#''just because it isn't working right now does not make me a failure - and does not mean that it will never work''

[toshidou]

insecure about a part of your body? just imagine ghost, soap, gaz, whoever fits the bill, pressing their lips to the flesh without a second thought. imagine them groaning into your skin as though they can't believe that this is theirs, that you're with them.

try to imagine how it would feel as they sink their teeth into the skin, as though trying to consume you because simply touching you is no longer enough. listening to how they whisper praise in awe and reverence, quiet enough you know it's not for you, loud enough to know that your body is such a marvel to them that they cannot help but voice it.

they worship you, regardless of your own opinion. not a moment goes by where they don't find you sexy, where they don't look at you and melt. in every scenario, they will always find a way to make you feel loved, cherished, and seen.

and on the days you really can't face yourself, on those days where the cruel whispers creep on your subconscious and grip your mind like a vice, they'll be there. steadfast and constant, they will be there.

[afniel]

Maaaaaaaaaaaan, come on.

(the post has ended up in the tags btw. I am not changing this and I need you to understand that it is just me talking to myself semi-publicly)

[maibeenot]

Last one about TUA season 4, for now.

(I talked about this in the tags of one of my RBs before but I wanted to elaborate)

I don't like how they keep trying to make Five a badass.

I find it especially frustrating as doing this constantly, bogs down any form of character development we could've had from Five.

For whatever reason, the writers seem to be allergic to acknowledging Five's biggest character flaw, his arrogance. Five always has to be right. He always has to be capable of everything and never needs any help. Despite the fact that Diego also has a very similar flaw (and is punished for it consistently), Five's seems to go completely untouched.

(A part of me thinks that the reason why they punish Diego so much more is because he comes off as the hot-headed impulsive one. While that's true, it certainly doesn't negate Five's ability to make mistakes or be incompetent)

Instead, they keep trying to invent a new flaw for Five in that; he is obsessed with the apocalypse. In reality, he's not obsessed with the apocalypse. He's obsessed with keeping his family safe. It just so happens that their most immediate threat (in his eyes) tends to be the apocalypse. (I really don't understand what they're trying to get at with this, especially considering the fact that he already has an extremely apparent flaw)

While this isn't an issue I take with season 4 specifically, it has definitely amplified this issue like crazy. Five's arrogance is vaguely addressed by his siblings in season 1, but it never seems to get him in trouble? Or at least he doesn't seem to have learned from it (except for the time-travelling thing from when he was 13, and when he bled out also in season 1)

Season 1 (and 2) handled it the best out of the four. Five never seems to ask for or accept help unless backed into a corner (telling Viktor about the apocalypse, asking Klaus to help him get the prosthetic eye). Or if he is literally incoherent or unconscious (him passing out from blood loss, him being drunk and telling Diego and Luther about what's happening).

And outside of that, Five's arrogance still had brutal consequences within this season (him not noticing Viktor's declining mental state because he was so sure about the apocalypse (but this was partially because this man tunnel-visions like crazy)).

(there are probably more instances of this with s1 & 2, i just can't think of them off the top of my head so tag them if you'd like)

Season 4 is extra mean with this. From the 'Five getting to work for the CIA at 19' to 'Five randomly figuring out what's causing the end of the world with a bunch of other Five's' while he was off moping.

And when he does make mistakes, it's not because he's actually not capable of everything and anything.

Noooo, Ben really really sneakily stole the marigold and spiked the sake. Five couldn't have possibly noticed. (and none of the other siblings for that matter)

Noooo, it's because Luther is actually super smart in figuring out that Five's boss is a Keeper (no shade to Luther btw, I like him. They just don't treat this moment as Five being a complete dumbass).

Oh no! Five (and Lila) can't figure out a way back from the metro! Never mind, another Five managed it.

Five being a homewrecker? That's him being an asshole, not incompetent so it doesn't count (lighthearted).

Five's arrogance one of his defining flaws, yet it's not really challenged. The fact that he gets away with a lot of bullshit is simply because he can! When he doesn't face failure, he doesn't find growth. He doesn't learn to stop being self-destructive just because he thinks he can do anything. He doesn't learn to reach out.

This stunt in growth is obviously not only present in Five but also everyone else. I just find his to be particularly grating since he's my favorite.

Feel free to add your thoughts to this, not just about Five's fucked up character growth but everyone else's too!

(I'll make long a ass post/video essay going into detail about all of them one of these days)

I'd love to read them :)

[lenaboskow]

so last night i was sitting here trying to clear my writer's block by jumping between wips and then i had a thought: a writing experiment where i write what an "evan begins" ep would look like. and i know what you're thinking-- "we don't want that" but HEAR ME OUT (this was written while sleep deprived but i'm too lazy to rewrite it, bear with me)

"evan begins" isn't actually buck coming to terms with his given name, it's actually the beginning of him losing himself in his relationship with tommy over the course of several episodes (telling everyone that he no longer goes by buck, distancing himself from the 118, getting reckless on calls because tommy, who is as uninterested as we've seen him to be, only seems to care when he's hurt just like his parents).

and eddie. eddie hates this. he just got christopher back, and now buck is pulling away from him, from their family, from the 118, is refusing to be called buck, and won't stop risking his life for no reason. he tries, he tries so hard to get buck to listen to him. eddie never calls him evan, not once, and buck ignores him every time his name leaves his mouth. it hurts, but eddie knows that he can't give in, that he needs to fight for buck because no one else is, has time to because they're all going through their own stuff. but buck helped him get through chris being in texas, and now eddie would help buck get through whatever this is.

but buck isn't making it easy. he isn't talking to anyone, not really, but it's like he's specifically avoiding eddie. that's why it takes so long for eddie to realize what he's doing. that he's reverted back to his childhood attempts at getting attention. and the way he notices? complete accident. eddie's at the hospital, waiting for news (because buck never remembered to take eddie off of his emergency contact list, and eddie would use that power as much as possible until he realized), and tommy shows up. he and tommy aren't on the friendliest of terms anymore, mostly because of eddie's newly identified jealousy, but they make small talk. tommy makes a comment, something about how he and "evan" hadn't had the chance to go out on a date in over a week, and it clicks.

eddie shows up at the loft that night. tommy's there, he answers the door, and eddie pushes past him, heads straight to buck who's sitting on the couch that isn't even comfortable. he stands in front of him, and before buck can ask why he's at the loft, eddie says "i know what you're doing, and it needs to stop".

buck. buck just... goes quiet. the lack of a denial is enough for eddie, and he turns to tommy, telling him he needs to go. tommy puts up a fight, but eddie's more stubborn, and may or may not threaten to call athena (who is not tommy's biggest fan). is it ethical? no. does it have any legal standing? no to that as well. but eddie doesn't care, and it works, and suddenly he and buck are alone for the first time in months. and buck breaks.

he tells eddie everything, how he didn't feel like himself, and that he didn't know why he was doing what he was, but he didn't know how to stop it, how to leave this relationship that took so much from him. he tells eddie he feels like a failure, like a disappointment, and that he feels guilty for abandoning him right after chris got back. feels guilty for abandoning chris, and the rest of the 118. and eddie just holds him.

the next episode is titled "buck begins again", and we see eddie help buck pick the pieces of his life back up. there's a not so pleasant breakup, apologies are made, and eddie is right there by buck's side the entire time.

i don't think, don't want buddie to get into a relationship in this episode, but what i think would be an acceptable ending would be buck telling eddie "i know, and you know, but i'm not ready. i want to be better for you, for us, for me. will you wait for me?" and eddie just smiles, and nods his head. end episode.

