#(​ignoring the fact that they are actually oppressed for a sec)

[sholb]

shout out to the people who DON'T struggle :)

[starberry-fag]

something something... the ideology that one *must* be opressed to be part of a marginalized community is something t//rfs, transandrophobes, and aphobes all share.... something something

[caneannabelle]

ok hi guys. it’s been a while. i wrote this analysis back when Mag 187 aka Checking Out aka The One Where Helen Dies first came out and literally ever since i’ve posted it i’ve wanted to redo it because it feels. lacking. listen if there’s one thing i hate it’s incomplete media analysis and i must right my wrongs lest i be forced to look upon myself and crumble from within. that being said, i’ve been putting off this rewrite for a long long time bc Life Gets Weird. tldr this was written over the course of several months so i apologize for inconsistent quality. anyways let’s get into it!

part one: recap!

it’s been a while! let’s just go over what happened. the scene i wanna focus on in particular is this one:

VICTIM

You’ve got to help me!

ARCHIVIST

[Angrily] Don’t touch me!

[THE ARCHIVIST PULLS AWAY, AS THE VICTIM FALLS AND IS CRYING]

HELEN

Oopsie. Not so easy, is it? Keeping up your humanity?

(187).

that being said i’m gonna be kind of all over the place but! i do think that’s a good jumping off point.

part two (part one): disparaging everyone’s problematic fav

in my original post my point was that in reflexively reacting to a victim with disgust and anger jon inadvertently reveals the nature of his dedication to helping victims as ego driven, especially because this line is directly preceded by him asserting his moral high ground over helen as being a “protector” as opposed to her indulgence in destruction. what i’m saying is homeboy has a savior complex. honestly there’s a lot of evidence to support that claim but i think the most obvious example would be jordan kennedy. like.

JORDAN

…Yeah. But wrong. Sick.

What did you do to me?

ARCHIVIST

I helped you.

JORDAN

Helped me? I don’t feel right, I, I just – Ah! No I don’t – argh! I don’t want this!

(184). to be clear it’s an action with a good intent! he just wants to help someone who once helped him! BUT it also demonstrates a lack of conscious empathy. i feel like i don’t have to argue this since jordan Literally vocally said he didn’t want this several times throughout the scene but the point remains that while jon’s intent is good the actual application of his saviourism removes the autonomy of those he affects. i’m not gonna touch on the “is it objectively immoral to become an oppressor for the sake of self preservation while existing within an extreme system in which all are oppressed regardless of your individual status” query mostly because i do not have the brainpower available rn to come to my own conclusion about systems of power and the way they’re represented in tma (which is a whole other rant tbh) but jon DOES rob jordan of the ability to come to his own conclusion in this debate and make his own choice, thereby removing his autonomy. you know. autonomy. free will. the thing that is central to jon’s internal conflicts. huh.

anyways i NEED to stress that i’m not saying that he’s the same as jonah or the web or even annabelle (although annabelle is a victim. no i don’t take constructive criticism). i just want to point out that his actions reflect a lack of understanding. while he’s able to empathize with the pain others experience and is eternally hyper- aware of it he is unable to view that pain through any lense besides his own and uses it in his cycle of self pity and blame, minimizing it at any point possible in the quickest way and Not prioritizing the wishes of the victim but instead the efficiency in decreasing his own guilt. anyways back to 187- both the victim and jordan are treated as props by jon (and helen) and once they serve their purpose in reaffirming the two’s sense of self are cast aside and ignored. ok from here i’m gonna get conceptual and self indulgent bc it’s my analysis and i get to bring up vague convoluted philosophy.

part two (part two): part two

let’s talk about the distortion for a sec. i refuse to believe helen and michael were both completely gone and it was just the distortion piloting their visage, mostly because… like that’s not what the text would indicate

HELEN

Michael isn’t me. Not now.

ARCHIVIST

What happened?

HELEN

He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me.

Lost my way.

(101). it’s heavily implied that there was SOME remainder of michael in there, even if the being wasn’t him. maybe i’m way off base here but the way i interpreted the implosion of michael was that it was driven by his inability to maintain the repressed resentment and anger he had for gertrude. like it’s pretty clear that some warped version of michael’s feelings were trapped inside of the distortion and i’d go as far as to say that they were integral to his formation as it. i’m gonna operate on the assumption that michael and helen are two separate beings here for a sec even though we know they’re not. As opposed to michael’s resentment for the archivist, helen actively sought refuge in the institute and from the small amount we saw of her Pre-Distortion it seems like her paranoia is internally directed. i think you could even say that while michael was caught in an eternal battle with the concept of connection, helen is caught in a battle with the concept of self. the point is that she thinks of jon in a less “The Archivist” sense and more as just That Guy who she had an intense connection with that one time.

ARCHIVIST

So… S-so what do you want?

HELEN

I don’t know. Helen liked you, so… there’s a lot to consider. But I will help you leave.

(101). i would also like to point out that helen’s emergence as the distortion coincides with jon coming to terms with his identity as the archivist. parallels, baby! SO helen is a newly formed being that is grappling with the concept of her own existence and jon is reevaluating his understanding of identity as he comes to terms with the fact that he is turning into the thing he’s fighting against and this is all happening at the same time. live laugh love. stay with me here, i promise i’ll get back to 187. Throughout seasons 4 and 5 helen attempts to validate her own moral decisions via jon who she once saw herself in. conversely, jon sees both an image of what he could become AND arguably a representation of his past failure in her.

ARCHIVIST

It did. I think… I mean, you remember how I was back then, how paranoid. The Not!Sasha was there, and I could sense something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t place it. It left me a suspicious wreck. Then when Helen Richardson came in, it seemed like… she was in the same place I was, but worse, further along. I thought, maybe if I could help her, that would mean… maybe I wasn’t beyond help?

(188). helen and jon lie at opposite ends of the same spectrum. both of them derive pleasure from the suffering of others

HELEN

Oh, John! This existence can be wonderful, if you just let it.

ARCHIVIST

[Sadly] I know.

(187). needless to say that a LOT of jon's arc and the themes surrounding him focus on the concept of autonomy and addiction and i think it'd be fair to say that this component is an aspect of that. repressing these qualities is both a way of reaffirming his control and also just.. him trying to be what he perceives as Good, and season 5 is the point at which this comes to the forefront of his character- particularly the line between what is intrinsic and what he truly has control over. a battle of the concept of the self, if you will. while the two share similar traits, jon is intensely moralistic while helen indulges in a twisted sense of hedonism and both are fueled by an inability to expand their viewpoint. helen fully immerses herself within these qualities and intentionally blinds herself to any concepts of morality (indulgence), and jon actively pushes back on this as hard as he can and follows black and white moral framework (repression). this means that in order for their relationship to function he must either accept her, choosing to let go in his personal battle with autonomy OR she must break out of her worldview and conform to standards of human morality which goes against her own nature.

part three: questions i do not have the answer to

so. what does it all mean. WELL. 187 is the boiling point of all this tension. we know that helen relies on jon to validate her sense of self and we know that jon sees himself in helen, both past and present

HELEN

But that doesn’t make any sense. You barely met her. You had half an hour together, and she spent most of that ranting about mazes! She was positively delirious with paranoia!

ARCHIVIST

True. But as you’ll recall, I was pretty paranoid myself at that point.

HELEN

So what? You saw yourself in her? A sad reflection? A possible future?

(187). I’d argue that 187 is demonstrative of jon’s inability to either fall into complete indulgence in intrinsic values that lack moral validity vs. maintain and image of self that does not conflict with the values he attempts to uphold in order to find internal satisfaction and yes both of those concepts are inherently egocentric as he bases his moral judgement on what he can justify to himself instead of what can be calculated via empathy. however. paired with the alternative (helen). is that BAD. is it inherently selfish to do what you perceive as good in order to feed your own savior complex? and if so, is it inherently selfish to indulge in destructive qualities as to not delude yourself? is honesty vs deception a black and white question? if not, where does helen even fall? in not deluding herself does she achieve a moral high ground? IS she deluding herself by denying the potential to be facetiously benevolent at the detriment of both her personal enjoyment and her honesty? does helen even posses the capability to repress her violent qualities? if she doesn't, does she have any autonomy? if she and jon are both inherently selfish and intentionally resistant to introspection, what makes them different? i do not have answers but i do think the text is meant to invoke these questions. i mean,

MICHAEL (STATEMENT)

There was a great evil, she said, and Michael was going to help her fight it. Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When that nature is created by those which revile it? Perhaps Gertrude believed so. Michael certainly did. He believed everything she told him.

(101).

part 5: conclusion

so once again. what does it all mean. well! even post helen’s death jon continues to fight for autonomy and preserve his moral worldview so. i think that probably indicates something good.

MARTIN

Huh. She couldn’t help what she was, I guess.

ARCHIVIST

She didn’t even try.

(188). i honestly don’t have a thesis i just find it incredibly interesting how the themes surrounding these two intersect and play off of each other. anyways looping back to 187 i do think in a broad sense jon killing helen is representative of him choosing to stick by his convictions and keep fighting. i don’t have any good way to end this but thanks for sticking around during my self indulgent rambling!

[sunflowerbloomss]

Hi! I've seen your post about Unorthodox. As a person who is not Jewish I wanted to search for opinions about this show here on tumblr to get to know different points of views, especially from Jewish people. Then I found your post and a few other posts. Many of them were criticising the show for using the "escape from the cult" trope. Yours was rather positive. Those people said that it's making Hasidic people look bad and that it's ignorant. What's your take on this?

hello!!! i actually have a lot to say about this so bear with me for a sec. my tl;dr is basically that the “escape from the cult” trope is always bound to showing “the cult” in the worst way possible, while on unorthodox the only person with bad motives from the community is moishe.

i’ll start by saying that the hasidic community they’re talking about is satmar, which is located in brooklyn and has many of the “rules” (for a lack of a better english word i know) that are presented in the series. they didn’t state the name in the series because they would sue their asses, but keep in mind that we’re talking about one of the most strict hasidic communities there are in the world. i am not as familiar with the subject as i would like to be, but i know names of a few hasidic communities and approximately how strict they are (though it’s complicated). satmar are known for leading a pretty strict way of life. when i told my mom i’m watching a show about a girl running away from satmar, she said “yeah, well, with them, the only way out is running of suicide”. (keep in mind that my mom really doesn’t like religion). so, generally - we’re talking about a very strict community that is known for being so strict.

now, to the series - i don’t think  they’re showing the community esty runs from to be a cult. i think that when we see esty “following the rules” she’s happy even after she runs she still loves her community. when things are not getting complicated for her - and even when they only start to - esty is still happy. she’s married and she has her family and she’s doing the things she loves. she realises she doesn’t belong there when she understands she has to give up the things she loves to do things she doesn’t love because “that’s the way it is”. when she gives up her piano lessons to go to this woman who tries to teach her how to have sex, when she forces herself to have sex even though she doesn’t want to, when she realises she has to live with yanky for the rest of her life even though she wants to go back to her grandmother’s house for a bit. this is where things start to get complicated for her - when she has to do the things she doesn’t want to do.

that’s when she decides to run. that’s when she thinks she can’t do this anymore, becuase she doesn’t like the idea of doing things simply because she must. now, here’s the time to stop and get back to reality again. i believe some of the criticism is about the fact that the series shows esty “having” to do things she doesn’t want to do to make hasidic communities look bad and sexist. i do not know personally someone who came from a hasidic communities (and frankly, i’m too lazy to google it) but i do know religious and haredi jewish people, and i’ll tell you this - from my personal experience and from many different people’s personal experiences, the more religious you are the more it’s okay for you to be sexist. this is a huge generalization, but i’ll say that orthodox jewish communities have a sexism problem (just like many other communities, yeah? i’m just saying that for our own discussion). i can talk a lot about sexism and judaism, but i’ll shorten this huge essay to this - ignoring the ways orthodox jewish communities use the bible and the rules of judaism to justify and amplify their oppression of women is also a problem. we don’t like to talk about it, because then we feel like we portray judaism as bad, but imo not talking about it or trying to soften it is unfair to every woman who gets beaten down by it. so i think showing the community pushing esty to have children and listen to her husband is not only okay but important. that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about other good things that happen in religious communities, but if we decide to talk about orthodox judaism we have to talk about this. imo it was very well done.

anyway, back to the story - so esty decides to leave. and she doesn’t tell anyone about it, because she knows they wouldn’t let her go if she would. how does she know that? she sees how much they despise anyone who decides to leave. this is also something that is important to represent about hasidic communities (and also about any orthodox communities, the more religious they are the importance of representing it grows) - they don’t like it when people leave. sometimes it’s because they’re afraid some things that are secret about their community would get to other people who are not part of it and then the community would lose it secrecy (which can be both good and bad, if you’d ask me). once again i don’t know a lot of stories regarding different hasidic communities (and every one of them is so different so the stories would be different) but i know many stories of people from religious and haredi communities who told their family they don’t want to be religious anymore, and their family had abandoned them. my disclaimer is that there are in fact some stories about those who are still in great touch with their family, and that they visit on holidays and so, but there are many stories about people who end up losing their family because they didn’t want this type of life anymore and the family couldn’t agree to that. (there are also many stories like this about families disowning gay kids in the name of the bible, but that’s for a different show). so anyway - the community wanting esty back even though it’s clear that she doesn’t want to go back to them is not portraying them as a cult. it’s pretty realistic imo.

and hey, she never says that she ran because she hates them and that she wants “to take this cult down” (which is a very important thing in the “escape from the cult” trope). she said she left because “i didn’t fit in there”. she didn’t try to take with her anyone, she didn’t try to “save” anyone from her community. if this show had really taken the road of showing hasidic communities as a cult, esty would’ve tried to take her aunt and grandma with her. she didn’t.

