#“theyre actually markers for me to know who is who”

[absurdumsid]

I love the way u draw the boys with lines under theyre eyes, it makes me think of all of them applying makeup in the morning lol

killer is in charge of doing it for them i think

[gibbearish]

oh psa but if you're in an industry that checks IDs and the person in front of you is clearly trans, don't make comments about anything on that ID. for instance saying "OMG your middle name's Danielle? that's my name too!!!" to someone 5 feet tall with a full beard is perhaps not the best choice one could make if one didn't want to put a neon glowing sign above that person's head saying "THIS IS A TRANSGENDER" to everyone they're with

[wrens-writings]

Pretty Boy

: ̗̀➛ Jason Grace x clearsighted mortal!gn!reader

: ̗̀➛ In which you witness something horrible and wake up wishing it was just a dream, only to be met with the prettiest man you’ve ever laid your eyes on

: ̗̀➛ oh my gods??? hi??? yall absolutely ATE UP my percy fic??? i was actually SO nervous abt posting my writing, but the positive feedback made me so happy :,) also yes, this is set during HoH. do i care? no! piper is a gay icon and im sorry but i clocked in IMMEDIATELY that she wasn’t straight. my gaydar is just THAT good. also, i’m not entirely the biggest fan of this piece, but i believe in posting what i make. i use it as progress markers :)

: ̗̀➛ WARNINGS: probably out of character, near allusions to a panic attack (mr stapler eater thwarts it quickly 😌), jason being FINE.

‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!’ you think to yourself as you stare, unable to tear your eyes away from the Neptune statue that you frequently found yourself at this summer.

you watch as two weird furry things giggle and laugh at two boys. you don’t understand any of what’s happening right now, but you do know that whatever those weird ass creatures are, they stole the boys belongings.

you’ve never been the type to just let people get harassed, even if you don’t know them, or if their harassers are… four foot tall furry things… “hey! those don’t belong to you!” you growl at the creatures, stepping out of the shadows of the alleyway and approaching the broken fountain.

you let out a startled squeak as the shorter boy lights his hands on fire out of shock and defence when you approach. the sound that left your body as well as the EVERYTHING happening around you somehow distracted you from the telltale feeling of lightning preparing to strike on you.

in a flash, golden cords extend from Neptunes fingers, wrapping mostly around the blond boy. one of them misses the brunet, only to latch itself onto you.

just as you’re caught up in the tight golden cords, your body pressed tightly against the blond boy’s, a bolt of lightning strikes Neptunes trident, and suddenly the world went black.

vaguely, you can hear someone telling you to wake up, almost as if they were in a panic. thinking it was your mother trying to tell you that you’re going to be late for school, despite it being july, you curl yourself tighter into the nearest surface.

‘wait a damn minute…’ you think to yourself briefly. ‘this… this isn’t my pillow or my blanket…’

your eyes fly open, and are met with the clearest blue you’ve ever seen. theyre so blue that you weren’t sure if you were looking at the sky for a split second. and then it all comes rushing back.

“oh my god!” you cry, your voice shaking with confusion. it was real? why did it have to be real? why couldn’t this whole thing have just been a dream??

the pretty blond boy was clearly panicking a bit himself. “hey! hey! calm down, it’s okay!” he says over your panicky breathing. “my name is Jason. everything is oka— breathe, dude oh my gods calm down?!”

well that snapped you out of it.

“excuse me?!” you snap, your eyes narrowing with distaste. “don’t you tell me to calm down when i’m hanging upside down with some himbo lookin’ ass who’s acting like this is a regular ole thursday!”

the boy, Jason, bites his lip to stifle a laugh. if he wasn’t so damn attractive, you would’ve been incredibly offended. “sorry.” he giggles.

as you study his face, your own softens slightly. Jason didn’t portray it with his heart on his sleeve, but looking deeper into those mesmerizing clear blue eyes, you could see the horrors. something tells you that he doesn’t get to let loose very often.

“y/n.” you say, much softer than before. “my name is y/n.”

Jason smiles, and the small scar on his lip twitches. briefly, you wonder what the story behind it is. “it’s nice to meet you, y/n. i’m Jason. i wish it could’ve been under better circumstances.” he offers kindly.

you scoff and roll your eyes with a hint of fondness. “yea yea. you know how to get us out of this, Pretty Boy?” you ask with a small, slightly nervous smile.

Jason chokes, clearly not expecting the compliment. “er- yea. uh, just… don’t freak out when i pull out my sword.” he says sheepishly.

your eyes widen. sword?! before you even realize it, there’s a satisfying shrng! of metal in the air. Jason’s golden blade cuts through the cords that hold the two of you up and you tumble to the ground.

you wince and cradle your head. “ow…” you murmur, a frown on your lips.

despite you CLEARLY being in pain, Jason laughs at you softly. he offers you his hand to help you up, and with a shy smile, you take it. “these streets probably aren’t that safe right now… let me walk you back to… er… wherever you came from?” he offers kindly.

you can’t help but chuckle now yourself. “oh, sure, let’s walk to america.” you say with a snort as you begin to walk down the pretty streets of italy with an equally pretty boy. “won’t your friend need help, though?”

Jason shrugs your worry off. “nah, Leo’s fine. he’s as resourceful as they come.” he tells you with a smirk.

you nod and continue walking. “so i assume that there’s a reason i could see those weird things?” you ask softly, almost afraid of the answer.

Jason nods stiffly. he opens his mouth to answer you, but you don’t hear it. you’re too busy staring at him. at those clear, electric blue eyes that are shielded by a pair of glasses and hide so much pain. his soft looking pink lips and the scar along them. his windswept blond hair, as though he’d been flying through the sky without any protection. the way he talks and walks, as if he’s been trained his whole life to be a diplomat.

jesus christ, this boy is pretty as they come.

when you finally tear your eyes away from him, you frown. you’re somehow at the home your family has rented for the summer. already?

