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engagedtobefree · 2 months

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Part 1 is here. Part 3 will be linked within this post.

Last week, there was a lot of me crying myself to sleep and barely sleeping at all. It’s been a real struggle to shut off my thoughts, even now. I don't understand anything that's going on. I don't even understand anything that's going on with me. I just wanted one thing to get better instead of worse. My stomach keeps twisting into knots that I don’t know how to even begin to undo. The twisting feeling works its way up into my chest and down my arms. I feel like a house that hasn’t settled, hitched up high and braced, ready to pick up my foundation and hightail it out of there. From where, I don't know. Everywhere, maybe.

I always get sadder in the warmer months. I don't know why; I've just always been like that. This summer so far feels a bit worse than the last few previous years, escalated by outside circumstances, I think. I know it’s more common for people in the darker, colder months, but I don’t know how common this is. I mean, Lana did sing about that summertime sadness. I'll come out of this eventually. I’m already starting to. I'll pick myself up just like I always do because I have to.

I got pulled over for speeding Friday morning on my way to work, which is fair. I’m pretty much always speeding, at least on the highway anyway; I’m a lot less likely to speed the smaller a road is. When the cop walked away, tears just unexpectedly started pouring out. To be clear, I am a very sensitive person - I literally own a t-shirt that says “I’m pretty cool but I cry a lot" - but I don’t ever cry for things like this. I don’t cry for getting pulled over. I am literally at my most fragile right now. I was wiping my face trying to pull it together before he came back, and surprisingly, he let me off with a warning. He shouldn’t have, but he did. I told him I appreciated it. I literally got a speeding ticket last summer (also on the way to work lol) and a parking ticket back in September. I don’t know if maybe he was giving me a break because of that or not, but it was one tiny little relief that I desperately needed.

I’ve been very neurotic the past few weeks. Last week, obviously, was the worst of it. I don’t know if it’s side effects from the Strattera, but I definitely didn’t have this going on last year when I was on it. I don’t know if it’s from my lack of practicing yoga, which I have largely fallen out of doing since late last year. I don’t know if it’s just the fallout from the accumulation of so many things over the course of many long, difficult months. I don’t know if it’s because my confidence has been the lowest it’s been in years. I don’t know if it’s the severe lack of sleep, or the lack of direction I’ve been feeling, if it’s how this year has amounted to nothing despite my most diligent and hardest efforts. I can’t remember the last time I worked so hard, yet unlike other times in my life, this hard work has sprouted absolutely nothing. I’ve been tending to soil where nothing has grown. My hands feel completely empty. It’s heart wrenching.

I can't bring myself to think anything badly about Chris. It's like I don't know how to. I generally don’t resort to calling anyone bad names unless I feel it’s truly deserved, and even then, I might not think or say anything like that anyway. I haven’t thought even once that he’s an asshole or anything because I don’t think that at all. It’s the farthest thing from what I think about Chris. There haven't even been any negative adjectives that pop up into my head about him. I still can only think good things about him. Even if all of this is actually true, I don’t think I even know how to be angry with him. There’s been a few small, brief moments of anger, but it didn’t feel directed at Chris, if that makes sense. I picture him in my mind and I don't see how this lines up with the man he appears to be. It doesn't fit. There's been moments of frustration with the lack of communication, but eventually I get to the conclusion that that's just a matter of perception, so I flip the way I'm looking at things and then I'm back to feeling content and patient. But eventually, the anxious thoughts come in, slowly rising up like mist from the ground, until it completely clouds my vision and way forward. Then I think about everything that has always seemed suspicious since the day he gave me his number: the lack of communication, the unwillingness to meet up, the oddness of how in-person he's all over me but afterwards he's a ghost. Then the excuses come in one by one: he might have things going on, he probably just moves really slow, maybe he's just flirty and not serious about these sorts of things. That's what I do. I give people excuses. I give people excuses until one day, that's all that's left, and then I don't know what to do with the card tower I've built with them except to knock it all down. Then I look at everything, collapsed and chaotic, and think about how I'm always voluntarily playing others' games that I'm never going to win.

It’s not fair of me though to stack a new card tower built on assumptions. That becomes a game that Chris is never going to win. I feel bad for that one thing I wrote in my last post about him not being the only one going through things. It’s true, but I still feel bad. I know he told me for a reason. Maybe he is going through difficult stuff at the moment, and here I am upset about something he possibly did wrong like a year ago. I know I still have every right to be upset, but I can’t just not care about his well-being too. I also don’t think Chris is worse than Scott. They’re like, not even in the same book let alone on the same page. I don’t know how clear I made it, but I meant that lying would be worse. I always prefer honesty, even if it hurts, which unfortunately for me, it usually does.

Audrey told me I shouldn't have been left wondering, that it's not my job to play detective because someone else hasn't given me any answers that they should be offering up themselves. She does have a point. I know she's biased toward me though, so I always have to think of the flipside of things, which I always do anyway. Chris doesn't owe me any answers. He isn't obligated to tell me anything. That doesn’t give him the right to lead me on though. And I know I always have the power to ask. I’ve had that this whole time. Yeah, sure, ideally, someone should be giving an explanation without being prompted to, but people don’t always do that. Sometimes you have to ask them yourself, but for some reason, I just haven’t been able to. I don’t like that feeling of having to brace myself for the answer. I avoid it if it’s not necessary. Even when I had messaged Chris asking if he’s single and he didn’t respond until the next day, I felt at peace with not having an answer right away, but that bracing feeling was still there underneath of it. It was easier though because it wasn’t the main feeling. However, my heart dropped in the morning when I saw he responded. If I’m not asking questions, it’s because I know that there’s a possibility of it being an answer that will gut me. But Chris had responded, “Haha of course I’m single” as if it were the only answer there could possibly be. I breathed a sigh of relief, but somehow didn’t feel fully satisfied. Maybe because I messaged him instead of asking in-person like I had wanted to. Or maybe somehow I knew it was potentially not the truth. I don’t know.

Chris has always acted very strangely. Every time I tell Stacy something, even when I perceive it as positive, she always responds back, “he’s a weird man”. He is. He only ever seems to want to talk to me to compliment me; he mentioned us going on a date almost 7 months ago, yet didn’t explain further in the time since then; he hasn’t made his intentions known at all and instead has just kinda left me here in limbo wondering what the hell is going on and why he ever initiated anything in the first place. His peculiarity has been incredibly confusing, yet I also find it intriguing. More than I want answers, I want to figure out his reasoning, his motivations, his intentions. I want to see the gears that spin that make this make sense to him but not to me. I want to know all of his inner workings in a way that I have never cared about in anyone else before. I want to understand so that I can understand him better. I am more interested in the man behind all of this than the solutions that man could bring me. That also frustrates me, that I feel that way.

Then I just feel stupid. I feel stupid for caring so much, for allowing myself to get so hopeful about someone, for allowing myself to believe that any of what I'm feeling is reciprocated in any way. Audrey told me last night that anyone in my position would feel this way, but she's wrong. A lot of people wouldn’t have even gotten themselves into this position in the first place. A large chunk of people wouldn't have waited this long; they would've said "I'm out" and moved on by now. Another large chunk of people would have already asked him what's going on. Others wouldn't waste their feelings further on someone who has potentially been lying to them. So in what percentage does that leave me? Obviously, I can never know, but I do know it's a small one.

When I’m not anxious, I’m actually fine with everything. I’m not worried or wondering or suspicious about anything. It’s when the anxiety kicks in hard that it all kinda gets swept up into this tornado-like spiral. And if I wasn’t feeling so depressed in the first place alongside it, I probably wouldn’t have gone looking for anything. I would have just waited it out like I’ve been doing. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. But I also wasn’t looking simply because I was confused or anxious or down or frustrated. I was looking more so because I was curious, because there’s a lot of blanks, because my mind is always wondering about things. I always do this, and it never leads to me finding anything good.

I do like Chris. I like what I’ve seen so far. Even the little frustrating bits I don’t mind, and they’re not really issues. Or maybe they are and I’m just pretending they’re not actual literal problems? I am struggling to sort through any of this. And idk how to resolve this. I don’t want to just pretend everything is okay, but I also don’t want to reach out randomly to address it. We’re not anything so there’s no need for me to do that. I really think I should only address it if he makes a move to take this anywhere. I don’t know if he really will or not. I also would like to not bring up anything in a message, because that’s just not a good way to work through anything, in my opinion. I’d much rather actually talk about things, but I’m not sure how I’d ever have any opportunity to do that. I keep thinking of hypothetical situations, but I don’t see how they’d work in real life. For example, say he asked me on a date, how am I supposed to ask mid-date if he’s actually single? It would be a little bit too late for that, wouldn’t it? I had several opportunities to ask him in person but didn’t because I was literally shaking from fear the first time and the second time I had resolved to trust everything, including him.

Stacy has been telling me for many long months now to call him out, to ask him what’s going on. But every time I think I might actually do that, I swing in the other direction and resolve to just be patient. I change my mind a lot. It takes me a very long time to decide on something, and for this, I don’t know what I want to do at all. Over the course of just a few days I considered different ways to bring it up, different ways to simply state it or ask it, or whether or not I’m gonna just let it go and stop worrying about it, but none of it feels like the right decision. I know it probably won’t matter anyway. There’s only one way this is going to come out of me if it does come out, and that’s through hot tears. I know how I am. I’m never going to call him out on it unless it’s happening right then and there. So time is going to pass and I’m going to let it go because that’s what I do. He’s going to message me or I’m gonna see him again in 4 months and I’m going to be bubbly and happy-go-lucky and content to just talk and laugh because that’s how I always am because I don’t know how to hate anyone for even 5 seconds. My anger comes and then it’s gone and it doesn’t come back unless someone flares it up again with something new. That’s always how it is. And for something like this, the anger isn’t anger; it’s grief, it’s sadness, it’s pain, but it’s never actually true anger. It’s just me being hurt.

I know there’s a small chance that me writing all of this and being upset is for nothing. There’s that tiny little possibility that this is not what it seems, or that even if it isn’t what it seems that it was never going to go anywhere anyway, so I’m just getting worked up over nothing. I always feel like I’m too much, like my emotions are too much, like my reactions are too much. I am always striving to be some picture-perfect person that I logically know does not exist. There’s a song that came on Friday on my drive home (it actually ended just as I was pulling into my parking space) called Lovely Enough by Emily James, and I think that sums up how I feel pretty well. It’s how I’ve felt my entire life.

I get the sense a lot of times that I see myself all wrong, that I don’t see myself the way others do. I remember one time, a few years back, when Amanda learned I wrote poetry she told me how that made sense because my whole energy was poetic. That surprised me. I never expect anyone to speak of me in such a nice way, even the people who never say anything bad about me. I also never thought of my own energy as anything even remotely close to something as poetic. Both Amanda and I got Friday the 13th tattoos last October, and I got mine done after hers since we were getting tattooed by the same artist. She stepped outside while I was finishing up, and during that time she was talking to two younger women. I walked up to them and just said hello, not really offering up anything else. I’m not great at chatting up people I don’t know, especially in an unstructured environment. Amanda told them about the tattoo I got and they asked to see, and they both said how it fits me really well. I was surprised by that, that people who just met me got a feel for who I am despite me not even saying literally two words to them. It confused me. Another thing with Amanda is that the past two times she’s introduced me to other friends, she’s done it in a weird way. I saw her back in April and May, and both times we ended up meeting up with other friends of hers, the first time because her car broke down and she needed a jump and the second time because we were at an event in her neighborhood. She introduced me in this exact way: “This is my friend, Dana, who is perfect and has absolutely never done anything wrong in her life.” I know that might come across as possibly sarcastic through text, but she was dead serious. Amanda knows me, so she knows I’m not going to tell her to not do that in front of people I don’t know, and she also knows that I will completely forget about it for the rest of the night so that it will become irrelevant once I do actually remember some time later on. I also know why she was doing it. She was doing it because she knows how I feel. She knows that I feel this way about myself, that I feel like I’m too much and that I over-burden myself with every little self-perceived flaw and mistake and negative emotion. That I pick myself apart until I’m just a raw and bloody open wound.

I’m reminded of a book I read recently, The Fox Wife by Yangsze Choo. The chapters alternate between two different narrators: one is a fox spirit who is in her human form and another is a detective. When the two characters finally meet, we get to see the fox spirit from the detective’s perspective, and it’s completely different from how I pictured her based on her own internal monologue. I feel like that kind of, like how I view myself is skewed by only having my own perspective to go off of most of the time. There’s times I’ve gone back and looked at videos of myself and caught glimpses of my own energy, of how I might come across to others. I think that possibly others see softness whereas I only ever see jagged, harsh edges. That’s where the confusion comes in. This video came to mind. It’s from 6 years ago, at my old apartment. I recorded a few videos of myself just making different faces, trying to get a sense I guess of what looked good on camera. I was really surprised by the end result and how I came across, that feeling there of myself that is different from pictures. Sometimes after yoga and meditation, all of that inner fog clears away and there I am, that Self beneath my self, and it’s a really nice feeling to remember who I am at my core.

Anyway, I’m going to leave all of this here and post the rest on my new side blog. It’s not anything bad about Chris, it’s just embarrassing thoughts I have that I don’t want to post here. I’m tired of being so cringe on main. This new blog is password-protected, but I don’t care if anyone actually reads it (it’s like, the easiest password I could have ever made for anyone to guess). I just wanted a place where I could post more privately without being found by most people. It’s not accessible in the app, only in a web browser, and I don’t come up in any search results, not on here or on Google. My stuff also can’t be reblogged, though I’m not sure if it can be liked or not. I mainly made it so that I could organize my poetry and keep track of edits I want to work on, but there’s also going to be some personal posts here and there, pictures, things like that.

So now I’m going to write about the medium event. I still feel how I felt about it before I went. I don’t know if it was real or not, though I do plan on taking the advice I got from it. I feel like in the end, that’s what matters most. I’ve told 5 people about it so far, and 4 out of those 5 people believe it. The one non-believer was my dad, who I talked to Saturday night. He was drunk, of course, when he called me. He said it was too generic, which were my thoughts too, except for a few things. He also thought that the guy I saw had done research on all 30 people there somehow or had someone behind the scenes telling him stuff in his ear. I didn’t agree with him on that part lol.

So the set-up was two long rows in a small room. The woman who hosted the event in her space promised us that she didn’t give the medium, Rich, our names or information beforehand. She told us that if we felt like something pertained to us, to raise our hands, and Rich told us the same thing after he came out and gave his little spiel. So I’m sitting in the second row, two seats in from the end, and he came over and said there was someone on the other side for someone over here. He gestured to the area where I was sitting, which included about 6-8 of us. The first thing he said was that there was a male spirit, and he was saying the names Joe, John, and Anthony. I perked up. My dad’s name is Joe, and two of his brothers, my uncles, are John and Mark Anthony (he has two first names). The rest of what he said made me unsure though, because it wasn’t specific enough: messed up teeth, died from something he was affected by too much (he worded it kind of weird? Like it sounded less like an illness and more like some type of infliction), they were a father-figure, someone had a tiny dog with a cute name (would be my grandma, also on my dad’s side), and that someone’s birthday was coming up in July (I thought my Aunt Mary, my dad’s sister, at first, but her birthday is in June; however, I did find that my grandma’s birthday was July 3rd). Then he said that the spirit was referencing someone’s fingertips, that someone had cut the tip of their finger off while working. That would be my dad; he cut off a chunk of his thumb tip many years back while at work. The medium asked us if anything was resonating, and I raised my hand up about halfway, but a woman in front and to the left of me shot her arm up. Rich said he’d get back to me, and focused his attention on her (spoiler alert: he never got back to me). So he started giving her specific messages, but there were a few things that she said didn’t pertain to her, though they definitely pertained to me. He said how the spirit was saying that there’s more to the fingertips thing, that she is good with her hands. She said no, but that would be me. I’ve always been artistic in multiple ways, and good at all of those things as well: fine arts, music, and writing. My whole life really, that’s all I’ve ever been good at, aside from teaching. The message the spirit had was to not stop doing those things, whatever they were. Rich said the spirit was also saying something about a beaded necklace or bracelet breaking that was significant, and again the woman said that wasn’t her. For the latter half of last year, I wore an agate beaded bracelet all the time. I have a bunch of crystals, though I’m not super into them, but I do believe everything is energy so that they must have some sort of function. I had bought this bracelet years ago but only wore it occasionally, and I was wearing it because agate is meant to promote healing. When anything beaded breaks, it’s supposed to mean that you don’t need it anymore. I set the intention that when the bracelet broke, it meant I’d be healed enough for a relationship again. It broke back in December. I’m still not 100% convinced I’m ready for a relationship, at least as of right now, though I may have been more convinced of that even just 2 weeks ago, but anyway, yeah, it broke and it had significance. Rich said that this spirit also wanted to convey the message that you (me and this woman) have medium abilities and to work on honing that skill, to stop relying on outside sources like tarot cards (lol me) and to go within more. He said to start with looking at random pictures of people and to try and guess things about them. I’ve definitely had a few of my own experiences with the other side, though I don’t really know that I have a full-on ability for it. Doesn’t hurt to try it out, I guess.

Rich moves onto the other side of the room and a new spirit. It’s a woman this time, and she died from something involving her lungs. There’s a man there with her who was her husband, and he died from something regarding his heart, though Rich said specifically it seemed like a heart attack. They were saying a “Kah” sounding name, like Carol. My mom’s name is Carol and her mom died from lung cancer and her dad died from a major heart attack. I waited for more info, and I wasn’t sure again that the rest fit. There were a few things that did though. The woman spirit said there was someone who nursed her that she wanted to thank, but Rich said he wasn’t sure that it was necessarily a nurse, just that they took on that role for that woman. That would be my mom. My mom told me all about taking care of my grandma at home while she was sick, from bathing her to cutting her hair to taking her out for walks in her wheelchair. He said the male spirit was an alcoholic and that he had a lot of regrets about the way he chose to live. I was telling my mom all of this earlier last week, and she said that was definitely her dad. He died a year and a half after my grandma did, and my mom said during that entire time he never stopped talking about how he regretted not giving my grandma everything she had wanted in life, how he always spent his money and his weekends drinking. My mom told me that he kept insisting that my grandma was still around, that she was visiting him and telling him he needed to come with her. My mom thought he was crazy at the time, but then after he died my mom said she started getting those visions, though my grandma wasn’t saying the same thing to her. My mom said she’s heard many times that the Irish have special connections with spirits. Based on what I know about Celtic and Irish mythology, that tracks. My mom fully believed it was her parents that day. She told me that I definitely have people on both sides of my family looking out for me. I find it interesting that it’s family I’ve never met.