another thing that is important is how the only person from the community who is supposed to be unlikeable all through the series is moishe. now, i have something to say about this. there is a chance it’s by chance, there is a chance it’s just because how this turned out, but moishe - the character we’re supposed to hate - is the only character from the community (who isn’t esty or her mom) which “enjoys” sins. we have him betting (forbidden), and even though i think it’s not forbidden we have him taking yanky to a strip clup with him, which isn’t something i believe the community would look at as happily. moishe, then, is a character that sins both in the religion and in morals. he scares esty and he breaks into her mom’s house, he constantly lies to yanky just because he wants to. looking at all the characters who stayed in the community, the only one the audience is supposed to dislike is moishe. we’re supposed to like yanky, because he just wants to bring esty back; we’re supposed to like the grandmother, because she feels bad that both her daughter and her granddaughter left the community; we’re supposed to like the aunt, because she cares so much about esty and she doesn’t really know what to do.

so, really, after all that, we’ve come to the conclusion that the community esty comes from is shown both positively and negatively. the criticism isn’t there just because the director wanted the viewer to hate everything esty came from - it’s there because it’s important to show the negative sides of strict communities. we’re only supposed to dislike one character - moishe - who is someone we probably should’ve disliked even in another show, at a different time. 

i do want to say something about yael, since she’s the only representation of secular judaism in this show and imo her character is fantastic. as i said on one of my posts - i hate her guts, but i love her character. she’s the representation of the secular judaism, and when we see her from esty’s pov we see just how many things she does are not to many people’s liking. when esty says “my parents lost their whole families in the holocaust” and she replies “so did half of israel” we can understand how for her it’s not as a big deal as it is to esty. she talks about hasidic people the way this series is blamed for showing them - “they’re nuts, the men study the torah every day and the women are baby machines”. if this series truly would’ve wanted to show this pov (which would think esty escaped a cult) we would conclude that yael is right. but she’s not, and it’s something we see a lot in the show.

this is long and this concludes to the point that i don’t think this show uses a trope of “escaping the cult”. it clearly has criticism about the hasidic community, which is pretty justified in my opinion, but it’s not seen as a cult. i would also like to mention that this series is based on a book by a woman who also left the satmar community. i haven’t read it so idk how accurate to her story the series is, but the themes are first and foremost introduced here by someone who actually lived there.

this was long and if you’ve actually read all of this i’m really happy!! i hope this is good enough of an answer. kinda messy and i probably forgot a few things, but my main point stands. i do get however why there are people who don’t like this show, but i personally think it’s very well done, so. yeah. that’s all

[erenthecoordinate]

Eren’s Possible Endgame

For the whole of this arc, Eren’s motivations have been a mystery to much of the fandom.  His words speak of freedom for the people in Paradis, while his actions provoke an all-out war charged by the rest of the world’s advanced forces.  We’ve learned that Zeke’s big intention for getting himself and the Coordinate together was to rewrite Eldian DNA so they may never create future generations, a method to prevent their race from suffering any more harm from the oppressive world they reside.  Eren has been aware of this since his first meeting with Yelena, and counsels with Zeke in Marley to enact this plan.  Eren’s words to Zeke are everything he wants to hear.  Mass genocide of their own race is the only path to freedom.

Or at least, Zeke and his followers seem to think so.  But does Eren, one that had once vocalized the value of freedom is granted to those who are born into the world, that life and living are the only way to be free, that fighting to break those chains that others cast upon them will obtain that goal, really believe in Zeke’s solution?  Is forcibly preventing future generations from carrying on their race’s existence the only way for them to be released from their figurative and literal slavery?

[If you want to skip the grueling hard work I put about an hour into because I’m getting tired of having to repeat this, like, all the time, every chapter, I have an in-summary at the end.]

I think when we visit the core of Eren’s morality, he certainly harbors a great deal of resentment to the situation he was placed in.  He values his freedom, of course, and he’ll fight tooth and nail to obtain that.  But with new knowledge, he’s learned that while what exists beyond the ocean is his enemy, the ones who are truly to blame are those who pass on their fears, their anger, their hate to their children, so that they may continue planting the seeds that keep the cycle of oppression spinning.  It’s an inevitable happening.  There is no way to stop it so long as people are ingrained with this mindset.  Eren understands this, and that people cannot help if the environment they live in affects their ideas of other people.  The world is cruel like that.  He is no exception, of course.

That said, how can Eren commit the act of involving casualties of war, of any demographic, and deprive the choice of others to bring new life in the world, to force Eldians to die off?  And if that’s not the case, what do his actions plan to achieve?

Chapter 118’s typeset recently released and while it’s no official translation, the context of the dialogue isn’t difficult to misinterpret.  The chapter, among previous ones that question Eren’s motives, indicate that much of what Eren is doing is being forced upon him.  Why else would Eren even agree to enact the Rumbling and genocide their own race?  Armin, finally, persuades the 104th that the Eren they know wouldn’t do this.  The decision was not Eren’s to make.  Essentially, since many have presumably been consuming Zeke’s spinal fluid, it isn’t hard to imagine that there was an ultimatum here.  I’ve mentioned this previously that this might be the case that explains why Eren so easily cooperated with Zeke and dragged his friends into a surprise-attack battle.  I think Armin’s suppressed laugh in ch116 is his reaction to the concept, that there is no way Eren would actually agree to this.

Eren is, however, adamant about initiating contact with Zeke to do-- something.  I think a lot of what was mentioned in terms of the Rumbling, the manipulation of DNA, the war of the worlds, Paths, etc. will come into play in the final climax, and I believe Eren’s intentions are to commit the small scale devastation with the payoff being a temporary “world peace.”  Yeah, peace.  Not just restricted to Eldians, this will involve everyone.

Basically, my theory is that the Rumbling is going to happen.  Throughout the story, much of what Armin speculates using his logic, not personal feelings, tends to be right.  He guesses that Eren will use the Coordinate to effectively destroy the world’s military forces that will arrive at their doorstep, using the wall titans in Shingangina to pose a warning and protect the island from attacks until they are able to fend for themselves.  Only Eren can call upon any orders, be it awakening the Wall Titans, sterilizing the population, or both.

There is a fear that Eren is rage-filled enough to wipe out the entire world if he willed it.  He says so himself that he is capable of destroying everyone.  But Armin recalling Eren’s words when he first sees the ocean, that if they kill their enemies, they may be free, emphasizes the keyword enemies.  He brings it up before he transforms in Liberio.  However, in his conversation with Reiner prior, he admits that he thought everyone on the other side of the ocean were his enemies, then realized when living among them and experiencing their environment, that they were the same as anyone else.  

Anyone can look like a bad guy.  Anyone can look like a hero.  There is empathy for those he once saw as “the enemy.”  But it’s clear that “the enemy” is not the world, but those that oppress people’s freedoms.  He has had this philosophy since he was young, but ending the world isn’t a viable option like killing the kidnappers were in his eyes-- in fact, despite the intentions, it’s often brought up as an alarming act by a child.  But unlike before, those views aren’t so black and white, and he has grown beyond vengeance but rather sees the violence as an act of duty and necessity.  He has to destroy his enemies because, sadly, diplomacy can’t bring their guns down if they still have guns in their hands in the first place.

So, the Rumbling will happen.  They anticipated the world’s mightiest to arrive for their assault, and if they choose to attack even when the Wall Titans are mobile and near indestructible, then that’s their choice to risk their lives.  And it’s more than likely that all forces will join together to stop a common enemy (this doesn’t mean they are forever allies, but I’ll get to that in a sec).  They had already been motivated by Willy Tybur’s speech.  That was the cog needed to rotate this in action.  Had the world refused and not cheered for Willy upon his declaration, perhaps there would be no need to get the whole world involved.  Or else Eren wouldn’t have waited for a queue to attack, why bother waiting until Willy officially declared war, finished his speech, prevent other nations from listening before they can agree.  Willy was the ignorant adult to persuade every ambassador there, and the world proved themselves to be easily manipulated children.  So long as a well respected person is to call someone the devil, that person will be the devil to their followers.  Which is why the play, the Attack on Liberio, reclaiming the Warhammer titan was so vital.

But what of after that?  Once this common enemy is destroyed, Paradis will become a land to conquer because of its resources.  Hizuru, even as supposed allies to Paradis, lend their help with the trade of ice burst stones, which is a limitless energy source that can provide extended use of fuel.  Resources are the reason why Marley plans to take the island eventually, because using Titans as their weapons will become obsolete.  Other nations are advancing and the need for shifters and pure titans pose less and less of a threat with each war.  With Marley now crippled, there is no stopping the world from fighting for that territory and those resources, effectively causing them to fight each other (which they have been already).  The cycle of war isn’t stopping and perhaps it will never stop.  Especially if those armies exist.  Simply because they fought against their biggest enemies, it does not mean the world will come together in cooperation- this is brought up in the earlier chapters of the manga.  Eren even says that it is basically ignorant (too optimistic) to believe humanity can be brought together as one even if they fight a common enemy.  This wasn’t the case when Titans were their only antagonists, and it doesn’t apply to the rest of the world.

Eren may not be actively solving every crime imaginable when it comes to wiping nations, and he may not be doing this specifically to reduce the amount of war for an extended period for the world.  He takes the survival of Paradisians as a priority, but dismantling militaries force nations to halt their fighting and to build up from the start.  This gives Paradis more time to build their own defenses, while making fair connections with allies that won’t make them vulnerable if they cannot compromise on certain actions, and puts them at a level playing field whenever the world is ready to fight again.  Which is exactly what Paradis needs.  It is not an infinite “world peace” and it’s not even really “peace” but it is a semicolon to the chaos so that Paradis can catch up with modern technology.  Specifically, without Titans.

That’s where the agreement with Zeke stops.  Eren doesn’t want to sterilize his people, but he does want them free.  And the only way to free Eldians is to get rid of the Titans, as he has always said.  Except this time, he really means the identity of Titans.  If rewriting Eldian DNA can be done to cure sickness, sterilize the population, become titans at all, literally healing shifters and pure titans from any injury, why wouldn’t the DNA be written to severe the ties the physical body has to the invisible Paths that connect Ymir to her people?  True that this will be a big leap of chance on Eren’s part, but it isn’t illogical to come to that conclusion.  The power of Ymir, the Founding Titan specifically, can stretch that influence to Eldians at any proximity.  No matter where Eldians are, they are always bound to the curse, and therefore will always able to become a titan.  The world cannot get over that fear because it’s simply true- Eldians can become cannibalistic monsters.  It’s their fate and genetic makeup that chains them to that identity, and they have no choice in the matter.  Even as Pure Titans, they are victims to only their subconscious, their intellect and morality suspended, not even aware of what they are doing.  Shifters are pre-determined to die in 13 years despite their near indestructible and powerful bodies.  Titans brought upon suffering in the world and caused a race of people, some who had no idea that they could become monsters in the first place, to be ostracized, enslaved, feared, despised, abused, and murdered for the misunderstanding that they are pre-determined to be evil people.  Because, to the world, monsters are evil, even if in reality that is not always the case.

So if the existence of physical monsters are no longer present, and the world learns of this, Paradis is able to prove this and properly have the time to establish peace among nations, then the fear is at least partially diminished.  Oppression will always be a thing, but the important thing is that the possibility of being a Titan will no longer be there and eventually that aspect from others’ minds will very, very gradually die as generations are less likely to hear this from their parents, or at least less inclined to believe it if there are clearly no more Titans around at all.  Even the Walls may be broken.  Even those in the frontlines in this current battle who may turn into Titans because of Zeke’s inevitable scream will revert back and no longer have to worry about it happening again.  The ability to be a “monster” in personality will lie solely on choice, and not because it is predestined upon birth.

Breaking the Paths will likely also prevent an Ackerbond from being created.  While Ackermans aren’t affected by memory manipulation and possibly not even DNA alterations, they are still descendants of Ymir by biology and their bonds are remnants of Paths taking effect.  Ackermans perhaps have more free choice than Eldians themselves to create their bonds at all or perhaps break them, but as the bonds exist, they have a bias to follow their “lord” (or “master” as Eren means) and said lord’s motivations.  It isn’t to say Ackermans cannot have their own dreams, but they are still inflicted with the Paths that can possibly affect some judgement.  Breaking the Paths themselves will prevent that connection if you think about it logically.

Of course, this doesn’t quite align with Eren’s words to Mikasa.  I think Armin’s important role in ch118 (and really his reason for existing in the story) is to remind everyone that Eren’s actions have a greater meaning, and had he not brought up potential lies that Eren made about the Ackerbond to Mikasa, it would have been more questionable that he’d lie at all than it is now.  It’s possible that those words were to break Mikasa free on her own without simply severing the Paths.  It’s also relatively fool-proof, as severing Paths would only be a theory in Eren’s mind, and not an absolute.

And finally it comes down to the pregnancy.  Historia at this point already accepted shouldering the burden of carry children to pass down the Beast Titan, and the government was willing to see this through as cooperation with Hizuru to do this.  Initially, Eren was opposed to this, but of course Yelena (or Eren) as part of the ultimatum with Zeke told Historia that her early pregnancy was to ensure Zeke’s safety for an appropriate amount of time to act.  However, I also believe it could have been used as a backup plan in case breaking Paths did not succeed, or that he had no actual choice but to enact mass sterilization (which would probably only happen on terms of a massive threat).  I’m not saying this was Eren’s initial intention, and that he very much is still against Historia’s forced circumstances, but if it was all going to happen for the sake of Zeke anyway, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to assume that once that plan is carried out, Historia’s unborn child will be unaffected by this DNA change.  

Allegedly, when a shifter dies naturally, Paths dictate that the next born, not conceived, Eldian baby will receive power.  This implies that Paths and therefore the Founding’s actions do not affect unborn children.  In this case, the race will not die off, as it can be carried on by another.  Even if this weren’t true, Historia herself would have to remain fertile (as well as someone else) to continue producing children until Eldians on Paradis are able to either A) stabilize their forces that make them formidable against large armies or B) Eldians gradually die off without war consuming them all.

