#(and this is not that discussion. this is just Diamond being his depressed self and viewing it from the least favorable angle sldkfjgh)

[twistmusings]

Hello! I just found your blog and I read a very interesting characterisation of Cater that made me quite interested in him (I haven't seem much of him in game so far so he never really caught my attention).

So I was wondering what are your ideas about Cater, like general hcs... what is he like (personality wise), etc? Are there any misconceptions about him in your opinion? Cause to me so far he has seemed quite one dimensional and I would like to have more added to him so I'm always open to hear other people's thoughts.

Thank you!

I would love to! Cater is like one of my sleeper faves, so I always love getting a chance to write about what I think about him.

Cater Diamond Character Analysis

CW: Discussions of Mental Illness, particularly depression and self esteem issues, very, very brief mention of internalized transphobia for one bullet point.

Canon text examination

Cater’s Halloween Vignette (Miraheze | Wiki)

Cater is shown to be pretty exhausted by the visitors and trying to manage the amount of people who are around for the Halloween events.

He expresses a distaste at having a phone call with a prior acquaintance, and privately expressed distaste at her being persistent in trying to get ahold of him.

He says he prefers not to form deep friendships.He dislikes the idea of being too closely attached to one person because his father would move frequently when he was younger and he would constantly have to rebuild friendships and relationships only to be uprooted again.

Another key thing is to look at Cater’s self-talk here: depending on which translation you’re reading. In the localized version, he says that Lilia could never understand how helpless he fears, but pretty consistently across translations he minimizes and insults himself OR his own feelings.

Cater’s Labwear Vignette (Twisted Translations Tumblr | Wiki)

Cater mentions that he’s got two older sisters who insist on things being cute, so far that he mentions having the mantra burned into his brain. 

Cater is notably upset when one of his mandrakes comes out seeming rather gloomy and depressed, and vehemently denying it when Vil and Lilia point it out. He even goes out of the way to create additional mandrakes that he feels better reflect him and denies the other two exist.

The mandrake that he picks to post to magicam is of particular note-- he picks the one that is laughing and jovial. “It’s not Cay-cay if it’s not happy enough to lift people’s spirits, right?”

While those are the most notable instances I can point out, they’re not the only ones. In fact, small facets get mentioned in several vignettes: 

In his Ceremonial Robes Vignette (miraheze | wiki) Cater mentions that he finds the entrance ceremony exhausting after having to wrangle the incoming freshmen, and goes off by himself to focus on Magicam rather than joining the others at the entrance party.

In his Dorm Uniform Vignette (Twisted Translations Tumblr | wiki) Cater is shown to be a lot more calculating and cautious than he portrays himself. He is also noticeably self interested. He will use tools, magic, and other people in ways that benefit him, and even Trey acknowledges that.

In both his Birthday Boy (wiki | Miraheze) and Union Birthday Vignettes (wiki | Miraheze)  we get to hear more about Cater’s sisters and mother. The reason he hates sweets is because they had a phase where they made a lot of them and would always expect Cater to be the one to taste test. His sisters would also sort of treat him like a page boy-- often making him go shopping for them or run errands for them. He even says that he wouldn’t mind shopping with someone like Vil so much, just because he would be able to examine and learn things and get something out of it.

So what does all of that mean for Cater?

To start with: Cater is almost always wearing a mask. He doesn’t want people to get a deeper understanding of him and his inner thoughts. This is one part conscious and one part unconscious. He consciously knows that he’s had to constantly rebuild his friendships when he would have to move-- and even now that he’s in a bit more of a stable location at Night Raven College, he still seems to cling to the values of keeping people at an arm's length. Probably because most of his foundational years have taught him that getting too close to someone would end in loneliness because he would have to give them up.

Unconsciously, you also need to look at who Cater’s stable people in his life have been. Cater talks about his father working at a bank and often having to move for work, and him being at home most of the time with his mother and sisters. Do I think his sisters and mother are terrible? No, absolutely not, but what I do see is that they seem to show very little regard to what Cater wants. If he tries to refuse them a favor they are said to keep pushing him until he does it. So in Cater’s mind, there’s definitely a connection that when he does have someone solidly in his life, they’re going to push him to do things that he doesn’t want to do. At best he probably would expect them to ask him to do chores that he doesn’t want to, and at worst he probably would assume they only want him around because he’s beneficial to them.

Additionally, I don’t think Cater has had a lot of time to find himself. This is, in part, why I think he leans so heavily on Magicam and seems to be fascinated with Vil and his sense of style and fashion. He mentions that his sisters were obsessed with cutesy things, and he admits that’s not what he is really into himself. I think a lot of his interest stems from wanting to explore and discover himself-- and that means that he’s probably experimenting a lot with his fashion and outward appearance in his free time.

I think Cater will struggle with being seen as cutesy. Given his mandrake vignette and the fact that he seems to admire Vil, I think Cater likes cutesy and feminine things a lot more than he would be willing to admit. He’s probably going to take a while to come to terms with that and not feel like it’s something his sisters forced on him.

(NGL, I could very easily see Cater being a trans girl/genderfluid and not even realizing for a long time why they feel so out of touch with themself until they started experimenting with gender presentation later in their life.)

I think Cater is an introvert. You might think that’s strange, considering he’s outgoing and he’s always putting on a cheery facade, but being introverted merely means that he has a social battery that gets drained by being around people. In canon, we repeatedly see him say that he’s exhausted after dealing with people, particularly ones he doesn’t know all that well. I also think Cater desperately doesn’t want to be an introvert, and he has a bad tendency to push himself to his social limits rather than taking a step back to take a few minutes for himself. To him, being an introvert probably is damaging to his image that he tries to portray.

I do think Cater has depression, though whether it’s just that or if it’s a symptom of another mental illness I am unwilling to theorize on. I do think his negative self-talk is telling of him having self image issues and the unwillingness to change because it’s “pointless” are very big red flags that our boi needs some help from a professional.

Finally, I think Cater holds himself to an awfully high standard in comparison to the people around him. He thinks he has to be the life of the party or he’s going to disappoint the people around him, where I feel the reality would be more likely that if Cater said he wasn’t feeling it/feeling well, people around him would be more than understanding that he can’t always be at a 10.

[actual-sleeping-beauty]

Fame and Art and Life and Love

a parallels post starring Dance Fever by Florence + the Machine and Midnights by Taylor Swift

***florence lyrics will be italicized // taylor lyrics will be bolded***

we argue in the kitchen about whether to have children, about the world ending and the scale of my ambition, and how much is art really worth? the very thing you're best at is the thing that hurts the most. but you need your rotten heart, your dazzling pain like diamond rings, you need to go to war to find material to sing. // all they keep asking me is if i'm gonna be your bride. the only kinda girl they see is a one-night or a wife. // he wanted it comfortable, i wanted that pain. he wanted a bride, i was making my own name, chasing that fame, he stayed the same. all of me changed like midnight. // fuckin' politics and gender roles and you're not sure and i don't know

i need my golden crown of sorrow, my bloody sword to swing, my empty halls to echo with grand self-mythology // sometimes i feel like everybody is a sexy baby and i'm a monster on the hill. too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city, pierced through the heart but never killed // everybody agrees, everybody agreesssssssssss

but a woman is a changeling, always shifting shape, just when you think you've got it figured out something new begins to take // all of me changed like midnight // you see all the wisest women had to do it this way, cause we were born to be the pawns in every lover's game

and i was never as good as i always thought i was, but i knew how to dress it up, i was never satisfied, it never let me go, just dragged me by my hair and get back on with the show // do you hear my covert narcissism i disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman? // i'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror, it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.

sometimes i wonder if i should be medicated? if i would feel better just lightly sedated? // i said, "okay, but let's discuss this at the hospital" // when my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people i've ghosted stand there in the room // is it okay? is it you? or have they come to take me away?

i'm always running from something, i push it back but it keeps on coming, and being clever never got me very far // something different bloomed, writing in my room. i play my songs in the parking lot. i'll run away // i called a taxi to take me there // everything you lose is a step you take

something's comin', so out of breath, i just kept spinning and i danced myself to death // the pressure and the panic you push your body through // i should not be left to my own devices they come with vices and prices i end up in crisis // i hosted parties and starved my body

i came for the pleasure but i stayed (yes i stayed) for the pain // he wanted it comfortable, i wanted that pain

i thought that i was here with you, but it was always just an empty room, cause it's always the same // remember lookin' at this room? we loved it cause of the light. now i just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

if they ever let me out, i'm gonna really let it out. i listen to music from 2006 and feel kind of sick. but, oh god, you're gonna get it, you'll be sorry that you messed with me // karma's on your scent like a bounty hunter, karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town

and in my darkest fantasies i am the picture of passivity, waiting for you side of stage, suppressing all my private rage // you should find another guiding light, but i shine so bright

i met the devil, you know he gave me a choice, golden heart or a golden voice // it's me, hi, i'm the problem, it's me // it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero // she's laughing up at us from hell

am i your dream girl? you think of me in bed, but you could never hold me, you like me better in your head // baby boy, i think i've been too good of a girl. did all the extra credit then got graded on a curve

watch me shimmer // best believe i'm still bejeweled

i am nobody's moral center // you wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talkin' // and the voices that implore, "you should be doing more," to you i can admit that i'm just too soft for all of it

all the things that i ran from i now bring as close to me as i can // this is a collection of music written in the middle of the night, a journey through terrors and sweet dreams. the floors we pace and the demons we face.

and if i run fast enough could i break apart? as empires crumble and cathedrals flatten in my heart // god rest my soul, i miss who i used to be, the tomb won't close, stained-glass windows in my mind

and every song i wrote became an escape rope tied around my neck to pull me up to heaven // these desperate prayers of a cursed man spilling out to you for free

i couldn't help it, yes i let it get in, the helpless optimism of spring. worn out and tired and my heart near retired and the world bent double from weeping. and yet the birds begin to sing // uh oh, i'm falling in love. oh no, i'm falling in love. oh, i'm falling in love. i thought the plane was going down, how'd you turn it right around?

i was always able to write my way out, the song always made sense to me, now i find that when i look down every page is empty // dear reader, burn all the files, desert all your past lives and if you don't recognize yourself that means you did it right

and have i learned restraint? am i quiet enough for you yet? // ladies always rise above, ladies know what people want, someone sweet and kind and fun. the lady's simply had enough.

but if i was free to love you, you wouldn't want me would you? unavailability is the only thing that turns you on // i've blown apart my life for you, bodies hit the floor for you, break me, shake me, devastate me, come here baby // and if i was a child, did it matter if you got to wash your hands? // and the god's honest truth is that the pain was heaven // you're a crisis of my faith, would've, would've, should've, if i'd only played it safe

sometimes you get the girl, sometimes you get the song // but the call, it always comes, the songs like children begging to be born, and oh i guess i got my wish // i guess sometimes we all get just what we wanted // i guess sometimes we all get some kind of haunted // on the way home i wrote a poem

if i make it to the mornin' i should'a come with a warnin'. and if i make it to the stage i'll show you what it means to be saved. oh you know i'm still afraid. i'm still crazy and i'm still scared. but if i make it to the stage i'll show you what it means to be spared! // it only feels this raw right now, lost in the labyrinth of my mind // the jokes weren't funny, i took the money, my friends from home don't know what to say. i looked around in a blood-soaked gown and i saw something they can't take away // you should find another guiding light, guiding light, but i shine so bright

and when it came it was stranger than i had ever imagined, no cracking open of heaven, but quiet and still // they said the end is comin', everyone's up to somethin', i find myself runnin' home to your sweet nothings

so tell me where to put my love, do i wait for time to do what it does? i don't know where to put my love // no one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so i've been scheming like a criminal ever since to make them love me and make it seem effortless, this is the first time i've felt the need to confess. and i swear, i'm only cryptic and machiavellian cause i care // i wake up screaming from dreaming one day i'll watch as you're leaving cause you got tired of my scheming for the last time

i don't love you, i just love the bomb. i let it burn, but it just had to be done. and i'm in ruins, but is it what i wanted, all along? // every single thing i touch becomes sick with sadness, cause it's all over now, it's all out to sea

my montage of lost things, my shiny trinkets of grief // i find the artifacts, cried over a hat, cursed the space that i needed. i trace the evidence, make it make some sense why the wound is still bleeding?

