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dumbbitchfrommars · 3 months

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im feeling quite a darkness and heaviness at the moment.

lowkey feel like i need to find a psych again, cause im probably gonna spiral soon.

this was supposed to be an exciting time but instead i feel like crap.

everything is always stress stress stress. i always wonder if this is gonna affect my long term health and mental health - constantly being afraid and anxious and stressed.

i am in debt, that should be my biggest concern right now but its not. i dont care at all. which is a huge thing to say considering my capricorn moon.

nothing really feels worth it, nothing is good enough. nothing is ever good enough. when has it ever? i try so hard to appreciate the little things but its like im always masking this underlying lack of appreciation for everything. life is hard. life has let me down so often... i have let myself down so often.

what did life do to deserve these words? lets be honest for once. no one and nothing has done me dirty. its all in my favour and to help me grow. im the one whos resisting and refusing to change.

i have a list of bad habits and thought processes that are limiting me. its a wonder people have the patience and forgiveness for me. i feel like im not really worth it. i guess when it comes to my family theyre just forced to - theyre my family. we live together. of course they will tolerate me.

somehow feeding into my negativity is not helping. i still feel wrong. like its all wrong and im not allowed to feel this way. ive done the wrong thing and im handling it all wrong. what do i do to fix it?

the tarot told me to reach out to others during this time. to communicate. the one thing i suck most at. yet i dont either at the same exact time. ive learnt how to talk about the things that matter. work. work and... fun. but life isnt all about work and fun. theres ugly stuff too. like my inner world and how underdeveloped and unprepared she is for the real world.

im angry and insecure, yes, we already established that. what's deeper? i dont know how to take care of myself. i want to be taken care of. i am scared of being forced to take care of myself. i am hurt because nobody wants to take care of me. i feel abandoned. i feel neglected. my inner child is feeling neglected. my inner child wants so desperately to be looked after.

i went into a black hole and had no one on the outside to look after me. but thats not true, is it? i had someone to look after me. i was lucky enough to have someone who cares about me to look after me. and i wasnt grateful, because i was upset. i felt id received evil eye. i was suspicious and angry and resentful because somehow it all meant that i was less worthy, less pretty, less wanted, less important, less enough. less pretty less thick less curvy less attractive less magnetic less feminine less desired. its so fucking stupid. its so so so fucking stupid. its all stupid. its all a stupid fucking game made by men who want us against each other and want them to be the prize. i am the prize. ive convinced myself im not but i am the fucking prize.

how did i let it get to this? how come it has come to this? when and how and why did it? when i retrace my steps, can i see how i fell into the trap of negative thinking time and time again until the point of no return? i thought i'd be fine as soon as i had time to myself. but the damage has been done and its gonna take a while for me to return to where i was before. i should be feeling on top of the world. i should be feeling magnificent. and proud. and happy. but i feel like absolute shit. i feel so low. and i feel like i cant focus on anything but the worst experiences from the last few months. nothing good only bad. im being frustrating and stubborn and completely negative and childish.

im so angry at myself right now. i dont know how to fix it. i dont know how to get back to normal in time. theres no time. life doesnt wait for me or anyone. but i still need time. how can i show my face to all my friends and put on a smile when nothing is fine inside? i want to say "no, i cant make it" and take the time to recover. but will i even recover? it just becomes another thing to add to the list of things im disappointed in myself over. im a mess. im chaos. im a child throwing tantrums everything her fuse has run out. because im not able to regulate my emotions until they blow over and all of the sudden im reacting and lashing out and doing things i always come to regret.

i hate feeling like im being treated like a child and yet i act like one.

i want someone to look after me and take care of me and parent me and love me.

but can i do any of those things for myself? for another person? i say how badly i want children but look at me. id be a terrible mother. i can barely take care of myself.

knowing all these things does nothing for me. i need to change. i want to change. but i dont want to either. im afraid of how much work its gonna take. all of the sudden im 18 again and completely overwhelmed and cant handle the pressure of all the responsibility life and adulthood brings. im still grieving the old me. im still grieving the childhood i missed out on... im still grieving the childhood i never appreciated.

my life lesson will be to appreciate it.

and still my ears ring and still my head throbs and i cant cry because i am still disconnected from her. i am her. but i cant reach her. shes taken the reigns and is bulldozing everything i thought i once knew.

theres so much to unpack. i want to learn i want to change i want to grow. fuck its so overwhelming. i feel like shit. i feel like a failure. i feel so weak and immature because i just cant do it. i feel so ashamed because i dont want to be this way. i dont want to be treated like a child i just want your respect.. i just want to be respected. i just want to be heard. listen to me! i deserve to be heard. i deserve to speak up. why cant i just fucking SPEAK UP? why wont you give me the space to SPEAK UP? listen to me! listen to me! listen to me! i might be a child but i am still fucking important! listen to me! how could you make me feel this way? this small? this unimportant? this silenced? my anger is valid but its being channeled in the wrong way. its spilling out because i dont know what to do with and i dont know how to integrate it and i dont know how to share it in a healthy way.

okay. i need to sit with this for one fucking second . its all ive been wanting and asking and waiting for for weeks. so let me do that. okay!? give me a fucking break. fuck.

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gothtopus108 · 5 months

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okay i need to rant about this stupid guy because i cant stop thinking about all of this shit

so, my boyfriend has this friend right and we have a LOT of common intrests, so we started talking about music we like ect ect, i didnt like him for a long time bc he made me anxious but i warmed up to him, eventually we got really close (at least i thought we were close) and now i've always had the problem of being way closer with people than they are with me, but I knew he pretty much had ducky, their other best friend, and pretty much no one else.

when we were talking it was a REALLY bad time in my life. Maybe one of the top worst, and I've had a lot of really shitty time. I'm bipolar, and i was balls-deep in a horrible mixed episode, i also was heavily restricting food and taking more ritalin than i am supposed to, so basically, i was in an insane hazy oblivion and basically just entierly zoned out but also really intense from the ritalin and mania. I was in the process of moving and trying to pack up all of my shit too and my parents were CONSTANTLY fighting also so badly it would wake me up from sleep when they got into it.

So we would talk for hours, texting until like 3am, mostly about will wood/other music artists we share obsessions with, but also a lot about life and our respective shitty mental health. Now, I was also convinced I was going to lose ducky, and i was going through yet another horrific mania-induced gender identity crisis. So, although he NEVER said anything about it, in retrospect I was defintly not being a normal human person in the way i was interacting with him. Its hard enough for me to interact normally, but throw in that shit-storm and I know i was being way too much for anyone to handle, let alone someone i only just started talking too

eventually, me and ducky did break up (thanks bpd)(we also got back together a few weeks later obvi) and I think the main thing i did was ranting to him, basically dumping my entiere thoughts while activly splitting on ducky. I think this was probally the final straw. The day ducky told him we broke up, he told me us talking "doesn't feel right" and he has not responed to a single text since then.

i asked him why, and nothing. it hurt almost as bad as breaking up with ducky, because at least with ducky we had talked about if for literal days before deciding to break up and we also kept talking as friends. I didnt text him for like two weeks and when I was in a much much better place mentally i reached out saying basically "hey im sorry for how i acted, i promise thats not how i normally am, you just need to be more firm with me on boundaries. also if you hate me please say that instead of just ghosting me" but nothing.

now heres the part thats fucking me up the most. I fucking TOLD him so many times how hard being ignored fucks me up. I told him that being ignored literally makes me suicicdal. I told him how i'd so much rather someone scream and yell at me, call me horrible names, even physically fucking hurt me than ignore me, yet he STILL refuses to even acknowledge me. He KNEW how i have absolutely NO friends but ducky, he KNEW i was in the worst time of my life, he KNEW all of my trauma around friendships ending, he KNEW ALL OF IT, but he still fucking ignores me. I hate it. I cant fucking stand it.

I JUST want to be his friend again so bad. I loved him he was so fun and we had so many common interests especially in things that ducky doesnt want to talk about as much with me. i just want him to tell me what i did wrong. I want him to be angry i want to hear everything i did wrong i want him to TELL me i cant stand him ignoring me it makes my skin crawl. Now ducky told me he blocked me which makes it even worse. I feel entierly out of control.

and the worst part is, ducky just says 'yeah he didn't handle it right, but your response to what he did is not his fault' when i tell him how hes making me actively suicidal. Like,, yes,, that is true,, but when i've told him how triggering it is, when i've told him about the time i attempted after someone stoped talking to me, when i text him begging him to text me back and he still wont, at what point does at least SOME blame fall on him? like if i had never told him any of that stuff and he was just oblivious to how triggering it is that would be one thing but NO, i fucking TOLD him SO many times.

im so upset and hurt and confused and angry and evberything feels so bad and i just know hes talking shit about me to ducky i know he is he thinks im a bad person and hes trying to convince ducky i am a bad person . i hat ehim somuch im so hurt and upset and i want to hurt myself i cant belive i even tried to be his friend i can ttak ethis

#bpd vent #vent #actually bpd #bpd thoughts

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huntedspy2 · 6 months

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gonna scream into the void for a second

trying to be more genuine with myself and others. Reaching out or complimenting people even if I'm scared to do so. opening up to people more, asking for help or setting boundaries. I also want to feel less scared of how I use tumblr. I want to be able to use my main blog without feeling like ill annoy others, or being more open about my kin identities. I often feel cringe for it which makes no sense because this is the "cringe website". like I can and should be myself this is my online experience

I was planning to redesign my blogs' structures before making the Big Switch but I think that's what's holding me back

For about a month now too I've been building a personal website on github purely for my gender hoard, kinlist, and pronoun/name info. It was originally for ponytown (lol) but it's been helping me improve my html and css skills andddd its been making me feel more inspired to make a general personal website

the ideas I have for a personal website would to just make it my place. I want to have info about my ocs on there, thoughts on certain media, random pages with useless shit that are there just because its fun. and I want to include stuff like the gender hoard and kinlist pages on there too because again, I want to be more genuine

I am the most stressed and anxious I've been in so long. my jaw clenching has started up again, I'm getting acne again, I constantly feel tense and my chest is always anxious feeling and tight, I've been losing the motivation to make meals and eat and losing energy. I cant keep up with college and at this point I don't know if I made the right choice in computer science. I have a passion for working with computers, but I realize now that passion leaned more towards the IT side of things and. im in CS. I have no motivation or ideas for doing projects outside of coursework unlike a lot of my peers. I'm closeted so I feel like I'm just fitting their stereotype of "girl cant do cs!!!!!". fuck!!!!!!!!

parents stressing me out and overall not taking into accountability I have disabilities

thats another thing, I haven't been able to get my ADHD properly treated since I got it diagnosed 4years ago. I also know im autistic but I dont want to get formally diagnosed bc of several issues, so speaking up for myself with that disability is impossible when my parents don't think im autistic and don't like self diagnosis

maybe its not too late to finish my degree and do a 180 and get into 3d modeling. I'm sure my passion with art could mesh with my programming skills there or something

