#(have at least one producer you’re not dating kids. actually don’t date your producer at all but if you do have a backup lmao)

[hey-scully-itsme]

davinci resolve my best frenemy

[wondernus]

˗ˋˏ When We Meet Chapter 2 ˎˊ˗

synopsis: there is only so much forgiving and forgetting you can do when you end up getting stood up by your date over and over again. so when you're stuck between the best friend, the first crush, and their mysterious roommate whose existence seemed like a myth, you can only hope the decision you've been making is the right one.

pairing: kmg x reader

chapter tags: food/drink, mentions of drunk characters, set in the past, last year of university

wc: 2.2k

message from nu: feelings of nostalgia, first crushes, and the mysterious roommate you swore you never saw before. I hope you enjoy ch 2 - nu ♡

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“How come I never get to see your roommate?”

DK looks up from his stack of papers in confusion. It’s a thin stack of tri-colored leaflets and loose handouts from all of his classes that he shoved into his school folder. Some of them didn’t even make it into his folder — he simply shoved the papers into his backpack when he started experiencing senioritis halfway through the semester. Now, the papers resurfaced onto the park table, folded and crumpled with more folds than origami paper fans. He’s pretty sure he’s spent more time trying to figure out which pages contain information for his finals than actually spending time studying.

“What do you mean you never get to see my roommate?” DK answers your question with another question. “Minghao literally came to the park with us.” He places his pencil box on the stack of papers he needs to keep and passes you a sheet of paper from the stack he doesn’t need.

“No. I meant your third roommate,” you correct him while taking the paper from him. “The bottom bunk.”

You fold a corner of the A4 paper to the edge of its opposite side and press along the crease. You drag your thumb’s fingernail along the crease to ensure a sharp and straight fold. Some of the wooden park table’s old blue paint chips and gathers under your fingernail, and you pick it out using your pointer nail. Folding the remaining rectangle against the triangle, you make sure to mark the edge before tearing it off so only the triangle remains.

You don’t know if DK is ignoring you or staring blankly at his notes so you clarify your last statement, “Mingyu.” You look up at DK. “The tall scrawny kid who you said spits while he talks? Like a splash zone?” you inquire.

“There’s no way.” DK’s eyebrows scrunch against the creases of skin between his bushy and unkept brows. “I refuse to believe you’ve never met him before.”

“I dunno.” You shrug your shoulders while you concentrate on folding a giant “X” in your sheet of paper. “I don’t remember seeing him face-to-face or ever having a conversation with him.”

“Nahh. You probably saw him before, but you were just too hungover or drunk. Either one.”

Being drunk you understand. And sure, you have to admit that your head hurts like hell when you’re hungover. However, despite the sharp and agonizing pain you feel in your head after drinking, you’re pretty positive that you could remember and recognize who you interact with. Mingyu was never one of them…at least that’s what you remember.

It feels like clockwork — creasing, folding, and tearing a single sheet of paper to produce those little pocket toys you used to swear by in elementary school. After a few minutes, a small and light blue colored fortune teller sits in front of you. You haven’t made these in years, yet these look just as mesmerizing as ever. It’s as if some genius combined a game of M.A.S.H. and a magic 8-ball together to create the fortune teller. It makes you feel as giddy as a child just from the act of pushing the fortune teller flat so you could write random numbers and answers for questions you don’t already know the answer to. 

There’s something very sentimental about folding origami at the local park where children chase each other around the playground and soccer balls crunch against the patchy green grass in the fields two weeks before you graduate from university. But here you are, folding fortune tellers while DK pulls a packed lunch out of his backpack. A store-bought sandwich from the small convenience store in the Student Center on campus, snacks, and a small juicy clementine — your typical Google image search lunch. He peels his tiny clementine, tiny crunches ticking his ear every time he pulls the skin away from the juicy orange flesh. He manages to peel the fruit in one go and admires the circular-shaped fruit sitting in his palm, the zesty fruity smell filling the air.

Time moves forward, yet special moments have a way of bending that linearity — pausing or even bringing you back in time while you stay in the present. Sentimentality is weird, you think. But you recognize that you long for it to stay every time it comes around.

In the distance, dressed in all black, Minghao balances his cell phone against his backpack and struts towards his phone. He trimmed his beloved manbun down to a mullet with long and blunt bangs that hang a little below his eyes, framing his v-shaped jaw. Even the black glossy shine of his fresh manicure shows clearly in the little video he is filming. Yet, his same warm smile and carefree personality stay. And your heart can’t help but melt a little every time he puts his arm around you, thumping happily as he asks about your day.

DK sections his clementine and pops them into his mouth one after the other, slowly chewing as he watches his friend document his outfit of the day from a distance.

“Honestly.” DK coughs a little mid-chew. He swallows before he continues his train of thought. “I’m so glad he’s out of his manbun phase. His whole aesthetic was bordering on cultural appropriation. Oh, I also had to talk him into using non-DIY shampoo and conditioner because I swore I kept seeing buildup on his scalp. Do you think I should receive some sort of credit or reward?”

“He’s pretty,” you muse, smiling to yourself while scribbling an answer down, purposely dotting the I’s with tiny scrawled stars — a tiny heart when the thought of Minghao falls into your mind. If DK asks about the stars and heart, you think you would reply with the fact that you were going for a Kidcore aesthetic.

“Puh-lease,” DK snorts while turning back to his stack of papers. “His bangs are so long he probably forgot what we look like. You should see how Mingyu looks now.” He winks at you.

But you don’t catch his subtle gesture as you continue to jot down your final answer. Feeling giddy inside, you quickly fold the origami back to its completed form, insert your fingers between the flaps, and hold it out to your friend.

He looks enthusiastic at first, quickly wiping his hands off to the side of the table until he stares directly at the fortune teller. He squints at your little project and leans in closer, nose scrunched in tandem.

“You realize I can barely read what you wrote because you folded it printed side up, right?” he comments on your mistake while looking up at you.

“Stop being an ass.” You roll your eyes and nudge the fortune teller closer to him, “Choose.”

“Uh…I want ‘Quantity A and Quantity B…-ormation centered.’”

“Just read what I wrote,” you push.

Eventually, the two of you end up at the last flap. Eyebrow cocked, you unfold the flap with a dramatic flair, hand thrown into the air after letting go. Fake gasping, you pause for effect. He plays along by clutching his chest even though he’s feeling terribly embarrassed.

“You will sell your soul to the devil in order to make tons of friends.”

He immediately frowns and jerks the fortune teller from your hand. “You were able to fit all that in a single answer space?” he asks you incredulously while staring at the piece of paper.

“Nah, it just says ‘idk.’”

He turns to you with an unamused look on his face and immediately hands you back your fortune teller. All of a sudden, the fortune teller you hold in your hands feels used — the bad kind of use. It’s not DK’s fault at all. It just feels like you’re holding something that once held a lot of memories, something once of use, something you’ll have to part ways with eventually. And it sucks feeling this way about a tiny craft you made and used only once one spring day.

A tiny brown bird with a white underbelly lands on DK’s stack of papers. It stays there for a few seconds, tilting its head towards you, staring at you with its circular black eyes. With two little hops, it quickly flies away. Its plight is strong enough to shift the upper three sheets on the stack of papers, but not enough to shift your new mood.

You wonder if moments are meant to be fleeting or if they should be kept for as long as you can keep them. Maybe it’s the Spring blues or whatever you want to call them. It feels weird knowing you won’t be seeing your college friends every single day after you graduate. And it feels weird that you’ve only known DK and Minghao for a few years, but it feels like you’ve spent eternity with them. You want to hold onto this moment, whatever you can manage to call it or define it as, just a little longer.

“Hey, did you want to grab dinner with us later?” DK interrupts your thoughts.

You drop the fortune teller on the table, letting it roll one, two before it stops on one of its edges. 

“Mingyu’s coming back to eat with us,” DK quickly adds, realizing he never answered your previous question as to Mingyu’s whereabouts. He fidgets with the idea of telling you that Mingyu visited his family for the weekend, but he decides not to because it isn’t his place to tell — the two of you aren’t even that close. There’s no use in telling you extra information that you don’t need to know. However, he’s still in disbelief that the two of his closest friends have never officially met.

“Oh I can’t. I’m taking grad pics with my club later.” You’re slightly bummed you wouldn’t be able to meet Mingyu.

“Next time then.” He smiles and turns back to his notes.

Yeah…next time.

Late Spring weather and early Summer heat feel hot and sticky on your skin. Beads of sweat collect on your upper lip, and you can feel your t-shirt cling to your lower back. Maybe you're imagining things. Nobody around you seems to be experiencing the same thing. Your friend across from you abandons his notes, and he searches for an easy origami tutorial on his phone. Minghao is long gone, no longer under the tree. He’s probably strolling around the park by himself, hands clasped behind his back like a kind elder who smiles and nods at you whenever he passes you on the road. Yet, you’re stuck in your seat, intrusive thoughts filling your mind.

“Hey DK, do you think we’ll grow apart after graduating?” The question unexpectedly comes out of your mouth. 

This reveals itself to be the answer to your worries.

“You okay?” DK looks up from his unfolded origami frog, the same one he used to play with when he was a child, the same one that would make him laugh enthusiastically at how the frog hopped forward when he tapped its back. He thinks Minghao would like it if he made him one. “Having a little existential crisis there?”

Words can’t find a way out of your mouth. You’re afraid of losing this moment, mentally preparing yourself over the course of the last few weeks. Afraid of losing those around you again. 

In your world, there is no Yn — singular. There is always Yn and blank. “We come as a package deal,” “BOGO,” “three peas in a pod”: these are all phrases associated with you, phrases you always repeat to others. An introduction of sorts. Lately, you’ve been needier than ever, asking close friends to hang out more and more. You make excuses to stay out longer, telling yourself experiences are worth more than your morning class test in a few hours. You’ll double book yourself with different friend groups, even if it means driving an hour to hang with the next group in a different location. You hate being lonely, yet the only person who doesn’t see that loneliness as a burden is a guy who seems like a background character compared to his roommates. His kindness is genuine, something that you know you can’t take for granted. 

“Hey, I’ve known you for like what? Three? Four years? It’s not like I can immediately drop you from my life right after graduating. You also still owe me for all the times I sneaked you into the resident dining hall for free meals.”

He knows you lost touch with your hometown friends almost immediately after you started college. “Best friends forever” written in silver permanent marker and decorated with glittery stickers and pages of personalized yearbook inserts eventually hold as much meaning as quickly scribbling “H.A.G.S.” in the yearbook of somebody you once borrowed a pencil from. And he knows how you cried after you made your first friend in college, one month into the semester. 

“Just promise me that you’ll always be my friend.” 

“Why are you being all sappy? It’s weird.” He tries to laugh it off, but, in all truthfulness, he’s worried about you. 

“Promise me,” you whine.

“Okay dumbass. I promise you.”

Copyright © 2023 Wondernus. All rights reserved.

[lake-archive]

Chapter 1 - Welcome Back! ... Or Not

AO3 Link

Fandom: Ensemble Stars

Series: Alte Liebe Rostet Nicht

Characters: Izumi Sena, Anja-Sophia 'Ann' Wolff (OC)

Masterlist - Next Chapter

Why had Ann been taking the Producer up on this favor? It was an emergency she said, something had come up on a very short notice. And thus she needed a replacement to pick up someone for her. One of the top idols at ES, one of the best idols around. Who was the idol in question? From what they were told his name is Izumi Sena, one of Knights members. And it was up to Ann to pick  that guy up.

The name was not one they were unfamiliar with either, far from it. They had heard of him in passing as he had been away in Florence. And what the coworkers told them about this guy… Apparently he was a pain to be around. A literal pain in the ass, a piece of work if you may. He would complain non stop and if he saw just one flaw in you, which was almost anyone honestly, he would put you down on the spot. He would not hold back if he found something to complain about. And he will find something, it was rather guaranteed, to say the least.

But it was also important to keep an open mind. Ann was told to ‘tread carefully’ but they just wanted to keep an open mind. Surely he wasn’t that bad, was he? In fact, he was probably just a little stressed if anything. Having a jetpack constantly does horrible things. They experienced jetlag the moment they were headed to Japan after all so they wouldn’t blame him if they were completely honest. A bit grumpy, anyone could handle that! Surely! Yeah, a grumpy guy is not the worst thing in the world!

“So… Sena–San… Sena–San…” Ann mumbled to themselves as they were just wandering around the airport, keeping their own eyes out. They were ‘people browsing’ at that point. Did they have any idea what the idol looked like though? Well, sorta. They could just barely remember his face but they had seen it here and there. Wait, actually… Some pictures were on their phone thanks to their mother. She had seen this ‘good looking model’ and had to tell their kid all about it, even saying things like the following:

'Doesn’t he look like the perfect type for a mother–in–law?’

‘He looks really good. Girls at your age would give anything for a guy like that.’

'Say, isn’t he your type too? He has to be!’

‘Dear, do you think this outfit looks good on him? I mean, you should be the best judge since you are in the same age group as he is.’

Each time they responded to those texts in a rather neutral manner they would say.

‘Mom, you don’t expect me to date a model, do you?’

‘Why not? Listen dear, I read up on him and it says that he works at the same place you are working at.’

‘I’m not going to Japan to manhunt!’

‘Just throwing it out there.’

‘Firstly, he’s also working as an idol. Idols are not like western artists! Secondly, I’m just going to be his coworker at most! Thirdly, I’m still not interested!’

‘Then it’s about time.’

‘Don’t push it Mom!’

‘Haha, I’m just messing with you dear.’

‘You’re embarrassing me sometimes…’

But that much was true. They were not interested, and even if they were… The two of them would just be coworkers at most. Nothing personal, no relationship of any kind. Just neutral coworkers… If you can call it that. Nothing more, nothing else. Just existing at the same workplace.

Ahem…Long story short, they had a pretty good idea of what his face should look like at the very least. Their Mom had sent quite a few to them, it may as well be burned into their mind. With that they just kept on searching and searching, their legs carrying them around the airport. Though it became a little hopeless. What if he went already ahead? It was a possibility. Or what if they walked past him without noticing!? Talk about bad luck damn it… Drat! They would have to run around the airport once more and—

“Hah!? What do you mean you can’t come pick me up!?” A voice suddenly echoed right in their very own ears, making them come to a sudden halt. It was a loud one, having a rather angry tone, to say the least, and being anything but pleased. And even that was an understatement.

“Are you kidding me!? Some meetings take great priority!? What kind of Producer are you!?”

The male voice then let out a sigh after a few moments, then continued to talk: “Ugh… great…  Alright, who did you send? ‘Wolff’? Who the hell’s that!?”

Their name! They heard their last name! Wait, was that—

“Never heard it before. Whatever, they’re not on time anyway! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been standing here, waiting for someone to show up!? I’ll give them an earful!”

A moment of silence yet again as they turned though for some reason their stomach turned. Something was up here, kind of… But they decided to not let it bother them.

“ ‘Go easy on them!?’ Ok ok fine, since you told them on short notice. This is your fault too. Whatever, I see you when I see you.”

A quick beep could be heard shortly after and they spotted the silver haired male putting his communication device away. They had been staring and listening in for quite some time, deciding to let him finish his conversation.They could already tell from the side profile who this was… Izumi Sena, the one they had been looking for. Thus they took a step forward finally, to make themselves known while saying rather softly: “Uhm… Excuse me… Sena…San?”

The young male turned around, right into the direction of the voice with a narrowed gaze, looking like anything but amused, to say the least. “What!?” He even hissed right at them, making them stop dead in their tracks yet also holding back to not flinch from this sudden reaction.

“S… Sorry… I…Here to…” They continued stuttering yet he interrupted them from one moment to the next, having raised his own voice: “Speak up, would you!? And how about you try to speak in full sentences! This is pathetic to listen to!”

Hearing this made them nearly grumble. Something rubbed them the wrong way. What the hell was this guy thinking? This was as bad as they heard so far. And it has not even been a minute! Oh great…

They felt one of their hands forming a fist yet they tried to not to let it get to them. Maybe it was just a… Terrible first impression.

“Uhm… I… Can’t talk… Much Japanese…” They responded, very slowly, trying to keep their composure the best way they possibly can.

At most they only got one of his eyebrows rising,  him then scoffing: “Talk? Don’t you mean ‘speak’?” It wouldn’t be something they would usually take offense to but the way he said it, so mockingly… It made their blood boil, almost literally. Especially once he took a closer look, to say the least. He then added however: “Wait… You’re not from here, are you?”

“Yeah.” They nodded yet with somewhat visible annoyance. Yet he decided to ignore it or had not noticed.

“Ok fine, I won’t pick on your poor choice of words.”Oh how generous… “But quit the stuttering, will you? It’s annoying.”

Wha— Less stuttering? Less stuttering!? How!? They had to think about their words here! This guy is an inconsiderate shithead alright!? They made on attempt in hiding it at that point, being beyond furious at that point. “Ugh… If so, how about English?”

Though they would not even wait for an answer, adding: “Hah, no. Whatever. Picking up! You!”

“Huh? Picking me u—” He was about to repeat though would then come to a realization. “Hey, you’re that ‘Wolff’ person, aren’t you?”

They nodded, though somewhat forcefully. “Yeah. I’m Anja–Sophie Wolff. And I—”

“I didn’t ask for your name, did I?”

“Well… No, but—”

A sudden glare from the dimwit in front of them. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you then! Do you know how long I waited here!? Did you even try looking!?”

A grumble escaped their very own lips, more audible than before. They then glared back, massively annoyed. They are getting more and more pissed at this point. Not furious, pissed.

“If you wanna walk and sweat, please. I’ll drive with not you.”

They said it sharp and bluntly, not even resisting by then. No, he is not as bad as they said… He’s worse than they said! That Arschloch!

Regardless, that seemed to have silenced him for a short moment, Izumi’s face being rather surprised. taken aback even. As if asking ‘How dare they?’ Well, they dared and there was nothing this sorryass could do about it. However, he gave in at the very least, or so it seemed at first. “Ugh, fine. Whatever.”

That prick isn’t apologizing though.

“Just keep your distance, will you? I don’t want to be seen with someone like you.”

“Hah!? What for!?” What the—

“Ugh, what even is this!?” He responded fairly quickly, pointing at everything he was talking about at that very moment, with a rather disgusted expression right on his own face. “Your hair is an utter, unacceptable mess! Did you pick these clothes out with your eyes closed!? It’s not just out of season, it also looks old! Are you going to work or for a jog!? And even then, I can clearly see the fat building up. How much do you weigh!? A ton!? Either way, pick wider clothes for crying out loud!”

Ann’s own eyelids twitched at his comments, this guy has the audacity to point out these things! No shame, no sugarcoating. None of that! “Sorry for being a uni student…”

“Uni student!? I thought you were some random hobo! At least try to look decent!”

“None of your business, is it?”

“It is! I have to walk next to you! Good grief…”

Ok, enough is enough. Suddenly they just turned away, about to just walk off. Driving that guy around? No fucking way! “Fine. Walk to the office. Be like that.”

“Wha– Hold it right there!” From one moment to the next he grabbed one of their arms as tightly as possible, though instead of hurting them it was more annoying, to say the least. “You’ve been told to pick me up! No backing out now!”

The brunette huffed. “Don’t wanna! Arroganter Schnösel! ”

A glance to the side revealed one of his eyelids twitching, not pleased. “Did you just call me by a name!?”

“Not telling! Vollhonk! ”

“Why you little…”

“ Verpiss dich einfach. Ich habe Wichtigeres zu tun, als einen Idioten zum Gebäude zu fahren. ”

They were about to take their leave after this, not wanting to bother with this guy any longer. Annoying piece of shit with a ‘pretty face’, ugh… This goddamn guy. Can rot for all they cared.

Yeah, no way they’d even want to get closer to that shithead.However, they got grabbed yet again, as if not allowed to escape.

