#( he's just curious to see how long can they live before life fully breaks them apart )

[kneelingshadowsalome]

I'm just over here muttering to myself "I will not fall in love with König, I will not fall in love with König..." lol send help!!

But I'm super curious about something - do you think if König fully decided on an Engel being the only one for him, but then found out she was happy in a committed relationship (like there is no ~lover sneaking into her room, there's a straight-up other dude living in the house) does he try and get her to cheat? And when that doesn't work is it just straight to 'oh no, your husband's missing?? well he seemed pretty awful anyway, here let me cheer you up with some superior dick!'

Ohh I think there’s only one way this would go… (I’m so sorry everyone i should be caged)

Now. König gets absolutely torn apart inside because marriage is sacred and this woman is not his possession… And the only way to make her his is to get rid of the one who “owns” her. But how could he ever live with himself after that? It would be hell.

So at first, he does nothing. He even tries to leave her alone, leave them alone.

König bites his nails in the shadows and suffers in silence, heart aching and dick hard, raging on missions like an angered bear, trying to get over the one woman who he has in his delusional mind deemed to be the One and Only for him. In his heart he knows they belong together.

And any blind man can see that she's not truly happy with this man. So wouldn't it be a kindness and a grace to set her free...?

Engel is of course devastated, perhaps the marriage wasn’t exactly everything she has ever hoped for and the man was far too normal and lukewarm for her taste, but she was happy in her own way. His death ignites an even stronger love, now born of sorrow: every injustice in the world makes her heart big and heavy from bittersweet compassion, and she mourns his dead husband, gone far too soon, visits the fresh grave every day and cries without knowing that there is a man in the woods, watching her intently.

In the end, the selfish greed and what König calls love (c’mon man you haven’t even talked to this girl yet...) wins the battle of good and evil in his heart, and he does indeed get rid of the husband, as cleanly as possible. It’s his most merciful kill: no pain at all, just a few seconds before it’s over. He treats the corpse with the utmost respect and knows that from this day forward, he’s not only a monster; he’s pure evil.

Then he starts the hunt for his beloved… because if he can’t have her, then it has all been for nothing.

König sees what a devoted, sweet little widow Engel is, mourning her late husband as a good wife should. Her value only soars to the highest heights in his eyes, and when he finally approaches her in the graveyard, saying he likes long walks and sometimes wanders to this graveyard because it’s a pretty, quiet little place, his heart is already full of painful love for her.

One day she breaks into tears in front of him, and that’s his chance: he takes a step and closes her in a sturdy hug. Her big, wet eyes and helpless looks have already made his savior instinct go haywire, but as she quivers and cries there in his embrace, trying to hold on to him like she’s drowning in a sea of sorrow, it’s insanely challenging not to get a demanding erection that leaves him bloodless and faint in the head.

All he wants to do in this life is console her...

“My place is not far,” he offers her while stroking her hair gently, and she goes tense in his arms – a woman turned prey, sensing she’s in grave danger.

No no no, she’s getting away…

“It’s not good for you to be alone,” he adds, knowing he has blown it already with his enthusiasm.

“I… I don’t know…” the widow in his arms mutters through sniffles and tears. Then she tries to withdraw. “Is that… Do you have a knife in your pocket…?”

Fuck…

Think of something. Anything.

“Ja… I always carry a knife. It’s a, uh, big Austrian one. Would you like to see it?”

Scheisse… Women don’t want to see knives, you idiot—

“Um, yes... Yes I would. This may sound odd but... I love knives,” she withdraws, but only to look up at him with yearning and curiosity. Her soft little hands are still around him, and her eyes are sparkling… and this time not from tears.

[dsaf-confessions]

In the good ending, if Walt is turned into a phone (or one of the other two preformers, but more Walt specifically), i think that once they get to their apartment and live together they would be really awkward around eachother.

They have things in common, like...

- They each individually marked an important milestone in phoney history, with Harry being the first Gen 1, and Harry the last phone to ever be produced.

- They are both physically impaired in some way, with Harry having a bad leg and Walt having both a semi-dysfunctional voice box and significant damage to his body all around.

(That last bit about Walt might be false, as he might be able to heal from his injuries, but the lack in the production of Phone Guys in the last decade or so probably means the machine wasn't working the best. Mixed with the fact that if Walt wanted to go to a doctor, he'd probably get questioned for his phone head... yeah, he's likely going to have some lasting damage, both mentally and physically.)

And finally,

- Neither really remember their past life. With Walt, this may just be the residual amnesia from the machine messing with his skull, and could go away eventually, but I dunno.

With all of this, I'm sure either Harry or Walt would love to reach out and really connect with eachother, but there's one glaring issue.

In this supposed situation I wrote the phoneys in, I made it so Harry was the one to originally suggest sending Walt to the factory, like he does if you have yet to fire him.

Harry, being the good-natured soul he is, would see Walt visibly suffering and know that he, unintentionally or not, caused it. Unlike if Stanley or Max are the springlock victims, Harry was implied to actually know Walt beforehand.

With Walt's kind exterior and respectful attitude being shrunk to a disoriented, confused bearing, Harry will fully see the effects of his actions.

Along with that, which already obviously would hurt him to see, he would most likely get reminded of himself after he had been turned into a phone guy. Although maybe not as disoriented, Harry still completely forgot who he was, and now he fully understands just how much he lost. Along with that, he can understand how Joe felt at the time, too.

All of this makes it seem like Harry would be quite nervous to be around Walt, but what about the green phone's own perspective?

Most likely, Walt has no idea Harry suggested and then caused his phone-headedness. How could he? Harry was discharged long before Jake or Roger were hired, so obviously they wouldn't know either. Harry would have to let it slip or actually tell them, and with how experienced he is working at Fazbenders of all places, I'm positive Harry is good at keeping secrets.

So Walt, not knowing Harry's relation with the source of his torment, would probably try to bond over their similarities. Attempt to chat? He's still Walt, and Walt himself explicitly tells you that he really admires the phone guys if you talk to him. This, combined with his aforementioned friendliness, it wouldn't suprise me if the green phone eventually wanted to strike up a conversation with Harry.

I just feel like Harry would give very short, non-detailed responses to Walt in an attempt to be polite and listen, but still avoid somehow breaking him even more than he already has.

But maybe he's not like that. Harry's defied the company for his own conscience before, so who's to say he wouldn't confess to Walt what he did and try to grow from it?

I do like the idea of Harry and Walt becoming friends over their shared similarities eventually, I think they would get along really well if given the chance... but I still can't shake the feeling that Harry might not be able to get rid of his guilt that easily.

Eh. Feel free to add to this, I'm curious of other people's thoughts on this topic.

Farewell,

- The Real Fredbear Anon.

.

[conellu]

Hey Dont Let It Go To Waste

Kokichi O(u)ma/GN!Reader (uses they/them pronouns)

Requested by anon

Established relationship, same universe as last smut.

Also posted to my AO3

Title from All My Life by Foo Fighters

His fingers move closer to the back of your throat and you choke down a gag, it sounds loud in your own ears but no one above you comments on it and you breathe steadily through your nose.  You can feel the familiar burn of embarrassment turning to arousal in your abdomen and rocketing through body as he gives a curious wiggle of his fingers.  This fucker is trying to make you gag.

Warnings for Kokichi lacking boundaries, public (poor Sweetchi), getting caught (but who cares, Kokichi definitely doesn’t), pet play mentioned a few times but it’s not the focus, finger sucking, swallowing, super slight degradation, super slight dom/sub dynamics

You had absolutely no idea why you were currently under the table, knelt in front of Kokichi at such an angle it was bordering on painful trying to remain silent as he discussed whatever the fuck with Shuichi above you.  Your heart was pounding rapidly against your chest as you struggled to not move, even a slight movement and your head would knock against the top of the table.  It was just supposed to be something quick but then, of course, he had to come in and your lovely boyfriend couldn’t let such an opportunity go to waste.  A giggle from your boyfriend drew your ear back to their conversation and out of your thoughts.

“You really don’t know where she went?” Shuichi asked him, his tone fully giving away just how much he doubted Kokichi, “You rarely let her go more than five steps ahead of you.”  You could hear your boyfriend close the book he swore he was definitely looking for earlier and wasn’t just trying to pull you into a room where people hopefully would leave you two alone long enough for him to cum.  You had to suppress a snort at your own gullibility… But is it really gullibility when you know what he actually wants and you want it as well or is it just playing along with his fantasy?

“Sometimes dogs have to left alone, you know?” Kokichi says, no shame detected anywhere in his voice, “That way when you see them next they’re begging for attention!” He said, you could hear the smirk on his face as he reached a hand under the table and blindly felt for your head before he gave it a gentle pat.  Your cheeks flushed as shame and excitement mixed in your stomach, you won’t live down Keebo asking Kokichi if he had a dog after you two… experimented… with pet play but it would be a complete lie on your part if you even tried to deny how much you enjoyed it.  A disgusted grunt escapes Shuichi and you can visualize the look of disgust and pale pink blush on his cheeks and you almost giggle as you lean into your boyfriend’s warm hand.  “Can’t have them on a leash for too long or they want to break away eventually.”

“Stop talking.” Shuichi says, his long legs stretching out on the table and brushes against your back slightly before you scoot closer to Kokichi and your heart stops momentarily.  Thankfully, neither man makes any mention of anything, but you know Shuichi knows he brushes against something and you know that Kokichi knows as well.  You just pray to every God you can think of that for once his detective skills don’t bubble to the surface and he lets you sit under the table without adding to the embarrassment quickly building in you.  “Did you bring a bag here?”

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck…’ Your thoughts turn to nothing but repeating the word as you grip Kokichi’s white pants urgently but he doesn’t seem bothered, you can hear his elbow thump against the table and you assume he’s now leaning his head on his hand as though he’s bored or thinking of how to make this situation worse for you.  It seems it’s the latter as he feels around your face to tap your chin open and you, of course, open your mouth with no hesitation.  If you were a dog, you’d be the best trained one, and for some reason the idea of that makes your heart swell with pride.  He puts his pointer and middle in your mouth, pressing down on your tongue gently.

“I think so… Why, did you hit something?” He asks, so smug that it almost makes you want to bite down on his fingers but instead you slowly move your tongue along the bottoms of his fingers, careful to not allow any sound to escape as he presses down harder, middle finger getting closer to the back of your tongue.  If Shuichi wasn’t currently, easily, figuring out what was going on above you, you would be overjoyed at the sensation.  Unfortunately, between your boyfriend being far too smug for his own good and Shuichi’s deductive skills (though, honestly, you wouldn’t be surprised if even Gonta would eventually catch on), you knew that he would eventually peek under the table.  You hear Shuichi grunt in affirmation, you can almost imagine him, finger under his lip in thought but you prayed he wouldn’t be thinking too hard.

His fingers move closer to the back of your throat and you choke down a gag, it sounds loud in your own ears but no one above you comments on it and you breathe steadily through your nose.  You can feel the familiar burn of embarrassment turning to arousal in your abdomen and rocketing through body as he gives a curious wiggle of his fingers.  This fucker is trying to make you gag.  You pull your head back from him fingers and hope he can feel your glare, you pull his pant leg again as a warning.  It wouldn’t be the first time you bit his fingers for being a little shit, but it would be the first time you did it on purpose.  He lets out another giggle, directed at both you and Shuichi as he wipes your saliva from his hand and returns it to the top of the table.

“Maybe you should look under the table?”  Kokichi offers, and you frantically look behind you, expecting to see Shuichi’s face any second but he doesn’t seem to move.  His legs even retreat back to his chair as though he’s terrified of what’s under the table.  ‘Does he… know…?’ You ask yourself internally, but brush the thought out cause he would definitely leave in an embarrassed huff if he did know.  But he was most likely putting pieces together.

“Why is her notebook here?”  He asks instead of looking under the table and you internally groan at whatever lie your boyfriend is going to come up with.  You can see him twitch in your pants and you aren’t shocked at all.  He kick his feet around you, barely missing kicking you, excitement evidently coursing through his body at Shuichi’s innocent question.  He pushes his chair back slightly, just enough to where you can see the shit eating grin on his face.

“You can ask her next time you see her, I’m sure she’ll come back around soon,” he says and you’ve never wanted to punch and kiss him as much as you did in that moment, “After all, she can only resist me for so long.” He ends with a shrug, placing his hand back under the desk as he leans over, eyes trained on Shuichi’s face like he was a cat watching a field mouse.  His fingers make easy, quiet work of his zipper and… He wasn’t wearing underwear?  Your heart skips a beat as his half erect cock eagerly escapes his pants, eyes watching it as closely as your boyfriend was watching Shuichi.  You aren’t even sure why you’re surprised he would go without underwear, his pants were soft and he was trimmed enough to not have to worry about any hair getting tugged.  His entire plan for the day probably solely relied on this moment, and Shuichi was just an added bonus for your exhibitionist boyfriend.  He uses his thumb and pointer finger to slowly stroke himself and you want to whine, arousal pooling in your stomach and making you want to lurch forward to help him.  You move forward, your breath fanning against the hot skin of his cock and you feel his legs twitch at the sudden breath.

“Are you okay, Kokichi?’ Shuichi asks and you wish you could see your boyfriend’s face, the complete need to see him almost overtaking your want to remain hidden from Shuichi’s eyes.  Did his mouth open slightly like it almost always does, a small breath of air exhaling from his lips?  Did he have a barely there blush rise to his cheeks, one of the few times he looked actually vulnerable?  Did his eyebrows hitch up in confusion at your breath against him?  God, you wanted to see it so bad even though it would be far from the first time you saw his face before a blowjob.  He reaches his hand out to tap your chin again and he doesn’t have to make the motion twice, you know what he wants but… How do you do this without making a noise?  It wasn’t a secret to Kokichi that you loved giving blowjobs almost as much as you loved being fucked by him and you knew that Kokichi was anything but silent while getting head.  You give a few test licks near the base and tip, not wanting to go straight for it without knowing what the smallest bit of attention would do to him.

“Yeah, of course I am, Shumai.” He says, swallowing hard and you almost laugh, he sounds far from the smug fuck he was earlier and far more like he was struggling to maintain composure at just the kitten licks you had given him.  How worked up did he get himself for this if just that little attention had him struggle to maintain a typical Kokichi conversation.  The intrusion of Shuichi probably gave him more of a boost since his severe lack of boundaries seemed to make everything be cranked up to 10 for him.  You can see his legs tense up as you pull away before pressing small kisses in various spots on his cock before licking at the pre-cum that was already beading up at the surface.

You hear the screech of Shuichi’s chair and freeze.  You don’t have to turn to know that he’s bending down and looking at you.  You keep your focus on Kokichi’s dick as you hear your boyfriend all but cackle as you hear the pops from Shuichi’s knees as he stands up.  You make careful note to apologize to him away from Kokichi.  He’s quiet as he leaves, closing the door with a hard thud.  Kokichi leans back and looks down at you, grinning.

“Someone looks pleased.” you say, it’s clearly not you, “Are you proud?”

“Oh, very!” He says, hand stroking himself as you watch carefully, eyes dating between his face and hand.  “Open up~.” He coos at you, free hand tilting your chin up to look at him.  You can feel your face heat up as you do so, sticking your tongue out and shakily raising a hand so you can point directly at your mouth, just as he adores.  He feels his own heart swell with adoration and desire at your actions, he sometimes doesn’t even know how he got so completely lucky with you.  You see his small adam’s apple bob as he swallows, lips in a tight smile as he watches you closely.  He places enough of his cock against your tongue and in your mouth so that he doesn’t have to support it as he retracts his hand.  The one that made you open your mouth goes to the side of your mouth to pull it slightly with his thumb and you whine.  He chuckles, “Are you that desperate for it?” he asks sardonically as he rocks back and forth slightly, enough to just barely move his cock against your tongue 

“Yeah…” you manage out, his thumb and cock making it hard to speak.  His tight smile becomes a wide grin and he removes his thumb, slapping you softly on your cheek, clearly pleased with your response.

“Show me then~” he coos again, eyes fully on yours, mouth slightly open as you take more of him into your mouth.  If your mouth wasn’t becoming increasingly full of his cock and if you weren’t so utterly desperate for it all, you’d make a comment as you notice the smallest hint of a blush on his cheeks.  He’s always the most vulnerable in this state, it rivals how vulnerable he is when he falls asleep on your bed, drool peeking out of his mouth as he bundles himself up with your sheets and blankets.  His hips jerk involuntarily and his head hits the back of your throat with no warning making you moan and gag around him.

“Mouth feels good…” He mutters out, leaning his head against his arms as he looks down at you, “like it was made just for my cock.”  The praise makes your legs tremble underneath you as you meet his eyes, making him release a shaky breath as he closes his eyes. You feel him twitch in your mouth and you smile pitifully around his cock, he can be almost too cute in these moments.  You never bring it up afterwards, but you feel as though he wishes he could be this way more often.  Another jerk of his hips bursts you from your thoughts. “Don’t stop, stupid whore.” He gets out through bated breath.

You hollow your cheeks and bob your head more, tongue rubbing on the underside of his cock as you reach up to softly cup his balls, just barely massaging them.  He can’t stop the onslaught of almost pathetic (though, please don’t ever bring them up) whines and moans that exit his throat as his hand find their way to your hair as he leans back again so the entirety of his length is in your mouth, poking slightly down your throat.  Putting the heartbeat thumping in your ears, all you can hear are your own moans and gags combined with Kokichi’s whines and moans and the tell tale sounds of his cock in your throat.  His pre-cum creeps down your throat and you swallow it down before the taste can register.

The creaking of his chair quickly joins the fray as he rocks back and forth, you barely even have to move your head at this point, option to instead massage his balls and move your tongue around his cock, moaning as her hands grip at the fabric near his knees so you can hold yourself somewhat in place.

Your incredibly thankful you know him enough to know when he’s close because he never wants to give you a warning- or maybe he couldn’t talk (for once), but either way you tighten your eyes closed as you feel his legs tighten around you, his fingers on your scalp to tight it’s nearly painful as his hips stutter.  You quickly meet the pace he had before with your head moving eagerly, moaning as you hear him call your name.  As soon as he’s done cumming, he pulls away to look at you as you cough and splutter, but swallow it all down.

“Open.” He says while tapping your chin again, his eyes are half lidded and his cheeks are full pink now, his shoulders are moving as he breathes hard as though he’s the one who just struggled to swallow a metric ton of cum.  You swallow again and open your mouth wide, sticking your tongue out and he grins, it’s not the typical mocking grin but it looks tired and spent.  Had it really meant that much to him?  It was the first time foreplay involved someone else (someone else that you now had to apologize to… preferably after brushing your teeth and washing your hands), so it probably was on par with the first time he came down your throat.  He stands up from his seat and drags you up by the arm, your legs are unsteady under you and you groan in slight pain from them stretching after being tensed for so long.  “C’mon, let’s go get you something to eat.” He says, dragging you out of the library as you hastily reach out to grab your notebook, “You know your stomach hurts after swallowing so much~!”

[you-have-been-frizzled]

heyy- I'm curious abt which headcanons do you have abt what would happen if Juline got hurt very badly / died and how would the rest of characters react. (sorry if it sounds dark D:)

*deep inhale* oh anon i don’t think you realized what you just signed up for. also NOTHING is too dark for me when it comes to fic ideas

i have spent years thinking about what would happen if Juline was taken prisoner by the Neverseen, and when i remembered that the collective had that mind wipe poison i just made it angster.

Kesler would shut down when she was captured going completely on autopilot because that way he didn’t have to think to feel to process what had happened

that the person who was apart of his life since he was teen, his best friend was gone he would have a planting for her because that’s what he was told to do, he just told himself that she was dead because if he didn’t all he would think about is the ways they where torturing her.

that didn’t change the fact that he kept expecting to wake up and find Juline laying beside him, and he could hold her and know that she was safe but she was never there,

Dex would stay up day after day refusing to believe that she was gone, insisting that he could find her. he would stay so long that he would start to hallucinate.

because if he stopped working for even a moment his mind would run wild, thinking of every possible way the Neverseen was hurting her. and he couldn’t take it,

Lovise would have to force him to go bed and even Tinker would send him home when they where searching for her and he was falling asleep at his desk. Tinker eventually just made him a spot in the corner of her workspace so she could put him there to sleep when he would black out.

he wouldn’t be focusing at school or at team valiant meetings, he would be angry and sassing everyone if they tried to speak to him. he blamed himself for what happened to his mom weather he was there or not

and more importantly that was his mom, and weather they where fighting or not, and he didn’t know how to live without her

and the triplets Lex wouldn’t fully understand she was gone, he would be checking at the widows, mistaking Edaline for Juline everytime she comes over before becoming crushed and looking out the window for Juline again,

Dex came back why wouldn’t she?

Bex doesn’t speak she barely makes a noise and just follows Dex around like a shadow, “helping” him with his search for their mom,

Rex wouldn’t leave his dad side because what if he goes missing too, what if he losing another parent,

they had already lost their brother once and got him back and now they lost their mom, and they don’t know if she’s going to come back

Edaline would lock herself away at first crying so hard she couldn’t breathe, or completely catatonic, she wouldn’t want to speak to anyone other than Grady because her little sister is gone,

she’s lost her daughter, almost lost her second daughter and now lost her sister,

one of the days Dex comes over with Sophie rambling in techospeak, about how he’s going to find Juline, Edaline comes downstairs to watch them work not wanting to be in bed any longer

Dex when he sees her and freezes for a moment, almost like he thinks that Edaline is his mom just for a moment,

she runs over and hugs him and they are both crying and Edaline decides right then and there that they she’s going to go over to Rimeshire and be with her sister’s kids

because that’s what Juline would have wanted, Edaline helps run slurps and burps as often as she can, so Kesler doesn’t have to deal with the cruel whispers 

Grady would be angry, at everything, not understanding why his family can’t catch a break? why must they lose everything? why are they not allowed to be happy?

he goes over to Rimeshire to be with Kesler, not wanting him to suffer alone, he lets Dex yell about the Neverseen and how they can’t leave their family alone, he makes sure the triplets are ok while their father is on autopilot.

he would be the one to go with Sophie to check on the councils search and the black swans, because he’s been through it before twice, and he’s going to be the strong one and he’s not going to cry

[wildstar25]

idle thought: when did Arsay first find out about huntspeak? About it being an old traditional miqo'te thing etc? (also how does she feel about the whole idea of miqo'te tradition stuff just generally, is it something she's curious about, something she wishes she'd learned about growing up, or is she largely indifferent about the whole being miqo'te-ness, her place in the whole keeper-seeker dichotomy and all that?)

Oh great question! Well, she sure as hell did not learn it from Emrara. Despite traveling with Arsay's parents for X number of years, Emrara never really picked up that much knowledge about Miqo'te tribe culture and customs. I think Arsay would have first heard traditional Miqo'te huntspeak during her first trip to the Forgotten Springs while she searched for the former company of hero's member U'odh Nunh. Most likely she overheard some of the huntresses chattering to each other about a pack of sand worms roaming too close to camp. She was definitely curious but felt strange asking about it directly, so she kept to herself and carried on her task of earning a favour for the U tribe Nuhn.