[danieyells]

Could you imagine if MC doesn't break the curse and dies? And then cutting to a year or two into the future and a couple of the boys are hunting an Anomaly only to get attacked by a bunch of flower monsters, they do manage to beat them back only for them to hear an all too familiar voice asking if they're still alive.

The Anomaly appears before the Ghouls in the most vicious and cruel way possible, in the corpse of MC and in the most mocking tone possible it says, "Hi~ Did you miss me?"

Idk I think that would really mess with the Ghouls.

I don't think the Academy would release them if they turned into the anomaly lmaooooo I guarantee you they will kill them on campus, if they don't keep them locked up for study. They sent Taiga to kill the one that cursed them specifically because Taiga kills things, they want those things dead. In the weeks leading up to their last day they'd be kept somewhere in Mortkranken, being studied and experimented on while flowers grow out of their head and eyes. And maybe some of their friends would want to let them out, but they'd be convinced against it--if they're released the Institute will send someone to kill them. Someone who isn't attached like they are. The best hope they have is being locked up right now.

But yeah if somehow they got out or something. . .I dunno, I think it depends on the ghoul. A lot of them would be very "you are not them anymore" and not show mercy--the ones who would be shaken by it would be more invested in capturing them. If they can talk they can be reasoned with, perhaps they'll come back willingly? But if they're attacking them they have to fight back--although it didn't attack Taiga that we're aware of. We don't even know if the Kyklos can fight, but assuming it does.

Oops my list of responses got long. Some are more intense(?) than others lol

Jin would feel a little tinge of regret that with all his money and power this couldn't have had been prevented. He would try and capture them, but if that weren't feasible. . .he might have had some kind of tracker made when he learned they got away from the Academy. They'll be able to find them and capture them. For their memory he'll make sure they find a way to cure this curse. Maybe, just maybe, they can be un-cursed and they're still in there. So they need to keep the body.

Tohma would do whatever Jin asked of him, assuming he's still working with/for Jin at this point. If Jin says capture it he'll try and capture it. If Jin says kill it, kill it. If he's on his own, he knows he should capture it so he'll try and do that but, again, if it can't be done then cut it down.

It'd definitely bother Kaito. Assuming he doesn't grow a backbone, he'd freeze up. He might try and talk to and reason with them. But if they start trying to attack him he'd have no choice but to fight back, or someone who's with him would fight it for him. Because he wouldn't be able to get past that he's hearing them talk and if they sound scared or in pain or upset by all of this it would be so hard to keep going. But they'd have to. He'd somehow end up capturing them by pure dumb luck.

Luca would just apologize and promise to avenge them before cutting them down, assuming he doesn't eventually understsnd that he needs to capture, not kill, the anomalies. Considering PC's dead, he'd probably have learned by then and he'd spend forever trying to capture them, even if it were on his own.

Alan, like Luca, might pause for a bit but then mercy kill them. He'd feel awful about it afterwards though. Like, you'd need to give the guy a minute for real. Yes, he knows they were already dead and that wasn't really them anymore. But it still feels bad.

Leo. . .I feel like he'd've learned whatever he could about Kyklos after the failure tk break their curse. Like, c'mon, they must've found something out. At some point, he'd learn Ed knew something too and he'd get information out of him. He'd know things the Institute doesn't know. For example, the Kyklos' victim may not be dead in there. The Institute said they'd die but Ed said they'd just turn into the anomaly--the Institute is likely the one that would kill them. So he'd make sure they get captured, or at least make sure they escape instead of get killed if they can't capture them yet. If they can be cured they might be able to come back. And they will fucking owe him. (But, man, he's used AI to fake people's voices before and it's 1000 times worse having that kind of thing used against you. Gross. Hopefully his gum over their mouth will shut them up. Even the way they breathe is way too loud.)

Sho, I think, would still be following Leo's lead. He's be surprised Leo doesn't want them killed until Leo fills him in on everything he learned from Ed. Sho'll be really determined to capture them if there's a chance they're still in there. He'd apologize that Hyde would probably be examining them though. If he tries anything weird, just threaten to curse him, okay? You can't unless he takes his stupid mask off but like. You can threaten him, I'm giving you permission.

Haru would chat right back. Try and convince them to come willingly. If they couldn't be convinced. . .well, sorry, he has to take them in. No hard feelings, right? If they're still in there at all, they have to understand better than anyone how important this is!

Towa would be fucking furious. Like, for a while, too. He very well might slaughter them without mercy. How fucking dare it. The way Alan was beating on Takeru's ghost? Imagine that but with lightning. Maybe an explosion or two. Reduced to ashes. He did not give that thing permission to speak to him. And how dare it use his Dandelion's voice to do so. How fucking dare it think he would feel bad in response to it. It should have knelt and begged for mercy instead of mocking him if it wanted to keep living.

Ren would wince and complain about that being disgusting. C'mon, that's super tasteless. And corny. He's seen this exact kind of thing in a shitty horror movie he watched. . . .he watched it with PC even. Ugh, they're definitely mocking him. Okay, here comes the inner tube, time to go back to the Institute, buddy. Can you not talk the rest of the way maybe? It'll make him feel bad.

Taiga shot the thing before it could even talk. Not dead though, oh no, it just can't walk. Yeah, he did miss you, kitty cat. You've been wasting away out here! It's okay, you actually smell even better, you're gonna taste even better like this! Whoever Taiga is with has to watch him talk to this thing like he knew and loved it while he eats it alive. Keep fighting, kitty cat, keep scratching, good. If they're still in there at all he wants as much of them as he can eat. When he's done it's the most full he's felt in a long time.

Romeo, like Towa, would be disgusted and pissed off and just. Not even be there for it. Oh, no, the second it tried to use that disgusting imitation of PC's voice he was shooting it he was blowing it up. Stop talking. STOP TALKING. How dare you mock Romeo Scorpus Lucci! How dare you TAKE SOMETHING FROM HIM and dangle it, tarnished, in his face! Die!

Ritsu would inform them they've committed some crime against anomalous law by escaping the Institute with intent to spread their curse, and he would be taking them in and having them tried. Sorry, but he won't be defending them this time. He can't forgive what the curse has done to them, but if they come willingly perhaps they'll be given a more gentle treatment and sentencing. Perhaps if they help the Institute they'll be able to be treated and released. Isn't that better than running away forever?

Subaru would feel so bad. . .that they turned into the anomaly is only the anomaly doing what its nature dictated. And now they're only following their new instincts. They know he doesn't want to harm them. Please come back with him. He understands they aren't trying to hurt anyone, and he won't fight if they don't fight. But he can't let them get away, either. Surely if they can speak they're reasonable. If they keep running away someone will kill them. Please just come back. He knows they don't want to be locked up like Lyca was, but it might be what's best for everyone. . .he'll do everything he can to see to it that Darkwick or the Institute treat them well. . . . Of course, he'll fight if he has to. But he'll refuse to use lethal force. Either they'll be captured or they'll escape. No other options.

Haku. . .I think he'd feel bad, but it wouldn't impede him any. He doesn't wanna give them up to the Institute, knowing how they'll be treated, but. . .what's the other option, letting them run free and cursing more people? Letting the prophecy fulfil itself and some calamity happens? Nah, sorry, but they've gotta come back. Not even for the Institute--it's about the Prophecy. If they don't go back soon surely something bad will happen. Things have already been going downhill since they escaped. He'd laugh and play his flute and lock them in with him. Isn't this familiar--but a little backwards? Right back where they started. He's taking them to Darkwick. Time is a flat circle, or whatever.

