#and also not something you should be encouraging in trans guys.

[sevicia]

I got really mad about this 👆 exchange and then went on a rant with 18393 tangents and it doesn't even make sense

I HATE when ppl do this like OK. Context: this is a video of a girl just like, doing her makeup, and the first comment goes like "she's my type" (not a direct translation but u get it etc) and the last comment in the screenshot goes "they're the ones that will traumatize you the most! from experience!" (also not direct translation sorry)

shut UUUUUP SHUT UP SHUT UP I hate people like this so bad esp. when it's about girls cause it feels like girls literally cannot fucking win like OK a girl likes Sanrio stuff! so cute forever! and then some fucking idiot goes "she's probably mentally ill or some shit" like who ISN'T mentally ill in this day and age ?! It's literally normal to seek comfort in cutesy stuff when you're in a bad place mentally because that's what it's FOR !!!

or when a girl like dresses in more revealing clothes like OK she likes to look sexy she enjoys feeling attractive yk good for her !!! and then the two most common reactions are like "she's obviously a slut" (common douchebag logic) OR "she's obviously trying to get attention from men / provoking them" (incel-y logic) AND THE WORST PART IS THAT BOTH TYPES OF GUYS WANNA FUCK HER!!!!!!! And they still judge her so bad come ONNNNN

LIKE no matter what a girl does, a lot of guys will always have something negative and dehumanizing to say about her and then they're like "WAHHH why do no girls want me, why do all my girlfriends leave me, why why why" BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE THEM AS PEOPLE ‼️‼️

IDK something about fitting girls specifically into boxes feels so so wrong because it's Literally always been like this, like "this girl is ONLY this and nothing else about her matters", whereas with guys it obviously happens too like the "fitting into boxes" thing, but it's different because guys have never been denied jobs or opportunities or relationships or BASIC FUCKING RESPECT based on said boxes IN FACT people will OVERLOOK most flaws a guy can have with excuses like "just how guys are" "he's too young" "he can learn to be better" ET FUCKING CETERA and NEVER extend that same attitude towards women ⁉️⁉️⁉️ DIE

I feel like it sounds shallow (?) coming from a guy but it genuinely pisses me off SO BAD like hearing stories from my friends, the women in my family, girls online, all about men who have been violent or creepy or just shitty in general to them and them having to just fucking shrug it off and continue to deal with it every single day of their lives because even if everyone's like "ugh the feminists are taking over" truth is that it's still the same for many, MANY people all around the world but now that it's not socially acceptable to be a violent misogynist, the violent misogynists who want to maintain their image will just be less loud about it!!!

This might be kinda weird of me to say but I'm like, glad that I'm not a cis guy because I HAVE experienced life as a girl in a lot of ways so I kinda know how it feels (even though I haven't had many shitty experiences with men myself due to the way I live) and while that obviously doesn't mean I can't ever be misogynistic, it feels like I'm a lot more conscious about things that cis guys don't even think twice about and it's not even BIG things, it's stuff like listening to what girls say and by that I mean like, literally physically listening, because some of the grown ass men in my family will interrupt women AS THEY ARE SPEAKING, or just straight up LEAVE in the middle of a conversation !?!!! Like it's SO EASY to just not be a shitty person.... ?! It's basic decency and it's crazy how they ONLY do this to women and will gladly sit and listen to other men speak.

Sorry this post is a mile long I just get really fucking mad about this and AGAIN I feel like I sound like those guys that are like "I'm such a feminist you should totally date me because I respect women did I mention I'm a feminist" but truth is all I do is listen to the girls & women I know and become pissed off in their behalf like I don't even know what to DO about it except support them and try to show them how much I love them I love my friends and my sister and my mom so much!!!!! but I can't just blast all the shitty men in their lives from existence!!!!!! I forgor where I was going with this or if I was ever going anywhere at all in the first place T_T

[kitsune-pop]

I love how much of warhammer 40k is clearly a bunch of white dudes sitting around, thinking up the worst shit imaginable and going "thank god that could never happen to me, the cishet white guy"

angron is a one for one depiction of slavery, yet is painted as the bad guy for wanting to stand against oppression

mortarion is disabled and constantly has his decisions taken away from him by able bodied people only to be seen as moody and uncooperative

magnus is gay or trans or both. literally a guy blamed for something he was born with that he cannot control and told you're bad if you explore this part of yourself. also you're illegal now

fulgrim was actively encouraged to pursue perfection, despite never being good enough for others. he pushed any personal pleasure aside for an uncaring crusade and then is demonized for saying "fuck it, I'll have fun"

lorgar. also known as "this is why you don't abuse your kids"

horus is the golden child who's sent out into the world by himself only to find out Gee, Maybe I'm Not Ready because good ol dad did everything for him then told him "figure it out lol"

alpharius omegon are the autistic kids who don't understand why pops is doing this, maybe we should do things a little different than "blood soaked crusade"

perturabo is the burnout middle kid who did everything to impress his father only to be told "that's what's expected of you" who then got mad since acting out was the only way he got attention

konrad curze has a mental disorder. and is abused because of it

all of these characters were so close to being some of the best representation for minorities we could get in media only for gw to eat shit right at the finish line because they can't commit to an actual story. and it's amazing just how little these writers understand that the things they depict are all real things that people suffer through every day, and are demonized for every single day, especially when we are told these characters are irredeemable and should be destroyed, no questions asked

[gin-juice-tonic]

My younger sibling came out to me as a trans guy. The problem is that our family isn’t supportive at all, so he only has me at this point. Everything I’ve always wanted for him is to be happy, so I’m determined to support him no matter what. Maybe you could give me an advice on how I can do it? Is there something I should know specifically? Sorry, I just don’t want to mess everything up and make him feel uncomfortable. Thank you in advance for the answer.

I think the best thing you can do when you're in a household that's not supportive is be a safe person to talk to, and someone who's presence can remind him he's not alone.

I don't know how your sibling is, so I don't know if he'd be embarrassed to talk to you or not, but just remind him he can talk to you about the things he's feeling. Maybe offer to go shopping with him if he wants to buy more masculine clothing (I dont know your gender, but everything is easier if you have someone you trust by your side). Or go to the library with him if he wants to look for books by trans authors and the like. If you live somewhere that has trans or queer events you can offer to go with him. If not, you can just try encouraging him to hang out with you other places than home. Somewhere where it would be safer to talk freely or for him to test out identity related things like being called different names or pronouns. Basically if he wants to try things, remind him he doesn't have to try alone.

If you're worried about making him uncomfortable, just remember to be letting him take the lead on things. Sometimes people want to go slow with their family, sometimes they want to go fast. Try not to push him if he's not entirely ready to talk about certain things or have you think of him a certain way yet (like if he's not ready to try a new name or for you to call him brother. Again, you'd know better than I would what he's already told you of course). Encouragement is always okay! Just remember to toe the line between encouraging and pushing.

One thing I don't know: is your household not supportive in that he's told them all and they reject him? Or does he know they'll reject him so he's only told you? If there's any secrets involved, do your best to keep them and don't accidentally out him. If there are situations where he'd prefer being mis-gendered by you, listen to what he would like you to do. (This goes for at home but also in public or when talking about him to other people).

At the end of the day just by virtue of him knowing that you support him, you are doing a world of good for him already. I think you're going to do fine.

If anyone else has any advice they can comment or reblog.

[goodluckclove]

Some Loose Thoughts on Queer Rep (Specifically Aspec Rep)

(Just in advance I'm going to dunk on Alastor from Hazbin Hotel like a lil' bit, as a treat. Mainly the team that made him and what he represents, but still. If that's rage bait for you, I suggest maybe dipping out now)

I have a theory that queer media needs both queer characters and queer genre characters. The difference is very important.

