#/ also i'm sorry this is a mile long

[lactoseintolerentswag]

when they've got interpreting spiderman noir under a specific cultural lens at the function [picture of me going insane]

I cant help myself.. what can i say. And since you've mentioned some research going on behind the scenes.. do you have any fun interpretations? Or even anything fun about the 1800s!

OH HI

Hm. I don't have anything as fun as historical dancing, but I suppose this does give me the excuse (thabk u) to blab about Noir's childishness.

(wow putting this under the cut bc it got longer than I thought it would LMAO)

I think what a lot of people (including Noir's contemporary writers and yes even the spiderverse interpretation) fall for when trying to read Noir's character is the imitation of his idea of what an adult is, that he hides behind. Like Noir's persona is incredibly exaggerated. He's playing pretend. Look here, he's practicing.

A lot of his persona as Noir is imitation! Imitation of his uncle, of Urich, of the violence he's been exposed to. He's running around in his uncle's old uniform. Fundamentally misunderstanding WHY his uncle had been ashamed of it and his role in the war.

And then he goes ahead and steals Urich's alias because it sounds Cool (which is such a teenage thing to do jesus christ).

But like that imitation of The Adult isn't something that's limited to that exaggerated persona that Noir encapsulates. Peter himself is trying So Hard to be grown up and tough and responsible that it loops back around to him being a brat who would try the three guys in a trench coat trick. He even gets beat up for it when trying to defend his aunt. And I mean I've posted about him being a brat.

About how he looks at Urich as a Prime Example of what a strong and knowledgeable adult is (which is part of why he reacts so volatile in response to Urich showing he's not exactly as morally righteous as himself, he's wounded and let down). Whiskey? Whiskey sounds like someone Mature and Cool would drink, I'll have it too. And then proceeds to throw his drink at Osborn and laugh about it. The illusion was broken for me then.

But well it's not broken for everyone. I mean like obviously I poked at the contemporary writers, but I'm more talking about the other characters in the narrative. Mainly Urich and Felicia.

Urich taking Peter under his wing isn't entirely under the motivation to nurture Peter. I think it Becomes that, but he's really envious of that kid. He wants to see him lose that hope that he once had (ruh roh the opposite thing happened, being around the kid made YOU more hopeful Ben. Guess you gotta be good. Hope you don't die now).

Urich really is exposing him to an extremely harsh reality, and taking him places where adults are typically only allowed. He's letting Peter get a glimpse into what it's like, which will eventually enable Noir's tool of violence. All these tests will accumulate into what Peter thinks someone powerful and strong can be and do.

Then his problematic relationship with Felicia (writers I'm malleting you for this). He's clinging to her adulthood and the safety she represents, and he's young but she sees some adult strength in him. I mean she trusts him with the blackmail Urich gave her, which she really. Shouldn't, even if that's what Urich wanted.

Anyway, strength is something she's been consistently drawn to her in her partners. Strength to feel as her own. Even if it's to hers and others' detriment. There's also a part of Peter that's drawn to Felicia because Urich was. He's still honing in the good parts of Urich he wants to be.

I think the one person in the narrative who doesn't fall for it? Is Aunt May. You could argue it's just her being naturally motherly, but for someone who was about to be eaten alive she's pretty frank with Noir. I think she can see that that violence and exaggerated grittiness comes from someone inexperienced and young. Even if she can't consciously recognize the similarities between Noir's persona and Peter's protectiveness of her. I don't think she wants to see that. I actually have a short comic script about that, but it probably will never see the light of day.

Ugh he's like a cat puffing up to scare away a predator. It's fake!!!!! It's all fake!!!!!! He gets intimidated by JJ, he never ties his shoes, gets powers and then immediately guns to beat the shit out of Osborn, sings about the sandman when he's getting his face bashed in, crawls to Felicia all pathetic and sad, and he made a costume to run over roofs at night in.

And it's funny how he's forcing himself to grow up, but also really sad because all the things he's being exposed to is already forcing him to grow up. He's witnessing things no kid should ever see or experience.

Then there's the time period to consider. The aftermath of WWI, being in the midst of the Great Depression, and WWII just around the corner. He's faced incredible hardship and is going to continue to face so much hardship, and he's going to mature faster than he ever should have. It should have made him crash and burn Hard when he became an adult, and to me he still does because I'm ignoring everyone after ewaof LMAO.

