#[ this is more of a rambling than a real post but do consider ]

[catbountry]

Does anybody else remember Pandora? Not the box, or the fictional planet where James Cameron's blue alien cat people live where there's a literal mineral called "unobtanium" that can only be harvested from that particular planet. My man literally called that shit "unobtanium," fucking portmanteau of "unobtainable" and the "-ium" suffix for newer elements. No. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything else I'm writing beyond this point. This is a post about music.

This is a post about the customizable internet radio station Pandora. And also it's going to briefly cover ClickRadio, it's going to talk about my experiences with YouTube Music, Spotify, my own iPod and how I find and listen to music, and how it's a core part of my creative process and I put a bunch of music references in pretty much all of my creative work. None of it being musical, by the way. I can barely carry a tune and I can't play any instruments more complicated than a kazoo.

It also got really long and rambly, look, I'm high, I'm sorry. You've been warned.

It's 2001. I'm in high school. My life looks like this drawing I made a few weeks ago.

Music is a big part of my life. The internet was a lot slower. It would take several minutes to download an .mp3 file of a song that was only about three and a half minutes long, so I would listen to the radio a lot. But the thing about listening tuning into radio is that it's not the internet. You can't pick which song to listen to whenever you want. If you want that, your best bet is to own the songs you want on their physical CD releases, or risk exposing your mom's computer to a million viruses. But in order to skip a song, you have to press a physical button to skip a song. And of course, if you're listening to the radio where you can discover new songs, you can't skip the latest Limp Bizkit or Disturbed track with the vain hope that maybe they'll play "One-Armed Scissor" by At The Drive-In or "Go With the Flow" by Queens of the Stone Age, or any single off of Kid A. Everything you hated the most, hated more than Britney Spears or the Backstreet Boys, was all lumped together under the formless "alternative rock" label, which weirdly included hip-hop artists like Eminem, House of Pain, Beastie Boys, Cypress Hill, Gorillaz and Outkast; all stuff that I guess radio stations looked at and thought "yeah, this can appeal to white people."

You know I heard Dynamite Hack's version of "Boyz N The Hood" before I ever heard Eazy-E's? That should be a crime. That should be considered a human right's violation. Fuck you, Dynamite Hack for introducing the entire world to the concept of ironic hipster covers hip-hop songs which led to the fucking white people with ukeleles versions of Tupac songs. I am so glad that we, as a society, have all come together against these dynamite hacks and decided this was cringe and something that belongs in the past.

But this isn't an essay on awful YouTube music trends of the early 2010's, this is listening to music in the internet age in the early 2000's.

In 2001, ClickRadio launched. It was a desktop application that allowed you to listen to radio stations via the internet, but it had something real radio stations did not; if a song like, say, Dynamite Hack's cover of "Boys N The Hood" came on, you could click a thumbs down button and it would let out this cartoonishly loud "thud" and then that station would never play that song for you again. And if they played a song you really liked? You could click a thumb's up button and it would play that song more often.

I cannot understate how fucking mindblowing an idea this was in the early 2000's. Yes, ClickRadio would slow down your computer as the Neopets Flash games you would play gringing for Neopoints to get a Halloween brush for your Lupe that you named after a member of your favorite band. Anybody else do that?

No? Just me? Okay then.

ClickRadio would quickly get enshittificated, within only about a year or two being filled with more and more unskippable ads. I went back to just loading up MP3s in Winamp and playing music that way by the time I was in college, but it was a pain having to listen to whatever song I had physically on my hard drive, or a few years later, going to YouTube to see if somebody uploaded a crusty version of a NoMeansNo song with a Spanish-speaking DJ speaking in the opening bits of the video. Not ideal.

But then Pandora showed up.

I don't remember where I first heard about Pandora, but after Napster, there were a bunch of music start-ups hoping to be legitimate in the eyes of artists and record labels. Clickradio was just a radio station. But Pandora... was an experiment of The Algorithm.

You see, Pandora started what is known as the Music Genome Project, a way of organizing music into hundreds of different subgenres across five large umbrella genres; Pop/Rock, Hip Hop/Electronica, Jazz, World Music and Classical. What Pandora did was use this as a way to allow users to craft their own custom radio stations. And not only would it play the stuff you liked, but it would be tailored to a seed artist or song; you put in Nirvana, you get a lot of 90's alt rock radio faire, but then maybe it plays Mudhoney. Maybe it plays Sonic Youth. Maybe it plays Melvins, and you like it. And when you give a thumbs up, you hear more and more artists in similar subgenres. And let's say you've been looking into obscure or underground music for years before you start using Pandora, and suddenly you're introduced to artists you never would have come across more organically. And buddy, you'd bet my Pandora station was a fucking hodgepodge of hundreds of seeds, which allowed me to discover highly influential /mu/ core bands like Swans, Animal Collective and Neutral Milk Hotel, but also bands that are so obscure that their Spotify listens are in the lower four digits at maximum and maybe a couple tens of thousands of views on YouTube. So many songs I found through Pandora are from bands that I very rarely hear a lot of people talk about, but they've made songs that have just lived in my brain for decades.

And for a couple years, I'd be listening to Pandora radio while writing up new TF2 fanfiction to terrorize TF2chan with. Certain songs would come up so often because I specifically bookmarked them. I didn't really know a lot about shoegaze before Pandora, but now I own a physical copy of all three of Slowdive's albums, and you fucking bet "When the Sun Hits" was in heavy rotation while I was writing Respawn of the Dead.

Yes, this was playing while I was writing out Respawn of the Dead, chapter by chapter. And so was "Beautiful Plateau" by Sonic Youth, "The Sound" by Swans, "Dead Flag Blues" by Godspeed You! Black Emperor and "End of the Line" by Murder By Death. And also this song by a band called The Clock Work Army, which split up and reformed into another band called Calico Horses, and I know this because I found this out while trying to track down a song that would play constantly on my Pandora station and it has, as of writing this sentence, 2,588 listens. And it might have more by the time you read this because I might just put it on loop because oh my god, I love this song so much, it hits so perfect for me, why don't more people know about this song?

It's not on YouTube, where I usually tend to listen to music, since I'll go through a rotation of songs that I call "work songs." I put on music while I write, and some songs are just so perfect that I can listen to them on loop with a very select number of songs that just never, ever get old for me. My neurons in my brain light up as though I was hearing it again for the first time.

Swans, Sigur Ros and The Dillinger Escape Plan are all artists who I found through Pandora that I've had the privilege to see live. By the time I was just discovering bands because I had a bunch of friends and mutuals with similar taste in music to mine, Pandora was slowly getting more and more ads. It was getting to the point where the free service would, if you were lucky, play only three or four songs before playing an ad. And when the length of those songs can span anywhere from less than three minutes for much of my beloved 80's and early 90's punk, to up to a half an hour for post-rock, noise, or ambient music. And the number of ads that played between songs had increased. What was just one every half an hour or so was now two to three for what could potentially be only after seven minutes of music. Pandora really doesn't like it if the music you like includes a lot of songs that are longer than an episode of The Simpsons.

I never hear anybody talk about Pandora anymore. Spotify is THE name in internet music streaming, and it favors listens of entire albums and other people's playlists. I don't like Spotify; sometimes I just want a specific song from a specific album. I could make a playlist of these "work songs," but I like when YouTube notices that I'm listening to music, and in the recommendeds, there's another song that I've listened to on repeat. Why yes, I would like you to play "Classical Homicide" by Dälek for me again. What's that? An hour loop of Deadmau5's "Professional Griefers" featuring Gerard Way? Yes please. I apologize for nothing. That dude's way better than Skrillex.

God, do you guys remember the Deadmau5/Skrillex shipping that was all over Tumblr in the early 2010's. I remember it. I remember it so hard. Everybody shipping them and the members of Daft Punk, posting Steam Powered Giraffe (blech) and Die Antwoord (lol) on my dashboard. In Die Antwoord's defense, they had some pretty funny music videos.

I got AdBlocker for YouTube, so the ads aren't a problem there. I mean, I could make a playlist for Spotify of my go-to songs, but I'd have to deal with ads. And there's something nice about YouTube's robots that sell my precious data to faceless corporations at least having the courtesy to be like "You look like you could use another stream of 'Anything (Viva!)' by Foetus. Or Scraping Foetus off the Wheel. Or... whatever, fuck it, it's J.G. Thirwell's band, okay? It's the guy that does the music for Venture Brothers."

Foetus was introduced to me through a friend but it was Pandora serving me up more of their music that made their albums "nail" and "Flow" ones that got the honor of Being Downloaded onto my iPod so I can Listen to This in my Car. I still use my iPod and even if there's albums that I haven't gone back to in years on there, I like having them there. I haven't listened to the soundtrack for Panty and Stocking in ages but having access to it so that I can FLY AWAY NOW, FLY AWAY NOW, FLY AWAAAYYYY on a long drive? I like having that option.

I still buy CDs so I can burn albums onto my iPod. My iPod doesn't have ads and switching between artists doesn't mean I have to flip through a CD binder. I also try to buy albums off of Bandcamp. Especially for smaller artists, or artists whose work I love enough to want to give them my money. I don't want to listen to ads. It throws off my workflow, shakes me out of the trance-like state that is pure, focused creativity. Whether it's working on comics or thinking about things I want to do in those comics, I'm usually listening to music. Sometimes the same album, hundreds of times over. I admit I haven't listened to that much King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, but I've listened to Nonagon Infinity front to back more times than I can count.

Nowadays it feels like I don't have a lot of friends who share my taste in music. I've so fully entrenched myself in fandom circles that I've been exposed to the average person's taste in music and I'm like "oh yeah, most people aren't as big of a fucking nerd about this as you are." You know how hard it is to get people who aren't music nerds to get into The Residents? Everybody I know that likes them already knew about them before we met, and people who had never heard of them before they met me usually find them deeply weird and never get fucking obsessed with them like I have. I own a physical copy of, not their original version of their album The King and Eye, which is an entire album of them covering Elvis that sounds like this, but the fucking remix of that album that does shit like this to their covers of Elvis songs. And you know what? I love both versions, but that remix of their cover of "Surrender" is a work song.

Listening to music is the only way I can guarantee that I'm actually working on something and not playing with my phone. I guess what I'm saying is... it sure would be nice if Pandora existed like it did back then right now.

Especially because I stopped cleaning up a page of my horrible Deltarune fan comic (MASSIVE Dead Dove warning, not even kidding, the entire story hinges on some very upsetting topics) just to write all this down and make sure there were links to every song in this essay. And like... I've even used the comic as a not-so-clandestine way into tricking them into listening to my music before. Whether it be directly namedropping bands and songs, writing about a specific character's taste in music and using that in the story somehow, or literally just making the title of one of my comic installments... this.

It is really good. 686 listens on YouTube. Absolutely criminal. And the example above? That's me not putting in hundreds of references into the comic and wondering if anybody else has noticed them.