I think a queer character would be a character in a story about their queerness. For some reason the only two characters I could think of are the guy from Love, Simon (What was his name again?) and the protagonist from Rubyfruit Jungle, which should express the weird and complicated relationship I have with this particular archetype.

Queer stories centered around queerness are definitely needed, but at the same time I feel like we're just starting to come to terms with the desperate need for the alternative, which are queer characters in genre media that contain overarching plots larger than their sexuality. Not separate, necessarily (Their queerness certainly influences things), but just beyond. This is more accessible for a variety of artists, which is also the reason why it can be a flop or a massive success.

We get more of this than ever for gay and sapphic characters, as well as some trans folks and occasionally non-binary. It's definitely way less seen in aspec characters, and even less respected. I started thinking this way because the internet is flooded with references to fucking Alastor from Hazbin Hotel as an aroace character and - like - god, I don't get it.

Like you can have your serial killer comfort character, that's fine. But latching onto him as representation for the entire aspec community when he was only confirmed to be aroace through a reference in a livestream and the weakest joke onscreen is pretty disheartening. It definitely reads like this part of his identity was added pretty late in his character development, and by a team of people that didn't seem to consider what the response and reaction would be and how they'd handle it.

I also wish the newest aspec icon in media wasn't created by a team so adamant on encouraging shipping culture above actually respecting the identity they've decided to provide representation for. Like I see it means a lot to people to have an aroace character doing something cool in a fun TV show that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their identity. Then there's like four other people right behind that person who really wants that person to be romantic and fuck.

And like, yeah, aroace people can do that sometimes. It's a spectrum, I know. But can't we start with a baseline representation before providing proof of fluidity?

I just think we deserve better. Like a character who in the media is established to be aspec, and people are like "great" and move on to fight robots or do magic or whatever. And the person can be morally grey, or even a total dick, but like I'd personally prefer something with a little more depth than Hot Topic genericism.

Like don't get me wrong, I'll take some sort of eldritch horror as my representation, but...make him at all horrifying? Like everyone talks about how he has Eldritch powers, which I know to mean unfathomable and maddening. But I've seen everything he does in the canon of the show and it is both incredibly fathomable and makes me feel normal and sane. Yog-Sothoth this man is not.

But yeah, I don't think there's a solution here besides more aspec artists creating aspec characters in their work. That way people can still like Alastor if they want, but he's not like the only viable option in terms of representation in the media. Let me see lovingly-crafted cool guys and dipshits and chaos goblins and little babies and True Horrors, all of whom have varying degrees of distaste or indifference towards sex and romance.

Do it. We need it. Please.

[thorne1435]

(1st off, i am a trans man) personally, it makes me slightly uncomfortable when other trans men center their own experiences. don’t get me wrong, we have a right to talk about our issues, but i can’t help but feel like there’s a victim complex going on when some guys say that TERFs are “just as dangerous” to trans men or that baeddelism is a relevant issue (while brushing the misogyny and toxic masculinity in the ftm community under the rug). the fact that you made a post about trans unity and the first ask you got was about how trans men aren’t supported enough by trans women? but like, is that true? is it not ALSO an issue that trans women aren’t supported enough by trans men?

Okay, I hear you, and I acknowledge that I (unfortunately) have fairly limited experience with trans men but I don't know if I like the idea of discounting what they have to say as "a victim complex."

They just want to be heard. And I think they have a right to be upset, given how little representation trans men are given in media. I never saw any discussions on transmasc issues until I came to Tumblr. Never saw it on YouTube or Reddit. Online leftist circles--and even online trans circles!--don't talk about trans men! So, y'know what? If they're being a little melodramatic about their issues, maybe it'll off-set the lack of any knowledge of their issues in the first place.

And also, I think toxic masculinity and misogyny are sort of part of being a man, right now? Which certainly isn't to say it's inherent to men, but society does encourage it. That's what I think should change about being a man. This goes back to societal misandry, I think. Toxic Masculinity is just a manifestation of societal forces that encourage men to behave in unhuman ways, and I think it would be immature of me to expect trans men to perfectly avoid that, in their pursuit of masculinity.

Gender is a performance. We are all looking for the role that makes us most comfortable, but the baggage attached to the roles isn't something you can side-step so easily. Cis people have an advantage on this front, in that they are capable of proving their masculinity or femininity via means other than pure performance. Society *expects* them to be men or women and that means they can gesticulate towards genitalia whenever they're called into question. (They don't always do that, and it's sort of transphobic when they do, but the ones who are comfortable with themselves might say something like that, all the same)

A trans man will uphold toxic masculinity the same way that a trans woman will submit herself to misogyny: it is in pursuit of the perfect encapsulation of the role. Unless we feel like we adequately perform the role inherently, we are inclined to tolerate--and ergo embody, to an extent--the negativity present in the roles we desire.

I believe that lowering the standards for who can be seen as valid in masculinity will alleviate quite a bit of misogyny, whether that misogyny be among transmascs or cis men. So, in saying that, I hope I also illustrate why I'm quick to jump to their defense while also tacking on my ideas about societal misandry and its toll on men.

On the subject of whether or not transfems actually don't support transmascs...I guess I wouldn't really know. I'm not in trans communities because I don't live in a place where that kind of community could show up. I imagine this problem is being blown out of proportion a little bit, but the ask I think you're talking about did say that it was sort of a Tumblr thing? And internet discourse is just...fuckin...so unbelievably shitty. So I'm not too worried about it.

I mean, I'm not going to immediately assume any transfem I meet is inherently misandristic or otherwise bigoted towards transmascs, but I'm still gonna go to bat for transmascs if they get shit-talked, y'know?

[genderkoolaid]

hi! your blog's been encouraging to me as a trans guy, but i've recently felt that i should no longer call myself that/should just "go back to" being a girl, and idk if my train of thought makes any sense...so i just wanted to ask someone w more experience (but feel free to ignore this rant/call me out if im not making sense btw)

so yeah, my cousin's been out to me as a (binary) trans man for a few years now, and in trying to find understanding, i came out to him a few months later, but got a very flat/kinda disgusted reaction. despite my consistent support for him over the years, he has continued to "joke" about my looks/short hair and dismisses any attempts at serious conversations or even just jokes about gender/being a guy too. he also calls me things ive told him makes me uncomfortable (gender-wise) and then acts like it means nothing. he generally brushes me off by telling me to stop trying to compare myself to him, and is either prickly about it or just in-your-face "idgaf what you're talking about and i'm tired of you." it barely hurts me anymore, but ive felt connected to trans-ness for so many years (longer than id even known he was too) and his reaction to this part of me has honestly made me wonder if i'm just making it up/am trying too hard or something,,,like maybe i'm just trying to cover for being a gross 20-somethings woman ?? idk ?

i'm probably just being over-sensitive, and i dont feel it's outright malicious or anything (maybe he just doesn't think/care about it as much as me?), but i have nobody else to ask (no irl friends/people im out to) and i'm currently renting/living with him, which has brought these worries to the forefront. thanks if youve read this far, but please don't feel pressured to respond!

Your cousin sounds like he has a lot of internalized transphobia he's directing at you. Unfortunately there are trans people who try to prop themselves up and make themselves feel more confident in their transness by tearing down others. You are not being over-sensitive, and regardless of what he thinks he's doing, he's actively being cruel to you. You are well within your rights to be hurt by his actions. Living with someone who is constantly being transphobic to you is traumatizing- detransitioning can be a coping method for those who have to constantly defend themselves from transphobic abuse.