As for my research on the 1800s NY that's for my own spider iteration run I'm working on, so not too related to Noir until I reach the 30's :3

Hope that was satisfying!!

[danfrik]

OK, THINGS HAPPENED, BUT I'M ALIVE I SWEAR-

HERE, HAVE A PEEK OF THE DRAWING I'M WORKING ON, THIS IS GOING TO TAKE SO LONG BUT I SWEAR IT'S WORTH IT-

[chikahoshi]

What are your favorite aspects when it comes to Miles' personality and when it comes to Gwen's personality ?

I have a bit more to say about Gwen because I've been thinking about it for a long while, but I hope this is still good enough for both characters. :)

When it comes to Miles' personality, I really love how he loves his family. Even when he gets mad/frustrated at his parents, he understands that they just want what's best for him even if they may not always say or do the things he needs them to (very relatable). But at the same time, I also love that he can still be imperfect and talk back, like when he said whatever to them at the party. It makes him feel like a real teenager, you know? Another thing that I really like is how charismatic and playful he can be; it's really fun how he bounces off with other characters!

As for Gwen...This might be a weird thing to say, but one of my favorite aspects when it comes to Gwen's personality, especially at the beginning of Across the Spiderverse, is her anger, lol. I have a softness for female characters who have this deeply imbedded sadness/trauma that's masked as anger, and for Gwen, in particular, it's not like she's constantly angry. Like you already know, it was only shown in the beginning part of Across, and Gwen becomes friendlier in the rest of the movie. But I like it when characters can be multifaceted, even if some of those facets are not pretty. It makes them feel more human. Another thing I also love about Gwen, which I'm glad more people are talking about this now, is her love language is physical touch. It's really endearing, and I love how it's shown with Miles and her dad. Even her giving a little pat on the action figure's head supports this. :)

[holocene-sims]

List 5 facts about a favorite sim of yours, and send this to simblrs whose sims you adore ✨️

(Your turn!)

hi hi hi!! thank you so much for sending me this!!

last time i did one of these, i answered it for my (mostly) brand new character, yunha...so, let me introduce her twin brother now!

here come the basic stats ✏️ yunseok is 6'2", his mbti type is infj, his enneagram is 9w1, and his zodiac big three are pisces sun, sagittarius moon, and scorpio rising

he's chronically OFFLINE 🌾 he's never had a social media account other than one on kakaotalk to message friends/family and a profile picture-less youtube account that he uses to watch very specific hobby videos or listen to music. that's it. i wouldn't say he's unaware of memes or online culture overall, like yunha and his friends keep him in the loop so he's not completely baffled at their references, but he doesn't care for being on the internet.

he's kind of the perfect split between nerd and jock ⚽ even though he doesn't spend much time on the internet, he does like video games, and he grew up playing them with yunha whenever they had access to a computer or a console. his favorite games at the moment are project zomboid and elden ring. on the other hand, he's also a big sports guy. he loves baseball, basketball, and soccer, and he's practiced taekwondo for a longgggg time. so, most of the time, if you're trying to find him, he'll be at some sports complex or at the gym!

halloween is his favorite holiday! 🎃 and he spends a considerable amount of energy deciding what costume to wear each year and trying to convince friends and family to do group costumes with him. that hounding sometimes works out and results in, for example, him dressing up as the corpse bride and his (now ex)-girlfriend going with him as victor

he's currently employed as a night security guard at a factory, and wow does he hate it 😭 very rarely does he actually get to do anything, so for 98% of the night he's just sitting there in the booth pretending anything interesting is happening. that 2% of the night that *is* "interesting" is going on foot patrols and sometimes letting a worker inside. it's also quite an isolating job given the schedule and the fact that he's almost always the only guard on duty every night

[zonaraze]

i love the investigations cast so much man... they are all so good and i just want them to be a big happy found family

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

i am going to put delusion on the side for this one and say that after watching every interview, gig and song they both ever made together i've come to think that miles was the one who felt something romantic.

my man alex on the other hand... is a capricorn with daddy issues i'm afraid.

hi 💗 thank you for this ask and sorry it took me a couple days to get to it - life has been manic!