I guess what I'm saying is that I am a huge music nerd, even though I always feel like I'm getting into artists super late (unless they're like Death Grips, but that was only after The Money Store had come out), but I fucking hate Spotify. I want more physical releases that can be preserved digitally, and I don't have the money to get into collecting vinyls as a hobby. All the vinyl I own is toys, and uh... I own a lot of those.

Thank you for reading through pure, uncut music autism mixed in with nostalgia and griping about capitalism because that's apparently where my head is at all the time when I'm not daydreaming my little stories or making up video essays in my head that will never be made. That's why I do stream of consciousness Tumblr essays full of minute details that absolutely are not necessary, but this is how my goddamn ADHD brain works. Now you know what it's like to be in my Discord server.

That post is, of course, pinned in the music channel.

As it should be.

... Fuck Pandora, I don't even fuck with it no more, I miss Grooveshark, weh, my playlist on that site was eight hours long before they shut it down in 2014. Devastated. I was in the middle of using it when it went offline.

Okay now I'm done for real, sorry.

[phonkscribes]

V with a Reader who's strong but has trouble taking care of themselves. Like... they don't brush their hair, they forget to eat, can hardly sleep and it wears down on them. Only he takes notice, looking at them closely and noting how down they get when they aren't fighting or training their skills. It was a miracle he was able to get so close to you with how guarded you were. The first time you met him you nearly hissed, but he was persistent.

"I'll take care of you", he'd muse, to which you'd scowl.

"It's rotten work"

"Not not to me, not if it's you"

There is beauty in the beast, and that's something he wants you to see, wants you to understand and feel. The poet understands that you could crush him in an instant, if your anger ever flared to the point of shoving him away or worst of all- causing you to block out everyone and everything, but he trusts that you wouldn't. You couldn't ever imagine wanting to bring him harm or even trouble, which is why you'd hesitate with every little thing. You're holding your breath, expecting him to suddenly decide that he's tired of you as he urges you to eat, brushing your hair and etc.

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Hey, what if. What if I posted another fic I wrote for the alternate au. One about the events leading up to Jonah becoming an alt.

What. If I did that how funny would that be-

[arolesbianism]

You know, I think the reason I've never been big on the idea of Abigail not actually being Abigail is because it's just so much more fun and fucked up if it Is Abigail and it's partly because of the whole watching your twin die over and over, but it's also because holy shit does Wendy say some shit that sucks so bad to say when Abby is literally Right Next To Him. Like imagine your fucking twin constantly talking about you like you're not there, all while also being constantly held up as the only thing keeping him going, and then he pulls out the "I have nothing worth protecting" and it's just all like godddd this kid's shitty coping mechanism of being an edgelord is causing him to unintentionally be such a dick sometimes and that is so fucking delightful to me. Abby has spent god knows how long watching her twin die and treat her like a past tense and like a concept and most of the cast don't even refer to her by name and it's unclear if she can even talk to them and that's all on top of literally being a ghost who is bound to death seemingly irreversibly and all of that while shes like 12. No wonder she kills moles and rabbits for doing nothing lol

[polyamorouspunk]

smooch <3

!!!!

[arvenconned]

hiiiii I found your Twitter and I absolutely adore it, I had no clue you did requests but I think you'll like mine...

Something small of Reader finding out Kieran wants a baby, but Reader is an upper classman and Director Cyrano's niece! Preferably post-Area Zero Kieran cause I want my sweet pie Kieran food please an thank you mwah

I guess you've liked my tweets about making shonenshotas into fathers....

Warnings: implied AFAB reader, both of you are teenagers he's just a young one while you're an older one, slight babyfever ramblings...

•

•

You're just happy it's over.

When Kieran left for Kitakami, he came back acting so much different, outright refusing to talk to you most times, or plain ignoring you. He'd tell you on occasion he still loved you, but you never felt any real emotion behind it, because you didn't feel loved.

Thankfully, that changed after he took another trip with the person that was upsetting him so much, and he came back acting much like himself once more. The Kieran you fell in love with is now holding your hands, smiling at you, and asking you softly, "How do you feel about having a baby?"

"Huh...?" You've both barely even kissed before, where did he get this from?!

"Cause I've been thinking... That I want a baby, with you, of course, if you don't mind..." His face is getting redder by the moment, so you know this isn't a joke of a prank, Kieran really does want a baby!

"But... We're both still in school... What if I graduate before you do?" Though Blueberry Academy doesn't really have set years like most places, you're still much farther along in your studies than Kieran, and older too.

"I'll work extra hard in all my studies so we can graduate at the same time, I promise. I'm a good battler, my grades are picking up again, you know I can do it!"

Kieran sounds so desperate, it's adorable really, even when he still only had a puppy crush on you, you'd always fold to his cute voice and appearance. Now that you're dating, and it's serious, you can't help but fold more.

"I... will consider it."

"Oh! R-really? You will? I'll be patient, I promise, and I'll work really hard on the meantime so you know I'm serious! I'll even get a part time job here at the academy and—"

"Don't overwork yourself, if I do end up getting pregnant, I'll need your help... Cause I've never had a baby before."

"O-obviously! I know that!" Smiling even wider than before, he hugs you, pressing himself to your chest and nuzzling close, "Just knowing that you're even considering it... I'm so happy."

"Kieran." You look up to see your Uncle standing just a few steps away, your eyes opening wide in embarrassment at being caught with your boyfriend snuggled up so close to you. "What are you doing with my darling niece, huh?"

The kindness in his voice sounds strained, and you can't help but laugh, "We're just hugging!"

"In the hallways to class! Everyone else has already cleared out— get to your classrooms before I have to separate you two love pidoves myself!"

At that, Kieran finally pulls away from you, gazing at you with sparkling begging eyes, so you press a quick kiss to his lips just before he's pulled away by the arm, your Uncle taking him down the hall while your adorable lover mouths 'I love you' and blows a kiss.

You catch it, and make a small show of kissing your palm, and then he's pulled around the corner of the hallway, out of sight.

A baby, huh... That's something you're going to have to put a lot of thought into... But Kieran is really attractive, girls fawn over him all the time even if he's unaware of it, and you don't want to lose him to some tramp who will just say yes without thinking! Not that you think he'd ever leave you, but you don't need to give him a reason either.

You love Kieran, and it's not like you mind babies, so a baby with Kieran might be just what you need to get accustomed to them.

Hmm, you'll do your best too, for Kieran. Maybe you should give him an answer tonight... Alone, in his dorm room. He's not that patient, after all.

[l0vem41l]

star stickers and best efforts.

「 tws + notes: no tws, unedited, hurt/comfort but 100% not at all, reader is mildly mean when nervous LIKE A BAD DOG /ref and most definitely written self-indulgently by accident, sun is mildly condescending, they r each others best supporters, mentions of a customer being rude but rly nothing crazy, sun uh... he's an interesting fella, BIGGG dialogue chunks im sorry im sorry 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic <3 」

↳ ft. the daycare attendant/sun/sundrop

author's note: my wip title was literally just "the one where you're yelled at" :p but... hiiii!!! obligatory return to fnaf real quick becuz,,, no, i still havent gotten into the ruin dlc but YES i do love sun's personality in help wanted 2..... if this is ooc u can erm. shove me into wet concrete. (。﹏。) aaannywayz!! missed this!!! missed this so much!!!! ( ╯□╰ ) sorry for not valentine's day posting,,, scandalous ik since im lit rally Called Valentine. but oh well. enjoy! or dont. if you dont im sorry please request fnaf stuff so i can Fix That /srs

if you weren't relying on this job to put food on your table and a roof on your head, you’d burn the freddy fazbear’s mega pizzaplex to the ground for a piece of pocket lint and a pat on the head.

maybe it’s a bit dramatic to say that— you're paid well, you like your mostly robot coworkers, and most of the time (emphasis on most and not always) the work is manageable enough.

the customers are another story.

sun notices the minute you walk in the daycare. you look like you're a minor inconvenience away from murder— which naturally, makes him feel inclined to prod a little.

“well, someone’s awfully sulky today!”

while you’d typically crack a smile at the upbeat jester animatronic, his enthusiasm in the face of your misery is grating. there’s no energy left in your body to banter with him— you were using most of it to drag your feet over to the shoe caddy, toolbox in hand to fix up its shelf, now hanging askew due to a busted bracket.

“can it, sunny, i don't wanna hear it.” you mutter, more venomous than you intend it to be. he doesn’t even blink at your grumpiness. instead, he happily holds up the shelf while you inspect it and grab a new bracket to secure it.

at least he’s trying to make himself useful. you think to yourself.

his faceplate tilts slightly, staring at you with that ever present grin. his staring isn’t really helping, but you don’t fault him for it. you’ve gotten used to his antics by now. “woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” sun questions.

you shake your head.

“got yelled at by a customer— now, if you could please just drop the topic—” you sigh exasperatedly, not even bothering to finish the sentence as you sit down cross legged in front of the shoe caddy, slumping slightly in defeat.

much too persistent for his own good, sun decides that inquiring even further about the incident that seems to have you beat down is a good idea. “what’d you do?”

you consider feigning offense as he insinuates it’s somehow your fault. but you don’t. you just shrug it off.

“my job.” 

“ah, they do hate it when you do that.” he tuts.

“it wasn’t even that big of a deal,” you mutter, getting the bracket in place and marking it, “this one kid just so happened to walk up to the arcade machine i was putting an out of order sign on. i felt bad, so like, obviously, i hand the kid a few tokens, apologize politely, explain— and you’d think it’s all good right?”

you pause mid-ramble as you fix up the shelf. in all your misery, you forgot that you don’t even know exactly what caused the shelf to collapse like this. you consider asking.

sun leans in just a bit too close, interrupting your train of thought as you stare at the shelf. when you glance at him, he gives you a little nod.

go on, he seems to say wordlessly. he’s waiting silently for you to continue your story. it’s never not unnerving when he’s quiet.

“...anyways, uh... the kid’s dad came by and got mad or something. didn’t understand why i couldn’t just let him play one game since it looked perfectly functional— keep in mind, this is the arcade machine that literally kept eating up tokens only to not function, and shocked kids when it did— so i kept trying to explain why i couldn’t exactly do that. but for some reason, it was such a big fucking deal—”

“language.” he chides.

“...fricking deal. of course, i had to be berated for it. i offered to grab them more faz-tokens as compensation and i thought the problem was solved... and then i checked and saw he still left a bad review. definitely gonna hear about that from management.” sun hands you a tool as you continue to speak.

“but now i’m upset, i’m definitely in trouble, and my face hurts from the whole customer service smile i was holding that entire conversation. like seriously, i don’t know how i’m expected to do that 24/7.” you stop at your last remark and stare at sun and his unchanging expression. “...my bad.”

the awkward silence only lasts for a moment, thankfully. you’ve spoken your piece— sun decides to speak his.

“you did your best.” he says simply, as you finally fix the shelf into place. he pats you on the head and doesn't even hide his amusement when you sulk.