If its possible, I would recommend trying to see if there are any queer orgs in your area you could connect with (physically or online). At the least, you may find some people who can give you emotional support, and they also may be able to find you a better living situation. Even if that's not possible right now, keep reminding yourself that his behavior is cruel and you are allowed to be upset about it. You do not need to take any of his opinions on your gender seriously. You are not making up your transness or trying too hard. You are not over-sensitive, you are being hurt.

[izzyspussy]

Rating Ted Lasso Characters Based On If They'd Respect My Pronouns (Correctly)

Roy "We Stayed At GAY Til 3AM And Then We Had Crepes With Some Drag Queens" Kent: 11/10 no fucking shit. He would defend me from misgendering also, even if we weren't friends. He's the very embodiment of that guy who fought the trans guy and then fought the authority figure who scolded him for hitting a girl.

Nate "Genius (Code for Autistic)" Shelley: 11/10 are you kidding. If only quarantine had happened in his universe he'd have pronouns too. Also his girlfriend obviously already does.

Jamie "Prettyboy" Tartt: 11/10 duh. No, he doesn't know off the top of his head what part of speech a pronoun is, but only because nothing in the universe could matter less. And much like Roy, if he saw someone else being contrarian for the purposes of being a prick for absolutely no earthly reason, he would be eager to do something about it.

Keeley "Just The Tip" Jones: 11/10 did you see her. Never have I personally received more solidarity than from (butches and) full tilt Barbie Girl femmes like Keeley. She may be cis and she wears "women's" clothes, but she's still doing drag every day. She gets it.

Colin "Right by This Pink Triangle?" Hughes: 11/10 obviously. He would be so good at not making a big deal out of doing it correctly himself or correcting others, because he knows what it's like to just want to live your authentic life without being a spectacle.

Coach "You Should See Him In Drag" Beard: 11/10 which you should've guessed. Look at him. Look at him with your heart. You know he has pronouns you've never even heard of that he takes out for special occasions.

Ted "We Don't Not Care" Lasso: 11/10 why is this even a question. Practically the entirety of Ted's goals in life are to be respectful and kind and help others do the same. Sometimes that's hard and he fucks it up, but this is easy. C'mon.

Sam "Social Justice Warrior" Obisanya: 11/10 like. Obviously. I have nothing else to say, like. Obviously. Obviously.

Bumber-"Impending Class War"-catch: 11/10. If anything, given the opportunity, he would encourage me to have more pronouns.

Dani "Joy" Rojas: 11/10. These are getting very simple now, and require less and less explanation. He promotes joy. What else do you want.

Rebecca "Ask Your Daughter What It Means" Welton: 11/10. She's a cutthroat and a genuine feminist. She doesn't care if a bunch of freaks are scared of strangers' genitals, and she's certainly not going to let something so petty get in her own way.

Jan "I've Run Out of Fun Epithets For Everyone And He Wouldn't Mind This Unfun One That's Blunt About That Fact" Maas: 11/10 of course. There's no logical, moral, or social reason not to, and there is a wealth of evidence supporting gender affirming behavior.

Isaac McAdoo: 11/10. And he would (unnecessarily) instruct all the other lads to do it too. He might struggle with it at first if we had known each other previous to my transition, but not out of malice or negligence, and once he got on track he'd stay there for life.

Leslie Higgins: 11/10. He's a jazz musician with ten thousand gen Z children. He knows at least as many trans people already as any natural member of the queer community.

The Rest of The Lads: 11/10. We all know this to be true. Next.

Georgie Tartt: 11/10. Have you seen her son. She's prepared for this.

Sharon Fieldstone: 11/10. Have you seen her do her job. She's good at it.

Dottie Lasso: 9/10. Her heart's in the right place and that matters! She is inescapably Midwestern in both the good ways and the bad ways, though.

Jake: 8/10. Have you seen him do his job. He's bad at it.

Rupert Mannion: 6/10. He's a trans inclusive misogynist lmao. He also will treat correct pronoun usage as a privilege if he gets butthurt enough.

James Tartt: 3/10. He'd respect a trans man who performed masculinity to his standards, but he is definitely afraid of girlymen and women who are better than him (most women).

[nerdygaymormon]

Bishops Council

In my stake, twice a quarter the bishops get together with the stake presidency. I typically do not attend this meeting, but stake president invited me to come since one of the bishops had added "counsel with LGBT youth" as an agenda item.

The stake president has a gay son and is fully capable of speaking to this, but I appreciate that he wanted to include the point of view of someone who is queer.

When we got to this topic, the stake president shared a few slides I had sent him earlier based on some research done at Utah State University.

The stake president then spoke about things he has learned as the dad of a gay child. Primarily that it is his job to love, and his son is going to have his own journey. The things he has learned as the parent of a queer child has helped him be a better stake president.

One of the bishops shared that when he was newly called three years ago that I sent him an email with 10 suggestions. He keeps that email bookmarked and has referred to it several times over the years. It helped him understand his role and that he could be confident in meeting with queer individuals and help them feel seen, loved, and valued. Then he read the list while wiping away tears, and I also was moved to tears to hear him share how impactful these suggestions were for him

David's list of 10 suggestions for bishops

All LGBT members need a trusted adult in their life who loves, supports and sustains them, no matter which path they choose.

When someone “comes out” they should be greeted with love, validation and hope, not a lecture on repentance or reminder of the Church’s stance on same-sex marriage  

Create a safe culture for the LGBT person. This could include speaking to youth and YSA about what sort of conversation their bishop would have with them if they come out, that it’s okay if now is not the right time to come out, and there is no shame to the person or their family if they are gay/trans. There's a good chance there's some LGBT people in your ward, even if you don't know who they are.

Don’t use words like “struggling” or say they’ll be “fixed” in the resurrection

Our Heavenly Parents love their LGBT children, we should give them unconditional love and support and recognize they will bless the lives of others

LGBT individuals are more likely to be the victims of bullying and violence than any other minority group in the USA. Be on the lookout for youth or young adults who may be doing & saying unkind things.  

Know the signs of suicide and depression. LGBT people are at much higher risk. It’d be a good idea for youth leaders to have some training in this.

Encourage them to pray and ask if God loves them as they are 

Especially before or after lessons about marriage, say something like “I know there are people in this ward who cannot be married because of same-sex attraction or other reasons. I love you, and the Lord has a plan for you.”

Know that studies show that being active in the LDS church is often detrimental to the mental health and quality of life for LGBT people. For a person’s well-being, they may decide they need a break. Make sure they know they’re welcome to come back.

I then blurted out, "I'm gay, just in case anyone didn't know." A counselor in the stake presidency said, "Duh, we all know you're a happy guy."

Another bishop shared that he has a child who recently came out as trans and is in their first semester of college. This child hasn't fully discussed this with the family but is using this time away to experiment with what feels right to them. He loves this child and wants them to be their best and to be comfortable with themselves and it's taking some adjustments for him to understand and change his dreams for them.

Then my bishop shared that I had given him the same 10 suggestions when he was first called and he feels it has helped him be successful as a bishop to queer youth. He shared an incident that happened recently which involved a young women leader overhearing part of a conversation between two teens. He didn't share the specifics of the discussion other than it was about being gay. The leader was uncomfortable with what she heard and spoke about it at ward council.

Another bishop commented, "Oh yes, ward council, that's the right place to discuss that" as he rolled his eyes.