[httpmentalbreakdown]

Not Quite

Renesmee reflects on being half human in a vampire family and the effects of her birth.

It was about midnight and the feeling of drowsiness was setting in. Jacob had left about two hours ago, well 1 hour, 45 minutes, and 36, 37, 38 seconds ago, She wasn’t trying to keep count though, but it was the only thing that could keep her conscious at this point. She hated knowing she could fall asleep. The knowledge that she even needed to. It wasn’t just the nightmares that would sometimes plague her. They were the most vivid though. The flashes of black cloaks and crimson eyes. The fear in her parents eyes. Gold eyes. Safe eyes. The fear she caused. She had to be careful thinking the latter in case her father decided to tune in. Her mother always said she inherited his self deprecation. It was her fault though, in a way. If she wasn’t such an anomaly, her family wouldn’t have been and still be on the Volturi’s radar. Tanya and Kate wouldn’t have had to mourn a sister. Jacob, as depressed as it made her, wouldn’t have had to give up his autonomy. So much destruction at the hands of her biology. The same biology that ensured she must sleep and relive it. Her photographic memory proved to be a curse. It wasn’t necessarily sleep she hated, but what it represented. Her family could stay awake for days, weeks, months, years, centuries and not budge. There was no need for vampires to rest in a body that never tired. A mind capable of 1000 thoughts at once, never required a recharge. Despite possessing the same functions of that mind, her body still wanted to drift to unconsciousnesses. It was just another reminder of how she wasn’t quite immortal enough. She could never fully fit in with her family, despite the immense love they shared. She feels it when she notices the slight lack of fluidity in her steps. When Uncle Emmett laughs after her stomach growled. Her alabaster skin only glistening amongst the sparkle. A rhinestone trying to compete with a diamond. How fitting. Sometimes La Push or school could offer a refuge against the inferiority, but not often. It only reminded her how she also wasn’t quite human enough either. The shame she felt at the occasional disgust human food brought her when she craved blood. How she soon bored of the speed at which it took for humans to process, well, everything. The way she had to withhold so much to keep their secret. She’s tried to discuss this with Jacob, but he can’t help but be biased. The constant reassurance that everyone loved her. That he loved her. She appreciated it, but she wanted advice not reassurance of her perfection. Even Nahuel, the only one who could truly understand, couldn’t fully grasp her need to embrace her human side. How could she possibly feel inferior to a slow, fragile, constantly aging human ? The same reassurance of her perfection and rarity. That she was just right on the outskirts of vampire and human. Not quite one or the other, just about falling short. Trying to find common ground in two worlds that both didn’t want her at one point or another. Her father picks her up to put her in bed. There’s no way to fight it. She’s too tired to try anymore.

[justashadetalkative]

IC Musings: Diamond

“Parents are... complicated, for me. Even under the best of circumstances, I am rarely what any parent would expect, and from my own end... well.

Among a great number of reasons why experiencing life as a child and being born to new families is a conflicting experience for me, it’s... I’ve essentially killed whoever their child would or could have been. Which. Even when I don’t choose to reveal my history to the people around me, it still weighs on my mind.

It isn’t an insurmountable barrier to a positive relationship, but it’s... difficult.”

[joyofkinoko]

Diamond in the Rough | 31 (~1.1k words)

You’ve never liked your older brother’s job as a paranormal investigator on YouTube, but as long as he never brought it home, you didn’t mind. But after a series of nightmares and unexplainable circumstances, you suck it up and ask Yeonjun and his friends for help in getting rid of the ghost that’s attached itself to you. And though Taehyun warned him against it, Hueningkai finds his own self getting attached to you too.

.: friends to lovers .:. f!reader .:. fluff, hurt/comfort, paranormal :.

.: tw: paranormal elements, mature language, depression :.

.: masterlist .:. budget ghostbusters :.

“Hi! Are you Seo Ahyoung?”

The young woman looks up to meet your eyes, initially startled by your question but she immediately smiles once she recognizes who you are and why you’re here at the Star Seekers cafe. She nods in confirmation, allowing you to introduce yourself as you slide into the seat in front of her.

“Have you ordered yet?” You ask, picking up the menu.

She shakes her head no, making eye contact though you can sense her nervousness. “I wanted to wait for you. How about we get our food before we get to talking, yeah?”

You were nervous waking up this morning. Taehyun had told you that Seo Ahreum was eager to meet with ‘someone who knew her sister’, so you’d expected her to be willing to converse, but you didn’t expect her to be so kind and patient. And when your lunches arrive, she’s the one who initiates the discussion.

“You’re a lot younger than I thought you would be,” she comments though it’s clear she has no judgement in her tone.

You clear your throat. “How much did Taehyun tell you about this meeting?”

And after a moment of pondering from her end, she sighs. “I’m not a believer in many supernatural things. I’m not religious either, though Ah-” she pauses, and you mentally note to try and steer clear of saying her sister’s name in fear of triggering her further. “My sister was… Are you?”

“A believer?”

“Yes.”

It almost makes you laugh how much this conversation reminds you of the one you had with Kai on the first night that you told the Budget Ghostbusters about your haunting. It’s comforting. “I never really have been. I always preferred having proof over just blindly believing in something.”

And to that, Ahreum raises her glass of iced tea like it’s a toast of champagne. “My sister was the complete opposite. She was too kind to everyone, and always believed in everyone. She didn’t ever wanna doubt someone’s intentions even when they were clearly in the wrong.”

“She was… forgiving?”

“Too forgiving.”

“I can be like that as well, which sucks because it puts you in a position where anyone can take advantage of you.”

Ahreum looks up at you. “Taehyun gave me a rundown of your… alleged situation, and while I can’t say that I’m not sceptical, I want to hear you out. My sister would want me to.”

“How much did Taehyun tell you?”

“Just enough for me to want to meet you, but I still want to hear everything from your side,” Ahreum answers, giving the floor for you to tell your story.

And so you do.

From the beginning of the story on your field trip to the mountains just over a year ago to your trip to the mountains just last week, including but not limited to every time a mirror has shattered near you or the party you’d held. And with Ahreum’s encouragement, you tell her honestly about Karina and Heeseung and being bullied online by your brother’s fans and you tell her about telling him and his friends for the first time. You tell her that the only reason you’re here today without a single attack from the spirit in about a week is because you were brave enough to tell them and ask for help.

And by the end of your tale, Ahreum is weeping and, you have to admit, so are you.

“She…” Ahreum trails off. “You have a good brother. I’m glad you have him.”

And while you know you might be overstepping a boundary, you return the sentiment. “I’m sure you were a wonderful sister as well.”

“No, I- I wasn’t. She asked for my help and I tried everything! I loved- love her so much. I love Ahri so much, but in the end…”

“You were more than enough, Ahreum,” you say, though you’re not sure where your conviction is coming from as a chill blows through the air within the cafe despite the closed windows and doors. “You are more than enough, and I… Ahri misses you.”

She looks up and meets your eyes for the first time since you started telling your side of the story, and for the first time today, you see a genuine smile on her face. You can’t help but think that Seo Ahri probably looked like her. She’s beautiful.

“Is she here with us?” Ahreum asks, wiping her tears away with a table napkin.

“I think so.”

And for the rest of your lunch together, Ahreum and you bounce off one another, talking about your sibling relationships and talking about what kind of person Ahri was when she was around. And Ahreum shares that her parents are retired in the countryside now and that she’s doing her best to live and be happy so that Ahri can look down and be proud of her. And Ahreum, holding your hands across the table, holds your hand with the brightest smile, thanking you and wishing you well before she gets up and gathers her things to leave.

But before she does, she looks up at nothing in particular, contentment instead of worry riddling her face. “Ahri… If you’re here, I love you, and I hope you find peace. That is my last wish for you, and for your new friend here,” Ahreum says, looking back at you, melancholiness in her eyes. “And by the way, you deserve to find peace too, so go over to your friend there in the corner and just be with him already.” And with a wink, she leaves the cafe.

You didn’t realise that she noticed Kai sitting in the back of the cafe. You knew Ahreum would recognize the Budget Ghostbusters, but for her to notice Kai sitting away from you two as a backup was a little embarrassing on your end. But regardless, you are endeared by her final message to you, so gathering up your courage, you stand up and turn to Kai who is smiling back at you so beautifully in his corner of the cafe. His mop of brown hair is almost long enough to cover his eyes but you still feel his warmth - his warmth that is enough to wash away the earlier chill within the cafe.

Or perhaps, this is just a sign of winter’s end, passing on for spring to begin.

Or maybe, just maybe, the chill disappearing is Ahri finding her peace and following her sister out into the world, ready to leave you to find your happiness.

taglist: @day6andetcetera @blaaiissee @etherealcherrie @duolingofanaccount @lovable-squidbrain @choi-y-n @soobsdior @rae-blogging @hotgirlsunoo @butterflx @groovybiscuitdiplomatpeach @joti17 @rieoluv

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.

[dimonds456]

*sees your tags about being salty about suf spinel*

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOT SHARE YOUR SALT /LH

Okay, but I'm warning you, you asked for it.

LONG POST WARNING.

LIKE A REALLY, REALLY LONG POST WARNING.

Dimonds456 Presents: How They Did My Baby Dirty: An SUTM and SUF Analysis on Steven and Spinel (Told by a Progressively More and More Angry Narrator)

THE CONTEXT: There was a post talking about how you think a character will fix everything, but then they wind up making it works. My tags were "#*looks at suf spinel* #I am still salty about that like the bitch I am fghdjskgfa"

Grab some water, guys.

Let's start by talking about Steven for a moment. In the original show, when we were following him as a 12-14-year-old, we watched as he built up trauma and then learned how to hide it expertly well, to the point that most of the audience didn't even realize he was struggling.

You can actually pinpoint the seconds he makes those decisions, too. The best example is in "The Test," when he's storming up to the gems. He's pissed. His fists are clenched, he's got that anime eye shadow overlay on his face, he's frowning, all that. the Crystal Gems are clapping for him and lying to his face, and he KNOWS they are because he overheard them talking about how it was "impossible for him to fail" that test (- Garnet).

And yet... he also overheard them saying that they're just trying their best. They don't know what he needs. They never really have. No one is sure. So, Steven realizes that by picking a fight, he would just be making it worse for them because they would know they messed up, and nothing gets solved, and everyone gets more depressed and Amethyst and Pearl go back to fighting each other and- well, you get the picture. He doesn't have a full understanding of what's going on, so his kid brain went "so I can either be angry at them and cause problems, or I can tell them I did a good job to make them happy."

"I can lie to make them happy."

He storms down there angry, still mulling this decision over. He drops to the floor, frowning and pissed, and says "I can't believe you guys." He is so close to yelling at them, and yet, when he looks up at them...

"That was so... INSANE!"

You never would have been able to tell. It was right there. That moment. And then he never stops. For the ENTIRE REST of the series, he NEVER STOPS. He puts the Crystal Gems above himself every time. Think Rose's Scabbard, The Message, The Return/Jailbreak. The Cluster. Peridot. Dealing with Jasper. The zoo arc (ESPECIALLY the zoo arc). Aquamarine. Then pretty much the entirety of Season 5.