“i know that tone, sunny, you're making fun of me—”

“poor thing.” he continues, grinning brightly as he makes a show of patronizing you. sun’s hand continues to pat the top of your head gently, like he would when consoling a child. or when greeting a dog. has he,,, ever seen a dog before? probably not.

you groan and manage to shove his arm away.

“i do mean it though,” he continues, his tone still lighthearted— but notably more earnest as he notes your expression. sun helps you put your tools away neatly back into the toolbox, even though it really is just a one-man job.

“you tried your best,” sun closes the toolbox with a flourish and a click, “...and for that—!”

with a dramatic flick of his wrist, bells jingling as he does, sun produces a gold star sticker from… somewhere. he holds it up for you to see.

and then gently presses it onto the tip of your nose.

“to my favoritest human employee here! and my bestest of friends!” it’s hard to bite back a smile at those words. even if his little show of empathy and affection is much too theatrical for your current mood.

“whatever.” you shrug a little, unable to stop the corners of your mouth from twitching into a little grin. standing up and grabbing the toolbox, you give him an awkward thumbs up.

“thanks. and uh… sorry. for being mean. i guess.”

sun shakes his head dismissively, bouncy and bright as ever. “oh, don't mention it!”

something about his seeming lack of offense towards your prickliness makes you feel even more guilty. still, he gives you a wave as you head out, “bye-bye”-ing happily as you walk away, sticker stuck to your nose and smile on your face like an idiot.

you decide you’ll find a way to make it up to him later. you figure he deserves that much for putting up with everything.

meanwhile, sun is taking mental notes on more stuff to break of whenever you’ve been away for too long. just in case, of course. maybe you’d have more interesting customer encounters to rant about. and hey, you could use the company, couldn’t you?

— reblogs always appreciated!

[mxttellion]

🏳️‍🌈 for any character you want (this is for the ask game)

killing two birds with one stone or whatever they say and I'm answering both of these with a doodle lmao

sexuality and disability headcanon for the only two fuckers in my head right now

here you go lol also more ramblings down below because I did say I wanted to yap

- Paul is unlabeled to me, he never bothered to find a label that fits his sexuality. Considering he never had a lot of relationships he never bothered to do a bit of introspection in that regard.

Patryck is a whole different beast- he's SOOO closeted. "wish I was straight" type of deal. "I wish I could kiss guys but I'm not gay" type. He's a mess. Considering he was also more "active" compared to Paul before the army, it would mean he had the time to experiment. But he never did. He had thoughts about guys but always assumed it was more of a "gender envy" or whatever thing rather than genuine attraction

- I did talk about Paul's eye once- but never too much in depth, neither did i for Patryck's chronic pains now that I think about it. Like I previously said in a past post, Paul got his eye scarred during the asdfland incident. He consequently lost sight of said eye, considering it was heavily damaged. Not enough to remove it completely, as it is still there, however it is paralyzed and can't move it. He can still close his eyelid though. I imagine he had to wear an eye patch for the first few months maybe- and then decided to just. Uncover it

Patryck has always had chronic pains since he was little- in fact that was part of the reason he was so sheltered and . Generally just bad at any sort of physical activity (not that it mattered anyway, he Does prioritize more intellectual hobbies / interests than anything physical). I'm gonna be real with you chat this is HEAVY self projection HOWEVER I think most of his pain is located on joints and muscles, which means he has to. Stop and take a break from heavy physical activity every now and then. How is he in the army, again......

[jewishvitya]

I just wanted to thank you so much for all of your insight and generosity with your perspective as an anti-zionist israeli, something you absolutely don't owe us but I feel immense amounts of respect and admiration for. from an American jew, it's been so valuable to know there are people like you out there, it's made everything feel much less hopeless despite all the hopelessness. I've felt very alone recently, surrounded by all the Jewish people in my life who are pro-israel and don't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation and my pro-palestine gentile friends, and I've felt very alone in my grief as I've only really started to unpack and dismantle my own biases very recently. reading your posts and your perspective on everything has just made me feel very seen as a jew in this situation, especially as I try to reconcile my feelings about everything going on with my own feelings about my faith and my identity.

you've probably seen that I've gone through a lot of your posts and that I've followed you. i just want you to know that I'm not necessarily following you just for that, I know you're just a fandom blog, it's just that after looking through your posts I feel like you're just a really nice person and seeing yoi on my dash from you would be endearing coming from you even though im not into it myself.

just. thank you again for sharing your story and continuing to share. you have no idea how much it's helped me.

I'm in tears. I've been crying way more than usual over the past couple of months, but it's nice for a change to have those tears to come from being touched instead of grief. I apologize if I'm going to ramble.

You say I didn't owe you all this, but I do feel responsible. I'm watching so much destruction and seeing how comfortable people around me are with the loss of life. This is why I've been talking about what we do and not as much about the impact of October 7 on me or people I know. I did a bit of that in the beginning, but pretending it was the start of everything to keep going back to that one day, after two months of horror, as if I can't count past 7... I didn't choose to be born where I am, I didn't choose to grow up in the most extremist community this place has to offer. But since I'm here, since I'm comfortable at the expense of Palestinians and violence is being done in my name and I have the tools to highlight issues within my society, I think it's a moral obligation.

I know how I talk about things here, and that's genuinely because I don't want to minimize the severity of the racism and the nationalism in Israel. And someone perceived my words as showing hatred for Israelis. But... I love my people. I don't expect those who see or experience our violence to feel the same or even understand me, but I do. It's my neighbors and my childhood friends and my family. It's children I see playing outside and getting excited when they see I have a cat, and the random people who stop me in the street and give me directions if they think I look lost.

Even growing up in the West Bank settlements, the people were very good to me. I needed years to internalize the fact that this kindness doesn't get extended to you if you're not part of the in-group. It broke my heart. It still does. Seeing people who I know are capable of kindness and compassion, hardening themselves against the pain of other human beings. Closing their eyes and telling themselves it isn't real. It's all an act.

I told a friend I feel like I'm betraying my mom, who was deeply bigoted, but also a wonderful mother. She taught me a lot of the principles that are guiding me now - I just took down the walls she put around who deserves to be considered. She'd be horrified with seeing the things I'm saying if she was still alive. But she taught me to care about people, I just decided it means all people.

Everyone should be prioritizing Palestinian liberation, and at the same time, I care about this too. I care about the morality of my people. I need us to be better than this. I want to dismantle the nationalism that teaches us hate and violence so we can start to heal and come to terms with what we did (and still do) here. I want us to fix what we can and hold ourselves accountable. I want us to reimagine safety in a way that doesn't cause harm, and build good relationships with the rest of humanity. Every marginalized community is experiencing bigotry in interactions with every other community, that's just how these things work. But I believe healing the world, and healing my society, is possible.

And it's hard, because so much of what we learn is rooted in truth. Antisemitism is real. Millennia of persecution are real. The trauma we carry is real. If the idea of an ethnostate makes us feel safe, and the idea of losing it makes us scared, how do we differentiate between fear as a natural reaction to antisemitic violence and fear that was taught to us for the sake of nationalism? Especially those of us living in Israel, immersed in the propaganda. It doesn't matter in practice, our feelings of safety or fear don't justify an ethnostate, especially not one built on top of another nation, but it matters for the conversations I have with people.

And I said that the violence I'm seeing feels like an attack on my identity. Seeing a giant hannukiyah in Gaza, when Hannukah tells the story of occupied people fighting off their oppressors. Seeing images that echo so much of the horrors that were done to us. The Magen David being used with hate and spite. It's all so painful. And I love this land, it's the only home I've known, so seeing us destroying nature and soaking it with blood and calling that connection?

Judaism does guide me here. The concept of tikkun olam. The idea of לא עליך המלאכה לגמור ולא אתה בין חורין לבטל ממנה - doing what I can, even if what I'm able to do isn't some decisive blow that entirely turns the tide. The idea that every human being is a whole entire world, to me it means that every single person alive is worth fighting for. So no matter how much death I see, there's still worlds more to save.

And Jewitches had this post that felt just healing to read. Nationalism hijacked our culture, and it will always leave a mark for centuries into the future. But I'm not letting go, and I'm not letting that create a rift between me and thousands of years full of history I can be proud of.

I feel your grief. And I'm grateful for the anti-zionist Jews I met by talking about this, because honestly, I need you people in my life. The pain and the anger are both easier to hold together.

So, thank you for following. I might follow back, just to see you around on my feed. And thank you for sending this. Feel free to message me anytime for any reason (I promise it won't result in a lecture every time).

Also, your url gave me pjo nostalgia

[zooliminology]

Update/What's in the Future

[Hey guys, you probably have noticed that this is going to be likely the longest dry spell of real Zoolim content in a while. I apologize for this. Life has gotten in the way of a lot of things.

-I'm an art student in college, and last semester I didn't take any art classes so I was basically free to do whatever, but this semester I've taken three studio art classes, which are all very intensive and in honesty I would not recommend it! If you're a studio art student stick to 1-2 studio art classes a semester so you don't go insane please! I'm currently absolutely SWAMPED with work right now. -The Golbo video and the video that is imminently due this Tuesday (that i am writing this post about instead of working on) are the results of my New Media class. Considering the ten thousand million fucking art assets I have to draw for these it's been very time consuming (still want to do it though.) -A lot of life things have happened to me recently, not to be super personal but a family member of mine is sick and my living conditions are not the absolute Best, so it's been taking a heavy toll on my health.

All of these combined, especially the studio classes part because I've been bled dry of creativity energy relating to zoolim basically, has caused this dry spell basically. My hopes are that after the semester ends (which is soon) I'll be able to work on things more. I feel bad about not working on it more but I have to draw things other than zoolim to literally stay sane because it's a lot.

So I guess that leaves us with one question: what's in the future?

Well, a lot of things... maybe? I'm a little dry on entity ideas right now but i have a few, and I'd like to revisit some entities more and expand on them. And while I enjoy the videos and the non-entry ideas I have for material, I would also like to continue the 'traditional' paintings and entries. So I hope I can work on that alongside other things! I also have more ideas for videos, but considering how I have to do nearly all of the work, aside from the narration (thanks Darvinos) any video production will likely slow down dramatically after the semester is over. Until my next New Media class at least, but IDK if it will let me make the same shit.

I also have some deeper lore and a story semi-figured out, along with characters (you ever wonder who's taking the pictures? not the same person who's writing the captions!!!) but they would be hard to implement in this tumblr blog organically, so maybe they'll show up in some videos. I've thought of asking more people for help for this purpose, though I'd need to work out completely how that would work, and the moment that zoolim becomes more than some backrooms world i work on mostly by myself will become scary.

