#but i also respect those who decided that moving on was healthier for them. i miss you and im sorry for how it ended

[m00nt4r0t]

✮ what makes you a star? ✮

pile one, two, or three?

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ pile one

you take the time for the little things, pile one. other people may see putting on chap stick or making their bed as mundane things to do, but you incorporate these little things into your routine to create a certain environment for yourself. for another example, lighting a candle. others may forget they even bought a candle, but you use the candle in order to make yourself feel more at home, or you could even practice a form of candle magick (with or without knowing.) you may be a bit of a perfectionist, which means you pay very close attention to detail in whatever it is you do and possibly even in what others do. you could be picky about who you work with or who you give your time and energy to. you could also be very precise about the decor in your room, how you style your clothes, the way you do your makeup, how you put your hair up, etc etc. you're also a very intuitive being and you know when to express yourself and when not to. others may be quick to confess their dying love to someone, but you like to take your time and observe the person before you decide whether you truly love them or not. you're not desperate for other people's energy, pile one. you know that your energy is enough for you and any outside energy is just a bonus (when they're good for you, that is.) i feel like you're the type to write out how you feel in a journal or secret online space before you express your feelings to others, which is a good way to process how you feel and determine whether you even want to express that in the first place. people may see you as someone who is unrealistic, but that is because of the limitations they put on themselves. for example, if you want to be a famous movie director, people think that's far-fetched simply because they don't see how you could achieve that because they don't think they themselves could achieve it. but you're not them, you're you. you have a very active and expansive imagination, which is great for people who shoot for the stars. do not allow these people to limit your imagination, i am begging you! imagination is one of the most important things human beings were born with and it was stripped away through social programming, so it's even a miracle that you still have such a wild one. it's truly a gift. you are a star because you're your own person and, despite what other people think, you go outside the norm and it shocks people. please never stop being you, we need people like you in this world!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ pile two

some of you also chose pile one, didn't you? if not then i think those who chose this pile will also resonate with pile one. moving on, you are also a very intuitive being and you tend to keep your emotions and psychic messages to yourself most of the time. i feel like you guys are on the journey to self-love and you're realizing your worth and what you will & won't accept from others (and even from yourself.) you could be incorporating healthier routines and mindsets into your life because you realize that your mind and body deserve better than they may have been receiving. this could go for matters of the heart, as well. you are very, very creative and you could unconsciously be this way. you don't have to try too hard to come up with ideas, they come to you naturally. others may spend hours, days and even months trying to come up with something new to do for a creative project, but the ideas come to you as if they were already on their way to you, if you get what i mean. it seems like the ideas were just waiting for the right time to enter your brain. i feel as though you are very firm when it comes to your boundaries and if people do not respect them, you cut them off and move along. you may be someone who seeks justice in more cold ways, such as blocking someone without an explanation or showing no emotion whenever you do tell them why you will no longer give them your energy. although you are a very loving person, you do balance love with logic very nicely. so not only are you able to view a situation logically, but you're also able to use your intuition in the situation to better piece the puzzle together. you are very wise and knowledgeable, even if you're young, pile two. others may see you as a mentor or counsellor in some way. they know that they will receive the best advice from you, because like i stated before, you're able to balance logic and emotions. not only do you validate people's emotions, you give them the logical side of the situation as well to help them process more efficiently. i also feel like you're able to achieve your goals quicker and easier than others might. you may take short-cuts or just figure out more effective ways to get something(s) done. people may see you as a magician or just someone who's extraordinary because of this. and even when you do experience delays, you get through it or you finish something else in order to keep the ball rolling. you're a star for many, many reasons, pile two. don't box yourself into just one category, you're not meant to be kept in a box!

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ pile three

okay, honestly all the piles feel like a continuation of each other so if you feel called to read them all, then please be my guest and do so! but i feel like you, pile three, are breaking negative cycles in your life that may have kept you from feeling like the star you are deep down. you could have gone through moment of deep introspection, self-discovery and spiritual awakenings that led you to release what doesn't serve you anymore. you realized patterns in your life and you're doing your best to break these patterns and create newer, better ones that will awaken the star inside of you. you may have felt like you had bad luck in the past, but i'm seeing that you still have a very intuitive, loving and creative nature that never left you, even if you thought it did at one point. it may have remained idle inside of you, but it never left. you're accepting and understanding the responsibilities you have and will have to take care of, which a lot of people find hard to do, including myself. i'm seeing that you learned how to turn a bad day into a better day solely based on your mindset. for example, instead of waking up and saying "i hate that i have to work today" you wake up and say "i'm ready to make some money today." new day, new dollar, am i right? lol. i was actually thinking about this last night so it's interesting this is coming up in this reading today. i feel like you're being more selfish with your energy and time, not giving it to everyone who asks for it. you take more time to feel your feelings instead of feeling guilty, silly or whatever else you may used to feel. just like pile one, you may journal your feelings before you decide if you want to express them to others. you're taking more time to care for yourself, love yourself, understand yourself, and most importantly, accept yourself. you may be getting yourself out of the habit of being co-dependent. instead of looking to others for validation, you look within. after all, this is your life. why care about what other people think instead of yourself? you're going to spend the most time with yourself than anybody else, so make sure you like yourself before you worry about what others think of you. i feel like you created more space and quietness for your intuition. you may have been meditating or training your mind to stay quiet so you can easily receive messages. you're a star because you're giving yourself the love, time and attention that you used to give others. you're building yourself up while loving your past self as well.

thank you for reading and interacting! <3

masterlist ⭑ personal readings ⭑ patreon

[realmyths]

What caused you to start writing? What was your key point? How do you describe writing / rp to others? What is your favorite canon muse? Who is your favorite OC? How do you create an OC? What are your steps for developing an OC? FC or story first when you develop an OC? What’s something you find weird on here? What are things that you don’t wish to see on here?

I've liked writing since a young age, and I think it was my love of reading which spurred my love of writing. But for RPing, someone was looking for someone to write Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter in an RP group on a seperate site (not Tumblr) when I was like 13. Seeing as she was my favorite character, I decided to do it. I went on to RP many many more muses on other sites before moving to Tumblr.

My favorite canon muse that I RP now is a tie between Ciri, The Thirteenth Doctor, Dany, and Arya. As for favorite muses I've RPed ever, I'd also add Clara Oswald, Luna, and Cinna from The Hunger Games to the list. I might just bring Clara back one day heheh. <3

My favorite OC is super hard to choose and changes all the time but at the moment, I'd say it's a tie between Persephone, Victoria, Alex, Hope, Farryn, and Esme. Also Aphrodite, she's just fun to play for some reason. LOL.

How I create an OC varies from muse to muse. Usually I'll think of a backstory and personality for them first, and then choose a FC. But sometimes I have a vague concept and pick a FC and then further develop the muse.

I'd say I develop my OCs just through RPing them. The more I RP them, the more I get to know them as a person. And hopefully that comes across. <3

Usually story first, or at least a vague idea of one. Then FC. But it depends on the muse TBH.

I find the focus on graphics for promos and icons weird. Like no hate to anyone who enjoys making pretty promos and icons. But it shouldn't be a requirement or that important, in my opinion. I think the writing is what really matters. And everything else is extra, you know? I also find some callouts (not the serious ones) weird, in that people will put like "ships thing I dislike" or "likes character I hate" as a serious offense, almost like it's bigotry. And I find that strange as well. If someone's being offensive in how they write a muse, by all means call that out. But just someone shipping a ship or liking a character, I don't think needs to be mentioned most of the time. (Unpopular opinion, maybe? IDK. LOL)

I don't really mind most things. But I have to say, I get somewhat annoyed when there are people who spend their time in OOC posts getting upset at other people for liking XYZ thing they don't like. I get the need to rant. I get it. There are plenty of things I dislike. But I feel like as a RPC, if someone plays a muse you dislike or ships something you don't like, just do your best to ignore it. Blacklist tags, unfollow/block people as needed. But making tons of posts about it won't change other people's minds. And might upset some RP partners who don't feel the same way. So I feel like, if someone likes something you dislike, feel free to vent about it if you need to. I'm not going to tell people what to do. But maybe keep it to a minimum, if you can.

Also, any callouts that are pretty much just the same thing. Like "don't follow this person they ship XYZ thing." or "they write this muse" or "they write XYZ problematic topic". And for the last one, I get it. There are topics I won't write. But I feel like it's each RPers job to curate their own blog. And like just don't follow people who write things you don't want to, ya know? Or if you do follow, make your boundaries clear in your rules. And if someone doesn't respect those boundaries? Block them. That, to me seems a lot healthier than calling people out for writing XYZ thing that you dislike or think is wrong. Obviously, if someone writes a muse in a way that's offensive to a marginalized group or something, and they don't listen to feedback, a callout would make sense. But let's say someone writes a ship someone thinks is unhealthy, or a muse someone thinks is a bad person (depending on what that entails, etc. Like if someone's writing a bigoted muse, it might be worth looking into etc. But it really depends on the muse and their story. At least for me.), or even writes a topic that would be wrong if it was IRL. As long as that person is not forcing anyone to write XYZ with them, I don't personally see the need for a callout in that case. But this might be an unpopular opinion as well. Personally, I prefer to focus on callouts where someone is being prejudiced or disrespecting people's boundaries, etc. rather than "they wrote icky things or things I dislike." Now if someone tries to force someone else to write things they don't want to, in that case a callout would be warranted. Like if someone made me write incest or abuse or rape in a thread. Now if I agreed to write such topics that would be a different story, but since it's in my rules that I don't, due to how triggering they can be to others, I would expect that to be respected. But if someone else WANTS to write a thread about any of those topics, while I would not personally do so, I do respect their right to write about it if and only if, everyone who's writing it with them genuinely wants to explore such dark things. In my opinion, writing should be a safe place to explore everything and anything without any people being harmed. But if people are forced to write topics they don't want to, then real people are being harmed, and I would support any callouts of that nature. I hope I'm making some kind of sense. LOL. And if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask. <3

Oh, and I forgot you on the other ask, but I also get happy when I see you on my dash, @uncxntrxllable ! <3 <3 <3

[freifraufischer]

On blocking...

Blocking is something it took me a very long time to embrace in part because I started out my internet life in a space where I thought that strong voices should engage those who they saw as damaging as a kind of champion for weaker voices who didn't want to engage. I like to engage in healthy debate and discussion and try to admit when I'm wrong but I also recognize that many of the people who I see as destructive can see me the same way.

I existed science fiction and fantasy fandoms for decades with this stance even when there were rape and death threats flying around at queer and lesbian voices.

But when I moved into gym fandom I really found that it was much healthier for me to block those that I didn't consider to be people arguing in good faith. There is a huge amount of gatekeeping behavior but also people who pass around outright myths that they may have learned in the community and hold onto strongly that can be disproven in reading and watching historical sources.

But what's more I think that for some people it's very important to block ME as well. My style of engaging in a fandom activity is intense and I know and accept that it isn't how others want to spend their free time. As a consequence i do my best to resist the urge to look at posts from people who block me (unless I'm trying to understand the context of a discussion that someone else is having) and even then I think it's important not to engage the direct content of the person who has blocked me. They have clearly said they do not want to engage with me and I feel like they have that right. I have been note to edit a comment of my own after a block if the person who blocked me did so after replying to me so that I can not respond to whatever they've plopped in my inbox before the block... but that's as far as it goes.

Twice this week someone who I had blocked months ago because they were generally unpleasant (and because I believed they were someone who was sending me abusive anon messages on tumblr that lead me to turn off anon) decided to reply to things I said indirectly ("because I can't reply"). I and others who read these posts saw it as an attempt to argue with me through my block and for my own good (and to avoid being baited) I decided it was better for me to not read the content of these messages. And that's kind of broadly what I want to urge people.

If someone has you blocked don't read their posts. Don't go into an incognito window to see what they said. Even if you think they are very wrong don't try to correct them. Ignore their existence. If it's me ignore my existence.

Participation in a conversation on the internet should be entirely voluntary.

A block isn't an admission of defeat or a character judgement of the other person. It is a way of saying "I do not consent to participating in this conversation". And what's more many people (including occasionally me) use the feature in order to prevent the temptation to argue in a way that isn't healthy for themselves. Boundaries are important and learning to respect them no matter if you are 16 or 60 is important.

[formashimataichi]

I really like the way you view things and how you articulate it very well. I have the same thoughts as you but couldn’t put it to words so I’m really happy reading your thoughts on the ending. I just want to ask what you think about the main 3 resolutions by the end, for Taichi, Chihaya, Arata respectively. Do you feel like they are OOC? Are you are satisfied with the conclusion or if not, what aspects in the ending would you have liked to be expounded more if given more pages?

my thoughts on this are a little disorganized so this will be a more informal answer lol (and ty for the compliment omg i am very flattered!) but yes i'm personally very pleased with the individual character resolutions.. like i think everyone sort of went into this last chapter expecting that it would be about those conclusive character arc moments for every member of the trio but idk in retrospect now i think the moment each member hugged their younger self was supposed to be that resolution. so like technically chihaya and arata already got their personal closure with themselves and that was what thereby allowed them to win their overall matches. and taichi finally got personal closure with himself in this chapter. that's why to me in terms of individual focus there was more of an emphasis on shinobu and suou in this chapter bc their personal closure had to come as a result of loss. but for the main trio their personal closure had to come as a result of them being okay with who they were as children while also having the strength to move forward. and with that internal conflict settled on chihaya and arata's end in earlier chapters they were then allowed to focus on external conflicts, namely, their relationships with taichi, or their empathy and camaraderie with respect to shinobu and suou. that's why i didn't feel as thrown off by the lack of extensive individual focus on them in the last chapter. their conjoined dreams kicked off this story certainly but they also expanded to encompass more than just that initial connection they had with each other. hence why i believe the highest expression of chihaya's win in the end was to emphasize on her relationships with shinobu and chitose, and the highest expression of arata's win in the end was to emphasize on his now proud, comfortable remembrance of his grandfather. and on taichi's end obv there was no win but he now knew there was no need to be uncomfortable with distance and that the friendship between him and chihaya and arata would always exist no matter what. that's also why the ending with them not being together as i already said feels really ingenious to me bc like! in the long term is it really healthy to imagine a future where all three of them can only maintain a friendship if they're physically in the same city. not remotely! being okay with distance knowing you'll always have something that brings you back is healthier and way more realistic and i think it's what suetsugu's been building up to the whole time now that i look back

the pages post-matches to me acted as a kind of bonus. not necessarily central plot related but not entirely extraneous of it either. chihaya remained beholden to no one bc her feelings were her matter and she would express them whenever she wanted to and how she wanted to as was her right all along. taichi being reciprocated was as no result of him "earning" chihaya's reciprocation bc it was never meant to be earned in the first place and a good chunk of his arc dealt with coming to terms with the harm of his own entitlement. arata deciding not to give up on chihaya was emblematic not only of his newfound resolve with respect to all obstacles in his life, but also of the general idea that to be and remain in love is not worthless for lack of a reciprocation on our own timeline or terms

i think suetsugu has one of the healthiest mindsets regarding romance i have ever seen from an author. so on one hand do the sort of discordant reactions from across all of fandom surprise me. ya. but i suppose they're not entirely unexpected either bc she diverges quite strongly from what mainstream shoujosei tends to espouse. a girl's feelings aren't realistically constricted to a narrative structure and she's not required to be accountable to anyone for not possessing the right feelings at the right time. she's just a girl. she has dreams and a life and she is most importantly still growing and changing and her emotional mishmash doesn't owe explanation to anyone unless it's actively doing harm. which ig people believe she is doing by not responding to someone's feelings properly, whether that's a sentiment that has come from taichi fans or is coming now from arata fans. but i think in a sense we've pathologized romance and romantic feelings to the point where we believe that if we (and this applies to women esp) don't explicitly justify or negate someone's romantic feelings for us then we're not doing right by them and idk i just.. really really disagree with that tbh! not to extrapolate this far bc obv taichi and arata are nowhere near being in the realm of men who are violently reactionary in the face of what they believe to an improper rejection but it's this mindset that we're entitled to women's feelings and that they have to reject us a certain way for them to get us off their case that leads to so much misogynist violence. and i do think suetsugu is trying to make a statement about that entitlement, simply within the scope of her narrative and her characters. so to see the way arata reacts to finding out taichi and chihaya are dating is quite refreshing to me bc like. instead of being genuinely sulky or angry he just makes a joke about it and moves on and decides he's going to continue loving chihaya. i don't think that's him imposing on her or disrespecting her ability to decide who she has feelings for. he's just expressing his own feelings comfortably bc he has them and they're not suddenly going to disappear. i can admit though that like. ig the 18-28 joke comes off a little cringe like maybe suetsugu could have chosen a better joke to make. but i don't think arata is suddenly an incel where he's never acted like one before lmao like let's relax

ultimately i think the only main problem i have with the last chapter is the pacing like i probably would have put more pages in between the matches conclusion and graduation season timeskip and then i think i would have made the conversations at the start of the new tournament cycle just a little less rushed. like i'm happy with the resolutions arata got and i vehemently disagree with the idea that him not being reciprocated by chihaya suddenly means suetsugu doesn't give a rat's ass about him but maybe it would have been nice to yknow see him start preparing to come to tokyo and having that closure with the fact that he's come to be happy where he is in fukui but he's also looking forward to the new future he's forging in tokyo. idk what else there would have been to say about chihaya and her page time was fine to me like we got the shinobu closure and the chitose closure and the romantic closure which were pretty much the big loose ends she had on a personal level. with taichi i might have liked seeing some sort of convo between him and his mom about the decisions he's making regarding his future but who knows maybe we'll get that in spin-off content (or on the flip side ig we do know that no relationship is immediately mended and the qualifiers were a sign that they're working on it slowly but surely). if anything i know the anime production occurs at a snail's pace and it may be ten years before we even get to a point where this finale is animated lol but i feel like they'd be able to smooth these parts over so they come across a little less haphazardly than they do in the pages. i do feel like suetsugu could have stretched it out to one more official chapter though just so it felt as seamless as her stuff usually does like ig she got excited bc it was the end and she's put it off so many times already and obv eighty page is already a huge number but yknow. an extra chapter probably would not have hurt

