#”you can talk!? I mean.. I've experienced weirder things so i guess..."

[a-watchful-eye-askblog]

O-oh h-hello what your name

"...sseug I os ,sgniht redriew decneirepxe ev'I ..naem I ?!klat nac uoy"

"?uoy teem ot eciN .onurB m'I"

"!dnah ym ni tif ylbaborp dluoc uoY ..ynit ytterp osla era uoy tub ,llat etiuq m'i esoppus I"

[thethingything]

I find it kind of interesting that we have a couple of delusions (and the hallucinations that come with those) that just kind of involve gruesome stuff happening to us, especially because they weren't as gruesome at first but have gotten more so over time.

the hallucinations are all somatic ones (sensations instead of visuals or audio) but they're stuff like I guess what our brain thinks it would feel like if our organs were decomposing, or being eaten by maggots, or just stuff with a similar vibe to that?

I can put up with it for the most part, but like I did nearly throw up on the bed because of it earlier and I'd really like to not experience that again

[ear-motif]

hi i saw a post u deleted and i would like to comment on it without saying too much and betraying ur choice to delete it (but if you'd like to not publish this anon, i will not be offended) ... however i want u to know it's completely 100% normal and okay. we live in a society and all things are progress (in case u needed to hear it). i've experienced that as well and i think about it like this: things around you that you experience are no more than the language of the world. you are learning a new language in which to express yourself. immersion (if possible) even in small and growing increments helps wildly. and, until you are comfortable enough to speak that language, stay silent. just listen and learn until you're ready. but if everyone around you is speaking a different language, you couldn't possibly be ready from the start! its very okay and while i respect and understand why you deleted, i did really enjoy the vulnerability. it was brave and true <3

YOU ARE SO SWEEEET THANK U SO MUCH ANON feel free to hop in my dm's any time.

So I had a post up for like 5 mins talking about struggling with internalized queerphobia and this is one of those days where the adderall hit well enough for me to perceive myself so here's some detail on that

So I've identified as a more-or-less-binary trans man for ~4 years now. I've been closeted to a majority of people that whole time, as I was busy with school, my family is/was unsupportive, and my mental health has been too shit for me to deal with transitioning on top of everything else.

But because I've waited so long I'm thinking...well am I really trans? And the long and short of it is; I don't really care anymore if I'm "technically" trans or not. But if I'm not a trans man, then the easiest way to communicate my identity would be butch and/or nonbinary (which, I know nb is still trans but its different than man so idk).

But I've aaalways been super uncomfortable being thought of as a lesbian. One reason, which is the easy one, is because it's simply not true. I'm bi/pan and I'm attracted to men. That's a solid part of my identity and I don't see that changing any time soon.

But hating being seen as nonbinary and/or butch (if we assume butches can be non-lesbians, idk what the community consensus is on that tbh) is a little...weirder. I shouldn't be so angry and worried about being perceived as a lesbian, lesbians are awesome. At first I thought well it's because I hate being seen as a woman, duh. But like...a lot of lesbians, especially butches, don't like being referred to as women either. So that felt like a cop-out.

And basically what I've realized is that this fucking pattern I've had of being extremely competitive over the stupidest shit is rearing its ugly head again. I was (I guess still am) threatened by butches being more effortlessly masculine and even male-passing than I will ever be. And I thought of it as a diss or a put down, like if I even tried to be butch, I wouldn't be masc enough and I wouldn't be welcome. Or that butches very existence was proof that I'll never be masculine enough to justify transitioning to male, I can't even fit in with masc women for christsakes. So I think I sublimated this insecurity into envy that spiralled into contempt and othering. Never intentionally or outwardly...but it doesn't feel good knowing in your own mind that you are prejudiced against a marginalized group.