This is a common trend for Arsay and learning about the culture. She's so curious, she wants to know so much, but its difficult for her to broach the topic. Not only does she not even know what she doesn't know, there's also lot of hesitancy to "outting" herself as an ignorant miqo'te. Like, every Miqo'te she interacts with treats her like a normal person, they assume she has a similar experience, base knowledge, etc. She doesn't want to risk breaking that illusion, she doesn't want to be seen as an outsider instead of a peer. So she doesn't question. She nods when people assume she's from the shroud, because I guess technically she is?? on her mom's side? She doesn't want to give them an opening to scrutinize or reject her for being different. She had enough of that growing up. Arsay loves being a Miqo'te. She loves her fluffy tail, her sharp teeth, being able to see so well in the dark, how easy it is for her to climb trees, hear from such long distances away. But she's never fully felt like a miqo'te. She doesn't feel tethered to Azyma or Menphina. Despite learning her father was from the U tribe, she doesn't consider them family. She wanders through the black shroud a stranger, wondering if she'll ever into another keeper with the same family name as her. She doesn't really know if she needs miqo'te tradition in her life, but she wonders if knowing something might make her feel a little more whole. That's why it made such an impact to befriend G'raha when she did. When he talked about his difficulties growing up away from his tribe, being bullied for his heterochromia (something that is generally seen auspicious in seeker culture actually!), it made Arsay feel safe enough to reveal she grew up outside of a traditional Miqo'te clan. They bonded over how little they knew about themselves. Even when Arsay asked a dumb question, he explained what he could without making her feel bad. This is when she probably would have asked him about huntspeak as well. A great lead up to G'raha teaching Arsay how to shoot a bow and arrow the way he was taught before being sent away.

And a similar connection point happened again when Arsay found out Y'shtola also grew up isolated from her tribe. Granted Y'shtola still knew a hell of a lot more than Arsay ever could, but it was something. A bit of security that Arsay didn't have to save face all the time

Now a days, Arsay's learned quite a lot from both her seeker partners and it's made her really happy! She's much more comfortable being a miqo'te living outside of tradition, especially since she feels like she's made her own tribe that can have it's own customs (even if some are technically south seas lalafel).

[kats-fic-recs]

More Bnha Fluff fics

Sense-memory

'After living in the wilds alongside darkness and magic both for a very long time, his people know the eyes can be fooled; but learn something with your hands and you know it for life.

Learning with his mouth, however, is something Izuku never considered.'

--

Katsuki teaches Izuku about kissing. [Barbarian!Deku AU]

Just A Regular Red Bike

There was all sorts of magic in the world. Magic that kept a bicycle chain from snapping, and magic that fished moonlight out of the sea, and magic that tasted better when you baked it into bread first. And then there was the kind of magic that most people wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, the kind of magic that could change things.

The kind of magic that Midoriya Izuku reached for with both hands.

“What the fuck is this?” the witch demanded.

“Ah, I—!” Izuku took a step back, wide-eyed, surprised at the vulgar language. “I don't know!”

“The hell do you mean, you don't know? What kind of post-boy are you?”

“I don't read the post,” Izuku said, a little annoyed now. “I just deliver it. Reading it would be a breach of privacy.” He paused, and then leaned forward a little, unable to stifle his curiosity. “Why, is it something bad?”

The witch crushed the letter in his fist.

Inhibitions

Todoroki gets zapped by a Quirk that effectively lowers someone's inhibitions, and Aizawa deals with the strange, humorous, heart-breaking fallout.

The train ride back is something of a nightmare. Not because it goes badly, or because something awful happens, but because Aizawa can’t get rid of this feeling in his chest every time he sees Todoroki’s unusual, carefree smile. He looks like nothing has ever hurt him.

the river walked me home

Shouto's life is a deck of precariously stacked cards, and one online article about Endeavour's approach to parenting sends the whole thing tumbling down. Not everyone believes it. Half the public denies it. But even if it turns out there's no truth in the article, the staff at U.A. are under enough fire as it is, and sending Shouto home for the upcoming week-long break is inexcuseable in the eyes of the press.

Not to mention, Aizawa wouldn't stand for it anyway.

Or: Shouto spends a week or two hiding from the world in his teacher's house, where he is introduced to Animal Crossing, the sweetest cat in the world, and the bizarre concept of feeling safe in his own home.

The Secret Deku Box

“Y’know, Bakugou never, ever talks about girls,” Kaminari says, his voice thoughtful.

“And I wonder why that is.” Ashido rolls her eyes.

“I’m just curious!” Kaminari whines. Kirishima drags the box out, unlabeled and unassuming, the lid not even fully clasped over the edges. “The guy has to— Whoa, what’s that?”

Kirishima realizes a little belatedly that this is a serious breach of privacy, and Bakugou will actually murder all of them. “Nothing!” he cries, attempting to shove it back under the bed, but Ashido snatches it away.

“Please be his porn stash!” Kaminari whispers as she whips the lid off.

No raisins? How about a date?

Izuku steps inside and shuts the door behind him. Uraraka’s lying on her back in bed, reading a shoujo manga. “I just realised Kacchan’s handsome. He was minding his own business and I tried to touch his lips. Am I a pervert? Am I gay?”

“That’s a little gay, yeah,” Uraraka says, sitting up. Izuku flops into a boneless, dramatic heap on the floor and helps himself to the chips on her low table. “I think it’s normal to notice someone’s attractive, though. Like, Bakugou is good-looking, unfortunately, so I doubt it’s all that weird to think about kissing him a couple times. Do you like him?”

“I,” Izuku says and then pauses. “I don’t know. I’ve never had a crush before.”

“Can you imagine going on a date?”

“Hrkl,” says Izuku.

“Oh dear,” says Uraraka.

Toxic masculinity? No no- Manipulative masculinity.

It was at this point that Bakugou, to Aizawa's horror, and the rest of the class's utter disbelief, promptly burst into tears.

Or

Bakugou can cry on demand, and he has absolutely no problem using this for his own personal gain.

Who knew?

You feel like home (You are home)

Izuku loses his memories during Christmas Eve due to a quirk incident.

Turns out he is a hero and apparently he has a husband? Enter Bakugou Katsuki.

Is it normal to have the biggest crush on his husband, even if he doesn't remember him?

Green Spider Silk

In which Izuku has a secret identity as Spider-Man, the city's beloved new superhero. Fighting crime, he can handle. But his longstanding crush on his bully, Kacchan? That's a different beast entirely.

--

This is the legendary upside-down kiss scene.

bite and reciprocate

Kacchan’s teeth graze against Izuku’s wet skin after a shower, and when they’re alone sometimes Kacchan will lift up his scarred hands and nibble and kiss his wrists.

Izuku understands what this is. Kacchan knows what he needs, Kacchan always knows what he needs, and Kacchan is taking care of him by biting back.

You Got a Boyfriend?

In the middle of a bar on a Friday night, Bakugou's out with his old classmates, his friends, drunk as fuck, and head over heels in love with the man sitting right next to him. Does Deku even know how fucking beautiful he is? How incredibly cute, and important? Well, he's about to.

Bakugou's madly in love with his childhood friend (aka, his husband) and he's about to make that everyone's problem

Autumn Metamorphosis

Every idiot on the planet thought that Summer was Deku's best season. He'd traipse around in clingy tank tops and shorts and his skin would glisten. Katsuki had to admit, it was appealing.

But it had nothing on Deku in Autumn.

- or -

Katsuki is a premium Deku simp, especially in Autumn. Watch him simp his way into Deku's heart!

Boom, Badoom, Boom

Izuku's working the kissing booth at the school fair, it just so happens Katsuki has been crushing on him since the first grade.

“Did you—“ Izuku parted his mouth with no sound leaving it, “Did you pay?”

“Yea.”

“For a kiss?”

Play It Cool

Izuku accidentally becomes Katsuki's secret cuddle buddy.

(or that time Izuku and Katsuki snuggle on real pretenses then false ones, each finding a way to poorly miscommunicate their emotions cause what do these boys do aside of making carters in infrastructures and in each other, make the whole class of 1-A weep for them, and manage a romance to bring Ryan Gosling to the brink of tears.)

[highlifeboat]

Thank you for the brain vibes ^_^ Can I ask about how you see her eventually finding Mia again? Or Mia finding her? I just really like the idea of Alcina meeting an old college roomie and wondering if she has reasons to worry (cause Mia talked about their fun times as roomies and we've seen Alcina with a jealous streak... until Mia starts gushing about her wife to Ashley, then it's all good). Meanwhile Ash is trying to handle the fact her roomie's wife is a 7 foot tall cannibal woman and she has 3 bug daughters (and possibly one human toddler) prodding at her/buzzing around and asking a million questions.

It only gets more complicated with the introduction of Melony, Mia's other pseudo-daughter. (Maybe Ash can bond with Elena or something. She's been through the "life was normal then got weird" vibe. Max, too, technically, but he also had a shit ton more trauma. Though so did Ash. *think*) Just let the roomies chill and be honest about bio-related trauma for a bit, probably neither expected the other would get it before now.

The current (actually realistic) idea is that Ashley is working with either the BSAA or another (more political maybe) organization to try and cut a deal with the Village. Basically sent her to try and negotiate terms about containing the megamycete underneath it and in return they provide various needs (like trying to reconnect them with the current world), and such. And, y’know, obviously she going to check out the giant fucking castle. She knocks but ultimately just walks in, probably signs Alcina’s little guest book. Just kind of meanders into the main hall Ethan Winters style while looking around.

Immediately she’s bombarded by the daughters, swarmed from all angles by flies (and their manic giggling), which freaks her out so Ashley runs. And the girls chase. Running her around like a mouse in a maze for probably a solid five minutes before she (quite literally) runs into Mia. They have a split second “Ashley?” “Mia?” moment before the daughters finally catch up. And just when Ashley thinks she might be eaten alive.

“You three knock it off!” The buzzing stops and suddenly Ashley is staring at three tall women, who all look like they’re about to be told off by their mom. Mia gives them a small scolding for chasing Ashley around, the three girls mutter an apology and then buzz off.

Ashley stares at Mia.

Mia stares at Ashley.

“So… Long time no see, right?”

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT-”

In other words: An intense and sudden reunion.

In terms of Alcina, there’s definitely a spark of jealousy at first when meeting Ashley. It’s not huge, but it’s there. She listens to Mia gush about all the good times they had together in college, their little movie nights, and listening to music, and going out to do things together. Ashley’s equally as happy to talk about those times, if a little nervous being stared down at. They share some stories about things that happened while they were there. Alcina finds it amusing, to be sure, but there is that pang of not fully understanding some of the things they’re talking about. (Plus it would be a lie to say Alcina isn’t a tad possessive and perhaps a tad jealous more so at the idea that Mia shared a room with this woman.)

And then of course Mia has to gush to Ashley about how amazing Alcina is and any stories she has from living at the castle. And that quells whatever jealousy Alcina has pretty quickly.

The daughters are completely enamored with Ashley (now that they aren’t chasing her around). They have so many questions, and Ashley can only answer so much before she needs a break. They’re so curious about where she’s from, and “What was Mia like before?!” and “What’s a college?” and everything she answers seems to spring 15 more questions. Rose isn’t nearly as bad (thank God) but she did pull Ashley’s hair by accident when she was holding her. Along with just… general toddler behaviour. (Ashley still thinks Rose is a cutie but she prefers not to hold her)

In terms of the S/Os, Elena and Max are probably the best for understanding Ashley suddenly being thrown into insanity, but Elena is definitely the easier of the two to talk to about it. Max understands the struggle, but he’s also incredibly deflective about his own problems so a lot of his responses are pretty… “Yeah. Shit’s fucked.” type rather than actually talking about it. I do think Ashley and Elena would get along pretty well, though. Considering Elena is probably the most normal person within the family. (She thinks Melony is very nice, but goddamn that girl has a hard time with conversation.)

And, finally, after all this “meet the family” stuff, Mia and Ashley have a chance to actually talk to each other, one on one. And of course Mia’s first question is “What happened?” Because there were rumours, and hearsay, but she wants to know the truth.

And Ashley explains. She was kidnapped, transported to Europe and injected with Las Plaga. They were trying to turn her into a bioweapon. A man came and saved her. They ran through the Village and people died and she was possessed and nearly killed Leon at least twice. “It was terrifying. I knew what I was doing but I couldn’t… control myself.” And there were bioweapons, and knights, and Saddler, and the island exploded. By the time she got back home she just… couldn’t go back like everything was normal again.

When she looks back Mia has this kind of empathetic look to her. As if she understands. So now it’s Ashley’s turn to ask.

Mia starts with Dulvey. Eveline, the boat crash, the Bakers, the three painfully long years of being half lucid and being unable to remember anything. She brings up Zoe. Talks about Ethan, and how she almost killed him. Very similar to Ashley’s own experience with Leon. How Ethan killed Eveline and they had three years of bliss, only for Mia to be kidnapped a second time and experimented on by a mad woman.

And they just kind of revel in this notion that they both suffered somewhat similar scenarios at completely different points in time.

Maybe they hug. Like a kind of "I understand what you went through and know how hard that is to handle" kind of hug where it's very tight and comfortable.

[terrainofheartfelt]

I apologize if this is already something you’ve discussed here, I’m just a little new to this corner of the fandom and it’s something I’m legitimately curious about. Why do a lot of Dair writers like Alison Humphrey? The way I remember the character was that she abandoned her teenage children to “find herself”, had to be dragged back to Brooklyn by her 14 year old daughter to face them at all, wasn’t very nice or supportive of them while she was there, and then left again to never return. The only time she came up after that was when Jenny was “banished” and decided to go live with her. But for Dan, at least, it always seemed to me like she completely emotionally abandoned him. Dan never referenced talking to her or visiting her that I can recall, and she wasn’t there for his really big moments like graduation or starting college or having a son or even releasing a book, which was his lifelong dream. She didn’t show up for his wedding either, which made me think they were outright estranged. I realize that in real life this might have been because of scheduling conflicts with the actress, but in universe I always felt like Alison did not care about Dan at all, not in any way that really mattered. So that’s all to say, I’m curious what about the character appealed to you, and why you saw their relationship differently? I’ll fully admit I don’t remember everything that happened on the show, so I’m wondering if there are other nuances to the character I might have forgotten or overlooked? (Also sorry this got super long, no pressure to respond immediately! I love your blog and I really am just curious about your thoughts on this!)

hello! first of all, thank you so much! I appreciate you taking the time to send this ask!

I tried hunting through my blog to find more references to me talking about this, but you know how the tumblr search function is, and I apparently really should start just, you know, tagging character names. I'm a librarian I should be better at the organizational aspects of tumblr...anyways! I found some links to meta/hcs I've written on the subject before if you want to check em out: here, here, and here.

the way my brain works with stories, is that when there's something dissatisfying, or there's a build up or set up to what should be a major plot or major character going forward only for it to just be dropped like a hot potato (something GG does a lot), I can't let it go, and in this fandom where I've taken up fic writing and headcanoning with a vengeance, I have to construct something around it to make it makes sense to me and to make it into something that feels right to the story and characters I'm interpreting and want to tell.

and Alison Humphrey is one of those characters. I'll admit that I am something of an Alison Humphrey Apologist - actually I feel like my opinion is in the minority of this corner of the fandom. idk with any certainty if that's true, but my observation is is that my stance is more lenient on who she is, but that impression was formed in my entrance into this obsession, and the clubhouse has certainly changed since I joined this corner!

so what captured my imagination about Alison is that steep drop off of her character. we obviously know she's significant - she's Jenny and Dan's mother and Rufus' first wife and second love, but after a few episodes in s1, we never see her again, there are gaps, and I want to fill them!

to answer part of your question - dan alludes to visiting his mom on holidays and school breaks a few times - he spends spring break in s1 with her, xmas in s3, and in the summer between s1 & 2 she moves in to the loft to look after Dan and Jenny while Rufus goes on tour. so...there's not a lot, but there's some stuff there

and what's also so compelling is that in that handful of episodes, we get just enough to build an impression of the kind of wife and mother Alison was before she left, and some key lines that I cannot ever stop thinking about. The first that springs to mind is her and Jenny during the cotillion episode. Jen ditches her mom's art show to go, and Alison holds her accountable after with the line: As you grow older, every choice that you make defines who you're gonna turn into. So rather than apologizing to me, you need to look at yourself and ask if you like the person you're becoming. it's very introspective and astute advice, imo. and then, dialing back an episode or two to when she comes back, Dan holds her to task for leaving, and tellingly only mentions how much Jenny and Rufus need Alison, but not him, which breaks my heart on multiple levels, and she's properly chastened for it, and keeps working after that confrontation to make amends. and all this has me infer that Alison was a very good parent, right up until she wasn't.

and the part that makes me crazaayyyy is a few scenes later in that Alison Returns episode, during the conversation she has with Rufus when they finally have a chance to candidly talk, she admits fault and cops to making mistakes, but she tells him that towards the beginning of their marriage when he was still all about his music, she supported him, and put her art to the side to support him and to take care of their growing family. "My entire adult life has been about you," she says.

and that line just...Hits for me, because it touches on this thing that can happen to women within their marriages and relationships -- especially in Alison's generation, I think generations after it's been happening less and less -- but when they had kids and got married and moved into this loft in Brooklyn, Alison was the one who virtually gave up her art for years, she gave herself and her identity over to being a wife and mom, and then after 16 years, she looked up and realized that she didn't know who she was anymore, because her identity and sense of self was so reliant on taking care of other people. and she freaked out, and self-sabotaged. And maybe the timing isn't so random, at 16 & 14, Dan and Jenny are becoming their own people, with more and more independence, and she thinks that -- while Dan insists rightfully that they still need her -- she feels less needed by them, and her days for the first time in almost two decades are blank slates, and when was even the last time she picked up a brush? she can't remember.

And, I gotta point out that Alison & Rufus & Lily were all such YOUNG parents, like early early 20s kind of parents. so that time when you're supposed to be figuring yourself out, who you are and who you want to be, she already had a husband and a baby to take care of. like, I'm in the back half of my 20s and cannot even imagine that kind of commitment and pressure.

So, while I don't agree with her methods of coping with this identity crisis, I can understand why it happened. and so I tend to err on giving her more grace. And, idk, I just...don't like that someone who should be so significant is shunted to the side...it kind of makes me think of that Gilmore Girls meta that's floating around right now, op very cleverly and artfully writes about Christopher's character, and instead of him serving the narrative as Rory's dad, he's primarily always functioning as Lorelai's love interest, and that's kind of how this other GG treated Alison. she was the wedge between Rufus and Lily getting back together, a complication to their romance, and her narrative function as the mom of two of the main characters was treated as secondary to that.

I don't know that I would equate Alison to Christopher, but then again, I am a self-described Alison Apologist, but for me, I like to envision a world where Alison keeps working to make right with Dan, because I just...don't accept that she wouldn't be there for him, whether or not he'd let her be. so...she always creeps into my fics because I just - want to fix it! and I can see multiple avenues for her and Dan to repair their relationship...which is why in my aus, she gives Dan a place to be outside of NYC, and he appreciates having that place to retreat to.

and, while we're here, allow me to rec a couple truly stellar Alison-centric fics: @mrs-nate-humphrey's it's not the end (it's an uncomfortable pause) & @strideofpride's small town predicts my fate

[probablynot-john]

I posted 89 times in 2022

31 posts created (35%)

58 posts reblogged (65%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@never-ending-fanfic

@mabsart

@astralalmighty

@nikxation

@tsuki-beemei

I tagged 70 of my posts in 2022

Only 21% of my posts had no tags

#star wars - 33 posts

#sw rebels - 27 posts

#hot kallus - 25 posts

#alexsandr kallus - 25 posts

#kalluzeb - 23 posts

#garazeb orrelios - 21 posts

#star wars rebels - 14 posts

#incorrect star wars rebels quotes - 11 posts

#ezra bridger - 11 posts

#sabine wren - 10 posts

Longest Tag: 102 characters

#this has been in my head for years with numerous character combinations but im glad i finally wrote it

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Hello! I made some arts!

See the full post

55 notes - Posted July 27, 2022

#4

*after being captured at Bridger's tower*

Thrawn: I congratulate you on being able to evade capture for as long as you have agent Kallus, you are quite hard to read.

Kallus: Maybe you're dyslexic.

68 notes - Posted July 23, 2022

#3

These three

Are basically these three but without dragons

See the full post

70 notes - Posted October 9, 2022

#2

I'm gonna attack ya'll with the fluffiest headcannon I have:

So Kallus and Zeb are retired and living a beautiful quiet life on Lirasan. As a hobby Zeb starts volunteering at the local zoo (ie. Carl & Ellie), and every year he gives tours to a class of kids from the local school (kids are about 2nd to 3rd grade age). Anyways as kids do, they ask Zeb what his favorite animal is. But Zeb just laughs and tells them "you'll have to wait to the end of the tour to find out".

Here's the thing, the kids have been dying to find out what it is since they found out they were going to the zoo weeks before the trip. Because Zeb said the same thing to the class the year before them, and the year before that. As amazing as loth cats are (another animal they saw at the zoo), by the end of the tour the tiny lasats are literally climbing up the walls with anticipation.

By the time they finally get to the end they come to a big curtain.

Zeb:"Alright kids are you ready for the last animal on our tour?"

Kits:"YEAH!"

Zeb:" Okaaaaay, hear we have my favorite animal my husband Alex!"

*Zeb pulls back the curtain to reveal Kallus standing in a terrarium without glass* Kallus: "Hello children:)"

The kids lose their shit.

When Zeb and Kallus first moved to Lirasan, Kallus was the first human many of the locals had ever seen. As a result many people had questions and some were not as nice about it as others (we've all read the other head cannons). But the kits were always more curious than judgemental. One day a woman made some rude comment about how weird Kallus looked to her and jow he "belongs in a zoo". Unfortunately for her Kallus loves this idea, who told Zeb who started volunteering the very next day.

The rest of the tour is spent with Alex answering all the questions the kits have about being human. Of course Alex get his favorite questions, the one the kids ask every year:"what's your favorite animal?"

Which he answeres by looking longingly at Zeb before saying "loth cats".

The kids all keep the cycle going of not telling the younger kids what Zeb's favorite animal is next year. And thus the legend is born

102 notes - Posted August 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Okay so picture this:

Kallus and Zeb are on a mission together, Kallus does something clever to save the day. But suddenly troopers break down the door and storm the room. As they fight side by side together, Zeb catches Kal's eye, and before he can stop himself he blurts out

Zeb: Hey Kal! Marry me?*throws a storm trooper*

Kallus: Sure. Like now, or later? *shoots a Trooper inches behind Zeb*

Zeb *not fully comprehending what he just said, or the fact that Kal just just said yes*: um, later. But not much later.

Kallus: Okay sounds good.

Storm Trooper: what the hell-*Zeb smashes his face*

*they passionately make out for a few minutes before leaving*

And scene.

117 notes - Posted July 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[itsthebethblogever]

A Bird on Her Journey to Self

If you want to know what I have been up to since graduating high school, here is your answer: I've been trying to figure out what I want to do in life, and having lots ups and downs in the process. Like everyone else. This was written with the intention to share my experiences in the hopes that others can relate/learn/laugh/benefit somehow. Ten years of life in one post. Thanks so much for reading, sending you love, enjoy! ♡

Chapter 1: The Bird Leaves the Nest

The laid back, coastal town of Ventura, California offers many wonderful benefits as a home town: perfect weather, spacious beaches, a county fair, farmers markets, and it's close enough to Los Angeles for a day trip but far away enough to not have big city problems like traffic or pollution. However, its small town vibes can sometimes feel like a suburban bubble of safety, so my curious spirit did not begin to fully emerge until I moved to San Francisco for college at the age of 18. From day one, I hit the ground running. As soon as my dad finished helping me unpack, I ran off with some new friends to the Haight Ashbury district with one goal in mind: get my nose pierced (something I was not allowed to do while living at home). That simple yet important milestone was a physical marker of my breaking away from the herd. Beginning to chart my own path. After a fiery freshman year full of firsts, I left SF to study abroad in Växjö, Sweden, full of confidence and a thirst for even more adventure.

I was 20. I had just begun to see the world. Inspired by living with international students who could all speak at least 2 languages, I set a goal to learn Spanish. The question was: How? I began researching ways to live in a Spanish speaking country and landed on the Peace Corps website. To qualify for a Spanish speaking country, I would need a minimum of 2 semesters of college level Spanish. Well, that would work out just fine! I still had another three more semesters at SF State before I could graduate, so when registration came around, I signed myself up for Spanish. Lovely! My post-college plan became: move to a Spanish speaking country and learn the language.

