#'cause we're weirdos

[cistematicchaos]

Eyyyyy, turns out my reflexes are fucked now, which scared my pain doctor into ordering a bunch of tests!! Another piece of the puzzle, motherfuckers <3

[lagosbratzdoll]

On Daenerys, Colonisation and Race Discourse within the ASOIAF Fandom

This has been on my mind for a good long while and honestly, as much as I would like to leave discourse in the pits, it has been bugging me intermittently over the past few weeks.

Far too many of you get on here and call people who like the fictional dragon-riding family, neo-Nazis and that sentiment is so prevalent, that white people feel comfortable telling me a black woman that I am a neo-Nazi for rooting for Daenerys Targaryen. I am upholding neo-Nazi power fantasies for wanting to see a little girl live at the end of a story. I am a neo-Nazi for wanting to see the rape survivor have the family she aches for and children with the man (or men) she loves.

Then, those same people go on spiels about how the systemic erasure of those who sing the song of the earth and other old races is not colonialism. That their removal from their home is not displacement but an agreement between two equal parties. The fact that the only place where those who sing the song of the earth exist in the present timeline is north of the wall, surrounded by the bones of their dead, is not a travesty. That the expulsion of the old races from their home isn't that bad and should not be condemned. 

Instead, people argue, completely seriously, that the harm that the First Men and Andals have caused is centuries in the past, so essentially the slate has been wiped clean. The logical leaps that are required to arrive at such a boneheaded conclusion are truly mind-boggling, and those who make such arguments are not good people. 

I am unsure how one could read those books and come away with the impression that the old races do not mourn the loss of their home. I am unsure how one could read The Last of the Giants[1] and Ygritte’s reaction to both the song and Jon’s dismissal of the ethnic cleansing of the giants then believe that the old races and the free folk have moved past their displacement. 

In Westeros, from the Wall to the broken arm of Dorne, they all speak one language despite the fact they are all different ethnicities and they all landed on the shores at different times. That is not the case in Essos, we have been introduced to at least six languages and in A Dance with Dragons, Tyrion notes that the Valyrian spoken in the Free Cities has evolved into nine distinct dialects, and they are well on their way to becoming different languages.

How would a continent as large and diverse as Westeros maintain its hegemony over the people if not for forced assimilation, discriminatory practices and violence? The brutal repression required to keep one house in power for thousands of years is nothing to sniff at. The suppression required to keep the vast majority of Westeros worshipping one (or seven) gods. The systems in place ensure that language does not grow or evolve amongst the highborns at least.

Centuries before Aegon's Landing the maesters were the definitive educational authority and even now centuries after, nothing has changed. The grey rats still decide who learns what and when they learn it. There's one in every highborn home, all correspondence passes through them, they are the healers and the councillors.

The circular logic gets even more blockheaded when you factor in the fact that Daenerys is far from the only white character in the books. She is not the only character who wishes for home. She is not the only character who draws strength from her ancestors, her bloodline and her magical creatures. 

Cersei draws strength from her family’s iconography, and the Stark children (Jon included) all draw strength from their direwolves, their home and their blood. Sansa, Arya and Bran wish to return home and their home was built on the indiscriminate murder and displacement of the indigenous peoples. Their home is built on centuries of rape, murder, exclusionary practices and sexual slavery. 

However, if we give the nonsensical argument that time erases crimes air; the Starks, Lannisters and Tullys are warring to settle personal grievances in the present timeline. As a consequence of that war, thousands (a modest guesstimate) of small folk, minor nobles and even some major ones have been raped, tortured, maimed and killed.

Despite all this, no one writes meta after meta about how Sansa and her siblings must surely die for justice to be had for those who sing the song of the earth, the free folk, the giants and all the old races that fled beyond the wall.  

People write meta about Cersei and how she must die, but those are typically more misogynistic nature. They typically argue that she must die not for the “crime” of being Lannister, but for the “crime” of being Cersei and “ruining” Jamie. 

I would not mind criticisms of Dany and her peace-focused approach to ending slavery because the approach is naïve and she gives the slavers far too much ground. However, she is learning, growing and self-critiquing. At the end of A Dance with Dragons, she has decided to embrace fire and blood, her knight is breaking the false peace which is a necessary step forward.

What I find offensive is people saying that she should have planned better before she abolished slavery. And that the death, violence, and sickness that arises from her quest to eradicate slavery is somehow worse than the death, violence, and sickness that already existed in Slaver’s Bay. 

This argument often downplays the horrific conditions and suffering that exist(ed) under the slave system in Slaver's Bay. Such arguments are often in poor taste and prioritise the lives and comforts of the slavers more than the people they have enslaved.

I would not mind criticisms of Dany if people applied that same critique even-handedly. The same people who believe that Jon and Bran have done much to rectify the evil that their ancestors perpetuated believe that Dany has not done anything to right the wrongs of her ethnic kin. They praise them for the non-existent steps that they have taken, but in the same breath, they condemn Dany for not being able to immediately end the plague that is slavery. 

It is perfectly alright to not like fictional characters, no law requires you to like certain fictional characters over others. However, what is not right is making broad accusations about those who do, it is beyond the pale. It is disgusting, and annoying, and trivialises real-world issues to score cheap points against fictional characters.

Equating the survival of a teenage survivor to the restoration of a fascist house or neo-Nazi power fantasy when such designations do not exist in the world of ice and fire is strange behaviour. Saying that the teenage survivor will eventually be manipulated and raped (again) before ending up dead on her manipulator's blade is also strange behaviour. 

Dismissing the horrors of colonialism, especially when the text shows you that the involved parties are still affected by it, is not normal and often veers into real-world imperialism apologia. While criticism and analysis of characters and their actions are valid and even encouraged, it is essential that we do not resort to sweeping generalisations about other people and that we keep criticisms of characters grounded in the text. 

[1]  

Ooooooh, I am the last of the giants, my people are gone from the earth.

The last of the great mountain giants, who ruled all the world at my birth

Oh, the smallfolk have stolen my forests, they’ve stolen my rivers and hills.

And they’ve built a great wall through my valleys, and fished all the fish from my rills

In stone halls they burn their great fires, in stone halls they forge their sharp spears.

Whilst I walk alone in the mountains, with no true companion but tears.

They hunt me with dogs in the daylight, they hunt me with torches by night.

For these men who are small can never stand tall, whilst giants still walk in the light.

Oooooooh, I am the LAST of the giants, so learn well the words of my song.

For when I am gone the singing will fade, and the silence shall last long and long.

[warlordfelwinter]

fan mail

[graveposting]

okay maybe i haven't been Around Here for long enough to run into drama or folks being genuinely nasty at each other... but how come that this little fandom of an extremely unhealthy toxic incest game somehow is a lot more wholesome and pleasant than those of less "problematic" media

[x-vurgundy]

Have you ever seen someone scrolling through Tumblr at a metro station, on the street, or in a café?

[blujayonthewing]

tfw the hairstyle makes such a big difference in overall appearance that you have to also do the usual one real quick just to make sure you didn’t actually mess up the face

[landofgay]

I'm romantically and sexually attracted to Mark Mothersbaugh's fucked up guitar

[palin-tropos]

.

[yusukenui]

i never realized that the shogun's only form of public apology to the inazuman folk was... over a bulletin board message. and that was final.

[heyitscel]

I also would love to remind folks that a lot of people who left Tumblr are creatives of color

Why do you think so many of us left/walked away from here in the first place?

[vampfucker666]

i think i should probably start setting internet limits for myself or at least like. no Endless Posts websites (so like wikipedia reading or internet exploring is ok. cause i cant KEEP doing that for HOURS upon hours) for more than x amount of time thing bc i really think it has done something awful to my brain. like i need to be insane in ways that make my brain work a little bit.

[clandestineloki]

strawberry bliss (nsfw)

the part 2 to strawberry sweet ❤️

summary: miguel loves using his strength on you ;)) and this little snippet of you guys watching a replay of his recent game shows just that, with some sweet lil fluff and playful banter :)) and then miguel fucks u so good he hits your factory reset and you go back to being a lil shy babie around him oh no :3

tw: he also finds out you have a daddy kink, mention of shane dawson (derogatory), mention of physical violence (bros a wrestler what did you expect), overstimulation, a bit of breeding kink, heavy praise kink, a bit of humiliation but on the sweet side

A/N: this takes place about a year or so after strawberry sweet, where miguel and reader are in an established relationship and make quippy cute banter with each other

A/N # 2: pls reblog so we can turn more ppl into whores 💖

💕 hope you enjoy! 

===

"BABYY THE COMMERCIALS ARE OVER!"

Miguel runs from the bathroom and meets you in the kitchen, you with the tray of strawberry drinks squealing as he tickles your waist.