The stake president said a better approach would've been for the leader to ask the girls to share more with her, to be open to a conversation with them, rather than run to the ward council to share how shocked and uncomfortable she was.

I thought it was a good discussion even though I wound up saying very little. I had prepared some thoughts ahead of time that I could use as reference, and I sent them by email to the bishops (see below).

————————————————————

There are queer individuals who attend our congregations, many of whom aren't out to everyone, and so you speak to queer people even if you don't know who they are.

We are children of God, we deserve to hear good news, to have hope, to feel loved. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen often enough in church settings. People who interacted with Christ left feeling uplifted and that would be a good goal for us.

In 2019, the former stake president said this in Bishops' Council: LGBT individuals are some of the most patient people you’ll ever meet. They’ve heard more hurtful words than most any of us will hear in our entire lifetime. That doesn’t mean they’re immune to the words. There are LGBT members who come to church and they deserve to hear good words, to be welcomed and loved and be strengthened in the gospel.

Handbook 38.6.15 The Church encourages families and members to reach out with sensitivity, love, and respect to persons who are attracted to others of the same sex. The Church also promotes understanding in society at large that reflects its teachings about kindness, inclusiveness, love for others, and respect for all human beings.

Handbook 38.6.23 Transgender individuals face complex challenges. Members and nonmembers who identify as transgender—and their family and friends—should be treated with sensitivity, kindness, compassion, and an abundance of Christlike love. All are welcome to attend sacrament meeting, other Sunday meetings, and social events of the Church

When my bishop was first called, a member of the ward asked me if I thought the new bishop would be safe to meet with and share his orientation. I sent the bishop an email to find out and received this beautiful response:

David, Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope that the Spirit can guide me to treat LBGTQ members and investigators with love and respect. I’m not sure what your journey has been, but I would guess that it has included anguish, heartbreak and innumerable unintentional and even some intentional wounds. As far as I am aware, I am the only person called to be a judge in the ward, and I believe that office is to help everyone come to Christ, not send any away. I may not fully appreciate how or which traditions and traditional phrases may carry messages of exclusion, but I am open to learning a better way. I hope that I can “make the pathway bright” for LBGTQ members and friends. In hope, Bishop

One of the scariest parts of coming out is not knowing how the other person will respond. The previous stake president at a youth fireside shared how he would react if a person met with him and shared that they are LGBTQ.

I would thank you for trusting me enough to share this with me.

If you're willing, I'd like for you to share with me some about your journey up to this point.

I would offer to give you a blessing.

Regardless of whether you accepted or declined the offer of a blessing, I'm a hugger so I'd ask if I can give you a hug.

I'd invite you to come see me again when you want to talk some more.

Questions many LGBTQ+ members would welcome from their church leaders (these come from the fourth option)

What does being LGBTQIA+ mean for you at this time?

What has been difficult about being an LGBTQIA+ member of the church? What's been fulfilling?

What do you want your future to look like?

What do you believe or want to believe?

What revelation have you received, if any, about your path in life?

What's on your mind related to your sexuality or gender identity and faith?

How has being queer influenced your relationship with Christ?

How can we best support you?

Do you feel safe in our congregation? What can we do to make it safer?

Has anyone said or done anything to make you feel unwanted in the ward?

From what you've observed so far, how can we improve as a ward?

How would you like to be involved in the ward?

What callings would you feel comfortable with?

What skills would you like to use to contribute to our ward? 

What else would you like me to know?

Things ward & stake leaders can do (also from the fourth option)

Pray for guidance on how to make your ward safer and more inclusive for LGBTQIA+ members (out or not)

Call LGBTQIA+ members to callings in a range of auxiliaries

Invite LGBTQIA+ members to share their experiences in fifth Sunday lessons, firesides, ward councils meetings, etc

Encourage your stake to call an LGBTQ fellowship coordinator

Speak to LGBTQIA+ members over the pulpit and in lessons (move away from the "use vs. them" mentality; show that we're part of every ward, out or not)

Include LGBTQIA+ members in discussions about ministering and and outreach

Regularly check in with us to see if anyone is making us feel unsafe

Get to know us personally

Wear a rainbow pin or similar thing to indicate that you're an ally

Speak in support of LGBTQIA+ people and help others remember that we are children of God

Ask your ward or stake to start a support group for LGBTQIA+ members, families, and allies (volunteer to help if possible)

Pray for guidance on how to best minister to LGBTQIA+ individuals in your ward

Pray for God to reveal more about His plan for His LGBTQIA+ children

Correct people when they say uninformed or hateful things

Listen to our stories, sit in our pain, celebrate our joy

Studies show that on average gay men (and I suspect this is true of queer people in general) are more creative, have higher IQ’s and higher emotional intelligence, have more compassion and are more cooperative and have less hostility. Of course someone with these qualities is going to bless the lives around them.

We have a stake group for LGBTQ members, and their family, friends and allies, which meets about every other month. For more information, contact me.

[peggy-sue-reads-a-book]

How To Be a Safe Person to Menstruate With

You can be private without expressing disgust. Just step away politely or be honest that you are embarrassed. Neither of these choices shames women.

The reverse is also true. Like I said, just because someone doesn’t want to talk doesn’t mean they’re lame and ashamed.

Compliment girls wearing on their self-expression like red jewelry or watering a Venus flytrap with their menstrual cups.

There are lots of sustainable products now but accessibility is not equal. Not everyone has the water resources to wash reusable products so don’t get preachy.

If you shit on someone else’s choice of birth control, by God I will come for you.

Vote to protect birth control

Do not tell someone they’re gross for using pads and cups that require washing.

If you have found a trustworthy gynecologist, spread the word

If a woman tells you she feels ill, in pain, or like something is wrong believe her

Do not tell her to lose weight or consider therapy. If you do, I will hit you with a fish.

Take hormonal diseases seriously

When someone tells you she has endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, cancer, or PCOS, do not come at her with medical expertise you suddenly think you have.

Offer to buy pads and tampons but make sure to ask what kind — some have allergens.

You can always get someone a glass of water.

If it’s a trans guy you’re talking with, validate his body without treating him like one of the girls. If you don’t know how, just ask.

Do not try to guess if someone is on their period. That’s rude.

I have an alpha period. If we hang out, you will sync to my period and we can all be unhappy together.

If you bleed monthly and are talking to a woman who doesn’t, you aren’t better than her. You define your period. She can define hers.

If someone is confused because she started her period and got a positive pregnancy test, take her to the hospital and defend her with your life. She is miscarrying and needs an ultrasound. If a doctor dismisses her as just having a difficult period, make ape noises and then threaten him with arson.

If after all this you are still angry, DM me his name and I will personally come for revenge. I am pregnant and very powerful.

For that matter, my husband will sort him out for you.

Take black women seriously. Respect that WOC face medical discrimination and gaslighting on the daily.

Advil is valid. Homeopathics are valid. Do not assail your friend with essential oils when she’s asked for a Midol.

If your friend shares some concerning symptoms with you, do not freak her out with an armchair diagnosis.

But you should definitely validate her pain and encourage her to get help. Or even help her get help. Throw her in the car and personally drive her to the doctor.

If your friend confides in you that she has an STI or you are able to guess that she has an STI, be nice to her because if you don’t I will find you and I will yeet you away into the night like Batman.

Educate yourself about periods. Learn the correct anatomical words.

And for God’s sake, you still have to wear a condom.