I don't know who I am really. I always feel like other people have aesthetics or themes that fit them, and here I am with so many different interests in aesthetics and themes that I cant choose one. hoe do people choose a theme for a website? how do people decorate their profiles with a clear and solid theme? I feel like I always have 20 different themes that I want at the same time, its hard to choose one and have people only perceive that one with you

I have a headache rn

on the plus side i also had the tastiest clementine in possibly my whole life

I always remind myself I am only 21 I am so young in the grand scheme of things. but outside pressure wants me to know who I am at this exact moment. its so hard

fish and aquariums have quickly become a special interest within the last 2 months id say. im debating between a 10 or 20 gallon and what id stock it with. im thinking honey gourami and neon tetras and shrimp, but I love the idea of a betta fish or a crayfish. I've had to take care of a crayfish before they're lively little creatures

I want to be more social with people and make new friends or at least gaming friends, but im always apprehensive because I know ill be masking. need to try to open up more, might play more vrchat to socialize but its hard

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inahallucination · 3 years

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i have another headache today but

anyway

the only person to blame for this au is @regina-della-poesia no i will not elaborate

not a teachers au but a accidental secret relationship au where neil goes to welton and todd goes to balincrest (?) pre-canon or canon divergence im not sure

Neil is known for being a super smart, super friendly, and super nice person; he has a group of friends that consists of charlie, knox, meeks, pitts, and cameron but he’s friends with every body

he’s always helping people out with school work, or talking to them when they look down, or sticking up for them, or just giving them friendly hellos and smiles

and also he’s tall, has pretty hair and eyes, and a bone structure to die for

so naturally, he gets asked out a lot

but he rejects e v e r y s i n g l e p e r s o n

and everyone at first is like oh he’s not interested or he’s probably too busy

but one day he starts rejecting people with a “i already have a boyfriend” and everyone is like ????

and the genuinely think he’s lying -- not because neil is the kinda person to lie, but just because from where????

like this is welton??? the closest school is henley hall but that’s an all girls school, sure there are other schools around but theyre a bit further down and with welton’s strict curfews it would make it impossible to see anyone

so they’re like “oh he’s trying to let us down easily” because he’s nice and wants to pull a “it’s not u” but efficiently

and his friends all tease him about it too

and he’s like no he’s real

and theyre like then tell us about him

and neil is like “he’s got the prettiest blue eyes in the world, they’re just so bright and clear, i could look into them all day, and his hair is soft and pretty and kinda like a sunflower, and he’s got the softest face and the softest hands, and when he laughs his entire face lights up and he’s tall but a bit shorter than me and he has long legs and he gives great hugs and he’s a poet and he smells nice and his laugh is the best sound to ever hear” and they’re like damn this guy is like so gone

but it’s funny to tease him

so charlie’s like “if he’s real then how come we’ve never met him”

and neil is like “todd’s really shy and u guys are kinda a lot so i wanna ease him into it and not like make him anxious”

and like that’s fair but they still make fun of him

but other than them no one believes him - they just think he’s lying

until one day neil is freaking out because he took his trig textbook out to go on study date with todd but forgot it and there’s a test next class and not enough time to get it back and oh god if he fails his dad will never let him see todd again

and everyone is sympathetic but before anyone can offer their own a boy with blue eyes and blond hair comes to the dorm hall looking around and somehow not looking at anything at all, he looks super uncomfortable but he braves through it

and charlie - who hears more about todd than anyone else is like “omg thats todd anderson”

so he approaches him, a bit cautiously because he remembers neil telling him about todd’s anxiety and is like

“hey you’re todd right?” and todd looks a little taken aback so charlies like hopefully neil mentioned us and says “im charlie. neil’s friend” and todd obviously recognizes the name cuz he relaxes a bit and charlie is like are you here to see neil and todd nods again, and so charlie leads him to neil’s dorm and knocks and is like “neil uve got a guest”

and neil is not feeling very good at the moment and he thinks it’s probably his dad, so he opens obviously annoyed but then he sees todd and his face lights up and everyone is like oh is this the boyfriend?????

and then todd reaches into his bag and takes out a textbook and is like “u left ur textbook and u have a test soon so i thought i’d get it back to u soon” and the he hands him another bag he was holding “and a study kit” and neil looks so fucking relieved and happy and he just throws himself onto todd and smothers him with kisses

and charlie is like “get a room??????” and todd is all red and neil kind of wants todd to stay but they both know he has to go but they promise to meet up soon for a date and it’s good and happy and the study kit is filled with neil’s favorite snacks and shit and i just love boyfriend anderperry <3

omg my headache’s gone

#anderperry #anderperry fanfic #anderperry fic #todd anderson #dps #dps fandom #dead poets fanfic #dps fanfiction #anderperry au #neil perry #todd and neil #neil and todd #dead poets society #deadpoets #dead poets headcanons #dps headcanons #neil perry headcanons #todd anderson headcanons #anderperry precanon au

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hufflautia · 3 years

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AA I WANNA KINDA THROW UP. i just went through all my notifications for the last few months in which i was gone and void and just gone like my dad. one thing that i realized that was kind of a shocker was that i like to abandon things before they can abandon me, or just do dumb shit and disappear before i get disappointed.

a beautiful example was when i had ordered two cute dresses and they finally came in the mail and as i was trying one on, i ddint rlly bother looking around it for a zipper besides the back of it, i rlly just shoved that shit over my legs and tried to pull it up and when that didnt work i pulled it over my head and somehow got it on and when i tried to take it off, for the life of me i couldnt and thats when i noticed a zipper in the side.

i know, i have worms for brains. and after i realized, one: im dumb, but also two: theres a likelihood tht i decided not to look for the zipper bc i automatically assumed after i saw no zipper on the back that there wasnt one instead of searching for one bc if i couldnt find one, then i would get worried and disappointed. so i just went straight into it and tried to wear it without using one.

as i was looking through all the notifications, i just felt so immensely sad. maybe bcim listening to intense piano music bc the thought of going through all the notifications made me rlly anxious. bc then i would have to see all the likes and reblogs and comments and be reminded that there are actually people who care and like my work and im an old fart who disappeared for months. and i feel ultra bad bc of that ask i got of the person who was like pls i need closure areu working on the series or not : ( the email connected to this blog is one i no longer use so i didnt get the notification that i got an ask and UGH. the ask was back in december and now its jan and i feel so bad.

yall know how much i struggled with my writing and all the likes and reblog and just the lack of feedback i receive and how i was disappointed. so i think i have reached the reasoning behind my disappearance: disappear bc they disappoint you again. just like my dad when he would consistently disappoint me and i wsant in control of the situation, i could not make him come back home but im in control ofmy own actions so i leave before i can get disappointed again, try to fit on the dress without the disappointment that there was no zipper.

but as i was going through all the notifications i realzied that i am actually loved to some extent. sure, some of my fics dont do so well in my eyes, but others do. i remember feeling sad when chapter 5 part 1 didnt get much feedback but here i am, four months after it posted, and theres 102 notes and thats good enough for me.

i feel so sad, like alone here. my stupid fucking ocd forced me to go throuhg my entire feed every single day on tumblr and it was so exhausting. but i thankfully came out of that by not doing it, and it felt okay again. i was ok. but then i kinda lost touch with tumblr after? like i miss the people i used to see on my feed and i wonder where they are. i wonder where you all are. theres probably gonna be like two or three people reading this, and imt hankful. i hope ur ok.

i feel so weird on this blog. theres so much shit that happened, like with the ocd and then the stalker friend and then the whole thing with feedback. i have a very mixed feeling. sometimes i tell myself im never going back bc the validation will never be enough. but other times i want to write, not even for the feedback but because i like my writing, i like crafting it and thinking of ways to perfect it and make it nice.

i remember the days when i did incorrect quotes and i remember stopping them bc my anxiety was getting to be too much, and thats when i kinda disconnected with tumblr bc then my follower and like count slowed. i think i wanna start it again bc it was fun but its like, where are the people i used to see? people who i follow either stopped posting or idk where they are. i feel sad, like everyone is leaaving tumblr and im reminiscing on what this used to be. this used to be my whoel life and thats HELLA dramatic, no it wasnt, but i remember how excited i felt whenever i logged on tumblr, all the asks i got, etc. its sad when u lose touch with something u would've given everything for. but im not forgetting the new people who i come across, who are still here. its sad and beautiful. maybe things will get better when i post incorrect quotes again and connect with more people. bc this is connecting, in a way. like hey this post is funny. it reminds me that people are there and im not in a void.

thank u if u got this far, thank u for not leaving me in the void of loneliness. :(.

i think that before, when i was semi-notreally-active last year, i was kinda sad. like still dealing with a lot of stuff. ugh work, i remember when i had work in the summer and i was SO fucking exhausted all the time and didnt have the energy to write or just do literally anything. that shit was horrible. but now im actually happy. like im genuinely happy at college, its fun and wonderful and freeing. and im happy. i hope it makes u feel a tad bit better to know that while i was gone, i was happy.

so now idk whats next. i started planning out chapter 5 part 2 today. i hope people will be there to read it. xoxo i love you .

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brelione · 4 years

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Rivers (The Best Boys)

Warnings:Car crashes,mentions of sex,blood.

Im sorry in advance.This shit might hurt.

Series Masterlist

Rafe glanced over to you, obviously knowing what this was about.He gulped and nodded, agreeing to go outside to speak to Topper.You tapped your fingers on the table anxiously as they walked outside of the house and slammed the slider door behind them.

“What do you think thats about?”Kelce asked, setting down his burger.Shit.This was it, Topper was gonna find out what you and Rafe did.It was bad enough that they knew about the kiss but this was even worse.

And it didnt help that you told Topper that you didnt like Rafe like that.Now all you felt was guilt.Guilt for hooking up with Rafe,guilt from even talking to Topper about your problems when you knew that it would probably put stress on him.Now you were screwed,head in your hands.

“You guys did things while we were gone?You kissed her last week, you gave her a hickey tonight.Whats gonna happen next week?Are you gonna get her pregnant?Do you even care about what’s happening in her life?Do you even fucking care about her at all or is she just another one of your toys that you use for sex and then just ditch?Do you not care that we all made a deal?Do you even realize what youve done?”Topper had tried his best not to yell.

Rafe stared at the blonde, eyes wide. “Dont even say that I dont fucking care about her!You’re the one that went along and dated Sarah and wouldnt shut up about it to (Y/N)!I would never-I would fucking never.You dont even know what we did!We didnt even do anything-she was freaking the hell out earlier, punching herself and hitting thins.She probably smacked herself on something before I showed up but no.You didnt even think of that possibility your mind just went straight to me fucking her.Do you know why?Its because you’re jealous.You’ve always been jealous of Kelce and I and we’re fucking tired of it.”Rafe glared, waiting for Topper to throw a punch.

He didn't though,simply staring at Rafe. “You guys didn't do anything?”Topper asked.Rafe nodded, the action barely visible in the dark.This is exactly what Kelce had feared.He was always right about most things.You even accused him of being a prophet once.