"AHH IT'S GONNA SPILL!!!" you scream, and he backs off, smiling as you regain your balance.

You balance the smoothie cups on the tray and move forward, but Miguel blocks your way. 

"M'scuse me, I have a game to watch," you pout up at him, but he doesn't budge.

"Mister, my boyfriend will be very angry if he finds out I'm late to the game >:( "

"Aww, such a shame, pretty girl... can't I just get a little kiss?"

"Let me through!"

"Can't, hermosa, you gotta say the password right up against my lips~ the password is mwah mwah mwah i love you miguel you're so handsome miguel~"

"You're cheesy," you roll your eyes, and he laughs as you set the tray down in front of the bed facing the TV. "I want the old Miguel back, he was cute and he had actual rizz."

He slumps against the couch. "The Miguel that was a total pervert over your old smoothie girl uniform?"

"Oh my gosh, I totally forgot about the uniform!" You giggle. "I hated it. Did you know on my first day they gave me a size too small and they had the audacity to try and gaslight me by saying I got fat?"

"Fucking weirdos," he pulled you into his arms, your back against his chest." Glad I got you out of that mess, mm?"

"It was just one mess into another, Mig, you made me your sugar baby," you tease, and his face scrunches up.

"Bebita, I may be rich but I'm not your sugar daddy. I'm just two years older than you."

"But think about it, I was sixteen when you were eighteen! Like- that's two years but the maturity difference is huge! That's creepy, Miguel. You wanna go to jail?"

"Ay, por dios. We're in our twenties, we met in our twenties. End of discussion. And I've already been to jail. Twice."

"What?!"

"Ay! ay! end of discussion. The match is starting," he pinches your nose then turns to watch the TV just as the host's opening spiel ends. Miguel feels you sit up in his grip when the crowds on the TV cheer as he comes up on screen, flashing a grin to the audience.

"Ew, who's that?" you mumble, cheeks stuffed with popcorn and Miguel snorts, rolling his eyes.

"That's me, your boyfriend, the guy who's gonna absolutely obliterate downgraded Shane Dawson in about..." he snaps his fingers just as his opponent comes out on screen. "Fifty-eight seconds."

"I really don't see the resemblance, Miggy, you're just being a bully."

"Y'know," he pulls you closer, absentmindedly kissing your neck as he feels you squirm in his hold. "I don't get how you let the physical violence slide but I compare some white guy to Shane Dawson and you call me a bully."

Your face heats up a little, and you turn away, mumbling shyly. "C-cause you look really badass when you throw them around like that... "

"Mmm?" he teases, nuzzling his nose in your neck. "I do?"

He feels you freeze up and chuckles, his hands trailing down to your thighs.

"Y-yeah," you whisper... "a bit..."

"Oh, and you like how strong I am, hmm? Is that what it is?"

It's cute how you shake your head and brush his hands away to turn up the volume on the TV, when he just goes right back to kneading your breasts and riling you up.

"Querida, you gotta answer me, y'know I can't understand you when you mumble like that~"

"What was the question?" you mumble, looking up at him with what he knows for sure are the most adorable bunny eyes he's ever fucking seen.

"I said," he nibbles down on your ear with a little growl, "do you get off like a cute little bunny when I show off? Is my baby that kinky~?"

" I-I... maybe..." you twitch as his fingers toy with your nipples. "Miggy, please..."

"Please what baby? Please stop or please give me more?" 

Miguel knows the answer, obviously. It's just that he can't get over the fact that he landed the prettiest girl with the cutest stutter when she's nervous.

"Please..." you whisper.

He chuckles against your ear, leaning in and lowering his voice just the way he knows you like it, especially when he's buried all the way inside you.

"Please what."

The tiniest gasp comes out of your lips. "Please... please f-fuck me... please?" 

Before you can even finish, you're over his shoulder and on the bed as he kisses everywhere on your face, growling at the inconvenience of the fact that he cant hold you still and fondle your chest at the same time.

"M-Miguel..." you whimper, twitching in sensitivity. "You're always teasing me..."

"Oh?" he mocks you, flipping you over on your stomach and gripping your hips, leaning in real slow to drawl darkly in your ear. "I'm the tease here? When you're shaking your little ass all over me? You rile me up like this and expect me not to fuck you the way you deserve? hmm?"

"S-Sorry..." you mumble, and Miguel laughs breathily, having the time of his life making you all shy and embarrassed.

"S'okay, baby, you just gotta make up for it, yeah?"

With a playful swat to your ass, he rips off your shorts and his fingers tease your folds through your panties.

"Miguel..."

"Yes...?" he kisses the arch in your back, smirking when your thighs tremble.

"Please hurry..." you gasp.

"Don't worry baby, you'll be asking me to slow down real soon~" 

===

His favorite sight of all time is you underneath him, with that blissed out look on your face and your chest heaving as he fucks every choked breath out of those pretty lips.

"Fuck, bebita," he whispers. "Creaming all over my fingers like the cute little plaything you are?"

You whimper, closing your thighs shakily, but his free hand just forces your legs apart and he curls his two fingers in you, tickling your pussy and making his hand even wetter.

"Hmm? What did you say?" Miguel mumbles close to your ear, and makes sure that at the precise moment you try to speak he speeds up his fingers, making your words melt away in warm red pleasure as more juices coat his fingers.

"S'too much..."

"Bebita, you asked for this," he whispers darkly. "We're not even halfway done."

You mewl out his name and turn your head to the side. He takes it as an opportunity to bite down on your neck and relish in the high-pitched pleasure drunk squeal that forces out of you as your little pussy sucks in his fingers.

"Shit. I can't take it anymore," he grumbles, his fingers moving even faster as he leans closer, forcing you flat against the bedsheets as you moan and cream all over his fingers like a cute little bunny, just too pleasure-drunk to utter even a word.

"Come for me baby," Miguel almost begs. "Come for me so I can fuck you the way I know you want me too, okay?"

You gasp at his dirty talk, and he laughs at the fact that you never stop getting shy when he says these things.

Or when your little pussy makes those wet noises when you're really really close.

"Fuck you're so cute," Miguel grins, licking the tears falling from your hazy eyes. "So sweet, letting me do whatever I want with you~ Come for me, gatita, you know you want to~"

Your moans make him grin and he thumbs at your sensitive little bud. His teasing sends you over the edge and you gasp and whimper, clinging onto him as he helps you through your third orgasm.

When you come down from it, Miguel is smirking down at you, and licking his fingers clean of your juices, humming lowly as his tongue traces his long fingers sensually.

"Wanna taste it right off your pretty pussy baby," he whispers, making you blush. "But I'll save that for later~"

He really means he'll save it for when you're too fucked out to close your pretty legs around his head.

Miguel kisses your hips as he flips you over again, tracing his rough hands over your ass and thighs, making you shiver and mumble something he almost can't hear.

"Daddy..."

His wandering hands freeze.

He grins.

"What was that?" he teases.

Your breath stutters.

"What- I-"

He leans in dangerously close, pinning you down on the bed with your ass right against his throbbing hard cock.

"What did you just call me?" he drawls, and you whimper.

"I-I called you Daddy," you bury your head in the pillows. "S-Sorry... if it makes you uncomfortable-"

Miguel thrusts his hips forward, sinking halfway into your wet, warm little cunt. The squelching of your little hole is nothing compared to the pure, unadulterated, sinful noise of pleasure that leaves your lips.

"Oh," Miguel groans. "That made me reallyfuckin' uncomfortable alright."

Your thighs shake as he sinks in really really slowly, making sure you feel every inch of him stretch you out.

"Say it again."

You gasp, tears forming in your eyes. "It's embarrassing..."

"Fuck, you really have to do all these things that make you so lovable, huh?" He groans, pulling your wrists and holding your arms behind your back. "Got the cutest little face, the cutest little pussy, and you always got these little kinks that make you so cute~"

He starts moving his hips, making you slur out his name and clench around him.

"My cute little milkshake girl, doing all these cute things for me and no one else," he whispers, and you nod helplessly,

Miguel runs his hands up and down your waist, making you sigh and whimper into the pillows.

"Wanna repeat what you said? No one's around, baby, just you and me. No need to be shy~"

"Daddy..."

"Fuck, you really are such the perfect little cutie, aren't you?" Miguel teases, pounding you harder.

It's music to his ears when you finally get to that stage of it, just uncontrollably whimpering and moaning and making all these noises of pleasure as you let him do whatever he wants to you.

"C'mon, say it again, another time won't hurt~"

"Such a t-tease..." you whine, and he chuckles fondly, pressing a kiss to your sensitive neck.