(disclaimer: all pure speculation for fun, i'm not claiming to have any genuine knowledge of the lives of people i've never met)

tbh i can really see where you're coming from with this - i've always got the vibes that miles feels something really deep romantically for alex, while alex's feelings towards miles are more complex? like, to me, the way miles looks at alex and interacts with him, the lyrics he's written over the years etc - they all suggest someone who is in really deep and also knows that they are.

whereas alex - idk, to me it's obvious that he feels a really deep connection to miles, but in a way that doesn't necessarily fit clearly into any of the boxes of romantic/platonic/sexual (and maybe incorporates elements of all three in varying levels). in my opinion, alex has a really profound connection with miles and i think also a level of attraction to him (i mean their stage interactions, hello lol), and i think those two things together may well have resulted in something happening between them at some point - but yeah, my guess would be that alex didn't feel things romantically in the way miles seems to have done. i also feel like the glimpses of his behaviour post tlsp 2 suggest whatever he was feeling was maybe more complicated and he felt more in conflict/confusion with? whereas miles has generally seemed pretty resigned/accepting of his feelings, which to me suggests that they're more straightforward in terms of fitting into a particular box (i.e. romantic).

idk if that makes any sense at all or if i'm just rambling, sorry if i am lol. i think what i'm trying to say is that i agree with you, i think appearances do suggest miles was the one felt something romantically - but i also think it's worth remembering that alex doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve the way miles does, so it's maybe harder to get a clear sense of how he felt about it. but yeah, overall my instinct is that alex felt something more complicated, while miles's feelings have always been more straightforwardly romantic.

[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Arabian Nights AU (Turtle of choice x F!Reader) - Ch.3

After uh ..... 4 years of staying in my drafts, here’s the next chapter fsndfbsdjfbsd. (Yep, started that AU in 2019 <__< ...)

Last chapter we spent some time with Raph and Donnie, now it’s Leo and Mikey’s turns !!

Reminder that this story is going to be a sort of “choose your own adventure/romance” kinda thing. “But Mama Vee, can I romance more than one turtle?” No. ‘cause, hell, that’d be too much work x’D Stick with one and read the story again if you want to romance another 👏 it’ll be indicated at the start of chapters whenever such choice is required.

Ch.1 || Ch.2

The next day you woke up with the sun, the whole world ever so silent - frozen in gold. You couldn’t help the feeling of being called by the oasis, the view of water ever so relaxing. It didn’t take long before you made your way to the luscious garden surrounding the source, walking barefeet into the fresh grass. A calm sigh escaped your lips as you stopped into a ray of light, closing your eyes and simply taking the moment in. Peace...

“Can you breathe any louder?”

You jumped slightly, unaware that you were not alone. Your gaze rapidly scanned the place and that’s when you found one of the turtles on a large, flat rock, a little farther from your position. It was Leo, the creature seated in a meditative posture, the back of his hands placed on his knees, palms up to the sky. You made your way to him, already apologizing:

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were here...”

As you got before him, the blue clad turtle cracked open an eye, next showing a grin.

“Don’t worry, I’m just messing with you. ... It’s not everyday I get some company this early.”

He gestured the empty space next to him on the rock.

“Come. Sit with me.”

You accepted the invitation, taking place and giving a chance for silence to settle once more. You tried to mimic Leo’s posture - after making sure that his eyes were truly closed. It was ... strangely relaxing! Your palms turned to the world, your energy felt like a stream; coursing through your veins in a beautiful flow. And to feel the turtle’s presence and own energy in return somehow made you feel empowered. This creature you first met in fear was now an unexpected source of comfort...

“Donnie explained the situation to me last night,” calmly started the other, getting you out of your reverie. “... The voyage is feasible, but not without any danger. ... Raiders travel in large groups and are often merciless. We are but just four soldiers that can do so little much.”

“Don’t you have any allies that could help?” you asked, looking back at him. “There must be people that fight for the same ideals as yours.”

His blue eyes fell on you, ever so calm and poised.

“Of course. ... But they are far and by the time they would arrive, your people would be long gone by then. ... We are sadly alone in this case.”

A small frown invaded your traits, your heart suddenly beating hard.

“Let me help. Let me accompany you and fight!”

A stifled laugh escaped the terrapin, but it quickly died as he knew you were truly sincere.

“Do you at least know how to handle a weapon?”