“What time is it?”Topper yawned,sitting up on the couch.You shrugged,reaching for your phone and looking between the tired boys. “What time do you guys think it is?”You asked,turning on your phone and checking for yourself. “Umm....I dunno....like 9.”Rafe shrugged.You looked over to Topper,waiting for his answer. “I think its eight.”He answered,still half asleep. “Im gonna bet its 11:47.”Kelce replied,waiting for you to confirm.You glared at him. “Fuck you,propet.”You grumbled.

“But you still kissed her.You knew what you were doing and you did it right after we all made that deal.Do you just not care anymore?”Topper asked, still angry.Rafe stood there, not knowing what the correct response would be. “Right, alright.Im gonna go home, you guys have fun.”Topper went back in the house,slamming the slider door shut behind him.

Rafe opened the door, following him inside and praying to whatever god that would listen that his friend wouldnt throw a fit.Topper simply grabbed his phone, taking another sip of his soda. “Im going home.I’ll see you tomorrow.”He went to rush past you, making your heart drop.

No hug,no forehead kiss and no explanation.Something was seriously wrong. Even when he was in a bad mood he would still give you a hug and peck your forehead before he left.

“Topper-you didnt finish your food!We didnt finish the movie either!”You exclaimed,making him stop near the door and turn around. “I know, I know.I just think I should go home now, i’ll see you tomorrow.”He opened the door, about to leave when you stopped him again.

“Text me when you get home!”You shouted to him, seeing him nod quickly before closing the door behind him, getting into his car and driving off.You looked up at Rafe, the boy still standing by the slider door in a silent shock.

“What happened?”Kelce asked, looking between you and Rafe hoping for an explanation for Topper’s sudden exit.You couldn't say anything, too afraid of what would come out,instead just resting your head in your hands.

Rafe gulped, trying to figure out what to say.He didn't understand why he should have to hold his feelings back because of Topper’s feelings.It wasn't fair to you or him. “Did I miss something?”Kelce asked, still not understanding.

Rafe shrugged,sitting back down next to you at the table,looking at the empty chair that Topper had been sitting in a couple moments ago. “I don't know.Were you guys arguing about something?”You asked Rafe,turning to face him in the chair.He shifted nervously, looking away from you.That little nervous action gave you the exact answer you needed.

“Alright, lets just sleep it off and enjoy our night.It doesn't have to be ruined because Topper decided to go home,okay?”Kelce asked,eating a chicken nugget.You nodded, feeling uneasy.Topper never did this.He always hugged you before he left, he wouldnt just walk out like that.You created a new note in your phone, typing something and showing it to Rafe.

Does he know what we did?

He read the message,quickly shaking his head. “Hey,what are you guys doing?”Kelce asked,leaning across the table in attempts of seeing the phone screen.You quickly placed your phone down,looking up at your confused friend. “Nothing,Kelce.Don't worry about it.”You told him,bouncing your leg up and down.

Something was very wrong.You didnt know why you felt so sick all of a sudden or why you were shaking,snapping out of your thoughts when Rafe reached his hand across,his hand on your leg to get it to stop bouncing. “Lets take our food and finish it in the living room while we watch the movie.”Kelce suggested, already standing up.

Topper drove down the street,approaching the bridge that made him so nervous.There were two bridges on the island,the one that separated Figure Eight from The Cut and the one that was built right over a quickly flowing river that lead from one mainroad to another.

It was the quickest way for Topper to get home from your house, it wasnt his favorite way because it always cause him to be anxious but it was quicker than the twenty minute alternative path.The bridge was old and was a popular spot for drug deals and couples that were looking to write their initials somewhere.

It had been built sometime back in the sixties before the river started to rise and the current became strong.He drove slowly,his heart pounding quick.He wished that he had taken the other way but it was far too late to leave now,already half way down the bridge.

He must’ve been shaking more than he realized,everything happening quick as he lost control of the steering wheel,sending himself right through the rusting metal bars of the bridge.

Time slowed down as the car fell from the structure,hitting the cold,quick moving water.He was forced forward as the front of the car hit a large rock,smacking his head off the steering wheel,the seatbelt locking a moment after.The cold water was filling the car quick,the whole vehicle submerged,Topper trapped by his seatbelt,unconscious.

“Topper hasnt texted me.”You frowned,checking you phone for the upteenth time within that half hour.Kelce’s eyebrows furrowed,leaning his head against your shoulder. “Im sure he’s fine,maybe he’s just tired and fell asleep when he got home or something.”That was probably a very logical explanation to a normal person but to you it seemed absolutely ridiculous.

Topper would always text you when he got home.Rafe nodded,agreeing with Kelce. “I wouldnt worry to much,its Topper.What’s the worst thing that could’ve happened?”Rafe asked,none of you paying attention to the movie.

Pennywise killing and manipulating people definitely was not helping with the situation. “Im serious.I think I should call him.”You mumbled,pressing the call icon,holding the phone to your ear.No answer. “He didnt answer, something has to be wrong.”You insisted.

Kelce took out his own phone, deciding that maybe Topper was just ignoring you and Rafe for now.His thoughts were proved wrong when Topper ignored him too. “Yeah, hes probably just asleep.”Kelce put his phone away, pulling you close to him in attempts to calm you down. “Should we go to his house?”You asked,looking over at Rafe.

He decided to just pause the movie, figuring this would be a long conversation. “He’s asleep, (Y/N).If we go there we’ll have to throw rocks at his window so he’ll wake up, its not like any of us can drive there.”He reminded you.You shrugged, feeling Kelce’s hand grip yours,his thumb rubbing circles. “Do you think he’s mad at me?”You asked, hoping that that wasnt the case.

Rafe shook his head, throwing the thought of that out the window. “He has no reason to be.He might be mad at me-he’s definitely mad at me but he’ll be over it by tomorrow.He’ll probably call in the morning, it’ll be fine.”Rafe forced a smile on his face.

You just had to hope he was right, leaning into Kelce,your arms around his torso.You noticed a look of jealousy on Rafe’s face, understanding why but choosing to ignore it.The way Kelce was shaped made him very easy to hug and cuddle with,his sweatshirt smelling like McDonalds and cologne.

“Lets watch something that’s not scary.”Kelce grabbed the tv remote,exiting out of the movie before either you or Rafe could fight him. “I vote that we watch Victorious.”You looked up at Kelce as he flipped through different options.He looked over to Rafe, silently asking for his opinion.

Rafe gave him a nod,watching as Kelce’s fingers twirled your hair,grazing over your temple and cheek as he pushed it past your shoulder,beginning to braid it.The first episode of Victorious was playing.You were sure by now that you had seen the entirety of the show at least twenty times.

You had listened to the soundtrack even more than that, Kelce being the one who insisted that you listen to it. “What time are you guys leaving tomorrow?”You asked,eyes glued to the tv.Kelce sighed, not wanting to think about the fact that he had to spend the whole day with three of his cousins.

“Maybe like….10.”Kelce answered, knowing that you probably wouldnt be awake at that time.You looked over to Rafe,waiting for his answer. “I dunno….I should probably be there early so Ward isnt waiting for me at the door.He’s gonna be up my ass all day.”He had seen all the texts from both Ward and Rose on his phone.

They were furious.It didnt really matter though, the worst they would do is yell at him.They couldnt really ground him, he was an adult anyways. “Sorry.”You muttered.Rafe grinned,shaking his head. “Dont worry about it,that party was stupid anyways.I swear to god I thought there was gonna be a fight between Mavis and Eleanor.”He chuckled,earning a smile from Kelce.

“Imagine that, the two of them just hitting each other with their canes.What would they fight about?Like,how dare you take my pie recipe and claim it as yours you old rat!”Kelce tried to sound old,his voice squeaky like he had a bad cold.

You laughed,messing up the braids Kelce was trying to do in your hair. “Or like, my grandson is prettier than yours and they have the same father!”He continued,glad he could make you laugh when you had been so stressed.Your eyes widened,sitting up.

“Wait,do their grandsons actually have the same dad or are you fucking with me?”You asked, unable to tell if he was joking or not.Kelce shrugged. “I mean, Im just saying that they look similar.Rafe,stop laughing and listen.Im just saying ive never seen Owen’s dad in the same room with Joshua’s dad.Have you?”He asked, his tone becoming serious.

You thought back to all the parties and events you had been forced to go to,trying to think if you had ever noticed either of the boys.They were two years younger than you and your boys meaning that you had never really had to pay attention to them at all, always caught up trying to beat Topper in virtual cup pong.It was one of the few virtual games that he was actually good at.

“You know,I dont think I have.”You admitted, giving into his theory.Rafe rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “There’s no way, doesnt Joshua’s dad live with him?”He asked, trying his best to remember.Kelce bit the inside of his cheek, about to answer when you spoke up. “He could be living a double life!People do that sometimes.”You reminded him.Kelce shrugged, trying to think of more ways to prove his theory.

Topper’s eyes opened again when the water was up to his knees.All he could see was black,his legs feeling numb from the cold,his left arm hurting like it had never hurt before.He cursed,trying to unbuckle his seatbelt but to no avail,the material digging into his neck and the car swaying from the tough current.

He reached for his phone that had ended up in the cupholder, only then noticing the blood coming from his sore arm.He chose to ignore it,dialing 911 as fast as he could,tears streaming down his face.If only he had taken the other way home.

“911,whats the emergency?”A feminine voice asked,hearing his shallow breaths from the other end of the phone. “My car- I drove into Crescent River-The water is in my car.”His voice sounded like he was drunk,probably because he had bit through the tip of his tongue when he crashed. “What’s your name?”The woman asked, sending everyone to the river to search for the car.

“Topper-please tell Rafe that im sorry!Tell (Y/N) that I love her!Please-fuck im gonna die.”He began sobbing, knowing that he’d never see you or Rafe or Kelce ever again.He wouldnt be able to apologize for all the dumb shit he had done over the years.

He was going to die because he and Rafe got into an argument about you.He couldve laughed.It was funny how the universe worked. “Topper, you’re gonna be just fine.Help is on the way.Can you break the window?”The dispatch asked.Topper tried to move,everything blurry.The rush of water filling the car was loud,the cold liquid now up to his chest.

“Somethings wrong with the seatbelt!Im stuck-I cant move.I cant fucking move and the water is so cold and I cant move….god please just tell my friends that im sorry.”He cried, lifting his head up so he was staring at the ceiling of the car,getting as much air as he could before the car would be completely full.

“Topper, you can tell them yourself.Help is on the way, please stay on the call.”She waited for Topper to say something else, for any sign that he hadnt drowned only to hear the sound of static before the call cut out.

“Are you guys tired yet?”You asked the boys,pulling a blanket up to your chest,still in Kelce’s lap. “No, im not going to bed until this dumbass admits that he’s wrong.”Kelce insisted, annoyed by Rafe. “Im just saying the I never saw JFK’s son when he was younger and Matt Dillon in the same room.”Rafe repeated it for the third time,still not being helpful.

