#(as this is the anniversary of my actual moms death irl )

[gothamghostwhispers]

Artem leaves several coins at the entrance of the cemetery before they walk in. It’s quiet. Usually is.

They settle in front of a particular grave.

Amara Slayer.

Loving wife and mother.

With slow shaking hands Artem pulls out a lilac candle, and a bottle of wine.

The candle is lit, the flame is steady even in the wind

Artem pours some of the bottle over the grave before taking a sip themselves. They grimace a little. It was their mother’s favorite wine but it’s always been too dry for Artem’s taste. Their mother will be getting most of the bottle.

“Hi mom.. I have so much to tell you this year…”

They begin to tell their mother everything, the good and the bad, how their job is, that they adopted some kids… Describing their children causes Artem to descend into their first fit of sobs for the day as they realize that the kids will never know her.

They sob for a few minutes, before they settle themselves. They’re glad nobody else is around as the amount of grief they are feeling is physically painful.

They tell their mom that they have a boyfriend and describing him brings a fresh wave of emotions because their mother would have loved to meet Beau.

When they’re able to breath again they tell their mother the other recent events the abduction and finding out Micheal has been stalking them almost 10 years and all the feelings surrounding that event, before finally drifting back into stories of the day to day. They let their grief pass over them in waves.

When they can’t cry anymore they pour out the rest of the wine bottle, saying farewell.

The candles flame extinguishes itself when they say goodbye so they can bring the candle back home to put on their alter.

[taegularities]

I don't think I'll ever have a happy July again. July last year my mom passed away 6 days after my birthday. I actually got to talked to her before she passed and I asked her if she remembered that it was my birthday a few days ago and she said she did but I knew she actually didn't since she's seldom herself those days. And she kept insisting to call for our neighbor to cook something for me since it's my birthday and I told her it's ok my birthday already passed, we didn't need to celebrate anymore. My mom was already bedridden back then since she'd spent 3 months in the hospital already. I never knew 2022 would be the year she'll leave us. I wanted to do so many things with her, I wanted to travel with her, eat at expensive restaurants, buy clothes and now we can't do that anymore.

One thing I am happy about though is that I never fail to tell her I love her. I go back to our chat messages and I see that I have said I love her and I can be consoled by the fact that my mom knows I love her before she passed.

Now I feel like I have this delayed grief. I think I haven't grieved properly last year and I'm now feeling this emotions so intensely. I have dreams of her often these days. Maybe it's because her death anniversary is drawing near.

Im sorry I'd end up venting here but I have no one to tell this to irl.

i'm so sorry to hear that about your mom and the pain you're going through, love. giving you the tightest hug 🫂 it's not unusual for grief to surface late. especially now that the anniversary is approaching, it's natural to feel that way, so i hope you're not beating yourself up for that. one of the worst things about loss is truly how final it is. i'm sorry.. i understand and your anger and sadness are valid <3

but you know what, i think it's so wonderful that you got the chance to talk to her so much before her passing. that you could tell her how much you loved her and made clear how you wouldn't stop. and judging from what you put in your ask, i think she truly loved you, too, bc gosh, the way she reacted to your birthday? wanting your neighbour to cook something on her behalf and all. that's such a beautiful thing to ask for.. so it seems that she was a kind woman, despite the things she went through in life. that's remarkable to me.

about your family – hmm, i understand. i guess everyone's journey with grief is different, and maybe your sister thought distancing herself could help her somehow. do you think there's a way to talk to her and go through such difficult times together? or to talk to a therapist? just someone who understands.

just, remember to take your time. you'll find a way to navigate through your grief as you still keep loving her. and the pain will ease with time. much love and many hugs to you 💕

[butterflyinthewell]

I’m realizing that the constant traumas of having routines suddenly disrupted so frequently in 2019 and 2020…

getting shitfaced drunk at a choir party because I was going into autistic burnout

being trapped in a hospital waiting room with severe nausea and nowhere to lay down while in period cramp sensory hell because dad had minor outpatient surgery and he guilt tripped me into coming

how much I got yelled at for mentioning my discomfort after we got home

feeling ignored when my burnout worsened because dad’s needs take up all of mom’s attention

sinking further into burnout to the point that I could barely leave my room without intense sensory pain

mom’s gallbladder blowing up in the middle of the night

having to care for my disabled emotionally abusive dad entirely alone and getting screamed at if I didn’t do things right or melted down from the stress he caused me

having to bother other choir members to get me to church for our first Sunday back after summer break

being almost out of my meds and not sure when I would be able to get more because nobody could drive me till I was literally a day away from running out.

needing to grocery shop and having no way to do it without somebody else to drive me there, and I forgot half the important stuff because I was so stressed out.

our old car breaking down forever

having to bother people in my choir to drive me to and from church till we got another car

grocery shopping on random days at random times because we were at the mercy of whoever could take us, no sense of routine.

getting a new car, being afraid to be relieved in case this one broke down too.

getting our Christmas shopping done super late and almost not getting it all wrapped in time

constant scrambling to get things done while dad made life impossible

the 7th death anniversary of my dog, because 2019 was the year he’d been dead as many years as he lived. I had a dissociative episode in the shower.