“thank you, for walking me back.” you say to him shyly as you look back into his gorgeous eyes.

Jason’s cheeks light pink, just barely, but enough that you can see. “of course. it’s no problem.” he responds as he rubs the back of his head nervously. “take care of yourself, okay, y/n?”

you nod and say your farewells, watching him as he turns and runs back the way you walked, intent on finding his friend. you wonder if you’ll ever see him again, if the fates will ever allow you to cross paths with such a beautiful person ever again.

your eyes fall as you watch him leave, but snap back up quickly. damn! he has a nice ass, too…

[izel-reblogs]

noooo I can’t be on anon oh well anyways I came over here to scream at you

I FUCCCKKKIKNHHDSHSBNSMZKZKZKZK LOVE HOW YOU DRAW PEOPLE I WILL LITERALLY COMBUST !!!!!! ITS SO SIMPLE YET DISTINCT AND IT FEELS REAL AND I WANT TO DRAW MEN AS HOT AS YOU IDK HOW YOU DO IT THEYRE ALL MAGNIFICENT AND I WANT TO CHEW ON THEM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEYRE GONNA GET M E THROUGH THE SCHOOL YEAR COLLEGE IS STRESSFUL BUT NOT WHEN YOU HAVE LEE DRAWING BEAUTIFUL MEN YOU CAN STARE AT !!!!!! always and forever obsessed with your Oscar he’s so handsome and stunning and beautiful and he wouldn’t do it but I’d ask him to crush me anyway he’s soooo bbg I should ask my gf if she’s okay with me having a second wife because I will wed that man. OKAY MOVING ON absolutely invest in some alcohol markers even if you have to plead and beg oh they’re so worth it maybe even wait a bit and ask for a giant pack of em for like Christmas or ur birthday or something because those go a long way hot dammnnnn also ur so right about our John’s being twinsies bc I must admit I had struggled to draw him how I was picturing him until I perused your art of him and then it all clicked and I was like yeah that’s him Lee’s human John is the canon human John to me what can I say uh sorry anyway I should leave I have gay men I should be drawing ughjdhshsj just know I will explode into a thousand little pieces whenever you post that blindfaith art I actually don’t think I’ll survive tell my wife I love her and that I leave my tumblr account, my cult members, and my podcast men art to her

(camera pans away from you, turning to me, lying on the floor completely dead clutching my phone to my chest)

NO STOP IT. YOU DONT GET TO UNO REVERSE ME. I AM THE ONE WHO SENDS INSANE FANGIRL ASKS AROUND HERE, COMPRENDE???? /j

aAJDSLKJFLSKDJLFKJSLDKF YOURE LITERALLY ONE OF MY IDOLS REGARDING ART I AUDBILY SQUEAKED UPON RECELIVING THIS ASK SLDKFJLSKDJF KREIJFOERMFOAIFOMSDJLFJSD

[leftclown]

So now I'm gonna move on and actually describe an experience I have had as a trans man who is currently detransitioned due to financial status. This experience involves both misogyny and transphobia, and I'm not really here to debate weather or not I Can experience these things, instead I'm just going to share it.

So I guess somewhat important context to this is that I am rather feminine by appearence. If you encountered me in the wild you'd think I was the hoodie and cookie monster pajama girl from high school. My partner, also not currently receiving gender affirming care passes a bit better than me. He at the very least gives people pause or incites confusion. Usually, though, people just assume he's a young man.

I was going to get a state ID because I had moved recently to another state. My ID from my previous state had my gender marked as M because I went through the due process to get that done. New home state has a policy that if youre from out of state you have to get your ID processed at the police station. My partner is also trans and had gone a week prior to get his done, and they had respected his ID's gender marker, moving all of his information from the out of state record.

I go in and of course I am marked F, so upon reviewing it I said thats incorrect, because my ID says M. We go back and forth and I eventually produce my partner's ID and say "you did it for him just last week". Big mistake on my part because I'm honestly still learning how not to give people like this the benefit of the doubt. Regardless, they go to their manager to figure out what to do.

A few minutes later I am called alone into the managers office. Here's a shortlist of this meeting;

-Thet confiscated my partners ID without him present

-Told me my due process didn't matter, that I can only change it if I had a letter saying I had already had SRS.

-Took my previous ID and voided it so I couldn't change my birth certificate

-Made me submit my ID as F

-Tell me my partner has to come in to correct his to F as well

This all happens very quickly, and I try to advocate for myself and lose. By the end of it, I am crying a bit and I mutter to myself "This is fucking insane".

This is the part that really fucked me up.

The manager stepped forward toward me, holding her hands in that defensive position, the one cops to do say 'I'm calm but prepared to use force', you know where they tilt their hips forward and rest their hands on the front of their belt. She tells me "I understand you're upset, but there is no swearing in here."

I am a nearly 30 year old MAN. And she is trying to tell me not to swear like I'm some teenager giving her lip.

"I'm not from here, this is just how I talk" I say, not yet realizing that she is trying to instigate. She prods this issue again, trying to detract me, trying to get me to cuss more. Trying to rile me up. I become quiet and still, thank them for their time and leave. She called me Sweetheart as I left.

And there is nothing I can do in this situation. Im dealing with cops in a red state. There's nothing I can do but cave to the authority because my plans are bigger than this. Because to further advocate is to put myself in danger and she made that very clear by drawing a line at me swearing. So I submit.

Submitting in a situation like this feels like your power is being taken from you. Like they are physically removing something from your arms and trying to get it back would be a major risk. It's not just that someone is stepping on me, it's that theyre telling me politely to get on the ground so I can be stepped on. It felt especially oppressive in this scenario, but it always feels like this. In the workplace, in social group, in family, a trans man is the least respectable thing you can be because not only are you a woman, but you're a crazy, damaged woman and if you're me you get ire for being a waste of a pretty face.