"Sorry, baby, not my fault you're so fucking adorable," he groans, shuddering when you clench down on him. "Daddy's close, baby, wanna come with me? Feel good together, hmm? Can you even understand me you dumb little baby?"

Miguel coos as you take in high-pitched breaths and gasps. Your tiny fists clench the sheets shakily, and your thighs thump helplessly with every thrust of his hips.

"Come back to me, baby," he whispers as his thrusts get sloppier. "Help me out one list time, kay? Wanna be my good girl?"

"Mhm..."

"Ah," he laughs. "Daddy broke his pretty baby so bad? Sorry, gatita, you just feel too good. Let's come together, okay? I'll get us there, baby~"

You whimper loudly one last time, creaming helplessly around his cock. Miguel pins your back down onto the bed, leaning in and growling right against your ear as his orgasm takes over as well, making sure you take every bit of his cum inside you.

The twitching of your thighs finally slows as Miguel pulls out, turning you onto your back and lightly running his hands up your thighs, waist, and breasts, kneading them softly and eliciting a whine from your lips.

"So sensitive," he pinches your nipple, making you gasp. "But I'll keep my hands to myself... for now."

You blush at those words, nuzzling into his neck as he chuckles at your bashfulness.

"Didn't know my good little girl had a Daddy kink. So cute," he whispers. "Got the sweetest little baby all to myself~."

Miguel brushes his lips against yours, smiling when he tastes a hint of strawberry,

His second favorite sweet thing in the goddamn world.

"Oh, baby~" he coos. "You felt so fucking good. Can we go again, gatita?"

You whimper, twitching helplessly, and blushing at the feeling of his fingers toying with the cum trickling down your thighs.

But you don't say no.

[personal-venting-blog]

Oh great it's the one year anniversary of the incident that my family forgot but I sure as hell did not. Fucking fantastic.

[sunkissed-zegras]

loving the uconn wbb manger fics bestie!! could you do one where she makes tiktoks with the girls?

𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐃𝐔𝐍𝐊 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐄 ─ UCONN WBB MANAGER

౨ৎ ─ summary | water dunk questoons with kk, paige and manager during offseason!

─ word count | 736

─ warnings | light language, lots of teasing (mostly paige and kk), comments being funny af, nothin else

─ taglist | @xocherishxo @iienstein @yazmunson @euphternal @uraesthete @hello-nah817 @wanderlusturous and here's a link to my taglist if anyone would like to join!!

"HEY GUYS, IT'S your favorite trio," KK spoke enthusiastically as she waved dramatically.

"We're doing the water dunk trend and whoever gets the least points gets to buy dinner, yaya!" You explained with a grin as you took a seat in the chair in front of the water bucket, while Paige and KK sit behind you with a devilish smirk.

Paige grips your head as you send her a mock glare. "What's my birthday?"

You scoffed with a laugh. "This is light work, October 20, 2001."

"Damn it," Paige pretended to storm off as KK sends her a side glare.

KK chuckles as Paige dramatically storms off, then leans in closer to you with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "What's my favorite class?"

"It's a trick question, you hate all your classes." You responded slowly as you watched KK's expression carefully. KK scoffeed dramatically as she walked away and sat in your seat.

Paige comes back into frame and then holds KK's head with a small snicker. "Uh... what's my favorite color?"

KK looked alarmed as her eyes widened at the camera, laughing nervously. KK's eyes dart around, trying to come up with an answer on the spot. "Uh... purple? No, wait, pink! No, uh..."

Paige didn't even give her time to process before she dunked her head in the bowl, causing a loud laugh from you as you shook your head.

KK emerges from the water bucket spluttering and laughing, her hair dripping wet as she shoots a playful glare at Paige. "Bro, you're a liar. You're so annoying."

"It's blue, are you dumb?" Paige mumbled as she walked off screen, KK bursts into laughter, shaking her head as she tries to regain her composure.

You walk behind her with a sympathetic smile as you send Paige a glare. "I'll go easy on you, what's my favorite food?"

"Pasta," KK answered quickly with a proud smirk as Paige groans off-camera. KK sends her a cackle as she gets out of the chair, Paige taking her place in front of the the bowl.

KK walked behind her as she rubbed her hands together schemingly, a smirk playing on her lips.KK leans in behind Paige, her eyes gleaming with mischief. "Alright, Paige, let's see how well you know me. What's my favorite artist?"

"As in like... singers?" Paige clarified sending the camera a knowing smirk, as KK smirked. "Easy, Sexy Red."

"Wrong!" She dunked Paige's head roughly in the bowl as you bursted out in laughter, unable to hold it in as you watched Paige emerge from the water, laughing. "It's actually SZA."

"You're a damn liar," Paige glared toward KK as you clenched your stomach in laughter, shaking your head. You walked onto the frame and grabbed Paige's head as she sent you a smirk.

You hummed as you squinted, trying to think of a good question as Paige looked up at you. "Okay, okay. Um, what was my first pet that's still alive?"

KK looked confused as she looked at the camera and mouthed 'the fuck' as Paige laughed. "Easy, it's your chihuahua named Grace, she's like 20 years old."

You laughed out loud as Paige glanced at the camera smugly with a smirk. You let go of her head as she stuck out her tongue at you, KK rolling her eyes as she pushed her out the chair.

"How the heck do you know that, weirdo?" KK sent Paige a smirk she just shrugged. "This is the biggest Y/N fan right here."

Paige sent KK a glare. "I'm not a damn fan, I'm just a good friend."

KK raises an eyebrow, a teasing grin spreading across her face as she glances at the camera. "Sure, sure, whatever helps you sleep at night, Paige."

Paige scoffs, crossing her arms defiantly. "I am not! I just happen to pay attention to my friends, unlike some people."

You sent the girls a glare. "Can you guys stop arguing, you're giving me a headache. Anyway, who won?"

"Oh shit," Paige and KK exchanged looks as they burst out in laughter. "We forgot to keep score."

You groaned dramatically and pushed your head into your hands as Paige and KK kept laughing.

"Anyways guys, let us know who won in the comments cus we're dumb and forgot to keep score," KK gave the camera a thin-lipped smile as Paige kept laughing in the background. "K, bye guys."

──── COMMENTS

haley 💥 | i love y/n sm it's crazy 😭 ♡ 1.8k

urfavuconnluvr | there's no way y/n and paige aren't dating ♡ 120

↳ liz 🌻 | they can't look at each other without some saying this. the girls are just friends pls don't make this another rudy and madison situation

↳ hales :p | bro everyone has fucking dating rumors on the damn team, it's really not that serious... relax 😊

cameron! | y/n's facial expressions are so HILARIOUS i can't 😭 ♡ 1k

fav taurus 😶 | we need more kk, y/n and paige content pls!!!!!!!!!! ♡ 2.7k

↳ KK Arnold · creator | idk if i can do that, paige is getting on my nerves

↳ fav taurus 😶 | LMAOOOO KK PLEASE😭

💁🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️ | wait does y/n have a gf ??????? ♡ 762

↳ becca 🙏🏽 | bro ain't no way 🤣

y/n's bitch 💛 | we need more edits of our queen y/n, please 😭 she's sooo hot ♡ 2k

↳ 😍😍 | just look up y/n edits theres so many 💀

↳ make sure to check out my navigation or masterlist if you enjoyed! any interaction is greatly appreciated !

↳ thank you for reading all the way through, as always ♡

[delusional-dinosaurr]

Not So Sneaky (Lia Walti x Reader)

“Vic please just pass the fucking ball” You whine at your best friend, Victoria Pelova. She chuckles in response and passes it back with a bit of flair. 

“Show off, keep it for the matches, yeah?” You smirk as she elbows you during some 1v1 practice.

“Foul! Ref!” You say rolling around on the floor pretending to be injured, quickly followed by Victoria attacking your ribs, causing you to burst out laughing.

“Alright love birds, we’ve got an important match to prepare for!” Katie helps you up from the ground after your assault from your best friend. Jonas gets you all to rotate partners and eventually you’re paired up with Lia Wälti, who you’ve been quietly crushing on since you signed for the team at the same time as Victoria during the January transfer window, both coming from Ajax. 

“Promise I won’t nutmeg you this time” You joke with Lia as you do your regular training activities. “You better not, I saw what you pulled on Katie earlier” Lia jokes in response, referencing how you nutmegged the co-captain as she was attempting to tackle you earlier on, causing her to be at the end of a lot of jokes so far today.

“Ah, who am I kidding, I can’t resist it, can I?” You wink, going to nutmeg her during your 1v1, with her expertly managing to stop it and successfully nutmegging you in the process. You fake collapsing in shock at how you’d finally been nutmegged by a teammate.

“You…you traitor!” You reach your arm out to Lia as you crawl towards her, as if you are so injured from the ‘embarrassment’ from being nutmegged.