[dellinah]

I made a new icon after 84 years bc I needed to vent I guess

It doesn't look THAT different from the old one but at least it's an anthro one which I've wanted for forever since that's usually how I imagine/portray Talita as she is literally me and unfortunately I'm a human instead of being a little fox with no care in the world LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN

But instead I'm here worrying about burnout depression and my future so if you're only here for the furry art fair enough ill keep the rant in a read more

Anyway hi

I have absolutely not been doing well these past few weeks and I'd say some moments might have been close to being some of the worst in my life but I am so jaded by previous experiences that I barely notice how bad it's affecting me until it hits me at 3am and I can't sleep and I just realized I'm in it DEEP which makes me freak out even more

Apparently my way of coping with life and issues is ignoring them until the last minute and just repress the SHIT out of it until it hits me in the face (peak 'this is fine' dog meme) and that isn't working anymore bc now I am an adult whose actions have consequences

I have so much school stuff to catch up on bc I stalled a whole month that short of spending hours on end at it for the next month I don't see how I can catch up in time but my mental health does not allow that as I have been sleeping 15 hours a day and staying up all night and I am scared shitless of not making it bc I'm supposed to graduate soon so FUCK and i barely know how to start. I feel so dumb and left behind while everyone seems to have their shit put together and i canr ask for help without feeling like a parasite or like they'll judge me for it

I also have no idea what I want to do or how to go about life once I am graduated (if i graduate) and i hate it bc I am so godamn lost and I have like 2 months to figure it out

My mother has covid for the 3rd time somehow which means another wave of covid has been going on in my family but I guess I avoided that but I cant see them for a while and I also lost a 3rd person I loved and cared about to it a while back and I haven't even cried yet bc once again Im ignoring and repressing it

I had to take 2 shots at the same time for covid and influenza which knocked me out for 3 days straight and made me miss yet more school stuff and I haven't eaten an actual meal since bc I'm not awake most of the day anyway

My meds for anxiety and depression have started to have side effects after 5 or so years so fuck me i guess bc i gotta get them replaced which means a lot of trial and error and i dont have time for that rn bc once again im late as shit

I just feel like I'm falling apart and no one really knows or sees it bc I'm the one that everyone in the family goes to when there's a crisis and I kinda just wanna keep it that way but also I kinda just wanna break down sometimes too yknow but if I do then who will literally solve every problem they have bc they refuse to go to therapy and apparently nobody else can help them with anything it has to be me even when I'm busy otherwise I'm an ungrateful child

There's this weird paradox where everyone in the family sees me as immature and irresponsible and a liar but they also come to me for help and support bc GOD FORBID someone else helps them so I just dont wanna give them more reasons to see me as immature but keeping that image that everything is fine is HARD when I'm on the verge of giving up

Other than that I also have just been reflecting on past events in my life and I feel so bad about some of them. I had so many good friends that I lost bc we grew apart and I had some I lost bc I was a shitty person and I never got to apologize and I know I'll just always miss them. I was at such a good place mentally between 2013-2015 and I miss those times that I can never go back to. I was doing so well in 2018-2020 too before the pandemic wrecked it and now Im just so nostalgic for those times and I can't help but feel like I'm just gonna get worse and worse after so much lost time

But that's ok. I think it's going to be ok. I just need to kick my own ass

It's just a lot of damage control and getting over stuff even though it feels like days just pass by and I can't deal with it

So I sat down and drew this in a few hours bc I just wanted to finish something I started for once. I was happier with it before but I think it looks ok and it helped me figure out what I wanna change in my furry designs. and I guess I wanted to put myself in a sunny sunset where I'm just happy with nothing to worry about, yknow? If i cant be happy at least talita can

Hope days like that can come again soon. Problem is that it only depends on me. So... shiiiit

[demilypyro]

lengthy ramblings about my 2021

I’ll be honest, 2021 was a particularly rough year for me. Not for the obvious reasons, I didn’t catch Covid or end up in financial trouble, but as the year started I did lose a lot of the supportive relationships around me. My mental health had taken a bad turn near the end of last year and I struggled to keep it together through the quarantine loneliness and mounting stress of being a low-income content creator subject to public scrutiny. Years-long friendships ended, my longest-ever relationship broke apart, and I found myself alone and psychologically unable to put my trust in people in a more extreme way than ever. I eventually started having regular panic attacks and ended up seeking professional help. I got drugs for the panic attacks, but I’m still waiting on therapy for the underlying issues. Waiting lists on that are real long right now, not really surprising.

As the months passed I slowly managed to put myself back together, with the regular victories and setbacks one might expect. I’m still a stress volcano of anxiety, but my general outlook and level of self-respect are a lot better now. I’ve come to realize that a lot of those relationships I had were... not really healthy, and that working to change as a person was always gonna jeopardize them. I’m trying to connect with people in a healthier way now, and just not connect at all with others. I’ve decided to be less desperate not to lose people, since that was exactly what caused me a lot of strife. I still need to fix my various personality flaws, but I might have more success with that now that I’m with some people who understand them.

On the topic of change, obviously my hormone therapy continued, and I have to say the results have been staggering, no complaints there. My family seems to have completely accepted my gender identity, and I’m quite fond of the way my body and presentation are developing. I’m considering the possibility of getting out there and dating new people in the new year, though obviously I’ll have to wait for quarantine regulations to relax first. Also, no segue, but I picked up drums earlier this year. I’m not very good yet, but that’s exactly because I’m trying to be casual with it, not stress myself out about improving which has gotten me to quit so many hobbies before.

I’m entering 2022 in a weird spot. A lot of stuff is pretty bad, some stuff is better than ever. I still can’t afford to move out of my dad’s house, I’d really like to get there this coming year, though I’ll need to start earning a lot more money for that with how the Dutch housing market is. I’ve definitively dropped out of college now, up to a few months ago I was still “taking a hiatus for mental health reasons” but have now made it clear to all involved that with Covid still being so huge and me finally earning decent money on Twitch, that I don’t intend to return in the near future, and just want to focus on streaming, so that’s something. I became a Twitch partner near the end of this year so I have to take that as a sign that I have a future in this job and should just give it my all... or, yknow, I’ll become destitute. Whatever happens happens.

I dunno. Life goes on.

[koushisatori]

if you can't believe in others, at least believe in us

kyoutani x gn!reader

genre: as ordered: a bit of angst w a touch of comfort

warnings: one (1) big jealous idiot, miscommunication

word count: 5.4k

note: this is smth an anon asked me to do (but like...nearly a year ago, I'm not sure if anon is still there or if they remember and my dumbass deleted the ask so I just beta-ed through whatever I had but I know they called me out on enjoying jealous characters so here we go) I'm sorry, mysterious anon, I'm stupid </3 Anyway, that's that. I don't remember if reader was supposed to be female or not so I made it gn!reader (but if I forgot to change something, pls tell me so I can fix any errors c: It's also my first attempt I apologize in advance)

In the beginning, you weren't sure why your boyfriend is ignoring you

You can't remember doing something that would annoy him, nor do you remember an instant of anger in his eyes that would give you a hint about his reasoning to stay away from you

He explained early on that sometimes he just needs a day of distance because Kentarou could feel the anger simmering right under the surface, enough that something small could tick him off already, and he would hate if you were on the receiving end of this unexplained fury

Both of you also made sure to promise each other to clearly communicate, the relationship between the two of you would not last long if you're not properly telling each other what might be bothering or hurting...just in general cross a boundary

Communication probably was one of the most important aspects of your relationship

cue to the actual situation: your boyfriend avoiding you

So, Monday evening you think maybe it's this overwhelming sensation of unexplained anger and that something at morning practice ticked him off completely

But then Tuesday comes and goes, and your boyfriend had avoided you all day long, did not even bother to read your messages,

on Wednesday, you try to talk to him, but all he does is glaring at you with a look that leaves you speechless and kind of heartbroken,

Thursday is the day you're replaying everything you did on Monday, trying to find something that he could have misunderstood, yet no matter how hard you think about it…your brain won't come up with a reason that explained why Kentarou was so upset with you!

So you decide to make him talk to you on Friday

Enough is enough, right? For gods' sake, he is your boyfriend! You miss him and his strong arms that give hugs so warm that you melt right into them

You don't get a second alone with him until school ends

you practically sprint out of the school building over to the gym, knowing that he had a free hour, which means that he is probably the first person there - your only chance

There he is, sitting with his back to you, aggressively chewing on a bun filled with chicken - his usual that reminded him of his favorite dish - glaring holes into the ground

After taking a deep breath to calm yourself, you carefully aks: ''Kentaro…Ken…?'', slowly stretching out your hand, wanting to rest it on his shoulder to maybe help to soothe him a bit

he flinches instead and his heated, agitated gaze meets your eyes, making you recoil in return

''…will you talk to me, I miss you…'' you say softly, realizing how it hurt being ignored by him

''Ah, suddenly you miss me…'' he spits, narrowing his eyes ''…didn't fucking seem like it the last time I saw you…''

''Kentaro, baby, I have no idea what you mean,'' you plead, keeping your voice low to hide the desperation lacing it, confusion written all over your features

all Kyoutani does is growl, hopping down from where he's sitting while shouldering his gym bag

''...shouldn't have been so flirty with Shittykawa like that then-'' he grumbles - ''Ken, I didn't-'' you insist, but he continues ''twirling your hair, batting your pretty eyelashes at him, fuck you Y/N, if you want him, then feel free to take a fucking leave" Kyoutani cusses, not even listening to you

You shake your head, ''Kentaro, no, you totally misunderstood the situation,'' you follow up, panic seeping into your voice now that you knew what he referred to, ''I love yo-''

''Tsk'', he moves to leave

you try to take his hand but, instead of turning around, Kyoutani just rips it away from you, tucking it into the pocket of his jacket

from behind you, you hear Yahaba and Oikawa approaching (talking about Volleyball and Captains duties)

once they guessed what must have happened, they offered you their help (they both swear that Kyoutani will never ever find a ''cute s/o as you are, y/n-chan, I'm worried for my little angry pomeranian kohai'' )

Usually, you would try to talk to him, but after enduring a week of radio silence and now this treatment, you were tired of upholding something that seemed like a lost cause

you just wave both setters off and leave the school grounds, a frown plastered onto your lips and tears swimming in your eyes

Kentarou had not listened to you, did not even really look at you, and the few seconds he did, his eyes were filled with rage instead of the warmth he had usually reserved for you (and only for you)

If your boyfriend thinks avoiding you for a week and blaming you for something ridiculous without hearing you out is how you handle a relationship…maybe you would have to consider not pursuing it any longer

Which is easier said than done

The whole night you wait for a message, anything, and then all Saturday morning

you still had hope left

You get one from Yahaba, who tells you that Oikawa tried to clear up the situation as well after the reason for your fight dawned on him (Kyoutanis piss poor mood and behavior towards him a strong indicator) but Kentaro, again, just ran off

The future team captain even called you after your lackluster answer, listening to you getting the frustration and sadness out of your system

It didn't matter, right? Your boyfriend decided to unofficially call it quits by implying that your feelings for him were not genuine instead of using his mouth to talk to you and disregarding everyone involved

as if he wanted to ignore the truth as a convenient excuse to get out of your relationship

that's the conclusion your brain came up with

You softly sniffle in the privacy of your room, clutching a pillow to your chest (which has seen more tears in the last two days than in the past three years), deciding that it would be a good idea to go into the city to treat yourself

knowing that your mother has a hair-dresser appointment somewhen today, you go and announce that you would join her to finally buy the latest season of your favorite series

once there, you additionally get microwave popcorn, chocolate, and ice cream, as well as a pretty shirt you saw on a mannequin while window shopping

you feel a lot better after spending some money and ignoring the lingering sadness of your presumable break up with Kyoutani (who you love ok, it is not that easy)

In between your stops, you meet Iwaizumi and Oikawa munching on fatty burgers (celebrating your cheat days like a holiday and indulging in whatever your heart desires, is what makes it easier to stick with healthier habits the rest of the time was the questionable explanation coming from the brown-haired setter, pointing at you with a soggy potato fry)

after a moment, the setters eyes turn sad, a frown replacing the smile on his lips

he wraps his fingers around your wrist to stop you from going just yet, apologizing for being the cause of your fight and for being unable to talk some sense into him

(you assure him that it is not his fault, knowing that your friend will probably brood over it otherwise, which wouldn't be fair)

Iwaizumi adds that Kyoutani will come around and that his cooldown time is just longer than those of other people (and if not, he will give him one of his famous volleyballs to the head and use his status as only truly respected senpai to talk some sense into him) but you again decline their suggestions

after saying goodbye (and seeing Iwaizumi give his best friend an assuring gentle pat on his shoulder, the secret softy in the usual harsh ace shining through)

If Kentaro was willing...able to throw away your relationship this easily, he can't possibly really love you, and you'd accept this even if it's hard and painful

Now remembered of what you had attempted to forget about, you feel your eyes sting with unshed tears (you thought there was no possibility of you having more tears to spill, yet the impossible seemed to be the case) you look down at your phone to text your mom and frown

Kentaro 🥰: we need to talk. Kentaro 🥰: meet me there [location]

For a second, you hesitate, biting your lower lip harshly…you really want to go and talk to him but…

The tears still sting in your eyes and blurring your view reminded you of what you had gone through the whole time, and that it was his turn to finally come to you

break up or makeup, the ball was in his court now

so while walking to where your mother would be waiting for you, you begin to type

You: No.

You: I waited for you all week, even though you ignored me, and now you expect me to run the moment you choose to stop being a childish idiot?

You: if you decide to speak to me then comqjdkn

Kentarou wouldn't say he feels particularly bad. Not at all! If someone was to ask him, he would probably answer fucking peachy, what the fuck are you asking for or growl angrily. No one would bat an eye and further question him, nor guess that maybe he wasn't as great as he pretended because he missed his gorgeous better half, but…it was his fault, wasn't it?

Of course, he originally thought he had a valid reason to be upset. And if he had just spoken to you about it, everything would be solved now. Instead of being a decent boyfriend, though, his pride overtook his thinking processes once he realized that his behavior wasn't even the slightest bit justified. Not that he knew this when he saw you speaking with Shittykawa right before school. All he could see was his gorgeous s/o shyly fiddling with her fingers, conversing with a leaned forward, very involved Oikawa Tooru. He would have fetched you away from the brown-haired setter. He had no qualms about showing his possessiveness. God, Kentarou wouldn't have hesitated to growl at the tall, brown-haired boy if not for the question he heard coming from the Captain.