“Ugh, fine! Just do your job. I’ll shut up. Not like I want to talk to you to begin with.” Izumi grumbled, being very reluctant about this. But it was for the better. “Fine. You shut it. I shut it. Simple.”

“Fine!”

And then silence kicked in, the two just walking to the car and drive in utter silence, annoyed by another’s presence. It was not worth acknowledging him to begin with.

Though that had been only the first encounter between them and the biggest Arschloch in the whole wide world… Izumi Sena. At the time they prayed that it would be the first and last time… But of course fate is a cruel Mistress.

Masterlist - Next Chapter

[inkflavoredtea]

Stream Short Story #1

Date: 01/30/23

Genres: Fantasy, Slice-of-Life

Location: W*lmart

Word Count: 1,156

(This is a short story I wrote with chat and the randomizer’s help.) 

Wendy wasn’t thrilled about today. Monday was just another day but for her, Monday meant restock day. Restock day meant empty shelves, upset customers, and employees scrambling everywhere to get the shelves filled using giant carts. Granted, the carts float but they’re still huge and in the way.

One small mercy was that she was to be a cashier today.

She slithered her way into the employee office, saying hello to her co-workers.

They all look miserable.

She wasn’t looking forward to this.

Using her smooth black tail, she unhooked her sling of a bag and placed it in an empty locker. The locker had her name on it and her uniform. She slipped into her uniform and had a brief moment of embarrassment. Being the first serpent to work at this W*lmart, they still didn’t have a proper uniform for her. So, while it fit her body just right, it still had sleeves. And when the floating carts would pass by her, the wind would cause them to flap.

It was mortifying.

‘We will get a proper uniform for you soon, Wendy. For now, please wear this.’ Is what a manager said on her first day… 2 months ago. She sighed and made her way to the line of people waiting to clock in.

After clocking in, she made her way to a cashier station. Lines were starting to grow, which was impressive considering most of the shelves were empty. She shuffled the stool out of the way and used her tail to turn the cashier light on.

“I’m open! Pleassse make your way here.”

Or don’t, is what she also wanted to say. Her line quickly filled, and she was on her way working. Having only her tail put her at a disadvantage for some items, like back of the freezer cold ice cream. But so far so good. At least until one woman complained.

“You touched my fresh produce! With your tail! That’s so gross!”

“Ma’am,” Wendy started, “My tail isss clean. We make a habit of making sssure of it.”

The woman was still unhappy.

“No, you’re not even wearing gloves!”

“Well, I don’t have handsss ssso…”

Unfortunately for Wendy, that was the wrong thing to say. Soon a manager was called. The Giant stepped over and listened to the woman’s complaint. She sided with the customer (because of course she did) and Wendy was sent to the back to get a glove.

However, just like the uniform, they did not have a glove for a serpent. The second manager sent her to restock instead. Though, most of the restocks were assigned and being worked on except for one place…

The toy department.

She dreaded this. She glided towards the giant cart that was floating filled with toys. It held the newest toys, the most popular toys, the probably dangerous toys, the high-tech toys, and the ‘absolutely will cause harm’ toys. She looked at the other two co-workers with her.

The Orc was Jason. He was pretty tall, about half the height of Wendy at 8’. The other was…

Oh, you have got to be kidding.

Rory was a giant tiger snail. Not giant as in Manager #1 Giant but very large for … snails.

“Ssso, we’re ressstocking everything?” Wendy had asked. Jason nodded and went to move the cart to a more accessible spot. Which was impossible but it was the thought that counted.

“Yep,” Rory interjected, “I was supposed to be helping in the garden department. But I guess they decided to have the new guy there instead.”

Which didn’t make any sense. Rory is an actual snail. The new guy was a tar creature. But okay, sure.

“And Jason was supposed to be in athletics, but they have Pia there instead.”

Pia was a 1-foot-tall fairy… okay this is weird.

After asking permission, Rory slid onto Wendy’s tail, and they followed the floating cart to the first isle. This was filled with action figures and other possibly violent toys.

Wendy sighed, “Let’sss get to work everyone.”

                                                      ---

It was four hours later when a manager (the third if you’re keeping track at home) stopped by to check in. The light clopping alerted the team, who was struggling. The isle they were in was filled with every toy that could talk, beep, sing, and insult. Most customers avoided this isle because it was a concert of chaos. (Also, the floating cart was in the way).

The Unicorn manager peek into the isle, their horn bright and shining.

“Hellooooooo. How is it goooooing?”

The three slowly turned and stared at the manager.

“Oh dear!” They exclaimed, “You all look so exhuuuuuasted.”

Wendy was covered in stickers from an exploding sticker book (Yes, that was a ‘probably dangerous’ toy), Jason had streamers hanging from his small horns (also from a ‘probably dangerous’ toy), and Rory had a bucket stuck on their shell (just a normal toy sadly).

“Well, I came by to see if you all had gone to lunch already. There’s piiizaaaaaaaa. Just to show our appreciation,” the manager announced,

“Why don’t you three go to the employee break room and I’ll help out here, okaaaaaaay?”

They ran away immediately.

 The employee breakroom was near the front of the store. The toy department was in the back. It took them a little bit, but they finally arrived. Jason opened the door to welcome the delicious smell of pizza-

“Oh, there you are.” It was manager #2, who was human. He was just a regular guy,

“We didn’t think you were coming.”

The break room was empty. Not a single pizza box remained. Only a sauce-stained napkin that the manager was using to clean his hands. He then got up, threw away the trash, and left. There was nothing left to do except eat the lunch they brought from home.

Fun.

                                                     ---

The trio made their way back to the toy department. When they arrived, there was no sign of the Unicorn manager, and the isle of noise was still going. Customers were taking toys from the floating cart instead of the isles and it was now a disorganized mess.

“I can’t believe all thisss because I talked back to a cussstomer….” Wendy said quietly.

“Oh, me too!” Rory added. Jason nodded as well.

“Really? Isss thisss… what isss it called…”

“Retaliation!?” Rory spoke loudly.

Jason aggressively nodded.

Rory made their way from Wendy’s tail to the top of the floating cart.

“I don’t need this job! I can work on my college campus!”

Wendy stretched and climbed onto the cart.

“Yeah! I can intern at the Officcce of the Presssident!”

Jason hopped on next to them as well.

“And I can just go home!”

The trio cheer and led the floating cart, back to the front of the store… at Mach speed.

                                                       ---

Basically, that is why there is a cart shaped hole covered by plywood in the front of the store.

[finelinevogue]

the fact that Y/N has post natal depression Is somewhat refreshing idk I just don't see it talked about much on here and if it is it's like Hella angsty and the partner doesn't understand what it is but I was wondering if u could touch on it a bit more cause it's something I'm really scared about happening to me and I just want harry to hold me and tell me it's going be okay 😚😚😚😚

P.s. if u don't wanna it's understandable

anon: can u write about harry helping y/n through her ppd maybe like the 3rd time was so bad that h decide that he won’t be having more children

so this was requested twice so i would love to be able to write this for you both, hope this is okay - mind it’s heavily angsty!;

tw: vomiting, ppd and od

oli - 4, felix - 3, belle - 12 weeks

Motherhood was really fucking hard.

The birth of your newly born daughter, Isabella, had really taken a back pedal on your mental health. You had suffered with post natal depression after the birth of your two sons, but nothing as bad as this.

It had hit you around the 7 week mark after giving birth. The pregnancy itself was okay, even though she was slightly premature, but it was after you’d taken her home that it’d all spiralled downhill. It started with complications with her breastfeeding - like she was rejecting the milk that you had produced. It hurt to see her reject you and your body, finding more comfort in drinking from a pre-made milk bottle as her dad rocked her to sleep. You recall the evening so clearly and felt like an utter failure as you watched her drink a bottle of formula for the first time.

“Ssh ssh,” Harry cooed to your 7 week old daughter as he rocked her in his arms on the rocking chair in her nursery. She was whining because she was hungry, but the problem was that she wasn’t accepting your milk. She hadn’t been accepting your milk all day and now it was becoming dangerous for you to keep on saying ‘Oh i’ll just try later.’ Harry had told you to make a formula bottle for her. “Mummy’s coming.”

As much as you didn’t want to, you were walking back to the nursery with a warm bottle in your hands. You’d tested it on your hand to make sure it wasn’t too hot and then taken a sip to taste it, out of jealousy, and you thought that it didn’t taste any different to you. Then again you’re not a 7 week old human whose only date is milk.

“Look here’s mummy with your yummy milk, okay? Look Belles!” Harry cooed at his darling angel and you only wished he wasn’t as happy for her as he was.

“Yeah.” You spoke softly, handing him the bottle and standing nearby, part of you hoping that she would reject this too and she wasn’t just rejecting you.

But no, she drank the formula like it was her last meal.

“Such a sweet girl, aren’t you?” Harry praised her, watching her in awe as she kept on drinking the formula. Watching as she was drinking to become the strong girl you knew she’d become. It just hurt that it wasn’t you that could help her become that.

You felt powerless. Worthless, even. The one thing that you had carried the weight of your breasts around to do and you couldn’t even do it. Your nipples were so sore and your breasts ached so badly and it was all for nothing. Perhaps it was punishment for being such a bad mum. Perhaps you’d never been good enough for this job and it was your bodies way of shutting you down forever. You wouldn’t need the ability to produce milk anymore, because you weren’t worth the title of becoming one again. You wanted to be happy for your little one, seeing her happy but all you felt was rejection and sadness. She didn’t think you were good enough to be her mum and that really hurt.

Along with the breastmilk problem, Belle also became very stubborn when you wanted to change her nappy. Anytime you tried to change and help her she put up a fuss, kicking her legs and sometimes she would bite or hit you away. It was just a reminder that you weren’t a good enough mum for her and that she didn’t feel safe enough around you. She didn’t find comfort in your presence and she was so fussy about what you did around her. With Harry, though, she was an angel. She loved him so much and obviously he made her feel so loved and safe - something you’d clearly never be able to give her.

There was also the chores of being a mother to your other two sons too. Oli and Felix were old enough to understand that they had a baby sister, but they weren’t old enough to understand how miserable you were. Harry wasn’t even able to figure it out yet. You tried your best to put on your bravest face, knowing that your family needed you to be strong but the truth was that you were crumbling on the inside. You were feeling less and less like yourself and you were waiting for the moment when you’d completely fall apart. Nothing felt right anymore. Everything was just numb.

“You two boys okay?”

You walked into the children’s playroom see that they were sat at the little table colouring in. Felix’s little legs dangled slightly, whereas Oli’s legs touched the floor and it made your heart swell at how big they were both getting.

“Yep!” Oli cheered, scribbling with his left hand as his tiny tongue stuck out from his lips as he concentrated - a habit passed onto him from his father.

“What are you both drawing?” You asked, coming over and kneeling on the floor beside them and having a peek at their drawings.

“We’re colouring for daddy.” Felix answered, some of the words not being pronounced properly due to his young lisp and lack of being taught how to say things correctly yet.

His words stung though. You appreciated that he was only a toddler and he meant nothing evil or malicious by it, but it hurt to think that maybe, just maybe, your sons were doing this for their dad because he did so much more for them than you did. Of course you tried to be the best mum you could, but maybe you weren’t doing enough. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a mum after all, or at least not a good one.

“O-oh,” you tried to hold back the tears in your eyes because your boys looked so proud at their artwork - and you should be too. “Tell me about them then, my loves.”

Oli went first, “So this is me and this is Oli and this is dad. It’s us playing football like we did the other day, mummy.” He pointed out to each of the figures, some looking actually quite terrifying but you’d never have the heart to tell him that. The figures were all holding hands though and it hurt to think that you weren’t a part of that.

“Oh that’s so good Ols!” you rubbed his head of hair and then turned to Felix’s, “What about you Fix?”

“I drew daddy as the best.” He pointed to a trophy that the figure - more like a stick-man-slenderman - was holding, which was decorated with the award of ‘my hero’.

“I told him to write hero, mummy.” Oli added, and you smiled at both of them.

“Well done. Good job both of you. Daddy will love these!” You only wished that they would draw something for you. You hated to think that you were being petty, but honestly you just wanted to feel loved. “Shall I go cut up some apple for a snack, hey?” You asked, trying to feel useful.

“Daddy is making us smoothies!” Felix answered and you had to stand up, up and away from their heigh, so they didn’t catch the tears in your eyes.

“Okay! Don’t forget to give him those pictures - he’ll love those.” You praised them and they both giggled to each other.

The sight of your sons laughing should’ve made you so happy, but it only reminded you that you weren’t the source of their happiness. You weren’t on their mind enough to be their inspiration for drawings. You definitely weren’t their hero. You were just a woman to them, not a mum. You wanted to be so much more but it was clear that they didn’t need you. They were loved by their dad and each other, not in need of your heart.

Eventually Belle settled down and was sleeping better through the night, leaving you and Harry to much more peaceful nights sleep. Well, just Harry.

You had found it near impossible to get to sleep now. You lay awake at night wondering when Belle would next wake up, wondering when she’d next need you. Harry was always quick out of bed though, even if he actually was sleeping, to help her ordering you to stay in bed and rest yourself. You couldn’t help feel like he was telling you to stay put because he knew you wouldn’t be able to do your job properly - and you started to believe him.

You’d found yourself getting jealous of those that could get to sleep. When you were walking down the road you’d judge a person by how much sleep they looked like they got last night. You definitely looked like you only had 2 hours - even when you’d only had 37 minutes but who’s counting? Your dark circles were heavily noticeable, but no one cared enough to ask. Even Harry stayed clear of you more and more often; spending more time with the kids than you and sleeping on his side of the bed instead of yours at nighttime.

There had been one evening where you had been so restless that Harry had gotten so frustrated and left the room, with a blanket and a pillow, and slept on the couch. You’d never felt so much like a burden than that night. Your family was rejecting you and you felt like a failure. You were a success at failing in everything. The meals you cooked went half eaten by everyone because you would’ve forgotten to add a key ingredient. The children preferred to spend more time playing with their dad because you weren’t energised enough to play the games they wanted to. Your daughter still rejected your milk. It was all too much and you just wanted one nights peace for it to change.

Last night had been that night.

Fuck these were so addicting. You were finally getting the sleep that you so badly craved, only with the help of tablets.

You wanted the sleep because that was the one place you could escape to. You needed that escape to help you get out of bed the next morning. Life was too hard for you to not dream, and without dreaming you didn’t want life.

It started off with taking one every night before bed, but then they stopped working again, so you started taking two, then three. Four was obviously where your body hit its limit.

“Mummy? Can you come tuck me in please?” Oli asked, little toy giraffe in hand and shaking you in hopes of waking you up to send him peacefully off to sleep.

You’d gone to bed a bit earlier tonight, lying saying that you were extremely exhausted. Harry said he would be able to handle things and that’s when you excitedly ran upstairs to take your pills; 4 of them. You’d made it into your bed, feeling slightly drowsy after completing your nighttime routine, but then you started to feel unwell and really ill. Before you’d passed out you’d stuck your fingers down your throat in hopes to make the feeling in your stomach disappear, but it ended up you throwing up all over the bed and pass out right there.

“Mummy! Wake up!” Oli rattled your back, but you were still unresponsive.

Oli padded out of the room and down to his sisters room where he knew his dad was. Belle was being extra fussy this evening and Harry suspected it had everything to do with you retiring early. He heard Oli come into the room just as he’d gotten Belle down.

“Y’alright buddy?” Harry whispered, tip-toeing out of Belle’s room, leaving the door open slightly, and crouched down in front of him.

“No. Mummy’s not waking up.” Oli pouted, rubbing a tired fist over his eye.

“She’s probably in dreamland, bud. She was really tired today.”

“She’s really tired all of the times.”

“I know, Ol.” Because Harry did know, but he was too much of a coward to face up to the problem. The doctors had said that post natal depression can strengthen with every birthed child, but he was too blind sighted by the fact that you’d overcome the first birthed post natal depression so quickly, and was so in love with his baby girl, that he didn’t truly see how bad things had gotten. Harry had tried giving you some space, distancing himself from you in bed and spending more time with the kids so you could relax and rest up, but nothing seemed to be working. He was surprised, actually, that you’d been having better sleep recently and so was hopeful that maybe the worst of the depression was over.

Hell, was he so wrong.

“Go to bed, bud okay? I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Wake mummy up so she can give me a kiss.”

“I’ll try little man, alright?” Harry scuffed his sons hair and then watched him walk off to his room.

Harry walked into your dark room, the air smelling slightly sour, and walked around to your side of the bed. He sat down next to you sighed heavily. He needed to speak to you, no matter how tired or angry you’d be with him. He was losing you as a wife and a mother and a soulmate and a lover. He was just losing you, just as you were losing yourself and he was doing tip-toeing around the problem any longer. He was going to try and make this better. He was going to better understand how you were feeling in order to help you.

“Baby?” He spoke softly, nudging you gently, “Baby wake up.” No response. “Y/N, my love? Wake up for me darling, need to speak with you.” Normally you would’ve stirred by now but there was still nothing. “Y/N?” Harry shook you a bit more urgently now - one that would surely wake even the deepest of sleepers. “Y/N!” He shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly for the comfort of his children.

He turned you over and that’s when he knew this was very, very, bad.

Your face was pale grey and your mouth was covered in the remains of vomit, and he suddenly understood the gross sour smell from before. Your hair was greasy and stuck all in the wet sick all over your face. Your eyes were puffy from the remains of tears. You looked dead.

“No, no, no. Y/N! No you don’t.” Harry’s eyes starting weeping and he couldn’t think straight. He checked your pulse on your wrist and timed it - it was unhealthily faint. He wouldn’t be surprised if you were in your last beats of your heart. His tears and sobs were uncontrollable, but he had to be both strong for you and his children, as well as for him. “Fuck sake pull yourself together Harry. Okay, baby hold on please. Okay? You don’t get to leave me like this, you hear me? I love you so much, baby. Fuck i’m so sorry.” He gently placed your head back down on the pillow and pulled out his phone.

999

“What’s your emergency?”

“I need a-an ambulance p-please. I-I think my wife i-is dying.”

The rest of it was a blur for Harry. Him trying to wake you up. The ambulance arriving. Oli and Felix crying when they saw you being carried away on a stretcher. Belle’s deafening screams. Harry’s heart beating for the both of you.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

It was the rhythmic beeping sounds that woke you up.

Your whole body felt achey and sore, your head a pounding mess. You opened your eyes slowly, adjusting them to the light of the room. You expected to see the family photo on the wall opposite you and the white of your curtains, but you were met with a heart-monitor machine and a hospital bed instead. You looked down at your body and noticed a cannula in your arm, making you squirm because you hated stuff like that so much. Your nose had a tube running inside it too, feeding you the oxygen your lungs weren’t receiving properly.

It then dawned on you how you weren’t in the room alone. You saw a sleeping Anne and Gemma on the chairs in the far corner, with Felix and Oli tucked against their sides - Anne with Oli and Felix with Gemma. It was so cute to see them so cuddled up close. They looked peaceful. You took note of the baby pram that was at the end of your bed, most likely playing bed to your beautiful daughter. Your mind felt lost. You can’t really remember what had happened, apart from taking four of those sleeping pills. You fully remember the weight of feeling worthless and useless as both a mum and a wife, though, and that feeling was still very prominent.

Your eyes lastly landed to the side of you, where Harry was sat but also laid on your bed. The top of half of his body laid upon the bed, his head buried onto this arm deep within the bed, whilst his bottom stayed rooted to the chair. His hand was holding yours tightly, which was a sign that he wasn’t asleep. You were so scared to face him though. You had failed him, again and again and you weren’t sure whether you could be enough for him anymore. Enough for your family anymore.

You squeezed his hand three times saying ‘I love you.’

