suxxocatingsadnes

[suxxocatingsadnes]

You know life has been shit when the new year roll’s around and you think to yourself “ Wow, I really made it another year”

[suxxocatingsadnes]

“Buckle up sweetheart, life is going to be a bumpy ride”

[suxxocatingsadnes]

I started this page when I was 14, heartbroken, depressed but I didn't know why, little me back then really thought I knew what it was like to go through shit but I was just a kid and I didn't know who I was or what I wanted from this shitty world...and now here I am, back again but this time I'm 20 years old, but with losses, pain, and heartbreak that 14 year old me couldn't dream of experiencing.

For a long while I thought I'd left the demons of my past behind me, I was so wrong. My demons are still there, they were just dormant for a long while but as I've grown they've grown too, I can feel them. That heavy feeling in my chest, The not wanting to go to work, or get out of bed...i can feel myself becoming paralyzed and it's so so fucking scary.

I think the scariest thing is, that everything shitty in my life at the moment I have caused myself, I have well and truly hit the self destruct button on my own life and my world is crashing and burning right in my hands and all I can do is look at the ashes of everything that I used to have.

I can feel myself slipping away, the desire to just simply disappear becomes more of a reoccurring thought with each passing day.

I'm slowly drowning in a sea of my own chaos ... And the shittiest thing is, the only person to blame is myself.

[suxxocatingsadnes]

You supply the fire and I'll bring the gasoline.

[suxxocatingsadnes]

Sad sad sad

[suxxocatingsadnes]

:(

I’m really just trying to keep my head above water but I really feel like I’m about to drown :(

[suxxocatingsadnes]

I just really want to run away from all of this shit

[suxxocatingsadnes]

“ im constantly running away from my own demons “

-suxxocatingsadness

[suxxocatingsadnes]

“ sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and sob until I can’t feel anything anymore”

— suxxocatingsadness

[suxxocatingsadnes]

“ no one can hate me more than I hate me”

- Suxxocatingsadness

[suxxocatingsadnes]

“This horrible feeling feels like it’s going to last an eternity”

[suxxocatingsadnes]

Fragile

im so much more fragile these days, always on the verge of tears...

Greif is such a horrible thing, it consumes you ... makes you crack. These last 7 months for me have been the hardest 7 months i have ever experienced in my life, im here but i am not ... i am alive but i also feel asif half of me is dead.

How is it fair to do this to someone, to rip up their lives into tiny little molocules and cause them to have to live in a world where something is always missing. 

You start to think, your brain goes into overdrive just trying to find one tiny explenation as to why this happened to you but their never is one... there will  never be one.  They say their is six stages of greif but none of them resonate to how im feeling, none of them give me any guidance, reassurance.

No one knows what to say, they look at you with a pained expression and sorrow in their eyes as they tell you “you’re too young for this to happen, im so sorry for your loss” but sorry does not help , no amount of sorry’s given in the world will bring the person i love back in this godammed world.

everyday is so mentally exausting, he is on my mind every single day, at night i wish he was still here, i still go past where he used to work and pray to god that i am going to see him but i never do...

that’s the saddest part of it all really, i can always wish but it is never going to come true ... I am fragile.

[suxxocatingsadnes]

Why did this happen to me?

Why have I been cursed with this pain that is going to last eternally , 6 months on and it’s finally hit me , I’m never seeing you again... you’re gone... and you always will be

[suxxocatingsadnes]

i have to get through this

[suxxocatingsadnes]

“You still live in pieces and that is okay there are days when you do not have to live you just have to simply breathe and survive”

— J.DG

[suxxocatingsadnes]

06/03/18

I’m falling apart

I’m crumbling into pieces every single day

I’m not coping

I’m not sleeping properly

I either sleep too much or not sleep at all

I’m back at college and the daily rowdyness is making me feel anxious

I keep thinking the boy who loves me to the ends of the earth dosent love me and it’s affecting my relationship with him .

I miss my dad so much , seeing him in his coffin lifeless haunts my brain every single day .

Their signing me up for counselling, I don’t need another person telling me how sorry they are that this has happened too me and how it’s so devastating because I’m “ so young”.

Im completely wasting away

I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep being strong when the universe is cursing me with all this bullshit.

[suxxocatingsadnes]

The world just keeps chewing me up and spitting me back out again