There's always a timeline too, it can be long or short but it always goes like this; People receive me initially with feigned tolerance and some mild comparisons to my partner's masculinity. Then they start poking and pushing and trying to see if I'm really a trans man in ways they think is subtle but to me is very unsubtle. Eventually, when they've disrespected me to the point of reacting emotionally, they act like they've gotten their gotcha moment because I've displayed the Ultimate Thing that makes you Not A Man: Tears. Most of them don't even need to get to there to conclude I'm a trender because well if I'm already almost 30 and haven't transitioned, I must not want it bad enough.

I'm sharing this story not just because it displays the intersections of being a trans man, how hard it is to obtain respect and how fragile that respect is, but also because I know there are guys out there who are like me. I see you, you with the puffy lips and round hips, you who can't transition right now, you who feels like he's waiting for a some day, for a time when it's just okay to exist out there and be treated with the basic fucking dignity of telling someone "Hi, I'm Dave" and having them reply without looking at your tits first. Who has beat himself up in the quiet hours for years for being too emotional, too feminine, feeling assaulted by the way the world wants to commodify your body and demonize your mind. You deserve to be seen and respected.

[sutherkins]

what dating peter sutherland is like part two 💌

• be prepared to have everything done for you whether you ask him to do it or not

• did you offhandedly mention the list of chores you need to do? dont worry about it, peters got it covered

• he likes to cook for you

• before he started dating you, he actually had no clue how to cook anything that wasnt super simple like boxed pasta

• in the early stages of the relationship he took cooking classes to get better and while hes not a professional, he can make you some pretty good homemade meals

• in return, you like to exercise your hobby for baking and make him a lot of sweet treats

• he loves watching competitive baking/cooking shows and no one can tell me otherwise

• you both love to watch them together and will wait until both of you are free to catch up on any episodes you missed

• he’s extremely supportive

• going to a pride parade? he’s there to support you (and everyone there) and have fun!

• a protest perhaps? he’ll stand right next to you with his own sign

• he loves dogs

• he loves being in nature

• any time he gets hurt he recites the names of his favorite basketball players to distract himself from the pain

• his favorite place to be is with you at his cabin

• he loves to give you gifts every once in a while especially if he notices that you’ve been eyeing something specific but havent gotten it for yourself yet

• staying in with you is his preferred way to have a date, hes not fond of being around people too much

• he’ll 100% take you to a restaurant, fancy or otherwise, if you want him to

• most of the time theyre diners or small businesses

• peter knows what having a panic attack is like so he for sure will help you out and have techniques and methods for you to try when you’re having one yourself

• this is inspired by @underoospeterparker wonderful period comfort fic that i requested and its that he will literally take care of Everything

• he’ll put a pad in your underwear for you so it’s all ready to go when you need it

• he’ll warm up a heating pad as soon as you ask

• buys you your favorite snacks and some extra pads or tampons (or whatever you use) when you start your period

• peter is like a human furnace so you like to lay on top of him like he’s a living heating pad for your tummy — he enjoys it very much

• he drives you to your therapy appointments and waits in the car until youre done

• he never asks what you talk about in therapy but you usually tell him anyway

• there arent really any secrets between the two of you

• there might have been some things neither of you wanted to talk about at first but eventually you both share them with one another

• peter is actually really funny and always tries to make you laugh

• playing against you is the only time he feels like he’s good at basketball 😭

• “you’re the one who didnt get into the nba!”

• “at least im tall enough to qualify!”

• he pokes fun at your short stature whenever he can

• peter is 6ft tall so he towers over you

• as hot as he thinks you look when you’re wearing his clothes he also finds it hilarious because theyre so long on you

• shirts? they reach your knees

• pants? always have to be rolled up at your hip otherwise you’ll step on the fabric at the bottom and trip yourself (you did this once and peter was very concerned but also couldnt stop laughing)

• he doesnt look after himself the way you think he should, so you’re always paying attention and making sure he’s eating/hydrating when he needs to and getting enough sleep

• i feel like one year for halloween you make him dress like spiderman because they have the same name and you dress as mary jane and do the iconic upside down spiderman kiss

• you’ve basically christened every single room in his apartment

• he might not like every single hobby you have or everything you have an interest in but he’ll always participate if you ask and you do the same for him

• you own skin safe markers and sometimes when you get bored you like to color in his tattoos. he actually really enjoys it and finds it relaxing

• speaking of tattoos

• when he realizes that you’re the one for him and that he wants to be with you for the rest of his life, he gets a tattoo of your initials on his arm

• when you find out about the tattoo you immediately book an appointment for yourself so you can get his initials tattooed on your hip or maybe your wrist

• when he sees it for the first time he thinks its so sexy that you have his initials permanently on your skin that he makes you orgasm like 5 times

• he knows you love homemade personal care products (soap, bath bombs, things like that) and will buy them for you all the time

• you always call him on your way home from work or whatever it is your doing that day and if you’re stressed he’ll set up a relaxing bath for you for when you get home

• and he goes all out

• he goes through your stash of products and even has new ones ready to add to your collection, a nice lavender bath bomb, some rose petals, ect

• he sets up a speaker to play relaxing music and even puts a small table next to the tub thats got some of your favorite snacks on it along with a bottle of water

• he loves to cuddle

• he is literally so needy when it comes to you and just wants any kind of affection he can get from you

[gandalfsbignaturals]