the kitchen sink clogging up on Christmas morning, necessitating a panicked call to the handyman

mom’s bowel obstruction the day after Christmas

once again being alone with my emotionally abusive dad and enduring all his fear and griping while getting yelled at if I expressed my own or had meltdowns from the sudden changes to routine happening again

once again being low on meds and not knowing when I would get to pick them up, but finally being able to when I was down to the last three.

once again having to have help getting to the grocery store and trying to shop alone, at least this time I didn’t forget things.

trying and failing to cook dinner for me and dad, resulting in burning my hand and getting screamed at for having a meltdown

the pandemic, and being on our last two rolls of toilet paper.

all the empty shelves in stores, risking infection by going store to store searching for toilet paper. My sister found some and brought it to us, saving us.

lockdown preventing me from going to church or choir practice, so my one way of irl socialization got taken away overnight

almost running out of food because of the panic buying.

doubling up on things we could safely double up on so we always had a buffer in case it was gone again next time. I now keep cashews in my room because I’m afraid to starve. I’m willing to live on a handful of cashews a day if it comes down to it. I panic if I run out and keep one unopened package that is for emergencies only.

“senior shopping hour” at the store being at 7am, so I had to wake up with mom at butthole o’clock in the morning and shop while we were both super groggy(we aren’t morning people), so we forgot things a lot despite having lists with us

being deathly afraid I would get COVID and kill my vulnerable elderly parents by spreading it to them. (Nothing valuable lost or worth remembering if it only killed me, but my parents actually have value in the world and they need to live.)

making a “sick and die” plan to stay in my garage (out of the house) if I caught COVID to reduce exposure to my parents.

dad breaking his hip during a really dangerous part of the pandemic before there were vaccines, and it happened because he wouldn’t stay the fuck in bed at night despite us pleading on our knees for him to stop getting up (and we had spent months isolated to protect HIM and he threw it all away, luckily he didn’t get sick or cause us to get sick)

dad needing minor surgery on his hip

dad being sent home totally immobile and two months sooner than we were promised because the rehab center lied to us and didn’t do shit to rehabilitate him

the electric bed we had for him broke the second he got put in it

a major gas leak the morning after he came home

the gas people AND the bed people AND the home health nurse showing up all at the same time so our house was crowded like a fucking party when pre-vaccine COVID was going on

being at the mercy of whenever home health people could come over to bathe dad, so there was no set time or day, it was a phone call with about an hour’s warning and sometimes they never showed up at all

“We’re doing this, no wait it’s this, wait no now it’s this, never mind it’s the first thing, wait it’s something else, that’s not right it’s over here, no wait it’s actually this, wait no it’s going to be this, wait no…”

being forcibly subjected to the sight and smell of my dad’s shit and getting screamed at for gagging uncontrollably (I’m violently squeamish and attempts to desensitize made my reaction more intense instead of less intense. Mom has forbidden me from doing anything related to his toileting because she understands. He, on the other hand, doesn’t and mocks me for getting her to do his toileting stuff)

dad’s physical therapy to get him walking so he could get up the two steps in our living room and back into his bedroom.

feeling completely invisible, ignored, unwanted, uncared for, worthless and suicidal and everybody was so focused on my fucking dad that they didn’t see me drowning in the middle of it all

not feeling listened to at all when I spoke up.

dad making our lives more difficult than ever because he was mad about being even less able to move around

knowing dad is going to need more medical work done on him throughout the next year. My resentment towards being a caregiver for my abuser makes me see all his problems like he’s a broken down car that keeps needing inconvenient repairs and I’m tired of sacrificing my mental health and dignity for a shitty person who contributes nothing except anger and misery. (THIS IS NOT HOW I VIEW ALL DISABLED PEOPLE, JUST MY DAD.)

being too poor to get full time nursing or place dad in a nursing home, yet our combined disability benefits “make too much” to get the Medicaid that would allow us to get full time nursing or place him in a nursing home.

being unable to crowdfund because mom, dad and I could lose our benefits.

…all of the above has led to me going immediately into meltdown mode whenever I perceive a situation may be leading to anything resembling that stuff again.

It’s a trauma reaction and I don’t like it. So many things set me off. 2019 and 2020 were the worst years of my adult life. Nothing but endless trauma. It’s better now, but the slightest hint that all that shit could start again sends me screaming.

I’ve calmed down now, but I need to keep an eye on this because I might need to contact my mental health counselor and restart sessions with her if the self care tricks she gave me stop working.

I’m trying so hard to be chill and not an anxious wreck all through the holiday season, and it’s like the universe doesn’t think I’m allowed to do that.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

[cristobalrios]

All of them. All of the joy. Spread it. Fuck you. <3

Spread the Love! Meme | Accepting!

This is an aggressive request to spread joy, but. I will take it.

Also, here's the jerk :p person who requested all of them I mentioned earlier.

1. What's a roleplay blog whose characterization you admire?

So we only have one thread but @therapardalis Thera is fun and honestly what Cris needs at this point in his storyline. He's in an extremely reclusive part of his life and Thera has quite honestly an excellent balance of light conversation ("light" as in small/not delving into details, not content-wise)/asking (and answering) questions and not pushing for details even though he's clearly got some Stuff going on. It's good for him to meet someone like Thera and know he's not the only person going through this kind of thing, and would be more so if/when he learns a bit more about her story and obviously their stories are not identical but they're similar enough in certain ways that it'll be good for him and make him feel less alone.