And I deleted the post kinda because I was like fuck if I'm not a lesbian or butch this isn't internalized anything this is just lesbophobia. and that's not something to make a cute lil post about, thats something to be genuinely ashamed of and to work on in private. but also. just cause it's internalized doesn't mean its not bad so.

and then I kinda just realized that 99% of butches are not gonna give one tenth of a shit how masc I am or if I'm "really butch" and I am literally the only one who cares so much about this shit. I've spent my entire life shadowboxing with everyone and it's gotten me fucking nowhere. and that helped! i dont feel this mysterious resentment when i think about butch lesbians as a group anymore.

so i am gonna take your advise and just listen and learn. I wanna try to read stone butch blues again. I stopped because I got horribly insecure about how I actually enjoy bottoming and that must mean I'm not masculine enough to even be butch, let alone a man...and that's not the point of the book at all i was/am just too self-absorbed to understand another person's worldview

and there's always gonna be the shame about how in the end. this whole envy thing is self-obsession. and that doesnt feel good at all. i claim to want to help others but really im so fucking obsessed with myself that i make my own problems. most days i know that and all i can do with that info is succumb to the depression. and be more self-obsessed. because despite being competitive i suck shit at actually being productive lol. but some days, like today, the meds will hit just right and ill be able to make some kind of progress.

so idk. sorry im yappin nobody has to read this but anyways anon i love you to death. it means a lot that u like my vulnerability, i consider it one of my worst traits. i try hard not to let it out irl so it gets shat out online. love u mwah bye

[floral-poisons]

Can I get HC reactions of jade, floyd, riddle and rook with a MC who says unhinged/weird stuff? Ex: "this song reminds me how I got adducted by a bear once", "I love going to the river as a kid, later I found out it was radioactive." Or "I love this food reminds me of my aunt's pet chicken"

hi anon! of course you may!! this was definitely a fun request to do. another anon also asked for something really similar to this but also wanted to include malleus and azul. so i've added them in this post!

MALLEUS DRACONIA

malleus is used to hearing weird stuff. weird stuff happens all. the. time. he’s lived for quite some time now. so when he hears you talk about a weird experience, he’s not entirely phased. he just asks you to tell the story. simple really.

“this song reminds me of that one time a bear abducted me.” you were busy rubbing your chin in contemplation.

“that happens a lot.” malleus notes.

“you’re not weirded out?”

“no. on the contrary, i’m more intrigued. go one with your story.”

RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

riddle has a limited world view and limited experiences. blame his mother honestly, keeping him locked up inside and forcing him to study. it came at the price of not having any funny experiences. so he completely freaks out when you casually bring up something weird that happened to you.

“this brings me back to the time my aunt’s chicken almost killed me.” you mused.

“how can a chicken kill you? you’re much bigger than a chicken! and you’re alive at least...” riddle starts off. “unless...unless you’re a ghost! and you’re somehow here! but does that makes this the afterlife? AM I DEAD? did i die during my overblot?!”

“whoa, whoa. riddle, calm down. it’s a hyperbole i swear.” you responded nervously. “you’re alive.”

“but how do i know that? how do i know that i even exist?”

“riddle you exist.” you try to reassure.

except he proceeded to have an existential crisis right in front of you. honestly though? entirely relatable.

ROOK HUNT

rook, much like malleus, isn’t phased. he’s definitely experienced weirder things before and heard even weirder things than that. reality is always more intense than fiction.

“this class reminds me of the one time some kid at my summer camp killed a bird and it happened to be the last one of its species so it went extinct.” you were looking up at the sky.

everyone in your group was looking at you weirdly. “my, my. they must’ve been talented then.” rook lets the arrow fly, hitting the bullseye.

“yeah. you remind me of him too.”

“well, i have a respect for nature. i wouldn’t kill off a species.”

AZUL ASHENGROTTO

weird is azul’s specialty. there’s a guarantee that there’s a ton of weird requests he’s gotten. weird backstories. but you...take the cake.

“that guy reminds me of the clown dude who chased me down the street with a knife.” you muse casually.

azul spat out his tea. “and you’re alive?!” he had magic so it would be easy for him to avoid dying. you on the other hand? your magicless butt? not likely.

“i watched horror movies. and i did track in my school too. so i’m in great shape.” you smile. “his knife was a prop knife it turned out. it turned out to be a lame prank. he ran out of breath.”

“you must’ve had quite the life before coming here.” he mutters as he takes another sip of his tea.

JADE LEECH

jade is more so confused than shocked. he just needs to know if you’re talking about something metaphorically, if you’re exaggerating, or if you’re completely serious. he’s from the coral sea so what happens on land is something he’s unfamiliar with.

“this drink reminds me of that peaflower recipe my ex made that turned out to contain an octopus leg in it.”

“do...do land mammals do that?” jade raised a brow, his face showing confusion.

“i mean...i guess?” you shrug as you sip the drink.

“you’re serious right?”

“yeah i am.”

“but why would you put meat in a drink? that makes no sense!”