''Y/N-chan, how is it that you, an adorable, charming individuum, is with a brute like Mad Dog-chan? I really-'' Well, that's where he decided to leave you with the setter. He didn't need to hear your answer. Didn't want to witness an excuse or maybe the truth. If both of you were so fucking smitten with each other to flirt this blatantly, why don't you just go and cheer for him, hold his hand, and kiss his cheek goodbye? It was his choice to distance himself.

Kyoutani couldn't help the feeling of betrayal and hurt washing over him. Maybe you just used him as a stepping stone to get closer with Oikawa, and Kyoutani has been too blind to see it. He never doubted you or your relationship before, but it's not a secret how eruptive Kyoutani could be. It has always been beyond his imagination how someone so cute and sweet like you could love a person like him. Your friends thought so. The teachers. The whole school! Everyone questioned your poor judgment. And when you came running up to him, you're cheery voice calling out for him, everyone present looked at you like you grew a second head. It's the reason why seeing you with Trashykawa ticked him off so bad. It catered to his biggest insecurities and fears. He knew that all those skeptics would be delighted to see you, everyone's darling, with the schools' star setter. They all would agree that the pretty, handsome young man is a better fit than the always hostile-looking troublemaker.

While Kyoutani didn't take Oikawa seriously in most cases, he undoubtedly was one of the most devoted people Kentarou had ever met. If Oikawa wanted to get a new serve right, he wouldn't stop trying and repeating it until his legs gave in, and Iwaizumi dragged him out of the gym. When he wanted to find more advanced players to practice with, so he could, in return, give this new knowledge to his team, there was no way he would not manage to make it happen. Even if his ideas, wishes, and plans cost him blood, sweat, and tears (like getting Kyoutani to actually train), Oikawa never backed down. Kentarou had heard that Oikawa's last girlfriend dumped him because of his passion for Volleyball. Yet Kyoutani couldn't help but think that, in you, the ambitious setter would have found someone that would be able to handle it. You usually came over to watch the team when you knew that Kyoutani was there to play. You sat on the stands with your homework in your lap and a Seijoh-coloured pencil wiggling between your fingers, not bothered by the noises coming from the court. You play with your earlobe while you frown at whatever problem you came across. You patiently wait for practice to finish. Kentarou was sure that you'd be someone Oikawa would actually try for. You weren't one of his squealing fangirls, hanging from his arm on every opportunity, but his friend. You didn't pester him to take selfies with you while pushing cute bentos into his hands. When you bring food to practice, then it's for the whole team to share. If he wanted you, Oikawa would probably have to win you over and make sure that you'd stay. Courting and all that jazz. In all seriousness, Shittykawa would be a fucking idiot if not.

The dyed-blond wing spiker had been so sure that he was rightfully mad that he didn't stop to think twice before he reacted this coldly towards you. But, and this made it even worse, Kentarou knew that he was wrong the moment you asked what happened after an entire week of enduring his silent treatment. The second he heard your shaky voice and saw the tears welling up in your eyes, his brain rebooted, and suddenly he wasn't so sure of his own reasoning. You two were together for about half a year. Kyoutani - by now - was confident in his ability to identify most of your expressions. All he could decipher in your eyes was pain, paired with a need to understand, but…if he was in the wrong…it would mean that he had hurt you the whole week, which in conclusion implied that Kentarou had been the world's shittiest boyfriend. Fuck, he thought, I don't deserve y/n.

His situation didn't get any better the moment Oikawa entered the gym. The person Kyoutani thought he had a real reason to despise now tried to mend the rift between the two of you.

''Mad Dog-chan, I think you misunderstood something there. Well, no, you decided to not listen-'' The taller male says, hands gesturing wildly. While his voice still had that annoyingly cheery tone, it had something commanding hidden underneath. And oh, how Kentarou hated when someone demanded something of him, even if it was for his own good. ''Don't want to hear it.'' the blond mutters, already aggravated. The brown-haired setter resolutely puts himself in the way again. ''Oh, but you have to! That morning, Y/N-chan literally declared her love for yo-'' - ''I don't fucking care.'' Kentarou barks, not looking Oikawa in the eyes.

After another fruitless attempt to get properly into the gym, he growls and turns to leave. Already on his way to grab his stuff and take a leave, he hears Oikawa yelling. ''You answered and justified why I asked Y/N-chan to begin with!" And then louder, even though he could make out Iwaizumi trying to wrestle his childhood friend back into the gym, "APOLOGIZE, YOU IDIOT! YOU BETTER GROVEL FOR Y/N'S FORGIVENESS! THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS SHOW YOU'RE PUTTING ON, AND YOU KNOW IT!"

This happened on Friday evening, and the guilt was gnawing away on him ever since. On his way home, Kyoutani had automatically taken the detour to your house. Kentarou enjoyed bringing you home (and more often than not, you pulled him inside with you, making him cuddle you!). It makes him feel like a good boyfriend, and he knew that you arrived there safely. He would never tell anybody and deny it if you ever decided to share this, but Kentarou relished in the feeling of your hand holding his all the way while going on about your day. He admired that you'd pet every cat and every dog you meet on the trip home together with him. You were perfect for him…why again did he act like this?

What caused Kyoutani's attempt to apologize - in his usual overly blunt and partly aggressive kind of way - was Yahaba, though. Both boys denied being remotely something beyond 'not really enemies'. But his future team captain was definitely one of the very few people that could and would tell him to his face that he fucked up without real repercussions. He would presumably even help Kyoutani to get it together.

After Yahaba had called you and listened to your heartbreaking rant, the setter realized that you, his friend, and his 'not really enemy' needed to talk ut out. Totally immersed in your tirade, you accidentally let slip that you couldn't endure Kyoutani's treatment any longer. That being pushed over by your boyfriend with brash and hurtful words after handling the cold shoulder was too much. That you expected Kyoutani to break up with you on Monday either way. In-person, if he had mercy on you or continue his treatment as a silent method of doing so. While you told Yahaba about your planned ''get over it-self-care'' weekend (involving tons of ice cream, movies with crying guarantee, lots of blankets, and no smartphone), the setter had already put on his jacket, shooting a message to Kyoutani.

From Yahaba: get your stupid fucking ass outside to meet me, or I'll bench you the complete season next year

Even though the wing spiker was sure that Yahaba's words were nothing but empty words, Kentarou allowed himself to accept this threat as an excuse to put his pride aside. Because, even though Yahaba annoyed him to no end - not as bad as Oikawa but still - Kentarou was also aware that you and he were friends. If someone could help him gaining your forgiveness, Kyoutani had to accept and admit that it was Yahaba. Meeting his light brown-haired teammate was kind of awkward. Kyoutani was unsure what he had to expect, though he should have seen the rough treatment coming. Yet, getting told that you, the person Kentarou was undeniably in love with, felt so neglected and hurt that you deemed this relationship to be as good as over allowed the guilt monster in his chest to grow. Shitty Oikawa was probably right ordering him to grovel and beg on his knees for you to even hear him out.

Your answer to his message was partly unlike you. Well, the last sentence. You usually were pretty forward with him to avoid miscommunication and uncalled-for moping around. And while you sometimes send keyboard smashes to express the chaos you felt, they were always in a separate message and not so…random. The text definitely meant something like ''then come to me'' but somehow, Kyoutani had an uneasy feeling about the whole thing.

Besides, he couldn't just wait till Monday and hope that you'd accept his apology! You may send him away today already, but he still had a teeny-tiny bit of hope. If he let the thoughts of him leaving you or the other way around fester in your mind for two whole days, though,…you'd probably realize that leaving him wasn't that bad of a decision. You'd come to the conclusion that all your admirers could treat you better than Kyoutani did. And he was too selfish to let you leave. Even though all he did the whole week was being self-centered and stuck up, he would be damned to begin being a saint now and let you go. That you at least were willing to talk to him was…a relief, to say the least. Kentarou hoped that this translated to you being willing to put up with him a little longer if he apologized correctly. That you're not opposed to giving him another chance to make things right.

At your house, he was greeted with darkness. Not even a single light illuminating any of the rooms he could see from his spot on your front lawn. And the ones he saw were your and your mom's most-used rooms. Your room window, your mothers' workroom, and the living room area with an adjacent kitchen. All of those rather significant rooms and the lack of light in them seemed to be a dead giveaway for Kyoutani that no one was home. Kyoutani guessed that you were probably out with your mom, glancing over to the empty spot in front of the garage.

Oh god, your mother had been the only supportive person of your relationship. Maybe it's in your family to see the best in everyone, even in shitty people like him. But if you told her about his behavior, she'd most likely not welcome him with a smile ever again, no matter if you forgave him.

There weren't many things Kyoutani could do in this situation, but it wasn't as late as nature let it on, and after a few seconds, he had decided to sit down at the front door and wait for you, hoping that it wouldn't take too long for you to come home. As if fate wanted to tell him something, the wing spiker had put on the jacket with the half-full power bank. He had worn it to the shelter when he visited it this week while distracting himself from your absence in his daily life. You had gifted him the piece of clothing, which is probably why he unconsciously had decided to wear it to everything he did after school in the first place.

Kentarou passed the time by snarling at people eyeing him for a moment too long to not be judgmental, petting the neighbors' cat wandering over to him, and watching videos. Every time he thought ''Y/N would like this'', his heart stuttered guilty.

To Kentarou, it felt like an eternity until your mother's car finally drove up the entry. To avoid your mother's potentially deadly stare, he nervously checked his mobile, realizing that he had waited for a little more than 3 hours. Yet, the wait had done nothing to soothe his nerves. They instantly spiked up again while his heart threatened to jump out of his throat.

She will hate me. Your mother would hate me, she'll hate me, she'll ha-

''Ah, Ken-chan! Good evening.'' Your mother greets him with a tired, yet still gentle smile. Oh. The blond blanches. He'd never admit it, but he enjoyed the treatment he received from your mother more than he should. Being spoken to without suspicion and receiving a warm smile every time without fail was a welcome change to his daily life. Your mother didn't listen to people trying to bad-mouth him. To her, he simply was the boy that - normally - treats her child the way a mother wished for. Even if he pulled a face as long as a fiddle.

''I didn't know you were coming, Ken-chan, or I would have messaged you…but now that you're here, maybe you can assist us out and help Y/N inside? It would help a lot.'' His gaze immediately flitted over to you on the passenger seat. With your arms crossed in front of your chest and that stubborn but endearingly cute pout on your lips, he nearly missed the tiredness your body emitted. Kentarou wanted to rush over to your side immediately but was stopped by your mother again. ''I don't know what you two are fighting about…but please talk to each other. I don't want my baby to be this sad. Especially now, and…'' she rests a hand on his shoulder, her eyes kind and comforting ''…I also don't want to miss you here, alright?'' He stiffly nodded and watched your mother carrying in plastic bags filled with various medicine packages and food.

After coming back to his senses, Kyoutani finally stumbled over to your side, practically ripping open the car door. This new perspective revealed a plaster cast wrapping your whole left leg and a removable wrist brace on your right hand. ''Bab- Y/N…what the fuck…happened?'' His honey-brown eyes continued to wander over your injuries, and with every second, he found more. Scratches and scrapes, bandaids and bandages peeking out from underneath your clothes. ''I'm so sorry,'' he whispered, hanging his head low.

All your intentions to fight his helping hand and limp over to the door by yourself disintegrated into nothing. You never witnessed such a devastated, beaten expression on his face before. Instead, you settle for ''Will you help me?''. A question asked quietly to your fingers picking at a loose band-aid edge on your arm and pressing it back onto the irritated skin.

After you loosened your seatbelt, he waits for you to carefully place your arms around his neck. It is followed by Kyoutani lifting you out of the car so gently as if he was afraid you might break. This whole situation in itself already contradicting his brash appearance and usual behavior. It would give whiplash to all the people pretending to know him. But he was always caring in his own way when it came to you. It's why you loved him after all. Because you usually knew that he loved you, too.

For a few moments, the atmosphere between the two of you felt awkwardly tense, both of you unsure how to interact with each other. The mostly blonde wing spiker breathed out a sigh of relief when you fully leaned into his chest once he stood upright, resting your head against his shoulder. A bit of maneuvering through the front door eventually lead to Kyoutani passing through the hallway and taking you to your room, where he was gently lowering you down on the bed.

It was a now or never kind of situation. For the both of you. While Kentarou was trying to find out where to begin his apology, he took a few steps back in case you wanted space until everything was cleared up.

You unconsciously helped him making a decision by impulsively grasping onto his shirt the moment he started to withdraw, stopping him in his retreating movement. Kentarou saw your lower lips wobbling, teary eyes looking up at him pleadingly.

''Please stay,'' you say weakly, which is enough for him to throw the whole thinking process away and simply sit down next to you, intertwining both your hands. ''I'm staying. I'm not leaving. Not now nor this relationship if you still want...an ''us''. The wing spiker took a deep, shuttering breath. '' I'm sorry, Y/N…'' he finally manages to say, honey eyes locked onto your linked your hands. ''I have been fucking stupid all week. 've been a fucking terrible boyfriend, the worst to ever exist.''

As if to encourage him...to show your boyfriend that his apology was not for nothing, you shuffled around until the last bit of distance between the two of you was closed. You hum, acknowledging his words while leaning your head on his shoulder.

''I didn't think you're cheating or something, …'' Kyoutani immediately assures you. There was no way he would allow you to think that he would accuse you of something like this. ''I had no reason to be jealous, but I was insecure. Let it get the best of me. Despite our promise to communicate, I was sulking. 't was easier. I'll do whatever the fuck you want for you to not give up yet…'' he says, taking his time with every sentence.

With a sigh, you squeeze his hand. ''It will probably take a lot of cuddling and attention from you...'' you say thoughtfully ''...but I forgive you…if you promise to not do this again…'' you murmur, tilting your head upward to press a chaste kiss to his jaw. ''Otherwise, I'll accept Iwaizumi-san's offer to get your thinking process restarted.'' For a moment, your voice had its usual joking edge. But you knew talking out everything was necessary. ''But, in all honesty, 'Tarou....please, never do this again. I am honest. I will not endure this a second time. When you tell me that you need a day or two for yourself then that is totally fine. If you feel yourself giving into whatever insecurity, talk to me about it. I am sure there will be an explanation or a solution but don't leave me in the dark. Don't treat me like that. I love you. Only you and no one else. But the time love can withstand straight-up ignorance by your partner is limited.''

Slowly, your boyfriend nodded, squeezing your hand to tell you that he understood. You would probably cling to him for a while but were sure that he would survive the extra closeness. Not even half a second later, his head leans onto yours cautiously.

''…and try being nicer to Oikawa-san, Tarou, he hasn't done anything to you.'' You add humorously before small giggles started to erupt from your lips. ''Also...Baby…'' you start, being interrupted by choked-up hiccups and giggles. By using your nickname for him, you take away another persistent fear of his. What he does not miss, however, is how you wince in pain before you continue, ''…who helped you put this into words? I mean…I loved it, but…,'' You leave unsaid that words usually are not his strong fort.

Biting back a smile, he frowns, huffs, and puffs…, but the way you are looking up at him, eyes shining with relief and adoration, allows him to admit defeat. He sighs ''…it's how Yahaba said I should say it…'' It usually would be an odd enough statement to make you throw yourself all over him with laugher. As a slight replacement, you squeeze his hand a bit, still shaking with suppressed laughter. ''I promise…that I will talk to you. Can't promise the Shittykawa part.'' Another soft chuckle leaves your lips before you look up at him again. ''I hope you try nonetheless. You should not let Iwaizumi-san hear you calling Oikawa-san that, though, I don't think this would turn out well for you…so...maybe stop this at least.'' Kentarou rolls his eyes at you, but in the end, he nods.

You wait for another second to clearly distinguish the two topics before you continue. ''…Thank you…for coming and finally speaking with me instead of break-'' A hand on your lips muffles your words.

''Don't say these words. I'd never break up with you,'' Kentarou grumbles, a light, uncharacteristic light pink settling on his cheeks. You stick your tongue out, which leads to him taking his hand off of your face with a surprised noise, rather dumbfounded that you had licked his hand. It gives you the chance to lean up and finally press your lips against his. ''I'm not leaving you either,'' you murmur, feeling his lips twitch upwards slightly. You decide to leave the teasing for another day.

Moving back into your previous position was enough of a hassle to hiss in pain. It brought back Kyoutani's awareness of the second problem at hand. ''What did happen to you?'' Kyoutani asks in an attempt to tamper down the excited, happy beating of his heart.