In my second semester of living in a Scandinavian story tale is when a sweet character by the name of David made his debut. We met during a student trip to Finnish Lapland, when one of our three buses broke down. Instead of having the seat next to me for myself for the long journey north, I had to give it up to make room for the other bus mates. Now, sitting next to me, was a tall, talkative Spaniard. So much for my desire to sleep. We introduced ourselves and he saw I was listening to Bon Iver - of course, this was my sleep playlist - and asked me if I had seen them in concert. Well, turns out we both had, and despite not being a chatty mood, my interest was sparked. We continued connecting and I quickly realized that the more time I spent with him, the more time I wanted to just keep spending more time with him. He charmed me with his music taste, social spirit, but most of all: his loving heart. The only problem was that he was from Terrassa, a city near Barcelona, Spain, which is quite far away from California.

But... it was a Spanish speaking country.

Meaning... that if I moved to Barcelona to be close to David instead of joining the Peace Corps, I would still be accomplishing my post-grad goals. It wasn’t just to pursue a relationship.

So, we went for it.

After a tortuous goodbye in Sweden (and then again in Denmark, as he missed his flight home due to a train strike and ended up staying the night with me and my family who had come to visit, lol), we did not know when we would see each other next. However, we made the decision to stay together. David and I maintained a long-distance relationship - San Francisco to Barcelona - during the year and a half it took me to finish my degree. We saw each other only twice during that span of time. Yeah, ouch. It was extremely hard to be apart for so long, but we were determined to find a way to be together.

As soon as I graduated, I wasted no time. January 2016, two weeks after receiving my degree, I hopped on a flight across the pond and moved into my new au pair family’s apartment in the Vila Olímpica neighborhood of Barcelona. My freshly earned degree in Child and Adolescent Development meant I was passionate about working with kids, so the role was right up my alley. At 22 years old, my new life as a part time mom and part time Spanish language student began. I would get my three trilingual children ready for school with some help from their parents, drop them off, and cycle over to the Escola Oficial d’Idiomes. Classes were four times a week with daily homework, my au pair parents spoke to me exclusively in Spanish, and on the weekends half of my friends spoke to me in Spanish as well.

After three trimesters at EOI over the course of a year and a healthy level of immersion, I passed an official exam and gained the Intermediate Spanish certification. I had done it - I had learned Spanish!

Well, mainly. It took me about another year to really start to feel like I could express my personality in Spanish.

Once I completed my au pair year, I moved in with David and two of his childhood friends (by then, also my close friends) in the Gràcia neighborhood of the city when I was 23. For about six months, I supported myself with a variety of English teaching gigs I had accumulated through connections made at my au pair kids’ schools as well as through other English teaching friends in the city.

Life was a thrill. I still could not believe I was finally living in the same country with David, much less the same room, I was proud that I was able to make enough money just through teaching private classes, I had the social and night life beyond my wildest dreams, and I was doing it all in a city overflowing with art and culture. I was thriving.

However, I could no longer extend my student visa, so I needed to find something else that would allow me to continue living legally in Spain.

So, I found something.

Via the recommendation of friends, I applied, interviewed, and was accepted as a language assistant through the Meddeas program. In the summer of 2017, I went home to California, visited family and friends, and got my new student visa processings done.

August 2017 initiated a new school year and a new chapter in my journey: teaching English to Spanish primary and secondary students while studying an online TEFL course at the Universitat Internacional de Catalunya.

In hindsight, this is where my journey began to stray from my center.

Teaching English had never been a professional dream of mine. It was something I could do, and I absolutely found joy in it; however, the fact that I was thrown into a job with just one real day of training and all of a sudden expected to lesson plan for 11 different classes caused me immense stress in the beginning. Over time it got easier, but there was always a part of me that knew if I could choose, I would be doing something different.

But, I did it.

Why?

Because it allowed me to continue living in Barcelona, a place that now felt like home. It allowed me to continue learning Spanish, which sparked so much fire and fascination in me. It allowed me to continue the flourishing relationships with my sweet partner and the community of friends and family I cherished so deeply.

So, I kept doing it.

After two years of working and studying through Meddeas, I had maxed out the amount of time I could be in the program. The question returned: How could I continue to legally live in Spain?

The answer: Domestic Partnership.

We lawyered up.

David and I were able to apply under the condition that we had been registered as living in the same household for over a year. Some hundreds and thousands of Euros later, I was granted 5 years of residency in Spain that included the right to work. Hallelujah. The end of long days trekking across the province to different official buildings, waiting decades for my little number to appear on a screen, indicating it was finally my turn even though my appointment time had long passed, and praying that the person who attended me would give me their stamp and signature that meant I could advance to the next round of the Red Tape Tango.

Even Jesus could not be saved from the messy misery that is the bureaucratic processes in Spain.

So, it would seem like having my residency settled would open the doors for me to explore more satisfying occupations, buuut it was not that easy.

I was in a foreign country. The primary language of instruction in public schools was Catalan. Even though I worked so hard to learn Spanish, I would still need to learn another language if I wanted to apply to any public school position.

Then, there was the issue of educational qualifications. Europe in general is quite strict with demanding you have the right papers for the right job, and even more so in Catalonia. In the Catalan province, you must have a masters degree to work with high schoolers, the age group that I really did love teaching English. However, getting a masters for a job that still did not ignite every inch of my soul was not something I was ready to sign up for. Plus, it was possible my US bachelor’s degree may not even qualify, and there was no way I was going to do another bachelor’s degree just for that.

At that moment, my two post grad goals had been accomplished: to live in a Spanish speaking country and learn Spanish, which felt great, but I did not have a plan for after that. I began to feel lost.

At the same time as I was going through a professional life crisis, my personal life situation was also undergoing a difficult transition. It was the summer of 2019. David and I were looking to move out of our shared apartment into our own place for the first time.

From the outside, everything seemed glittery and exciting. We had found a beautiful apartment in Gràcia mere footsteps away from our friends, I got my residency, and my unemployed status was not a huge financial stress thanks to David working in tech.

However, my live-in support system, aka my roommates, had been taken away. Moving in with my partner meant it was just us two. When there was any conflict, it no longer dissipated when one of our roomies came home. Our fights were affecting me more, being unemployed sucked, and felt like I had nobody to reach out to since everyone was working or vacationing. Many days, the summer sun was shining bright outside, but inside I felt darkness. For the first time in my life, I fell into a depression. These deep, ugly emotions inside me were new and I did not know how to deal with them. Instead of opening up about how I felt, I tried to keep my emotions hidden in the hopes that I could bounce back on my own without causing others to see this unhappy side of the usually bubbly, carefree Beth.

In the month of July, I found a gig as a camp counselor at an English language summer camp. The hours were long, it was physically and emotionally demanding, and the compensation was minimal. Working at a summer camp did have some fun perks, but overall it felt like I was resorting to a job that was great when I was 15, but not so much when I was 25. It did not feel like progress, so it did not help my mental health.

Once that finished, I began teaching English online to kids in China in the mornings through a US based company called VIP Kid. In the evenings, I got a part-time job teaching English to kids and adults at a language academy in the city.

More English teaching.

Still, not really my passion.

But, I did it.

Why?

I could not find any better options. I knew I did not want to teach English for the rest of my life, but the other jobs I was interested in, like in the special education/psychology field, I could not pursue due to language or bureaucratic barriers. I decided to accept my current job situation, knowing that it was temporary, and continue to look for other positions in the meantime.

But it was not easy. On top of this, my work schedule was now opposite to David’s. His 9-5 job meant that when he came home, I was at my second job. Limited time together further heightened my feelings of aloneness and caused stress for us both. We hardly saw each other during the week, and when we did, we were not at our best selves. This continued for some time, until finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I told David I wanted to break up in March 2020, shortly after my 26th birthday. Yet, it did not end then. It surprised David to know I was that unhappy, as I had been hiding most of my dark emotions in order to convince myself and others that I was okay. We decided we would start having more honest communication and work on our relationship, as we both hoped it could be saved.

Then, the timing of what happened next still makes me chuckle. The Universe heard us asking for more time together, and gave us…

Covid 19.

Yep, Barcelona’s lockdown happened literally days after we almost broke up.

Actually, it couldn’t have come at a better time.

We finally had time to be able to talk, connect, and make the best out of being confined 24/7 together. 

Since the language academy closed, it was easy to convert my online teaching gig to be my primary job, as my Chinese students were all at home too. I taught classes for about four hours a day and spent the rest… however I could. While David continued working, I would usually go up to our building’s rooftop. There, I began to rediscover some of my creative passions I had forgotten about. I bought a drawing pad, wrote poetry, and did lots of journaling.

After a long year locked down with plenty of time to reflect, I came to the difficult conclusion that it was time to end our 6 year relationship. Almost exactly a year later, I turned 27 in February 2021, and made the move.

Something I want to pause and touch on here are my thoughts on ending relationships. Later, when sharing the news to my friends and family, it became apparent that some people feel the need to see ugliness before a breakup. I got a lot of reactions like "What, really? But you seemed so happy!" Yes, we were. But that is not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Personally, I feel like it shows how much I cared about David to never let us get to a point where we were outwardly unhappy. I recognized that my feelings had changed, and rather than repress them to the point where I might start to take it out on him, I made the responsible choice to end things amicably. Movies and pop culture dramatize breakups and show things like throwing their partner's belongings out the window, saying nasty things while screaming at each other, cheating out of spite, and the list goes on. It is sad that we don't have examples of two people who sit down together, have a meaningful conversation, and wish each other the best. Communication is an art that gets easier with practice. We should have as many role models and teachers as possible to help guide us towards the most loving way of relating.

Conscious communication practices are on the uprise, so if learning these essential life skills sounds interesting to you, feel free to contact me and I can help connect you to resources like Instagram accounts to follow, courses to take, etc.

And, unpause.

It was Lunar New Year and from the moment I woke up, I felt like electricity was surging through my body, my heart beat accelerated. It was my body telling me: now or never. I met with my best friend Pat who I made privy to my resolution, and together we developed a plan.

A day later, I sat down with David and had the Talk. I did my best to explain my decision in the most caring way, so for that, I came prepared with a notebook in case the words escaped me in the moment. I knew these were going to be the scenes that would replay in our minds and I wanted to foster the best possible conversations. It absolutely broke my heart but as I spoke my truth, my body felt lighter. We agreed that there would be no contact, to allow both of us to heal. As I did the "hurting", I would not be the one to initiate contact. If the day comes that David would like to speak to me, he could reach out. We did get together a second time a few days later to have another conversation where questions were asked and answered. At the end, we said a more official goodbye that ended in one of the world's saddest hugs. I let him know that I hope we can one day be friends, and I am still hopeful for that. It has been almost two years and we have not exchanged a word. I celebrate how well we have honored the boundaries we set and wish him the absolute best.

Six beautiful years of support, adventure, silliness, passion, growth, and love came to an end. Well, the love will always remain, just in a different container.

Before diving into all the logistics that come after a breakup, Pat invited me to stay the weekend with her family in her hometown. We went on a hike to the top of the Burriac Castle, where I really cried for the first time after the break up. Feeling safe and nurtured in her family's hands, I was able to journal my heart out, have an attentive ear to help me try to figure out what to do next, order pizza, and cry some more. I am forever grateful for all the help and love Pat gave me during my time of need. She is a true loyal Leo protector queen and I love and miss her dearly.

Then, it was back to reality.

I moved all my stuff out of our shared apartment and was temporarily crashing at a friend’s place while she was out of town. I hadn’t really thought about what came next, but it was obvious I needed a new place to live.

I went to see a room that seemed to check all the boxes: good lighting and internet for my online classes, in the same neighborhood so I’d still have all my friends and shops I was loyal to around me, but it was then when I realized - how can I start a new chapter of my life in the same city with the same job and the same limitations?

I cannot.

So, I didn’t.

I decided it was time to move back home.

In the span of two weeks, I packed up my five years of life into three boxes, two backpacks, one suitcase, and one duffel bag. The process of donating, gifting, and purging my material belongings was therapeutic. The process of saying goodbye to my community of friends that had become my family was heartbreaking.

Is heartbreaking.

But I had to do it.

Like a phoenix, I had to set fire to everything familiar so I could be reborn from the ashes. Just like that, I said adéu, t'estimo to the five year Barcelona chapter of my life.

Chapter 2: The Bird Returns to the Nest

On the flight to California, I realized I was not moving back home. Barcelona was my home. It had been four years since I had stepped foot on the West Coast, and I had no idea what I was going to do (as per usual).

March 1st, 2021. My first full day in Ventura, California in years. It was more clear than ever that I was basically a foreign person in my hometown, and I did not feel like I fit in. Immediately, I threw myself into researching any and all opportunities to leave the US. I applied to teach English in Korea and was rejected - maybe because of my tattoos? Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be. Next, I applied for an English Teaching position in Costa Rica through the Peace Corps, thinking I could fulfill that post-graduation idea I had so many years ago. I got an interview and then after was politely explained that all of the programs are on pause due to Miss Rona and they would let me know once they reopened. Tampoco ain’t gonna do it. After that, I began throwing my resume at any and all English teaching positions at international schools in the Middle East, Southeast Asia, you name it… but nothing stuck.

Soon, I came to terms with that my intention to touch down in Ventura just to jet off again was not realistic. Covid meant that many borders were closed and programs on pause. So, when a recruiter contacted me on Linkedin for a job as a Support Counselor with Aspiranet, my eyes opened wide with interest at the job description. Behavioral coaching for youth clients in Ventura County? Required a bachelor’s degree in social work/psychology/child development? Increased pay for bilingual candidates? Experience working with high risk youth or special education preferred? The description seemed to be tailored for me. I felt the flame of inspiration ignite, so I applied and was offered the job. I absolutely loved it. Finally, I was back to doing something I was passionate about, and the experience I gained was just as rewarding as the difference I was making in my client’s lives.

Still, my goal to move abroad was clear, and I continued to search for ways to do so. I applied to volunteer as an English Director through a program in Brazil that also practiced eco-friendly living, organic farming, and environment conservation. Even though it was teaching English, I saw this as a beautiful way to also have the opportunity to learn about the other projects going on at the center that fascinated me. After an interview, I was offered the position!

…and got a DUI.

Just when I thought I finally found a plan that felt right, life smacked me in the face and said “think again”. My dreams were shattered.

Here is where I should maybe add a little context and do that adult thing called “take responsibility”. After so many years in a relationship, I was granting myself permission to be wild and free on the weekends. However, as a Scorpio Moon, Jupiter, and Pluto, I crave intensity and become obsessive in my search for taboo adventures. That manifested in a way where I was pushing boundaries of what was safe to their limit, too often. The Universe gave me plenty of opportunities to learn my lesson the easy way, granting me safe passage during many other instances where I drove under the influence. But, I did not listen, and continued on with my reckless behavior until finally I was forced to learn the hard way.

And it sucked.

Not only did I have to spend all the money I had saved on legal fees and fines, but I now had three months of programs I had to attend. My job as a Support Counselor was half spent driving around Ventura County visiting my clients, so I quickly decided that would not be worth the extra insurance and IDD device I’d need to install just to keep the job.

So now what?

Back to the drawing board.

Sigh.

After shedding many tears, therapy sessions, conversations with family and friends, and deep suffering, it hit me: A remote job. It would be the perfect compromise. Instead of quitting my job and using my savings to volunteer and travel, I would get a remote job so I could still travel and have the means to do so. Frantically, I began applying for anything and everything remote. Thanks to a family friend, I was referred and accepted as a Client Coordinator with Cerebral, an online mental health startup company. Well, weeks before beginning training, Cerebral said they no longer needed Client Coordinators (small heart attack) but if I was interested in being a Phone Coordinator, there was still a job for me. Uh, okay, as long as it was remote, I was willing to do pretty much anything. I accepted without much hesitation, though the idea of answering phones instead of emails did not thrill me.

 It would be my first customer service job, and as it was still related to my field of interest, I figured there would be value to seeing the business/insurance/billing side. As soon as I finished training, I packed up my life, again, and purchased a one-way ticket to Mexico City. Since I had visited the city before and already had friends there, it felt like somewhere I could start rebuilding the sense of community that I so yearned while also fulfilling my international desire.

So, I did it.

I will never forget the surge of emotions that overcame me the moment the plane lifted off the runway at LAX. The tears came pouring out before I even realized I was crying. Freedom. Independence. Finally, after a year of living at home, I felt like I was back in life’s driver’s seat.

Chapter 3: The Bird Gets Her Wings Back

At 4:39 am on April 3rd, 2022, two days after moving into an apartment in Juárez, Mexico City, I wrote this:

“I’m having so much fun being alive-

—and living and being here that I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t even want to close my eyes.

I’m too happy.

There’s too much I want to absorb.

Everything feels electric. I feel literally charged and hypervolted with energy. 

This. Is. My. Fucking PLACE!!!

Note to self: never again accept less than this. Or if you do, know it is temporary and I will always find a way back.”

Now 28 years old, the feeling of power I felt when I left Barcelona had finally returned. I could learn Mexican Spanish. I could walk to the market to buy my groceries. I could even do my court ordered programs, as they were through Zoom. But, most importantly, I could surround myself with people and experiences that would help guide me on my path.

Almost immediately, I became immersed in Mexico City’s spiritual community. After meeting lots of beautiful souls at an event hosted by the Open/Sex-Positive Community, I began running into the same people at other events, in the streets, at friend’s houses, etc. Also, there is a Whatsapp group for pretty much any interest you may have. For my US readers who may be unfamiliar with Whatsapp, the first thing you should know is that we are pretty much the only country who doesn't use it. Adding that to the list of things we do differently. All it is is a messaging app, but the big advantages of using that over iMessage or texting is that it just uses Internet. That being said, there is no polarizing "blue or green" texts to mess up a group chat, making it much more conducive to creating large group chats for as many as 1,000 users.

Just like that, Mexico City felt like home. My job became pretty easy once I got the hang of it, and because I worked smarter and not harder, I was able to enjoy life pretty much exactly how I wanted to. I was living my best life.

One night, while hanging out with my dear friend Bailey at her apartment, she remarked "Didn't you want to do a peyote ceremony? They're posting about one on the Hermanas Hermosas group". Hermanas Hermosas is a global feminine movement that has a Whatsapp group for pretty much every major city around the world and many others for smaller towns but with a spiritual community present. Some get so big that they have to separate into smaller topics as to not spam everyone in Mexico City with apartment ads if they aren't looking for an apartment. In this case, there was a post in the Hermanas Wellness group sharing that sure enough, a peyote ceremony was being led by two women up north in the very desert to which the plant is native.

I sprang into action, as it was Wednesday, and the trip left that very Friday morning. Thanks to the help of my friends, I was able to collect the necessary supplies for a night out in the desert under the stars, called in sick to work that Friday, and I was off to experience the healing powers of hikuri.

It would be wonderful to tell you that I had a powerful, life transformational experience sitting with this medicine; however, that Thursday before the ceremony, I got some awful stomach bug. That day, I could not keep down even water, and I toyed heavily with the idea of cancelling the trip. However, there was no way I was going to miss what I felt was an opportunity that did not come many times, so I came armed with anti-stomach-explodey pills and somehow got myself to the meeting point that Friday morning.

With the group, we went out into the desert with flashlights to find and harvest our cacti medicine. Then, we set up around a fire, prepared the plants, made a delicious tea full of medicinal herbs and more cacti, and prepared the ceremony. My intention was to ask for guidance on what is my purpose. After consuming the recommended dose, about half an hour, I had an euphoric beginning to the trip. Then, I felt called to lay down in my sleeping bag, so I listened to my body and got comfortable. I fell asleep for the majority of the night. Upon waking up, I was initially quite mad - I came all the way out to the desert and I didn't get to talk to the blue stag spirit of peyote? However, I do believe the message was that I needed to give myself time to rest. Living in a city as active and exciting as CDMX meant that most of my free time was spent out of the house, and that was probably not the way I would find clarity. Also, I learned the importance of not having any expectations.

Three months into Mexico City living, Australia announced they were finally re-opening their borders. To my family and I, that meant we could finally get the chance to visit my brother Jesse and sister-in-love Kiki (because “sister-in-law” just doesn’t fit) who had been living on the strictly locked down island since Covid began. This meant I could either keep paying rent while I was away in order to keep my apartment, or… an idea sprouted.

Instead of coming back to Mexico City, I could move out of my apartment, and start to travel Mexico when I got back. The city was feeling comfortable, which was lovely, but also a sign that it’s time to move on. I had developed a support network that gave me the confidence I needed to spread my wings.

It was decided. When I returned to Mexico from Australia in August, I flew back to CDMX for a short visit, then began my solo exploration of the country.

Chapter 4: The Bird Migrates Farther South

Now that I had nourished the soil and grown new roots, I was craving expansion towards the sun. The previous months’ themes were reestablishing confidence in myself, completing DUI obligations, and building up my savings again. Here is the part of my journey where I feel like my real growth starts. 

After months of hearing stories and recommendations, I decided I would start my nomadic chapter in the state of Oaxaca. First stop was Puerto Escondido, known as one of the best surf spots in the world and for its hippy party vibes. As I do not surf nor was in a partying mode, I did not fall head over heels for the town. The main areas were mostly filled with other international folk, which was a con for me, as I wanted to leave the bubble of Mexico City to get to know a more authentic side of Mexico.

As soon as I arrived in Puerto, I felt stressed to find friends. Company. Community. I knew a handful of people from CDMX who happened to be there at the same time, connected with some friends of friends, and met people on my own. Despite this, my social life was the area where I felt the most resistance. I was expecting the luck and speed I found people in Mexico City to be the same there. Well, that was not the case. And this frustrated me. Which forced me to take a step back and reflect - why did this cause me frustration? Was I putting too much value on spending time with others instead of just enjoying life?

…Ope.

Yep.

Out of discomfort came a lesson: I should be acting as my #1 source of company and entertainment. And, quality over quantity. This is a lesson I had begun to learn already when I moved back to Ventura, my mainly friend-less hometown; however, this time, it resonated on an even smaller scale: if I have to choose between doing something with an acquaintance vs. doing it alone, I would much rather be alone.

One night under an almost full moon, I decided I would lead my own healing ceremony instead of going out. I brought my crystals, candles, journal, and rapé upstairs to the rooftop of the house I was staying in, feeling quite proud of my fully equipped witchy starter pack. For those who don’t know, rapé (pronounced RAH-pay) is a type of plant medicine made mainly of tobacco. Usually, a pea sized amount of the powdered plant is blown into your nose through a pipe, either by yourself or another person. The first time I did a rapé ceremony was with my brother in Australia, who administered it to me. This would be just my second time using this plant medicine, and the first time from the nasal spray bottle Jesse and Kiki gifted to me.

Prepared with Kleenex and a trash can in case of possible purging, I shot a spray of medicinal tobacco into each of my nostrils and relaxed back into a hammock. The sensation started by feeling like the lights inside my brain suddenly surged on, and then a tingly wave washed down from the top of my body all the way down to my toes. It was very similar to the feeling of adrenaline, except more powerful and also quite dizzying. The mango I ate earlier was all of a sudden no longer welcome in my stomach.

About five to ten minutes passed where I felt nausea and ecstasy at the same time. The urge to yell and clear my throat arose, and I realized I should be using my Voice more, as what I have to say has value. Then, in this state of clarity and heightened awareness, an idea zapped into my mind - weekend retreats for girls. All around me there are retreats offered for adults focused on various spiritual offerings, but why not kids, too?

Whoa.

That was something to think about.

I took out my journal and began agreeing with all those Instagram posts that talk about how the greatest growth is done in solitude

I resolved to do this more often.

So, I gave gratitude to Puerto Escondido for its technicolor sunsets, dreamy beaches, and the ability to party barefoot or in Crocs and flew back to CDMX. There I met one of my best friends from Barcelona who was in Mexico traveling with his partner.