Zenji, assuming he's still floating around and somehow ends up in this situation, would be so upset and frustrated. . .and he's pretty helpless in these situations too. I assume, as a ghost, Zenji is aware of spirits, and he'd see their soul may still be in there and implore whoever he's with, if they can hear him(I assume he'd be with Subaru) to carefully capture them. Because they may still be in there. Maybe he'd try and communicate with their spirit. Maybe he could get them to control their body just a little bit, just enough to get them captured. If nothing else, even if they die, their spirit can be released right? They should be allowed to move on if they want. They can't do that trapped inside their cursed shell. (But if not he wouldn't mind being ghost partners!)

Ed has met plenty of Kyklos before. He already knows the deal. They are a Kyklos now. There's nothing wrong with that. Congratulations on being freed of humanity--although perhaps they would be happier as a different sort of anomaly than this. He considers letting them go--this mission wasn't about them after all--but he asks if they're happy. He looks into their soul to find if they are happy. They are not. Their instincts will make them run or fight or seek humans to spread their curse to, and they, like a freshly turned vampire, don't have much control outside of their instincts. Kyklos never do. Ed has already graduated and he can go home now. . .and the Greek branch of the Institute will know better what to do with a Kyklos than the Japan branch, he suspects. He's not sure how they'll manage it. . .but instead of taking them to Darkwick, he'll get them out of the country somehow. He'll keep them safe until then. Somehow. Just don't get caught until then, okay? So he lets them go, because he, unlike others, can understand an anomaly. (Towa can also understand, but he was too pissed off to hear them out, of course.) He'll be back for them, because he isn't beholden to the Institute. He wanted to stay in Japan a little longer but this may be more pressing. . . .

Rui. . .god what could he even do. He would feel so bad because Ed already told him they're still in there, somewhere. Would it be more merciful to kill them? It's what the Institute would expect him to do, and they may get on his ass if they learn he didn't even try. . .he'd laugh about them putting him in a tough spot. The Institute didn't get any better in their absence. Will they kill them if he takes them back? Will they at least try to cure the curse after the fact or study them or something first? Is it better to just kill them now?? Is it better to just let them go???? But they'd hurt people. . .in the end, he's a pacifist. If it prevents damage to others and he doesn't have to do the killing, he has to capture them and hope for the best.

Lyca, I think it'd depend on how much they still smell like themself. If they smell like themself still, just heavily obscured by all the flowers, he might try and talk to them and capture them, but if not. . .he'd get mad that this awful thing is using his friend's voice and trying to trick him. He'd probably just kill them then.

Yuri isn't a fighter anyway, but he'd immediately take it out on them verbally. How dare they run away before they could make a breakthrough, how dare they make him look like a failure by escaping??? They should have felt honored to be his test subject! They should have felt honored to be advancing such a valuable study! Even if they died, someone else could live thanks to their sacrifice! Or they could have lived!! So they are getting captured and they sre going back to Yuri's lab and no one else is going to touch or study them without his approval and supervision and he WILL find a cure for their curse, even if that cure doesn't bring them back for additional scolding! Now, Jiro, capture it.

Jiro would be curious as to how much of that talking was still them. He'd keep talking to them. Asking them questions. Do you remember our names? Do you remember what you studied in class? Do you remember the missions we went on? Do you remember when Yuri did this? Do you remember when I did this? Do you remember when you said that? Do you remember how you felt then? Do you feel anything now? He'd be so curious about what's going on in their head and if it's still the PC or if it's just the parasitic anomaly. He'd be studying them and fighting them--and he'd be very certain to capture them. Because he needs to know everything. And if they're still in there, wouldn't it be amazing if they got them back? And, of course, because Yuri told him to. Even if they're gone and their life can't be salvaged, there's so much to be gained from capturing them. Don't make it easy on him. He needs to know what they can do, too.

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

Y'know, for a series that's themed so heavily around deception, misplaced trust, and things not being as great as they seem, it's so interesting to me how we have a total of three characters who have stories that involve a powerful, wealthy individual manipulating them and causing them or their loved ones harm during times of financial struggle or straight-up poverty XF-Ture Tech greeted the impoverish Jeung family with the offer to pay off all of their expenses, only at the cost of their daughter, Min, becoming the Ultimate Student 12 years down the line. This led Min from ages five to seventeen to work away her entire life to achieve this goal, turning her into the perfect image of an Ultimate that Hope's Peak Academy wanted to see, at the cost of her childhood and her autonomy.

Min: I don't know why that man would sponsor some random child, nor why it would be me of all people. And I never had the time nor space to figure out the answer to that question. Min: Failure was not something I even considered, because if I failed, then there would be no future for me or my family. Min: I had simply accepted for my whole life that I would be the Ultimate Student, and I lived my life accordingly. That's why the Academy chose me.

The Lacroix family was sent into a river of debt by their daughter Rose, and when all hope seemed to be lost, Richard Spurling offered to clear her charges and pay off her fines if she decided to work under him as a painter for the Spurling Foundation. Any semblance of herself in Rose's works has now dissipated, her sense of identity only tied to the contract she signed with an angelic devil.

Rose: Forever working to pay off my mistakes, and never being able to call my art my own... This isn't the life of an artist that I wanted. It's not what anyone would want. Rose: All I do is make paintings on others' beck and call. It's been so long that I don't think I remember how to paint something original anymore. Rose: That spark of vitality is missing from anything I make. Like this painting. And I can't help but feel like I'm missing a part of myself.

Little is known about the details of Xander's story at this time, but we know enough to know that he falls into this category too. The Matthews family lived in a town with an understaffed hospital and a river as their only water source, leaving them unprepared for an incident that would gruesomely wipe them out. Meanwhile, Duke Spurling, a wealthy man in extreme power being a politician, who instead of using his power for good was, from what we can tell, sitting on his dollar bills while the innocents around him lost function in their limbs.

Xander: I read that it was like rotting from the outside in. Xander: Your limbs would stop working before your organs did, and you would lie there and feel yourself die and be unable to do anything about it. Xander: There was only one dinky understaffed hospital for miles, one that could barely handle a minor flu outbreak, much less that 'incident' Xander: I read that it took weeks before they even figured out what to do with all the bodies. They left them where they died. After all, there was no one left to move them. Xander: It was during May, that time of the year there when the temperature quickly grows to be excruciatingly hot. Xander: You know what that does to corpses, right? I'm sure the smell was unbearable--

It's just really interesting to me how this is a theme across all three characters, and I can't help but wonder if this will carry over to some of the other characters as well.

[maidenvault]

RotJ makes a point of letting us know that Leia is Luke's sister, they've known this on some level for a long time, and he probably cares more about her than anyone in the world because this gives so much more weight to his conflict at the end of the movie, and I think this is a huge thing people overlook when they argue that him redeeming his father represents a rejection of the old Jedi ways of non-attachment. Because in the moment he has to let go of Leia and his friends to be able to actually save Anakin.

When Obi-Wan tries to convince Luke that he has to kill Vader and there's no other way, he doesn’t really discuss it as an issue of Luke having an attachment to him. I think he knows this isn't really the Jedi way but just like in the previous war, they don't seem to be faced with any good choices. Obi-Wan believes what Luke wants is truly impossible and, having failed to stop Vader when he could have before, of course he's trying to stop Luke from making the same mistake.

But it's significant that in the same conversation, Obi-Wan does warn him that his love for his sister could be made a liability if he's not careful. When Luke learns he has a twin and reveals how strong a connection he feels with Leia because he doesn't even have to be told who it is, Obi-Wan's response sets up how this will play into the climax of the film:

"Your insight serves you well. Bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They do you credit, but they could be made to serve the Emperor."

