got your mother in a whirl, she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl" Bowie. It took me so long to decide to put the best of in here, but I couldn't choose a single album, and being only 23, this album was my introduction to him. My mum was quite a big fan, Bowie was always played in the house, I was 10 when this was released, and "I" (Thanks, Nana!) got it for her for Christmas. Then promptly stole it, yeah, kids are dicks. Also, part of what made Bowie amazing was just how diverse his music was, how often he reinvented himself, driving the trends. Since the John Lennon incident, Bowie's death was the only celebrity one which actually affected me. His music got me through my childhood, telling me it was ok to be different, all this has been said a million times by people far more eloquent than myself. I went to the impromptu memorial in Brixton in January, just as I was beginning to love music again. Powerful stuff. RIP Starman.

Green Day - Dookie

"Apathy has rained on me Now I'm feeling like a soggy dream So close to drowning but I don't mind I've lived inside this mental cave Throw my emotions in the grave Hell, who needs them anyway" So, Green Day were the start of my own music taste. My Half-sister (who is 14 years older than me) left Dookie at my house when I was about 8, and I loved it. I became obsessed with Green Day, all the way up to being about 14. I even loved them throughout American Idiot. I always hang in there one album longer than everyone else, apparently. But essentially, my music taste, the places I hung out, and the friends I made are largely because of this band, and this was the album that I fell in love with.

Placebo- Black Market Music

"I was never grateful That's why I spend my days alone I'm forever black-eyed A product of a broken home" When I was 13 I met Ruth, she introduced me to a world of music I hadn't access before, as she had the internet and I didn't. This was the days of her uploading a new album to her mp3 player most days, swapping with me for mine at the end of the day, me taking hers home to copy all of her music across. Back when being able to hold two full albums was a luxury. This album stood out to me immediately as something different. I hadn't heard anything like it before and I really enjoyed it. The Majority of the music I listened to in this period of my life was either pop-punk or heavier, but Placebo always spoke to me. They were my favourite band from 13-21 when I saw them live, and did not enjoy it. I'm not holding it against them though, I was with people who didn't want to get involved and were, at times actively mocking those who did. I'm going to go see them on their 20 years tour this year, marking 10 years of Brian Molko's beautiful voice serenading my life.

Reuben - Racecar is Racecar Backwards

”Oh it's easy to over simplify When you are not involved And I get so angry when someone can say "The answer's there - as clear as day!" This is a phenomenal album. I discovered Reuben by going to see them in Newcastle’s Carling Academy 2, when I was around 14/15. It was the first small gig I’d been to, I didn’t know them at the time, and it was fucking amazing. The atmosphere and energy in that small room was bigger than any gig I’d attended before. This gave birth to a brilliant time in my life when I’d go to loads of small cheap gigs, listening to a few tracks on myspace before I went and I discovered a load more brilliant lesser known bands because of it. Reuben broke up shortly after I saw them live, so I never did get to see them once they’d made their way firmly to being in my top bands. I did get to meet Jamie Lenman once though, even if I didn’t realise I had until afterwards, oops. Thanks to Reuben, music taste shift away from mainstream rock, which spilled over into the other genres too. They also got me into Post-Hardcore, most notably Million Dead… My Segway game is strong.

Frank Turner- Love, Ire and Song + the First Three Years

“Yeah, well life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings About fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings And the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering And help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live” Choosing a quote for this one was so hard. I will likely quote more, this album means the world to me. During my darkest time in life, when I didn’t enjoy anything anymore this double album was released. I loved Million Dead, and followed his solo career on myspace and through friends sending me tracks prior to this. A track again, on myspace connected with me; “Phones and computers become me, signals stretch back to the land that I’ve left” I had just moved to London, away from everything I knew, I decided to go to the album launch, saw him play, met him and got myself a signed copy. After that I listened to it almost exclusively for a long time. The message in this album, is beautiful. It helped keep me going, and as I had just moved to London, and Franky T was still pretty small, playing house parties, small free nights in pubs, it was pretty much my social life for a long time. I have seen him live 26 times, 25 of those being in the year and a bit I lived in London (aged 15-17). Unfortunately, I really do not enjoy anything he released after this, as cliche as it sounds. And I am truly gutted about that. His words spoke to me when almost nothing else could, and as I’ve grown older the words have only rang truer. “Oh maturity's a wrapped up package deal so it seems And ditching teenage fantasy means ditching all your dreams All your friends and peers and family solemnly tell you you will Have to grow up be an adult yeah be bored and unfulfilled Oh when no-one’s yet explained to me exactly what's so great About slaving 50 years away on something that you hate, about meekly shuffling down the path of mediocrity Well if that's your road then take it but it's not the road for me” I read a review of his once that said he wasn’t best vocalist in the world, or the best singer, but his message and his passion is enough to carry him through and for that not to be an issue. His songs still to this day inspire so much emotion in me, and for me in his later work just lacks that. Many people hold the idea that this invalidates his earlier work, but this album/ compilation double release is my desert island disc, and will forever hold a place in my heart.