Sorry that this post is a big ramble, I hope yall understand and I swear the Longlegs video will come out pretty soon, it will be worked on again right after I post this lol. But please take care, and thank you for all the support you've shown me so far. It truly does mean a lot to me. I've said it several times but I'll say it again, I never imagined this shitty little art project about weird goobers in the backrooms would get so much attention lol.

ok end of post]

[general-cyno]

I sort of rambled about this in the tags of a post, but I wanted to make a proper one myself since I find it very fascinating (law backstory flashback you will always be famous). so one of my favorite scenes is this one:

it is a very meaningful moment for these two, a very clear turning point to their dynamic at that time, and it's made even clearer by how law starts referring to rocinante as cora-san afterwards.

now, there are several instances throughout dressrosa arc where the similarities between doflamingo and law are mentioned, with the former going as far as to call them both birds of a feather. and as it's shown in the flashbacks, reading about flevance was enough to trigger doflamingo's traumatizing memories of his and rocinante's childhood, which seems to motivate him to bring law into the family. the way law seeks to lash out at everything then is reminiscent of doflamingo's own worldview and experiences, at least from his pov:

rocinante noticed those similarities as well and though he tried to (questionably) discourage all kids from joining the DQ pirates by scaring them away, law's case in particular prompted him to bring up the topic with sengoku at some point, as seen during sengoku's conversation with law.

sengoku repeats what everyone says about the amber lead disease, that it's incurable, and warns rocinante not to favor law much for it could jeopardize his mission. whether rocinante's agreement here was reluctant or not ig is up to each reader but learning of law's real/full name (his relation to the D clan) reignites his initial worries and some more, considering the historic opposition/threat the D represents wrt celestial dragons and how this could endanger him if doflamingo were to find out.

so there's even bigger reasons for rocinante to not want law to become doflamingo 2.0. though as he later admits amidst his drunken speech, the will of D no longer matters to him when it comes to saving law, as rocinante's journey to cure his disease ends up making him feel genuine sympathy for law beyond that. he's forced to witness first hand how much discrimination and dehumanization law's subjected to time and time again, because of his disease and ties to flevance. before all this, law's mentioned his imminent death more than a few times and does it after too. and during the first disastrous hospital visit, he tells rocinante: see? I'm not even human anymore!

which brings me to this bit of dialogue:

for all of law's similarities and/or parallels to doflamingo, it's worth noting that rocinante experienced the same things his brother did and due to his younger age probably understood even less of what was happening or why they were being targeted in the first place. compared to doflamingo, rocinante also has way less dialogue in their backstory but one he does have is this:

this happens in the part where rocinante, doflamingo and their father are strung up on a wall and shot at with arrows. the villagers all express their anger, grief, the violence and suffering they've gone through because of celestial dragons like the donquixotes. albeit different in nature, along with doflamingo, rocinante experienced a kind of dehumanization as well.

so, again: for all that law might resemble doflamingo the most, I do wonder... how much of himself did rocinante see in law, though subconsciously? a kid who lost his family, subjected to the kind of violence that led him to resign himself to death (seek it, even) and was treated by others as inhuman because of circumstances out of his control? it might've not been what rocinante believed to be his own motivations to help law, likely never actually saw or realized the similarities they shared, but imo it adds some more depth to his kindness and sympathy towards law.

this also marks a stark difference between the donquixote brothers. whereas doflamingo got caught up in a very vicious cycle (which traces back to the existence of celestial dragons as a whole and was further enabled by others like trebol) that he planned to continue with law, rocinante was able to see past law's rage and acknowledge the pain beneath. after all, rocinante knows too what it's like to be hurt by others who've been terribly hurt first and became someone who wasn't exactly keen on returning the sentiment, unlike doflamingo, regardless of whether it was in his nature to be so or if it's something that was nurtured as he grew up. that's not to say rocinante was an endlessly kind saint (he had his own biased views) or that he wasn't capable of violence (he did beat up all those medical staff and burn down hospitals for example), but those incidents weren't caused by a sense of entitlement on his part or such. he didn't blame law for stabbing him or in general for seeking revenge against the world, ultimately chose to protect and save him instead - which, indeed, changed law's life. as law presently insists, he owes cora not just that very life but his heart as well.

lastly - law himself might not disagree with doflamingo insisting they're of the same sort, but law is also the kid who couldn't fathom leaving his dying little sister behind. who softened and lowered his guard after receiving genuine kindness/love/sympathy for the first time in years. who saved a little mink and risked his own neck later on to save a boy who'd just lost his brother in the worst way possible. who didn't even consider putting his crew in danger when he knew (and expected) he might die and his whole revenge plan against doflamingo was rooted in love and grief to begin with, the same upon which the foundation of his crew was built and is a tribute to. last we saw of him, law orders bepo to go back in winner island because can't leave the crew behind, etc etc, so there's that too. how much of it is law's own nature and personality? how much is due to the impact cora had on him? both? would've doflamingo turned out differently or made different choices if his parents had tried harder to school him out of those CD views or if he'd had more positive influences aside from them, instead of the people he ended up surrounded by? would he have become the same kind of person he is rn no matter what? interesting stuff to think about.

[fatuismooches]

Hi hi, it's me muzzle anon again ! How are you? I hope you are doing well, also sorry for this long rambling-

I juST remembered that when lyney and lynette were announced (?) some people thought that they would be One playable character, so I immediately thought how fragile reader and dottore being one playable character lol

just switching between them when you do a charge attack like furina's ability but instead of just color palate changing, a whole new person gets on the field lol

It's fun to imagine what their voiceline would be :]

Especially if we imagine that the only reason you would switch would be because they are in a fight when changing so the voicelines would be worried and/or intense?

And also fragile!reader being a support character and dottore being a DPS would fit the whole "we only need/have each other" mindset going on ?

ALSO ALSO when you add them to your team they could come into the screen dancing? Waltzing into their section then standing close to each other <3 evil couple being cool vibes

Their idle and voicelines probably would be still the same ?, talking as if the other is not there but maybe one special idle is like that one twirle/dance (?) idle from honkai star rail with Clara and Svarog? OH and Clara stumbles in that idle and svarog catches her , makes sense since fragile reader stumbles while trying to dance too so Dottore catches them by their waist and smirks, sharp teeth full display

...Also you know how characters has voicelines for hits/ damage? Reader and Dottore could have voicelines for warning each other to be careful, especially Dottore getting very worried when reader takes a heavy hit but when it comes to other characters he just goes scara mode maybe worse than, "Why are you even here?" or similiar to xiao going, "Weak."

(And maybe reader comparing the character that took damage to Dottore, praising him while degrading them gently lol <3)

Tho I'm not really sure how the teapot would work lol maybe there would be an option to switch them like you switch from night to day lol OR they automatically change when it's day/night I imagine that fragile reader would like the day time more and Dottore night, because he is a shady guy (and also because when he looks up to stars he remembers the Akademia days he had with reader and how they used to also stare at the stars <3)

With them being considered one character, now they are together forever <3

Sorry for the long message again <3 also english is not my first language so sorry if some parts seem weird I just rambled a lot without checking since i got very excited of the idea of a playable reader after the last post ehehe anyway hope u and everyone has a nice night/day!

- muzzle anon

OH MY GOSH NFKFEWFE I JUST LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MUZZLE ANON... ugh fragile reader and Dottore being playable is so real!! And i too remember that about the twins!! man that was really long ago huh? Anyway...

I ADORE the idea of them switching while doing a charge attack!! omfgrfwfr I can just imagine reader doing a dramatic, fancy pose and then it switches to Dottore rolling his eyes at your antics and adjusting his gloves... ugh he loves to indulge you, doesn't he? And hear me out too: instead of pneuma/ousia... two different elements/weapons too. They're just meta like that 😌 and extra supports who? Bennett? Nah, we don't need him. Reader is all the support Dottore needs to one-shot everyone <3 I imagine Dottore is the one who tries to hoard the screen time (he prefers to fight instead of you, he's worried about you pushing yourself too hard, but eventually he has to realize that he has to let you do your own thing too... he's hella overprotective still)

THE ADDING THEM INTO YOUR PARTY ANIMATION... CHEF'S KISS. I like to imagine reader is the one who tries to take the lead in this stuff :) Because even though they're still sick they're better than before, so they want to take advantage of that as much as they can and show Dottore how much they've changed :) You pull him into the frame of the screen and he twirls you around as you fall back into his chest, hands still intertwined :3 (traveler looking at your dramatic asses) AND THE IDEA OF DOTTORE CATCHING FRAGILE READER DURING THEIR IDLES...... UGHREGR WHY DO YOU BLESS ME WITH SO MANY GOOD IDEAS. Reader trying their best to hide their lousy skills from Dottore so they can get better on their own, but nope! You should have known that your husband is always watching you, nothing gets past him! He catches you by the waist only to pull you back up with ease and spin you around flawlessly, chuckling as you stumble right back into his chest.

Dottore would straight up not care at ALL about the other members if they got hurt 💀, I imagine he'd only speak if anything happened to you, or he'd be condescending about how useless they were 💀 reader is similar but they're nicer to others, like if a fellow Harbinger got hurt, they'd worry, but if it was an Archon or someone that annoys them, in general, they'd just laugh at them (and receive little to no healing)

In the teapot, I like to imagine they have two separate bodies there when you place them, so they just always stand next to close to each other. When you talk to either of them, both of them will end up having a conversation with you. Also, when you make them specific furnishings they like each of them and will comment on the other's tastes lol (Dottore - makeshift lab, you - cozy Sumerian room)

"Huh, will it kill you to put away the research? You do not need a lab in the teapot, dear."

"Oh, but I do, [Name]. How else will I make your medicine?"

"Ah... sorry about that. How about you come to my room later so we can relax?"

Traveler: ...

They are truly the embodiment of do not separate.

UGH I CAN GO ON AND ON ABOUT THEM!! 😭 let's not forget the matching skins... you and him in the Akademiya's uniforms again ;) AND DONT APOLOGIZE MUZZLE ANON!! I LOVE THIS AND LONG ASKS!!

[talktolwt]

I would like to focus on the music chosen for Hob Gadling's 80s sequence.

I'm extremely late to the world of The Sandman (finally binged it two weeks ago after my mother had been begging me to watch it with her and now I'm more obsessed than her) Bottom line: I'm unbelievably glad I finally watched this beautiful piece of television.

I have yet to read the comics but as for the first season, I have to say, without a doubt, my favorite episode is Chapter 6: The Sound of Her Wings. Death's 20-min segment is a beauty unto itself, but I'll be focusing on Hob's segment today. Specifically, his 80s scenes.

Considering I'm so late to this fandom and exploring all of its wondrous details and themes, excuse me if this has already been noted. I've been thinking about these details over and over but I need to get it out there in the Sandman world and hear everyone else's thoughts.

*Also excuse the terrible photos - Netflix doesn't let you screenshot and I was too lazy to get another app to let me bypass it. Please bear with my photos of my laptop screen.*

There are three songs that play throughout this sequence.

#1 - "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals

I accidentally deleted half my post mid-writing this but here I go again.

As we can see, after the breakup scene, we open up on Hob Gadling (he looks amazing in his 80s look, by the way) and this song plays.

Here are the lyrics:

I mean - where do I even start LMAO.

*Let me just give another note - regardless if you ship Dreamling romantically or not, I will be merely analyzing these lyrics as they are and how they convey Hob's feelings for Dream in general. But, I mean, the songs are THERE, the text is THERE. So do with that what you will.*

This will go for the following two songs as well, but these songs are placed with meaningful intention. Each of these offer a unique lens and dive into Hob's feelings.