“Y/N,” He whispered so hoarsely, but you were so focused on him to even catch it. He looked ruined, and you’d done that to him. His eyes were dark and tired, but also red and puffy from where he’d been crying. His hair was a mess and you could tell it hadn’t been washed in a while. How long had you been out for? You felt rested in your sleep, but not in your mind or your heart.

“I—” Your breathe got caught in your throat, but you persevered to finish your words. He deserved to here them. “I’m sorry.” You were whispering so you didn’t disturb anyone else in the room.

“No, stop it. I’m sorry baby.”

“Harry don’t, you don’t have anyt—”

“Stop yes I do I—”

“Harry please you don’t owe—”

“Y/N listen!” He cut the little volley-conversation and ordered you to just stop. You started crying when you saw that he was too. “Whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Whatever you’re thinking, stop it right now. Because I love you. Fuck, I do. I love you so much that when I found you unconscious in a pile of your own sick thinking you were dead, my only thought was that I wished it were me instead”.

“Harry, you don’t mean—”

“My god Y/N! You don’t get it, do you? I would do anything to switch places with you right now. I would suffer a thousand times over if it meant you were okay. I’d suffer in hell for you. Nobody else but you has ever made me feel like this. I married you because I love you and I want to wake up next to you every day of my beating hearts life. I chose to have children with you, because I knew how great of a mum you’d be and what beautiful people you’d help bring up into the world—”

“But i’m not.” You cut Harry short, trying to pull your hand away from him but he didn’t let you - only tightening his grip and pulling himself closer towards you. He was so close you could kiss him.

“Not what?” He asked, although he already knew the answer. You’d both had this conversation before, but you were both tired of it and were ready for it to be your last now.

“A good mum. I’m- i’m not a good mum or wife, Harry and i’m sorry.”

“I told you not say it and stop thinking it, because you’re completely wrong Y/N. You’re a good mother and a good wife, because you are a good person.”

“But i’m not great.” You whimpered, thinking back to the drawings your Oli and Felix had done. “I’m not the best.”

“But you don’t have to be, baby. You see our beautiful, healthy, happy and safe babies over there?” Harry turned to look at them, love in his eyes as in yours. “They wouldn’t be all those things, no matter how you feel about yourself, without you. I could never have brought them up to be half the people they are without you by my side, the way you make me a better person. You claim you don’t got this, but baby you’re already doing it and have been doing it for 5 years with our children and so much longer with me.”

“I’m just so fucked up Harry.” Your head tilted back on the pillow as you got heavily emotional over the situation.

Harry shook his head and moved his hand to cup the back of your neck, moving your head forwards until it met his. The touch of his skin against yours, no matter where and how small, made you feel alive and you’d missed him and that feeling so much. You missed loving him so much.

“Listen to me.” He ordered, keeping you still. “You are strong and you are brave Y/N Styles. No matter what you tell yourself I will be here every goddamn day of my life, if I have to, to remind you that you are worth more than your fucking weight in gold. You are my heart. You are my soul and the mother to my greatest achievements. I know they are yours too, just as I know I am your heart.

“You are.” You whispered so quietly under your breathe, but Harrys heart warmed when he caught you saying it. He knew though.

“Just let me love you. Let me be there for you. If you want medication then let’s do it, and i’ll be there for every step of the way. If you want to go to a rehabilitation centre for a bit, that’s okay we can—”

You shook your head and licked the tears away from your face. You were both such tearful messes, but the love between you was undeniable. “No, no please, no.”

“Okay, okay, love. We won’t. See, you’re okay. I promise, you’re okay. Stay with me, yeah? I’ll love you and keep you safe, just as you will me.”

“Promise.” You told him sincerely. He brought his lips to yours with that single word. He was so proud of your for being so brave and strong. He wishes he was half the person you were. His lips conveyed those thoughts of his and you could taste the love and passion burning through his heart and out on to his lips. He tasted like home. z he was home. Your lips smacked together messily, but you didn’t care because you loved each other too much and had kissed each other even more. Once you pulled back he stayed close to you, smiling at you with such awe. “I think.. I think I want to try medication please.”

Harry didn’t say ‘okay’ or ‘sure thing’, no. He said four words that meant more to you in that moment that any others in the universe. More than saying ‘I love you.’ Words that reminded you that not everything is okay and that sucks really bad, but you’re doing your best to get through it. It was a reminder that you had so many people who loved you and cared for you. It was a gun at the starting line symbolising that the journey ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but worth it.

“I’m proud of you.”

[secndlife]

pairing: soonyoung x female reader

genre: fluff with a very small hint of angst

summary: {the and} is more than a general interview. it’s an experience that creates a little more space for a lot more openness, honesty and vulnerability - no judgement. 

word count: 4k

warnings: none

a/n: this piece is based on the skin deep’s video series under the same name. you can check all {the and} videos here. the writing format is inspired by @by-moonflower​‘s exes confront each other series. and yes, this is also the mmf couple. i’ve missed them so! 

you: how come you got us into another one of these things?

soonyoung: it’s because we’re charismatic

soonyoung: i mean, i am charismatic

you: oh okay, so you can go ahead and do this alone, right?

producer:

soonyoung: 

you:

soonyoung: okay

you:

soonyoung: nooo, babe! don’t walk away, i’m joking!

you:

soonyoung: 

you: i can’t stand you

soonyoung: you looooove me

you: do we have to introduce ourselves?

soonyoung: i came prepared

soonyoung: where do i look? here?

producer: actually—

soonyoung: hi everyone! i’m soonyoung

producer: you don’t actually—

soonyoung: but you can call me

producer: you don’t—

soonyoung: tiger

producer:

you: oh god

producer: 

you:

soonyoung: how was it? was that good?

producer: oh. you, uh, you don’t actually have to introduce yourself.

soonyoung: i don’t?

producer: nope. we’ll put the information on the screen, so you can just jump right into the questions

you:

soonyoung:

soonyoung: ohhhhhh. right.

you: i won’t even—

soonyoung: please don’t.

soonyoung: so the goal is to be vulnerable, right?

producer: yeah

producer: just to have open and honest conversations based on the questions

soonyoung: should be easy

soonyoung: at least for me

you: why are you looking at me like that?

soonyoung: why do you think?

you: look.

you: i know i can be kind of emotionally constipated sometimes?

you: but i’ll do this right

soonyoung: hm.

you: promise

soonyoung: okay

you:

soonyoung: good girl

you: why would you say that?

soonyoung: you’ll start this one, right?

you: 

soonyoung: why are you sighing? i started the other one

you: stop talking about the other one while we’re here, that’s unprofessional

you: i’m sorry

producer: it’s okay!

you: you’re the worst

soonyoung: don’t say that

you: stop pouting

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung: fine.

you: anyway.

you: oh! that’s a good question.

you: how do you describe our relationship to others?

soonyoung: it is a good one

you: right?

soonyoung: right

you: so

soonyoung: i mean, to be honest i barely have to describe it. everyone knows you and also us as a couple at this point so

you: it’s been a while

soonyoung: yeah!

you: how would you describe it to someone that doesn’t know us, though? to the producers, or viewers, for example

soonyoung: oh. hmmmm

soonyoung: i’d say it’s the best relationship i’ve ever been in

you: awwww

soonyoung: it’s the truth. 

soonyoung: i’d also say we’re not like, super similar. but it works great

you: it does

soonyoung: also that i annoy you a lot

you: you do

soonyoung: you like it though

you: hm.

soonyoung: and that it’s healthy and loving and mature

soonyoung: and fun!

soonyoung: oh! and that you’re basically the love of my life

you: basically?

you: don’t laugh! i’m sad!

soonyoung: noooooo i’m sorry! i’ll give you a kiss, come here

you: 

soonyoung: i’m kidding!

soonyoung: you are the love of my life

you: hm

soonyoung: love you

you:

soonyoung: c’mon, say it back

you:

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung:

you: love you too

soonyoung: now without rolling your eyes

soonyoung: i’m excited

you: when are you not excited?

soonyoung: when i have to do laundry

you: true

soonyoung: okay, the question is

soonyoung: if you could go back to our first date, what advice would you give yourself regarding being with me?

you: oh. wow. okay

you: this is kinda hard though

soonyoung: so no comments?

you: of course i have comments, just gimme a minute 

soonyoung:

you: maybe that being with you requires energy? so to just, be prepared for that?

soonyoung:

you: don’t make that face! let me finish

soonyoung:

you: you’re super energetic, and you can get a little crazy, but—

soonyoung: i don’t like where this is going

you: shush! 

soonyoung:

you: you can get crazy, but it’s a good crazy. like, the type of crazy that gives me butterflies and makes me wanna be around you all the time, even when i’m tired

soonyoung: hm.

you: before you, i was, i don’t know, maybe a little too much of a homebody. i needed movement

you: you push me outside my comfort zone and that requires energy, but it’s one of my favorite things about us

you: about you

soonyoung: good save

you: shut up

you: my turn

soonyoung: yes, it is

you: oh. this will be nice

you: if you could relive one moment from our relationship forever, what would it be and why?

soonyoung: hmmmm

you: don’t you dare say—

soonyoung: all of them

you: noooooo

soonyoung: it’s the truth!

you: shut up!

you: you can’t do that. pick one

soonyoung: i can’t do it

you: you have to

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung: urgh. let me think

you: yeah, think. but it has to be a good one

soonyoung: of course it’s gonna be a good one

you:

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung: oh! i know it!

you: what is it?

soonyoung: when we were at krys’ party, and you accidentally called me your boyfriend even though we weren’t official yet

you: uh? that?

soonyoung: don’t talk about it like that. it’s a good moment

you: i was mortified when i realized it

soonyoung: i know

you: why that though? we have so many other memories for you to choose from

soonyoung: i’m the one that had to choose so.

you: okay, but why?

soonyoung: because that was when i realized i loved you

you:

soonyoung: like, i kinda knew it? but that day it really hit me. it wasn’t like ‘oh i like you’. it was a full-on ‘i love you and i love you so damn much and i don’t ever wanna be away from you’ type of thing

you:

soonyoung: wait, why do you look like you’re about to cry? babeeeeee

you: because i didn’t know that and that was really cute

soonyoung: i thought you knew

you: i didn’t

soonyoung: like it was just this weird but so fucking good type of feeling and i’ve never felt exactly like that again, so i would like to relive it

you:

soonyoung: awwww! babeeeeeee! you’re crying crying

you: i forgot to put on waterproof mascara, fuck

soonyoung: i’ll get you a tissue

you: it’s okay, i’m fine. we’re fine. everything’s fine

soonyoung: you’re so cute when you’re crying

you: soonyoung

soonyoung: what?

soonyoung: you good?

you: yeah, i’m fine

soonyoung: okay. love you

you: love you too

soonyoung: let me get a card

soonyoung: oh, i love this one!

you: 

soonyoung: when do i make you laugh the most?

you: oh

you: okay, i’m gonna be cheesy because i know you love it and because it’s actually the truth

soonyoung: are you gonna say ‘all the time’?

you: all the time

soonyoung: i knew it

you: like you’re one of the funniest people i’ve ever met and i’m never not laughing when i’m with you

you: even when you’re not trying to be you’re funny and that is one of my favorite things about you, really

soonyoung: i really am super funny

you: you are

soonyoung: nice!

soonyoung: high-five!

you: card time

soonyoung: yup!

you: oh. i think it’s getting kinda deeper now

soonyoung: let’s fucking go!

soonyoung: stop rolling your eyes at me

you: so.

you: if you could give me anything in the world, what would it be and why?

soonyoung: okay, yeah, deeper

soonyoung: it’s not difficult, though

you: okay?

soonyoung: i’d give you confidence

you: you’re gonna make me cry again

soonyoung: well then get a tissue

soonyoung: you’re the most amazing person i’ve ever met, and it kinda breaks my heart to see you doubting yourself in whatever way

you:

soonyoung: you’re so so so beautiful and hardworking and smart and caring and sometimes i think you don’t see that and i just. i wish you could see yourself with my eyes and all that cheesy talk

you:

soonyoung: here, take a tissue

you:

soonyoung: like, i love you more than anything and i’m always happy to reassure you, but i really wish i could give you the confidence that would make you see yourself like the sexy badass you are

soonyoung: see, i made you laugh

you:

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung: wanna say something?

you: yeah, i. uh. i. 

soonyoung: it’s okay, take a deep breath

you: urgh. okay

soonyoung: okay

you: this is such a sensitive topic

soonyoung: i’m sorry

you: it’s not your fault, don’t worry

soonyoung:

you: okay

you: i just want to say that you’ve already helped me so much with this. like, i think you have no actual idea

you: i still have a long way to go, but you’re the biggest reason i’ve made progress on that. because, fuck, the things you make me feel. soo, really

you: i think i can spend hours talking about it and i wouldn’t be able to properly express it, you know?

soonyoung: i’m glad i was able to help, babe

you: i just want you to know that i really appreciate you and the effort you put into making me feel loved and worthy and beautiful and just. yeah. all that

soonyoung: happy to do it

you: i love you

soonyoung: love you too

soonyoung: need another tissue? you kinda look like a panda

you: great

you: moving on

soonyoung: moving on

you: you look so cute today

soonyoung:

you: like so cute

soonyoung: i know but.

soonyoung: what’s with the sudden compliment?

you: am i not allowed to compliment you?

you: awww, you’re blushing

soonyoung: shut up!

you: so cute

soonyoung: stop talking

you: cute

soonyoung: the question!

you:

soonyoung: what have you learned from me?

soonyoung: i’m actually curious

you: you are?

soonyoung: yeah, so go on

you: right

you: i’ve learned a lot to be honest

soonyoung: hm

you: but today, i think i’ll say i’ve definitely learned how to take things easier

soonyoung: interesting

you: you’re just. lighter? and brighter in general 

soonyoung: yeah, i don’t have something up my ass all the time

you: soonyoung.

you: stop smiling

soonyoung: i’m sorry. please continue

you:

you: having you around showed me how some things don’t have to be too serious and that it’s okay to let go of control

you: like when we have to get serious you get serious, so i think you have a good balance on things, and you’ve taught me that as well 

soonyoung: i’m awesome, huh?

you: you are

soonyoung: knew it

soonyoung: how many questions do we have left? 

you: this one and three more

soonyoung: hmkay

you: oh god.

you: i already know you’re gonna whine. and a lot

soonyoung: bring it

you: how do you think our lives would be different if we never met?

soonyoung: nope. no. not answering

you: it’s just a question

soonyoung: i don’t care. i don’t like to think about it

you: babe

soonyoung: like in my head us not meeting would never be a possibility

you:

soonyoung: doki would date josh anyway, and then we would meet one way or another so

you: what if i had never met doki?

soonyoung: can you stop?

you: it’s not me! it’s the question!

soonyoung: no

you: you have to

soonyoung: 

you:

soonyoung:

you: babe.

soonyoung: okay, fine! if we had never met, i would just be sad and single

you: you would not be single

soonyoung: i would because if it’s not you then i’m not dating anyone

you: you would not know me though 

soonyoung: 

you: come on, get serious

soonyoung: i don’t want to

you:

soonyoung: fine.

you:

soonyoung: i just honestly think i’d be sad. and less mature

soonyoung: you made me grow a lot so

you: right

soonyoung: i also think i probably wouldn’t perform. you’re the main reason i started going for that besides choreography 

you: that would’ve been awful because you were literally born for that

soonyoung:

you: i remember when i first saw you on a stage. god. that was just. wow

you: that would’ve been my relive moment

you: i get chills just thinking about it

soonyoung: stop it, i get shy

you: cute

you: my star boyfriend that in another universe maybe would not be my boyfriend because we wouldn’t have met

soonyoung: babe!

soonyoung: now i’m sad thinking about it. happy?

you: you’re so dramatic

soonyoung: am not

soonyoung: also

you: what?

soonyoung: i should talk about you too, no? 

you: what do you mean?

soonyoung: it says ‘our lives’, right?

you: uhhh. yeah. yeah, ‘our lives’

soonyoung: so i think i should also talk about how your life would be if we haven’t met

you: oh! okay. go on

soonyoung: you would not be single

you: why do you think that?

soonyoung: because you’re a fucking catch

soonyoung: like you have a great personality and you’re also super sexy so i just know you wouldn’t be single

you: you have to remember i was very constipated before you showed up

soonyoung: right

you: you kinda broke the spell and made me date again so

soonyoung: you’re making my ego grow a little

you: is it not big enough already?

soonyoung:

soonyoung: as i said, i don’t think you’d be single

soonyoung: but i do think you’d be dating some sort of douchebag 

you: please explain

soonyoung: just. someone that fights a lot? and that is even more of a guarded person compared to you. and that is too collected

you: like my ex?

soonyoung: like your ex

you: right

soonyoung: not him because i know you wouldn’t get back together even if i wasn’t in the picture

you: i wouldn’t

soonyoung: but someone kinda like him

you: okay. i’ll take that

you: anything else?

soonyoung: you’d probably work waaaay more than you should. i keep you in check about that

soonyoung: i’d also like to think you wouldn’t be this fun

soonyoung: or happy

you: so i would be sad?

soonyoung: you could be happy. just not… too happy? 

you: i probably wouldn’t

you: i wouldn’t be with you so

soonyoung: that’s the spirit

you: take a card

soonyoung: okay

you: okay

soonyoung: oh. even deeper

you: right

soonyoung: what do you think i need from you and do you provide it?

you: oh. oh. so we’re going that deep

soonyoung: apparently we are

you: wow, this question sucks

soonyoung: you don’t have to answer

you: shush, of course i will

soonyoung:

you: i think you need support and reassurance and indulgence 

soonyoung: agreed

you: support wise, i think we’re covered

soonyoung: we are

you: reassurance. yeah. uh.

you: i think on your end it’s different from the level of reassurance i need. yours is more linked to trust issues rather than other internal stuff? and to your past relationships

soonyoung: yup, true

you: and honestly speaking, i do think i’ve failed to provide you with enough reassurance at some point

you: i think i should’ve toned down the banter earlier and just made sure you knew how much i love and appreciate you in a way that would reassure you instead of making you feel self-conscious and insecure about us 

soonyoung: well

soonyoung: i do enjoy our banter. i’ve always enjoyed it. but yeah, i get what you’re saying

you: yeah. i love our banter too, i just think it didn’t help to keep it that often for so long

soonyoung: yeah

you: when we had that talk about it some time ago, i felt genuinely bad because i didn’t really want for you to feel like i don’t love you. like, ever

soonyoung: i know

you: so after that i realized i had to shape the way i show my affection a bit differently so it fits your needs better 

you: and so you can also get what you need from our relationship

soonyoung: that’s very mature of you

you: thanks, soo

you: like, i know it must’ve sucked for you, so i’m sorry

soonyoung: we’re good

you: hmkay. good

you: and as for indulgence. same, i think?

you: you can be a bit out of control while i’m more on the other side of the spectrum, so at some point i was super afraid i was being a bitch and just not letting you be yourself

soonyoung: babeeee! you’re not a bitch

you: i think this was also something i’ve learned from you, like i said earlier. how to let go of control and all that. so then i realized i have to get more on board with your things too, even if they’re a bit too much for me sometimes

soonyoung: my honest thoughts?

you: yes

soonyoung: i never really paid attention to that, especially as honestly everything always felt great

soonyoung: but then it hit me together with the whole reassurance thing. because in my head it was kinda the same? it had to do with who i am and sometimes i just wondered if who i am was someone you didn’t like anymore

you: right

soonyoung: like if you weren’t really engaging and indulging me then in my head that was a sign that maybe you didn’t love me, and then it was a domino effect

soonyoung: when i randomly hugged you and you rolled your eyes at first and called me needy, and only after that you smiled, i started to think  like ‘damn, did her feelings change or something?’