2. What's a roleplay blog whose writing style you admire?

@agnespjurati (@talvenhenki) Orion, both for Agnes when they RP her and the fics they've written. Also, I know this is stepping out of the RP sphere but shout out to @procrastinatorproject because I adore Lili's fics<3

3. What's a roleplay blog who always has the best plot ideas?

I'm saying Dean @assasenach again because we have the most threads and we talk ooc about ideas/headcanons all the time every day, so.

4. What's a roleplay blog whose artwork/edits/icons you admire?

@musikcr Nix! We just started following each other but her blog is so pretty, honestly. Like I said when I reblogged your promo, your edits are gorgeous.

@heartfledged Sarah's blog is ridiculously gorgeous and also her art is beautiful, whenever she'd post her stuff in the Discord I would have heart eyes. So pretty.

@assasenach Dean has great taste in aesthetic and it's simple compared to the other two mentioned but clean, efficient and pleasing, and I always like the edits he makes.

5. What's the roleplay blog you've been writing with the longest here?

Yeah obviously obviously that's Logan @manenimittliv, February was our, what? 7th anniversary of the first interaction between our first ship Erik/Anna with my Phantom blog @princeofconjurers and their OC (we'd interacted a little bit before that with their Raoul but that was like, a week or something before that, and then at sometime even before that very briefly with their version of Christine's father Gustave Daae but I didn't realize that until sometime later that that was also their blog). We've jumped multiple fandoms together and we pretty much autoship. They're my bff and the only originally online friend I've ever gotten to meet irl (three times) and I love them to death<3

6. What's a roleplay blog who's an absolute joy to talk to ooc?

The people I talk to ooc the most are @manenimittliv Logan and @assasenach Dean my current bffs so obviously I adore talking to them ooc (although I wouldn't say Dean is "joyful" talking to him does make me happy, so before you say anything, shush). I've primarily been talking with @iamselfmade PJ out of character but we're RPing now too but yeah, he's great and I love doing streams with him. I said Serena @empathicstars already for the "friendly mun" thing which honestly this question is rather similar to so maybe I should save some people for that question below, slkdjf

7. What's a roleplay blog you love whose character you didn't know until you started writing with them?

Well, besides OCs, I'm not currently RPing with any canon characters I did not previously know the character before I RPed with them, but I'll say Vasher back when Sarah @heartfledged RPed him on @cosmoshearted (which I would still love to continue/redo if/when you ever revive him as you've said you might do in the past, as well as the stuff with Resool, and I'm always up for stuff with Av<3). I did not know anything about that fandom but it turns out my brother-in-law loves it and he got my mom to start reading those books and I'm just like oh! I've heard of that! That's where Vasher is from (I realized it because my mom mentioned Kelsier who I also heard of from Sarah too) and I will get around to reading it at some point, I promise.

Also, PJ made a blog of a character I don't know and followed me on it and we talked about him and Elnor doing something so I'm gonna put @fifty-one-doc here too

Shout out to the OCs who of course I didn't know until I started writing with them but who I love, Anna @manenimittliv, Lorian/Paris previously Sylar @assasenach, Ellie @mclti, Manny @perfection-reached, Thera @therapardalis, Cheryl @ckingsbury1967, Av @heartfledged, any and all of my friends' OCs! Those are just the ones I'm RPing with rn. Give me all the OCs, I love them.

8. What's a roleplay blog with a friendly mun?

Dany hasn't really been RPing anymore but @empathyvslogic still counts. @heartfledged Sarah is great too. Jeanette @ltbroccoli, Logan @manenimittliv (yes I'm mentioning you again), Jamie @livedtough / @quantumstarpaths, Courtney @starsdestined, Eros @tongowheel, Hope @astraldestiny, Fool @strings-have-been-cut, Gin @alyafae, so many people I'm sure I'm missing some (as well as the ones mentioned above). Honestly everyone is friendly and I love all my mutuals<3

9. What's a roleplay blog whose dedication you admire?

So I've answered this question several times now but I know I did not include @mclti when I talked about multis and though I only roleplay with Ellie, Spyro deserves a mention for that "multis are so dedicated" thing I talked about here. I'm sure I'm missing things again too, but yeah. <3

Also, again I have to do a shout out to Lili even though it's still not RP because @mappinglasirena is a beautiful project and although it's technically more for fics, since that's what Lili writes, I as a Cris and Holo Squad RPer use it too, for RP purposes, so I say it counts as an RP resource blog like I did with the directory. And Lili is dedicated to this and I am here for it. I love our conversations about the tiny little details dearly.

10. What's a roleplay blog that always keeps you pleasantly surprised?

As other people have mentioned, this is kind of a weird question but I'm gonna go with Dean @assasenach. I'm not surprised by anything Dean does anymore, so "keeps" me pleasantly surprised isn't exactly right (although it is for certain things like whenever he compliments me I'm like ????) but this is here because the ship caught me by surprise. Like, OC/Canon (with me playing the canon) is my sweet spot when it comes to ships I fixate on, but I did not know they'd be shipped together until Dean posted a short fic about Cris and Raffi talking about then Sylar but now Lorian, Raffi asking Cris why he accepted his reassignment and Cris asking her what "t'hy'la" means and I was like Oh. Oh I like this, they're really cute (Note: I was already really liking their thread before Dean posted that fic, they had a great dynamic and chemistry and I was here for it) and now we're here.