After keeping it relatively chill in terms of partying in Puerto, I was excited to let go in the city. Unfortunately, on our first night out, my phone and wallet were stolen out of my fanny pack.

Aaaarrggg!

WhHyyy, again, when I felt like I was in such a sweet groove, did I have to be punished?

I guess I had mOrE lEsSoNs iN rEsPoNsIbiLItY tO lEaRn, said with my hands on my hips, my mouth pursed, and my eyes glaring.

As any mature adult would.

Fortunately, my community jumped in right away to support me, with a temporary phone to borrow and money to lend. My mom and I worked relentlessly in attempts to get a new phone sent to me from the US before my flight back to Oaxaca, but Mexican customs said “jaja, na”.

So, off I went, back to the coast of Oaxaca, with my iPhone sequestered in CDMX customs, and a Kodak brand phone as my new travel buddy. My next destination: Mazunte, a town a little over an hour south of Puerto Escondido that boasts the title of being one of Mexico’s 132 “Pueblos Mágicos”. It became obvious very quickly that the town was indeed a magical one.

Chapter 5: The Bird Questions Her Reality

Even though I was in Mazunte for just two weeks, it felt like two decades. Some of the beaches there have black sand, due to underwater volcanic eruptions reaching the shore. This meant the sand was literally magnetic, an effect I felt made time pass slower and in a more relaxed way there than anywhere I’d ever traveled to. The town was the perfect size for me: there was one main road, unpaved, that led to the beach with some side streets, little shops, and cafes with palapa style roofs made of palm leaves. A mix of national and international humans exchanged real eye contact and smiles when passing each other on the street. There was a lot to smile about when living in a hippie paradise surrounded by lush, tropical foliage like coconut and banana trees.

In the midst of all this abundance is where the concept of “The Matrix” really entered my consciousness, thanks to conversations with many of the town's eclectic souls. Bear with me as I take a break from the narration of events to share the journey of how Mazunte really brought the red pill / blue pill metaphor to light.

Take my job as an example: Monday - Friday from 11am to 8pm, with the exception of an hour lunch break, I am expected to be in front of a laptop, aka plugged into The Matrix. The rest of the world basically ceases to exist as I listen to the concerns of people on the other line, pressing buttons that cause prescribers to order prescriptions, pharmacists to dispense medication, therapists to attend patients, banks to deposit refunds, etc etc. In this way, if you look at my job with a wide angle lens, I am altering the reality of people thousands of miles away with the sound of my voice and the touch of my fingers against the keyboard. Why? Multiple reasons. Mainly, because it’s my job, so I have been told that if I do so, I will get paid.

To counter, there is more motivation than just money for me in my role. I believe that we deliver services that really are helping people, and I also know that I spread as much love and light into every interaction possible. So, I hold onto the knowledge that I am planting seeds of positivity in the vulnerable hearts of humans seeking mental health services as another reason, apart from money, that I do my job.

Alright, then, now the big question - would I still do this job if I wasn’t paid?

Honestly, no. Or at least for a lot less hours a day.

Aha.

So, what would I like to do? What skills do I possess that I could offer the world if the Matrix ceased to exist?

Feel free to take a break here and join me in one of my daily existential crises.

In that magical town where nobody seems to know what day or time it is, I toyed heavily with the idea of indefinitely powering off my work laptop and surrendering fully to the fate of the Universe. I could teach English at the school there, or online, or something.

But that’s the problem.

I still didn’t have a goal or idea to motivate me enough to take a risk that big.

So, I didn’t take the red pill.

I did not feel ready.

My Kodak Moment, as I referred to my phone, greatly limited my ability to communicate and stay connected to loved ones. My iPhone was still collecting dust in Mexico City’s customs and I wanted my high tech cyborg brain back. Also, I had more travel plans ahead of me that required money, so a steady paycheck and an ever-increasing savings account would help me reach those dreams with ease. So, I continued with my blue pill work routine, choosing comfort over freedom from the Man.

But, with knowledge comes power. Mazunte changed me. I set a goal: Develop skills that would allow me more freedom in how I make a living. Rather than invest time in a company so it could make money, I wanted to invest time in me so I could support myself on my own. For one, I would need a new laptop, as we all know technology is a useful tool for learning and making connections. With that in mind, I decided it would be the easiest and cheapest to work on attaining technological autonomy back home in California. With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I decided that would be a perfect time to go home and be surrounded by sweet, familial love as well as take advantage of the benefits of capitalism.

With some tangible goals set in place, the storm in my mind began to settle down. A compass and a map helps greatly in navigating the ever changing winds of life. However, the journey ahead still lacked clarity. I knew what tools I would search for while at my next port; however, there was still the unanswered question my whole crew was waiting on: Where are we going next?

Chapter 6: The Bird Continues Her Search

My course veered north towards the mountains, with a big chunk of my heart left behind in Mazunte. For the next two weeks, I explored the high elevation towns of San Jose del Pacifico and San Mateo del Rio Hondo. To me, San Jose’s nickname should be “Mushroom Disneyland'' due to the fact that the majority of travelers who go there are seeking to experience psychedelic mushrooms. The knowledge of this practice was originally brought to the town by María Sabina, the famous chamanic healer. With a view of endless mountain ridges, I sat in my room with the sacred medicine and asked for clarity as to what is my life’s purpose, but unfortunately did not get the answers I had hoped for. I did, however, eat some of the best mushroom soup and quesadillas ever, and marveled at the way the clouds gracefully changed form over the endless mountain peaks.

I wished I could change as gracefully as those clouds.

In San Mateo del Rio Hondo, I got to experience a non-touristy mountain town, just 30 minutes away from Mushroom Disneyland. The scenery was also stunning, and I could enjoy them from a cozy cabin that was half the price of what I paid in San Jose and double the amount of space. Also, for the first time in weeks, I could cook in my living space, as where I stayed in Mazunte and San Jose had no kitchens. I enjoyed playing house in my little cabin, buying freshly cooked beans and tortillas from a woman that sold them from her kitchen down the street, and worked outside on my balcony with a view.

Next up on the tour of Oaxaca state was Oaxaca de Juárez, aka Oaxaca city. My first question was: have you ever seen the word “Oaxaca” used 3 times in one sentence? Hehehe ok only joking. My first impression was that it was jarring coming to a city after being held so gently in small towns surrounded by nature. But, reliable Wifi and finally getting my iPhone back were welcome pros.

My intentions going into that leg of the trip were to consume so much mole that it would become my blood type as well as experience all the Día de los Muertos magic possible. It was time to have a break from my intense self reflection and relax a bit.

There was one other city resource I was eager to take advantage of - health clinics. I had decided I wanted to get my IUD removed, for a number of reasons. Since the age of 17, I had been on some form of hormonal birth control. Now, at 28, I was getting the feeling that maybe I wasn't able to find clarity due to being less connected to my body's natural rhythms. I had been learning about how a women's wisdom comes from our womb and I wanted to get in touch with mine. Initially, the lack of having a period excited me when I got my IUD inserted in March 2021 (when I moved back to the US); however, I actually missed my monthly reminder of my feminine power. Being around so many spiritual women who cherished and ritualized their moon cycle also animated my interest to do the same.

Another reason was that when talking to women my age and older, they shared with wild glints in their eyes about feeling their sex drives begin to increase. This is usually the case as we get into our 30's, but I was just not feeling it. I wanted that wild glint, too. And finally, in the simplest of ways, I was excited to return to a body that was 100% natural, for the sake of my own physical health.

In the first week of my stay in Oaxaca, I was connected with a goddess named Marluy I met through the Hermanas Hermosas Oaxaca Whatsapp group when asking for a hairdresser recommendation. During my haircut, I shared my thoughts with her about my IUD, she supported my idea to get it removed, and discussed her own journey. It was the final motivation I needed to schedule an appointment. The very next day, she accompanied me to a clinic where I bid farewell to my Mirena. She held my hand and brought me lentils and a mix of feminine herbs to make tea in case of cramps. What a blessing it was to be supported by a sister in my time of need.

To allow myself time to reconnect with my body, I decided to combine the removal of my IUD with the start of intentional celibacy. This would be quite the new journey for me, as I love casual physical connections, but I was interested in experimenting in something different. Again influenced by other women around me and a podcast episode, the idea of saving my intimacy for myself and only the highest level connection was empowering.

Later on in the month, I was grateful to reunite with my good friend Bailey, who had also decided to leave Mexico City to check out Oaxaca's famous Muertos celebrations. We agreed that Oaxaca’s food reputation lived up to the hype as we explored the wide array of restaurants together. Additionally, the nearby towns are full of natural and cultural allure, and I had a blast exploring it all.

Yet, despite trying to give myself a break, the feelings of frustration and being stuck remained. I was filled with the feeling that I wanted to move forward, like a constant push, but I was unsure of where to direct that energy.

On one of those days when I was feeling extra discouraged, I decided I had to do something to give myself a feeling of hope.

I opened up an application for a working holiday visa in Australia.

That’s how everyone solves their problems, right? Find a new country and make plans to go there? No? Hmm, can’t relate (hehehe).

Anyway, I was granted the visa two days after I sent in the application. This brought me immediate, immense relief, like I had finally found a trail marker after wandering aimlessly for weeks - “This Way: Australia”. A clear option I could use to get myself out of the rut I was in.

Getting the visa was not as entirely spontaneous as it may sound. Ever since learning about the working holiday visa in high school, I knew it was something I wanted to take advantage of before I turned 30, which was approaching. The plan became: explore the remaining regions of Mexico left on my list while continuing to work for Cerebral, then jet off across the globe to a country where the work conditions and pay seemed to be a much healthier balance than my current situation.

In the Land Down Unda, you can actually make a decent salary from just a part time job, a concept completely alien to your average United Statesarian. With more free time, I could take courses, have hobbies, and overall have more than just the weekend to explore my interests. That sounded like a great environment to continue my self discovery mission.

Hilariously enough, that very week, I received an email from the Peace Corps inviting me to serve in the Dominican Republic as a Spanish Secondary School Teacher. Remember back when I moved home from Barcelona, I had applied and interviewed? They stayed in touch by email, asking me once every couple of moons to see that if I wasn’t invited to serve in X country, would I be open to serve in Y, Z, etc country? Always wanting to keep my options open, I would reply “yes, I’ll go anywhere Spanish speaking”. After months of playing this game, it made me want to pull my hair out that I had finally achieved a goal that I worked towards, but at such the wrong time. They gave me just a weekend to make my decision, so even though I felt honored to have been offered this opportunity, it did not spark joy. I checked the “decline invitation” box, sent a thank you email, and moved on. Aaarggg.

On October 28, 2023, the kickoff event of the Día de los Muertos celebration was a free concert in the Plaza de la Danza. During a parade, I linked up with a big group of travelers from a Whatsapp group, and we excitedly walked alongside masked and painted people so gorgeously done up and making all of my Coco movie dreams come to life. Upon arrival at the plaza, we walked through the crowd to find a spot to watch the concert. I reached into my bag to take out my phone, and to my absolute rage, found it had been stolen.

Again.

Not even a month after I got it back from Mexican customs. Someone had cut a slit into the side of my fabric tote bag and taken it out without me feeling a thing.

Now a pro in getting my phone stolen, a kind friend I had made in the city and I went to the police station two days in a row, as I was determined to do everything possible to try to retrieve my expensive rectangular block. They took us to the location as shown on the Find My iPhone app, talked to the neighbors, but were unable to retrieve it. Not much of a surprise, but I had to try. At least this time I knew I would be home soon where I could use insurance to get a replacement. However, it drove me up the wall that the same thing had happened again so soon. Plus I found out I still had to pay a deductible for the insurance, causing me to have to dip into my Australia savings fund.

When are phones going to just be installed into our eyeballs? That should be thief-proof… right?

Anyway, I gave my best wishes that whoever took it was able to provide for themselves and/or family because of it, and that they may one day find a path that brings them self-sustaining financial wealth. The money I lost would come back to me ten fold.

Time to move on.

As I boarded the bus from Oaxaca city to Mexico City, the end of my Tour of Oaxaca State Life Chapter materialized before my eyes. Present turned into the past tense. My eyes welled with emotion and my heart felt so many feelings: amazement, sadness, pride… and gratitude. So much gratitude. August in Puerto Escondido and Mexico City, September in Mazunte and the Sierra Sur mountains, and October in Oaxaca de Juárez. What I was craving more than anything at that moment was family and community. Empowering as it is to depend fully on myself, life is all about balance, and I was ready to go home and let someone else take care of me.

Chapter 7: The Bird is Ready for Some Serious Nest Time

Before flying back to California, I spent a week in Mexico City reconnecting with my community. The process of reflecting upon my months of adventures and growth began as I caught up with beloved friends. Then, it was off to LAX to make it home in time for Thanksgiving. The Beth who was home in July vs the Beth who came home in November felt more centered, more confident, and closer to finding clarity… but still, not quite there.

Patience. I was doing my best to be patient with myself.

Meanwhile, I accepted all of the love and help of my incredible family.

It is a glorious gift to be able to have a safe and nurturing nest to be able to lay down my tired wings.

At home, I called on more than just my family to help guide me to clarity - I also reached out to a professional. Back in Mazunte, my cabin buddy had introduced me to the podcast As Above, So Below, hosted by Cato, a professional astrologer and business coach. I had been wanting to get a reading done for so long but hadn’t found the right person or moment. Once I finished listening to every podcast episode, I knew she was it. I booked the session for the day before Thanksgiving.

To nobody’s surprise, my biggest hope for the reading was to gain insight as to what I should do with my life. As Cato specializes in Evolutionary Astrology, that is one of the main offerings of this way of interpreting charts: to discover what is my soul’s blueprint and life purpose.

If I had to describe the session in three words, they would be Unlock, Recharge, and Inspire.

Hearing her describe my planets, houses, and transits affirmed ideas I had been toying around with as well as lit up new neural pathways. It was like the dark sky was suddenly filled with bright stars, all within touchable distance. Like the cosmos, they were there all along, I was just given the guidance to look up and identify them. After she articulated so many of my innate talents and interests, I felt like I had all the ingredients laid out in front of me. The only question remaining was: what recipe would I choose? (Yes I used two metaphors in one paragraph and yes I’m keeping them both. I’m an Aquarius sun and will rebel against all rules, and a stubborn Taurus rising who will find any excuse to talk about food. Hehehe)

Days after the reading, Cato reached out to me to let me know she was having a Black Friday sale on her upcoming Astrology Course offering. With hardly a second thought, I signed up. It felt perfectly in line with my goal to invest in myself and my passions, one of them having always been astrology. Since it was presented to me so easily in my path, my gut said go for it. TIme to start breaking patterns and doing something new! Excitement fluttered in my heart and fresh doors of opportunity began constructing themselves in my brain.

Other housekeeping items I got done at home was pressing the Reset button on my material belongings to reprogram for a new chapter. I had been lugging around a 50 pound suitcase, duffel bag, and backpack throughout Oaxaca and I was so ready to downsize. It was all too clear that I had been holding on to too much, making it difficult to move - physically, and metaphorically. This time, I mindfully stocked my backpacking backpack with clothes for both hot and cold weather, made the painful decision to leave behind my nail polish collection, and added my newly acquired travel yoga mat and iPad to the set up. Instead of carrying around my markers, colored pencils, crayons, drawing pad, and books, I decided that an iPad would fulfill my artistic desires when they arrived, act as a reader for any book I may want, and be a replacement for my work laptop when the time came to quit my job. The cherries on top were a Swiss army knife keychain and a headlamp, gifted to me by my dad. Never underestimate the value of either of those tools.

After two weeks at home, it was back to LAX . There is a special type of confidence inspired by the feeling of being prepared for anything with just the gear carried on your back. I decided to begin this leg of Mexico travels in a new way: previously, I had booked in advance all the places I stayed in. However, this time, I decided to try something different - stay in a hostel for the weekend and look for a place once I got there.

Why? (a question especially asked by my plan-loving parents)

I wanted to try trusting the Universe.

To do something different to then trigger new outcomes. I was trying to get unstuck, and that would not happen by doing things the same way.

Plus, seeing places in person is way different than online. An added bonus.

After taking the first day to get a lay of the land, do a free walking tour, and get added to a Whatsapp group for housing, my second day in San Cristóbal de las Casas had a clear goal: find a place to rent by the end of the day. That Sunday turned into a real life International House Hunters episode and I had a blast. I visited three apartments, made a little visual of their pros and cons, but in the end, I relied most on my intuition to guide me to make a decision.

Of the three, there was one that stood out. It was a suite style apartment in a compound with a garden and sixteen total units, the majority occupied by young, international humans. As an added bonus, across the street was a community center that hosted donation based dinners every Friday, organized in part by some of the neighbors in my apartment building. 

Community.

It came with a built-in community.

Now, wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing to be able to filter for in an apartment searching app?

Happy as a clam, I unpacked my things and began the nesting process. San Cristóbal de las Casas, or San Cris for short, is a Pueblo Mágico in the state of Chiapas, nestled 2,200 m (7,200 ft) up in the mountains. Just like my previous travels, trusted sources had recommended this town for reasons such as its abundant nature, indigenous cultural presence, and spiritual community presence.

In San Cris, I decided that my intention was to stay put. I had realized that as much as I love exploring, it is time consuming to make reservations, figure out buses, be in transit, get settled in a new place, etc etc. Instead, I wanted to use my free time to focus on my own projects.

Do less to do more.

Crisp, sunny days and chilly nights aligned beautifully with my intentions. Cold climates naturally bring out my more hermetic qualities, perfect for the introspection and focus for which I was yearning. Yet, the same frustration bubbled up.

What is my purpose? What am I doing? Where am I going?

Again, and again, and again, these heavy hitting questions flooded my brain, and I was still drowning. Yes, I had my ideas, but I felt like I needed to start making progress and I didn't know where to begin.

I needed fresh air. A new strategy.

A lightbulb clinked on in my brain: I should write about my journey.

Like a hike in the woods, if you realize you are lost, it is not recommended to keep moving forward. Instead, you should either stay where you are, or try to backtrack. Did I feel lost in the woods? Yes. So, maybe if I took the time to map out my past, I could get an idea of where I am now.

Now, isn’t it funny how the expression “we teach best what we most need to learn” is so spot on? I am passionate about mental health and work in the field, yet, I struggle to remember to use the very coping strategies I recommend.

Welp, better late than never.

So, I got to the mission. Every morning before work, I would get out my laptop and start writing. Instead of just journaling about this for my own sake, I decided that sharing my story could help others who might be feeling the same way. As children, we read books that help us learn to share, resolve conflicts, and be a better person. Where are the stories for young adults?

Always loving a good visual aid, the idea of a bird’s journey resonated as a way to structure the long tale I set out to tell.

And here we are now.

Chapter 8: What Happened Once the Bird Finally Stayed Still

Isolating myself during the week to focus on writing and work was easier knowing that on Friday night, I had a reliable plan: walk across the street to the Casa Lab community space for the weekly dinner. This completely erased the usual New Place routine of “how will I make friends? Where should I go? What if I don’t meet anyone and then I waste my time and money?” At Casa Lab, I already knew two of my neighbors would be there. I shared the invitation in the group chat with the rest of my apartment complex as well. And, since it was so close to my home, there was no need to worry about what time I finished work, how to get there, if I would be arriving late, etc, etc. All family style, all close to home, all inclusive. No resistance in sight.

There, I began making connections with people who all chose to eat family style over any other Friday night plan. This meant that we all valued community. With that already in common, I felt more confident that the people I met there were the type of people I wanted to be spending time around.

Just like that, San Cris felt like home. My new friends invited me to movies, dinners, day trips, and even a big family style Christmas (/Hanukkah, hehe) dinner. Even though I was feeling so happy with my community there and my experiment in staying static, months ago I had taken off the first week of January to allow myself to explore Guatemala. I had doubts about going, thinking maybe I should just stay in San Cris to do more writing, connecting, etc, but my gut said no - give yourself this vacation. Chase your dreams. Go be free.

There was also another reason why I wanted to get to know Guatemala: my maternal great grandfather is Guatemalan. Carlos Eduardo Lascoutx Campo was a pilot in the Guatemalan Air Force who planted his seed during a trip to California. My great grandmother, Claudia Rateaver, was not ready for the responsibility of being a mother and put their boy up for adoption. Claud Rateaver became James Dale Macomber upon adoption. My grandfather. After he found out he was adopted, he got in contact with his biological mother Claudia, and developed a passion to trace his biological family. With my grandmother and their four kids, they spent years traveling the world to research and document our family tree. Thanks to that, we have two published books that contain cataloged data of our family roots. No need to sign up for Ancestry.com for my mom’s side of the family!

Pretty incredible, huh? I am in awe of their work and so grateful for the time they took to connect with such long reaching branches of our family tree.

Getting back to the story, before the trip, I did some research as to where I wanted to go in Guatemala and what I wanted to do. I had heard about the overnight trip to the Acatenango Volcano, where you could see the active volcano Fuego erupting at night.

Lava. Real life lava.

My inner child overflowed with delight at the prospect, as little Beth was obsessed with dinosaurs and all types of natural disasters.

Then, someone I met at an Airbnb back in CDMX had told me that Lake Atitlán, the deepest lake in Central America, was a place people flocked to for New Years. Deciding it would be nice to ring in the New Years surrounded by nature, I booked a shuttle to Panajachel, one of the twelve towns that surround the lake.

And that was the end of my plans.

I booked nothing but the transportation there and decided to leave everything absolutely open for the eleven days I had off. To continue my exploration of surrendering to the Universe, I would rely on my intuition to guide me and flow with whatever felt right.

I believe that that was the key that unlocked a trip that gave me more than I could have ever imagined.

Chapter 9: The Bird Discovers a Magic Lake

On the journey to the lake, the people I made friends with in the bus were all going to the same place: the Cosmic Convergence Festival. I had heard of the festival and knew someone from San Cris was going, but it was pretty expensive, and I did not want to commit to anything in advance. However, one of my guiding principles is to be around people I want to be like, so judging from the fact that the people I seemed to vibe with the most on the bus were going to the festival, I decided it was a sign that that is where I should go, too.

Something fascinating I learned from a person I met on the bus, Cozcacuahutli (or Cozcatl for short) from Mexico, is that at the bottom of Lake Atitlán is a submerged Mayan village. Basically a Guatemalan Atlantis. Then, let’s not forget that the lake is bordered by not one, not two, but three volcanoes. That’s a lot of fiery, spiritual energy for one lake.

Upon arrival in Panajachel, Cozcatl and I put our belongings down in a room rented to us by a friend of his. Exhausted from the 13 hour journey across Mexico and Guatemala, we ate dinner, browsed the unbelievably creative and colorful textiles for sale, then called it an early night.

The next morning, we crossed paths with three other people headed to the festival, Joey, Daniella, and Michael. They invited us to join forces and charter a ride directly to Santiago, the town where the festival was held. As we sped across the choppy waters, I got my first daytime view of Lake Atitlán.

I was taken aback.

The three volcanoes seemed to have a humble, graceful presence, kind of like big dog energy: they were aware of their grand beauty and power, but did think themselves better than anyone because of it. As my mouth gaped open, Joey shared that he had manifested some of his greatest dreams at this lake. Zaps of electricity sparked inside me and I felt the magic energy of the lake light me up. Big things were coming, I could feel it.

Exhilarated by the brisk winds of the boat ride, we arrived in Santiago hungry for the next adventure. We parted ways with the three musketeers and bumped our way in a tuk tuk across cobblestones and dirt roads to the festival entrance. Cozcatl met up with some friends of his and after setting up the tent and painting our faces, I was eager to check out this new environment on my own. While walking around, a woman announced the beginning of a self defense workshop, so I took that as my opportunity to separate myself from the group. Immersing myself in all that the festival had to offer began.