soonyoung: i knew it wasn’t that, but it was just a bunch of bad and weird feelings piling up

you: i know

you: i’m really sorry

soonyoung: it’s okay, we’re over that

you: i think i got too comfortable considering we had been together for a while and also because i just always assumed you knew what exactly was my point with the banter and all that

soonyoung: i mean, rationally i did know

soonyoung: but it started to make me feel weird and it made me think back on my past relationships

you: mm-hmm

you: in the end i guess it goes back to adjusting the way i show things and doing it in a way that fits you as well

soonyoung: i agree

soonyoung: and i appreciate that you adjusted 

you: happy to do it

soonyoung: we’re like grown-ups, aren’t we? talking things out and being vulnerable

you: we totally are

soonyoung:

you: see, i’m indulging. i got better

soonyoung: you still haven’t tried the tiger costume though

you: soonyoung!

you: we’re almost done

soonyoung: almost

you: aw, this will be cute

you: when were you the most in love with me?

soonyoung: why am i the only one being forced to choose specific moments among like, years of relationship? that’s not fair

you: it’s not that hard, babe

soonyoung: of course it is. not to brag, but we’re awesome and there’s just so much to choose from

you: we have a pretty solid relationship, don’t we?

soonyoung: we do and that’s why i can’t choose

you: soonyoung…

soonyoung: fine! 

soonyoung: but know this isn’t the only one because first of all we still have a lot ahead of us

you: yup

soonyoung: and also because there were a lot of other moments we’ve experienced and that i was very much in love with you, okay?

you: yeah, love

soonyoung: for the effect of this video, i’ll say our first new year’s together

you: really?

soonyoung: yeah. you know i really like japan and being there with you at that moment was pretty awesome

you: it was a good one

soonyoung: like i remember right before midnight we were all set and just waiting, and it was cold and, i don’t know, the way you looked when the fireworks started to pop and the way you looked at me that day

soonyoung: my heart tingled

soonyoung: and i remember you telling me i make you feel really loved so vividly and that just hit different

you: wow. i. i didn’t expect that

soonyoung: i can be profound

you: that was a really good choice

you: you’ve mentioned this trip multiple times so i kinda knew it was a thing for you but not to this extent, i guess

soonyoung: now you know

you: now i know

soonyoung: last one, babe

you: last one!

soonyoung: how you feeling?

you: pretty good? this was really nice

you: how about you?

soonyoung: same, i enjoyed it

you: good

soonyoung: good

you: okay, so ask it

soonyoung: oh. okay. okay.

soonyoung: i guess we’re ending with a bang

you: good bang?

soonyoung: deep bang

you: i mean that’s the purpose so i guess it makes sense

soonyoung: okay then. here it goes

soonyoung: if this were to be our last conversation, what’s something you’d never want me to forget?

you:

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung:

you: wow.

soonyoung: right?

you: i get teary-eyed just thinking about it, what the fuck

soonyoung: you’re so sensitive today. like out of the ordinary sensitive

you: leave me alone

soonyoung: are you about to get your period?

you: babe!

soonyoung: sorry

soonyoung: moving on

you: right

you: oof

you: honestly, i’d just want you to know that i really truly love you? 

you: sometimes i think love doesn’t really capture everything, but that’s the word we have so

you: and also how thankful i am to share my life with someone like you

soonyoung: babyyyy! don’t cryyyy

you: oof. okay. i can do this without crying

you: okay so

you: you’ve given me so much like. you made me feel so many things i thought i’d never get to feel in this lifetime

you: you make me feel so loved, and you’re such a beautiful person and i’ll always be grateful for you choosing to spend your life by my side

you: maybe i can’t do this without crying

soonyoung: you shouldn’t cry. you’ll get all puffy and won’t like it even though i’ll think you look super pretty

you: shush! i’m trying to be cute and just a loving cheesy girlfriend

soonyoung: sorry, please proceed

you: anyway

you: i’m really glad i got to answer this because i want to take every chance i get to remind you how important you are and how much i love you

you: you’re it for me and i’m just really happy i found you

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung:

soonyoung: wow

soonyoung: i’m kinda speechless, not gonna lie

you: then just get me a tissue while you process it

soonyoung: here you go

you: thanks

soonyoung:

you:

soonyoung: i just. i really love you

you: i know

soonyoung: i think you’ve said it all and i’m just happy to have you 

you: i’m not a property

soonyoung: don’t ruin this! you know what i mean!

you: sorry, i just had to

soonyoung: anyway

soonyoung: i just know you’re the person i’ll always love like, this is a once-in-a-lifetime type of thing and i’m happy you’re the one that represents that to me

you: now i won’t stop crying

soonyoung: i’m sorryyyy! stand up and give me a hug

you:

soonyoung:

you: i love you

soonyoung: love you too

you:

soonyoung:

you: wow, so we’ll really end it like this? 

soonyoung: i mean

you: what if people think we’re those disgustingly in love couples? 

soonyoung: we kinda are

you: don’t say that to me

soonyoung: you’ve become what you despise

you: nooooooo!!!

you: is that true? are we one of those couples?

producer:

you: 

producer: we’re not supposed to interact or affect the interview

you:

soonyoung: bullshit, he just doesn’t want to make you feel bad

you: oh my god, i can’t believe this

you: do you think people will comment like, vomit emojis?

soonyoung: that’s definitely a possibility

soonyoung: seungkwan will probably say something like ‘you two are disgusting, i hope you get well soon’

you: and a heart emoji

soonyoung: and a heart emoji

soonyoung: and then he’ll say you look cute

soonyoung: as he should

you: wait.

you: how many times did we way ‘i love you’?

soonyoung: dunno?

soonyoung: but probably more than you’d like. at least on tape

you: oh god.

a/n: so!!!! the other day mmf turned 1 and that made me miss them a whole lot. so the other day i sat down and wrote another “interview” type of thing with by favorite couple. mmf 2 is still a thought, i’m just a bit stuck on that but ! one day ! who knows ! anyway! tbh this format is super entertaining to me so i hope you guys will like it too hehe this one shows a different side of them, something more vulnerable etc! hehe! as usual, my askbox is always open for anything. so yeah!! enjoy this babes mwah

[realcube]

saying things they don’t mean during an argument

 navi | masterlist | taglist 

thank you to anon for this request <3

characters ♡ msby black jackals (hinata, sakusa, atsumu, bokuto)

content warning ♡ angst, hurt to comfort, fluff, swearing, crying, adoption  (sakusa’s) & suffocation (?)

kōtarō bokuto 

♡ you sighed, crossing your arms over your chest - you knew he was a bit boyish sometimes but you never expected him to be so childish in regards to a simple request

♡ ‘bokuto, i have so much on my plate!’ you cried, tightly gripping the sheets underneath you, ‘planning the wedding, going to work, doing almost every chore in this damn house and filing all our fucking taxes!’

♡ you momentarily paused to look at him, expecting a look of sympathy but instead getting an eyeroll which prompted you to continue, ‘and all i am asking for is you to run a few errands! that’s it! why are you so opposed? i thought you enjoyed grocery shopping?!’

♡ bokuto pulled his night-shirt over his head as he stormed to his side of the bed, ‘it’s not fun without you!’  he whined childishly, plopping himself down next to you and gasping when you had the audacity to shuffle away from him

♡ ‘it’s not supposed to be fun, bokuto!’ you yelled, completely fed-up with him at this point, ‘a few errands, that’s all i ask of you!’

♡ bokuto notices how your voice shook and your lashline glistened; he didn’t want you to cry so he begrudgingly gave it, but with a strong comment to go along with it so you knew that he really didn’t want to 

♡ 'fine! i don't need you anyway!'

♡ then proceeded to dramatically pull the duvet over himself and pout, averting his gaze to the wall opposite 

♡ in this context, he hoped that you’d understand his comment and not take him too seriously but since you were already on the verge of tears, this simply pushed you over the edge

♡ you buried your face in your hands and hid under the blanket in hopes he didn’t realise you were crying but his senses are just different when it comes to you so try stifle that sob all you want, he’s still going to hear it and he’s still going to instantly pull you into his arms while frantically apologising 

♡ ‘please don’t cry, (y/n)! i really didn’t mean it- i do need you! i love you so much, my life wouldn’t be the same without you! you do so much for me and i am so sorry for not showing you how grateful i am! like you’re so pretty and kind and talented and smart - only geniuses can do taxes - so i’m just so lucky to be with you and i can’t wait until we’re married. please, don’t leave!’

♡ eventually his praise slowly became pleas as he begged for you not to leave/hate him

♡ he does not want to lose you bc of a silly comment he made-

♡ eventually his endless pleas started to become more than background noise to your sobs, so you finally hugged him back, whispering, ‘i can’t wait to marry you too, kō.’

♡ this action lifted a massive weight off his chest and he let out an audible sigh of relief, his grip on you loosening, ‘mhm, and of course, i’ll run the errands, babe. i suppose, it’s the least i could do.’

♡ you hummed in agreement, glad that a part of your mental stress had been relieved, allowing you to finally relax in his arms and perhaps doze off in his loving embrace 

♡ ...

♡ ‘mm, you smell like marshmallows, (y/n)- can i add marshmallows to the shopping list?’

kiyoomi sakusa

♡ he spoke as if you were making some crazy, otherworldly request but in reality, all you were asking was for him to take paternity leave to help you care for the baby 

♡ you’re not really a baby-expert so you thought that sakusa would be happy to stay home and learn how to care for the child with you - as a couple, as a team 

♡ but he was extremely opposed to the idea, spewing out a much of nonsense as to why he needs to go to work, but a part of believed that he just didn’t want to deal with his child - or maybe, he didn’t want to deal with you

♡ ‘sakusa, how do you expect me to raise a whole baby on my own! they need a lot of attention - i don’t think you understand how big of a commitment this is, you can’t treat it like a hobby!’ you cried, having long before burst into tears because your mind told you the worse - that he didn’t actually love you, he lied about wanting a kid, he lied when he said ‘i do’.

♡ usually during arguments when he notices that you’ve started to cry, he’ll drop everything he was doing to shuffle over to you and wrap you in arms, then whisper sweet-nothings into your ear until you feel better but today, he showed little consideration to your emotions as he continued pacing through the living room while you bawled your eyes out on the couch

♡ ‘i thought you loved (c/n)! you were so gentle around them but it turns out you’re not even willing to take a paternity leave to help take care of them!’

♡ ‘what happened to the man i married?’

♡ ‘kiyoomi, you need to revaluate yourse--’

♡ you wouldn’t allow him to get a word in, which was probably for the best considering he had nothing good to say 

♡ but you were forced to cut yourself off when heard the sound of shattering so you immediately search for the source of the noise and there stood sakusa, his hand resting on the decorative table in the place your framed wedding photo once was - now, it was laying smashed on the ground surrounded by it’s own glass shards

♡ he pushed it off like the petty bastard he was

♡ while you sat stunned, staring the mess he just voluntarily made, he quickly turned on his heel and strolled away at a leisurely pace, 'my life was a lot easier before you entered it.'

♡ that was the last you heard of it for the next three days - you were giving each other the silent treatment 

♡ you couldn’t have any sort of grain for three whole days bc they are all on the top shelf and you usually make him grab it for you but you refused to talk to him- 

♡ you were the first one to break it though as you noticed that he hadn’t went to work for the last three days and curiosity got the better of you 

♡ ‘kiyoomi.’ you called out to him from the kitchen but he didn’t even look up from his book - ‘parenting for dummies’ - causing you to scoff, ‘why aren’t you going to work? did something happen?’

♡ finally, he sighed and shifted his gaze off his book but only to shoot you demeaning look, as if you were stupid, ‘paternity leave, duh.’

♡ the corners of your lips twitched into a smile, which you quickly forced away when you recalled the events that occurred three days ago and the hurtful things he said, instinctively looking over at the decorative table to remind yourself of what he did 

♡ but to your surprise, the picture was no longer laying on the ground, pooling in shards of glass but rather, it sit on the table with a brand new frame - which had both of your initials engraved onto it along with the date of the ceremony

♡ you didn’t need to choke out an inquiry as sakusa noticed your stunned expression and answered on his own, ‘i bought a new frame. i hope you like it.’

♡ of course you liked it; this one was a chic black with silver decals which matched your living room aesthetic way better than the other, tacky blue one did - plus, this one was customised which made you love it even more

♡ ‘i do. i really do. but i don’t like your attitude lately.’ you muttered, shaking your head as you waddled over to the couch 

♡ sakusa was quick to wrap his arms around your waist and pull you down next to him, ‘i’m sorry, love.’ his voice cracked slightly as he whispered in your ear, ‘i cannot put into words how much harder my life would be without you. i just..hope you understand.’

♡ it’s not that sakusa was bad with words; he was just too emotional and overwhelmed to produce a long, coherent sentiment for you so he just prayed that you recognized that everything he said on that day was meaningless

♡ ‘i love you, (y/n).’

atsumu miya

♡ you rolled your eyes, ignoring him and continuing to type your essay until atsumu slammed your laptop closed

♡ ‘please, (y/n)! you know how much this means to me! i’ve been waiting for this festival for years!’

♡ you scoffed, folding your arms and patiently waiting for him to move his filthy hand off your laptop, ‘i do and i’m proud of you. but i have a lecture that day and my exams are just around the corner - and you know how much my education means to me.’

♡ atsumu had to take a moment to suppress a gag at how sickening and condescending your tone was, ‘it’s just one lecture, (y/n)! you’re not going to fail your exams because you missed one lectu--’

♡ ‘you don’t know that.’

♡ atsumu blinked twice, a unimpressed expression painted on his face as he let out a sigh, realising there was no possible way he’s going to be able to get through to you - i mean, he’s been trying for the last 20 minutes to no avail

♡ he ran his hand through his hairs, turning on his heel, heading towards the door and left

♡ but not before peering over his shoulder to shoot you a nasty glare and spitting, ‘you’re so selfish. you can’t even do one thing that’d make me happy - you never can.’

♡ that was the final thing he said to you for the next....20 minutes 

♡ that’s actually a new record for him - usually he storms out of the room, sulks for a minute or two then renters to beg for your forgiveness 

♡ but not today. he was so mad that he needed 20 whole minutes to cool down and come to his senses

♡ but once he did, when he came back into the room, he expected to see you typing your essay or studying as usual since his words don’t usually effect you too much 

♡ so of course he was shocked when he slipped back into your shared bedroom to see you with the duvet tossed over your whole figure, faint sobs coming from underneath 

♡ his immediate reaction was to pull the blanket away and offer himself as your source of heat, so he wrapped you in his muscular embrace, ‘b-babe.’ he stuttered, eyes-wide as he never would’ve thought you’d take his words seriously, ‘are you okay?’

♡ he knew that was a stupid question but he simply asked it to determine how sad you were - and considering you weren’t able to babble out a reply, that wasn’t a good sign

♡ ‘you’re not selfish.’ he reassured you while rubbing circles on your back, ‘if anything, i was being selfish- and nothing makes me as happy as you do, (y/n). i- i really didn’t mean it.’

♡ he paused only to place a kiss on the top of your head, ‘i love you- and to show you how much i love you..i’ll drop you off at your lecture on that day, and take you to the festival afterwards; does that sound good?’

♡ you were finally able to choke out a response but only to explain how unachievable his idea was, ‘my lecture finishes at 5 and the festival ends at 7, and there is a 45 minute drive between the two- you’re only going to be able to spend a little over an hour there.’

♡ ‘and i’ll have a blast in that time!’

♡ you sighed, your lips twitching into a small smile as you buried your face into his chest as you really couldn’t look him in the eye, ‘and why can’t you just go without me again?’ 

♡ ‘who the fuck am i going to play dance dance revolution against if you don’t come?’

shōyo hinata 

♡ you crossed your arms over your chest, internally regretting ever opening your mouth to try calm down fiancé as now, not only is he even more angry, but also most of his anger with now directed at you rather than manager, like it was previously 

♡ eventually, you started to develop a headache from all his screaming and shouting so you politely asked him to calm down, to which he replied, ‘calm down?! you’re the one who made me mad with your rude-ass comment and now you’re telling me to calm down?!’

♡ you preferred it when he was demanding for you to say ‘butt’ instead of ‘ass’ because now that’s he spent more time with bokuto, he’s started swearing more often and to be honest, it’s scary when a 5″4 ginger sunshine is yelling at you, calling you a ‘rude-ass’

♡ ‘shōyō, if i’m completely honest, i have no idea why what i said was so mean and i have no idea what’s going on- why are you so mad at your manager?’

♡ suddenly, he twisted his neck to look at you as if you had just been possessed, ‘what?’ he inquired in a hushed tone, his voice hoarse and oddly sinister  

♡ you quirked a brow, too tired of his constant bitching to pay attention to his tone of voice, ‘yeah, you speak too fast, shōyō.’ you said with a shrug, checking your nails to ensure that he knew that you truly did not care about how he scowled at you, ‘plus, i just don’t understand why this gets you so worked up - i try, i really do, but i guess your volleyball problems just go over my head.’

♡ hinata clenched his fist, realising that he wasn’t going to make any progress by complaining to you. he whipped his head away before storming off, not even sparing you a final glance, ‘you just don’t get it; you don’t understand anything i say and you don’t even make a fucking effort! you just think you are so much better than everyone - well, you’re not! try coming back down to reality with the rest of us, and then we can talk.’

♡ followed by a slam of the door which rattled through the whole apartment

♡ you really had never seen hinata so angry before in your 6 years of being together 

♡ the words he said were far from pleasant and a part of you wondered in he genuinely meant them, perhaps he had been supressing those thoughts for ages and now that he was finally mad, he could let it all out

♡ though you tried to reassure yourself that everyone says things they don’t mean when they are angry, but the tears started flowing on their own

♡ hinata didn’t plan on seeing you for another few hours as he had the idea of heading over to bokuto’s, have a drink and cool down but when he hopped out the shower, he realised he had left his phone in the bedroom - where he left you. 

♡ begrudgingly, he slid into the room with the intention of grabbing his phone then leaving but that went to shit when he noticed that you were bundled up under the blankets, and he could hear distant sniffles coming from underneath

♡ and hinata only has four moods: mad asf, happy asf, loving you & volleyball...asf

♡ so upon seeing you in such a state, presumably because of what he said, elicited his mood to change from ‘mad asf’ to ‘loving you’ 

♡ he pounced on you, causing you to fall sideways and squeal but he simply did not give a fuck

♡ ‘baby! i am so sorry! i didn’t think what i said would make you cry!’ he blubbered, or at least, that’s what it sounded like since you couldn’t actually see him due to the fact he had trapped you under the blankets, ‘i don’t know why i even said that! you’re not like that at all- i don’t think of you like that!’

♡ he paid little regard for your pleas of mercy as you squirmed frantically under the blanket, trying to escape his grip and body weight. he simply continued babbling on about how sorry he was and how amazing you are, ‘you are down here with the rest of us - i just said for no reason. please don’t be mad! you are - what does bokuto call it again? - oh! a humble--’

♡ ‘shōyō! i’ll forgive you if you get off me right now - i can hardly breathe!’

[caspercryptid]

Fake dating AU ~

🕊️ Twitter — 📖 Ao3 — ☕ Ko-Fi — 📖 Fic Index

8/15 fake dating aus, now, I think?? We're doing musician jayce and actor silco again, and thank you for playing!

CWs: vague references to biphobia.

___

You’ve reached the voicemail box of— well, hopefully you know who you’ve called. If I’m not around call my agent or call Cait or call... back. Later. Just realized there’s no point in being coy since anyone crazy enough to get my phone number knows my voice? So yeah this is Jayce. Actually i’ll probably rerecord this la—

*Beep*

“Hey, Talis. This is Sevika, calling on behalf of Silco. Noticed you’re having a little snafu with the press. As it happens, Silco’s also having a...personal hiccup, and we think you two can help each other. Don’t mention this call to anyone. Call me back.”

