#// *so i am going to scream while writing
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Listen I know 'ghhhs' is not a verb and I will describe how my whumpee here is screaming properly when I get to that paragraph but sometimes 'ghhh' really is just the only way to describe the animalistic, uninhibited way a noise that comes so deeply from pain and the throat sounds, y'know?
#my writing#you know when a scream/moan sounds like it starts with a g right#comes from the back of the throat but lingers in the mouth almost like a word#i am in a Prose mood lol apologies#(ace if you happen to see this i am describing the scream that gets audio cut out in the scene i was complaining was too short lol)#this is some Late Night Sarah rambling you're all getting here 😅#but writing always beats sleeping so i'm going to be up a while longer
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*whispers* oh my god oh my goddddd ohhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy godddddddddd vicious_summer read my work and left a comment and now I feel like I’m going to disintegrate and crumble into a pile of ash because my soul has left my body and I?????? *dies*
#I literally love their writing so much#I’m actually just fighting the urge to be like#DONT LOWER YOURSELF TO SPEAK TO ME I AM NOT WORTHYYYYYYYY#which is obviously super weird and cringe and I’m not going to say that but omg??#I just love their writing so much 😭#like when someone you really admire just casually reads your own nonsense and compliments it???#this is just mental to me#anyway this was an amazing thing to wake up to I’m just going to scream about it and stare at a wall for a while lol#….I just don’t think I can be cool about this#on any level 😂
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" sigh ... "
#oh gosh darn . i had to write something to distract me from my current fixation . since i am going crazyyy#if i had a nickel for every ship between an old . silly . british dude and a computer character then id have two nickels#one was already enough . two is waaayyy too much#anywhosies . ignoring my digitaltime and stannarrator brain idiocracies#i wrote more boy lore !!! get it while it's hot !!! hahaha !!!#i thought it would be nice to actually write some more context on [mysterious red mist swirling around me . muffling my speech]#so yeah !!! here you gooo !!!#i can't wait to hear reactions !!! >_<#i know it's shorter than what i wrote previously . but i think i had a tad more fun than last time !!!#okay well uhh im gonna go into my insane man room again and wait for my intense thoughts to calm down to the point where i won't kick and –#– scream in a wild . deranged manner when i see digitaltime and tsp content#drink water#bye-bye#:3#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis au#high voltage au#dhmis tony#tony the talking clock#dhmis hv tony#dhmis sketchbook#dhmis hv sketchbook#fanfiction#ao3#ao3 fanfic
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Me staring at test results: It makes so much sense for her, but if I don't specify or elaborate, then we end up with the fanon take. Ugh, how do I easily explain that if you look at the word 'sex' through a much more old-fashioned lens instead of the modern one, that you'll get a vastly different picture of it?
/takes angycat.png typing to my tags
#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.#[ post-it. ] in a way; you are poetry material. you are full of cloudy subtleties I am willing to spend a lifetime figuring out.#[ i'm so tired. i need to write a post on this or something. and somehow add it to my pinned. in some way. ]#[ 'sex' and 'seduction' are /not/ wrong in my opinion. HOWEVER-- they are /very wrong/ if we go by modern labels and perception. ]#[ god the horror of writing a muse that is so interlaced in a modern world; setting and culture but seems to /ooze/ something archaic. ]#[ this level of refinement isn't of our times in my opinion. these things that she loves aren't commonly loved nowadays. ]#[ there's so much about her that is old-fashioned to me and it's so in my face. and yet fanon doesn't see it. ]#[ i can't believe i'm an old millennial who's screaming boomer or older things. ]#[ but like can we acknowledge that sex in today's age isn't the same as it used to be? not /always/ but more generally so. ]#[ can we acknowledge that /seduction/ didn't always mean what people see it to mean now? ]#[ can we acknowledge that the FEMME FETALE TROPE HAS CHANGED /LEAGUES/ since the 2000s? ]#[ which is my biggest beef actually. and maybe all of my frustration plays into this most. it's that the femme fatale now is sexualized. ]#[ while that is /not/ what the femme fatale used to be. kafka plays into the old school femme fatale so well. film noir days. ]#[ i had this same struggle on yelan where they make VERY OBVIOUS draws to it by her music in her trailer. god; the jazz. ]#[ but kafka suffers from this so very much as well to a point where i don't dare to call her a femme fatale because then it's fanon. ]#[ the fanon i hate so much. ]#[ but just uuuughhhh. UGHHH. it's so much to explain. ]
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having a significantly dire self-confidence go lately, so i've been using all my spare moments with attempting to finish my daughter's cross-stitch project i started 2 years ago. i really hate feeling this way.