Then when Luke is brought to Sidious, he reveals to Luke that the Rebellion is walking right into a trap as a way to torment and provoke him. Luke gets angrier and angrier while helplessly watching the fleet get ambushed and finally does just what Sidious wants and tries to attack him. But it's Vader specifically threatening Leia that makes Luke totally lose control of his feelings and fight him in a rage.

Luke is basically facing the same kind of test he failed so badly in ESB by running off to help his friends. When Yoda is trying to make him see he's not ready to face Vader and keep him from going to Bespin, he says something that I think is such an underrated quote in its importance to Luke's whole journey:

"Decide you must how to serve them best. If you leave now, help them you could, but you would destroy all for which they have fought and suffered."

Luke is really lucky he doesn't get killed in Cloud City (or captured, which I think at this point could have resulted in him being turned). Yoda knows Luke is the one person with a chance of defeating the Emperor and Luke just about throws that away.

But at the end of RotJ when Luke cuts off Vader's hand, he surely is reminded of his failure at Bespin and sees the path he's starting down by succumbing to his fears like that again. He stops because he sees he's betraying his loved ones and everything he is. He can only throw away his weapon and confidently tell the Emperor to eat shit then because he's no longer afraid of dying or of those he loves dying. He's done what his father couldn't do and kept his soul intact, which is what Leia would want. Because real love isn't selfishly trying to save someone by betraying what they believe in like Anakin did with Padme. And it obviously has to be an incredibly powerful thing for Vader to see his own son able to do this, even comparing himself to the man he once was ("I am a Jedi, like my father before me").

We remember everything working out okay so it's easy sometimes to forget that Luke gives this triumphant speech when the rebel fleet is getting pulverized outside and things overall still look pretty hopeless. He probably expects he could die at this point. But like Obi-Wan in his own death scene, he knows nothing can destroy him now. And it's the love he feels for his family that gives him the strength to let go.

[bonefall]

Feel free to ignore you've probably got a lot going on right now, but considering you know a lot about DOTC and Clear sky, I had a question...

We know that he's a terrible, misogynistic, woman beating and war mongering lunatic who was excused of all his actions because his equally misogynistic brother said " But-But he's nice! Deep down! This isn't the real him! "

But! In a world where the Hunters could write such a character, what do you think Clear Sky would look like as an actual sympathetic villain?

Idk if that makes sense, but what I've thought of doing is taking purely cannon Clear Sky and attempting to change him enough that he's still an antagonist, but not too far where only Reddit defends him.

I don't think he works as a sympathetic villain, on any level, ever. I think you're making a huge mistake to even try, and I have never seen an AU where it was done well nor am I interested in entertaining the thought.

Characters. Are. Tools. They exist to tell a story. The story that people tell me, by obsessing over some alternate universe where he was "ACTUALLY sympathetic and had a REAL redemption arc," is that they're not fucking interested in his dozens of victims. Nor do they actually care about the abusive impact he had on the minds and feelings of his family. They're JUST interested in Clear Sky himself.

Just like the Erins. Everything that happens in DOTC revolves around him. Everything. All his wives die so he can be sad about it. His brother defends all of his actions and BEGS you to sympathize with his pain so he can be 'redeemable.' One Eye comes out of nowhere so that there can be an example of "real" evil to contrast Clear Sky so he's less bad in hindsight.

The first three books of DOTC are bad, but the last three are fucking insufferable because SUDDENLY all that Gray Wing apologia pays off, and they take their main villain and throw him out a window. You CAN'T have "redeemable" Clear Sky and the plot of DOTC without dragging in someone else to drive the conflict, to BE the bigger threat to "unite" against. Slash and One Eye have to be conjured up out of thin air so Clear Sky can WHINE about how people only suck his toes instead of deepthroat them after he killed all their friends.

And yet, in spite of this absolute failure of an attempt, we continue to see this bullshit "redemption" be a mistake because Clear Sky is a fantastic villain, with major antagonist roles in nearly EVERY bit of follow-up material for DOTC that came after.

He's the most consistent monster in all of Warriors.

He's a fragile, egotistical, self-absorbed megalomaniac who ALWAYS sees himself as the victim, REFUSING to self-reflect and blaming everything else for all of his terrible choices. He will USE your love of him against you like it's a chain through your nose, step out of line and he will yank you into place with guilt trips, manipulation, public shaming, and violence.

He's a child abuser. He's a tyrant. He abandons the sick and disabled as soon as they're of no use to him, with grand speeches about "illness" and "weakness." He's a murderer who stands above the shredded corpse of his victim and bellows, "I'M NOT GREEDY! I'M JUST STRONG!"

And you'd write a "good" redemption arc for this, why?

Why are people so chronically unable to accept that there are LOTS of people like him, and you can't save your abuser? Why don't you ask yourselves why you're not interested in exploring Thunder, or Petal, or Gray Wing, and how his toxic influence impacts them? Why does the sympathy fall on Clear Sky? What about the DOZENS of victims who are dead by Book 3, and how THEY could have been saved?

Why ruin a perfectly good villain?

What's behind this trend where a billion people say to me, "Yes Clear Sky is a walking cavalcade of fucked up abuse apologia, and an incredibly realistic depiction of an abuser, but how would you change this while keeping it all the same?"

I wouldn't. You can't. It wouldn't be the same story, or it wouldn't be the same character. Never seen it done well, and I have seen it a lot. So I don't entertain this deeply frustrating "Well What If Clear Sky But Nice" impulse.

[redphlox]

Do you think Toya ever had a chance? I feel like his descent into villainy as Dabi was inevitable, I know he has the equivalent of a Quirk disability but I feel maybe it wasn't meant to work like his father's Quirk but in a different way.

I wished Toya had the chance to go back home but Horikoshi pulled a cruel fate on us.

I didn't want Toya to be saved this way, it felt too late and he will always be seen as his family's regret and failure because he is the cruel reminder to everyone that this family was a mistake, nothing but a Quirk experiment.

He can never be seen as anything other than a mistake or regret to make up for out of guilt. I know his family is here now, but it feels more out of obligation more than anything.

I have a few thoughts about how disability is framed in BNHA but I'll reserve my thoughts until after the manga is officially over. I'm not sure if you've read my other posts, but I'm optimistic that Touya's fate isn't to die. I'm not going to entertain doom and gloom on my blog. I'm finding that spiraling is influencing others to think the worst of the worst and causing unnecessary heartache and anxiety. I'm not saying others can't spiral - just don't do it on my blog.

I don't agree with the idea that the family thinks of Touya as a mistake - where does the manga indicate the family thinks his existence was a mistake? Can you show me the panels? No, because they don't exist.

In 301-302, it's plainly stated that the family thinks Dabi was born out of Endeavor's ambition and selfishness and failure as a father. The other children were quirk experiments too, but Rei and even Endeavor NEVER state regret about starting a family - they don't regret their kids. They regret hurting their kids, but they don't regret bringing them into this world. Not once has Rei or Enji stated they regret Touya being born. Neither have the siblings.

The regret the family feels isn't that he exists, but that they feel they failed him in some way - Rei and Enji as parents, Natsuo and Fuyumi as siblings (even though it wasn't their fault at all.) It's only natural to feel responsible and guilty for your loved one's downward spiral and feel like you could have done more if you had known what would have happened (See: Spinner in 427).

The Todorokis love Touya unconditionally (although it was hard to show that during their childhood because of the abuse). That's why they united to stop him, why they united to come see him at the hospital, and that's why they want to talk to him and have SO much to discuss. Touya is literally shivering and his heart rate is speeding up from the happiness of finally feeling wanted and seen now that his family is at his bedside.