I won't be annoying and over-explain anything, but the lyrics are clear I feel:

"She drives me crazy" - cough

"Things you do don't seem real" - in Hob's view, Dream literally is an enigma. Hob has no idea the capacities, the limits, and even the name of this being he meets every century.

"This waiting 'round's killing me" - well.

"Everything you say is lies" - now I wouldn't say particularly lies, but Dream does keep and omit things from Hob. Understandably, Hob would find himself in a confused limbo with Dream.

Here's the kicker:

"I won't make it on my own/No one likes to be alone." - HELLO. I mean, if this isn't the core message and pinnacle of Dream and Hob's lesson to immortality.

As Death mentions earlier in the episode, around 18:10, "Most of us will be glad for the company of a friend."

I feel I could go on forever and ever about the beauty of this episode and how well The Sound of Her Wings and Men of Good Fortune intertwine. They beautifully complement each other as stories lamenting the dichotomy of life and death, and the joys of humanity.

But essentially, Death reteaches Dream how beautiful humans can truly be, and in this pivotal moment, she says this zinger of a line. The camera was initially on Death but for THIS line, it cuts to Dream.

BECAUSE - poor Dream is definitely in need a friend.

Which is then shown to the audience by the 30-min long Hob Gadling sequence that ensues, and we see Dream's aversion to needing someone, to needing a friend.

But I digress - back to the song, and that one line about not wanting to be alone.

That is such a poignant line, because as much as Dream felt alone and needed company, so does Hob? An immortal, constantly seeing the death of others around him, his companions and family long gone, he needs someone.

Considering this 80s sequence ruminates so heavily on post-breakup feelings, Hob is missing Dream dearly. His constant in life.

I'm rambling too much, onto the next one!

#2 - "Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz

Time skip to perhaps a few hours later, who knows. We see Hob still waiting for Dream, alone in the pub.

Hm.

Literally what else could I say. I'm being slapped in the face with pining and angst and longing.

Here are the lyrics:

Some noteworthy lyrics:

"So much for your promises/They died the day you let me go" - this breakup man

"Caught up in a web of lies" - another lie motif

"I thought it was you/Who would stand by my side" - the theme of Dream and Hob being constants in each other's lives

"Shattered dreams" - I could scream. The title of the song. SHATTERED. DREAMS. giggling rn.

"Woke up to reality" - I think that's a very interesting line toeing between the constant references of the Waking and the Dreaming

Basically, I've been noting these evident similarities within the songs to align themselves to Dream and Hob's situation, and it's clear that the director/writers chose these songs with intent of it paralleling Dreamling.

So that makes it even more insane when lines like "From this empty heart" are meant to parallel Hob. Like.

Okay, last song.

#3 - "Keep On Moving" by Soul II Soul

This song plays as the night progresses. It's late, it's clear Dream isn't showing up, and Hob is feeling pretty final about that, and perhaps he's accepted it at this point. Dream isn't coming.

So this is where he speaks to the bartender and that scene ensues.

Here are the lyrics:

The themes of time and clocks are super prevalent within this song, and again it's once more clear how heavily this reflects and represents Hob.

Noteworthy lyrics:

"Why do people choose to live their lives this way?" - I think this also uniquely touches on the general aspect of humanity and one's reason to live/love life. Dream battles with his confusion/slight disappointment for humanity at the beginning, as he asks Death, "Why would any sensible creature crave an eternity of this?" And then Hob helps Dream realize why there's so much to live for. (24:30)

"I know the time will come today/The time will come one day"

"Walking alone in my own way" - Again this idea of walking alone and needing company.

"You'll be in my life, my life always" - Dream and Hob being constants again.

This all goes to say - Hob cares. He cares for Dream.

And I just think that's very beautiful. The magnitude with which Dream's absence means to him and how much their friendship/companionship both means to each of them. I just think their connection is a beautiful thing that I love seeing and rewatching. Wonderfully, these songs give the audience even more layered insight into this connection.

This was super long, and I apologize if I went on some tangents. But I also just couldn't help it, The Sandman is so incredibly rich in its storytelling and its connections and dynamics that I had to write this all down. I also just very much appreciate the amount of care and detail that goes into every aspect of television, and needle drops such as these three songs are no exception.

Thank you for sticking with me through this! Can't wait for season 2!

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

Meet the Parents Part 2

Okay, once again, I rambled for too long and needed to do a second part. Sorry that this post is also coming delayed, real life stuff comes first.

Part 1 to be up to speed!

You know? Maybe it was for the best that the post got cut short, I realized of a small detail that didn't notice yesterday.

The sequence where this four frames are from last around a 1 or 2, I am not really doing this in any professional fashion so I cannot say the exact time; but it is pretty quick, even at half speed.

But you can see how for a moment, Gwen either realizes this is not going well, or drops the enthusiastic persona for a second. Either way, I think it shows that this is not going how she expected.

While Gwen hasn't heard enough to know it was a bad idea using their first names, I don't doubt that Miles talks about them fondly.

She got along well with May and Ben (I notice later that there are some flashbacks including Ben.) And that probably meant a lot to her because you can see how prevalent was the relationship between those families, eating together, talking, etc. Almost like a family.

I don't think Gwen would like to replace Peter and his family, but Miles is not a replacement of Peter anyways. She probably wanted meeting them (Even if I am sure she didn't want to have this meeting today,) would run a lot more smoother.

Because she knows Miles loves his parents, and they do sound like good people; she didn't even seem to think this could actually turn so awkward.

This moment just last a couple of seconds at best, so this goes fairly quickly.

And again, I am not saying this because I want to paint Miles' parents in a bad light; even if they are not giving a fair shot to Gwen, all things consider they are been extremely patient with Miles.

(I really need to do a post about that.)

Now going back to where we left it.

Oh this scene is so hard for me to see.

(Sorry, but DAMN the representation here; this didn't exactly happen to me, but similar enough that is giving me the most embarrassing flashbacks. No I am not saying this is an universal experience, just very painfully real to me.)

Okay, Miles' parents are being over protective here? Oh for sure.

While I think their actions are very logical and understandable once you remember they have no idea what Miles is doing; this is really the part where Rio and Jeff shows us they also need to mature in this movie.

And I don't say it as an insult; a lot of parents have trouble with this transition, and Miles is their first and only child; with said child suddenly not acting as the same kid anymore.

(Sidenote; I am surprised Miles doesn't have any siblings, Jeff and Rio look so in love I am surprised it didn't happen.)

I love how Gwen just takes her hand back, like "well damn I didn't even get a date with him and his parents already are telling me to back off."

Also oof, poor Miles. Honestly forget three months this is probably worse than that already.

Rio making that joke is painfully realistic and let's move on to the other part of that dialogue.

I think Rio and Jeff aren't just trying to establish some rules with Miles (considering the amount he has broken today,) but they also need to reaffirm themselves of being able to dictate what's going on Miles's life.

Again, this is coming just after they grounded him, and then he dipped out. They are feeling they are losing him.

I love Rio, I do, but ma'am this is how you get your kid to keep even more secrets for you.

Not much else to say here, this is the lesson she and Jeff need to learn. Miles is (probably) still hating being alive right now; and Gwen is somehow able to keep that composed face despite everything which has to be one of her most impressive feats in this film.

I honestly have to feel it for Gwen right now.

She probably knows the alert her watch is giving her is bad news, so she really doesn't have another choice.

Forget not making a good impression with Jeff and Rio, now she just lost her chance to have a decent goodbye with Miles.

At this point I don't think she would had admitted to herself this couldn't happen again, I think even now she hoped for another chance later down the line. But there is no idea to know when.

I have no idea what she would had said if she had the chance to say goodbye on her own terms, to his face; but it was certainly not what she ended up doing.

Girl, 3 years being spiderwoman and you can't still come up with good lies for situations like this?

Ok I cannot blame her for not being able to come with up with something better; this entire conversation was already not going well and now she basically needs to flee, which doesn't help.

Oof, look at Miles's face, he really looks so heartbroken here.

For all the awkwardness Gwen has sported during this conversation, this is among her most natural expressions; while she is probably not stranger for dipping early, I do think this is not how she wanted to leave.

Gwen really didn't want to leave, at least not leave Miles. While she couldn't really explain what was going on, I think she wanted to let him no that this isn't about his parents or him, she wouldn't be going out if she didn't have any other choice really.

Jeff hasn't really said much during this conversation, mostly having judgy stares at most, but you can see his expression become a bit more open once he sees Gwen's behaviour change.

Rio I think is trying to maintain a mask because she probably also caught on this looking a bit off, but also because is around here that she starts to realizing how much Gwen means to Miles.

I think is also around this point that Rio seemed to want to say something else.

She could just be trying to say goodbye, but I think her expression and her hand point out more than she actually wanted to intervene here.

I am pretty sure that regardless of how Jeff and Rio felt about Gwen, they didn't want to make her run away like that.

Because again, they are missing context; Gwen is leaving because the Spot flee and she just got herself into a mess, Miles knows this is related to spidey issues.

But as far as Jeff and Rio are concerned, this girl tried to be friendly (way too friendly for their liking but friendly nonetheless,) and is now running away after Rio decided to play Mother Hen.

(Sorry, that joke may not be understandable in english. Mama Gallina/Mother Hen is an expression used a lot in my country for moms that are very protective of their kids.)

Oh, this shot.

This is an interesting comparison because when Miles heard that Gwen was leaving, he looked so crestfallen; she could see it so did his parents but he didn't register the fact that it was so pain this was for him.

Gwen maintained a somewhat composed face to them, but on this shot that she is giving everyone the back, she looks so sad.

This, is basically their relationship in a nutshell. Miles wears his heart in his sleeve and can't help himself on it, and Gwen tries her hardest to keep her emotions at bay, but everything so often they creep back.

This is awkward, and it looks awkward, and this is really more into speculation territory than analysis, but I think she did it because she wanted to go for a hug, or similar.

I had mentioned in other posts how I believe Gwen is an affectionate person, or at least, someone who likes and seeks physical affection to those important to her.

The way she went to hug her dad both at the beginning and end show how much she craves affection; and how she barely contained herself before hugging Miles tells me not just that she probably has even less people to hug nowadays, but how much important he is to her.

But she probably doesn't want to upset his parents more, and his mom told her just a minute ago to basically leave Miles alone; so this was the best she could think of.

Nobody is really happy. Even Rio and Jeff are realizing how uncomfortable is Gwen; thought again, they are probably thinking this is all their fault.

This is really the moment when Rio and Jeff are probably realizing that whatever the heck is going on with Gwen and Miles, is important to them, or at least Miles.

Again, Jeff and Rio are worried, and they have no idea what Gwen's situation is, Miles mentioned she left town but they didn't even believe she existed prior this so they probably doesn't think that's case. Or even if it was, well, keeping contact can't be that hard in this day and age right?

(Sadly, Miles really needed to fall in love with a girl who to get in contact with you need technology from another timeline.)

