#[[school life and burnout yknow?]]

[coolunclebruno]

Hey bruno what do you think of this banger

https://youtu.be/rlQd9qWKjLM

Hmm...it's not bad! It feels like it gives off...manic energy? Like I'm running around the house and I'm being chased by a monster and I have to hide.

Y'know, I think I've had dreams like that, but instead of it being a monster, it was mi madre.

...P-please don't tell mami I said that...

[mrghostrat]

i appreciate all the kindness for my uni rejection, and anyone going through the same thing should def read through my replies if they need similar comfort. there’s a lot of “ATAR isn’t everything!” comments tho, which made me realise i haven’t actually talked much about my goals, so i wanted to share a little context.

i’m 30 (on the 17th). i took a gap year after high school and i went to uni at 19. i even dropped out a semester before graduating to pursue the one thing that was making me happy (my first original comic) during a really bad depression (undiagnosed adhd burnout). i got the last units and graduated a year later, a bachelor of game design.

haven’t used my degree once. i went into comics and freelance rather than games. but i also loved that degree and would do it all again, it was absolutely worth it.

i’ve been freelance and self sufficient for 6-7 years, and it’s fun and i’m proud of the things i’ve made, but i’m so tired. i’m specifically tired of having to work 7 different angles to make up one sufficient salary, and even if it ends up being temporary, i’d give anything for a 9-5. have someone else in charge for once.

got to the end of my rope last year and sat down to figure out what i like and what i’m good at. a Life Plan, yknow. i’ve always had an interest in teaching, helping, connecting like that. figured out degrees and became really invested in this new trajectory i pictured my life going on. i was also tired of waiting, because every time i wanted to move back to the city from this tiny town we’re in, somethings come up or delayed it. so zita helped me figure out how we could get the ball rolling and break our lease 3 months early, so we could move back to melbourne and i could start my degree this year. we looked for (and found) an apartment specifically on the side of the city that would be closest to my campus.

i hope that gives a lil context as to why i’m so devastated right now. the last 5 months have been me revving up to start this new chapter at the end of feb and one little email said nah.

the degree i wanted to do was a double degree, secondary education (hons) and a BA of fine arts. i was equally excited for both, because i never got to do a lot of actual art learning in my last degree, and the BA would give me all of that— life drawing, sculpting, painting, wood/metal/jewellery working, digital, fuckin everything. but it was the less important of the pair, when it comes to getting myself a job as an art teacher, because i already have the art experience. it was just a fun bonus, and the education degree was the one i NEEDED.

in nov i had to travel to melbourne to present a portfolio and interview for the BA. they showed me around the studio too, and i fell a little bit in love. i got the acceptance email in december, but i still didn’t have an offer for the education degree. another reason why i’m so discombobulated— i technically have an invitation, but it’s for the less important degree that would just be a money sink. do i go to uni anyway?? or just ignore this invitation and move on?

my state recently made education/teaching degrees free as a way of encouraging more teacher jobs. i learnt about this after i decided i wanted to pursue teaching, so it was just a fun lil bonus that i wouldn’t be adding to my student debt. apparently not, bc i didn’t think about how every teenager and their dog would apply for teaching degrees so they could get straight into uni without any debt. so, even tho i’m a graduate and i’m not relying on school scores, i was one in a million, likely just numbers on a page, and didn’t get in.

there could be other paths. i could start the BA and add the Edu degree later? i could reapply for mid year intake. i could… idk, most of what i could do requires emailing Monash and asking wtf, because i have no idea what’s actually possible and will need someone to lay it out for me.

still feels like i’ve run into a brick wall though. little bit shut down. more sad, not quite angry, but suddenly really spiteful for some reason— like “oh, you don’t want me? okay fuck you then, i won’t ever teach.” so stupid. just a bit fragile rn

[mothdotz]

Marinette Cheng

… is quite the busybody, jumping at any chance to experiment and make new things. Though his eagerness to create has gotten him recognized for their talents, it also leads to many unfinished (or destructive) products.

Normally you’d find him tinkering away at her latest invention, but as of a recent it seems that her creative spirit has died down. No one knows why.

( And at school, you’d typically find them in the laboratory, but just like her recent willingness to create, his visits have dwindled. )

Older versions:

Equally important additions:

1. Gifted Kid Burnout, Baby!! (That’s possibly triggered by seeing your mentor get snatched into the shadow realm. Who knows? Marinette sure doesn’t).

2. Methinks that most of the headcanons from my old art-dump still applies here (though I have to double-check to be sure).

3. Mar’s inventions tend to (ironically) end in disaster.. but it’s the ingenuity that counts, right?

4. Yes, the suit design was inspired by Spider-Man.

5. I could spew more about Mar’s character but yknow. Mar tends to be a lone wolf in situations, not that they do it consciously! But it’s more like they’ve gotten used to having to solve problems on their own due to the people (and adults) that are in her life. While this is a great(ish) thing because of her classmates dependency on him, it also leads to Chat Noir feeling very frustrated in the midst of battle when Spots run off to do their own plan without consulting the other hero on it.