11. What's a roleplay blog you admire from afar?

Good question. Umm, I'm going to say Jamie @livedtough / @quantumstarpaths because we've talked plenty ooc and we're in several Discords together, I love Jamie, but we haven't actually RPed together and I would love to change that at any time (we have talked about some things in the past throwing ideas around just never got to writing them).

Kame @cadetxtilly / @maldonadonco again we're in a Discord together and ze's really sweet but we haven't RPed, so

And just. Anyone in the Discords I'm active in that I have yet to RP with/have only RPed with a little bit. I love all of you.

[isa-ghost]

Anniversary

Two years ago today, I turned a (now 7, at the time 5) year friendship into a relationship in totally the smoothest way ever.

That’s definitely sarcasm, get a load of this shit--

Like the smooth motherfucker I obviously am, I got myself the world’s best girlfriend ever by asking her out on Messenger while grocery shopping with my mom and being sad. If that isn’t the most Millennial(tm) thing I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is.

But I mean, we’d called each other “wifey” for probably two years prior anyway. I still have a video on my phone of my SECOND joke proposal to her from the first time we met irl the summer before we actually started dating (the first time we were on vid chat and I flung a ring at my laptop screen. Shoutout to The Portal(tm).) We’d held hands ALL DAY as I showed her around Chicago in front of our moms. And... well, I’m not gonna share this story publicly but our friends all know The Waterslide Story(tm). All of this literally just 6 months before we started dating.

We acted like girlfriends, so why not make it official?

Now two years later, we’ve seen each other irl maybe two times, but I’ve honestly never had a stronger relationship with someone in my life. 7 years experience of reading each other and being there for each other’s best and worst moments has made it so easy to be open and honest.

Next time someone tells you that long distance doesn’t work, or that asking someone out has to be fluffy and special and extra romantic, tell them they’re wrong.

Tell them they’re wrong because in two years, we’ve done everything irl couples do, and the worst thing we’ve been through is missing each other because we don’t have the time to see each other physically.

We drown each other in gifts even while both broke as hell. I’ve taken her to concerts without her even having to leave her dorm. We’ve watched movies and binged YouTube and anime together, watching the same screen. We met up at 1am at a gas station as I was coming home from vacation because I was driving right through her town. We’ve kissed and cuddled in the short spans of time we’ve gotten to see each other. We talk every day, and we don’t fall apart if we don’t. We’ve had stupid, silly awkward couple moments. We have plans for dates. Hell, we raised a virtual child together for one of my college child psychology class projects (he grew up to be just like her btw). I may not get to hold her hand, or always hear her laugh, or wake up next to her every day, but I wouldn’t trade our relationship for the world.

I love you, @deaths-presence. Happy second anniversary. We might not have the most special love story, but you’re special enough to me that we don’t need one. <3

[shanie-the-toyaddict]

Ok, so I’m like, two days late with this...

This past Thursday, I had a doctors appointment. I had to fill out some paperwork, and when I wrote the date (5/23/19) I did a FULL STOP and just went “...OH”

Now, to explain. There are certain dates that affect me. January 15th is obviously one based on my love of Shane.

May 23rd is another for a WHOLE OTHER REASON.

For anyone who doesn’t realize what I’m getting at, this past Thursday was 20 years to the day since Owen Hart fell to his death at Kemper Arena at the Over The Edge PPV.

It was a night I can never, and will never forget.

Being a minor at the time (I was I think 15), I had ZERO say over wanting to watch a PPV, let alone a WWF (Again, yes F) PPV. HOWEVER, there was a technique back in the day, where if you turned your TV to channel 1, you would get to LISTEN to the PPV while the video feed was scrambled.

So naturally, this is how I watched ALL PPVs from October ‘98 until about September 2001. Basically, until I got to college and could visit a Sports Bar and watch it properly. 

So, anyway, there I was, sitting in the basement, TV on (quietly) doing my homework. When IT happened. At first I didn’t realize what was going on. But as it dawned on me, I got really upset. I turned up the TV to better hear JR and Lawler. Of Course, this brought down my Mother who demanded I turn the TV off and focus on my homework. I refused shouting “You don’t understand, I THINK SOMEONE JUST DIED!”  My mom, not believing me, rolled her eyes and took the remote from me and clicked off the TV. She then proceeded to sit with me for the rest of the night and made sure I didn’t turn the TV back on. I never got to hear the end of the PPV and I never heard the official announcement of Owen’s death.

Fast Forward to the next morning. My mom, at 6am, rouses me to go to school by saying “Hun, get up. Wake up. Remember how you said someone died on WWF last night? You were right. I’m so sorry.”

I SHOT out of bed like a rocket and IMMEDIATELY called my Boyfriend’s house... at 6:15 am. I get his mother. “Hello??? YESS???? Who is there???” “Um yes, It’s Missy. Can you put Josh on the phone, it’s an emergency”

I had to be the one to tell him. He was a bigger wrestling fan than I was and I had to tell him. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to me all day though.

That came once I got to school. I arrived at school, and met up with my best friend at the time, Aurora. She was all excited and the first thing she asked me was “So... did Owen win the belt last night? Tell me, I need to know!” Y’all don’t understand. Owen Hart was her HERO. He wasn’t just her favorite superstar. Owen was to her what Shane was to me: Her reason to wake up in the morning and function. She had actually gotten to meet him years earlier and it was the “Best day of my life” she always told me.