At the workshop, I connected with a woman who had been given a big tent in the artist’s camping section to stay in, as she was going to step in and play drums for a band in need. She offered to share her tent with me, which I gratefully accepted, as Cozcatl’s tent would have been a little snug for two. Once my sleeping situation was settled, I was in need of some alone time, so I found a path to the water and took out my journal.

I closed my eyes and breathed, in and out deeply.

I felt the brisk air fill my lungs and after a few moments, reopened my eyes.

Somehow, I was at a music festival on a lake with a sunken ancient town at the bottom and volcanoes all around. I felt deep gratitude for the ability to be alive in such a special place and thanked myself for all the work I did to bring me there. It was December 30th, 2022 and time to set intentions for the New Year.

When pen hit the paper, the difference between writing my intentions for 2022 and for 2023 was clear: this time, I wrote detailed, specific goals. Instead of just “work hard on passion projects”, I specified that I wanted to write in my blog at least once every three months, host one storytelling event, etc. Manifesting my dreams using the magic of the lake inspired me, and I felt the beauty surrounding me seep into my every cell.

I soaked it up like a sponge.

I became as present as possible, consciously anchoring myself in that moment so I could later come back to that feeling whenever I may desire.

Inspired by the idea of using the lake’s mystical energy to manifest my own dreams, I decided to open up about some of the concepts I had been developing and see what it felt like to share them. With surprising speed, the Universe ushered people who mirrored my state of consciousness into my path: astrologers, female program leaders, community builders. When I shared my ideas with them, I was met with encouragement, praise, and offers to stay in touch. Co-creating with people who want to do the same things as me or are already doing them was an ingredient I had overlooked, and definitely now added to the recipe.

I also found that the more vocal I became about my intentions, the more energy of support I felt. People really listened to my ideas and gave me valuable feedback. Each new perspective was like shining a new light on an idea, so that little by little, the beginning embryonic stage of my dreams began to form recognizable shapes, colors, textures, movement, smells, and sounds. Clarity. It was all coming together.

In these moments, I began to understand why people use the phrase “to birth an idea”. My long period of preparation was necessary and natural, and now I was starting to feel the first thrilling kicks of life.

After the festival, I spent three nights in San Marcos la Laguna, another town on the lake. This was the most spiritual of them all and became sort of the after-party of the festival - in the drum circle, medicine songs type of way. Just minutes after disembarking the speed boat, I was walking up "Hippie Highway" - aka the main pedestrian path of the town - and was approached by a muscular, handsome Italian man, asking "Do you need a hostel?" It was love at first sight - with San Marcos, I mean. Immediately I was welcomed into a sweet hostel with a garden, outdoor kitchen, and a two story house equipped with plenty of comfy beds.

Exhausted after my nights of camping in the cold at the festival, I dropped anchor on one of the beds and connected to Wifi for the first time in days. Some long minutes of scrolling later, I heard the door open, and my Italian host Eduardo had caught another homeless fish from the stream. The fish's name was Dario, from Costa Rica, and somehow full of energy despite the fact that he had also attended the festival. He promptly asked me if I had eaten yet, which I hadn't, and informed me we could go together once he had a shower. Ah yes, those two basic needs I needed to accomplish. Saved by this cheerful angel, I lugged myself off the bed to feel hot water on my body for the first time since arriving in Guatemala and go off in search of sustenance with my new friend.

In our hostel with no name, Dario and I soon added Klas and Amanda, a couple from Sweden who had also been at Cosmic, to our happy family. It makes me laugh that I lived in Sweden for nine months but had to go all the way to Guatemala to actually make Swedish friends. Being around these kindhearted souls was like tying the bow on the festival experience. We cooked together, explored together, shared dreams together, and laughed together - lots and lots of laughing.

I bid them a temporary goodbye, because I still had one last thing I had to do: climb the Acatenango Volcano. Through a tour company in San Marcos, I was able to arrange transportation from the lake to Antigua, where I would link up with the group I'd do the hike with. My group turned out to just be myself and a Costa Rican couple, who were pleasant but not too talkative, and we were taken by a driver to our local guide's house. There, we met Jorge and his family, who provided us with a packed lunch, water, and walking sticks (I already had a headlamp, remember? Just had to point that out. Ok, back to the story). We were then whisked off to the base of the volcano to began the steep, uphill climb. Five hours of huffing, puffing, peeling layers on and off, a stop for lunch, and countless breaks later, we arrived to base camp on the side of the volcano. It was time for a nap. When night arrived, the temperature plummeted and the wind soared, but that is when the active volcano Fuego begins to erupt. About every half an hour to hour or so, if you are watching at the right moment, the volcano explodes and you can see lava trickle down in little vein-like rivers. Bucket list item completed: see lava in real life.

Throughout the night, it was exhilarating being awakened by the boom of wind from the eruption. The air would slam into the plastic walls of our camp and we could feel the ground shake. After the boom, the clashing sound of rocks sliding down its gravely body always followed. In a way, I was reminded of sleeping next to the ocean, except instead of waves, it was lava, rocks, and smoke causing the sounds. Definitely the most extreme camping experience I've ever had. That night, the winds were too strong to be able to safely attempt the optional nocturnal hike to Fuego. It was something I would have wanted to do; however, the freezing temperatures and the state of fatigue I was in also welcomed the opportunity to sleep instead.

In the morning, we awoke to a gorgeous sunrise. It is curious how Fuego's lava becomes shy during the day, emitting only clouds of black smoke. Once we finished breakfast, we all agreed we wanted to do the final optional hike to the top of Acatenango. Reaching the top of the 13,041 ft (3,976 m) summit was one of the most difficult physical experiences I have ever paid and willingly chosen to be put through (humans are so insane), but worth it. I mean, I can't say I climbed almost all the way to the top.

If 2023 started with me sleeping next to an active volcano and climbing to the top of an even higher dormant one, what will I be able to accomplish with the rest of the year? Achieving that will be my reminder that with a clear goal, proper preparation, endurance, and determination, I will be able to make more dreams come true. The only limit is my imagination.

Chapter 10: The Bird Prepares to Hatch Some Eggs

I had been pushing myself so hard to find answers, I had gotten stuck in my mind. When I dropped down into my heart and intuition, it was like everything shifted into place.

Once I paused to consider what I already knew how to do, I realized how many talents and how much experience I have. I had been allowing society’s conditioning messages that I needed to pursue a Master’s, or find a high paying position with ample benefits, or work extra hard to climb the corporate ladder as the only outlets to further my professional life. That was what was making me feel stuck. Perhaps in a previous generation, those were the options. A set in stone formula that rigidly demanded all people should evolve in the same way.

Well, all people are not the same.

When I allowed myself to imagine and dream big, that was where I finally found a path that lit up my insides.

Astrology.

Community building.

Working with teenage girls, their moms, and their grandmas in education and recreation.

Creating something.

Since what society presented to me did not resonate, I realized that I have to create my own path.

Duuuh, I’m an Aquarius Sun, Mars, and Venus. I can’t do anything like anyone else. I am here to innovate, rebel, and change the world - not follow anyone else’s rules.

So, now what?

Time to take action.

Day by day, I am going to take steps that will bring me closer to my goals.

January 18th, 2023 was the start of the Astrology Course that I signed up for back on Black Friday. By the end of this course, I will possess the astrological knowledge and business strategies to be able to become a professional astrologer.

That is my short term professional goal.

My long term professional goal came to me when I sat with rapé on the rooftop in Puerto Escondido. The initial seed that sprouted was a general idea: I wanted to create some kind of outside of school, wellness retreat-style program for girls. Since that initial bloom, the vines have been slowly and steadily creeping throughout my body, forming more and more connections until I now have a living, breathing goal rooted deep within me.

I want to create a program for teenage girls to come together, form sisterhood, learn about essential life topics not taught in school, combine generations, and have fun while doing it. There is such a need for more spaces for girls and women to connect, everywhere in the world, so we can share knowledge, support each other through our highs and our lows, and create community - for all, without sports, politics, religion, culture, etc being at the center.

Creating this program would use every single one of my talents and experiences to form something that I see that our world lacks. At the end of this post, I’ll share more about this, for anyone interested.

Excitement buzzes through my body just to talk about it.

And there you have it.

My life journey over the past 10 years.

What it’s taken for me to finally find clarity. For the first time ever, I feel like I know who I am and my purpose in life. (At this moment, at least)

And it’s only just beginning.

In astrology, there is an important transit called a Saturn return, which usually takes place between the ages of 27 and 30, caused by Saturn returning to the same position it was when you were born. During this time, you will be forced to face the areas of your life that you may have previously ignored, as Saturn represents topics like maturity, hard work, accountability, and adulthood. The opportunity is to get serious about what your legacy is and take responsibility, or resist and continue playing it small. If you choose the latter option, when your Saturn return comes around a second time 30 years later, you will have the same problems to face.

Well, I am fully immersed in my Saturn return and am choosing to embrace it. I have suffered from being constantly wrought with thoughts of “Am I doing what I’m really supposed to be doing?” and answering no, time and time again. However, growth is uncomfortable, so out of this discomfort I am now finally feeling like I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am ready to make the changes in my life to close the first chapter and welcome in a beautiful transformation into adulthood. I am thrilled with the possibilities that await me and am committed to working hard to achieve them. A message I received at the magical lake in Guatemala was that there is no time to play small. We must dream big, as the universe is counting on each and every one of us to do what we can to restore love and light into the world. I am taking that energy into 2023 and sharing my intentions so that I will be held accountable.

My hope is that by sharing my journey, others may resonate and gain comfort in knowing they are not alone in feeling lost, or ready for a big change. We must rise together to create the New World of our dreams. It is possible, but only through a collective shift. And that is happening.

So, that is what I’ve been doing :-)

♡ The End ♡ 

More About my Program Idea and Inspiration

Ever since my first job as a Camp Counselor at my temple’s summer camp, I've been searching for ways to make that position last throughout the year. Hence the reason I chose to study the Youth Work and Out of School Time concentration in my Child and Adolescent Development degree, as I knew I wanted to do something with kids, just not in school.

After years of working different jobs with children, I was feeling unbalanced, as I also had many other passions that tugged at my heart. I would love to study art, or nutrition, or plants, or yoga, or tour guiding, or therapy. The idea of picking just one stressed me out.

So… why not combine them all?

The solution: a program focused on girls and women to come together, form community, and empower the feminine uprising currently occurring on our planet. And make it fun, of course.

I want to take the best parts of the activities I grew up with that helped shape me, as well as what I have learned as an adult that I wish I knew as a kid.

One inspiration comes from the YMCA program I did growing up called Adventure Guides (previously Indian Guides, before PC culture emerged), similar to Girl/Boy Scouts. I was in a father daughter “tribe” that would meet once a month at a different member’s house to do arts and crafts, eat snacks, and always ended with a ritual that for each life event passed, we would receive a specific colored bead to add onto our necklace. Additionally, twice a year, all of the Adventure Guides tribes would gather for a weekend camping trip. Everyone would bring supplies not only for themselves, but also to contribute to communal meals, and of course prepare a skit to be presented around the fire on the last night of the weekend. All of this, in hindsight, was teaching me how to camp, survival skills, and intergenerational, communal living.

Another huge inspiration comes from my Jewish upbringing. I have so much gratitude for being raised in the Jewish community it’s hard to know where to begin. Despite what may come to mind when imagining an organized religion, Temple Beth Torah’s influence taught me to be open minded, humanitarian, spiritual, culturally aware, and outspoken. In the Torah, we are commanded to do “mitzvot”, or good deeds - not to get into Heaven or avoid Hell (Jews don’t have either of these beliefs); rather, just because it is the right thing to do. If you combine that with our long (and continued) history of persecution, this produces a person who really honors the value of helping others, no matter their background. Highlights from my Jewish education include social action projects, guided meditations during youth led services, organizing overnight raves in our temple for other Southern California Jewish high school youth groups to attend (yes, you read that right), and sweaty song sessions where we would belt our hearts out to “Wonderwall” accompanied by a throng of acoustic guitar wielding teenagers (looking back, some of the songs we sang were medicine songs that I continue to hear around healing ceremony fires). And, coincidentally, the Jewish high school youth group organization I was a part of, NFTY, also gave beads to add to your necklace for each event attended. Very tribal to use a decorative, visual system to determine someone’s status in life.

So, the dream is to form an intergenerational community and invite teachers of different disciplines to share their knowledge about subjects not commonly covered in the educational system. This is what I mean by the things that I wish I had learned when I was younger. My hope would be that early exposure to a wide variety of topics could lead to something sparking the interest of the participants, later turning into a roaring flame of passion and leadership.

PS - if you know someone doing something like this, have an idea, or want to somehow contribute, please message me! Co-creation is the best kind of creation ♡

Afterword

It has been a grounding and humbling experience converting my journey to words. This began as an exercise for myself to figure out what I’m doing. Thanks to my therapist pointing out that I am a visual learner, she suggested I draw or write out my life path, then add branches of ideas of where I could see it going. This is my interpretation of that suggestion, and wow am I proud of the hard work I put into it. I had been feeling like nobody really knows what I’ve been up to, seeing as I’m constantly moving around and interacting with new people that just know bits of my story. Then, I also realized, I don’t even fully know what I’ve been doing, as I haven’t given myself much time to stop, reflect, and think about how I want to move forward.

By pulling out the internal threads and weaving them into an external piece, I finally can put the finished work on the table and say “Look! This is me”. Now that I’ve made sense of my past and validated my experiences, I feel confident in charting the next course. I know where I’ve been and now I know where I want to go.

As a final anecdote, I was fortunate enough to experience the powerful Bufo medicine in a healing ceremony recently. When I returned to my body, I walked away from the group to give myself space, and immediately my eyes were drawn to a nest in a tree. Immediately, I thought about this story and felt grateful that the universe gave me such a clear sign. Synchronicity is so beautiful.

To conclude, I would love for anyone to reach out about anything this post might have stirred up inside you. Maybe you resonate with something, have questions, or share a common goal - whatever it may be, send me a message.

Thank you so much for reading and witnessing me on my journey. I love and appreciate you.

♡♡♡

[tigriswolfwrites]

article i want to write: analyzing children’s book illustrations and perspective

Plan: to analyze how illustrations affect the reader’s perspective, using Beauty&Beast

Status: *looks into camera and sighs*

Think of a well-known story; what are you seeing in your head?  This is a story you’ve known most of your life, one you can retell with no problem.  You may have even played pretend with the storyline once or twice, and it might have been your favorite movie for most of your childhood.  In fact, if I tell you that the story is Beauty and the Beast, you can probably see certain scenes in your mind.  If you’re an American, you’re probably picturing the Disney movie.  It’s a story with hundreds of variations across cultures, so the fact that hundreds of picture books for children exist is not a shock.  Each of them has a purpose and style all their own; as Bette Bosma points out, “the art of the picture book is valuable not only for enhancing the text, but also for exposing children to a variety of art styles,” (Bosma, 1987; pg 33).  The adult reading the story can start a discussion with the child being read to, asking all sorts of questions from how the illustrations make them feel to whether or not they think the illustrations even go with the story at all. Because of all the differing versions of the same story out there for the reading, I was curious to see if the illustrations on a page affect how the text is interpreted—how the story is read.  The illustrations in a children’s book are just as important as the text spread across the pages.  Depending on the age of the child being read to, the illustrations might be more important.  According to Alison Luri, “They [children] recognize images long before they can read, and even if not every page is illustrated, those that are guide their imagination.  What the artist chose to portray, and how, may deeply affect their view of the book—and perhaps of all books,” (Luri, 2003; pg 160).  We are a visual species, after all.   In Myth, Magic, and Mystery, it is pointed out that The children’s book illustrator has an enormous responsibility. No one can deny that what is read and seen in childhood has inestimable power on the formation of a mind.  Often one’s earliest introduction to art does not take place in a gallery or museum, but through a picture book; and first impressions may indeed be the most profound and lasting.  The artist has enormous power.  One sees pictures before one reads the text, leaving immediate impressions long before the authors have a chance to speak.  (Hearn, Clark, & Clark, 1996; pg 6) And then Zhihui Fang, in an article about the power of illustrations, said that “[i]llustrations are also extremely effective in determining the mood of the picture book,” (Fang, 1996). The ending and overall arc of plot of the story of Beauty and the Beast has not been changed in any of the versions I examined for this essay.  There is a merchant who gets lost on journey and comes across a castle hidden in the woods. He has three daughters waiting at home (and, sometimes, three sons as well).  He rests at the castle for a night and always insults the master of the house on the way out by attempting to steal a rose.   He begs for his life and mentions his children; the beast offers him a trade: his daughter Beauty (always named as such) for his life.   The merchant agrees, though he always plans on merely saying goodbye to his children and returning to face his fate. Of course, Beauty never allows that and so she lives at the castle, and slowly grows to like the beast.  She always returns to her family and then receives a vision that the beast is dying, and so returns to him to break the curse.  And then, to no one’s shock, the beauty lives happily ever after with her beast revealed to be a prince. No, the story doesn’t change except for minor details.  How the artists choose to illustrate it, though?  That differs a great deal.  As Zhihui Fang explains in that same article, Since a short story does not normally allow for more fully developed characters, illustrations help develop the characters by depicting situations and emotions immediately familiar and credible to the children … In picture storybooks, illustrations can supplement characterization in the text by showing the characters’ actions and reactions to one another or giving the characters an extra fleshing out. Each of the eight artists whose work I examined for this paper chose to illustrate different scenes in this story (or, were instructed to illustrate certain scenes. However, since I have no way of determining that, I proceed with the assumption that they were able to choose for themselves).  There are a few common scenes, and one such scene is what I will be analyzing in detail to ascertain how the illustrations reflect—or direct—the reading.  Do illustrations truly impact the reading? I shall endeavor to find out.

[endexe]

Okay, so this is an important, messy note to keep in mind when it comes to interacting with Zero is regardless of how close your muse are with Zero, there is still a high chance that he will end up hurting them one way or another.

Not only Zero have difficulty understanding how his actions and words may impact others exactly because he IS an eldritch monster designed to create chaos and pain to “ help “ others see the warning signs in what appears friendly, one of the things he represent is how being innocent and unaware will usually bring dangerous situations that could’ve been easily avoided if it weren’t for the lack of experiences and knowledge, but also, he is TOO curious to the point he will do harmful things to fulfil his curiosity, wanting to know what hurts them and how much they are provoked by it.

It can be something small like stomping on your muse’s feet out of no where, to stealing and keeping their most valuable item, to even worst such as betraying them. Also, having to be ordered by the World to these things with threats given can also be a reason why he commits them, but he doesn’t understand why would his actions / words hurt someone and how they do because no matter how much he interacts with humanity, more than any other Arcanists, he is still not a human being.

He will still even consider your muse his friend despite what he had done to them and he’d be genuinely confused and hurt if they react to his presence negatively and / or choose to harm him in return, not connecting your muse’s intentions / reactions with what he had done that would prompt them to have them. It’s something Zero needs A LOT of time and space to fully grasp the concept of sympathy and whatnot.

[obeymeluv]

“I Got All A’s! Can I Have Some Dick?” (Bros + Undateables)

Just something stupid and funny I thought about. You had a very tough semester in the Devildom and you got good grades! You want to celebrate and go to your favorite demon to ask for a special reward.

Obvious NSFW warning. No minors allowed!

No Luke. Luke is baby.

I have a personal headcanon that Simeon likes to be totally cozy when he writes. We’re talking big fluffy sweaters or a blanket cozy. I like to think he wears glasses when he writes, too.

Lucifer

He’s part of a special committee who’s notified about your grades/progress so he actually knows before you do

Proud boyfriend is proud

Purrs when he opens up the wax-pressed envelope and reviews your marks

Secretly plans a cute, fancy dinner date at Ristorante Six

Is thinking of being suave and breaking the news to you when you bounce into his study (he may or may not have poured a couple of glasses of your favorite age-appropriate beverage)

He’s got something witty prepped and is ready to toast you and maybe steal a few kisses but you come out of left field like a bullet with a simple “I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?”

Lucifer.exe is broken

That’s what you want as a reward? No dinner, no date?

Literally doesn’t know what to say for a few seconds. Totally freezes. Starts to stutter.

His brain kicks back in when you start playing with the folds of his collar and petting his chest and staring at him with those wanting eyes

Sets his glass down, fixes the cuff of his gloves, and hoists you up to plant you on the nearest surface. “I will make it worth every point, and you will say all the letters.” he purrs.

Mammon

He’s just happy he passed.

Mammon actually does pretty well, he’s just a very...chaotically successful type. A lot of last minute turn-ins and such. Not top marks, but no dunce either.

Now that the semester’s over he’s checking his schedule to see when the next shoot is or if he has time to squeeze in a party. Maybe a trip somewhere. Something fun!

He’s feeling lucky! Lucky enough to win some money and make Goldie happy!

If he’s going anywhere, he needs a good luck charm though! He goes to hunt you down and his stomach just warms because you’re smiling and clearly in a good mood

It makes him purr in that cute, curious little way. Basically using the demon’s language to ask you why you’re in such a good mood (but you don’t know that. It’s basically a cute chirp).

You both shout your good news at the same time.

His invite to go tear it up was a bit long so it takes a minute for his brain to process what you said. You want...his dick?

Boy wants to blush SO BAD. HE’S SO RED!

Well now his thing seems stupid, doesn’t it? He wants to do your thing! Your thing sounds GREAT!

“OF COURSE you want to be with the GREAT Mammon!” he’s got his hands on his hips and his chest is puffed out big in that happy, silly way he has about him.

No, really, you do your thing. It’s a great thing.

It’s a good way to unwind from exams, right? He likes it!

Levi

If Levi didn’t get good grades, Lucifer would kill him.

Probably force him to go to school physically ALL THE TIME!

HIS SUBSCRIPTIONS WOULD BE AT RISK,OKAY?

He’s a solid B student (at least). No desire to be all A’s. Too much time away from other passions.

Because he’s well-behaved and leas likely to get on Lucifer’s nerves, he gets a little bit of bonus money for good grades.

Levi’s neck-deep in his charts and comparisons and muttering to himself about where to invest that money when you pop into his room

“I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?!”

You get The Noise

How indecent! How naughty of you to ask! But yes, yes you can. Absolutely. 100%!

He’s really shy about it because it’s sudden and you asked him instead of him having a cool moment or anything, but it ends up being a giggle-filled romp that ends with a cuddle in his bathtub bed and you wrapped up in his tail

He totally suggests a round two with a sexy VR game or just making bets with ‘winner take all’

Satan

He’s a grade juggernaut with lots of self-discipline so Satan expects to get out what he gets in

The type to be smug because he knows he did well. He owes it to himself and he’s glad.

Likes to treat himself to an outing, be it a simple walk or a visit to a cafe or even a new book

Satan’s 100% ready to settle down with some books by the fireplace. At the end of the semester he typically makes a one or two-portion charcuterie board and picks at it while he reads

Thumb keeping his place, Satan’s in the middle of stacking a fancy little cracker with meat and cheese when you let yourself in

His eyes flick to you and he smiles, eating his little cracker

You pick at his tray with him (he’ll let you, of course). “I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?”

Chokes on cracker. It’s not a good time

Almost drowns himself/further chokes trying to wash it down with drink

Can’t help but laugh at your...bold request

When he sees he’s kind of sputtered all over himself, he slips out of his clothes and makes a few witty jokes as your ‘naked butler’

Naked butler happily provides his services

Later he makes you picked crushed cracker off the floor with him

Asmo

The second Asmo knew he passed everything (like he always does. Just because he’s pretty doesn’t mean he’s stupid!), he booked himself a full day pampering experience

His inner circle of beauty specialist know his routine so they save his spots for him

Asmo sweet-talked them into including his favorite human and he’s DYING to tell you and DYING to make his brothers jealous

You skip into his room, so bright and lovely, and hold his hands in the cute excited way he likes. Makes his heart skip a beat every time like it’s young love.