6. Mar’s creative soul is the one thing that gets her in trouble most of the time! He learns to not be afraid to step over boundaries, but that unwillingness to back down when they should can be terrible in a lot of situations. (Though, beware because Marinette’s personality may be due to change. I’m still figuring out how I want it to be).

7. Spots’/Red’s backpack (which I now realize is hardly visible) has wings giving Red the ability to fly. Spots’ backpack can also be taken apart and turn into almost any invention they want, having its only disadvantage being that they no longer have a means of transportation. The Fanny pack? I just thought it was funny… plus I think they would store candy and water in there to give to any shaken kids (or to anyone who needs it).

8. Yeah, Marinette wears a compression shirt under their hoodie + Carries around headphones in their bag bc overstimulation. (ADHD/Autism as always).

[soracities]

hey! i hope you dont mind me sending this ask. its not a heavy topic dw.

i just feel really lost in life lately. i havent been to my classes in weeks, i dont really create much anymore, even my social life is limited. its not that i feel particularly upset or any emotional turmoil, just that theres some sort if blockage in my mind preventing me from doing the things that i want. im 20 years old and life seems so complicated, yknow?

do you think i just need some time and space? do you have any tips to get back on track?

i think time and space may be a good idea, but i would also recommend trying to see if there is anyone, either through your school or through other means, that you can talk to professionally, either a counsellor or a professor you trust. i don't know what else may be going on in your life so there isn't much i can say--perhaps you have some burnout or perhaps there's something else-- but based on what you wrote i think it would help to try and talk through it all with a professional so they can help you try and identify what may be underlying these feelings and how to begin working through them in the best way for you. i'm sorry you're feeling this way, anon, and that i can't offer more but am sending you so much love regardless 💗

[clockworkbibliophile]

As a fellow overwhelmed soul, I get it. Albeit from a different perspective of course , because each of us has their own stuff, just know you’re not alone. I’m a strong believer that It’s going to be ok and things will work out. There are going to be rough times but they will pass and better times will come.

The way I deal with all this is trying to get through day by day. I try to focus on the little things that bring me joy: like drinking my morning coffee in a mug I love, enjoying a shower after a long day and finding a small low effort activity that can give me even a small tiny daily win. For me that activity is playing on Duolingo or a short workout. The first takes 5 mins out of my day and gives me an easy win, the second takes about 15-25 mins of my day and resets my brain and gets some of that cortisol sweated out and gives me the satisfaction of having managed to do at least that. Other than that, given personal experience and from close friend’s’ experiences If I was experiencing focus issues that serious, I’d perhaps talk to a professional about the whole thing as well as about burnout and ADHD, especially if therapy for other mental health issues doesn’t seem to be helping the situation.

Either way, you’re doing your best and it’s ok to feel lost, it’s part of life. You will find your way, or the way will find you. Each of us has their own timeline and process of development and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s nor is there a blueprint to follow. You’re going to figure it out. You got this !

I sincerely hope things turn out for the best for you soon, and I send a strong supportive and comforting virtual hug your way! Take care!

thank you so much for this. you are so kind. <3 it’s just… I know i’m not doing my best, yknow? i’ve been so burned out and depressed for years now, since the end of high school, i’ve been barely scraping by in college and at my first corporate job… even a year after being let go and unemployed, I spent most of it barely able to get out of bed. i’ve just finally gotten a job acceptance, which i’m beyond grateful for, but so far it is the exact same work I did a year ago that I barely scraped by in, I was so burned out…. I don’t know why i still haven’t been able to muster the energy to be able to focus or dedicate myself to anything…. i’m doing it to survive but I don’t even have confidence i’ll be able to keep this job. even getting out of bed is an enormous feat for me. i’m petrified my own will to survive is not enough to keep me dedicated to this job. i’m afraid of being unemployed but i’m terrified of not being able to do ok at a job to keep it, and happiness or any sort of direction is so far away it feels impossible. I don’t even know what I would consider for a career change or life change bc everything feels so gray and bleak, I don’t see any direction where things would be ok.

[isa-ghost]

The longer I think about it the more I think I'm definitely some degree of autistic but I don't want to Say So and not Know for sure because I feel out of place speaking on autistic issues, and while I don't need to Prove to anyone I'm autistic, the internet just Be Like That and I also want undeniable proof for myself if that makes sense.

But like

Sensory sensitivity, ESPECIALLY with hearing and somewhat to sight. Touch but ONLY around my thighs which makes clothes shopping Really Fucking Inconvenient because god forbid a woman doesn't wear smth that shows off her every curve and sticks to her figure. I absolutely HAVE to have specific hearing conditions (my digital audio needs to sound a specific way), I get anxiety attacks about my sight worsening, I literally cannot STAND jeans or leggings or anything that clings to me from the waist down aside from socks.

