#(and they grieve the loss of that fantasy--in healthy ways or not)

[imavikingo]

I was thinking on when Steve lost Bucky for the 3rd time (1st when he was drafted, 2nd when he was told he was MIA, 3rd when he fell) he tried to get drunk to forget, right? If he did that then...

What did he do when he lost him for the 6th time? (4th when he escaped, 5th when Bucky was in cryo, 6th the snap)

I mean technically Bucky died twice, but Steve lost him six times already.

And of he tried to get blind drunk once of those times- did he self-harm in other ways too?

To dull the pain? He can't get drunk, he heals quickly, he can't die easily either, so what did he do?

He wouldn't want to die when he knows for a fact that Bucky is alive ofc, but I can't see him acting normally or without a little bit of reckless energy.

To dull the pain and disappoinment (he can't feel like that, that's Bucky's choice -Cryo-. But how it hurts him tho).

(unrelated to this line of thought but it is relevant to the idea regardless)

That's why I can't fathom the idea of Steve abandoning Bucky in endgame.

He lost him 6 six (6) times already and he just... Went away? To a woman he only kissed once? After all he did for him, the pain and loss?

Even if you don't ship them, you have to think that to be really ooc on Steve's part. Everything in his character arc in the MCU is related to Bucky (and loss). Yes he liked Peggy, but he didn't suffer nor mourn her the same way he mourned Bucky (She was alive, but had dementia and was also very old, and had her own life).

His feelings for Peggy were more a "what if" and lost possibilities than anything.

She was an idea, a fantasy (that's why Wanda used that when fighting with him, right?). Not something real.

He wanted to be with her, but he didn't really knew her or love her (at least I don't think so).

She was the first woman that saw him for him after all. Before everything. But that's it.

He liked her for that (and her strong personality too) but did he love her? He didn't try to get on dates after he was defrosted because he knew people would only see Captain America, not Steve Rogers. He needed to represent an ideal and knew no one would understand (the pain, loss) and have the patience to be with him. That’s why he also highlighted the shared life experience thing.

So she was comforting, reassuring in a toxic and unhealthy kind of way (memories and fantasy aren't healthy when used like that). But still a what if and lost opportunity. He had to let her go at one point. And he did(!) But they had to fuck it up…

I mean... it's the same thing when you're still hung up on an ex. You want to think of the possibilities, the what ifs, the "what could have been" But when you go back to them nothing is like you remembered, nothing is like you wanted and you are dissatisfied and disappointed.

(Because all of that was in your head, it wasn't real).

And besides, he knew she had a life of her own (a fulfilling one at that) so what, he was selfish enough to fuck that up too? Without helping HIM? Without saving HIM? Abandoning HIM? After just being brought to life? After grieving him for another five years? Bucky was his best friend, his companion, his best pal…

He wouldn't do that to him. He would die before hurting Bucky (as they already stablished for most of the fucking movies) He even was like “You don’t understand” when Peggy talked to him in the bars ruins.

I think in canon (not ooc/EG)Steve would entertain the idea, but would decide to just keep it as that: An idea, a fantasy. And move on like he already did before.

Also the idea that it was a Peggy from an alternative universe is flawed because he abandoned HIS Bucky, even if in the other universe he helped or whatever.

In HIS UNIVERSE he abandoned his best friend? Not believable. And the logic of “oh it didn’t change their timeline because it was another one” is also stupid.

They already fucked up with Steve fighting 2012!Steve and also telling him about Bucky (creating another universe more than likely). And they were supposed to be undetected. Not create new universes. Thats also why I’m so keen on the idea of Steve being in a prison or something. He already fucked up once, twice if you think he went to the past to stay.

How can he be free while fucking up the timelines? Yeah, nah.

Also… they implied Steve can’t age in a movie if I remember correctly…. How did he become old?

And the idea that he went to Peggy because “Tony told him to have a life outside of captain america” is fucked up. So what? He relates his Bucky’s existence with work? FUCK OFF. Endgame Steve is fucked up and the worst character assassination I’ve ever seen.

They were just too annoyed with the fans because we ship Stucky (even tho they used that to promote the movies in panels and stuff, hypocrites -​I remember clearly the producers? of the movie talk about gay characters and the actors talk about Stucky in those panels for then…be one of the russos in like 1 second and have that shit ass, fuck ass ending for Steve and Bucky. That shit was vile-).

im also annoyed with some people that now shit on Steve when umh… did you see the movies? The other movies? Not only Endgame? (Btw the only one that got a “good ending” was Tony because he died as a hero in front of everyone -even tho he didn’t want to help at first because he had a good life, the ONLY ONE OF THEM might I add-, everyone else got worse, is dead or they’re neglected and treated as haha funny character or haha funny moment)

Im all for ships and ideas and headcanons (even when I hate them with passion, you do you) but don’t try and use this character assassination as an excuse to shit on Steve. If you NEED to shit on a character for your ship to work, then you’re not doing a good job at it or your ship sucks. Idk what to tell you.

[gingermintpepper]

One of my biggest pet peeves is the assumption that something has to be sad for it to be tragic.

I've always been a big believer of the 'Apollo has an awful love life'/'Apollo is plain unlucky with love' line of thinking but it does bother me that the general reasoning for that statement is given to the concept of 'Apollo is somehow undesireable and thus rejected' (Cassandra/Daphne/Marpessa) or 'his lovers die young and thus their love is unfulfilled' (Cyparissus/Hyacinthus/Coronis). I personally think that's a very unfortunate way of looking at things - not only because it neglects the many perfectly cordial entanglements and affairs Apollo has had, both mortal and divine - but because it presents a very shallow interpretation of the concepts of love and loss and how loss affects people.

Apollo can still grieve lovers that have a long, healthy life. The inherent tragedy of an immortal who knows his lovers and children will die and cannot stop it does not stop being tragic simply because those lovers and children live long, fulfilled lives. The inherent tragedy of loss does not stop being tragic simply because someone knows better than to mourn something that was always going to end.

What is tragic is not that Apollo loves and loses but that loss itself follows him. Apollo does not love with the distance of an immortal, he does not have affairs and then leaves never to listen to their prayers again. He does not have offspring and then abandon them to their trials only to appear when it is time to lead them to their destinies. He raises his young, he protects the mothers of his children, he blesses the households that have his favour and multiplies their flocks that they may never go hungry. He educates his sons, he adorns his daughters and even in wrath he is quick to come to his senses and regret the punishments he doles out.

Apollo loves. And like mortals, there will always be some part of him that wishes to protect the objects of his affections. Apollo, however, is also an emissary of Fate. He knows that the fate of all mortal things is death. He knows that to love a mortal is to accept that eventually he will have to bury them. There is no illusion of forever, there is no fantasy where he fights against the nature of living things and shields his beloveds from death. Apollo loves and because of that love, he also accepts.

And that, while beautiful, is also tragic.

[amesvertes]

FANTASIES OF A LOVED ONE. neteyam

warnings: angst/semi-fluff/no use of y/n/death/implications of fem!reader

summary: in which you have a tough time coming to terms with the loss of your mate.

a/n: i'm sorry y'all ;-;

"this is not healthy-"

you yank your arm back from neytiri, hissing at her words. "no, i am going to see my mate."

"sweetheart, neteyam is de-" she tries to reason with you once again, eyes shining faintly wit the threat of tears. "waiting for me. neteyam is waiting for me." you cut her off, voice ice cold as you turn away from her, storming out of the marui.

so many emotions invade your mind; anger, frustration, sadness.

jake says you are going through something people on earth would call 'the five stages of grief.' but that is not true, you can't grieve for someone who is not gone.

to you it may seem that way but to your friends, your family, you are driving yourself into madness. hanging onto the tearing thread that is your mate's spirit. it's self destructive to say the least. sure you get to see him, but at what cost?

you spend time in an imaginary world, a temporary imaginary world, just to have to wake up again. just to have to face an empty marui, alone in the morning all over again? just to have to cook a meal, alone in your empty marui again, knowing you're only cooking for one person?

deep down, you know it's pathetic. but you can't help it, you can't help holding onto the fantasies your mind creates; fantasies of a loved one.

the journey to the metkayina spirit tree is a desperate one as you will your ilu to swim faster.

you barely have time to take in what used to be the beautiful scenery of the marine life as you ride past. it is still beautiful, but not as beautiful as it used to be without another pair of eyes accompanying your own.

your heart rate picks up as soon as you arrive at the glowing tree and you hop off your ilu, swimming closer to the large tree.

you hastily grab the braid surrounding your queue, extending it before you even reach the vines of the tree.

a sigh leaves your plump lips as you close your eyes and hover in front of your usual vine, one that goes deeper into the tree, allowing you the comfort of seclusion.

your tendrils connect to it causing a shiver to run across your spine.

when you open your eyes again you are met with the roof of your marui.

it must be mid morning, judging by the strength of the sun. a sudden sense of urgency causes you to bolt upright. you're late for the hunting party, for the second time this month.

a groan of frustration leaves your throat as you lay back once again, rolling over.

"is something wrong?"

there it is, the only voice on pandora that is able to soothe your aching soul. neteyam sully's voice.

you prop yourself up on your elbows with a smile, staring lovingly at your mate. "you made me late, again." you try to hide your smile, failing miserably when neteyam tackles you back onto the surface of the hammock.

you laugh when he pouts down at you, "you don't want to spend the day with your loving," he pauses to kiss your cheek, "strong," another kiss to your collarbone, "sexy," you laugh as he moves to kiss your ear, "amazing mate?" now he attacks your face and tickles your sides, causing loud laughs and snorts to leave your throat.

you wrestle with him in the hammock, giggling each time you hiss at each other teasingly.

this constant movement leads to the hammock swinging this way and that, causing a euphoric dizziness to cloud your senses as you finally climb on top of the blue na'vi.