(NOTE: I went back and rewatched that scene for the screenshot. There is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it lip tremble in there too! D,: )

He lives for the people around him, and not for himself. Almost never for himself.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's look at his maturity. People thought that was just him being mature, right? That he grew up. No. That was not it at all. He was learning from his own behaviors as well as the people around him, and building up this idea that he had to "fight to be everything that everyone wants [him] to be when [he's] grown" (- Steven, the extended intro).

Yes, he matured, but not because of that. He started making various decisions to benefit the group that oftentimes he wasn't fully comfortable with, but something he believed would be better for everyone.

Put a pin in that.

Then, later in Future, we see it all manifest. He is selfless to a fault, to the point that he can't think of himself in a positive light in the sense that he's good. We see it a couple of times, but especially in "Prickly Pair," when he vents to Cactus Steven about everything that happened. He feels useless, which is taking a toll on his mental health.

"Why do I need to be needed?" He needs to be needed because that's everything he was as a kid. His entire IDENTITY rests on his ability to help other people, no matter what happens to him. He literally sacrificed himself for them countless times (the big one of course being the Aquamarine incident), and now as a teenager, his whole sense of self is wrapped up in this need to get up and do something to make the world better.

And when he can't make the world better, his world falls apart.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's talk about Spinel, the moment we've all been waiting for.

Spinel, as a gem, was made specifically to be a friend. That is her niche, and her purpose. Her reason for existing. At first, she and Pink Diamond got along very well, as shown in the flashbacks right before Drift Away plays (I headcanon she has illusion powers and was literally projecting her trauma, but that's a completely different post).

She and Pink vibed together for who knows how long, until one day, Pink started to not like being around Spinel anymore, finding her annoying and childish. We don't know what really caused the switch, just that it did happen (but of course, I have headcanons for that, too). Spinel never realized until it was FAR too late.

Steven actually describes his younger self as annoying at one point during the Diamond Days arc, when he decides to throw the ball, so I'm legally allowed to make this comparison.

Steven and Spinel were the SAME. They were both young and dumb, and something that at least a few people found annoying. People put up with their BS though, since they cared about them. But, while Steven realized this and matured because of it (or bottled up his emotions, to each their own), Spinel never did. She never matured. She was never given a chance.

In the movie, we saw her as a child, and watched as she played with Pink and never tried to be or do anything else, to the point that Pink Diamond thought to realize she might be struggling (and maybe Spinel didn't, either!).

She lives for the people around him, and not for herself. Almost never for herself.

And when she can't be friends with this one person, her world falls apart.

Sound familiar? It should. I literally pulled from things I said earlier lol.

Spinel and Steven are mirror reflections of each other. Reset!Spinel is 14-year-old Steven, completely devoting her entire self to one idea. Steven's was helping others no matter what, Spinel's was serving Pink no matter what. Spinel is like a combination of 14 and 12-year-old Steven in this sense, honestly. Goofy, without a care in the world, except one thing: the people around her. She would do anything for Pink, just as Steven would do anything for his family.

Now, Pink Diamond left Spinel. We all know this story. She left Spins there in the garden for 6,000 years because she grew more mature and started a rebellion, effectively forgetting about this one gem she kinda stopped caring about standing there.

Personally, I don't think Pink had any malicious or even intentional intent in that, but this ain't about her. This is about how Spinel continued to sacrifice herself for Pink, even when Pink didn't need her to anymore. She wanted to please Pink 24/7, all day every day, to the point she self-sacrificed and stood perfectly still for her for millenia.

Now, back to Steven. The gems don't need him anymore in Future, right? They've all grown up and matured and headed off towards their own futures, effectively stranding him alone in terms of self-identity and self-worth. But he stays there, ready to assist at the drop of a hat, or- in Future's case- the call of a phone.

Episode 6 anyone? The one everyone says shouldn't be in Future? That it should have been cut to allow more focus on Steven himself? The fusion episode? YEAH. THAT. He is running himself RAGGED to try and help others, to give himself a purpose. He is self-sacrificing. (He's a professional, don't worry. /j)

Steven metaphorically planted his feet down and decided that he was going to devote himself to the people around him.

Spinel's feet were literally tied down soon after she made that very same decision.

Okay, enough with the backstory. Time for the salt.

In Future, Steven is at his lowest low. He is running to the Diamonds for help, to see if there is SOMETHING they can do to help him. And we first see Spinel.

Spinel has been through the ringer on a lot of the same mental problems Steven himself is facing. She self-isolated, watched as everyone grew up and left her, and then began to lash out because of it. She understands what he's going through. We even see her concerned as Steven starts to tell her why he's there.

Spinel takes him from Diamond to Diamond, until he's running out of White's room in a blind panic. Spinel is able to catch up with him, and Steven realizes the same. SHE GETS IT. He turns around and says "Hey, you used to have vengeful thoughts!"

Spinel replies "Ohhhhh yeah, but I don't have 'em anymore."

"How did you make them stop?"

She then goes on to sing Change to him, effectively cutting that conversation short.

On paper, that sounds very in-character for her. She's goofy! And that is what worked for her! But the problem is that they had to dumb her down in order to make that character decision work. In the movie, she was shown to be observant and able to put two and two together, even if she often jumps to conclusions (see her being the one to figure out that the gems needed to remember their "pieces," as she remembers the Garden, her re-realizing what Pink did, and her meltdown later when she reactivates the injector).

Spinel is smart. It should have been in character for her to realize that Steven was panicking just as she had been, and needed to be talked to gently. But no. Instead, she starts belting out Change, which given Steven's situation, would not work for him.

At the very least, she would have started doing little tricks or started trying to get him to join a game, which would have taken his mind off of it (to her anyways, that wouldn't have worked either), which then could have prompted further discussion.

Then, once they finally start talking, Spinel could have been able to share some legitimate advise. She was hurt and lashed out. What worked for her was opening up to others and letting them in, learning to trust again (which Steven also has problems with- he can't trust that the Gems won't break down the second he turns his back. Trust does NOT equal love, there is no doubt he loves them to no end), and allowing other people in.

That is what Steven needed, too. He needed to let his guard down and just talk to someone. Sure, Spinel was not going to be a fix-all, but she could have at least offered some insight on what to do.

She UNDERSTANDS him. They are a reflection of each other.

But instead of offering help, Spinel made it worse. She was dumbed down to allow the rest of Future to happen, to make Steven feel even worse. Because- and here's the kicker- because the one person who MIGHT understand him doesn't, that means there's no hope for him.

At least, that's how he sees it. And so, the denial- and "Everything's Fine"- begins.

Here's the thing, though; they DIDN'T NEED to make that decision. If the Crew wanted to have Spinel not understand Steven, then draw the line of her being a Gem from Era 1, used to the Diamonds shattering people.

Steven has killed Jasper and revived her at this point, so maybe Spinel offers that at least he's trying to get better, just like the other Diamonds! See, they're doing so great now! And then that makes him feel worse since he IS trying to do better, but is only failing, while the Diamonds- who were MADE to be nasty dictators- are doing better than him.

The Diamonds shattered a lot of people, and they're doing better than Steven, who has only shattered one person, and not even on purpose. How horrible is that?

Then boom. THERE'S your angst, with a much smarter, more helpful Spinel.

Look, I knew going in that Spinel wasn't going to be able to help. The finale had to happen somehow, and we hadn't seen Wormy Boi yet. I have always been a storng believer of the corrupted Steven theory, so I knew it was bound to happen. But I was hoping that Spinel would at least try. But she really didn't. She just brushed him off, offering really loose advise that didn't even fit his situation and thinking that would be enough.

No. It's not.

I can see where the Crew was coming from. I still love that episode, and I love seeing Spins in it (until that exact moment). This is probably the only thing in SU that genuinely gets me mad. Or, well, maybe not mad, but definitely annoyed and- you guessed it- salty.

I have an unfinished fic where I kinda delve into Spinel's head for that episode called "A New Start". If you really want my thoughts on where Spinel's head was at, there's a bit in there that really explains it. In the fic, Steven decides to rejuvenate himself and brings Spinel along with him, and that's all the context you need for this.

I cannot explain that moment in the climax of the episode, though. Maybe she thought it would make him feel better, or that maybe he really did just need to open his eyes and see the error of his ways (which doesn't make sense, he KNOWS what he did). Maybe she thought that being silly would help somehow.

But you'd think she'd learn from her time with Pink as she grew more annoyed with her, but apparently not. Or maybe she would realize for a second that being loud and annoying was bad. Or maybe she doesn't learn.

Either way, it- and she- was dumb. And they did my baby dirty.

*drops mic and walks away*

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Analysis on Tommy’s character’s mental state as a result of the exile arc.

Hey guys, I often makes posts discussing Tommy’s character and one thing that absolutely can’t be ignored is how his character has been traumatised by his experiences during exile. So, I thought I’d discuss in depth and how it’s impacted his behaviour.

In exile Tommy usually described himself as lonely. This is somewhat true but it’s actually a little misleading if you take it at face value. It’s not really loneliness that was his main issue, that was just the easiest one to express. Indeed, people did visit, they just didn’t really help with the issues that were really plaguing him. And there were a few.

-Tommy felt powerless. He was weak and attempting to get stronger himself only lead his hard work to be wasted. Therefore, he was reliant on others for help, and was utterly unable to give them anything back for any help offered. 

He also felt trapped, he had to stay on the island so people could find him and visit him but he was not allowed to choose to send time with others himself. He was completely reliant on others deciding to visit him. (Him building not one but two bridges to make it easier for others to visit was all he could do to increase the odds of someone coming to see him.) It wasn’t just loneliness so much as it being something out of his control. 

-Tommy felt worthless. He felt like L’Manburg had just seen him as a liability and was increasingly feeling like they were better off without him. No one really cared about him. He didn’t feel like he had value anymore as a person. 

He didn’t want someone to visit him, he wanted someone to stay with him - he wanted to feel accepted, validated. That’s why he spent time making a guest tent, so people could spend the night. And was so ecstatic at Mexican Dream agreeing to live with him. 

-Tommy is a very clingy person. He’s extremely sociable and becomes attached really easily. He has a hard time letting go too. In exile he constantly missed Tubbo and obsessed over the fact that he hadn’t visited. Leaving on bad terms hurt him. He couldn’t resolve anything and instead his frustration and bitterness grew and grew. He was put into such an awful and dark mindset! Its during this that he lets himself grow attached to Dream instead, who subtly encourages him to believe Tubbo didn’t care. 

So, Tommy said he was lonely, but he was way more troubled than he let on. 

...

Dream also took advantage of Tommy and performed abusive actions that both confused and traumatised him. 

Dream forced him to drop his items, hitting him if he refused and threatening to kill him if he continued to resist. He then acted nice, protecting him, keeping him company and joking around with him.

He lent Tommy his pickaxe and trident. He helped Tommy get primes. He repeatedly blew up Tommy’s armour. He regularly destroyed any diamond tools Tommy got and talked about ‘letting’ him keep some things, like he was being generous. Dream talked about how L’Manburg was prospering with Tommy there, suggesting everyone had moved on while he was the one responsible for sabotaging Tommy’s relationships.

Dream acted like an authority figure, dressing up all his actions as reasonable and Tommy was at fault for making his actions necessary. He lied about Tubbo not caring about his compass. He promised to invite people to his party and then didn’t, letting Tommy believe they chose not to come. Dream’s actions left Tommy increasingly dependent on him, as he was both physically and emotionally very vulnerable (as Dream had induced) and Dream took advantage of it. Finally, when Tommy did a relatively minor act of rebellion, Dream blew up everything. He killed Mushroom Henry and destroyed anything else Tommy was attached to - his tent, the campsite Wilbur built, the prime log.