While it’s not quite clear why Eren has not told anyone this, I think it’s basically what Armin expect as him being pushed to a corner and unable to tell them to truth.  They were involved in war to show that the weakness he has toward his friends’ survival, which that he made very clear that he cares deeply about (and why would he have ANY reason to lie), would not interfere with Zeke’s plan.  He trusted them to be able to survive, yet Sasha’s death proved that he couldn’t even do that-- he had almost no choice but to push them away and locked them up.  He kept them at a distance so Zeke, Yelena, and the Marleyan allies are not suspicious.  Ultimately keeping them in one place yet near enough lets him keep an eye on them so that they are still safe.  Would they have understood?  Maybe.  But it doesn’t mean they would agree to a massive world war to destroy armies.  There are a lot of risks involved and it won’t solve everything, but to Eren this would be the best method to defend against oppressors while removing the chains.  He can’t have his facade broken like he broke down when Sasha was killed.  He can’t afford that to interfere.  And he, everyone, can’t afford to sit down and do absolutely nothing, as they have been doing before Eren, by Hange’s admittance, decided to be the one to act.

The theme of the story is to break free from the walls holding you back.  It’s an experience Isayama has lived as a kid, that as he grew he envisioned to experience the world beyond his town.  Armin and Eren are very literal when they are young, and Armin still speaks of freedom as a physical obtainment and knowledge, something global, but Eren projects his version of freedom to apply to the will of others in a general sense, more self-focused.  That one cannot truly be free if they are bound by threads of fate, that truly free choices cannot be made if there is both an actual and metaphysical boundary preventing them from reaching whatever dreams they desire.  Eren himself wants to be free, but that also means freeing his people.  Ironically, he binds himself to the responsibility.  He even emphasizes with Reiner’s confession that he wanted to be a hero and that’s why he committed to breaking the walls; Eren doesn’t necessarily want to be respected or seen as a hero, but he chooses to take on that responsibility to be that symbol, even if there are many that see him as a monster to do it.  Because even if Reiner had the best intentions, he was still hated.  Eren will be the same way and he accepts this.  

But he must not become one to destroy all, but one to grant choices that will advance their existence forward.  That’s literally what this manga is titled.  That’s exactly the titan he harnesses.  Choice is a word that has been nearly every character’s vocabulary at some point.  Which is what the entirety of this series is based on and has been consistently presented by other characters, Levi, Erwin, Armin, Mikasa, Jean, etc.  Eren severing the bounds and eliminating the threatening oppressors grant choice to his people, and to Eren, willpower and choice are what bring a person freedom.

In summary:

Eren will enact the Rumbling to fend off and effectively destroy international armies.  This will put the world at a level playing field in terms of military buildup so that Paradis is able to make its connections and advance aka “obtaining more time.”  Eren will not follow Zeke’s sterilization plan.  He will severe Paths and effectively end “all Titans” (not Eldians) so that his people can be free.  This may include Ackermans.  Historia’s unborn child will not be affected by the sterilization so long as it remains unborn for the duration of the plan IF Eren is forced.

Thematically, it makes sense for the story’s direction.  It makes sense for Eren’s direction.  All the story’s morals about choices, free will, influence, war-- everything comes to relevancy here and all has a reason to be lesson exposed to Eren, specifically.

Eren’s character moral is to not become like the opposition, which is revealed to be Zeke and his ideology.  He must fight against that.  It has always been about fighting and breaking free.  It’s completely ridiculous to believe otherwise.  It is completely ridiculous to believe Eren would throw away his personal connections and beliefs in favor of listening to the people who slaughtered his comrades, who advocated for a continuous cycle that would ensure their containment, who think death is the only freedom, who will continue killing innocent people.  His philosophy and love for his friends, both that he lives by to the fullest extent since the very beginning, contradict all of that.

I’m not sure if my theory will be completely correct, but as far as events are going in the manga, as well as the development of Eren as a character and the story’s symbol, to Advance, I think a lot of these outcomes are likely.

[moved-to-juxification]

You can’t escape from your womanhood by using he/they pronouns. People outside Tumblr won’t give a shit, everyone that sees you knows that you have a cunt. Just make peace with the fact that you were born to be oppressed and stop your “DID” bullshit. There’s no such thing as DID. You can either stop your shit or kill yourself. You’re probably gonna kill yourself in the end, though, because you’re too much of a lazy fuck to change. Go take a shower, nasty bitch

aight lemme break this down

firstly: trans rights motherfucker. never had a "womanhood". and like?? we're not trans to escape oppression lmao that's so dumb

secondly: literally everyone irl refers to us with they or he pronouns (and we barely talk to ppl on tumblr tbh) so idk what ur trying to get at

thirdly: the host spent most of their life ignoring their system and it got them nowhere? "I think this widely recognised mental disorder is fake so im gonna bully someone who went thru childhood trauma" aight mate

fourthly: we're now just gonna live to spite you so thanks. we've actually been doing a lot of growing recently so "too much of a lazy dick to change" suck my dick im in recovery babey

lastly: thanks for reminding me to shower; actually had one yesterday but I might have another in a sec to wash off the stank ass vibes from this ask xx

[autismgavemychildvaccines]

Why I’m Ashamed to Be Christian

So, now that I am literally sick of the Measles nonsense (no, fucking literally, working 12+ hour shifts on an incident management team has got me sick and tired enough to call in tomorrow), I’ve decided to do a non PH rant, though it’ll for sure rear it’s fucking head somewhere in here. Instead, let’s tackle something real fun. Religion! Time to buckle up.  In my half fucking awake daze that I was just nudged out of, something really wild hit me. My faith, my belief in a very specific God with a specific book (though I admit that other religions, so long as their origin is not a company or a tool to oppress others on the outset, are valid/likely just as true) makes no God damned sense.  (For reference, here I will claim my most closely related sect as my own; American Evangelism [though if one were to ask in person I’d say “non-denominational”, but historically, the two are close] and will be speaking as a part of a community I used to closely belong to but now have drifted away from on some granola-crunching dumbassery that is “I am a church of one” bullshit. I’ve wanted to be other things, but ever since I left the Freemasons, fuck all else has had much appeal.) So, first things first, Garden of Eden, right? Pretty fucking cool place, some might have even called it a perfect garden, a perfect place for humans and God to interact? But here’s my hang up with it. The trees of Life and Knowledge, and the rule that Adam and Eve could eat of any fruit except those grown upon that pair. Why even fucking have them?

 When I asked that as a kid in a faith based area, they said because it was a test.

 Of what?

 “Well, of our loyalty to God and our Faith, of course”. 

Except again, what the fuck? Like, I get the idea of free-will, in fact I am a huge believer in individual free will (I’ll get to that in a sec), but here’s the stickler here. As any other creative type will tell you, we want our work to take on a life of its own. Like say I wanted to program a remarkably bright AI, and it worked, and all I wanted was for it to recognize me as its creator and to discover and enjoy what home I could make for it. You know what I wouldn’t do? I wouldn’t give an AI, even with some simulated free will, the ability to break certain rules. For example, I wouldn’t allow it unrestricted access to the internet or my personal accounts. I wouldn’t even give it the concept that such things existed, let alone put it right fucking there to be used. That would be a flaw, an imperfection in an otherwise perfect place. And yeah, there’s something to be said for giving free will with not-free consequences, sure. But two things: 1) Don’t be pissed when the thing happens that you allowed to exist in the first place and thus forced it to be a mathematical certainty now that you’re dealing with perhaps the most curious species to ever exist.  2) Don’t go blaming them for a lack of faith. If anything, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, an act that abusers often use to get what they really want and have a thin veneer of an excuse to make happen. Now doesn’t that sound a lot like a good number of the followers of this faith, as opposed to an almighty, omnipotent, powerful being? Hmm, something to consider there, maybe.  Speaking of followers, let’s actually also take a look at some of the prophets that we as American Christians often hold so dear. Now me? I’m a Luke guy, I like Luke. Peaceful, loving gospel for the most part, and I dig it. Peace and love, baby, that’s all I want coming from stories regarding a higher power that we had to hang up like a fucking tapestry to make sure we got all that love. But do you know who I fucking hate, and who I blame the most for how the American chruch is? Paul/Saul of Tarsus. Thiiiiiiiiiiis prick. This fucking Deus Vult Vulture. Actually in many ways, he really is the archetype to the Modern Evangelical fucking anything. Actively participated in the harassing, attempted extinguishing and successful terrorizing of a marginalized group. Then after being hit back for it, literally “seeing the light” and trying to be the fucking vanguard of said group only to lead it down a path where he’s suddenly the appointed expert of anything to do with the issue. And while he does this, he helps create the most violent and bigoted thoughts in the whole of the religion, and is praised for his visions as he says they are truly from God, and can thus act oh so righteously. This right here is a fucking problem, y’all. Like, I know the whole forgiveness idea allows for some mental gymnastics on how this could even happen, but even then to make a genocidal ass-face your de-facto leader aside from Christ himself for the next 2000 years is a fucking flip that even at the 1988 Olympics, if Christians were America, Russia would give them a straight 10/10.    And yet, for many of us, that’s exactly what we’ve done. Hell, we’ve even fallen into the forced victim narrative of the synopsis of this asshole:  “Oh well, you see, I was a heathen and thus I couldn’t help myself, but then like, the God of the people I was killing talked to me and like, now I have to do this (Take on the “burden” of leading the church) as penance for what I couldn’t help myself over.” We’ve fallen for it so much, that it may as well be hard wired into our nervous system to believe anything resembling it, just as we assume if something is flat, green and on a tree, it’s a leaf.  Maybe it’s why we as a religion (and let’s face it, other Abrahamic religions as well) are so damn good at beating down the marginalized while screaming that we are the saints, we’re the sacrificiers trying to make things better. Like, let’s have some modern day fun with this bullshit, man; let’s see how we treated and in many places continue to treat women.  Of the few churches I have been to, 100% of them had one dual-sided message that made me real fuckin’ uncomfortable, fam:  Part 1) That women cannot be trusted onto themselves and thus 2) Men must take control of them and society to not allow for some unspecified “Ridiculous bullshit”.  (as a fair heads up; I do fully recognize non-binary, trans individuals, etc, but for the sake of brevity I’ll be mostly referring to M/F in the traditional sort of way, because opening up Christianity’s treatment of anything regarding gender fluidity is a Ph.D. thesis for another day)  Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I know damn well that out of all the dudes I know, and all the lasses I know, they’re a pretty mixed fuckin’ bunch. It’s almost like their gender assigned at birth doesn’t really affect how reasonable they could be as people nor how much responsibility they should have. Obviously some cultural practices skew this quite a bit in so far that women are expected to take more responsibility, younger, and for less praise, but if anything that should help destroy, not reinforce that message.  And yet, the idea persists so much in Christian circles. And not just by the men themselves, but the women, also. For the longest time of my church going days, the pastor was a woman. She wholly believed it was just and right that her husband be in charge of everything, that women should be loyal to their men in all aspects. Then again, she also (despite recruiting members primarily from college) did not believe in evolution at all, so there’s that in terms of an intellectual hurdle. But regardless, this inherent submissive attitude within the faith (and even the half-hearted and self-congratulatory “Yeah but we REALLY are the ones making the decisions because we can withhold sex if we want” is essentially that too just a smidgen more empowering), when combined with the idea that men should be wholly in-control (which is a breeding ground for toxic masculinity if there ever was) is shameful. It’s what has allowed so much bullshit in the past, including these recent abortion laws. Now, I’m going to cover abortion in another post (I might get to it tomorrow; It’s been on the burner for weeks), but it’s super pertinent here.  We, as a religion, have allowed ourselves to tell women (just as we tell/told minorities before) that they cannot be trusted with their own bodies, that they cannot be trusted when they speak, and most certainly cannot be trusted to truly hold dominion over anything. And that has allowed the most insidious, hateful, bigoted, disgusting things to happen in the name of God. A God that while I am writing this post I still believe in, but my doubts about how genuine the message has ever been is hitting home. One whose words about peace have been ignored when they could be interpreted or pointed to to support war, where the rich can profit off the poor, or to support sexism, because we as men historically have wanted to control “everything of ours”, or to take the very free will we claim to hold so dear from those who need the ability to make their own decisions the most. Words that have been used to hold down good people from making lives better. Words that in the hands of those who wanted, could be profaned and desecrated and thus allow for profane and disturbing events, both on the grand stage of the world and behind the closed doors of any house in some small town. Words which are held up with a wink and a nod so that followers feel included when they are scammed by some fucking fried chicken joint who wants to make more money to fight against equality, or to pay for another $9 million jet for some asshole who croons about how the poor should be grateful they do not have the temptations of the rich.  To other followers, do you not lament that we are this way? That we have been this way for so long? Because I fucking do.  And to those who have been discriminated or marginalized or whatever else against because of your gender or skin colour or situation or victimization or  past deeds of any sort; I’m sorry. Genuinely, truly sorry you have suffered as you have. Sorry for what people have done thinking it was somehow morally or spiritually justified, sorry that they thought they were saving you. And I can assure you that I will never try to lead you as those before me have tried to. Though if it’s all the same, I’d like to get to hear you, and walk beside you. 

[psyonia]

Speaking of Natsume being annoyed by Russian stereotypes: She is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED. While Russians are by no means oppressed, she still finds these tropes to be lazy and bad writing and has not consumed 90% of Western Cold War media (or any Western media with a Russian in it) because she is tired of seeing the same damn thing over, and over, and over, and over. Russian spy femme fatales. Giant 6′9″ buff men named Ivan who only know alcoholism, anger and violence. Everybody wearing ushankas while riding bears shirtless in the Siberian winter. At this point she considers stock Russian villains to be as overdone and as badly done as stock Nazi villains, and anything with a Russian spy in it she will not watch unless it’s personally vetted by any relative of hers that isn’t her grandfather (the reason for this we’ll get to in a sec). Yes, she’s a spy herself, but oftentimes the writers know as little about spying as they do about Russia.

Particularly, she’s annoyed by an in-universe trope of the “evil Soviet Psychic.” Psychics are often featured in media as the most powerful spies of the Soviet regime, which--let’s be real, if fantasy psychic powers existed in the real world, this is what would have happened. But as stated in the family history, Psychic children were taken from their parents at BIRTH in order to serve the regime. The last child was stolen in fucking 1991, just before the Soviet Union fell. And Natsume doesn’t think that the horror of this has been covered enough. Not one single piece of Western media has ever depicted these children as victims, only focusing on how they were warped to do horrible things for Edge Points. And, fuck, even Russian media tends to demonize these Psychics a lot (I have a general headcanon that European and American views of Psychics are both not great), ignoring the fact that many of them were actively resisting and trying to escape. The fact that Psychic spies are so often featured in this way is what underlies a lot of her frustration.