"i win, you skxawng." you laugh out, staring down at neteyam's handsome face. his bright yellow eyes bore into yours as he wraps his arms around your waist.

a small sadness creeps up your neck as you continue to gaze down at him and you feel a tear run down your cheek.

neteyam frowns, cupping your cheek softly. "what's wrong? why are you crying?"

you sniff and shake your head, smiling at him in awe, "i'm just happy to see you."

"i'm happy to see you too."

this is the sadness of it; in reality you are not laying in a hammock, exchanging sweet nothings with your lover. you are alone, hanging onto fantasies of a loved one.

© amesvertes 2023

[loverontheleft]

Hey Cece I’m really struggling with accepting the end of Panic! and letting go of Brendon. I just can’t seem to move on from feeling heartbroken over it. Do you have any advice?

Short answer: I don’t, because I’m in the same boat.

Long answer: You may or may not know this; I talked about it more when I first returned to tumblr, but my fiancé left me after five years together.

Now, with Brendon? I honestly feel the way I did back then. My heart actually aches and my stomach twists when I think about Brendon and the reality of things. I feel sick, and yet I’m still searching for news and updates.

People close to me have said that revising my work is just perpetuating the fantasy, just me clinging to an ideal, refusing to accept things as they are, and they’re right. I’m heartbroken, but I’m also not prepared to fully lose him, not prepared to completely grieve.

There’s so much else in my life right now that occupies the “grief” box. I can’t add Brendon to that. I still need the idea of him to get me through it all. The grief box doesn’t contain my fiancé, for what it’s worth. When he left, it took about three weeks for me to stop dry-heave sobbing on my best friend’s couch. Then I got angry, realized how much damage he did in five years, and finally one day I thought about him and it just…didn’t hurt the way it had the day before. I’m still unpacking it all though. I don’t miss him, I don’t miss the man I thought he was, and I don’t miss the relationship, but I’m still processing the long-term impact of it.

Brendon leaving hurts the same, but it is not at all the same (obviously). On the emotional side, there’s no justifiable anger, there’s no trauma to unpack. There’s just loss. My best guess is that, for me, this will be a long process that fully begins once the tour is over and there’s no promise of new content. It will continue to hurt, but the hurt will dull and fade as time goes on. When I was a child, our family cat was content in my arms, dozing, until our German shepherd came barreling into the room. As the cat jumped from my arms, he scratched my chest so hard that in addition to the cut and blood, there was a pretty bad bruise. The bruise faded over time, but there’s a scar. I can trace it with my fingers and feel no physical pain, but the memory of pain is there.

So, to conclude: I’m letting myself cling to fantasy and ideals, letting myself just be hurt. I’m telling myself that when my brain is ready to fully grieve and let the bruise fade, it will. For now, I’m not ready, and that’s got to be okay because it’s the truth of my circumstances. I’m hurt and I’m heartbroken; I need to sit with that pain and I need to hide in the fantasies I’ve built. I doubt it’s healthy, but it’s what I can do.

[justashadetalkative]

IC Musings: Diamond

“Parents are... complicated, for me. Even under the best of circumstances, I am rarely what any parent would expect, and from my own end... well.

Among a great number of reasons why experiencing life as a child and being born to new families is a conflicting experience for me, it’s... I’ve essentially killed whoever their child would or could have been. Which. Even when I don’t choose to reveal my history to the people around me, it still weighs on my mind.

It isn’t an insurmountable barrier to a positive relationship, but it’s... difficult.”

[my-0512]

https://goop.com/wellness/relationships/the-legacy-of-a-narcissistic-parent/

First, you have to grieve the loss of the parent you never had. Really grieve the fact that you didn’t get the parent you needed, the one who put you and your needs first. Part of that requires releasing the fantasy that your narcissistic parent can change and eventually give you what you need. They can evolve and grow, but they may never evolve enough to meet your deepest needs. Therefore, managing expectations is key, particularly when you see glimpses of the healthy parent you wish you had had, but in fact those glimpses are often not sustainable. Accept that your parent was limited—and could not give you unconditional love or even deep empathy because she could not get past herself to truly see you. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, the anger and the sadness. Emotion has the word motion in it; allow your emotions to move through you. You might not have lost your parent to death, but you lost what could have been—you lost an opportunity to be truly mothered—and that is really a profound loss. Accepting this, rather than denying it, is the first step in opening your heart to healing.

You are going to need to discover boundaries—where you begin and your parents end—to free your authentic self. When you choose who you want to be, rather than who your parents wanted you to be, you break free from their narcissistic grip. Tolerate their discomfort, even if they make a lot of noise. You are not misbehaving, rebelling, or rejecting them. You are being you, the real you—maybe for the first time. This is the first part of breaking the cycle. Next, you don’t want to repeat/generalize the relationship that you had with your narcissistic parent to your coworkers, partner, or friends. Realize where you are meeting the needs of other narcissists in your life, real or imagined. Sometimes children of narcissists assume that every person they’re close to will need the same kind of hyper-attention and appeasement that their parent did—and unconsciously begin doing mental backbends to please others. At times you may be tapping into the expectations of a narcissistic boss or partner, and reflexively playing that familiar role. At other times you may be making erroneous assumptions about what someone important to you really needs—perhaps they don’t want you to mirror their opinions or they don’t need you to sugarcoat your real feelings or soften constructive criticism. Breathe, pause, give yourself some psychic space and then test it. Try just being frank, try not to rush in and take care of their feelings. If being different from your loved one feels uncomfortable—or if you feel you’re risking love with that stance—just notice it. Watch how much stronger your bond is than what you secretly imagined it to be. This is the gift of evolving past the scene of the original crime—your own childhood. Surviving childhood meant taking care of the narcissist and swallowing your feelings. But now as an adult you can begin to surround yourself with people that you feel safe and at home with—like soul mate girlfriends—who know and love the real you, and this can be deeply transformative.

Children of narcissistic parents often wonder if they are really loveable. You are! Start loving and caring for yourself in ways that you wished your mom or dad had loved and cared for you. Start paying attention to what really matters to you; what makes you feel alive and moments when you feel authentically you. Maybe you will need help mothering yourself. Maybe that means getting re-parented by a therapist, or maybe the healing comes from an emotionally reparative romantic partnership. Maybe you have a friend’s mother who is nurturing to you, or a mentor who celebrates the real you. All of these people can become part of your collective parent. No one person is ever capable of meeting all of your needs so start building your collective parenting community. And once you have learned to mother yourself, you will be able to mother your child.

[backtothestart02]

From June 1st through August 31st, I will be focusing on writing one main multi-chap (in addition to commissions and possible one-shots).

Please vote on which one you’d like to see written (and possibly completed) most! You can vote for multiple fics and once every hour, so vote, vote, VOTE!

Voting ends May 31st at 11:30pm CST.

Below are brief synopses of all the fics I’ve started and posted on AO3/FFnet, as well as the Robin Hood AU planned as a sequel to Before the Hood. Please read if the titles draw a blank slate for you. I’d like you to know what you’re voting for!!

Thanks in advance!

...

Struck By Lightning AU - Actor, Barry Allen, is a taken man in a committed relationship. Despite all good intentions however, he’s swept away by his new co-star, Iris West, and just can’t seem to get her out of his system.

Distorted Reflection 6x10 - Canon Divergent - In the mirror realm is more than just Eva. A darker version of Iris lives, along with her counterpart, the darkest Barry, Savitar.

Return to Paradise Barry and Iris' attempt at a second honeymoon.

The Girl in the Black Cadillac AU - He was a blue collar worker in a small town not shown on most maps. She was the daughter of the richest man in Central City. When their paths cross, sparks fly, for better and for worse.

That’s Criminal, Sweetheart AU - The Chemist is notorious for his dangerous toxins and malicious intentions, but expert thief, Ace, may just give him a run for his money.

The Heart of the Matter AU - When one night Barry Allen questions his own life, angel, HR, is shown highlights of Barry's life to see how to save him. {It’s a Wonderful Life AU}

Mixed Drink AU - Two strangers meet in a bar. One spells danger, the other, desperation.

Fallen Star Post 3x05 - Canon Divergent - Iris ignoring the threat of danger in pursuit of her stories drives Barry to his limit. Can the two acknowledge their stubborn streaks and forge a compromise? Or is their relationship not strong enough to resolve the tension rising between them?

If Only She Knew HS!AU - Barry, Joe and Iris go camping the year Barry hits puberty.

Beyond the Picture Window AU - Snagging the hot guy at the coffee shop is only the beginning. [Sequel to ‘Pining at the Coffee Show Window’]

Hazy Post 4x02 - With everything good between him and Iris again, the last thing Barry expects is to wake up in a time when Iris is not his fiancee but instead the wife of a very alive Eddie Thawne.

Haunted AU - Up until his freshman year of college, Barry only kept one secret from Iris. In 2014, he kept three. [vampire!AU]

Wet Dream A series of sex fantasy one-shots from either Barry or Iris for every episode of the series.

Hot to the Touch College!AU - Of all the places Iris expected to meet the love of her life, she never imagined it would be the erotica section at the back of her favorite bookstore.

The Updraft Post 5x22 - Barry and Iris' struggle to grieve Nora in a healthy way escalates when they discover the changed date of Barry's disappearance.