“I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?”

Doesn’t expect it and has probably never been asked ‘Can I have some dick?’ in the thousands of years he’s been alive

Boy gives an airy laugh because he’s surprised and flattered. Of COURSE you want him (because who wouldn’t?) but he always gets a bit shy when it’s YOU asking

“Sounds amazing,” he’s already peppering you with kisses, “and I’m happy to provide but can we do it after our special spa day?”

You guys have a sweet, lazy round the day of the booking to ‘loosen up’ and ‘fully appreciate the services’ and he DEFINITELY worships you when all is said and done because ‘the epitome of beauty deserve the epitome of devotion’

Beel

Boy works hard and celebrates even harder. Usually with food

Because he’s always hungry and looking forward to eating, Beel likes to do his work ahead of time. The sooner he does it, the more time he has to eat!

He has to keep up good grades to stay on the sports teams, anyways

Solid B student, sometimes A’s. C’s and below aren’t a thing. He refuses.

Because he is also best boy and generally acts as Lucifer’s pseudo-enforcer, he also gets some bonus money.

The coach of his local sports team also pitches in because Beel is best boy and a TANK. He could literally carry the whole team

Beel’s all set to hit the town with his food money when find him and wrap your arms around him

He’s all excited and ready to tell you about the food money when you make his face catch fire. “I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?”

Brain also stops. BEEL IS SO EMBARRASSED!

You’d rather have him than food? That’s pretty impressive! He’s honored!

But...what if you could have both? He’s totally down for both!

You celebrate your success by staying in (bed) and spoiling yourselves with food in-between rounds

Belphie

Belphie is a ‘C’s get degrees’ kind of guy but C’s are his minimum. Tries for B’s and usually gets mid-to-low B’s.

With exams over he’s 100% down to sleep the day away and there’s NO REASON for ANYONE TO BUG HIM ABOUT IT!

Totally prepared to live in his finest pyjamas until school starts again. Might even treat himself to a new pillow or blanket!

If he hadn’t learned your scent by now, you wouldn’t have a face when you breach his blanket cocoon

Belphie just snorts and smiles at your little face and messy hair (the blankets give it static and mess it up)

You kiss his nose and wait to make sure he’s really awake before sharing the good news. “I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?”

Laughs himself to the point of almost choking on one of his blankets

Throws himself out of the cocoon to breathe and wipe his tears away

But yes, yes you can. After he calms down, he pulls you onto his lap to straddle him. 

It’s fun and lazy but a genuine celebration of the end of the semester

Diavolo

He’s the other part of the committee that saw your grades, so he knows

It’s a bit off his plate so he won’t have as many duties to attend to

Diavolo wasn’t sure when you’d come over, but Barbatos assured him you’d be over that day. He did his best to speed through his meetings and arrange his schedule to have a rest period

He asked Barbatos to prepare a small, modest lunch of finger foods and some complimentary tea

You may have thought Diavolo was making himself a plate when you walked in, but it was actually a plate for you

The prince of the Devildom almost dropped that plate when you said, “I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?”

Prince of Hell is super blushy and flustered and awkward and almost knocks his teacup off the table. Is suddenly scrambling to make sure he doesn’t know anything else off the table

Tries to compose himself but can’t help the boyish smile and laugh that escapes him

You’re just such a lovely, fascinating person! He’s so happy to have you. His life seems eternal but you make it so fresh and new! His heart just bursts with love and delight.

Is no longer worried about the food or pushing in your chair for you. Offers his lap instead. “I have an opening for that,” he assures, pulling you onto his lap.

Diavolo likes to think he’s thoughtful about taking you on the floor because Barbatos doesn’t have much to clean up.

If your stomach grumbles after you’re settled and sleepy, he pulls himself off your body long enough to grab a plate from the table and put it beside your head. 

Demons have more stamina and it would be un-princely of him not to spoil you, so he feeds you until you’re too sleepy to eat.

Barbatos

It’s exhausting to be able to see multiple timelines and see into the future.

He never knows how far into the future he’s seeing, or if it’s in the timeline he’s currently in

All he knows is he heard you ask him for dick and almost dumped the wrong thing in the soup, okay? 

Had to excuse himself and ask someone on the cooking team to take over for him while he “dealt with another matter” (laughed it out where no one could hear him)

I’m not sure if Barbatos is considered a student at RAD, but Diavolo must be too. We’ll say he is. Boy is a master of self-discipline and scheduling so he’s fine. Flawless, as a butler should be. It carries over into all things.

It’s a delicate balance sometimes, but he’s type A and used to being busy so it works itself out. He does well.

Barbatos simply looks forward to having less to do. Focusing on Diavolo can be a job all its own.

He was planning on making a few sweets for Luke and the others. Diavolo suggested a “pot luck” to celebrate. It’s something the humans came up with and he seems to like it. It turns into sweets for the pot luck

Probably makes you a special mini-dessert or a special portion of the dessert

If he’s in control of plate presentation, you might get a special sauce heart of chocolate heart

When Diavolo is generous enough to include him in the celebration (because he deserves it and you’re there, so it’d be cruel not to), Barbatos makes small talk and woos you subtly

You ask him to “show you where to take the dishes” to get him alone. He can feel it in his little demon bones. You’re about to do it.

You do it.

You’re basically vibrating with excitement because you probably planned this and think you’re very clever. Human enthusiasm is so darling and it makes his heart pitter-patter to think you were simply bursting to ask HIM this.

“But of course,” he helps you stack the plates and guides your hand to the silverware sorter because you’re looking at him instead of what you’re doing. You almost put a fork in the spoon section. “Covered in chocolate? Plain?”

He’s trying to one-up you. He loves seeing his human change colors and not know what to do.

You whisper “I prefer wet,” back in his ear and Barbatos wonders how he didn’t see THAT in any of his visions

You: 1, Barbatos: 0. Helpless. Defenseless. Horny.

“That will be ready shortly,” he’s already pulling you away, down the hall, to meet your request.

Solomon

It wouldn’t serve him to do poorly in the Devildom. Basically wasted opportunity

He’s not a straight A student but he does well. Really pulls out the stops on major projects and things that are worth more points than others

Isn’t perfect at everything but makes up for it. Solid B’s, always really close to A’s. At least a couple low A’s.

Solomon doesn’t quite know how he wants to celebrate. He knows Asmo’s already pestering him to go shopping or clubbing

He’s considering it. He’d like to drink, honestly

You show up, light of his life, his favorite person, and he feels himself warm with joy

He revels in being the only other human in the Devildom. It makes your relationship that much more special, he thinks. It’s kind of stupid, but it’s something to coyly hold over the others whenever he sees fit. All in play, of course (not).

“I got all A’s! Can I have some dick?”

Pretends to think and looks anywhere but your face. If he looks at your face he’ll blush himself stupid and won’t be able to say anything smart.

He can’t lie. He’s already hard. He appreciates humor and wit and you’re all of it.

Very bold of you to come onto him like that, and he’s 100% for it.

“Can you take it?” Solomon wishes he said something smoother, that he wasn’t already slipping between your legs and grinding against you like the weak man he was. He doesn’t regret it though because the friction is good. Something you both need.

He whispers against your skin and gives you light, sloppy kisses with a hint of teeth.

He gives, and he’s generous. He wants to reward your efforts.

Simeon

Simeon makes it a point of personal pride to do well in the Devildom

That’s the utmost symbol of peace and understanding, isn’t it? To embrace their culture and livelihood and do well? To do well means he’s understanding them and walking in their shoes. It’s only right

He works hard and does well. Doesn’t stress himself out with A’s since he’s keeping up his grades because it’s required. He’d rather reconnect with the brothers and try to help Luke enjoy the Devildom.

He’s happy to spend his free time taking Luke to places in the Devildom, trying to visit the House of Lamentation, and maybe working on some things for TSL since editors are clamoring for more

You stop by because he’s been fairly quiet, wrapped up in his favorite writing sweater with his little editing glasses on

Simeon smiles and greets you with his little ‘Hi, angel’ as he kisses your hand. 

Boy almost breaks his favorite pen when you ask him for...for dick?

He’s not absolutely clueless but this boy has been in ‘holy angel’ mode for centuries. He struggles with texting and stickers and you expect him to know slang?!

So confused he takes his glasses off. Boy can’t comprehend

“You’re asking me to procure one? Like...the ones humans use from those stores? You want mine? Well, I certainly hope so because we’re--oh...”

He could write books of poetry about you, and though he doesn’t like to admit it, he’s had those thoughts

“Well,” he’s standing up from his chair and guides you so gently to his bed it’s like you’re floating on a cloud. He lays you down just as gently, fabrics whispering as he slips out of his sweater and it pools at his feet. “I wouldn’t be a very good angel if I ignored the wishes of my dear human, would I?”

Doesn’t really see the point of sex as a reward, but will never turn down a moment to show how cherished you are. 

Hope you liked it :)

[streetlight11]

Till I Met You Again

Summary: Everyone is born with a life already planned out for them. Including their soulmates. Except, every person walking this earth has been given a specific soulmate marking that was similar to a tattoo to match their soulmate’s. The ink is invisible when one is born. To activate the soulmate marking, one has to be at least in a 20 feet radius to their designated soulmate. But of course, they wouldn’t know it until they start to notice the ink slowly appearing on their skin.

Theme: soulmate au, university au, enemies to lovers

Genre: angst, fluff

Warning: mild cursing

WC: 10k

Pairing: Soulmate!Yoongi x Fem!Reader

a/n: Hello! I kinda got too carried away in writing this one the other day, hence the word count for this is... woah. Hehe. But anyways, here's a soulmate au for you Min Yoongi lovers <3

Every person who was born into this earth has their life journey already written out for them in which it unfortunately remains a secret from them. And these living souls have been entitled to a soulmate that would potentially cross their path in the near future. Everyone is made for someone and the tattoo on their skin otherwise known as a ‘soulmate marking’ determines it for them.

The soulmate marking is nothing far from a tattoo as it imprints on your skin for eternity.

However, these markings will already be on you the minute you were born. Except, the ink will be invisible to the human eye.

But it’s definitely there. The only way to activate the marking is when one happens to be of 20 foot radius with their designated soulmate. This will cause the ink to start slowly appearing on one’s skin. Even so, these markings will start only when one has reached the age of 14. Only then will the ink start to be visible to one’s eye.

Unfortunately, until now when you’re already past 20 years of age, not a single tinge of ink was displayed on your skin. You’ve checked everywhere on your body. From your fingertips to your toes.

Nothing.

You weren’t really one who purely believed in this whole soulmate thing simply because you felt that there’s no such thing as a fixed soulmate. You should be free to choose who you want as your partner purely through interactions and chemistry you shared with the other, not by some marking on your skin. Your parents had a matching mark on their right wrists which was a simple rose in a glass jar.

No doubt you admired their love story and how they met, but you couldn’t see it for yourself. You really don’t want to fully depend on this supposed marking. Even when you went off to college, you’ve made it a point to try and go on dates no matter what their soulmate markings would be.

But it all turned out with the same ending. Either the guy dumps you for not having the same mark or they ghost you after the first date, saying you’re too good for them. All these never led to a heartbreak on your end because you were never in love to begin with.

You were simply trying your luck, trying to see if you’d find a single soul who was just as sceptical as you on this whole soulmate thing.

And so far, you’ve met none.

It was the start of university life for you as you’ve managed to enrol yourself for a Computer Science major in Hangang University. You took the same course during college, having interest in web design and computer technologies. You could only hope that the study load this time would give you a mental break every once in a while despite knowing the content is definitely heavier than college content.

But you still told yourself to persevere and never leave your knowledge hanging while you’re still young. With this mentality, you brought yourself to campus today for day one of university classes.

Taking a deep breath, you pushed the door to the specific lecture room for the first lesson.

Immediately, you were greeted by a room that had the majority of the students’ gender being males. But it wasn’t a surprise to you because CS majors tend to lean more towards males instead of females. This doesn’t bother you since you were here solely to study and perhaps make friends along the way.

You found an empty seat in the top last few rows. With careful steps, you climbed the stairs to make your way to the spot you had your eyes locked on. After you’ve settled down, you noted how the room was fairly quiet.

Probably because it was the first day of classes and nobody really knows each other yet. That was all pushed to the back of your mind when you heard chatting coming from the front door and you saw 2 friends walk in. It was pretty obvious they knew each other considering how they were laughing and talking freely to one another.

As you kept your curious gaze on them discreetly, you could only realise how good looking they were.

The taller one sported beautiful dark brown locks that were long enough to cover his eyes, his smile so charming you were sure anyone who crossed his path would fall for his smile in less than a second. And then there was the other one who sported a more edgy look with his shorter dark purple, undercut hair that was parted near the centre to show his forehead, a right eyebrow piercing to compliment his face.

You quickly diverted your gaze to your laptop screen, not wanting them to think you’re a creep. You were busy searching for the e-books for this lesson in your online school portal when you heard a gentle voice calling to you from your right.

“Hey, are these seats taken?”

You looked up to see the one with the eyebrow piercing staring at you with the softest smile on his face.

In response to his question, you simply mimicked his facial expression and shook your head at him. He thanked you quietly before the 2 of them settled down beside you down the row. They resumed their conversation for the next 3 minutes before the lecturer walked in to start the class.

Two hours later, you don’t even know how you managed to absorb the things your lecturer said but you did. You were typing out the notes he shared on the projector screen when you heard his voice through the speakers.

“I will let you go for your lunch break. Be back by 1pm, here. You can leave your bags behind since I will be locking the room once everyone leaves.”

With that, your classmates replied with a series of yes before they got up one by one ready to head for lunch. You were just typing out the last of your notes when the boy beside you spoke up. At first you thought he was talking to his friend. You completely missed the way he was turned to you.

Until he gently taps onto your forearm to tell you that his question was directed to you. With a turn of your head, you locked eyes with him for the second time that day. “H-Huh?” You stuttered, earning a stifled chuckle from him.

“I was saying, do you wanna join me and my friends for lunch? We’re already sharing classes, might as well get to know each other to prepare for future projects or assignments.” He kindly repeated himself for you, making you whisper a soft ‘oh’ under your breath.

It wasn’t like you to approach someone first when it comes to striking a conversation with a complete stranger. So when he did it for you, it surprised you that he even thought of letting you tag along with them to lunch. For this alone, you decided to accept his offer knowing he does have a point for that last statement.

With that being said, the three of you left the lecture room after bringing your wallets with you. You quietly followed beside the brown haired one as they immediately opened a topic for their conversation.

You were just checking your phone for the texts sent from your mom in your family group chat when a voice spoke up, addressing you directly.

“What’s your name?” You glance up to catch the one who asked the question was the brown haired one, as the purple haired one was already looking at you but it wasn’t intimidating in any way. So you found it easy to reply to them.

“Y/N.” You said as they all nodded only for the boy beside you to speak up. “Nice to meet you Y/N. I’m Taehyung. This is Jungkook.”

And so you know.

After almost 10 minutes of walking, you finally arrived at the cafeteria located on the other side of campus from where you originally were. The cafeteria was filled with hungry students and occupied tables. This wasn’t something new but at times like these, you’d rather bring your own food and sit somewhere that’s less crowded and bustling.

Just when you were about to excuse yourself and get a take out instead, Taehyung’s voice sounded from beside you, “Hyung said he found a table for us. They’re at the side near the drink stall.” He addressed it to the Jungkook in particular.

Hyung? Found a table? Did their other friends go to this same campus too?

You thought to yourself as Taehyung soon led the three of you around the cafeteria with you following behind them like a lost puppy.

You were busy looking at the available food stalls around when you were stopped by the voices that called out to the 2 boys’ names. Curious eyes wandered over their figures to see just who their other friends were and you were met with a table filled with relatively handsome guys.

There were 3 guys seated at that table, happily welcoming Taehyung and Jungkook. Just when you thought they had forgotten you, Jungkook turns around to show you to his friends.

“If you guys don’t mind, we made a new friend this morning and we invited her to join us for lunch. Her name is Y/N.” Jungkook announced as the three boys smiled at you warmly.

“Hey Y/N. I’m Namjoon, this is Seokjin and Hoseok. It’s nice to meet you.” Namjoon said as he stretched his hand out for you to shake in which you obliged. You definitely didn’t miss the intricate design of a floral arrow lining his inner forearm. That must’ve been his soulmate marking. You soon found yourself seated next to Hoseok and Jungkook after buying your meal.

You were chewing your noodles when Taehyung spoke up to catch everyone at that table’s attention, “Where are they? Shouldn’t their class be over already?”

“Apparently they just ended 5 minutes ago. Minie told me they’re on their way now.” Seokjin replied.

Who were the ‘they’ Taehyung was referring to?

Were there more of their friends?

Oh great.

You refocused on your food, taking a bite out of the chicken meat as you listened to their ‘first day of university’ story. You found out that Namjoon was a Psychology major, Hoseok was a Dance major and Seokjin was a Culinary major.

You were currently staring at the pile of vegetables that Taehyung so kindly transfers into your bowl, after he asked around on who wants the boiled carrots and broccoli to which you said yes.

Taehyung was passing you every last bit of vegetable to your bowl when a sweet voice spoke up from the end of the table nearest to Namjoon and Seokjin.

“Finally! I thought you’d never make it for lunch.” Namjoon laughed as you heard a much raspier voice speak up from the same spot.

“I wouldn’t miss lunch for the world.” You heard the others laugh when Taehyung finally finished clearing his plate off the vegetables before turning to the newcomers to say his hellos.

“Oh, by the way, we have a new addition to our circle. She’s in Taehyung and Jungkook’s class so they tagged her along for lunch.” Seokjin announced as he reached his arm behind Taehyung to place a soft hand on the top of your right shoulder. You finally looked up from your bowl to see who the newcomers were.

The first guy you locked eyes with had cute puffy cheeks, sporting a pretty dark blue hair colour as his bangs framed his face nicely.

“Oh hello. I’m Jimin.”

You smiled shyly at him before your eyes naturally travelled to the other individual standing right beside Jimin and that’s when you frowned.

Unsurprisingly, the male did too.

His hair was an ash grey colour that parted at the side to show his forehead instead of letting it cover his eyebrows like Hoseok’s did. He had a few piercings on each ear. If his physique was unrecognizable to you, at least his face was. You knew exactly who he was without having to ask him for confirmation.

“Yoongi?” His name rolled off your tongue effortlessly in a whisper, stirring reactions from the rest of them.

“Wait, you know each other?” Jimin asked in confusion as his eyes travelled back and forth between you and Yoongi. That’s when you heard the other scoff before locking his eyes with you.

“Never thought I’d see you again after all these years.” His expression was dry and almost unwelcoming unlike the smiles his other friends gave you upon your first meeting. “Never wished for this day to come either but here we are…” You said sarcastically.

The tension was so thick, you were sure you would have to cut it with a knife instead of a scissors.

You broke the gaze by standing up, claiming you’ve lost your appetite.

“I’ll see you guys in class.” You said, directing your words to your classmates before you snatched your phone and wallet off the table top along with your tray of food to return. With a quick glance to Yoongi, you ignored his burning glare as you shoved past him by the shoulders causing him to stumble back a little.

The table fell quiet as Seokjin was the first to break the awkward silence, “Well, that was unexpected.” Yoongi scoffed as he left the table to go buy his food, not bothering to wait for Jimin as his mind was clouded with the thought of you being in his circle of friends.

The history of you two goes way back when you were in both pre and high school. Your first ever dispute with him was in preschool, all because you were both fighting over the crayon box. And then gradually, more fights would happen over silly little things. It came to a point where your teacher would have to separate you from each other.

Your disputes continued after you found out that he just so happened to join the same high school as you, let alone the same class. It only made things worse. You two would bicker and fight almost everyday like a married couple.

Your friends teased you often with him for the amount of fights you got into with him. They’ve even grown accustomed to the harsh comments you had thrown to each other on a daily basis.

Not a day goes by without either him stepping on your tail or you having a payback for all the pranks he did on you to get you worked up. And yet, just when you thought you were free from seeing the devil himself again, life has its way with you and it bothers you to the core at this very instant.

Your lecturer arrived back at the lecture room 15 minutes before 1pm and it seemed like everyone else was still having lunch. All except you. “You’re here early? Have you had your lunch?” He asked as he proceeded to unlock the room while you lingered behind him, standing up after you saw him approaching from afar.

“Yeah, I did.” You smiled, stepping back into the room after he pushed the door open. You climbed the stairs again to where your belongings were, taking out your air pods to bury yourself in music.

Shutting out the world around as you rested your head in your arms on the table. You didn’t notice the people strolling into the lecture room, too busy drowning yourself in your own little bubble. All of it soon came crumbling when you felt a soft tap on your shoulder.

That’s when you look up to see the 2 of them back in their seats.

You glanced ahead to see that the lecturer had already flashed the new slides onto the projector screen which indicates the start of class again. So you took out your air pods and kept them in its case before tossing it into your bag.

Class resumed and your messy thoughts were shoved to the back of your mind, far away from your main focus right now which was your class.

After a dreadful 4 hours of lessons, your lecturer finally calls it a day. He reminded all of you to be punctual for class tomorrow, saying that he has some group discussions for the topic he would be teaching. Once everyone was dismissed, you kept your stuff back into your bag quietly.

You could tell the two boys were waiting for you since they hadn't moved a muscle from beside you despite already standing up and were just leaning against the table while they chatted. The minute you stood up, they pushed themselves off the table and only then did they start walking down the steps.

The three of you made it to ground level thanks to the operating lift, making your way to the parking lot that was right beside the campus entrance.

You were just talking to Jungkook about your hobbies when you noticed a group of 5 guys gathered at the steps of the campus grounds through your peripheral vision. You could only guess it was their friends due to the voice that calls out to those walking with you. They led you towards the bunch as you glanced over to everyone but him.

“Hey Y/N, how did you come here this morning?” Namjoon asked, his voice nothing but sincere.

“Public transport.” You said simply with a smile directed towards him, only for Seokjin to speak up, “Do you need a ride home? I can drive you?”

With that being said, you kindly shook your head with a smile, not wanting to offend him in any way for turning his offer down. “It’s fine, I can manage on my own. Thanks for the offer though. Maybe next time.” You said as you bid the rest of them goodbye, not bothering to look at the very person you’ve held your grudge on for years.

They watched as you turned in your heels and left, deadpanning your way to the front gates. Jimin sighed lightly before turning to Yoongi and asked for answers on why you and him weren’t on good terms.

But the latter only brushed Jimin off, saying he would explain some other time.

The rest of them soon dispersed to their own vehicles to head home after a long and tiring first day of university.

As more days began to pass, you were sometimes dragged by either one of your 2 classmates to hang out with their friends and girlfriends. If you weren’t mistaken, half of them already found their soulmates and were currently in a relationship with them. While the remaining half were still finding for theirs because it was either their soulmate markings had appeared on their skin but very faintly, or there was none at all.

But the amount of times you’ve recalled hanging out with them during the past three months were countable with your fingers. You avoided having lunch with them often ever since you found out Yoongi was in their circle. You didn’t want to seem petty but it seems like he too hated having you around.

Which means that the feelings were mutual on both ends.

It was a pretty warm day so right after you arrived back at your apartment, you headed straight for the showers. Slipping into the shower stream the minute your clothes were discarded.

The cold stream coating your shoulder down with it’s nice, cooling temperature to ease out the warmth in your body.

After you finished your shower, you took your towel from the rack and proceeded to wipe yourself dry. Stepping out of the cubicle, you walked over to the sink counter where your large mirror was glued onto the wall. As you were ruffling your hair with the towel to rid the excess water, you noticed something on your left rib through the reflection.

Is that…?

You glanced down at your skin to see a very faint outline of something on your skin. You blinked twice, not believing this.