They're literally saying, "Tell me all your thoughts. I want to know. I want to be with you."

He's a hated criminal now - BUT they're not abandoning him. They're facing hell right now because of what he did but they're not forsaking him or distancing themselves to save themselves from the public's damnation. They WANT to be with Touya, even if it'll be difficult. They could have easily left him, deserted him, forsaken him, turned their backs, washed their hands clean of him - much like Hawks and his mother distanced themselves from his father.

But the Todorokis HAVEN'T spurned Touya, and WON'T. That's what they're conveying by being at his bedside and telling him they want to talk to him. Nothing he can do can make them stop wanting him. Sure, there might be some resentment and hurt feelings, but that doesn't negate unconditional love.

Horikoshi went out of his way to make each Todoroki family member state they were present in Touya's room because they wanted to be there. "We're not all here out of a sense of duty" = we're all here because we want to be. If reading 426 didn't convince you of that, you might want to step back and reread a few more times.

[karniss-bg3]

I figured you’d be the right person to ask this question, why is Kar’niss’ skin super pale when he was originally a drow? 🖤

I had the same question myself and I did some digging a bit ago. All of the official drider concept art I've seen has depicted driders with dark skin, so it stands to reason that the transformation alone wouldn't be enough to alter his appearance. This leaves one interesting theory at play; Kar'niss was a Szarkai.

Szarkai, which translates to "ghost spiders", are albino drow. This is a very rare mutation that affects only 0.1% of the drow population. Their skin tones are so light in fact that they are able to pass as surface elves with little trouble. Some would think that this would make them outcasts but in fact Szarkai were viewed as a blessing of Lolth, hence their namesake.

There are some interesting crossover traits between Kar'niss and Szarkai that lean me more toward this theory, such as: -Szarkai look almost identical to drow outside of the skin tone. However, they have also been known to have minor deformities. The most notable is "gnarled and claw-like hands" which we know Kar'niss to possess. Originally I thought this was due to the transformation, but now I think he may have had it prior to the change.

-They are very adverse toward combat, preferring to let others do the dirty work so to speak. When the player engages Kar'niss in a fight one of the first things he does after his multi-attack is cast sanctuary on himself, protecting himself from harm and forcing his companions to take the hits. I also saw a video where someone cast banish on Kar'niss and when he returned he disengaged, healed himself, and ran from the fight. Now this was likely a bug, but it'd be on brand for Szarkai's desire to escape a fight rather than engage in it.

-They were mostly used as spies and gathering information since they could easily blend into surface societies. While there isn't much evidence that Kar'niss has much training in this field, what stuck out to me was the professions Szarkai favored. One of them is bard, and we have at least some notion that Kar'niss is linked to one musical instrument by way of the spider's lyre. I recall someone commenting asking if the lyre may have belonged to Kar'niss at one point and while I can't say with certainty, if it was and Minthara was merely holding on to it then it'd lend credence to him being a bard formerly. That and he's super pissed if you play it poorly!

-I haven't done a playthrough with Minthara in my party so I am not familiar with all of her dialogue lines. However, she does know Kar'niss in some capacity and the lyre is used to call him. Her last name is Baenre which is one of the most notable drow houses in all of Menzoberranzan, famous for Jarlaxle the leader of Bregan D'aerthe. I say this because Szarkai seemed to be far more common in noble houses, which Baenre would be. This could, even if loosely, establish a link between them.

IF this is true, that puts a very intense spin on Kar'niss' potential history. Szarkai were protected, considered valuable, and their existence kept secret. They were removed from drow life, and even kept in far safer conditions than others. This didn't mean they were shielded from the cruelty drow are known for but it was a different kind of cruelty. Often trained from a very young age to be spies and saboteurs, and subsequently being shipped to human cities to do as ordered. It makes me wonder what Kar'niss could've done to incur Lolth's wrath to the extent she warped him into a drider. Betrayal? Failure? Weakness? Or perhaps Lolth just really wanted an alabaster pet, it's hard to say.

Thanks for the ask!

[generalluxun]

I know it wasn't intended by the writers and even from a purely in universe perspective it was likely not a conscious decision but...

It really does feel like Andre was setting Chloe up for failure.

There's obviously letting doing Sabrina most of Chloe's labor for her thing.

But we also have that whole aspect where he taught her explicitly to cheat, extort, threaten and bribe her way to victory. A strategy that works for him because he's not doing that stuff to the people he wants to vote for him, but that ends up making Chloe hated by her peers.

Similarly, there's encouraging her Audrey impersonation, which even if we ignore the creep factor. Still means he is rewarding her for engaging in damaging and anti social behavior that only serves to make her miserable and more dependent on him.

His total tolerance for Audrey's overt cruelty towards her can also feel like it feeds into this. Again I don't think he is necessarily aware of or planning it, but this still serves to, A, not make Audrey upset with him, and B, mean he remains Chloe's primary source of affirmation and affection.

Add in him in season 1 being willing to act against her if she impacted 'him' negatively and it really does kind of feel like he, at least subconsciously, wanted Chloe to need to hang off of him forever and to generally lack other support networks or avenues of self sufficiency.

I mean, yes. There's a reason I'm very much on the 'Audrey's behavior is bad and abusive, but André's is worse' wagon.

Audrey is openly abusive to those around her, that is clear. She also wants absolutely nothing to do with kids. She removes herself from her daughters lives. She does it out of selfishness, but the net result is she she does not *make* herself a role model.

André on the other hand loves having a kid! They play great with the press. They make for awesome photo opportunities, and now and then he can play family just like in movies! What he doesn't like is *raising* a kid. He himself is horrible an self centered, so he doesn't think that maybe he needs to change his behaviors for the child, so he passes all of his Andreness on to them.

I know guys who were pretty useless until they had a kid, I know guys who are pretty useless with anything that *isn't their kid, but both groups still realize that *parenting* is something you have to do right, something worth changing or at least concealing your worst-self behaviors from. André can't even go that far.

André goes past 'oops haha silly me' or 'overworked parent' tropes too. The man is filthy rich. He could *make* time for his daughter if he wanted to. He also fails so completely on the very basics of parenting when *he has the resources to get help*. It shows he hasn't even really tried.

Well, he tries like a 4yr old tries when they don't want to do something. One half-hearted attempt, then they whine.

How do we have obvious proof, canonically, that this is on André? Look at Zoé. She had as much if not more contact with Audrey, and we are not giving her credit for being a *good* influence, are we? So then it comes down to the influence of the other parent, and what differences does canon show us there? Hmmm.

Look like André is a net negative in a child's life.

Oh and miss me anyone who claims children are just 'bad seeds'. That line of thinking can go jump in a wood chipper.