It Started with a Blizzard Sequel to ‘Blizzard in July’

The First Day of Forever Post s2 - Barry & Iris's wedding day from start to finish.

Robin Hood AU Sequel to ‘Before the Hood’

Fateful Kiss 2x18 - Canon Divergent - Iris takes a risk and shows Barry her true feelings when he’s at his most vulnerable. Things escalate from there.

When Time Stands Still 4x23 - Canon Divergent - Barry doesn't find Ralph in Devoe's mindscape, but he still finds good Devoe with a bullet through his chest. With no cards left to play, he returns to Iris and the team, says his apologies and goodbyes and hurls straight ahead into the Enlightenment.

Mind Games AU - When Iris digs too deep into Amunet Black's underground drug dealing, the results are devastating; memory loss being the first.

On a Whim 4x10 - Canon Divergent - In the middle of the courtroom, Barry and Iris share a stolen moment to decide whether to reveal his identity as the Flash to prevent conviction and being sentenced to prison. But Iris has more than one suggestion, and she's very convincing.

Flashpoint Post-s2. When Barry's rash move to save his mother drastically affects the timeline he wakes up to, will he accept the changes or try once more to change the past?

Runnin’ Home to You 3x21 - Canon Divergent - What if Team Flash decided to keep Barry from remembering until after May 23rd?

He’s MY Barry Allen Post 3x08 (and the following crossover eps) - With Cisco and Barry's relationship on the mend when they return from defeating the Dominators, Iris is more than willing to give them some space to make up for lost time. But her tolerance is running low since news of Barry's almost sacrifice chilled her to the bone. If Cisco doesn't learn to share, he's going to have to pay the price. But he won't go down easily either.

The Unconscious Mind Starting mid-1x12: What if Iris was not only having sex dreams about Barry after he confessed his feelings to her, but she was vocalizing them and Eddie was hearing it?

**NEW idea post-finale** (possible) Any multi-chap fic idea I may be inspired by after watching 6x19 (that is related to current canon)

[theritualofourexistence]

Odes to Old Gods

I started this year intending to journal about things I survive. Then at the end of the year, I could look back on my challenges and think about them in a more positive way--wow, look at what I overcame! The plan was to document everything, both good and bad, so that I could think about them more as experiences and lessons learned than as... good and bad. 

Needless to say, I stopped keeping track of those things in April. 

Earlier this month, I pulled out the journal again to update the list. I ended up quitting on that too. 

I do think, though, that in a less chaotic year, thinking about my life this way would be good practice. So, here I am, sharing my list with you in the form of an end-of-year, wrap-up blog post. 

A few quick caveats: 

This year was hard for literally everyone except maybe Jeff Bezos. 

It is not healthy to compare challenges or struggles or suffering.

I am not sharing this because I am looking for sympathy... I believe that being vulnerable is a very important part of the human experience but we can all also use a reminder that we never really know all of what anyone is experiencing. We shouldn’t need that reminder to treat others with love... but the older I get, the more I think those reminders might be necessary.

Things I have survived in 2020:

- A bit of a stalking experience in January which has since been resolved.

- Losing my job, hunting for a new job, securing a new job, training for the new job.

- My first Harry Potter tattoo for my ten-year tattooiversary.

- The fires in Australia.

- An absolutely wonderful trip to NYC with my dad when I got to see both Beetlejuice and Hadestown and have an enormous strawberry cheesecake milkshake from Junior’s. 

- Losing Kobe Bryant.

- Parasite absolutely CRUSHING the Oscars.

- Having a really, really good visit with my grandparents in March before all hell broke loose. 

- Weinstein being convicted and sentenced.

[Everything after this point happened during a global pandemic.]

- Losing Grandmom. I was unable to attend her funeral and still have not had the chance to grieve this loss with my extended family. 

- Losing my health insurance.

- A Zoom party for my Grammy’s 80th birthday.

- Losing Breonna Taylor. And George Floyd. And so, so many others. This is the first year I have really committed to understanding the current race-related issues this country faces and BOY, do we have work to do.

- The stress but success of orchestrating a safe family trip so that I didn’t have to go an entire year without seeing my brother.

- Losing my shifts at my primary job due to virus-related concerns.

- Countless other family happy birthdays over Zoom.

- My 60-year-old mother returning to work face-to-face with a student population that largely ignores all virus-related guidelines despite her working tirelessly for months this spring to offer UHS providers an adequate work-from-home option. 

- Being diagnosed with hypertension.

- A nightmarish friend trip. Despite our best laid plans for a safe and healthy visit, Mother Earth decided to trap me 90 miles north of my best friends for 4 days. I eventually got to see them for about 12 hours and honestly, it was worth it. That is the only time I’ve gotten with them all year.

- Losing Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

- The selection of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court.

- Our sweet girl Clio being diagnosed with a seizure disorder and then coming down with a life-threatening upper respiratory infection. 

- Learning that my grandmother would be voting for Trump in the 2020 election.

- The actual election.

- Losing Rooster, my sweet, sweet boy.

- Learning that my uncle has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer.

- Missing Thanksgiving with my extended family.

- Getting really excellent holiday gifts for my favorite people.

- Missing Christmas with my extended family.

- Safely spending some holiday time with my immediate family.

That is FAR from everything. But I don’t have the energy? Capacity? Time? to sort through everything.

Here are the things from this year that I am still currently surviving:

- A global pandemic! And all the associated chaos. With my asthma and high blood pressure and obesity, I am considered high risk and am still not able to safely return to my primary job. 

- Hypertension! More on this later.

- Grieving Rooster. In the days after we said goodbye, I wrote a memorial that I will eventually share here. Psychology has recently analyzed data suggesting that losing a pet can be equivalent to losing a relative... I have never felt grief like this. It’s been over a month. I cry every night. 

- Managing Clio’s health. She is still adjusting to her seizure medication, which she gets twice a day, and is still on medication to help with lasting symptoms of the respiratory infection. She is fussy about food and her weight fluctuates a lot week to week. She is also a feral rescue who has only ever been handled by me, my mom, and our vet. If mom and I are ever going to vacation together again, we will need to find someone who can manage catching and pilling her twice a day... no easy feat. Fortunately, at the moment, vacations aren’t really a thing for either my mom or I and I am working hard to approach these concerns in a cross-that-bridge-when-we-come-to-it way.

----

This year has been overwhelming. The last two months alone have been overwhelming. And they would’ve been overwhelming without the added spice of a global pandemic. The number of Americans we have lost to this virus has doubled since I last posted here in mid-August. Some time this week we are likely to reach a point where we’re losing 4,000 Americans per day. PER. DAY. This year has been overwhelming.

----

There were some good things this year, of course. I am so, so thankful for all the time I got with my immediate family and the very brief but vital time I got with my friends. Fortunately I am only ever a text away from my closest friends and we are able to message pretty much every day. I am also extremely glad to have found a place in the fantasy enamel pin community. The family I’ve found in pin-land has carried me through some of my lowest points this year. I spent more time in view of the ocean than I typically do in a given year... even though much of that time was still riddled with anxiety. I did art this year. I read books this year. Some really important ones, in fact. If you read nothing else in 2021, read The New Jim Crow. I also got tattooed! I’m going to include those here because I think the significance of each reflects something interesting and important about all I have survived and am surviving this year.

----

In January, I got my first Harry Potter tattoo! My favorite quote from the entire series is delivered by Hagrid during the Triwizard tournament:

”What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.” 

I got that incorporated into a tattoo. In January. 

Also in January I got a “Prisoner of Donuts” tattoo... because life just wouldn’t be manageable at all without donuts.

In March, I got a bird of prey carrying a book to represent one of my all time favorite poems, “On Thought in Harness” by Edna St. Vincent Millay. The final lines of that poem:

“Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen. Depart, be lost, but climb.” 

In July, I was able to safely navigate getting a tattoo that symbolizes the saga told in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. LOTR is my first and oldest fandom and the story is still so, so important to me today. The lessons I learned from Tolkien when I was a kid also carried me through some of my hardest moments this year.

Also in July I got a Plumpy tattoo. That’s right. Plumpy. From Candyland. If you haven’t played the game in a while, you may not remember Plumpy. He’s one of the first characters you meet on the game board... and one of the worst cards to see when you’re close to winning the game. You could be three damn squares from the finish line and pull the Plumpy card and back to the beginning of the board you go. Plumpy is a really great reminder that even when we have no choice but to lose ground, we can gain that ground back again. And hey, once you pull the Plumpy card from the deck, you likely won’t see him again for a good long while. 

In October, I was able to safely navigate getting my second Harry Potter tattoo. Neville has always been one of my favorite fantasy characters and I chose to carry him with me permanently. His courage, despite so, so much bullshit, inspires me every day. I also got a nautical tattoo for my mom’s ancestors who came to this country and fought in the Revolutionary War. Just as my family has a long and proud history of fighting for what matters, I too will carry that banner, even if it looks very, very different in the modern age. My third tattoo of the appointment is a cuckoo holding playing cards, a nod to one of most important stories I’ve read: Ken Kesey’s “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” This book has informed not just my personal journey with mental illness but my passion to work in the field as well. My final tattoo of my October appointment, less than a week before the 2020 election, is a weeping Lady Justice. 