“Because they werent friends!”You shouted at him, Rafe flicking your forehead. “You cant be friends with yourself!Now listen.13 bloodlines of the illuminati,right?Right.So they discover time travel so JFK’s son assassinates his dad because he couldnt support his passion for acting,right?So then he goes back in time in a different time line to become an actor and change his name to Matt Dillon.Its just like Spiderverse!”Rafe exclaimed, trying to get you guys to believe him.

You shook your head,looking back up to the tv. “Rafe, did you even pay attention to Spiderverse?”You asked, making him finally shut up. “Wait, I want to watch conspiracy theories now.”Kelce mumbled,his fingertips now tapping against your hip.You handed him the remote, letting him put on top ten craziest conspiracy theories.

When the ambulances,cop cars, fire trucks and rescue trucks showed up Topper had been without air for nearly two minutes.The lights of his car were dim but they were luckily able to spot it,sending the divers down.They were in full gear,helmet and radio included.

There were two divers,seeing that the glass had given out and smashed,some of the glass causing small cuts over Toppers body.The were able to get the car door open,cutting off the seatbelt,telling Schoope through the radio that they had gotten him,fire fighters waiting for them to bring his body up,handing him into the arms of the fire captain who then got him onto a stretcher,letting the EMT’s take him.His arm was bent in all sorts of ways,a large cut at his hairline,blood still flowing from his mouth.

“You guys believe in the moon landing, right?”You asked,moving in Kelce’s lap so you could see both him and Rafe.Kelce was hesitant to answer, not knowing what to think after watching that last theory.Rafe bit the inside of his cheek, making you groan.

“Really?”You asked, checking the time to see that it was already two in the morning. “Hey, im gonna go upstairs to sleep.Will you guys stay in the guest rooms?”You asked,sitting up with the blanket around your shoulders, cold despite the fact that you were wearing Topper’s hoodie.

“Why?”Kelce asked, letting out a loud,dramatic yawn. “Because the door is right there and so is the window...at least in the other rooms it’ll take longer for them to kill us.”You explained, grabbing your phone off the table.

“Alright, im setting alarms for 8,8:30,9 and 9:30.”Kelce announced,setting them in his clock app.You sighed,knowing that his alarms would probably wake you up as well. “For why?”You asked,already at the end of the staircase. “So I can make you guys breakfast.”He answered in a tone that made you feel dumb, almost like the answer was so obvious.

“You dont have to.”You replied, knowing that that wouldnt change anything.He shrugged,not really caring.Rafe turned off the tv,standing up and stretching out his limbs,almost touching the ceiling.You laid down in your bed after saying goodnight to them, your eyes wandering to the closet,to the window,to under the bed.

The fact that somebody had probably been in your room without you even knowing freaked you out.You turned on the flashlight on your phone,keeping it on as you scrolled through tik tok.That was probably an even worse idea since your entire for you page consisted of serial killer facts because of you liking too many Criminal Minds videos.

Eventually you decided to just go and sit in the bathroom,just so you could be anywhere else but your bedroom.You sat on the toilet,checking if Topper had been active on Snapchat,Instagram or Tumblr.Nothing.That was very unlike him even if he had been tired and fallen asleep as soon as he got home.

After twenty minutes of sitting on your toilet you decided that you couldnt go back to your bedroom.It was too creepy.So here you were,tiptoeing across the floor of your own house to one of the guest rooms at the end of the hall,knowing that’s where Rafe was.

You let out a soft sigh,carefully opening the door. “Rafe.”You called out to him softly.You could barely make out his figure on the bed,arms and legs spread out like a starfish.You sighed,deciding not to bother him.

You used your flashlight as you made your way down the hall,opening Kelce’s door. “Hey,Kelce.”You whispered,seeing him move,eventually sitting up and squinting,trying to figure out what was going on.

“(Y/N)?”He asked,trying to make sure that you were you and not some imposter.You let out a quiet sigh of relief,entering the room and closing the door behind you. “Hi.”You answered,sitting at the end of the bed. “Are you okay?”He asked,turning on his own flashlight,flipping his phone so the screen was against the mattress,the small light making it so he could see you.

“Yeah,cant sleep in my room.Can I sleep in here?”You asked.He tried to hide how happy he was,nodding. “Yeah,yeah thats fine.”he patted the spot next to him,grinning as you slid under the covers,your arm falling over his torso,head against his back as you closed your eyes.He eventually turned on his side so he could face you and you could get more comfortable,holding him like a koala,your head resting on his shoulder.

You couldnt remember anything after that which meant that you had fallen asleep clinging to your friend.You woke up when Kelce got off the bed,leaving a frown on your face. “Go back to sleep.”He whispered to you.

When they got Topper ot the hospital they were still trying to find out how bad his injuries were.He was still knocked out,eyes twitching every few moments as he was rushed down the hall and into surgery to fix his mangled arm,removing the glass that had been lodged deep inside his leg.They were glad to find that none of his injuries were fatal despite him being technically dead for 15 seconds when they had first got him out of the river.

It was determined that he had a pretty nasty concussion that would take a good couple of months until it was completely healed.The surgeon had to stitch the long cut on his hairline shut,bringing it forward ever so slightly.They had noticed his medical records,calling his mother to tell her about the horrible accident.

“Is the car okay?”She had asked,making the nurse who had called frown and tell her no,the car was definitely not okay. “Unfortunately im in California so I cant be there.Maybe just give his little girlfriend a call.”She suggested carelessly,not even bothering to ask about the condition her son was in.

Something about the way she said it sounded like she was disgusted by the idea of you.Almost like a child talking about vegetables.The nurse had asked for the number of his girlfriend,his mother reading off yours that she had stashed in her phone just in case of emergency.

When you woke up you were warm and comfortable,seeing two texts.One was from Kelce to let you know that he had left and that eggs and bacon were on the stove.The other was from Rafe telling you that he had left and got home safely.

He probably only texted you that because he had seen how worried you were when Topper hadnt.You checked your snapchat notifications,seeing that you had lost your 785 day streak with him.That really made you upset,knowing that it would take two years to get it to that point again.

You sent out your streaks,getting up with a loud yawn,stumbling as you made your way downstairs and into the kitchen,a shiver running up your spine from the cold tile.A glass plate sat on the stove,a layer of tinfoil covering it.

You peeled off the foil,placing the plate in the microwave when your phone rang.Your heartbeat picked up,hoping that it was Topper calling to tell you that he was sorry for nto calling you last night and that he was perfectly fine,frowning when you saw that it was an unknown number.

“Hello?”You asked,hoping that it wasnt gonna be ghost face on the other end. “Um...is this Topper Thornton’s girlfriend?”the voice asked.You frowned,looking around your kitchen.You had no idea who it could be or why they would think your were Topper’s girlfriend but you decided to go with it anyways,saying yes.

There was a pause before the woman spoke again. “Im sorry to inform you but your boyfriend drove into Crescent River last night.He’s got an awful concussion and a severely broken arm as well as 12 stitches.He’s currently at Kildare Hospital if you’d like to come see him.”The woman explained.

And just then everything was over.You were always terrified of getting a call like this.That Rafe had overdosed at a party or that Kelce had been hit with a golf club to the head.But you never thought it would happen.

You felt like you couldnt breath,your hand gripping the phone so hard that you thought it might crack.You didnt know how you would get to the hospital.Rafe was at home and would take too long to get to your house,Kelce was at his cousin’s house on the complete opposite side of the island.

You knew what you had to do,grabbing your keys that had stayed in the junk drawer for the past two years,a layer of dust covering the metal.You rushed out of your house with nothing but your keys and phone,not bothering to slip on pants or even grab your bag,going into your garage in a rush.

You couldnt even remember turning on the car engine,speeding out of your driveway and leaving a trail of black marks,driving straight to the hospital.The car smelt like stale doritos for a reason that you couldnt understand.

The last time you had used this car or even drove was back when you were seventeen and nearly passed out while you were driving,too scared to try it again.It didnt matter now,your foot not leaving the gas pedal,hands gripping the steering wheel so hard that your fingers hurt,pulling into a random parking spot at the hospital,not even checking your parking job.

You held your phone and your keys in the same hand,sprinting and nearly getting hit by another car in the process,gasping for air when you reached the front desk. “I-I need to see Topper Thornton.”You spoke quickly,almost coughing.

The nurse’s eyes widened,realizing that you were the girl she had spoken to on the phone. “(Y/N)?”She asked,wanting to be sure before she told you what was important.You nodded,wanting this to be over so she’d tell you what room you needed to go to.

“He said on the 911 call that he wanted you to know that he loved you and that he wanted Rafe to know thay he was sorry,I thought you should know.He’s up in room 234,2nd floor just two doors down.”She told you,a sympathetic look in her eyes.

You didnt think too much about it,running up the staircases because taking the elevator would waste time.You glanced at the rooms,trying to remember if she had said if the room was on the left or on the right.You found the room after a few seconds,preparing yourself before opening the door.

The lights were dim,the tv off.And then there was Topper,looking like he was dead.His left arm was put in a cast from his mid bicep to his hand,bent so the it was at a ninety degree angle and wresting on his stomach.

A few pieces of hair had fallen over the dark blue stitches that kept his skull from being visible,his eyes closed.An oxygen tube settled at his nose,multiple IV’s in his right arm,the heart monitor keeping a steady beat.

You were grateful for that,watching the lines move up and down,memorizing the sound of the beeping.You sent Rafe and Kelce text messages,telling them what had happened,deciding to keep the words that Topper had said to the dispatch to yourself for now.

After a long twenty minutes of sitting there a nurse came in,surprised to see you. “He should be waking up soon.Are you his spouse?”She asked,writing down something on a clipboard.You nodded,still keeping up with the lie figuring that it was the only way you’d be allowed to stay in the room with him.

“Alright,he should wake up any moment,hun.”She smiled at you before leaving the room,closing the door quietly behind her.You rolled your eyes,figuring that she had spoken that sentence five other times today and that she didnt actually care about you or Topper.

You found yourself scooting your seat closer to the hospital bed,running your fingertips along the palm of his good arm.His eyes slowly opened,shutting again for a moment,slowly adjusting.