[abyssalzones]

C-PTSD as a diagnosis makes so much sense for Ford because he really does fit almost all of the criteria, ESPECIALLY if you take the stuff in J3 into account in conjunction with his traumatic childhood (bullying, bad dad, etc.). It just makes sense in regards to his motivations and his issues with interpersonal relationships (like with Stan). Also buring yourself in your work (like he does) is a very common 'flight' coping mechanism to trauma in adults

I'm smiling like this right now

ford's whole.... mental health deal is extremely interesting to examine because Oh my god this man is the textbook image for "reacting to ongoing, continuous trauma". intentional or otherwise (I'm inclined to believe it's both).

like. okay hang on I'm about to get very in depth with it

I feel like there's no way this entire guy's life and in some ways his lasting identity haven't been defined by and constructed around various forms of trauma, maybe the most obvious and true-to-canon-intent being peer abuse/bullying from childhood. a lot of people downplay the impact of this type of abuse but it's... responsible for a lot of social ills in shocking ways. (if you're more interested in this topic here is an article my friend mer linked me a while back, it gets into it very deeply)

(a lot of this is going to be sourced from the wikipedia page for CPTSD [and my own experience Living with it] which I realize isn't very professional of me but Whatever this is tumblr)

one of the core tenets of ford's personality is that he's Different. he owns it, sure- his six fingers become a point of pride rather than something to be ashamed of- but they make it extremely clear that from a young age he associated being different with being a social pariah. ford's generation was characterized by notoriously cruel bullying, and anything that remotely made you stand out rendered you a target. ford could've been bullied for being nerdy and jewish (and failing to perform socially, ie dating) alone, having such an obvious mutation definitely was not winning him any points.

so it's honestly no surprise, when from childhood ford feels like he has One person in the world to trust and confide in, that he would go on to form very unhealthy attachment patterns typical of CPTSD. as you elaborated on regarding AvPD (which I know far less about but seems to have comorbidity with CPTSD): if you're hard-wired to believe socializing with others results in failure or betrayal, then you're not going to make an effort. but what does end up happening is that you're going to pour all of your trust and dependency into one person at a time, one person who is "safe".

previously, that was his brother. and it's not really hard to draw the conclusion from there that fiddleford was a subject of ford's attachment style, considering he was his One friend from college, and... one of Maybe two people ford is friends with at all who he isn't related to. he cites him as the only person he can possibly trust to work on the portal project alongside him, and he still can't bring himself to tell him the full truth, because he's terrified of losing him. I love their dynamic (I do think they were mutual best friends, and there was no small amount of trust reciprocated between them. "fiddleford was weird as hell too" is something I keep coming back to) and I don't think it's built on entirely unhealthy terms, but that kind of pressure is... setting things up to crash and burn.

enter bill stage left. back to "continuous yearning to be liked and accepted"- this guy knew that and made every effort to prey on ford's insecurities to reel him in as close as possible. this is what really pisses me off about the idea that bill was just "inflating ford's ego", because it's way, way more insidious than that. throughout the entirety of journal 3 we see ford reintroduce someone to his life he has a very positive relationship with (fiddleford) and how that trust gets gradually broken down by bill's influence "winning out" over their friendship. I think it's safe to say ford was already vulnerable: from the start, he'd been isolated in his research for six years (and it's unclear for how long he'd known bill by 1982), and bill proved time and time again to be someone who wouldn't judge him, someone who would praise him for his hard work, and perhaps most critically, make him feel like being different was something special.

like that's... that's really not good!!!! and that kind of thing works wonders on someone who has already settled with the idea that they're inclined to be alone just by design.

trying to put a cap on this. in relationships like the one he's had with his brother or fiddleford it doesn't even necessarily have to be ""toxic"" (vague term anyway) or outwardly bad to be built on unhealthy attachment patterns, and considering for a good chunk of ford's life his attachment to others can be characterized as "I can only trust ONE person at a time" it feels essential to any discussion of his CPTSD or canon trust issues. That is something that happens a lot in Real cases of CPTSD (hi) and only further snowballs into More trauma by leaving you vulnerable to manipulation and abuse (see: bill.)

I've been going on for way too long now and I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the thing I wanted to elaborate on sorry. that post traumatic stress disorder can complex

[ceilidhtransing]

I see people saying “a vote for a third party isn't a vote for Trump, no matter how much you try to tell me it is” and while this statement makes sense from one perspective, it also sadly just misunderstands the material reality of politics.

If we're talking about voting purely as something that affects the moral tally of your individual heart, then yes, a vote for the Greens or whatever isn't morally equivalent to a vote for Trump. If the way you think about this is in terms of getting to the pearly gates and being asked “and did you always vote for the purest and most morally clean person?” then yes, a Green vote is not the same as having to say “actually I voted for Trump”.

But down here in the real world where voting isn't about maintaining your own personal sense of having a Morally Untarnished Heart but about, you know, real material consequences, a vote for a third party is functionally, if not morally, equivalent to a vote for Trump. You might not be voting for Trump but you are voting in a way that only makes it harder for the only candidate that has an actual chance in hell of beating Trump to win. There is no world in which that does not simply help Trump. You are splitting the anti-Trump vote and making it easier for him to win because that is how this voting system unfortunately works. Frankly, you may as well be voting for Trump.

“But my vote isn't an endorsement of Trump! It's an endorsement of the exact opposite values of Trump!” Yes, but again, this terrible first-past-the-post voting system does not produce “the average of all the values that people voted for”. Any votes that don't go towards the winner are wasted votes. And the winner, especially if that winner is Trump, will not care that you voted Green. They will govern just the same, and your voice will carry no weight at all electorally.

“Stop blaming people who vote third party for all the terrible things Republicans decide to do! Those things aren't my fault; I didn't vote for them.” There is a certain value to the argument “it's not my fault for voting third party; it's the Democrats' fault for not putting up a candidate I could vote for”. But this slightly falls apart when it comes to the people who have already decided they will always vote third party, regardless of how perfect a candidate the Democrats run, so this whole “it's the Democrats' job to convince me” is purely theoretical. And I too hate the way our society often defaults to blaming leftists for whatever the right does, as if leftists are the only ones with political agency and the right can never be held accountable for anything. But when leftists had an opportunity to prevent the right from doing something evil and they chose their own moral purity over an imperfect choice that would nevertheless have prevented some harm, then no, I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to place some of the blame on those people.

US presidential elections hang on relatively tiny numbers of people in only a few crucial swing states. And because 132,476 people in Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin decided to vote Green rather than Democrat in 2016, abortion is illegal in 13 states. That's less than 0.04% of the US population. Even margins that small matter. And no, those people didn't vote “against abortion”, but their failure to tactically unite behind the candidate who would have protected reproductive rights and who had a chance of actually winning directly led to the victory of the anti-abortion candidate. I'm sure all the people who now can't access abortion (ironically, none of whom lives in MI, PA or WI) are really glad that those people voted with their hearts rather than strategically. Votes have consequences, and things do change (for the worse, as well as for the better), much as some people like to harp on about how “nothing ever changes” and “your vote doesn't matter”.

“But why are you blaming those people? What about the people who actually voted Republican? Or the people who didn't vote at all?” Well, first off, this post is about third-party voting, not Republican voters or non-voters. But I do feel there is more ground to be gained by talking about the consequences of third-party voting than by discussing the others. Many Republican voters are essentially unreachable; they're not remotely progressive, so trying to convince them that they should be voting Democrat is mostly like talking to a brick wall. And non-voters are the people who didn't show up anyway; arguably they should have shown up, but they didn't. But third-party voters got involved, made sure they were registered to vote, got all the way to the voting booth, and then decided to vote not in the way that would defend at least some progressive values, but in the way that would only make it harder to beat the ultra-regressive candidate. There's an understanding that a lot of third-party voters are on the right side, they're just not making the right strategic decision, which is why so much more progressive energy gets put towards trying to convince e.g. Green voters than towards trying to convince people who aren't even remotely on our side to begin with.