“—Okay, so let me get this straight,” Jayce says. He’s standing with his hands on the back of the chair in front of Silco’s desk, because there is no way he’s just sitting down in front of Silco’s desk like they’re having a business meeting. Not about this. He’s not doing this. “You want to— date.”

“For the press.” Silco clarifies, calmly, lounging back in his chair.

“But you need me to move in with you.”

“You have achieved second grade English competence.”

“I have audio processing problems,” Jayce snaps. “It’s the ADHD. Humor me. You want me to date you, move in with you, and in exchange you’re generously offering me the chance to forever put to bed the accusations of faking being bi for attention, and end the attempts to pry a lot further into my dating history. Which, I’ll admit, is tempting. Now. What’s your angle?”

Silco eyes him, but he doesn’t repeat the mockery, blessedly.

“I’m adopting a child.” he says, and that throws Jayce for a loop.

“—What?”

Silco hisses out a breath. “I’ve gotten custody of— a little girl. I’m not concerned about the legal side, but I am... aware. Of my reputation. Playing a villain in movies does not... endear me. To the general population. I would like to soften the press’s reaction, because it seems as though a lot of negative press very quickly could have consequences I wouldn’t care for, and may make it difficult for...her. Later. To make friends.”

“—and you think I—”

“You have one of the softer reputations in music. You produce a lot of vapid pop. You’re well liked. And you would like to clear up the mess around your reputation, and from my glance into your history, you’re intelligent.”

Silco pauses, like he’s considering his next sentence carefully, and Jayce waits him out.

“She’s interested in science,” he says, finally. “Specifically physics. And she’s a fan of yours already. You could be a tolerable co-parent, or at least a passable tutor. You’re the only logical choice.”

Jayce hears co-parent and has to take a breath, but before he can even think about what he’s saying, it’s coming out of his mouth.

“Okay,” He says, “When can I meet her?”

SIlco waves an NDA at him, and he thinks, distantly, as he signs it, that he really should have thought this through.

But, well. It’s a kid. How can he say no to that?

Hopefully this doesn’t go terribly.

[neocrush]

— the girl groups enhypen’s gfs are in !

genre: fluff (angst on jungwon’s part) + established relationship (eventually lol)

pairings: idol!enhypen x fem!idol!reader

note: idk how to title this pls i thought of it while showering

tagging: @jeminiepabo @strwberrydinosaur

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

you just finished performing and your members were in need of water bottles

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

but fucking mnet didn’t provide any inside of your dressing room??

so yves told you to ask for some from the artist in the dressing room next to yours

you knocked on the door without looking at the sign that showed who was in there

you asked for some water bottles and heeseung went “i’ll go get it!” and ran off to go get get them

jungwon just chuckled and went “hyung’s a really huge fan of your group, he kept on singing star on the way here”

you nodded at the younger one, impressed at the fact that you were popular among idols

the tall boy came back with a whole box full of water bottles

“there’s 12 of you here right now so i figured why not get a whole box” he chuckled nervously

you giggled and smiled at the nervous boy

“thank you heeseung-ssi, i’ll take this to my members” you took the box in your hands but was taken aback on how heavy it was

“don’t worry i’ll carry it for you”

long after that you started hanging out and boom you became his gf

you couldn’t resist the charms of lee heeseung

once it was revealed that you were a couple, orbits and engenes went INSANE (in a good way ofc)

“wait so y/n DOESNT hate men????”

★ jay - aespa

OMG OMG LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS BBY

you both met at school after you both debuted

everyone was gossiping around about how you were in the same class with the enhas

so like... monster rookies class

usually idols aren’t seated together but the teacher seated you and jay next to each other

causing a bunch of “oooohhhs” from your classmates

there were times were you and the enhas would leave school early due to practice or schedules

and on the way to the school gate, jay would always spark up a conversation with you

you assumed he was just very friendly

long story short he had a massive crush on you

so a few months into your friendship (which the both of you were very open about with your fans), he confesses

you were like “WAIT SO IT WASNT ONE SIDED THE WHOLE TIME”

y’all were just really blind lol pls read between the lines

anyways on to ur lovely bf !!

he’s so bold and brave around you but so shy around your members and seniors

we all know how he really respects nct (along with other sm artists) bc he covered the 7th sense with sunghoon on iland

so one day you were like “oh btw i showed taeyong sunbae you and hoon’s t7s cover”

he was like 😟 to 😧 to 😯

got all shy and was like “oh what did he say..”

you don’t know why he was acting as if he didn’t body that whole performance ????

anyway you told him that taeyong said that he and hoon did really well and that he liked how jay did his part

hid his face on the crook of your neck

“baby we should come say hi to them next time you go to sm”

“NO i will make a fool out of myself”

speaks english and japanese with giselle a lot when he isn’t occupied with you

sometimes you’d even have to ask nct’s shotaro to translate

your seniors (especially exo’s kai) adore him so so much pls protect the boy at all costs

★ jake - everglow

he was an active viewer of produce 48 and (like me) was really attached to the yuehua trainees

especially you

so when you got eliminated just before the last episode, he was devastated to say the least

he awaited your debut and when the time came he supported everglow !!!!

LOVED BON BON CHOCOLAT SO MUCH

does the killing part choreo in his room when no one’s watching lol

dies everytime you do the little “everglow” in songs

right so when he debuted in enha, he looked forward to meeting you as an idol and not a fan

when you shared a dressing room at kcontact, he couldn’t help but introduce himself to you

he mentioned he was a big fan and your heart warmed

cute boy is a fan of you? omg heart go brr brr

your members tease you and you just shake it off

that day when you got back to the dorms, you watched a bunch of enhypen videos bc you were interested in jake

you weren’t aware of how popular you were among people - let alone idols so you were surprised

you fell in love with his personality and started saying hi to him whenever you meet backstage at music shows

not long after, you develop feelings for him

you thought it was just a puppy crush but as you saw him even more, it got serious

you never actually confessed but aisha accidentally spilled the beans when he was passing by

“cmon y/n just tell him you like him because he clearly feels the same !!”

“you like me?”

“AISHA”

“that’s my queue to leave”

so she leaves you two to pour your hearts out to each other

you two become a couple and forevergenes (such a cute name omg) LOVE you two

you’re both the puppies of your group so that makes your relationship 103892x cuter

you met his parents and they adore you and even asked for your autograph

“jake used to talk about how great you are after every produce 48 episode”

“okayyyy i think that’s enough embarassing me mom”

his parents love you like their own daughter but does layla love you?

you were so nervous to meet her and was actually scared she might not like you - knowing how important layla is to jake

at first layla ignored you and jake was like “she’ll come around”

you were convinced she just doesn’t like you, until this one time you were cuddling with jake on the couch and layla comes in

you expected her to snuggle up with jake but she came to you :D

now layla is super fond of you and mrs sim would even send you pictures and videos of layla getting excited whenever you were on tv 🥺

★ sunghoon - itzy

you and the girls were at isac

the six of you were just waving at your fans and making heart signs with your hearts

on your left you saw yeji making hearts with ryujin so you wanted to do that with another member too

you felt a presence next to you and assumed it was someone from your group

spoiler alert: it wasn’t

sunghoon and sunoo were waving at engenes who just happened to be seated next to midzys

so you turned to who you thought was an itzy member, making half a heart with your hand

until you realized it wasn’t 💀

you bowed and apologized when you both looked at each other, you were scared you crossed a boundary

you bowed and apologized to the engenes who were there too

sunghoon and sunoo reassured you it was all good

after that, sunghoon couldn’t help but keep his eyes on you the entire event

when the day was coming to an end, he pulled some strings and ended up having some alone time with you ...in stray kids’ dressing room

don’t ask

ofc skz already left so it was just you two there

fast forward, you both hit it off and he became your bf <3

midzys and engenes love you both sm and love bragging about you two to other fandoms

you two were even named the king and queen of 4th gen kpop

oh also

you already know where this is going

“SUNGHOON HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW NOT SHY’S PROPER TITLE IT’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S SONG” - jay

brags about how he can do the shoulder dance in wannabe

ofc it’s bc you personally taught him

sends you pics of jyp as reaction pics

so you send pics of bang pdnim to him

every once in a while he reminds you of that video of jay why pee trying to hit a high note

“lmao that’s your boss”

PLS you always get super embarrassed so ofc you bring up that vid of hitman bang

“rAp dAncE-“

★ sunoo - stayc

you were his seatmate at school predebut

you came from the same town, same school, same neighborhood, etc

the two of you were extremely close and both shared the same dream

when highup entertainment accepted you, the both of you were over the moon

he was so happy for you

but sad too bc that meant you had to move to seoul :(

you promised him to do your best and that you hoped to see him again but as an idol

and hopefully when he’s an idol too

well what you hoped for came true !!

although you couldn’t see him much as a trainee - which made you quite sad - you got to follow his journey on i-land

you even asked your fellow trainees to vote for him

anyways now that you both debuted, you became close again and became really open with your fans on how close you were

you recommended his songs to swiths and he did the same to engenes

he even memorized the choreo to so bad and asap and lemme tell you this

he BEGGED you to teach him those choreos

“sunoo you can watch the practice on youtube”

“but i want to learn it from you”

he never really realized his feelings until he saw you getting shipped with his other members

you were both on weekly idol and the hosts really seemed to like how you and jake looked next to each other and they just teased you both the whole episode

that made sunoo feel uneasy and he thought it was only bc he was an overprotective best friend

turns out he had feelings for you (wow shocker)

so one day he asks you to come to hybe

after slightly getting lost, you meet up with him in a practice room

he confesses bc he felt like not telling you about his feelings would put a wall between you two

you appreciate his honesty and tell him you’ve felt the same way every since you were classmates

he scolds himself for not seeing it all those years but you just laugh it off bc you were pretty good at hiding your crush

you both agree to secretly date, until you both announce it on your five month anniversary

fans were really shocked at first... but they support you !!!!

engenes will not hesitate to come at anyone who talks bad about you and swiths feels the same way about jungwon

he gushes about you every single time you’re brought up

and you can’t help but love your adorable boyfriend

★ jungwon - iz*one

okay so

he was just an average high schooler when you were introduced on produce 48

his deskmate was watching your audition video and it was the part where you were doing this freestyle

he was SO amazed and he secretly followed your journey on produce 48

always made sure to vote on time and watch the episodes live

once the debut evaluation came around, he asked everyone he knew to vote for you and even bought tickets to see the show live

almost cried when he saw that you were center

ACTUALLY CRIED when you got into the top 13 😭

fast forward to him debuting in enha

he wasn’t able to catch up on you since he was busy with trainee life, then i-land, then debut preparations

but somehow in the middle of promotions he ran into you and BOOM love at first sight

fast forward to you finally dating, he couldn’t believe he was dating the y/n of iz*one

wizones make those “ladies and gentlemen, y/n’s man” edits and engenes make those “ladies and gentlemen, jungwon’s woman” edits

both fandoms love you two so dearly that the only hate you two got were from the delusional ones (who clearly aren’t actual fans)

when your last concert came around, he couldn’t bare seeing you cry when you said “this has been iz*one’s y/n, thank you everyone!”

he got flashbacks from when you cried during the final episode of produce 48 and he’s just.. sobbing bc he couldn’t be there to hold you

so the next day he rushed to your dorms with snacks and emotional support bc you were emotionally exhausted from accepting the fact that your journey with iz*one is finally ending

you felt extremely lucky to be in his arms and he felt extremely lucky too that he’s able to make you feel a little better

★ riki - weeekly

you were both on weekly weeekly idol together

and both you and riki being main dancers, you were asked to do random dance together

a few popular songs played and the both of you did the choreos

until after school started playing and the boy did the chorus’ choreo and you were like “woah???”

bc he was so INTO ITTTT

the song was basically made for him to cover it

and the mcs saw your reaction so they asked him to do it once again but this time with the whole group

after filming, he came up to you and was like “i’m a huge fan of yours” and you’re just like ):&/£]>\**_£]

“woah really???? i rooted for you on i-land”

and his face just lights up bc his huge crush on you developed even more

you became besties since then but he didn’t ask you out until your birthday

he took you out to a puppy café, knowing you were obsessed with dogs

you’d ask him to show you pictures and videos of bisco

“i better meet bisco once we go to japan together”

melted at the thought of traveling to his hometown with you

anyways

once you left the café, he kissed you in front of your dorms

and somehow he became your boyfriend <3

riki as a bf isn’t really a very public person

he’s the “this is our relationship, not the public’s” type of person

he doesn’t wanna risk companies wanting to exploit your relationship

although he doesn’t talk about you two much, he loves to brag about you when given the chance

whenever variety show hosts would fawn over you he’d just look them in the eyes dead and go “she’s mine”

[heyyyharry]

Drivers License

(inspired by drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo)

Word count: 2.5k

And you're probably with that blonde girl Who always made me doubt She's so much older than me She's everything I'm insecure about

This song is so sad and it made me cry so I had to write something about it 🤧

.

.

.

“I love the song.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Y/N chewed on her bottom lip, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. “But?” she asked her producer, who was on the phone. “You don’t sound like you love it.”

“Of course I love it, Y/N. It’s just–” Came a pause. “Do you really want this to be the next single?”

“What do you mean? You love it but it’s not good enough to be a single?”

“It’s too good, Y/N,” her producer said. “It’s very...personal.”

“That’s why I want to put it out, Gray. It means a lot to me.”

Gray was quiet for another moment. “The media and his fans are going to come for you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Alright. I’ll call you back.” Gray sounded defeated but she could still sense a smile as he told her, “Good job, kid,” before hanging up.

Y/N put her phone away, tossed her head back and heaved a sigh. She was well aware of the trouble she’d cause by releasing this song. It’d be like showing the whole world her diary. She’d written plenty of songs on her previous albums about her relationships, too. There had been witch hunts simply because the men she’d written songs about had fans who worshipped them and refused to see them as anything less than perfect. She wasn’t perfect, either. If she were perfect, she wouldn’t have written a song about an ‘almost’ relationship. She’d know her worth and not have chased someone who didn’t and would never want her. She knew that now. So this song would be the last thing she’d give this person. The last goodbye that she never got to say.

.

.

.

“What are you smiling at?”

“Nothing.”

“Let me see,” Y/N giggled and tried to grab his phone as he pretended to fight her off.

“Alright, alright.” He laughed, reached out to turn the music in his car down and handed her the phone. “It’s the memes your fans made about you not being able to drive,” he said, suppressing a grin.

Her jaw dropped. “I hate you!”

“I’m sorry. It slipped out,” he said, laughing again. She could listen to his laugh on replay. She loved his music, but his laugh had to be her most favourite melody. “To be fair, you talked a lot of shit about me in that interview, too.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” she scoffed at the smug look he was wearing. “At least I didn’t tell the whole world about your imaginary friend that you had until you were thirteen. You spilt my secret.”

“Not a secret anymore.”

She playfully smacked him on the arm. “My lawyer will hear about this.”

He pouted, pretending to be upset. “Guess we’ll never work together anymore.”

“Acting is not for me anyway.”

Y/N gave Harry back his phone. He took it but didn’t break eye contact as his brows knitted. “Stop saying that. You were great in the movie.”

She rolled her eyes sarcastically. “Oh please, have you been on the internet?”

“You mean my fans’ reactions, right? Just ignore them.” He breathed. “I mean, I love my fans, but they could be too much sometimes. Just look at all my previous relationships. I can’t even breathe around a female without them sending her death threats.”

“Yeah,” Y/N let out a nervous laugh, hands folded together resting on her knees. “Speaking of relationships,” she ventured, “are you talking to someone new?”

She wasn’t looking at him yet she could feel the heat from his gaze as he told her, “No. I already told you, Y/N. Right now there’s just you.”

Harry turned, putting both hands on his steering wheel. Was he nervous as well? Had she ruined the moment by bringing this up?

He took a deep breath, confirming her assumption. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

It was the same line he’d told her times and times again, and she wished she could just tell him how much she loathed it. And since she couldn’t say anything, she just nodded and focused on the rings on her fingers.

“I do care a lot about you, though,” he added, his voice heavy with emotions.

Her friends had told her that men would say things like this, and most of the time they barely meant half of it. However, she’d known Harry for years. Their relationship had only changed since they’d been cast for the same movie earlier this year. She was confident that she knew him better than her friends or anyone else. Surely, he’d meant all the things he’d said to her. The problem was, he just wasn’t ready for a relationship.

“And I don’t want to lose you, Y/N,” he said, now looking at her again.

She turned slowly and met his thoughtful green eyes. She offered a single smile as a way to tell him she wasn’t upset, even though she was, a little bit. “I don’t want to lose you, either,” she admitted.

His dimples reappeared. “I feel like it’s rare for people like us to find a connection like this, and I’ve never opened up to anyone the way I have to you. But I think now isn’t the time for us to take the risk of ruining this. Right now we’re still trying to figure out our own lives, you know?”

She nodded again, not knowing what to say.

They sat quietly for another moment, and it was he who broke the silence. “How come you never learn to drive?”

She could feel her cheeks glowing red. “I never had to drive myself.”

She’d been famous since she was fourteen, so she’d always had people driving her places. Whenever she told anyone that reason, they’d either call her spoiled to her face or give her a judgemental look that made her feel self-conscious. She didn’t have a dad or siblings, her mum didn’t know how to drive, either, and she was too afraid to ask anyone to teach her for she feared they’d judged her.

“I could teach you.”

Y/N whipped her head up and blinked blankly at him. “Really?”

“Of course,” he chuckled. “I have a cousin who didn’t learn to drive when he was young because of his anxiety and I taught him. I could teach you.”

Trying to hide her excitement, Y/N smiled. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” His grin widened even though he was the one doing her a favour. It was moments like this that reassured her that he wasn’t like the other guys who’d broken her heart. “When you got your driver license,” he said, “you can drive up to my house on your own.”

“We can even go on road trips,” she said happily, already imagining the many scenarios in her head.

He seemed equally elated, which made her heart swell. “Yeah! Wanna do it now or–”

“Let’s do it now.”

“Yeah, okay.” Quickly, he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. She climbed into the driver seat and watched him settle into the passenger side. That afternoon was the first time she’d learned how to drive. She would always remember that.

.

.

“Y/N, you’re up next,” said one member of the backstage staff who handed Y/N her mic and ran off to check on the backing vocalist.

Y/N felt her heart thumping in her chest as she clutched the microphone to her chest and sucked in a deep breath. She looked to her right, peering at her reflection in the full-length mirror. She looked beautiful. The makeup team and her stylist had spent three hours on this look and made sure that she was flawless.

Would he be watching the show tonight?

Had he even listened to the song?

It got to number one on the iTunes chart today. He must have listened to it. If not, he must have heard it on the radio or someone must have sent it to him. The whole world knew the song was for him, and everyone was talking about it. So even though he didn’t care anymore, even though he was happy with his new girlfriend, he must be wondering. Because when she’d heard that he’d written a song about her, she’d been so excited to listen to it. So could it be that he was wondering as well?

“This is Y/N performing her latest single DRIVERS LICENSE!”

Y/N took a deep breath as she got a nod from the stage director. She stepped out, soaked in the stage lights while the audience applauded and cheered for her. She stood at the centre of the stage as the band started playing and the noise in the audience died down. As a habit, she searched the front rows for his face despite knowing with every fibre in her body that this would be the last place he’d be tonight.

I got my driver's license last week

Just like we always talked about

'Cause you were so excited for me

To finally drive up to your house

But today I drove through the suburbs

Crying 'cause you weren't around

She could see it even now. Them driving through the quiet night. From her house to his and back. Just the two of them. The kisses they’d share at stoplights when there was no one else around. The way he’d place his hand on her thigh just because he wanted to. In retrospect, she should have realised that he wouldn’t ever do that to her in public. Their relationship, if she could call it that, had been almost nonexistent. Maybe that was why it’d been so easy for him to move on. You couldn’t feel remorse leaving behind something that didn’t exist. How unfortunate. It’d been real to her.