Do you have any IDEA... and NOTION what it is like to tell a teenage girl that their hero just died? To tell ANYONE that? To just hear the words leave your mouth and just watch someone’s entire WORLD CAVE IN.

She just started SOBBING and fell to the ground because her legs refused to hold her any longer. And she lay there, on the floor of the upper commons, for a good seven or eight minutes after the bell to go to homeroom rang. She simply could not process anything. I eventually had to basically pick her up physically and guide her to her locker and homeroom because she couldn’t stop crying. 

Mind you, I was bullied almost non-stop from kindergarten until 11th grade. I spent a whole year of high school as a suicidal mess. I was humiliated by my “Friends” during school events several times that still haunt me.

This... this was the worst day of my entire childhood.

I really don’t want to remember much more than that. I watched RAW is OWEN that night and cried the entire time. Watching the superstars who I had so recently become vested in cry, WATCHING SHANE CRY, it only served to further cement Monday, May 24th, 1999 as one of the worst days of my entire life. 

I read an article tonight about how the event not only caused an ever further rift between the Harts and the McMahons, but also caused an internal fracturing of the Hart family. I don’t know enough about that to comment nor do I really want to. But I do know this. Bret makes a good point. By preventing the current WWE from airing/honoring/acknowledging anything about Owen, all that has happened is an entire generation has gone by and knows nothing of his legacy. While it may be for different reasons, he has been erased just as much as other superstars and alumni that have been blacklisted. I’m not naming names, but there are many people in the current HOF who don’t deserve it NEARLY as much as Owen does. But we all know he will never be allowed it and it SUCKS.

This has gone on way too long, but I felt the need to put this on here. I don’t know how many people will actually read this, and it’s almost more of a journal entry than anything. But to me, May 23rd is one of those days which I can’t help but notice as it comes and goes every year. Being the 20th anniversary just meant that I had to say something this time is all.

PS. Aurora was not the only best friend I ever had who went through this. My current BFF, on tumblr as @aquilalorelei, had to experience the death of Kevin Tod Smith (AKA Ares, from Xena). By being her friend all these years (I luckily didn’t befriend her until AFTER his death) I have seen proof that this kind of pain doesn’t go away. It lingers and eats at you. You might not have been a part of that person’s life IRL, but they were very much a part of yours. At least when an actual IRL loved one dies, you have memories with them to hold on to. Very few people ever get to experience meeting their heroes. Those that never do will never have that first-hand experience to remember. So do I think losing an idol is worse than losing a true love or family member? No, not worse. More like ‘equally painful in a different way’. In conclusion, I have posted twice tonight about the parallel worlds notion. Somewhere, in the multiverse, we can take solace in the fact that there is an alive and well Owen Hart who got to retire, and how resides in that world’s Hall Of Fame. We may not be lucky enough to ever experience that world. But the thought that it exists does cheer me up slightly. 

RIP Owen. We still haven’t forgotten you.

[replicarters]

i was at northeast trek con this weekend, if you couldn’t deduce it from my posts that must have sounded like they were coming from some sort of hallucinatory trip. to say i had fun would be a wild understatement. if you slot this con on an alignment chart, it would be wall-to-wall chaotic good. the theme advertised was celebrating the 25th anniversary of ds9... and boy did we celebrate.

what follows is everything i feverishly tweeted about the wildest 72 hours of my life.

the only reason i went to this con at all was @thylekshran, who wanted to see one mr. jeffwey combs very badly. @jadziadax happened to say to me one night, “hey you should go to this con happening where you live to see nicole,” and i said, “wait a minute, isn’t this the con dylan wants to go to? what if i actually Did go to this?”

friday: i grabbed dylan, somehow, from the bus stop that i think didn’t quite exist on this plane. we get to the con and we walk into the exhibit hall. nicole is right by the door and i cannot look at her, so we beeline for vendor tables, and suddenly before me is an extremely familiar spread of colorful images. it takes me a minute to process it, and then i’m pointing to this table and rushing toward it going, “OH MY GOD. IT’S HER! FROM TUMBLR! OH MY GOD WHAT.” it was none other than @abravenoise selling prints!!!! i had no idea she would be there since i didn’t look at anything before i left the house. just fyi she is irl just about the nicest person i’ve ever met!!!!!! and i’m so glad we got to hang out as much as we did!

we spent the day mostly going to panels and being big baby chickens regarding jeff’s and nicole’s tables, respectively. we did end up at jg hertzler’s table A Lot, because dylan, like, is recognized?? by him and his wife??? idk dylan’s just out here charming the pants off everybody, so i was like, okay cool, this is the first thing that is Totally Fine, just chilling with martok. we also met two cool dudes through jg who really enjoyed hanging out with us, and that was great! making friends all over the place! not the first and not the last!

one thing dylan and i were bummed about was that the klingon meet & greet party that night (where jg and robert o’reilly would get in costume as martok and gowron and duel to the death) was sold out. we really really really wanted to go... so dylan just... straight up asks jg if he can get us in dhfklshdfd. and you know what? he fucking does. just... put our names right on that list! O K A Y!