Now, one of Tommy’s key character flaws is that he is rather irrational. While he can be perceptive, he often gets driven by his emotions rather than logic. (Its part of why he gets attached to things so easily). Usually he doesn’t actually let his feelings control him, but the exile put him under huge emotional turmoil.

-Logically, he always knew that Dream was responsible. He never forgot anything, he was just struggling to process it.

Dream was acting like he cared and Tommy clung on to that. Even once with Techno he described his confusion at his exile and noted that he recalled all the events perfectly but was confused emotionally and basically wasn’t able to deal with his feelings on Dream at all. He knew he ought to hate Dream but wanted to trust him still. 

Thinking more on emotions is also why he took Tubbo exiling him so personally - just before Doomsday he apologised and said he understood why Tubbo did it (I think he said it was the right decision even) but at the time he was hurt and felt like Tubbo didn’t care about him. Tommy often acts in the heat of the moment but fixes things afterwards. The issue with his fight with Tubbo was that they were unable to see each other and therefore resolve things, causing it instead to fester and get worse. 

So, that’s basically what happened to him throughout exile, but how did this affect his actions? A few different ways.

-He became extremely depressed and almost ended his life. Though he ultimately chose against this, his sense of self-preservation is notably lower. He didn’t seem to be afraid at the possibility of dying during Doomsday. And he was also prepared to confront Dream again over his discs - he had nothing left to lose as far as he was concerned. Once Tommy realised that Dream didn’t want to kill him, he took full advantage of it. He walked up to Dream completely unarmoured while Dream was in full netherite and confidently ordered him around. He was not afraid of dying. And again, he threatened to kill himself if Dream didn’t return after already killing Dream twice. Tommy’s only slowly gaining back his zeal for living. 

-He became angry and lashed out. Jack visited him at one point and Tommy spleefed him into lava, killing him absolutely ruthlessly. This is not a nice anger, its a cold destructive one, a result of all his bitterness from his unjust suffering. A minute later, he can only ask, why did he do that? Sometimes, Tommy might seem meeker, but it’s just hiding pain and rage that comes out in the worst of ways.

When no one turns up to his party, Tommy destroys part of the bridge he built for people to visit as he’s angry and has no real way to lash out - it’s not logical but as Tommy expresses: if they really want to visit then they’ll have to make an effort. A few days later he builds another, not because he’s better but because he’s so desperate for company he doesn’t even care if they don’t really care as long as they show up. 

His actions while with Techno have him torturing Fundy and Connor, interrogating Ranboo and helping Techno release a wither on L’Manberg. This is not the normal Tommy. This is him releasing his bitterness and rage in a destructive way, with his twisted mindset being vaguely approved of by Technoblade (though even he thought Tommy was going too far!) 

-He grew unhealthily attached to anything that gave him any stability in his warped, messed up world. That’s why he started fixating on his music discs so hard. And why he clung to Dream so hard for a while. And why he clung so much to Technoblade, quickly growing dependent on him, desperate for any sort of care and validation.

It’s why he even agreed to help Techno destroy L’Manburg at all. He was in such a warped mindset and wanted to trust Techno even if part of him was appalled by the idea, but his anger at L’Manberg was also clouding his judgement, and he wanted to agree with Techno because Techno cared about him. It’s not Techno or Tommy’s fault but their relationship was messed up thanks to Tommy’s trauma. Tommy was so dependent on Techno and was not able to function properly alone and he was very driven by his emotions, which were in a mess. He could barely sort out his feelings on Dream, let alone L’Manburg or Tubbo. He even let himself believe that all they were doing was minor terrorism, when Techno hadn’t hid his intentions that much at all. 

-Tommy blames himself for all that occurred. When the anger faded, and he was a little less powerless, Tommy began to get back his own sense of agency, which he’d been lacking for so long. With more clarity, he realised that of course he wanted to forgive Tubbo and make amends. His experiences lead to Tommy feeling like it was up to him to apologise - and he did. 

In some respects, there’s some excellent development here - it’s amazing to see him put feelings to one side and realise that his anger and bitterness were hurting him. And he held himself responsible - that his actions, traumatised or not, didn’t justify hurting others. He had been becoming the person he didn’t want to be - and rejected it. 

But there’s some worrying signs too - his experiences left him in some ways too apologetic. His sense of self-worth is still low. He didn’t blow up the community house but at one point said he wouldn’t bother defending himself anymore as there was no point, nothing to be gained from arguing about it. He apologised to Sapnap for releasing Mars - wonderful but it was never really necessary. When interacting with the egg, he said he didn’t want to cause yet another war, having internalised the idea that he’s responsible for most conflicts. At one point he even said he blames himself for Doomsday. It’s not healthy to have such a low sense of self-worth. He no longer blames others for not caring about him - but he does blame himself. 

....

Well this has been a long post. I hope that better expresses how Tommy’s been affected from his exile. I feel like I’ve seen posts complaining about apologists using trauma to excuse his actions. Not at all! Merely to explain. You cannot discuss Tommy’s current character without discussing his trauma. Likewise, it has been treated seriously by the narrative and Tommy continues to have it affect his character. It’s ongoing. He is improving but it has had a long-lasting impact. Indeed his mental state still feels fragile enough that us fans have been very sensitive to anything that might impact him. Tommy should be handled with care, and few of the characters on the server realise this. 

[mable-stitchpunk]

With your last post, what are some of the top things that made you shudder about your character interpretations?

Oh goodness, where do I begin? Well, I'll start by saying that I'm not talking about one person in particular in any of these cases. Every interpretation is one that I've seen a few times from various sources, and I haven't seen many of them recently even. Anyway, here we go.

---

9: 1 is a rapist.

This isn't as common now, but there were a slew of 9 fanfics that came out a long while back that portrayed 1 as some kind of sexual deviant forcing himself on other Stitchpunks, sometimes with help from 8.

While 1 IS overbearing and tyrannical, he never gives any impression that he would do this. If anything, 1 seems to pull away from touch, and at times acts much more like a frail and frightened old man than anyone who can force himself onto anyone.

I find this depiction... Problematic, because it feels like it's an effort to make 1's actions more severe for drama's sake. To be blunt, I find sexual assault in most media to be a cheap tactic for drama, but 1's especially makes me twist up.

---

FNAF: Henry was depressed. (When used to excuse his behavior)

I've went into this before, so I'll only gloss over it, but as someone who has had issues I don't want to discuss, your mental health issues do not excuse your actions. Eventually there comes a point where you have to take some responsibility what you do.

...Unless you're entirely incapable of controlling your actions and behaviors, which we get no indication that Henry was.

To clarify again, Henry being depressed isn't what makes me grimace. It's the idea that Henry's depression is used to shield him when there's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging faults as a character and using that to grow your story.

Case in point, Bojack Horseman.

---

Steven Universe: Pink Diamond was a irredeemable monster.

Pink was a victim of abuse from her parental figures and in her attempts to escape them made a horrible mistake. Was it selfish? Yes, but plenty of other characters in the series made horribly selfish decisions and they were forgiven because they got the chance.

Because Pink is gone, she is now the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong, and unfortunately this is a sentiment I saw a lot when I was in the fandom.

I'm not saying Pink's actions aren't troubling and that she didn't make a lot of terrible, self-serving mistakes, but I feel like the writing decisions meant that they used her as an easy crutch. Not even giving her the same benefit of the doubt as her parental figures.

---

Oddworld: Have some... Feelings about some of Abe's depictions, but not enough to cause a fuss about it- and I'm probably biased anyways.

---

There's some other ones too, but none as interesting to talk about as this, so I limited myself... I've got plenty more FNAF ones, but I don't want to rant. (Unless asked, in which I will gladly do so.)

...I find that a lot of my squeamish depictions relate more to me than anything else, but I feel like there's a line in the sand up there somewhere. A balancing point where things swing one way or the other.

...Except 1 being a rapist. Yeah, no, I just can't with that. Sorry. XD

[lafirmament]

SOLIVAGANT.

diamond is unbreakable, josuke higashikata.

depression, isolation, self-harm, hurt, comfort

you’re so different when you’re at home, and he’s left having a hard time trying to tell if you haven’t exactly been you to the world

The self-isolation hasn’t gone noticed until you’d skip out on nearly any hangout with the crew. You’d been doing this for the past two weeks, and you bet he was counting. The beginning of your reclusiveness was somewhat tolerable - you just needed some space to yourself, Josuke would try to convince himself. He respects your choice .. somewhat, but he’d find the time to dial the [Surname]’s residence in a phone booth when he felt the need to check up on you while he’s out and about with Okuyasu and Koichi - and maybe even Rohan on a rare unfortunate day.

It’s strange having to deal with that man without you by his side for comfort, but it wasn’t such a problem to fuss over.

But what hasn’t cut for him was when you’d begin to avoid confrontation at school even, averting eyes when they’d meet his concerned ones so you could quietly dismiss yourself the opposite way. His shouts don’t seem to reach your ears. No more escorting you to your own class and being a few minutes late to his own, no more sneaking a few kisses onto your lips near the lockers, no more walks back home after a long day - just, there wasn’t enough of you to go about his days anymore.

He was understandably concerned.

Were you sick of him? Is he being too clingy? Did you not want to be with him anymore … but that didn’t make any sense. You were like this to everyone, even your other friends, yes. He’d already ask them about your recent behavior, and they were all the same answer.

You’re pushing everyone away.

And so he’d find himself standing right on your family’s doormat, knocking lightly on the beige doors in hopes of catching a glimpse of you.

He just needs to know if you were okay.

And as expected, you weren’t the one to answer the door.

“Ah, Josuke? I didn’t expect for [Name]’s friend to come by at this time, please do come in!” He hears the excitement in your mother’s voice as she steps aside from the door-frame for the six-foot boy to be welcomed in, face nearly glowing in what seems like apparent relief now that someone other than she and her antisocial child was in the house.

“Is … [Name] home? I apologize if I came here on an unnoticed note, I can always leave if I’m being a bother, you know -”

“Nonsense! I just said please do come in, silly! yes, they’re in their room right now, but I’m not sure if [Name] even wants company at all these days … They’ve locked themselves up in that tiny space for what feels like months. You must be here to check on them …”

Months, that’s exactly how long it felt for him, and why he’s here to at least discuss your distant behavior.

“I see,” he murmurs, then curses under his breath for letting this go on, “and yes, I’ve been worried, but didn’t know if I was allowed to feel this way - thank you so much, miss [Surname].”

Luckily, he’s already remembered the general layout of your house to not bother your mother even further about any other questions, choosing to head down the hall to the left that leads off to a general guest bathroom, bedroom, and then your own -

“Josuke sweetie, please remember to take off your shoes !”

Although he couldn’t remember to take off his shoes it seems.

In what felt like forever of drowning yourself in your own sorrows - you’d hear the light knocks on your bedroom door. Mumbling in between breathes to let your ‘mother’ know that you’re trying to take a nap to alleviate the constant state of drowsiness you gotten yourself into, you don’t seem to figure out that it is in fact someone else waiting outside your door patiently - until they hesitantly speak up.

“Uh, hon? It’s Josuke … if you don’t mind me coming in. I would like to talk.”

… That, was the last person you’d expect.

“J-Josuke, huh? What are you … I didn’t … ah freak, do give me a minute -” Eyes snapping wide open, throwing the pink starry covers off you as you scrambled desperately out.

He hears the slight panic in your voice, a bunch of scuffling noises following a suit in what he can assume is you dragging your unwilling feet right to the door, knocking over miscellaneous items on the floor on the way. As much as the situation isn’t fitted for a laugh, he couldn’t help himself from letting out a light, gentle one at your total franticness. Cute. It’s been a while since he’s caught any sorts of silliness from you, he misses the little things about you too on your absences, you know.