Weird not quite apathy but definite emotional Weirdness where I just. Don't feel things intensely or literally can't process things that should evoke specific emotions. I'm really weird about grief and have only cried over losing pets basically. When I was younger (and even present day somewhat) I didn't realize how serious some things like r*pe are

I stim and Might have small tics on occasions or when stressed. But this could definitely be ADHD brand stimming

I was one of those gifted kids that excelled early but now I'm So Over School and want to be DONE with it. I wouldn't call it burnout but I'm definitely not the star student anymore nor did I want anything to do with fancy higher ed programs. I was eligible to skip kindergarten but my parents kept me with kids my age

This isn't a symptom but literally from 1st grade to the end of high school I was always naturally drawn to befriend the "special education" kids and kids who needed assistants to help them out which is kinda. Huh.

I could probably pick out some hyperfixations that might actually be special interests. I'm not actually sure if there's a difference between the two but my brain definitely perceives them as different things

There's days where I FEEL how neurodivergent I am in public. I just stick out So Badly and I don't think I'd feel this if I was just having Ha Ha Ay Dee Ayche Dee moments. I just can't describe this self awareness but I can just Tell I'm not "normal" yknow??

Speaking of, I'm incredibly self aware but also an oblivious dumbfuck at the same time

Occasionally I have a hard time empathizing with people, mostly about things I have 0 sensitivity to like certain triggers or topics

I overshare a lot without meaning to. Which could be an ADHD thing but I know this is another sorta overlappy thing with autism

Certain forms of change make me sick to my stomach and spike my anxiety. Especially if they're changes I have no control over or can't fix. My laptop has to work the way I'm used to, my glasses have to be a certain way (I went INSANE for MONTHS about getting new lenses and having light reflections I couldn't get rid of in them that weren't in my previous ones)

I have that cursed desperation to overexplain and overclarify myself about practically everything, especially to strangers (and online where nobody has decent reading comprehension) I can't tell if this is another ADHD overlap thing, a result of my emotionally abusive father being a bitch, or another red flag that I'm autistic

Sometimes I have auditory processing issues where I cannot for the life of me understand what someone said to me. Sometimes I have to rewatch the entirety of a series of media to understand certain parts I didn't process the first time be it because I didn't connect dots or didn't understand them right

There's probably more things I haven't thought of that might also point to autism but like. This is already quite a list as it is. Oh god.

[i-cant-stop-fandoming-help]

vent skip this

cw mentions of s//cide (not what vent is about dw), and school.

you ever feel like giving up. Not like, end your own life type giving up.

but just... giving up. Become sludge. yknow?

you want to give up on things that once brought you joy and that you could watch/do for fun. 

I just want to stop everything. Getting attacked for not using proper tags on the work, when I thought adding TWs above the cut was enough. When i just wanted people to talk to me before freaking out.

it’s caused a major burnout. I’m forcing myself to writer, or to draw. and I actually WANT to do schoolwork, because then i can ask someone trusted for help on something. that should be simple. 

I actually WANT to go to school. Because at least, then, my teachers check on me. My science teacher makes sure I’m doing okay, my yoga teacher makes sure I’m not overworking my muscles, my math teacher makes sure I can understand the equations, and lets me use an app to help if I don’t.

My school counselor lets me ramble on about my stress and dogs, the speech teacher(or whatever the job title is) lets me talk about my interest in musicals, my art study teacher lets me use my phone when stressed, and my ceramics teacher helps me when I’m having trouble with the things the class makes.

Sure, I dont like the other students that much. Sure, I get frequently overwhelmed. But I still wake up early to try and get to school on time. Because at least there I feel cared about, and like people will talk to me before getting upset.

Checking tumblr has become a habit. I feel paranoid constantly. If I want to take a break, i can’t. because I get so fucking anxious.

[empty-tunacan]

Hi. Rtc. Here are some ideas of how I think the group would act if my little au actually happened. There’s another post I could make about what would happen like directly after but this is mostly just my thoughts of in general how the group would feel if they somehow all survived the cyclone accident

Ocean is first because uhmmm I said so!!!

I actually think she would have a rlly hard time dealing with it. Like throughout the entire musical she was kinda not coping well with her death and literally was trying her hardest to be revived.

And so I think for her to live again after just barely accepting her death would be very jarring! And in a sense she would feel like, idk. Bad? Almost as if her achievements are useless in a way- but at the same time she also wants to have more achievements so that they don’t become useless? It’s giving burned out gifted child except the burnout is like an internal crisis.

Basically I think she needs therapy. I think anybody who experiences death should need therapy but like especially her. ^_^;

I also do think the others help her tho. It will take time but they are there for her!! And I think she eventually learns to let go of shit. She stops taking every single AP class available to her, she allows herself to actually go and do *fun* stuff on the weekends instead of just stuff that will improve her reputation in some way. She becomes an actual human being yknow..?

Next is uhhmmmmm… idk let’s go in order of songs.. so Noel ^_^

I think first thing Noel does is fuckin quit toco bell. So serious I think hearing about what they would’ve done to his funeral would be enough for him to leave that place. And who could rlly blame him? That shit was awful 💔

And I think he tries just a little bit harder to like.. idk not fucking just blend in with the rest of this town. Allow himself to stand out instead of conforming like his parents wanted him too? Maybe he joins the school writing club?