#i am well aware that i need to change my creation mode#away from someone who creates for other people#it's just that i've got fucking 13 years of internalized failure#that i'm trying to navigate through#and i gotta admit it's been a real fucking slog of a shitshow#in my god damn brain the past few months#i'm trying very hard to give myself grace#because over a decade of failure isn't going to be something i get over so quickly#but also sometimes i want to SCREAM at people#DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO LET GO OF SOMETHING#THAT YOU FUCKING STAKED YOUR WHOLE LIFE ON#FOR THAT FUCKING LONG#no positives no success stories#you just fucking failed#the fact that i'm writing at all anymore#is probably a god damn miracle#but god damn sometimes i just need someone to throw me a FUCKING LIFE PRESERVER#while i'm DROWNING
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"i'm only a call or text away" sir i am looking at our history and there are 5 unanswered questions i've sent you
#old supervisor is now teaching at the school and it's great that he's so local but he does not answer my work questions#unless he sees me in the hallway or stops by my desk and is like “ok what can I help with :D”#sir I told you a week ago what I needed why are you not checking to see if I'm reaching out for assistance#I've noticed the men I work with like to give their answers verbally and while they're thinking about them#the women I work with write things down and remember to respond online when they see me#guess who i mostly have to ask the harder questions of (i am going to scream)#shouting into the void here
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cw post / tags. sorry
i don't even know if i have the words
to express this
she's gone
and its all my fault
#~ . 🥀#half my brain wants to scream to cry to do something#the other half wants to lie here forever and wait til i go numb#im in such a state of shock rn i .m gonna throw up#for context#2 hours ago as of writing this i received news that a loved one committed suicide#i was one of the only people that knew she was severely depressed / suicidal i shouldve seen the signs#i shouldve helped her more or called her or told someone#i was a coward. i couldn't.#and because i willingly did nothing to stop someone from dying#i am compliant. therefore . its my fault shes dead#.#this isnt some story where you can rewrite the ending#this is real life#and now i watched someone i love die and will have to live with the guilt of knowing i couldve done something but chose not to#the worst type of person.#i didnt deserve to be friends with someone like her.#no one did. she was smart and witty and oh so stubborn (affectionate)#we both loved the same bands. i don't know if i can ever listen to those bands the same way again#god i cant think#im actually gonna throw up#this is the 2nd time in my life something like this has happened. 3rd if you count all COD not just suicide#knowing something is wrong with a loved one but being too much of a wuss to tell anyone or help them or do anything useful#god im fucking worthless#my friends and family will vent to me and share their problems with me and ill say i care and tell myself i care#but givenmy behavior i don't think i can ever say i can#idoly standing by while people i love suffer#fuckin pathetic#this was a deliberate choice i made. this is all my fault#this is all my fault
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IN TEARS BECAUSE I FOUND AN ARTIST WHO DRAWS TEEN WOLF AND THEY HAVE SO MUCH ART OF SCOTT, IT HAS FED ME TONIGHT
#// *AND NO ITS NOT THE TV SHOW#// *THE MOVIE!! THE MOVIE#// *do yall have any idea how HAPPY THIS MAKES ME#// *ive always been the weird one to have the movie be my favorite movie ever for YEARS#// *since i was like. 13#// *AND THERE'S AN ARTIST HERE WHO DRAWS HIM??? AND HES SO CUTE????#// *im GONNA FUCKING CRY#// *i am now so fueled at midnight and i have NOWHERE to dispense my joy#// *so i am going to scream while writing#// *I NEED TO WRITE MY BOY MORE OFTEN#🐺 * 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐒 : out of character
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Yes i am crazy
#currently rereading motorsport and reading for the first time i was screaming your name through the radio#while also re doing a motorsport animatic and writing 7 different fics#2 au (ada and highschool) and then 4 fic requests and a self indulgent fic#Also working 3 jobs and doing chores around the house which lowkey counts as its own#I also baby sit my little cousin (He's 5 and has too much energy)#How am i functioning#no clue#I'm getting less that 2 hours a sleep each night and barely eat but am somehow feeling the best i've felt in a while#Anyways I got about 3 hours (it's 4:23 am) until my shift so imma go workout#then i needa shower and if i have time i might take a nap#im running on funes at this point#inp4ut shenanigans
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+ of organising all the writing projects in notion: I have an aesthetic todo list!