Of course, you don’t catch onto it - too busy being worried over how you currently looked and your mess of a room. Fixing the loose strands of your hair to look somewhat decent to the eye, adjusting the spaghetti straps of your tank so it doesn’t go falling of your shoulders at the wrong time, and forcing up a bright smile when opening the door graciously - cough, dramatically.

Just a little something to let him know that you’ve been okay this whole time, maybe.  

You stood in the doorway, trying to brush off the fact that your clothes aren’t suitable right now but … You were just sleeping earlier so it shouldn’t really matter if you were showing a bit skin !

And, he’s a little too distracted on stating the matters to realize it.

“Hi Josuke! Yes, you can come in,” you welcomed him, but it is hard to feel greeted when he senses something is obviously off.

There’s that distant look in your eyes again, you’re not exactly looking at him, you’re trying to look past him so you don’t go and break.

Though he brushes that small discrepancy away to not spark any difficult conversations right now, respecting your unstated wishes for now. You move aside for him to step right in, and he does just that. Sweating internally when he decides to take the time to get a good look of the environment you’ve been isolated in for a while: bed swarmed with piled blankets and pillows, cups and empty plates crowding on your desk, and dirty clothes piling up in a mountain at the corner …

You could only smile sheepishly at this, super embarrassed that he’s caught you. Mainly at the wrong time, glancing at your condition.

Looks like you’re living in a pigsty.

“I’m … a little unprepared, as you can see hehe … sorry if everything’s a mess right now. Didn’t expect any guests today … or at all really,” you tried to reason, more for yourself so you don’t go feeling down than you already are. Ignoring the sudden, suffocating apprehension digging into your chest the more you ramble off to clear any suspicions swarming his head.

You’re the mess, [name].

“So, ah … what’s the sudden appearance? Err don’t get me wrong, I love it when you’re here ! It’s just, you have to let me know in advance so my room doesn’t go looking like this !”

Obviously here to talk about how horrible you’ve been treating him, you didn’t even bother to let him know you wanted to be alone, you let him suffer, alone.

“Is everyone else doing well? Rohan still getting your nerves, eh?”

Actually, everyone’s doing completely fine without you. Adding on, you’re the only one who’s actually bothering him - so stop acting so damn considerate for once, you’re not fooling anyone this time.

Fuck.

You’re clawing your untrimmed fingernails at your sides as a response from your anxiety, clutching tightly onto your skin to fight back the urge on crying. Distracting yourself with the usual pain helps to keep the feelings in check when you don’t want to show them. It hurts, so much - but you feel better already. You hated displaying any signs of weaknesses to your boyfriend, to anyone really. Everyone probably has it harder than you, so why bother them with your useless tears? … Why do you even shed them every single night, bawling endlessly into your pillow are soaked.

What explains that gut-wrenching impediment in your chest?

Nothing.

There is nothing specifically wrong in your life that should be making you feel this way. The more you ponder off about it, the farther you’re sinking into -

“Hey, stop it, don’t do that to yourself.”

Josuke’s alarmed voice cuts you abruptly from your thoughts. Noticing the blood trailing down slowly from the freshly wounds you just dug into your precious skin, the crescent-shaped marks are deep - and there are scars that are oddly similar to them, running all over your legs and arms. Comparable as in it has been self-inflicted maybe … all he knows is that they don’t belong there.

“[Name]…”

He tears away your hands on a whim. A flash of light blue, and pink is all you can see - before you blinked another time to find yourself in the same room. This time, with your partner’s huge, huge palms in comparison to your own, are glued to your hips firmly. No aches from the friction whatsoever, just, him withdrawing them slowly as your gaze finally meets his.

A gulp.

You’re one away step from breaking.

This is why you didn’t want to talk to him - you couldn’t, not without having these … these thoughts antagonize you constantly throughout your sullen days. No, they were here to remind you that you were so fucking annoying to deal with. Selfish for wanting to always be alone these days, to collect all sorts of unhealthy feelings - bottling your self-hatred, and letting them burst out at the wrong time.  

“No. There’s nothing to be sorry for. I am the one who barged in all of a sudden,” he decides to take the some of weight off your shoulders. You don’t want it, but you need it, “… I am here to see you, [Name], I’ve noticed you’ve been distancing yourself from everything - to the point where it’s a little too much for my taste. Everyone is concerned for you.”

…

“… I’m worried.”

You turn silent. What, why is he worried? You get that he must’ve been upset at the beginning, but shouldn’t he have forgotten you later on? That’s what has been going on with the other people in your life, you’d expect the same for him … You’d hope that’s what would happen anyways.

No way would you let him be concerned over someone like … you.

“No no - no, why are you … you … you shouldn’t. I’m so sorry, god no -”

Great, look what you’ve done, you’ve troubled him.

“Aren’t you mad at me? For ignoring you … I think you’re confused -”

You deserved to be yelled at, stop abusing his kindness.

“Please, I know I do not deserve you, it’s okay if you’re thinking about breaking up then I’m completely fine with it -”

“Shut it.”

… What?

Now he’s the one who remains silent, letting you gape at the sudden harshness in his voice. He means it, in a stern way - letting you know that he’s absolutely serious.

You broke.

“It’s so hard being around you - or anyone, at the moment. Right now, I’m having a little trouble t-try … trying not to sob because … I’m so fucking pathetic. I think you should go now, ” You tried to laugh over the upcoming hitches in your throat, a sad attempt, honestly - you feel as if you’d spill all over by a little nudge, “it’s for the best, well - you shouldn’t see me this way -”

“Babe … stop it already.”

“I-I can’t ! Don’t you want to y-yell at your anger -”

“Stop.”

Opting to wrap an arm around you, pulling you even closer towards his chest - giving you the warmth you’ve been longing for endlessly during the days you’ve been asocial. Vocally, no, but unknowingly … you’d wrap your arms tightly around him out of instinct.

“I love you so much,” he whispers.

The tears that you held onto, for weeks now, are you finally able to let go in the presence of another.

You’d weep miserably into his chest, but it’s okay ! Josuke is here to encourage you to let it all out. Gently patting your back, drawing circles on it in a soothing manner as you bawled out your eyes. He cradles you like a newborn baby, rocking the both of you back and forth ….

He muses again,

"Hey, it’s okay, I’m here."

[echidnapower]

EP’s FanFiction Master Post

So this is something I should have done a long time ago on my previous account, but better late than never. For those of you who find me, this is going to be a place where you can find all the fics I’ve written over the years. This will be added to over time as I fight to revive my muse.

It’ll be categorized by fandom, so you can quickly find what you do or don’t want to read. Here we go.

Pokemon

A Valentines Dream Come True -  It's Valentines Day, and a certain redheaded Gym Leader is finally getting to enjoy it with the boyfriend of her dreams. During their time together, they get into a little discussion about dreams, and Ash doesn't wanna tell her his! So to get him to spill, she tells him her dreams...when she finally learns Ash's dream...will both their dreams come true? - Based on a drawing from @miyatoriaka​, which can be found HERE.

AAML: Diamond and Pearl Version -  Follow me as I remake the DP episodes in order and in sequence, all so I can add the biggest star besides Ash himself. Misty! Watch her and Ash's love grow as they go on their journey. The absolute LONGEST story in my portfolio, and you will see my writing evolve the longer you go on. Be prepared for a massive read that even now is STILL going.

All I Want For Christmas Is You -  It's Christmas time and the Ketchum household is hosting a party with all of Ash's friends. But while Ash and Misty dance around their feelings for each other, another Sensational Sister is about to find herself in a situation she never could have expected, but she'll be darned if she lets it slip through her manicured fingers. (Spinoff of @hollylu-ships-it​‘s "A Christmas in Kanto" comic which can be found HERE.

Best Friend -  "Why? Why did I have to be so stupid as to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend?" - Story told in Misty’s POV.

Blessings From Heaven -  I'm Ash Ketchum, and I'm getting married today! But how did this come to be? Through God's devine planning is how. Here's my story: I'm marrying Misty. - Warning for religious themes, told in Ash’s POV.

I Miss You -  Misty misses Ash terribly, and it's affecting her emotionally as she's more irritable than usual, if that was even possible. But Daisy has a plan to get Ash to come and see Misty again. Will her plan have the desired effect? Or will it cause something she never could've seen coming? - Based on a trio of drawings from the long lost Simply-Nicole. The old art can be found on my dA page HERE, HERE, and HERE.

I’m Misty, and You Are? -  Misty tells the story we all know and love...literally. She's telling the story. Based on artwork from the long lost Simply-Nicole, which can be found on my old dA page HERE.

Keep The Faith - This time it's May and Drew getting married, and it takes place in the "Blessings From Heaven" universe. Warning for religious themes.

Looks -  It's Ash's birthday and all of his friends have gathered together in the woods to reminisce on the time they spent traveling with their favorite Pokemon Trainer. But something's about to happen that could change the way that Ash and Misty look at each other forever…the question is, is it for the better?

Lovesick -  Kenny is feeling strange...he feels like he's sick...but is he really ill? Or is he just lovesick?

Madam Zara -  When Misty decides to get experimental with her appearance, she finds herself in the hands of a world-famous beautician named Madam Zara. With most of Misty's makeovers ending less than ideally, will this be the one to shatter the mold? And how will Ash react? - Based on a drawing and idea from @hollylu-ships-it​ which can be found HERE.

Our Own Sunset -  Ash and Misty watch the sunset together, but Misty's bothered by it. - Set in the AAML: Diamond and Pearl version universe.

Pokeshipping Week 2015 - My first time participating in Pokeshipping Week ever, hard to believe it was five years ago.

Pokeshipping Week 2016 - This year of Pokeshipping saw me collab with @hollylu-ships-it​, you can see the art she put together on her Tumblr page.

Symptoms of Love -  Ash and Tracey are hit by a Vileplume's Stun Spore, and Misty has to fend for herself in order to find a cure. But once she gets Ash back to health, Ash still feels many of the same symptoms from before. Why is that?

Tell Me I’m Pretty -  It isn't easy being the youngest sister, especially when your oldest sister is getting married and you're the only one without a date for the once in a lifetime event. Misty can't help but feel like she doesn't measure up somehow, but a surprise visit from her closest friend is sure to make her feel pretty once more. - Inspired by THIS piece from @hollylu-ships-it​.

The Road Not Taken -  When Ash gets some bad news from home, he goes into a depression and starts doubting both himself and the choices he's made. But luckily, someone is there with him to remind him he's loved and cared about. - Based on yet another drawing from @hollylu-ships-it​. Look at it HERE.

Warmth -  It's New Years Eve, and the recently married Ash and Misty Ketchum are ready to host their first ever holiday party at their home together, but when a snowstorm makes it so no one can arrive safely, Misty is saddened. But will they really end up spending their New Years Eve alone? Or will surprise visitors warm their hearts?

Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go

Iron Girl -  A robot girl who hates the fact she's a robot...will she realize just how important she is or will she continue to simply wallow in self-pity?

War Between the Living and the Dead -  The war between the living and the dead has begun, and the Hyperforce has to go up against their biggest challenge yet. But with help from their allies across the galaxy, they can triumph! Or can they? This is my take on what Season 5 would've been, plugging plotholes and making sense out of a series that left us all hanging.

Buzz Lightyear of Star Command

Reflections of a Legend -  Buzz Lightyear Personal Log - Stardate 92893.81. I don't quite know how to explain this, or what I'm feeling, so I guess I'll just start talking and tell you what's on my mind. There's someone I just can't get out of my head, and truthfully, I'm not sure I want to. - This is a first-person dive into Buzz’s character.