FLOYD LEECH

morbid curiosity. that is what floyd represents. he wants to know all the little, nitty gritty details about your story. and he’s going to get it out of you one way or another.

“shrimp! you need to tell me all about that story!” he chimes.

“which one? the one about how i woke up to the slaughtering of lambs on my uncle’s farm?”

“exactly! tell me all about it.”

“i’d rather not.” you close your book. “it’s exactly as it sounds.”

“did you see the slaughtering?”

“floyd, i was 5.”

[yoonminist]

jimin stan Here, no i don't feel that way at all. granted i'm unique in that i’m lwky a hardcore Top, but even then. ig bc i literally have no clue where ppl get the whole one-dimensional crybaby jm fic stereotype from in application cause i've only read it in stuff that's not trying to be a story or a random stray thing i find that i can tell is written by a 12 yr old. ppl seem to equate jm being sweet or soft with him being weak or poorly written, which is so,,irritating. (1/3)

it's like ppl are scared of him being anything that implies sweetness or softness. which is incredibly bizarre, bc jm is very sweet and soft irl. but for some reason ppl take that statement to mean he is incapable of not being sweet or soft, which is even fucking weirder. when i say that i understand, fully, bc i’m not a genuine idiot, that he is not perpetually sweet and soft bc he’s, yk, a person. people aren’t just one way, as is basic knowledge if you know anything about people. (2/3)

and even stranger, it also seems to incite the thought that it’s an insult, like those things are signs of weakness or bad for him to be. but his sweetness & softness are two of his biggest strengths and two of the biggest reasons i (and yg cough) stan him. to not acknowledge them is to not acknowledge like. a whole half of his personality and what makes him so amazing and unique. (3/3)

ooh i don’t know anyone who feels that way lmao but i personally talk about it a lot because it’s,,,,,,, what i’ve experienced as a ym reader hhhhhh idk i’ve read and recommended soft jimin and feminine jimin and sub jimin and bottom jimin because i liked how they were written and i don’t have anything against them at all so i mean,, when we talk about it here it’s because all some people want is to read something that’s a character and not a trope i guess

[fire-fira]

hi this is a really random question but how did you first figure out that you weren't a guy or girl? I've been feeling a bit confused about my gender recently so do you have any... tips, I guess? idk

My case is one of the weirder ones I think, but I’ve had plenty of others tell me about their own experiences, so I’ll tell you about mine and then what I know of various others’ (because I think those others’ might be more helpful for you).

And since this is a long post I’m putting it all under the cut so I don’t bog down anyone’s dash.

Me:

So in my case some things to know are that I’m hyperlexic (which makes me freakishly gifted with language and writing systems) and that as a result I was WAY too smart as a kid, and the fact that I figured out I wasn’t a guy or a girl when I was four. Also, on my fourth birthday it was like someone threw the switch on my awareness: one moment I might as well have not consciously existed, and the next I did (like I said, weird).

On top of that, my family on my mom’s side (the side I grew up with) is predominantly women (to the point where for a large portion of my life there were only two guys– my grandpa and one of my cousins– to six women and girls and then me). Also, all of the women in my mom’s side of the family are women who are strong-willed, capable, and never really bought into the usual gender stereotypes, so I grew up in a social environment without a lot of gender-stereotyping.

So whenever I heard my family referring to me as ‘she’ and ‘her’ and it just felt wrong, I literally went through the thought process (at age four keep in mind) of ‘This doesn’t sound right. Why are they calling me that? They must think I’m a girl.’ And that led to a whole long round of questioning if I was a girl or if I was just a different type of girl than any of them, and even had me briefly thinking about and dismissing the idea that my ‘problem’ with being a girl might have been because of that ‘girls can’t do ____’ attitude that so many people/other kids had– with the end conclusion that whatever I was I was NOT a girl. So next logical question was ‘I’m not a girl, does that make me a boy?’ And when I looked at other people, my family, what I saw in books and on TV, all I felt was ‘Nope. I’m not that either.’

So fun thing for me, though I had the logical assumption that if I wasn’t a girl or a guy that that must mean there were others out there like me, at the same time since I didn’t see any examples of anyone non-binary I assumed that if I told anyone that everyone else would think I was ‘insane’ and have me committed to an asylum and that I would never be let out. (0 out of 10, would not recommend being in that head-space.) I didn’t tell anyone outright that I wasn’t a woman or man until literally my last day of high school– and then only to one person– and I didn’t start being more open about it until I really started doing research when I was about 23.