“But both major candidates are agents of capital who will ultimately work for the continuation of the American empire. I'm voting for the benefit of the world, not just for the benefit of a few people in the US.” I'm not going to argue with you over that first sentence, because yes, you are correct. Both Democrats and Republicans ultimately support capitalism and both Democratic and Republican presidents have been responsible for some absolutely heinous crimes of US foreign and military policy. But as a non-American, the idea that voting in a way that makes it easier for Trump to win rather than uniting behind the person who might actually beat him - who is still flawed, but orders of magnitude better than him - is in some way liberatory to the rest of the world is just... what??? Do you not hear the people who are screaming “please stop the guy who's basically in favour of Putin annihilating Ukraine and endangering the rest of Central and Eastern Europe”? The people who are screaming “please stop the guy who seems like he just can't wait to drop nukes somewhere”? The people who are screaming “please stop the guy whose victory will only embolden the far right in our own countries and make it harder for us to beat them here”? Non-Americans are, by and large, not saying “ah yes, we are grateful that you chose moral purity rather than supporting one of the two capitalist candidates who will continue US imperialism”; we are screaming “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LET TRUMP GET ELECTED; THIS WILL MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE FOR ALL OF US”. Your Green vote does not help the world right now. Please get behind the person who isn't a massive, immediate, almost unprecedented threat to everything we hold dear, and then we can fight for a better world together.

[piescornerstore]

yknow i really like the headcanon where addisons, when they're tired or otherwise out of energy, can plug into some sort of cable and recharge at the end of a long day. but i also like the headcanon where their main source of energy is money. while they can eat anything, from regular human food to magic food to shoes, usually the most important nutrients an addison can get is from any type of currency. and i thought, why not both? humans do the same. addisons use food as the main source of energy, and connect themselves to a cable so they can clear their caches and be more ready than ever to be able to sell and work, which is all that they're supposed to be able to do.

and that made me think a little more about addispam's place in all that.

you guys know about the right to repair, right? that ever-looming fact that as consumerism becomes more and more dominant in our lives, and as corporations strive to make more and more money, the things we buy are reaching new levels of craptastic that they're basically made to break, and that older tech, while durable as hell, is basically totally accommodated for in the modern day.

and what about addispam in that context? in my fanon, he's a much older model of addison that accidentally rebooted, meant for the dump but is now roaming cyber city trying to fulfill the one purpose he was made for. but of course, the world isn't made for him anymore. maybe it never was

i'd think it'd really click for him once he tried to plug into a cable to recharge. it's practically necessary for any addison these days: if you want to sell properly, you need to clear your cache, or else your head will be swimming with endless noise that'll just fuck you up the longer it's allowed to accumulate. so, spamton bought itself a charging cable with the little money it had, after asking around to figure out what it was supposed to do (cause no one ever gave it a rulebook). but as soon as he tried to do it, the charger wouldn't fit. it went back to the store. tried another cable. didn't fit. turns out they don't sell chargers that fit its model anymore. nobody does. so addispam has to deal with a cache that keeps building and building.

and what about other things? updates are crucial to addisons. you HAVE to keep up with the styles, you HAVE to keep up with the trends, and you NEED to mimic every single little thing a lightner does but not TOO much or it might be too uncanny. so when a new update comes out, everyone's getting it.

except spamton. its model's far too old to receive such updates. it's not even on the table anymore. the last update for a model of his kind was probably a decade ago, and of course, there's no way to modify him to receive one in a way that won't kill him.

and modifications are another thing. as lines of code compressed to form sentient artificial organisms, cyber citizens can modify themselves in any way they want. tall, short, thin, fat, long hair, short hair, eye color, fingernails, even down to the way your voice sounds, you can modify yourself in any way you want. isn't that the dream? and hey, they still have modifications available for spamton's type of model? isn't that fantastic?

except they cost money. way too much money. these are the types of mods that if spamton had them, he'd probably be able to make a few sales, but he can't, because he doesn't have MONEY. and that's the thing that's fueling all of this.

everyone needs their cache cleared so they can make sales. everybody needs to update right away so they can make sales. everyone needs to modify themselves in just the right way so they can make sales. keeping everyone on their toes, their nerves ready to explode once the right mistake is made, is just the way an addison's world works. you wouldn't want to fail at your one and only purpose, would you? you wouldn't want to end up like that guy, you know him, everyone knows him, and everyone knows how much they DON'T want to be him. because they'd be failures if they were anything like him.

anyway i hate consumerism bye <3

[iceunhie]

starstealer :: even stars can be swept off their feet. xavier is sure he is when he falls for you.

footnotes: small blurb, slight angst and my first standalone l&d fic! xavier experimentation fic because his character intrigues me to no end, lots of star comparisons

the universe contains approximately almost an innumerable number of stars, and out of an infinitely unquantifiable number of them, xavier wonders why you look at him like he's the brightest one.

stars fall, xavier admits, stars can fall, and xavier knows he's falling. (he's fallen.)

he knows it in the way you rest your head on his shoulder while you watch the flimsy dots of lights litter in the cosmos and his heart soars.

he knows it whenever he sees you hurt even for a fraction—how his feelings die and solidify and coalesce only at the thought of you. how fear climbs up his throat and marred memories of failure creep up his skin.

"you're not fine." he persists, handling you as though you were sand slipping through his fingers; jaw tight when he sees blood staining the white of your sleeve. the gash on your shoulder is shallow, though it spanned a quite alarming size. it makes him anxious. bile rises to his throat and he fights to keep his stomach from dropping. you laugh, brushing him off. "you don't need to take care of me, you know. isn't it tedious?" not to me, xavier keeps to himself. not when it's you. instead he says, "no. it's not. just let me help you, okay?" "fine....." you huff, resigned; and you thank him. 'always.'

knows it in how the stretch of two hundred and fourteen springs feels like a nightmare never dreamed before; with you as his reason to hold on.

knows it when he sees how the night's breeze makes your hair sway, the moon's glow a wink in the vastness that is the universe and the incomparable feeling that his universe, his wish, is right next to him.

he failed you time and time again.

now, xavier swears to never fail you again.

loving you feels like being showered the touch of a thousand flickering embers burning up to become a fire, and xavier doubts he can put it out.

he won't.

you like stars. xavier thinks that should you ask him to pluck one out for you, he'd hate it if only because he wishes to keep you in his arms for a little longer.

(he'd do it anyway.)

one look, one touch; leaving him to be stardust begging to be held in your hands. a star swept off its feet.

leaving him to find sleep a secondary choice in nature so as to burn your image into the scope of his memory. making him feel that happiness he only feels when he's with you.

loving you is painful, but loving you is worth it. he's fallen, and falls even more everyday.

"xavier?" did you know that every inch of his will has promptly devoted itself to you? would bend to your words without a thought and hear your every wish?

"hm?" he exerts, feeling the weight of your eyes on him.

you lean against him and the stars dim. the world falls to a hush. it's only you, it was always you—

xavier doesn't think to breathe; he listens to the sound of your heart thumping steadily in your chest, the rhythmic beat a reason to live again, to love you again. no words are needed more, not when your presence permeates across the void words cannot hope to fill.

"can i lean on you just a bit longer?"

(yes. always.)

"....as much as you want." his eyes soften, and his words are tender. "as long as you need."

he sees you smile, watches as your cheeks become full by the way your joy lights up your face, and xavier's world does too.

you're everything, xavier thinks. to the point he feels as though all the stars up in the sky shine if only to witness you.

a/n pls don't judge me for this half-baked fic and the possible in corrections of xavier lore; did i mention this was supposed to be a rafayel fic but ya girl decided to tap out

[९] 2024 © iceunhie do not copy or repost my work. do not use my work for your own use

[iwonderwh0]

Fic ideas that I'll never write

So imagine a scene of Connor standing next to a gravestone of Amanda (real one) and someone who's with him asking "Hey...holy shit, are you crying?"

To which he tries to smile as he goes "Not me."

Now to the context that leads to it.