When did it start showing?

Your mind was going feral at the thought of seeing your soulmate marking finally make its appearance onto your skin. Who was the cause of this? Why did it only appear now after all these years? If that’s the case then it means that your soulmate is someone from school.

“What am I thinking? This is all a load of crap. I can date whoever I want no matter what marking they have.” You said to no one in particular as you changed into your home attire.

A few days later, you were just in class alone in the morning. Taehyung and Jungkook had yet to arrive when a sudden voice from beside you made you jump. A soft curse emitted from your throat as you clutched to your chest from the minor heart attack. You turned to find one of your classmates whom you recalled his name to be Hanbin, towering over you to your left.

“Hey, I’m Hanbin.” He smiled at you, feeling your stomach get warm upon seeing him up close for the first time.

“Hey… I’m Y/N.”

“I don’t mean to be creepy or weird, but I’ve kind of noticed you going for lunch alone these days instead of with your friends?” He asked as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. You somehow knew where this was going.

“Right… Well, that is true I suppose.” You chuckled awkwardly, looking away from him briefly before turning your attention back to him.

“I see. Well, if you’re looking for company, you can go for lunch with me?” He said it more like a statement instead of a question and that in itself made you smile. You had just accepted his kind offer when you heard familiar voices approaching to where you were seated.

Hanbin’s eyes glanced past your shoulder only to flicker back to you, setting a reminder before he left.

“Lunch with me later, yeah?”

You gave him a soft nod as a smile crept onto your lips. At the same time, you felt the soft nudge to your right elbow. You already knew who’s the culprit. “Wasn’t that Hanbin? What did he say to you?” Taehyung asked as he took a seat beside you.

“He asked me to go for lunch with him.”

“So you agreed?”

“Mhm.”

“You wanna go for lunch with him but not us?” Taehyung asked with a pout, only for Jungkook to lean over and ask what was going on. You could only roll your eyes at them, not actually annoyed or anything. Just a reflex whenever someone tried to get your sympathy over something stupid.

“Give me a break. I’m not sharing a table with ‘you know who’. Wouldn’t wanna accidentally break the table with our arguments.” You flashed him a sarcastic smile that made him click his tongue at you in disbelief.

It has been two months since you first went to lunch with Hanbin and you have been doing that ever since. You noticed that his demeanour was starting to change too around you, maybe there was a mutual feeling settling in between the two of you after all.

It was a Saturday afternoon and you already made plans with Hanbin a week prior. He wanted to bring you out on a date to the amusement park and then maybe grab some supper before heading home. He picked you up at your apartment that evening in his jeep, looking quite handsome if you say so yourself.

The two of you spent the evening together, adrenaline rushing through you thanks to the rides you took. After enjoying yourselves at the amusement park, you were both tired from having fun so he offered to stop by and grab supper with you before sending you home.

You ended up getting fast food at the diner downtown. You were happy. You were grateful that he was nothing but sweet to you. But for some reason, deep down there was that voice in you that was screaming, “He’s not the one” and you hated it. You didn’t want to rely on the marking to determine your happiness.

What if you belonged to someone who has a different marking than you?

That’s possible right?

So when he finally parked right outside your apartment complex, he turned off the engine leaving his key in the ignition. The car fell silent for a moment before you decided to be brave and spoke up.

“Do you… wanna come up for a bit? We can talk for a while longer?”

With that, Hanbin frowned as he wondered if he should. He didn’t want to ruin a first date and he most definitely did not want you to have a bad impression on him.

“Are… Are you sure?” He asked quietly, to which you nodded.

When you didn’t get a proper response, you simply let out a soft giggle followed by, “come on” before you opened his jeep door to board off the vehicle. You left him no choice but to follow after you. Once you’ve made it to your apartment, you unlocked your front door and stepped inside allowing him to enter.

It took him a while as his eyes travelled all over your cosy apartment, admiring the minimalist interior. You told him to take a seat while you went to get him a drink.

A few minutes passed and you were both just talking freely on your couch when you noticed how his eyes always flickered down to your lips constantly as you spoke. This made you stifle a giggle and he caught on. He apologized for it but you brushed it off.

Just then, the room felt quiet all of a sudden as it was your turn to glance down to his lips.

Hanbin softly smiled as he began to lean closer.

Your heart was pounding in your chest as you could feel his warmth radiating off his body from how close he was to you.

Right when you felt your head get dizzy from the close proximity, you unconsciously whispered against his lips something that you would never normally do.

“Kiss me.”

With that being said, he pressed his plump lips on yours.

Immediately intoxicating you with how sweet he tasted. The kiss slowly got heated as he carefully guided your body back to lay on the couch while he hovered over you. His hands slid past the hem of your shirt, resting on your waist as he caressed your skin.

You slide your hands up his chest, wrapping them around his neck. He slowly pushed your shirt up using his wrists. Right when he’d just pulled away for a breather, his eyes travelled down to your bare torso beneath him.

His gaze seemed stuck on whatever he was looking at. When you realized he stopped and was staring at something on your body, you knew exactly what he saw.

“Is that…?” His voice was soft, almost sounding as though he was upset.

“Yeap…”

With this confession, he slowly pulled away from you, tugging your shirt back down and bringing you to a sitting position.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…” He began but you were quick to hush him.

“It’s okay… Besides, I should be the one saying sorry. I already saw your marking the other day when you wore a tank top to class. I just thought you’d be okay with dating someone who doesn’t share the same mark as you. I guess I was being selfish…” You said.

Hanbin remained quiet as he listened to your reasoning. Suddenly feeling bad for stopping whatever you two were sharing, so abruptly like that. With that, he reached out to hold your hand, telling him that he was still sorry for reacting that way and for hurting your feelings by doing so.

But he told you he didn’t regret taking you out on a date today, that he genuinely had a good time with you and that he would love to still be friends with you if you allowed him.

You smiled at him before turning your attention to the flower pot sitting on your coffee table only for him to continue, “I just hope that you’ll find someone who will love you for who you are, doesn’t matter the mark.” For that, you smiled again. Thanking him for being sweet and thoughtful.

After he left, you couldn’t help but sigh. This was already the umpteenth time this happened to you.

But you couldn’t stay mad at Hanbin for turning you down simply because he didn’t reject you the way your other ex dates did. That was the reason why you let him go without holding a grudge.

The next few weeks, you’ve gone to lunch on an alternate basis between Hanbin and the guys. And every time you went with the guys, you could only prepare yourself for the constant bickering with the one and only, Min Yoongi and today was no different.

You were sitting next to Namjoon at the end of the table with the only space left empty being beside you. And it was as though luck wasn’t on your side, the only human left to arrive for lunch was none other than Yoongi himself.

You were just sipping your green tea when you heard his voice approaching towards your side of the table.

“Sorry hyung, that’s the only seat left.” Jungkook smiled sympathetically to the elder as you made it a point to not spare a glance over to him. You could hear his grunt of disapproval but nonetheless plopped his bag down on the chair before disappearing to buy his food.

When he did come back, you had just gotten a whole chunk of chocolate fudge cake shoved into your mouth by Taehyung who was seated opposite you.

You were unable to pull the dangling piece of cake into your mouth so you tilted your head back. But instead of the cake entering your mouth, it ended up falling into your hands when you felt your head crash into something behind you.

And the hiss just told you who it was.

“Watch it before I spill hot soup on you.” Yoongi said as he placed the bowl of steaming noodle soup on the table top beside your tray.

“Don’t worry because I’ll make sure it spills on you too.” You challenged him back, earning a glare from him.

You heard a few sighs coming from some of the guys but you couldn’t care less. You busied yourself by scrolling through your social media in hopes that the time would just pass by quicker so that you can be away from him after lunch ends.

A few days later, you had just finished your shower when you noticed your mark slowly growing more and more opaque. To which you could finally see the design of it.

It was a dream catcher.

A pretty one at that. You softly traced your finger over the outline of the detail, keeping your eye on the reflection. Just then, a soft sigh left your lips.

This means that your designated soulmate has supposedly crossed your path more than once. But seeing how the ink is getting darker with each passing day, could only mean that if not often, this person is near you at least more than 3 times a week.

A week went by and Jungkook had invited you to his birthday slash pool party that weekend. He invited only the guys and some of their girlfriends. You’ve met the girlfriends a few times and they’ve all been pretty sweet to you so far. All of them are so down to earth. You told Jungkook you’ll be there, earning a happy soft clap from him when you said so.

On the day of the party, you had just finished your shower when you noticed the water droplets underneath you weren’t clear. You looked harder only to realize those weren’t water.

It was blood.

“Great… Thanks mother nature…” You huffed as you went to get your feminine item from your cupboard. After successfully changing into the attire you chose for the day, you tied your hair into a messy ponytail before leaving your bathroom.

You wore simple denim shorts and a loose shirt tucked into your jeans.

When you actually made it to Jungkook’s house, you were surprised to know that he was living in a one story house with a built-in pool ready when he moved in.

Apparently his parents were pretty wealthy people so they bought this house for him, saying it would give him the opportunity to take responsibility in keeping the house clean and tidy rather than his mother having to do it for him all the time.

You called Jungkook’s phone only for him to pick up on the second ring. You told him you were at his front gate so he hung up the call and rushed over to you.

Once you were inside his beautiful compound, he brought you towards the back through his side garden. Distinct voices gradually get louder the nearer you get to them. The minute you turned round the corner, you instantly saw more than half of them in the pool including the ladies.

Seokjin and Taehyung were over at the barbeque grill, cooking the meat for everyone. There was a table filled with all kinds of snacks and sweet drinks. It was a full on pool party.

Just then, a familiar voice rings in your ear already knowing it belonged to Hoseok.

“Y/N! You made it! Come join us!”

You stopped at one of the chairs only to put your sling bag down and apologized to him, “Sorry to burn the mood, but I can’t. Monthly calls.” You could hear some whines and sad pouts forming on some of their faces right after.

“Aww man, that’s a total bummer.” Jimin said, making you shrug.

However, you noticed a figure leaning against the wall on the other side of the pool just blankly staring at you. That’s when you glanced over to see Yoongi. You held your stare for a moment before you turned away. Missing the way he was still staring at you even when you were making your way to Seokjin and Taehyung.

A few minutes later, you were just talking to Jiyeon who was taking a break from being in the pool. You sat facing each other but from where you were seated, your back was facing the grilling pit.

Jiyeon was just talking to you about baking when you noticed someone swimming to the side that was aligned with where you were sitting.

Only to realize it was Yoongi.

He placed his hands on the edge of the pool and soon pushed himself upwards. You watched as water flowed down his body effortlessly. Cursing yourself for even staring at his shirtless form. He pushed his wet hair out of his face, resulting in him having sort of a slick back hairstyle.

He was too busy talking to Hoseok and Jungkook who were still in the pool, his head completely turned away from you.

Right when you were about to look away, your eyes caught sight of the imprinted ink on his left rib. You didn’t think much of it as you turned away from him. But then something in your brain ticked you off like a time bomb. So you carefully turned back to him just a few feet away from you.

That’s when you saw it.

The dream catcher on his left rib is so prominent and bold against his milky skin. Not to mention his toned abs. A soft gasp left your lips as he walked past you without sparing a single glance at you.

But you didn’t mind it. You were glad he didn’t see how shocked you were because if it did, he would have said something about it.

So instead, you just got up and left, entering Jungkook’s home through the glass doors frantically. You rushed in and went straight to the said destination. Once inside, you took a moment to steady your breathing as you brought your gaze up to the long mirror that laid upon you on the wall landscape.

You carefully pulled your shirt up to expose the ink on your own skin. You could only stare at it through the reflection before looking down at your own torso and gently tracing your finger over the outer rim of the dream catcher’s hoop.

You didn’t know how long you were gone for. It wasn’t until a voice broke your train of thoughts.

“Was it really necessary to rush into someone’s house like-”

However, his speech got stuck in his throat when his eyes flickered over to the reflection in the mirror. No it wasn’t your face he was staring at. It wasn’t the soap bottles lining Jungkook’s sink.

It was your mark on your left rib.

You swiftly pulled your shirt down to hide it from him from seeing any more details of it. With quick hasty steps, you turned to leave the bathroom and had barely taken a step out into the hallway when he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back to face him.

“Show me.” He said firmly.

“Show you what?”

“Don’t play dumb, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“I- I don’t know what you mean-”

Without warning, Yoongi used his free hand to lift your shirt up to stop right below your bra line as his hands naturally cupped your sides to keep your shirt there. He finally caught a clear look of the inked design on you, seeing how familiar it looked to him.

You could’ve sworn you saw his eyes flicked wider for just a millisecond before it went back to its original state.

For some reason, your lung felt restricted and your heart dropped upon seeing the same mark on his skin at the same exact spot as yourself. You wanted to run away. All you wanted to do now was to be as far away from him as you can.

So you slapped his hands away, making him lose his grip on you before you turned around to leave.

He grabbed your wrist again but this time, you mustered whatever strength you had left to yank your arm from him. Tears stinging your eyes as it threatens to fall, yet you don’t fully understand why.

“Don’t! J-Just… leave me alone… please.” Your voice falls into a whisper as you rush to the backyard, ignoring their worried calls as you simply told them you weren’t feeling well because of your monthly calls. When Yoongi did come back to the backyard, he was questioned as to what happened back in the house and why you looked like you were about to cry.

Yoongi couldn’t help but stare at your descending back just in time before you turned the corner and disappeared fully from sight. Only for him to lie to them despite knowing exactly why you left.

“She wasn’t feeling well.”

The week went by and you have been avoiding coming relatively close to the rest other than the 2 who were obviously unavoidable. But it’s not like you had anything against them. You just wanted to avoid Yoongi at all costs for now. It was a Friday and you had just finished your classes for the day when the two boys exchanged glances to each another before Jungkook spoke up.

“Hey, do you wanna grab something to eat with us after this?” You knew he was being nice. You knew he wasn’t to blame for Yoongi having the same exact soulmate mark as you. So for that, you chose not to lash out at him.

“It’s fine. I’ll pass.” You smiled half heartedly and they could tell. But thankfully, they chose not to question further.

The three of you were walking towards the main entrance as usual when you saw the rest of the group seeming to wait for you three. You glanced up to Jungkook beside you who gestured a small wave to the others, only for you to accidentally look over.

And the first thing you saw was Yoongi already looking at you.

Great.

Before you could get to close, you bid your goodbyes to your friends as you separated from them to head towards the gates. Nobody has yet to know why you were acting this way other than Yoongi himself. You were just halfway through the parking lot when a firm grip on your wrist made you turn after being tugged back gently.

You nearly crashed into the figure whom you weren’t surprised when you saw it was him.

“Stop acting like a child.” He said, his tone held something much more than just firmness. He sounded like he’s… hurt almost.

“So what? This marking thing is a load of bullshit. Why does it determine who we should be with? That’s unfair! I’ve seen couples who have different marks and yet they’re still happy together?!” You said, clearly letting your emotions take over your mind.

“If you think it’s bullshit then why are you ignoring me like I’ve just killed your pet?!” He asked, his voice now a tad louder than it was before.

“Because all the guys I’ve tried dating care too much about these marks! Every single one of them ditched me when they found out I didn’t have the same mark! And what are the odds that the one person who has the same exact mark as me, happens to be the one person that has been nothing but a daily source of fight with me?” You paused as his grip on you loosened, his glare suddenly softened.

“Of course I couldn’t believe it… I didn’t want to believe that of all people, it’s you… That’s why I ignore you.” Your voice grew soft as you saw the way his eyes flickered back and forth on your own brown pupils.

“So you’re saying you hate me? Is that it?” His question was simple but it held a thousand meanings and you knew it.

“I don’t even know anymore, Yoongi…” You whispered as you slowly pulled your hand out of his grip and quickly left before he could say anything else. Yoongi stood there trying to process everything. Still not entirely sure of what just happened. Just then, a gentle hand on his shoulder made him return back to reality.

“Hey man, you okay?” Namjoon’s calm voice spoke from beside Yoongi as the latter could only nod.

“We heard your conversation… Well, we didn’t intend to anyways… But, is it true? That you both have the same mark?” Namjoon continued.

He could hear the soft, quiet curse leaving Yoongi’s lips during his exhale before he spoke up, “Yeah… That was actually the reason why she abruptly left during Jungkook’s pool party.” Yoongi explained and it all began to fall into place for Namjoon. The younger could only nod as he finally put the pieces together.

“Mmm, and so I’m guessing she’s too overwhelmed with the fact that you have the mark out of a billion people to walk this planet?” Namjoon said.

“Bingo.” Yoongi sighed as the two began to walk back to their friends who were still gathered at the entrance despite hearing the commotion earlier. If space is what you need, then space is what he shall give. But of course, you can’t run from him forever.

It has been two weeks since your outburst with Yoongi and you have been keeping your distance from him again. The guys also didn’t try to tag you along knowing fully well that you needed space from Yoongi. For that, you silently thanked them. It was a Saturday night and you had made it a point to go for a quick grocery run to stock up your refrigerator with edible food.

After getting all the items you needed, you went to the queue. The lady at the counter scanned every item on the conveyor belt and went ahead to put it in the plastic bag before telling you the total cost.

You were about to reach into your jeans pocket when you noticed them being flat.

You felt around the pockets of your jeans and it was in fact empty. With that being said, you mentally cursed yourself for not bringing your wallet with you. Not only that, this store was the only one nearest to your apartment and it was closing in 10 minutes.

You wouldn’t make it back in time if you went home now to retrieve your wallet.

So you apologized to the lady who looked equally done with her job as you left the store empty handed. You were just walking down the partially empty street when you felt something drop onto your cheek. You stopped walking to feel what it was. Before you could touch your cheek, another drop hits the top of your head. And then another. And another.

“Fuck my life…”

You whispered to yourself as the sky suddenly began to downpour on you. Watching as some people ran across the road for shelter, some whips out their umbrella to shield them from the rain, some simply stayed indoors to avoid being caught in the rain.

However, you were too tired to even care about seeking shelter. Feeling as if today was the worst day of your life.

You continued to stroll down the street completely soaked under the rain.

You wrapped your arms around yourself in attempts to keep yourself warm but it clearly did no shit for you. Absent minded to notice your surroundings, you didn’t hear the calls for your name until the vehicle came to a gradual slow speed beside you on the street.

“Y/N!”

It was Yoongi.

“Leave me alone…”

“Y/N, why in the world are you walking in the heavy rain? You might fall sick, you dummy.”

“Who c-cares?” Your lips were starting to quiver from the cold.

“I do.”

You could’ve sworn your heart just skipped a beat at that response.

“Look, let me take you to my place and get you dry clothes while waiting for the rain to stop. I’ll send you home after.” He said.

“I d-don’t need your… h-help, Yoongi.”

He let out a soft groan in annoyance with your stubbornness, only to drive a little further down before bringing the car to a complete stop. You were about to carry on walking but your feet just came to a halt when you saw him running out of his car and coming to you.

“Come on and stop whining like a little kid.” Yoongi said as he grabbed your wrist and began jogging back to his car, pulling you into the passenger side before going back to the driver seat.

Once safely inside, he drove off into the night and made a left turn at the junction while your apartment building was to the right and probably about a 20 minutes walk. The car ride was quiet as neither of you said anything. You simply let him do what he said he would. When he finally brought the car to a park, he turned off the engine and soon climbed out of the vehicle.

You followed suit as he had already come over to your side to hold the door for you. After he’d locked the car, he led you to his apartment complex as you followed behind him. You took in the interior of his apartment complex, it looked slightly older than yours but still well maintained.

Apparently, he lived on the 14th floor unlike you who lived on the 5th floor.

He soon pulls out his house key and proceeds to unlock his front door. He opens the door for you, letting you step inside first. Once he had closed the door behind him, he told you to wait there as he excused himself to go get you a clean towel and new dry clothes for you to change into.

You took in the minimalist setting of his apartment, quite similar to yours except your walls are white and his is grey.

Yoongi came back with a handful, telling you where the bathroom was.

You followed his directions and soon closed the bathroom door once you’ve stepped inside. In the meantime, Yoongi had gone to change out of his own wet clothes into a clean pair of his sweatpants and a hoodie. He was boiling hot water to make hot chocolate for the two of you when you cleared your throat behind him.

He turned around at the sound, only for him to scheme through your outfit in which he had so specifically chosen for you. He had lent you one of his sleeping shorts and an oversized black hoodie that looked a little too big on you.

But for some reason, you looked good in them.

He almost had to pinch himself for staring too long before he finally spoke up, “Uhh, my dryer’s in the laundry room. Second door to the left.”

You nodded as you disappeared back down the hall, only for him to mentally curse himself for losing his composure. After 2 minutes or so, you came back having managed to turn the dryer on.

He handed you the cup of hot chocolate, not forgetting to thank him for it.

There was a short moment of peaceful silence before he gestured over to his living room. The both of you went over to the couch as you sat on either ends of the furniture. He turned his tv on and was busying himself with searching through Netflix when you mustered up the courage to ask him what was on your mind for the past half an hour.

“Why did you help me?”

Yoongi turned to you briefly, unsure if he should answer the question truthfully.

“As much as we fight, I’m not entirely heartless.”

Your eyes bore into him as you soon found yourself looking down at your hands when he turned to look at you. If it wasn’t for the tv, you knew for a fact that he could’ve heard the thumping of your heart. Silence fell over you two again but he broke it as soon as it started.

“Why were you walking in the rain?”

“I was on a grocery run.”

“But I don’t recall seeing you carry any bags of groceries?”

“That’s because I couldn’t pay for it without my wallet…”

He raised his eyebrows at you in disbelief, finding it ridiculous that you only realized it when you were checking out of the store.

“Shut up. This kind of stuff happens okay…” You scoffed, earning a quiet chuckle coming from him followed by an, “Okay, okay.” The room fell silent again and you were just playing with the strings of your hoodie.

Silently wishing for time to pass quicker but it seems like the rain only got heavier.

“Look, I think we should just forget about the whole marking thing and just… start over?” He said, causing you to look at him but he seemed like he was diligently avoiding your gaze.

“Start… over?” You dragged your words to show that you wanted a slightly more detailed explanation.

“What I mean is… let’s stop ignoring each other and stop fighting over the smallest little issues like we did when we were young. Back then we were still young and immature. But we’re not anymore, are we?” He ended with a question, making you huff.

You know he has a point but your ego is still higher than ever.

“Are you only saying this because I’m your soulmate?”

“No. I really am tired of fighting with you.”

“Why now? Why only want to call truce after you’ve seen my mark? Doesn’t that say a lot?” You were stubborn and he knows it. And yet, he still answers you to clear all your doubts.

Surprisingly patient with you.

“I know it might look like what you think, but it’s really not. I don’t care about the marking much like you. But after thinking about it, I feel like it’s actually childish to hold a grudge on each other for the things we’ve done years ago, don’t you think?” He explained, hoping it’ll get past that rock solid head of yours.

Your heart knows he’s right but your mind forces you to say otherwise.

With that, you huffed as you got up and excused yourself to go check on your clothes. Before you could make it past the first door on the left, he grabbed your wrist and tugged you back.

He pressed you against the wall with his other hand beside your head to trap you.

Your free hand hovered in between both yours and his chest as he was less than 4 inches away. Your faces were so close you could feel his breath hitting your lips. You would’ve slapped him if he did this years ago.

But now?

“Why are you so stubborn?”

He asked, his voice low as you kept your heated gaze on his eyes even though you saw the way his eyes flickered back and forth between your eyes and lips.

Rising heat from both anger and his body temperature radiated off him, engulfing you like a cocoon. You could’ve sworn you saw his pupils dilate a few times now that he was this close to you. It was quiet in the hallway as he frowned, still waiting for an answer from you. But instead, you gently pressed your hand on his warm chest that was in between your bodies.

This was enough to make him flinch slightly. His crammed face relaxed for a moment when he looked down at your hand on his chest before looking back at you.