And you're probably with that blonde girl

Who always made me doubt

She's so much older than me

She's everything I'm insecure about

Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs

'Cause how could I ever love someone else?

She’d thought to herself that if he could write a song about someone he’d never dated, it was worth staying with him despite not actually being with him. She could not expect that a few months after that song had come out, he would be seen driving around with another girl. The girl he’d told her was only a good friend. This girl was older and perfect in every way. Y/N wouldn’t choose herself either if the choices were between her and that girl. But she couldn’t bring herself to hate the girl. It wasn’t the girl’s fault that Harry had chosen her. And it wasn’t Harry’s fault that Y/N refused to see the red flags through her rose-coloured glasses.

And I know we weren't perfect

But I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine

How you could be so okay now that I'm gone?

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Y/N wrote this song a week after she’d got her drivers license. She’d blast sad music in her car and cried as she drove past his house, wondering if he was still up and thinking of her whenever he saw headlights passing his street. The heartbreak had been confusing to her as they weren’t even together. It was funny how the whole world had believed in them, except for him. He’d told her he loved her, so why weren’t they together now? He’d said he wasn’t ready, so why was he holding hands with someone else on the street? Was it because of her? Was it something that she’d done? Was there something wrong with her? Why couldn’t he choose her? Y/N had pondered over those questions for months until she came to accept that there didn’t have to be a reason for someone to leave you. They simply lost feelings or found someone else. No one owed you an explanation.

Red lights, stop signs

I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

Can't drive past the places we used to go to

'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe

For months, he'd been a ghost living rent-free in her head. She saw him in every face and every crowd, and she could even, in this moment, hear the sound of his laugh somewhere in the audience. She could hear him telling her he was proud of her, that everything would be okay. And the worst part was that, without her, he was still doing fine. He wouldn’t see her everywhere he went. He wouldn’t think about her when he was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep. He wouldn’t wonder if she missed him. Because he didn’t miss her. And he would be saying the same things he’d said to her to his new girl.

Sidewalks we crossed

I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing

Over all the noise

God, I'm so blue, know we're through

But I still fuckin' love you, babe (Ooh, ooh)

There on the stage, she received sympathetic looks from the people in the front row as she cried her heart out to the lyrics. He might be at home this moment, watching the show with his new girlfriend, and seeing her cry on live television. Would they laugh at her together? Would he turn to his girlfriend and say he was sorry for how he’d treated Y/N and promised to never hurt his girlfriend the same way? The most heartbreaking thing, Y/N thought, wasn’t him leaving, but seeing him treat someone the way she’d wanted to be treated and realising that he’d been capable of doing it all this time, just not with her.

I know we weren't perfect

But I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine

How you could be so okay now that I'm gone?

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Putting all her feelings into this song had made everything seem so much simpler and clearer. And at the end of the day, Y/N believed that the whole purpose of songwriting was to get closure. Perhaps, one day, when she listened to this song again, she wouldn’t be sad anymore.

Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

.

.

.

“Good job, Y/N.”

“Thank you.”

“Love the song! You’re amazing.”

“Thank you.”

Y/N faked a few more smiles then shut the door of her dressing room and slumped into her chair in front of the vanity.

All alone, she looked right at her reflection and took a deep breath.

Her phone buzzed and lit up with a new text message.

Harry: Congratulations on your no 1 :) xx

She pondered over the words, picked up her phone, and deleted his contact.

[sneverussape]

ficlet where severus and lily get into a Fight. 💥💥 the weasleys still exist in this au, although their age gaps from the evanses are not explicitly stated. go wild.

—

“You’re kidding me.”

“Would I?”

“Weasley? Fred Weasley? That gargantuan ginger terror? What, are you planning to procreate and produce 2.5 fireballs?”

“HEY! I resent that, severus!”

“No idea why you should if it’s the truth.”

“Fred is fine!”

“Oh please, I may vomit.”

“You don’t even know him.”

“Lily, he’s been coming round to visit on hols for the past five years. I’m epileptic, not blind.”

“He did help you with that one potion you were stuck with.”

“Only because I needed nail clippings from a pureblood, which he was. Since he was here to benefit from our hospitality it was the least he could do.”

“I still don’t see why you would detest him.”

“Lily, he turned Mercutio into a duck for a full day even though he knew the counter charm! He could have killed me! Not to mention there’s two of them. What, is Petunia going to date his abhorrent twin too? Given her track record I wouldn’t even be surprised…”

“…that’s not fair. And it wasn’t like Cutie—”

“Mercutio.”

“Like CUTIE was less effective as a duck. He still had the collar on and quacked like mad even though nothing was happening.”

“Something did happen. He was transfigured. Weasley could have hurt him! Not that that twat cared. He lied to mum and dad about it too.”

“Sev. I’m just telling you. I’m not asking your permission to date him.”

“Yeah well, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

“…What is your problem?!”

“You just said that you don’t actually care what I thought. Well I’ve had enough of this conversation and see no reason why I should be torturing myself with your presence further.”

“It isn’t even a conversation! It’s you being entirely disagreeable over nothing!”

“Go away, Lily.”

“OOOOH! You know you can be a total arse when you want to be!”

“Ha! That’s fucking rich. Do you need me to conjure you a mirror so you can repeat that?”

“Fuck right off.”

“Right back at you!”

[chil2de]

Hi!! if possible can i please request yuuta having a girlfriend that’s his childhood friend? (So like instead of rika it’s y/n and she doesn’t die) that loves to dote on him cause that boy needs some love. Thank you!! <3

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE THIS MADE ME SO SOFT!!!!! ohmygod!!!! growing up with yuuta would be THE best onshdhfsh thank you sososos much anon this was such a pleasure to write! i don’t know why but the “and she doesn’t die” had me screaming LMFAOOOO

enjoy! no warnings, just old fashioned cute fluff and heart wrenching moments! thank you for giving me the opportunity to write for the best boy mwaaah you deserve eternal happiness! hope no insects bite you during these warm months <3

“okkotsu!” you cried out, feminine and shrill voice ringing in the air. the cicadas chirped melodiously, calling out their delightful songs in the spring air.

the young boy staggered around, losing his balance from spinning too fast. his fragile hands reached out, pulling in small grabby motions towards your innocent and joyous face.

you were always so optimistic, even when you were younger. yuuta could only huff and wail as his caretaker hauled him away from the playground, gesturing it was time for him to come home. thick and messy tears spilled out the corners of his eyes which hadn’t yet endured countless sleep devoid nights.

he was so far away, but that was okay because you knew you’d see him the very next day.

“okkotsu! promise to play with me again tomorrow!” you cupped your hands, exclaiming as much as your little lungs could endure. yuuta could see the tears heavy in your gaze, but even then, you prevailed. you grinned, all for him.

ever since the very start. till ‘death do us apart.

-

“okkotsu! come oooon, don’t cry, okay? (y/n)’s got your back! see, see?! look! they don’t bite!” you braved a smirk on your features, beckoning the shy and introverted young man over. his face looked uncertain and his lips wobbled as though he could crack at any moment. he took a few cautious steps, maintaining his distance between you and the furry animal on the floor.

“r-really? it won’t bite?” he coughed, reaching his unstable fingertips out.

“eh?! that’s the first time you’ve spoken to me! your voice is so nice! it’s so cool! hey! can i hear it again? pleaaaase? i know you’re shy but i’d really like to hear it! hey, okkotsu, say my name? pretty please?”

“um- i, uh.. it’s okay.. you can call me yuuta.”

-

“yuuta! you’re going to be late for your first day of junior high! i totally told you to wake up on time too!” you stood with your hands rested firmly on your hips, face stern and tone impatient.

“sorry! sorry- it’s um, my hair. i don’t know how to style it.” he admitted, albeit sheepishly by trailing the last few words off into a murmur. you only gave him a sigh before kneeling down behind him, propping yourself up to take a look at his hair in the reflection of the mirror.

“how on earth are you so tall already? we eat the same food, you know. slouch over a little.” you pinched his cheeks before glossing over his hair.

when you ran your fingertips through his hair, you felt butterflies and anxiety rock your stomach.

that’s never been there before.

you’ve touched yuuta countless times, whether that was accidentally hitting him, holding his hand to cross the street…

so why was it different?

you could feel yuuta’s body tense up and run rigid underneath your touch.

that definitely wasn’t there before.

“relax. it’s me.” you cooed quietly, roughing up his hair into different styles.

“like this? looks like you just woke up, sorta, but i think it’s cute.”

yuuta’s heart rate skyrocketed through the roof and his breath hitched.

“cute?” he reiterated, chewing out the phrase like he’d never heard it before in his life.

“hm? yeah-“

you caught his gaze in the mirror, eyes half lidded and attention averted. the tips of his ears were tainted a deep red with small flicks of blush painting his cheeks.

“eh?! nononono- not like that i’m- i just think it suits you, you know? oh, crap, would you look at the time? okay we gotta go and leave!” you clambered out of his bedroom, thudding the door shut behind you.

yuuta only gawked at you with bewilderment, lips slightly parted and fingertips outstretched in his failed attempt to stop you.

he turned to himself in the mirror, studying his features before running one hand through his jet black locks.

“cute, huh?” he muttered, avoiding his own judgemental gaze.

-

the bittersweet part about growing up with a childhood friend is change.

for all the time that you’d spent with yuuta, you didn’t realise that your relationship with him was something to not take for granted.

especially with those around you who would kill for what you two have.

you’d always get mundane questions from high school girls who thought they could have a shot with him, “what’s his type?” “do you think he likes me?”

meanwhile you only played along with their charades, laughing inwardly when he was actually extremely introverted.

“so? what’s the deal with you and okkotsu-san? you guys dating?”

“no. we’re just friends.”

“seriously? you guys are always glued at the hip. you know he has a picture of you in his locker, right?”

“yeah? so do i. it doesn’t mean anything.”

“it’s kind of a shame, he’s such a nice young man.. gone to waste like that..”

“what’s gone to waste?” yuuta inquired with an indifferent tone, plopping down beside you with his bento box. the classmate sat opposite you only gave him a phony cheerful temperament, twirling her index finger around her hair.

“oh! okkotsu-senpai! we were just talking about you! how was your da-“

“please leave.”

you could only gape at him in your peripherals, sputtering on your sandwich as you watched the life drain from your classmate at his monotony. yuuta didn’t spare you or the girl a glance as he worked to unpack his lunch, hell the guy even murmured a small itadakimasu as if nothing happened.

“wh- okkotsu senpai?”

“listen.” he let out a deep sigh before proceeding.

“whatever shot you thought you had with me? it’s gone out the window. don’t disrespect (y/n) in front of me like that again.”

“you’re making us uncomfortable, so get up and go.” he motioned with his chopsticks, giving her a dead gaze towards another table.

the girl scoffed, mouth hung wide open as she picked up her bag and stormed out of sight.

whilst your face was as blank as a stone, internally, you were only screaming in the depths of piping hot hell visible from the sun itself.

baby girl? that was when you noticed how fucking fine of a man yuuta grew up to be.

“that was seriously nerve wracking.. my stomach hurts so bad right now” yuuta coughed through a bite of his sandwich, refusing to meet your gaze.

you slapped his back, because, holy shit??? awe painted your face like you just witnessed your own child talking or walking for the first time.

“what the shit? yuuta? are you kidding?”

“oh, huh? did i overdo it or something?“

“no?! are you kidding? that was fucking awesome! i swear! this is why i love you-“

oh.

uh oh.

oh no.

yuuta let out a shrill squeak unbeknownst to any human being able to produce such a volume. it was a cross between a floorboard creaking, a mouse sniffing and him choking on his food. the poor boy had to excuse himself to the bathroom, hacking and sniffling in an ugly fit of coughs from the food that got caught in his windpipe.

your blood rushed to your head, veins lit ablaze, bones rattling as you could hear the chatter pound and drill into your skull, scoring you deep and down into your bones.

“did she just say she loves him?”

“i totally knew they were going out!”

“i can’t believe it…”

“do you think he’ll reject her?”

it replayed over, and over, and over. what a fucking fool you felt. did he even feel the same?

that’s why i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

a blob of black clouded your vision and you could hear the glass breaking.

yuuta sat himself back down, excusing himself.

you could hear nothing but the tune of his heartbeat. or was it yours? it sounded too heavy to belong in either of your bodies.

his voice came as a wobble because of his anxiety, but this was the one thing in his life he’d be absolutely certain of.

“that’s okay. i love you too.”

-

“yuuta? you okay? you’ve been spacing out for at least five minutes. something on your mind?” you lightly shake your boyfriend, grip reassuring but firm. it takes a couple of seconds for his gaze to gloss over as he returns back to reality.

“sorry. was just thinking about our childhood, that’s all.” his voice comes out deep and masculine. it doesn’t have that tremor as it used to before, like he’d break down at any minute.

you can say with absolute certainty as you stare up your entire 5’10 boyfriend that he’s matured well.

his hand snakes around to your waist, pulling you into him for comfort.

some ways better than others, you suppose.

“can we stay home today?” he hums, resting his chin on top of your head,

“same as ever, yuuta, aren’t you? it’s fine, i’ll tell nobara my period’s making me act up. she’ll understand-“

“hm? you’re not due for another week though, right?”

you crease your eyebrows as you type out an apology to nobara for cancelling plans, glancing up at yuuta curiously.

“how the heck do you know that?”

“i’m not supposed to? i’d always count your cycle so i wouldn’t irritate you on the wrong day. besides, don’t you think it was too convenient for you to always find snacks in your locker when it rolled around?”

“those snacks were you?! oh my god! i was trying to figure that out for forever!”

“i know. i remember you ranting to me about it.”

“you just sat there?! yuuta! you’re so cheeky sometimes, i swear!”

“only for you.” he chimes, peppering a soft kiss onto your head. you smile against him, though unfortunately pry out of his familiar and welcoming touch.

“i’m gonna step out for a second tho, ‘kay? i think that’s itadori at the door with my chocolate and painkillers” you snort, giving yuuta a bold wink as you put on your best act, keeling over and clutching at your abdomen as though you’re on death’s door.

“you’re awful.” yuuta chuckles, slumping down onto the sofa to hear the events unfold right in front of him.

you clear your throat and slouch your shoulders as you pry the apartment door open.

“(y/n)-senpai! i came as fast as i could and i brought you some of your favourite sna- oh, okkotsu-senpai! hello!”

“hi there.” he leans his head back, giving itadori a small wave.

“i won’t interrupt you guys so get well soon! and fast! cause i wanna hang out with you! bye!”

you cradle the necessities itadori brought whilst gleaming at yuuta with a wicked grin plastered on your face from ear to ear.

“you want anything?” you cock an eyebrow, showing him the arrangement of snacks.

it’s not the answer you were expecting, but it definitely wasn’t unwelcome. it made you feel warm inside, like eating warm and soothing soup on a cold winter’s day. this, for you, was okkotsu yuuta at his best, stripped clean and vulnerable.

you’re the only one who he can relax around, act like the world is carefree. like he’s young again, prancing around in that dingy colourful playground he met you at.

“i want you to kiss me.”

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Dslkfdgfd I was doing so well at keeping these short and then this one was over 1.8k WHOOPS. It’s also kinda angsty sorry about that, I’m going back to bed now because I’ve been up since 5am thanks to my anxiety, but you nerds enjoy this 🥰 (also yes I did use Ben Platt’s “Imagine” as Beca’s song, this should have been predictable by now sdklfgfd) 

Also on AO3!!!

FEBRUARY DRABBLES, DAY TEN - CARDS

Chloe hated feeling like this. She was a happy person and easy-going person, so this knot in her stomach and the lump in her throat were deeply unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Yet as Chloe stormed up the stairs to her and Beca’s apartment she knew that it was okay for her to be feeling like this. She had sat in that restaurant for hours waiting for Beca to come, and she hadn’t. That on its own was bad enough, but this wasn’t the first time Beca had stood her up lately and Chloe was tired of it.

Yes, Beca was working hard at her new job. Yes, working for DJ Khaled’s label was a BIG deal. Yes, Beca had a lot on her plate with her producing work and working on her debut album. But Chloe was important too… or at least Beca used to think so.

Chloe practically flung open the door to their apartment, storming through to the home office that she knew Beca would be sequestered in yet again. The door was opened with a bang but still Beca didn’t look up, her headphones blocking out any noise and making her blissfully unaware of her angry girlfriend. It was only when Chloe practically ripped the headphones from her head that Beca finally noticed her, irritation radiating through her as she spun round in her chair.

“Dude what the hell?!”

“Seriously?!” Chloe snorted angrily, “You’re what the hell-ing me?! You stood me up Beca! Again!”

“What?” Beca frowned deeply as she shook her head, “No, I’m not supposed to be there till…” Beca glanced at her watch and her heart sank, “Shit… Chlo I’m so sorry, I thought-”

“Save it Beca.” Chloe snapped, eyes blazing, “It’s the third time in a row that you’ve stood me up, and as if that’s not bad enough, it’s our anniversary! Seriously Beca, tonight of all nights you’re putting your work before me?!”

“Chloe, it’s not like that…” Beca sighed, but Chloe cut her off before Beca could make any more excuses.

“Not like what Beca? Not like you’re working all day and night to avoid being with me?! Not like I’m the only one putting any effort into this relationship?! Not like you don’t actually care about me?!” There were tears in Chloe’s eyes as everything that she had been trying so hard to push down came flooding to the surface.

“Did you ever care about me? Or am I just another thing to tick off your never-ending list of things to do huh? Jesus Beca it took us five years to even go on a date, and you can barely do that without wanting to bail! So do you want to do this or not? Because I am getting too old and too tired to be the only one giving a shit in this relationship!”

“You’re the only one giving a shit?!” Beca was on her feet now, anger and frustration evident in every line of her, “Are you kidding me?! I miss a few dinners and coffees and suddenly I don’t care?! God Chloe what is the matter with you?”

“The matter with me?!” Chloe’s eyes were wild as her fists clenched, “I don’t know Beca, maybe I’m tired of being treated like I don’t matter, maybe I want to be with someone who actually cares about me rather than an emotionally constipated workaholic!”

Chloe didn’t mean that and the minute the words are out of her mouth she regretted them, especially because Beca looks like she just slapped her. God Chloe might as have slapped her, why had she said that?

Beca turned on her heel and yanked open the small cupboard next to her desk, pulling out a black box and slamming it down on the desk.

“I don’t care huh?” Beca growled, grabbing the contents from it one by one and slamming them down with equal amounts of anger and hurt, “Cards from you from every birthday, every Christmas, every stupid holiday and minor celebration. The backstage passes from every ICCA competition that we ever competed in. The room key from our hotel room in Copenhagen where we first slept together. The photos from that photobooth at the funfair we went to last year. The rose from our first official date that I took the time to press and preserve so I could keep it forever!”

Beca rounded on Chloe again, uncharacteristic tears in her eyes as her hands shook, “Don’t tell me that I don’t care Chloe! I might not wear my heart on my sleeve, I might struggle to express my emotions as easily as you do, I might be ‘emotionally constipated’ but I love you so fucking much that it hurts! I know I’ve been working a lot lately, I know that I keep missing dates and that’s not okay. But I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t forget it was our anniversary, I’m just not good at this! I’m not good at being romantic and making big gestures! And if that isn’t good enough for you then I’m sorry, because this is me trying!”