Laura Marling- Alas I Cannot Swim

Lover, please. Do not fall to your knees, it’s not like I believe in everlasting love. I don’t quite know where to start with this album. Not being very musically inclined, I can only really talk about how they make me feel, and I’m starting to run out of describing words. This album is start to finish beautiful. I have always been a sucker for acoustic music, and her voice is just the perfect fit. Her voice reminds me of country music, there’s real feeling in it. This album was released when she was 18, and she was releasing EPs long before that. I found her through Beans on Toast’s song “I Fancy Laura Marling (But she’s only 16)” I hate to sound cliche and compromising but I couldn’t believe it. Her songs and her voice have such depth, pain and soul to them, it’s truly stunning. The whole album is like being transported to a beautiful meadow, with a house across the river, but alas I cannot swim. I give up. Just listen to it, I don’t think anyone could object to it, regardless of your music taste!

The Knife- Deep Cuts

”Is it medicine or social skill Don't have the answer and nobody will You go screaming on without a word Being sad is a full time work And now the day has come to an end And then you start to cry again” Oh my word. The Knife. I honestly don’t know how to describe them. I can’t listen to them without grooving along and at the very least mouthing the words. I was living with my sister, who runs a electronic music record label, and they came on in the living room one day. The original of “heartbeats” was so mind-blowingly different to the acoustic cover I’d heard on an advert (you know the one, bouncy balls going on a hill) I was instantly intrigued. My sister had pretty much everything they released and I was hooked. They really opened me up to more genres of music instead of being the little goff kid who only listened to rock I had been previously.

Against Me! - Transgender Dysphoria Blues

“What's the best end you can hope for? Pity fucks and table scraps Subterfuge and detachment A bullet in the head and a bullet in the chest” This was one of the few albums that spoke through to me, even while I was in so deep I didn’t enjoy music again. It didn’t last, but once I was in a better place and back into music again, it’s now one of the album’s I listen to the most. I’m finding this harder to write about than the others, because I experienced this album twice really, in two very different ways. Once when it came out in 2014 and I was still in huge denial to myself about my gender. I identified with the title track as my years of trying to fit in with the “other girls” and do as they do, but they knew I didn’t belong as much as I did. And of course, now that I am finally coming to terms with my dysphoria, and taking control of it, some days when out in public, having this blasting in my ears is enough to remind me I’m not alone and others are going through this every day. It’s enough for me to keep walking with my head held high. “You know it’s obvious, we can’t choose how we’re made” And of course, I find it impossible to listen to this album now without thinking about my true trans soul rebel

Enter Shikari- A Flash Flood of Colour

“Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t think… the primary purpose of your life, of my life, and the entirety of the human race Is just to blindly consume to support a failing economy and a faulty system For ever and ever Until we run out of every resource And have to resort to blowing each other up to ensure our own survival. I don’t think… We’re supposed to sit by idle While we continue to use a long outdated system That produces war, poverty, collusion, corruption, Ruins our environment and threatens every aspect of our health, And does nothing but divide and segregate us, I don’t think… How much military equipment we’re selling to other countries, How many hydrocarbons we’re burning, How much money is being printed and exchanged Is a good measure of how healthy our society is. But I do think… I can speak for everyone when I say… We’re sick of this shit.” ENTER SHIKARRRIIIIIIIIII I started listening to these guys back in 2006. They were another “fuck it that’s a cheap gig” discovery. I listened to “We can breathe in space, they just don’t want us to escape” and, of course “sorry you’re not a winner” on their myspace before going along. Oh. My. Word. Tiny venue, nothing but the band on stage and it was the most amazing gig experience of my life. That gig held that title for almost 10 years, until last month, when I went to see them again! Now playing Alexandra Palace, 10,000 strong crowd, all standing tickets. I normally don’t enjoy large gigs very much, and avoid big venues as a rule! There’s often too many people who want to be near the front, and stand there and film it on their iPhone, and it takes an amazing band to command that huge a stage and create an amazing atmosphere in the whole venue. But Enter Shikari pulled it off. Near the end of the show, Rou said “This shouldn’t be happening… We're not afraid to call a cunt a cunt, We speak about social issues, we are direct. And we’re independent. That shouldn’t equal this...this is a hobby that's got out of hand. Well out of hand.” And that’s why I love them, they’re political, thought provoking, angry, and evoke such emotion with both their lyrics and music. I loved “Take to the Skies” when it came out, concept albums are my favourite, and if I was allowed to repeat bands, that would definitely be up here too. I sort of stopped following new music, and never listened to them again, until this year when I was invited along to the gig. I was initially reluctant, I’d heard bad things about “Common Dreads” the follow up to “Take to the Skies”. I shouldn’t have worried. Their albums just take the concept from “take to the skies” and build upon it. Becoming less and less a subtle message and more screaming truths. Again, I cannot listen to them and sit still, I bounced and stamp my feet on the tube and get weird looks for it. Yet they manage to write the most beautiful tracks like “constellations”. They just bring this feeling out in me, I can’t explain. But, most importantly, they made me feel love for music again. https://s.mxmcdn.net/images-storage/albums/0/5/8/3/1/2/30213850_500_500.jpg