- of organising all the writing projects in notion: a have a fucking todo list and all my 12 unfinished project are staring in my soul
#ok most of those are translations#some of them are in the editing stage even#but 5 of those 12 are maxi fics in various stages of wip?#ehhhhhhh#and I want to update formatting on all the old fics because I finally googled how to css the indented 1st line of a paragraph#but I dont' want to apply it to all p tags in the workskin because it messes up fucking A/N#so I need to add new class to tags and it's annoying in case of multichapters#weeeeell to be finished in 10 years I guess?#and like logically i know i don't HAVE to finish all and every project in span of a few month hopefully I have my whole life to write fics#but then I see ppl screaming crying throwing up because the fic they're reading had no updates for 6 month and they declare the author dead#and here I am in the corner trying to complete something while the hobby focus circulated to the right spot#I know I vent too much about my fics but I moved websites and lack of feedback is driving me nuts but I'm not going back to ficbook N O P E
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Ew, essays :[
I miss the old days of kindergarten when we attempted to color butterflies and ate erasers and glue
-🎁
I hated kindergarten
Essays may suck but at least now I'm not the weird kid in the corner wishing I had friends
However yes I absolutely despise essays with all my being... in fact!
Achievement unlocked: you somehow found a topic moshie hates enough and on a bad day to start them ranting in the tags...
Warning there are curse words, poor spelling, and caps locks
Sorry in advance
#asks#off topic#seriously tho i hate essays so much#one of them is already 5 pages and thats just the rough draft#i better get a fucking high pass on that shit or i will scream#shes actually making us focus on out writing process and OH HO.HO BOY IS MINE A MESS#I SWEAR ITS LIKE TRYING TO MAKE A SKETCH BUT YOU KEEP PAINTING CERTAIN PARTS BECAUSE IT HAS TO LOOK NICE#ONLY TO RELIZE OH WAIT MAYBE THAT DOESN'T GO THERE AND I SHOULD ACTUALLY SHIFT IT AROUND#OR MAYBE I COULD SWAP THIS TOO BE THAT LOOKS AWFUL AND IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE TILL ITS A RIVER OF BLOOD AND PAINT#AND SHE WANTS TO SEE MY ROUGH DRAFT??? HONNEY YOU WOULD HAVE A BETTER CHANCE AT READING THE MARIO SUNSHINE SPEEDRUN CATEGORY BACKWARDS THEN#UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE FUCK IM TRYING TO WRITE ITS WHY I HAVE TO WRITE IT ALL IN ONE GO OTHERWISE I HAVE TO LOOK BACK AND UNDERSTAND WHAT#WAS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD WHILE LOOKING THROUGH THIS MESS!!! OOOHH WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO ORGANIZE THIS WELL SHIT THATS GOING TO TAKE EVEN#LONGER YOU ALREADY GOT ME WRITING WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME STOP MUCH LESS MAKE ME SWITCH SUBJECTS TO ANOTHER ESSAY HALF WAY THROUGH OH BU#AND GUESS WHAT!???? ONE PAGE! DOUBLE SPACE! AND IM NOT GOING TO GIVEN GIVE YOU A DIRECTION TO WRITE IN JUST ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT WE LEARNED#IN THESE LAST TWO WEEKS! TWO WEEKS FUCKING HELL DO YOU KNOW HOW INDECISIVE AND FORGETFUL I AM??? MUCH LESS THE FACT KTS ABOUT ETHNICS#I DIDNT EVEN EANT TO TAKE AN ETHNICS CLASS I WANTED ETHICS I FUCKING HATE EVERY SO MUCH RIGHT NOW#LIKE YEA SURE I KNOW THEY'RE IMPORTANT BUT I STILL HATE ESSAYS and j know my teachers are trying their best...#but jeese ethnics is such a difficult topic because on one had yea i relate to what these people are going through im part of the LGBT#are statistics are very similar but im also bery much a white person and not openly trans/non binary i dont want to look like some stuck up#white person going oooo look at the poor minorities i can TotAlLy relate and now im going to talk about me#because im genuinely scared of coming out idk whos accepting and whos not at least online im safe and can block people...#jeese im sorry for the rant i shouldn't have gone on that much less my art blog#this is supposed to be a positive blog but i just need to put this somewhere or i feel im going to cry out of frustration im sorry#rant post#system#oops moshie got emotional
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you don’t know pain until you’ve finished reading the last book in one of your favorite childhood series and are in a copious amount of tears and unbridled nostalgia
#re: this is about the empty grave in the lockwood & co series#reading as a adult compared to child me …..#every little detail has become more important#every full circle …. yall i am in TEARS over this rn !!!!!#this book came for my throat 😭#(if i don’t see this adapted netflix will be hearing from me)#(also i meant ‘an adulthood’ lol)#i am in shambles rn over this book#could write an essay — organic chem keeps me from such pleasures 🤧#going to be thinking about this ending for a while 🫡#12 year old me is screaming#lockwood and co#(i wonder how young me reacted to this book bc surely enough i can’t remember for the life of me)#(she was definitely happy tho….most definitely happy)#(adult me is in tears - happy tears - so that’s a good sign)#ok thanks for coming to my ted talk about to go lose my mind !!!!
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I'm tired and not doing well mentally so jave some more Separated Strings au stuff.