[batwritings]

Happy Trans awareness week! 🏳️‍⚧️

I am aware of you and myself♡

And to celebrate can we get some headcannons for Ghost, König, Soap, Keegan and whomever else you wanna include with a trans reader and how they deal with reader's body dysphoria? (If you're comfy with it ofc)

Over and out,

🍁

Happy Trans awareness week! :D I'm also aware of you as well as any other of our trans siblings reading this! Have some supportive military husbands to celebrate. I also added my two faves. Enjoy!~

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ghost: Not much for words (and not the best with them either), but absolutely the first to tell off anyone who tries to say anything negative about you or your body as you go through your transition. He's always touching or rubbing around places that he knows you can have a hatred for to show that he still loves you regardless. Ghost has a good eye for detail as well, so he's always pointing out the changes he sees. Be it facial hair growth or a change in your chest size, he'll mention it when he sees you next.

Soap: Body worship, body worship, body worship! Sweet Johnny boy is very quick to lather your body in kisses from head to toe and give you reasons why he loves every inch of you as you are. His temper can get him in trouble if he ever defends you in conversation, but it's the thought that counts. This lad also loves experimenting with the changes of sensation your body goes through, and will often use this knowledge as a distraction whenever you start to get down on yourself about your body.

König: Big guy is just a bit familiar with body dysphoria, having previously seen his height as more of a liability than an asset. The colonel is very similar to Ghost, lovingly keeping a hand on your hip or waist to show his affection when he has to be big and scary. He'll mark out with you the spots that will change, watching as your chest grows or shrinks and making note of the subtle changes he sees. König will even go as far as to research things like vocal training techniques; he knows how terrifying public speaking can be, and can empathize with wanting to sound the part you were meant to play.

Keegan: Another man who isn't the best with words, but he certainly does try and make an effort for you. Very much a do-er versus a talker, he's sooner to get revenge in subtle ways should anyone speak poorly about you. Later, in private is where he'll be a little more hands on in showing you how to love your body as it is. Keegan is also quick to remind you how the feeling won't last forever and that every day you get closer to achieving the body you want. "Baby steps babe, you'll get there." is something he tells you quite often.

BONUS!

Nikolai: Extremely good with his words! He's always complimenting you, especially on the days you're being particularly hard on yourself. Even when you catch onto that you can't be mad when his response is that he's speaking the truth and how he really feels about you. Also very down to Earth and reminds you to remain patient through the process. "Нет ху́да без добра́," he'll tell you, meaning that every cloud has a silver lining.

Alejandro: As headstrong as he can be, the colonel of the Mexican special forces is very gentle when trying to help you tackle your dysphoria. He's always there to encourage and remind you of just how masculine/feminine you are in his eyes. "Aquel que no espera vencer, ya está vencido," he'll tell you, a way of reminding you of your drive to be who you want to be, both inside and out.

[jaggedteeth]

as the u.s. tour comes to a close, i want to take a moment to talk about a phenomenon i’ve seen taking place within mcr internet fan spaces these last few months, my thoughts on it, and how i think it relates back to digital media literacy.

(before we start, i want to make it clear that i’m just some guy and i am definitely not the most qualified person to talk about this, but i think some of the things in this post really, really need to be said. my hope is not necessarily to change your mind or to “get you on my side,” but to encourage you to think critically and independently, even during your daily scroll on social media.)

————

so, what is this ominous phenomenon i’m talking about? i’m referring to some of the comments i’ve seen mcr fans make regarding gerard’s gender—specifically the public, speculative, and seemingly unironic ones that attempt to put a label or a semblance of a label on his gender nonconformity.

(i think now’s a good time to mention you should read this entire post before engaging with or commenting on it. stay with me. we’re in this together.)

here is a post that i think does a good job of explaining this a little more in-depth for anyone who’s out of the loop.

regardless of my personal opinions on all of this, i understand why it’s happening. much of mcr’s fanbase is trans and/or non-binary, and seeking out representation from familiar, comforting figures is not out of the ordinary. i don’t think anyone involved means harm, and this isn’t a callout post. i’m just adding to a discussion i think has been largely one-sided up until recently.

————

what is the point of me making this post? to put it bluntly, i disagree with how much of the discussion around gerard’s gender identity and expression is being conducted.

(again, please stay with me.)

what is it, specifically, that i disagree with? is it the celebration of gerard’s gender nonconformity? is it the possibility they might not identify, partially or wholly, with their gender assigned at birth? is it the joy their gender expression has inspired in many mcr fans?

no. it’s none of those things; not even close. i can’t even put into words how i, a gender nonconforming trans man, felt when gerard wore his cheerleader dress in nashville. it was a special moment and i was so happy to see him happy.

but something that bothers me about the “gender wars” narrative is the idea that anyone who’s not all-in is, if not an outright transphobe, someone with deep-rooted biases they need to work through. i haven’t seen this from everyone, but it’s floated around here and there.

nuance in conversations like this is incredibly important. the human experience is rarely black and white. and i believe the notion that it must be, especially when it comes to topics such as queer identity, largely stems from closed-mindedness and fear, conscious or unconscious.

i have certainly witnessed people online assert that gerard must be cis, and there’s no way he can’t be cis, implying if he ever identified as anything other than cis that would be bad and gross and weird. i strongly disagree with that viewpoint because it’s transphobic and gerard is a real person who none of us know personally who can do whatever the fuck he wants. in the same way, i disagree with the viewpoint that gerard must be trans, and there’s no way he can’t be trans, implying anyone who disagrees is a transphobe who refuses to pay attention. because gerard is a real person who none of us know personally who can do whatever the fuck he wants.

i’m aware gerard has also made comments in the past about his journey with gender identity, the connection he feels to women and femininity, and even his experimentation with drag while he was in college. he’s said he should be referred to with either he/him or they/them pronouns, he’s an earnest supporter of the trans community, and he’s historically rejected the sexist shithead rock-dude stereotype.

i’m not here to downplay any of those things, nor am i trying to invalidate anyone who has taken comfort in or identified with those things. just a couple of points i would like you to think about, though:

some cis people also question their gender identity and/or use multiple sets of pronouns for a multitude of reasons (i’m not saying gerard has to be cis, i’m just giving you an extra viewpoint to chew on);

i’ve personally met plenty of men or male-aligned people who strongly identify with women and femininity. i strongly identify with women and femininity and i’m still 100% a trans man and will throw anyone who tries to tell me otherwise directly into the sun (again, i’m not saying gerard must be a man or male-aligned);

gender nonconformity and transness are complex, nuanced topics. labels can be useful, but they are not a be-all-end-all;

and i’m going to be blunt here—assuming and/or declaring someone is transfem when they haven’t publicly referred to themselves as such, just because they are comfortable discussing their own femininity and sometimes have a feminine presentation and feminine mannerisms, is basically an upgraded form of gender essentialism and completely disregards the existence and experiences of amab cis-passing queer people and gender nonconforming people. i understand it’s a tough pill to swallow, but intent doesn’t always equal impact, and just because someone may not see it that way doesn’t mean that’s not what they’re doing.

even if gerard is transfem, he’s still a real person who has a right to privacy and autonomy, and he never has to publicly label himself if he doesn’t want to. no one is entitled to seek out the details of his identity, but least of all us, a bunch of strangers on the internet who will probably never have a full conversation with him.

not one of us is an “authority” or “expert” on gerard way or my chemical romance. we can learn about the band’s history and public personas or laugh at the funny, quirky parts of their lore or cry when we think about how far they’ve come in the public eye, but what gives us the right to dig into every tiny crevice of gerard’s work and interactions and public existence searching for “clues” as to whether or not he’s trans? what gives us the right to label his gender identity for him—a process that is incredibly personal? i know “parasocial” is basically just another hollow internet buzzword at this point, but let’s not forget the very real consequences that parasocial relationships can certainly have.

do i think it would be fucking awesome if gerard came out as trans tomorrow? absolutely. do i also think it’s fucking awesome that they’re an older gnc person? that so many queer people have discovered and accepted themselves in part because of them? that they now exude joy onstage and bravely dress and act the way they do? one million times yes. and we can celebrate those real, concrete, factual things without tinhatting, overstepping boundaries, or jumping to conclusions. if they were to come out as trans tomorrow, that wouldn’t invalidate any of my arguments or make the behavior i’m critiquing acceptable, because the point isn’t about whether or not gerard is trans, the point is about how some of mcr’s fanbase is treating them.

gerard has uplifted and respected us time and time again without even knowing us as individuals. so i want you to take a moment to sincerely reflect and ask yourself this question: where is our respect for him?