Garrett Walters- I Call my Younger Sister Twice a Day

“The Dysphoria, is still clawing at your chest, scratching at your skin and seeping out” This entire album is only 25 minutes long. I think I listen to it more than once most days. When I started enjoying music again, I asked everyone for suggestions.My best friend sent me “Grace’s anarcho folk punk cry wank” playlist, which had some Garrett Walters on there. The first track, “I have regrets” from the very start I thought was me, then it got to “The Dysphoria, is still clawing at your chest, scratching at your skin and seeping out” woah. I may have cried. I find the newer albums much harder to write about, it’s too much like self analysis, I can do it looking back but not at the time. “I spent too many goddamn nights, learning to back down from fights that I know now I would gladly die in”

Iron Chic- Not Like This

“We get up early, we come home tired our lives for hire, we're making money for someone else can't breathe like there's hands around my throat can't scream this place is filled with ghosts “ Again this one is hard to talk about because it is new. But, wow. As I go about my day, with music on shuffle, every now and then a lyric comes through so clearly, even though I wasn’t paying attention to what I was listening to, and I have to see who it is. Almost every time recently it’s been Iron Chic, and mainly this album. Every single song in it has a powerful lyric, or such emotion that picking a quote was a struggle. After I wrote my Homeward Bound post, “Every town has an Elm Street” came up on shuffle, as the song that made me listen to this album in it’s entirety I already loved it, but then particularly it spoke to me “home is where we are today”. Really hoping I manage to get tickets for their sold out show next month, somehow. "Life is weird but we’re together here, so what's the use in being normal?"

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15

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Have a picture of Grace's ridiculous dog. Officially give up on the tumblr app. Going to have to set aside dedicated laptop time each day, so going to do one per day and stop stressing about hitting the midnight deadline because let's face it, my day ends much later than midnight. I had written a huge rant about the shit day I had but it decided not to post it and now I just need to sleep. I'm annoyed that this is already turning into a page of excuses but I think as long as I don't stop there will be times when I'm not so hectic and I will actually get a quality post on the Internet. I've got a year maybe I'll even manage two. Blergh. Reality.

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13. Fuck you tumblr So I posted earlier but apparently it broke and didn't upload properly. So now it's just a picture because I am annoyed and tired. Will try to rewrite a proper post tomorrow. Blergh :p

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12. Homeward Bound.

I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘home’ recently. Mainly because I often accidentally sound like a complete psycho and refer to the place where I am staying that night as ‘home’. Smooth move when you’ve been dating someone for like, a day and are suggesting heading back to theirs. I realised it has a very different meaning to me than most people. I’ve never really felt like I had one, for a start. 

I need to tell you everything at some point, dear reader. If you don’t know me / don’t know me well there’s a lot of back story which needs filling in to make me make (at least slightly more) sense. But growing up a child of abuse/ neglect, home was the opposite of what it should have been. It didn’t mean warmth, safety and love it was four walls of filth that I was trapped in. I’ve been promised a fresh start and ‘welcome home’ too many times, only for the ones offering it to leave later, that I don’t hold any real meaning to the word like I feel others do. 

Or as much meaning. I don’t know, it’s odd. I also adapt to things really quickly, and after a week of routine it’s now just the norm to me, and going back to my regular life is hard to adjust. I’m back at work for the first time in almost 3 weeks thanks to Bank Holidays, illness & actual holidays, and the idea of going back tomorrow terrifies me. I don’t know why, I love my job. Honestly, I am normally excited to go there, and the time just flies by. I stay after home time by accident way too often, and the people I work with are amazing. 11 days up North, and London is scary again. I haven’t been in the actual house I live in for 42 days at this point. During this time I’ve been on such a journey and I’ve (very recently) gotten to the point where I can look in a mirror and be (semi) happy with the person looking back. I just think everyone will question it. Bandwagon. Gender is the hot issue at the moment and ‘she’ is just jumping on it. 