Miles is 15, and they just met this girl, they couldn't imagine how much she matters to him, specially with all the secrets.

And here, is when Rio finally can let her own feelings aside for a moment, and see her actual son, and not the idea she has of him.

Of course, he is just staring at where she is at, no idea when he would see her again.

A part of me wonders, if he would had tried to go and say something else if his parents wouldn't had been here.

I really, do think Gwen wanted to say something else.

Now with all the context, it makes me so sad to see Gwen leave, and still have trouble to actually do so.

Because she knows this meeting wasn't suppose to happen, and she has no idea if she could ever repeat it or when. She has been so focused on Miles she completely neglected the mission, heck, she even neglected to keep an eye on the guy, which wasn't even so much of a fix for this situation.

You know? Something I kept thinking while analyzing this scene, is how is not just Miles struggling to keep a civial life and a spider life, Gwen is going to the same thing, or similar enough at least.

At this point, she has embraced the Spidey life, she literally has no other choice because she cannot go back home. Her life as Gwen Stacy was gone; being able to just be a carefree teen is left by the times she can be crashing at Hobbie's dimension, and even then, you see that is not enough.

In this sequence, she tries to go back to those patterns, like the camaraderie she had with May, or the jokes she probably shared with her dad's buddies.

But it doesn't go well, and her last moments with Miles were extremely awkward, and them discussing about the organization.

This all feels just like a bitter reminder, she can't be just a teen anymore.

Is a shame, because on the Clock Tower we basically confirm, that Miles was the only person that could make her feel that someone was seeing her for all her. To combine those two worlds she belonged.

But she can't have that now, just like she believes, she can't have Miles.

[elliereject]

stupid bitch .1

* you and ellie have been friends for years but you only recently discovered that the way you liked her was more than just friendly. unfortunately, she��s already in a relationship with a toxic girl who (surprise!) does not like you. as their relationship starts to sour, you’re the one ellie always goes to for comfort and you oblige until you can no longer take the heartache and pain you’re feeling which causes you to finally confess…blurring the already thin line between yours and ellie’s ‘friendship’.

* infidelity, oblivious!ellie, meanish!ellie, pining, anxious thoughts

* first fic, based on girl in reds Stupid Bitch bc wow does that song make me scream. if this gets any traction at all ill post pt 2 and a couple others I have in the works :) feedback is appreciated, pls enjoy and interact!!

*mdni

*wc - 4k

part .2 here

You had a love hate relationship with Ellie.

Well, it was mostly love…who were you kidding, it was all love.

She’s been your best friend for years and you were so fucking glad she was apart of your life. She’d been there for you during the worst parts like when your parents didn’t speak to you for a month after you came out and the best parts like when you got accepted into your dream school.

Every great memory in your life, Ellie was there. She was someone you could rely on and who you knew would stick by you even when she saw the worst parts of you and you hoped she knew you would do the same for her. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. Of course, it wasn’t until she started dating her that you realized your true feelings.

“I’m telling you! She’s just—she’s perfect!” Ellie gushed, your stuffed animal being squeezed to death between her lean arms.

You forced a smile onto your face, a sour feeling thrashed in your gut. “I’m happy for you, glad you guys are hitting it off.”

“We’re more than hitting it off, we’re like, on the exact same wavelength..did you know she does her own tattoos? How fucking cool is that?”

You turned back around in the chair at your desk, trying to busy yourself with the schoolwork you were supposed to be doing and rolling your eyes at her rambling. The two had been seeing eachother for the last month and she did nothing but talk about her.

“Yeah I did know because you’ve told me a thousand fucking times..” You mumbled.

“Hm?” She asked, “Sorry, Cat just sent me the funniest meme.”

She spun your chair back around to show you the meme on a cracked screen and when you saw it you wanted to take her phone and toss it out the window.

“I sent you that like 4 weeks ago.” You laughed dryly.

“Oh, for real?” She mumbled, already pulling her phone back to continue texting Cat.

You rolled your eyes again, huffing when you picked up your phone to text Jesse. He was the only one who knew about your newly discovered crush on Ellie, other than her, you considered him your closest friend and he had comforted you when you came to his dorm, eyes filled with tears and guilt after you told him that you were in fact in love with your best friend.

im going to go fucking insane.

oh brother, what did she do this time?

she won’t stop fucking talking about her ☹️ she litrly just showed me a meme cat sent her that i SENT HER WEEKS AGO and she didn’t even remember

you know ellie tho she prob just forgor fr

jesse i Litrly cant do this anymore. I’m going to rip out my air and throw my laptop at the wall.

Rip out your air? How would that work, like a breathing machine??

Die

💪💗 sorry y/n im sure it’ll get better

😐 when?

…

Before you could see his response you dropped your phone in your lap when you felt Ellie tap your shoulder, “What?”

“Said I’m gonna go piss.”

“Oh, okay.”

She got up from your bed and when she left, her phone was still there.

You shouldn’t. It’s a complete and utter violation of her privacy. If she caught you, she’d probably never talk to you again…

But you knew her password, and it was right there and you were so damn curious.

Your hands moved before you could rethink and suddenly her phone was in your hand and your eyes were skimming over her messages.

You clicked on the thread with Cat and felt your heart seize when you read what she was saved as: my girl ♥️

Despite the searing pain you felt pang through you like a hot knife, you read on.

i can’t wait to cu tonight ;))

same, u can finally get started on my tattoo!

mhm 😇 can’t you come over a little esrlier? im so bored T_T

cant :( yk im hanging out with ★ rn

yeahhhh but she’d understand you’d wanna hangout w ur gf right?? she said she was happy we started dating so she can’t get upset

what the fuck?

yeah ig but irs been a while since I last saw her

plssss els :(( just wanna hold u rn

There was a little space between this message and the next, you figured it been when you and Ellie got caught up in a conversation about your mutual hate for one of your profs.

if u rlly don’t wanna see me jus say that.

yk that’s not true id love to see u rn

then COME, if she gets upset that’s not ur problem..she has to understand you can’t spend all your time with her

What the fuck was this bitch even talking about? She was the one trying to lock Ellie up. You were about to scroll down to see what Ellie had said but you heard footsteps and threw her phone back on your bed before pretending to be stuck on a practice question.

Ellie picked up her phone and you were so scared she’d notice you were on it you thought your heart was going to pop out of your chest and fall onto your desk.

“Hey..”

Dread filtered through your body. She knows, she knows and she’s going to confront you and she’s going to storm out and you’re going to lose your best friend and—

“I think I’m gonna head out, seems like you got a lot of work to do.”

You dropped your pencil and turned to look up at her, “Are you sure? I mean we could go somewhere if you want.” You didn’t want her to leave, you wanted her to stay in your dorm with you forever.

“No.” She said quickly, backing up “It’s fine, I’ll see you later.”

“Okay I’ll see you—“

She walked out your door, letting it close.

“Later.”

—★

It was a freezing December night the first time Ellie came to you, eyes ridden with tears over a fight with Cat.

Usually, it was her calling you up to have you come over and comfort her because Cat was ‘acting weird’ and ‘being mean’. But something serious must have happened for her to be here.

A few weeks had passed since that enlightening time at your dorm where she had practically flown out of your room to go see Cat. During the following weeks, the two of you had barely talked let alone seen eachother and when you did it was almost always about Cat. You understood that you were both busy with school and she was busy with her girlfriend and you didn’t know whether it was Cat or Ellie that had forced the two of you’s separation or if it was your own subconscious mind trying to protect you from getting hurt. Either way, you missed her dearly.

She was pounding hard on your door, and when you opened it she immediately rubbed her red rimmed eyes. She lived in the other dorm building and judging from her appearance you imagined she ran here as quick as she could; Snowflakes adorned her hair and eyelashes and her nose was red from the cold, she had an old green hoodie on and plaid pyjama pants. Even on the verge of tears she was still so unbelievably gorgeous.

“Ellie, it’s like 3AM..” You said groggily, you knew she had trouble sleeping but she usually texted you if she needed a distraction.

“I know just, please I need to talk to someone. And Dina’s with Jesse and Cat fucking—” She paused, sniffling.

You sighed, stepping to the side so she could come in and you could close the door that was currently blowing in cold air from the freezing hallway.

“What happened?”

“It’s Cat.”

Of fucking course. Fury engulfed you, Ellie wasn’t one to cry often or even come close to it so Cat must’ve done something pretty fucked up.

“She was being so distant and I don’t even fucking know what I did and then some fucker I don’t even know just sent me this,”

She shoved her phone in your face and the image made even more anger surge throughout you. It was blurry but you could still make out two figures, one with short black hair—Cat, and another unrecognizable. Cat had her arms locked around the mysterious girls neck and the two were not just kissing but full on frenching. You wanted to throw insults so bad but Ellie was upset and that was more important than dissing her girlfriend.

“Oh Ellie, I’m so sorry.” you said softly, pulling her in for a hug.

She sniffled and wiped her nose, “Yeah, thanks.”

“So, are you two..” you trailed off, unsure how to finish the sentence.

“I don’t know, maybe. I sent her a text about the picture and told her to call me but she hasn’t answered.” Ellie said, pulling away.

“Ellie are you serious?” You questioned, looking into her green eyes. “She fucking cheated.”

Ellie looked to the side, avoiding your scrutinizing gaze.

“There could be more to the story.”

You scoffed, “Looks pretty straightforward to me, she went to party, made out with another girl and is completely ignoring you.”

Her jade eyes scanned your face before she shook her head, “You don’t like her.”

No shit you don’t like her.

“That’s not true.” You lied.

“Yes it fucking is! at first I thought I was overthinking it but whenever I bring her up you get this…this look on your face.” She accused.

“What look? This i—“

“That look!” She cut you off, pointing a long finger in your face. “Like..like you’re about cry or blow up or something.”

“I—“ Before you could defend yourself Ellie’s phone rang, the two of immediately knowing who it was. Ellie cleared her throat and answered before the second ring even started.

“Babe?” She croaked out and you winced, both at the nickname and the pain in her voice. You couldn’t listen to this.

“I think..you should go.” You said quietly, walking toward your door to open it for her.

Her eyes flashed to your face before she nodded and walked out, phone still close to her ear.

That night as you crawled back into your bed and warm tears hit your pillow you never wanted to rip out your heart more because the love you had for her was still there, never wavering and consuming you entirely even though you knew it would never be requited.

— ★

It’d been weeks since that night and since you’d talked to Ellie. You didn’t mean for the gap to stretch this long, you decided to give her some space after your…argument? And then you had finals, and then winter break where you went back home to visit old friends and reluctantly, your parents.

You came back two days before classes started up again so you could ease back into your routine. In the last few weeks you tried your hardest to push thoughts of Ellie out of your mind but you cared for her too much to completely disregard her and bits and pieces slipped through the guards you had put up.

You layed on your dorm bed, sighing as you stared at Ellie’s Instagram.

Back together, you thought.

Over the course of Cat and Ellie’s relationship, you’d learned how to tell when they were ‘on a break’ and when they were together just from her Instagram.