That post about tme/tma was pretty funny to read as I have as a trans man experienced trans misogyny multiple times. I have a man’s name and dress in men’s clothes and multiple times people have thought I am a trans woman who I guess is mid social transition or smth? Idk man its weird. I think its valuable to talk about different experiences with transphobia within the trans/lgbt community and outside of it but i guess its easy to forget how varied the trans experience can be. Also why is there no term for the transphobia fuelled misogyny trans men face? As a trans man i feel like i can’t escape misogyny even from people who accent me as a man. Misogyny is also often the first punishment and slap in the face against me by transphobes. They rarely say anything about me being trans but just talking sexist shit?

see, thats another thing about transmisogyny that i think a lot of people forget. its not separate from misogyny and transphobia, it is the intersection of those two. so, if someone is both transphobic and misogynist, anybody who they think looks trans and they think looks like a woman is a potential target.

this actually includes, like, a lot of trans men, because 99% of these bigots dont actually care to learn a single thing about trans people. they often literally do not know enough about trans-ness to tell the difference between a trans man and a trans woman. they see someone who looks like theyre doing gender wrong, and they floor it, and anyone who doesnt conform enough can be caught in the crossfire.

additionally, trans men dont get to opt out of misogyny when they start transitioning. many trans men struggle to pass as men, because gender is a tricky thing. and if you dont pass as a man, or if you dont have your legal name changed, or if you dont have your gender marker changed, then anybody could still decide that youre a woman and treat you accordingly. trans men experience misogyny just as much as trans women do, and because they are also trans, they often fall victim to the same structures that cause transmisogyny.

trans men have actually tried a few times to coin words to describe these unique intersectional experiences, similar to the reason transmisogyny was coined, but everytime they have faced pushback from the community, and especially from trans women. transmisandry and transandrophobia are both words that trans men have tried to coin to describe their experiences, and theyve been so thoroughly ridiculed for it that ive seen trans women go around calling people "transandrophobia truthers." these words that trans men have tried to define for themselves have become jokes in the mouths of those who should be their allies.

this is another reason why i am so against tme/tma as labels. if we exclude trans men from being able to be victims of transmisogyny, but we also deny them the words they need to talk about their own unique intersectional experiences of oppression, then we are essentially saying we dont care about those experiences. we are silencing them the same way we have been silenced for years.

thats why im so gungho about trans unity. yes, our experiences are different, but the structures and the people oppressing us are the same. we are not enemies, and if we paint each other as enemies, if we try to silence each other, if we continue to squabble amongst ourselves and focus on what divides us instead of what brings us together...

we are doing the fascists' work for them, and our communities will crumble to dust.

i dont want to live in a world where im enemies with my trans masc brothers. i dont want to live in a world where finding common ground between us is seen as wrong. we have to stick together if we want to survive, but moreover, we have to stick together if we want to thrive. trans men, trans women, and every other flavor of trans people under the sun all enrich the queer experience. it is a beautiful, profound thing to reject ones nature and find belonging with the othered. to sully that beauty with the blood of our allies is to invite the end.

[angstics]

i cant get over how active the narrator is in the chorus of prison. i cant read it as sexual assault! “well i cant and i dont know / how we’re just two men as god had made us / well i cant well i can” he isnt denying the advance itself, but the nature of it. “cant” isnt “i dont want to” or a demand. there is the case of how the narrator is portrayed as feminine and, as passive denial is the 1st “safe” way women try to reject men, this is a man who doesnt have the Strong Masculinity to deny assault — but he isnt a woman. in the context of homosexuality and religion, as tied by these lines, “cant” means “ive been told i cant”. his final consent (“i can”) is a marker of how this isnt unwanted — both as an advance and a homosexual advance.

the next line: “too much too late or just not enough of this”. talked about before, the first half is a play on “too little too late”. while the original is about a delayed apology, the “more” makes it a .. delayed action. with the “not enough of this”, it sounds to me like the narrator is getting something he Wants A Lot too late. it’s not enough!

final chorus line: “pain in my heart for your dying wish / i kiss your lips again”. it’s shockingly tender. my heart, dying wish, kiss your lips, again — all romantic language. uncharacteristic of rape, especially men assaulting men. the narrator is an Active Participant in this encounter. HE is doing the kissing, HE chooses to do it again. i cant disconnect this line from the rest of the chorus and go “ohhhh he’s actually talking about his Dead Girlfriend” … who has no presence in the song (this is another topic but i am SO unconvinced of readings that take three cheers as an actual story .. theyre just songs with similar imagery / themes. black parade is similar but way more thoughtfully structured).

i dont get it when prison is characterized as the prison rape song! along with the theme of solidarity and the complex commentary on emasculation, it’s about a ton of shit — including genuine gay sexuality. this is my chemical fucking romance not south park

[hopeless-eccentric]

ok so now i actually have the energy to address this! let’s talk about boromir

i think my biggest issue with the way boromir gets characterized is that you see a lot of 1) prideful, near-spoiled cautionary tale characterization or 2) least “moral” member of the fellowship characterization, and i really just dont see either of them. if anything, i find him to be a very moving character with complex motivations that unfortunately get missed a lot because theyre not incredibly blatant and a bit hidden in the appendices

so boromir was raised to be an heir of what we know denethor sees as their kingdom, and faramir even mentions a young boromir asking why the stewards weren’t just considered kings after 1000ish years. a lot of what comes off as “pride” isnt just this guy being a dick, it’s directly what he’s been raised to think. he’s spent years learning how to be a good leader of a country he sees no reason not to lead. i wont deny he’s a proud character, but his reaction makes sense from someone raised to see this country as his responsibility. he’s not just gonna leave it the hands of some guy

to dig into that more, we know from the appendices that as a kid, boromir was his brother’s “protector” (the placement of this passage suggests that this may have been from their father, though it’s possible that faramir was just an incredibly bullyable child), but assuming either, he’s spent most of his life singlehandedly keeping what he loves safe. for faramir, he wouldve been his only supportive family after the death of his mother, and with the whole “best man in gondor” title going on, it doesnt seem like he’s in a place to get a whole lot of support or help when he needs it. im not saying boromir’s got older sister syndrome, but--