“God you’re so dramatic” She rolls her eyes as she helps you up, instantly you feel the warmth in your body at the contact between the both of you being much closer than you have been before, your chests basically touching. You both stop and are lost looking into each other's eyes for a few moments, until Vic’s cough to your side breaks you out of your trance.

“Was I interrupting something?” Vic raises an eyebrow in your direction suspiciously.

“Nope, I was just helping Y/N up after I finally nutme-” “WOAH! What Lia was saying is that I fell over and she helped me up” You cut in, Lia looks at you even more suspicious than Vic was.

“Okay….weirdo. Y/N are we still going out tonight?” Vic asks you.

“Of course we are, you know I wouldn’t miss out on our Wednesday night date night!” You wiggle your eyebrows suggestively. 

“I’m gonna go get changed, I’ll catch you guys later” Lia rushes off.

“What’s her problem?” Katie walks over and asks, seeing Lia jogging off the pitch.

“No idea, we were just talking about mine and Vics wednesday night date night tonight?” You shrug.

“Y/N you idiot, you’ve been flirting with her and then making you and Vic sound like you’re together?” Katie smacks the back of your head. 

“Wait what? I don’t get it?” You look at her confused.

“Sorry mate, you need to work this out for yourself, not me” Katie jogs off going after Lia.

“It's okay, we're fine, we're fine.” You sigh. 

“Y/N/N maybe it's time you start dropping more hints for her. We can ditch our date night and you can always ask her out instead?” Vic suggests, you tilt your head in confusion. 

“But what about our date nights?” You ask. 

“Y/N get a grip, we can still hang out but you need to make a move” Vic says sternly. You nod and jog to the changing rooms a few minutes later to find Katie walking out giving you a supportive thumbs up. You walk in to see Lia half dressed and just pulling her shirt over her head, you manage to catch a glance at her toned stomach before panicking and turning away. 

“Oh god sorry I didn't mean to walk in on you like this” You panic, visibly flush and flustered. Lia chuckles in response and sits down on the bench, she motions for you to sit in front of her. 

“Okay right, I'm nervous as hell but I just have to get it all out. Lia I, I like you, like a lot. I don't know how it started but I've just been kinda admiring you from afar, no wait that sounded creepy. Okay maybe I did but I just, I'm not good with feelings but… I know I really do have feelings for you” You mumble really quickly, nerves getting the better of you. 

“But… What about Pelova? You seem to be very close” Lia asks with a somewhat sad expression on her face.

“Oh we aren't together, she's not my type anyway” You laugh. 

“Then.. What is your type?” Lia asks suggestively. 

You gulp, feeling a sudden rush of confidence flowing through you. 

“I'd say my type is brown hair… Likes football, plays for Arsenal, is Swiss, wears number 13–” You get stopped by the midfielders lips crashing into yours. It feels as if your body could go completely limp with how breathtaking her kiss feels, finally after all this time pining. After a few minutes you eventually break away. 

“Wow that was…” You say, again with the same flustered face as before. 

“Are you free tonight?” She asks. 

“Yep! Vic made me cancel our date night so I'd finally ask you out” You chuckle earning a glare and a shove in return. 

____

The next morning you wake up with a weight on your chest, Lia’s head resting on it with her hair all over her face. You gently brush her hair out of her face which slowly wakes her up.

“Good morning” You smirk.

“Good morning, I’m sorry if that was a bit much last night” Lia blushes trying to hide her face in her bed covers.

“Lia we literally had a make out session and pizza, it’s not like we had sex on the first date or anything…that’s the third date” You wink, obviously joking.

“God you’re so annoying” She rolls her eyes as she starts getting out of bed, you can’t help but admire her as she stretches, again you find your eyes roaming her body subconsciously until she breaks your focus by moving closer to you.

“You sure you want to wait until the third date?” She says positioning herself on your lap, in her shorts and sports bra.

“Uh…I…Um” You feel your face heating up as the midfielder smirks at you.

“I’m kidding…unless?” She winks, pressing her lips to yours and gently pinning you to the bed. 

____

It's been around six months since you and Lia finally made your relationship official, and yet it was still only you two and your families that knew about the relationship. You both decided to keep it quiet for a while as you didn't want people to know, so that you had time to figure stuff out and make sure you didn't let it have any effect on your games, as well as just having some privacy. 

Luckily all it had done was make you play better and be in a better mood, no one was suspicious until recently, you had a feeling people were noticing the longing looks you gave each other and the way you'd blush more at team events. You knew you needed to tell someone so today was going to be that day. You were driving Vic to training and she spotted something that you clearly didn't hide as well as you thought. 

“Uh… Y/N..? What is that on your neck?” She says poking your very visible hickey on your neck. You instantly blush, having vivid memories of the previous night, hearing the Swiss girl uttering your name all night.

“What are you talking about?” You panic, covering where she is pointing with your hand.

“The hickey Y/N I’m not stupid” She rolls her eyes “No wonder you’ve been less stressed, Y/N/N has been getting laaaaaid” Vic sings.

“Shut up” You groan.

“You gonna tell me who did it, so I can cover this up for you?” She tilts her head at you, motioning with the emergency makeup bag you keep in your car for you and your friends.

“I need you to promise you won't tell anyone” She nods as you pull into the car park, your phone pinging with a message from Lia, which unfortunately is connected to your car.

“One new message from Lia: I got the stuff for dinner tonight! I love you, see you at training x”

“Nevermind you didn’t need to say anything” Vic smirks, giving you a knowing look.

“Uhhhh, me and Lia have just been hanging out?” You say a bit higher pitch than usual.

“You know better than to lie to me Y/N. Why wont you tell anyone?” She sighs at you. You turn the car engine off and sigh, Vic has the makeup brushes at the ready and starts covering your hickey for you.

“Look mate, we were worried it’d change the team dynamic, especially if there’s some weird feelings with her and Caitlin still playing for the same team, and if we get distracted. Basically we’ve had a lot of time privately and it’s been so nice” You ramble.

“Well I don’t think it would or even has changed anything, Caitlin still cares about Lia, but as a friend and I highly doubt there would be any hard feelings y’know? You need to at least tell Jonas or a coach to be safe” She suggests.

“You’re right…” You both get out of your car once she is done applying makeup to your neck, and you head towards the main building, you search around for Jonas and eventually stumble upon him, stuck in conversation with your girlfriend.

“...but what I’m trying to say Jonas is, me and Y/N won’t let it affect how we play or work, if anything I think we’ve improved recently” Lia says.

“Ah Y/N! Great timing, I’m sure you’ve just overheard but Lia told me about your relationship, obviously it’s none of my business but I can tell the difference in how you two have been playing and just in general. Only positive things!” Jonas pats you on the shoulder “I have no issues with it of course, I’m happy for you both for finding each other”.

“Thanks Jonas, means a lot, like really” You give him a hug, the man being somewhat of a mentor to you over the previous year.

“Tell the team when you feel you’re ready. Remember we are a family, we support each other” He says nodding over to the groups of girls in the gym, all getting on with their own thing.

“Yeah maybe we should do it sooner rather than later, no more hiding this” You look at Lia who nods in agreement. You reach out for her hand as you both walk hand in hand into the gym to meet the others, somehow no one saw your intertwined hands. Lia decides to go on a treadmill rather than lift weights with you, so she gives you a kiss on the cheek before walking off. Jen seems to be the only one who spots it and within minutes walks over to you.

“Excuse me, what was that earlier?” Jen looks at you wide eyed.

“What?” You smirk.

“How long has this been going on for then?” She smiles, seeming proud.

“About 6 months, we’ve been pretty private with it and we wanted to make sure we were settled before saying anything” You say.

“Oi did I see Wally kiss you on the cheek? Where’s mine?” Beth comes over and slings her arm over your shoulder.

“Sorry Beth, pretty sure that’s only for her girlfriend” Jen teases.

“Since when?” Beth shouts.

“Why are we yelling over here?” Viv walks over, visibly confused and attempting to hush Beth. Lia takes the opportunity to hop off the treadmill and save you from the commotion. As she gets closer you start smiling over at her.

“Hey beautiful, you looked like you needed rescuing” She smiles reaching for your hand.

“Ah I had it under control, see?” You nod over to the girls you were talking with, who are all now gobsmacked at what they’ve seen and heard.

____

Later on that day you both get ready at Lia’s house, she’s wearing jeans and a crop top with a plaid shirt over the top but not buttoned up. You on the other hand went with a casual hoodie and jeans. 

“Darling, do we really have to go out with the girls tonight?” You groan seeing your girlfriend getting ready. “We could just stay at home…” you continue, trailing your finger from her chest to her abs. 