Nikita, on the other hand, isn’t bothered by Russian stereotypes in Western media at all. In fact, he finds them hilarious. He’s watched every single shitty Russian spy movie and most likely played a drinking game with it, and he honestly just can’t stop laughing. Natsume doesn’t understand this because for her, there’s no such thing as So Bad It’s Good, so she fails to see why anyone would find humor in something that is poorly executed. But Nikita, on the other hand, sees these stereotypes as just harmless fun…even though Natsume might point out that the fun is being had at his expense. To him, however, what’s important is not accuracy but whether the story creates a narrative that fulfills its objective. And hey, whether or not the narrative does fulfill that objective, it’s still a win win. If the objective is just to have a hammy movie with wild adventures and cheap thrills, then he doesn’t mind if Russian stereotypes are used to achieve it. Buuuuut if the intent is to create a serious narrative yet these stereotypes are employed, he can still laugh at how badly the writer failed to achieve their objective as well.

Curiously, in spite of having been taken himself by the Soviets’ program, he doesn’t find the evil Soviet Psychic trope to be entirely offensive. This is due to his complicated relationship with other people who were taken; while he himself has escaped the brainwashing, he struggles to find community with other Psychics in Russia because of just how many of them are still brainwashed by the regime. For him, “evil Soviet Psychics” are very much a reflection of actual reality, because of everything he witnessed--and, well, some of the things he did too. And while it is concerning to him that this trope deflects attention from the horror that was wreaked upon Eastern European Psychic communities, he strongly believes that victim narratives about these Psychics shouldn’t be the only ones. 

[theaveragekenyan]

On repeat...

Nairobi City residents will be required to take part in monthly clean-ups of their neighbourhoods. 

Nairobi Metropolitan Services director general Mohammed Badi made the announcement on Saturday as he launched the Ngong River Clean-Up  at Karagita, Mihang’o ward.

“Each and every citizen of Nairobi county is supposed to dedicate one day a month in a clean-up exercise of the area. This is going to come into law and it will be a must,” he said.

Story excerpt, The Daily Star. (Nairobi), 12/10/20. 

Hold on a sec…you go what?

These are just a few questions I have regarding that story.

What date will this start?

Which day of each month will it be?

Where will it take place?

How am I expected to get there?

What time will it start?

What time will it end?

Will I need special clothing, PPE?

Will I be provided with tools and equipment?

Is their insurance cover?

Is there dental?

Do I need to pack a lunch?

I know for a fact, the average Kenyan is not asking these questions, they’ll ignore this story for as long as possible. They may have a surprised, shocked and intensely divisive conversation about the story, something like…

“I can’t believe we’re going to be cleaning Nairobi once a month”

“I know, unbelievable right?”

“Unvelivebale” 

No information will be traded during this conversation because no information has been produced. That example is typical of how much detail is required for Kenyas to make conversation. 

They’ll then wait for the announcement the day before and then make all plans regarding the clean up 30 minutes before it’s about to happen. 

Recently, there was a Public Holiday announcement made. Hooray, excellent news!, all except the announcement came one day before the public holiday was scheduled, that is common practice.

I would love to organise a “tut for our heroes” on the hour, every hour so that people can show their disapproval. That would communicate the utter apathy Kenyan’s display when it comes to communication. 

Communication in Kenya is remarkably poor. The amount of information required to run the country is considerably low. There’s no attention to detail and stuff just happens. It’s not even as structured as the 'Chaos theory’, there is no theory. 

Generally, when speaking, explaining, messaging or communicating in Kenya a golden rule is, never use pro-nouns. Whatever the subject, that is being spoken about, will always have to be referred to in first tense. 

For example a sentence like;

“John went to the shop, on his way there, he became lost”

Just like John in this sentence, the average Kenyan is now lost. 

On his way where?

Who was lost?

Why was something lost?

It will need to be written or spoken like this.

“John went to the shop. On John’s way to the shop John became lost, John could not find the shop John was going to” 

That’s how clear you will have to be if you want to complete the story in one sentence. 

It makes no sense, because the average Kenyan communicates in no more than 5 words to explain everything they need to do for the day. 

Why the syntax hugely alters once translated in English, is nonsensical. 

For the majority of the time Kenyan’s will not understand foreigners and our speech patterns. In Nairobi, I have spoken to Bangladeshi, American, South African, Swiss, Indian, French, Belgian, Spanish, German, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Colombian, Brazilian, Australian, New Zealand, Korean and Mexican nationalities, they could all grasp and communicate the majority of conversation in English better than the average Kenyan. 

Let me be clear, this not about speaking in better English, it’s all down to inexperience of communication here. 

I’d say a great example of the lack of communication, is whilst shopping. 

Even in the majority of the modern shopping mall centres communication is often limited to silence.

9 times out 0, this is exactly how paying for goods at the till pans out. 

ME: ARRIVE AT TILL

Till Assistant: NO GREETING

ME: I’m used to it now SAY NOTHING BACK. 

Till Assistant SCAN ITEMS

ME: PROD WATER CONTAINER REMAINING IN TROLLEY BECAUSE IT’S TOO HEAVY TO PLACE ON COUNTER.

TILL ASSISTANT: NODS, STRUGGLES TO SCAN WATER

NODS AND WAVES HANDS UNTIL WATER IS SCANNED.

ME: EMPTY HEAD. 

TILL ASSISTANT: COMPLETES SCANNING ITEMS.

ASSUMES I KNOW EACH INDIVIDUAL PRICE AND HAVE TOTALLED THE GOODS MYSELF. 

HOLDS OUT HAND FOR PAYMENT.

ME: “How much?”

TILL ASSISTANT: TURNS DIGITAL DISPLAY UNIT AROUND FOR ME TO READ HOW MUCH.

ME: NEGOTIATE REQUIRED PAYMENT PROCESS. HOLD UP MY PHONE DISPLAYING THE STORES REWARD SCHEME APP.

TILL ASSISTANT: “Do you have the app?” 

ME: “Yes”

TILL ASSISTANT: PERFORM REQUIRED STORE APP ACTION,

WAIT FOR REQUIRED PAYMENT METHOD.

ME: HAND OVER PAYMENT.

TILL ASSISTANT: IMPLEMENT PAYMENT PROCESS 

ISSUE RECEIPTS

PREPARE FOR NEXT CUSTOMER

ME: COLLECT SHOPPING GOODS

EXIT STORE 

SAY “TWAT” Quietly, BUT JUST LOUDLY ENOUGH TO DISPLAY DISPLEASURE.

A huge positive under the current lockdown measures is that masks are compulsory, whilst the average Kenyan wears their mask on their chin, the majority of people have adapted to wearing masks really well. This is because their communication has always sounded like it’s coming from underneath a mask, so no change required.

Voice tones and levels are a complex nature that I’ve never been able to understand.

A very common tone I hear on the streets is a high pitched nasally bleat that bypasses the mouth totally. The sound appears to emanate from the mouth and lips and they do move in synch, but this tone is created purely by the upper part of the ENT physiology. 

The tone is mainly spoken by women in a rich and colourful way, it’s piercing, so I can only imagine it was developed to cut through a certain environment, like a bus full of Goats. 

Men also have their version of this tone and I hear this around Buses, Market Places and Sporting action. Again, the sparse tone is used to cut through and rise above the naturally chaotic environment. From seeing Indiana Jones movies, I know this is a traditional African, Middle Eastern, Indian traditional tone as well. 

I prefer this tone of voice because I can actually hear it well. The tone I despise most is the hushed, humble, mumble the average Kenyan adopts when speaking to me, because the nasal whine seems reserved for Kenyan’s only and particularly when doing business. For all other times, if the Kenyan isn’t used to speaking to Westerners in a comfortable tone, the humble mumble is what you’ll have to get used to. 

I’ve been told on many occasions, the Maasai people have incredible hearing abilities because of their history of living on the grassy plains, it’s all about hunting and survival and not being attacked. When you’re in KFC choosing your meal option, there’s no need to speak so quietly, the chickens are not going to run. 

Of course, Kenyan’s can tolerate and operate perfectly well at these low audio voice levels, it’s just me and a whole host of Aliens that can’t.

I’ve meet a ton of under privileged youngsters whilst I’ve been here and none of them have had a “big voice”.

That one needs to be heard in this world is always the first thing I try and teach people here. I explain their voices will be judged and their confidence and abilities depend upon this clear expressive tone. 

It’s amazing to see the children adapt to this new speaking level. It’s first met with a clearing of the throat and then much shy laughter, but the levels do increase  and by the time it’s time to leave, they’re at least not having to repeat themselves as much. 

It’s sad, because I’m sure it’s down to oppression, a false state of respect and doing dodgy deals. 

Big voices, and I’m not talking about coked up John Belushi speech levels here, but simple measured voice tones appear reserved for people in power and people who’ve travelled. For everyone else, it’s either nauseating nasals or the humble mumble. 

The whole concept of communication is new here and it’s funny how so called experts talk about their knowledge.

Whilst travelling in a car together, I remember overhearing one communications “expert” for a large NGO explaining to her colleague how she’d noticed that Coca-Cola billboard ad’s are so easy to spot because they are red. She was very excited to have noticed this and to pass on this knowledge about Cokes communication strategy. I wouldn’t even expect to be taught that on the most basic communication course in the world, for people that have no communicating experience at all, on day 1. 

Another “Communications Expert and Life Coach” once explained to me that there were courses available to foreign workers arriving in Nairobi to help them pronounce their words like Kenyan’s, a chance for foreigners to adopt a Kenyan accent. 

Whilst I agree, it would level the playground in terms of not expecting Kenyan’s to adjust their levels of communication to sound like Kate Winslet, I just don’t think it would work. Everybody has at least three accents in them; the phone, the mate and the chat up. Everybody adapts naturally and adjusts to their surroundings without training. 

I’ll be honest, from experience, I pronounce words in a Kenyan accent all the time. The other day I needed a Paint Scraper, you, know a normal triangular’ish shaped piece of metal with a handle. I looked and looked in the superstore, but I couldn’t find them. So, I now have to ask. I know this is going to be tricky, so I practice saying “scraper” in Kenyan. What would Olivier do? Well, I’m sure he couldn’t have pulled off a better pronunciation than mine.

“Ssssc-dddddd-rappah” extra sibilance on the S, extra hard C , a Gielgud rolled ‘R’ and then basically ‘Rapper’ on the end. I said the word 3 times, but no, this assistant could not get what I was saying. Off she walks to ask her her colleague. I can see shaking of heads as they both walk back to me. 

“Sorry, you are saying what”? The new colleague asks, I repeat in my best Nairobi street accent again. This time I include a gripped hand action, “ahhhhh scraper, out of of stock” . The lady says it exactly as I would have normally have done, enough to make me think I was in Tesco and not Carrefour, Nairobi. 

There is definitely a discussion about adapting accents to new countries, I know how tricky it can be for foreigners in any country adapting, but that’s the fun about it, sadly in these modern times, nobody has a toleration for foreigners accents.

There’s a new initiative in Kenya called ‘BBI’, ‘Building Bridges Initiative’. It is intended the initiative will shape Kenya for the next few generations and deliver a widespread change of democracy to help Kenya develop and prosper in the future. The BBI summary I’ve just written is, currently, more than the average Kenyan knows about the policy and I fear they won’t know much more about it for a for a long time either because nobody is telling them anything correctly, but at least we’ll have cleaner streets once I start my rounds. 

[mushroomqueendom]

I did Nazi see that coming. Well, I did, but it's still disappointing.

So I watched the recent Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, and I have…questions.

Like why do we, smart people that we are, keep falling for such a silly trope as “fight hate with love”?

One, what does that even mean? And two, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

If you’re not familiar with the term “white liberalism” (aka “white liberal racism”), please read up or watch up or better yet both. A hallmark of white liberalism is the profound graciousness it affords to the least gracious among us. It redefines bigotry in terms of unneeded nuance…and then it dares insist that people of color do the same.

I am particularly disappointed with this particular strain of uninformed white-centric liberalism – a liberalism that purports to want to fight racism, but then approaches it in the meekest voice possible.

“Err, um, excuse me, um, sir…Could you please maybe… not…like…advocate….for…like…. GENOCIDE…or something…..if that’s okay….I’m-not-mad-at-you-we’re-still-friends-right?” Not ok.

In the week’s White Liberal Olympics, Sam Bee executes a perfect white liberal triple backflip and sticks the landing. In the segment in question, Sam Bee interviews a “recovering” white supremacist and asks his opinion on how to fight white supremacy.

HOLD UP.

You’re asking former white supremacists how to fight white supremacy? That might almost seem like logic, if 1) there were any such thing as a former white supremacist and 2) there were any consideration at all given to the protection of people of color and the victims/targets of white supremacy. As expected, the former white supremacist advises that Love, not punches, will conquer all. As expected, the former white supremacist, and Sam Bee by extension, exalt the comfort of self-proclaimed racists over the emotional security of people of color. As. Expected. 

Sigh.

So.

Why are so many white liberals this concerned with staying on racists’ good side?

Well, it’s all about who you empathize with. And much as I’ve enjoyed her show in the past, this segment on Sam Bee’s show is another example that for even the most well-meaning of well-meaning-est liberals, empathy with whiteness continues to trump solidarity with blackness. Put another way, it’s assumed the audience will more easily associate themselves (or maybe a brother or sister, aunt or uncle) with the person who makes the racial gaffe than the person who is a victimof it. And so goes the endorsement of empathy for Mr. Literal White Supremacist. I guess respectability politics are for everyone.

Xxxxxxxxx

Continuing through the segment, Sam Bee invites in Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, whose reinforcing banter culminates in the directive to “hug a white supremacist.” Now this, of course and presumably, is said with some jest, but let’s take a step back, shall we?

The situations they’re describing, in which one might be pressed to confront a former-friend/now-bigot, are not easy things to do. These are hard conversations and not ones that we should ever seek to approach without empathy…but as with all things, even empathy has limits. And those limits come waaaaay before you get to literal “hug a white supremacist” territory.