another thing along that line that pisses me off. especially when two children are close, favoritism towards one kid and maltreatment of another is going to fuck BOTH of them up. for one thing, if one child is constantly praised for successes and the other is constantly berated for failures, how supported or able to ask for help do you think kid A is gonna be? that is not a way to raise a kid if you want them to be able to handle pressure or failure normally 

as for the ring, this is a guy who’s got the weight of a nation on his shoulders. if this is the weapon that could singlehandedly save his home and his people and he just passes up on it? if the world ends and he couldve stopped it? that’s horrifying, on top of the fact that boromir’s probably got some nasty ingrained issues with failure from his childhood

and what REALLY gets me is the attitude that boromir was somehow “more evil” than the other party members for being taken over by the ring. resisting the ring is treated as one of the best markers of heroism throughout the text (galadriel, gandalf, faramir, etc), and boromir cant pull it off immediately, but he DOES IT. even in his last words, he tells aragorn he failed, but aragorn replies “no, you have conquered.” he’s talking about the ring man! boromir’s not necessarily naturally the most susceptible to the ring, he’s just more psychologically worn down than the other party members and the least supported. but he MAKES IT. he doesnt get gollumed, he doesnt waste away, he doesnt lose himself. he dies as boromir, as he was in life, protecting the people he cares about

and what really breaks my heart is that in the silmarillion, there’s an insinuation that because humans fear the Valar but love the ocean, most “miracles” are done through water. when faramir talks about finding boromir’s body, frodo points out that it wouldve taken a miracle to get him over the waterfalls safely, but faramir says it couldnt have been a dream because it left his shoes wet. so putting two and two together, the Valar step in to perform a rare miracle to bring boromir home

so at the end of the day, boromir was a man, and he was so much more than proud, and so often, his “proudest” decisions are motivated by fear. he wasnt the least good of the Fellowship, just the most troubled and the least supported. he was a protector, a man of his people, and a hero

anyway next time someone reduces him to just the “least moral member of the Fellowship” im gonna blow a gasket

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi! its incredible/intrusive tjoughts anon. honestly its nothing serious i just want advice lol.

so basically i identify as pan(tomantic) and non binary (transmasc).

basically i have this cousin who im REALLY close eith since shes the only family close to my age (we have a year differencs)

basically i do live in a very homophobic place, as i think ive said before but i think that she might be queer (bi specifically)

and here are my proofs:

1) the subtle one being, when its just the both if us watching something all she points out is how beautiful/amazing/gorgeous wtc the women look. nothing abt the guys. (not that im complaining cz women serious do slay)

i know that she also likes men because i remember watching this scene with her and one other cousin where the guy (wesrung a ehite) shirt fell into the water and was coming out (of the water).

me, personally, i was disgusted and i thiught my cousins would share the same opinions. nope. they rewatched the scene twice i think, their eyes were glued onto the screen ans they were both red.

2) the second one being, as ive mentioned before, i am a religious person qnd so is she. but we have this tradition where we go onto the roof and just talk about stuff we normally would never talk about. we basically kid of vent to each other too.

and there we've talked alot about queer people, and being a religious queer person and its clear that our views on the topic are very similar.

(i never bring up queer people bcz im scared of giving myself up, and usually people do not go around asking others abt their opinion on them. and yeah i feel like she was relieved when i explaijed that the last thing i wanted was for them to die)

niw into the veey obvious tells:

3) my cousin and i were bored so i took out markers and we decided to draw on my leg (dont ask me how we decided that that was the best thing to do.) but basically out if everything she couldve drawn, she drew the rainbkw but as a bi flag.

i saw it and when i pointed it out, she kind of looked panicked? so i just left it.

4) this one is like glaringly obvious tell. basically obv everyone knows, the tt algorithm works overtime and honestly i rarely get anything im not interested in.

so me, obv i have short hair, and when im sleeping/when im alone with other women you could easily tell that wtv is happening is not straight cis shit.

but basically i was changing so i just shed off my outer layer, underneath i was wearing this like sleeveless sweater and i had tracksuit bottoms underneath. my hair was oulled back in a half bun.

tell me why she says oh you look like thise masc lesbians in my tiktok fyp.

like FIRSTLY what are the masc lesbians doing on ur feed?? how have you watched them eniugh to know the specific terms??

basically idk if im maybe reading inti this but sometimes i genuinely feel like im going mad and i want to kind of come out ti someone irl cz i litr need someoen to see me, and recognize my efforts.

so. i just need advice, cz she knows quite alit if the terms as well, and ive noticed that homophobic people usually do not. (e.g. my brother does not know anthign other than gay and lesbian and queer cz he likes to throw them out as insukts)

but she does know, not all, but quite a few. (i only know nearky all cz for a while my obsession, idk what people call thus but basically i become obsessed with a tooic, research alot about it and then just leave it?. was like all the different types of labels and which umbrellas they fall under. so ive done alot of research on this matter which actually freaks alot of people out)

ive just realised i actually ramble alot so thankyou for making it this far lol

(also i just got hiccups wriitng this and theyre OISSING ME KFF)

Hi!

I feel like it's a pretty good assumption that your cousin is open-minded. I think it might be a good idea, next time you guys are having a rooftop conversation, to bring up queer people you know. Celebrities, mutual friends, etc. Ask her how she feels about those people. If she's cool with it, that's a good signal that you can come out.

Also think about- if you've told her other secrets, has she told other people? If not, then you can trust her with something like this.

As far as your cousin's sexuality- I'm not sure if you're reading into it. But remember, even if you come out to her, she might not return the gesture even if she IS queer. She might not be ready, and that's okay! Just continue to be a safe space for her no matter who she likes.