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tigerdrop · 4 years

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hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

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preciousmomentsfigurine · 3 years

Text

i became close with someone over the summer - someone ive known for years but only recently got to know well and we quickly hit it off, were total kindred spirits, both kinda intense people, have lots of fun together - and we spent a couple (a few? idk) months hanging out often (every weekend at least), texting often, sending each other memes, typical close friends interactions at a typical close friends frequency. shes a good friend and i trust her and love her.

however i havent seen her in like a month, and shes been extremely distant. it happened very suddenly so i immediately noticed. im certain its not me or anything i did. im way too obsessively self aware to a fault (socially anxious, self deprecating) to not realize it if i did something hurtful or sloppy, for one; and two, i know shes a brooding type of person and can be a little closed off at times; plus shes got her own struggles as we all do and certainly everyone im close to does so i can see her likely isolating herself.

even though i know its not personal, my feelings are hurt. i keep reaching out - to hang out, to see how shes doing, to share things with her, etc. these days i am hardly getting a response, and if i do, its way after the fact with an excuse for the delay. i feel shut out, and like less than an afterthought tbh.

i understand the hermit mode method of coping with emotional troubles better than anyone, but my other friends and i maintain enough communication due to mutual love and care for one another to vocalize whats going on and take accountability however that looks, even when its not comfortable. we have patience and grace with one another but it doesnt go completely unaddressed.

ive been told by mutual friends she can be like this, holing up with her partner and going ghost, but its the first time ive experienced it and thats not something im accustomed to from my close friends. to be honest, i worry about the friendship going forward bc of this. even though i empathize (as much as i can, considering i dont know whats actually going on), i feel rejected and a bit resentful tbh. ive done everything i can to check on her and make sure shes alright, let her know im thinking of her and miss her. nothing.

just saying all this bc i wanted to vent...again, this is far from the norm for my other close relationships, at least for this long. so im totally puzzled on how to proceed :[

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babysizedfics · 4 years

Note

Hey, when you're not on a pre-upload post limit, so you can post freely again, may i request some soft Papa Pat, cuz hes underappreciated, n we dont talk about him enough?

doing this now because i need som soft patton content ASAP and you all do too you just don't know you do

first of all chubby beefy patton is being slept on too much!! his chub is perfect for cuddles and his strength is perfect for picking up every member of his family

yes im looking at logan

he already had so much information about everyone saved in his head about peoples favourite foods and their favourite type of physical contact and the music that relaxes them most and where their worst tickle spots are

so he's like scientifcally already set up to be an amazing caregiver

because he already knows that roman needs to listen to upbeat music to be able to actually relax so it's not much of a change of pace to put on dora the explorer party tracks instead of the usual pop rock music

and he already knows that stroking virgils hair can distract him from anxious thoughts so its not that big a deal that when he does it now virgil is sitting in his lap instead of awkwardly leaning against his legs on the floor like he used to do

when roman became a voluntary little patton did not question it at all

he had no idea what age dreaming was, he only knew about age regression to the extent which virgil experienced it so there was no idea in his head that people might do it for fun and be fully aware of that decision

logan wasn't against it but he was slightly confused and skeptical

but there was absolutely no barrier between patton hearing roman say that and accepting it completely and i just think thats so telling of how empathetic he is

he helps roman brush his teeth because roman tends to forget and/or rush through it because it's not enough input for his brain to not be bored

and patton makes it fun for roman, they dance along with the brushes, like when roman does the up and down strokes they bob up and down and when he has to reach the bottom molars they shake their booties

hahshshs thats so fun omg

when patton is taking care of vee there is literally nothing in his brain except I am Papa I must Protect my Baby

he is incredibly attentive, and yeah sometimes it's not exactly healthy and he can become overbearing and sometimes it makes roman feel left out, and this will all be developped and addressed

but that attentiveness is exactly what virgil needed when it was just him and patton at first

you've seen how young virgil is when he's regressed, and how important it is that he has someone looking after him

his regression has been like that all of his life, plus he has regressed almost everyday since he moved in with the light side family (5 years roughly) - i think we need to understnd how lonely and scary that must have been for him cobsidering how young his headspace is

so patton becoming his caregiver and being instantly so attentive and gentle with him has really helped to make up for all those years of him having to deal with it on his own

patton isn't too good at playing games, he doesnt like coming up with ideas in romans make believe games because he wants to let his little prince do whatever he wants to do, and he's awful at any and all video games but he still plays kingdom hearts with roman and cheers for him and laughs with joy even when his own character has died for the fifteenth time in ten minutes

the boys know patton is always going to be available no matter what, when theyre little or big, even though neither of them are very good at being honest with their feelings but on the rare occasions they are going to admit a tricky feeling then patton is the first one to hear it

one day he was super busy trying to fix the washing machine and he had tools everywhere and had banged his wrist so many times it was growing a bump and his back was seizing as he kept having to lean inside the drum

and he was honestly a bit angry and grumbly and red in the face from the frustration and the heat in the laundry room and he wasnt in a good mood at all

but then he heard a shaky 'dad?' from behind him

and even though he jumped and banged his head on the metal and it stung SO BAD he didnt let anything show on his face other than complete open kindness when he looked to the door to see virgil stood in the doorway with tears in his eyes

'stormcloud whats the matter?' he asked really softly

'it's dumb' 'not if its upsetting you'

and patton pulled him into his arms and swayed him and let him vent about a disasterous scenario that was replaying over and over in his head (about logan and roman never coming back from their shopping trip that day)

pat helped him through the breathing exercises first then the grounding exercises then vee regressed and patton abandoned his chores to take care of him for a few hours

and the washing machine remained broken that day and patton had to wash everyone's clothes by hand in the bath and he was up much too late and was far too exhausted and it took even longer to fix it the next day but he didnt care a single bit because he was there for his son when he needed patton and thats all that mattered to him

#i dont know how i feel about these my brain is mush #i wish i had more fluffy stuff but i have big feelings about emotional patton stuff today #little/big concepts #ugh im really not happy with this post idk #cg patton #asks #anon

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tartagliaxx · 4 years

Note

hm, why do i have a weird feeling that you're gonna be very cautious of every link that i give to you? honestly, that's probably not a bad decision lololol

also, here's a song that rlly reminds me of my nonexistent childhood. there's english captions btw. it makes me weirdly nostalgic even though i'm not exactly 'old' yet. pinky promise that it's not another rick roll or a blessed cursed video that randomly popped up in my recommendations :))

— r. anon

clickable link for the last ask here!

* * *

i mean... even if i was wary (in which case, i am), i would still click on the links bc i trust people too much and hello?? it’s you?? how can i not? on the other hand, that song is on my uh ‘when i need to write angst’ playlist and one of my favorites from kenshi yonezu. it hits different when you read the lyrics but when i’m just vibing to it, it still hits bc the melody and idk... the feelings reach you regardless. it’s bittersweet almost and im just... sobbing.

stonehide lawachurls? is that one of the new challenges? i havent tried it out yet but it sounds like a drag. honestly the shooting game is the one i liked the most bc it almost serves as target practice for venti. as you know, i am a newly converted pc player from mobile and archery in mobile is... ehe. and the gliding one. ugh. i suck at gliding and im not very good at choosing which way to go. the rhythm one is fun too. i didn’t play osu on pc so it took a bit to figure out how to control but ig piano lessons helped me calm down and match beats. honestly, i just top the scores i need to get the rewards and stop. i havent really tried beating highscores yet bc i was doing the hangouts yesterday.

i think im good w the games? they are pretty easy when you get the hang of it but istg i can’t do barrage minuet. i mean i can but i cant dodge all of it which is what i need to fully do all the things in the first list. do u wanna co-op the mini-games? it sounds fun to play w someone.

honestly same! this is the first weekend i didn’t need to worry about passing smth and it really feels liberating. like i actually have control over my life and i can freely do the things i love to do w/o worrying abt anything. the feeling you get abt being anxious bc you dont have anything to be anxious about? felt and valid. im so used to worrying abt missing smth bc i feel too free but ive been so overworked that i can barely care rn. ig thats just proof that we hold so much anxiety in us. i hope you took this time to rest and rejuvenate regardless!

it’s actually a holiday here today so no classes. just more hours spent on genshin, farming and farming.

i watched that before (a bop btw) and pls?? kaeya?? good boy?? diluc?? bad boy?? no ❤️

#lei.answers #withlove.r

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semiconducting · 4 years

Text

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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solace-sun · 4 years

Text

Not The Typical Way You Meet a Soulmate Chapter Two (Solangelo)

Over the years, Nico had become best friends with Gatorade, Pedialyte, and Ibuprofen, especially after nights like last. Nico used these like shields against his hangovers, but every so often he'd find himself in a drought of Gatorade, or maybe he would get too drunk to remember to hydrate himself. Either way, he always had to face the headache of a hangover once in a while; it was the price he had to pay for his fun.

He regained consciousness on his twin size mattress, with a dim and blurry recollection of the night before. Highlighted in his memory, however, remained Will's impression, his blonde locks, and careful blue eyes. The image made Nico's stomach do flips, but then again, that could just be his hangover.

Blinking the sleep from his eyes, he became acutely aware of the piercing pain through his skull, the shakes that came in waves from his core, and the faint sense of nausea rising from his throat. He still wore last night's clothes, which now hung awkwardly off his frame; too tight in all the wrong areas and too loose in others.

He felt like shit.

The more awake he was, the more conscious he grew, the grosser he felt. Wrapping an arm around himself, he pretended to be anywhere but the present, wishing he was somewhere other than his besides his shoddy apartment, but the hammering pain in his head made it hard to focus. He ended up closing his eyes and wishing, praying, he could go back to sleep.

Maybe Nico enjoyed the drunken buzz he'd get at parties, but he never came to welcome the pounding hangover that followed. He never learned to embrace the feeling of a twisted gut or headaches like sledgehammers in his skull.

Unfortunately for Nico, last night's wrath didn't stop with a hangover, he wasn't that lucky. Last night's vengeance was about to enter for round two through the door of Nico's room, in the form of a very unhappy Hazel Levesque.

The door flew open, slamming against the wall behind it.

"Nico!" She shouted, "What the fuck man?"

Well, shit. She's mad about something.

Nico rubbed a sleepy eye awake, "Hazel... Please be quiet. My head hurts," He groaned.

"It's because you're hungover, isn't it?" She accused, "Whatever, that doesn't even matter right now. You got in a fight with someone at the party last night?"

"Who told you?" Nico asked, coercing himself to raise up.

"My friend who hosted the damn party, dipshit!"

"Hazel, I didn't even touch the dude. I would hardly call it a fight. Could you please leave me alone?"

"My friend has a hole in his drywall now! You can't keep starting shit at parties or pissing off people, or getting so drunk you can't remember what happened."

"I remember last night. I didn't blackout," Nico reasoned.

"That's a first. How long has it been since that last happened?" Hazel chided, pinching the bridge of her nose "Actually, no. Don't answer that. I'm gonna be late for class. I'll talk to you when I get home."

She spun out of the room and gathered her things. Before leaving, she called to him from the front door.

"I'm still mad at you still, but I love you!" Her tone was detesting, but Nico could appreciate the sentiment. He laid back, boring holes into the ceiling until his interest became fatigued.

After the ceiling had lost its appeal, he decided that maybe it was time to face the day. He rolled over to check his phone, stretching to reach it where it lay charging.

A text from Will was left in his notifications.

Will: Glad you made it home okay :)

Nico couldn't help the smile that crept onto his face. He began to type out a response.

Nico: hey i just wanted to say thanks for walking me home last night

Nico: oh and also for not letting my shit get kicked in by a lacrosse player who was a foot taller than me

Will: Lol it was no problem, just returning the favor

Will: How's ur day been so far?

Nico: i mean i just woke up hungover, so not all that great :/

Will: I'm sorry to hear that dude! You know, they say a good breakfast is the best hangover cure

Nico: well thats unfortunate, all i have at my house for breakfast is pop tarts

Will: Are you serious?