A couple rules of thumb, primarily for those for which white supremacy is a new concept: – If your empathy has extended to the point wherein you are literally hugging a nazi, nope, nope, stop. That’s not helpful, no matter what late night talk show hosts seem to be selling these days. If your empathy has extended to the point wherein you’re advocating for others to hug nazis instead of doing something, oh I don’t know, actually useful, then I think you don’t understand what empathy is.

“Hug a white supremacist.” Literal words. Spoken out loud. By “allies.” Terrible allies, some might say. All I can say is smdh.

But let’s take a deeeeep breath, and just tease all this apart for a sec. Questions. Who was the audience for this message? What does “hug a white supremacist/nazi/bigot” mean in actual practice? How does “hugging” work with people who are advocating for continued oppression and genocide? Is it just like hugging a cactus, or…? Also, how is this different from doing nothing? How is this different from the ‘ignore racism and it’ll go away’ crowd? What does one hope to gain (or maintain) from empathizing with white supremacists? Has anyone on this show ever read Letter from a Birmingham Jail? (Contrary to not-so-popular belief, not a letter penned by an anthropomorphic jail cell.)

And lastly, do the writers of this segment understand why the work of anti-racism is meaningful? I mean, if we can at least agree the loose goals of anti-racist work are to protect the marginalized while breaking the vicious cycle system of white supremacy, doesn’t empathizing so deeply with nazis and white supremacists actually serve another master? Doesn’t that recast oppressor as oppressed? Nazis as someone to be pitied and hugged for the struggle of maintaining their minority beliefs? That’s…a dangerous narrative. That’s advocacy of non-racism over anti-racism, and spoiler alert, non-racism is weak, it’s toothless, and it’s intensely supportive of the status quo.

So this hug-a-white-supremacist junk doesn’t serve our stated goal, that is unless our stated goal conflicts with our unstatedgoals (of virtue signaling and the like, cuz it’s not like this whole american apartheid system is worth losing any friends over, amirite?).

In which case, I see you. And gross.

Real talk. You gotta know that confronting white supremacy in a real and impactful way is gonna hurt feelings and end friendships. At a minimum. It was the wrongheaded belief that one could somehow challenge bigotry while still hanging out with bigots that has led us down this crooked cobblestone path, wherein some white liberals regard Naziism as just a “conflicting viewpoint” instead of a “murderous worldview that led to the literal extermination of millions.”

Once again, Why are you spending so much time/effort/energy nuancing Nazis, y'all? I’m asking. Again.

But where Sam Bee and that hug-a-Nazi segment failed the most disappointingly was on two fronts: 1. Failing to tailor a message for her entire audience.  Which until last week, one might assume includes black people and brown people and all shades of non-white people in addition to the white people she seemed to be talking to. Sam. Hug a white supremacist? Who should hug a white supremacist? Me? I should hug a white supremacist? WHY. WOULD. YOU. ASK. ME. THAT. SAM. BEE.? Inevitable comparisons: Would you ask Jewish people to hug Nazis? Women to hug MRAs? Hillary to hug Trumpf? Ok, I know I’m getting snarky, but the question remains. Imploring your audience, which includes people of color, to hug a white suprema-nazi is asking us to exercise super-human levels of empathy. Why would you ask us to take on even more emotional labor, to suppress righteous rage for the sake of Nazi feels? Or even for the sake of a played out joke?

Sidenote: Asking black people, who’ve literally laid down our lives for the cause of civil rights to abandon our methods and adopt those endorsed by their oppressors is just so so tone-deaf it’s *mwah* peak white liberal.

2. Failing to advocate for actual scalable change. And make no mistake, scalable change is legislative change. This is the one thing I always return to that leads this nonsensical fight-hate-with-love-hug-a-nazi biz to an early and inevitable grave. It’s not a serious proposition. It can’t be. Because it’s not remotely scaleable. Hugging a Nazi, engaging a Nazi, having an hours-long reasoned debate with a Nazi accomplishes less than you’d think. Even if you change one Nazi mind, understand that Nazis are not engaging in recruitment only with one-on-one methods. While you spend the better part of your weekend reasoning out why blacks are not a mongrel race with your good friend Chad (who’s kinda cool, except kinda a Nazi), white supremacists are going for SCALE. Gutting the Voting Rights Act. Gerrymandering like madmen. Arming police with military grade weapons. And legalizing vehicular homicide against peaceful protesters. While many white liberals look back at the 50s and 60s and think that the most powerful thing to come out of the Civil Rights Era was integrated lunch counters and better bus etiquette and non-violent protest, black folk know that what integrated those counters and etiquetted those buses were the legislative victories that made public exercise of prejudice less germane. And as for non-violence, the CR era was puh-lenty violent. Violence and non-violence are both tools, necessary and employed…but that’s a whole ‘nother discussion we’ll get into someday. So. Why was there not a single mention of legislative push in any of last week’s episode? No “call your congressman,” no “ballot measure up,“ no “VOTE”? No, just a “send these guys some money,” and also “don’t punch Nazis” cuz every Nazi is somebody’s ma or pa, right?

Why is racism different? Sam Bee famously rips apart bigots, misogynists, and liars and lays them all bare with a weekly roundup of political absurdity. Why is racism exempt from the typical and powerful entreaties to support legislature? Why is there all the empathy for bigots, but none for their victims?

Maybe the problem is that liberals think punching a Nazi is the only way we want to engage them. It’s not. Punching a Nazi is a merely one of a myriad of approaches, tools in the toolbox, as one might say. Punching a Nazi is not always the best approach, it’s true, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an approach.

But I digress, because the fact that so many liberals are spending so much time equivocating about the morality of punching Nazis instead of the morality of Naziism gets to the root of the problem: that maybe we don’t think white supremacy/Naziism/racism is all that bad. They’re not big enough evils. Certainly not as bad as punching someone in the jaw — the very act of doing so makes one as bad as a Nazi, I hear. Or maybe it’s because there’s a lax understanding of the violence of words. Words can be violence. And the use of violence to prevent violence does not “make you as bad as them.” If it did, we wouldn’t have laws or enforcement.

My dad used to offer this counsel back in the day, when I was coming of age, just starting to see the world as how it really is. I’ll take some liberty for sake of making a point, but he’d say something like, “Don’t argue with assholes. It empowers them.” True then. True now. Today’s liberal seems content on battling violent rhetoric with only academic bravado. However. Proving you’re “intellectually superior” to a Nazi does nothingto stop said Nazi from causing harm. In fact, the very act of you exerting your awesome brain against his far-less-learned one puts harm into the immediate universe. It actively protects exactly no one. You don’t fight Nazis by proving you’re smarter than them. You don’t fight hate with love. You fight Nazis by FIGHTING NAZIS. You fight hate by PASSING LEGISLATION. You fight hate by CRUSHING THEIR FACIST POLITICAL AGENDA and making bigots and monsters afraid to advocate for death and oppression. You fight. FIGHT is the operative word here. You fight.

So Sam Bee, and white liberal, pleeeease confront the empathy elephant in the room. Please don’t spend or loan any more emotional currency belonging to people of color you purport to protect. Stop being terrible allies. Stop defending Nazi jaws. And also go read Letter from a Birmingham Jail. Go ahead. You need it. We will wait.

MQ

[itbeajen]

Omorfos Kosmo | HQ!! x Reader | Game!AU

Chapter 11 - Disbelief and Fools, but Mostly Fools

"No way," the blonde has finally stopped jumping about and was finally listening. Almost immediately the bowman sighed, "Yuuji, I told you already it's from [L/N]."

ID: Pierce Main: Elemental Mage Level: 71 Guild: Simplicity Fun Fact: Despite being captain of the volleyball team in real life, he's only the figurehead of the guild. The true leader is actually Hana.

"But Misaki-chan," Terushima leaned back on the couch in their guild hall, "There's no way she'd contact me. She thinks I'm annoying." He pauses and Misaki can't help but slightly agree with your opinion on that. Sometimes Terushima was a bit too much, but the cocky smirk on his face makes her want to roll her eyes, and he continued, "But maybe she's just playing hard to get-"

"Stop that," Misaki sighed, "Don't talk about her like that, she's a reknown mercenary you know?"

ID: Flower Main: Bandit Level: 68 Guild: Simplicity Fun Fact: Although she's not guild leader, she has a good handle on the Johzenji boys. Despite the mess they make, she's always there to help them clean it up.

"Is it really though? From her I mean." Terushima waved the letter in his hand, and he pouted, "If this thing explodes on me-"

"Do you really think I'd do that to you?"

"Well, no, but," Terushima smiled, "A man can't help but be cautious!"

"You're such a handful sometimes," she shook her head and the next thing she knew it, Terushima was already finished with the letter, his fingers flying across the screen visible only to him as he pulled himself together to message or contact someone. Misaki looked at him slightly confused and he sends her a bright smile, "Don't worry! I got this! I'm Johzenji's captain after all!"

"So, what do you want to do, Daishou?"

"Well, if it's coming from [L/N] like this note says it is, I can't ignore it. Despite this being a game, she has quite a reputation, that sly woman," Daishou responded with a sly grin.

ID: Akuyo Main: Dark Mage Level: 66 Guild: Serpentine Fun Fact: Daishou's guild has been focused solely on raids, and his cares for anything outside of that is almost nonexistent.

"So we'll be attending then?" Hiroo asked.

ID: Attun Main: Dark Sniper Level: 68 Guild: Serpentine Fun Fact: Him and Daishou are always the "last line of defense," the two of them have ridiculous long range artillery; especially since Daishou's dark magic can actually boost up Hiroo's damage.

"Yup, gotta see what has [L/N] so riled up that she's sending these out to all the guild leaders," Daishou snickered, "Plus it'd be cute to see her all pissed off again."

"Mika-san won't be happy to hear this," Hiroo casually mentioned and Daishou froze before snapping, "Mika's still number one! Always!"

"Sure."

"You're stupid," Kenma admonished you immediately after the meeting. You flinched and he sighed, "Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you're getting yourself into?" "I think I'll be fine though," you meekly responded. Whatever fight and flame you had ignited earlier was doused so quickly, if Kenma hadn't known you for as long as he did, he'd think you were having mood swings like Bokuto. But although this was similar, it was more of your innate personality/nature rather than mood swings. He sighs, his gaze narrowing on you before he sighs again. "Kenma," your voice was soft and he waited for your question, but it never came. Instead you shook your head with a soft smile, and simply apologized for causing him to worry or freak out. You had excused yourself and Kenma sighed before turning around, only to see Kuroo with Bokuto and Akaashi. "What." "Are you sure you don't like her?" Kuroo teased, and the look of pure disgust and anger that flickered across Kenma's face was more than an answer for them. But Kuroo's teasing lilt disappears and he asked, "So, as someone who's close to [L/N], I'm sure you want to be a part of the alliance right?" "You guys don't?" Kenma asked, not surprised at all. He had known that there were going to be difficulties, not everyone would accept it, the idea of an alliance that is. On paper, an alliance was an amazing idea. Not only does it allow various different guilds of various trades and specifics to unite under one name, but it could also bring order and a just system to the currently lawless lands of Omorfos Kosmo. Although the Terra's were civil and polite, not all players were. As seen within the first night of the update, there were some that had attempted to use the confusion and chaos to exploit others. Kenma frowns at the memory of it. He still remembers the accounts that Kiyoko had told them about; of those unfortunate enough to have fallen victim. But even with an alliance, what was the likelihood that people would actually follow the alliance? Would it be out of oppression simply because all the big name guilds and powerhouses were being gathered together? Or would people willingly listen? [L/N] is already worried about simply being accepted into the alliance, but would they all agree to her ideals? She's aiming for a lot and- "It's not like I don't," Kuroo admitted with a sheepish look on his face. He sighed, "But I just... I do understand what she wants to do, but Kenma." Kenma was patient, his warm gaze never faltering from Kuroo, but unknown to Kenma, in his eyes held defiance and stubbornness. There was an undeniable loyalty that Kenma had for you, and if Kenma had perhaps met you before Kuroo, the captain was certain that Kenma would stand by your side. "What is it Kuroo?" "I just don't know if all the guilds can see eye-to-eye," Kuroo sighed, "I know this isn't my place to be worried, but I am. Sure, with Bokuto and Akaashi here to boost our reputation in game, it makes it a bit easier for us to, but-" "Kuroo," Kenma cut him off, and the pudding haired priest continued, "Things will be fine." Kuroo's lips tilted into a frown, and he heaved an exasperated sigh and he muttered, "But if things-" "[L/N] won't let anyone else take the blame, if that's what you're worried about," Kenma reassured him as the pudding haired boy stared off towards where you walked away. He glanced back at Kuroo, "After all, she'd rather bear it all herself than ask others to shoulder it with her." Kuroo sighed, "I guess you're right, but I'm also worried about her... she's so-" "Kenma," Tendou peeked his head into the hallway. The red head clearly knows he interrupted something important with the look of irritation on the cats and owls, but he dismisses it. A lazy grin was on his face, "Can I talk to you about something for a sec or two?" The assassin glances at the other guild members of Nekoma that all stared him intently, and Tendou's smirk drops, a more serious air taking the place of it, "It's about our dear [L/N], I'm sure you'd be more than willing to talk about this."

"Hello Miss [L/N], how may we help you today?" the Terra kindly asked. You snuck a quick glance at her name tag. Airune. "I was just wondering if I could get more information about the alliance and guild systems..." your voice trailed off as you saw a certain person you never expected to see again. And when their gaze met yours, you momentarily froze before quickly tearing your gaze away. You shot Airune a soft smile, "Sorry about that, I was momentarily distracted." "It's okay!" Airune giggled, her hair was a short bob with the ends curling inwards adorably. She was dressed in the typical black and purple striped blouse with a simple black bow tie and pencil skirt to match the outfit. "Would you like to come into my office for a more private conversation?" "Yes please, that'd be great," you nodded eagerly. You were dressed in casual attire, just a simple black tank top and khaki gym shorts. Despite this game being a fantasy world, modern day clothes did exist outside of the fancy oriental or medieval battle attires. Airune lead you to her office room located near the back of the building and she handed you a brochure. As much as you would have loved to call it simple, you could not. The amount of detail and information that was held in its contents were sure to make your head swim. Whether those thoughts reflected on the expression of your face, Airune lets out a soft laugh and asked, "So, what can I help you with?" "Can I just... ask you a slew of questions?" "Yes, of course," Airune nodded and she asked, "Would you like me to type these out so you can have a physical copy for reference?" "C-Can you? Oh Gods," you sighed in relief, "That'd be so helpful." "Of course!" she nodded as you see her click across her screen, "Now, shall we begin?" "Yes, well you see, I was wondering if..."