“Later, if you’re good” she kisses you hungrily and leaves the bedroom with a wink in your direction, as you audibly groan and flop back onto the bed.

“Come on! Our uber has arrived!” Lia yells from the other room.

“You mean Viv?” You chuckle getting your shoes on.

“Of course, who else?” She laughs.

You get into Viv and Beth’s car. You and Beth spend the journey singing in the back of the car whilst Viv and Lia chat at the front. After a short while you eventually park up and all walk to the venue the team had hired for the night. 

You and Lia are still somewhat wary of being affectionate in public, so walk side by side but not hand in hand.

Once you arrive at the club, you get yourself and the others a drink from the bar and return to find everyone crowding around some tables and having their own conversations, you take Beth and Viv their drinks first followed by Lia’s.

“Here you go, gorgeous” You pass her the drink and subtly kiss her cheek, she smiles at you, as you float around, being the social butterfly that you are.

____

A bit later on, after more drinks have been, well drunk, the group are getting rowdier and more daring, literally.

“Katie I dare you to do a backflip off that table” Kyra points over at the table for the Irishwoman to backflip from.

“Nope! Absolutely none of that here” Kim said, patting Kyra on the back with a chorus of boos coming from some of you. Your girlfriend approaches you in the area everyone seems to be dancing in. 

“I miss you” She says pouting. 

“Babe we’re literally at the same party with our friends, I was standing with you like 15 minutes ago” you say quietly. 

“Yeah but I always want to be with you” She frowns.

“Alright if we are still daring people to do shit, I dare Y/N to kiss Vic!” Kyra slurs. 

“I don't think that's a good idea, I've got a cold after all” Vic lies, everyone falling for it. 

“Fuck who else will she kiss then? Gotta get Y/N out there, she’s been single for way too long” Katie jokes as she makes eye contact with Lia “Wally how about you?” She asks with her usual cocky smirk on her face. 

“Sure. It's just a quick peck after all, right?” She smiles. 

“OI! Kissing is too easy, I want a dramatic kiss! Make me believe you're in a relationship or something, I don't know!” Jen pipes up sarcastically, smirking at you after finding out about you both earlier in the day.  You and Lia look at eachother and shrug as if to say ‘fuck it’. 

She leans forward and pulls you in by the hoodie covering your chest. You gulp in response, knowing that you find her even more attractive when she’s being bossy. She passionately kisses you and brings her hands up to the back of your neck whilst you rest yours on her lower back slowly drifting lower.

“Oi you two, save it for the bedroom yeah?” Katie yells to the group, you lift one hand from Lia’s back to raise a middle finger up at Katie hearing a chorus of cheers when you do so. Eventually you break apart, blushing whilst Lia is grinning at your friends who witnessed it. 

“Christ it's like you guys are dating or something” Leah says from the side, giving you a wink and head tilt to follow her. 

“Right, I'm not as dumb as these idiots, how long?” Leah asks you. 

“Around 6 months” You confess seeing a giant grin start to emerge on Leah's face. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, it's just..” She interrupts you.

“Y/N I've had an idea that there was something between you for a little while, and I know it's nice to have privacy and stuff, so I understand” She hugs you, you continue chatting to the side about how you should tell Kim as soon as possible, being the team mum after all. You hear singing get louder as karaoke starts, an idea springing to mind. 

“Wait right here I've got a great idea” You say, patting Leah's shoulders and stumbling off. You yell out to Kim, who's watching the karaoke unfold. 

“Kim, I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner but me and Wally are seeing each other” You blurt out when you get to her. 

“I thought so! You guys seem happy, so I'm happy, ah I feel like a proud parent!” She hugs you tightly. “Have you told many people yet?”. 

“No… But I have an idea on how!” You pat Kim’s shoulders as you walk over to the woman running the karaoke for the team and put in your request, but not for you to sing. When it's your song you walk up to take the microphone from Steph who was just belting Untouched by the Veronica's and hand it to Leah, who nods over at your girlfriend standing alone, watching you. You hear the opening notes to Lover by Taylor Swift as you take Lia's hands into yours on the makeshift dance floor.

“This one goes out to the lovers over there” she points at you and Lia before she starts singing. 

“I love you” You mumble into her ear as you slow dance together, she responds with a loving kiss which has you both gasping for air afterwards. As you break away from your kiss you notice most of the room's eyes are focused on the two of you, knowing looks and shocked ones too, alongside cheering, whistling and the odd “Go on Y/N!”. You avert your eyes from the girls surrounding you in a circle and focus on the beauty in your arms, her eyes sparkling as she looks up at you.

After you finish dancing you're bombarded with questions from teammates, some a little inappropriate and some very sweet. 

“How long has this been going on?” Steph asks. 

“Around 6 months, we kept it quiet in an attempt to not mess with the team dynamic” You say. The questions die out and you eventually get to sit back down in a booth with your girlfriend and some of your teammates. 

“Okay Lia I hate to be the one to ask it… But Y/N is so clumsy how on earth are you able to…have y’know… Seriously” Vic slurs, your face flushing red. 

“Luckily her clumsiness doesn't affect her… Performance” Lia winks at you. Some of the girls are trying to get more details, as you decide to dismiss yourself to get yourself another drink. 

“Y’alright?” Katie asks you at the bar. 

“They're talking about my sex life so I'm here now” You chuckle, tapping your card to pay for your beer. 

“Oh what! Let's go then!” Katie drags you back over to the girls. 

“-but yeah she's so attentive and honestly, the best I've had” Lia finishes her sentence as you slide back in, groaning as they're still talking about sex. 

“Y/N we've heard it all, no need to be shy. Your turn now anyway” Jen winks jokingly, with Alessia cracking up as you slam your head down onto the table. As you lift your head back up you catch Lia yawning and give her the look of ‘home soon?’.

You walk off again to chat with some of the girls to avoid discussing your sex life, and feel your phone vibrate. 

From Lia - 

You have been good today… So how about we go home and I show you something I got for you? 

“Someones getting laid tonight” Leah smirks at your red face.

“What? No it’s just warm in here” You chuckle.

“Bullshit, I can see Lia giving you ‘the eyes’ from over there” Nodding in the direction of your lover, who was indeed giving you the eyes, causing you to look back down at your phone which Leah is also looking at. “Mate, are you stupid? Go home!” She pushes you towards where Lia is sitting.

“Lee this isn’t necessary” You groan approaching your girlfriend.

“Wally take your girlfriend home, she’s being all awkward” Leah chuckles “Have a good night ladies” she winks as she slides away from you both. 

“Right I need to take this one home as she’s a bit too drunk, you guys need a lift?” Viv comes over right on time, you both nod and help her lug Beth back to the car. The short drive eventually ends outside Lia’s house, you say your thanks and goodbyes to the couple as you head into Lia’s house. You shrug off your coat and take off your shoes, but you notice your girlfriend has run upstairs to her bedroom. 

“Oh it’s so on Wally” you mumble to yourself as you jog up the stairs, the girl waiting in her room for you.

“Eager are we?” You smirk going over to her.

“Well I did tell you you’d be rewarded so” She smirks, pushing you firmly down onto your bed. You’re usually the one ‘in charge’ but it seems Lia had a different idea tonight as she tells you to stay still. She slowly removes her jacket, putting on quite the show for you. You try to reach out to help her with her clothes but she slaps your hands away. 

“Ah ah, no touching” She tuts. 

“Right, if you don’t do something soon I’m going to eat you alive” You growl, causing a quiet moan to slip from Lia.

“Well if you weren't already saying that, then you'll definitely say it now” Lia smirks, lifting her shirt up over her head and slowly dragging her trousers down and revealing a new lacy black lingerie set that could easily kill you with how stunning she looks.

“Oh my god” You mutter.

“Now… How about we go back to how you were going to eat me alive?” Lia says suggestively, pushing you down on her bed.

“It’d be my pleasure baby” You smirk. 

____

WE ARE SO BACK! Will be a return to posting a bit more frequently!

[gardenschedule]

What Happened In India?

(or around that time...)

Before

Shortly before we were due to leave for India John spent the weekend with Derek Taylor, a former journalist who had become the Beatles' press spokesman and a good friend to us all. He, his wife Joan and their five children lived in a big country house where they seemed incredibly contented. When he came home after that weekend John put his arms around me and said, 'Let's have loads more kids, Cyn, and be really happy' Despite my increasingly strong feeling that John was slipping away from me, it seemed at moments like that as though nothing had changed. John was off drugs and seemed almost like his old self. 'We can make it work, Cyn,' he said. 'When we're in India we'll have time for us and everything will be fine.' I hoped he was right.