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Kim Possible

Angels Watching Over Me -  Kim and Ron are going down a dark path that could eventually end in their own destruction...literally, not figuratively. When the Sloth dangles over a cliff that holds their fate in the balance, who will come in their time of need? How about...someone they never could have dreamed? - Based on a true story, warning for religious themes.

Busted -  Hana wants cookie, Hana tries to get cookie, Hana gets caught trying to get cookie.

The Running Back -  All-star Running back Ron Stoppable is about to face the biggest challenge of his life. He's got just a few seconds to win the championship for the Middleton Mad Dogs, but more importantly to him, he's got just a few seconds to make his girlfriend proud.

The True Meaning -  Both Ron and Kim are well aware of the true meaning of Christmas, and that's why they're volunteering at a church's Bethlehem Revisited event to spread the word. Kim's happy to help and all, but...why is Ron calling her such a weird name? - Warning for religious themes.

Trick or Treat -  Kim is pulling a trick on Ron, will it be a great treat, or is he about to suffer the wrath of Kim Possible? He has no clue, yet.

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Fillmore!

A Promising Tomorrow -  Takes place immediately after the end of the episode "A Forgotten Yesterday." Fillmore's lost two of his old friends now and needless to say, he's tired of losing people to the darkness he was lucky enough to escape from. Luckily, Ingrid's there to show him that his efforts to rehabilitate his delinquent friends haven't exactly gone to waste. There's one person who's benefited.

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Miraculous Ladybug

You’re Loved -  Adrien Agreste, Chat Noir, different identities but more alike than he would like to admit. No matter who he becomes at any given time, there's always something very important missing in his life. Will he ever find what he's looking for? Or is it possible he's always had it and never realized it?

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Beyblade

We Are One -  Kai gave it his all battling against Brooklyn and his bit-beast Zeus. Now, after his close brush with death, Kai must summon the strength to go and support Tyson before disaster strikes the world. But there's no way he's strong enough to do it on his own...but thankfully, he won't have to, which is what Kai is about to learn. Sister story to "I Can't Lose You."

I Can’t Lose You -  A week after Tyson's battle against the evil bit-beast Zeus and his trapped blader Brooklyn, the world is slowly making its way back to normal. Kai managed to survive and is recovering in the hospital, and Tyson is getting some much-deserved rest. But when Kenny comes to tell Tyson that Hilary has quit the team, he loses it, and goes to find out why. My first Beyblade story.

Save a Dance For Me -  With the all new BBA launching with a gala to celebrate the occasion, Tyson finds himself in the uncomfortable position of needing to ask someone to be his date. He has someone in mind, but will his greatest beyblading rival get in his way and turn out to be his greatest rival in love?

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Teen Titans

Healing Touch -  With several Titans pairing up, the lingering emotions are taking a toll on Raven's empathic senses and causing her to lose control of her own feelings. When she gives in and does something completely crazy, it's up to Beast Boy to pull her out of a dark place and bring her back to the light. - There is accompanying artwork from @hollylu-ships-it HERE and HERE.

More Than a Hero -  I've learned a lot of lessons under Batman, he taught me everything I would ever need to know about being a superhero, about being Robin...but Starfire taught me how to be Dick Grayson, and she taught me how to fly. - Story from Robin’s POV, accompanying artwork from @hollylu-ships-it​ is HERE.

Robin Rising -  Life is good for Dick Grayson, he's the leader of a team of superheroes he's blessed enough to call his family, and he's about to turn 18 which he figures will open up a whole new world of possibilities for him. But when his old mentor and "father" calls in, showing that he captured a criminal that had eluded the Titans forever, things get flipped upside-down. - Multichapter fic which is part of a much larger universe, plenty of accompanying artwork can be found over on @hollylu-ships-it​‘s account. Go give her a follow and fav.

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Sonic the Hedgehog

A Light in Darkness -  A small band of heroes go back in time to try and prevent a cataclysmic event that would eventually destroy all of creation as they knew it. But what is the nature of this threat? How dangerous is it? And how far will they have to go in order to stop it from viciously destroying all they hold dear? Features a deep cast of Sonic characters, and a very special OC owned by @e-vay​

Anonymous -  For Shadow the Hedgehog, Christmas doesn't mean what it means to his friends and the rest of the world. Instead, he has a self-appointed mission he needs to carry out. But this year, he may find something that he's never really had before, and it could change the way Shadow sees Christmas for the rest of his life.

Christmas Wishes -  For ten years, Amy Rose has only wanted one thing for Christmas, and she's finally come to accept the reality that she'll never receive it. But a conversation with Rouge rekindles her hope and her Christmas spirit. Will she be let down again? Or will her one wish finally come true this year? Read to find out. (Sister story to my other story titled "Anonymous")

Comfort In the Storm -  When a thunderstorm strikes and leaves Cream quivering in fright, it's up to Tails to find a way to alleviate his crush's fears, and maybe even give her a reason to enjoy thunderstorms instead of fearing them.

Cream Adventure DX: Author’s Cut -  A redo of an old story. Cream finds a strange statue in the meadow, and she knows just who to go to to figure out what it is, but she gets more than she bargained for when she goes looking for him. What happens?

Dreams of an Absolution - Silver lays awake at night and reflects on his life in this apocalyptic world Iblis has destroyed...but most of his reflections revolve around a certain fire girl with lavender fur. He wants to be happy with her, but a warzone is a bad place to kindle love, and so every night he lays awake, and dreams of an absolution.

Relations -  Knuckles has a problem. He's in love...but...that presents a very unique problem...or does it?

Running to the Point of No Return -  Sonic is the fastest thing alive, and Amy is told that that's the biggest obstacle keeping her and Sonic away from each other. But what's she supposed to do to keep up with him, when there's NO ONE fast enough to keep up with him?

Scars -  Some things that happen in life leave scars behind that go with us for the rest of our lives. For Miles "Tails" Prower, such a thing happened to him in the depths of space many years ago...the loss of his first true love...though the pain weakens and the scars fade, they never go away completely, and Tails has learned to live with and embrace that fact.

Seven Rings and Five Fingers In Hand -  A redo of the final battle in Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonamy style!

The Heart of Chao - Chao are adorable little creatures, and they make great pets for anyone who's looking for something to take care of. But there's more to chao than just being cute, they're filled with more heart and love than anyone can imagine, and that can sometimes lead to bringing others closer together. Here are just a few stories of that very thing happening to our favorite characters.

Trapped In This Machine -  Sonic has seemingly fallen madly in love with Amy, but is this sudden romance truly sincere, or is it only skin deep, hiding something sinister underneath? - Inspired by a drawing from @e-vay​, found HERE.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Mask/Breathe

Another gift for @wildfaewhump because your comment about putting your oxygen mask on inspired me! Sorry that I had to rewrite the part that got erased this morning!

CW: Some HEAVY subject matter is referenced or discussed here, please heed these CWs: referenced torture, referenced past burns. discussed extended metaphor involving parenting and plane crash/loss of cabin pressure, mentioned/referenced sudden death of spouse and grief, self-loathing thought pattern, brief memory of choking

tagging: @oofowouchies who asked to be tagged for Antoni-stuff, plus @astrobly, @burtlederp, and @finder-of-rings who are my everything taglist!

"Have you ever heard the saying, 'put your own mask on first', Antoni?" Dr. Berger smiles at him. She has a bit of hair coming loose from where it's been tucked behind one ear, her short, sharp bob dyed a deep, rich brown. It was red last year.

Chris loves that about her. He loves seeing people who change themselves in small or big ways year by year, the way he does. Antoni, though, doesn’t change. He stays the same, more or less. His hair a little shaggier, or longer, his eyes set a little more deeply in his face. But mostly he is the same.

Antoni gives her a thin smile, a barely-there stretch of lips, and gives his head a little shake, ducking his chin to look down towards the floor in the safehouse he goes to for therapy on Thursdays. "No, I am sorry," He says, softly. "I don't know the phrase."

At least, he doesn't know it anymore.

It does sting at the inside of his mind, in a way he can't turn into anything coherent. Itches like his scars. Gives him a sense of feeling very small in a big space, of falling asleep in someone's lap. The sudden dip in his stomach like being at the top of a roller coaster and knowing there is no way you’ll survive the trip back down, and yet you do, and yet he did, somewhere in the deeper recesses of his memories.

Dr. Berger can see when Antoni’s eyes go distant - she works with fifteen rescues at any given time, meeting with them in the evenings and weekends, fitting in an hour here or there when her regular practice won’t notice. She is used to the way a rescue’s face can shift to something empty and sad in a blink, as they find some part of themselves just peeking up above the surface.

With Antoni, he tries to let it drift back beneath as often as it can. What he remembers is bad enough. He doesn’t want to know how much worse it could get, for him to know why all of this happened to him.

She waits, as always, for Antoni to find himself again. Only then does she speak. "When you board a plane, there's a bit about safety at the beginning," Dr. Berger says thoughtfully. 

Her pen taps the notepad she keeps. She’s written some things there, in the code she uses. Even if someone found her notes, they would be about a manic-depressive, a man fighting generalized anxiety, treating an adult with ADHD - you would never look at those notes and know she is writing about Leila, about Antoni, about Chris.

You could read her notes on a patient struggling with abandonment issues caused by an abusive relationship and never once understand that she speaks to Kauri on Friday nights, the weeks he agrees to show up at her door with a shy, nervous smile and the wish, just one more week one more meeting one more time, to try.

Antoni's fingertips tap against his own leg. His left leg is the bad one today. They take turns, his limbs, burning over old scars with new injuries that aren't real. They keep him tightrope-walking along some terrible boundary between the person he must be - strong, capable, always ready with a helping hand - and the smaller, meaner, worse person he really is.

The damaged skin, the broken nerves inside of him are all reminders that he deserved it all, and worse, and if he went back he could wear all his wrongs on his skin like he should. But he won’t go back. 

He is too needed. As long as he’s needed, he will stay.

As long as he’s needed-

"They give the same speech every time. Wear your seatbelt as long as the light is on, stay seated, all these basic things. We all kind of know it by our second or third flight but they still repeat it, so that your… well, so your muscle memory will remember in an emergency even when you can’t think rationally, even if you’re following the lights towards the exit because your body knows there was a speech about this even though your mind’s just… checked out with panic. Sorry, let me get to my point. There's a bit there about what to do in a worst-case scenario... like a pressure drop if the plane has to change altitude too quickly. These little masks drop down from, ah-" She frowns, eyebrows furrowing. "Little... panels above your seat. And if you put the mask on, it gives you oxygen until you have enough in the plane to breathe again."

Antoni nods, just to show he's listening.

“One thing that they say, during the speech about the oxygen masks, is how important it is if you’re flying with someone who needs assistance, or you have a child or infant, that you put their oxygen mask on before your own. In the case of a pressure drop, you have seconds, Antoni, before you’ll stop thinking rationally, start acting drunk, losing reason. You have a minute, maybe a couple of minutes, before the situation is even more dire than that. So it’s imperative, absolutely essential, to put your own mask on before you help your child. Do you know why?”

He looks up at her, her warm understanding eyes, and shakes his head. “If you did that, you would save only yourself,” He points out, his voice low, a little gravelly.  “You should save the child instead.”

“No, Antoni.” She licks at her lips in thought, and his eyes drop to her hands, to the wedding band she wears with a sparkling diamond on one finger layered over a plain band next to it. I wear one for my late husband, She’d told him when he asked, and one for my second husband. 

I am so sorry. How did he die?

It was… sudden. Let’s not discuss my scars on our first meeting, Antoni. I’m sorry, it’s just difficult for me to talk about.