''Oh, this...uh, when I answered your text, I got driven over by a dude on a bicycle,'' you casually drop. It was kind of entertaining to watch his expressions change at an unequaled pace while processing your words. In the end, it settled into something akin to passive-aggressive worry. The way he was immediately fretting over you while cursing and cussing out the bicycle dude was his own way of caring. As you watch him retrieving the food your mother bought, while mumbling about how you're a dumbass for not paying attention to your surroundings, how he'd come over every day until you could go to school again to bring and teach you the stuff you would miss and how he would fucking murder the bicycle idiot if he ever finds out who dared to drive you over, you can't help the smile forming on your lips.

Once again, you are proven that loving him - while occasionally troublesome and demanding - was everything but wrong.

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[seesgood]

can we very gently talk about call out posts / culture really quick?  not in a judgmental way, but in like a: i just want to pose a thought and explain why i’m never going to buy into it and why i wish it would become less of a trend instead of more of one? and i’ll add the  disclaimer  here: i totally get not wanting certain people around you for various reasons, that is all your prerogative. that’s your comfort level. but in emphasizing “your blog should be a safe space” we’re kind’ve losing sight of the fact that the rpc should also be a safe space, and as much as your comfort and safety matter, so do other people’s. and not just the person who hurt you, but the third parties and other mutuals and 99.9% of people who are not at all involved in any way in whatever happened. so, anyway here goes, read it or don’t, we all have different opinions or reasons, i just want to be heard:

people are allowed to change.  think back to who you were last year. two years ago. think about the stuff you said when you were seventeen, or twenty-one, or hell whatever age you were. current-you would probably cringe at the kind of stuff past-you had to say. because you grew. you learned. you had life experiences. in hindsight you have the freedom to be like “oof yeah that was not the best version of myself right there damn i don’t want to be like that again.” the growing trend of ‘here’s a 10+ page google doc complete with out of context screenshots that sometimes date back to like 2017 or earlier’ makes this kind of change impossible. because right there, you’ve just frozen a person in time, probably not at their best, removed any and all amounts of context, and put it on the internet and let other people judge it for themselves. 

so that leads into another point that i want to just kinda present to the community at large: the act of documenting behaviors and storing them for months / years at a time, in itself creates a super unsafe environment, not just for you, your friends, the people who have hurt you --- but also for anyone else that isn’t at all involved in whatever happened. like, for example, i like to think that i’m a pretty nice person. i actively try to be a nice person. am i sometimes not having the best day? have people definitely caught me in bad moments? oh hell yeah. but am i, as someone who tries really hard to be nice and welcoming, constantly thinking through every message i send to someone knowing that a) i could have a reputation that makes them read into context that isn’t there and that could contribute to them misinterpreting words i meant in a different way, b) very aware that every post i make, ask i send, message i send can at any moment be screenshotted and posted and taken out of context and either serve as someone’s only opinion of me or pile on to someone’s existing opinion of me? yeah. so in my experience, and based on people i’ve talked to, we now have this thing where you can be surface-friends wtih a lot of people, but if you want to survive in the tumblr rpc you should really only have 2-3 people that you really trust that you can actually talk about shit with. 

and lately i’ve been seeing a resurgence of posts on my dash about like “bring back xyz in the rpc” or “the reason the rpc is like this is because of xyz” and i both agree and disagree with a lot of this, but primarily i think the reason the rpc is Off lately is because everyone and their cousin has a DNI, which is --- again --- your decision and i understand and respect that, but while you know the context of every name on that DNI, other people don’t. and to be honest: other people don’t really care and honestly maybe they shouldn’t care. --- and don’t get me wrong, your friends should care if someone has hurt you. that’s important. but joe billy bob who just wants to write their character with yours is going to read through your rules, they’re going to see “do not interact with me if you follow with or interact with these people you’ve never heard of and if you want me to tell you why just message me” (which no one is ever going to do, i’m sorry to say). and say, joe billy bob also followed that other person because they were like ‘omg this blog looks cool’ --- now joe billy bob, who just wants to write cool plots, is suddenly the middle-man in some type of drama that they do not understand, and maybe they’re able to remove themselves from the situation, but even then it’s still in the back of your mind. 

this is getting long. it’ll be longer, but let’s take a brief break for me to remind you that in some cases, it’s definitely good to give your mutuals and friends a heads up when someone has done something really, really bad. like, remember x amount of years ago when some dude was like ‘i’m gonna make up a new person and say they died by suicide as a social experiment’ or ‘hey this person actively tries to force very triggering plots about abuse / rape / incest onto people and has been doing so for years and does not seem to change their ways no matter how many people try to educate them’ that’s shit people should probably know about. and it’s also okay ( in my opinion ) for your friends to be able to message you like ‘hey i saw you’re writing with x and i just wanted to let you know i had this experience with them’ if that’s something they feel comfortable doing. and if they are comfortable with you still having the autonomy to make your own decision regarding the person. 

i’ll be honest, for a second: i’ve been part of friendships and groups that have turned really toxic for one reason or another. a handful of times. there are probably people out there that are like “yeah this chick is really fake and manipulative and etc, i was friends with her back in 2019″ which, okay. yeah. i’ve definitely done shit and said shit that was not the most representative of who i want to be and who i want to become, and you probably have to. because we are human beings and we are a product of our social groups and the community around us. and you shouldn’t be chained to a version of you that isn’t you anymore. people change. they grow. you don’t have to like them, but you should respect that sometimes people don’t mesh, and that doesn’t mean any of them are bad people, it just means the experience was bad. 

a few additional notes i would like to make but i’ve already gone on way too long:

90% of the callout posts that i’ve seen and the DNI’s that i’ve seen can, in my opinion, be classified as a friend group thing. you were friends with x, x did something, now y and z aren’t friends with x anymore. pain is a very, very real thing and people hurting you should never be minimized, but at some point i just want you to remember that not every friendship is going to end happily, but both you and the other party should be allowed to move on and grow better, healthier friendships after. rehashing Friend Group Gone Wrong instances removes that ability for not only person x, but also person y and z.

you putting out a callout says just as much ( maybe more ) about you than it does about the other person. which sucks. because i’d like to think we all have great intentions, and i’m not saying that you should swallow your pain, but it might not be the kind of thing that impacts the community at large, and maybe you should try to find a better way of working through it with a trusted friend(s)

i’m going to be very real and very blunt on this one: literally no one cares. i say that with love. i’m good friends with people who have each other on their DNI’s. establish a baseline of respect and ‘i’m not going to say anything to them about you and vice versa because there’s no need for me to do so’ and move on. but seriously. no one cares. most outside people read callout posts because they like being in the know about the drama, not because they actually care. 

person a and person b who are mentioned in the DNI / callout aren’t the only ones who are going to be affected. your friends, your mutuals, your writing partners are now all put in a weird spot where you have to pick sides on an issue you know nothing about and shouldn’t have to know anything about. you’re asking people to choose sides on an issue they cannot fully understand, and that’s not fair to them or to you. and it drives great people away. and then we all lose out on having more awesome people in the rpc.

you’re entitled to your safe space, but this is a public platform and you are also responsible for maintaining your safe space. you shouldn’t put it entirely on other people to do that for you. you can block, blacklist, make up funny names for, or spitefully erase from your many anything and anyone that you wish. but you shouldn’t make your friends do it for you.

there’s always an inherent power imbalance when any kind of drama occurs between those who have more followers / friends / connections and those who do not. and the smaller blog is always going to suffer a little bit more because they don’t have people blindly coming to their defense. 

bad moments, bad experiences, bad decisions DO NOT equal bad people. 

allow people to make up their own mind about something or someone

anywho, if you read through this whole thing i think i owe you financial compensation. but also thank you for reading / listening / considering. even if you rolled your eyes through the whole thing like “stfu lia” that’s fine. i’m just presenting an alternative thought. i’d like to once again state: i’m not judging you if you’ve made a callout/DNI or if you’re on a callout/DNI. like i literally don’t care. and frankly, in my opinion, i shouldn’t have to. because i, and you, and your friends, and your mutuals, and your non-mutuals should be allowed the space to make up their own opinion and mind on something or someone without being told that there will be consequences if they don’t agree with you. set boundaries. communicate in healthy ways. you don’t have to forgive the people who have hurt or wronged you, but you also don’t get to decide that their actions make up 100% of who they are as a person, or decide that that is the only side of that person people should get to see. 

[aomineavenue]

Summary: Six years ago, L/N Y/N wouldn’t exactly say that she loves her life. It had always been problematic but her best friend, Miya Atsumu, since she was eight when she moved to Hyōgo, has always been there for her, and she wouldn’t change it for the world. However, things would always fall apart for her ever since, so she should have expected of such. Running away from her problems seemed like the easiest route to take at the time, so what happens when the past comes barging back into her life demanding answers? Will she be able to confront her demons?

Pairings: Miya Atsumu x f!Reader

Genre: Angst, ANGST I LOVE ANGST, a lil bit of fluff here and there.

Warnings: Language, etc.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters except for the reader and my ideas. I do not claim any images used for content in this fic, everything goes out to their respective creators unless it is mentioned that it is mine.

Status: completed. | series masterlist

↩ at peace | dearest daddy

mia speaks!: 

okay, wow. So it took awhile for us to get here and I apologize for that but we’re finally done with Homesick, wew. It’s been a challenge but I’m so happy and grateful for all the positivity you guys have been sharing with me. Also, thank you so much for your patience. 

It’s been an emotional ride but we’re finally done. There may be a few short stories after this chapter but no promises. Hopefully I get the chance to though, I do want to be able to. But for now, if you guys have any requests for imagines/scenarios with this series, don’t be afraid to send them over!

Also, big thanks to @oii-sugasan​ and @sunshinesero​ for beta-reading this for me! I apologize if this chapter is any way lacking compared to the first nine chapters, it’s been awhile since I wrote anything so I hope this was a great way to end this series. 

I love you guys so much, I’m so glad to be (sorta) back. I hope you guys enjoy this!

Time was a funny and fickle thing. Sometimes there was never enough of it, and other times it stretched out endlessly. It had been seven months since your life had once again made drastic changes. It often surprised you how time flew by so fast.

Seven months since your two precious boys had been introduced to the man that they now call their father. And well, seven months since you had been reunited with the love of your life. Sure, it had ups and downs, it wasn’t bound to be perfect since the two of you were your own person. It was inevitable for such different personalities to clash, it didn’t help when there were two children present, one of them being as handful as their own father.

Atsumu had shown that he was a doting father, despite only being a part of their lives for less than a year, he had put his new family as his top priority, wanting to make up for lost time. He would instantly drop anything and everything, sometimes even volleyball when he could for times when his family needed him. Not that his new family had been a burden since then, his sons and of course you, have been nothing but loving and supportive. Showing up to games to cheer him on and the twins attending his training to either join or just watch their father and new favorite uncles.

It had been a rollercoaster ride since it was officially announced that Atsumu was off the market and that he actually had sons. Some fans were supportive, believing the news and claiming that both the young twins were striking replicas of the volleyball player. And of course, there were fans that were against it, raging how you were nothing more than a money-grabbing harlot and that you had probably lied to Atsumu about the twins being his.

They were quickly shut down, of course, by not just fans but various people close to the volleyball setter who defended you without you even asking for it. You weren’t going to lie, that particular month filled with venomous words thrown your direction stressed you out but it was mostly because of your motherly instincts, wanting to keep your sons away from such unnecessary drama. You and Atsumu had decided to ignore the majority of the vile comments but seeing you so emotionally exhausted had only fueled the already tiny flame in Atsumu. He was quick to announce that he would no longer tolerate any form of slander towards his family and would handle things legally if anyone were to step out of line.

And by the next few weeks, the hate simmered and the stress that had engulfed you and Atsumu in its grip had vanished. All that was left that made you both worry was Atsuhiro’s health.

Fortunately, Atsuhiro’s sickness didn’t grow worse as time passed by since his first transfusion. If anything, the boy was healthier and it was very much evident in his features. The healthy glow returned to his skin, he was smiling more and had shown his usual energetic-self like before he had fallen ill. Atsumu on the other hand, much to Atsuhiro’s dismay, had started becoming such an overprotective father. It took a lot of begging from Atsuhiko for their father to spend the day outside of the protective bubble of your apartment.

It took time and patience from everyone’s side to get this far, and for Atsumu, (and of course, you) he didn’t mind it one bit. He had grown more mature, despite his twin brother’s disagreements, he not only took care of himself more but he had become a role model to his sons.

Not only that, but as his relationship with his sons grew stronger, the love the two of you had for each other only seemed to intensify as well. Sure, the two of you had ups and downs back then in your friendship but it was as if time and distance hadn’t kept the two of you apart. If anything, it was as if it made your bond stronger. Two best friends, reuniting and finally expressing their true desires, it was easy for the two of you to fall into a comfortable routine.

“Where are the boys of the hour? I’ve been wanting to see how good Hiko looks in my jersey!”

Bokuto interrupts your thoughts for a brief second before you return your focus to your duties of cutting up the vegetables in the kitchen. You can’t help but chuckle at the sour expression that graces Atsumu’s expression as he fills a tray of refreshments on one of the island counters. “Don’t remind me, Bo-kun.”

“You’re just jealous that your sons didn’t want to wear your jersey," he teases, a playful grin on his lips as he lifts himself off of the ground by his hands to sit on the counter.

The scowl on Atsumu's face only deepens at the reminder, "Get off the counter, Bo-kun. Don't be rude. Why don't you actually start to help and give out these refreshments to the guests?"

You watch in amusement as the two exchange their usual banter around the kitchen of your home in Hyogo. It was decided a week ago after Atsuhiro's second transfusion was a success, that the twins would celebrate their birthday back at Hyogo instead of having the guests cramp up in your small apartment in Kanagawa.

It was also then decided by your sons what theme they would be having for their birthday. It was traditional for the twins to have their birthdays themed depending on their current interest. Lately, since the two were very fixated on volleyball due to their new favorite uncles and of course, their father, it was decided that they would be having a volleyball themed birthday where the guests were required to wear their favorite player's jersey.

For a minute, your new friend Bokuto had been rather excited upon hearing the idea.

"So show up with our own jerseys? Great!"

And as for Atsumu, he was excited at the prospect of seeing his own sons wearing his jersey. That is, until his sons destroyed such dreams.

"Are the two of you really sure?" you hear Atsumu's voice echoing from the twins' bedroom throughout the walls of the apartment as you stepped inside, shutting the door behind you as you ventured further into the comforts of your home. “Like really? Those are your choices?”

You grew curious as you slipped out of your shoes and let your hair loose from its tight bun, wincing slightly from your tugging. There was a tinge of whininess dripping from Atsumu’s voice that you couldn’t help but wonder what the three of them were talking about. It wasn’t unusual for Atsumu to be around when you had to work on days where the boys came home from school or when they didn’t have school.

At most times, when Atsumu didn't have training, he would be the one taking care of the boys instead of your mother or Osamu. Majority of his free time away from volleyball was spent with his sons, wanting to make up for the time he had lost. And there wasn't a day where the young twins wouldn't ask about their father and if he was going to visit. It was as if they were scared one of them would disappear, wanting to spend the entirety of their lives together.

"Maybe we can go with superheroes this year!" Atsumu's voice grew louder as you reached the door to the room where they occupied. Leaning against the door's frame, your eyes land on the back of Atsumu's head as he's seated on the carpeted floor facing the twins who were playing with their action figures. A small grin curling upon your lips at the sight of Atsumu’s slightly dishevelled bleached hair.

Atsuhiro, who seems to have the ability to sense your presence, looks up from his toys and in an instant, his eyes widen happily. He was about to greet you but you quickly pressed your index finger against your lips to signal the little boy not to announce your presence just yet, wanting to see Atsuhiko and Atsumu's interaction. The smart little boy that he is, nods and returns to his toys.

"But daddy," Atsuhiko protests, his focus still on the action figures in his hands, "We did superheroes last year! I wanna wear Uncle Bo's jersey!"

You fight the urge to burst out into a fit of giggles as soon as you catch a glimpse of Atsumu slumping his shoulders dejectedly. Now you understand as to why he had his moppy voice on. "But don't you want to wear daddy's jersey for your birthday?"

"But daddy," Atsuhiko lets out a sigh, looking up at his father with a look that meant the little boy wasn't up for any arguments on the matter, "Uncle Bo is the best! So I wanna wear his jersey!"