[actualbird]

Before the actual ask, i have a suggestion: maybe add some general non-tot asks/req rules? bc i'm writing this rn like "this may be uncomfortable but i don't want to make you uncomfortable but i don't know if it will make you uncomfortable but-" 😭😭😭

now um, my ask:

i'm currently getting struck by gender dysphoria at very random moments and i don't like it. thing is, i don't know what my gender might be since it goes both ways and I was wondering, if you wouldn't mind sharing: how did you figure out you're trans?

hi anon!!! lemme go thru this one by one but first, i wanna preface everything with: dont worry, none of this makes me uncomfortable and you said nothing wrong. theres nothing here that cause for panic on ur end, it's alright, ur alright :D

okay so

on general non-tot asks/req rules:

i do have these rules!! theyre just not as Many as my tot-specific ones, but on my rules page u'll find these in the 2nd section :D

theyre like, reaaaaally general but the overall rule for all other asks is basically "be nice, i cant read tone well, and dont spam" so no worries, ur all good. i dont wanna make these rules any more specific because everything else seems like a case to case basis yknow

and now to the bulk of my answer

on trans stuff:

short answer on how i found out i was trans: it made me happy. god, it made me so happy and it makes me happy to this day.

long answer: come with me, anon, through my gender journey through the years....JKSDHVFKJSDHVKFSD

ok so for the longest time i knew i wasnt completely woman aligned in the gender department. like, from ages 14-20 i had identified as a bunch of different genders. first i identified as bigender, then i backpedaled and went back to just having "she/her" in my bio because i had a Moment Of Panic wondering "no no the Genders are for people who Really Truly Identify (whatever that means) and i shouldnt co-opt these terms because im not even sure what i am!! im not allowed to identify as bigender until i really figure it out!!*", and then for a while i identified as nonbinary, and then the pandemic happened which i think hilariously due to the lockdowns had the cool side effect of many people figuring out Personal Things and at some point in 2021 i was like ".....hey im a guy, actually. it makes me happy to be a guy"

*sidenote 1: this "but am i allowed to?" worry is a common thing i see a lot from other people also going through their journey of questioning their gender, and i wanna talk about it specifically later on in this response, but bACK ON TOPIC FIRST---

sidenote 2: yes, like a pokemon trainer, i have collected the three starter pronouns. she, they, and he. KJHAVFLASVFALSJK

backtracking through the other genders i had identified as, i'd chosen them all at the time for similar reasons: joy. i identified as bigender because i felt recognized for the first time, an identity where i could be both feminine and masculine. i identified as nonbinary because i adored the comfort of that freedom and that fluidity. i identify as a trans guy now because i realized that i can find joy in being a guy and still enjoy expression of "non-guy" things because guys who like pink and frilly fashion and plushies is still a valid and real type of guy, it's the type of guy i am. and these are more on the positive markers of gender expression, the opposite of gender dysphoria: gender euphoria, the happiness when gender stuff feels just right

btw, you are indeed using the term gender dysphoria correctly. that simply pertains to any kind of distress or upsetness due to gender things Not feeling right. within that definition, theres no requirement for you Already Having To Identify to use it, because otherwise thatd mean anybody who found out they were trans only after experiencing gender dysphoria was using it incorrectly, which seems rather silly. and even if the definition Did have that requirement.......who cares? JKHDFVSKDJHFVKSD i mean that in the most genuine and sincere way ever, because so long as it is harming nobody, who cares what word you use? sure, a Bunch of people care actually, and a bunch of people will pitch a fit policing on being allowed to use certain gender words and whatnot. but in general ive taken to trying to remember that like.....gender stuff is a Personal thing. it is the business of the Person Themselves, as it is our identity. it is up to us to define it, to explore it, to make our own choices on it. and well....generally, people who think your expression is any of their business is, at best, nosy, or at worse, a bigot.

i went on a tangent there sorry VSDFLJBFL, but my point is dont worry, youre using the term right. if youre feeling Not Good because something about The Genders doesnt fit, yeah thats dysphoria. and im so so sorry youre experiencing this, because it sucks

i said before that my main marker for realizing gender stuffs was the presence of a positive emotion, instead of the presence of a negative one. but i also experienced gender dysphoria, it just wasnt as big of a thing in my own journey. for me, it was less of a wrongness and more of a vague...discomfort. like wearing shoes that dont fit. it's fine some days but other days i couldnt stand it but my legs still work and i was much more focused on the times i Did find figurative shoes that fit immensely well.

.....oh something i think that wld be important for me to mention is that i kinda....somehow always knew i was of Another Gender. but i kept hesitating and kept backtracking because, kinda like what you say, it went both ways for me

im a guy. but i also really liked things that are traditionally seen as feminine, i still do. ive got a closet full of lolita fashion dresses, mixed in with the ridiculous amounts of plaid shirts ive got. throughout my life, i was never really regarded as masculine by other people, more often i was seen by others as some kind of manic pixie androgynous being. and these things, they made me hesitate. how can i be a guy if so much of who i am is seen by others as Not-Guy stuff?

well, eventually it's cuz i figured that what others think should have nothing to do with who i am and who i choose to be. relating back to what i said about Genders being a personal thing yknow. why was i so worried about what other people thought of a thing that only concerned me?

yknow one of the most gender affirming experiences ive ever had in my life was back was i was in college. i was just going out and about for a group work thing, and the classmates along with me were rowdy manly cisguys and i was feeling low and it showed, i was all meek and sad and shit. and then this lady came up to me, and i didnt get to know if she was a transwoman or a femme presenting gay man, but she sat with me and chatted with me and eventually she asked

(this convo happened in filipino but roughly translated it went)

her: do you want to be a boy?

me: yes (i answered so instinctively. at the time, i was identifying as nonbinary, but she asked a question and i gave my honest answer. yes. yes i did.)