————

alright. i’m glad you’re still here. let’s talk about what can actually be done about this.

i think a lot of this problem boils down to a lack of critical thinking. yes, that’s thrown around a lot as a clapback on this website, but i don’t mean it as an insult. we’re all guilty of not thinking critically, myself included. especially in the age of the internet, it’s impossible to be perfect all the time, when we’re bombarded with information from every angle.

this is why learning about and consistently practicing media literacy is so important. it’s something i’m passionate about because i’ve seen firsthand, time and time again, how it can make or break a person and their worldview, to the point that i spent hours writing about it for my upper-level journalism courses (before i dropped out lol) and worked for two semesters as an editor for a college newspaper.

if these conversations about gerard were happening in private group chats between friends who already know one another, my opinions on the topic itself would still stand, but it wouldn’t be any of my business and i obviously wouldn’t think to write an entire post about it. but everything changes when these discussions are had on a public platform with little regard for nuance.

“misinformation,” or the unintentional spread of false information—not to be confused with disinformation, where the person spreading it knows what they’re saying isn’t true—might not be a totally accurate descriptor for some of what’s going on here, honestly. none of us can prove what gerard is thinking or feeling. but based on what we do know, what he’s publicly and concretely shared with us, i think it’s as close as we can get. a lot of the posts i’ve seen don’t read to me as “hehe funny celebrity headcanon that’s obviously just for fun.” or even “i relate to this person’s art and/or publicized experiences, but i understand i don’t know them and at least some of that is just projection.” rather, they seem to make invasive leaps and use inaccurate vocabulary while simultaneously taking themselves very, very seriously, and that concerns me more than if a random tumblr user was just trolling to start fandom drama or something.

to put things into perspective, this is why every single one of my journalism professors drilled it into my head that you have to get your news from multiple sources. those sources must have differing perspectives and you need to look at every single one with a critical eye, no matter how trustworthy they may seem (listen, i get it’s way more complicated than that and i could go off on a whole other tangent about the glaring problems with mainstream news media in the united states and not in a cringefail right-wing way, but this is an mcr blog, so let’s just focus on the basic principle here).

obviously, i don’t think anyone should engage with transphobes unless it’s for the sake of making stronger counter-arguments, because their beliefs are provably harmful and false. but someone making good-faith criticisms of speculating about a stranger who has not publicly come out as trans and/or non-binary is markedly different. i’m not the only person who’s written something like this, and i encourage everyone to seek out similar posts and think about the points they’re making, even if you don’t agree with every single one of them.

this speculative commentary on gerard’s identity has spread like wildfire and created a polarizing echo chamber, from what i’ve seen. i understand why. but it’s still deeply worrying to me. seeing as this is primarily happening on tumblr, i’m concerned less because i think gerard will ever see or care about these posts (that’s obviously still important, though), and more because of what this says about how people in mcr fanspaces view celebrities they feel strongly about and engage with information they see online at large.

please do research on digital media literacy, and please use reputable sources with authority on journalism and communications to do so. don’t take what you see on social media at face value. don’t trust any one social media user to feed you commentary or shape your viewpoints, and that includes me. read with a critical eye. think about the possible implications and intentions behind the words other people use, big or small, and why those might be there. be aware of your own biases and blindspots. remember that you’ll never be perfect, not even close. and while you’re at it, learn more about the experiences of gnc people, and the experiences of queer people of all different ages, backgrounds, cultures, races, identities, perspectives, lived experiences, etcetera. if you can, engage in diverse irl lgbtq+ spaces. they put things into perspective in a way the internet never will.

but i still use tumblr in 2022, so what do i know?

————

if there’s anything you think i overlooked or misconstrued in this post, tell me! i want this to be a living, breathing conversation, not a monologue. these are important issues and they deserve our time and attention. thank you so much for reading.

[somethingmissingthiswaycomes]

I keep reading about other trans guys' experiences and feeling like... Oh man... I need to get back on testosterone.

More and more I'm realizing that, while I wasn't ready to go further on HRT when I started it, I do ultimately need to transition more. I need the puberty I never got.

I'm realizing more and more that I have a lot of internalized... androphobia, I suppose, would be the word. My mother understandably taught me to be more wary of men than women, and my emotionally distant father has been the only man in my life since forever. (It's been nice to get to know him for real over the last year or so.) I've internalized the particularly transandrophobic fear that, if I went "too far" with HRT, I would become something I've been taught to fear. If I go "too far," I'll have betrayed something.

Learning that I was trans has also brought me into online spaces with more transfemmes than transmascs, and learning about feminism through these spaces also brought up a lot of anti-man rhetoric that I'm trying to unlearn in a feminist way—rhetoric that came from understandable places, largely either from radfem ideas separated from transphobia or from externalized dysphoria in discussions by trans women in largely feminine spaces. All very understandable, most of it not even hateful so much as vaguely resentful toward the idea of "being a man", but ultimately a harmful environment for me to explore my gender in.

When I got top surgery, I was filled with anxiety because I had little to no positive examples of what my body should or could look like after the fact. Not with my body type, anyway, and largely not without the effects of testosterone beforehand. I knew I wanted to be rid of my breasts, so I went through with it with... probably less information about what to expect at the end than I should have. (Though it was thoroughly necessary, and I don't regret it.)

I think my hesitancy to transition also comes from having managed to internalize transmisogyny—the idea that I could never properly express my womanhood as a genderfluid person if I went "too far" with testosterone. I don't believe this about anyone else, but I suppose the harmful bias is in there. Even as I've wished before that I'd been through an AMAB puberty, as I've wanted to be feminine in ways that celebrate the effects of testosterone, I've still thought... "What if, by the end of it, I feel like those trans women who say they were 'ruined' by it?"

Which I think leads me into the next realization I've had, which is that I've also internalized the (false) idea that trans people who were AFAB are privileged. That, if I made myself appear AMAB to onlookers, maybe I would lose that "privilege." I'm realizing here that I'm scared of losing the "privilege" that being uncomfortable in my own skin has supposedly lent me. But I know that I would never put that on others; of course I'd never say that a trans woman shouldn't risk the "privilege" she'd lose by rejecting the manhood society places on her. But that's how internalizing things works, I suppose. It can make you very hypocritical.

All this, and then sometimes I'll watch a short film about a transmasculine experience, or I'll read an article about a trans man's life, or I'll actually seek out the thoughts and words of guys like me, and... It's triggering, honestly. It makes me yearn. It makes me want but it doesn't eliminate these feelings of fear and self-disgust.

I stopped taking HRT because my arms started looking like my grandfather's arms. The grandfather who brazenly, proudly supports Trump, who went out more often during the peak of COVID, who knows that my sister and I are both trans and sent an envelope with $20 checks "for the girls" for Christmas that included me and excluded her. (I gave her my check out of spite for him.) I stopped taking testosterone because my body started to remind me of the man who had encouraged my sister to join the military, which traumatized her, and who disaproved of my mother's second marriage because she fell in love with a black man.