You could have sworn you heard Atsumu whine, suddenly wishing you had decided to film this from the start. "But it will make daddy really happy if you wear his jersey!"

Atsuhiko shakes his head as he continues to play with his action figures, "But I want Uncle Bo and I to match!"

Atsumu sighs in defeat before turning his attention over to Atsuhiro, looking hopeful. "What about you, Hiro? Would you wear daddy's jersey?"

"No, daddy. I wanna wear Kageyama-san's jersey," he nods with a proud smile, "Wanna be just like him! He's so good!"

"But daddy's just as good a setter as Tobio-kun!" Atsumu cries out, throwing his hands up in the air, "betrayed by my own children. 'Samu isn't going to let me live this down."

This time, you let your presence be known by finally releasing a bubble of laughter. Atsuhiko instantly drops his action figures and rushes over with a happy squeal. Atsumu pivots his body, looking up at you with such a pitiful gaze as he juts his lower lips out ot a pout, "I want new children."

Needless to say, Atsumu had been pouty ever since and has been dreading today due to the reason that every single one of his friends had found out about it. He had tried a handful of times to change their minds, unfortunately, the young twins won't budge.

“It’s not my fault your kids like me better than you,” he huffs, folding his arms across his chest, “I am an ordinary ace after all!”

A scowl graces on Atsumu’s features which causes the other occupants in the room to chuckle in amusement. It wasn’t as if Atsumu didn’t like the idea of his sons becoming close to his teammates, but lately, it was getting harder for the setter to share. “Get your own children!”

“Ah, about that...” Bokuto trails off with a nervous chuckle which causes everyone to fall silent and look at him in curiosity, “I actually will be getting my own child soon, I think.”

“You think?” you ask with an arched brow, “You can’t just think you’re having a child, Bokuto-san.”

Atsumu interjects, “And aren’t you in love with that best friend of yours? What happened to never being with anyone else but her?”

He waves his hand in the air dismissively with a frown etched on his lips, “Well, I can’t exactly be with her when she just got married.”

“You are so getting your ear torn off by the management when this news gets out,” Atsumu snickers, which he earns a smack to his shoulder from you. “Ow!”

You narrow your gaze at your boyfriend, completely unamused with his behavior. “Don't be dramatic, I didn't hit you that hard!" Letting out a huff as you wipe your hands on the apron you were wearing, "You aren’t helping Bokuto, ‘Tsumu.”

His lips curl up to a cheeky grin at the sight of your expression. He leans forward to nuzzle his nose against your cheek, your cheeks growing warm from the public display of affection. His heart swells from your reaction to his gesture, murmuring teasingly, “Sorry, darling.”

“Please, don’t make me barf.” Osamu interrupts with his features scrunched up in distaste from the interaction between you and his brother.

Atsumu sticks his tongue out at his brother who returns the gesture with a shake of his head. His arm snakes around your waist to pull you closer to his side as he returns his attention over to his teammate, “Well, is the woman making you marry her?”

“Making you pay for child support?” Osamu quickly adds.

Atsumu quips with a chuckle, “Threatening to expose your sins?”

You interrupt the two with a glare towards them, “Stop ganging up on him!”

Bokuto lets out a laugh as he begins helping your mother set up the desserts onto one of the trays to bring outside to the guests, “Nothing like that, she’s pretty chill and we’ve gotten pretty close lately. So we’re going to co-parent.”

“That’s very mature of you, Bokuto-kun.” your mother compliments him with a smile before patting his back.

He feels his cheeks grow warm from the compliment, his heart swelling with pride. “Thank you.”

“Maybe you’ll end up falling for her anyway,” Osamu teases with a smirk playing on his lips, leaning against one of the kitchen counters.

He shakes his head at the idea as his brows knit together, “Jess and I won’t fall in love.”

“Jess?” Atsumu blinks at the familiar name before his eyes widens at the realization, releasing his grip from your waist, “Jess, that journalist that you showed around town when she first visited Japan?”

Bokuto nods with a smile gracing his features, “Yeah, she’s pretty cool.”

“Maybe you’ll learn to love her in your own way through your child,” you suggest with a shrug of your shoulders as you began untying the apron you were wearing upon realizing what time it was.

Atsumu shakes his head and responds before Bokuto could utter a single word, “No, no. That’s impossible. Bo-kun’s heart belongs to his best friend.”

“Stop teasing him,” you scold your boyfriend with a shake of your head, handing over the apron you successfully took off, “make yourself useful and help out here in the kitchen,"

"Bu—"

Cutting him off with a stern glare as you lift a tray from one of the kitchen counters and handing it over to Bokuto, a small smile gracing your lips, "Don't mind him, Bo. Can you bring these to the backyard and help out if anyone else needs help? I think Reiji needs a hand setting up the bouncy castle,"

Retrieving the tray from your hands, his eyes lighting up from the excitement, "bouncy castle, you say?"

"That's for the kids, Bo-kun." Atsumu scoffs but soon lets his lips form into a pout when he had been ignored, turning his attention over to you once Bokuto slips out of the kitchen, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to check on the boys to see if they're ready for their big entrance," you muse with an amused grin. Of course, you knew what your sons had prepared for the big entrance that they insisted. Atsumu had pestered both you and the young twins since he had heard of their plan but as your sons refused to budge, you had feigned clueless, claiming that your sons had opted it to be a surprise.

Little did Atsumu know that you had helped your sons pull off such an idea.

"I don't get why they have to have a big entrance," he sighs, brows furrowing as he racks through his thoughts on what the surprise could be. It didn't help that he was both curious and excited at what his sons might pull off.

Osamu lets out a snort, rolling his eyes at his twin brother as a smirk curls upon his lips, "What do you mean? They're your kids."

"What does that even mean?" Atsumu scowls as he slips on the apron you had handed over, walking over to where your mother was situated to take over what you were doing.

You shake your head at the two bickering older twins and shoot a look of sympathy towards your mother that was going to be left with them in the kitchen before she waves you off. Your heart was swelling from happiness at how natural everything felt, despite the silly banter thrown around. It was home.

As you step into your childhood living room, you're hit with a nostalgic wave from the memories surrounding the whole area. Though it may be a mixture of good and bad memories, since you had come to terms that you were no longer running away from your past, you only feel comfort. You made your way through your childhood home over to the bedroom that had been renovated to the liking of your twin boys.

The mere thought of your boys growing to love the place where you had grown up yourself was enough to bring a smile to your face. You press your knuckles against the wooden door to signal your presence by knocking on it repeatedly, “Are you two ready?” you ask, your voice probably muffled on the other side. Your fingers wrap around the handle of the door and as you were about to twist and push it open, the door instantly snaps back shut with a loud thud. “Can’t-”

“No, mommy!” Atsuhiko screeched causing you to blink from both the surprised force and tone. Pressing your palms and ear against the door to hear what the commotion was all about, you frown upon hearing only their shuffling feet, “What are you two doing? Guests have arrived and your party will be starting soon,”

“We’re almost ready, mommy!” Atsuhiro assures you from the other side.

A chuckle escapes your lips at their antics as you decide to not interfere any further, “Alright you two, just be sure to be out in a few. You don’t want your daddy to come fetch you. It’ll ruin the surprise.”

“Okay mommy!” you heard Atsuhiko yell out, their excited muffled voices purely obvious from the other side that you couldn’t help but smile.

On the other hand, back in the kitchen, the father of your twins was having his own little dilemma back in the kitchen. It wasn’t as if he was uncomfortable being around your mother, but it was more like he felt he was still lacking.

Despite him knowing that your mother and you hadn’t had the greatest relationship when your father passed away, he still wanted to be someone your mother would approve of. He didn’t know whether your mother knew the whole story of the relationship between the two of you but being away from you and your sons during most of their childhood was enough to make him worry. The mere idea of his sons looking up to him sent his heart soaring, but of course, he also wanted your mother to feel secure enough for him to be together with you and the twins.

“I’ll bring out these sliced up fruits outside,” Osamu cuts the clear tension surrounding the kitchen. Atsumu resists the urge to glare at his twin for leaving him behind with your mother, knowing full well that his brother knows his current insecurities. A small smirk graces Osamu’s features but not the obvious one that would make your mother notice.

Atsumu watches his twin slip out of the kitchen with a tray full of food for the guests before flickering his gaze over to your mother situated at the other side of the room, making final touches to the cupcakes. “Is there anything else that I can do?”

Without looking up, a smile etches on your mother’s face. “No, it’s fine. We’re just about done with everything.”

“It looks good,” he states with a nod of his head, not really knowing what to say.

Placing the piping bag to the side, your mother lifts her head up to look towards the direction of Atsumu and wipes her hands on the apron she’s currently wearing, “You know you can always start calling me mom.”

The mere sentence made Atsumu want to leap in excitement, but at the same time he was nervous, a sudden fear of messing things up engulfing him. “I don’t want to overste-”

“Oh please,” your mother waves her hand in the air with a light chuckle, “I’ve known you since you were eight. We’re practically family. So you might as well call me mom.”

Atsumu couldn’t help but let the corners of his mouth tug up to a wide smile, “Alright, mom.”

“I’m really happy that the two of you decided to work things out,” your mother spoke with a smile as she delicately places the cupcakes on the cupcake stand.”

His feet shuffled across the room to help your mother stack the cupcakes onto the stand, “We had to for the kids anyway.”

Your mother hums in thought for a second before responding, “I think the kids were just the push the two of you needed. If anything, I’ve always thought the two of you would always end up together since the two of you always leaned on each other for anything.”

He nods his head slowly, leaning against the counter as he feels his heart swell with happiness. “I guess you’re right, mom. I did lean on her majority of the time when we were growing up. I guess I still am now. I just wish I could make her happy.”

“Don’t worry, you do. Before she left Hyogo, I know for a fact that she was miserable in this house after her dad had passed. You were the only one giving her a reason to move forward,” your mother spoke, sadness dripping from her voice.

A sigh escapes Atsumu’s lips as his features scrunch up to something that resembles pain. “I was also the reason why she left. I may be even the biggest reason why she left.”

Your mother extends an arm out and places a hand on Atsumu’s arm, trying her best to give assurance and comfort, “You weren’t the only reason behind that. I don’t know if she’s told you, but I had neglected her. I’m not proud of it and apologies are probably never enough for forgiveness. I was barely a mother when my husband had passed. I was almost an empty shell and instead of being a moth-”

“Mom,” Atsumu cuts her off and grabs hold of her hand in his own, “Don’t blame yourself. She loves you very much. It’s all in the past. We’ll be able to move forward, we already are.”

The two were interrupted with Osamu’s arrival, knocking by the kitchen’s door frame to announce his return. A smile etched on his lips at the scene before him, “Hey, Y/N wants everyone in the living room. Apparently the boys are ready to make their big entrance.”

Your mother excuses herself as soon as she removes the apron tied around her, excitement clearly evident in her features. Atsumu knew it well, despite the relationship that you had been slowly rebuilding with your mother, she was just as excited as him to have the twins into her life. She has equally doted on, if not more, on the twins ever since and well, Atsumu wouldn’t have it any other way.

Atsumu knew for a fact that you adored the time you’ve been sharing with your mother. As long as you were happy, nothing else mattered.

Osamu gives him a pat on the back, arching a brow in curiosity as they make their way out of the kitchen, “Everything alright?”

Atsumu gives him a nod, giving him the largest grin that he could muster. “Yeah, definitely.”

“You look disgusting,” Osamu jokes, pretending to shudder which causes Atsumu to give him a shove as they step into the living room where most of the guests have already gathered.

“Hey ‘tsumu!” Bokuto calls out from next to you as soon as Atsumu comes into view. “Hurry up! I’m excited to see Hiko in my jersey!”

Atsumu rolls his eyes as he approaches, grumbling to himself. As soon as he reaches your side, he places a quick kiss to your temple before snaking an arm around your waist to pull you closer. “Yeah, yeah. You have to stop rubbing it in. We get it.”

You couldn’t help but let a laugh escape your lips as you lean yourself into Atsumu’s warmth, “Oh come on now you two, focus on the big entrance will you?”

Bokuto just snickers from the side while Atsumu sends him a glare. If you were to describe the two of them, they were practically acting like petty children but you know those two will eventually switch attitudes as soon as your twins step out to make their entrance.

You flicker your gaze over to Osamu who was situated a few steps ahead from your little group, trying his best to act natural with his phone up. The two of you had discussed prior to the party that he would be the one to film the whole thing going on. Your little boys had practically begged their uncle to film their big entrance but mostly, what you hoped Osamu to capture was Atsumu’s reaction.

A part of you expects that he would be a grinning mess at the sight of his kids but also, you’re also hoping he’d be speechless from all the teasing his kids put him through of having to wear someone else’s jersey.

“What’s taking them so long?” Atsumu asks, tilting his head slightly hoping to meet your eyes as his fingers play with the hem of your shirt.

As you were about to answer him, the familiar voices of your two boys echo throughout the room from the top of the stairs. You didn’t even have to look to know about their surprise since you know very well of what they had planned. Well, obviously, you had helped them out with picking up the jerseys that they were going to wear.

However, you had wanted to capture Atsumu’s reaction to your boys with your own two eyes instead of just watching it from a video. And honestly speaking, you didn’t think you’d fall in love with this man any more than you already do but here you are.

Just the mere sight of his features scrunching up to a look of awe was enough for your heart to swell. It looked as if he was close to tears as watches the twins descend the stairs with the prodest smiles they could muster.

You pry yourself away from his side as soon as the twins approach Atsumu, knowing full well what was going to happen as they had practiced what they were going to say. Flickering your gaze over to Atsuhiko and Atsuhiro, seeing them in Atsumu’s high school volleyball jersey made your own eyes water despite the fact that you were the ones who had gotten them the uniform a week ago.

“Wh-What are you guys wearing?” Atsumu almost chokes out his words, “What happened to the jerseys that we bought that you said you were going to wear?”

Atsuhiko throws his arms out in the air, smiling widely. “We changed daddy!”

“We wanna wear your jersey daddy,” Atushiro nods his head enthusiastically, lifting his hand up to grip onto Atsumu’s shirt.

Atsuhiko wraps his arms around Atsumu’s waist, “‘cause you’re our favorite volleyball player daddy!”

The scene itself was enough for everyone to watch in awe, a few of the guests that were invited had their own phones up to capture the moment with smiles on their faces, the others were almost practically in tears themselves, and well there was also Bokuto by the side with his pouty self at the realization that neither of his nephews were wearing his jersey like he thought they would. Atsumu on the other hand, had eventually dropped down to his knees and wrapped his arms around his two boys, burying his face in between them as he let out his own tears stream down his face from the overwhelming joy that coursed through him.

Yes, this is your family.

This is your home.

You stare out the window from the kitchen of your childhood home, a smile on your face at the beautiful afternoon of your backyard full with people you adore and have missed so much. 

The party was still in full swing despite the sun about to set, the laughter from the guests and a few children present rang in the air. Happiness had engulfed your heart and honestly, you had trouble believing it yourself but here you were. 

You wouldn’t trade this for anything. 

An arm snakes around your waist from behind and you would have been startled if you hadn’t felt Atsumu’s presence a minute ago. Despite not having seen each other in years, everything about him was still familiar. Sure, there were a few things about him that you didn’t know but that didn’t mean that he still wasn’t your Atsumu that you’ve grown to love. 

“Thank you,” he whispers as he nuzzles his nose into your hair, a smile playing on his lips. 

You place your hands atop of his and lean yourself back into his warmth, your brows furrowing in confusion. “What are you thanking me for?” 

“For everything,” he lets out a sigh, causing a shiver to run down your spine from the heat radiating from his breath close to your ear, “For giving me two amazing boys and for existing yourself.” 

Pivoting your body around so that you were facing Atsumu, your hands settling on his chest as you look up at him with your lips curling up to an assuring smile, “Thank you.” 

“And what for?” Atsumu questions, matching your own smile with his own as his hands cup your face. He lowers his head slowly, nudging your nose with his own as the pads of his thumbs brush delicately against your skin. 

Heat spreads across your cheeks at his gestures, feeling shy yourself but despite that, the majority of what you felt was only comfort in being in his arms. “For loving me as much as I love you.” 

He hums in response, placing a quick kiss to your lips. “No, I probably do love you more. More than you can imagine.” 