----

This year has made me look critically at things I very comfortably ignored for a long time. I would hope that it has done the same for most of you. Very little if any of this year was easy for me... but the most important lessons are never easy to learn. I’ve spent this year more worried and more angry than I’ve ever been before... and all I hope to do moving forward is use that fear and that anger to make this country, this world, a better place. Miss me with your resolutions this year. Every single day we should prioritize surviving and treating others with understanding and active love. I worked hard to do that this year and I will continue to work hard to do that every day. I’m proud of the work I’ve done. And in case it wasn’t clear, I’ll be dragging as many of you as I can on this journey with me. If you really feel the need to make a resolution this year, resolve to learn. Resolve to understand. Resolve to read The New Jim Crow and then TAKE ACTION. Take action with your votes and your voices and your money. Resolve to act.

----

This year wouldn’t let me escape it without being put on blood pressure medication, despite my best efforts to lower my blood pressure without it. Although I had gotten back down into a healthy range for a few weeks, RBG’s death and the landslide of utter shit that followed that completely wrecked all the progress I had made. I’m not happy about adding a new medicine to my regimen. I’m not happy about adding a new chronic diagnosis to my already lengthy laundry list. I did not expect 30 to look like allergy pills and three daily moisturizers and foot stretches and Metamucil and acid reducers and migraine medication and iron supplements and six prunes a day and chronic pain and blood pressure medication... but here we are. I’m exhausted from working so hard to be healthy just to have all that work not be enough. I feel very much like my body is giving up on me... and that is a feeling I am struggling with a lot right now. My soul is a vibrant but powerless passenger in a car speeding towards the edge of a cliff.

I’ll keep trying though. I start my new medication tonight. Hopefully it helps. Hopefully the side effects are manageable. I don’t really feel like I can handle much more... but I guess we keep going until we can’t.   

----

I have no expectations for 2021 to be better. I don’t have much hope for it to be better either. This vaccine will saves lives and that’s really good news. But a lot of other things will be difficult, will stay difficult, will become difficult. I’m going to try to keep fighting, and I hope you do too. 

“What’s comin’ will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.” 

[dizexplainstheuniverse]

The daddy, the issue and what’s so great about walking into the fire.

The daddy

When I was 10 years old, my father broke my heart.

As I watched him marry his third wife, I burst into tears as he declared his love for her in front of our entire family and friends. It was as if my heart fell from my chest into my stomach and Lucifer’s hand reached down my throat, wrenched it out and threw it down onto the floor in front of me – “You won’t be needing that”, he said.

“You may now kiss the bride”, I stared across the room at them, broken and confused, as my heart lay limply pulsating at my feet.

I remember my older sister laughing at me and asking me why I was crying. I couldn’t tell her it was because the man I loved so deeply, the man I so desperately craved the love and affection of, the man who abandoned me when I was 6 years old, the man who – as it turned out – didn’t hug me until I was 16 years old and to this day I can still count on one hand how many times I’ve felt his awkward embrace, the man who was so far from the definition of a father you’d assume we weren’t related had just married a stranger.

I told her I was crying with happiness.

The issue

The joys of being self-aware and invested in the business of self-development often means that I can spot the reg flags in a potential relationship pretty early on. I can smell the avoidants and dismissive from a mile off and yet their alluring scent draws me in closer to the fire. I gaze longingly into it, knowing if I get any closer I will definitely get burnt – I’ve got a million burns to prove it. It never gets any less painful, and yet, like a moth to a flame, I flutter on into the blaze.

Ouch, that hurt. I knew it, why did I do it AGAIN?

I know exactly why I do it. I do it because I’m idealistic, romantic and my inner child desperately craves validation and approval from a particular type of person because of the deep wounds my abusive father left with me with. (It’s unfortunately an all too familiar storyline for many of us.)

I’m always looking for a do-over. Always chasing the kind of love only a father has for his daughter. The “I’d die for you” kind of love. Even when I think I’ve found it, it’s never quite enough. So I keep on searching, I keep on pining after the men who don’t seem to give me enough attention. I keep on craving their approval, needing so furiously to be desired, to be everything they’ve ever needed and more. I need it to feel powerful, I need it to feel safe, I need it to feel loved.

Even if I do succeed in capturing their attention, it still feels like something is missing. I become restless, there must be something wrong… and so the craving sets in once again.

I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to heal through practicing self-love, doing the work, nurturing to my inner child work, facing my shadows and releasing my embodied trauma. This shit takes time and whilst we’re healing, inevitably we sometimes end up repeating some of the same mistakes, more than twice. We try not to judge and punish ourselves, we show ourselves compassion, we forgive ourselves and we continue to grieve the loss of the love we didn’t get from our parents. It’s exhausting.

There’s an interesting moment in time in the healing process when our unhealthy habits and coping strategies no longer work for us – they seem entirely pointless. But equally, our new coping strategies are really fucking tough because they’re these new, weird, inconvenient tools that we don’t really know how to use yet and we aren’t quite seeing the pay-off from the expensive investment that we’ve made in ourselves. We’re stuck in limbo. We’re in an incredibly transformational period; so close, and yet so far. We see clearly the patterns of behaviour which are no longer serving is. We see very clearly the habits that are preventing us from growth. But, we just can’t seem to shake them.

For me, this is particularly true when interacting the ‘popular’ types. You know the ones, the shiny, extroverted, sun-shines-out-of-their-arse types. Someone I’d perceive to be more attractive than me and more successful. These aspects are quite specific to the areas in my own life where I believe I’m a failure – likely because these were the areas that I felt if only I was better or special in some way and then maybe, just maybe, my father would finally acknowledge me and show me he loved me. This all very much drives my perfectionism and my insanely critical inner voice.

So, these types really stab me in the ‘daddy’ shaped hole in my heart.

Thankfully, after a little chat with my inner child I can usually spot the signs that I’ve been triggered. If they aren’t responding well to my yearning, the rational thing to do would be to turn the ship around and save myself the aggro of falling for yet another avoidant dismissive and having my heart wrenched out of stomach after feeling rejected or abandoned. These types make it very difficult for me to remember my worth, to keep myself grounded, to remind myself I am enough, I am safe and I am lovable. However…

I just can’t help myself. It’s honestly an addiction.

And what’s so great about walking into the fire

This was a question that up until very recently, I had never considered. I’d always assumed the reason I did it was because I didn’t respect myself enough – I think probably to begin with that was true. I’ve often wondered if it’s because I don’t love myself enough, or maybe I do this because feeling unsafe is all I’ve ever known. But that’s not true, I have had very healthy, very loving and very successful relationships and I really do care for myself now. I stopped judging myself, I forgave myself, I learnt to love and accept myself. I let go of the layers of shame and guilt that smothered my ability to fully express myself. I even learnt how to have boundaries. And yet, those flames still really, reallyyyyy titillate me...

But whyyyy?

I decided to sit down and I write out a list of things that draw me towards the fire:

First of all, I live in an absolute idealistic and romantic fantasy (most of us do!). Thanks to innumerable trashy rom-coms, I have ridiculous expectations of what love is supposed to look like and the things people will do to win the affection of their beloved. Maybe this time it’ll all work out? The shy wallflower will finally be acknowledged by the tough jock when he realises how wonderful she is and they’ll live happily ever after?

Never.

Secondly, it’s exciting. There’s risk involved in potentially (inevitably) getting burnt. It’s much like any other risky addictive habit; gabbling, drugs, sex with your best friends ex when he explicitly told you not to. Maybe the rush of it will be worth it this time? It definitely won’t be. The low, the regret, the guilt and the self-loathing is ALWAYS horrendous. On the other hand, maybe you already feel pretty shitty so, what have you got to lose? Might as well, ey?

Nope.

And finally, I honestly find everyday life seriously mundane. I constantly crave intensity and losing myself. Routine is boring, change is exciting. The fire offers me the perfect distraction from the monotony of the day-to-day snooze fest. I used to believe I was trying to escape something, trying to run away from my problems by filling my time with a chaotic love life just so I had something to talk about other than the files that Susan lost when the auditors came to… GAH! To begin with, this was true. But I’ve done a fuck tonne of work on myself since then, I no longer find solace in my old coping strategies because they simply do not work. I gave them up, I started actually taking care of myself and tending to my needs and wounds instead. So what was it?

I then realised something very important. Wanting excitement, thrill, ecstatic joy, bliss, celebration, partying, romance, love, sex, creativity, playfulness and adventure is in no way a bad thing. It is in no way a sign of weakness or an indication that I’m trying to escape something. It tells me I am human, that I’m alive, that I’m a social being. It tells me I want more than this average life we get sold by the system, that I won’t settle for this bullshit, that I deserve more, I am worthy and – I am the fire.

I already embody all of the things I so desperately crave. I am everything that I need. I have everything that I desire. I’m drawn to the fire because it’s calling me to be seen. My attachments and wounds have left me feeling dismissed, unacknowledged, invalidated and deleted… But I AM the fire. We all are. Whether or not another human experiences you in this way is irrelevant. We do not need anyone else to approve our existence and worth. Even if it is never seen or shared with anyone, the fact still remains true that you are indeed already burning effervescently.

No permission.

No recognition.

No validation.

No attention.

No acknowledgement.

And you will still remain the brightest light in the universe.

Instagram: @dizexplainstheuniverse | Facebook: /dizexplainstheuniverse

[conversationswithcole]

Quarantine Blues

It is 3:45 p.m. on Tuesday here in New York and I am outside for the first time since yesterday afternoon. The birds are chirping, the sun is strong and I’ve been in my bed all day, which is in the basement so when the blinds are closed I refer to it as the dungeon. I wouldn’t even be outside right now if my Dad didn’t scream my name one hundred times to get up and get some fresh air. He was so sick of me ignoring him that he referred to me as Nicole and he NEVER calls me that. I don’t even think I can recall one time in my entire life that he has called me anything but Nic or Nikki. I was so sick of hearing him yell at me from the living room I came outside just to shut him up. But now that I have been out of my bed and in the sun for a half n hour I want to thank him; I needed that push.