Chloe shook her head as she sank onto the edge of the sofa, tears running down her cheeks, “I know it is Becs… I know that, I’m sorry, I just… I just feel like you’ve got this new amazing job and it’s made you realise that you don’t want me anymore… that you want someone better…”

Beca’s expression softened and she dropped to her knees in front of her, gently taking her hands in hers, “Dude… are you kidding? There’s no-one better than you. You are all I have ever wanted and I know I need to get better at showing you that. I am so sorry that I have been neglecting you lately, that you’re feeling like I don’t want you because that couldn’t be further from the truth. My office is basically a shrine to you, it’s covered in photos of you and Chlo-bear, y’know that ridiculous orange bear that you won from at the fair? She sits behind my desk, I take client meetings with her watching on, they must think I’m mad…”

Chloe giggled softly at this, lifting her gaze to meet Beca’s as she retrieved on of her hands from hers to cup Beca’s cheek. Beca turned her head to press a soft kiss to her palm, sighing softly as she sniffed a little.

“This is so not how I wanted our anniversary to go…” Beca mumbled, “I’m so sorry Chloe. I wasn’t working tonight… well, I was but… it’s the single that Khaled wants to promote the album, he wants to release it next month but I wanted it finished for tonight because it’s for you… it’s about you, you are my muse Chlo and I wanted you to be the first person to hear it. And this way if it’s done…”

Beca got to her feet and retrieved an envelope from her desk drawer as Chloe watched her with wide and emotional eyes, “I can focus on nothing but you and me when we’re in Paris for the next two weeks.”

“Paris?!” Chloe gasped, a smile beginning to tug at her lips, “How did you- I never told you about how I always wanted to go to Paris…”

“I asked Aubrey.” Beca smirked a little as she sat next to Chloe, pressing the envelope containing the tickets into her hand, “And after she gave me an earful about the way I had been neglecting you lately, she told me that it was a dream of yours to go to Paris with the person you love. Which I’m hoping is still me?”

“Yeah.” Chloe nodded, seeing the insecurity in Beca’s eyes, “Of course it is Becs. I’m sorry for getting mad like that, I should’ve just come and talked to you.”

“It’s okay.” Beca smiled softly, “I’m sorry too, I really have been working too hard and I have been neglecting our relationship. I just- I guess I’m just scared that if I don’t do everything perfectly that they’ll see that I’m not the person they think I am.”

“Becs, you’re incredible at what you do.” Chloe’s hand reached out to caress her cheek again, “They know that and so does everyone else. It’s about time that you believed it yourself.”

Beca shrugged a little in response, leaning froward so that her head rested on Chloe’s shoulder. Chloe gently wrapped her arms around her, all the anger dissipated now that she and Beca had finally talks (sort of anyway) about what was going on with them.

“Can I hear the song then?” Chloe whispered into Beca’s hair after a few minutes, Beca chuckling soft against her shoulder.

“I’m amazed you waited this long to ask.” Beca shook her head a little as she lifted her head, “I um… I still think it needs a few tweaks honestly, but I suppose that you can hear it now…”

Chloe squealed excitedly as she got off the bed and shot into Beca’s desk chair, Beca rolling her eyes affectionately as she passed Chloe the headphones and queued the song up.

“Like I said, it’s not perfect yet but… yeah. I wrote it for you so…”

Beca suddenly felt very vulnerable as Chloe settled the headphones onto her head. Chloe took her hand and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of it, Beca managing a small smile before hitting play and walking away to sit on the sofa, not wanting to watch Chloe listen to it.

The silence in the room was deafening as Beca chewed at her bottom lip, leg bouncing as she stared at the floor. She didn’t notice Chloe taking off the headphones or getting up until she felt her take her hands and pull her to her feet. Chloe’s eyes were full of tears as she wrapped Beca in her arms and held her tightly, Beca feeling her heart pound hard in her chest. Did this mean that Chloe like it?

“I loved it.” Chloe mumbled as if she read Beca’s mind, “It’s beautiful Becs, it really is… I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Beca’s voice was thick as hugged Chloe back just as tight, “It um… it still needs some work but…”

“No.” Chloe shook her head as she pulled back to cup Beca’s face in her hands, “No it doesn’t. It’s perfect just the way it is. Just like you.”

Beca scoffed slightly as she grinned at Chloe, “I’m not, I’ve proved that lately. But I promise I’m going to make it up to you Chlo okay? I’m going to do better I promise.”

“I know.” Chloe nodded, pressing a soft kiss to her lips, “And I promise if I start to feel like this again then I’ll tell you rather than waiting until I’m angry and I say things that I regret. Because there is no-one I want to be with apart from you Beca. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Beca murmured, “I always will, even if I don’t always show it in the best way.”

“I’ll just play that song to remind me.” Chloe giggled softly, “Do you have a name for it yet?”

“I was thinking ‘Imagine’?”

[crowdedimagines]

Spill It - Harry Styles

an// i literally love the spill your guts concept, but hopefully this is a new take on it! also, this is not going to be chronologically correct to real life, that’s the fun of fiction! also in a world without covid

“I will never understand how you continue to convince people to do this.” I sigh, taking in the table in front of me.

“Let’s take a look at what Y/n here is so fond of.” James teases before giving the table a good spin, showing off all of its contents, “To start we’ve got salmon smoothie, beef tongue, bird saliva, scorpion, fish head, hot sauce, bull penis, and finally, the water beetle. I think you’re both familiar with the rules of this game.”

“I’m sure.” Niall smiles, turning his head towards mine and I nod in agreement.

Niall and I go way back, having been friends for years. We met back in 2013 when I opened for One Direction’s tour. I quickly become close with all of them. One more so than the others. Harry. He and I just clicked, everyone knew it. It took months for us to start dating, afraid that we would ruin the good thing we had, but neither of us wanted to wait anymore. You can’t pass up a connection like that.

“Niall, I will ask you the first question.” James announces, “We’ll go with the salmon smoothie.”

“Oh god.” He mutters.

James lets out a loud laugh and covers his face in shock over the question. He turns it to me so I can catch a glimpse before he reads it out-loud and my jaw drops.

“You might as well drink now, not even hear the question.” I tease, leaning across the table.

“Niall, who is your least favorite member of One Direction?”

Niall’s head drops in defeat, even though he was sure going into this a question like this would be brought up. He just wishes it could’ve been on something a little easier to choke down.

“Drink up, babe.” I smile, a teasing smile crossing my face.

“Fuck.” He shakes his head.

“I can’t… “ He reaches for the glass and throws it back, it takes a few seconds for the sludge to finally shift and he can get a mouthful. A sour look takes over his face as soon as it reaches his taste buds. He quickly leans down to spit it in the bucket.

“That’s horrendous.” He coughs, “It was like a salmon yogurt.”

“Alright Niall, your turn to ask Y/n.”

I smile politely to my friend of many years who takes on a sinister look once he’s read the question.

“Please be nice.” I stick out my bottom lip.

“Right right.” He laughs, spinning the table as he takes in his options.

“Don’t forget I have a very good memory, especially of the years spent on a shared tour bus…” I chaff.

“Don’t remind me.” He settles on the hot sauce, thankfully one of the lesser evil options. I would take this over anything else on the table.

I did crash on their bus more than my own. It started because they were fun, barely older than me, but then when Harry and I started dating we became. Even sharing a bunk as uncomfortable as it was most nights. Those boys grew up with me, and I’m thankful to still be in good contact with all of them.

“You recently welcomed your third god-child into the world when Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid welcomed their daughter to the world.”

“Yes, I did.” I smile at the cheering audience. I have managed to do the impossible in staying close with all of the boys since the hiatus. Well, all but one. Gigi and I met years ago, and I introduced the pair at an award show. The other boys had their reason for making me god mother, but it did give me this monopoly on all of the One Direction children. 

“You are actually the god-mother to all three of the One Direction children. Who’s your favorite?”

My jaw drops at the question. Who had the audacity to ask that? To think I could ever answer that about any of my little nieces and nephews. The audience cheers in shock over the question as well.

“You’re joking.” I scoff, ���They’re children, I could never pick a favorite!”

“How about your least favorite then?” James teases.

“You lot are all horrendous!”

I grab the shot glass and down the hot sauce immediately. I love all of them way too much to ever pick. I’m sure it’s exactly what they expected with a question like that. It burns for a few seconds and I put the glass back and try to shake it off.

“Nice one!” Niall cheers.

“Now James-” I clear my throat, the hot sauce catching up with me, “Name one guest that you would never invite back to the show.” I bite back a smile and fan my face with the card.  

James looks up into the camera as if he actually wants to answer.

“C’mon, you can do it! Just for once.” I grin like a little kid in a candy store, I want him to answer. I want to know, and it would be nice to finally get him to reveal an answer like this.

“Are you trying to get this show canceled?” He turns to one of the producers off screen. He looks between them and the water beetle I’ve placed in front of him. He gives his head one last shake before throwing it down the hatch.

“Niall, it’s your last night on Earth, you can either spend it with your ex girlfriend Ellie Goulding or Selena Gomez?”

He goes back and forth, trying to be polite with his answer before eventually picking Ellie.

“Y/n, who is your favorite member of One Direction?” Niall asks, the smirk growing wider with every word he utters.

The crowd roars, knowing very well of my relationship from a few years ago. One that people still brought up regularly in both Harry and my life due to us remaining friendly. 

“What is up with you guys wanting to know my favorites?” I roll my eyes, “Give me something I can actually answer.”

“Fine! I’ll ask you one!” Niall grins, an evil and family glint in his eyes appearing, “What songs have you written about Harry?”

A red hue takes over my face again, only this time it’s not from the hot sauce.

“Either that, or the bird saliva.” He grins, showing off a wide smile. If only we weren’t on national television and I could smack it off.

“It smells like wet dog.” I sigh, I pick it up giving it a whiff before setting it back down on the table, “Could I name one song?”

Niall and James exchange a look before the nod accepting it. 

“I wrote the song Everything about him.” I smile. It shouldn’t exactly be a surprise to most people, there were clues. Both of our fans were smart enough to catch on and read between the lines. It was a song I released almost two years ago, the album following our breakup.

It was a powerful song, it quickly became one of the favorites of my fans. It’s also one of the few that I don’t perform. I can’t think of a time I’ve sung that song without crying, it wasn’t meant for the stage. It was meant to be played in your bedroom while you stare at your ceiling. People have always understood that. 

“It’s a lovely song.” Niall smiles knowingly.

“Thank you.” I smile, I move on and reach out to ask James his question.

“James, you have been blessed to have both Niall and I on for carpool karaoke.” I smile at Niall, “Which one did you enjoy more?”

I can’t fight off the laughter that takes over. As if it isn’t hard enough to answer questions like these, it’s only upped the ante by having us both here.

“You’re kidding.” He dabs away the sweat on his forehead.

“It’s okay, Niall won’t be that offended.” I reassure and stick out my tongue at Niall.

“You’re an arse.” Niall laughs with the roll of his eyes.

In the middle of Niall and I acting like children bickering, James tears off a bite of the cows tongue without another word.

“Oh god.” I turn away from the unpleasant sight.

“That’s rank.” Niall huffs.

Niall answers his next question from James again, successfully getting away without eating anything.

“Y/n, if the past four years you have gotten into acting. You have made quite a name for yourself on the big screen as well as on the stage.” Niall begins.

“I don’t like where this is going.” I laugh.

“Rank your co-stars from your past films best to worst; Dylan O’Brian, Logan Lerman, and John Boyega.” Niall smacks his knee with a laugh.

“I have been blessed to work with so many talented actors” I start, picking up the terrifying looking bug that has been placed in front of me.

“Mhm.” James agrees with an evil smile on his face.

“So talented, that I could never rank them.” I throw back the scorpion before I can second guess myself. I manage to chew enough of it for it to count before spitting it out as gracefully as I can.

That’s a wrap after that, enough time getting juicy content out of us quite literally either spilling or filling our guts. I give Niall a hug before going back to my dressing room. I couldn’t be more thankful to share the couch tonight with a long time friend.

I drive home, eager to go home and relax. The episode won’t air until later tonight which gives me a couple hours of peace from Twitter. I take a bath and make myself some dinner, before eventually climbing into bed and turning on the TV to watch the episode.

It’s good, fun to watch back. Niall and I make a good pair, easy to read the friendship on camera. In time the episode ends and I turn off the TV and decide to go to bed. It’s been a long day full of press. Before I can actually drift off my phone lighting up and vibrating on my nightstand grabs my attention.

You are my everything too. xx

PART TWO??????

[hhjs]

forget me not.

♡ based on — "During times of war. I want to say: I only love you, And I cling you, Like the peel clings to a pomegranate, Like the tear clings to the eye, Like the knife clings to the wound." and the song nightlife by daydream masi.

♡ summary  —   Hyunjin's unsure of the tingle in his gut, why it's happening. But he thinks, just for a second, it feels a little like hope.

wherein, putting your heart on the line for the sake of doing favours isn’t a frequent component in your schedule. But what happens when this favour is asked for by the boy you may or may not have fancied for far too long?

 You accept it. 

 For a very embarrassing reason, really, which is — you think Hwang Hyunjin needs you.

♡ pairing— hwang hyunjin x reader

♡ word count— 8.8k whoopsies

♡ genre and alternate universe — angst, fluff + hanahaki au.

♡ author's note— this was supposed to be a drabble and then i sort of lost my fucking mind ehe...also this is easily the worst thing i have ever written im so sorry aaa but this is a lil present from my end hahaha

♡ warnings— suggestive content, vomiting, mention of blood. allusions to depression and heartbreak.

Amongst other things, you're extremely bad at saying 'no'. You don't mean the word per se...but the underlying connotation of this very monosyllable which may come at the expense of letting another person down.

It's sort of stupid, you understand, your friends have constantly voiced their worries for your extremely complacent nature more often than you'd think actually. But it all goes over your head. See — old habits really do die hard.

When you're eight, this very defect takes you to dreadful saxophone lessons your mum spoke so highly of. When you're 15, it gets you called to the principal's office for flashing Jeongin trigonometric functions in Mister Choi's pop quiz, when you're older, things are definitely no different.

The passenger seat is occupied, Hyunjin's holding a tangled muffler to his suede jacket clad chest. At 21, he's become someone you used to know. A friend of a friend, Felix's to be very specific. But the man in question, who was supposed to be his ride, passes off this duty for kegstands and you just happen to be the designated driver for the night, shuffling Jisung beside Changbin and Chan, who claims to be 'sober' even though he's half asleep.

Hyunjin is uncharacteristically quiet.

There's a polite smile on rendered your way as your eyes meet. A small curvature along his plump bottom lip, tighter around the edges. Still this simple formality is so beautiful that you feel something inside you come alive.

When Jisung starts snoring, you flip on the radio and Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here comes on.

Your fingers feel numb when they come to tap out a rhythm to the track. It's nice. Tingling guitar riffs swelling, David Gilmour's gruffy voice pours in from faulty speakers. The more the song progresses, the more you find yourself attempting to think about anything that will distract you from the boy beside you, in the flesh no less.

So late at night, the main road is eerily silent. Cobblestones reflecting the sound of tires thumping against its layout, streetlights blinking at you from their drooping heads. Across the street, a baker is tucking away leftover bread and buskers are packing up their beat up guitars, a man in his late 50's pulling his blanket to his nose as he rests a head full of gray hair on the cold pavement.

You glance at Hyunjin from the corner of your eye and find that his staggering smile has completely disappeared. Now there's a distant glaze in his eyes. It's like he's here, in this moment, with you, but at the same time, he's somewhere else.

Under the impression you've done something wrong, you immediately begin to panic. But the thing is, you don't actually know if you should ask. Would it constitute as crossing a line if you had anyway?

Hyunjin covers his mouth with a sleeve, muffled retching building beyond fabric.

The reasonable assumption is obvious. It's not abnormal to be nauseous when you've got one too many drinks in you. He motions for you to pull over, incoherent sentences practically melding together, words forming and dissipating between choking fits.

You scramble to dig out a bottle of mineral water you habitually deposit in the glove compartment, offering him the tissue first. Ears perking up in satisfaction when a garbled thanks escapes his parted lips. But then... something weird happens.

As your eyes flicker to unintentionally glance at the contents discarded on the pitch grey sidewalk, you freeze in your seat.

You were never a big believer of superstition, not someone who buys into myths only meant for the fiction genre. Sure, you can be gullible sometimes...but what's happening falls no way under the realistic category.

The lethal Hanahaki disease, only inherited by some unlucky descendants, every moment in your head prior to this one, was something that's obviously non existent.

Yet... there's so much blood, too much blood attesting to your blatant ignorance. The petals are of a white rose, smudging together in swirls of grotesque crimson in mimicry of a sheen of red sticking to the inner corners of his lips. It has happened before, you can tell, from just how unsurprised he looks.

Hyunjin's stare flits to commit every detail of your to memory, in what only seems a quick study of gauging your forthcoming reaction, though even before you can produce a coherent thought, he says,

"You can't tell anyone." His voice drops a few octaves as though he's afraid your snoring friends in the back might've noticed. "Please."

Hyunjin's face softens by the slightest, contrary to his firm demand, there lies a desperation you couldn't overlook.

In retrospect, what you're about to tell is ultimately a promise that'd come back to bite you in due time. However, see now, you're extremely bad at saying no. Somehow you're even worse when it comes to Hyunjin. So you blink, turn the radio off and say,

"Okay."

—

The pool is preheated. For that you're most thankful.

Frankly, you couldn't imagine what it'd be like being pushed into a chilly body of water mid winter. Not that it's pleasant otherwise, you can't swim.

Well at 15, you hadn't quite learned to. The other kids have scurried inside to hog freshly baked Snowman biscuits Seungmin's mum is renowned for.

Then and you think you'll never quite forget it, Hyunjin's wearing an orange power ranger t shirt, it's darker now that it's wet, his glasses are marked with uneven splatters. His face scrunches up at the sudden splash of wetness engulfing his body. He wasn't planning to get in the water.

"Hold on tight." He says, wounding your arms around his neck, your calves tighter to his sides to support your shivering body. Back then Hyunjin's hair was black, cropped short and swept to the side, he smells like fabric softener and skittles. A water donut is discarded in the middle of the pool.

Everybody you know and don't know, from the birth of superheroes stuck in comic books to valiant protagonists behind fuzzy television screens, has this inherent desire to be saved. From the world, from themselves. No, no, it doesn't have to be a grand gesture, swooping them off of their feet from the grasp of surly men in dark alleys, sometimes it's really just simple. Sometimes people save you in the most ordinary way there is.

The weight of your form on his bright pink water donut while he stood on his toes to merely rest his elbows so the item wouldn't flip, a small act, certified this very claim, had not the nimble touch of his cold fingers, brushing away wet hair from your face, to anxiously ask if you're okay met the purpose. He talks to you like the sound of his voice has the power to injure you.

You nod slowly. Like this, it feels like you're going to be.

Hyunjin pouts, looking perfectly unconvinced. He paddles the pair of you to steel stairs spiraling into the pool, so he can stand without just his nose peeking out of the water, he looks at you once again, a wrinkle between his dark, arched eyebrows and says solemnly, "Jisung's such an idiot sometimes, isn’t he?"

But isn't he your friend? You want to ask. Something stops you though —his tone tells you you aren't the only one to fall victim to Jisung's practical jokes. Not that they were offensive or anything. Han Jisung, the same person who twiddles his thumbs when he wants the last chicken nugget and cries every time you watch Howl's Moving Castle together, genuinely doesn't mean any harm. It's just that...when he's comfortable with people, who aren't many, he tends to do a lot of dumb things. Dumb, endearing things that Minho will kill him for someday.

"A little bit," You mumble under your breath. Heat rising to your face at the possibility of Hyunjin being concerned for you. He sounds almost angry. "Thanks by the way."

It's rather pitiful to remember. Because with time, Hyunjin's world becomes so big that your interaction stands to be too insignificant to not forget. Before you know it, he's the shooting guard of your school's basketball team, just a handsome face who dates better girls, makes better friends. It's superficial and a little sad.