John (Cynthia Lennon)

Cyn hoped that Rishikesh would afford seclusion, privacy and an opportunity for her and John to rediscover each other and to revive their marriage. ‘Impossible hopes,’ she said sadly. ‘John said to me just before we went to India that he wanted us to have more children. Well that came out of the blue, I can tell you. I was really surprised, as he’d never said a word about that before.

Lesley-Ann Jones - The Search for John Lennon

Cynthia: “It was a time for us all to drop out for a while. The years of fame and fortune had taken their toll on our nerves and minds. John and I both felt closer. There seemed to be a greater possibility of our finding a solution to personal difficulties. If our trip to India wasn’t going to solve our emotional problems, then nothing would.”

The Beatles Off the Record (Keith Badman)

That letter made it crystal clear that they [John and Yoko] had been in contact. How well had they got to know one another? I tackled John, who told me she'd written many times, both letters and cards, but said, 'She's crackers, just a weirdo artist who wants me to sponsor her. Another nutter wanting money for all that avant-garde bullshit. It's not important.' I had no way of knowing whether he was telling me the truth. He sounded genuine, but a sixth sense told me there was more to this than he was admitting. I tried to put it to the back of my mind. We were going to India, and I wanted that to be a special time for us.

John (Cynthia Lennon)

John panicked at the accumulating threats from the Princess of Darkness. That was when he decided to go to India with Cynthia to put some distance between himself and Yoko. If he stayed away long enough, he could hope Yoko would just go away. Maybe she’d go back to America, or vanish in a puff of smoke. Her scissors act might go horribly wrong, or while she was bagged up one day the Royal Mail might frank the bag and deliver it to anywhere but India. Yes, a long trip to the ashram, where he could meditate and learn how to be calm and in control, give up drugs and spend romantic moments with Cynthia and glue his crumbling marriage back together, seemed opportune.

Magical Mystery Tours My Life with The Beatles by Tony Bramwell

“I don’t like the unhappiness she [Yoko] caused. She was horrible. John wanted to avoid her at first. He said, ‘Get rid of the bloody woman!’ But after India, he saw her differently — perhaps filtered through an exotic mindset.”

Tony Bramwell - the band’s ex-road manager

During

“The pressure of being the Beatles had driven a wedge between them individually and that had all percolated in the months leading up to their visit to Rishikesh,” he said. “Once they got there, and they unburdened themselves from all of that, they reconnected with their songwriting and their creativity. It just flowed forth.”

Bob Spitz to the New York Times

 “I was in a room for five days meditating,” said Lennon in The Beatles Anthology. “I wrote hundreds of songs. I couldn’t sleep and I was hallucinating like crazy, having dreams where you could smell. I’d do a few hours and they you’d trip off, three- or four-hour stretches. It was just a way of getting there, and you could go on amazing trips.” Cynthia Lennon said in Bob Spitz’s book The Beatles that for John, nothing else mattered when it came to mediation, adding “John and George were [finally] in their element [at the ashram]. They threw themselves totally into the Maharishi’s teachings, were happy, relaxed and above all found a piece of mind that had been denied them for so long.”

The Beatles in India: 16 Things You Didn’t Know

I was right in the Maharishi’s camp writing “I wanna die” you know. I’m So Tired and Yer Blues where they were pretty sort of realistic, you know, they were about me

Lennon Remembers

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da was born on the steps of one of the low slung cottages where the entourage lived. One day, remembers Saltzman, he was passing by the cottage when he saw Lennon and McCartney sitting on the front steps and strumming the tune on their acoustic guitars. He ran back, picked up the camera and took pictures of the two with a pensive-looking Starr sitting on the side, from outside a wicket gate. Saltzman remembers the two were singing the first two lines of the song "over and over again, going fast and slow, having fun". "That's the riff we have," McCartney told Saltzman, "but no words yet".

filmmaker Paul Saltzman

Jenny Boyd, Patti’s sister “I sat with John a lot, since he didn’t feel well, either from terrible jet lag, and insomnia. He would stay up late; unable to sleep, and write the songs that would later appear on The Beatles’ White Album. When I was at my lowest, he made a drawing of a turbaned Sikh genie holding a big snake and intoning, ‘By the power within, and the power without, I cast your tonsil lighthouse out!’ Sometimes, late at night, I can still hear John singing those sad songs he wrote during those evenings, like ‘I’m So Tired.’”

The Beatles Off the Record (Keith Badman)

John “I went to the Maharishi and, regardless of what I was supposed to be doing, I did write some of my best songs while I was there. It was a nice scene. Nice and secure and everybody was always smiling. The experience was worth it if only for the songs that came out. It could have been the desert or Ben Nevis. The funny thing about the Maharishi camp was that, although it was very beautiful and I was meditating about eight hours a day, I was writing the most miserable songs on earth, like ‘I’m So Tired’ and ‘Yer Blues.’”

The Beatles Off the Record (Keith Badman)

Meanwhile, I was not having the second honeymoon I'd hoped for. John was becoming increasingly cold and aloof towards me. He would get up early and leave our room. He spoke to me very little, and after a week or two he announced that he wanted to move into a separate room to give himself more space. From then on he virtually ignored me, both in private and in public. If the others noticed they didn't say so. I did my best to understand, begging him to explain what was wrong. He fobbed me off, telling me that it was just the effect of the meditation. 'I can't feel normal doing all this stuff,' He said. 'I'm trying to get myself together. It's nothing to do with you. Give me a break.' What I didn't know was that each morning he rushed down to the post office to see if he had a letter from Yoko. She was writing to him almost daily. When I learnt this later I felt very hurt.

John (Cynthia Lennon)

And because the Beatles didn’t know anything about ashrams and they haven’t seen anything before because they went for Maharishi, not for the ashram. Maharishi didn’t allow men to stay with their wives. John was delighted with the idea. He loved it, actually. I think it made Cynthia very unhappy. She wanted to stay with John, everybody had his own problems. My great interest was with John. I was very happy because I found John much healthier. The color in his face was different and he was happier and he took the whole thing very seriously, and he was trying hard and he was so excited when I arrived because perhaps I was part of the reason he was there.

Magic Alex in All You Need Is Love – Peter Brown & Steven Gaines

We all went through a depression after Maharishi and Brian died; it wasn’t really to do with Maharishi, it was just that period. I was really going through the “What’s it all about?” type thing – this songwriting is nothing, it’s pointless, and I’m no good, I’m not talented, and I’m shitty, and I couldn’t do anything but be a Beatle. What am I going to do about it? It lasted nearly two years and I was still in it during Pepper. I know Paul wasn’t at the time; he was feeling full of confidence, and I was going through murder during those periods. I was just about coming out of it around Maharishi, even though Brian had died – that knocked us back again. Well, it knocked me back.

John Lennon, interview w/ Barry Miles, (partially) unpublished. (September 23rd, 1969)

By spending two months in deep meditation in India, John brought his deepest problems to the surface but he was unable to resolve them: the contradiction between his family life and his life as a rock star with all the drugs and groupies was too great. Had he stayed with the Maharishi until the end of the course, he might have avoided some of the pain, but by terminating the instruction abruptly, he was left hanging in thin air. During the weeks at the camp, he had been receiving daily letters from Yoko, though nothing sexual had yet happened between them. He was very attracted by her but he felt tremendous guilt about breaking up his marriage: doing to Julian what his own parents had done to him, repeating the pattern.

Many Years From Now - Barry Miles

He [Mick Jagger] told me with amusement that the real reason why the Beatles left the Maharishi was that he made a pass at one of them: “They’re simple north-country lads; they’re terribly uptight about all that.” Am still not sure if I believe this story.

“The Sixties,” the second volume of Christopher Isherwood’s diaries

After

And I was slowly putting myself together after Maharishi, bit by bit over a two year period. I destroyed me ego and I didn’t believe I could do anything. I let Paul do what he want and say, them all of them do what they want, I was just nothing, I was shit. And then Derek tripped me out at his house after he got back from LA, and he sort of said you’re all right and pointed out which songs I’d written, and ‘you wrote this and you said this, you are intelligent, don’t be frightened’. And then next week I went down with Yoko and tripped out again and she filled me completely to realize I was me and it was alright.

Lennon Remembers

So much had changed since I’d last seen the Beatles just a few months previously. They had come back from their trip to India completely different people. They had once been fastidious and fashionable; now they were scruffy and unkempt. They had once been witty and full of humor; now they were solemn and prickly. They had once been bonded together as lifelong friends; now they resented one another’s company. They had once been lighthearted and fun to be around. Now they were angry.