The weather that we have had this Spring is bizarre. Two weeks ago it was 75 and sunny, not a cloud in the sky, with a UV index of 8 and half the population of Long Island looked like bright cherry tomatoes for the next week. The following Saturday it felt like we traveled back in time to mid January and it was SNOWING because temperatures dropped into the thirties. It’s certainly not helping to soften the effects of the quarantine blues.

This quarantine sucks. There is no sugar coating it, at least not for me. Yes of course there have been some small positives and moments of joy that have come out of this but overall it just plain sucks. It has been hard not to feel guilty about complaining when things could be worse, but honestly I hate that saying, because yeah sure things could always be worse but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel negatively about what is going on. I saw a post that read, “We are not all in the same boat, but we are all in the same storm”. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Whoever came up with this analogy hit the nail on the freakin’ head. In my opinion it is the best way to describe what this global pandemic feels like. 

Grief is hard enough to navigate, especially in the first year after losing your loved one. Trying to adjust my life to it’s new normal without my little brother while also adjusting to the new normal of a world in quarantine is like having a knife in a gun fight.

Exactly a year ago this month I had developed such irrational anxiety after so many years of build up that I felt like I was losing my mind. I had spiraled into this dark place and it was extremely terrifying. I had been going to therapy for a few months at this point but was still feeling like I had to do more. At first, I was highly against taking any sort of medication to help deal with my anxiety and high functioning depression but things had gotten to a point where I felt like I did not have a choice. I know I am one of the few lucky people who find the right therapist and the right medication on their first try, but that doesn’t mean it was easy.

I began going to therapy mainly to help me to deal with the trauma of my home life. Living with an addict had a tremendous effect on my mental health which directly affected other parts of my life outside my home. Addiction is not only an addicts disease, it is a family disease. 

Since my brother’s passing there have been thousands of different thoughts flowing through my mind. Some days in quarantine, when I am feeling extra lonely, and both of my parents are at work, I wish he was here with me. I wish we were quarantined together so that we could spend time doing things like playing Guitar Hero or listening to music while burning incense. But then I think to myself, is that really what it would be like? Or is this just a fantasy of what you would want it to be like if you could choose it? The reality of the matter is, that’s not how it would be. Growing up my brother and I were best friends. Only a few years apart in age, I had friends whose siblings were my brothers friends and when we came home every day all we had was each other. My older siblings have about a ten year age gap between us and they spent the majority of their childhood going back and forth between our house and their mother’s home. We were close even after I went away to college and the distance between us slowly came about the deeper he fell into his addiction. By the time he had passed our relationship was in turmoil. I had reached the point of resentment and full on rage. After five years of standing by his side and trying my absolute best to help him and everything my parents and I had done for him I couldn’t fathom the fact that he still was choosing to do this to us. 

Realistically if things were exactly the same as they had been right before my brother passed and we were sentenced to this at home lock down, it would’ve been a fucking nightmare. Imagine being stuck inside your home with a heroin addict in the midst of one of his worst drug binges thus far? I’m hoping that you can’t imagine this but if you can, or are currently going through it, I am praying for you. It would’ve been torture for everyone, including my brother. 

I function my best with a consistent and healthy routine. I like to have a set work schedule that does not change at the last minute. I like to plan out my days at the beginning of the week so I can be the most efficient. Right before this quarantine I was in such a healthy place. As healthy as you can be while grieving, but nonetheless I felt good. I had my routine down pact. I was training for my first ever half marathon, things were going really well with work and babysitting, I had my schedule set and I planned out my training and my free time around that. I was making great money and finally putting a real dent into my credit card debt. I was excited for all of the things that were planned for the near future. Between losing all of this overnight AND the loss of my brother just six months prior, I was crushed.

Before I started writing last month I had been speaking my thoughts and feelings via my Snap Chat story, which gave people an opportunity to respond directly to my videos. I received a ton of messages from people that felt similar to how I had been feeling since this pandemic flipped the world upside down. They shared what works for them and I appreciated that they took the time to reach out. This is the beauty of conversation. 

Connecting with others makes it that much easier to take a deep breath and realize that you are allowed to feel this way and more importantly that you are not alone. Life is literally like a roller coaster, it’s full of ups and downs and twists and turns and sometimes it happens so fast you don’t even realize it’s happening. 

Today was most definitely a down day. I did not want to get out of bed for anyone or anything and I took a two hour nap before noon even hit. This is an overwhelming and confusing time for the entire world, and we all need to be there for each other because everyone is going through this storm just on their own boat. 

We should all work on being a little kinder to ourselves and to remember that it is totally okay to not feel totally okay. 

As for me, I’ll be taking my ass back to my bed in the dungeon for the rest of the day because I’m not okay today and that is okay.

[kateis-cakeis]

Why Let Depression Win? Pt. 1

@avengersbarnes and I talked through how Steve was traumatised in Endgame, which in turn caused him to make the decision to stay in the past. He’s very, very ill.

In the first part of this series (mainly written by @avengersbarnes, her summary here is amazing) we’re going to address how Steve could have gone from the dusting and losing friends, to grieving Peggy in Endgame.

Meta under the cut.

It all starts with Steve waking up in the future. He lost his whole world, for the first time. All he had left was Peggy, old now with Alzheimer’s.

After 2012 but before 2014, we can most likely assume he visited her a lot. (The conversation seems familiar in catws, like she knows he’s been back for a while).

Then Bucky was back. He damn near killed Steve but broke through his programming despite it. Only to leave Steve when they both needed each other. So, of course, Steve spent two years looking for Bucky with Sam (maybe Nat too?). We know he experienced survivor’s guilt after Bucky had ‘died’ in catfa, so when chasing cold leads, Steve would have been experiencing that same guilt.

He wanted to find his friend, but he never let that feeling of knowing he could have done more go. (Which is why Steve reacts to Rumlow goading him in cacw, because he feels responsible for Bucky and all he wants is to find him again. For Bucky to know him).

Then, in the middle of the chaos of the Accords, Peggy dies. We already know Steve was struggling with his moral compass in catws. He didn’t really know what was right anymore, and it’s not something we ever see him solve. So, in cacw, it was challenged again with the Accords. But he knows the Accords are wrong, because he’s already been in situations where the wrong orders almost got people killed.

So, at the same time, he loses Peggy (and is therefore grieving), becomes a criminal for rescuing Bucky, and half the Avengers (his new family) are suddenly against him. His life is falling apart (again) and he can do nothing to stop it. He can only follow what he believes is the right thing.

Which then leads to Steve and Sharon. So, a way to rationalise that kiss is, Steve’s link to the past was broken when Peggy died, and he finds out Sharon is related. Link restored! He kisses her… But it goes no further. (Maybe because it was weird, or maybe because Bucky became the link he needed, who knows?).

But then… The fight with Tony happens. The Avengers are officially broken up, he almost kills Tony, and he leaves his life behind with Bucky. They go to Wakanda because T’Challa offered a fix, and Bucky grabbed it with both hands, essentially leaving Steve again when he goes back into cryo. Making it the fourth time Steve lost Bucky, and breaking Steve’s link to the past until Bucky comes back out.

We don’t know for sure when that was. But considering how familiar Steve is with Wakanda, and how friendly Steve and Bucky are with the hug, I think we can assume Steve has been visiting Bucky for a while.

They’re both happy to see each other. (Arguably the second happiest they’ve been in the mcu). Steve has his link to the past he craves and needs.

But then… They lose. He watches Bucky dust right in front of him, with Steve’s name the last thing he says. Steve’s so shocked and frantic, he presses his hand into Bucky’s dust. And later, by Vision’s body and Wanda’s dust, he collapses down for the first time, instead of standing up.

He loses Bucky for the fifth time. And survivor’s guilt? Well, that’s gonna be back in full force. He’s already been through it before, and we never see him recover or get help for it.

Sam is gone too. Wanda and T’Challa. Shuri.

All of that builds up. All of that stings. It’s grief beyond any one of us will ever know, because it’s everyone. Because the world changes instantly. For the second time, Steve loses the world he knew, and he’s only thirty-two. 32! That’s so young!

Tony blames him (that raw line: Liar!) because they could have had armour around the world! But they didn’t. And that’s yet another reason for Steve to blame himself, to feel guilty.

So, he shaves off his beard and with the rest of the survivors, they go out to stop Thanos. And Steve looks at the compass… It’s the last part of his past, the last link. A young Peggy stares back at him, not the old woman who gave him advice to start anew. It brings hope, it starts a fantasy he can’t stop, because there’s no one to watch over him.

Because as soon as Thor chops Thanos’s head off, that’s it.

They go back to Earth and what is there?

Tony leaves. Thor becomes a recluse and so incredibly mentally ill. Clint goes rogue and murders people. Bruce focuses on joining with Hulk, so he’s out of the picture too. Even Nat is affected, and Steve’s never seen that. He’s got his issues too, but he sucks them up and gets on with it because that’s what he’s always done. Everyone is hurting, so Steve has to be okay.

He’s alone with his issues. Because everyone else isolates themselves.

He runs with the fantasy of Peggy, placing her on a pedestal the more he thinks about it. Because she is the past he suddenly craves. Because she’s suddenly the ‘love of his life’, the more he thinks about her.

He wants a life he already moved on from because it’s so much better than the hell of a world without half its people. The dystopia. It’s better than acknowledging the fact Bucky, Sam, T’Challa, Wanda and Shuri are gone.