Even more confusion struck him.

Your heart was racing rapidly in your chest, and you were so sure he could hear it. You couldn’t bear to look at him any longer so you looked down at your hand as you slid it up towards the necklace he was wearing. Playing with the pendant in between your fingers.

You didn’t realise this but his grip on your wrist was long gone and was now slowly snaking that arm around your waist.

Yoongi leaned in very subtly to let his lips brush against yours just to see your reaction. He closed his eyes, taking in the feeling of having you this close for the first time. You did the same as your other hand rested on his left bicep. Before you knew it, he closed whatever remaining gaps in between only to kiss you.

Your heart exploded in your chest as he used the hand beside your head to cup your cheek. You leaned into his touch while you reciprocated the kiss. Yoongi’s grip on your waist tightened as he pulled you against him.

He felt both your hands now just holding onto his biceps for support, his lips tugging upwards against your mouth.

You could feel his muscles flexing under your fingertips as he pulled away from your mouth and was now trailing soft kisses down your neck. A soft sigh left your lips, feeling him give some love to the part that joins your neck and shoulder blade together.

“Yoongi…” Your voice came out as a mere whisper.

Just when you wanted to say something, your breath hitched in your throat when you felt his hands slip past your shirt only to rest them on your sides when your mark was.

His touch was gentle but it definitely did something to your poor heart.

“Answer me truthfully… Are you okay with… this?” Yoongi asked, gesturing between you and him. “With us? Because you can say no if you’re really against this. I would never force you.”

You stared at him for a while, rethinking your answer. You’ve been so firm about not caring who has the same soulmate mark as you because you thought it was all bullshit. But now, standing in front of him and knowing that he has the mark, not only that but he seemed like he really genuinely likes you is making it twice harder for you to say no.

But your silence was too long for him as he counted to 3 in his mind. When you didn’t respond, he slowly nodded. Pulling himself away to leave a space between you.

“It’s okay, I understand… I think your clothes are dry. Go change, I’ll wait outside.” His voice was quiet as if he’s too upset, he can’t even look you in the eye. You felt bad. You never wanted him to feel this way. So when he turned in his heels to walk away, you yearned for him to come back.

Yoongi was halfway down his living room when he felt a smaller hand slide into his right one. His step came to a halt as he kept his back to you.

He was about to ask if there's something wrong but all he got was a soft apology.

“I’m sorry…”

You watched as he remained still, his back still facing you. Doing nothing to turn and look at you. Yoongi wasn’t sure what he wanted to do at the moment so he kept quiet.

Just then, you used your other hand to cup his that you were already holding. He would be lying if he said he didn’t like this. But he definitely wasn’t prepared for what you were about to do next. You weren’t sure if you trust your voice so instead, you took a few steps closer before wrapping your arms around his waist.

Pressing your cheek against his back. You stayed like that for a few seconds, basking in the sweet vanilla scent of his.

You could feel him tense up when you first hugged him but he soon relaxed in your arms.

You didn’t dare to do anything else, all until you felt him softly caress your arms only to lock his fingers with yours over top of your hands. You only nuzzled your face deeper into his back, afraid to look at him.

But when you feel him slowly move around in your arms, that’s when you let him face you.

The minute he sees your face, he immediately cups your cheeks and wasted no time in kissing you ever so sweetly. The butterflies in your stomach erupted as you snaked your arms around his shoulders, feeling him pull you closer to him by your waist.

He held you securely against him all the while never leaving your lips. You were the first to pull away, keeping the distance small between you and him.

Your eyes were still closed so you depended on your senses.

That wasn’t until you felt him cup your face again, caressing your cheek with his thumbs. The room fell silent as he brushed his soft lips against yours and whispered to you quietly, “Can we start over?”

You opted for just a nod, unsure if you could trust your voice. You opened your eyes to see him staring at you so softly with his doe round eyes.

Yoongi smiled, whispering an ‘okay’ before he kissed you again. He wrapped his arms around your waist as you melted against his lips. He took his time with you, making sure you were comfortable and that you really wanted this. He never wanted to hurt you in any way. He kept asking for your permission before he did anything and you appreciated it.

You woke up the next morning to a warm feeling engulfing you from behind. You stirred in your sleep, trying to see what it was. But the squeeze around your waist made you look down to see the familiar arm draped over your waist, tucking his hands underneath you. The silver bracelet around his right wrist could never be mistaken for someone else.

Just when you were about to snuggle deeper into the warmth of his body, you felt him kiss the back of your head. Your heart pounded in your chest, stomach flipped in your belly.

“Mmm, good morning.” He whispered, his morning voice low and raspy.

You sighed in content as you turned around to face him, only to find that he still had his eyes closed but there was a smile that crept on his lips.

With that, you smiled as you planted a soft kiss on his lips. You could feel him smirk against your lips, earning a soft giggle from you. His arm that was supporting your head, bent at the elbows as he began to play with your soft hair.

The next day, you came to school feeling a little down in the weather. Maybe it was a late reaction to when you got drenched in the rain. You were sniffling in your seat when Taehyung and Jungkook immediately caught the sight of your red nose.

“Hey, are you sick? Your nose is red.” Jungkook said, his voice laced with full concern. You simply shook him off saying it was just light flu.

The other two weren’t buying it, they said they would go get medicine for you after class and you all but rejected them. The last thing you’d wanna do was to burden them.

So after your morning class has ended and you have been dismissed for lunch, the three of you made it to the cafeteria only to find the rest of the guys already seated. But you and Yoongi still haven’t told them about your resolve yet. So they thought you two were still ignoring each other.

“Hey guys! Y/N? Are you okay? You look kind of pale…” Namjoon asked, making you smile.

“It’s just a little flu, that’s all.” You said, completely missing the way Yoongi was staring at you with pure concern.

“Do you wanna go home and rest?” Hoseok asked in which you shook your head, before a squeaky sneeze left your lips not forgetting to cover your mouth while you did. “Sorry…” You whispered an apology, earning a few laughs from them. Just then, Yoongi got up without a word, leaving the table.

You watched as he disappeared down the aisle towards the drink stall. You wondered what he was doing but nevertheless shrugged, going to the empty seats beside him and Jimin.

You took a seat beside Yoongi’s empty chair, not really having the appetite to eat.

You were just rejecting Jimin’s offer to feed you some of his food when Yoongi came back with a glass of hot tea, a bottle of water and a strip of two panadol flu tablets. The rest of them watched quietly as he sat down beside you and handed you the drinks.

“Here, take this.” He said softly, pulling your hand up to push the two tablets out of the strip onto your open palms.

“Oh? Since when are you guys on good terms?” Taehyung asked in utter confusion.

“We’re not. We’re just acting.” Yoongi replied sarcastically before twisting the bottle cap open for you. He waited for you to throw your head back and let the tablets fall into your mouth before gulping down the water.

After you were done, you thanked him quietly. You didn’t miss the little smirk on his face.

“Okay…” Seokjin said as he gently slammed his hands onto the table top, making some of you flinch.

“What’s going on? Last week you were both ignoring each other and now you’re taking care of her like she means the world to you?” He asked as you turned to Yoongi for help.

“Don’t you know the saying ‘People change’?” Yoongi said.

“Of course, but it’s almost too drastic. Just over the weekend too.” Seokjin said in disbelief.

“Well, I guess it happens.” Yoongi shrugged as Jungkook directed his question to you.

“So I’m guessing you too?”

“No. I still hate him.” You lied.

“Is that so? Then why are you holding his pinkie?” Hoseok smirked, pointing to your intertwined pinkie on the table. With that, you quickly removed your hands from Yoongi.

“Hey... Why did you let go? I was about to play with your fingers.”

Yoongi said with a small pout, making you blush. Just then, Yoongi reached back over to lace his fingers with yours, resting your hands on his lap only to steal a quick kiss to your cheek.

This stirred a few dramatic gasps from your other friends. “Did you guys see that?! That was- omg!” Seokjin’s voice was too loud, making Jimin cover his mouth with his hands.

“Oh hush your pie hole dust. Just let me be happy for once.” Yoongi smirked as you felt him caress the back of your hand. He’s definitely going to be a handful but you’re more than happy to entertain his crap.

~~~

[absolutelyfizzing]

he promised

poe dameron x reader

description - Poe always promised he would come back from missions. One time he doesn't. (Ends in fluff i promise i promise)

warnings - depression?, anxiety?, fem pronouns, talk of injury and death, grief, fluff at the end, use of petnames, reader gets carried for a while and sits on a lap, mentions of eating and eating avoidance (not ed)

word count - 3800

A/N - so this was an oops. I wrote this hella fast but i was in the zone and i am pretty happy with the emotionally devastating product. I promise it has a happy ending i just dont want to give too much away. I feel like for maximum emotional damage you need to be a little in the dark. anyway, forgive me

MASTERLIST

You were stood in the command center with your hands wringing together. No matter how many missions Poe went on, the waiting was always hell. How were you supposed to remain sane when the love of your life was out fighting a battle that he might not come back from. That you might never see him again. He always reassured you that he would always come back to you. That you never had anything to worry about. You tried to believe him, and for the most part you did, but that didn't prevent you from being worried when he was gone.

You listened through the coms, trying to keep track of what was happening during the battle. Leia let you stay in there because she had a soft spot for you, as well as the pilot you were worried about. You were thankful she let you listen in on every mission, it meant that you weren't alone worrying in the room you shared with Poe. The conversation over coms was rushed and loud, they were scared and that made your heart beat faster.

'I have to go through, they're gonna come after us if I don't.' You heard your fiance yell. Worry stuck in the pit of your stomach, he was going to take a risk, you could feel it.

'Poe, it's not worth it. We should get out of here while we still can'. You agreed, wanting him to get out of there as soon as possible. You prayed he would listen and just get out.

'I have to try, I can't go back knowing that they could be following us to base.'

'Poe wait-' You heard someone rush out before comotion ensued again. You could feel your heart in your throat. You could have cried. After a minute of listening to pure chaos, nobody in the control room dared to speak a word. Everyone was waiting for an indication of what to do from the squadron. You found yourself zoning out in your worry. You were only broken out of your trance when you heard your fiance's name.

'Poe is down.' You stopped breathing.

"Down? What do you mean down?" You heard Leia call over comms.

'I'm sorry commander, he got hit. His X-Wing engine got shot and he was heading to crash on the planet right below us, his coms died. There's no way to know if he made it through but I don't know many who could take that crash and live. We have to head out and hope he comes back to base but I wouldn't get my hopes up.'

"Get out of there while you still can. We will have to worry about Poe when we gather our strength." Leia responded and the squadron called their understanding before the process of bringing them home began. You hadn't moved. You weren't sure if you had breathed. Your body was fully numb. You could feel eyes on you as everyone waited for you to respond. To show some emotion of your boyfriend having just gone MIA. You couldn't feel yourself though, your fingertips were numb, and you refused to believe he was dead. He promised. He told you he would come home.

Your brain was split between trying to grieve for the loss of the love of your life and trusting that he would be back. That he had to come back because he promised he would and he never breaks a promise. You felt hands on you and you realized you had fallen to sit in your spot. Leia was above you and was ushering you to your feet. You mindlessly let her push you somewhere and you barely even looked to see where you were going.

Eventually you showed up at your apartment door. You couldn't tell whether it felt like it had been instantaneous or an eternity to get there. Leia unlocked your door and pushed you inside and to the small couch that was stood in the living room-like space. The apartments were all very small, Poe had one a little bigger because he was housing with another person and because of his rank. Still, the extra amenities included a small couch, a smaller kitchen, and a window along the bedroom wall. When Leia sat you on the couch she kneeled in front of you. Her hand went to your cheek and you looked at her for the first time since you'd heard Poe go down. She seemed to almost be in tears but your eyes were dry. You didn't feel anything.

"Y/N, what can I do?" She asked gently. "Do you need anything?" You felt yourself shake your head and open your mouth like you were going to talk but closed it again as you thought.

"He said... He said he was coming back." You stated as if it changed the situation. "He promised." You mumbled.

"I know, Y/N. I am so sorry." She tried to console and your head shook. "We don't know what happened after he went down. You heard the team. He might contact us in the next few days, he is a smart man and he knows how to get a message out. But I don't want it to hurt you more if he never does." She tries to reason and you shook your head.

"No, you don't understand. He promised, " your head was spinning, "he's coming back." You felt tears fall down your face. When had you started crying? "He promised me that he was coming back home." Your voice broke which surprised you. Before you knew it you were crying into Leia's arms and you couldn't stop yourself. That was how you stayed with her for a while after, you weren't sure how long. She shed some tears of her own but eventually you both ran dry. You lost feeling again and you couldn't tell if it was better or worse. You made a decision. You wouldn't grieve over him until you were sure he was not coming back. You wouldn't mourn until you were sure.

The alternative was not, however, to recover. Instead you just stopped doing anything at all. You stopped eating, taking care of yourself, caring. Soon, your friends came in to talk to you. Instead of it being conversation though, they just talked at you. You couldn't bring yourself to respond or really even listen. Or maybe you did but you just couldn't remember. They would periodically come through to help you into a shower in which you just let the water run over you while someone else, you thought maybe Rey but you couldn't even recall, washed your hair. You drank water when they asked and would take a bite of food if they begged but other than that you might as well have been dead to the world. You almost hadn't realized how much of a vital part to your existence Poe was. How little you could bring yourself to do without him. You had thought you were prepared to be separated, you were in the middle of a war after all. Instead it was impossible to do anything without him and you wondered how long you could keep doing it.

This went on for a week. That was how long it took for them to declare him 'killed in action'. They felt that, if he was alive, he would have found a way to contact the base with the help of BB8 and local lifeforms. That was when you allowed yourself to grieve. The numbness turned into pain and it was a million times worse. You would have given anything to go back to numb.

You finally listened to your friends when they talked to you but their consolations did nothing to put you at ease. You still struggled to do anything but you complied with their pleads. You had been convinced, 2 weeks after the KIA announcement, to go to the canteen. To see people and interact. Finn pulled you along with an attempt at a smile on his face. Your face was blank but you tried to soften your eyes. You knew he was trying to help and he was grieving the loss of his best friend as well. When you were pulled into the large cafeteria, all noise ceased. You knew that they were looking at you and you guessed that they pitied you. You had seen yourself in the mirror that morning and you would have pitied you too. You got pulled to a table and Finn went to go get you and himself food.

People periodically came by and said hello or asked how you were as you tried to eat something. You responded with one word answers usually and you hadn't met anyone's eyes. You could feel yourself getting overwhelmed and decided you would head back to your room. You quietly thanked Finn for trying and left to the hallway.

Suddenly, alarms sounded. You were startled into awareness and people began running past you.

'ALL EMERGENCY CREW TO FLIGHT DECK'

You were curious about the alarm but you weren't emergency crew and you knew they didn't need any more bodies there than would already be there. That was until you heard someone as they rushed by as they talked to the medic next to them.

"Yeah I heard it was him but he went missing weeks ago." They sounded confused and continued jogging toward the flight deck. You feet started moving before you could even process it and it was the fastest you'd moved since he had gone missing. Since he had died.

When you got to the flight deck there was already a crowd. You could see over the see a people a beat up X-Wing. You thought you might have heard a droid. You elbowed your way to the front of the crowd, not apologizing when people grumbled their frustrations at you. When you made it to the front you were stood no more than 50 feet from him. He was soot covered and beat up but he was standing as he tried to wiggle out of the grasp of the medics. BB8 beeped and turned, spotting you. He made a loud excited noise and rushed to roll over to you and Poe turned at the sound. When he met your gaze he smiled.

You felt your knees give out and tears start to fall from your eyes. Your arms crossed over your stomach and you started to curl into a ball over your knees. A sob left you and suddenly large warm hands were on your shoulders.

"Y/N? My love, are you okay?" He rushed out, checking over you for injury as the medics still grumbled about needing to see him. His hand came under your chin to move your face so he was making eye contact with you. You let out another sob before grabbing his vest and pulling him into you, he kneeled to the ground as you clung to him and cried into his chest. He moved himself so he was sitting on the ground and he pulled you into his lap. You felt his hands on your back trying to soothe you but you couldn't stop crying. "I'm back. I'm so sorry I was gone but I'm back." He mumbled out as he kissed your head a few times.

"I'm so angry at you." You whispered and he almost laughed, just happy to hear your voice. You finally pulled your head out of his chest and kissed him like your life depended on it, like it was the last time you would ever see him. You pulled away so you were looking into his eyes. "Please don't leave me," you begged almost silently. You weren't even sure if he could hear you. "Please don't leave again."

"I'm not leaving, baby, I promise." He tried to calm you. "I'm right here. I'm okay."

You nodded, trying to convince yourself that he was real and he was here. You kissed him again just to check. You pulled away again, still trying to convince yourself.

"You died." You struggled out and Poe felt tears in his eyes as well. "You were dead, you crashed and you didn't make it and then they said you were gone." You said like that was what happened.

"I didn't die, my love. I'm right here. I'm alive, I'm okay." Poe pleaded and he grabbed your hand, bringing it up to his face so you could feel him. Your hand moved along is jaw which was now covered in stubble and grime. Your head shook like you were disagreeing with him but you were simply in disbelief.

"I love you" You mumbled as your eyes traced the lines of his face and tears fell from your eyes. He let a few tears fall as well before pressing meaningful kisses to every part of your face that he could reach.

You spent the next 2 hours like that. You wouldn't leave his hold and he didn't try to move you. The medics worked around you and everyone greeted him without disturbing you. You stayed, on his lap, curled into his chest. Your breathing had slowed to a normal pace and you were holding onto his vest tightly. Eventually, he had to be debriefed. He petted your hair and cooed at you to catch your attention.

"Y/N, my love," he whispered, "we have to get up now." He felt you nod but you made no move to get up from him. He took a breath before moving you off of his lap as you whined, standing up, and then picking you up so you could wrap yourself around him. You hummed contentedly into his chest and he had a smile on his face as he walked through the base.

"I love you." You whispered again into his chest. You had been doing it periodically every so often in the last 2 hours and every time Poe would repeat it back to you, kiss your head, or say something else. This time he chose to kiss your head.

"Baby, I have to go to the debriefing now and you know you can't come with me." He tried to say gently but he knew this separation might be hard for both of you. "I'm gonna put you down." He warned before encouraging your legs to go to the floor. You listened but didn't release his neck which you were also clung to. His hands fell to your waist and you both stood for a moment with your heads in each others necks and breathing deeply. "I'm gonna hand you off to Rey, okay?" He asked as he flagged down Rey from the hallway.

"Okay." You whispered, still not releasing him.

"Hey, Rey, sorry to bother you but could you keep Y/N company for a few minutes while I talk to Leia and the squadron?"

"Oh of course!" Rey chirped and you took a deep breath before releasing Poe. You let him kiss your cheeks and your nose before he walked the other direction toward the command center. You stared at him until Rey put her hand in yours and clasped it. You turned to look at her and for the first time in weeks, she saw you smile. "I'm so happy for you, Y/N." She assured and you believed her.

"Thank you." You whispered and another tear fell from you, this time of joy and happiness. Not grief.

"What do you say to heading to your room and get cleaned up a bit, yeah?" She tried and you nodded, following where her hand lead with one last glance toward the direction that Poe went.

"-the converter didnt even work until a day ago because the main power source broke down." Poe finished explaining his time on the planet he had crashed on and the rest of the squadron nodded and asked a few more questions. Once he was done, Finn met him outside the command center.

"So-" he paused, "I'm not sure how to say this nicely but most of your stuff went into the redistribution center because you were presumed dead." He rushed out. Poe took a moment to process and nodded.

"Well that's sort of a bummer. Could I borrow some of your stuff?" Poe asked, knowing it would take at least a day for him to get reassigned sets of uniforms.

"Yeah of course, that's why I'm standing here waiting for you. You could get cleaned up in my room too if you want. I know Y/N kept a few of your jackets and shirts but most of it got taken." The boys began to walk toward Finn's living quarters and there was a moment of silence before Poe asked something he wasn't sure he wanted the answer to.

"What happened when I was gone?" His throat felt dry suddenly and his words came out hoarse. "To Y/N I mean. Was she okay?" Poe wasn't sure what answer he wanted. He knew from your recent reaction that you were devastated, as he would have been, but he also knew he had a dangerous job. He might not come back from some other mission in the future and he hoped you would survive without him.

"Do you really want to know?" Finn questioned.

Poe nodded.

"I mean, she was broken." He paused to think. "She didn't talk to anyone for a week. Wouldn't move. Wouldn't cry. Rey had to help her shower and we had to beg her to eat. We almost sent her to the med wing because we thought she was gonna pass out from dehydration, she would barely take a sip of water." Poe's heart was in his throat but he was sure there was more. "Then you were pronounced KIA."

"Oh god."

"Yeah it wasn't pretty. They pulled your stuff out of your guys' room, took your name off the ledger. Leia let her keep some stuff but it was hard to watch. She finally cried, she just wouldn't stop. She was more responsive but she wasn't even moving towards okay. You could tell she was only doing what we were asking because we were begging. That she was doing it out of guilt. Today was actually the first day that I talked her into coming out of her room. She had been to the canteen for about an hour when she felt she needed to leave and then alarms sounded that you were back." Finn finished with a glance to his friend and Poe looked like he might throw up.

"I want her to be okay if I don't make it back one day." Poe tried to explain to his friend.

"She probably would have been functioning in a few months. She wouldn't have recovered but she would function. She's a strong woman, but she also loves you a lot. I mean, how would you react if she was killed on mission?" Poe could tell it was a rhetorical question but he thought about it very carefully. You were an engineer so you weren't called out on mission often, not nearly as often as him. When you were, he was worried sick the whole time. He hadn't really thought about how him being gone affected you before. Now looking back on it he kicked himself for it.

Poe thought about what he would have done if you had died and he thought that your reaction was probably mild. That he would have been unresponsive for weeks or even become violent with anger and grief. He knew that you were the one for him, the most important thing in his life, and without you he didn't know if he would find purpose in his life anymore. He fought in the war as hard as he did for you. To make the galaxy safer for you.

When he went MIA it was because he tried to take out a couple more imperial ships than he could handle. He only did it because he knew they would have followed them back to base if they left. Back to you. So he took the risk and it backfired but he knew he would do it again to try and keep the First Order away from you.

He was knocked out of his train of thought by the arrival at Finn's quarters. Poe tried to get cleaned up and dressed quickly, getting the grime off of himself and shaving his face. He hurried back to your shared quarters and when he entered his room he was greeted with your smiling face as you laughed.

You were sat on the bed, Rey on the other end, as you were talking about something which caught you in a fit of giggles. At the sound of him stepping into the room you looked at him and got up quickly to rush up and hug him tightly.

"Missed you." You mumbled into his chest. As he held you Rey silently nodded at Poe and left the room.

"Was only gone for a minute, honey bun." He reassured and you pulled your face back.

"You know I hate that one."

"Boo bear?" he teased and you shook your head no. "Munchkin?" nope. "honey bear?" no thank you. "Baby love?" You tilted your head a bit.

"I don't loathe that one."

"Sweetheart?"

"I like that one."

"Princess?"

"That's my favorite" You giggled and kissed him quickly for a moment. He could have cried at the sight of you giggling. He had missed that, you, the sounds you made, so goddamn much. More than he would ever put into words.

"I know it is, pretty girl." He smiled before picking you up and you squealed. He walked you over to the bed before dropping you on it and laying next to you. You climbed close to him, practically laying on his chest. His arm was snug around your waist and he left no room for you to move, not that you would have anyway. "How would you feel about going to bed, princess?" He almost whispered, not wanting to disrupt the fragile quiet in the room.

"Yes please. I love you Poe." You whispered back and closed your eyes a bit, focussing on his breathing.

"I love you, Y/N" he responded.

You both got the first decent sleep you'd had in weeks that night.