I just think his death and telling the others what he wanted in life rlly made him be like ‘man. My life could be so much better and so much closer to a l hooker in post-war France if I took some initiative’ and so he does! ^_^

Also the others are very much there for it. Except Ocean, she is still homophobic to him 💔 (it’s okay, sibling vibes that just how it is. ^_^)

Okay my lovely and amazing misha next (<- not biased at all)

Uhmmm the first thing misha does when he is revived is fucking text the fuck out of talia. Man’s just had a mini breakdown when he though he was never gonna see her again he is defo going to talk to her way more fucking frequently.

Aside from that uhm. I mean, I think misha is just more there for people now? Like he said, he truly knows what YOLO means now and he is gonna take it to heart. I also think he rlly actually tries rlly hard on his music more than he was. It’s still uhm.. not the best, but he is trying 😁😁

I also think in regards to how other people focus on him Ocean actively takes more of an interest in him so she can stop just internally listing him as a criminal. I think she would even like ask him about Ukraine culture and he would be rlly fuckin happy to share it!!! Maybe in general the others get him to share in Ukrainian culture more (him and Constance making like traditional pastry or smth since she probably knows some baking from her family?? Idk!!)

Ricky next!!!

I actually think Ricky as a person does not change much. Perhaps his religion lore expands since being revived but idk. I feel like it’s mostly how the others treat him that changes.

Like they actively try to communicate with him (at first via writing probably) and he is like not just alone in his own head all the time. Ocean would probably find a way for them to learn ASL or MSL despite being a little tiny ass town so they could communicate with Ricky better!! ^_^

Also just to be funny and because Ricky is coined the most creative boy in town I think Ricky and Noel’s friendship initially becomes closer because when Noel is fantasizing about tragedies Ricky comes up with ways to make said fantasies even more tragic. Maybe that is not funny to anyone else but it is to me :)

ANYWAY.. JANE / PENNY NOW <33333

Penny penny penny she is the center of everyone’s life. I think she might even become a little overwhelmed initially from the attention she gets.

She as a person was actually quite ignored by like.. most of the town. Rlly didn’t have much at all going for her so for her to very quickly have a friend group is like ?!!!!!

It takes time to get used to the fact that people actually like her. She isn’t like self conscious or anything but she also is not good at communication and so it’s actually just jarring that they will randomly talk to her throughout the day even when she has taken no initiative to converse.

But she definitely enjoys it!! And I think the rest of the group also helps penny to actually be known and fuckin cared about in the damn town.

And I think if she were to like have her one thing in the town I think it would be babysitting? Like specificslly little little kids? Idk. Jane gave me weird little girl vibes (/pos) and since I’d assume she would at least partially capture Penny’s vibes penny would vibe well with a 7 year old weird little girl. So she takes care of kids now (insert that one savanna theory for the future of her life. You know it)

Ok finally Constance hehehe

Constance I think would also like.. slightly be conflicted like ocean was?

I think she would genuinely feel a lot more appreciative of her own hometown but I also think her own internalized hatred of herself and also projected hatred towards her family wouldn’t go away in an instant. It’s rlly easy to just say ‘my mindset was wrong’ when ur alone and but a lot harder when the mindset you dislike is what everyone else has.

So it would be kinda slow. But I think she would get there. Perhaps starting to engage with her family more, maybe even help close out the bakery when she gets home. She goes to her school councilor and states that she actually does want to go to a close by college. She helps get all of the rest of the choir together to have fun & in general she just lives a little more. Hashtag live laugh love <333

[larchraven]

Also what should I do with my life? LMAO as a research assistant who is burnt the fuck out and who is interested in all the ways biology/ecology could help people but who ALSO hates the idea of the GRE and predominantly white institutions?

so, my burnout tired of pharma/monetarily beneficial sci work was to go work night shift manufacturing quality at a textile mill. i feel better not being emotionally invested in the thing capitalism makes me do to pay the bills. i know i personally want to devote my time to envsci/conservation stuff, but. yknow. Grad School Ugh and $$.

so my suggestion is kind of...find a tolerable low stakes job to pay bills that lets you do passion outside of that. ive been doing volunteer stuff several hours a week to combat the existential dread. it helps me to Do something that Matters because otherwise i spiral really quickly into feeling overwhelmed by the scope of things Wrong.

or just move to a hippie off the grid commune, ill hook u up.

[s4pphoiduser]

s4pphicgods you gotta stop crying over your highschool basketball career because your senior year's almost done and you've spent it attending classes on your laptop and it's over now and you're never going to play another official match again because you're not good enough to play at a collegiate level you gotta stop crying over this

[weirdcultstuff]

My numbness Journey:

. I am told I cried a lot as a baby. This makes sense, I was a very sick baby. I don’t remember being a baby, of course, so I don’t know if I had any emotions or not then.