Hollow tries to follow Kris around, but they get distracted really easy !
The Soul is the same one from undertale obviously. Would make actually meeting the townsfolk face to face a bit . Sad and nostalgic
Hollow gets along well with Susie and Kris, but doesn't really connect as well with Ralsie. They like him, but they're just . Unsure.
Kris and Susie return to the light world on their own. Since Hollow looks sorta human it'd be difficult to explain their presence! While they're gone Hollow uses Kris' room. The. The other side. They found a bed somewhere
Hollow fights with a spear!! I just think spears are cool. It has a heart shaped point . Hehe. Hollow's gear is a pink/red cloak, blue butterfly hairpin, and an old heart locket.
#holly rambles#Separated Strings#deltarune au#utdr au#utdr player#deltarune soul#deltarune vessel#weeeeee i am... not doing good rn agh.#everyday is the same as the last. i am stuck in a loop of torment#ok seriously tho im. struggling artisticly rn. which is not good cause i have a commission#a commision to finish AGG AGH AGH. IM SO SORRY ITS TAKING. SO LONG#plus everytime i try to write the next chap of hollow cell i just. go kinda blanck fod . for a while#HGGGG. :(#so. prolly just gonna. talk about yhis new au for a bit. idk if anyone like! really cares#its mostly for me? i am just rotating it in my mind and screaming inot the void that is tumbl r. L
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i tried an energy drink today to see if it would do anything and. well. it didn't. it made me fucking tired is all. and now i'm mad that i'm tired, bc i have a paper to do and i STILL CAN'T FOCUS ENOUGH TO DO IT
#screams cries rends clothes etc#like. jokes aside i need to write this goddamn paper. its not due Soon but it has to be started bc im working this week and the next#and i know that fucks w my ability to do school work real bad#i was kind of hoping the caffeine either wouldnt do anything or would actually make it easier to focus. nope. just tired#levi.txt#just. i only have 2wks left to school. this is my only paper#its ALWAYS a struggle to do things at the end of the semester anyway but this worries me#bc while this semester has been rough bc im so off my game#im just. terrified for next semester. when im taking 4 english courses at once#i dont know how im gonna do it. im petrified ill go and nuke my gpa bc all that work is gonna be nigh impossible to manage#i dont know why i let myself get talked into doing honours i am not good enough at school to do honours like this#not that im not smart enough! i think i am!#but i cannot focus enough to do this. and i cant get any help
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nothing even happened!!!
#vent post#don't reblog#do not open tags if you dont want to know abt the Everything#fuck off lou#my post#guess whose fucking prescription expired#and also whose period just started again. six days after it ended. again.#and also who didnt even have a difficult day but is still feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and awful#my roommate it watching tiktoks w no headphones on in the bathroom next door to my room#and it makes me want to scream#i even had a productive writing day#so why! do! i! feel! like! shit!#it's probably the burnout#and the looming two-to-five days im going to have to go without my meds#+ looming threat of having to move back in w my parents until i can find a one bedroom within my price range#(hahahahaha)#while aiming to work part time bc of the burn out (ahahahahaha)#god just keeps nerfing me over and over and over#like bro i am so sorry i was cocky af two years ago but i am not she anymore i know my limits pls stop
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feeling inadequate about my writing tonight
#i don’t really have anywhere else 2 say this#been knocking into way too many cans of gas on bridges yknow and now the only bridges i have left r the spaces that r not doing me too well#admittedly.#it’s more of a me problem#do u know how hard it is to watch people ur age get supported by your friend groups when the only time you’re given the support is when you#claw and scream and beg for it. and even then#im back to not feeling 2 great about my writing#i know their writing is better than mine and that’s fine#it’s not fine but it’s fine . i can cope#i want to believe my writings decent so bad but the only people who read it r my best friend and some girl i met a few weeks ago#if my own friends can’t even fucking try to read it without me crying and begging them too then how is a large scale audience supposed to#if the people who love me and know how important my writing is to me can read it#how are complete strangers supposed to take that gamble#too saturated of a market and im not bringing anything 2 it#starting to think i should just do barrendejng or copywriting or whatever#the people I know are the same ages as me but they’re miles ahead of where I am and I’ve been writing for longer#i don’t think I’m getting better than this.#writing is all I have and I’m so mediocre about it#is it so hard to be asked to be understood and seen. Jesus Christ#ignore this if uve read it. ik shat advice I’m gonna get and its not gonna make feel any better#i just want to give up sometimes.#Anthony’s tumblr adventure#Anthony’s venting arc#there we go. a tag so anyone who follows me on here can block it#venting#that 2#while I’m here#I wish I knew someone like me.#could fix me maybe idk at least I could feel seen and understood by more than one person#begging. please.
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