Five years later, he’s running a support group. Because he has to help, because maybe… it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s what Sam would have done. Because it’s healthy. (It’s not when you yourself can’t move on, Steven).

He stays away from the compound as much as possible because he can't take being somewhere that he used to call home, where so many people used to be. He can't handle the ghosts haunting every part of his life.

So, of course he pretends like he’s grieving Peggy, because it’s easy to. Because it was the last death before half of everyone dusted....

‘You got to move on. Got to move on.’

Well, you can’t move on if you’re fantasising about a simpler time (the 1940s) when half the world wasn’t dead. And you especially can’t move on when you’re ignoring the ‘deaths’ of all your friends.

And then there’s a chance to take it all back.

But Nat dies because whatever it takes. And Tony dies, after saving everyone, because… whatever it takes. Steve watches him die, which is worse than being told a friend will never come back. He has watched so many people die in his time.

So what does he do? When the losses are too high? When Sam and Bucky being back doesn’t match up to the fantasy he built around Peggy, putting her on a pedestal that makes it seem like a life with her is perfect?

What does he do when he has a chance to go back?

Tony’s funeral shows him the life he left behind. Tony’s real legacy. Steve’s gonna feel jealous, after five years of that fantasy world with Peggy. That perfect life he’s built in his mind.

So, he barely looks at Bucky because if he gets too close, he’ll just disappear, he’ll just lose him again. He can’t stay, and it hurts, but it’s okay because he has a second chance.

Because when he returns the stones, he can find Peggy and live his life. He’s latched onto her as a symbol of a less traumatic time. Of course his only option is to go back. He has to. It’s gonna fix him.

But it’s not healthy.

He’s delusional over something that didn’t exist anymore. Something he had already got past, had already grieved. But that compass was ultimately his downfall. Because young Peggy made him regress so far into the past, he didn’t even grieve his lost friends. The ones who turned to dust, not even a body to bury.

And when they’re back? He’s so ill and so much not himself, that he doesn’t let them get close and he leaves before they can question him.

This is the only way Steve grieving Peggy in Endgame makes sense. Because he’s not himself, he’s so ill and has been for more than a decade. But his problems have always mattered less compared to everyone else. So, he lets it fester.

It shows how he can be in character too, because of trauma and his depression. His ending is not a happy one.

In part 2 of this meta, I will talk over how Steve’s mental health has changed over the movies, what might be wrong with him in Endgame, and why his ending is incredibly unhealthy.

Part 2

[sarcasticgaypotato]

Ok so I’m just gonna like. spit out some vague Thalamis timeline stuff to make posting fics a little less confusing. @bondibee, feel free to correct me if I get something wrong, we’ve made so many changes that I forget what we’re keeping in the main storyline or not. (timeline ranting under the cut)

Teramis and Thala meet by chance and hook up for a couple nights. Teramis is a wanderer looking for undead to take down, and currently doesn’t have a lead. Therefor, she agrees to travel with Thala and her party to help deal with some undead that they’re aware of. By the time they wrap that up, Teramis has started to catch some feelings for this green bean, and sheepishly decides to stick around at a distance. Their relationship is sexual but nonromantic for about a year- in which Teramis is crushing HARD- before Teramis confesses and miraculously gets the, somewhat emotionally closed off, Thala to start a more personal relationship. They date for a couple years before Thala goes back to the kingdom she was born in to. kill her mother and take back the throne.  If you want more on that, talk to Bond.  Teramis comes with because she’s. absolutely smitten at this point, and is delighted at the chance to devote herself to somebody.

Teramis acts as a sort of bodyguard to Thala in her new position as queen- cough cough or tyrant you decide- while they’re dating for a few more years before asking to marry her.  For an immortal elf this is moving pretty quickly so Thala is taken aback, but eventually says yes.  The reception to Teramis from a kingdom of immortal elves is. maybe less than positive? But the general consensus is that well she’s going to die soon so. you know. might as well deal with it. It’s not like she’s going to have any sort of. lasting impact on the throne or anything.

Enter child #1.  Yeah so that was a whoopsie but Teramis would call it a happy accident. Thala was not quite as thrilled, but she did agree to go through with it. Teramis, despite being thrilled at the prospect of being a parent, almost ran away from it before her kid was born. Paranoid that she’d lose another family, she made an attempt to bolt. Thala stopped her before she successfully left, and Teramis bit back her fear to try and take a chance at starting anew.  Their first child was a daughter, whom Thala named ‘Tara’ in reference to her father, ‘Tarathier.’

Being a half-elf with a longer lifespan than a human but still unfortunately mortal, Tara was never going to see the throne despite being the firstborn. She’s fine with this and always has been.  She’s close with both her parents but more so with Teramis. As a young child she occasionally felt that Thala was too distant or distracted by other things to love her as much as she should’ve as a mother.  This seemed to dissipate as she got older, but with her maturing also came butting heads with Thala more and more.  They have several things they’re very close with, but their arguments can get explosive if not kept in line. Wait about 4 years and then whoops here’s accident #2. Listen, birth control isn’t great in a fantasy world. Haven’t figured out condoms yet.  The circumstances of how it happened this time are actually. a little more emotionally complicated than the first time around but that’s detailed in a fic so I’ll save those details for later.

The second child was a mess from the very beginning. He was born 2 months prematurely and had health issues from day 1, struggling to stay alive.  Teramis named him ‘Calyn.’ (Which, unlike Tara, is more of an ‘out of universe’ reference. Like Teramis’s name, Calyn’s is an anagram. I thought it was a fun little theme.)

Both being the second born and a half elf, Calyn will definitely never see leadership. This bothers him greatly. From very early on in his life, he was attached to Thala at the hip. Unlike her slightly rocky relationship with her daughter, Thala got quickly attached and protective of her son, who stayed small and weak throughout most of his early years. She definitely spoiled him, and he looked up to her like nobody’s business. He wanted to be just like her, to follow in her footsteps and one day rule. Because of this and his fear of death/not being able to fulfill what he believes is his purpose, he resents his mortality. It’s because of this that his relationship with Teramis isn’t the best. At a young age he just preferred Thala but didn’t dislike Teramis, but as he got older he came to hold a bit of a grudge towards her for “”tainting”” him with her human blood. Teramis constantly tries to reach out and have a closer relationship with her son, but he often shrugs it off.

(Their relationship either gets better or worse depending on the off-shoot branching story that we follow. Anywhere from making amends and getting along to Calyn killing her. Choose your own adventure!) From there, life goes on. Tara is trained in the ways of being a queen- just on the very unlikely chance that Thala dies in a freak accident- and as she gets older, is given some minor leadership duties alongside Thala to have something to do. Calyn studies magic- still looking to be like Thala and impress her- while also attempting to help wherever he can, following her like a shadow.

Teramis ages. (This has fluctuated in its canon-ness but there is several versions in which Teramis’s life is. mildly extended and her aging slowed by way of. ahem. an elven process that I’m not allowed to speak about) She lives a long healthy life for a human- maintaining her physique for awhile and really only slowing down towards the very end of her life- but she is mortal.  Thala is prepared for her death, having lived around humans before, and ensures that Teramis meets a peaceful end, resting her head on her wife’s lap while sitting on a grassy hill, watching the clouds drift by. From here, just what happens is kinda wobbly, so things get a bit vague. Thala moves on romantically relatively quickly- grieving for Teramis but more internally than externally- and it drives more of a wedge between her and Tara, who is still deeply hurt by the loss of Teramis and sees Thala’s quickly chosen new partner as disregarding or disrespecting her relationship with Teramis.  Calyn is not as shaken by Teramis’s death, and remains supportive of Thala throughout.  He would dare not say it, but he isn’t overly pleased with Thala starting over either, as he worries it means that she’ll push him aside. Of the two children, Calyn dies first.  While his health improved as an adult, he was never a hearty individual, and as he got older, he got sick and his body failed. While he didn’t die young, his lifespan was definitely on the shorter side for a half elf. He died slowly and painfully, and the experience of it- combined with his life being cut short- shook Thala pretty bad. Tara softened her opinion towards her mother after this and attempted to mend things and be there for her, but Thala’s grief over losing her beloved son- her ‘little lamb’ as Calyn was nicknamed by her from a very young age- left her a bit more distant from Tara.  A theme that was unfortunately fitting and consistent with how things had been from the very start. Tara died rather suddenly in her sleep, and Thala was not made aware of it until hours afterwards when she was found cold in her bed. How long does Thala live after that? Who knows! Possibly centuries, or maybe she slips on a step going up the stairs and breaks her neck two weeks afterwards.  I don’t have a good answer.

[thezodiaczone]

July Forecast for Pisces

The excitement is building to a fever pitch, Pisces! The first three weeks of July are loaded with passion, playfulness and adventure—along with a few unexpected plot twists to heighten the dramatic tension. For starters, the Sun is in fellow water sign Cancer until July 22, igniting your lusty and creative fifth house. You’re feeling bold and frisky, in the mood to dress up, hit the town and stir up some good-natured trouble. A summer fling could spark up for single Pisces, and even spoken-for Fish will enjoy some extra attention as the smoldering Sun gives you head-turner status.

Changes in your love life could be afoot mid-month because on July 12, a partial solar (new moon) eclipse will land in Cancer, sparking a confident new chapter in your fifth house of lust, passion and self-expression. Eclipses sweep in four to six times a year and turn “normal” upside-down, removing anything that’s past its expiration date and flinging open the doors for a fresh start. July will bring two of this summer’s three scene-shifting eclipses, so fasten your seat belt!