the friday panels were a sign of what would be to come, every one we went to was crazy. this was my first real trek con, so of course i have never seen hertzler and o’reilly in a room together, but now i have and my third eye is open and all that. not to mention: learning that garrett wang plays pokemon go, nicole cracking up at poop jokes like i said, hertzler doodling a little shran with glasses on jeff’s sign, the con’s power point file just being named DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. everything that was happening was so good.

chase masterson had a panel about her pop culture hero coalition, and currently working for a non-profit myself, i was really curious about what kinds of programming they do, so i went to her table to talk to her about it. chase ended up talking some about the why’s of starting the coalition, what it meant to her, her own struggles with depression, and i’m thinking to myself, “uhhhhhh well if chase is gonna share about her mental health struggles, then... i... will also do this.” the nanosecond i said something about experiencing difficulty with self-love, she was zeroed in on me like a cruise missile. i spilled everything to her about my job and how my old boss was basically the meanest, most miserable person alive, and how much she got into my head and how now that i was out of that department, i had to pick up the pieces and it was proving to be much harder than it has been in the past. well, god almighty, chase just had the nicest things to say in return, and we commiserated over being your own worst critic, and how ridiculously hard it is to have this fight against yourself over and over again, but that we deserve so much and going forward is worth it. jesus christ! i got a big hug and said to myself, “holy shit i can’t wait to tell my therapist that a star trek actor talked to me about mindfulness and now i want to learn the hell out of it.”

oh but then it was time for the klingon party that we were now going to thanks to jg hertzler. this thing was off the chain immediately, martok and gowron had their duel, first with sparkling bat’leths that fell apart, and then with whole baguettes, and i can’t believe i got to watch this with my eye parts. and that was the beginning; the party would go for another 3 hours, almost all of which i spent dancing with the most generous people i’ve ever met, who went out of their way to welcome everyone they could onto the dance floor, regardless of physical ability or skill level. there was one woman in particular who, if she saw even the slightest twinkle in your eye and you weren’t already dancing with her, she’d be like, “you, get over here!” i don’t know how my body did that for all that time without falling apart.

our esteemed guests began showing up, and garrett wang leapt into the middle of our jump around circle and gave each one of us a vulcan high five. jeffrey combs showed up which of course sent dylan over the moon, and he said, “you go, girl!” to her dancing. max grodenchik gave dylan one of his drink tickets and then asked us whether or not we thought the existence of god could be proven. chase found us and reached out her hand over a couple people’s heads to give me a supportive hand squeeze (!!!???). aron eisenberg, i don’t know what the hell he was doing, but i feel like maybe somebody asked him about terry, because all of a sudden i hear something like, “terry left because she was in love with nog and couldn’t take it anymore.” garrett has three pokemon go accounts, which he showed off at my urging, and let me tell you, don’t encounter him at a gym because he has three dragonites, two tyranitars, a monster blissey, and god knows what else. dancing, dancing, more dancing. then it was time for it to be done, and time to go home. we watched reanimator. i was wired as hell and barely slept.

and THAT. was only friday.

saturday: i had kept my eyes open for a copy of the lives of dax the day before, but didn’t see anybody selling one. this morning, i walk by a booth we went to the previous day and all of sudden, on top of a bunch of other books in a big tub, there it was!!! couldn’t have forked my money over faster if i tried.

then i had this bright idea. hey... here’s a copy of lives of dax... and nicole is here... and she should sign it... and then in the future i can get terry to sign it... boom, bang, let’s do it, right? i had dylan drag me to nicole’s table because i was like, “i am never going to make even eye contact with her if you do not physically take me there,” and one of us brought up that we missed her at the klingon party. it’s cool, we all gotta sleep, right? well, it turns out nicole had gone out with the gaaays in spaaace people to the bar where they were going to have their party later. so she says garrett texts her, “uhhh hey you know you’re kinda supposed to be making an appearance at this thing, right?” nope! no clue. so she texts him back, “hmmm uhhh well,” takes another sip of her drink, “i think i’m doing good work here.”

the thing about nicole that i somehow missed in my drinking in of all ds9 actor content is that she embodies pure shitposter energy, but if the shitposts were coming from a wine mom. she’s hysterical, 50% intentionally and 50% unintentionally. an extremely excellent human. she signed lives of dax, i had my tribble photo op with her later (that i almost missed due to getting into a conversation with larry nemecek!) and she said she was going to the gays in space party later. helllll yes. i hope somebody puts up her q&a because she told a RIDICULOUS story about auditioning for ezri and creeping on jeri ryan on a plane. i can’t do it justice, there are movements that have to be seen.

we went to combsland finally, and i grilled him about whether or not herbert killed the cat, and we learned jeff has two cats! show them off, man! where are the vids! then, and i had never planned to do this, i bought an autograph from him, and the shran i bought it on ended up selling out! crazy.

hertzler had doodled a martok above his table, and so this combined with the little shran from yesterday led me to these words coming out of my mouth: “can i pay you for a drawing? can i pay you for a drawing of jadzia and martok brofisting?” he gave it very serious thought, said he was gonna have to look at a lot of pictures of terry (relatable), and told me to give him my e-mail. between him and his wife, i hope to god one of them remembers my e-mail is in his wallet. let me give you money!!!