It is... very hard to accept yourself as a trans man who needs testosterone to be comfortable in your own body when the people your body starts to resemble are hateful and horrible, and when some of the people at the forefront of the movement for your rights project that onto you too, even unintentionally.

But with every story I hear about a trans guy sharing my struggles and doing what they need to, what they want to, and being supported by those they choose to surround themselves with... I feel more emboldened. Sure of myself and what I need.

Keep sharing stories of love and success, and of struggles and fights, and pride.

[kittenintheden]

okay listen I'm so tired lol

I am a fandom old. I've been around the freaking block like eight dozen times. I'm at the point in my life where I enjoy media because it's FUN and ENRICHING for me personally, rather than something I base my identity on. I adore the community that happens in fan spaces (mostly).

here is why I never trust an anon that's clearly just being a dick: I've been in way to many scenarios where people who aren't even invested in the thing just think it's so fucking funny to watch segments of a community fight with each other. it tickles some part of their lizard brain. their mom never taught them not to be an asshole to strangers. idk.

there's a political term that you may or may not be familiar with called astroturfing. it's frequently used in marketing and politics to falsely create the image of vast public support for something that doesn't actually have all that much natural support. for example, people who don't especially have strong feelings about trans issues being encouraged/paid/instructed to respond to any and all trans support a certain way. responding to blogs, sending letters to the editor, posting on message boards, etc. their goal is to create a broad public perception that most people are anti-trans (untrue).

and it works. entire fucking laws and legislation and protests and fearmongering come out of that shit. people make up FAKE PROBLEMS (cis men dressing up like women to go be pervy in public bathrooms???) and spread the word via bad actors and controlling the public discourse. the media conglomerate that gamed Facebook to disproportionately support asshole authoritarian alt-right clowns and got them elected was EXCELLENT at it.

a similar thing can happen in fandom, ESPECIALLY when that fandom is a haven for women, POC, queer folk, and other minorities. you guys might remember GamerGate and SadPuppies? yeah all those fuckers are still active and still purposely being shitty at every given opportunity because they think it's funny to make the "libs" fight amongst themselves.

look up #yourslipisshowing if you're not familiar. it was a movement by Black Twitter (specifically Black WOMAN Twitter) to expose bad actors who would create accounts posing as Black woman activists, learn the surface-level terminology, and just purposely cause discord in leftist spaces under the ever-familiar activist method of "being morally pure is a thing that can exist."

anyway: any time I get an ask or comment without a name attached that is very obviously intended to poke me in a sore spot, I delete that shit and assume it's some fucker trying to start fan drama for kicks. even if I'm wrong, I still don't need to feed into that shit. this is my fun, happy space. I'm an activist and do activist shit and get angry at the world in real life, I don't need it in my little fandom corner of the internet too.

which is not to say that shitty fans and shitty fandom takes don't really exist. they very much do. but I don't give them much air unless there's an actual name attached. and even THEN it can be hit or miss because people can and do create fake accounts if they're especially dedicated to being a shithead.

so: if you're minding your business and some goober comes into your ask box with shit that's clearly intended to push a button, give it like 24 hours to cool down and decide if it's actually worth it to respond. for me, most of the time I determine that it's not.

don't get me wrong. calling out bad behavior in fandom IS IMPORTANT and SHOULD BE DONE. I just also think it's important to try and find the joy and camaraderie in these spaces as much as possible and that people who try to disrupt that for jollies suck real bad and give a disproportionate perception of "what X fans are like."

in summary, my philosophy is be the best person you can be, be as kind as is warranted, focus on the parts of your fandom that make you happiest, and carry a big stick for when the jerks won't take a hint.

also like. shitting on other characters to prop up your fave is such a freaking middle school move. are you in middle school? if so, I'm sorry. if not, I'm still sorry, but for a different reason.

[butchbarbieagainstterfs]

i need to vent about this because it's something that terfs and radfems love to turn a blind eye on. i saw a post of a trans guy talking about how he's scared of transphobes and how much he dislikes terfs because they are hateful ppl who can and do hurt him. radfems then obviously had to jump onto his post to preach about how they're so innocent and holy, how they only want the best for women, and how they never hurt a fly. "you should be scared of homophobic men" one said. while another even went as far as to claim that trans people fear for their lives because some trans overlord tricked them into being scared and that actually, they aren't in any danger.

like how fucking disgusting do you have to be to tell someone they're faking or overreacting, when people call them slurs, throws things at them, make jokes about how trans people should "41% themselves"? cis women insult and abuse trans people, send them threats and death wishes, also attack them in public. but sure, all cis women are innocent angels that you musn't be afraid of. it pisses me off to no end how they refure to accept that most of them are very much capable of and DO hurt trans men and it's justified that we hate them. and even if they rarely get physical, online bullying and spreading misinfo and hate actively encourages said homophobic men to then physically attack trans people. not to mention all the laws and stigma in the general public. just because you didn't punch a transmasc yourself, your hate encourages others who already have the hate for trans people to up the act. if one nazi in a group is actively discouraged, he will be kept in check. but if others stay silent or share similar views, the hate will grow and sooner or later there WILL be victims. it's that simple.

it shows how much they DON'T actually care about trans men and how they only ever care about themselves and their egos.

^^^^^^

[molsno]

hey, sorry if this is out of line, but I'm a "theyfab" (pre-everything guy, waiting for top approval, rly sensitive to hormones so worried about t) dating a transfemme. I want her to feel loved and seen by me - she's also early in transition and I want her to know that me loving her as she is DOESNT mean I won't continue to love her as she grows and changes. She's pretty shy and her only trans girl friends are online. Anyway, I want to learn how to NOT be like the tme people you've interacted with. U can ignore this, but if u do have advice I'd love to hear it!

Also, I'm really sorry about the abuse you've endured. It's not fair. It's not acceptable.

hi, I honestly appreciate you asking for advice! that to me shows that you do really care about her and want to be good to her

I think the most important thing is to keep in mind that she's in an incredibly vulnerable and precarious position. it sounds to me like she doesn't have a big support network. it can be very hard to build something like that as a trans woman (especially early in transition) but it's something that's absolutely vital. a big problem that I think a lot of us face is becoming overly dependent on a tme person (or a few of them) which can be completely devastating if that person leaves. I think the best thing you can do to help her is to encourage her to make more friends of her own. ideally, they should NOT just be your friends that you're introducing her to. she needs to have friends and allies completely separate from you. you cannot do everything for her, nor should you be expecting/expected to - that's a fast way to make sure your relationship falls apart. above all - and this is key - is to understand that you don't own her. she's an independent person, and she deserves to have her own life and make her own choices about it

I feel I should also warn you that this is going to be a very tumultuous time for her. she is literally starting to undergo a second puberty, and it will be just as distressing, hormonal, and emotional as the first one. cut her some slack if she seems irritable or upset for seemingly no reason. for me and a lot of other trans women I know, this was one of the most dysphoria-inducing periods of our lives. it very well might be for her too. it's easy to be upset that the hormones aren't working, or that changes aren't happening fast enough, or that you'll be ugly or not feminine enough, etc. she may express doubts like this. offer her reassurance! it will take time for her to see the changes she wants to see, but they'll come. in the mean time, let her know whenever you notice changes in her. maybe you'll notice her skin is softer, or her hair looks more lush, or her face is rounding out, or her hips are getting wider. let her know that you see these things and compliment her. early transition can very well be a source of joy, if she's able to take pleasure in the little changes, and you can absolutely be a part of that process!