her: well, youre very handsome! youre more handsome than any of them //gestures at the cisguy classmates

and that stucks with me to this day. another queer person asking Me what I Wanted, and affirming that. didnt matter that i looked like how i looked, that i obviously wasnt as objectively or normatively masculine as the cismen around us. what mattered was what i wanted, and i was handsome for it, and that was that.

after that we just talked about pop music, but i felt so good the rest of the day

now...on the unwritten question here of "how do you (as in, anon, or any other reader out there) know you're trans (or any kind of other gender designation)?" or if you already know you are some other gender, how do you figure it out? who do you ask?:

im sorry for how cheesy or seemingly unhelpful what im going to say next is, but i cannot stress how crucial it is: the only person who can ever answer these is You. ask yourself what makes you happy, what would alleviate your discomfort, what would cause comfort, what youre drawn to, etc.

but if i can give any unsolicited advice on that....itd be to make sure that the person youre asking, the person who is giving the answer, is really You. not the thoughts or opinions of other people, not the rules of what is considered 'norm', not the fears or the worries circling around the question, dont ask those things dont find the answer in those things. the person to give the answers is You.

and btw!! You can change sometimes. and sometimes your answer can change too, and thats okay if ever that happens. all my prior answers to this question changed in through life, and it doesnt mean any of my prior answers were wrong (sans the time i backpedaled, because then i wasnt getting the answer from Me, i was getting the answer from Worries). it just meant that those were the answers for Me when i was at that stage of my life.

tldr: i figured out i was trans because it made me so damn happy to be and also because i stopped giving a shit about what other people thought

i hope this response makes sense and that theres something in here that can help you out. im wishing you the best, anon <3

[steelycunt]

ridi ridi hiiii !!! how are youuu how was yr dayyy i started mine off by rereading yr otiofad ficc did you know every sentence in it is a masterpiece did you know every word is like worthy of an auditoriumesque applause now yk i wanted to ask you to talk about that particular bit tho (if you wouldn't mind ofc !!) where sirius slams the book shut on an insect bc it's sooo like it's sooo !! it reads like premonition and also like r can't help but be wary of s and s can't help but be just like capable of harm regardless of intention & carelessly and i think it's sooo genius I think yr soooo genius for that and if you have more to say abt what that bit meant to youu + process of writing it + foreshadowing you wanted to get across w it etc. etc. i would be vv interested to hear <333 mwah love you loads xx

hello my lovely omg!!! my day was GOOD actually surprisingly good i am recovering from my illnesses and i played badminton and ate tangerines it was a very content day!! how was yours!! also warning you now in advance i wrote way too long a reply to this. like WAY too long NOBODY needed this im so sorry!! the very final paragraph provides like a little tl;dr you DO NOT need to read the essay that is under the cut!! im so sorry!!

okay firstly the idea that someone would not only read one of my little stories but read it more than once?? crazy actually!! insane!! so glad that it could be a part of ur morning n i would love to talk abt it!! hang on opening it in a new tab rn let me remember what it was i actually wrote huh lol

firstly with the flashback scenes in otiofad in general they had to serve two different purposes. they obviously needed to show the intense love and intimacy between the boys prior to The Incident, in order to juxtapose the post-prank scenes and serve as a marker for measuring the size of the rift in their relationship that its caused (which is why theres lots of kissing and cuddling and cloying monologues in the flashback scenes), but at the same time they had to demonstrate the little parts of their relationship which are a little bit fucked! a little bit unhealthy and obsessive. and they had to portray sirius as a person who has the capacity to do what he ends up doing. i didnt want to accidentally work against myself by over-idealizing their relationship to the point where it became difficult to believe sirius could be so thoughtless as to do what he does. like if ive just made you read fifteen hundred words of him being the Best Boyfriend Ever and then switch to him begging forgiveness for an attempted murder, his character becomes a little disjointed, and i really wanted it to feel like you're consistently reading the same people, just in very different circumstances. so the flashbacks very much needed to stress their intensity rather than their health as a couple.

im definitely roaming beyond the parameters of your question (but i promise it all circles back xx) but some of the sort of. i dont want to say red flag as much as cause for concern moments that i tried to include especially in the flashbacks include for instance: [Sirius says that sort of thing often, and with a confidence that Remus cannot ever fathom. Good god, how he would like to ask Sirius, them or me, that or me, and never fear the answer.] in the first scene, because i think remus' low self-esteem and his insecurity definitely affects their relationship + how he perceives it, which isn't anyone's fault as much as it is just them being young and imperfect like. theyre like sixteen here nobody had it together when they were sixteen right :-/ you have sirius utterly utterly obsessed with being in love with remus declaring that he doesnt want anything else from life and he's. sixteen years old. he's got no idea. like its that sort of rashness and impulsivity when he's speaking and acting which ends up fucking him over :-/

TO GET BACK to the bit you actually asked about (im so sorry for how long this is <3) the part where he closes the book on the spider. i mean honestly ur interpretation in the ask is pretty spot on!! its another one of the little stitches in the flashback scenes that sort of...slightly changes/sobers/brings the tone back down the reality a little, after theyve spent most of the scene cuddling and kissing etc. i'd already sort of tried (and i want to emphasise try at every point in this answer sfdghsh because i am not necessarily claiming that any of this was necessarily successful lol) to show sirius' capacity for being rash and obsessive, and the spider moment was just this tiny act of unnecessary, arguably cruel? violence that was meant to be jarring against the very over-sweet and gentle affection he's just shown remus. and although theyre acts of violence on such different scales, he gives just as much thought to sending snape to the willow as he does to squashing the spider. one of the things about sirius that i love soooo much is his relationship with violence and the way his anger translates into violence and cruelty (which remus mentions in the final scene when he says “You’ve got to stop being the kind of person who hurts people when they’re angry.”). its why hes SO fun to write angry because his anger is so distinctive lol. so the spider moment is just meant to serve as a little reminder of this random, mindless aggression that sirius carries around with him and that exists in tandem with all the affection we've seen him show remus, who starts in surprise when sirius slams the book shut. (i'll let u in on a super little fun (or not) fact that in my head when i was writing it i always drew a little parallel between the twitching insect leg thats left on the page and the similarly uncomfortable sensation of the eyelash that remus feels scratching his own eye immediately afterwards. thats not necessarily meant to come across n i expect it doesnt because i didnt develope the idea...at all...but in my head they were always a little linked teehee like even sirius' smallest acts of violence still have an effect on remus somehow xx)