“I’ve handled sickles in the fields to help my family during harvest!”

“But can you kill? Can you look into someone’s eyes and see their last light flicker away as you emptied them of their blood?”

He had asked that while slightly leaning towards you as a way to emphazise his words. You were speechless, finally looking away in defeat.

“I- ... I don’t know,” you mumbled. Although you looked back to him with confidence. “But I need to do something. I need to help my people and I will not stand on the sideline.”

The turtle smirked, getting back into his previous position.

“Your words have power in them, but who knows if they will translate properly into actions? ... I cannot say if you’re ready, but I might know who will.”

“Who?”

***

You met Mikey, as per Leo’s request, a bit later in the morning. As you approached an interior courtyard, you were first greeted by the soft thump echoes of arrows getting stuck into targets. Your eyes finally landed on the orange clad terrapin, taking a moment to observe his form as he was nocking another arrow to his bow. Although the smallest amongst his brothers (but still taller than you), Mikey’s body was toned to perfection - remaining an actual threat to any wrongdoers. Only wearing loose pants, but still adorning golden jewelry to complement his style, you could only admire such a force of nature being so at ease in his environment. Readying his bow, the flex of his arms had you gulping in no time, trailing your gaze along the lines of his scales glistening under the morning sun. His breathing slowed down, taking a moment to properly aim. And with a sharp air intake, he released the arrow, which successfully planted itself near the center of his makeshift target.

“Impressive,” you couldn’t help yourself.

The turtle rolled his shoulders, his radiant smile appearing in an instant.

“Enjoying the view?” he asked.

A slight blush rose on your cheeks, diverting your eyes. But you still walked into view and closer to the terrapin.

“... I didn’t mean to intrude or be impolite.”

“Nah, don’t beat yourself over that. If I can enjoy looking at someone, I sure hope others can enjoy me in return,” he winked.

He got another arrow out, preparing himself for another shot.

“Leo briefly told me about testing you over, right as I got out of my room,” he continued, closing an eye to get a better focus. “But I don’t see why, really.”

Mikey let loose once again, hitting close to the center. He then looked back over to you, this feeling of respect in his gaze.

“You survived the desert. To me, you’re strong already.”

You smiled politely, but that didn’t stop brief flashbacks from your time under the scorching sun and heat to get to your thoughts.

“Maybe it’s more luck than actual strength,” you said. “It felt quite like hell out there...”

The terrapin’s traits softened, offering you his bow.

“Then maybe you’ll be our lucky charm in our upcoming quest,” he added. “Let’s see how you fare first with a weapon.”

You briefly hesitated before holding the bow, having rarely got any chances to actually wield one - except the short one your father had for hunting. The weapon felt a bit heavier, yet its shape was easy to place in your hands.

“I’m a bit rusty with bows, unfortunately,” you confessed, testing the chord and getting into an aiming position.

Mikey got closer, his touch gentle as he properly placed your arms and posture.

“Keep your firing arm’s forearm in a straight line, lining it perfectly with an arrow - up to your ear. Twist that holding arm a liiiiiiiittle towards the inside - there we go.”

His proximity brought heat all over your body, feeling much more confident already with his encouragements. He next handed you an arrow, making sure it was properly nocked. The turtle’s arms were now extending with yours, mimicking you posture, standing right behind you.

“That’s it,” he said calmly. “Center yourself and extend your sight to where you wanna hit. Stop any shakiness by holding your breath...”

You felt like your arms were about to snap at any moment, the tension even greater than what you had experienced before with your father’s bow. You held your breath in, finally focusing your shot.

“Shoot,” simply commanded Mikey with a confident smile.

You released, the sharp sound of the string’s release thumping loud in your brain for a brief second. The arrow nearly missed the target, only to land in its larger, near-end, circle. You finally breathed out, although disappointed.

“Not bad!”

“That was atrocious,” you added, gazing back at the male.

“No need to be harsh on yourself,” teased Mikey. “At least I know you have some skills that can be worked on.”

You handed the bow back to the terrapin, stretching your arms afterward.

“I may have more luck  with shorter weapons,” you stated. “Like I mentionned to Leo, I handled sickles in the fields. I’m used to them.”