Before you could respond, he places his lips back firmly on yours and your eyelids flutter shut as if on instinct. The hands of yours that were resting on his chest eventually found their way around his torso to pull him close. Tilting your head to the side, the kiss itself deepens as he runs his fingers through your hair. 

It just felt so natural being with him.

Before the kiss could grow more heated however, a loud yell from outside had interrupted the both of you causing you to pull away much to both of your dismay. Your heads turn towards the direction of the commotion, the bouncy castle coming into view.

Or rather, the depleting bouncy castle with Bokuto and Hinata coming out hastily in laughter. 

You shake your head at the scene, a bubble of laughter leaving your lips before turning your head back over to look at the man before you. Just when you had decided to pull back and return to your duties of being a mother, he wraps his arms back around your waist to pull you back against him. Another laugh escapes your lips as you playfully slap his chest, “What now? We have a party going on, we have to entertain our gue-” 

“Move in with me,” he interrupts, his features showing nothing but seriousness. 

You meet his sincere gaze with your own and your heart makes a leap out of joy. There was only one answer you could possibly give. 

“Yes.”

[vanillafrog]

Friends

Pairing: Tovar/You

Summary: When two mercenaries come to your village, you decide that you want to befriend the one who seems to be isolated from the rest of the town.

Word Count: 2315

Warnings: fluff!! mild sexual harassment, strangers to friends to lovers

A/N: I wrote all of this in Tik-Tok dms and I’m not sorry for it. I also really love Tovar even if he is a stinky smelly man

Tovar is a stoic man. He doesn’t talk much, if at all, in new environments or around new people. The ever permanent scowl on his face didn’t exactly made strangers want to come talk to him either. Not that he minded all too much, the less people around him, the better.   

When Tovar came to your village alongside William, everyone was instantly hesitant of the Spaniard. They welcomed William with open arms however. It saddened you to see neglected based on face value alone. You knew all too well what it felt like to be based on looks.   

Since you were of age, many men had come to your door in hopes of courting you. Some even daring enough to ask your father for your hand in marriage. You rejected each and everyone’s advance. There just wasn’t an attraction to any of the village men. Besides, when working in the tavern, you knew how truly slimy they were.    

So you tried to talk to Tovar one afternoon as he tended to his steed. When you said “hello”, he ignored you until you tried again. He simply turned to you, eyes roaming your figure quite differently from men you knew. While others looked at you like you were an object, he looked at you as if you were potential danger. Much like a frightened rabbit in the form of a bear.   

“What?” he practically growled out.   

You introduced yourself and he scoffed at you. He turned back to grooming his steed when you tried once more to make conversation with the introverted man. “Your horse is beautiful.”   

Tovar side eyed you and hummed in agreement. For a few moments without anymore of a response from him, you sighed. 

“The villagers seemed quite scared of you.”   

“As they should be,” he responded without thought.    

“Why should they be?” you asked with a slight tilt of your head.   

“I am a killer.”    

“Is William also not a killer?” Tovar snapped his head back towards you, truly looking at you for the first time.   

“What do you want, princessa?”   

“To be your friend.” He scoffed once more at you making you frown at him. “Do you not believe me?”   

“I do not,” he set the brush down before moving to stand in front of you. You refused to back away from him, to show him you were scared of him. “What is it that you truly want from me?”   

“Have you never met someone who didn’t want something from you?” His glare sharpened as he crowded into your space.    

“There are no people out there would don’t want anything.” Tovar practically hissed out.   

“I just want to be your friend, nothing more, nothing less.”   After a while of staring at you, he backed away. When he turned back to grab his brush, you let out a breathe you didn’t know you were holding. He didn’t say anything else as he began to brush his horse once more. You frowned at him before leaving the stables.   

Though you left, you were determined to make him like you. So you cheated slightly. When he arrived, the village had a bonfire with plenty of food to welcome the mercenaries to your home. Tovar had eaten as though he hadn’t had a proper meal in months. Perhaps he hadn’t. But that gave you enough inside into how to break down the stone fortress of his heart.    

The next day at roughly the same time, you found Tovar sitting just behind the cottage him and William were lodging at. He appeared to be whittling a branch into something. You watched him for a moment, tightening your grip on the basket before relaxing with a deep exhale. With a smile on your face, you walked over to him.    

He noticed you as you approached. His frown deepened as he saw you before turning his attention back to the branch in his hands. You lowered yourself to sit beside him, a respectful distance between the two of you. He tensed.    

“I made you some pastries,” you said as you removed the cloth from over the basket. Inside was a dozen, slightly over, of sweetbreads you woke up early to make. Tovar glared at you beige glancing down at the food. He hesitated, looking back and forth between the food and you. “It’s all for you.”   

“Why?” His voice was rough from disuse. Through the scowl on his face, you saw something akin to sadness in his eyes.    

“I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to be your friend.” You reached into the basket and pulled out a pastry, holding it out of him as a peace offering. Once again, he hesitated before settling the knife and stick down beside him. His fingers brushed yours as he grabbed the bread from you. A shiver ran down your spine at the feel of his skin against yours. You ignored it. Instead you chose to watch the way he sniffed the bread before taking a large bite out of it.   

A giggle escaped out your mouth before you could stop it as you watched he practically devour the pastry. He seemed to shy away from your joy, most likely thinking you were laughing at his expense. Instead, you grab another pastry and hand it to him. “I’m glad you like my baking. I woke up earlier than usual to make these.”   

He grabbed the pastry from you again, eating this one similarly to the other one. You smiled as you watched with, glad to see him loosen up just slightly. Once he finished the treat, you stood up. He watched from the ground as you wiped off the back of your dress. You turned to him once more and with a smile you said, “I’ll leave you to it. Hopefully, we’ll talk again soon.” With a small bow of your head, you walked away from him, ignoring the way his eyes left a trail from fire down your body as he watched you. 

Weeks passed and with them, a friendship bloomed. It was slow of course. Gaining the trust of a grumpy man was hard work but you knew it would be worth it. You just hoped that one day, you would be able to see his smile.  

When you first had that particular thought, it startled you. It was true that you loved to see friends smile but this was a longing you hadn’t felt before. A longing to be the reason behind such a scarce and sacred grin.    

It took only two weeks of feeding Tovar for you to recognize that perhaps your intentions from the beginning weren’t so platonic after all. You, however, knew you trapped yourself in a corner the moment you offered him only friendship.   

When you asked your friends for advice, they all seemed shell shocked at your willingness to be near the scary man. Despite your reassurances he was of no danger to anyone, they tried to convince you to befriend (and potentially marry) a different man. William was one that seemed to highly recommend. You just frowned at them and continued on with your daily meetings with Tovar.   

This day was much like any other. You had a basket of food for Tovar, who you noticed seemed to have gained some weight during his time at your village. You were secretly pleased to see it as winter was beginning to rear its head and he could use all the warmth he could get. He also seemed much healthier than before. Besides, it also meant he truly did enjoy your cooking.    

As you walked to the stables where you knew he would be, you were stopped by Gregor. He had once tried to court you to no avail. He was much too flamboyant for you. “Yes?” you asked nicely.   

“Is it true you have been seeing the Spaniard every day?” He asked straight to the point.   

“I do not see how that is relevant to anyone else.” You moved to step around him but he blocked you once more.   

“I do not wish to see you hurt.” Gregor touched your arm making you flinch away from him.   

“I assure you that Tovar will not hurt me now please get out of my way.” Your tone was sharp like the sword the two traveling mercenaries carried with them. Gregor stared at you as though you had grown another head before side stepping and letting you pass. You gave him a scalding glare before stomping pass him.   

On your walk, you thought of things to calm yourself down. You thought of evening walks around the village. Of watching the children play together right before supper. The way the sun hit the trees just right and casted dark shadows over the pathways. How some evenings you were able to watch Tovar interact with William in a way only those close would ever.    

Plastering a smile onto your face once more, you stepped into the stable only for it to fall. Tovar’s back was pressed flat to the wall as a so called “friend” pressed her chest to his. She was running her hands along his chain mail armor and cooing at him. Your stomach knotted, wanting to run away from the scene and never talk to either of them again but then you noticed him.    

Tovar’s scowl was deeper than anything you’ve ever had aimed at you. He was tensed and his hands were bunched into fists at his side. It was clear as day that he was uncomfortable with her advances and knowing that eased some of the pain from your chest.    

You cleared your throat, drawing both of their attention to you. Your friend smiled at you and gave you a cheery greeting while Tovar seemed to grimace harder, shrinking into himself. With a fake smile, you said while looking her in the eyes, “Could you leave please? You’re making my friend quite uncomfortable and this is the only time we get to have together.” She seemed shocked by your bluntness before she covered it with a slimy smile.   

“I think we were doing just fine.” She turned to bat her eyelashes back up at Tovar. “We were just getting to know each other.”   

“I doubt you need to be that close to get to know one another.” Tovar snorted making your friend glare at you. She huffed as she pulled away from him. When she walked pass you, she allowed her shoulder to bump into yours but you remained still until she was no longer in sight. Only then did Tovar seem to relax.   

He nodded at you in gratitude before taking his seat at the only bench in the stables. You walked over to him as always and sat the basket next to him. His hand grabbed yours before you could move. “Thank you.” He said to you, the usual edge in his voice dulled down.    

“Of course,” you responded with a smile, squeezing his hand before letting it drop. Removing the cloth off the basket, you sat down next to him. When you noticed he didn’t go for the food immediately, you looked back over to him. He stared at you intensely.   

“How did you know I was uncomfortable?” Tovar finally asked after letting you both simmer in an oddly tense moment.   

“You’re not too difficult to read once someone knows you.” You moved to reach into the basket only for Tovar to gently grab your hand once more. His skin was hot against your chilled hand. Blinking up at him, you waited for him to say something. He didn’t. He just explored your face with his eyes, as through there was a secret to be unlocked. His tongue dipped out to wet his lips, catching your attention for just a moment. A moment long enough for Tovar to notice.   

“Was that truly the only reason you stepped in?” He moved the basket to the other side of him before scooting closer to you, his thigh burning yours as he pressed them together. You gulped.   

“What?” Your voice low, mousey even.   

“You are also not that difficult to read once someone knows you.” Tovar placed his hand on the middle of your thigh. His hand large enough to cover the whole thing.    

“I’m afraid I don’t understand what you are referencing.” For the first time since you met him, your heart beat brutally hard against your rib cage but not out of fear. It was another feeling entirely. One that you knew wouldn’t just go away especially after watching his lips spread into a deliriously sweet smile.    

“We both know you aren’t naive enough to not know what I’m talking about.”   

“Do we both know that?” Tovar shook his head at you, a huff of a chuckle escaping him. He left go of your hand, reaching around your head to hold the back of your neck. Your heart beat impossible faster. For a moment you were scared it would hammer its way out of your chest especially as Tovar’s thumb rubbed gently at your pulse point.   

“Bonita,” he whispered before leaning in and pressing the faintest of kisses upon your lips. As he pulled away, your brain had finally caught up. You leaned forward to kiss him back. He hummed happily against you. It was slow, passionate and filled with emotions you weren’t sure you would ever share with another. You lifted your hands to cups his cheeks, pulling him deeper into the kiss. His grip tightened on your thigh as he licked into your mouth, moaning at the taste of you.   

As you both finally pulled away from each other, you breathed deeply. Tovar bumped his nose against yours, letting you feel his smile against your lips.   

“Friends and nothing more, right?” He teased.    

“Oh hush,” you replied as you pulled him in for another mind blowing kiss.   

[illuminatedquill]

Nevertheless, Episode 9 (Preview)

Na Bi’s Choice

It’s almost time.

This will be my last post until after the latest episode drops, I think. I have no more to say; no more speculation to offer. I am actually still undecided as to whether I’m going to watch it tomorrow or binge it with the final episode next week. We’ll see.

So! I am here to offer a recap and a run down of where Na Bi has been and where, maybe, she’s going in this next episode based on everything I’ve seen so far. This is my opinion and if yours differs, I would love to hear about it.

Let’s do a recap:

Na Bi is, somewhat unsuccessfully, trying to move on from her relationship with Park Jae Un. In episode 8, we have two confessions (well, three, but Soljiwan don’t deserve to be a part of this angsty mess): one from Yang Do Hyeok, Na Bi’s childhood best friend, and one from Park Jae Un, local asshole.

Na Bi seems now aware of how messy her personal life is and has decided that now is not the best time to be dating. She turns down Do Hyeok, who only reassures and comforts her that it’s fine; he still likes her no matter what. Do Hyeok, best boy that he is, decides to respect her decision and give her the space she needs to choose what is best for herself.

Jae Un, asshole that he is, hasn’t gotten the memo that Na Bi desires an end to their drama and continues to invade her personal space and cross boundaries where he isn’t wanted. He does his own version of a confession and drops a hefty piece of info: that he was present at the night when Na Bi’s ex revealed his erotic sculpture of her and saw it all went down. He further reveals that he fell in love with her at first sight there.

Na Bi, thankfully, isn’t impressed.

(Not sure if the show is going to expand further on this info but we’ll see.)

At the end of episode 8, it’s evident that Jae Un is increasingly desperate to keep Na Bi by his side. He stalks her to the alleyway where they first talked all those episodes ago and drops that dumbass one liner about butterflies again.

And that’s where we left off.

Let’s break down Na Bi’s choices next. I’m not going to say how likely any of them are to happen; it’s all up in the air.

It’s Na Bi. We won’t know until she says it.

First off:

Park Jae Un

Let’s talk about it. Chemistry and attraction seem to reign supreme in Nevertheless and his case seems to be further bolstered by the fact that Na Bi seems unable to shut him out permanently (at this point, I’m not sure what exactly would be her breaking point with him). Yes, the two have evident feelings for each other but I’m feeling it more from him, rather than Na Bi.

The tables have certainly turned in this latter half of the drama: now Jae Un is the one desperately in love, whereas Na Bi is not willing to reciprocate. His gestures and advances of “sincerity” towards her come off as entirely self serving; I feel like he enjoys the feeling of being in love with her rather than actually being present in the relationship. It’s one thing to love someone; it’s another thing entirely to put in the work to make the relationship sustainable. And I have yet to see anything from either Jae Un or Na Bi that tells me that they could be a viable couple in the long run.

Also, Na Bi’s decision (if she sticks to it, which I hope she does) to not date anyone currently might have closed the door on this couple already: Jae Un clearly wants to date Na Bi now. There’s an interesting (and increasingly plausible) scenario that could arise from this:

Na Bi gives in and admits her feelings to him but still rejects him because they need to sort themselves out. Jae Un, impatient and wanting nothing short of a hard ‘yes’, takes this as a total rejection and leaves for America. Na Bi is heart broken once again but moves on. They meet again after he returns and it’s up to the viewer to interpret whether or not they give it a second chance.

Here are the factors that work in Jae Un’s favor: first, that damn explosive attraction he has with Na Bi. Although I think it’s wearing off by episode 8, it’s still a potent force. And the fact that Na Bi still has lingering thoughts and feelings towards him also speaks that she isn’t done with him, much to her dismay. Yes, she’s angry, suspicious, sad with him but if she really didn’t care she wouldn’t feel anything at all. And, despite Na Bi’s better judgment, we know he’s the one she keeps turning to.

Other factors? He’s the fucking main lead. Rarely do kdramas have the girl end up with anyone other than the main lead. Our best boy Do Hyeok isn’t even listed as a second lead. So, that’s something to take into consideration.

But don’t count Do Hyeok out just yet. Let’s talk about him.

Yang Do Hyeok

Best boy. One of three reasons why most of us are watching this mess (the other two being Soljiwan). Do Hyeok, despite all the factors previously mentioned working in favor for Jae Un, continues to represent a strong rival and possible endgame for Na Bi. So, let’s talk about him.

Nevertheless makes the strong case for Jae Un and his type of love but it also makes a strong case for Do Hyeok. He was a bright, yet brief presence in the webtoon and his screen time in the drama has definitely been extended to showcase even more of that sweet, charming smile of his.

I’ve written in a previous post about why Do Hyeok and Na Bi make sense and why their relationship is already so good even though they’re not dating but I’ll simplify for you all here: it’s based on an even playing field and has a strong foundation of friendship already present. Do Hyeok doesn’t leave Na Bi in any doubts about how feels about her; he comforts her when she’s feeling down even after she rejected him; he is attentive and cares for her deeply. And, also, she trusts him implicitly in a way she doesn’t with Jae Un. He makes her smile the most like no one else does. With him, Na Bi is unapologetically happy and carefree that she hasn’t been in a long time.