my next tweets jump right to gays in space - again, dylan knows a lot of the gis folks, so i didn’t feel like i was going into this totally unawares. we’re chilling at the bar, i’m drinking my cranberry juice, and then o’reilly, aron, and nicole arrive, telling everybody that jg’s probably going to be late because a bouncer pushed his wife and he might go to jail. like, kidding, but also... it’s jg hertzler and he could legitimately fuck you up. so he was gonna be late, regardless.

nicole sees dylan and me and comes to say hello (????!!!!!) and somebody ends up saying, “get this lady a drink!” yeah, dylan and i were on that. in fact, i pulled my credit card out like i cared not one bit about identity theft, fico scores, my own personal finances; i would purchase this alcohol in an alley from a guy using a card skimmer. few minutes tick by and then i’ve officially bought a drink for nicole de boer (?????????!!!!!!!!) and i’m giving it to her (????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we’re clinking our glasses together (?????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i’m clinking glasses with nicole fucking de boer and somehow managing to be normal about it. i’m not altogether convinced i didn’t exit the universe entirely by this point and end up in another one.

the gays in space party was AMAZING, it was just as fun as the klingon party! if you have a chance to go to one, please do, there’s like no way you could ever regret it. you get treated to star trek-themed drag shows, get to mingle, there was a raffle, the people were just as friendly as the previous day, it was so great. we were out very late for my old lady body clock but it was worth every bit of exhaustion we felt the next morning, after the saga of actually getting home past a blocked off road and dylan slicing herself open on the bottom of my passenger seat.

sunday: nicole sees me, mid-yawn, and gives me one of those, “eyyy you and me went through some shit last night huh?” looks and tells me good morning. ( ? ? ? ? ? ! !  ! you know this drill.) combs ended up on the escalator behind us after his panel and i turned around and i said to him, “hey jeff, you got any pictures of your cats with you?” (no, but he has a black cat and a very vocal calico.) i went to chase’s table again and got another hug right out of the gate, we took a pic together, and she told me i was powerful! yo! or rather yooooooooooooooooooo!

the con was winding down at this point, but there was one more thing left: jeopardy. the jeopardy game was done at the first northeast trek con and was so popular they did it again, and i really, really hope someone uploads it to youtube because it is beyond description. first of all, the whole draw were the contestants: you could enter a raffle to end up on either hertzler’s, aron’s, or garrett’s team. the champion from the last game ended up buying half the tickets, so he was on it again, and not on aron’s team, much to aron’s annoyance because god almighty did he want to win. he was about to commit murder in there. someone said nicole was upset that she wasn’t in the game because she really wanted to play, lmfao. so the guys running it were like, “well, go get her, she can be on garrett’s team!” which sent aron into a fucking tailspin. now we got a team with two people on it?! they got nicole and drew the other winners, and the game began. 

one of the rules was “this isn’t going to be fair. at all.” actually, it was two of the rules. despite this, you’d have thought aron was bitten by a rabid raccoon. every lost question almost got him flipping the table over. nicole belatedly, i’m talking like 5 minutes into it, realizes she doesn’t understand the rules of jeopardy and can’t figure out why “their” question was answered by someone else. she can’t believe someone knew what voyager’s registry number was. one of the questions was, “a young kid called ensign kim this name instead of ‘ensign’,” and with no hesitation, she answers, “asshole,” and wasn’t even joking, that was her actual guess.    R E A L    W I N E    M O M    H O U R S

the winner was hertzler and the previous champ. aron wants to ban the guy from buying tickets ever again. we head to the closing ceremony but it doesn’t happen? lmfao. well, guess the con’s over!

@abravenoise, one of our other con pals, and dylan were all taking the same bus that night, so we all went to grab dinner with two other guys, one who was a con pal and one i hadn’t encountered at all, and halfway through our dinner larry nemecek strolls in and sits down with us. things just keep happening, huh? the guy i hadn’t encountered at all was really impressed with me unhinging my jaw to consume my burger, and halfway through doing this i have to stop because he says, “hey, why the HECK did jadzia die?!” ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh here go hell come. my time to shine.

larry like looooves asking people what brought them to star trek, and this time he was asking us the -whys- of what brings us to star trek. i said the characters, for sure. he asked us about our favorites. i told him mine had changed throughout my life, but that when i was a kid, dr. crusher was my first favorite. he said, “in high school?” i said, “no, i mean, when i was REALLY little. like 4 or 5.” he asked me, “wow, have you ever met gates at a con and told her that?” pfft well, no, but first of all, now you got me wanting that, second of all i said what i really wanted was to swap cat pictures with her.

that was the end. i took everybody to their bus, went home, snuggled up in bed, and just asked myself, “what the fuck happened?” i still don’t know! but it was fun as hell, and amazingly impactful, if i’m being honest with you. i was surrounded by so many people brimming with enthusiasm, so many people who were happy. then there’s me, a curmudgeon who’s done everything in her power to stamp down her happiness all in the name of being ~cool or whatever. and it hasn’t made me very happy. i mean, i am also clinically depressed, there is that. but i’ve stopped sharing the things i enjoy with others, especially in recent years. i’ve closed myself off, mostly out of fear and attempting to survive my old job, but even here, i tend to keep myself at a distance, and i thought it was just because i’ve run the whole gamut of loving something before and just want to hang out with my friends. i think it’s more than that, though. i think it’s more of a defensive posture, and it’s that same posture which is running my life right now. it’s exhausting. this weekend wasn’t exhausting. it was in the sense that the human body needs rest and sleep and food and i wasn’t getting nearly enough of any of it, but emotionally, i was unburdened.

it would be nice to be that way all the time. i don’t know if it’ll be possible to be happy again like the people i met this weekend, but i do know that i want to experience this over and over and over again.

now, next time, maybe @rootmacklin and @jadziadax will be with me and we’ll be showing off our friendship necklaces to a very tall lady. that would be a good step toward unlocking my happiness...