Mikey’s smile turned slightly flirtatious: “Oh, close combat, I like that too,” he ended with a quick wink. But his attention soon diverted as he proceeded to detach the quiver resting at his waist. “Although I think the best one to test you on that would be Raph - to which I’ll say good luck trying to convince him that you have any worth.”

How could you even spar with such a mountain, anyway?

“... If that’s what it takes to show you guys that I can defend myself and help, then so be it.”

“And that’s what I wanted to hear,” encouraged Mikey. “You’ve got spirits. It’s something you’ll need along the way.”

He rested his bow and arrows to a nearby weapon rack, next gesturing you to follow him.

“Now come! I think we deserve a lil’ break. Care for something to eat?”

You smiled, getting to his side and walking with him.

“Absolutely! Lead the way.”

((TO BE CONTINUED))

[genderdryad]

i feel like i shouldn't have to plaster "mspec/male 'lesbians' dni" all over my page but here we are

[songofwizardry]

my youtube home page recommended videos these days are like

video i've already watched

actual video i'd like to watch from a creator i follow

extremely upsetting video that has zero (0) relevance to anything i ever watch

video with ten views of someone's high school graduation or something

shorts i don't want

video i've already watched

video from my watch-later playlist that i saved five years ago

six (6) videos related to home improvement bc i made the mistake of watching one (1) video about fixing something once

tomska????

[celestialtrolls-moved]

thinking about aelynn again

[littleragondin]

For the ask game: 🏳️‍🌈, 💎, 🧸

Thank you for asking! („• ᴗ •„)

🏳️‍🌈 something you wish wasn’t so common in BLs

I'll go with he shipping characters/obsessive BL enthusiast. Sometimes it feels like we are getting away from it and then one makes a surprise appearance (yes i just watched Marry Go Round and while I ended up mostly ok with her, Emmy took me by surprise) and I'm back to

ヾ(`ヘ´)ﾉﾞ w h y ? ? ?

Even the mildest examples (I'm thinking like Tomoyo and Sakura (...the wasted potential of not giving us a crumb about them being a couple i swear) from Senpai, danjite koidewa who were very respectful and low key about it) make me roll my eyes and sigh now. It's okay, I think we can find other ways to make "audience relatable" characters if that was the point of them.

(but I also have to agree with everyone I saw mention the sleeping kisses, that can go for good)

💎 show you wish people talked about more:

I will have to say The Miracle of Teddy Bear again yeah. I know it's a 2022 release, that it's on the longer side (17 ep of 1+ hour) and it has a polarized reputation, but I feel like it had so much to say, I was completely taken it by it, I think it had a lot of heart, and while a bit heavier than the soap opera/cheesy cheap aspects might initially suggest, it left me with a lot of hope and I haven't stopped thinking about it since I saw it in April.

🧸 friends to lovers or enemies to lovers?

That one's a no brainer for me, I'm a friends to lovers addict every day of the week. I enjoy a good enemies to lovers, I do. But there is something with a long lasting friendship that wants to turn into something else, the knowing the other, the familiarity and already loving them so much, the fear of losing what you have... yeah I am team friends to lovers all the way.

[daylightaftertherain]

the people who complain about midnights not being different or bigger or "better" than the rest of taylor's discography are so funny because she literally says in sweet nothing that she's content to just stay soft and not have to push herself harder to constantly do more. sis it's not about having some huge pop Thing that's on the trending list for weeks; her having fun with a concept and baring more of her deepest thoughts and dreams to us should be and is enough

[sevicia]

I got really mad about this 👆 exchange and then went on a rant with 18393 tangents and it doesn't even make sense

I HATE when ppl do this like OK. Context: this is a video of a girl just like, doing her makeup, and the first comment goes like "she's my type" (not a direct translation but u get it etc) and the last comment in the screenshot goes "they're the ones that will traumatize you the most! from experience!" (also not direct translation sorry)

shut UUUUUP SHUT UP SHUT UP I hate people like this so bad esp. when it's about girls cause it feels like girls literally cannot fucking win like OK a girl likes Sanrio stuff! so cute forever! and then some fucking idiot goes "she's probably mentally ill or some shit" like who ISN'T mentally ill in this day and age ?! It's literally normal to seek comfort in cutesy stuff when you're in a bad place mentally because that's what it's FOR !!!