Do Hyeok’s only flaw is that he has epically bad timing. Which, unfortunately, matters a lot in relationships.

The feelings Na Bi has for Do Hyeok have been complicated by his confession but, in a rare moment of clarity (again something she doesn’t have with Jae Un who only confuses her), she turns him down in order to protect him from herself. So, yes, Do Hyeok is still the childhood best friend but only because Na Bi is keeping him safe. She doesn’t want to disappoint him.

One factor working in Do Hyeok’s favors: he’s still in the drama, for one. Seol-a, Jae Un’s ex, has been absent since episode five (although she’s making her grand return in this next episode). If the show was really done with Do Hyeok, it would have been a done deal by now (well, we’ll see what happens in episode 9) but it tells me that there’s still a plan for him. He’s not merely a distraction or being used for character progression for Na Bi and Jae Un.

The biggest thing going for Do Hyeok right now? He and Na Bi are endgame in the webtoon. There’s been plenty of talk about how they’ve made changes to differentiate the drama from the webtoon but I’ve been talking with others who have read the webtoon and we are in agreement: the changes, while substantial, have been to the characters and not so much the overall narrative. I’m not saying the ending will be exactly the same but I do think it will hit the same beats just in a different, healthier and happy way.

My scenario for Do Hyeok and Na Bi is that she makes the choice to finally ditch Jae Un for good but doesn’t commit to Do Hyeok immediately. She might stay friends with him after asking him to wait for her. We’ll see the set up and consummation for that in episode 10.

(However, since Nevertheless is entirely driven by the characters and their choices you could make the argument that those character changes are enough to warrant a different ending. So, take that as you will.)

Despite all the positive things I have to say about Na Bi and Do Hyeok, I have to stress that nothing is guaranteed here. The preview promises nothing but more pain and angst between Na Bi, Do Hyeok, and Jae Un. That’s the only certainty.

Well. There’s one more certainty. At least, I hope. In fact, it’s the most obvious and clear choice that Na Bi should be making in episode 9 and the one I hope the writers are gearing towards. It’s the only outcome any of us should care about, really.

Yu Na Bi

Yes, you read that right.

This is the only endgame we should really give a shit about. That Yu Na Bi chooses herself, her well being, her happiness, over anything else. Jae Un vs Do Hyeok - it’s not important and never really should have been.

Yes, we can all differ on the opinion of which of these two guys can best help her achieve this but Na Bi really needs to stand on her own to achieve this. Happiness has to come from within; she needs to fix what’s broken inside before she can be in a good relationship.

Na Bi needs to love herself first before anyone else. She deserves that so much. I want that before anything else and if she can get that, I will forgive the writers for all the BS they’ve put us through. And even if she chooses Jae Un. I’ll be happy for her and wishing her well.

(Although, again, Do Hyeok is the only one who gets that she needs to figure this out for herself, BUT it’s still Na Bi’s choice. It’s not that Do Hyeok deserves Na Bi, but she deserves someone sweet and good like Do Hyeok in her life.)

Best of luck to us all, Na Bi, and Do Hyeok tomorrow. It’s the beginning of the end. We’re almost there. Let’s wish them all happy endings.

I’ll leave you all this as the mind set you should have going into episode 9:

[linkspooky]

Shigaraki Can’t Be Destroyed

I often get asked this question. Can Shigaraki still be saved? Yes. Alright, post done. Time to go home. Just kidding. I thought I’d do a more comprehensive post not only on why Shigaraki can still be saved, but also why saving him is the only thing that will work. 

The most important thing about Shigaraki’s character is the idea that he: could have been saved. He was a kid who wanted to be a hero just like Deku and would have been in different circumstances. It’s not some internal quality of Shigaraki’s that drove him to villainry, but rather external circumstances. The thing about circumstances is, they change! Shigaraki will react differently under different circumstances. 

Shigaraki is first and foremost, a reaction to problems within society. Punishing Shigaraki will not make the circumstances that created Shigaraki go away. Which is why the most productive response to him, is reform rather than destruction. Society needs to be reformed, Shigaraki needs to be reformed, there’s still a chance for both. Shigaraki can still be saved, because the entire point of his character is that Shigaraki would not even exist if heroes had been doing their job in the first place. 

1. If Gran Torino hadn't been so against saving Shigaraki do you think they could've helped Shigaraki? 

Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. To me the most meaningful quote in regards to Shigaraki’s character is this one. If, at that time, just one person had extended a helping hand... 

We have been told time and time again that Shigaraki is past the point of saving (by heroes who hold high status in hero society, funny that) only to be shown the opposite. It’s the system that has given up on Shigaraki. It is the system that remarks that Shigaraki is unredeemable. 

Even when Shigaraki says that he wanted to kill his family on purpose, that he was happy to see them dead we are shown this is something he was told by AFO to manipulate him. 

Those aren’t Shigaraki’s own beliefs but rather him accepting what AFO told him, him falling victim to AFO’s grooming. He claims he wants to be released from his family but even after the fight with Re-Destro he still holds onto one family hand. (It’s also theorized that the sole hand remaining is Nana Shimura’s hand, the grandmother that inspired little Tenko to become a hero hust like her. 

The hands always have been a symbol of the guilt and remorse Shigaraki feels for killing his family. An unrepetant, symbol of destruction would not feel that way. He wouldn’t be so guilty that he’s constantly apologizing to even the hand of his father who abused him.

Shigaraki has always carried remorse for killing his family, his desire to be a hero, and also guilt for having a terrible quirk only meant for killing others in his heart. Those feelings never disappear, just like Tenko has never truly died. It’s just that Shigaraki is pushed by circumstances to react in a certain way. It’s demonstrated by the dream he has with his family. Shigaraki is very loving and tender, and also, forgiving of his dead family. 

Shigaraki doesn’t hold a grudge against society because he doesn’t want to forgive. It’s the opposite actually. Shigaraki wants to let go of the past. However we’re shown in the same flashback that it’s Shigaraki’s family that refuses to let go of him. 

Shigaraki is happy to see his father at first, but when he sees his father’s violent hand reaching out towards him, he responds with his destructive impulses. Shigaraki wants to forgive and love his family again, but then he’s reminded of their rejection of him. 

Shigaraki has always wanted to be a member of hero society. He’s always wanted to be a part of the picture with everybody else. However, Shigaraki is continually rejected by hero society again and again. Not just for his bad actions. This rejection started when he was a child who had done nothing wrong. Shigaraki is rejected for his trauma. Shigaraki in his dream is gentle, forgiving, until his family turns controlling and only then does Shigaraki respond with violence. Shigaraki as a person is someone who is sensitive who respects the feelings of others, and only becomes violent in response to society’s rejection of him. 

The more the hero system tries to destroy him, the more Shigaraki responds with destruction of his own. Shigaraki is a very responsive character defined by his environment. When he is in a healthier environment such as with the league he acts pretty much like the villain’s equivalent of a hero, he protecst his friends, he cares for their needs and gives them a second family to call home. It’s the hero systems continual rejection of him that pushes him further, and further along the path of villainry. Shigaraki is radicalized and fights back harder with each violent rejection. He started out as a minor villain, but the defeat by All Might, the loss of AFO, the loss of Magne,  all of these things have served to push him further along until he’s reached this point. It’s important the key words to Shigaraki’s arc are if only someone had reached out a helping hand. 

There are two key differences between him and Deku. Deku is someone who has been helped every step of the way whenever he’s needed it. Deku had All Might show up and tell him he could be a hero. Deku has the support of Aizawa. Deku had the mentorship of Gran Torino The opposite has always been true for Shigaraki. The people who gave every effort to help Deku did not lift a finger for Shigaraki. Aizawa has no empathy for Shigaraki despite taking care of Eri, and being told by Kurogiri that some part of him cares for Shigaraki. Gran Torino despite knowing Nana Shimura makes no effort to rescue her grandchild. All Might knowing exactly how manipulative AFO is never makes the connection that Shigaraki might have been abused and manipulated. 

The point is, how can you say that Shigaraki can’t be helped at this point when all the people who could have helped him at any step of the way never so much as lifted a finger? 

This is a deliberate story parallel. Deku gets helped, Shigaraki does not. Deku gets better, Shigaraki gets worse. We are told that Shigaraki might have been different if just one person tried to save him, and then shown again and again not a single hero trying to save him yet. At the same time Shigaraki gets worse and more violent the more the heroes try to put him down. HMMM. I wonder why that is? That’s because the story is deliberately setting this up, Shigaraki cannot be stopped by violence. Shigaraki can only be stopped by being saved. If heroes acted like heroes Shigaraki, would not even exist in the first place. 

2.  Why do you think that Tomura seems to respect Aizawa?

Shigaraki respects Aizawa because part of him still admires heroes. As I said before, the Tenko who wanted to become a hero never went away inside of Shigaraki, he just changed, because circumstances changed him. That’s one of the first questions his mother asks him in his subconscious, after all this time... Tenko, do you still want to be a hero? 

Remember, Tenko wanted to be a hero even in a household that told him he couldn’t be a hero and then beat him for not being able to follow his father’s rules. One of Tenko’s primary reasons for fighting back is being told he can’t do something. Being told he can’t become a hero, because somebody, a power structure, society, says no. 

This is a foiling point between Shigaraki and Dabi too. They are both constantly praising the heroes they fight against. They even both happen to give the same compliments to Aizawa. 

It’s not hard to believe that both Touya and Tenko grew up as hero hopefuls at some point. That they both had an idealized image of heroes in their mind. We don’t know what Touya’s backstory is, but as the son of Endeavor who was denounced as a failure because of his quirk it’s likely he was told just like Tenko that he couldn’t become a hero. 

Shigaraki and Dabi are constantly praising the heroes for how cool they are when they act heroic. They still have this idea of what heroes should be in their mind. And look who the heroes they so often raise are. Aizawa, Hawks, it’s heroes who prioritize saving people above all else. Especially Aizawa, as Aizawa is someone who always moves without hesitation in order to protect children. Whereas, Tenko and Touya are children the heroes did not save. 

They praise Aizawa but at the same time they know deep down that heroes like Aizawa are never going to save people like them. Even the heroes who act mostly like the ideal of heroes they hold in their hearts, are ultimately disappointing. This goes back to what Twice said against Hawks. 

You call yourself a hero, but you’d never save a person like me. 

Dabi mocks Hawks for how heroic he acts, and then grows angry and disappointed when Hawks decides to kill someone. Something a hero would never do in his eyes. It probably doesn’t help that Dabi was someone most likely killed either directly or indirectly by Endeavor, a hero. 

THE THING IS. The thing is here. Here is the thing. Who is savable and who is not, is not judged on whether people are good or bad or whether or not they want that redemption. Shigaraki, Twice, Dabi, Himiko they are all violent crimminals but we’ve also been shown they’re capable of good. Twice wants to protect his friends. Himiko is empathic and capable of tending to people’s feelings. Dabi and Shigaraki are both trying in their own way to reform hero society (and they are really the only characters taking an active look at even how one would go about reforming hero society). 

Who is redeemable is just something society chooses based on its unfair standards. Endeavor was offered a chance at redemption before Shigaraki, Twice, Dabi or Himiko. The thing is, Endeavor was never even punished, he was never held accountable for his actions in any way the same way the villains are not because his actions were better or worse but because he has power and status in society. 

People get saved based upon whether they fit the mould of society or not. The rejects will never be offered the same oppurtunities or chance at rehabilitations that the heroes get. It has absoluetly nothing to do with whether they’re actually redeemable, but whether they’re useful. 

Which is why we see Aizawa’s hypocrisy regarding Shigaraki. So much emphasis is put on how Aizawa has to destroy Shigaraki, for the sake of someone like Eri.

The things Aizawa thinks about Shigaraki, are the things Chisaki said to Eri almost ad verbatim. Aizawa who knows what a gentle and kind girl Eri is capable of being refuses to see any victimhood at all in Shigaraki. 

Because in Hero Society, victims are only victims if they are meek, and cry politely and beg to be helped. If they fight back. If they become violent when violence has been done to them, they lose all status as victims. 

What Aizawa is doing is essentially putting two victims against each other. Eri needs to be protected at all costs because she’s good, Shigaraki needs to be put down at all costs because she’s bad. If Shigaraki had somehow been a more obedient, quiet, meek victim than he would still be salvagable but he’s not. Shigaraki isn’t a direct threat to Kurogiri / Shirakumo, he’s not even a direct threat to Eri. Aizawa pretending he has to put down one in order to protect the other is just Aizawa’s own faulty judgement. 

Eri could have been a lesson to Aizawa to how kids held in captivity and manipulated all their lives by violence in order to be groomed into good little child soldiers act, but Aizawa completely ignores the connection between Shigaraki and Eri, or even Kurogiri / Shirakumo and Shigaraki. He sees two people taken in by villains and manipulated into becoming someone that is the opposite of who they originally were, and doesn’t draw the connection that AFO must have done that to Shigaraki too. He wants to sacrifice himself to protect children, but only the good ones ultimately. 

Which is why Aizawa while acting like a hero most of the time is ultimately disappointing to both Shigaraki, and Dabi. No matter how good Aizawa’s intensions are he’s still a part of hero society, and reflects Hero Society’s ills and perpetuates them. Aizawa wants to be a hero who protects people, and children especially. However, Aizawa often ends up becoming a part of the violent suppression of villains. 

Because that is how Aizawa has been taught to be a hero. That is the standard Aizawa has always held himself too. Even when Aizawa wants to save people, he thinks it’s his job to kill villains. 

Which is why Aizawa’s two primary motives contradict each other. He wants to live to protect his students, but he also wants to dedicate his every living effort to taking down Shigaraki in the most suicidal way possible. Aizawa cannot choose both, because one is living for violent revenge, and the other is acting like a real hero. 

Aizawa is most like a hero when he takes his role as the protector of children seriously. He’s farthest away from the idea of a hero when he forgets that, and allows children to be brought to a battlefield, or thinks that the solution to all of this is taking down yet another abused child like Shigaraki.

Which all ties back to my main point, Shigaraki and Dabi are characters who after all this time some small part of them wants to be saved. In this fight Shigaraki is the character with dreams, convictions. Shigaraki is still after all this time acting like a hero struggling to make his dream of a better world come true.

It’s Shigaraki who constnatly tries to open the lines of communciations between heroes and get them to understand his point of view. Shigaraki is at his literal lowest point, half insane from getting lit on fire over and over again STILL trying to get people to understand his point of view and sympathize with him. 

 It’s the heroes who gave up on Shigaraki. It’s the heroes who decided Shigaraki cannot be saved. Not Shigaraki himself. Shigaraki wants heroes to exist, and some childish part of him wants heroes to save him, he just knows it’s never going to happen as long as society as a whole rejects both his victimhood and humanity. 

That’s why it’s on the heroes to live up to the promise that heroes save people. Shigaraki’s arc would not constantly call back to the fact that at any time, anyone could have saved him by simply reaching out a hand, if he wasn’t supposed to be saved. 

[soukokuwu]

Headcanons for Dazai with a fem s/o who has a past similar to his (a lot of death, violence, darkness, abuse, etc.) and is as intelligent as him (basically someone with all the right pieces in place to be as depressed and pessimistic as he is), but she's different in that even though she understands firsthand that life can be awful, she also sees all of its beauty and sincerely loves the world? As an extension of that, she's pretty free-spirited, has her burdens from her past but deals with—

—them healthily, and has a lot of empathy. How would Dazai feel about that? Sorry for how weirdly specific this was!