With this eclipse setting off fireworks, single Pisces could feel sudden and unexpected chemistry with someone, and there’s a good chance they’ll be wildly different from your usual type. The fifth house also rules fertility, and this eclipse could herald a surprise pregnancy or news of one in your circle. Artists and creatives could have a spotlight moment, attracting fame or booking a gig that will put your name on the map. If there was ever a day to say “yes” to a blind date or to show your work in public, this is it. Take a bold and proactive step at this eclipse. With the glamorous fifth house illuminated, you could make a radical change to your wardrobe, hair color or look.

This is the inaugural eclipse in a series that will fall on the Cancer/Capricorn axis between now and July 2020, initiating a wave of changes around love, friendship, collaborations and creativity. You’ll learn important lessons regarding drama versus detachment: when to jump into the fray and when to stay out of it. There will be moments when it’s your turn to be the unapologetic solo star and others when teamwork will make the dream work.

This is the only eclipse from this group in 2018, and it’s a sneak preview of changes that will really take flight in 2019. Still, it will be an intense start! At this Cancer eclipse, YOU get to be the lead singer—but watch out for jealous bandmates, Pisces. This same day brings the annual opposition between the ego-driven Sun and calculating Pluto in your group-activity zone. A friend could be astonishingly unsupportive of your exciting news or big plans. Don’t let this take the wind out of your sails, Pisces. You don’t need anyone like that in your life. In fact, this eclipse could be your first clue of the shifts coming to Team Pisces.

Keep the energy upbeat and positive and surround yourself with people who support your ascent. The stars certainly do: On July 10, expansive Jupiter will end a four-month retrograde in Scorpio and your ninth house of adventure, growth and new horizons. Jupiter only comes to this abundant part of your chart every 12 years; it’s here from October 10, 2017, until November 8, 2018. Jupiter’s direct moves will speed up matters involving travel, study, entrepreneurship or any big leap of faith. Let the visionary ideas have some breathing room: In November, Jupiter will start a year-long visit to your tenth house of career and ambition, marking a period of extreme professional growth and luck. Don’t box yourself into anything before you’re ready. Let yourself explore and experiment—those adventures could lead you to your highest calling soon enough.

The frantic pace starts to level off a bit on July 22, when the Sun moves into Leo and your sixth house of health, fitness and organization. After a decadent Cancer season, you’re ready for a little bit of a cleanup job. But don’t rush to sign that two-year gym contract or join the sunrise hot yoga challenge just yet. Mercury—the planet of communication, technology and interpersonal affairs—will be retrograde in Leo from July 26 to August 19, which could disrupt your attempts at maintaining order. Back up electronic data and cut down on multitasking because this signal-scrambling retrograde can wreak havoc on your workflow. Watch your stress levels and boost your immune system, as you could be prone to catching a summer cold or virus during this powered-down time. Wash your hands often and avoid any coughers or sneezers!

Is it time to let something go, Pisces? On June 27, a total lunar (full moon) eclipse sweeps into Aquarius and your twelfth house of closure, healing and surrender. Resistance is futile because full moons AND the twelfth house signify transitions. Powered by a super-charged eclipse, anything that’s past its expiration date will be “eclipsed” away. There’s no use clinging to an outmoded situation or relationship or trying to avoid feeling certain emotions. Allow them to pass through you, and you could heal for once and for all.

Passionate Mars will be traveling near this eclipse, which can trigger a deluge of tears or a fantasy-fueled romantic encounter that takes your breath away. With Mars retrograde, an ex could return and sweep you off your feet. Or bottled-up anger and resentment could all come tumbling out (yikes!). With the twelfth house’s emphasis on wellness, you could have an emotional or spiritual breakthrough. Some Pisces might confront an addictive pattern or make a brave decision to finally address a self-sabotaging habit.

This is the final Aquarius eclipse in a series that’s been touching down on the Leo/Aquarius axis since February 2017, impacting your sixth house of health and organization and your twelfth house of healing and closure. If you’ve grappled with any medical or psychological issues, this eclipse can help you get closer to the root cause. Eliminating stress, improving your diet and exploring gut health could all be critical to bringing vitality back. You’ve also been learning to equalize giving and receiving—and how to cut back those codependent ties that Pisces can slip into so easily.

Over the past two years, you’ve recalibrated the balance between logic and intuition, thinking and feeling, traditional versus holistic health practices. Look back to the prior two Aquarius eclipses on August 7, 2017, and February 15, 2018, for clues of what might fully come together now. There will be one last Leo eclipse on January 21, 2019. Between now and then, work to identify any emotional blocks or mind-body-soul connections that could be manifesting as physical symptoms. And whenever possible, get out of your own way, Pisces. Rather than be your own worst enemy, become your own best advocate!

Love & Romance

With action planet Mars retrograde in Aquarius and your introspective twelfth house all month, it’s a perfect time to do any necessary forgiveness work or bring closure to an open wound or unresolved grudge. If you never fully grieved a disappointing loss, it may bubble up now. Since retrogrades can bring back the past, a former flame could resurface, either someone with whom you still have karmic stuff to work out or a “come here now go away” type that never fails to stress you out and confuse you. Watch for obsessing and denial—don’t brush aside red flags that crop up again. Old trust issues, or some hurt around a betrayal you pushed aside, could flare up now. Your resentment could surge up in a passive-aggressive way. Make an effort to be direct with your communication.

Helping you home in on the trouble spots is the other love planet, Venus, which is touring Leo and your fastidious sixth house until July 9. While this can bring out your flaw-finding side, you’re also able to diplomatically problem-solve with a willing partner. But make sure you’re not the one doing all the heavy lifting. Watch the tendency to offer (well-meaning) help to someone only to get WAY too enmeshed in what’s truly not your problem. Be kind to yourself, as Venus here can summon a self-critical streak and body-image issues as summer kicks in. Ramp up the self-care, indulge in gentle movement, healing treatments and healthy food.

Relationships balance out after July 9, when Venus enters Virgo and your partnership zone, restoring the love and helping you get back in sync after a few weeks that may have sent you to the edge. Single Fish should redouble efforts to meet quality people by getting more involved in your own hobbies and special interests. Meeting someone that way practically ensures you’ll something meaningful in common to build on.

Throughout the month, Venus will form flowing trines to innovative Uranus (July 11), structured Saturn (July 14) and transformational Pluto (July 27), all in the interpersonal houses of your chart. These dates could herald deep and transformational conversations or powerful chemistry. Friends and social circles could turn up promising long-term prospects. You could meet someone online or through an introduction. Don’t overlook your inner circle: A casual connection could start to seem like a whole lot more.

Key Dates

July 11: Venus-Uranus Trine Let other people’s opinions and attitudes roll off your back. You could care less what they think! When feistily independent Uranus waves its liberating wand over vixen Venus, you’re only interested in one thing: doing love YOUR way. Single Fish could reel in someone special online or through mutual friends.

Money & Career

Pace yourself, Pisces. Energy planet Mars is retrograde in Aquarius and your sleepy twelfth house all month, which could find you on the verge of burnout. You may be putting in long hours to finish up a project but pay attention to how hard you’re pushing yourself. The twelfth house rules deception and hidden agendas. Are you sensing an office rivalry or starting to see someone’s true (and unflattering) colors? Be careful how much you reveal and whom you trust. While it’s tempting to spill your guts over lunch to a coworker, keep personal information under wraps for now.

The July 27 Aquarius lunar eclipse could bring a transition or possibly the end of one career chapter that propels you onto a new path that’s more creatively and spiritually fulfilling. You’ll also see who truly has your back, and you might cut ties with a person who doesn’t.

Busy yourself with admin tasks, decluttering and handling unfinished projects, especially when the Sun moves into Leo and your efficient and systematic sixth house. But take note that Mercury, ruler of technology and communication, will be retrograde from July 26 to August 19 here. You could have mishaps with employees and service providers since the sixth house rules helpful people. This is an important time to get everyone on Team Pisces clear and aligned. Perhaps there’s additional training that you or your support crew need. Look into short classes or certifications or identify any “weak spots” that need to be strengthened. Retrogrades turn our attention to the past. Clean out your inbox, reconnect with old colleagues, edit and revise your plans. The eco-friendly vibes of the sixth house make this a great time to “green” your workspace and home (some great ideas here) and create an all-around more sustainable lifestyle.

Key Dates

July 5: Mercury-Mars Opposition Stay mindful of what you share in public today. Your thinking may be colored by your emotions, and hence muddled, and you could make a knee-jerk reaction when a calculated judgment is called for. Hold off on big decisions: You’re likely to regret them.

Love Days: 12, 16 Money Days: 23, 6 Luck Days: 19, 30 Off Days: 14, 18

[concerningwolves]

Writing Characters Through Grief

I’m currently writing several of my characters through their own grieving processes- some of whom, due to the nature of their community, have never experienced loss before. Despite having lost close people myself, it surprised me how hard it is to do. The mistake, I realized, was that I was following the five stages of grief for each of them, and what an easy mistake it is to make. Here is what I’ve learned from this:

Firstly, two important things to remember:

There is no such thing as grief being “done right”

Everyone is different: different psychological makeup, different nature, different nurture, different levels of emotional development, different states of mental health. Some know grief, some don’t; some, despite knowing grief well, are beaten down by it every time. Pain is relative, and this means that there is no way to write grief that is strictly correct. The point of this post is to show you how different people react in different ways, and give you pointers on how you might write that, depending on your character. At the end of the day, you know your characters- who they are and where they came from- and so you can take away the skills from this to apply to them.