or when a girl like dresses in more revealing clothes like OK she likes to look sexy she enjoys feeling attractive yk good for her !!! and then the two most common reactions are like "she's obviously a slut" (common douchebag logic) OR "she's obviously trying to get attention from men / provoking them" (incel-y logic) AND THE WORST PART IS THAT BOTH TYPES OF GUYS WANNA FUCK HER!!!!!!! And they still judge her so bad come ONNNNN

LIKE no matter what a girl does, a lot of guys will always have something negative and dehumanizing to say about her and then they're like "WAHHH why do no girls want me, why do all my girlfriends leave me, why why why" BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE THEM AS PEOPLE ‼️‼️

IDK something about fitting girls specifically into boxes feels so so wrong because it's Literally always been like this, like "this girl is ONLY this and nothing else about her matters", whereas with guys it obviously happens too like the "fitting into boxes" thing, but it's different because guys have never been denied jobs or opportunities or relationships or BASIC FUCKING RESPECT based on said boxes IN FACT people will OVERLOOK most flaws a guy can have with excuses like "just how guys are" "he's too young" "he can learn to be better" ET FUCKING CETERA and NEVER extend that same attitude towards women ⁉️⁉️⁉️ DIE

I feel like it sounds shallow (?) coming from a guy but it genuinely pisses me off SO BAD like hearing stories from my friends, the women in my family, girls online, all about men who have been violent or creepy or just shitty in general to them and them having to just fucking shrug it off and continue to deal with it every single day of their lives because even if everyone's like "ugh the feminists are taking over" truth is that it's still the same for many, MANY people all around the world but now that it's not socially acceptable to be a violent misogynist, the violent misogynists who want to maintain their image will just be less loud about it!!!

This might be kinda weird of me to say but I'm like, glad that I'm not a cis guy because I HAVE experienced life as a girl in a lot of ways so I kinda know how it feels (even though I haven't had many shitty experiences with men myself due to the way I live) and while that obviously doesn't mean I can't ever be misogynistic, it feels like I'm a lot more conscious about things that cis guys don't even think twice about and it's not even BIG things, it's stuff like listening to what girls say and by that I mean like, literally physically listening, because some of the grown ass men in my family will interrupt women AS THEY ARE SPEAKING, or just straight up LEAVE in the middle of a conversation !?!!! Like it's SO EASY to just not be a shitty person.... ?! It's basic decency and it's crazy how they ONLY do this to women and will gladly sit and listen to other men speak.

Sorry this post is a mile long I just get really fucking mad about this and AGAIN I feel like I sound like those guys that are like "I'm such a feminist you should totally date me because I respect women did I mention I'm a feminist" but truth is all I do is listen to the girls & women I know and become pissed off in their behalf like I don't even know what to DO about it except support them and try to show them how much I love them I love my friends and my sister and my mom so much!!!!! but I can't just blast all the shitty men in their lives from existence!!!!!! I forgor where I was going with this or if I was ever going anywhere at all in the first place T_T

[shrlke]

SINCE WHEN IS MHA ON NETFLIX??????????

[child-ofdust]

i should make a chart of which f/os would not understand the disorder part of sleep disorder and insistently try to fix my sleep schedule & which ones would just insist on sleeping w me / try to work around it

[inun4ki]

"I can see you struggling. Take your time. I'm listening." //Yanna

for muses who can't open up

They'd been sitting on a park bench for what'd felt like hours - talking, as if anything Kaede'd had to say had mattered. Maybe it was merely Yanna's nature to listen, to participate, to sit beside him and know something was wrong - she was good like that, maybe better than he deserved. Makeshift family, the closest thing he had to a grandmother that might've loved him once, found by chance circumstance long after the damage had been done and the dust had settled. There would be no repairing what's broken, burying the truth, ignoring the pain, pretending, hiding, sneaking, lying--

He owed her an explanation, he owed her something. Surely, Yanna could only take so much of his reckless abandon in combat, his incessant and inevitable self-mutilation as necessary and extra curricularly, his occasional blackouts and failing memory, crude and vulgar malcontent, flashbacks, anxiety--