Here, There and Everywhere - Geoff Emerick, Howard Massey

The rage that was bubbling inside John was the most obvious sign that something was seriously wrong. There was new tension between John and Paul, and even between John and Ringo, in addition to the often strained relationship that Paul had with George and the resentment that Ringo sometimes exhibited when Paul coached him too much on drum parts. In fact, the only two Beatles who seemed to get along during the White Album sessions were John and George. Perhaps that came from the experience they had shared at the ashram—after all, they were the two who had stuck it out, staying on long after Ringo and Paul had gone back home. Maybe they felt deserted by their bandmates, or betrayed. The undercurrents between the four Beatles were so complex at that point, it gave me a headache just thinking about it.

Here, There and Everywhere - Geoff Emerick, Howard Massey

Our first night back in the studio began, as usual, with small talk and catching up. “So how was India?” I asked. “India was okay, I guess… apart from that nasty little Maharishi,” John replied, venomously. Harrison looked deflated, as if it were a conversation they’d had many times before. With a deep sigh, he tried to calm his agitated bandmate. “Oh come on, he wasn’t that bad,” he interjected, earning a withering glance. Lennon’s bitterness and anger seemed almost palpable. Ringo tried deflecting things with a little humor. “It reminded me of a Butlins holiday camp, only the bloody food wasn’t as good,” he said with a wink. I glanced in Paul’s direction. He was staring straight ahead, expressionless and weary. He didn’t have much to say about India that day, or any other. I sensed at that moment that something fundamental in them had changed. They were searching for something, but they didn’t know quite what it was; they had journeyed to India looking for answers, and they were disappointed that they hadn’t found them there… but it seemed to me that they didn’t even know the questions.

Here, There and Everywhere - Geoff Emerick, Howard Massey

“By all accounts, John had hit an all-time low [after India]. “John was in a rage because God had forsaken him,” George recalled. “Then he went and completely reversed himself. He turned from being positive to being totally negative.” According to Pete Shotton, who was spending time with John at Weybridge, there was an overriding feeling of humiliation—from the Maharishi, from the Apple Boutique shambles, from his deteriorating marriage, from what he felt was his shrinking position in the Beatles. “He was more fucked up than I’d even seen him,” Shotton remembers. “It seemed like everything was going to the dogs. He’d been desperately grasping [at] straws, as far as I was concerned, and there wasn’t even a straw there.”

the beatles: the biography, bob spitz

JOHN: How can two women split up four strong men? It’s impossible. You know, The Beatles were disintegrating slowly after Brian Epstein died, it was a slow death, and it was happening. It was evident in Let It Be – uh, although Linda and Yoko were evident then, but they weren’t when it started, I don’t think. It was evident in – in India, when George and I stayed there and Paul and Ringo left.

October, 1971 (St Regis Hotel, New York)

There was little need for me to repeat my instructions. As soon as we got there, it was obvious that things were not hunky-dory with the Beatles. Their recent month-long meditation retreat with the Maharishi didn’t seem to have helped their relationships very much, and the estrangement was definitely having an effect on their work. I don’t think any actual recording got done that night. Paul, George and Ringo were rehearsing some new songs, trying different ways of playing and singing them. Meanwhile, John spent most of his time sitting on the floor next to Yoko, chatting privately with her as she stroked his hair. He seemed no more involved in the proceedings than me and Lawrence, who watched the uncomfortable tension building from the other side of the studio. “Hey John.” Paul turned around to face him at one point. “Are you in this band or what?”

Leslie Cavendish, The Cutting Edge: The Story of the Beatles’ Hairdresser Who Defined an Era

Back at Kenwood John continued to be distant towards me. Now that we were away from the others and the charms of India, I felt increasingly afraid and depressed. John and I were back in the same bed, but the warmth and passion we had shared for so long were absent. John seemed barely to notice me. He was little better with Julian and was more likely to snap at him than give him a hug. There was just one moment of real warmth between us and that was, ironically, when John confessed to me that he had been unfaithful. We were in the kitchen when he said, out of the blue, 'There have been other women, you know, Cyn.'

John (Cynthia Lennon)

On the flight back from India, he had gotten very drunk and, for some reason, decided to confess all his affairs to Cynthia. Brutally, he ticked off a very long list, which included groupies, models, prostitutes, the wives and girlfriends of his and Cynthia’s friends and, possibly cruelest of all, Cynthia’s own girlfriends. Cynthia felt totally betrayed.

Magical Mystery Tours My Life with The Beatles by Tony Bramwell

The shattering of his faith in the Maharishi, meanwhile, had left John spiritually adrift once more; his instinctive response was to return with a vengeance to his former drug habits. (Like the other Beatles, John had totally abstained from alcohol and drugs while in India.) In retrospect, it's easy to see how wide open John was, at this particular juncture, to anything—or anybody—that might conceivably lift him out of his rut.

The Beatles, Lennon, and me - Pete Shotton

PAUL: I gave myself a set period, and then if it was gonna be something we really had to go back for, I was thinking of going back. But at the end of my month I was quite happy and I thought… this’ll do me. This is fine. If I want to get into it heavy, I can do it anywhere. That’s one of the nice things about it, you don’t have to go to church to do it, you can do it in your own room. So I was quite happy.

RINGO: I left just a little disillusioned, and John was a little disillusioned when he came back, and Paul was. [pause] George just loved it.

1993 rough cut of the Anthology series

Although Paul was the first to leave [India] disillusioned, John left in the mind of, ‘OK, well, we tried, we surrendered to God but it wasn’t God, it was Maharishi and this God thing is proving itself to be a total fallacy’ - and then went back to being The Beatles.

I left Rishikesh with John. Alex [Madras] had been the naughty boy who’d stirred everything up. John went in a rage because God had forsaken him (although it was nothing to do with God, really). Then he went and completely reversed himself. He turned from being positive to being totally negative.

I went to South India […] and everything that happened to me went wrong to the point that I felt, like John and Alex, that the Maharishi had put the heeby-jeebies in me.

George Harrison, c/o Derek Taylor, Fifty Years Adrift. (1984)

JOHN: I’ve got no regrets at all, ‘cause it was a groove and I had some great experiences meditating eight hours a day—some amazing things, some amazing trips— it was great. And I still meditate off and on. George is doing it regularly. And I believe implicitly in the whole bit. It’s just that it’s difficult to continue it. I lost the rosy glasses. And I’m like that. I’m very idealistic. So I can’t really manage my exercises when I’ve lost that. I mean, I don’t want to be a boxer so much. It’s just that a few things happened, or didn’t happen. I don’t know, but something happened. It was sort of like a click and we just left and I don’t know what went on. It’s too near—I don’t really know what happened.

John Lennon, interview w/ Jonathan Cott for Rolling Stone: The first Rolling Stone interview. (November 23rd, 1968)

Cynthia Lennon “John had taken acid once more and enthused, ‘Cyn, it was great. Christ Cyn, we’ve got to have lots more children. We’ve got to have a big family around us.’ At this point, I burst into tears … All I could blurt out was that, in no way, could I see us as he did. I was so disturbed by John’s outburst, that I even suggested that Yoko Ono was the woman for him. John protested at my crazy suggestion and suggested that I was being ridiculous. Although life went on as usual, my fears grew and I felt nervous and depressed. John was aware of my depression and suggested that, as he had to work for long hours in the recording studios for a few weeks, I should accompany Jenny, Donovan, Gyspy and Alexis on a holiday to Greece. The very thought of sun and sea really brightened my outlook.”

The Beatles Off the Record (Keith Badman)

During the spring of 1968, John was as confused, lonely, and unhappy as I'd seen him in years. Though his relationship with the other Beatles was still free of serious strain, he was seeing increasingly less of Paul and George, both of whom were now pursuing independent lives and interests of their own.

In My Life, Pete Shotton

The resentment might have been coming from a different place. With his marital problems still unsettled and Cynthia gallivanting around Greece, drugs continued to govern John’s fitful moods. He dosed himself continuously with LSD, tweaking its random effect with any spare pills he happened to find lying around the house. In the right company, it plunged John into a deep, unfathomable trance that altered between indecipherable rambling and deadpan silences. At Weybridge, into which Pete Shotton had moved in order to keep his friend company, he stayed up nights, tripping and battling wave after wave of incendiary rage. One night, after the usual snack of hallucinogens, Shotton says he noticed John moving his arms around very slowly in a circle. “I said, ‘What are you doing?’ ” recalls Pete, “but John couldn’t explain it. He said, ‘I can’t stop. There’s something making me do this. I can’t help myself.’ ” Tears followed, uncontrollable rivers of tears, intermingled with hideous laughter. When Shotton tried to comfort him, John resisted. “I’m not crying,” he insisted peevishly, wiping his eyes with the back of a hand. Suddenly John declared that he was Jesus Christ, back from the grave. “He was convinced of it,” Pete recalls, “saying… ‘This is it, at last—I know who I am.’ ” The next day the Messiah convened an emergency meeting at Apple to announce his identity to the other Beatles. Unimpressed, they said: “Yeah, all right then. What shall we do now?” After someone suggested lunch, the matter was dropped.