But they must talk about his, the ones he will admit to anyway, until he can barely breathe for the burning. He has to admit, though, he feels cleaner when he leaves these appointments, like he’s been purified by the fire, not burned by it. If he could only burn enough…

Dr. Berger clears her throat and gestures with the pen in her hand as she speaks. “As a mother - no, a parent - every single instinct in you will scream to save your baby first. This doesn’t apply across the board, obviously, but for most parents there will be a primal need to get your child out of danger before you care for yourself. In the case of hypoxia, those moments you spend trying to put a mask on your child could result in enough of a loss of oxygen to the brain that you are not only unable to get your own mask on, but you don’t put your child’s on correctly. But if you put your own mask on first, you will have a clear head and working lungs and can take the steps you need in your right mind to provide the best possible result to the situation.”

Antoni waits a beat, then swallows. “Dr. Berger, this is not a plane crash. I am not… I am not a parent.”

He can’t imagine the terror, of handling something so tiny and fragile as the children he sees, like Leila’s tiny infant daughter. Of having to hold it and feed it and care for it when it needed you more than it needed anything else in the world. How could you ever be expected not to shatter under the weight of that sort of responsibility? 

Bad parents made sense to Antoni, the way that bad owners made sense. Power and control over another human being gave you too many reasons, too many chances, to make them suffer for their sins against you. What staggered him wasn’t the existence of bad parents, but that anyone could be a good one.

“Aren’t you, Antoni?” Dr. Berger gives him that slight smile again, then waves her hand. “Sorry, that wasn’t a useful question to ask you. What I’m trying to say is that you come here every week and tell me about your life, but there is something missing from the story.”

There’s a flip in his stomach. He knows where this is going. “What?”

“You.” She taps her notepad again, where she’s written his ‘code’ name, the fake one she uses for all her reports on him. “You are missing, Antoni. You spend your every waking moment supporting Jake Stanton, and Chris, and helping out with the other shelters, and these are all valuable things, but… what of your life is about you?”

He rubs his face with his hands, shaking his head back and forth. “I am not-... I am not sure what you mean.” His voice trembles, a little, something inside him twists and turns to ice. “I like what I do.”

“I know, but… Antoni.” Dr. Berger sits back, glancing over at the window at the night outside. There’s a street light shining a circle down on the sidewalk, and outside of that hint of light the rest of the neighborhood is shrouded in darkness except for the dim yellow lights he can see cutting through blinds or shining out second-story windows. “Do you begin to see how the metaphor applies?”

He doesn’t answer. If he doesn’t answer, he won’t have to say yes.

“You have built a life that consists of providing oxygen to everyone else around you,” Dr. Berger says, and her voice is very low, and soft. “I know the feeling. I did the same, after… well. I did the same once upon a time. I had two young children and it was, God, I don’t even remember the first year. It’s just… the life I’d had was gone, and rather than think about a new one, all I did was tread water. All I did was put the masks on my children and pray I would find the air to breathe before it was too late for me, too. When we have our talks, Antoni, I find… I see a lot of that same way of living in you.”

“I have not lost my husband.” He looks up at her but she isn’t smiling, only looking at him very seriously again, studying his face in that way she has of looking beneath. 

“No,” She says, quietly. “But you lost a life, one that you have been led to believe you were responsible for losing. You are entitled to your life, Antoni. You did something immense to reclaim it. I’m only saying… well.” She shrugs, just a little. “I’m only saying that you must remember that you did reclaim it. I’m saying… Chris deserves his life, yes, and you are an essential part of it. Jake deserves his life, and he couldn’t do this without your support. But…”

The pause between them draws out and draws out until he can barely stand the itching that covers every inch of his skin.

Beg for me to stop, darling. Beg for it to be over, but know that you don’t deserve the mercy. He can almost feel the hands gripped around his throat, crushing his windpipe under the press of thumbs, the weight of Mr. Davies pushing his back into the floor until he thought he might sink into it and be buried under the floorboards of Mr. Davies’ beautiful home, another swirl in the woodgrain, a man’s life soaked into a rug, bled away, painted across the walls.

You don’t deserve the life I allow you, darling.

“You deserve to breathe, Antoni,” Dr. Berger says, softly. “You deserve to put your mask on. You deserve the air. You won’t be able to grapple with anything until you are willing to look me in the eye and admit that you deserve to live.”

The clock strikes the hour.

Their time is up.

[a-heist-of-words]

Two sides of one coin:

As I was browsing the tag, I saw many posts discussing how former and current powers manifest, and the “meaning” behind how the Diamonds tried to help our boy Steven, and I had an interesting thought, as someone who has experienced and still deals with anxiety, depression and PTSD.

Yellow Diamond makes changes to physical appearance, but the gems she repairs are still cracked, a little bit. This can have a negative interpretation (hurting yourself by exercising at the gym too much, eating too much or too little, doing something drastic and unchangeable to your appearance such as a tattoo or a piercing) or a more positive one (going to the doctor for a checkup, exercising to increase endorphins, getting in shape, getting your hair dyed or cut).

Blue Diamond has a substance that can make you feel very good, if only for a little bit. This can have a negative interpretation (smoking, drugs and alcohol) or a more positive one (proper medication).

White Diamond represents confrontation with the self, if channeled through someone else who acts as a proxy/mirror. This can have a negative interpretation (hurting yourself or hurting others, including those who previously hurt you) or a more positive one (therapy and healthy confrontation with those who hurt you so you can get closure and, hopefully, an apology).

Steven himself, as the son of Pink Diamond, represents both healing and destruction. Right now, he is being destructive, not only to himself but to others as well. His healing seems mostly to be physical, capable of holding his human body together under extreme circumstances (as evidenced by all the healed fractures in his skull) and even bringing others (like Lars and Jasper) back to life.

The only difference between the Negative and the Positive interpretations of the Diamonds’ powers is STRUCTURE. When you’re healing, you can’t do it willy-nilly, because you risk hurting yourself more. You need a structured diet and exercise plan and scheduled visits to the doctor, you need the right medication in the right doses, you need regular appointments with a therapist you trust who can help ease you into healing. Yes, healing is messy and it’s not a linear path, but it cannot be an amorphous blob either.

Steven craves this structure, we see it when he berates his father for never giving him any sort of conventional rules or education and just letting him do whatever (which, fair, I myself have fairly controlling parents but I have seen first-hand the consequences of never giving children any rules). He craves it, but he doesn’t know how to get it himself; his structures are falling apart and falling away, and that’s natural, but he never learned how to structure himself, so he depends on his friend group and family group to always be the same. Of course, this can’t happen because life changes, and so Steven is adrift.

And Steven tries to find a way to deal with his problems but he’s looking for a quick, “miracle” fix (which, again, fair; when you feel so bad, you just want it to be over). That’s why the Diamonds couldn’t help him: he bounced from one to the other -and they suggested he bounce from one to the other- way too quickly and without any structure to help him in the long run.

Besides, I don’t think that this is a one-diamond problem: just as he had to use every diamond’s essence (including his own, and this is important for later) to fix Jasper, who was broken beyond any hope, Steven is going to need his body, his heart and his mind to heal and find his will to live and grow and change, not to destroy like he’s doing right now.

I just hope my boy can be okay in the long run.

[willowaudreykeyes]

My Opinion on Deceit’s Playlist Discussions

A lot of people have been suggesting songs for Deceit's playlist and I'm kind of disappointed in a lot of people. I’ve seen a lot of terrible recommendations on Twitter and I’m kind of sick of it. They're thinking too much about the aspect of lying and the manipulation that Deceit may or may not attempt to use against the others; yet many don't think about Deceit- the character.

He dislikes outdated laws, social stigma's, acts of complete selflessness. He isn't JUST the embodiment of Lies, he's also Self-Preservation and Selfishness. Two things that help keep our mental and physical health.

I've seen people recommend songs about lying that pertain to Deceit at all. They rarely even give a reason why and the reasons that I have seen relate to a fanon unsympathetic Deceit, and not the character that Thomas has created for our benefit. I want to recommend a song related to lying and talk about how it relates to Deceit.

“Bad Liar” by Imagine Dragons was originally written by the lead singer, Dan Reynolds about his disorderly relationship with his wife; yet songs can be interpreted in different ways depending on the person. I personally can interpret it as a song about Deceit showing Thomas that he does lie, but it doesn’t mean that he does it often or well.

“Look me in the eyes, Tell me what you see Perfect paradise Tearin’ at the seams. I wish I could escape it, I don’t want to fake it Wish I could erase it, Make you’re heart believe-”

The Pre-Chorus can be from when Deceit was first introduced. Thomas didn’t know that ‘Dark Sides’ existed, just that Virgil wasn’t really labelled as a Light Side before “Accepting Anxiety” happened. Seeing Deceit, learning about Deceit’s existence, broke this perfect image that Thomas was a ‘good person’. There’s no definitive proof yet -since Deceit has only been in two episodes- but perhaps, like all the other Sides, he just wants Thomas to be happy. Even if he must show that there are not-as-positive parts of him.

“Did all my dreams never mean one thing? Does happiness lie in a diamond ring? Oh, I’ve been asking for- Oh, I’ve been asking for problems, problems, problems...”

Deceit didn’t have to show up and talk to Thomas about the wedding. He didn’t have to put it into a legal setting. He didn’t have to put logic aside during the debate, and yet he did. Deceit seems to have won either way. - If Thomas went to the audition, he would have shown that Mary-Lee and Lee didn’t really need him at their wedding. He was apart of the crowd and everyone knows that he loves performing. - Now since he went to the wedding, or he at least decided to, he can show that he is absolutely miserable. He acted selflessly and gained nothing from it.

Verse 2 shows that Thomas’ dreams, his needs, should have been put before someone else’s diamond ring. Deceit knew that this may cause problems, and yet he put himself forward anyway.

“I can’t breathe, I can’t be What you want me to be... Believe me, This one time Believe me...”

Deceit is just that. He is Deception, he is Lies, he is Selflessness. These things cannot always have a good spin on them. You can work with him but in my own opinion, he will have the hardest path to being accepted as a Light Side. Even Remus can be worked with when in need of more serious material, such as the subject of Depression for example.

“I’m a bad liar, Bad liar... Now you know, now you know. I’m a bad liar, Bad liar. Now you know, You’re free to go...”

Deceit can’t be... fully good. Perhaps he can show character Thomas that he may lie and deceive people, but sometimes, that’s not a bad thing. I mean, he didn’t tell everyone that he was homosexual the moment that he realised that he liked boys instead of girls, did he? That was Deceit, protecting him until he found the right time or had the right frame of mind about himself. 

Deceit has been caught out twice now, possibly showing that Thomas himself isn’t the greatest liar anyways. Or it could be that Deceit wants to show what can happened when caught out on a lie. But if Thomas truly wanted, he could do as Patton suggests and just not lie. It’s his choice after all, Deceit only offers it to him on a silver plate. 

Like I said, he’s been in two episodes. I don’t include DWIT as it was just a bit from Remus. We barely know Deceit and I don’t think we will know too much about him anytime soon, as his title suggests; he may just Deceive everyone.

So please, I and many others enjoy looking at possible songs for his playlist, but think about what you suggest instead of throwing in a song that involves lying and manipulation. He hasn’t harmed Thomas and we have ZERO clue on his and Virgil’s backstory. He isn’t canon unsympathetic. He is a part of Thomas that we have limited facts about, so assumptions are to be made, but not blatant ignorance.

I don’t rant often, but seeing songs like “Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing” being suggested because he is manipulative and a liar isn’t what I want to see. You can associate the song with him if you like, but remember that there is a difference between his canon character and what people have thought of him due to life experiences that none of us but them can understand.