Grief is not linear, compact, or constrained by time

Someone might not start the grieving process right away, or rocket through the “steps” that we consider today.  The five stages of grief we know and use as a model were intially constructed for application to patients who recieved news of terminal cancer; it was then applied to the relatives who recieved news of the death, and finally on to grief in the way we use it today. Although a good place to start, it’s too general and too structured; too focused on five ideals that actually change, depending on the person, or in this case, the character. Grief can lie dormant, for ages, and jump out five years later; your character could have lost their dad two years prior to the plot, and only start to experience the grieving process due to a move of house or some other life change.

Secondly, dismantle their characterization

This is mainly instinctive, especially when you go through revisions and redrafts, and by that point your character is like a close co-worker or business friend, just with a more intimate twist. Personality, however, is important- but not always the most accurate measure of reaction.

Grief is a game-changer

A fierce, proud character could be brought low by the grieving process, or they could rely of bad coping methods. A little denial is healthy, but this character, who has always taken everything in their stride, might suddenly be unable to cope and so burrow inside themself entirely.

In the same way, a character with poor mental healthy might not necessarily break. That is an assumption I come across a lot, and as someone who has had shitty mental health for years, it’s so wrong. Yes, I have anxiety, depression, disorganized thoughts, intrusive thoughts, I dissociate- but did that mean I broke down over a family friend dying earlier this year? No. I coped with it becuase the grieving process is seperate from mental health, and mental health is seperate from personality.

Grief can strengthen the weak, or break the weak. Weaken the strong, and in weakening, teach valuable lessons. Proud characters may not ask for help and so struggle, but they might also realize they have to swallow their pride and get help to process their loss.

Look at the core, fundemetnal characteristics that define how your character acts and consider whether grief will exacerbate these fundementals, or alter them. However, remember that your character’s personality is only the surface consideration.

Finally, Consider the aspects around your character, not just of

This means more than looking at their personality. You also need to consider:

Culture and Religiosity

What are the cultural or religious views around death? Does your character believe them? Is death considered the end, or does reincarnation- or belief in something similar- help bring comfort? Is grief considered a weakness, or death a curse that sticks to everyone affected? Are there sacrificial rites? What rights are afforded to a dead person, if any at all? Life expectancy, mortality rates? Young or ageing population?

Community and attitudes

Is it supportive? Do they all band together around the grieving person? Is the loss shared? Or do they shun people who are struggling with grief? How experienced is this community with loss and greif? Is the community close-knit, or made up of insular families/people? How common is death? (old Cults, new cults, small islands, travelling communities, new communities- they will all have different experiences and attitudes, whether your story is set in a fantasy world, ours, or anything else).

Character roots

Early experience with grief? If yes, has this given them resilience, or was it too much? Supported childhood, or neglected? Good social upbringing? If not, this might make it harder for them to find help or understand that they need support. Stable childhood, or unstable? Accostomed to hardship, or not?

Who was the lost one to your character?

In the grand scheme of things, you’ll be surprised how little this impacts in some ways, and how massively it impacts in others. Your character might mourn a beloved teacher deeply and manage the death of an uncle.

Were they close? Distant family? How much regret is attatched to their death? How often did they see eachother? What part did the lost one take in the character’s formative years? How did they influence your character’s life choices? How long have they known one another? How close did they become in that time? How old was the person? How does your character feel about dying young- unfair, tragic but inevitable?

[tabernacleheart]

[No matter how long we have been] a follower of Jesus, [we may tragically find that] on days of never-ending pain, [we] somehow forget to cling to [our] Savior. Instead, [we] cling to [our] 'former glory' [idealized in some] fantasy version of oneself: The [Me] Without Pain. The [Me] from Before [That Happened.] For anyone walking through seasons of difficulty, particularly when that difficulty seems like it will never end, an inevitable part of the process is wondering about the what-ifs or the if-onlys. [We] reflect on [our] life before [our] specific grief or loss, [and mournfully miss parts] of [ourselves] that are no longer true. [But this is a key part of lamentation. Any genuine] healing process always involves a proactive journey of grief. The hurt little [child] inside of each [adult soul]—their needs, their pain, the sadness in their heart— deserves to be voiced, honored, and lamented. A process of intentional grief helps us escape the prison of our pasts. [So] in order to move through our pain, we need to create space to grieve our disrupted futures. In other words, we need to lament our what-could-have-beens. [It] may sound weird. But it’s perfectly legitimate, healthy even, to wonder, If this thing hadn’t happened, how might things look now? True lament grieves for past pain and for alternate versions of the future. Because our what-might-have-beens are very real losses.

The Lord crafted you with wonder in the secret place, his secret place (Psalm 139). And therefore, God stays especially sensitive to the secret longings in your heart. So pour out your what-could-have-beens to him. [In all] those places where [your] life is divided into “before” and “after,” [God wants you to] share with [Him] the ways in which [you] long for who [you were] or how things were. [For] all the alternate versions of [your] story that are no longer an option, [bring them all] to [God's] throne. [Facing those losses and wounds for] which there is no solution, no resolve and no going back to the way things were, it can be easy to allow that longing to consume and overwhelm our spirit. The pain can be palatable as we feel our achy heart throb over that which will never be. [But God still holds your life in His hands. No matter what you have lost, He still offers you healing and hope for the future through trust in His unfailing love.] In [lamenting with Him] those moments in which circumstances cannot change, [your honest grief can then lead you into a deeper calming of your heart] and mind, [by allowing your prayerful surrender to] wash the peace of God over you in your sorrows of all that has been lost... God wants to bind up the wounds of your what-ifs, so that you can experience the joy of His presence— in your present moment.

Aubrey Sampson

[hadarlaskey]

The gaslighting at the heart of Inception

“What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient… highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it’s almost impossible to eradicate.” These early lines by dream extractor Dominick Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) establish the eponymous concept behind Christopher Nolan’s mind-bending sci-fi Inception, where dream-share technology is used to sow ideas in the mind of anyone.

These implanted ideas are parasitic and can come to define a person’s outlook, future choices, even their personality. Although the main plot concerns corporate espionage carried out through dreams, the emotional core of the film is Cobb’s failure to cope with the loss of his wife, Mal (Marion Cotillard). However, our empathy for him is compromised when it becomes clear that, through inception, Cobb was the cause of Mal’s death.

Moral absolutism is hardly at the forefront of Nolan’s filmography, and Inception crosses straight into morally dubious territory – the titular act itself is a form of gaslighting, designed to significantly alter someone’s mental state without their knowing.

Despite being set up as a classic femme fatale, Mal is a profoundly tragic figure without agency. She was appropriately nicknamed ‘The Shade’ in promotional material, which perfectly encapsulates her role in the film. The Mal we see is not the real Mal, but a violent and malignant manifestation of Cobb’s guilt, a shadow formed of memories and regrets. She is disturbed and quick to anger, sabotaging his work and attacking his team in their dreams.

Yet from the perspective of Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), one of the few characters besides Cobb who knew Mal, “she was lovely”. This begs the question of whether Cobb imagines Mal to be furious and vengeful to make himself kinder by comparison, or if Mal was as toxic as he is.

In life, their bond appeared mutually obsessive: after all, they chose to spend the equivalent of 50 years in a dream world with just each other for company. They regularly quote a riddle about boarding a train with no idea of its destination, deeming it unimportant as long as “they’ll be together”. The problem is that their codependency is much like a dream state: momentarily appealing but ultimately an escape from reality.

They cannot properly function in the real world, at least not in a happy or healthy way, as we see with the progress of their dream experiment. When Mal refuses to leave their shared fantasy, Cobb incepts and inevitably gaslights her. He justifies his actions as an attempt to bring her out of the dream world, yet fails to consider how dangerous it is to fundamentally alter her sense of reality and deprive her of her agency.

The 1938 stage play ‘Gas Light’, where the term ‘gaslighting’ originated, told the story of a husband psychologically manipulating his wife by modifying elements of their environment while pretending nothing had changed. Similarly, Inception blurs the line of reality and fantasy by using ‘totems’ to distinguish between the worlds. Cobb explicitly states that no one but the owner should interact with the totem; even weight and dimension are details only they should know. This later reveals his hypocrisy as his own totem, a spinning top, originally belonged to Mal.

When Cobb discovers Mal’s totem buried away in the recesses of her mind, he spins it and Mal’s sense of reality begins to spin out of control. Like the husband in ‘Gas Light’, he never reveals this information to her, a cruel act which causes Mal’s descent into madness and eventual suicide. After Mal’s death, he ironically depends on the totem to establish his own sense of reality. It is poetic justice that the object which tormented Mal ends up tormenting Cobb.

While Cobb grieves for Mal, it is questionable whether he earns his redemption. Despite knowing the dangers of inception, he continues to incept CEO Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy) while endangering his team by risking falling into limbo, an unconstructed dream space from which one can never wake up. When he finally confronts his actions, it is only to absolve his guilt and move on with his life; yet the projection of Mal tearfully stating “you infected my mind” shows that the damage he inflicted can never entirely be undone.

Abusers delude themselves into believing that they are redeemable, that their actions can exist without consequence. The final scene of domestic bliss may only be a projection of Cobb’s desire for a future where he is forgiven, a fantasy he has constructed to escape the awful truth of his actions. The spinning top begins to lose its balance because, deep down, Cobb knows the illusion is not built to last.

The post The gaslighting at the heart of Inception appeared first on Little White Lies.

source https://lwlies.com/articles/inception-gaslighting-marion-cotillard-leonardo-dicaprio/