The event was two hours, and for about the next hour or so, nothing else fit me. I checked the time and could see we were nearing the end. Rich was on the other side of the room with his back turned to my side when this next bit happened. He was finishing up with someone, though I would say not quite done yet, and he said there was a spirit coming through with the Joe, John, and Anthony names again. They were persistent. I perked back up. Then Rich said the spirit mentioned a roof, and he asked the guy in the room he had previously been talking to if that pertained to him. The guy said no. Rich said that the spirit was communicating something dangerous about a roof, and he thinks the spirit is saying that someone fell off of it. I shot my arm up. That has to be for me. I know that if this is in fact real, that it’s my Uncle Albert. Rich then said, “He says he has a Vincent there with him”. My cousin Vincent on my dad’s side died 10 years ago this past May. He said the spirit also kept saying a name that started with a Da, though he couldn’t make out the name; he thought maybe Daniel. There was also a P name somewhere in there. My name is Dana and my last name starts with a P. I keep my arm raised. He said the spirit also mentioned how whoever this message is for works with groups of people in some capacity. I’m a yoga teacher. I kept my arm raised even as he continued to ignore my side of the room, only asking the other side if it pertained to them, to which everyone responded “no”. I kept my arm raised even as he moved onto a new spirit. My arm was straight up in the air Hermione Granger style. I didn’t bend my elbow even once. I sat up straighter, as if his back had eyes and could see me if I made a little more effort. After my arm got tired, I switched arms. About ten minutes into me sitting there, the woman hosting the event tells Rich, “Uhh there’s a woman in the back who has had her arm raised for about 10 minutes now.” She gives me an approving look and smiles at me. I switch arms again and another 10 minutes goes by. Rich finally begins to turn and as he does, another woman in the back raises her arm. She’s sitting in the middle so he sees her before he sees me. She says how she thinks one of the spirits there had been for her, but Rich ignores this. He says the Joe, John, Anthony spirit is there again and his message is that he knows you’re different from others and that you also know this, but to never change that about yourself, that it’s a good thing. Then he calls it a night.

The woman that hosted the event came up to me afterwards and apologized, then she asked me what I had written down and who I thought the message was from. I start to tell her and as I do I choke up. I haven’t really been given the space recently to be listened to, though I’ve been giving that a lot to others lately, and here was this woman I didn’t even know taking the time to care and listen. I didn’t feel emotional the entire time, but I guess I was affected by the whole thing in some sort of capacity. I never got to specifically talk through Rich, but I decided that regardless of whether it was real or just coincidences, that I would take those little bits of advice with me since they did seem relevant. Also, it didn’t escape me that if this was in fact real, it began and ended with messages for me. My dad didn’t believe it. He said whoever I wanted to hear from couldn’t hear me, that they were “too far away”. My mom 100% believed it was real and so did Stacy, though Stacy absolutely loves paranormal stuff so she was never not going to believe it lol. I also told my friend Ahmad since I hung out with him the weekend after, and he thought it was real too. I told him how I have always felt different, especially in the sense that my perceptions and beliefs have always been very different from others. This has always gotten me mixed reactions. Some people it angers, other people it perplexes, and then some others it leaves filled with awe and admiration. One good example is that in all of my art and art history classes throughout college, my professors always fell into that last category. I’ve always had really unique ways of looking at things, and of course the most eccentric of the world (ie. college art professors) loved this. I always came in with perspectives no one else had, seeing things that no one else would see. My professors would even tell me that they never had students with my take on things before. Honestly, they were probably the people who validated my uniqueness the most. Maybe I should go back to art school lol. Oh this also happened in writing classes too. Pretty much the same scenario. Not just in college, but throughout elementary and high school too. Maybe I should go back to school in general, be a student forever lol. Anyway, I also told my friend Carly this past Sunday. She has a very gentle, earthy energy, so she really just listened to everything intently and afterwards told me it sounded really wonderful. I haven’t seen her in awhile, so it was really nice to catch up, and it was really nice of her to listen.

I will get into this more on some other posts, probably on my private blog though. There’s some more things I’ve been wanting to write about for a while now that I think I’m ready to finally write about.

#personal #chris #amanda #uncle albert #grandmom #grandpop

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bunnypopgal · 6 months

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What does the future hold for me? Goals & Ambitions

Hello! Another day has started and I'm doing pretty alright today so far. I think I would like to discuss a bit about my future goals and dreams as well as what I want to come from this blog in more hopefully clear detail.

Let's start with the blog part! I originally made this blog a few years ago when I was still being hurt by many people around me. I would often write a whole bunch in diaries growing up as a way to help me find the joy in the small things. I'm aware I'm a very odd case of both CPTSD and just in personality. I have been told I am a very resilient and strong person not only for still standing here afterwards but for still being myself after it all. I am a very bubbly, sunshiney person generally. I do believe myself to be a very self aware person with a high emotional intelligence. Don't worry I didn't reach this conclusion on my own as some weird reflection of narcissism from what I've been through. Honestly it's only been a few months that I've been able to say that about myself and truly believe it. I’ve had therapists, LD professionals, teachers, random adults tell me that my whole life and it still took my partner the entire time up till now he has known me (almost 2 years) of hours long conversations to convince me. Building such confidence is a tad scary for me since I’m terrified of acting like my narcissistic biological mother (whom I call my egg donor normally). Also I hope this came out correctly as me just being proud of myself and not anything malicious! So all that to say I hope I can do some good to share about my healing journey! I also would love to share my thoughts here as well and share the joys of everyday normal life even after years of trauma.

Personal life goals! As mentioned before in this post and my last few I do indeed have a wonderful, most lovely partner! We are currently in a long distance relationship. We’re both from neighbouring countries to one another and we have plans to get engaged so I can move in with him. We don’t want to actually get married until we’re a bit older than we are now so we feel no true rush on the marriage part. Currently we’re just enjoying life and saving money as much as we can. We hope to one day have kids as well even though that’s super far from now we still have a list of baby names.

On a sad note though is I don’t actually have any other people I’m close with other than him. I don’t go out much (mainly due to being broke) and I don’t really put myself out there even if I knew where to put myself in the first place. I would love to meet some gal pals who would not only want to sing barbie movie songs with me as lifelong best friends but also be my bridesmaids. Of course while I do have lots of time I do feel likely that I’ll get married without having a bachelorette party or any bridesmaids. For now I try not to think about it much since I am still so young and would only really plan to come back to my country to visit my Father’s, my grandparents’ and my great grandparents’ graves. I’m pretty disillusioned with the state of my country currently so I am very excited to leave.

Career future! Since my partner and I currently have to save a lot of money and just life in general being that much more expensive I’ve been trying to get a part time job. I’m pretty scared since advocating for support needs around where I live just gets you fired and I don’t have time, money nor the heart for lawyer stuff. I’m becoming more confident and honestly just more prepared to act as normal as humanly possible while having hallucinations. Sadly I still have no idea what triggers my hallucinations so it’s still very much a guessing game for me. I applied to a bunch of openings at a fast food place all around my town so hopefully they’ll reach out to me soon.

What was I doing before, you say? Well I was working on my craft which is a bit embarrassing for me to admit honestly. I’ve been trying to improve my art so I can do a whole bunch of things. My biggest dream goal is publishing my magical girl comic book series! Which I’ve also been writing for as well during this time. I also plan to start streaming as a PNGtuber, making youtube, tiktok videos and doing art commissions which I’ve also been working on during that time as well. Drawing is hard but at least nowadays I feel my work looks nice to general audiences I think, I hope. I’m not sure if I will link any of my future work or social media here on this blog but just know if you see a magical girl comic making it big with it’s amazing art and storytelling made for an early 20’s adulthood audience from a singular female author and artist- yeah, that’s my work. If anything I know my magical girl series is gonna be adored in the girl centric media. Think Buffy the Vampire Slayer(the spinoff Angel too) meets 2000’s Barbie movies aesthetics, with Winx Club, Supernatural AND Charmed influences too! I’m so excited! This will be a very long running series so I am currently writing LOTS of lore to work with for a LONG time. Oh and yes there’s gonna be LOTS of amazing fashion that I hope will be timeless!

I am very hopeful and very sure of myself and that things will work out because I will make sure of it! I hold my power and my dreams WILL come true! That’s all from me for today! Don’t forget to brush your teeth and drink water today! Laters!

#living with cptsd #mental health blog

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imagine-a-life-like-this · 3 years

Text

Definitely Not Dating (H.HJ)

Warnings : none i can think of?

Word Count : 1622

Synopsis : all their friends tease them about dating due to how close they were, but they were just friends. or were they?

“Your boyfriend’s here.” My roommate and best friend, Felix, teased after answering the door. Hyunjin was close behind him, chuckling at the joke all our friends made about us.

“Still not dating.” I countered as I stood up from the couch, grabbing my purse. “Where to today?” My words were now directed at Hyunjin who was standing in the doorway, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“I figured we’d go see that play you’re always talking about. There’s a showing downtown tonight.” My eyes lit up when he said that. “I already bought the tickets.” He added with a chuckle.

“Have I ever told you I love you, Hwang Hyunjin?” I asked with a smile, linking my arm with his as we made our way outside and to his car.

“Only everyday.” He countered with a smirk.

“Never mind, I hate you. Ugly.” I unlinked our arms as he opened the door for me, as he always would. As I got in and buckled my seatbelt, I could see Felix in the window, watching us with a teasing grin on his face. I knew exactly what he was thinking, so I flipped him off just as Hyunjin got into the driver’s seat. He looked forward just in time to see Felix return the gesture while sticking his tongue out.

“You two have an odd friendship.” He chuckled as he did up his seatbelt. My phone automatically connected to his car as he usually let me play whatever I wanted to listen to. Our friends would always mention how cute that fact was. Maybe if you had better taste in music, he’d let you play your playlists. I’d always retort, hoping the growing feelings weren’t as obvious as our friends insisted they were.

The next day, I sat at a table in the library with a couple of friends, working on the homework given out that day. My phone, that sat on the table, seemed to vibrate with a text message every few seconds. “Should probably see what they want. It’s probably your boyfriend.” Jeongin teased, nudging me with his shoulder. I rolled my eyes, once again saying that Hyunjin and I weren’t dating.

“It’s probably Felix asking me to pick up something on my way home. Hyunjin said he was going to the dance studio today.” Hyunjin always threw himself into his dances, barely looking at his phone unless it was to pick a song or pause the music. There was absolutely no way he would be texting me right now. But when I picked it up, I was shocked to see it was him.

We should get dinner tonight.

That restaurant you like has an opening tonight. I’ll make the reservations.

We could go stargazing after.

Why aren’t you answering me?

Oh right, you’re studying with Jeongin and Seungmin. Tell them I said hi!

Let me know when you’re done, I’ll pick you up : )

I couldn’t help but smile at the messages, my stomach doing flips as I thought about how this would be a cute date, if it was a date. Dinner and stargazing. “So, what does Felix want?” The teasing tone coming from Seungmin’s lips told me he knew it wasn’t Felix.

“Hyunjin says hi.” I answered, watching as their faces contorted into teasing grins.

“And?” Jeongin prodded, nudging me with his shoulder again.

“And that he’s making reservations at a restaurant before taking me stargazing.” I mumbled under my breath, hoping they wouldn’t hear me. They did.

Hyunjin stayed true to his word and was outside the library doors when Jeongin, Seungmin, and I exited. His long blond hair tied up in that half pony he always did, his bangs falling across his face. I never was one for long, dyed hair before, preferring men with shorter, dark hair. But Hyunjin pulled off the long blond look so well it was hard not to be drawn to him. “Have fun on your date!” Jeongin teased as the two of them took off in the opposite direction of Hyunjin and I.

“Do you think our friends will ever believe we’re just friends?” Hyunjin joked as he slid his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together. I giggled to myself, knowing that if I was an outsider looking in, I would think exactly the way they do. But this is how our friendship has been since high school. We’ve always been touchy with each other, cuddling and holding hands.

“Once we’re married to other people.” I joked, trying not to let the hurt I felt at the very thought of him falling in love with someone else evident in my voice.

We sat across from each other at my favourite restaurant, browsing the menu in silence. Soft chatter from the other patrons, and the soft classical music they played filling the comfortable silence between us. If I’m honest, I’ve only been here one other time. My previous birthday, Hyunjin brought me here. It was the first time we’d been somewhere so fancy, and we were quite underdressed, not knowing the dress code for the restaurant. We laughed about how badly we stuck out among the other patrons, but neither one of us cared. That memory alone made it my favourite place.

Hyunjin held my hand from across the table as we ate, catching each other up on our day as if we hadn’t seen each other in ages, even though I saw him yesterday. We rarely went a day without seeing each other, almost as if we had a need to be by each other’s side whenever possible.

We laid beside each other on the blanket Hyunjin brought, staring up at the night sky sparkling with stars. Soft music played from his phone that was laying in between us. He quietly sung along to the songs, and my heart swelled with joy. I absolutely loved listening to him sing, even though he hates singing in front of people. I’m sure I’m the only person that’s ever heard him, and honestly that should be a crime. His voice was my favourite in the entire world, but maybe I’m biased because I love him.

“We’re friends, right?” I asked, silencing his singing, and bringing his attention from the stars to me. I turned my head to face him, our eyes meeting.

“Of course.” He replied almost immediately.

“But are we just friends?” The question hung in the air longer than the first one, but neither one of us moved, our eyes still locked. The weight of his hand in mind suddenly clearer than it’s ever been before.

“What do you mean?” It was as if the words he meant to say were caught in his throat. I could hear it in the way his voice cracked when he answered.

“Our friends always tease us about dating.” I pointed out.

“That’s what friends do.” He smiled, his thumb now running over my knuckles. My skin burned from his touch, but I loved the feeling.

“We’re always holding hands and cuddling.”

“We’re touchy people.” He shrugged. I didn’t bring up the many times he told our other friends that he didn’t like skin ship. He wasn’t much of a hugger unless it was me. But I didn’t bring that up.

“What about all the fancy dinners? The plays? Movies? Stargazing?” I gestured to what we were doing right now with my free hand, refusing to pull my hand away from his, loving the feeling of his hand in mine. I always have.

“I like spoiling you.” Silence fell upon us again as I tried to think of what else to say. So many more things to point out, but I’m sure he had an explanation for it all. The drawers of my stuff at his place, and the drawer of his stuff at my place. The loving captions on pictures we posted of each other. The heart-shaped necklace he gave me one day, our initials engraved on the back of it. He’d have an explanation for it all, that I’m sure of. But there’s one thing he couldn’t explain away.

“I’m in love with you.” The words rolled off my tongue before I could stop them, as if they were meant to be said in that moment. He could explain all the cute moments and thoughtful gifts, saying it’s just the way our friendship is. That’s just how close we were. But the love I have for him isn’t platonic.

My confession hung in the air like a neon sign, and the confidence I once had began to fade. But before I could take it back, his lips were on mine. The same lips I’ve been dreaming about kissing for years, were now pressed against mine in the sweetest kiss I’ve ever experienced. It was a kiss filled with love and passion. A kiss that couldn’t be explained in a platonic way. “We aren’t just friends.” He whispered after pulling away. “I don’t think we ever were.”

He kissed me again when dropping me off at home that night, whispering a quick I love you before I walked into the house I shared with Felix. “How was your date?” Felix teased when he saw I was home.

“Perfect.” I smiled, watching as his eyes widened at the fact I didn’t bant with him.

“You’re not denying that this was a date?” He questioned, fully emerging from the kitchen, where he was most likely baking brownies.

“Why would I?” I kicked my shoes off and placed my purse on the coffee table before sitting on the couch, still on cloud nine.

“Because you always do? You and Hyunjin are just friends.” I smiled and shook my head.

“Hyunjin and I are definitely dating.”

#stray kids imagine #stray kids au #skz au #skz imagine #hwang hyunjin imagine #hwang hyunjin au #hwang hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #bang chan #lee minho #seo changbin

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ialwaysknewyouwerepunk · 3 years

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perfect now - a close reading

only pure and true love for this one. it’s soft and sweet because the one he wrote it for is and needs cheesy uncool romcom soundtrack-worthy affirmations and it’s the most wonderful thing oh my the flurries

some album booklet art for your viewing pleasure

((just a warning for below: while the lyric analysis was kept fairly neutral and close to the words and their meaning, more and more parallels did ensure me larrying out by the time the analysis kicked off so if you’re not into that, you can skip this one!))

⟼ check out @bluewinnerangel ‘s magnificent post with all the parallels to 1d/h&l bc it’s exhaustive and was a source for mine <3 thank you again for your service <3 bc this song really is a fanpiece of every song that has been important to them throughout their career so far, whether they wrote it or not, and it’s honestly kinda impressive

SUMMARY

you’re sad and i love you so much i will do anything to make that undone but while you’re sad know that i sill very much love you and you’re also strong enough to conquer all of this on your own but i’ll be by your side anyway

lyric breakdown ft. the many parallels, incl. little things, through the dark and wmyb

what this says about louis, his partner and the relationship he is in

never gonna dance again frenzy

identity

louis is a marvellous majestic sonofabitch basically <3

walls, track 10

～ little things “you still have to squeeze into your jeans, but you’re perfect to me”

You don’t feel pretty and it’s hard to miss

later lyric: “like a neon sign” - i see through you trying to hide away your insecurities

I wish that you could see my point of view As someone staring back at you

“you” is also staring at him, but perhaps is too insecure to realise how mutual the adoration is

i wish i could get you out of your own negative spiral and give you a look at yourself from my perspective

～ wmyb “everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but you”

～ wmyb “right now i’m looking at you and i can’t believe you don’t know you’re beautiful”

～ little things “you never love yourself half as much as I love you, and you’ll never treat yourself right darling but I want you to. If I let you know, I’m here for you, maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you”

On Friday night when we’re all out I turn to you and you’re looking down And you don’t wanna dance I know you love to dance You never stop given half the chance

heavy echoes of kmm again, but the opposite: the “nightmare on the dance floor” doesn’t want to dance

when “you” is confident rlly not being subtle with who i think that is, they love to dance <-> tpwk “feeling good in my skin, i just keep on dancing”

“i know you love to dance” = i know what you love bc i love you

“given half the chance”

～ tpwk “giving/given second chances”

given a chance tattoo, making another appearance (see below for more tattoo meltdowns)

Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up

term of endearment <3

～ dlibyh

this album is full of encouragement to keep going and as much as it gives me life it ruins me

Don’t hide away, don’t ever change

“be happy, proud”

～ “just hold on”

“pick someone who’s supportive”

Keep your head up, love, keep your head up Don’t look away, don’t look away

don’t look away from me

～ through the dark “and I can see your head is held in shame”

Cause everybody’s looking at you now, my, oh my

they have the stage to themselves / new career paths they’re doing on their own

could also mean ppl they’re going out with are looking at them, which “you” interprets as sth negative, which makes them self-conscious, while they’re actually admiring them bc they steal the scene

～ wmyb “you’re turning heads when you walk through the door”

I guess some queens don’t need a crown And I know why Even when your tears are falling down Still, somehow, you’re perfect now

“you” is royalty to louis, to put it simply

they don’t need something on their head to make it known to everyone else - they’re a queen and everyone knows it

gendered: female - also used in drag contexts - the only time L has used any gendered word to identify his partner on the entire album (more on this below)

～ steal my girl "she's been my queen since we were sixteen" can't believe i forgot this one thank you @mortalenemiestolovers for reminding me!!!