Will: Let me take you to breakfast, I'll buy

Will: Call it the final pay back for everything that you did for me yesterday

Nico: i thought walking me home yesterday was payback? not saying im gonna refuse a free breakfast tho

Will: Walking you home was for the party, breakfast can be for the groceries

Nico: will you don't have to do that

Will: I know! I just wanted to show my appreciation :)

Will: There's a cafe I was thinking of. It's usually pretty quiet, and won't be too noisy. I can send you the address and meet you there in 35 minutes?

Nico: alright, see you there

Nico peeled himself from the hold of his twin-sized mattress. He shuffled to a pile of clothes that resided on the floor, scouring for something that wasn't yesterday's clothes to wear. He slipped on a sweatshirt and pulled the hood on; it was a hood-up kind of day. Before he left he swiped a pair of sunglasses laying on his nightstand, his last hope to buffer his headache from the sober world.

He came to find that it didn't help much.

His groggy walk brought him to the cafe doors earlier than he had anticipated, leaving him to anticipate Will's arrival. He stood idly at the cafe entrance with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his shoulders hunched. His head still pounded, and the talking of strangers passing by became sirens in his head. He had to remind himself this was all worth it for free breakfast.

Just before his waiting turned to worry, Will approached from down the street. The grasp around Nico's anxious heart subsided as he saw the familiar face.

"How are things going man!" He asked as he pulled the cafe door open with his good arm.

Nico couldn't ignore the headache piercing his skull, "Things could be better," he shrugged.

"Hey, once we get a little bit of breakfast, I'm sure things will get much better."

The inside of the cafe treated Nico's hangover much better than the outside had. The cool air and quiet atmosphere were exactly what he needed that morning. He silently thanked Will for being kind of a genius.

As soon as the two settled into their seats, Nico let his head lay on the table. Will gave him a sympathetic smile.

"That bad, huh?" He asked. Nico only nodded in response.

"Let me order for you. I know exactly what will help you out, dude."

"I will do anything, as long as it gets rid of this headache," Nico groaned as he propped himself up, resting his head on his hands, "Thanks for offering me breakfast."

"Thanks for carrying my groceries for me," Will grinned.

Before long, a waitress sauntered over, placing a pitcher of ice water and two cheap plastic cups in front of the two. She asked for their orders, of which Will ordered for the two of them.

Nico tuned their conversation out, getting lost in the scene outside their window. He watched the cars pass by, his eyes hidden by his sunglasses.

Will pushed a cup of water towards him to reel him back into the present.

"You need to rehydrate," he prompted. Nico did as he was told, and took small sips from the cup.

"How's your day been so far?" Nico asked.

"Pretty good. Though, I feel bad saying that to your face," Will joked. Nico shot him a look Will could see even through the dark glasses.

Will chuckled, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He put his hands up in defeat.

"How was the rest of the party?" Nico asked.

"Honestly? I didn't stay much longer after you went home. I checked in with my friends to make sure they were fine then called it a night. Guess it was just kinda boring without you there, starting fights and all."

Nico covered his face with his hands, "God, don't remind me about that," he grumbled.

"What? I thought it was sweet," Will responded.

"Yeah, I don't know," Nico started, "Drunk me thought I was doing something great, but my sister totally chewed me out for it this morning."

"Why?"

"I guess she's friends with the guy who hosted the party... And he's not too thrilled to have a hole in his wall, which could technically be my fault? I don't know," He explained.

"Oh, does your sister go to school?" Will asked.

"Yeah, she's a freshman, studies early education."

"Oh, that's cool," Will engaged. Then his eyebrows furrowed, and his expression became confused, "Can I ask a question?"

"That depends. What's the question?" Nico's tone was apprehensive.

"How come you don't go to school?"

Before Nico had the chance to respond, the waitress had returned and plates were being unloaded on the table in front of him. He looked down at the mystery meal Will had ordered for him.

"What the fuck is this?" Nico exclaimed, "Is this spinach in my breakfast?"

"Oh my god," Will rolled his eyes, "You know, everything on that plate is what they recommend you eat to get rid of a hangover."

"Okay, you know what? Fine. I'll eat your weird healthy breakfast, only because it's gonna make me not feel like my brain is trying to rot inside my skull."

He grabbed at a fork and stabbed his omelette with it, and took a bite.

"Oh shit," He spoke behind a mouthful of food.

"What?" Will gave a concerned look, glancing up from his own breakfast.

"This is actually really good," Nico admitted why a shy smile.

"See? It's not that bad. And it's good for you."

"Will," Nico began, "I want you to look at me in the eyes, and recall everything you know about me, which, granted, isn't a lot," He paused to take another bite of food, "And ask yourself if I really seem like the type of person who cares about which foods are good for me or not."

Will raised his eyebrows. For a second, Nico thought he had offended him, but Will erupted into that contagious laughter of his. Nico joined in, giving in to the pull of the laughter.

Will shook his head, his chuckles slowing to a stop, "Man, I guess you're right."

Will looked at Nico and smiled. Nico glanced back, if only for a second, and reciprocated the grin.

Then he felt the phone in his pocket buzzing. He reached down into his pocket and gave a quick 'sorry give me a second' to Will before answering.

"Hello?"

"Nico! Are you gonna show up for your shift? I've told you before man, you gotta give me notice if you're gonna be late."

Shit.

It was his manager.

"I wasn't on the schedule for today, I thought," Nico defended. Will looked up from his plate and gave a concerned look.

"Should have double-checked, I needed you here thirty minutes ago."

Shiiiiiit.

"Okay. I'll be there as soon as possible,"

"How long is that going to be?" His manager's voice rang through the phone.

"I don't know... I'm not at home right now, and I'm walking so... It could be twenty-five minutes. I'm so sorry, I didn't know I had a shift today."

"Do whatever you can to get here, I need your ass down here now. We're having a rush and we're understaffed."

"Right, okay. See you in a few," Nico responded, and ended the call.

"Do you gotta go?" Will asked, disappointment hidden in his tone.

Nico pursed his lips, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea I was on the schedule, but I gotta go now or I am so fucking fired."

"Do you need a ride?"

"Will, no, I can't ask you to do that. You're already paying for my meal," Nico explained.

"Nico, it's totally fine! I don't mind at all," Will insured, "I picked up my car from the shop yesterday, so we're good to go!"

Nico's brows furrowed while he contemplated the offer. After a moment, he agreed.

"I'm only accepting because I needed to be there, like, 30 minutes ago," Nico said, as he began to pack his things and leave. Will left a pile of cash that would cover the bill plus tip, and the two hurried out of the restaurant, and towards Will's beat up SUV.

When Nico walked through the back door of his restaurant job, he was met with several pissed coworkers and his manager.

"He finally shows up!" his coworker, Jason, exclaimed.

"About fuckin' time!" another employee called out. Nico ignored his coworkers teasing, and snatched his uniform from his locker, and threw it on, trying to smooth the wrinkles out while tugging on the sleeve. He clocked in, and rushed to the front of the house, to take his position.

As he sped to his spot, he bumped into his manager, whose only words were a muttered 'glad you could make it.' Nico gave a shy smile and grabbed a handful of menus before settling at his stand.

Working at a five-star restaurant was kind of like maintaining a well oiled machine -- if well oiled machines could be a dysfunctional team that somehow maintained the image of perfection on the surface. It was a stressful job, but it paid decently, all things considered, and sometimes Nico even liked his coworkers. In the very least, they were usually tolerable.

But today, Nico was up against the edge, still half hungover, and in the middle of a rush, he wished he could still be enjoying Will's company. Something about Will made his heart feel still.

Despite his longing to be elsewhere, Nico was, unfortunately, stuck at his job, taking the orders of people who didn't know mediocre, overpriced food if it hit them in the face. His least favorite part of the job was the customers, but then again, Nico was fairly sure if you asked any food service worker, they would say the same thing.

This rang especially true today. He was getting a headache (And no, it wasn't just the remnant of his hangover) listening to an older woman complain about her food. He had tried to tune her out maybe five minutes into the lecture about why her food sucked, and why she deserved a refund with a complimentary meal, but he could still hear the echo of her nasally voice through his dissociative state. After the lady finished her spiel, Nico resumed his customer service voice and assured her she would be satisfied with a new meal, per company policy, and left the table.

He walked into the kitchen, ready to announce that he was going on break when his coworker slammed into him. Now, if his coworker had been empty handed, maybe everything would have been fine. But she wasn't, instead, she had been carrying out a meal, which was now plastered all over Nico's white, formal uniform.

Are you fucking kidding me?

"Oh my god! I am so sorry!" She exclaimed. Nico could feel the frustration and annoyance bubbling in his chest, rising up his throat. He shut his eyes, and inhaled, reopening his eyes as he exhaled.

"I am going on break," He spoke in monotone, attempting to disguise any anger in his voice. He dragged himself out back, and slumped onto a crate to sit on. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

Today's shift fucking sucked.

He pulled out his phone. In his notifications was a text from Will. The anger and frustration that held Nico's heart began to loosen its grasp.

Will: How's work? Hope you haven't been fired yet lol

Nico: not fired yet, just got angry looks from my coworkers for being 40 minutes late during a rush

Nico: maybe it's deserved though, it'd be pretty mad if i were them

Will: I mean, in your defense you didn't know about your shift, and you seemed like you genuinely felt bad so I wouldn't beat yourself up too badly :)

Nico: thanks, haha

Will: Quick question, do you have a ride home?

Nico: no i usually just walk home

Will: Do you want a ride? I'd feel bad if I just dropped you off with no way to get back home

Nico: you can't keep doing favors for me like this

Nico: I get off late anyway, you probably wouldn't want to drive around by the time I get off

Will: What time is your shift over?

Nico: uh

Nico: seven

Will: That's not even late

Nico: i don't need a ride, i'll be fine, i promise

Nico: thanks for the offer tho

Will: I will take it as a personal offense if you don't accept this offer, Nico

Nico: dont tell me that

Nico: like seriously though, i can't let you do this

Will: I feel bad just dropping you off like that!

Nico: i walk home all the time, its okay! i promise

Will: How often do you walk home hungover?

Nico: i mean, im not even hungover anymore so

Nico: but now that you've offered, it would be nice not to walk home for once

Nico: im only agreeing because you're practically begging me at this point

Will: I'll be waiting out back at 6:50 ;)

Nico shook his head and smiled, replacing the phone in his pocket.

As he smiled to himself, the back door swung open. Jason peered his head from around the door. He gave Nico a funny look.

"I don't think I've seen you smile before," He paused to think, "Ever."

"Oh, come on," Nico protested, "That's not fair."

"What's got you so happy? Surely not work, not after the shift you're having," Jason commented.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Nico taunted Jason.

"Don't be like that," Jason chastised, "Anyhow, boss wanted me to tell you that he wants you back inside, it's starting to get busy again."

"Tell him I'll be back out there in five minutes. Also, do you have a spare shirt I can borrow?" Nico asked, gesturing down to the mess that was now staining his shirt.