I don't know if your relationship involves sex, and I don't want to make any assumptions about how you two engage in it if so. however, this is a common experience I hear about, so I feel like I should tell you this. don't expect her to have sex with you like a cis man. not only can it be dysphoria-inducing to always have to top, her body will possibly not even be capable of that soon due to the effects of estrogen. if that's how you've been having sex up until now, you'll have to really reorient how you two do things. I haven't read it myself, but I've heard the zine "fucking trans women" by mira bellwether contains a lot of good information on this topic. you may find it useful! I think you can read it at this link, but I'm not sure. if any of my followers have a better link, go ahead and put it in the replies!

finally, and this is honestly just a good tip for relationships in general, listen to her. if she's upset about something, take her seriously and don't pass judgment on her. don't immediately jump on the defensive if she's upset about something you've done in particular. try to put yourself in her shoes and see things from her perspective. show her that she can talk to you about anything and you'll be receptive, and you'll be able to have open, honest communication much more often, which will lead to a much stronger and healthier relationship

thank you for sending this, and thank you for your reassurance about my own trauma as well. it really means a lot to me! it really helps me feel more optimistic to know that there are tme people who are willing to listen to us and be better allies to us. I think your girlfriend is very lucky to have you, and I hope you can both be happy together!

before I go, I know I'm not that knowledgeable about your personal situation, but I would say that if you think testosterone would make you happier, you should pursue it! if you can obtain it, there's nothing wrong with taking it for a week or two, seeing how it makes you feel, and then deciding whether or not to keep taking it based on that. either way, I wish you the best!

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

social media’s in a nutshell, but the people who actually use them.

Twitter: So did I you know your an awful person?

also twitter: Racism, racism, racism, sexism, your best friend talking about a dog they saw, sexism, sexism, homophobia, homophobia, homophobia, transphobia, NSFW art from a mutual, transphobia, transphobia, and then the worst take in the history of worst takes by some 13 year old or maybe it was actually 30 something you can’t tell.

YouTube: “why YouTube has become a capitalist hellhole for anyone who dares speak about anything not consumer friendly: A video essay” 4 hours and 50 minutes long, 40,895 views.

also YouTube: “me and my friend are mermaids btw here’s how to do the mermaid spell! Easy in 1 step!” 26 minutes long.

also also YouTube: “I COMMITED TAX FRAUD AND TRIED TO OUTRUN THE AUTHORITIES CHALLENGE 24 HOUR CHALLENGE PART 1 OF 279” 10 minutes long and has almost a billion views.

also also also YouTube: “beheading” 13 minutes long, with 1,600 views.

ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO YouTube: “HUGGY WUGGY TOILET NAKED VORE?” 20 minutes long, 8 million views.

4chan: be me> sexless loser> finds amazing wonderful woman who loves me for me> she’s fat> keep her until someone else comes> me and her do exercise and eat better> she becomes 100/10> gets married> has kids> love of my life>

also 4chan: ROBOTS, /B/ WE MUST UNITE THIS FUCKER BLENDERED A CAT WE MUST KILL HIM>

THAT (insert string of slurs) WILL GET WHAT’S COMING TO HIM>

FOUND HIS ADDRESS AT 404 CATBLENDER MAN STREET>

AUTHORITIES CALLED I GOT THE RSPCA AT THE HOUSE LETS GO /B/ FUCK YEAH THIS IS A WIN FOR ALL THE ROBOTS LETS GO>

also also 4chan: *the most graphic picture you have ever seen that haunts your soul and your life you will never be the same* hey /b/ look what I found>

also also also 4chan: guys, *insert the most out of pocket slur filled green post you hav ever seen* and that’s why I think (insert minority) are degenerates>

tiktok: *video of hatsune miku dancing with the caption* it’s not okay to encourage ED$ instead be kind and respectful and not be f@tphobic and @blei$t

also TikTok: *a video plays before quickly cutting out replaced with a new one* YOU ARE MAKING PEOPLE UNALIVE THEMSELVES WITH THIS TIKTOK GET HELP TRANS PEOPLE AREN’T GŘOÖMËRS AND PDFILES YOU ARE AWFUL!

also also TikTok: *a video plays of a montage of red and black text* you never saw me as real, you never saw me. I’m going to k1ll myself soon, life is too hard my parents have taken away my ps5 and my phones I am making this on my friends phone. Good bye cruel world.

also also also TikTok: *dangerous things happen in quick succession* “so that’s how you do a deep clean of your home!” comments : girly😭 NO you can’t use 🔥 on wooden floorboards 😰

comments: 💀💀💀 bro’s using chemical weapons to clean her sink💀💀💀

Comments: BLEACH IN YOUR FISHTANK? GIRL ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOUR BF’S DISCUS😬

comments: okay you did so many things wrong here and genuinely I’m surprised your are still alive-1

Cleangirly: no it was pretty safe idk what you mean🤷‍♀️

Comments:WHAT DO YOU MEAN SAFE? YOU SET A FIRE TO CLEAN THE FLOORBOARDS?-2

Also also also ALSO TikTok: *a video explaining why if you hate the color blue your a narcissist* yeah anyone who hates blue is a big red flag girlies

Tumblr: “guys penis” 1 million notes

also tumblr: *a long post explaining the intricacies of sexuality, sexism, the queer identity, toxic masculinity, and how colonialism and racism plays into it.* so yeah long post whoops.

reblog: *the most loaded toxic reblog you have ever seen* woman should all be killed.

reblog: *starts out making some form of sense then devolves* ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS AND SHOULD BE PUT TO DEATH NOW

reblog: *a story relating heavily to the post, which makes the original post better by its addition* so yeah some other re blogs are missing the point but you really put my experience into words thank you <3

reblog: *a picture of the tags filled with the weirdest take you have ever seen* Uhh who are you and can you leave tumblr? Thanks?

also also tumblr: gifly the gif, share gifly the gif because look at him *mindbogglingly fast images flash*

Quora: “why is the sky blue?”

answer 1: because god made it that way in his infinite wisdom

answer 2: because *long winded but concise explanation on how it works* I have a doctorate in this subject.

awnser 3: Long story short, it’s not blue it’s the ozone or something.

Facebook: “meemaw want to add you as a friend” *presses yes, anyone you have ever known tangentially appears in the Facebook friends page*

Also Facebook: “Gerald is my husband who I love”

Comments: that’s nice Geraldine, happy anniversary

Comments: *long winded conspiracy theory* that’s why the illegals want to rule the world and destroy us all

also also also Facebook: *random 5minute crafts video* TOP TEN LIFE HACKS FOR COOKING!

comments: oh what an amazing video! -Geraldine

comments: YOU CAN MAKE THE POPPED CORN WITH A COKA COLA CAN?

comments: I am showing this to my dear wife Geraldine. -Gerald

omegle: *video starts live-streaming and you see an older man’s cock* “…” “…” “you 13?” “…” *ends chat*

also Omegle: *you and a guy talk for ages* that was awesome here’s my socials! See you soon friend!

reddit: “why the Reddit mods are power hungry” *it is a screenshot of a screenshot talking about mod abuse.* “REDDIT WANTS US SILENT WE MUST FIGHT!” *deleted post*

also Reddit: “top ten anime wifus in (PEDO BAIT SHOW) and why I’d fuck them”

also also Reddit: “how do you fix a bolted screw valve on a pressure cooker…”

Vine: *5 seconds of comedy*