～ falling

～ through the dark “you tell me that your tears are here to stay”

You never do, but if you asked me to I’ll tell the truth lying next to you

“you” never asks for affirmations directly, but by saying shit like their pants are too tight make it clear enough to L that they do need to hear once in a while that it’s not true

Cause you’re the only one when it’s said and done You make me feel like being someone

Good to you even at your worst

～ always you

i love you so much you are a force of life to me, and even when you hate me i want more

～ drag me down “If I didn’t have you there would be nothing left, the shell of a man who could never be his best. If I didn’t have you, I’d never see the sun. You taught me how to be someone” (sung by louis first, harry second)

～ through the dark “even if you scream and shout, it’ll come back to you and I’ll be here for you

You steal the scene and it’s unrehearsed

reference to working on a stage - their natural presence wins everyone over - that charisma is never manufactured

Don’t you wanna dance? Just a little dance I’ll never stop given half the chance

L keeps encouraging them, will also not pass by any chance to dance with them

Every insecurity, like a neon sign, as bright as day If you knew what you were to me You would never try to hide away

“it’s hard to miss”

L sees through them trying to hide their insecurities, pretend to be strong

～ through the dark “but I know you were only hiding”

SYNTHESIS

Perfect Now is not a fan favorite and I am so not here for that discourse, so please do not pester me with negativity about this chocolate drop of a song.

As others have pointed out, the parallels with other songs written by Louis, Harry or for One Direction are extremely present. Especially Little Things is echoed loudly, but there’s so much more to be read, as you’ve seen. These are songs that are clearly near and dear to Louis, bc he wrote them or bc performing them was special, like with Little Things and What Makes You Beautiful. A lot of the same emotions come back in Louis’s writing, so much so that you can’t help but see the larger story behind it all. Throughout Walls you can hear him singing about not giving up and holding your head high despite hardships, and if you look back at his earlier writing, it’s always been there. Through the Dark is an early and striking example of this style of Louis song: you’re sad and i love you so much i will do anything to make that undone but while you’re sad know that i sill very much love you and you’re also strong enough to conquer all of this on your own but i’ll be by your side anyway

basically through the dark’s chorus:

Oh, I will carry you over Fire and water for your love And I will hold you closer Hope your heart is strong enough When the night is coming down on you We will find a way Through the dark

It is very clear that Louis is faced with a partner - I can freely say it’s Harry now right? are the antis gone by now? i think so - that struggles with his body, with his identity, with how he wants to present himself vs how opinions on that might push him down and dampen his spirit. Louis, always the supportive boyfriend, then tries his best to make him see the light, while keeping that space for his sadness, his struggles, or their joint struggles. Accept the sadness but don’t lose your heart to it.

I’ve linked @bluewinnerangel ‘s post at the start of this post, but I need to stress how good it is once more as I also shamelessly insert a screenshot from it here bc it makes me feel a lot and summarizes perfectly just how deeply Perfect Now is woven into the history of their lives, relationship and especially “you”s/Harry’s personal struggle with their identity/body/confidence...

Because yes, i absolutely think these tattoos are being echoed in the song. “Never gonna dance again” as a lyric and then as a tattoo on Harry’s legs like shackles around his ankles represents the sensation of shame, of being stuck, bc of your desires, bc of your sexuality. Obviously we can never know why Harry got the tattoo, as in what experience pushed him to choose those lyrics or what exactly he recognizes in himself, but it’s safe to say it’s about the struggles of being queer and navigating relationships with that identity and with others.

Most importantly, the sense of shamelessly dancing, dancing like no one’s watching, dancing together with your lover, as a celebration of self, life, love, is the key here. Harry got that tattoo ages ago, at a time when he undoubtedly felt way more stuck. When he couldn’t dance freely the way he wanted to and with whom he wanted to. Perfect Now is a reminder to him, an encouragement to still dance if he wants to, no matter what people say or think. Significantly, then, Harry’s own Treat People With Kindness heavily features that same sentiment, but in an extremely positive light: i have found a place (in life and in myself) where i feel like i have given and was given second chances and now i dance bc i finally feel good in my skin.

Louis has obviously been there from the start, or at least from when or before Harry properly started experimenting with/questioning how he likes to present and how he identifies as. Before he ever dared to consider pulling on a pair of women’s skinny jeans, never mind a ball gown. Louis has seen him limit himself as well as being limited by others ofc and has always seemed to have been there, with a secure hand on Harry’s back, to encourage him. Even at a time when boys wearing nail polish or skirts was unthinkable. Just remember how much encouragement Harry needed when growing out his hair; Louis literally joined him. yes this might make me cry okay i need to stop bc i’m going off track and this is just becoming a larry breakdown while i was trying to hype up this beautiful song.

What I’m trying to say is: Louis has always seen all of Harry. He’s always had his back, no matter what. He’s loved every part of him. And now, on a completely gender neutral album, in the sweetest, softest song off of the entire thing, Louis puts in the word “queen”, and that is so very deliberate it makes me want to scream. It’s Louis confirming his love again and again while affirming the multitudes contained by Harry, including everything involving his gender journey. brb crying

It’s a raw Louis, an honest, sweet, kind, loving partner, and both of them are fucking lucky to have each other, and I also wish that all of us end up in a caring and wholesome relationship like that. I truly do.

#wow i thought this one was gonna be easier #i always do why do i think that???#every time i look closer into l's lyrics i see more depth #this is all just a perfect mushy mess so it's on brand for me #perfect now analysis #lyric analysis #my posts #parallels

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syllvane · 3 years

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muscle memory pt. 3- sylvie x reader

a/n: i said i was going to post tomorrow but i couldn’t help myself. anyways, spoilers for episode 2 and 3 of loki, minor spoilers for the beginning of episode 3. final word count is 1.7k words!

read the previous part read the next part read the series

“How is Loki doing?” You asked Mobius, walking with him to the mess hall.

“He’s doing great. Making real progress, I would say.”

“Didn’t you have to have a meeting with Renslayer this morning because of his actions?” You asked, raising your eyebrows. His face scrunched up for a second.

“It’s like every time he is making progress, he takes two steps back.”

“That sounds more believable. You still think he’s worth all the trouble though?”

Mobius sighed slightly. “I really do believe in him. It’s not just an issue of whether I believe in him though, it’s whether Ravonna and the Timekeepers do.”

“Oh, you’re on first name basis now, with Renslayer?” You turned and grinned at Mobius, who immediately flushed after realizing his mistake.

“Not a word of this to anyone.” He said strictly, although there was a smile on his face as well.

“Yeah, yeah.” You said, standing in line with Mobius as he ordered his lunch before sitting down at a two-seat table. “Ravonna and Mobius-”

“C-7.” Mobius said strictly, although you could tell he was partly amused by your antics.

You continued in the same quiet, sing-songy voice as before.

“-on a jet ski. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

Mobius finished taking a sip of his drink and then applauded quietly, so as to not draw attention.

“Has anyone ever told you that you truly have all the originality of a grade-schooler?”

Before you could answer, you were interrupted by a tall man with long dark hair speed walking over to where Mobius and you were sitting.

Although he seemed to be in a hurry, you could tell that he was sizing up everybody in the room, including yourself.

“I found- oh, sorry. Didn’t see you there. Would you mind moving so that me and my partner could discuss something?” He asked politely, even smiling.

You locked eyes with him, smiling back at him.

“I’m good, thanks. You can just pull up a chair.”

His smile wavered and he maintained eye contact for a couple of moments longer before breaking it, going to a different table and pulling over a chair.

(You ignored the pointed look Mobius shot at you, like he was asking you to be the bigger person here. Unfortunately for him, you had no such intentions.)

“Right. I know how the Variant is hiding.”

Mobius leaned back.

“Talk about burying the lead. How?”

Loki smiled slightly, this smile much different from his last- he was proud of himself.

“He’s hiding in apocalypses.”

There was a moment of silence. You and Mobius exchanged a glance.

“Which one? There’s like a million all across history.” Mobius pointed out and Loki took a second to compose himself before starting his explanation.

You sat back as he explained his reasoning, watching with amusement as he put more salt and pepper into Mobius’ salad, handing him your own drink when he realized that Mobius’ drink was empty.

He gave you a nod of recognition and Mobius sent you another, even more exasperated glance as Loki poured your drink into the salad (although, in your opinion, seeing Loki grin like that made it worth it).

—— “How was Pompeii?” You asked, not even having to look up from the apocalypse case files to figure out that it was Loki who was approaching you.

He stopped for a minute, almost taken aback by your observation, before continuing and taking a seat in front of you.

“I was right, naturally.”

You scoffed slightly.

“Naturally.”

You looked up at him to find that his piercing eyes were already looking at you, almost curiously.

“You’re already sorting through the apocalypse files.”

“Naturally occurring disasters with no survivors, cross-referenced with the candy that Mobius picked up. You were confident that you were right so I figured I should start looking.”

Loki raised his eyebrows and smiled slightly.

“You’re smarter than you look. Could’ve saved me and Mobius some time.”

“He forgot to cross-reference?”

He nodded, hesitating for a moment before he grabbed some of the files that you hadn’t started looking over yet.

You looked at him appreciatively, though he wasn’t looking at you anymore.

The two of you sat there, looking at the case files in a comfortable silence for a couple of minutes before Mobius walked into your office as well.

“What’s this?” Mobius asked, taking a cursory glance at the file on top.

“Kablooie.” You said simply and Mobius sighed slightly, frustrated that he hadn’t thought of it.

He grabbed a couple of files as well, standing up as he started reading.

“I think I have something,” Loki said a couple of minutes later, splaying the case out on your desk so that everyone could see. “Class ten apocalypse. Alabama, 2050.”

You looked it over and even just with a cursory glance, you could tell that this is where the Variant was hiding- you looked over at Mobius and saw pride on his face.

“You’re gonna take my job if I’m not careful.”

“Now to pitch it to Renslayer.” You said and Mobius nodded, already halfway out of your office. He closed the door behind him and you looked at Loki. “I don’t think I’ve seen him this excited in a while. In fact, the last time I saw him this excited, I think we saw a jet ski on a mission.”

Loki smiled to himself, though the expression disappeared when he looked back at you.

“And what about you?”

“Hm?” You tilted your head slightly, caught off-guard by the question.

“What excites you?”

You held his gaze for a couple of moments, feeling uncomfortable with how he looked at you, as if he knew something about you that you didn’t know about yourself.

You finally looked away, standing up.

“We should go meet Mobius. We’ll be heading out as soon as he gets the approval.”

“You say this like it’s a sure thing.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Renslayer say no to him. Come on.”

——

The rain sounded a hundred times louder when you were listening to it hit the roof of the Roxxcart, so loud that you could barely hear the sound of your own voice above the noise.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, positioning your reset baton defensively. The man standing by the plants seemed to hesitate slightly, although he was still much too calm for this kind of weather.

“Hurricane sale. Azaleas are half-off.”

“Could that be you?” You asked Loki, your eyes never leaving the man. Although his eyes continued to look between you and Loki, his gaze lingered on you longer.

“I… mean… I would’ve worn a suit, but it could be.”

You took a couple steps towards the man and he backed up, looking at you pleadingly.

“I don’t want to do this.” He said quietly and you tilted your head slightly, confused.

You took another step towards him.

“What-”

He grabbed your arm and a warm feeling came over your body.

A woman’s voice in your head lulled you to sleep, promising to bring you home and then everything went dark.

…

“Sylv, why are you acting so weird?” You asked, taking another sip of wine.

The blonde woman across from you smiled, although you could tell that she was forcing it for your sake.

“Another one of my suitors came and visited me today.” She said. You made a face and she laughed slightly.

“Complete fools, every one of them.”

“Fools for being deeply in love with me?” She asked, raising an eyebrow, almost as if she was allowing herself to play the part for a couple of brief moments.

“No, I’m above self-flagellation. They’re fools for thinking that they could ever win your heart.”

She laughed.

“And why is that?”

You leaned back in your chair.

“I have it on very good account that someone already has it.” You said and Sylvie‘s smile faded and her gaze didn’t quite meet yours, almost as if her mind was preoccupied elsewhere.

She looked back at you, her look apologetic.

The scene around you grew distorted, nothing quite clear anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

Her words repeated everywhere around you like you were in an echo chamber rather than…

Rather than…

Where were you?

The blonde woman that had been there a moment ago disappeared and with her, everything else.

…

When you came to, Mobius was kneeling beside you, waiting for you to wake up.

“C-7… are you okay?” He asked slowly, looking at you with more concern than you think anyone else ever has.

You propped yourself up and you looked around wildly for Loki or for the blonde woman- Sylvie- who had been in your head.

“Where are they?” You asked and you hated how desperate your voice sounded.

“They escaped. Take it easy, the Variant did a number on-”

“Mobius, I have to find her.” You said, trying to stand up only to be overwhelmed with nausea and dizziness.

Mobius supported you, keeping you from falling back onto the ground.

“I know. And we will, but we have more pressing issues right now. Come on.”

You didn’t protest, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to convince Mobius even if you promised to get him a jet ski afterwards.

What you had to do now, you would do alone.

He helped you through the portal back to the TVA and the rest of your team followed, all of them being immediately assigned to different Nexus events that were happening simultaneously.

You, being injured, were given the pass to stay back at the TVA.

You wondered if the Timekeepers knew what you were about to do, if they could’ve predicted it- after all, they were the ones who had made you, right?

You headed to the sector of the TVA where they issued TemPads, looking at the data of where all the TemPads were jumping to and from when you stumbled upon something odd- there was a TemPad that only had one jump registered in its entire history.

TVA to Lamentis-1, 2077.

Huh.

The Variant- Sylvie- whatever her name was, must’ve found out a way to stop the TemPad from feeding data into the system, but it must’ve reset when she jumped to the TVA.

You grabbed one of the TemPad’s that were out of commission for charging, unplugging it.

It was low on battery, but it would have to do.

You opened a portal for yourself using the exact same coordinates and time that they had put in and without any hesitation, you walked through.

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unlikelyempathpruneauthor · 3 years

Text

Girls just wanna have fun

summary: the girls and you take over the first set of the guys concert for fun and as a joke, but you guys are really good which makes fans go crazy with how real you all sound like a real band.

Setlist: Babylon, Valentine, Ghost of you, No shame,Wildflower.

a/n: this is a 12 in the morning idea lol, thought it would be really cool to write this and of course the reader spends time with calum practicing the bass haha. I thought it would be cute for all the guys to see their girls in different settings.

a/n: august 2nd, fuck it i’m posting it lol

“this might sound silly, but it sounds like a good idea too.” michael said as cal spoke up, “out with it then clifford.” he said as you all giggled very interested in what he had in mind for the guys, or well for you ladies, but you didn't know that.

“What if our ladies do the first set of our concert?” he said as Crystal spoke, “Wait actually?” she said as you and the girls raised your eyebrows looking at one another while the guys were actually considering it. “that would be a fun idea actually.” Luke spoke as Sierra laughed, “you really think fans would enjoy that? not saying that we're bad entertainers.” she said as you giggled and everyone continued to elaborate.

“it would be fun seeing the fans reactions when they are expecting us.'' Ash said as he also mentioned how the fans all enjoyed the time they switched instruments, from the guys' view the fans loved it. “Besides the fans always ask about you guys it would be a fun way for them to see you all together.” Michael said as kaykay spoke,“okay if we were to do it, when would we do it cus if we're actually playing and singing we need to practice.” kay kay said as you nodded, “i agree with that,” you said as cal looked over at you with a smile, “wait your actually considering it?” he asked as you nodded with a giggle, “i mean it could be fun and we are all going,” you shrugged as all the everyone nodded. Cal knew you were a pretty nervous person so he didn't want you to feel pressure at all, since you two also had just announced that you were dating for a while now. But it would be a nice way to get the fans to know you too since they know the other girls very well. After planning rehearsal time, the set list, and the final date you were pretty much prepared, you just had to dread the planning time on your half.

You were only doing one of the main 5 songs that fans enjoyed a lot when the guys sang, so it was pretty easy going for all of you to do the main one, since a whole set was pretty intimidating especially to you, but 5 songs wasn't that bad. Of course the girls and you had some sort of experience with playing their instruments, since quarantine. You had told all the girls on facetime what you were up to, and they had been doing the same as you.

“So what have you been up to y/n?” sierra asked as you held your finger up and moved the camera to the bass, “this is so weird, but i've been playing the bass with cal, since you know we're pretty much stuck here, i thought it would be cool to learn.” you said as kaykay gasped, “no way! So have I but with the drums, Ash has been teaching me a little, it's so fun!” she said as you gave you a virtual high five, “This is so weird that you guys are mentioning this, but Luke has been teaching me too, its so weird, he came up to me with his guitar and he was like ‘let's have a jam session’ and i got the hang of the piano and the guitar.” sierra said as crystal spoke up and you thought it was so uncanny, but i mean it was pretty practical that you would all be learning how to play the guy’s instruments.