"You're insane, if you guys barely made it out alive, what makes you think-" "Because [L/N] is there," Tendou firmly repeats. Both males had their lips drawn in a tight line and Kenma shook his head, "You have too much faith in her." "But you do too," Tendou countered, and upon seeing Kenma's eyes widen even slightly, the red-headed male smirked, "I'm absolutely certain you have the same notion about her as I do." The playful lilt in his voice made Kenma's face wrinkle in irritation. He sighed, "Look Guess, if [L/N] is okay with it, then fine. If not, try somewhere else." Kenma is already walking away, but he spares Tendou one last glance, "If anyone else is willing to do something like that anyways." Tendou sighed as Kenma exited the room, and he felt the silencing spell slowly fade away. Shirabu and Ushijima step in and Shirabu asked, "How did it go?" "Just like I expected," Tendou chuckled, "It's all up to [L/N]-chan then." "Do you think she will though?" Shirabu grumbled, "Even I wouldn't." "Yes, I think she will. It's [L/N] after all."

"So we're meeting up. All of the guild leaders, at the end of this week?" Oikawa asked. You nodded, and quickly added, "Well, the ones that accepted the invitation that is... there were quite a few that haven't yet." Iwaizumi sighed. You shifted awkwardly in their guild's reception office and Oikawa sighed in contemplation, "I know I had said we'd be okay with it, but..." His hazel eyes narrowed at you and he firmly explained, "[L/N], I'm not saying this offend you, but in all honesty, many guilds may take to offense that a single person like you is trying to take charge of the entire alliance. Especially as it would be one singular person having authority over every guild and-" "That's why I don't want to be the actual leader," you blurted out in honesty. Oikawa's steely gaze shifted to one of confusion and he asked, "What do you mean by that [L/N]?" You took in a deep breath, and cleared your throat. Your warm orbs met his and you continued, "I was talking to the Terra's that work in the Guild Hall... an alliance is founded by one person, but leadership is often dispersed between all the guild leaders. "Often times, the founder of the alliance isn't even a guild leader," you paused, and Oikawa tilted his head in confusion, "What do you mean?" "On paper, the founder could be me; but in reality, the person who's the actual face and head of the alliance would be someone like say, you," you saw him about to interrupt and you hastily added, "Please let me explain!" He closes his mouth, a pout evident and you sighed in relief, "As weird as it is for me to say this, I know that many of our players respect me. I currently hold the highest rank as a mercenary, and also as a competitor in the monthly PvP tournaments held. Players know me as someone resourceful and helpful, and I will concede to those attributes, but I'm not sure if that's good enough for me to be a leader. To be a leader, we need someone who has charisma, someone with strength and leadership skills that can not only take in one perspective, but many others. I don't think I have it in me to that. After all, I've never joined a guild before, and the only thing close to even resemble leadership skills are-" "That's bullshit," Iwaizumi interrupted with a slight scoff, your eyes widened in surprise and he said, "Many of us have repeatedly asked you to be the leader of the alliance because we know, personally, of your capabilities. You may not realize it yourself, but [L/N]," the way he says your name so clearly almost made you flinch, but you find yourself unable to pull yourself away from his determined gaze, "You are the only one who has willingly made contact with other people outside of your friend group. You will randomly message strangers, help out newbies, and even provide people with resources when they have no where to turn. Do you really think you aren't fit?" "Well, I-" "Iwa-chan has a point," Oikawa laughed, "You almost charmed me into thinking that I could be the figure head of the alliance, but no, if this alliance is created, it should still be you. If you plan to create the alliance [L/N]-chi, you should be our leader as well. Just because you know the information and resources, does that mean you can just work behind the scenes? Of course not. You may not realize it, but you're perfectly fine in that position of leadership as well." Oikawa casually flicks his hair back and out of his face and continued, "I may not have personally ran a raid with you, nor have I personally been directly under your authority, but I know you have it in you. After all, you always manage to control the rowdy group of mercenaries, I'm sure you will be fine." You were biting your lip in doubt, and Oikawa added, "If it makes you feel any better, you're an inspiration to many players; myself included." "You?!" you squeaked out in surprise and Iwaizumi chuckles at the sight of your astonishment. Your gaze flickers between the two of them and Oikawa nods in affirmation. "Yup," he chirped, "I wasn't going to main my bowman, I made it because our guild needed one, and Iwa-chan and I were both Holy Knights. When I first met you, I had thought you were cool, you made the archer class look so much better than most people had said they were." He paused, a small smile on his face, "But I wasn't planning on choosing it to be my main until I saw a video of one of your raids online." "You mean-" "Yeah," Oikawa softly confirms your thoughts. He notices your shoulders droop slightly, but the soft look of yearning and longing for the past was obvious on your facial features. His eyes close as he leans back in his chair, "I still remember how Iwa-chan and I couldn't stop talking about that raid. It was to the point we were actually showing it to our entire team." "I remember that," Iwaizumi shook his head fondly, "We were pretty obsessed with it... but that was probably what set the stone rolling for the creation of this guild." Your gaze shifted away from them and towards the floor. Iwaizumi gently continued, "You guys were honestly the pioneers of this game. I know you're all separated now, but each and every one of you made a big impact. You guys discovered hidden Easter eggs in the story lines and NPC quests. You plotted out hidden maps and detailed descriptions and analyses of boss AI's and monster spawns. You guys finished raids and your glory was always the first one to be seen on the Stone of Honor that marked the beginning of a raid and the end of a successful raid." You can't tear your eyes away from his once he continues, "I do hope you know that you guys are a great inspiration to everyone.. and even if you're separated and in different guilds or situations, they'll still all be willing to help you." He notices that you were deep in thought again and Oikawa glances out the window and he murmurs, "It's getting late." Iwaizumi nods and Oikawa asks, "Would you like to stay in a guest room, [L/N]-chi? Or-" "I think I'll be fine heading home, thank you King, Iwaizumi," you bowed before making your exit. As soon as you opened the door, another Seijou guild member escorted you back to the entrance. Iwaizumi and Oikawa waited for the door to close and the latter let out a long sigh. "To think even the great [L/N] would have such thoughts plaguing her," Oikawa stretched in his chair. He doesn't know how long he had sat there as he listened to you explain the alliance system in detail and the possibility of him being leader. Iwaizumi stretches as well, finally moving after leaning against the wall for so long and the knight muttered, "She must have been actually considering it." Oikawa nodded and he sighed, "It's barely been 3 days." "Yeah," Iwaizumi glanced at the bulletin board in the room that pinned all the notices and requests from people: Terras and players. His eyes narrowed at the board and he muttered, "Only three days and it's chaos no matter who you hear it from." Oikawa nods, his face solemn, "There are players still going about with their daily routines of the 'normal game play.' Then there are players that have resorted to Player Killing, or PK'ing. Many players have practically given up on the game and their lives and are literally wasting away in the city, not doing anything. But there are a few others that are discovering new things." Iwaizumi nodded, "Right, Karasuno guild... Kiyoko was it? She discovered how to fix the food issue within record time after the update." Oikawa nodded eagerly, "If she didn't. We'd all suffer with tasteless food and..." He trailed off, but both the captain and his ace shuddered. Iwaizumi gruffly mumbled, "No thanks." "But there's that change that Guess mentioned," Oikawa added with a gentle swish of his finger, "He was capable of recreating modern real technology right?" "No, I think that was the Iron Wall guild who figured that out," Iwaizumi corrected, and the knight furrowed his brows, "There's too many changes occurring at once, and there's no order." "Are you implying you want to be a part of the alliance?" "It'd help us fix the chaos in Enarxis," Iwaizumi muttered, and then he shot Oikawa a confident grin, "And come on, didn't you say you were waiting for the day you wanted [L/N] to let you join her ranks?" "IWA-CHAN WHY DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?!" Oikawa flailed around with a pout. Iwaizumi laughs off his best friend's antics and Oikawa calms down, a serene smile on his lips, "Yeah, I did." This alliance... perhaps it'll be a great one.

"[L/N], is that you?" The voice was hesitant as they called you out, and you looked back. And your eyes widened, "I thought you quit the game, Indifference."

ID: Indifference Main: Lancer Level: 68 Guild: Serpentine Fun Fact: Naoyasu only joined because he heard about how fun it was, but once he reached the higher levels and basically finished most of the bosses, he lost interest and stopped playing.

"I thought I did too," he responded. His voice as monotone as ever. He glanced around, "But I woke up here and I haven't bothered to find my guild members."

"Ah, Serpentine right?" you responded. He nodded. You internally blanched,

Gods he's as indifferent and static as ever.

He sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, or you think he did, you can't tell with his emotionless demeanor. "Do you think you can lead me to the guild hall? Everything's changed and I'm just really confused."

"Uh, yeah, sure."

The walk was silent, almost awkward, and he asked, "How long has the game been like this?"

"Eh? Like two days."

"Huh.." Silence fills the walk again, but you don't feel as awkward as you did earlier. Upon reaching the guild hall you said, "Well, I'll see you around."

He nods, and then a very rare smile is seen on his face, "I'll see you around, Captain."

"Don't call me that anymore."

He waves off your snappy retort and you feel your shoulders droop.

Captain... That's something I haven't heard in a while.

From: Guess

Hey-yo. Where is you

To: Guess

Town

Why?

From: Guess

Hueeeeeee

Come to our guild hall.

Pls and ty

To: Guess

But w a e

From: Guess

Bc

i said so

pls fren

To: Guess

If you're going to suddenly be in storyline combat again

I'm going to tear you apart.

Do you hear me Guess?

From: Guess

W a o z e r s

Such violence from a cute tiny thing

Ololol

To: Guess

Please stop.

I'm omw

Map me.

From: Guess

I thought you knew where all the guilds were located?

s m h

disappointment

jk jk don't go emo now

I gotchu fren

To: Guess

Why are you typing like that?

It hurts my eyes

From: Guess

I wanted to bother someone

Cause Wakatoshi never gives me a good reaction

But you do

So it's fun.

Huehue

To: Guess

Lemme in please.

"Yahoo, [L/N]-chan!" Tendou greeted you. Your jaw almost dropped at how fancy the interior of the guild hall was. Karasuno's was impressive, but the Swans were on a league of their own. Tendou smirked, "Like it?"

"Gods, you guys must be rich," you muttered. Tendou laughed, "This probably costs as much as how much you make in 2 months of playing."

"Oh my god."

"Anyways, come, follow me," he laughed as he gently took your hand. Your eyes widened in surprise as you let him drag you through the hallway. The various members of the guild respectfully made way for the red-headed assassin, but their gaze burned into you, and you almost ducked your head until he announced, "Don't make my precious Bard feel unwelcomed! She's my guest, do you hear me?"

They all nodded, and you felt them avert their gaze. Unknowingly you let out a breath of relief and Tendou softly whispered, "You're surprisingly not as strong as people think you are."

"But you already knew that."

"That I did," Tendou laughed, and he glanced back, glad to see you were relaxed now as you let him drag you through the corridor.

"Wakatoshi! We're here!" He opens the office door to the main head quarters. Ushijima looks up, but his eyes widen at the sight of Tendou's hands holding yours and you follow his gaze before mumbling, "Guess, hand."

"You're already holding it," he joked, and immediately your other hand flies to your face as you face palm. Ushijima cracks a small smile at the interaction and his gaze goes to you, "Glad you were able to make it [L/N]."

"Well, I have no reason not to come, I was just wandering around town anyways," you made your way to the chair in front of Ushijima's desk and sat down, "What did you need me for?"

"We would like to request you of your service."

"Eh?"

"Please help us find information on the new story line quest boss, Cithaeron."

[demonsonthemoon]

We Shall Rule - Chapter 1.

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe Pairing: Platonic Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton, background Jessica Drew/Natasha Romanoff Word Count: 3354 Summary: Bucky Barnes is slowly recovering from trauma and trying to start a having a normal life once more. Then he meets Clint, a new variable that intrigues him in a way he can't quite name. This is a story of people learning to know each others and themselves, navigating identity and relationships, overcoming trauma and trust issues. It's a story about life. Note: Written for #AggressivelyArospecWeek 2017 over at @aggressivelyarospec.  Currently a work in progress, so I'll post the first two chapters during the week, and then I'll try to post one chapter a month.

Available on AO3.

As soon as he entered the bar, Bucky asked himself what he was doing there. The place wasn't packed, which was a relief, but there was still a bit of a crowd. The walls were painted in a dark color impossible to recognize under the dim lighting of the room. A couple of couches were standing in one corner, some fairy lights hanging above them. There were two small tables with a few chairs in the same corner. None of this was what bothered Bucky.

The speakers were turned up at full volume and blasting some 00's Britney Spears song. And most people at the bar seemed to be ordering cocktails, either already drunk or desperately trying to get there.

Bucky would happily have joined the last group if he hadn't gotten sober because of his meds. Steve turned towards him as the small group they formed with Natasha and Sam approached the bar. He didn't seem a lot more at ease than Bucky, and smiled apologetically. “I know the music is a bit...”

“Stereotypical?”

Steve huffed out a laugh. “That's one way to put it, yeah.”

“Don't worry about it, I'll be fine.” He forced his face into a relaxed smile, and Steve seemed content enough to leave it at that.

If Bucky survived the night, he was going to make it clear to Natasha that she owed him big time. He knew that her girlfriend was on the committee that was organizing the party, and that she had dragged them here to be good friends and show support, but still. He walked up to the bar and greeted Jessica, who was already handing Nat a beer and Sam a pink cocktail.