I don’t know how helpful my past is on that count, but there it is.

Others:

Some others I’ve talked to have had a sense their whole lives that something was off, and others didn’t even think about it because they assumed their discomfort was ‘normal’ and that everyone experienced it until they met someone who was visibly out and non-binary (in my experience usually me), and a lot of the time they didn’t know they even had an option to been seen as anything but their assigned gender until they saw it was possible. There is no right or wrong time to realize that you might be something other than the gender you were assigned at birth. The big thing is what it feels like internally.

Some people I’ve met are like me: they’ve known their whole lives (that they can remember), but when they didn’t see any recognition they tried to bury it– sometimes to the point of forcing themselves to temporarily believe for a long time that they were only the genders they were assigned at birth. Learning about non-binary genders, meeting someone who is non-binary and out, and doing some thorough self-questioning as to their sense of their own genders are all things that have helped them.

Others have felt mildly uncomfortable with how they’ve been referred to the majority of their lives (and the discomfort can vary in intensity), but since they were so rooted in their own lived experiences and gender is something that just doesn’t get coherently talked about a lot they just assumed that everyone experienced the same discomfort. I’ve heard at least two or three people admit that they had thought that ‘No woman likes being a woman,’ or ‘No man likes being a man’, ‘Every woman wants to be a man or something else, that’s normal’ or ‘Every man wants to be a woman or something else, that’s normal,’ until somehow it came up and they said something of the sort in conversation only to find out that others they talked to didn’t experience that at all. In other instances it has taken some people meeting and talking with someone non-binary and hearing them talk about their experiences in order for some things to click.

And then there are those who didn’t know it was an option. They had their feelings, they realized at various points in their lives that something didn’t feel right, but they figured no one would care (or that no one would accept it, or that others would just assume they were trying to be ‘special’, etc.) and so there was no point in pursuing it– until either they got fed up with lying or (again) they learned about non-binary genders or met someone who was non-binary and out.

So, some things to keep in mind:

All gender is, is your internal sense of being a woman, man, or something else– even when you strip away the concepts of femininity and masculinity. If something clicks and gives you the sense of ‘This is what I am,’ and it feels 100% right to you, then that’s what you are.

It’s possible to be a feminine man or a masculine woman.

It’s possible to have a feminine or masculine gender without being a woman or a man. (Juxera is a good example of a feminine gender. I can’t recall off the top of my head a term for an equivalent masculine gender.)

It is possible for your gender to change over time. There are loads of instances of people who started out as 100% one gender and over time their gender shifted to something else later in life for an extended span, and then after a time it shifted again. If that’s something you’ve experienced there’s nothing wrong with that.

It is possible for a person to have multiple genders going on at the same time. It’s also possible for a person to have multiple genders that fluidly shift depending on the day and situation. (I have one genderfluid friend who rotates between woman, man, and a non-binary gender with occasional sliding-scale gender-placements somewhere between two of the primary genders they has– woman/NB, NB/man, man/woman. In one really weird instance they had a day where they was equally woman and man simultaneously, when normally if two genders are going on at once then one of them will be more at the forefront– like 70% guy and 30% woman as one example.)

It’s possible for a person’s internal sense of gender to fluctuate in intensity. Some days a person’s sense of their gender might be at 100%, other days it might be at 0%, and at still other times it could be at 30%, 45%, 73%, etc.

It’s also possible for someone to have a stable sense of being some percentage of the gender they were assigned at birth and some percentage of another gender (in which case demigirl, demiboy, or demigender are appropriate terms).

It’s also possible to experience an absence of gender, because agender/lacking-any-gender is also a thing.

And it’s also possible to have a gender that essentially consists of ‘???? I have no damn clue what my gender is.’

Do some research, see if anything makes sense to you. Question yourself and go with what feels right. Trust your internal sense of who you are; because ultimately the only one who can tell you what your gender is deep down is you.

A couple blogs that might help with learning about and investigating non-binary gender identities are these two: @nonbinaryresource​ and @nonbinaryconfess. Both of them are really good about answering questions too, and I’ve actually learned a lot about other non-binary genders that I didn’t know about. (I’d be careful about going through the non-binary tags just in case there are any nasty enby-phobes posting in the tags.)

And if all else fails and you want someone to talk to, my messenger and inbox are always open. n.n