“I think they planned this because Michaels been teaching me how to play as well..” she said as you were all laughing and then Sierra spoke, “I think I see a band about to be immense,” she said as you all continued your conversations.

You all had been practicing for a while so you had some skill. Of course then you hadn't thought anything about that, but you kinda thanked cal for teaching you a little bit, since now you were going to do it live as a joke, but you were actually going to play and sing.

Though practice was enough for you guys to be prepared you also had to rehearse together to see how you all sound with one another. The singing part was easy for all of you since you guys would always sing. The boys had no doubts, they knew you would vocally sound good, but you girls already knew that since you had gone to a vocal coach and she even loved your vocals all together. She had even told you guys you were all able to make it as stars, but I mean you were only doing it one time for fun. As you all arrived to rehearsal you and girls had even dressed up like the boys, you thought it would be fun because you guys were also doing some video diaries for fun for fans to see the behind the scenes. When the cameras started rolling and the guys did the intro before the cameras were on you as the guys would watch.

“Did you guys dress up as us?” Luke asked as Sierra nodded, “holy shit i just realized that,” michael said and you started laughing how identical she dressed up as look and also michaels reaction, “for promo purposes we had to, also that screams Luke, sierra looks way better luke im sorry,” kaykay sneered as luke began to sniff and fake cry and you giggled from what she said in the beginning, Crystal then added, “okay, but have you seen y/n, she literally has everything on point.” she giggled as you stood up showing your outfit, “yeah, it's not that hard when you can sneak into his closet, just that the pants were a little big, so i bought my own.” you giggled as you all were explaining your outfit, “did cal not notice?” ash asked as you shrugged which was when cal had walked in, “noticed what? Love did you go through my closet?” Cal asked as you all just started laughing at how he had just noticed you were all dressed up very similar.

“But also, kaykay, is very on point as you can see, with the bandana, the loose tank and of course the sticks.” you said as kaykay and you hugged one another like cal and ash would.

After the various jokes you had started to rehearse and the only thing to say was that you were all so identical to them, but before that the talented just screams out of you. You all were so good the guys were looking at the cameras worried, “i think we might be out of a job soon,” cal joked as luke nodded and the guys were laughing, “they are actually really good like actually,” ash said as he was clapping and whooping as the other boys followed. Cal and the guys even had his flashlight on when you were singing Ghost of you.

“Dude, they are so good, they have been planning this haven't they?” Michael said as you were done with the set completely, you all were confident that you were gonna kick ass that night. Even if this was just a prank set, you were all actually really good, like really.

Cal was so proud of you, that all the practice you two had done was good for you, he was hoping you would actually even consider doing more music stuff. The boys were all proud of you guys and of course their ladies, they all had agreed as well that you guys have so much talent, but they knew this life wasn't for you guys, since separation would be much bigger, unless you toured together….but i'm getting ahead of myself.

Once you all hit the tour bus and were on your way to the first concert of the tour, you girls were actually playing tonight, you weren't as nervous as you thought you were, but at the same time you were a nervous wreck. You and Cal were cuddled up in your bunk as you were watching a movie, “are you nervous for tonight?” he asked as you giggled a little, “i mean yeah kinda, but that's normal right?” you asked as he nodded, “yeah it is, and besides you guys are really good, like actually, all that practice is going to be worth it.” he said as you nodded and he had his arms over your body. He loves how involved you are with his life and his career, and how supportive you are. You were always there for him and he will always be there for you too, even if this was a little way to entertain the fans and make a funny thing out of it.

As you arrived at the venue, you were getting excited as you and the girls had stayed in your dressing rooms getting ready while the boys were doing sound checks and greeting fans with VIP passes. You were still doing video diaries so you were all pretty chill and relaxed once you arrived at the dressing room and started to change and get prepared.

“Okay, so right now the guys are currently doing their thing while we change, and get into character, so uh..yeah.” you giggle as you all do your thing while the cameras are rolling and trying to catch small moments of you all. “Are you guys nervous?” the guy behind the camera asked as you all prused your lips, “uh not really, we all rehearsed and practiced i think we'll be great,” kay kay said as you giggled, “okay but we actually sound like a band when you say that.” you giggled as Sierra and Crystal nodded.

You all were getting into your guy’s signature clothing when it came to doing live performances and the end result is so uncanny. You were getting into the signature skater pants and black top with some vans. You had curled your hair slightly a lot like cal’s when it's curly wanting to have some of your hair out of your face. Sierra had worn the yellow silk shirt with classic leather black pants and a pair of boots, an outfit that fans loved, and Sierra killed it in that shirt. Crystal had worn a jean jacket with black pants with some boots, which you could say, SHE KILLED IT. Kaykay had gone with a red button up and some skinny jeans with some boots and let me tell you SHE ALSO KILLED ITTTTT. You all had killed it, it was perfect. You occasionally threw in the “i have no idea what we are doing?” for the video because you knew that had to be in there and the girls all laughed when you did it.

When you all got in for a picture together you literally posed like the guys and you were all getting quite excited for what's about to come. Minutes had passed by and the guys had come in and they were all kinda surprised with your outfits and they were slightly impressed, “hey, you look really good by the way good luck out there.” Calum said as he walked over to you with a hug as you hugged him back, giving him a kiss. Everyone was greeting their partner giving the last minute good luck before you left. You had recorded more stuff for the video diaries, of course you all were listening to Nickleback before going on the stage and you now understood how this helped with the nerves.

You then were all getting suited up as kay kay had walked out on stage while the lights were off and started playing some beats before you all went on. From what you guys could hear the fans were going crazy, this was going to be one fun night. The boys had headed up to the very front to see the show. you and sierra created one of the most funniest moments in the diaries, “y/n, we should do the acoustic set moment!” sierra said as you giggled and nodded, “oh my gosh yes!” you said as the cameras were rolling and kay kay was still entertaining the fans out there, “..wait what are we doing? Are we gonna..?” sierra said as you looked back at her trying not to break character, “i think its an acoustic set.” you said as she walked over to you confused, “an acoustic set?....IT SOUNDS A BIT LOUD FOR AN ACOUSTIC SET Y/N!” she said as you just laughed not knowing what to do, that's when the backstage team had signaled you to all get out there running out and playing your chords for the intro as the fans at first were confused but when they noticed it was you girlies, they all began to scream and there was no end to the cheering. You looked over to the camera and looked over and said, “i still have no idea what we are doing.” you screamed as the fans were still cheering and you were so overwhelmed and excited, “fuck it” you screamed.

Then beat to Babylon had started and the fans went nuts as you were all playing as if you were a literal band, the fans cheering didn't stop until you started singing and they sang along with you. From the audience the boys were all cheering for you and none of the fans had even noticed they were there, that's how realistic this looked.

“Burn too bright, now the fire's gone, watch it all fall down!” you sang as the fans cheered you all and you began to giggle a little, you were able to even hear the guys cheering.

“So, holy cow, i don't know how the guys do this, but this is tiring, you gotta hand it to them.” Sierra said out of breath as you took a small break but made sure to hurry it up, “yeah they are pretty good at this, crystal, kay kay? How are you guys doing?” you asked as kaykay responded, “honestly great, i mean i get to sit down for most of this, but these girls are killing it.” she said as the fans cheered and all you could really do is giggled. “What about your crystal?” Sierra asked, “I'm doing fine, lots of head banging but it's there,” she said as you all laughed.

Then the beat to valentine had started and the fans were going crazy again, this was so new to you, all of you, you all liked this feeling, it was something you all had never got to feel, and it was one of those “i want to see what its” like moments, and you all enjoyed it. Whenever one of you would stop singing the fans continued on with the lyrics, which made you happy. You were all happy they are enjoying you guys.

“Valentine, valentine, valentine..” all of you sang as the beat continued to ghost of you, and yet again the fans screamed once again. Sierra started it off as the fans sang along waiting for your line, which from instagram you heard that it was one of their favorites because of the way cal would sing it, so yes you studied a little for this, “cleaning up today, i found that old zeppelin shirt, you wore when you ran away, and no one could feel your hurt, too young, too dumb, to know things like love, i know better now, better now.” you said as fans yelled waiting for the part where you all sang, “Dancing through our house with the ghost of you” you sang as fans were cheering on.

You then took a small break before heading onto the next 2 songs, “you guys are such a good audience we really thought you wouldn't like us.” Sierra laughed as you laughed, nodding as the fans yelled no. you saw a fan had yelled a question, “wheres duke?” she said very quietly but you heard her, “ did you ask where duke is?” you asked as you looked at the fan who asked and she nodded which made the girls laugh seeing you interact with the fans. “Duke's home with one of our friends I believe,” you spoke as all awed.

Then the beat to no shame had started and you were so excited for this one, it was your favorite song on the new album, “so we're gonna do like 2 more songs on the new album just for you guys.” you spoke as the cheered and sierra had started it, and for this one you didn't do much singing since in this one luke is the only one sining but there was also some added harmonies, but not much.

Sierra had killed this song completely shocking Luke, he had heard you guys sing this so many times, but hearing it live with fans singing it made it sound so good. You and Sierra had been the ones who took one for the team and sang one of their solos. You two didn't really mind and kay kay and crystal were not really up for it, but they had both said you two should do it and well here you were, no backing out now.

“Got no shame. I love the way you're screaming my name” she sang as the fans went wild and the beat to wildflower had started and you were getting ready to sing, “this is the last song we can sing for you guys, it's called wildflower, and out lovely y/n will be taking the lead here.'' Sierra said as the crowd went wild and you just smiled looking over at Cal who was just so proud, like we said before even if this was for a small joke, the talent you all carried was surreal. Seeing you sing this song made him feel many emotions, you were kinda hot singing this. All the boys thought their girls were hot right now, they had no idea how they were gonna continue the show with all these feelings they had that just wanted to come out.

“You're the only one who makes me. Every time we. Tell you what I like. My wildflower!” you sang finally as kaykay ended with the drums and you all had gone in the middle and bowed getting lots of cheering.

“That's all we have today fro you all, thanks for your cheering this was actually awesome.” Sierra said as you all nodded and you all left the stage as they were all cheering. Once you were all off you all got into a group hug and just celebrated this. You all enjoyed yourselves up there and honestly you were all down to do it again, but you were all happy with being able to do it once.

Before leaving to go see the guys, you had recreated a couple more of the diaries moments,

“Kaykay, my best friend, gonna be friends till the very end. Kaykay my best friend gonna be friends til the very end. Take it to the.. I love this gal, so damn much, i love this gal.” you said attempting to do the same movements as cal. As kaykay had kept playing the guitar and sierra walked up to you, “y/n my best friend, me and her until the very end, kaykay, is **********, i hate you so ******* much.'' Sierra said as you all continued to laugh, not being able to believe that you did this without laughing. You then all had gone down as well to see them and give them your support. Lucky fans didn't recognize you and you were able to enjoy the show.

After the show you all had headed to a hotel tired but full on energy at the same time. You had all gotten separate rooms to celebrate alone with your s/o the success of the beginning of the show and the start of the tour. The boys were definitely were wanting to see you guys preform again.

This is like some of the reactions fans would have.

@5SOSUPDATES:

THE FACT THAT THEY DRESSED EXACTLY LIKE THE GUYS IS SO CUTE.

@CALM5SOS:

So who wants to talk about how the girls took over the first set?!?!?

@Lukstannings:

Okay but Sierra was rocking the yellow silk button up.

@mikeycliffordstan:

NO ONE TOLD ME THEY CAN SING

@ghostofyou5sos:

NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW Y/N LITERALLY SANG CAL’S PART IN GHOST OF YOU THE SAME WAY HE DID.

@5SOSWILDFLOWER:

SIERRA SINGING NO SHAME AND Y/N SINGING WILDFLOWER IS LITERALLY ALL I NEED TO LIVE.

@c-swizzle:

Y/n’s spot on, her hair, her bass playing, she is literally calum in the making.

@cliffordhemmings:

Kaykay on the drums, is literally a dream of mine and it came true.

@y/nkaysierracrystalstan

They need to be a band idc what you say, you can't change my mind.

@5sosashsupdates:

Kaykay and Ashton are a couple goals.

@5sosmichealupdates:

Crystal wore michaels jean jacket. This is everything I need.

@ashiriwinsstan:

PLEASE THEY LITERALLY RECREATED SO MANY MOMENTS FROM THE DIARIES

@5SOS:

Looks like our ladies took over yesterday on the first set, might need to happen more often.

#calum hood imagine #calum hood #5sos calum #calum 5sauce #calum hood 5sos #calumthomashood #5sos fanfic #5sos imagine

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stanknotstark · 3 years

Text

Truth Serum

Hello everyone! My name is Amber and I’m not new to writing however I am new to actually posting my writing but recently I really got back into Loki with all the trailers dropping and stuff and I’ve had so many ideas crossing my mind so I figured I’d write some of my ideas out and post them here! Honestly this is my first time writing for Loki so he might be a bit OOC until I really get him under my buckle! This piece doesn’t have a lot of Loki in it because I’m also testing out writing with more than two people getting focus so I apologize in advance but I’ll probably write the 2nd piece tomorrow where Loki confronts ‘you’. Enjoy! Gif not mine!

You had just finished sweeping and mopping in Tony’s lab because there was glass on the ground. The only abnormal thing was that there was opalescent liquid in-between all the broken glass, your guess was that it must have been in some vial for safe keeping meaning you should have been careful.

Should. Key word right there.

Realizing you had gotten some of the mystical liquid on yourself you quickly finished up cleaning then found Tony who was visiting with Steve in the living room.

“Tony, Tony, Tony,” You incessantly said in a sing song voice as you approached, “Heya, Stevo.”

“Look there was a broken vial in your lab and you know I was down there for my blueprints and while cleaning said broken glass the liquid might have touched my skin....”

Tony frowned and Steve’s eyes widened and looked at Tony.

“Listen just tell me if I’m dying or not?”

Tony stood there staring at your face for another few seconds before you literally saw the realization hit him like a bus. Tony smiled.

“You know I’ve always had this question in the back of my brain since you said your blueprints were apparently....’Only meant for clearance level 10s’ I think I remember you saying...”

You frowned at Tony and shrugged, “I mean...no one is level 10 so don’t be offended...What does that have to do with this?”

“What exactly are those precious blueprints?”

You were going to give a witty remark but suddenly it was like word vomit and you couldn’t stop the next words from flowing out of your mouth, “They’re a new helmet I’m making for Loki that include audio, kinda like headphones, so he can listen to his favorite Mid-guardian books while on missions with us.”

Tony smirked which then turned into a full on smile before letting out a laugh. Steve looked at you with a confused puppy look on his face. You, unfortunately, realized what that liquid was.

“Tony I swear to God if that liquid I touched was a truth serum I’m literally going to castrate you!”

Tony, still laughing, put his hands up in a surrendering way and shook his head.

“I’m not the one that decided to clean up a mysterious liquid in my lab, of all places, without proper cleaning gear!”

At this point everyone in the room was looking at you three. Natasha and Clint were on one couch in the living room, Loki sat with his legs criss cross, back to the window overlooking NYC, and Wanda and Vision sat on the opposite couch from Natasha and Clint. The only two missing were Thor and Bruce. Much to your luck as you looked around at everyone, you realized they all overheard Tony because they all had mischievous smirks crossing their faces.

“STOP! I’ll answer questions BUT nothing too personal please...” You said putting on your best puppy eyes and giving an exasperated sigh. Surprisingly enough you looked at your crush, Loki, and saw he was the only one without a mischievous smirk, for once. He did however put down the book he had been reading and instead had a focused look on his face as he played with the green magic floating between his hands. No one else paid him any mind though.

“Who’s your favorite Avenger?” Natasha shot out leaning back into the couch with a smirk.

“Tony.”

“YES!” Tony shouted pumping a fist into the air.

“Why?” Natasha asked.

“Because he’s like a dad to me, not to mention he makes us really cool gear meaning I don’t have to slave away in the lab by myself anymore.” You rolled your eyes as you finished the sentence. Tony beside you pulled you into a gut crushing hug and said, “Awe, FRIDAY can you put up adoption papers on my computer in the lab and set a reminder to fill them out later today?”

“Tony, stop, God, you’re embarrassing.” You pushed from his hug, blushing.

“For some reason I’m not really surprised.” Nat said shrugging.

You giggled and made your way to the middle of the room, taking a seat in an available love seat, Tony and Steve coming to stand behind it.

Next Wanda sat up with an excited look on her face and asked, “Who do you think is the strongest Avenger?”

Thor walked in and gave a hearty chuckle, “Me, of course!”

“No, actually, I think it’s a tie between you, Wanda, and Loki.”

“What, no no, surely you’re mistaken, dear?” Thor said now chuckling nervously.

Steve smiled over to him and shrugged, “No, Thor, she accidentally touched a truth serum, this is as honest as she’ll ever be buddy.”

“Why am I one of the strongest Avengers?” Loki asked, his hands still playing with the magic but his complete attention on you.

“Your magic may not be on Wanda’s par, at least what I know about it, but you’ve endured quite the amount of emotion grief and came out on top so I guess I see you as the strongest, emotionally...” You finished with a wince since it kind of aired out Loki’s dirty laundry and was a bit mushy if you were being honest. Loki hummed but went back to focusing on his magic.

Thor frowned then a happy look over took his face, “Are you in love with anyone in the room?”

“Whoa!”

“Thor!”

“Wait, Thor!”

You laughed out loud and let the answer go freely, unconsciously glancing back to Loki who wasn’t looking at you but had a raised brow and seemed to only be half focusing on the green magic cloud in his hands, “Yes.”

“Thor buddy that’s a bit personal.” Tony said, an eyebrow raised in a disappointed dad sort of way.

“My apologies!” Thor said making his way to the kitchen, “I hear a Poptart calling my name, perhaps a smores today.”

“Is it fair to say we may ask questions about this love interest considering it’s one of us?” Vision asked with a vexed look on his face.

Loki cleared his throat and everyone gave him attention, “Perhaps we should keep that as a restricted topic considering she did say nothing too personal?”

You weighed the pros and cons in your head, while you were nervous for Loki to find out it was him maybe this was the way to get it out in the open. Lord knows you would take advantage of it considering every time you spoke with Loki nowadays you turned into a blabbering mess and tended to leave every conversation read in the cheeks from fluster and embarrassment.

“I don’t mind you asking questions but don’t out right ask me his name.” You said deciding to get this over with.