“Hey! Bucky, Steve! It's so nice to see you here! Can I get you guys anything?”

“Just a coke, thanks,” Bucky said.

“Same for me,” added Steve.

Jess immediately bent down to retrieve their drinks in a small fridge, and pocketed their change. She excused herself to attend another client, assuring them she would be back in a sec. Sam and Natasha were greeting a few people they already knew, so Bucky turned back to Steve. He tilted his head to indicate Steve's bottle. “You can drink alcohol, you know. I won't mind.”

Steve shrugged. “Maybe later, but I'm not really in the mood for it anyway.”

“Though maybe don't drink as much as these two,” Bucky said, gesturing at two guys who were sloppily grinding into each other, trying to follow the rhythm of the music, although obviously not trying hard. “or I might just have to put the video on YouTube.” Steve punched him in the arm, but hit his prosthesis. He probably hurt himself more than Bucky.

Natasha and Sam turned back towards them just in time for Jess to come back to their group. “Busy night?” Sam asked her, as another bartender maneuvered around her to get to the beer pumps.

Jess shrugged. “Starting to get busier. But my first shift is almost ending, and I won't have anything to do until closing time after that.”

“Well, except for keeping me entertained, of course,” Natasha said. The two women shared a knowing smile at that, before Jess turned around to pour a glass of beer for someone.

The whole group settled into easy conversation, and Bucky slowly learned to tune out the loud music, focusing on his friends' words instead. A few minutes before Jess finished her shifts, they moved to a table that had freed up, tired of being jostled by people trying to get to the bar. Next to their table was the corner with the couches, on which a mismatched group was sitting, all nursing drinks and talking somewhat passionately. Bucky tuned them out too.

He focused on his breathing. The darkness and warmth of the place were unsettling, making his stomach twist slightly. He let the conversation happen around him instead of participating in it. Steve shot him a worried glance at one point, but Bucky just smiled, relaxed. He offered to get his friends' some drinks, and Sam stood up with him to help.

Both of them cringed as one of the people dancing nearly elbowed Sam in the sternum. He was still rolling his eyes when they reached the bar and placed their order. “Someone oughta teach these people how to dance.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow with a smirk. “Are you offering your services?”

Sam eyed him up and down, a considering expression on his face. Bucky opened his arms and twirled.

“Okay Barnes, you're on. Let's take these drinks back home and we'll see what you've got in you.”

Bucky laughed openly. They dropped off the tray of drinks, and he only had the time to take one sip of his coke before Sam pulled him by the elbow and dragged him away, a mischievous smile on his lips. Once on the dancefloor – which consisted of a few square meters without any tables on which people were more trying not to accidentally punch each other than actually dancing – Bucky had to admit that the music at least had enough of a rhythm to be danced to. He also found out it was less tiring to listen to when you didn't have to make the effort of understanding a conversation at the same time.

So Sam pulled him by the hand and started moving his body to the rhythm. The song playing was coming to an end, and he danced in a mostly restrained way throughout. Then a new tune started, something that Bucky could vaguely recognized as salsa-inspired in a way that wasn't very clear through the layers of autotune. Sam grabbed him by both hands, easily sliding his fingers between the clutch of Bucky's prosthesis, and started leading the dance, surprising Bucky as he started to make him twirl under his arms, even though they were pretty much the same height and Bucky was wider than him. Bucky lead for the next dance, and they had fun with it, quickly attracting the gaze of onlookers. Although their choreography was much less suggestive than the grinding of some other couples, they did make a striking pair. Bucky forgot to be self-conscious. It was like they were dancing a private joke and others couldn't help but want in on it.

They stopped after two and a half dance, the warmth of the room getting to them as they started to feel the thirst that had made them get drinks in the first place.

As they made their way back, Bucky caught the gaze of one of the guys sitting in the group next to theirs. The man grinned at him, apparently unashamed that he had been caught staring. Bucky looked away, not sure how he felt about the attention.

Steve of course welcomed them back with a bright smile, and Bucky felt slightly embarrassed about it as he sat down next to his friend. He felt like his mama had just pinched his cheek to tell him how proud of him he was. And sure, Bucky was proud of himself too, but that wasn't the point.

He raised his coke to Sam and downed half of it as Steve went back to the conversation he'd been having with Jess and Nat.

And Bucky went back to his prior state of calm.

He was only half-heartedly participating in the conversation when he heard the talk in the sofas behind him getting louder.

“Are you seriously gonna start with the gate-keeping bullshit now?” A male voice, tone slightly exasperated. “In front of me, while we're supposed to be out for a good time?”

There was a quick and sharp response followed by cold laughter, and Bucky wasn't able to catch the next few sentences.

“Don't even try to drag me into this conversation, Loki, because I won't be on your side.” It was a higher-pitched voice this time. “Like, I'm bi and nonbinary. I know how this crap goes, I've been on the other side of it. You might think you're oh-so-original by being bigoted and hiding it under a thin layer of queer theory, but this shit's been done and re-done before. It's always the same arguments and it boils down to the fact that you'd rather be an asshole and exclude people from a safe space that they need, before you confront the fact that people can face different types of oppression than you and still be part of a community that's always been more defined by the fact it welcomed people that didn't belong anywhere else than by the list of identities it included.” She stopped after that, probably getting her breathing back after what had been a pretty long tirade.

“You talk about oppression, and oppression is exactly what the queer community” Bucky could almost imagined who he assumed was a man making air quotes around the two words. “was based on. But by ignoring the historical ideals that brought people together in the first place and insinuating that 'everyone belongs', you're just opening the gate for every single made-up identity to  claim space by pretending they're oppressed because someone was mean to them once. I mean, let's be serious, I've never heard of one asexual person dying during the AIDS crisis.”

Bucky involuntarily rolled his eyes, which got him a few looks from his friends around him. Which he should actually be listening to. He tried to re-engage in the conversation going on in front of him, but the back of his mind was always drifting back to what he could hear behind him.

“Did you die in the AIDS crisis, Loki?” It was the first man's voice again. “'Cause if I had known, I would have sent your brother some flowers.”

“Don't drag him into this, Clint. And you know exactly what I mean. What example do you have of the oppression you think you face?”

“Dude, I'm not even asexual, get your facts fucking right. But like, on the top of my head? Corrective rape is a thing that still happens. So are assholes like you that try to police how others identify. The fact that asexuality is listed in the DSM if you don't self-identify is also a pretty big thing.”

“You call that a big thing? People want to have sexual desire.”

“Oh my god, Kate, can I punch him?” The man didn't wait for a reply and went on. “They want that because every-fucking-body tells them that's what they should want. Just as there are lots of closeted gay people who want to be straight. I can't fucking deal with the fact you actually believe in what you're saying right now. I'm walking out on this. I'll be outside; once you get the fucking stick out of your ass, you can come find me, if getting it out doesn't do too much damage to your pride. Since you've obviously got more of it than brains.”

“Yeah, right, you just go and pretend that the fact you don't want sex somehow makes you a special snowflake and your life’s the hardest thing on earth.”

“I've told you I'm not fucking asexual, Loki. I'm on the aromantic spectrum. Not the same thing. Also, I don't want your pity. You probably couldn't give it anyway since you're busy pouring it all over yourself. Grow up.”

The man stood up and walked out. Bucky couldn't help but turn and follow him with his gaze. He noticed it was the same blond guy that had been looking at him while he danced with Sam.

“Hey, Buck, you okay?” Steve asked next to him, a note of concern in his voice though he was trying to be casual about it.

“Me? Yeah. 'm fine. I'm just gonna go for a smoke if that's okay? It's a bit stuffy in here, I need to get some air.”

“Sure, yeah. Uh, see you.”

Bucky didn't reply, simply grabbing his jacket and walking out. He was following his impulse more than his reason, but hey. His therapist always told him he should try to take small steps out of his comfort zone from time to time. This was something he could do, right? Spend the evening at a gay bar and talk to strangers. Totally a good idea.

The fresh air hit him in the face in an almost painful way. He shivered as he slipped into his jacket, looking around for a few seconds before he noticed the blond man leaning against the wall on the other side of the street. He took a cigarette from his pocket and approached the stranger in his best nonchalant attitude. “Do you have a light?”

It was a cheap line, but it was the only way he could think of to approach the man without seeming like a creeper. Of course, if he didn't have a lighter on him, Bucky would be very embarrassed, either standing around with his unlit cigarette or having to use his own lighter and be found out a liar.

It didn't come to that as the blond pulled out a plain purple lighter from his khaki jacket. “Here you go.”

Bucky lit his smoke and took a short drag, immediately relaxing as he exhaled. The effect was probably more psychological than anything at this point, but he didn't care about that as long as it actually worked.

“So... The guy you were with sounded like kind of a douche,” Bucky stated.

The blond laughed, startled, then nodded enthusiastically. His nose was slightly crooked, and Bucky noticed a faint scar on his neck on which the streetlights reflected. “A bit of a douche.” He repeated, looking up at the sky. “I guess you could say that. He just... He has his moments. He can be pretty decent sometimes, but others he'll just start this kind of crap and it's... annoying, I guess. I mean, I'm not really close to him, so whatever. We just keep on running into each other.”

“Still. I mean, I don't want to sound like I was spying on your conversation -”

“Though you kind of were?”

Bucky shrugged. Belatedly, he thought of offering a cigarette to the other man, but he refused. “You were speaking pretty loudly, to be honest. What I meant to say is... He didn't sound like he was trying not to hurt you, you know. He seemed to be enjoying pissing you off. So you don't have to make excuses for him.”

“Am I making excuses?” He thought about it for a second, and Bucky let him. He could hear the music from the bar, though only faintly, as well as a couple of people talking across the road. “Maybe I am. I guess it's just that what he was saying wasn't anything new. It's actually getting to be pretty old stuff. And like... If you keep on staying angry at those things, you won't ever be able to let go. And it'll just ruin your life. Loki's bigotry isn't worth ruining my life over.”

“I guess, yeah.”

Bucky wanted to ask more questions. To ask how come the blond had to deal with those kinds of comment enough for him to build a protective layer against them. He wanted to know where Loki's discourse was coming from, or even what the subject of it actually was. He knew about asexuality, and it wasn't too difficult to infer from that what “aromantic” meant. But he was curious about how this stranger identified, in a way that wasn't exactly polite.

He didn't ask.

Actually, the blond was the one who next asked a question. “What's your name, by the way? I saw you hanging out with one of the bartenders, so hopefully I can score a free drink if I make her think I'm your friend.”

Bucky let out a short laugh. “Yeah, no chance, not with Jess. She's treasurer for the youth group that's throwing this party, she won't be the one responsible for giving out free drinks and making them lose out on possible benefits.”

“Worth a try,” the stranger replied with a small smile, only lifting up one side of his mouth.

“Bucky. That's my name, if you still want to know. Or, well, my actual name's James, but most people call me Bucky.”

“And do you have a preference between the two?”

Bucky shrugged.

“Okay Bucky. I'm Clint.” He extended a hand to shake, and Bucky switched his cigarette to his left hand. He was wearing a glove over his prosthetic arm and hoped Clint's attention wouldn't get caught on it.

“Nice to meet you, Clint.”

“Likewise. Saw you dance with this guy a while before. You got some moves.”

Bucky shrugged again. “Yeah. I like dancing. Used to take lessons with one of my friends when we were in highschool.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“Uh?”

“The guy you were dancing with.”

“Sam?” Bucky shook his head, smiling. “Nah. Just a friend. Actually a friend of a friend. Only really started to get close to him in like... the last two months or so?”

“Oh, you looked pretty close,” Clint said teasingly, lying back against the wall.

“Yeah, no, I don't see him like that. And I'm pretty sure he's into Steve. Short, skinny, blond? Often looks like a lost puppy?”

“I think I see who you mean, yeah.”

Bucky dropped his cigarette and put it out, putting both hands in his jeans pocket.

“Speaking of Steve, I should probably head back. He's a bit of a mother hen sometimes, I'd better not let him start worrying or he'll freak out and give me a stern look.”

“Is that such a terrifying prospect?”

“Oh yeah. Trust me, you haven't seen Steve's stern looks.”

Bucky took a step backwards, signaling that he was about to get out of the conversation, but actually uncertain of whether he wanted to leave.

He wanted to ask for Clint's number, maybe. The blond was pretty attractive, in a kind of toned-down way, and he had a sort of laid-back charm about him. But mostly Bucky was just... intrigued. He wasn't sure whether it was in a nice way or not, and that was why he hesitated to act on it. It was his first night out after his last relapse, and Bucky was conscious of the fact that he might just have taken an unhealthy fancy to the guy because he had starved himself of any human contact for weeks.

“Do you come here regularly?” Clint asked as he was taking a second step back. “I mean, I don't think I've seen you around, but maybe I just hadn't noticed you.” He sounded doubtful of the idea in a way that brought warmth to Bucky's cheeks.

“Not... exactly. I don't... I don't go out much, actually. Today was kind of a favor to my friends.”

“I guess you'd really better get back in, then.”

“Yeah, but, uh...” Bucky took a breath. “Could I give you my number? I don't... if that's... I mean I'm not looking for...” He shook his head.

Clint shrugged. “'I'm not looking for' either. But if you want to grab a coffee or something someday, I probably wouldn't say no. Especially if you pay for it. I'm kind of broke, to be honest.”

Bucky laughed. “Sure. Want me to dictate?”

Clint pulled out his phone, unlocked it, and handed it to him. “Just type it in.”

Bucky did that, then handed the phone back. Clint fiddled with it for a few seconds, then Bucky felt his own phone vibrate in his jeans pocket. And pulled it out to a new text that just said “hi :)”. He saved the number and gave Clint a smile and a wave as he turned back to the bar.

“Ok. See you around then?”

“Sure. Maybe you can teach me some of those dance moves someday.”

“Sure.” He stepped inside, the saturated atmosphere immediately weighing on him. Natasha and Jess were slow-dancing. They smiled at him as he crossed the dancefloor, settling back next to Steve and fiddling with the wrist joint of his prosthesis.