What would she think of him, if he told her...? Would she still fight alongside him? Would she trust him to protect her as she protects him? Or would her opinion of him change, morph from the almost-tender and pleasant into paranoia, judgment, and uncomfortable tension that crackles and burns? Would she think him weak and foolish, clawing at himself to distract himself from his responsibilities and the pain he'd caused? Would she think him a coward...? Fingertips nervously tugged through long violet strands, catching on too many tangles at a time - he yanked his fingers through. Again, and again, silently drifting further and further into the agonizing cess pool poisoning his mind. He didn't want her to point all the same fingers at him as Kurai - he didn't want her to think he'd have been better off dead, too, that everything would be fine and everyone would still be alive if he'd never taken his first breath. He didn't want her to see his shame, his inaction, his cowardice. He didn't want her as the frightened and inept child he really was. He couldn't bear it. The idea of it alone caused his chest to tighten, his throat to sorely close, his body already screaming in its preparation to run.

But he owed her. He owed her something.

Gnawing on his lower lip, head bowed, gaze affixed to dirt and the sparse tuft of grass just beginning to peek through it, he made himself smaller. Shoulders sloped forward, thighs and calves firmly pressed together, spine slouching...with his hair to hide every bit of his face as his toes curled into the dirt. But his breaths caught on the knot in his throat and his teeth chattered, fear sparking into a roaring flame that burned and burned and burned in the pit of his stomach. Ripping the band-aid off and telling her was all he could do, and no matter how kind and gentle to him she'd been, she expected an answer... Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't he trust in turn, trust that he might be held with warmth and care and understanding and acceptance and-- Why couldn't he let it go?

He swallowed again, trying his damnedest to maintain any semblance of stoic composure, fingers shifting from his hair to the fabric concealing his wrists and picking at the seams, but he was failing - and he'd no choice anyway.

"T-twenty years ago," he rasped shakily, words like ash in his mouth. "Twenty years ago, there was... a massacre. Over sixty members of my clan were slaughtered and fed upon by curses and I...I watched them. I hid under the dining room table and cried, watching as my cousins were taken one by one and killed by my grandfather. I was stronger than they all were - I didn't know how to wield it, but still, I was stronger than them. I could've-should've done something, but I let them die... My grandfather was also killed, by the time the bloodshed had come to an end. He'd brought those curses into the estate and unleashed them upon us all, and no one knew why - but that was my fault too. He was already showing signs of severe mental instability, but the facilitation of my birth sent him spiraling. I only fanned the flames of his paranoia, the terror he already had that one day, he'd be usurped and any threats to his hold over the family must be dealt with. He planned to use me as a vessel in some desperate vie, to take my strength for his own, and in the midst of enacting this plan, the curses he'd aligned with turned on him and ripped him limb from limb. He left...a journal, outlining his plan in great detail. I found it hidden beneath the estate one night when I'd been punished for covering for Aoi and Terin again, tucked under the straw and floorboards in the cell - where no one else could possibly find it or bother to go looking."

He couldn't stand being vulnerable like this, couldn't stand talking about his family history, being seen, heard, known for even a moment. He wanted to trust her. Wanted to believe this would be okay. It was far too late to back out now. His heart and stomach lurched in tandem, his ears beginning to ring.

Please don't change your mind... Please don't turn your back on me.

His thoughts were beginning to get to him, a childlike urge to crumple and cry washing over him. The longer he dragged this out, the more pathetic and miniscule he felt, the more cowardly and weak. Kurai would've turned him away, and Aoi vowed never to speak to him again after Terin's death... They blamed him for it all, and rightfully so. Had he been able to do something, he could've used their techniques to exorcise the curses quickly and no one would've had to die... Had he not been born, Taisho would've been dealt with sooner. Terin would still be alive. Mom, too...

"I took the journal to my father - everyone deserved to know the truth behind what my grandfather was planning. I thought it would be closure for them, to finally have a real explanation... I even thought the same for myself. I didn't realize, at the time, that I was handing them my own confession. Everything begins with Taisho, but ends with me. I may as well have killed them all myself. I've no right to sit beside you now, when there's so much blood on my hands, because it's not just them I'm responsible for but countless others... People who were simply doing what they needed to in order to survive among curses and killers and the other perils of every day life, working to achieve their dreams no matter how benign or totally fucked-- I'm just as guilty. I fight to redeem myself, but I can't wash away the stains. Yet, even-even so... I don't want you to think of me as any lesser. I don't want you to see me as the sort of person who would condemn his family to death through inaction and cowardice."