[myaekingheart]

Had some really weird fucking dreams last night.

The first was that I was at my parents’ house, and the whole family was there for Thanksgiving. I remember grabbing a small plate of a very low variety of food--there wasn’t even turkey??? And thinking to myself that this didn’t feel quite right, but I went along with it anyway. I was still hungry by the time I finished my plate but I didn’t make mention of it. When I got up and everyone was finished eating and my mom started putting away all of the food, however, I noticed that there was an entire long table against the other wall full of more food that I hadn’t even noticed--including turkey and a bunch of other Thanksgiving classics. I panicked because I didn’t even realize any of that food was there, and now dinner was over and my mom was packing everything up so I couldn’t even get any of it. I mean, theoretically I could’ve, I know in reality my mother would never let me starve if she had any say in it, but I didn’t want to sit there alone at a table eating my sad little plate of belated Thanksgiving so I just put up with it. That didn’t mean I wasn’t still hungry, though, nor did it mean that I was happy. I went in the kitchen and for some reason Blake Shelton was there? Which is weird because I give zero fucks about country music whatsoever. But Blake Shelton was there and I demanded he make me ramen. It wasn’t the usual packet of dehydrated instant ramen, but like wads of soft noodles that we had stored in the fridge. He begrudgingly agreed and pulled a wad of noodles from the fridge, dumping them onto what looked like a skillet on the stove? But they made this god-awful squelching sound and smelled terrible and it was clear that they had gone bad. Blake Shelton got really pissy about it which in turn made my hangry ass even more pissed off than I already was. We started getting into a mild argument about it that ended with me shouting at him “NO, I’M ANOREXIC, YOU ASSHOLE!!” and then storming off into the formal living room to kind of just disappear in one of the giant armchairs my parents’ have. 

I woke up momentarily after this, but when I went back to sleep, I had yet another dream.

My fiance and I were asleep in my grandparents’ guest room. I remember checking the clock and it read 12:49pm--we had overslept. I think my grandmother may have knocked on the door and asked if we were ever going to get up? But I can’t remember. Either way, I nudged my fiance and told him I was getting up, and he groaned in protest but didn’t do anything about it. When I stepped out of the room, I could see from the hallway that my grandpop (who actually passed away IRL in 2014--tomorrow is actually the anniversary of his death, which I didn’t realize until now, which makes me feel even more freaked out about this) was lounging on the couch, recliner up and covered waist-down by a big white blanket. He had on National Geographic, a favorite of his, where he was watching a show called How To Get Lost in The Woods. I lingered for a moment to check the show out, and it seemed as if it was an informative program about how to identify different types of poisonous plants and how to tell if water is safe to drink and where to find food if you ever get stuck in the woods. I honestly woke up convinced that this was a real show and when I found out it apparently isn’t, I got super disappointed because honestly? It fucking should be. And what made it even worse was that I recognized immediately that it was being narrated by Dave Wittenberg, aka Kakashi. I lingered in the hallway watching until the next commercial break, and the bumper between ad breaks for the show featured pretty nature pictures with the show’s title in white sans-serif font. This particular bumper had a photo that reminded me of the orange flower from the list of default Windows user profile pictures. At this point, I had resolved to take a quick bathroom break and then go back out to watch with my grandpop. I slipped into the bathroom and sat on the toilet but suddenly I had no control of my body, so I sat there staring down at myself for a long minute before shouting out to my fiance and grandfather a harried “...Nevermind, I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick!” And that was kind of the end of that? 

But I also remember at one point being in my grandparents’ living room or something? And I was wearing my trusty combat boots, the ones I’ve had since 2015 that probably need to get thrown out by now, to be quite honest. I remember twisting my leg so that I could look at the bottom of my shoe, and the heel was completely gone. Like it wasn’t that just the heel of the shoe had fallen off, it was like it never existed in the first place and there was nothing but a blank space like my heel was invisible or something. And it was super weird and I don’t know what the fuck happened or why that was a thing but I guess it was? 

[mysterious-foxes]

I’m worried about you you look sad and always alone around how are you doing?

Wait, first of all, who is this?

Thank you for checking up on me! I really do appreciate it. I'm at a good point in my life. Although, I am coming up on the first anniversary of my mom's death, so there's that. But otherwise, I am well. I have a good family. A great boyfriend. And I've gotten close to quite a few of my coworkers. I'm trying to figure out where you would see that I'm always alone. At work, I do a lot of stuff on my own when I'm there during the day. When I'm there for a show, I am called before most of the crew, but I do go hang out in the green room a lot where a lot of the crew will gather when they have some downtime. So I'm not sure where you get that I'm always alone.

But all that aside, whether your a stranger I've never met just sending me this to check in or someone I actually know irl checking in, I do appreciate the concern. Come and say hi to me!