. I learned as a toddler to sit still without making noise or doing anything ‘distracting’ during church services and such that lasted the better part of the day. I remember most of that feeling ‘blank.’ Like someone had pointed a remote at me and pressed pause. I remember sitting on the folding chairs at church next to my mom, and my feet didn’t even hang over the edge of the chair yet because I was so small, and I remember my arms feeling “prickly” because I hadn’t moved them in so long. It became kind of a game to sit still long enough to make my limbs prickly before I changed position in my chair. My parents were not the kind of parents who gave their babies dry Cheerios to snack on, or old spice shakers with toothpicks in them to play with during church. We sat still and we listened, or we got taken out and punished and then brought back in to sit still and listen. There was no such thing as children’s church.

. Displays of emotion and expression were often harshly punished beginning before I turned one, judging by how soon I know it started for my younger siblings. E.g. 3 hour spanking/restraining sessions for crying, social shaming for laughing (“don’t be foolish. Be sober minded.”), I never attempted dancing it was considered so out of the question, etc. I got in trouble a lot, for all the normal kid stuff like being too loud with my sisters in bed at night or arguing over a toy or not finishing my food or not obeying instructions cheerfully and right away. My parents were just picking up a lot of child training techniques from ultra conservative fundamentalist literature, and trying out what they were reading on me and my siblings.

. I sometimes felt too emotional to maintain a calm exterior during really intense moments (I equated emotions with danger) like altar calls or punishments or questionings, and learned to distract myself as hard as I could until the emotions passed. I’d count things like nails in the boards on the walls, or I’d focus on my shoes, or I’d focus on my baby siblings and make sure they had their shoes tied etc. Eventually I got really good at just kind of zoning out, I remember very often feeling like I was floating in the corner of the room, looking down at all of us kneeling and praying. I wondered a lot if I was a robot or possessed, because my body didn’t feel familiar or as real as the people around me seemed. My body usually felt stiff and mechanical, like I was watching myself move from the outside. Maybe, I thought, that’s what dying to the flesh meant. When I broke down and felt emotions it was overwhelming and I would cry, which was punished, and shamed. Because of those times, I consider(ed) myself emotional in a sort of ‘hysterical/unreliable woman’ sense.

. I got good at autopilot when I had a lot of work to do, like from 9 years old or so. I remember waking up and relishing the hour or so of feeling ‘awake’ before I’d get tired and flip the switch to autopilot so I didn’t slow down. Working hard was the best thing a kid could do, really, the safest thing and the most encouraged virtue. I remember watching people who were considered hard workers and trying to copy them, I decided the trick to picking beans fast was to never let your hands stop moving. I really like watching my hands work, and wash dishes, pick beans, type. It’s kinda comforting, reassuring, safe, yknow? I can work through almost anything, pain and tiredness and nausea and emotions. I was always surprised by burnout. I also considered myself lazy, so it’s odd that objectively I was a hard worker. But today I’m not a hard worker, all my hard work was thanks to autopilot and numbing and dissociation.

. In my early teens, I got pretty good at just not having “negative” emotions. I’d never felt anger very strongly, but I began to feel less sadness or annoyance too. If I started feeling sad, I’d just stop. Distract. Numb. Life was not easy, so I was numb pretty much all the time. It was painful. Sometimes I couldn’t even get up to work, I’d just sit on my bed, which was punished of course but I had nothing in me to react to the punishment and nothing in me to give to my work so I just sat there and took it. I had a Bible study group that read this book which told of the author’s own experience with depression and how she found happiness via a combination of Christianity and gratitude journaling. I started looking for things to be thankful for. It was like a dam broke and I could finally FEEL something again: happiness. I found joy in everything. The sky, my work, the people around me, sounds, smells, trees, colors, banana muffins. Everything was still half awful, but I just decided that part wasn’t important. Go numb for the bad, experience the good. It let me function again. It worked for a while.

. Eventually, I had ✨ a meltdown ✨ I got diagnosed with ptsd. I hit a burnout point with my mission work + school + other job + multiple deaths of close loved ones + buried trauma beginning to resurface due to my coping skills wearing thin and my new relatively safe environment and supportive school friends. Covid was the last straw. I quit EVERYTHING. Mission work, school, other job, everything. And I finally felt anger, and sadness, and regret, and shame, and so much fear.

. All that bs in therapy about “let’s name the wall you’ve put up between you and your emotions, what would it be made of? Wood? Metal? Brick? Paper?” & “it’s safe to have emotions. Practice recognizing your emotions and telling them that it’s safe to be there.” didn’t seem like bs anymore. It actually helped make sense of the storm of emotions I was having. Because I hadn’t felt anger in so long, or at least not without it being kind of ‘intellectual’ or ‘in the distance’, I didn’t really recognize it. I just felt strongly and vaguely bad. But I started untangling it all and figuring out which emotion was which and different ways to recognize them and experience them and let them have their place. Making art helped, talking about it helped.