"I was just about to offer you my spare shirt. It's in my locker, let me go get it," Jason replied, holding the door open for Nico. He followed Jason inside as the heavy door slammed behind the two.

The rest of Nico's shift didn't improve by much, but at least he had something to look forward to. By the end of his shift, he never felt so welcomed by his hoodie and casual clothes, that hung loosely off his frame rather than the suffocating hug his work uniform gave him.

Clocking out was the best part of his day.

He walked out back, shoving the door out of the way and giving a curt goodbye to his coworkers. Will's car idled in the back alley behind the restaurant, awaiting his arrival. Will waved when he saw Nico emerge from the building.

"Hey, Nico!" Will exclaimed as Nico pulled the car door open.

"Hey Will," Nico started, "Thanks again for picking me up. I know I resisted at first, but like, I'm actually so glad I agreed. Would have been pissed if I were walking home right now."

"Man I don't know how you do it, walking every day" Will agreed.

"I mean you get used to it, but after some shifts I definitely wish I knew how to drive."

"So what, you never learned?"

"I mean, I never really felt the need to? Like some days I'm like 'yeah a car would be nice,' but most days I'm perfectly fine without."

"Have you ever thought about learning?" Will asked, glancing at Nico from the side of his eye as he drove.

"I don't know... I've always told myself I'd learn at some point, but I keep putting it off. Why?"

"I could teach you now, if you'd like," Will gave Nico a smile that meant trouble.

"What? No, Will, I'll total your car."

"It'll be fun! There's an empty parking lot we'll pass on the way back to your place, we can stop there and I can just show you the basics."

"What if I hit something?"

"Nico, dude, this car is worth at very most a total of 500 dollars. I wouldn't be ruined if this thing suffered a few bumps. It's the perfect car to learn in, you can't do any more damage to it than it has already suffered."

"I mean, I guess I don't have anything else going on tonight..." Nico gave a hesitant response.

"It'll be fun, I promise!" Will said as he flicked his turning signal and pulled into the empty lot. He put the car in park and opened the door.

"Okay, switch places with me," He prompted.

"Uh, okay," Nico gave some thought to hesitation, before stepping out of the passenger seat and into the driver's.

"Okay, look at the floorboard. Do you know which pedal is the brake and which one is for gas?" Will asked.

"Uh, the big one's the brake, right? And the small one is the gas?" Nico gave an answer even he doubted to be correct.

"Yeah! Okay, now put your foot on the brake," He instructed. Nico did as he told, gripping the steering wheel so tightly he thought he might break it.

"Great, now grab the gearshift, and put it into drive," Will explained, "You know how to do that?"

"Uh," Nico choked on his own words, "No?"

"That's okay!" Will assured. He reached over to gently hold Nico's hand, as he placed it on the gearshift. With his hand over Nico's, he pulled the gearshift into place.

"Now you're in gear!" He exclaimed with a bright grin. Nico's hand started to shake underneath Will's.

"What you wanna do now is let your foot off the brake, slowly though," As Will began, Nico lifted his foot off, and the car began to roll.

"Oh fuck the car is moving now," Nico cursed under his breath.

"You're doing good! The car is gonna move slowly as long as you don't hit the brakes. Now, I want you to take the same foot you just used the brakes with, and very slowly, press on the gas."

Nico placed a foot on the gas, and the car jerked forward.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," Nico groaned.

"Don't be! You're doing good!" Will encouraged, "Try again."

Nico lowered his foot back onto the pedal, and the car lurched once more. Surprised by the movement, he took his foot off the gas, giving Will a concerned look.

"It can be tricky to get the hang of, but you're doing really good so far!" He encouraged.

Nico's foot hovered over the pedal. Carefully, he began to press weigh to the pedal. The car began to move faster.

"Hey, there you go!" Will exclaimed, "You got it! Now, see if you can speed up a bit."

Nico pressed on the pedal, and the car roared, picking up speed. As the car gained speed Nico lost confidence, his chest began to feel tight. He could feel his hands tremor as he gripped the wheel, and he began to feel his throat close up. He slammed a foot into the brakes. The car screeched to a stop, causing both himself and Will to lurch forward in their seats. Nico's knuckles had turned white around the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Nico repeated, "I think... I think I'm done. Let's switch back."

"You were doing so well though!" Will reassured.

"No, I think I'm done," Nico confirmed, placing the car back into park.

"Oh, okay," Will's smile fell.

His shaky hands and nerves calmed once Nico returned to the passenger seat. He let out the breath he had been holding and rubbed his arms.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overwhelm you," Will said as he slid back into the driver's seat.

"Will, it's not your fault. I've... I've never been good at managing my nerves while driving. My dad gave up trying to teach me years ago because I'd just freak out whenever I was behind the wheel. I guess I thought this time would be different? I don't know..."

Nico felt a hand on his shoulder. Will ran a thumb over the skin on his shoulder.

"It's okay," Will ensured, giving a small smile to Nico, "I just hope I didn't make you feel pressured to do something you didn't want to."

"No! Of course not, I just thought I could actually do it this time. I mean there's a reason why I don't drive."

"You wanna talk about it?" Will asked.

"There's not much to talk about. It's just, like, my nerves... I just get so anxious behind the wheel. It's always been like that," Nico explained, fidgeting with his hands, "Like, I just personally think I shouldn't drive. There are some people out there who just don't drive, and maybe I should just commit to being one of those people."

"It takes practice," Will comforted, "You'll get it if you give it a chance."

"I don't know Will," Nico shook his head, "I can't drive in an empty parking lot, and I can't even imagine how I'd manage on a road with other cars. I don't know how you do it, especially with a broken arm, oh my god."

"I'm telling you, it's just practice. I mean, I guess the arm thing is a little hard to get around, but, I'm doing fine now, I think," Will spoke.

"Does it still hurt? Your arm?" Nico asked.

Will examined his arm, observing the curve of the cast, "No, not unless I move it the wrong way."

"I feel bad, you like, broke your arm," Nico began, "You said you've been playing lacrosse for seven years? And now, all of a sudden you just stopped? Don't you miss it?"

"I mean, yeah, I put so much of my time into it and spent so many years practicing. It was my sport and I loved it. And then, after I left the hospital, after talking to my coaches and telling them I was done... I realized, y'know, that I had put on my jersey, and played for the last time, without even knowing it, and that... That kinda sucked."

Nico nodded, watching Will as he spoke, "This whole thing sounds like it's been pretty hard on you."

Will turned to Nico, "This... may sound so stupid," Will laughed, "But you are so easy to talk to. Like being around you is just easy."

Nico smiled and nodded, "No, I get what you're saying."

He sighed and looked down at the floorboard.

"Guess I should be getting you home though, right?" Will asked as he started the engine. He pulled out of the lot and accelerated onto the road towards Nico's house. Will studied the road as Nico watched streetlights speeding by, their lights beginning to illuminate as the sun began to fall. A hazy shade of grey began to blanket the sky, and stars began to peek out from behind the veil. Will turned his head to steal a glance at Nico. For maybe a second, he let himself admire Nico's profile and the curve of his nose, the bend of his jawline, before pulling his gaze back towards the road.

He pulled into the apartment lot he had left Nico in the night before. As he pulled in, Nico looked like he was about to say something, maybe in protest, but ultimately decided against it.

Nico gave Will a soft smile and thankful eyes, "Thanks for the ride, Will."

"It's no problem, anytime," Will assured. He wanted to say more, but the back of his mind told him to remain silent, despite the pull in his chest. He didn't want this to be the last time he'd see Nico. He also didn't want to return to his empty apartment. He wasn't ready to be his only company again.

"Hey," Nico said, from outside the car, holding the door open and leaning in, "Text me later. Let me know what your schedule looks like so we hang out again. You're a fun guy to be with."

The tug at Will's chest rested, "Oh! Yeah, for sure!"

Nico closed the door, and left with a wave, as Will's car began to roll out of the lot.

Will exhaled a shaky breath, the feeling of loneliness beginning to flood his lungs. It was suffocating. He drove home, trying not to lose himself to the feeling

As he walked into his empty home, he felt a buzz from his pocket. He opened his phone and saw Nico had sent a text.

just caught wind of a party happening tomorrow, any chance you're able to go? ;)

Will smiled to himself and felt some of the loneliness began to fade.

(Big thanks to my beta readers @embooks and @all-this-panic-still-no-disco !!)

#not the typical way you meet a soulmate #chapter two #solangelo #solangelo fanfic #pjo fanfic #Nico di Angelo #will solace #will x nico

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one-abuse-survivor · 4 years

Note

Hi, im the anon with the guy 'helping' me with my trauma 🙃👋

I didnt know what he did was gaslighting, wow😅 he is almost always acting like he knows me more than i know myself and tells me how i should be feeling, because only "stupid people feel those things. Thats not you".

Ive been talking to him since, less than before though as it doesnt feel the same, almost like i lost that 'connection' with him. I know i probably shouldnt, but im just waiting until he does it again to cut off contact. Even imagining doing this, makes me feel incredibly guilty. Ive only known the guy almost 3 weeks 😅

Im not sure if it was retraumatising, though. I know that since then, my memory has been incredibly hazy and ive been dissossociating a lot.

When that day happened, i remember telling him i was crying/couldnt breathe, and he just mocked me further, spamming me with the same message (almost 8 times in a row). He was faking sympathy. During this he sent me pictures of himself laughing/smiling. He thought it was a joke, and that i was lying about my feelings for attention :/

I feel like he helps me move 2 steps forward, then 3 steps back, and gets upset when im cautious/hesistant to move forward again.

Thank you for your response, it was incredibly validating! 😊💕

Hi again! I’m glad I could help ❤😊

Yes, that definitely sounds like gaslighting, nonnie. No one, absolutely no one knows you more than you know yourself, or knows what you are or aren’t feeling or thinking. No one has a right to tell you who you are. And the “only stupid people feel those things” bit also worries me, because it’s never a good sign when a person tries to convince you that somehow you’re different or superior than anyone else as long as you are exactly who they want you to be. I’m not very knowledgeable in these topics, but as far as I know, this can be an isolation tactic to make you feel like only this one person understands you; to make you less likely to go to others for help. Which can make you much more vulnerable if this one person wants to hurt or control you.

Also, what he said is absolutely not true. Anyone can feel suicidal, or depressed, or anxious, or have symptoms of trauma. You’re not different than the rest of the world, and you deserve to feel like a part of it and connected to the people around you; reconnecting with the world around you and feeling understood by it is a really important part of recovery, especially if your trauma made you feel isolated or like there wasn’t anyone who’d understand or who you could reach out for help. And the fact he’s trying to “other” you from other people really rubs me off the wrong way.

I’m glad you haven't known him for that long and that you’re talking to him less! And I know guilt can be a tough enemy to battle during recovery, but please, remember it’s never wrong to take any steps to keep yourself safe, especially not when you’re in such a crucial and vulnerable moment in your life as is trauma recovery. Try to think about it this way: if his intention is to hurt you or make you feel like he’s the only one you can trust, then cutting him off now will save you from a lot of pain. If he doesn’t have bad intentions and genuinely wants you to get better, he will understand how important it is for you to be able to set boundaries and protect yourself, and will respect you not wanting to keep him as a part of your support group or in your life at all. And if he reacts badly to you wanting to cut him off, then that is a red flag that he is not willing to respect your boundaries when your boundaries inconvenience him, which means cutting him off is definitely the right move.