“Well we can cut out Natasha and Wanda then.” Tony said catching onto you saying him. “Reindeer games what on Earth are you doing anyways?”

Loki glanced at Tony and smirked, “Nervous?”

Tony frowned and backed up a bit, “You know, I wasn’t but I am now...”

Loki chuckled and went back to focusing on his magic flowing freely between his fingers and pulsing between his hands now, “Nothing that will harm anyone, Stark, don’t get your britches in a bunch.”

You smiled at Loki then looked around at everyone, “Ok, hit me!”

“I know you said don’t ask a name but you did just say Tony was a father figure I was hoping you didn’t...” Clint started and ended softly with fear in his eyes.

Seeing as it wasn’t a full question you didn’t feel word vomit coming up but decided to play around with Clint since he never ceased to prank you all the time.

“I might have a daddy kink...” You said looking up at Tony, trying your best to give him a lustful look but couldn’t hold in your laughter when Clint started gagging, “No, Clint, it’s not Tony.”

You laughed a bit when you heard Tony let out a heavy sigh of relief. You then brought a hand up and covered your giggle when Clint said a tiny, “Oh thank god.”

“I swear, it better not be Vision, he’s mine!” Wanda said suddenly with wide eyes.

“Not vision.” You responded.

You could feel Tony’s fingers behind you rhythmically tapping on the leather love seat, showing his growing impatience.

“It’s not Steve, Tony.” You said trying to placate the man since he had told you in confidence that he was trying to find a good way to ask the man out.

“You realize that only leaves Clint...and me, right?” Loki said with an unsure smirk. You gave the man a smile and stood up. Loki had finally finished playing with his magic, halfway through you realized what he had been doing seeing as you felt the truth serum slowly letting up in you. He had finally worked out the chemicals from your system and you were back to normal.

“Unfortunately I’m not outright telling you all who it is, if you haven’t been paying attention to me recently that’s on you.” You said before heading towards the kitchen, Loki still smirking as he watched you walk away.

“I feel a smores Poptart calling my name too.”

After you had disappeared Clint cleared his throat and looked at Loki, “It’s totally me, sorry i mean have you seen these guns, Loki? You have nothing on me.”

Loki chuckled and picked his book back up, “I think I have more to offer than you think Clint, but keep telling yourself it’s you if it helps that mortal brain of yours sleep at night.”

#loki x reader #loki laufeyson #loki odinson #reader insert #truth serum pt. 1 #my writing

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youwontlikethisblog · 3 years

Text

How Was I Supposed To Know!

When Betty got her new look Armando had to place her feelings before his own. He had to make himself not only think about his own interest but also Betty's and learn to talk to her as a person instead of just his assistant that he confides in.

As both Betty and Armando said they had a cerebral relationship so their topics of conversation didn't go into the personal, at least Betty's didn't. Armando has always been open about his commitments to the family, Marcela, and Eco Moda and the struggles that come with that to Betty. He has tried to resonate and explain his side of things and as he says, he likes explaining himself to Betty.

So far their relationship has always been one sided. Betty is the one that is constantly giving in terms of emotional support and time while Armando doesn't really sacrifice much, in fact he doesn't sacrifice at all(And saying that he sacrifices himself by kissing Betty etc. isn't a sacrifice he's doing selflessly, but selfishly so it doesn't count as one). He was trying to to be careful of his temper way before he was aware that he could have feelings for her. He didn't always stick by that but there was an attempt at it but that's not enough.

The day Betty went to get her Make-Over Armando was already busy thinking of her. When Freddy asked him to not fire Aura Maria for being tardy again Armando said "Look Betty" looked confused, shook his head and then proceeded to talk about the subject at hand.

When Betty arrived to Eco Moda and he saw her he didn't react on the spot, in fact when he got mad that she had interrupted(honestly it's funny because when they end up sleeping together she ends up interrupting his entire seggs life.) his make out session with Marcela when he saw her reaction all of a sudden the anger vanished and a guilty and concerned expression sat on his face. When Marcela started to make fun of her Armando got angry at her and didn't even continue the flirtatious conversation he had been having with Marcela or make a move to return to kissing her. He gave her his back while in the past he went after her when she'd stop the make out when Betty would interrupt them. This time it's he who doesn't want her.

This starts as a snowball effect. The night before he witnesses people making fun of her and disrespecting her which caused him to get so upset and furious that someone would do that to Betty, again he starts slowly thinking about Betty's feelings before his own.

The next day that carry's on when Patsy Pats, Marcela, and Hugo make more fun of her and it contrast with a previous scene(You Betrayed Me! post and Betty's New Look post). He once more gets angry at them, shows his disapproval and visibly shows that he is on Betty's side on something so personal, even when he doesn't like it because he's thinking about how Betty must feel and he gets upset that people dismiss her or as he says; disrespect her.

What does all of this even have to do with this episode(The morning of Betty's B-Day)?

Armando shows up telling Mario that the previous night Betty was very passionate and that he had to stop her three times, that she said he loved him, that this and that. Y'know classic complaining.

Mario celebrated that Betty said she loved him, that it's what they had been working towards(I've always found it so gross how Mario does feel like he shares in that relationship and in turns Betty(this is a foreshadowing of the future). However, Armando has allowed this and he has welcomed Mario into that relationship and made him a third participant, even if it's by living through it vicariously). I will emphasize that Armando doesn't really go into detail in the scenes we get, he mostly only goes into it when he is being clueless about what to do next or when he's frustrated. Most of the times he withholds giving Mario too much detail, but he still does. It's like one moment he's doing good and I'm cheering him on and then the next he trips and falls backwards like ten steps back and I'm yelling at my screen!

Anyway lets get back to this.

Mario once again makes fun of him and tries to make him uncomfortable with telling him that he needs to put out or tell Betty that he'll do it through telepathy or artificial insemination. Armando tries to explain that he won't ever do that with Betty.

I know I keep explaining this little by little and because of it I keep bringing up stuff that I've already addressed in previous post but this is a slow burn so it's worth it.

Armando has always only ever felt physical attraction with women. What is physical attraction? Physical attraction satisfies the human body's desires and wants. As Armando said in the past; with the models he had been hooking up with he did want to sleep with them but as soon as it was over with he didn't feel anything. This correlates with his borderline s. addiction. We understand how and why he sleeps around with models. He is superficial(obsessed with perfection, especially when it comes to women's body), he has no "real" control over his life or future so he does it to feel like he does have control in choosing who he sleeps with and for escapism of his reality. We understand that so lets move on to the next topic of this subject.

He feels physically satisfied with the models and Marcela but emotionally he no longer does. So when it comes to Betty he deflects all attraction to her because he physically isn't attracted to her(I stress this out in mostly every post lol). However, Armando has a very strong emotional attraction to Betty, one that moves him and motivates him behind the curtains.

What is emotional attraction? Emotional attraction is to satisfy the human's emotional and spiritual body. In other words; one feels a satisfaction when all their emotional, spiritual, cerebral, and none physical needs are met and because of this their attraction continues to grow with that person.

While Physical Attraction is fleeting and not reliable; Emotional Attraction is stable and reliable.

Due to the fact that he has been a man who has only experienced physical attraction to women he ignores his emotional attraction to Betty and because of this spends most of his time confused about his feelings.

I don't want to always be repeating myself so I recommend you guys read(in case y'all haven't yet) my posts Betty, My Betty parts 1-3, Tonight A Dream of Mine Has Come True, You Betrayed Me!, Betty's New Look(I will edit this list in case I missed a post, I've been writing a lot of them lol).

In my post: Betty's New Look, I explained a lot more about Armando's seggsual behavior.

To a certain degree Armando does view Betty as a woman but not to the point where he is eager to jump her bones and it isn't until after they do(😏) that he does become eager for her and because it's all been based on an emotional attraction what he feels for her is something that makes him feel completely satisfied, both physically and emotionally.

Take notice of the previous episodes, when Armando and Betty were having emotionally charged conversations Armando was a bit more welcoming to kissing Betty. Before he fought Roman and Co. they were about to start a make out session(Roman make a joke that they were going to have a free 3x showing and the next day Mario said that if they were making those comments that it meant he and Betty must've been really busy) However days later when they're at the club Armando isn't all that eager to kiss her. He does kiss her but they're half honest kisses. It isn't until later that he's dropping her off, after they've somewhat had a conversation that involves their feelings that Armando welcomes and even initiates the kiss with Betty but when she starts getting eager he pulls away(I Don't Believe He Desires Me Part 2 post) and tells her that they can't get carried away and they have to be careful.

Since Betty tried a new look that same day Armando had to finally accept that he was her boyfriend and in a relationship with her but he also had to learn to take into account Betty's feelings and notice them as well. In that same episode he also had to begin to accept the idea of entertaining the idea of physical interactions with Betty.

This carry's on to the next few episodes. Armando is now somewhat aware of Betty's emotional needs and her desires and he is now personally affected when they are not met, especially when Betty is treated poorly, he takes it very personal.

In a sense one could say that Armando is coming around to the idea that he could possibly be feeling an emotional attraction to Betty.

As Mario and him continue to discuss how to go about cooling off Betty or whatever they hear a commotion outside of his office. The employee's are singing Las Mañanitas to Betty. They exit the office and Armando stops on his tracks as he realizes that they're singing that song to Betty. He visibly starts to breath rapidly and touches his forehead.

Now ironically both Armando and Mario share the exact same expression when they notice that Betty is the one being celebrated(although Mario had that same expression since he left the office lol).

Mario tells him "Ah, Betty's Birthday." Armando looks at him with his mouth opened.

"But I didn't know, she didn't tell me anything." (*1)He seems a bit angry and is still breathing rapidly.

"Well go on, congratulate your girlfriend."

Armando gives him a quick glance but his expression remains the same. He then stares at Betty who is across from the room. He swallows hard and clears his throat.

He no longer wears an expression on his face, even his voice is very professional.

"Betty we didn't know it was your birthday."

Bertha gasps and says "Sir you were the only that wasn't aware because everyone here knew or no?" Everyone agrees with her. Even Mario who is next to Armando says that they all knew. He's lying though because he too had the same surprised expression and now he's doing it to mortify Armando. Armando turns to look at him with wide eyes and his mouth open, he's surprised.

Could you imagine how he feels? His best friend who is a complete and total sleazbag "remembers" that it's Betty's birthday and that he knew all along but he, who is supposed to be the morally gray and better version of Mario, wasn't aware of his assistant's birthday, who so happens to be his girlfriend? He had two very important reasons to remember it. He must feel like crap.

"Listen Betty, allow me to cordiality extend a happy birthday greeting to you." He takes a few steps towards her and it looks like he wants to say and do more until he stops himself and notices everyone around. Betty too took a step or two forward but stopped as well. He slightly bows down and says "Happy Birthday." Betty smiles and nods once. Everyone starts chanting for him to give her a kiss. Armando turns to look at Mario and swallows hard and they awkwardly start to dance.

Betty leans her head up and moves from left to right while he licks his lips and he doesn't know where to kiss her but goes for the top of her head, well her bangs(it honestly looks like he was going to go for the lips for like a brief second lol).

Everyone starts to clap and Freddy, being the life of any party starts to go on a speech.

"Long live the party and the atmosphere of Eco Moda! Sir. Mario Calderón are you going to manifest yourself with another small kiss?"

Mario's expression is with wide eyes and a mouth hung open; shock. Armando looks at him with the same expression he always has in front of the employee's. Poker face however when Mario agrees Armando arches his brow at him. As Mario steps away to go give her a kiss and congratulates her, Armando is looking down and shifts.

After watching this exact same scene many times I find it interesting to say the least. Maybe I am reading too much into it but for the sake of this we'll say I'm not. Remember how Mario reacted when Armando said that Betty told him she loved him? He said that it was what they had been working for. To some degree, because Armando did somewhat share about his nights with Betty, Mario and Armando have been sharing Betty. Mario is incharge of the mechanical/details department and spelling things out for Armando so he can be successful in the relationship while Armando has been incharge of the mental, emotional, and physical department of the relationship. They are both Betty's boyfriend, except she is only aware of one. Mario is very aware of Betty's emotional and even physical needs because of Armando and he is incharge of hyping him up to commit to the plan, though on his part he does it for the sake of his money and his reputation, Armando does it for his ego, his confused feelings and lastly the company his parents funded and started(which involves Marcela and Daniel too and that's a whole other thing).

It also shows us that if Mario had taken Armando up on the plan that he should be the one to make Betty fall in love that he would have done so and even succeeded as he doesn't hesitate, walks towards her with his arms extended, touches her shoulders and gives her a kiss on the cheek all while smiling.

At first I thought, maybe he's amused that Mario now will have to do what he has had to do, or at least get a some taste of his medicine but as one does in body language, lets look at the context.

Before Mario agrees to give Betty a kiss when Freddy asks if he'll give one to her as well, Armando slowly turns to look at Mario with no expression on his face, except his eyes focused on him, when Mario agrees he arches his brow for just a second, as Mario walks with his arms extended towards Betty, he looks down, takes in a breath and closes his eyes.

I'd say there's a mixture of feelings going on here. For one, (*1)he's angry at himself for not remembering or knowing it was such an important day for Betty and two he doesn't like that Mario will kiss Betty, he feels frustrated over it all.

By the next camera frame of Armando we see him giving Hugo his angry face which is squinting eyes and lips on a line. His arms are folded in front of him.

Hugo as always insults Betty but the cuartel starts to chant for him to give her a kiss as well, who says that he won't because he has a cold sore, as he passes by we see Armando keeping his eyes on him, while still slightly squinting them, and his lips in a line but as Hugo gets closer to him his lips get tighter, he closes his eyes for a second or two and when he opens them briefly rolls his eyes and looks at the opposite direction for a second. We know Armando really dislikes Hugo but before at least to he tolerated him, however since the day Betty went and changed her look(for that day) Armando seems to have a special disdain for Hugo.

"Well then Armani, tell me did you give her her kiss already?" Hugo walks behind and stands between Mario and Armando.

Both Armando and Mario share different expressions. While Mario looks like he's throwing himself a self-pity party and wondering where his vanity and ego have gone Armando looks mad.

Marcela has now wrapped a hand around Armando's bicep and with the other she places it on it as well while she stares at him with a smile on her face.

"Yes." he respondes to Hugo, annoyed. His lips are drawn in for a brief moment(pursed lips). Previously he had been staring once again at the opposite direction of Hugo he stands to his left, now he stares to his right, but not at anyone or anything in particular. When he is done responding to Hugo his eyes move to glance at Betty, who looks at Marcela's reaction.

Marcela drops her hands and stares at him with disapproval. Armando once more, stares off to his right, with squinting eyes and lips tight in a line with his hands clasped in front of him.

Betty seems satisfied with Marcela's reaction.

However again, the difference in behavior between Armando and Mario is really interesting. While Mario scoffs but seems amused by Hugo's "jokes" Armando never changes his expression from anger except when he glances at Betty for a second, his eyes slightly widen when he hears Huge say "Ugliness is very contiguous." and then again glances away, squints his eyes, and then glances back at Betty.

Then Hugo proceeds to seggsually harass his bosses by groping their butts. Marcela looks at him amused, Armando widens his eyes but his mouth remains in a tight line and Mario turns surprised at Hugo.

I've got a hate-neutral thing with Hugo if I'm being honest. Whenever he's only interacting with Inesita I laugh at his "jokes", I say "preach" when he lectures Armando and Mario, and sometimes when he interacts with Armando I find him amusing but most of the time he could catch these hands. The actor is amazing. Hugo is a character that I personally don't like but even then I still find some of his scenes crudely funny and I hate that I do.

"Congratulations, Beatriz" Marcela says, Armando glances at Betty once more, his eyes constantly change expression when he looks at her, they go from squinting to softening, but his mouth still remains in a line. Marcela then walks away after Betty thanks her.

Armando then turns to look at Mario who is nodding and looks like he can breathe again,(but his expression that shows the slight smile for a second isn't because he actually does feel relieved, everyone is "laughing" at what Hugo did and he's trying to play it off cool. We know Armando feels uncomfortable with Hugo behaving this way towards him and we know that it affects him deeply(https://youwontlikethisblog.tumblr.com/post/655584505462161408/brutas-la-policia)) however he is still preoccupied with the second problem at hand, Betty's special day(I mean it really is y'all) and him trying to make up for it. However it's him, the not detail oriented at all Armando, who can't remember anything if it saved his life, who isn't very bright when it comes to feelings, he on the spot, in a way that doesn't alert anyone of his affair with Betty, needs to come up with something right there and then without the intervention of his very detail oriented side kick because it would alert Betty that Mario knows.

Armando suggest that they all buy Betty a cake and that they celebrate her birthday later on in the afternoon at the office(going in hand that he wants for Betty to cool off) and looks happy with the suggestion.

"No Sir we already took care of everything." Bertha replies.

"Well in any case, happy birthday, Betty." Armando smiles slightly when he looks at her but as he looks away from her and down his smile falls and he has a solemn expression on his face. He turns and starts to walk slowly.

The girls then start to question Betty about her boyfriend.

"What did he give you?" Sofia asks.

"Nothing yet." Betty replies timidly.

"But I imagine that he called you really early in the morning to sing Happy Birthday my love or no?" Mariana asks.

We get a camera frame of Armando and Mario standing at a distances eavesdropping the conversation. While Mario seems concerned(Remember they still think Nicolas is competition) Armando looks curious and mad as he observes Betty.

"No, minimum he presented himself in the morning and filled you with kisses."

"No, we haven't spoken yet." This implies to Armando that Betty is talking about him, not Nicolas.

"Ay no." Bertha inhales. "What a a downer to have a boyfriend that's not romantic, can you believe that?" While Armando attempts to keep a poker face, his eyes are still focused on Betty and he feels bad. Mario aka Mr. Dimples aka the Love Guru, aka Betty's third boyfriend(if we include Nicolas on the list) looks amused though because he knows he can have a field day with Armando over this.

"Would it be that he doesn't know? But that's crazy, no?"

"Sofia" they gasp.

"Enough Sofia, calm down y'all, don't y'all see that they barely started dating? Lets not ruin Betty's Birthday." Mariana aids Betty.

"Well I think it's really sad. Minimum he should manifest himself later on." Sandra says while Mario and Armando continue to overhear. Armando starts to bite his bottom lip(self soothing) and looks at Mario from the corner of his eyes who gives a slight nod.

They've got their solution!

Armando must manifest himself later on.