. The storm has died down now. I still numb regularly, often automatically, without thinking about it. But I do have all the emotions now, at least to some degree, and I know how to lean into them and process them a little better. I write down my emotions from the week and how it was, where it was, why it was, every week for therapy. Sometimes I have emotions at the right times and sometimes not. Usually I can mask them pretty well if I want to. I still can’t just cry, I can’t make noise when I cry, I haven’t been able to do that since I was very small. But at least I can cry again. My goal is no longer to Not Experience ‘Negative’ Emotions, it’s to give place to every emotion that I have. Wholeness, not Happiness. I feel more grounded. I have bad days, I have consecutive bad days.

And I am happy. I never really stopped being able to find joy in things, ever since that one Bible study book about gratitude. I’m really very lucky in that, I think. I have gone and can go through life enjoying it.

[dellinah]

I made a new icon after 84 years bc I needed to vent I guess

It doesn't look THAT different from the old one but at least it's an anthro one which I've wanted for forever since that's usually how I imagine/portray Talita as she is literally me and unfortunately I'm a human instead of being a little fox with no care in the world LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN

But instead I'm here worrying about burnout depression and my future so if you're only here for the furry art fair enough ill keep the rant in a read more

Anyway hi

I have absolutely not been doing well these past few weeks and I'd say some moments might have been close to being some of the worst in my life but I am so jaded by previous experiences that I barely notice how bad it's affecting me until it hits me at 3am and I can't sleep and I just realized I'm in it DEEP which makes me freak out even more

Apparently my way of coping with life and issues is ignoring them until the last minute and just repress the SHIT out of it until it hits me in the face (peak 'this is fine' dog meme) and that isn't working anymore bc now I am an adult whose actions have consequences

I have so much school stuff to catch up on bc I stalled a whole month that short of spending hours on end at it for the next month I don't see how I can catch up in time but my mental health does not allow that as I have been sleeping 15 hours a day and staying up all night and I am scared shitless of not making it bc I'm supposed to graduate soon so FUCK and i barely know how to start. I feel so dumb and left behind while everyone seems to have their shit put together and i canr ask for help without feeling like a parasite or like they'll judge me for it

I also have no idea what I want to do or how to go about life once I am graduated (if i graduate) and i hate it bc I am so godamn lost and I have like 2 months to figure it out

My mother has covid for the 3rd time somehow which means another wave of covid has been going on in my family but I guess I avoided that but I cant see them for a while and I also lost a 3rd person I loved and cared about to it a while back and I haven't even cried yet bc once again Im ignoring and repressing it

I had to take 2 shots at the same time for covid and influenza which knocked me out for 3 days straight and made me miss yet more school stuff and I haven't eaten an actual meal since bc I'm not awake most of the day anyway

My meds for anxiety and depression have started to have side effects after 5 or so years so fuck me i guess bc i gotta get them replaced which means a lot of trial and error and i dont have time for that rn bc once again im late as shit

I just feel like I'm falling apart and no one really knows or sees it bc I'm the one that everyone in the family goes to when there's a crisis and I kinda just wanna keep it that way but also I kinda just wanna break down sometimes too yknow but if I do then who will literally solve every problem they have bc they refuse to go to therapy and apparently nobody else can help them with anything it has to be me even when I'm busy otherwise I'm an ungrateful child

There's this weird paradox where everyone in the family sees me as immature and irresponsible and a liar but they also come to me for help and support bc GOD FORBID someone else helps them so I just dont wanna give them more reasons to see me as immature but keeping that image that everything is fine is HARD when I'm on the verge of giving up

Other than that I also have just been reflecting on past events in my life and I feel so bad about some of them. I had so many good friends that I lost bc we grew apart and I had some I lost bc I was a shitty person and I never got to apologize and I know I'll just always miss them. I was at such a good place mentally between 2013-2015 and I miss those times that I can never go back to. I was doing so well in 2018-2020 too before the pandemic wrecked it and now Im just so nostalgic for those times and I can't help but feel like I'm just gonna get worse and worse after so much lost time

But that's ok. I think it's going to be ok. I just need to kick my own ass

It's just a lot of damage control and getting over stuff even though it feels like days just pass by and I can't deal with it

So I sat down and drew this in a few hours bc I just wanted to finish something I started for once. I was happier with it before but I think it looks ok and it helped me figure out what I wanna change in my furry designs. and I guess I wanted to put myself in a sunny sunset where I'm just happy with nothing to worry about, yknow? If i cant be happy at least talita can

Hope days like that can come again soon. Problem is that it only depends on me. So... shiiiit

[moderngirlmp3]

hey i mean you want to talk about how long it took for me to answer this? because the answer is. too long. for absolutely no reason i'm so sorry

!!!! you should that would be so iconic of you tbh. if you do decide to Embark on an Artistic Journey, please send/post update pictures i love art dude. so much.

FHSKDLFJKSLDJF YOUR LIFE OR THEIRS. amazing joke i remember this !!! from the time i read half of this and promptly got distracted,, i'm sorry. looking at this, it's not even that long?? of a thing to answer??