When they were together, her profile picture was the two of them, Cat pressing her lips against Ellie’s cheek and Ellie with her eyes scrunched closed, a joyful look on her face. Ellie also had a highlight labled with nothing but a cat emoji as well as a few random posts of them doing more random shit.

When they were ‘on a break’; Ellie’s profile picture was the default one and she had no highlights, and a singular picture posted; her and Joel after her highschool graduation. After Ellie saw the picture of Cat at that party it’d been like that for two and a half weeks and you silently hoped it’d stay that way forever.

Now, her profile picture was the two of them looking happier than ever and you couldn’t help but feel mocked while you moped miserably in your cold dorm alone, your only comfort being the stuffed animal that you held close to your chest.

You missed her, desperately.

You couldn’t do this anymore, you had to have her in your life even if it wasn’t the way you wanted. You sat up, brushing the stray tears from your face you didn’t know had fallen. Determination coursed through you, you were going to break the silence first.

Ellie was getting back tomorrow so you arranged a plan, you’d pick up a pepperoni pizza from her favourite diner—pizza was her favourite food and you’d called her basic when she first told you, which she replied “Anybody who says they don’t like pizza or pizza is basic are trying too hard to be different, pizza is the only perfect thing in the world.” and you shoved her arm playfully telling her to just eat the freaking pizza— the memory made your heart hurt but you swallowed the feeling.

Then, you’d pick up both yours and her favourite snacks from the 7/11 near your campus along with a few sodas.

And finally, the main item of your grand scheme, stopping by the blu-ray store to pick up the first Jurassic Park, the two of you could always watch it on Netflix but she preferred having the physical thing, stating it felt more ‘authentic.’

It was going to be the perfect night, and by the end of it, it would be like the entire last month and couple weeks never happened. The two of you would be back to normal.

— ★

You’d spent the entire next day anxious about seeing Ellie again. You’d woken up early on accident and had to find things around your dorm and campus to busy yourself until it was time to get ready and grab all the items on your list.

And now here you were at— you checked your phone, 6:43 PM— pyjama clad and balancing a pizza box and your phone in one hand and two bag fulls of snacks and Jurassic Park in the other.

You placed one bag down to knock on the door and you heard shuffling before it swung open. To your distaste, the person who opened the door was not your best friend/crush/reason for breathing, but instead her girlfriend who you knew didn’t like you. Could you blame her though? You were in love with her girlfriend. Although she didn’t know that, at least…you don’t think she did.

You can’t believe you hadn’t thought about what you’d do if she was here, the pair seemed to always always always be together when they weren’t ‘on a break.’ Your eyes trailed down her form, she had on tiny plaid pyjama shorts and a thick green hood on that you recognized as Ellie’s. Jealousy plunged through you like boiling, corroding acid.

“Babe, who is it?” You heard Ellie call down from somewhere in the dorm and your stomach flipped, it’d been so long since you’ve heard her voice.

“Your friend.” She deadpanned.

“Who?” Ellie questioned, walking into view of the door frame. Her short auburn hair was out of it’s usual style and laid damp against her neck along with a towel, she was wearing thick navy sweatpants and a thin white tank top. Your eyes immediately landed on the black ink that trailed across her right forearm. She looked fucking amazing.

“★?” Her jade eyes widened, “What are you doing here?”

You held up the pizza box and movie half heartedly, “Surprise?”

She smiled and you swear to fucking god you almost dropped everything you were holding to whip out your phone and snap a picture. You’d missed her smile so much and seeing it online just wasn’t enough.

“Come in, you and Cat can catch up while I finish drying off.”

You looked at Cat, honestly forgetting she was there. Her dark eyes bored into you and you couldn’t help but notice how pretty she was with her short black hair and milky skin. Why were the pretty ones always fucking crazy?

She stepped to the side so you could walk in and put everything down on the old coffee table.

Awkward silence enveloped the space between you two before you cleared your throat, she was Ellie’s girlfriend whether you liked it or not which meant you’d being seeing a lot more of her so you had to atleast be civil.

“I like your hoodie.” You tried, giving her a weak smile.

“Thanks. It’s Ellie’s.” Maybe you imagined it, but you swore you heard a bit of a mocking emphasis on Ellie.

You sighed, taking a seat on the worn green sofa Ellie had found on Facebook market place for what she thought was ‘the deal of the century.’

“Hope you like pepperoni pizza.” You tried again.

“I’m vegetarian.”

Of course she was.

“Oh..you could pick them off?”

She scoffed, trudging off in the direction of Ellie, leaving you to sit alone. This was not going as planned, you’d wanted to spend one on one time with Ellie and discuss what the fuck had happened in the last month but it’d just be awkward when the elephant was literally in the room.

The two returned, Ellie’s hair dryer now and towel discarded. Ellie plopped down beside you and you didn’t miss the way Cat’s eye twitched.

Ellie’s eyes landed on the box of pizza, her face lighting up. “No way, I thought they were closed during the holiday’s.”

You smiled, “Guess I was lucky.”

She smiled back and your gaze met hers, your heart picked up in speed when you saw something in her warm jade eyes…something soft and—

Before you could inspect it further Cat slid past your legs to sit on the left of Ellie, separating the two of you again and almost pushing you off the couch.

Cat leaned into Ellie and you thought you saw her stiffen in the corner of your eye but when you turned to look at her she was back to normal, maybe you imagined it.

“You brought a movie?” Ellie asked, eyeing the small black rectangle on the table.

“Oh, yeah! Jurassic Park.” You leaned forward, picking it up.

“On blu-ray?” Cat snarked, “Isn’t that a little outdated.”

You looked at Ellie but she was focused on the the pizza, already downing a slice and a half.

“I think it’s fun, feels more..authentic.” You replied, noticing the small smirk that crept on to Ellie’s face.

You got up, fiddling with the small TV and DVD player like you did many times before when you and Ellie had a movie night. Finally, the movie started playing and you grabbed a bag of snacks as you eased into the beanbag instead of sitting back down on the couch.

Guess yours and Ellie’s talk could wait.

The movie droned on and Cat inevitability fell asleep on Ellie, you pulled out your phone as the scene where Donald Genarro gets eaten by a T-Rex while on the toilet started up.

You were answering snaps, liquorice hanging from your mouth when you got a text from Ellie, you looked up and saw her staring at you.

Bored?

You smiled,

We’ve seen this movie like a million times. I’m tired of watching an attorney get chomped up on the toilet. 😔

she stifled a laugh,

are u serious? 😫 that’s like the best scene.

personally, I like the end where they make it off the island.

Ofc u do 😒 always a sucker for happy endings.

You sighed, rolling your eyes playfully.

Hey can I ask u smth

ofc what’s up?

whyd you come here tonight? don’t get me wrong I’m glad u did its just. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from u and then u just like shoe up lol

shoe up? 🤨🤨

She frowned jokingly.

I’m srs.

Your fingers hovered over the letters as you thought of how to answer, you couldn’t just tell her that you’d been thinking of her aimlessly in the last month and you’d decided to push away the immense romantic feelings you had in order to at least stay friends with her now could you?

i just missed you and I thought like, why did we even stop talking in the first place, yk?

As you typed the next message you felt heat creep up your neck and your heart pick up just a tad. It wasn’t risky per say..just a little intimate.

tbh, ive been missing you the entire past couple weeks. like so fucking much 🫥

You added the emoji to soften the blow, make it seem less like you were in love with her and her absence caused a gaping hole in your life.

tbh, me too. im sorry abt that night btw. i was angry and felt betrayed and I lashed out on u even tho u were just looking out for me, and im sorry for not reaching out.

I understand and I’m sorry too. for yelling and not reaching out sooner 💗😞

I don’t forgive you.

Panic flooded your brain, was she still upset? Did she not want to be friends with you anymore? Did you wait too long to reach out? Ellie looked at your frightened face and tapped quickly, reassuring you.

Joking joking! I was gonna say i might if u come over like this more often but.. yeah 🥸

You sighed, relief washed over your body and you giggled.

u always have the worst timing.

You glanced up at her expecting to see a smile but your heart tugged at her expression, she looked..sad. The usual gleam in her jade eyes was gone and her soft lips were pulled into a solemn frown.

i know

Before you could pick apart the message a shiver jolted through your spine and goosebumps covered your neck and arms. When did it get so cold?

hey is ir kind of cold in here?

yeah the heaters busted. turns on and off 😒 i asked matinance to come take a look but yk how those mfs are.

damn..r ur blankets still in the same place?

nah i moved them a while ago they’re by the actually lemme just show u

Ellie peeled Cat off her shoulder carefully as to not wake her up and motioned for you to follow her. You got up from your seat on the beanbag and treaded quietly behind her.

She led you into her room and as she dug in the back of her closet you took in the space. It’d been too long since you’ve last been in there, you breathed in the familiar earthy-pine scent that was so inadvertently Ellie and eyed the bed you and her have had countless conversations on. Your eyes travelled to the guitar that stood against her bed frame, the wood worn from years of both her and Joel playing, she’d only played for you a couple of times and even then it was little snippets as she felt too embarrassed to play you a full song.

“Here.” Your eyes snapped back to her and the plush green blanket she held out. You were confused for a second but then you’d remembered why you came in here in the first place.

“Oh right, thanks.” You reached for the blanket but you must’ve anticipated for it to be lighter because it fell from your hand and landed with a soft thump on the floor.

She sighed playfully, reaching down to grab it, “Always a klutz, huh, bug?”

Your breath hitched at the nickname. She’d started calling you her lovebug back in elementary school to tease you since you always demanded she leave bugs and other insects alone and always opted for the piece of paper and cup method to set them free instead of her brutal method of stomp until they’re dead. The only insects she really liked were fireflies, she didn’t really have a reason..she just did.

However, she stopped calling you it when she had started dating Cat and resorted back to her regular “dude” “bro” and “man”. You forced your heart not to read too much in to her use of it, it probably just slipped out, nothing more nothing less.

She picked up the blanket and put it in your hands, placing one on top of yours to make sure you were holding it properly. And that would’ve been fine and dandy if she let go and you would’ve shuffled back to your seat on the beanbag and it would’ve been normal, and it would’ve been okay.

Only, she didn’t move her hand. She let it rest in top of yours, the heat from her body travelling to yours, igniting you in a way you don’t think was possible. You looked up to meet those familiar pools of jade, finding the same look you had seen when the two of you were on the couch; soft and wanting.

It’s funny really, you had shown up here with so much ready to say and now look at you. Completely silent, terrified that if you even breathed too loud it would shatter whatever blissful moment was going on.

But your heart battered against your chest, screaming and thrashing at you.

it’s NOW or NEVER. SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT!

“I like you.”

Silence. There was no echo in the room but you swore your words bounced around the walls and hung in the air.

“What?” She breathed, taking a step back.

This was wrong, you knew it was. Her girlfriend was literally less than 10 feet away and the two of you had just started talking again, but you couldn’t do it anymore. You needed to tell her, if there was even a sliver of a chance she felt the same way you were going to take it.