The last scenes I'll discuss on this post and will be "brief".

The following scene of Armando and Mario in his office(With the doors closed) show us a very pained Armando who is beating himself up while he gives Mario his back who makes Armando feel a lot worse.

"Did you see? Did you hear? What a disappointing guy." Armando looks pained. He blinks rapidly, grits his teeth and breaths rapidly as well. "See this poor girl finally has a boyfriend and how does he celebrate her birthday?" Armando has his brows furrowed. "with total abcentism and indifference." Armando now squints his eyes and draws in a quick breath while tightening his lips. He now sees that Mario is trying to make him feel worse instead of helping him.

"Enough!" Armando yells at him. "Damnit Calderón!" he walks to the other end of his desk and turns to look at Mario with a sad and defensive look. "I didn't know it was her birthday, I completely forgot(indicates that he actually knew the date) besides it's not like I was supposed to know!" He rebuts. "I was with her 'til midnight and she didn't say anything!" he whispers worried.

"Brother she's a woman. She probably expected that you'd remember. She probably thought that last nights outing was to celebrate her and midnight came around and what happened? Nothing. Nothing" he hisses at the end while squinting his eyes at Armando. "Could you imagine what she's feeling right now?" Armando parts his lips just a bit, he grits his teeth, his eyes squint slightly while his brows furrow and he has his arms folded in front of him. All of this helps us draw the conclusion that he's mad at himself and feels really guilty and worried about it all.

"What happened to your love, you obsession for her?" Mario's tone allows us to know that he isn't really criticizing Armando. He is enjoying his pain and enjoying the control over it.

"Stop criticizing me, Calderón." Armando looks at him annoyed and points at him. He straights up and walks behind his desk. "Stop criticizing me and help me find the solution, yeah? Please." he begs.

Then Mario starts to give him his stupid suggestion which is his version of the Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to Pres. Kennedy. Armando tells him that he prefers that he give him a card and a gift, that he'd conform to that.

"Yeah of course, a [insignificant] gift and card, a pat on the shoulder and done 'I saw you, good, what a pleasure' done no?"

"Well like Freddy says, forgive me but pardon me, I don't have anything else to offer Betty."

"Man what about an invitation to go out to dinner tonight?"

"An invitation for dinner? Sneak away from Marcela? For what? So she can kill me?" He hisses this = his main problem and unlike before by the lack of "worse/worst" we can conclude that that is biggest worry next to the one he names next "beside with the state Betty's in? No."

"Well yes you went out last night but what happened? Midnight came and you didn't celebrate anything. She continued being more Cinderella than ever before and you? Shun her out all night and you want her to forgive you? With an insignificant gift?"

"Do you not remember the fierce state Betty's was in? Do you not remember that...fire she's had lately?" he asks urgently. "Besides it's her birthday. I won't get out of that if I take her out tonight." He tries to defend.

He feels terrible for his emotional callousness towards Betty and how that has to affect and hurt Betty. Armando has gone through a transformation in the past few episodes where now what ever happens to Betty he feels personally, it's called empathy, but it is magnified by the intensity and growth of his emotional attraction to her and while he gets angry when people disrespect her, he now feels angry at himself that he's the one that's hurting her in that moment and guilty for the pain she might be feeling.

However, when Mario again starts to suggest that he needs to take her out despite her fervent state, Armando's lack of(ignorance of) physical attraction to Betty is highlighted as now he cares more about himself than he does about Betty's feelings.

What does Mario get out of this? Well he obviously doesn't want their hard work to be thrown out the window but that's not really it. Since the start he has always been suggesting or insinuating that Armando sleep with Betty. What does that have to do with the plan? Aside from the fact that he's a deprived man? I think he just wants to make fun of Armando for it and hold it over his head to say "See you're not so perfect, you're worse than I am because at least I don't sleep with "exotic" women I find repulsive and do it for money. I do it with women I don't manipulate like you have with her."

"Man I don't know." Mario throws his hands up in the air. "This is your decision. You're touching very sensitive points in the soul of a woman." He exclaims and points his finger up as emphasize. Armando now looks at him with furrowed brows and wide eyes while he rubs his lips with his fingers(context clues allows us to determined that he does this to self-sooth because he feels stressed). "You could be throwing everything, all of our work, over the ledge. You could be creating a resentment factory just three meters from where you are." He points to her office. " Like that!" He snaps his fingers and Betty enters the office. "Just like that." He continues to snap his fingers and turns to look at her.

"Yeah bring it immediately, don't forget about the thing I made you responsible of." Armando looks worried.

"Yeah. Count on that." Mario nods and looks determined. Betty looks at him nervously and then proceeds to walk towards her office.

Now Armando doesn't look at her, instead he worries his bottom lip, stares at his computer, fidgets with his fingers and thumb and has furrowed brows, indicating stress and guilt.

"Beatriz." He calls out to her, looking up but not towards her. He finally lets his guard down as he drops his hand and shakes his head and worried he asks her " Why, huh?" he finally turns to stare at her and then spins on his chair to her direction "Why didn't you tell me anything?" he stares at her and stands up. "Why didn't you tell me you were turning years? I'm feeling really awful, I didn't know anything." Armando continues with the worried expression and his tone of voice matches this. He does feel really awful about it all.

"Oh sir... I was just embarrassed to." Betty timidly says and looks down and fidgets. Her behavior is a lot like a kid here where she shifts on her feet and sways around gently and stares down with a shy smile on her face.

"How are you going to feel embarrassed over your birthday, Betty? It's a very important date for me." he tries to reason and explain to her. "I wanted to share it with you." he says sincerely.

"Oh Sir, I know you're a very busy person with too many problems like for me to expect that you remember something that is especially really dumb like this." Armando looks hurt over this and also frustrated.

"It's because this isn't dumb for me, not at all. This date isn't dumb for me, Beatriz." He states.

"But it doesn't have an importance, Sir."

"No, for me it does have importance, your birthday is important to me." He is now moving from frustrated to being mad.

"No it doesn't."

"Yes it is." He tries to "play" along.

"No, Sir." Betty timidly smiles and replies.

"I said yes!" He screams at her. "That for me your birthday is important and what? For me it is!" He yells and stares at her with wide eyes, flared nostrils and lips tight and then he realizes that he screamed and yelled at her. "Your birthday is important.." He widens his eyes and walks to sit behind his desk.

"Yes, Sir." Betty looks down and looks hurt over his reaction. She was simply playing around and in her own way flirting with Armando, who doesn't like it when Betty tries to invalidate his feelings, especially when they are related to how he feels about her.

"How embarrassing, Beatriz, I didn't want to yell at you much less the day of your birthday. It's just that it makes me nervous when you tell me-when you don't tell me things." Betty looks at him and studies him(lemme finish his sentence because it actually holds meaning "it makes me nervous when you tell me that I don't feel what I feel." this is all based on context clues so I'm guessing that is what he wanted to say at first).

"Sir" She takes steps towards his desk "If I tell you it isn't it's not so you don't feel guilty over it. It's because for me it really doesn't hold any transcendence so why would it hold that for you?" She smiles.

"How is it that it doesn't hold transcendence for you? Explain that to me because I don't get that."

Remember how I keep pointing out that Armando has always been curious about Betty's personal life slash her intimacy? Here he is asking her a personal question and for the first time Betty is going to give him a glimpse of it.

"Normally when people turn age they make a huge celebration, inviting their friends over to their house, they sing, dance, but I've never been enthusiastic over that, well the only time that I had a birthday party it was because of my parents because I was turning fifteen but it was so so bad, so concurrent, that I never did anything like that for my birthday again." She chuckles.

What has Armando's behavior been like?

At first he was obviously paying attention to her but as she started to talk about her experience he first seemed surprised in an a "oh my god it's happening, nobody panic, it's happening." kind of way and the more she expressed herself, the more he felt for her as his final expression is one of him being sad. The corners of his mouth are down, there's a slight pout on his lips, he stares at Betty with his eyes slightly squinting at her.

"Don't worry, Sir." She smiles and walks to her office.

Armando follows her with his sight but as she shuts the door he stares off somewhere else with his brows now furrowed and his pouting intensifying.

For one he feels like he finally gets something into her personal life and the fact it's something that potentially has such an negative impact for Betty, at least enough to make her not want to ever have another party again, makes him sad. Though Betty didn't say exactly what went wrong, Armando can imagine what it could have been as he too was fifteen at some point and he knows how cruel people can be, especially fifteen year old's so it makes him sad that she's gone through that.

A few scenes later, the girls go ask Betty out for lunch for her birthday. Armando walks to grab a glass of water and starts to eavesdrop their conversation(He do be liking el chisme too, especially when it involves his fav. person, Beatriz Pinzón Solano.) as he hears the girls basically talk ish on her boyfriend for having yet to ask her out or make plans with her for her b-day.

Mariana again tries to aid Betty against the girls critique of her boyfriend.

"Beatriz." Armando calls to Betty, who was on her way to her office to grab her things after the girls left. "I wanted to ask you a favor and that's that you won't make plans for tonight." He stops looking at the book he head been "reading" when the secs. where at the door, and takes a step towards her. "I would love it if we could celebrate your birthday together." He is honest in asking her out.

"Really Sir?" Betty smiles big. Armando seems content with her reaction.

"Well of course, Betty. This is real." He smiles at her.

"Oh Sir but I don't want you to have problems with Ms. Marcela, we already went out last night." She whispers the final part.

"Don't worry about it. I'll take care of Marcela." he smiles and tries to reassure her.

Betty again tries to invalidate his efforts by saying "Ay Sir I don't want you to get into trouble." and Armando reacts classically'; angry Italian chef hand gesture.

"But I'm telling you no, take it easy, so what do we do then? Huh? Lets go out, yeah? Us together. Or what? Do you have some other plan?" He started off frustrated in an angry way and moved on to distrust.

"Nonono how could you think that?"

"I just wanted to know" we hear him say in a low tone.

"We'll see each other later on."

"Betty." He stops her again from walking into her office and winks at her while sending her a kiss via express mail(same day delivery?). Betty then flutters her right eyes and smiles at him and goes into her office.

His reaction after she leaves his him doing an "Ow" expression but he seems at peace with it.

Now moving forward to a new scene but still in the same time frame, Mario walks into his office and asks for any updates and I'm just mentioning this because I find his reaction funny.

Armando clarifies that he's taking Betty out to dinner later on that day and Mario smiles at him and starts to "clap" silently since Betty is in her office.

Compared to earlier in the day, Armando now looks like he's back on his grove. He looks at peace with his relationship with Betty, that she finally shared some personal information with him, they've set up a date, he doesn't feel bad that he forgot her birthday because she told him she didn't want him know(but she did want him to remember, she said so the previous night when her mom asked) and Mario is getting the gift, all is well.

Marcela in classic style then goes to be a controlling and possessive girlfriend once Armando leaves to lunch with Mario and starts to go through his things and finds AA's picture on his desk.

Aura Maria then tries to hype Betty up about her b-day date with her[Betty] boyfriend and that she'll give her tips later on for it.

Dumb Nicolas calls Eco Moda when Betty's off at lunch so he can talk to Patsy Pats again and because he's dumb like that(I love that character but when it comes to Pats I can't stand him) he starts to pretend like he's rich so he can get her attention

Fast-forward some scenes, Betty is back in her office when her phone rings. When she picks up Nicolas is singing "Happy Verde To You" while Don Hermes looks at Nicolas with annoyance.

"Aw Nicolas." Betty says sweetly and we see Armando slowly pick his head up(he was looking at some papers down on his desk that he was signing) and squint his eyes and turn to Betty's office. "I didn't think you'd remember my birthday. Very nice gesture." She chuckles.

For this next conversation I will omit what Nicolas says so we can view it from Armando's point of view.

"Aw Nicolas." Betty smiles and sounds flattered. "Ah Terra Moda?" She teases. "Oh um, but go out to dinner tonight?" she looks towards the little frosted window in her office, that's indirectly towards Armando's desk. "No it's not because of that, Nicolas." She explains. "What happened is that..." We now get a frame of Armando being nosy, again, and eavesdropping on the conversation, carefully paying attention to what she's saying. "my friends here, the girls from the cuartel have invited me out to celebrate my birthday and I'm already engaged with them." she lies. "Yeah don't worry about it, Nicolas, in any case, thank you so much." she smiles(you can hear someone's genuine smile through their tone of voice) "They'll turn up, don't worry." She teases.

Armando can conclude that Nicolas asked Betty out but she rejected him and lied to him, could be that he believes Nicolas was probably asking Betty if she had plans with another guy or didn't like him anymore, so Betty explains[lies] why she can't go out with him. Then that Betty is trying to reassure him that he'll find someone.

I omitted Nicolas responses because we get Armando's reaction a lot here so it has to mean that we're supposed to draw to the conclusion that it is important for us to know that Armando still considers Nicolas a threat but that he feels like he's winning now.

Now Armando's last reaction is more satisfaction than anything. He feels like he finally scored against Nicolas and he feels good about it.

Betty is now lying to Nicolas and not making plans with him so that she can go out with Armando, making him her number one priority once more and that makes him happy but because he hears Betty's enthusiasm and how comfortable she is while talking with Nicolas it doesn't build his confidence that Betty doesn't have anything with Nicolas.

However problems arise when Nicolas tells Don Hermes that Betty is going out with her friends and makes Doña Julia call her work friends so they can invite them for a celebration party at her house.

When she calls her mom to talk to her about it and when she hangs up Betty now has to find a way to fix this.

Take into consideration that Betty does want to go out with Armando but that after he yelled at her twice for Invalidating his feelings or efforts of him wanting to celebrate her birthday, she now has to consider his feelings and doesn't want to make him feel like he isn't important to her.

She goes out into his office and stands there, waiting for him to acknowledge her.

"What's up?" He asks when he stops typing.

"Sir um, what time do you think we'll be leaving tonight?" Armando has his hands laced together in front of him as he answers Betty.

"Around seven. Why Betty? What's going on with that face of yours? Like something worries you?"

"My parents are organizing a party for me and they've invited all my friends, including you."

"What Betty? Do you pretend I go there with all those women, the most gossipy women of all of Eco Moda, to your house?" here Armando is no longer willing to sacrifice. "To celebrate a birthday? that bore me, they bore me profoundly. I don't even celebrate mine, not in my house or anywhere. I find it very fed up." Betty's entire demeanor is sad. "but if you have that engagement then go ahead on do it. We leave our thing for another time."

"No, no, no." Betty kicks into gear. "Sir forget it. You come first. I prefer to go out with you." She reassure him. To her after his two outburst earlier this translate to him doing it as a reverse therapy kind of way, saying it isn't a problem, that he doesn't like those kinds of party's anyway, and added with his somber tone, Betty does think he is trying to not make her feel bad for it but that he does want to go out with her.

"You already have an engagement go ahead and comply with it."

"Sir let me fix this."

"No-no wait." He says as she leaves his office.

Armando isn't upset or arguing with Betty or trying to convince her to go out with him because he knows Nicolas isn't the one she's going to go out with. Now Armando, though being callous and honest, tells Betty that he doesn't like birthdays that they bore him and are nuisance and that he doesn't even celebrate his,

Betty then comes up with the plan for that night everything is fixed. Armando however fails to read the bold letters, I'd say lines but by this point everything is spelt out in front of him. He is being callous.

"[...] You decide at what time you want us to go out?" She smiles.

"But um-but-nonono- Be-Betty I-It's not necessary for you to go through all of that. Really I feel embarrassed with you, the party, the cake at your house-"

"No-"

"No really I-I don't know-"

"No Sir I talked with everyone; With my family, my friends. Everything is fixed." She smiles. Armando however doesn't seem too happy about it.

"Yeah?" He asks worried. "It's not a shame?" Betty picks up on this and looks away from him.

"Well Sir, I won't insist more." She takes in a deep breath and gives a small smile. "Pardon me." She starts to move towards her office.

"No-no, Betty come over here." He scratches his ear lobe in an effort to sooth his anxiety. "What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"No Sir, don't bother."

"What time do you want me to pick you up?" He speaks loudly and frustrated, however he is trying not yell at her.

"At ten?" She says softly and smiles at him. He nods and forces a smile. "Thank you, Sir."

He does the same expression once Betty enters her office, the "Ow" but at peace with it expression.

Armando is now making more of an effort to place Betty's needs before his own. He is now understanding, even if its a little bit, his feelings towards Betty, at least to the point that he is okay with some of them.

Betty is still timid but she's picking up his cues and when she questions them and she pulls away Armando tells her that it isn't like that at all. It's so important to understand this because many people have this misconception that Betty took advantage of Armando later on that night. I already talked more about this, however not that in depth related to that specific scene in the post I Don't Believe He Desires Me Part 2.

'Til next time!

#armando ysblf #don armando #armando mendoza #analysis of ysblf #beatriz pinzon solano #betty ysblf #betty pinzón solano #beatriz pinzón solano #yo soy betty la fea #betty la fea #betty #mario calderon #mario Calderón #Calderón ysblf

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bewitching-elizabeth-olsen · 3 years

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Press: Elizabeth Olsen and Jurnee Smollett Compare Notes on Genre-Blending Acting and Advocating for Performers on Set

VARIETY: Neither Elizabeth Olsen nor Jurnee Smollett are strangers to having to really stretch their imaginations to dive into complex characters and even more complicated worlds.

Both have superhero films on their résumés: Smollett portrayed Black Canary in DC’s “Birds of Prey,” while Olsen stepped into Wanda Maximoff aka the Scarlet Witch’s shoes for Marvel’s “Avengers” franchise and then some — including Disney Plus’ first Marvel series, “WandaVision.” They are both now Emmy-nominated for projects that tasked them with jumping through time, blending genres and telling epic love stories (Olsen with “WandaVision,” Smollett with HBO’s “Lovecraft Country”). And, even though they are up in different categories (Olsen in lead limited series/TV movie actress; Smollett in lead drama actress), both of these shows are one-season wonders, leaving the performers and their audiences wanting more.

Olsen and Smollett dissected all that of when Variety brought them together post-nominations to talk about their celebrated roles and surreal playgrounds.

You both had a lot of magical or otherwise surreal elements to interact with on your shows. What did you actually have in front of you to react to on set?