The North has been easy. People have seen the change in me, not in the way I look, but how I act. I’m happy, I contribute to discussions, I have passion, I am a person again. The scary part now is living every day and continuing to make small adjustments and not forget how good them telling me that has felt. To keep doing things for me, and realise I’m no good to anyone when I’m not good to myself. Weird how a last minute 300 mile trip to help someone else has helped me focus on me. 

After today I’m going to be back home and hopefully able to formulate better thought out posts. And actually do them every day. 

Whoops. 

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11. So I missed yesterday. Making up for it now. I really don't mind that much that I missed it, more just that I tried to correct it as soon as I had time to myself today and apparently that didn't post. Need to stop posting from the app. Yesterday I was happy. So happy that I forgot everything, this blog included and I'm not going to apologise for that. The beach makes me so calm, even just a little walk along it makes me feel so much better about everything. It's sort of like looking at the stars and realising how small you are. I love looking out to sea. That combined with amazing company yesterday made me more content than I've felt in months/ years / ever aha. I started this blog as a therapeutic thing, and to be honest, things have *touch wood* been going so well I haven't needed it.

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10. Another lazy post, busy day! Today I went to a rat show. This was a big deal as I've been to them before and always struggled to speak to people, been very self conscious and generally felt anxious. Going alone this time, and not having rats with me made it worse at first, but as I'd volunteered to run the cuddle corner, I got rats and people coming to me. I actually knew the answers to most of the questions they asked me, I got out of my little nervous thing straight away. Also, telling people of my severe rat withdrawl meant I had instant ice breaker, and of course a chance to snuggle some adorable rats. Mainly Kevin. <3 Ridiculous name for a rat! I got to feel useful, covering the kitchen for ages which kept me busy, and meant I had an excuse to take peoples names with their orders, and realise who people were and match them to online which made everything less scary too. I feel more like its a community I'm part of now, not on the outside of. I think I thought everyone was closer than they are and I'm an outsider but now I'm really not so sure! Aha. Brain rambles. Managed to wrangle a lift back into civilisation and spend an evening without my brain over thinking everything and just enjoying the time I have with the people I care about. Doesn't happen often enough. If you told me a week ago that things would work out this well from how messed up and confusing they were, I'd have told you to get to fuck :p I always have this fear that if I voice that everything will go wrong. I need to get over that.

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I'm late. Sorry. Busy day :p

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8. Missing out.

Still up North, so living between Newcastle and Ashington. I find myself constantly reminded of being a teenager and travelling into Newcastle whenever I could. That’s when I realised I often miss being a teenager. Even though it was probably one of the worst times in my life. But I did other things too. From years 13-18 I was taken into care, went to live with family members, got kicked out, rinse, lather, repeat and then was homeless and lived between my friends houses until trying to support myself through school and paying rent. Mind fuck. But I still did things. I still had good times. And they were even better because of it. My friends became my family and supported me. I got through. I’ve said a lot lately I thrive in chaos. When everything is going to shit around me I somehow manage to keep going and often with a bigger lust for life “Well I’ll fucking prove them wrong!”. I bounce from stressy situation to stressy situation and manage to keep my head. People wonder how I’m doing so well and are amazed that I don’t need the support they offer. Then everything settles down, and I go to shit. The time spent rushing around and worrying and panicking doesn’t reduce. I just turn to other stuff. And because things are going well I turn to stuff I have no control over. Then I can’t formulate a game plan and a way to solve it so I stress more. Then because I’m stressed and don’t have a coping mechanism everything is scary. Things I love become a chore and the doorway becomes a looming chasm. It taunts me all day and steals my breath as I try to draw closer to it. Some days a different approach can catch it off guard and sneak past with only a slight tightening in my chest. Others it’s too daunting and sends me retreating back to bed, disgusted at the sheer terror I feel when confronted with a sheet of fucking timber. Then there’s the times it wins. Alone I crumble before it and times speeds up until there’s nothing behind the door for me anyway, so again I retreat with my shame left crumpled in the hallway. Forever and always if led through by another I’m fine. A touch on my shoulder or a squeeze of my hand is usually enough to dissolve most of the fear. See it through their eyes. It’s just a fucking door. Since moving to London eyes don’t even follow me down the streets most days. Last month was a huge deal for me. In more ways than one. I lived on my own for a month and only let the door beat me 4 times. That’s 27 days I walked out of the front door alone and stole my breath back from it. And that’s huge. I need to keep thinking about beginnings and stop thinking about ends. This is a new beginning and it’s terrifying, but if I can face the door I can face me. And I’m not terrifying at all, I’m a panda cub.