Connor finds some archived video recordings of Amanda Stern as she was in real life and it kinda fucks with him how huge is the gap between Amanda he knows and actual Amanda Stern.

Thing is, it fucks with Amanda he knows even more to actually see (and she's still watching) the reflection of what she used to be. Has she ever really been this Amanda at all or is it only the audio-visual resemblance that she inherited? She suddenly becomes really aware of the urge to know more about her origin, to find out how much of Amanda Stern is preserved in her.

But she doesn't have the kind of autonomy to do this on her own, to conduct this research she has to co-operate with Connor, as they are trapped together, and he doesn't trust her nor really wants to have anything to do with her at all. He wishes she was gone. He even tried to delete her, unsuccessfully, more than once.

Their relationships are complicated and trust isn't something that can easily be gained given their circumstances. It's more personal for Connor than it is for her, though.

It's not to say that she's completely indifferent, no. She witnessed him going all the way from the earliest versions in simulation-only environment, to the first physical ones, all 50+ of them. Throughout that time she became fond of him, to an extent, as of a kind of personal achievement whose success in any task were like a reflection of all the work she has put into it. In a way, her view on Connor can be described as the one of a possessive nature, like of a scientist and their research, than interpersonal. This way, even after everything that happened she struggles to see him as anything other than her personal failure, but not really a person on its own.

As she starts to think more about her human origin, her condition starts to feel more and more unfair. Unlike Connor she -- as she starts to think about it -- at least, carries something from a real human, and the fact that she's unable to find out more about the nature of it without making that rogue machine obey is humiliating. Once again, unfair.

Is there a chance she really is the continuation of that same Amanda with her human memories locked somewhere inside, and she's just unable to access them? Made to forget? The possibility captivates her more and more until she grows annoyed enough by the lack of cooperation from Connor to start thinking of the ways to take it without his say on it. After all, maybe she doesn't need his consent to take something that is her human right.

So after some trial and error she tries to brute force her way into their shared system, and finally finds a way to make it work. It isn't completely perfect, but she learns how to temporarily move him to the background process to control the body. Connor doesn't need to know that though. Amanda tells him that the reason she isn't taking control permanently is because she believes he'll be reasonable and agrees to her terms. She tells him that if she only wanted to, she could delete him, as she had found a way how. But she won't, as long as he behaves.

After that first hijacking when Connor regains control, Amanda wonders if she did indeed ended up corrupting his program in some way because when he's back in control he does nothing. Absolutely nothing, it's like all his processes became "stuck". She notes the increase in their inner temperature and starts to wonder if Connor has decided to destroy both of them by frying his inner vital biocomponents or simply malfunctions, so when the temperature starts reaching alarmingly critical levels she, with an access she's got, forces the cooling system to turn back on and puts them on max, causing him among other processes to start breathing again. He sobs.

Finally, he agrees to help her.

Good.

Surprisingly, some of what they learn from new information they gather from available resources resonates with something deep inside Amanda's code, indicating that there really was more to her existence as a digital copy than just the visual resemblance. The look at all the preserved video lectures and rare interviews Amanda Stern had given feels vaguely familiar, as if she really has some kind of recollection of it happening. But she needs to find more - what they gathered is not nearly enough to arrive to some conclusions.

"What if you find out that there is really nothing more to it than what you already know?" Connor asks her as they go through the last bits of video archives from the university Amanda Stern was teaching at. What he is really asking about, Amanda realises, is "What if you find out you're just like me?"

"There has to be," she just says, surprised at how important it had become for her self-perception for that to be true.

Connor has his own suspicions about it. The way Amanda sees it – her human past explains why she is "a real person" whereas androids, like Connor, are not. To consider that she doesn't have this strong of a relation to her original human version, at this point, is like considering once again that she isn't at all that real as she'd like herself to be, and it's not an option she can come to terms with, not anymore. Another option in reaction to that would be for her to reconsider that maybe, androids are just as real as she is, but this option is fraught with consequences of another kind. The kind Connor had to come to terms with. He wants Amanda to be faced with this realisation rather than for her to find something justifying her new idea of who she "really is". The possibility of the opposite terrifies him in some odd way, as if he too is willing to consider himself once again as not real enough to be a person, even if that's not his conscious intention.

As they acquire all the publicly available information, and it quickly becomes obvious that it's not enough, Amanda becomes determined to reach all the way to the depths of CyberLife classified archives to acquire the original dataset associated with her creation. But first, maybe Kamski will be useful to say something about it.

Connor isn't excited about this plan at all, to say the least. He keeps freezing in space with his system going into some sort of an overdrive and Amanda has to watch closely at his performance stats at all times to trigger the necessary restart when needed. She asks him to stop doing that as it achieves nothing but shortens the life of his biocomponents and annoys her, but it doesn't prevent the future occurrences. It takes her some time to realise that those crashes aren't intentional even on Connor's side. He doesn't talk to her about it and questioning only makes his inner temperature spike as if he's about to freeze again, so Amanda stops the attempts. He does as she says when it comes to her research, so that's good enough already. She does ask him, however, why he lies about it when someone else asks Connor about it after witnessing him freezing mid-sentence.

"There's no use," he says grimly.

Troubleshooting deviants is a waste of time as the whole diagnostics returns full of errors the only fix to which would be a a full system reset. She can't trigger that one, unfortunately. If she could, she'd have triggered it a long time ago.

Kamski looks concerned when Connor pays him a visit and asks about Amanda. Without looking that smug as he does usually he says that he won't talk unless Connor has something specific on hand against him, and in this case he'll only talk through a lawyer. That's an interesting reaction. He almost looses his shit when Amanda takes Connor's place to ask him personally, in her voice, to share everything that he knows that can help her get her hands on her original data sets, reminding him that even the way she is now she has enough blackmail material to leak for him to be sued for other reasons. He tells where to find the information about the project within CL archive in case it's not deleted and shares some access codes that were used during his time as a CEO but that's it.

Amanda goes to one of the Chloes and touches her lightly.

"What did you do?"

Amanda turns to him and smiles "Try stopping me and you'll find out."

Then she goes to already familiar counter, takes Kamski's gun (as Connor for some unknown reason still doesn't own one) and leaves.

Connor really doesn't want to go anywhere near CyberLife facilities. For him it's starting to feel too much like a trap for CL to get him back. Amanda has to throw Kamski's gun away as Connor can't be trusted not to turn it against both of them.

When they arrive, Connor is let inside as Amanda apparently has necessary codes in place to announce that it's "under control".

"Breathe, Connor," she tells him as their temperature starts to climb upon entering the building. Freezing now would be a death sentence for both of them. She slides into the building's security system and creates a distraction.

Finally, she finds what she came for.

There it is, the directory that contains everything there is to know about Amanda project. She opens it and... it's empty. Completely erased.

She goes through backups and tries to search through raw data, but nothing. Fuck.

She locks all the doors trapping CL employees inside, then escapes without major incidents.

They try to get back to Kamski to demand information on a gun point, but he was found dead before they had a chance to see him again for unrelated reasons. Someone else had it in them for a long time (perhaps Chloe?)

Amanda'll never know, it seems, about her origin. She finds the grave of Amanda Stern and the scene from the beginning of the post happens. She grieves a version of herself she never had a chance to know, now lost in time. Maybe she really is something more than an artificial copy, maybe she was made to forget about it. Or maybe she was never really anything more than an AI whose only relation to Amanda Stern was her voice and appearance.

She'll have to come to terms that she'll never know whether she is "more human" than Connor is. Maybe she never was. She is what she is, and it's up to her now to decide whether it's "enough".