“I like you— more than a best friend like, and I have for a while. And I know you’re dating Cat and I get that you like her, I really do. But I can’t do this anymore, Ellie. I can’t sit and pretend I’m happy for you because I’m fucking not. Whenever I see you two together, kissing and hugging I wish it was me—fuck I wish it was me.”

“Bug,” She paused, closing her eyes briefly, “ ★..I’m dating Cat.”

“You think I don’t!—“ You paused, urging yourself to breathe and counting to ten slowly.

nine..ten.

“You think I don’t know that?” You repeated, calmer.

“★..” Ellie began but you pushed on.

“Ellie can’t you see how..how bad she is for you?”

“What?” She asked, anger lacing her voice.

“She’s hurt you time and time again, and I’m always the one who has to comfort you just for you to go back to her after a few sweet words…she doesn’t deserve you.”

“You’re not apart of my relationship you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” She spat.

You huffed, blowing out air as you tried to breathe again.

eight..nine..

“Just because you’re fucking in love with me doesn’t mean you get to come in here and act like you know a single fucking thing because you don’t.”

Fuck breathing, fuck ten.

“You stupid bitch! She doesn’t fucking care about you. Why can’t you see the one for you is me.” You yelled, then gasped at your outburst. It had taken both of you by surprise, even when you and Ellie got into the nastiest of arguments you never yelled at eachother—minus that one night a month ago. It felt good, letting out all the emotion you had harboured for so, so long.

The two of you were centimetres away, having inched closer to yell in eachothers faces but now it was quiet, except for the laboured breathing that expelled from both of you, fanning over eachothers lips.

Icy jade met the fire burning behind your eyes, the juxtaposition was so intense you thought if your heart beat any faster you’d go into cardiac arrest.

“..You’re the one for me..?” She said, a ghost of a whisper.

And It was quick, so quick you almost didn’t catch it but you did. Her eyes flitted a fraction of an inch down to your lips and fuck, it was over for both of you.

Your lips crashed into hers, her large hands found promise at the nape of your neck, pushing you closer as she slotted her mouth against yours. The blanket in your hands long forgotten as it fell back to the floor. It was heated, hungry, passionate, and desperate. Months of hate, love, frustration, and separation rolled into one long awaited meaningful kiss.

It was when her hand trailed down to your hip, pulling you flush against her body and snaking under your top to brush over your skin that ellicited a sweet noise from you and her tongue sliding across yours, that she finally pulled away, a string of saliva connecting the two of you.

“Fuck.” She breathed, her voice raspy and you bit your lip when you felt your clit pulse.

“I need to—“

“I think you—“ the two of you spoke at the same time making both of you pause.

“I need to go.” You whispered, so quiet she almost didn’t hear you.

She nodded and watched as you turned around and walked out of her room, she stayed like that, standing and barely breathing until she heard the familiar noise of her dorm door closing before she allowed herself to crumble to the floor and hang her head in her hands.

“Els?” Her head shot up, thinking you had returned but she felt guilt flood her body when her face fell in disspointment at the sight of her groggy girlfriend.

“Hey..we need to talk.” She sighed.

She really did have the worst timing.

[justanotherblogger]

JUST WATCHED EPISODES 7 AND 8 AND UNHOLY SH-

Look at all that Alastor LORE!!!!!

I AM SO EXCITED YOU DONT EVEN KNOW PEOPLE. WE HAVE BEEN FED WELL.

I also want to say that I was so freaking right in my first ramble about Alastor. Almost everything but his human life was freaking given to me in these episodes! I am very happy. Previous Ramble

*Ahem* Now, this is just a small analysis of Alastor scenes from both episodes, and I'll probably post my theories and stuff about it in a seperate post! I am currently frothing at the mouth. Obvious spoilers ahead!

Ok, so the first thing I saw was how Alastor jumped at the opportunity to go up to talk personally with Charlie.

Episode 7 thoughts:

I tried to steer away from sneak peak and spoilers, but I did get bombarded with little gifs of Alastor kicking his feet on Charlie's bed. Ruined the freaking surprise.

Anyways, Alastor obviously seemed to coerce Charlie into feeling rushed to a decision, which was obviously a deal with him.

I didn't expect him not to go for Charlie's soul. I saw so many people theorizing that was why he was at the hotel in the first place, and everything that lead up to Alistor finally making a deal throughout the other episodes, was a favor. A favor that didn't involve harm, no less.

This is still something very big, especially a favor from a princess of hell. I think the favor he needs eventually might be to help him break free of his leash, or to help protect him when he finally does in case things go south afterwards. Or maybe it could be a favor to somehow see how his mother is doing, the first much more dramatic, but I'd be happy with either.

Now there's Alastors demon form during the deal. Unholy cow, there's a lot to unpack. The first thing I noticed was Alastors FULLY STICTED smile. Like, entirely across. This could just be his true demonic from, or someone else did this to him to keep him smiling. From slipping up in his forced persona.

We also see how he can't stop smiling, even when by himself, drained of power, and hurt in his destroyed radio tower after the sngel attack. He rants and seemingly has a breakdown, but keeps smiling.

This could be how, like I said in my previous ramble, he uses his smile as a shield and as a defense for himself, like he stated to Charlie during the deal scene. Or, it's permanently there because it's just what he got stuck with in hell, or someone wanted to keep him smiling.

Speaking of which, the color is what's bothering me. There isn't much green in the pride ring other than Alastor himself. Almost every attack he's thrown has had green in it, with the crazy floating symbols, his explosions, and his void he controls has a bit of green. He can also invert colors. Why is that, when everything about him is red and black, matching the pride ring, his stitches and powers are green, like someone else's power.

There's also stitching all over his clothing, maybe as symbolism to keeping the persona up that the person who has his leash has made for him to play at the hotel.

Moving on to cannibal town, I adore Alastor and Rosie together. They bounce off each other well and just seem like real good friends. Love their dynamic! (Also, WOOOOOH! Canon Ace Alastor! Well, from Rosie. STILL THO! I am so happy, from a fellow asexual)

I was kind of sad when I realized Alastor could speak without his radio in hand when Charlie went singing with it as Alastor advertised the Executioner meat awaiting all the cannibals, with Charlie still holding the microphone. Would've been some entertaining stuff if he couldn't talk without it.

I don't really have much else to say about cannibal town, other than the Alastor comment near the end where it seems he's considering manipulating her to keep her on his side, to keep him on the winning one.

Now, episode 8.

This episode was a lot. In a good way, but still a lot.

Before the exterminators, everyone in the main cast was drinking, relaxing, and saying possible final goodbyes. Not Alastor. He was up on the balcony, watching the scene unfold.

They talk about how they enjoy the main casts company, and Alastor feels a bit sentimental as he admits he could get accustomed. Focus on the could part of that. He seems to imply he can't stay or things can't stay this way for long. Is it because of the reason he's at the hotel?

I do love Nifty and Alastor interactions. I wonder why they're so close compared to everyone else's relationship with Alastor in the main cast. Could they both be under the same leash, leaving some sympathy forbthe other? Or maybe Alastor just likes to see that gremlins shenanigans.

Now to the actual battle, Alstor was freaking peak at the beginning! His shield literally blocked off all angel interactions from the outside to keep the troops away, and it didn't even seem to tire out Alastor in the slightest!

The thing with him controlling those void tentacles to hold angelic weapons to kill the outsiders trying to break through is also just so cool to see because of Alastors ingenuity.

It took a strike from Adam just to break it, and I feel that's an accomplishment. For Adam to do something himself that all the other angels can't I feel is impressive, because he's not the head of the angelic army for no reason. I doubt heaven is that stupid to give a f-boy full control over the troops with no talent or experience to plan or lead them, at least.

Now for the Adam vs Alastor battle.

This had me at the edge of my seat, begging for Alastor not to be the one to be killed off this season.

I knew Alastor wasn't going to win, but he did have a good start. It seemed like he was toying and not taking this seriously, with full confidence in his abilities.

But that was until Adam finally got serious again, and broke his radio staff. His metaphorical (maybe literal based on his reaction) wall of defense.

This had me shook, as I saw my boy get beat in a couple of seconds. The radio staff was probably the source of at least a bit of his power from this person holding his leash, as he was worried enough about it to curse with no static in his voice during mid battle, leaving himself wide open. Or maybe this was just one of the times Alastor slipped up. It could also be the reason why he only used shadows, one of his only not-green abilities.

He still could move and talk, and I doubt he could attack or summon anything after being DIRECTLY HIT, POINT BLANK, WITH AN ANGELIC WEAPON, FROM PROBABLY ONE OF THE STRONGEST ANGELS IN THAT FREAKING EXTERMINATION, WHILE FREAKING SURVIVING AND GETTING BETTER THROUGHOUT JUST A COUPLE OF HOURS AT MOST.

(Also, shut up Vox. I know you freaking have the hate/obsession going on with the guy, but he probably lasted better than you could have, especially since you would've most likely been wire spaghetti after that hit from Adam)

I just realized that when rewatching, as before, I was just focusing on hoping he wouldn't be the one to die. But how did he survive that, and get pretty much better as soon as he got back to the radio tower? Maybe radio waves heal him, or he just has crazy recovery speed.

Now to the long awaited radio tower scene. I was hoping he would've gotten his own song by now, but maybe that shows how he needs someone else's push to be able to push on his own, like both his duets in the previous episodes.

Maybe we'll get an emotional song from him in the future. Crossing my fingers for that and a S2 as soon as possible!

Now the actual scene got me thinking. How Alastor is DEFINITELY under someone's control, as he also explicitly states it was a deal. Most likely for his soul, considering his want for freedom and to be able to do his own thing again.

I did see how Alastor was so desperate in his song snip about how he needs to find a way out of this deal he has made, with some of the most raw expressions we've seen of him to date.

But something did strike me. That on line from his song.

That's a bit of weird wording there Viv. Like, I know this is like an implication for his freedom, but imagine Alastor was a fallen angle or heavenly deity of some kind, like how the Cherubs got banished from heaven in Helluva Boss. Might explain how he didn't immediately die from Adams attack. (As you can see, I'm a bit delusional. But imagine if I was right tho)

But do imagine though, what this might imply for Alastor. How maybe the leash is holding something more than just his freedom, maybe how Alastor might've been even more powerful than he is right now, with the holder keeping some of his original raw power from his grasp, making him rely on their green power to survive and stay at the top.

The green light surrounding him with the line about him pulling the strings might also be how Alastor might want to take his holder's place, how when he's finally free from them he'll finally be able to take over that green with his own power, with his shadow.

I'm still wondering if Alastor is hiding side affects or pain from getting a beat down courtesy of Adam at the end there, as he seemed to take the most damage out of everyone while staying 'alive'.

Anyways, I need to wake up early tomorrow, and writing this in the middle of the night as it struck won't be pleasant for future me, but at least I could get all my thoughts together.

I am still obsessed with this deer man, if you couldn't tell already. I am so tired. If you saw any typos, no, you actually didn't.