Jurnee Smollett: We were very fortunate on “Lovecraft Country” because the whole VFX team worked so hard to create an atmosphere that was also practical in our space. I remember on Episode 3, the exorcism scene, we shot it over a course of three days and, while there was not a man in real life with a baby head on him, you’ve got the wind machines and the pictures are blowing and all the special effects makeup is being touched up. Atticus [Jonathan Majors] has pretty much turned into a rabid dog and I’m doing this spell with my ancestors and whether they were shooting behind us or shooting the elements, we were at our max capacity regardless because that’s just how we approach the craft. It was such a big sequence to shoot that that’s when the actor in you has to advocate for your instrument. I did go to the director and say, “Can you jump in and cross shoot Jonathan and I?” As an actor it is our job to shoot however many takes, however many angles you need, but then it is also our job to advocate for yourselves. And I love playing in this space because you get to use your imagination you get to go to crazy places. Because even while the practical elements are there; you get to go to crazy places. But I was grateful for the practical elements because it’s just so much easier.

Elizabeth Olsen: Did they have pre-viz so you knew what some of the supernatural elements looked like?

Smollett: With the Shoggoths they not only had a pre-viz for us, but for some of the scenes they had massive sculptures, like a dude standing there in a green suit with a Shoggoth head. The pilot we didn’t have this puppet, but by Episode 8, maybe we got more of a budget or something, but eventually we did get a puppet — which was really cool because you could see, “This is the moment his mouth is opening.” But also, Misha [Green], our showrunner, she just wants more blood, more dirt. She’d try to get them to blow spittle at us.

Olsen: That’s so gross!

Smollett: This concoction of Shoggoth spit, throwing it in front of this wind machine. I find the more practical stuff we have to work with, it just helps so much. And then there were the moments where it’s like, “No it’s just a green tennis ball and an X, and go.” How about you?

Olsen: For all those little things in the air and stuff in the ’50s, it was really important to our director [Matt Shakman] that we did everything ala “Bewitched.” It was all camera tricks, it was all wires. Our head of special effects had a lineage of a father who [did] special effects before him, and so puppetry and wire work and stuff like that were things that were already in his vocabulary, but we would have our special effect guys who are used to blowing things up and putting things on fire just balancing and making sure things aren’t swinging but they have to move. Even in the ’70s when she’s pregnant and everything’s in chaos, we really had a picture on the wall going in circles; they just figured out things with magnets.

When we were filming the finale, it was during COVID, during the fires last summer, and we shot Kathryn [Hahn’s] side at the beginning of the episode when she has my boys with her magic — we had to shoot them out because you always have to shoot the side with the kid out and also Kathryn was doing wires for the first time and of course it was with a corset and it was really hot and really bad air quality and so she had to be sent home by the medic at the end of the day. And so, on my side we were running out of days, and I think we had 35 minutes to shoot my side and my reactions to all of that, and there’s quite a bit of back and forth and throwing myself to the ground and hitting a different mark that will then stitch with the stunt double being pulled. I did a weird one-woman show sans kids, sans Kathryn. Our stand-ins were such a huge part of our show and I was so grateful to have them they’re reading lines with me, and our director, Matt Shakman, was like, “If you feel like you can’t do this, we’ll just do this tomorrow.” That gave an adrenaline rush to me and it just became, “I’m just going to do it.” There’s a lot of fear when you’re like, “Oh I don’t have the elements and I am on my own, literally.” But I’ve had to do this before and I’m just scared to do it because I feel stupid. But I already look kind of stupid — I’m shooting things out of my hands — so why don’t I just lean into it as full as possible and just do it and find it in some core, guttural space of desperation? That day was bizarre, but I was actually very happy that I didn’t put it off. I feel like sometimes as actors when there are things that make us nervous it’s like, “Oh we don’t have enough time to explore so let’s do it the next day if we can,” and then you’re in your head all night about it. And so, it’s nice to just do it, even if it feels silly.

Smollett: I’d imagine surrendering and using the fear and all that that you were feeling probably served you so well in it.

Olsen: And don’t you feel that, though? When you feel unsupported you just want to break down in tears and you’re not supposed to break down in tears or you’re not supposed to have those it’s those feelings in the moment, but there are other times where it is really useful and there’s something freeing about channeling it in some way.

Smollett: Yeah and it’s that word you just used: freeing. Being able to surrender — leap and the net will appear. And you’re right, if you would have gone home, you probably would have come back the next day and you would have overthought it. There’s something about using the adrenaline in that moment that I don’t think you can really teach an actor to do; it’s just experience. Because we go and we prep and we do all these things, and then you get to the set and there’s one distraction, two distractions, and those are the elements that just through experience you’ve learned to use.

But I have to say, when I was little, I used to go to sleep every night watching Nick at Nite and “Bewitched” was one of my favorite shows. I did not expect you guys, at all, to go to land of “Bewitched.”

Olsen: I didn’t either. I’m so grateful to it. I felt like I like forgot my body as an actor. You’re a very physical actor, so I feel like you probably don’t have that experience because you just seem so connected and free whether it’s on stage or doing action. And I really felt disconnected from my body until “WandaVision.” I was like, “Right, I have posture; I can walk; I have legs — all of these things are going to be telling the story and it’s period and so I get to move differently.” It’s been a while since I needed to create quite a different character, and it felt so good to wake up my body to the full character work.

Just watching you in the first episode on stage, I was like, “God damn, I want to feel that free on stage with a song and with an audience.” I’m a self-conscious actor when it comes to extras and things like that. There’s something about it where the crew’s the family, and with extras, I feel so vulnerable. And you seemed so at ease and in control and confident. It made you understand her fierceness and how fearless she was.

Smollett: Thank you so much! It’s so interesting that you point that out because, for me, singing in front of people terrifies me. It truly is one of the things that terrifies me the most. The thing about Misha’s writing is, she finds a way to teach you so much about a character in such a small amount of time. And in that first sequence we learn so much about Leti, from that fearlessness you talk about, the ease that she has in herself and in her person, but then you learn so much about her hypocrisy and the contrasting ideas that are at play inside. She’s a very complex one. In the scene with her sister where she’s talking about having dreams of pioneering into an all-white neighborhood in 1955, but she can’t afford to may for socks. [Laughs.] She didn’t come to her mother’s funeral, and yet she’s here yearning for some sort of family connection. And so, I just remember reading that and feeling so drawn to her and feeling like it’s a side of myself that I needed to unearth — there’s a Leti in me that I desired to actually be, but sometimes am not. And it’s interesting because through Leti, she really forced me to do so many things that I hadn’t done before and really become more fearless, become more unbound. It was just such a very cathartic experience for me.

Olsen: I felt that way with getting to do this sitcom comedy part. I felt like I was touching my childhood version of myself who was a ham doing children’s musical theater, who just who just like played for the laughs or whatever — that part that I don’t access at all, really, when filming. And Kathryn Hahn was such a force and Paul Bettany raised to the challenge, as well, of these comedic performances that were really physically funny. I started to get more comfortable — in the ’60s, ’70s, really got comfortable — and it was so much fun to touch that child that maybe was told too many times, “Oh, you’re such a ham” or you just felt like your big personality as a kid was not OK or wasn’t as appropriate. And so, getting to play with that was really freeing and very fun. As you were saying, there’s a release I needed to have, and through the comedy I was able to have it.

How did this sense of empowerment affect how you carried your own characters’ power? Was there something your character that inspired you to advocate for yourself or did advocating behind-the-scenes inform in-world behavior?

Olsen: I felt very lucky coming into this, because this is a world I know. And so, where my voice of advocacy came in was for actors who are coming into the world — like Teyonah [Parris], wanting to make sure that she had everything that she needed to understand where her character was going because this was a character that’s going to continue [and] if she had everything she needed for stunts. And then similarly with Kathryn, she didn’t realize there was someone who she could use to teach her hand gestures for her magic. And so, she was feeling nervous and lost, like, “How do I do this thing?” And I was like, “Oh, how do you not have that information!?” And then having a conversation with whom you need to on the crew up top and figure out how to keep everyone else feeling like they had everything they needed. And luckily, because this was a show with characters that Paul and I had before, the pieces came together and it was a situation where your voice is welcomed and heard.

From “Sorry For Your Loss,” the TV show I did with Facebook, I now have a producer voice that I can’t shut up. I now just need to talk to ADs a lot, and I need to talk to line producers a lot. I realize that I like having — especially if I’m No. 1 on the call sheet; if I’m a primary part — all of the information so I can understand why decisions that seem weird are happening, or else I’m going to get in my head about, “Why are we doing this this way? I just let people know that off the bat now because it makes me less of a control freak, having information. And it is a team effort and I think the actor’s value has changed in that in that respect. There’s a lot more opportunity for women to be vocal now, and so I’m just really seizing that opportunity.

Smollett: It was a very personal growing experience for me. It was time of transition [and] I’m still going through that transition in my life. In order to truly surrender and do the text justice, there was so much I had to bring to the altar every day to sacrifice. I remember talking to Jonathan about that, and he would refer to it as allowing your heart to break and hoping that the Holy Spirit would put it back together. She was essentially a woman trying to navigate her womanhood but she was never actually allowed to have a childhood. She was habitually abandoned by her mother and didn’t know her father and there’s something in that parental-daughter split that I found myself really relating to. Oddly enough like Leti, I was estranged from my father for years. He eventually passed away, really before there was that healing and so, oh man, it brought up so much shit with Leti. How does she see the world? She sees the world through the eyes of an abandoned child. With Leti, that made her overcompensate; with Jurnee, it made me shrink a lot. When you talk about that artist child, those of us who have been in this business for so long, you take on all the sensors. And I found myself just trying to love her a little more. One of the things I admired so much about Leti is this desire to love herself — this real desire to own herself unapologetically in a world that told her she was too Black and female, to exist in her entirety. It’s still a transition that I’m in, but I definitely feel so grateful to have been able to walk through some of that and navigate through some of that with Leti. But that’s, I think, the blessing and the curse of being an artist. You’ve got to be willing to bring your whole mind, body and spirit to it; nothing’s off limits.

Jurnee, the last time you spoke with Variety we were all assuming you’d get to return to this character, but now that HBO has said it’s not being renewed, do you have unfinished business with her?

Smollett: It’s no secret I’m heartbroken. I loved Leti and of course would have loved to continue playing her. But I am so incredibly proud of the work that we all created together — it feels so special and unique — and I am finding peace in that. We’re artists and there’s an endless well that dwells inside us— and there’s so much that’s out of our control. And I think I’ve done this long enough and I’ve experienced enough heartbreaks to know you don’t get attached to the results too much; you just try to stay in a moment. And I feel just so proud and blessed to have been chosen to go on this ride with these collaborators, so I am more so in the place of gratitude than loss.

On the other end of the spectrum, “WandaVision” was a limited series but Wanda Maximoff is a character you have been coming back to for years, Elizabeth. How do you approach that longevity — the changes in her, the changes in you and the interest in revisiting her at all?

Olsen: I’m 32 and I was 25 — so seven years ago — when I did the first one. There’s so much change that I’ve had, even as an actor and how I approach work and, I think, honor work so much more in the last five years, four years of my life. [Jurnee’s film] “Birds of Prey” feels like such a female-empowered thing, so I feel there’s a really incredible energy to beginning it, but then with me you hear people make comments about Marvel movies and it affects your own process. “WandaVision” really shook that up for me and made me reinvest.

Smollett: I so want to know your process with that because the comic book space was new for me. I’d been a fan; I’d seen all your movies and the other movies. How did you navigate all of those voices? Because they can be very loud.

Olsen: Luckily and also frustratingly my character was always this emotional anchor to a piece of the story. It was like the heart, if there’s a heart. Paul and I were the only romance that was really fleshed out in those movies. And so I just treated it like I would anything. And then, we have a really fun time filming “Avengers” And so it’s really goofy and the Russos are great. And so we, it feels light-hearted, and it feels like we have the last laugh at the end of the day. But when it comes to the reinvesting, that’s the whole mind game, right? Because you just hope that it continues to have this quality control, but the more the more things get made, you’re worried about that. Especially because I did a show on Facebook that was scripted, and I didn’t love the way they handled it. And it was hard. And so second season, we went back and we literally, as a team of producers, had meetings with people who ran Facebook Watch about where we thought they could improve. We had a whole presentation for them. And then eventually, they were like, “We’re not doing scripted anymore.” And so I didn’t have the greatest experience being a part of the launch of another streaming service. And so, the Disney Plus part made me nervous and then bringing these characters that are so big to television made me nervous. But Kevin Fiege explained to us that that they were not going to cut corners, and they’re going to try and create the same attention to detail, and they did. And I think it was really important for them to have that care for these first three shows that they were putting out because it was defining a new thing for them. And so, we were taken care of.

I think more for me with this with the reinvestment moving forward, I never had a six-movie or nine-movie thing; it was always two or three at a time — those were my contracts. And so, it’s always a really conscious decision. I wrapped “WandaVision” on a Wednesday and flew to London on a Friday to continue playing this part [in “Doctor Strange 2”]. I could have used getting out of the mindset, though, because they were totally different utilizations of the character and people would have had more time to understand “WandaVision” had we not just wrapped. And so there’s just a lot of, “We covered this in ‘WandaVision…’” It’s bigger than me, there’s lots of threads that are continuing on after me that I’m not aware of, and so it’s always about, “What can I get from this journey with this character that maybe I haven’t tapped into yet with her?” That’s where I keep approaching things from, so that I feel like I have some sort of strap-hang — that I can know that there’s going to be growth of some kind, even though it all maybe looks the same to other people. There is that conscious decision to learn a new element of this woman, or even of myself as an actor — something that I want to explore that I can bring to it.

Your passion for acting is apparent and you both produce as well. What about directing?

Smollett: I would love to one day. I find myself currently being incredibly excited about producing and ushering new voices and excited voices. I don’t know that I would want to direct myself — that’s a whole other skill. I remember watching Denzel Washington, who directed me in “Great Debaters” but he was also in it, and at that point he had such a command of his instrument that he was able to do that. But it’s a lot. And I remember him telling me, before directing himself, he went and made himself watch all his films just so that he could stomach this idea of watching himself in the editing room. And so, I love the idea of storytelling; I’m obsessed with just telling stories, but I don’t know that I would self-direct.

Olsen: I find myself still loving producing so much because I love asking questions and poking holes and thinking about reorganizing of storylines, things that I feel maybe need more structure. I loved writing essays in school so much; it was like something that I found creative because it was about putting so many different sources into a braid that could maybe create this larger conversation or thought at the end. And so, that’s how I look at scripts. That’s really satisfying enough for me, to play that role. I think one day I’ll think about it more honestly, what it what it would mean to be a director. I fear that if I were to do it anytime soon, I wouldn’t have the tools that I would want. I do ask lots of lens-y questions because I’ve really only been working for 11 years and only recently have I tried to really understand the art of what lenses to choose and why and what it makes an audience feel based on what you’re choosing. I want to have a better, more holistic understanding of [that] before attempting [directing] because I do think it’s such an art and just because I understand the structuring of a story or how a set works, I want to be able to provide the the image in my head. I don’t know if I have that skill yet, but I am curious about feeding it and nurturing that.

Press: Elizabeth Olsen and Jurnee Smollett Compare Notes on Genre-Blending Acting and Advocating for Performers on Set was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

#Elizabeth Olsen #WandaVision #Avengers #Scarlet Witch #Wanda Maximoff #Sorry For Your Loss #Avengers Infinity War #Avengers Age of Ultron #Captain America Civil War #Ingrid Goes West #Godzilla #Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness #Marvel #MCU #Candy Montgomery #Love and Death #Avengers Endgame

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magica-witch-project · 3 years

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Magica Witch Project Mod Competition!

Are you interested in becoming the new mod here at Magica Witch Project? We welcome anyone who is willing to apply for the position, so long as they fit a few simple criteria!

Requirements:

- Must be following MWP (obviously)

- Must be 16+: I know there are a lot of kids here, but I would personally be more comfortable working with someone 16 or older. It also stands to reason that you should also be comfortable working with adults, because I am in my 20s.

- Must be ok with darker/potentially triggering content: It just kind of comes with the territory, given the nature of this blog and its source material. Some of the wishes can tend to get dark/heavy, and while you will never be required to write a prompt that makes you uncomfortable, we try not to shy away from the harsher aspects of this material as many of the readers here enjoy that kind of content, and even find this material to be therapeutic in a way!

- Must have or make a Discord account: part of the mod position is becoming a mod on the official discord server! Should you become the new mod, you will be added to the server and given a mod role. You don’t necessarily have to talk on the server, but you will need to communicate with the mod team about prompts you take and announce new posts when you make them.

Now that the less-than-fun part is out of the way, let’s talk about the competition itself!

Every competitor will be given the same prompt- the idea is to compare each writer’s stylistic choices and interpretation of the prompt! What is the prompt you ask? Well, I think that the time has come to answer a question I have been asked many times- what would my magical girl/witch form be? That’s right: the time has come for me to take what I’ve been dishing out for the last 4 years. All interested parties will have until October 3rd to submit their entry for judging.

All entries should have a few components:

The submission must be shared from your blog. No anonymous entries! This is because, should you be chosen for the role, I will need your URL in order to add you as a user to the MWP account.

The post should tag @magica-witch-project somewhere. This is to make sure I can easily locate your post and reblog it to the page. Once you post your entry, it will be reblogged to my page so that your wonderful work can be seen by all!

The post should include a brief introduction to yourself, including some basic facts abut you, your favorite character from PMMM, and why you want the role of mod for the blog!

The post must include both a magical girl and a witch based on the prompt in the format of a typical post on MWP. This doesn’t mean it has to follow my stylistic choices exactly, though! You are encouraged to include your own touches to the material- just make sure the second-person storytelling style is kept intact. After all of the submissions have been collected, judging will begin. This will have two phases to keep it as fair as possible! I will read through every submission and, depending on the number of entries received, will select the top entries to move on to part 2. If we receive fewer than 10 submissions, the top 3 will move on. If we receive more than 10, the top 5 will move on. I will create a post listing the top choices with links to their original posts so that the readers can go back through and read them over. I will also create a poll so that readers can vote on their favorites out of the bunch! This poll will not allow multiple submissions to keep the numbers fair. Whichever post receives the most votes will be crowned the winner and will become the new mod! A few final questions, and their answers: - What if there is a tie for the winner? In the event of a tie, I will choose my favorite of the two options. - What happens if the winner changes their mind about taking the position/doesn’t answer? If this happens, the runner-up will be contacted and offered the position. - Can I write a response if I don’t want the position/do not fit the criteria? Absolutely! Just make sure that your response is clearly marked that it is not a competitor somewhere so that I can categorize it as such and make sure it doesn’t end up in the runnings. - Where can I ask any follow up questions? Please send any questions you have about the competition to @mwp-help and I will respond as son as possible! Without any further ado, here is your prompt: “I wish to be able to befriend everyone I meet. I am a very motherly person, but I tend to struggle with anxiety most of the time. I lack confidence in myself, but my love for other people gives me the strength to push forward and do what I need to do. I enjoy baking, writing, and singing in my free time, and I’m a huge nerd. I have long red hair and green eyes, and my favorite color is green.” Have fun and good luck to all of the competitors! I eagerly await your entries!