[thenovl]

NOVL Excerpt: Seven Days of You

07:00:00:00 DAYS   HOURS     MINS     SECS 

AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SUMMER, I tried to get on top of the whole moving-continents thing by reminding myself I still had time. Days and hours and seconds all piled on top of one another, stretching out in front of me as expansive as a galaxy. And the stuff I couldn’t deal with—packing my room and saying good-bye to my friends and leaving Tokyo—all that hovered at some indistinct point in the indistinct future.

So I ignored it. Every morning, I’d meet Mika and David in Shibuya, and we’d spend our days eating in ramen shops or browsing tiny boutiques that smelled like incense. Or, when it rained, we’d run down umbrella-crowded streets and watch anime I couldn’t understand on Mika’s couch. Some nights, we’d dance in strobe-lit clubs and go to karaoke at four in the morning. Then, the next day, we’d sit at train-station donut shops for hours, drinking milky coffee and watching the sea of commuters come and go and come and go again.

Once, I stayed home and tried dragging boxes up the stairs, but it stressed me out so much, I had to leave. I walked around Yoyogi-Uehara until the sight of the same cramped streets made me dizzy. Until I had to stop and fold myself into an alcove between buildings, trying to memorize the kanji on street signs. Trying to count my breaths.

And then it was August fourteenth. And I only had one week left, and it was hot, and I wasn’t even close to being packed. But the thing was, I should have known how to do this. I’d spent my whole life ping-ponging across the globe, moving to new cities, leaving people and places drifting in my wake.

Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this good-bye—to Tokyo, to the first friends I’d ever had, to the only life that felt like it even remotely belonged to me—was the kind that would swallow me whole. That would collapse around me like a star imploding.

And the only thing I knew how to do was to hold on as tightly as possible and count every single second until I reached the last one. The one I dreaded most.

Sudden, violent, final.

The end.

Chapter 1

Sunday:  06:19:04:25 DAYS     HOURS     MINS     SECS

I WAS LYING ON THE LIVING-ROOM floor reading Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries when our air‐conditioning made a sputtering sound and died. Swampy heat spread through the room as I held my hand over the box by the window. Nothing. Not even a gasp of cold air. I pressed a couple of buttons and hoped for the best. Still nothing.

“Mom,” I said. She was sitting in the doorway to the kitchen, wrapping metal pots in sheets of newspaper. “Not to freak you out or anything, but the air-conditioning just broke.”

She dropped some newspaper shreds on the ground, and our cat—Dorothea Brooks—came over to sniff them. “It’s been doing that. Just press the big orange button and hold it.”

“I did. But I think it’s serious this time. I think I felt its spirit passing.”

Mom unhooked a panel from the back of the air‐ conditioning unit and poked around. “Damn. The landlord said this system might go soon. It’s so old, they’ll have to replace it for the next tenant.”

August was always hot in Tokyo, but this summer was approaching unbearable. A grand total of five minutes without air-conditioning and all my bodily fluids were evaporating from my skin. Mom and I opened some windows, plugged in a bunch of fans, and stood in front of the open refrigerator.

“We should call a repairman,” I said, “or it’s possible we’ll die here.”

Mom shook her head, going into full-on Professor Wachowski mode. Even though we’re both short, she looks a lot more intimidating than I do, with her square jaw and serious eyes. She looks like the type of person who won’t lose an argument, who can’t take a joke.

I look like my dad.

“No,” Mom said. “I’m not dealing with this the week before we leave. The movers are coming on Friday.” She turned and leaned into the fridge door. “Why don’t you go out? See your friends. Come back tonight when it’s cooled down.”

I twisted my watch around my wrist. “Nah, that’s okay.”

“You don’t want to?” she asked. “Did something happen with Mika and David?”

“Of course not,” I said. “I just don’t feel like going out. I feel like staying home, and helping, and being the good daughter.”

God, I sounded suspicious, even to myself.

But Mom didn’t notice. She held out a few one-hundred-yen coins. “In that case, go to the konbini and buy some of those towels you put in the freezer and wrap around your neck.”

I contemplated the money in her hand, but the heat made it swim across my vision. Going outside meant walking into the boiling air. It meant walking down the little streets I knew so well, past humming vending machines and stray cats stretched out in apartment-building entrances. Every time I did that, I was reminded of all the little things I loved about this city and how they were about to slip away forever. And today, of all days, I really didn’t need that reminder.

“Or,” I said, trying to sound upbeat, “I could pack.”

 Packing was, of course, a terrible idea.

Even the thought of it was oppressive. Like if I stood in my room too long, the walls would start tightening around me, trash-compacting me in. I stood in the doorway and focused on how familiar it all was. Our house was small and semi-dilapidated, and my room was predictably small to match, with only a twin bed, a desk pushed against the window, and a few red bookshelves running along the walls. But the problem wasn’t the size—it was the stuff. The physics books I’d bought and the ones Dad had sent me cluttering up the shelves, patterned headbands and tangled necklaces hanging from tacks in the wall, towers of unfolded laundry built precariously all over the floor. Even the ceiling was crowded, crisscrossed with string after string of star-shaped twinkly lights.

There was a WET PAIN! sign (it was supposed to say WET PAINT!) propped against my closet that Mika had stolen from outside her apartment building, a Rutgers University flag pinned above my bed, Totoro stuffed toys on my pillow, and boxes and boxes of platinum-blond hair dye everywhere. (Those, I needed to get rid of. I’d stopped dyeing my hair blond since the last touch-up had turned it an attractive shade of Fanta orange.) It was so much—too much—to have to deal with. And I might have stayed there for hours, paralyzed in the doorway, if Alison hadn’t come up behind me.

“Packed already?”

I spun around. My older sister had on the same clothes she’d been wearing all weekend--black T‐shirt, black leggings--and she was holding an empty coffee mug.

I crossed my arms and tried to block her view of the room. “It’s getting there.”

“Clearly.”

“And what have you been doing?” I asked. “Sulking? Scowling? Both at the same time?”

She narrowed her eyes but didn’t say anything. Alison was in Tokyo for the summer after her first year at Sarah Lawrence. She’d spent the past three months staying up all night and drinking coffee and barely leaving her bedroom during sunlight hours. The unspoken reason for this was that she’d broken up with her girlfriend at the end of last year. Something no one was allowed to mention.

“You have so much crap,” Alison said, stepping over a pile of thrift‐store dresses and sitting on my unmade bed. She balanced the coffee mug between her knees. “I think you might be a hoarder.”

“I’m not a hoarder,” I said. “This is not hoarding.”

She arched an eyebrow. “Lest you forget, little sister, I’ve been by your side for many a move. I’ve witnessed the hoarder’s struggle.”

It was true. My sister had been by my side for most of our moves, avoiding her packing just as much as I’d been avoiding mine. This year, though, she only had the one suitcase she’d brought with her from the States—no doubt full of sad, sad poetry books and sad, sad scarves.

“You’re one to talk,” I said. “You threw approximately nine thousand tantrums when you were packing last summer.”

“I was going to college.” Alison shrugged. “I knew it would suck.”

“And look at you now,” I said. “You’re a walking endorsement for the college experience.”

The corners of her lips moved like she was deciding whether to laugh or not. But she decided not to. (Of course she decided not to.)

I climbed onto my desk, pushing aside an oversize paper‐ back called Unlocking the MIT Application! and a stuffed koala with a small Australian flag clasped between its paws. Through the window behind me, I could see directly into someone else’s living room. Our house wasn’t just small lit was surrounded on three sides by apartment buildings. Like a way less interesting version of Rear Window.

Alison reached over and grabbed the pile of photos and postcards sitting on my nightstand. “Hey!” I said. “Enough with the stuff-touching.”

But she was already flipping through them, examining each picture one at a time. “Christ,” she said. “I can’t believe you kept these.”

“Of course I kept them,” I said, grabbing my watch. “Dad sent them to me. He sent the same ones to you, in case that important fact slipped your mind.”

She held up a photo of the Eiffel Tower, Dad standing in front of it and looking pretty touristy for someone who actually lived in Paris. “A letter a year does not a father make.”

“You’re so unfair,” I said. “He sends tons of e‐mails. Like, twice a week.”

“Oh my God!” She waved another photo at me, this one of a woman sitting on a wood-framed couch holding twin babies on her lap. “The Wife and Kids? Really? Please don’t tell me you still daydream about going to live with them.”

“Aren’t you late for sitting in your room all day?” I asked.

“Seriously,” she said. “You’re one creepy step away from Photoshopping yourself in here.”

I kept the face of my watch covered with my hand, hoping she wouldn’t start on that as well.

She didn’t. She moved on to another picture: me and Alison in green and yellow raincoats, standing on a balcony messy with cracked clay flowerpots. In the picture, I am clutching a kokeshi—a wooden Japanese doll—and Alison is pointing at the camera. My dad stands next to her, pulling a goofy face.

“God,” she muttered. “That shitty old apartment.”

“It wasn’t shitty. It was—palatial.” Maybe. We’d moved from that apartment when I was five, after my parents split, so honestly, I barely remembered it. Although I did still like the idea of it. Of one country and one place and one family living there. Of home.

Alison threw the pictures back on the nightstand and stood up, all her dark hair spilling over her shoulders.

“Whatever,” she said. “I don’t have the energy to argue with you right now. You have fun with all your”—she gestured around the room—“stuff.”

And then she was gone, and I was hurling a pen at my bed, angry because this just confirmed everything she thought. She was the Adult; I was still the Little Kid.

Dorothea Brooks padded into the room and curled up on a pile of clean laundry in a big gray heap.

“Fine,” I said. “Ignore me. Pretend I’m not even here.”

Her ears didn’t so much as twitch. I reached up to yank open the window, letting the sounds of Tokyo waft in: a train squealing into Yoyogi‐Uehara Station, children shouting as they ran through alleyways, cicadas croaking a tired song like something from a rusted music box.

Since our house was surrounded by apartment buildings, I had to crane my neck to look above them at this bright blue strip of sky. There was an object about the size of a fingernail moving through the clouds, leaving a streak of white in its wake that grew longer and then broke apart.

I watched the plane until there was no trace of it left. Then I held up my hand to blot out the sliver of sky where it had been—but wasn’t anymore.

Thanks for reading the prologue and first chapter of Cecilia Debut’s smart and swoony debut! Seven Days of You releases on March 7, 2017. 

[cryptnus-blog]

No No No No No Stop Saying Ripple Is Bigger Than Bitcoin

New Post has been published on https://cryptnus.com/2018/12/no-no-no-no-no-stop-saying-ripple-is-bigger-than-bitcoin/

No No No No No Stop Saying Ripple Is Bigger Than Bitcoin

If  you spend enough time lurking on the internet, you run into a lot of crazy theories. Cryptocurrency is a bit of a magnet for eccentricity, so it’s no coincidence that we have plenty of Moon Landing theorists and SEC Truthers in our midst.

There are cryptonauts who earnestly believe that McAfee is the LSD-fueled reincarnation of Abbie Hoffman (wait, that one’s kind of credible), that crypto prices are completely free from manipulation (that one’s harder to swallow), and our new favorite: the theory that the metrics for XRP are being consistently understated on CoinMarketCap and other sites in order to hide the token’s true value.

This theory tends to resurface every few months, especially when XRP is doing particularly well:

What a bunch of F***** ! Wow! They screwed us over @CoinMarketCap ! Jesus what a horrible thing to do to XRP ! They are responsible for the manipulation of the price as well as a lot of people loosing money… #SEC_News @SEC_News look into this!

— My XRP (@MyXrp589) November 29, 2018

  Here’s the reasoning. There are 100 billion XRP, created in Ripple’s Genesis block, each of which has a market price of $0.3513, for a combined value of $35bn and change. CoinMarketCap only counts the XRP which are currently circulated among the public, for a reported market cap of only $14bn.

On the other hand, each of the 17.4 million bitcoins is worth $3,881, for a combined value of $67.5bn.

What makes this really interesting is that, at the height of last year’s dizzying bubble, XRP would have actually had a higher market capitalization than Bitcoin, at least under the more generous metric.

This in turn has sprouted a whole series of offshoot theories, to the effect that leading crypto trackers—like CoinMarketCap— are conspiring to keep the XRP token down, either by miscalculating the true value or excluding South Korean Markets, where XRP has a larger slice of the pie.

RippleCoinNews (which must have missed the memo about calling it XRP) recently revived the non-story, with the headline: “XRP Fans Think CoinMarketCap Is Manipulating The Market, Demand Fair Calculations.”

Regardless of what you think of Ripple, it’s hard not to smile at the thought of poor bankers and corporate financiers being oppressed by The Man.

The fallacy, as you’ve probably figured out, is that most of those tokens are locked in escrow and are considered unusable. If these tokens were publicly available, they could not be easily sold without tanking the price.

It’s not the only legitimate way to calculate market capitalization. Yahoo! Finance, for example, does include escrowed tokens in its calculations, giving XRP a cumulative value of $34.8 billion. And here it is from the Ripple’s Mouth:

  Via XRPCharts.Ripple.Com

  XRP Charts, a live dashboard of the XRP Ledger, shows the token’s market capitalization at a stately $34.9 billion, with a few points lost from coin burns.

They have a few good points there—CMC doesn’t include the XRP which Ripple has locked in escrow (around 60 billion) but it does include up to 3.8 million lost Bitcoins, as well as the 1.1 million reportedly held in escrow by Craig Wright. Taking these into account would trim Bitcoin’s market capitalization down to around $45bn.

But the bigger lesson—one that we’ve repeatedly harped on—is that market capitalization is an inadequate metric for the value of cryptocurrencies, whether they are calculated generously or not. These calculations assume that each token can be sold at the most recent public price, ignoring the fact that crypto markets lack meaningful depth. Any large trade, if public, could trigger a sell-off –as may have been the case last month.

Moreover, unlike stocks, the value of a currency depends on its use: HODLing might be better for the price in the short term, but it doesn’t facilitate adoption and circulation in the same way that spending and using them does.

The truth is that value, like beauty, is more than skin deep.

  Arguments may now be started in our Telegram group.

  The author owns both XRP and Bitcoin, which are mentioned in this article.