That night at Weybridge, in the middle of another drug-induced reverie, the TV flickered off, whereupon John, already chastened and in a self-abasing mood, asked Pete if it was okay if he invited a woman to the house. Shotton, who had no intention of staying up another night with his friend, was relieved. “Well, I think I’ll call up Yoko,” John said.

The Beatles – Bob Spitz

What happened that night can only be left to the imagination, but since it patently wasn’t the coming together of two virgins for the very first time, did Yoko do her hypnotism thing, as some of John’s friends thought she had, or did she have a powerful new drug in her arsenal? Nobody really believed that John fell in love overnight, because why hadn’t he done so before? He’d been kicking Yoko in and out of his life for over a year. Mostly, he had given the impression that he resented and despised her. So it must have been something pretty potent that made John fall headlong out of his casual affair with her into a mad obsession. Perhaps it was that he really was mentally ill and like many schizoid personalities, got religious mania. If he really did believe that he was Jesus, Yoko would probably have convinced him she was the Virgin Mary. A virgin at any rate. John was shortly to tell the world that they spent the night at the top of the house in his bloodred music room, recording the Two Virgins tape. They say that a moose in heat can waken the dead and achieve the impossible with his bellows. John and Yoko spent the night screaming.

Magical Mystery Tours My Life with The Beatles by Tony Bramwell

Whatever her reasoning, Cynthia remained determined to see the marriage through [after finding John and Yoko together]. Convinced that John still needed her, she returned to Kenwood, mollified by his apparent denial that anything improper had occurred. “For a while, everything was wonderful,” she recalled. “We could speak more openly and honestly with each other, and there really was a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.”

But the tunnel was short, and the light soon faded. Within weeks their life together had disintegrated into a revolving state of solicitude and withdrawal, resignation and despondence. Following a stretch when John became disturbingly incommunicative, Cynthia packed once again, escaping on still another vacation to Pesaro, Italy, with her mother, Julian, and a favorite aunt and uncle.

The Beatles – Bob Spitz

No sooner were they back from India, than Jane returned to her work at the Bristol Old Vic, and Paul launched into what was probably the most relaxed time of his life. He opened wide the doors of Cavendish Avenue and the groupies, who had camped as faithfully outside as they had in Wimpole Street during the years that Paul had lived there with the Asher family, were astonished to find they were now invited in. Not only were they invited into the house, but also into Paul’s bed. Whenever I went up to see Paul, the house was filled with giggling, half-naked girls, cooking meals, walking Martha, or glued to the phone for hours on end, calling the world.

Magical Mystery Tours My Life with The Beatles by Tony Bramwell

It came as a welcome relief that John and Paul, along with Neil Aspinall, planned a quick trip to New York on May 11, where several press events had been scheduled to announce Apple Records in the States. Friends agreed that getting John away might do him a world of good; being alone, with just Paul to steady him, might have a calming influence. But Paul was grappling with his own set of anxieties. “We wanted a grand launch,” Paul said, “but I had a strange feeling and was very nervous.” Drugs, he later admitted, may have been at the root of his problem; there was a lot of dope-smoking before takeoff and even during the transatlantic flight. But Jane Asher also helped spike Paul’s mood. The grudging engagement between Beatle and actress had been ticklish at best. But since traveling together in India and a subsequent ten-day trip to Scotland, Jane’s eccentricities rankled. Paul was having serious second thoughts about the relationship, which had reached a kind of critical, now-or-never stage.

Between John’s attitude and Paul’s paranoia, the Beatles were a PR nightmare. “It was a mad, bad week in New York,” recalled Derek Taylor, who met the two Beatles there to chaperone a round of press conferences, followed by interviews. Taylor had fashioned himself into a debonair drug aficionado since the Beatles first dosed him at Brian Epstein’s housewarming party, and now he and John gorged themselves on speed and a “mild and extremely benign hallucinogen” called Purple Holiday, courtesy of their New York chauffeur. The effect of it came through in the interviews. John was gallingly withdrawn and dismissive, Paul unusually distracted—which made them come off as two rich, snooty rock stars peddling another product.

The Beatles – Bob Spitz

+ a couple of extra things

A quick timeline

December 25 Paul and Jane announced that they were engaged to be married.

February 15 George, Patti, John and Cynthia flew from London Airport to India.

February 19 Paul, Jane, Ringo and Maureen flew from London Airport to India.

March 26 Paul, Jane and Neil Aspinall flew back to England from Rishikesh, leaving George and Patti, John and Cynthia and “Magic” Alex who had come out to join them.

April 12 John and Cynthia, George and Patti and “Magic” Alex left in a hurry from Rishikesh, India, after “Magic” Alex convinced John and George that the Maharishi was using his position to gain sexual favours from at least one of the female meditators.

May 11 John and Paul, accompanied by “Magic” Alex, Neil Aspinall, Mal Evans, Ron Kass and Derek Taylor, flew to New York to launch Apple in the US.

May 15 Accompanied by Linda, Nat Weiss drove John, Paul and “Magic” Alex to the airport for their flight back to London.

May 19 With Cynthia taking a short holiday, John called Yoko Ono and invited her out to Kenwood. They made a random sound tape, which was later issued as Two Virgins with the notorious sleeve showing them both naked.

May 26 Cynthia returned home from a brief holiday in Greece, to discover Yoko Ono in residence with John.

May 31 Abbey Road. The White Album sessions. Work continued on ‘Revolution 1’ and the last six minutes was removed to form the basis of the chaotic ‘Revolution 9’. Yoko screamed on the track, her first appearance on a Beatles recording.

June 4 Paul began seeing Francie Schwartz.

June 22-23 On this day Paul McCartney addressed a sales conference attended by executives from Capitol Records, where he announced that all future Beatles records would be released through the group’s Apple Records label. The day after they fell in love in Los Angeles, Paul McCartney and Linda Eastman spent much of the day together at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where he was staying as part of an Apple promotional trip.

July 20 Jane Asher, appearing on Simon Dee’s BBC Television show Dee Time, said that her engagement to Paul was off – but that it was not she that had broken it. She told Dee that they had been engaged for seven months, after knowing each other for five years. (She had arrived back at Cavendish Avenue one day to find Paul in bed with a girl named Francie Schwartz.)

The Beatles Diary Volume 1 The Beatles Years (Barry Miles) & https://www.beatlesbible.com/

A comment from Heydullblog, which I find interesting and think sums up how insufficient & unsatisfying most explanations are for how John changed during this period:

Michael Gerber November 25, 2021 at 4:31 pm

What, in all that, makes you HATE Cyn, and divorce her in the most abrupt and vicious way, even attempting to get her to commit adultery so you can give her (and your own son) as little as possible? Why not a quick and amiable divorce from a woman who, let’s be honest, knew she was getting cheated on pretty constantly since 1961.

What, in all that, makes you HATE Paul McCartney, who has been your closest professional collaborator since 1957, and engage in a five-year campaign to smear and demean him in the press? Why do you insist your millions of fans choose you or him? Why not simply pause the group, and everybody goes solo and remains friends, as was predicted at the end of touring?

What makes you DETERMINED to bust up your rock group, the most popular group in the world, the source of all your fame, money, and power?

What makes you pick Yoko Ono IN PARTICULAR out of all the groupies, hangers-on, and even sensible appropriate partners within your current circle? Eighteen months ago you were attracted to Maureen Cleave, Sonny Freeman, Alma Cogan, etc — pretty much the type of women you always picked — but now, you pick a conceptual artist offering total submersion into someone else’s ego?

And what makes you spend the rest of your life pretending all this was the greatest thing ever, the fullest flowering of your genius?

It’s not that John Lennon looked around at his life in early 1968 and thought, “I don’t want this anymore. This isn’t for me.” It’s that he lashed out incredibly fiercely, in every direction, made no distinction between friend and foe, demonstrated a huge amount of resentment and bitterness towards the very people who it would seem had helped him the most, and spent literally the rest of his short life at least arguably LESS happy than he’d been before. He didn’t dump his wife for the nanny and live happily ever after; he started a process of picking things up and throwing them away with great force that, if he’d been that way in 1957, would’ve kept any of his genius from ever emerging.

He changed, fundamentally, in a short time. Why?

Midlife crises happen, they are to be expected, but this one gets more singular the more you look at it. And the thing about post-India Lennon is how he’s no more happy, no more productive, no more self-aware, no more comfortable in his own skin, than pre-India Lennon. What does the guy in August 1980 have to be angry about? Really? It was only after I reached middle-age and went through my own version of crisis (crises) that I thought, “How strange.”