YEAHHH people always say that audiobooks are great if you have trouble focusing on paper books or are busy and stuff and i Do Not Understand

!!!!! yes. this. that sounds wonderful and heck yeah! ideal house will trap you there forever but dw because it's voluntary and so nice <3

SUDOFIJSDKX AMAZING. bro i wish you were in my closet (in the least weird way possible i just. want to meet you irl) but !!! that's very swag. thievery <3 /hj but nonetheless that sounds like a very cool shirt.

mhmm i get you. i think the sheer amount of People being People would be too much, although it would be super cool to see a live concert performance thing,, yeehaw anywhoodles. !!! YEAH YEAH YEAH you've gotten me hooked on august is a fever lmao. a friend told me about motion sickness a little while ago and !! yes. very much agree.

ooh hm. i'd say operate by vesperteen and trying not to cry by cavetown (but. only the version on youtube. the spotify one's more electo-funky which is cool! but not exactly my vibe and it doesn't hit Nearly As Hard yknow)

!!! the little fuzzy gray willow bulb things. idk what they're called but they're so sOFT and wonderful. miss the most? probably being in person and at school with all my old friends. and i miss being good at school, which sounds all kinds of stuck-up but i think this might be my gifted child burnout year and Yikes. i miss,, i miss not worrying so much about gender. that's a lot of things but y eah.

i'm afraid that i'll drop my phone through the gap between the elevator car and the floor landing, because it'll just what. drop to the basement?? never be seen again?? and it looks like it could fit my phone but i can't be sure and i certainly don't want to test that theory shdfjskdl. something deep uhhh. i'm afraid that i'm lost in the sense of "everyone else knows what they want and i don't", or i'm afraid that i'm so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts that i just become. really goddamn stupid. idk dude i'm afraid of a lot of things usedhfjk

something mundane and something deep you're afraid of? what's something small that gets you excited? least favorite thing to receive as a gift? what color palette do you use on tumblr dot com? - 🌵

no literally and now i'VE taken forever to answer so i think. i think we're even. shfsdjfsdfkjsldfjslf

ahhh ok ok i have been doing random doodles in my notebooks and stuff so i will maybe spam u sometime!!

SDFJSLDFJSLFJ i wish u were in my closet too <333

oooh i will queue both of those songs rn and they will play while i answer the rest of this!! ill let u know what i think :D

okay update my wifi is out so i cant listen to them but I WILL LATER!!!

no no i also miss being good in school. switching from gifted kid to gifted kid burnt out stuff is literally the worst feeling im so sorry </33 also yeah gender... yeah

okay actually that is such a mood tho because i also have no idea what i want to do with anything and it feels like everyone around me is starting to figure it out and i just don't know

something mundane is probably just. bees. i am so fucking scared of bees every kind of bee even the ones ppl say are harmless. i legitimately get panic attacks sometimes and i just. can't do it. and ppl get ?? mad at me for this ??? theyre like oh but bees dont even wanna hurt u :( like okay im not trying to make them extinct im just saying i can't be around them without hyperventilating. thanks.

something deep.... definitely that my perception of myself is just 100% incorrect. i'm terrified that i've just completely misjudged myself and i'm nowhere near as self aware as i think, and that i'm nothing like how i've interpreted myself to be.

something small that gets me excited is for sure just going on my phone after a few hours of not being on it and seeing messages from friends. like. good morning messages or things sent while i was in class. things like that make me feel so <3333 like oh !! people think of me people like me that is so <3

least favorite thing to receive as a gift is for sure expensive things. i havent really received any but i just don't want to ?? like i would lose them really easily and for me theyre just objects so i wouldnt feel extra grateful?? idk. that doesn't make sense. but like for example someone gave me a super fancy pen for my birthday and like. okay thanks but it's just a pen?? i like normal cheap pens better sghsjdfsjf

dark mode dark mode dark mode !! might switch it to a halloween one tho for spooky season <3 probably not tho

what color palette are you on? whats your least favorite thing to receive as a gift? do you make wishlists for things? do you like floral patterns? what's something that made you angry today/recently? what's something that made you really happy?

[jovishark]

Oh my gosh I absolutely adore your art - I'm trying to learn how to draw and everything you make looks so great! I wanted to ask how long you've been drawing for and how did you start? Do you have any tips?

i started in the second/third grade by trying to draw animals out of encyclopedias and books. i never traced, but i would have my paper next to the picture and try to make the same kind of shapes yknow? i would also watch stuff like Danny Phantom and My Life As A Teenage Robot and pause it so i could draw the characters in the same kind of way. fifth grade i figured out what livejournal and deviantart was and started trying to do that kind of anime chibi style but it was sort of awkward learning how arms and faces worked? most of what i freehanded was like. zombie unicorns and dragons. typical fifth grade fare

i didnt get my tablet until like sixth grade when i started doing Homestuck and MLP fanart and posting it online. i dont think i got more than like 40 likes but i remember this one i did of karkat and eridan went up to 3k in prime homestuck fandom days, and thats kind of what kept me drawing and making more art was seeing how much other people liked it. 