➤ hi anony, and dw it’s ok!! ^.^ i hope you like these i tried my best with them 🥺

➤ character: dazai

s/o with a similar past

knows about your past before you even tell him about it. but he respects some boundaries. he knows that it’s full of abuse, full of darkness, much the same as his was. but he doesn’t know the full details, the gory particulars. dazai wants to get to know you the normal way after all.

once he does know your full story, he’s incredibly curious. why are you so... bright? how do you manage to still open up your heart so easily to others? to let them in even though most of what you’ve grown up with tells you otherwise? basically, he doesn’t understand at all why you’re so open to vulnerability.

and ironically, that’s why he gets close to you, decides to be with you. because it oddly reminds him of something a dear friend once said. if both sides are the same, be a better person. and you and dazai are two sides of the same coin; yet you deal with everything... healthier. you’ve been the one hurt and you been the one to inflict hurt, yet you do your best to make a better person of yourself. he envies that. because he thinks you’ve achieved it even if you yourself don’t.

loves it how you deal with him... differently. you don’t chide him for his attempts and you don’t expect him to change overnight. it’s because you get it that you let him be who he is. you don’t expect your presence to change his views on life completely. but you’re still there for him regardless, even through any attempts, through all the bad days and thoughts. and he’ll probably never tell you but he appreciates this more than anything. he doesn’t feel pressured to put on his comedic mask around you; he can really just be himself.

people are attracted to what they can’t fathom. it stands true even after you get together with him. he sees you everyday, like really sees you. you being understanding and kind and patient to people, to ‘friends’ that didn’t deserve it. he sees how you live your everyday, being so giving and so helpful to everyone. if you could help them you would. and dazai is frustrated. he wants to shake you and tell you that they’re not worth it, to tell you that you’d be better off saving those efforts for yourself. but he doesn’t. because he knows you; you already know it.

keeps mum about it but once you gradually get closer he’s a little of an ass. instead of leaving you be, he questions your every move. do something nice? “why do you even bother?” helping someone in a way that doesn’t benefit you at all? “i really wish you wouldn’t waste your time.” and even though it’s born out of concern, it starts getting too much, like someone breathing down your neck about every little thing.

basically does the whole ‘try to push you away’ thing. when he sees you’re so inherently nice and kind and just everything he thinks he’s not, dazai starts to question if he’s even good for you. so he tries his best to leave. because you deserve so much better than him, someone that’s not going to put you in danger, or at least someone who knows how to be a decent person. not someone... inhuman like him.

doesn’t work of course. you’re as intelligent as he is, plus you understand him. you don’t force him to stay, but you make sure it gets through to him how you feel. he won’t understand completely, he’s not the type to see the glass half full. but he also knows that there’s probably no one else like you.

takes him a while but he will understand that if he thinks he doesn’t deserve you, he’ll have to try his best to make it so he does. because he knows you really do love him, and he’d rather work on what he has with you than go through different nights with the entire female population of yokohama.

[crossdressingdeath]

You know, as someone who is gay and has... more experience in abusive relationships than I ever wanted... hearing people talk about how unhealthy WangXian is upsetting. I know I can’t speak for everyone, but in my opinion WangXian is something more queer people need to see. And people calling it abusive when it isn’t is actually counterproductive when you think about it.

Like, I’ve had to play the guessing game of “Do my friends and family have a legit reason to be concerned, or are they secretly homophobic?”. Not a very fun game. You already have people online saying that gay relationships are sinful/toxic just by existing. Just seeing people misinterpret canonically gay couples as toxic/unhealthy just because the relationships isn’t perfect is going to make people not take actual claims on legitimate toxic/unhealthy fictional couples seriously.

I’ve seen so many people try to say that WangXian is either toxic or a stereotypical yaoi couple, and I just think “are we reading the same novel? what translation are you reading?”.

“Forced Gender Roles/Het Coding” – you mean how LWJ typically does more feminine chores, while WWX is more skilled/knowledgeable with traditionally masculine chore? Like in his dream, where LWJ is literally a housewife while his a busy husband?

“Stereotypical Seme/Uke dynamic” – not even mentioning the fact this isn’t yaoi (it’s danmei) and therefore, theydon’t really fit that genre, I really doubt it? Like, WWX is the one who decides nearly everything in the relationship. Regardless of what LWJ wants, he won’t push WWX into anything. In fact, WWX has to encourage LWJ to talk about what he wants/likes. Really, thinking about, WWX is kind of the one in charge.

LWJ might have WWX beat in terms of pure physical strength, but if you think LWJ could win in a fight without WWX letting him, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention. May I remind you, without golden core, WWX took on multiple armies? And the one that killed him only won because he let them. They technically didn’t even kill him! MXY’s body means WWX has a golden core now - he’s not as strong physically but he can work on that - he’s still stronger in every other aspect. It’s basically impossible for LWJ to overpower him.

“Rape/Noncon” - Where? There are two moments where LWJ crosses boundaries... but only one of those moments is an actual boundary crossed. Every other intimate moment that happens, LWJ makes certain that WWX is actually enjoying himself and consenting.

The infamous kiss. A lot of people misinterpret this as something the author threw in because it was “hot”. In actuality, this kiss is important for multiple reasons. While WWX isn’t upset by this kiss, LWJ clearly is. This moment is what causes LWJ to stop trying to force WWX to go back to CR with him – it’s this moment that makes him realize if he continues down this path, he will end up like his parents. This moment is the start of major character growth for LWJ, allowing him to become a better man, one that WWX can actually love wholeheartedly without any regrets. It’s this moment where he decides that he can’t just take little things from WWX anymore - he has to try a different approach to help him, and accept that WWX might never feel the same way (obviously he’s wrong). Like, the impact this has is huge, and it’s another reason why LWJ refuses to mention his feelings to WWX - he doesn’t want to force him ever again. So he won’t. Not even by having WWX agree to be with him out of graditude.

The other boundary crossed is when LWJ spanks WWX during sex. The narration makes it very clear at that moment that it’s not okay, that WWX is uncomfortable and doesn’t like it. And it stops, LWJ moves from it after some nudging from WWX. After the event, they have a serious talk where WWX makes it very clear that while he enjoys a lot of things, LWJ can’t do that ever again of he wants to continue being with WWX. LWJ could have argued, could have said that since they were under the influence of the incense burner, he shouldn’t be blamed for his actions. Instead, he swears never to do anything like that ever again.

This is so important! The message this sends is so important! This whole scene is saying that, no matter what kinks you might have or how kinky you are, your boundaries deserve to be respected. You don’t have to do something you’re uncomfortable with just because you’re kinky and your partner likes it. How can anyone read that and think it’s supporting rape?

Also... if I’m being honest... I actually thought CQL had a more stereotypical Seme/Uke dynamic than the novel. WWX is so much weaker and less observant/cunning... couple that with the fact the he’s not only not even a little guilty of his crimes but he’s actually made into a poor victim with lot of fainting into LWJ’s arms... yeah, he comes across much more like a uke than in the novel. LWJ is also so much more of a stereotypical overprotective seme too. Then there’s the whole thing lack of consent someone else mentioned, with how WWX forces LWJ to drink/how LWJ tricks WWX into marrying him (so he literally did the thing his father did that the fandom finds so unforgivable?). I like CQL, but a huge chunk of those fans are kind of obnoxious and toxic... and hypocritical I guess.

So, I just wanted to rant after seeing so many posts on this topic. I’m just really annoyed. I don’t even know if this makes any sense.

That is an excellent point re CQL. I’ve thought about how they weakened WWX and dumbed him down (presumably to make him more of a victim), but not how that affects his dynamic with LWJ. Also I do want to acknowledge that there is dubcon in the novel; the first time they have sex LWJ is drunk to start and we don’t know when exactly he sobered up. But like... that’s not exactly uncommon in romance novels. And the show has WWX forcing LWJ to get drunk against his will and LWJ marries WWX without his knowledge or consent, which... really isn’t better, especially as the novel does have discussion about how what they did was kind of a mess with consequences and them having to discuss it, which the show... doesn’t. In fact the novel takes consent as a far more important thing than the show does to the point of it being a central theme that the show lacks.

Yeah, I have to say that people insisting that Wangxian (specifically novel Wangxian) is super unhealthy feels like the double whammy of “Ewwwwww gay people who aren’t unrealistically perfect” and “Ewwwwwwwww a woman writing gay romance”. I mean, I seriously doubt that if one of them was a girl and/or the story was written by a dude and nothing else changed people would react anywhere near as vehemently towards it. Like... it seems interesting that the version people are insisting is healthier is the censored idol drama where they aren’t actually in a relationship and the people in charge mostly seem to be men, that’s all I’m saying.

[niuniente]

As the New Year 2021 is finally here, following the demanding year of 2020, I decided to make a global reading to check energies of 2021. You might want to read this as global energies affect every one of us in a way or another.

We’ve reached the top of 2020, The Sacred Mountain. The climb has been demanding – more for some than others – and we have needed to overcome obstacles. Notice also how Sacred Mountain as a symbol is related to hermits, who isolate themselves from others to be on top of the mountain. Year 2020 was a year of isolation and distance, which was part of the hard climb we all had to go up in a way or another. While it doesn’t look like it, year 2020 served its spiritual higher purpose and thus it was a sacred year. Usually the most demanding years are the best in a long run for us all. We might be here anymore to see the events which evolve in the future – like in 100 years – but people in 2121 will be able to track things from their time to 2020 and its events.

As we leave 2020 behind, we emerge more wiser than in the beginning of 2020 with the Elder card. This is the most important key for the next year. All the knowledge, wisdom and experience we have gathered in 2020 will serve us in 2021 (and for many for a lot longer). Many people emerge from the old to this new year with new understanding. We have seen globally how different old masks and facades fall, how peoples’ truest wants and desires come out, how governments truly are etc. That was also part of the 2020’s lessons so that we’d learn to turn within and trust our own guidance. This is also the message of the Elder. The humanity will continue turning more within and accept less from the outside sources in 2021. This is the time of a major energy shift, when people are awakening to their own powers, to their own wants. No more walking with closed eyes while forgetting ourselves. We have gained understanding of how things can be done differently (for example remote work, online purchases, better communal operations) and there’s no return to the old with the wisdom of Elder. Surely, government and the status quo that’s “dying” will try to keep up with it (good example is Trump refusing to leave his post. He’s an embodiment of the old times which won’t work anymore but which refuse to let go of their benefits and what they have gained without a futile fight).

Year 2021 will be the element of Air. Air is wonderful because it represents dreams, ideas, thought and freedom. We will feel a sense of lightness this year when the year changes and we have big hopes that things will turn better in 2021. People will be keener on trying new things, developing new things, having better innovations and this will affect also marketing and business. While the business world is all about money, they are very adaptable now and willing to try new things because how people behave and think and live has changed in 2020 for good. Air is also the second most spiritual element right after water, so changes in old religions can happen (like them being more open minded and really going there to genuinely help people). People are awakening more for the spirituality and will want to find their own ways. Revival of old religions and traditions can also arise more in 2021.

Air’s negative side is that it’s fickle and can’t make decisions. It’s hasty, unreliable, hard to grasp, too high to understand. While ideas appear, they might not be able to put in use yet. We can take a breather but obstacles of 2020 aren’t yet over. For that, there’s Narrow Pathway. It means that the path that opens in 2021 after the struggles of 2020 is narrow and we might need to squeeze through it with our last strength, without knowing what’s on the other end (because of the fickle air). The world isn’t free from obstacles yet and this is understandable. Themes of 2020 will continue appear in 2021 too with the card of Overcoming Obstacles, but they won’t be so disastrous or demanding anymore. In 2021, we’re mending things and overcoming them. The worst is behind. It is the last sprint.

What these obstacles are globally are related to government, work life, employment, social security, social structures etc. a bit depending what country it is we’re talking about. That’s why Discovering Truth is present in this reading. Like said, 2020 shook people up; “Wake up! Listen! Are you following your own truth or someone else’s? Who are you? What do you want? Are you happy in your life? If not what needs to change?”

People will be less willing to just suck it up and follow blindly authorities with their demands. Together with the Spirit of Air, the innovative governments, companies, organizations and people, who operate together with others giving them freedom to choose and live from their truth, will succeed the best in 2021.  This unwillingness to give your own power back can appear as clashes against old authorities refusing to let go of their old glory. People are closing the moment when they have had enough of all bullshit. It is important that everyone finds their own truth and lives from it. The obstacles appearing in front of every person this year will ask them “Who are you? What do you truly want?” It might not be a time for taking action yet for everyone as the Air represents thinking and thoughts. It is definitely good year for some mental work and figuring out who we are. I think everyone will have more or less work on that this year.

Voyage of the Heart is very soothing and warming. It says that this all happens so that people would dare to go towards their dreams. That they would learn to listen to their hearts instead of listening others, following authorities and traditions blindly, and operating from the space outside heart (fear, gluttony, greed etc.) There’s NOTHING wrong with following any authority if it makes the person happier, more fulfilled, more in tune with who they are. Some people will find different guides, authorities etc. for this new journey they want to follow. That’s okay.

Matters of heart will be important. Compassion, wanting to be together and unite again are strongly present in 2021. The year 2020 stopped everyone on their track, forced them to climb up the Sacred Mountain without much any help and leisure, isolated everyone from one another and did this so that we would see what is TRULY important to us. What truly makes people happy and healthy. Connection to others. Compassion. Kindness. Free will. Freedom. Laughter. Socializing. Hobbies. Friends. Family. Loved ones. Nature. Working together for a better goal. All these are high qualities which are natural to us. These qualities will get more important role in 2021 and we will appreciate these a lot. I just saw the movie Soul and laughed how such a movie with a motto “Enjoy your life & See what’s truly important in it” appears in the year 2020 which forces people to stop and do those things. The reward of all these wonderful things will taste even better in 2021.

Voyage of the Heart can mean for some people that they will find a new home somewhere else. They will move and start anew. Relocating is typical for awakening of one’s heart and own truth.  This is also feminine card and feminine energy will heal more in 2021. This has been already happening (see Me Too-movement and Black Lives Matter) and it continues in 2021. Many can figure out this year that it is OK to be feminine and have gentle qualities. This includes companies and authorities with gentler, nurturing, more accepting and creative approaches and values. Green values are part of the uprise of feminine energy.

The 2021 will have a Favorable Outcome. It also says that all this bullshit we’ve gone through will have a Favorable Outcome for the whole world in a long run (but like I said, we might not be here to witness all those good things). New innovations, people rising up to fight for their right for happy and meaningful life, fighting against oppression so that all would be treated equal, quitting the old bullshit spewed on us by the authorities, and all personal discoveries will benefit everyone. As we’re all connected to one another, your personal happiness will spread through this network of souls to others and uplift not only you but the whole global energy.

This Is Your Life’s Purpose says that we all came here on this time intentionally. It’s not a coincidence. We are all gaining something of this energy shift which will support us in our daily lives, in our bodies, in our purpose. Remember what I said about the movie Soul? Yeah. That’s the thing happening now! The harder the obstacles hit the farther you have accidentally wandered from your truth and yourself. It can be hard, but you can do it! No matter where you are now, it is OK.

Focus Upon Divine And Perfect Health is a wonderful thing to see for 2021! Covid will loose its grip on us and we would do well if we concentrated more on thinking health and healthy thoughts and mongering in fear. This DOESN’T mean that people should dismiss the pandemic. No. It means “Keep Calm and Carry On”. Wash your hands. Keep your distance to others. Wear a mask. Look after yourself and others. Don’t take stupid risks. And, while doing that, concentrate on health, healthy thoughts and the promise that this pandemic shall pass. We’re almost at the end of it. The scientific discoveries as well as the economical and social discoveries and changes will promote better health for people in the future, too, and hopefully change for example work life to healthier with remote works and such (of course, it is not possible to change ALL working environments to healthier in a zap, but any progress is better than no progress). Also, as people respect their truth and themselves, and allow the feminine energies flow with nurturing, creativity, equality, girl power etc. it will benefit peoples’ health too. This includes everyone no matter how their identify themselves. Energies don’t have genders or identities. They just are, just like colors.

The last card is Let Go Of Fear…Now. This is for the end of the year. Things will be better then but everyone will benefit if they can calm down as much as possible and fear as little as possible. Suppressing emotions and feelings is not healthy, so if you feel something, you feel it. Getting stuck in there is the problem. As the previous cards said, the new changes will let people and businesses let go of some fears, which will benefit people in a long run (like “if I let my employees have remote work days, they will be lazy”).  The fear of the pandemic should also ease up the deeper we get into 2021. Notice also how the character is a man and in the sword, there’s a reflection of another man. This is a symbol of masculine energy also healing. Masculine energy is toxic when it has lost its connection to feminine energy (and feminine energy is toxic when it has lost its connection to masculine energy). As the feminine energy cleans up and gets stronger, it will benefit masculine energy and men/those who identify themselves as men or masculine. Men are healing, too, and a health masculinity is protective, loving, supportive, gentle and warm.

This is a promise that there’s nothing to be afraid in 2021. Everything is panning out in the big picture exactly as it should, even if it didn’t feel like it from our limited perspective. All is well and all will be even better.