This is all just my opinion. I’d also like to see “Fuck You” by Lily Allen because it relates to his dislike of the current and past social stigmas. I’d love to see others recommendations before Thomas releases his playlist.

[aesthetic-uni]

Hi welcome to M E S C R E A M I N G

in asmr 

No I need a good title to get your attention and now that I have 

Holy fucking SHIT Rebecca

Steven Universe, a show I deeply love and holds a dear place in my heart is coming to an end. I don’t talk about it much, but this show does mean a lot to me. And, well, it’s getting nuts, and I’m a little scared to be honest. This show has only three episodes left and it can go in so many directions, I can’t wait to see it but I’m also scared and sad to see it go as well. Well, it’s been a fun seven years so let’s go out with one more theory

This isn’t so much of a theory but I want to discuss it anyway. As you all know, the biggest theory going around is Corrupt Wormy Boi Steven. It hurts my soul to think about it but this show already hurts my soul so let’s go

I don’t think Steven is just going to become corrupt. Steven will be fully aware of his actions when he becomes corrupt, and he’s going to choose to continue being corrupt anyway. We’ve already seen this happen, with the White Diamond episode. I think this may spiral into a true form of self hatred, and he’ll stay corrupt because he believes he’s a monster now. It’s basically going to be just his depression completely taking over, and he’s giving up. He’s not going to stop it, or listen to anyone who attempts to bring him back.  Which leads to the next part of this, weird ass theory.  At the end, Steven will have to finish this alone.  It’s a perfect ending if you think of it. This whole last season is basically Steven trying to get help with all his issues while also battling the notion that he’s perfectly fine. And now, he needs to realize he’s not fine, and he needs to come to his own sense that he needs help, and that’s okay. At the end, it will have to be Steven alone to pull himself out of his corruption.  I don’t really have any evidence for any of this. It’s just, this whole show has been through the eyes of Steven, and I feel like it’s going to stay that way until the very end. If they do show the corruption route, we’re going to be watching from a corruption point of view. If it was normal corruption, it would basically be wandering aimlessly and destroying stuff. It would be more interesting and impactful to see this as someone who’s reach rock bottom, and just doesn’t know what to do, so he lets corruption take over.

I might be 1000% wrong so take this with a grain a salt, but I thought it would be interesting. Feel free to scream at me how wrong I am

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XXXIV

It was a love story from the very beginning

I can see your pain...

(8x08/8x10/8x13)

Hello my friends!! This is another meta from my meta series. Today I'm gonna talk about how Dean starts to see in Cas something is odd, he sees him sad, and depressed, and he begins to be worried about him.

I want to say thank you to my wonderful friend here, @agusvedder , she made the gifs for this meta and discussed the episodes with me.

Castiel's sadness

Knowing Cas from season 7 was depressed, and then that he wanted to stay in Purgatory, gave us a sad idea about how Castiel was feeling.

We are going to talk first about episode 8x08 Hunter Heroici, Dabb's episode.

Cas starts to share more time with their human friends. But he is still kind of clueless about humans, and everything. He's literal with words and human's expression, and that had been the fluel for a lot of jokes in the show.

When Dean and Cas were talking in that gas station, Dean was questioning what Castiel would do now, because it seems he was kind of glued to them. He thought maybe now that they're back on the road, Cas would do the things he used to do, angel's stuffs. But no, he's still there with them. So he had to ask him...

So is evident, Cas don't want to talk about angels, or Heaven, or coming back to Heaven, he's afraid, and ashamed, and it mortifies him. He needs to avoid anything that hot to do with his past, so he decided to stay with his humans friends. And imitate them. Because he sees in Dean and Sam two good humans that help people.

DEAN: So what now? Move to Vermont, open up a charming B&B?

CASTIEL No. I still want – I still need to help people. So... [smiles] I'm gonna become a hunter.

Is so important the switch in the words here... He changed the WANT for the NEED. He needs to hel people. Because he needs to do it, to feel better with himself. To get better from his sadness.

Castiel tries too hard to be a good hunter, but his lack of "humanity" makes it difficult. That's why he fails in everything he tries to do

And there's a little foreshadow hidden in this piece of dialogue... Trying to decipher the case of the man who's heart jumped out of his chest.

SAM: So he stashes his car at the park across the street, meets Olivia there.

DEAN: His wife probably found out about it, and it broke her heart.

SAM: So she breaks his. Sounds witchy.

DEAN: Yes, it does. Guy was living a lie, and it came back to bite him in the ticker. But nice job on the bladder infection.

He broke her heart so she broke his.

If this isn't a a foreshadow for the incoming crypt scene and for the season 9 scene in which Dean kicked off Cas from the bunker, I don't know what it is...

He was living a lie, that's for sure foreshadowing the crypt scene, when Dean will realize what was happening with Castiel.

Let's jump to the big Destiel dialogue now...

CASTIEL Your father... Beautiful handwriting.

DEAN How you feeling, Cas?

CASTIEL I'm fine.

DEAN Well, I just – I – I know that when... I got puked out of Purgatory, it took me a few weeks to... find my sea legs.

CASTIEL I'm fine.

DEAN Don't get me wrong. I'm – I’m happy you're back. I'm – I’m freaking thrilled. It's just this whole mysterious-resurrection thing – it always has one mother of a downside.

Dean is trying to make Cas talk, because he's seeing Cas is avoiding Heaven's topic. And maybe he's trying to get to him, talking about that huge experience they had in Purgatory. Trying to empathize with the angel...

CASTIEL: [closes the journal] So, what do you want me to do?

DEAN: Maybe take a trip upstairs.

CASTIEL: To Heaven?

DEAN: Yeah, poke around, see if the God squad can't tell us how you got out.

CASTIEL: No.

Dean is still feeling there's some piece missing, he needs answers, but he can't see far more... Cas is in pain, and he will know again and right in this scene.

Dean goes for the normal way to look things... Of course, angels would kill Cas, but the truth is worst than that...

Kill himself? Dean is in shock. And Sam is there interrupting.

Cas saw a way out from that conversation, so he ran away towards Sam, but Dean is so in alarm about what Cas had just said, that he can even get up from the bed. And while his brother are talking, he gave a quick glance to Cas... He's worried...

And this episode already gave us a guy with a blue tie, jumping out of the building, commiting suicide.

Acting awkwardly around you

We are still in episode 8x08, I will point two weird attitudes coming from Dean...

The first one is the classis "I'll watch over you."

Is a simple, honest angelical offer to make. Angel watch over humanity. And why not watch over Dean? Why not if Cas is an angel and that's what angels supposed to do.

But Dean takes this as another kind of offer, it makes him uncomfortable, just thinking about Cas standing there, watching him sleep... Is so "creepy" but mostly... Gay.

So he snapped off that idea "That's not gonna happen," making that face that show discomfort, and some kind of stress. He's very conscious about the offer, because he's in love with Castiel.

Then... We had the old lady scene... I found a couple of good points...

OLD WOMAN: You are so pretty, Charles.

(...) DEAN notices an attractive female CARER walk by.

Why is this immediately pointed after a lady calling Castiel pretty? Because Dean is conscious about that too... Cas is pretty, and then a pretty Young lady passed by and Dean goes there. Yeah. No homo. Is just subtext.

CASTIEL: That's not my name.

OLD WOMAN: Oh! You look so much like my third husband.

I don't know if someone already pointed this in the fandom but... Cassie/Lisa... Are one two... And now Castiel is the third for Dean. 🤣🤣🤣

And this one here...

OLD WOMAN Oh, my diamonds, yes. I hid them there. [to CASTIEL] I'm sorry, Charles. I didn't trust you. You were quite the bounder.

Okay... So Charles/Castiel is the binder, this is a funny foreshadow about what Cas would do to Dean... He will break his heart.

Jumping now to episode 8x10 Turn and Frayed

Not mention the scene in which Castiel actually is watching over Dean, I want to talk about the exaggerated and awkward reaction from Dean when CAS is standing behind him, and he opens his laptop, with the "Busty Asian Beauties" on it...

Why is he reacting like that? If Cas is a dude, and the normal reaction between dudes would be just poker face maybe a joke or wherever, but no. He's in front of his crush, people! He's ashamed! He even covers the screen with his hand!! He looks back to see if Cas is watching. He's ashamed because he cares about what As would think. Because he is in love with him. Okay I will repeat this a lot of times during season 8...

And this whole episode here is a parallel to 5x03, Free to be you and me, we even had an intent of date!

And Dean is flirting again, and watching Castiel mouth, then touching his own lips, I mean... This is it. This was another date between them. A hunting date. The whole episode my dears.

Dean is also feeling proud when CAS requested the ingredients list Kevin was writing. Yeah, this is my handsome angel friend, nothing he can't get.

In this episode, Dean and Sam saw Castiel had killed Samandriel, suspecting there was something really bad going on with the way Cas was behaving.

Bi Dean exposition

Episode 8x13 Everybody hates Hitler, written by Edlund, is a big Bi Dean exposition.

Before we will be talking about that, I want to point here, this scene...

Dean is avoiding Sam's gaze, he is like playing with some books, because he needs to make that question as if that was nothing, just a bro, worried about his best bro, so, yeah...

But while he's doing that, is plenty obvious to the audience, he's trying so hard, and he's really worried, and he's ashamed for asking that. Because he was trying to contact Cas and he didn't answer his phone, so he's really, REALLY, worried, and struggling with Castiel's absence.

But now let's talk about how he's bi self was exposed when he met the rabbi's grandson.

You already recall the scene in the restaurant. The guy and Dean exchanged gazes, and the rabbi's grandson flirted with him.

And when Dean went to face him, he got very VERY flustered, and everything was awkward, and he even gave the guy a flirting gaze... Okay... He named that MY GAY THING.

Now... Why is Dean disappointed in this dialogue... (Also, pay attention to the symbolism and the parallel is hidden here...)

BEARDED YOUNG MAN The rabbi who was murdered, Isaac Bass – he was my grandfather. That's why we're here. When you guys started to follow up on his case, we started following you.

This is placed after the episode in which the guys met his grandfather, so this is a parallel to that episode, but also, what is about to coming, is a Destiel brokenheart parallel (the crypt scene)

DEAN So, wait. What you're saying is that you and me – we, uh, didn't have a moment?

You and me. YOU AND ME. Not YOU, JUST YOU HAD A MOMENT WITH ME. BUT YOU AND ME!

Because Dean had a moment there too... He thought they, together, had a moment. (Bi Dean alarm sounding).

RABBI BASS’ GRANDSON No, man. I was tailing you.

Now... The deception, and the foreshadownfor the broken heart...

Cas I thought we had something special, you and me, but it looks like it was just me feeling that way...

DEAN [to SAM] Told you I was being followed. He was my gay thing.

[to RABBI BASS’ GRANDSON] It was really good. You really had me there. It was very smooth.

Trying to remain cool... But he fooled him.

He will feel fooled by Castiel too.

Can I die now? Okay, after finish this, then I die.

To Conclude

Episode 8x08 showed us a depressed Castiel, thinking about suicide, not being able to come back to Heaven, and trying to stay with Dean and Sam, trying to be a hunter like them, because they're role models to him. And he NEEDS to keep helping people, he need to feel himself as a good person.

We had a worried Dean and and awkward behavior coming from him, with huge heartbroken (crypt scene) foreshadow everywhere.

Episode 8x13 was exppsitional for Bi!Dean, and it had a lot of elements that acted like parallels with MoL legacy and, again, the crypt scene.

I hope you like this one, see you in the next Chronicles.

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20

If you want to be tagged in this list, just let me know.

If you want to read the previous metas...

Links are right here: vol. XXXI, XXXII and XXXIII.

Buenos Aires, October 23rd 2019 6:20 PM