im pretty sure it was freshman year of high school that i started askmarshandbroflovski with nadia and that was when i got REALLY into art. im sure if you look back through the blog its obvious when my art style started to actually Happen because i would sit down and draw maybe six things a day. i did livestreams back then too, which got me drawing stuff faster and faster. i got burnout pretty bad (thats also when i got an RSI so TAKE BREAKS OFTEN) but im thankful for all of that cause it was a huge art-type learning experience. 

now i still try to pay attention to shapes and contrast, but lately ive been stuck between what amount of cartoony or anatomically correct i want? i tend to overthink things especially when i draw so ive found myself spending more time on my art (and its ended up much more Stiff than it used to be)

my best tips if youre drawing on paper? dont worry about the paper. just draw tons of stuff. fill up pages completely with random stuff. practice fast sketches, big shapes, and dont get bogged down with detail until youre sure. just go through an entire pack of copy paper (thats what i used to do to the point where i would get one for christmas) and draw Often. if youre using a tablet, find an art program that you can customize brushes on (sai is good for simple applications and clip studio paint has Really detailed brushes and lots of photoshop-type options) and go absolutely NUTS on a canvas. flip your canvas a lot to make sure the angles arent getting awkward, but dont let it discourage you from drawing loose or funky art. experiment with colors and simple figures, too. when it comes to inspiration art, figure out what stuff you just like to look at and what stuff you would like to actually make. your style will develop overtime and sometimes Drastically, so looking back on your old stuff is helpful.

my favorite art advice comes from Matt Groening, who said to draw your characters with recognizable silhouettes and shapes unique to them, so they can be more easily known. shapes are important!

[boredofcinder]

෴ - Tell us about your day.

But you guys aren’t supposed to know my life is in shambles... 

Seriously tho, I’ve been slowly recovering from godawful burnout for months & just, taking a step back, yknow.  It’s not glamorous or exciting, or even reputable lmao, but that’s what I’ve gotta do right now :)  Just taking a sexy little break from grad school to focus on fighting my shadow self & making pancakes, so I can jump back in later with all the upgrades you get from that.  It’s a tactical thing.  It’s the grad school dlc you have to pay extra for but makes the overall experience so much better & has all the best loot (like self worth!).  Not much to report at the moment! 

I did work on an art commission today, which I could do another one of soon if anybody's interested 👀

[deviantexe-blog]

tag game & a mini playlist

tagged by: @de-chart! thanks, hon!!

tagging: @buckettkun and @cyberlifc! if you want to, you’re up!

how tall are you? 5′1! i’m shorter than all of my internet friends and that’s something i wear with pride.

what color are your eyes?  a greenish hazel—it depends on the day and the outfit, to be honest.

do you wear contacts and/or glasses? nope! i’m the only one in my family with 20/20 vision. livin’ on a prayer.

do you wear braces? i used to, and i couldn’t be happier that that period of my life is over with.

what is your fashion style?  high femme, darling. blouses, skirts, dresses, and a whole lot of high heels.

when were you born? january 20, 2000! i’m currently in adult limbo.

how old are you?  18! like i said, adult limbo.

do you have any siblings? i do! a little sister. she’s the smartest and most talented person i know.

what school/college do you go to? i’ll be going to a university in the city starting in the fall.

what kind of student are you? yknow that student alignment chart? i’m chaotic 4.0. honors program burnout, never studies, probably has at least one undiagnosed learning disorder and just barely scrapes by in all her classes.

what are your favorite subjects? psychology and film studies all the way. i’m majoring in the latter—the former’s just for fun.

what are your favorite movies? oh, gosh. blade runner, spirited away, arrival, molly’s game... there are a million.

what are your favorite pastimes?  writing, obviously! i don’t really have room in my life for much else.

do you have any regrets? sure. but given the chance, i wouldn’t change a thing.

what is your dream job? the dream, the absolute dream, is writing and directing my own movie or tv show. i’d also settle for anything else in that vein—screenwriter, showrunner, etc.

would you like to get married? i think i would, yes!

do you want kids? how many? oof. that’s a hard no. i do not like children.

how many countries have you visited? about four, i think?

what was your scariest dream? i used to be really afraid of werewolves, and i had this recurring nightmare where one chased me through a wheat field. even now, years later, i admit it was pretty fucked up.

do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other? nope! pretty girls are welcome to hmu, though. ♡

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping, list the first 15 songs:

god is a woman, ariana grande

be mean, dnce

honey, kehlani

soldier, poet, king, the oh hellos

livin’ thing, electric light orchestra

skyfall, adele

if you leave me now, charlie puth & boyz ii men

sh boom (life could be a dream), kenny vance and the pianotones

completely, caro emerald

sangria wine, pharrell williams & camila cabello

generous, olivia holt

americans, janelle monae

all the stars, kendrick lamar & sza

curious, hayley kiyoko

top knot turn up, madame gandhi & ruxell

my music taste is... very all over the place.