but yeah!! apologies i didnt think this would be such a long explanation for a simple question fbhsdfhs im very embarrassed by this but like!! in short the spider was another little jarring moment designed to tether the version of sirius you get in the flashback to the version you get in the post-prank scenes, because ultimately he's the same guy with the same flaws both before and after the prank!! there was no reason for him to kill the spider like that and thats why hes so fucked. it was just his instinctive response to seeing it there.

[expfcultragreen]

[Ambling rhetorical tone....not your white ex arguing with you tone...old man sucking on grass tone...get the jeff bridges in big lebowski AI v.o. dialed in]

A dude died doing a sun dance recently, some older dudes kept yelling at him that if a native dude didnt finish they couldnt do it again for 8 years, that the tradition was riding on him etc.

His widow says, it must be that he died because someone there had their period "which is unlucky". Sure. In my culture, its amazing luck to get it or be having it 🤷

Is it unlucky because the tradition since colonization is to implicitly harass women about how they should be pregnant instead, by acting like periods are evil magic that shouldnt be happening/present and that is deeply unwanted and suspicious? How many nonnative guys was he being made to compete against btw, in this sacred ceremony?

How rude of me

Like, is the widow going to spend the rest of her life hating the period-haver for this because the old guys who are actually responsible have been telling you your whole life that periods are bad

Btw do you have to do a time out when you get yours? Really drives the point home that if you were just pregnant right now youd be with friends and family like usual

Is that how it was known who was having their period? Having to isolate means everyone knows your ovulation cycle too, anyone can track it

The culture i was raised in, as many have noted, is the opposite of this: my theory is that its paramount that unwanted suitors be anaware of your ovulation timing so the move is to never let on when youre having your period, no matter how much discomfort youre in, so that your fertility optimums cant be tracked by others

Which is a different kind of stigmatization, but, theyre still lucky to get and have, it means an unwanted suitor didnt get you, it means the future is wide open like you could even have a bunch of kids because youre young and healthy* (if you were neither you wouldnt be having it; *this is exclusive of people who stop having it for medical reasons because it sucked so bad somehow, eg going on t and/or getting a hysterectomy, which, remember that missing ut' book cover about antitrans whatever? ive never known a trans guy who did the yeet but ive known a cisish gal who did and it was because for her periods werent a marker of health and sucked haywire-bad but also its worth noting that she was raised catholic which is not my own culture so i cant really speak to that....she says in catholicism periods are a punishment from god for what eve did or smthn 🙄 sounds like more incentivization for pregnancy, to escape gods monthly wrath reminder or whatever)

So like basically she'd rather beef some random person for a mystified bodily function, than the dudes reportedly insisting that her partner not stop participating, bummer....its just 8 years, he's dead

Why is it my place to see a news item if its not my place to comment? Like why was this public information, why do i know someone there was reportedly having their period, thats pretty fine grain stuff isnt it?

Im familiar with the norm that people are expected to not comment regardless, but, i dont share it, and here i am on my own blog and not the comment section of any piece about it or the inboxes of anyone involved

Some advice from season 18 episode 4 of americas next top model: if youre trying to relate to people you cant talk down to them; people have very contrasting ideas of what condescension is like/looks like/feels like....kid gloves vs courtliness

It would simply be more polite to not comment, i suppose? But these ARE my thoughts, and i find it condescending when people politely refuse to comment

[radios-universe]

As someone your age who went through the same things you did, but earlier (shitty high school in eastern europe... ah the less say the better) you really just need to find friends that have a similar attitude as you towards sex and drinking. In the age group where people are just starting to drink so they're going wild, and theyre all talking about sex because they just started having it and want to share, find people who dont drink, or drink very moderately, like one beer in an evening. And people who are private about sex or also not having it. (Usually goes with people who don't drink lol) This might mean your friends won't be "cool" but that's not a marker of adulthood even if it feels that way sometimes.

absolutely!!! i do have friends, and while it’s not many, who are about the same as me… wellll i’m definitely more apprehensive to drinking than they are, but they agree that they can enjoy activities excluding alcohol just as much as ones which do, which.. i’ll take that!

also when it comes to sex, i still have friends ofc - and most of them, at that - who haven’t had sex… but i know they’re not ace and they know they’re not ace so we’re still on.. different wavelengths

like even though my friend is ace but has had sex, i can still relate to them more because of being aroace, even if that’s in different respects.

plus, in terms of that friend, they also have been drinking more often lately, and used to be more apprehensive like i am, but have shown to not really give a fuck about drinking regularly. i actually think if we were in each other’s presences for the rest of time, and i decided i was never gonna drink… they wouldn’t either.

maybe i can’t say that too confidently as i.. am not them, but i think they’ve made this idea clear enough to me. and i think that’s silly, but i really do appreciate them (though i don’t think they see it as much of a sacrifice)

[finelythreadedsky]

me, silently, while ill-advisedly reading askjumblr replies

[boopliette]

@deboracabral asked for cosette & grantaire being friends which i, Naturally, interpreted as they’re Billy Joel Buds and i stand by that

buy me a coffee and i’ll do you a doodle