I don’t know a lot about what re-traumatising events feel like, but the fact that what he did caused you to dissociate and to have memory issues sounds like a bad sign :( I’m lucky enough that I haven’t gone through any similar events since I left my abusive house, and I can tell you that I personally haven’t struggled with recent memories being hazy since I got away from my abuser. (Memories from traumatic moments are definitely hazy, but I don't have trouble remembering new ones I make on a daily basis since I got out, if that makes sense! Well... Beyond not remembering what I ate yesterday, lol.) If anyone knows more about this than me and wants to shed some light on this topic, it would be appreciated!

And about him mocking you/sending pics of him smiling while you were clearly in distress... I just have no words for how cruel that is. It’s not okay to treat anyone in distress like they’re faking it or like their emotions are a joke; much less if the person is a survivor and likely to have been triggered! And about the “faking for attention” bit, I honestly don’t understand how people can use that excuse to invalidate someone’s emotions. Because even if you had been genuinely trying to get his attention about your struggles, and not just experiencing what I think could’ve been a flashback... the truth still stands that what people often call “attention-seeking” are more often than not cries for help. No one who tries to catch other people’s attention about how bad they feel inside does it for fun or to be cool™; we do it because we need help. Exactly like when a baby cries because it’s hungry. So I don’t understand how the logic can be anything other than “if this person is crying for help, I should do whatever is in my power to help them”, tbh. I don’t understand how trying to get others’ attention about your feelings is selfish or cringy or anything other than something to be taken seriously. So his logic still doesn't excuse him mocking you, laughing at you, or telling you there's basically nothing wrong with you.

Okay, ramble over 😅 I also wanted to say, regarding your second-to-last paragraph, that it’s absolutely okay for you to be hesitant to move forward in your recovery, and that for recovery to work, it needs to happen at your own pace, with you being able to set boundaries at all times. It’s not his place to get upset at you. As I’ve said before, if he truly wants to help, what he needs to do is respect your boundaries and offer support; not push you, rush you, or get mad at you for struggling.

I’m really glad my previous reply was validating, and hope this one helps a bit too ❤ sending a huge virtual hug!

#ask #abuse #abuse tw #trauma #trauma tw #trauma recovery #recovery #retraumatisation #gaslighting #gaslighting tw #guilt tw #dissociation tw #memory loss tw #emotional abuse tw #boundaries #Anonymous #Cry for help #Attention seeking

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voidselfshipp · 4 years

Text

The Copper Wars

Chapter 3

Tw:MC gets triggered.

By the time it was night jerico had finished the blueprints for his New invention.

A thirty feet tall robot, called The Forge, he couldnt wait to make It,but first he should change,and Grab something to eat,maybe even go to town and see whats up.

He took a quick shower,and changed,walking to the kitchen with his cats following behind him

--Hey guys whats up--jeri said non chalantly.

The mercs couldnt help but stare, he was wearing tight black pants,a dark green sweater, his hair tied in a bun while some stands fell loosely on his face.

--We uh...we were just about to eat-- engie mustered up, Serving the food.

--Nice, oh also! Ill go into town, anybody wanna come with me?

The men , except for pyro,soldier and heavy looked at eachother,before an argument broke out about who should accompany him.

--ya should let me go!, im super fun to be around!

--What ye goen ta get is this little shite talking yer ears off-Demo said drinking from his beer.

--Oh yeah? Well ya cant even stay still!youre drunk off ya ass!

--Id offer myself,I could use a break from workin'

--Ja!so would I!

--I zhink I could use some fresh air zoo

Jer stood there thinking--What if all of Us go?we could also use it to know eachother.

The mercs look at eachothern,and with grumpy looks they nodd.

And so, after eating off they went to town.

When they arrived the place was absolutely bustling with life,in the main plaza there was music playing, and jerico really wanted to dance!

The tune was so catchy!, and it reminded him of how much he and his dad would dance.

He took a quick look to his companions,but he could tell nobody was onboard.

So he just,stands there, pouting and his arms crossed.

Until a hand softly poses on his shoulder,he looks at engie who smiles and lends out his gloved hand.

Jer suddenly smiles, a huge smile on his face as he takes It.

The rest couldnt help but feel their chest warm up,he had a beautiful smile.

The music changes to a more softer one,and engie sweats bullets as jeri puts his arms around his neck.

--oh shit sorry i--

--No no,its alright uh aint used to dance with a Man thats all

--Theres always a first time,though if you want you can go back with the rest

--Its alright...this...this is fine

Both danced slowly,hesitant and unsure,but eventually they warmed up,and absolutely Killed it!.

Jerico was having so much fun.

Suddenly the texan Man dips him in, and he hugs his neck as jeri feels hes going to fall.

Engineers arms hug his waist,and with red cheeks they got back on their feet.

The texan knew hed get teased by scout, but seeing his companion happy made him feel giggly like a schoolgirl.

While walking through the local feria,jer fidgeted as he saw the stalls,so Many Many pretty things!.

He ran around, scout following him as he also got excited by all the things people sold.

--anyzhing Catching your interest?--spy sneaked behind the New merc, his french accent made a shiver run down his spine.

--Beejeezus!you scared me!

--my most sincere apologies,but please answer

Jeri just shrugged--Nothing really I mean they are pretty but,nothings like...'wow I want to buy that',besides you dont need to get me anything

--Consider it a welcome gift,if you need anyzhing or change your mind,let me know,our revoir

And the frenchman left.

While the rest were exploring,jeri sat on the empty stage, he then saw a Man,struggling to get his kid to calm down, the same Man was trying to play something on his guitar to no avail.

So he approached the dad, and asked if he needed help.

--You can try

Unaware of his team watching him, he sat on the floor with the kid,And softly played the guitar.

Jeri smiled,the kid mumbled things in what could be understood as spanish, and an idea appeared on his face.

--Hoy voy a hablarte

De mis héroes, que me vieron crecer

Desde el león que se hizo rey

Hasta la princesa que rompió la ley--He sang,gaining the kids attention--

Si me preguntas a mí

De ellos aprendí

Que hay personas por las que vale la pena derretirse

Que todo es posible, incluso lo imposible

Las virtudes a veces están bajo la suficiente

La belleza esta en el interior

Recuérdame aunque te diga adiós

Debo dejar de ser algo que no soy

Llorar me tranquiliza los problemas de la vida

Elimina de tu vida si elimina tu sonrisa

Hay una lágrima por cada risa

Eres más valiente de lo que crees

Porque tenemos que crecer

La segunda estrella a la derecha todo recto hasta el amanecer

Aférrate a aquello que te hace diferente

Si esperas el momento oportuno, era ese

Ohana significa familia, familia estar juntos siempre

Que tu alma libre esté

Que nunca es tarde para ser joven--his team had Walked closer.

The kid slowly calmed down as he sang, and quietly joining him.

Jer had a huge smile on his face,pouring his heart and soul as he sang with the kid who did the same,enjoying the music-- Boo

Sigue nadando

Quiero ser cómo, tú

Hakuna matata

Vive y deja vi bibidibabidibu

Hay un amigo en mí

Tan blandito que me quiero morir

De ellos aprendí!

Both ended their singing and the kid started to giggle and laugh, jerico gave the Man back his guitar and watched them walk away, with a warm feeling on his chest.

--recruit is good with little kids--heavy said.

--back in my home I had a lot of siblings,you end up learning I guess

And they spend the rest of the night enjoying the town.

Once back at his bedroom, just as hes about to sleep, he notices a pacage on his desk.

How...how did that get in here?

He got out of bed and Turned on the desk lamp.

--Que carajo...?--(what The fuck?),he then opened the small box to find a beautiful book,with carved details,painted gold.

'Since you too design things I figured this would suit you best.

Spy'

Said the note on the wrapper of the box.

He smiled and left it there,already too tired.

He then when back to bed, and fell asleep with his cats on his chest.

The morning sun filtered through the old blinds,jer hears his alarm go off,smacking the button of his alarm with a groan.

Suddenly he jumps as loud noises and shouts reached his room.

--la re puta madre!--he cursed sitting Straight,vica stands on their two back feet and with his front paws Cling to his unbuttoned shirt.

Jer picks them up,as illa jumps on his shoulder,and he walks to the source of the noise.

--Can I know what the fuck is going on?--Jerico asked,grumpy and a bit anxious.

--zhis idiot tried to Cook a pie,and somehow left zhe fork inside of it--medic said looking at scout.

Suddenly, scout screamed at the top of his lungs to defend himself,with a stupid argument.

Jer jumps back and hugs his cat, who purss and licks his hand.

His breath hitched as hes barely able to say--scout shut up!

His broken voice is enough to make the whole Room shut up and look at him.

--leetle Man feels bad,whats up?‐-heavy tried to Grab his shoulder but jeri stepped away.

--Scout give him a glass of vater-medic approached jerico softly, guiding Him to sit on the table--...how jou feeling now?

The New merc drinks the glass of water as he brokenly tries to steady his breath.

Vica sits on his lap,and illa jumps on the table, purring into the hand thats holding his head.

--I...I think im alright--jeri straightened his back--sorry,shouting And and loud noises make me anxious, try and Keep it quiet for now please?

--Ja, Ve'll zry, oh, by zhe vay,breakfasts ready

Engenieer was so kind to make the New merc breakfast with some home made applepie(without the fork inside of it)

Jerico Drank his tea, while his carts sat besides him curled up in a ball.

--So,jerico right?--engie said

--Yeah,whats up?

--Why dontcha tell Us about yourself huh?

Jers hand buttonned Up his shirt as he finally realized he was still in his pjs.

--Well,i moved in with my dad when I was a teen,worked in a bakery--scout chuckled condecenfingly--wich means I can make better pies than scout,and I Will not leave a fork inside of it,a part time artist, when I was like....twenty I did my phd in Steam powered engenieering,and when I could id go learn blacksmithing in one of my dads Friends house,nothing much

--nothin freaking much?!--scout said surprised-- you learnt blacksmithing and you think thats nothing much?

Jeri laughed snorting--well yeah blacksmithing is pretty cool

The Bostonian boy sunk in his chair and hid his face with his cap, as his cheeks Turned Pink.

--Oh and engie,I have the blueprints done,we can get to work in the wiring after this

--Alrighty then!

The rest of the breakfast was spent in quiet chatter, and jerico went to take a shower, closing the courtain.

The warn water hit his body and his shoulders and back relaxed.

He stretched his neck and washed his hair.

After the bath, he changed and went to Grab the blueprints and the notes he'd made in the notebook spy gave him.

He Walked to the door of his room,feeling excited to make this proyect of his into reality.

#tw//trigger mention #tw:trigger mention #🔥⚒toughesr coppersmith around⚒🔥#f/o fic

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