-Mod Mami ✏️

#mod mami #mod competition #pmmm #pmmm oc #pmmm witch #puella magi madoka magica #madoka magica oc #modoka magica #mahou shoujo madoka magica #magical girl oc #magical girl #not a wish

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outerbankspreferences · 4 years

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50 Wordless Ways to say I love you

Word Count: 1683

MASTERLIST SERIES MASTERLIST

A/N: Every time I sit down to write a shirt blurb it always turns out long. Every time I sit down to write a long blurb it always turns out long. I can’t seem to win. I’m always taking request, and message me if you wanted to get added to the tag list :)

#14. Singing and dancing to their favorite song.

It was Madison Bailey’s birthday coming up and you had started a tradition last season on everyone birthday to make them a cake of their choice. You always loved baking and found it therapeutic and soothing. You and Madison were roommates while filming season two of the show, and you kicked her out of the apartment so you could surprise her.

You asked Drew to come over and help considering him, and Austin lived in the same building. In all honest, the two living in the same apartment worked out great for you because you had a huge crush on Drew. You had since you meet him at the beginning of filming season one. Your characters were love interest, and at first you didn’t know if the lines of acting were getting hazy, but you soon realized it wasn’t. You had some serious feelings for him, but you were too nervous he didn’t like you back.

You were greasing the pans for the cake when you heard a knock on your door, and then was greeted by Drew. “What’s cooking good looking?” He laughed kissing the top of your head, giving you butterflies. “Only the best birthday cake in the entire world.” You said in a half serious tone, “where’s your partner in crime?” You asked looking for Austin. “Uh-he went to play basketball with JD, so just me and you are today. Is that okay?” He asked walking over to your speaker. A whole afternoon just to two of you, of course you were okay with that. “Yeah sure, did you download that playlist I showed you?” You asked, the two of you having similar taste in music.

“Of course, I did, I don’t know how you find such good playlist.” He said turning on the music, “so how can I help?” “Well, do you know how to bake Drew?” You asked, have never done this with him before. “I would rate myself like a seven and a half out of ten” He said confident. “Okay, well why don’t you measure all the ingredients, and put them into these little bowls so I can post something cute to my Instagram and then we’ll get started.” You said handing him the recipe with the measurements.

You preheated the oven and got the stuff together for the frosting. You prepped all the pipping bags and sprinkles in Madison favorite colors. “Did you get Madison something for her birthday?” Drew was the first to break the comfortable silence. “I did, I got her a gift certificate for a spa place for her and Mariah this weekend.” You told him proud of your gift. “Shit, I forgot to her something, I’ve so busy filming, do you know what she wants?” He asked. “Um- she broke her Bluetooth speaker last week, maybe get her that? That’s why we’ve been stuck using my crappy one.” You said laughing finishing get your stuff together. “Okay, are you done with the measuring?” You asked, looking over his shoulder. “You know that’s a good idea, do you want to come with me when we’re done this?” He asked moving out the way so you could see he finished.

“I would love that.” You say grabbing your phone and taking a picture of Drew’s hard work, adding a cute filter before posting it to your Instagram. “You know she’s going to see your “Why are you posting that your IG story, she’ll know that’s what you’re making.” Drew said not understanding why you were taking a picture. “I know she’ll see it, that’s why I made cookies earlier. She’ll think I was making those and not her birthday cake.” You explained, grabbing some bowls to mix the stuff in. “Okay, you mix the wet ingredients together, and I’ll mix the dry and then we combine them together in the end.” You explained handing him bowl. “Why can’t we just mix everything in one bowl, you’re making more of mess.” He asked looking down at you, “uh-I don’t know, you just can’t. Those are the rules Andrew.” You responded sarcastically. “Oh god, not the full name. Remind me not to question your authority again.” He said shoving you shoulder playful.

Drew loved to hear you say his full name, normally it was something he despised but not with you. He was excited when you offered for him and Austin to come over and help bake the cake. When you asked him the day before you told him the Austin was welcome too. Normally Madison would help you, but you didn’t want to ruin the surprise. He didn’t invite Austin though, wanting to spend as much time alone together as you could. He would take any chance he could whether it be running lines, watching a movie, carpooling to work.

Everyone in the cast knew you guys had a thing for each other and encouraged the both of you to make a move, but nether of you did. Drew nor you ever thought you guys would have chance with each other. So, you guys would just spend time together, dancing around feelings, and awkward moments.

As you guys finished mixing the ingredients together you poured the batter and put it into the oven. “Okay, that should take about twenty minutes to bake and then we can make the frosting while it’s cooling.” You said grabbing some of the dishes putting them in the dishwasher. “Who taught you how to bake?” Drew asked, curious on how the habit started. You smile thinking about your childhood. You turned around to face him, leaning against the counter. “My mom taught me. When I was kid, she used to bake all the time. If it weren’t someone’s birthday, she would say they’re ‘I love you’ cakes. I guess after that I always found joy in it. I know it’s kind of cliche girl thing, but”- “No I like that you do stuff like this, it’s not cliché.” Drew said cutting you off before you could bad mouth your favorite pass time.

That’s when your favorite song on the playlist came on. Drew looked over at you, knowing it was your favorite. He loved seeing the light in eyes when ever it came on. “Ugh, I love this song” you say humming along to the words while looing at your phone. Drew got up from the chair he was sitting on, and grabbed your hand pulling you close to dance with him. “I know, that’s why I added it to the queue, come dance with me.” The two of you danced like idiots while you sang to the song. Drew spun you around, and you almost tripped and fell but he caught you, the two of you giggling. You looked into his eyes, the two of you close enough you could feel his breath on your face. ‘Just do it, kiss him’ you thought to yourself, and the next thing you know, you’re closing the small gap between you two.

Drew was shocked at first, not believing he was kissing you. Your lips were softer than he had expected, and they tasted like raspberries, most likely from your lip balm. He placed his hands on your hips, pulling you closer kissing you back. You guys made out for a couple more minutes before you pulled away from lack of air. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me”- you started to stumble over your words when Drew leaned down and kissed you again. “it’s okay Y/N/N, I’ve been wanting to kiss you for while I just didn’t think you felt the same way for me.” He said with a little grin.

You couldn’t believe you waited that long to show him how you felt, and now that you had you were glad, he felt the same way. “I was worried that you didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t want to make things awkward between us.” You said almost in whisper, a blush creeping on your cheeks. Drew leaned down and kissed you again, “of course I feel the same about you. How could I not? You’re such an amazing person.” His kind words causing a blush to form again. You hid you face in his chest, making him laugh.

The two of you were pulled away from your conversation when the timer went off for the cake. “Oh, it’s ready!” Drew said rushing over to the oven taking the cakes out. “I’ll grab the stuff to start making the frost, and you can take the cakes out of the oven.” You directed. “Yes chef.” Drew saluted you in joking matter. Once he took the cakes out, you tested it with a knife to make sure it was cooked all the way through. You cut a bit off the top to make sure it tasted okay, giving a piece to Drew.

Once you took a bit you immediately made a face, the cake tasted terrible. You looked at Drew trying to judge his reaction, laughing when he made the same face you did. “I don’t mean to be an asshole, but this taste terrible Y/N/N.” You grabbed the recipe off the counter and read the instruction. “I don’t understand I made this recipe a hundred times, it always turns out good. Three cups of flour, a teaspoon of vanilla, two teaspoons of salt, a”- “did you just say two teaspoons of salt?” Drew asked with wide eyes. “Yeah, why how much did you put in?” “Uh, well I though it meant tablespoon, so I put two tablespoons of salt.” He said rubbing the back of his neck cheeks turning red.

You start to laugh at him, finding his embarrassment hilarious. “Oh, come on love it’s not that funny.” He says wrapping his arms around you from behind. “Don’t worry I can bake.” You say mocking him. “I guess Madison is getting a store-bought cake this year.” You say turning around kissing him. “At least I can kiss better then I can bake.” He said making the both of you laugh.

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thestrangeprophet-blog · 4 years

Text

The Muse and the Soldier

· f/reader x Levi Ackerman

· No NSFW

· HC storyline

· I do not own the rights to any of the characters

· PLS support the actual Attack on Titan anime

You open your eyes and take pleasure in the feel of the morning breeze coming from the window. Breathing in the air which carried the aroma of those special blue flowers potted downstairs in front of your tea shop. Seems you have left all your pencils across the desk and the drawings plastered to the walls from the night before had fallen again. You pick up the drawings and admire the one yet to be finished. It is of a regular customer you normally see when they come back from a scouting mission. Piercing grey eyes in contrast to his fancy dark undercut. Levi Ackerman. You always wonder how he has the time and will to keep up with his hair. After laying his portrait neatly on your desk, you ready yourself for another day brewing the finest tea you can in hopes of seeing Levi for another bout of his favorite tea.

The Captain and Commander Erwin were frequent visitors to your tea shop because Levi had always recommended it. For one reason or another, the tea you brewed satisfied him beyond what he would brew himself with what he had. Erwin had thought the same as well and it brought you enjoy your tea could be held to such standards. As a fellow tea lover, the subject of tea was never a boring conversation with Levi, no matter how short or blunt it was with him. Sure, most people see it as something more along the lines of hot leaf juice. It’s more than that and Levi understood it though it went unspoken.

Captain Levi came alone today and took his usual seat. It was rather unusual but you carry on and bring his favorite. The teapot whistles and steams like Titan smoke with the lingering scent of black tea that trails through the wind. As you set his cup in front of him and pour his tea, you notice he seems lost further in thought than normal. You finish pouring his tea and hesitantly ask if there is anything else you can do for him. He takes a second to come back to this moment and raises his head ever so slightly. His hair still covering those captivating grey eyes. Releasing an exhausted breath, he asks of one thing of you.

Levi: I- If it’s no trouble to you… will you sit with me Y/N? Even just for a moment?

Y/N: That’s a bit of an odd request, Captain. I’m surprised you even remembered my name. But sure! Anything for my best customer.

Levi: You don’t have to address me as Captain. J-just Levi will do… and thank you.

You sit in the chair across from Levi where Erwin is normally seated discussing the next expedition and plans you have for Eren and the cadets of the 104th Cadet Corps. As of in this moment, this is simply two human beings sitting together enjoying tea. Just sounds of the breeze against your ears and the softened sips coming from across the table at the lips of the man before you. Levi’s cheeks are flushed with a gorgeous rosy blush. It seems he wants to start a conversation but has no idea where to start. Its adorable how a man with a reputation for being such stone cold badass could be flustered over tea. You strike a smile in his direction and find your own way to start a conversation he could initiate. Call it encouragement if you will. The sketchpad and pencil you keep handy finally get put to use. The pencil scratching against the paper caught Levi’s attention though he kept to his tea. He watched as he appeared on the paper before him in awe.

Levi: Hey Y/N, is that supposed to be me?

Y/N: Oh, uh yeah haha! I figured you weren’t much in the mood to talk so I didn’t want to bother you while you were enjoying your tea.

Levi: You are a woman of many talents I see.

Y/N: I wouldn’t say that much.

Levi: N-nonsense. I come here to enjoy the tea you brew perfectly and the singing you think I can’t hear. Didn’t know you were so skilled with a pencil as well.

Y/N: I usually never have the time to draw during the day Levi.

Levi: Can I request something? I’ll pay for it.

Y/N: No need to pay me. What can I do for you?

Levi: I need you to draw someone for me. I don’t really know them too well, but they have a face I could never forget.

Y/N: Oh I wonder who this special person is! Could you describe them for me?

Levi: Well, they’re around the same height as me maybe a bit taller. They have long black curly hair that glistened as though it was a fire at sunset. Brown eyes like fresh honey in the morning and glistened with a hopeful shine I envy. They wear some rather dark clothing year round even when its hot outside. Their nose is slightly hooked and cheeks soft and red. Their lips glistened and they look soft to the touch. And even though they don’t think it looks very nice, they have a scar across their left eyebrow. I’m not exactly sure how they got, but they always try to cover it behind their hair yet it still finds a way to see the light. Their jawline is soft and looks like it could rest perfectly in the cups of your hands.

Y/N: Wow Levi, I didn’t realize you had a way with words.

As the form you forge is refined from guidelines to distinctive features, the person he is describing truly is a sight to behold. You may not have the colors to use but you understand the value of what those colors are which are just as powerful. Levi sits across from you amazed at your skill for a second time until you’ve finished your work. You hand him the final sketch and you already know he just asked you to draw yourself but play it off. He takes the drawing into his hand and holds it up so you and the drawing are in view with each other.

Levi: As beautiful on paper as you are in person. Tsk, your hands are even a work of art on their own.

Y/N: If I may say I’m rather flattered you’d ask me to draw myself just for you but you aren’t very good at making your flirtations subtle. Unless you weren’t trying to be subtle in the first place.

Levi: Oi its not my fault you decided to pull a journal out of nowhere while we’re drinking tea together!

Y/N: You are one hundred percent correct Levi. Really for a man who exudes such confidence, I’ve never seen you even stutter let alone get flustered over tea. Its cute.

Levi blushes even more and looks away trying to play it off. He already knows you’ve got at least one finger wrapped around him. No one really talks to him like that besides this Hange person he mentions. They sound like an interesting character from the way he describes them. You would love to meet them one day when they aren’t experimenting on Titans. For now, your gaze remains fixed on Levi’s profile as he tries to regain his composure. You would not have assumed he was even interested in such trivial things other than being a clean freak.

You are aware of Levi’s reputation but just getting to sit with him in such an intimate setting gives you a next level view of him. The clean undercut and soft flowing hair was just asking to have someone’s fingers run through it and embrace the feeling of each strand even if it meant making his hair just a little messy. Each group of strands followed the path of the wind as leaves blew from the vines. His jawline was as sharp as the blades he carried to cut down titans like butter. His hands, though they bore the weight his fallen comrades and the destined purpose to eliminate and survive, seemed delicate under the rough calluses of combat. But his eyes. Those damn grey eyes. They pierced right through me whenever you got the chance to see them yourself. All of the things they saw, and the feelings kept behind them like a locked door. There is so much pain rage behind those you wonder when the last time Levi got to see something outside the realm of horror outside and within the walls.

Y/N: Levi?

Levi: Yeah Y/N?

Y/N: When was the last time you’ve ever had a chance to relax and just lay low for awhile?

Levi: Can’t say. I don’t think I’ve given myself a damn break but I can’t afford to. I don’t exactly have anything else to do.

Y/N: Hmmm. Let’s change that. Make sure you make yourself available tomorrow at sundown. Come back to the shop and dress casual. I know somewhere we can go. I’ll even grab an extra book so you can out those hands to work other than killing Titans and jotting down whatever it is you do write for your paperwork.

Levi: B-but I c-can’t just abandon my po-

Y/N: Shush. In case you haven’t noticed you don’t have any missions scheduled for at least another week. Plus business around here is slow. We could both use a little time for ourselves. Even if its just a moment.

Levi: *blushing even more* uh- ok. I guess it wouldn’t hurt. You didn’t have to act like such a brat about it.

Y/N: If you weren’t Levi I would throw this lukewarm teapot of tea all over you

Levi: *Smiling ever so slightly* hmp I uh… I guess I could see you doing something like that. Okay, I’ll be back tomorrow to pick you up. I’m curious as to where this place is anyway.

Y/N: Alrighty then it’s a date! No ifs ands or buts. You got that Levi?

Levi: Loud and clear.

You’re leaning over the table to make sure Levi knows where he needs to be. You’re close enough to him you can smell the scent of the tea you made him mixed with just the scent of him. You’d kiss him right then and there if you really wanted to. Looks like he had the same idea but you pull away because you weren’t in that much of a rush. His lips were parted as they awaited your lips to meet his. It was thrilling seeing him even a little desperate for you but making him wait was even better. As much as Levi felt he couldn’t abandon his post, he couldn’t say no to you. He’d been working up the courage to talk to you for as long as he has been coming to your shop. Though he wasn’t the one to ask, Levi appreciated that you were the one to take the lead in making plans to accompany each other on a date. You’d been waiting for the opportunity to even be in this position. Now that it’s here, you make plans to make the date an enjoyable one that Levi would also like. Good first impressions are still pretty important. Especially if you want to make a good impression for Levi.

Levi: Tsk, its almost sundown. Id better get back to the brats at HQ.

You grab his hands and ask him to wait just a little while longer.

Y/N: Well if you’re going to be leaving, at least let me give you some extra tea and a meal to take back with you. It’s the least I can do for agreeing to going on a date with me on such short notice.

Levi: Tsk make it quick please.

Y/N: Don’t rush me. I’m being nice to you. I usually don’t just give out free tea and meals to anyone you know.

Levi: I’m sorry. Thank you. I- I uh really appreciate your generosity.

You hand Levi the tea and meal you made just for him. You touch hands for a moment and get goosebumps for the first time in a long time. You blush just enough that Levi notices as well and gives a small smirk. You exchange that smirk with one of your own.

Levi: Thank you again Y/N. I guess I’ll see you soon.

Y/N: You guess?

Levi: I will see you soon.

Y/N: Much better. And by the way, you have a very charming smile. I wish I could see it more often. It suits you almost as much as that cold gaze you’ve always got equipped.

Levi: I never really gave it much thought what that looked like. I’ll pick you tomorrow. I promise.

Y/N: You’d better if you know what’s good for ya hahaha! I’ll see you tomorrow, Captain.

END

Comment if you’d like a Pt. 2!

#levi ackerman x reader #aot #aot headcanons #attack on titan #levi #aot x y/n #levi headcanons #levi fluff #aot imagines #attack on titan x reader #aot x reader #levi hc #levi ackerman headcanons #levi fanfiction

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