No, no, a little sad is an understatement actually.

To see someone you understood intimately, a boy who always described details too much just to stray from the main story, a boy with too many emotions bubbling to an awfully animated surface; someone who was passionate, sensitive and so nauseatingly big hearted...change into a man who is indubitably untouchable...is tragic. At least.

Yet funnily enough — you can't quite imagine a world without Hwang Hyunjin. His ringing laughter rippling through loud ambiences, his distant humming of Christmas carols whilst he absently skimmed through spines of children's novels and his eyes glimmering in adoration whenever he spoke of something he loved — Without him, you imagine, there would be a massive deficiency in your world, in the world. Like if birthday cakes came with the biggest slice carved out.

Hyunjin grins, a big sort of candid grin that turns his eyes into upturned crescents. His previous temperament long forgotten. Suddenly, this utterly atrocious happening seems to not be so bad. Suddenly you don't mind that Jisung is an idiot sometimes.

"Of course."

—

Hyunjin is not perfect. Hyunjin is no prince charming.

People don't know this. They don't understand this.

He ends up paying for dinner when he's out with a big crowd even though they were supposed to split the bill, he ends up crying when he gets angry and he is an abysmal liar, in every sense of the phrase. Hardly ever succeeding to hide his emotions when he should. When he was a kid his parents reminded him that it's a good thing to be unapologetically himself, that being honest is a good thing.

But as your eyes meet from across an ocean of people quagmired by crunchy leaves, sticky remnants of rain and his ex girlfriend who he now claims to be okay with being friends with, on her toes to poke his cheek whilst Chan's arm wraps around her waist, the soft white roses ornamented on a bow she loves wearing all the time, he thinks it's far from an agreeable trait to have.

Actually whilst you balance a newspaper under your arm and bring your coffee to your lips, it's like you're looking through him, past his skin, his flesh, something secret inscribed on his bones, embedded into his soul. You know everything, you know everything, you know everything.

The thought itself... surprisingly enough, doesn't appal him.

Hyunjin raises his palm in the air, feeling the autumn prickling against his skin. He waves at you.

—

Working at a library can be taxing. But it sure has its perks.

You can just about turn the place upside down and put it all back together without getting in trouble. Albeit another reason, besides your profession could be that Minho owns the place. Frankly, he may or may not have been the only cause behind your employment. It's hard to tell now that your co-workers really do recognise you've a knack for arranging things.

But to you, your job is very personal. A precious thing which relieves you from various worldly tensions. Velvety spines under your roughened fingertips, the burst of minted pages hitting your face every time you walk in, your love for reading, for a world of stories is so immense that you think you wouldn't have traded it even if your life depended on it.

For a disease that's not very well known, it's ironic how an entire section of mythology is dedicated to it. Past closing hours, amongst many novels mounted on your desk, you fixate on the one that made most sense. There's a few things you've picked up in common from all of them though — the hanahaki disease is extremely rare, it doesn't affect all those who suffer from the qualms of unrequited love.

Possible remedy according to findings entail

growths can be surgically removed, if the patient consents to eradication of memories of their loved ones.

Clanking of keys alerts incoming and you pause your tapping pen to look up.

"Burning the midnight oil, are we?"

Minho leans against the doorframe, he's half yawning, half talking and fully concerned for you.

"Yeah, looks like I'm gonna be a while." Your monotonous tone provides that you are not paying a lot of attention. You blurt without looking up. "Are you leaving?"

"No, still haven't finished archiving for that Pfizer project...But I'm going to get a bite to eat..." His inky eyes remain on you as his tone falters, "You want anything?"

"I'm fine. Thanks."

"Wow you're like...really uh invested." He tilts his head in thought, "You seeing someone again?"

You know Minho long enough to know he has a teasing side to him, from diaper days to play dates ending in pillow fights because he kept offering you his last Pringle just to pop it into his stupid smirking mouth — but you have no idea where he's going with this.

So you look up, finally. Furrowing your brows.

"No. What does that have to do with anything?"

He shrugs, "I haven't seen you concentrate so hard since you dumped Jeongin."

Your right eye twitches. Because you know exactly what he's referring to, and simultaneously, for the sake of your well-being, you much prefer being in denial. "What?"

"C'mon. Remember how you always ended up doing his homework?" He reminds you. "It's like when you like someone, you go out of your way to do charitable stuff for them. But...this? Too much. Even for you."

You ignore Minho's comment. To the world, Hwang Hyunjin's place in your life is not significant. After all this is the most natural undulation in the vicissitudes of life — for someone who once was your friend to eventually drift apart, to become a has been. It's too hard to explain why you care. After all this time.

"I was just being nice." You narrow your eyes, unimpressed. "Clearly this concept is lost on some people."

"Sure you are, bud. If being 'nice' is synonymous with whipped." Of course, there's a smug grin gracing his pouted lips that tempts you to fling something at him. Not that you can though. Seeing as Minho breaks out into a full fledged sprint, his singsongy voice a thinning echo bouncing off of shelves and windows and doors.

Still somehow his footsteps manage to travel through walls, permeating into your office with such great amplitude that you could be bamboozled into thinking he hasn't left at all. Or maybe you've stopped paying attention, your eyes zoom in on any other helpful detail you can put to use in wrapping your head around what you have witnessed firsthand.

At the same time, you can't really ignore how hungry you're feeling just from the mention of a bite to eat. So when Minho's shadow forms again on the page you've been 'reading' for the last few seconds you sense a gigantic wave of relief washing over you.

"You know what I changed my—" slamming the book shut, you blink against scanty provision of light, with raise your head and a bleary vision, recognise him in an instant. Except...it isn't Minho. "mind..."

The only source of brightness is a small emerald lamp perched on the corner of your desk, light green catches onto one of the ornamented corners and speckles of golden caress his supple skin gently. You hadn't realised how cold it might've been outside until you see how heavily dressed Hyunjin was, a long overcoat worn over woollen sweater, a Santa hat and muffler pulled to his chin. It's no one other than your boss himself who has given him directions to your office, you know this, Hyunjin has never been inside before.

So when he marvels absently, you sense yourself feeling a little self conscious about not cleaning up. All around you, a comforter and love seat pushed against the window, cigarette butts discarded in ashtray and then...the books strewn before you tell him you practically live here.

For some reason, Hyunjin only seems to loosen up at the spectacle.

"Hi." He says finally.

"Hi..." you arrange the reading materials quickly to one side so you can rest your elbows. A small (successful) attempt made to hide your research. "Something up?" You say, but what you really mean is, what are you doing here?!

Did he suspect you were going to tell on him? Right that's it, that must be it, you tell yourself, believing, knowing, of all the years Hwang Hyunjin has known of you he has never been one to care about your whereabouts.

"I just...um," He starts, forwarding his mitten clad hands. It's the back of a crumpled coffee cup on which straight handwriting reads a bucket list...of sorts. You immediately understand that his coming is an act of impulse. Urgency of living every moment like it's slipping through it's fingers, that he just needed to tell the only person who knows, be it by accident.

Hyunjin clears his throat. "I wanna do all this before I die."

In lieu of giving an instant response, baffled, you gawp at him. Despite knowing, hearing Hyunjin say it out loud somehow makes everything...too real.

It's as though someone's reached inside your throat, pulled your heart out and crushed it with their bare hands. Hyunjin, the boy who smelled like fabric softener and skittles and wore power ranger shirts, the boy with the fantastic smile and cold fingers, is dying. You won't let him. You can't let him.

You thumb along the numbers scribbled in hasty penmanship, look up and blink rapidly, "Okay," you say, a small whisper, barely there words. "That's okay."

Even with the hat covering tips of ears, you could tell the same faint blush coating his cheeks had rushed to that particular area. His eyes drift off to the sight of pens discarded inside a wooden holder because he can feel your gaze on him. "and I...I need your help."

"Alright."

Hyunjin's eyes widen to a great degree, he sits straighter, as if he hadn't expected you to comply so quickly.

And honestly? Neither had you.

It's quiet. Awkward.

"You know it's not like I haven't thought about dying. I just figured I'd get to grow old first, settle down, have kids and all that," A wry laugh escapes his parted lips. "Everything's happening too fast."

You hesitate, thinking he's making a mistake. Frankly he shouldn't feel obligated to give you an explanation.

"You...you don't have to tell me."

"No—I mean...can I?" He gives you a sheepish look, disliking his own whimsical tone, somehow endearing still. You find yourself wondering how long he had to keep his burdens to himself, not just pertaining to his illness, but everything. His dreams, his hopes, his fears. Anything which requires a certain amount of depth. And you almost ask him, the question sitting at the tip of your tongue, yet the realisation rather simple, stops you. Maybe you've mistranslated 21 year old Hyunjin all along — moulding himself into someone who's convenient around people who only liked him for who he appeared to be, maybe even with all that popularity, parties and glamour, he's just...lonely.

You push your reading glasses into your hair, press your knuckles under your chin and hum in consent.

He shifts in his seat, "Have you ever... been in love?"

You release an amused huff. Let your eyes linger on him for a long minute.

"Once."

Hyunjin half expects you to laugh. Poke fun at him for his melodramatic backstory. That's the sole reason why he doesn't tell his friends (funny, for people he considers close, they seem to know not much about him or care to know, that is. ). But you... you look at him with something in your eyes that tells him the rubbish reasons he posited makes all the sense in the world. Hyunjin's unsure of the tingle in his gut, why it's happening. But he thinks, just for a second, it feels a little like hope.

—

 Midnight rendezvous.

As someone who has lived a fairly extraordinary life, Hwang Hyunjin's bucket list is bafflingly ordinary. He's more of a finding joy in small things kind of a person, punctilious at best.

Things change. People notice. They hesitate, whisper about you and last night while you were out on last minute cheap wine run, the grocerer, a girl who looks around sixteen asks you if you're dating Hyunjin. Underneath the thinly veiled curiousity, there's something like anger dripping from her words.

You furrow your eyebrows in simple insinuation that it's weird for a stranger to take interest in your life. Maybe it was written on your face, the fact that you're a dying man's beck and call is for reasons far more complicated than it looks.

You go to his parties. Greet him as a friend would and not just for the sake of maintaining formalities. He comes to the library more times than he does, waits for you to get off work so you can check something off the list at least. People notice. People understand. Hyunjin's different around you. He's bright, talkative when he forgets to contain himself. You sense your heart swelling with pride just at the understanding that he can be himself around you.

You drive to the beach, sit in your trunk and drink straight out of the bottle.

Hyunjin laughs a little. Suspends his feet in the air. With time, he's gotten paler, exhausted. "Rough day?"

You hum.

"Very. Our children's collection is usually low in stock around the weekends."

Hyunjin crosses his arms over his chest. Curious.

"And?"

"And if I say I got yelled at by a toddler would you believe me?"

Hyunjin feigns contemplation, even with the realisation that his body is becoming less and less cooperative, he manages to remain perfectly cheerful.

"I can actually," he grins, "At that age, I was a real pain in the ass."

"Were?"

Your smile is just a slight curl against the bottle's mouth as he grumbles under his breath about your 'insensitive' remark.

You think of your life after Hyunjin, think of his absence like a gaping hole you'll never be able to fill out. It makes you sick to your stomach.

—

Bake something from scratch.

Hyunjin's face twists in apparent thought, eyebrows rising. A pink tongue poked against his cheek, whilst he chews carefully, trying really hard not to flash an accidental reaction whilst you clasp your butter and oat flour soiled hands together, some of the batter on your cheek, neck to anticipate his answer like your will to live depends on it.

You ask yourself how it got to this. Why you didn't care that you were awake so early on a Sunday morning with flour powdering every kitchen appliance in sight in spite of being awfully restrictive about who you let into your kitchen. But it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter because it's nice like this.

Hyunjin has his hair pulled away from his bare face, a mole under his eye, a small birthmark on the back of his ear.

When you first met, you thought he was a kind of handsome that couldn't be real. Something formidable about it. Only destined to exist behind fuzzy television screens and flashy magazines.

But in retrospect, you realise, that that's not true at all. 

If you look close enough, if you really pay attention, there's a softness underneath, something goofy, something warm, the sharp jut of his nose circling into a soft button, his eyes are big, black and his mouth jutted out into a natural pout, he looks innocent, like he doesn't quite realise the extent of his charms.

"It's..." His soft voice pulls you out of your reverie, and you look up to find his eyes glimmering jovially. Every time it surprises you, the lack of regret in them and the abundance of nonchalance. You wonder what it means to love someone like that, to love someone to the point of martyrdom. It shouldn't be like this. "perfect,"

"This is like, the only batch we didn't burn, right?"

You snort, "Yeah." Fully turn to him, "You know what they say, fifth time's the charm."

Hyunjin's laugh, you think, is so contagious that it makes it an imperative to smile in return. In shaky compartments the sound comes, like being 8, laying wide-eyed in a paddling pool and staring up at a crayon blue sky, raindrop rippling beyond all that noiseless water. His eyes curve to upturned crescents, an unconscious hand covering up the seams of his lips whilst he shakes his head. You don't even notice when he starts speaking again.

"Huh?"

"I said you got a little...something..."

You almost lose a fraction of your sanity when his nimble fingers come to wrap around your wrist while you hold onto the spatula employed into the whole snickerdoodle batter mixing business, a liberated hand coming up to gently wipe your cheek. It means everything to you. And nothing to him.

Later, when you're alone at night, really alone, you put your palm to your chest and feel the unsteady beat of your heart. A warning, a reminder. I can't. I can't. I can't.

—

You hold Hyunjin's hair up. His hands resting on the cold toilet seat, he's whimpering and bleeding. It happens every time he sees Haseul, or something which reminds him of her. Like the song.

This time she's drunk. And it's because she impulsively rises to her toes and presses a tender kiss to Chan's lips.

Hyunjin's just a feet away, across students and solo cups and streaks of neon falling irregularly through his line of sight.

He can never confess, not to her. The last thing Hyunjin wants is for her to feel bad for him. To say she feels the same as an act of service. He tells you. You understand. Somehow... you always understand.

They met in college, Hyunjin and she. And Chan was an upperclassman who seemed to be good at...well everything. At first, he couldn't figure out why it never occured to him before, the fact they were getting together maybe before, after or during the length of their relationship.

Though the answer is simple.

Hyunjin thinks the pillar to good relationships is trust. Call him a sappy romantic or whatever but he had seen true love manifest from it through generations before him and his parents and their parents. To think a different fate was woven for him...used to be unimaginable.

How ironic is that?

Hyunjin presses his cheek against your chest because he doesn't want you to look at him when he cries.

Then for the first time....he tells you he's scared. He's scared of what will happen to him. Of what is happening to him.

He's falling apart.

You cradle him, press him closer to your body like you're trying to put him together. People can't fix each other. Not really. But sometimes... they're worth the try.

"Hey...hey...it's alright," You shush him, run your fingers through his hair. Your voice almost breaking, faltering. Still this, this you mean it with every fibre of your being. "It's okay to be scared."

—

Self bleach hair.

It's Christmas and you're late for a late night dinner he's putting together. (As reluctant as he was about getting along with Hyunjin, he seems all too eager to make invite him whenever a get together takes effect.)

His apartment smells like floor cleaner. There's a queen sized bed pushed against an electric blue wall, a Fleetwood Mac poster taped to his door, small reading desk where Canon EOS New Kiss rests, polaroids of things checked off the list littered all its wooden surface.

You pick up the only photo he hasn't labelled, it reminds you that your friendship isn't just based off a pursuit. This is natural. Pizza box discarded between you two, on your roof top. It's a little too dark, you're holding a cigarette between your fingers, you're laughing and Hyunjin looks like he's going to complain the minute he's done taking the picture. (And he does.)

You smile, pressing your fingers against it like the touch could transport you to a simpler time.

"Ready to go?"

Hyunjin rakes a tentative hand through his newly dyed hair, grey (a suitable colour he says.). You can tell he's put a lot of effort into cleaning up, his usual hoodies and sweats alternated with a red satin shirt tucked into dark dress pants and a coat of the same colour.  Hyunjin is beautiful. Perhaps even more like this. In fact, the extent of this quality is so Goliath-like that it obliges dolled up attendees to marvel up in awe.  While you fully agree with their unsaid ponderings, you really do, you find yourself missing a less sophisticated version of him. 

"Yeah, but first..." you fish out a wrapped squarish material from the depths of your pocket. Hyunjin's eyes widen, two bunny-like teeth showing for the extent of his grin.

"You got me a present!" He all but rips it out of your hand, shaking the material eagerly. He’s a Christmas person, a supreme holiday enthusiast if you will. The sheer excitement in him projects itself in every physical aspect possible. Slight jumping on the balls of his feet. "It's a cassette...?"

You speak too much, nervous he doesn't like it. "It’s a Christmas mix. I thought...since you like carols. I know it's a little old school, I'm sorry if that’s not what you were hoping for—"

Hyunjin pulls you into a big hug, wrapping his entire body it feels like; his arms around your waist, he squeezes you tighter against him, "Thank you." He whispers into your hair, it's not just about the cassette, you can tell. 

There's a small light bulb dangling from his ceiling, he hasn't fixed it since the first time you pointed it out. You can tell with your eyes closed, you've begun to know more intimately than your own home. It's safe here. A place that deludes you into thinking that he's not running out of time, that even in his absence in the world, whenever you should walk into this room, it would be an imperative to find Hyunjin lazying about in its confines. Familiarity can be quite tricky, can't it?

His gratitude is not unknown to you. It's in the guilty smile that threatens to show every now and then, it's in this and it's in that. In many ways, it is not something you're a stranger to.

And yet the words manage to tears your heart at the seams. Just a little.

—

 Make a snow angel.

From above, he imagines, he may appear to look like a chunk of cookie dough in an ice cream pint.

The snow is not as comfortable as it appears, its frigid temperature seeps into Hyunjin's clothes (and what feels like his internal organs, if that's even possible). He waves his hands and legs inward, outward.

Your head tilts towards him. Face twisted in annoyance. "You're getting on my wing!" You say. "Have you no respect for personal space?!"

Hyunjin narrows his eyes jovially. And people tell him he's the one with a penchant for theatrics. He leans closer in rebuttal, waving his leg around your design with more purpose.  You give up. Sit on your knees, fumble with the snow. He’s still in the same position. Smug as ever...

"This is what happens when you disrespect your elders." He fake-warns. "Oka—"

What he doesn't anticipate, however, is the snowball you launch on his stupid grinning face. Now it's your turn to laugh. You clutch your stomach and point at him whilst he glares at you having barely managed to blow the snow off of his mouth.

"Oh, you're gonna get it now!"

You let out an animalistic screech, Hyunjin’s already trapped you under his weight, his thighs wound around your waist, hamstringing your plan to escape, now you're merely squirming. His fingers come down to attack your sides, digging into the flesh so mercilessly to the point you’re not sure if you’re laughing or crying. It's like there's a wildfire inside your lungs.

For a moment you forget, you let yourself forget what's to come.

“Alright, alright I’m sorry!” you press your palms against his chest in an attempt to push him off, Hyunjin has a dumb smile on his face that seems to give the impression of a hanger  stuck inside his mouth. But... there's something behind his entertainment as the sound of his laugh dies down, chest heaving with exercise. His smile drops.

You can count each lash, each freckle and line on his face. The dark in his eyes. The pink of his lips. Your sweater's ridden to your ribs. And the warmth of his fingers shifting against your bare skin hits you with an earthshattering force.

Hyunjin kisses you. For a fleeting second, you freeze. Rigid with shock. Then it passes as soon as it comes.

 You let out a noise of content,indubitably grateful that your neighbours forgot to put on their porch light for the night.  See it’s like this, the act of kissing is not as special as is the person himself, you muse, you can kiss anyone, you can touch and be touched by anyone. But none of that truly compares to this. Not when they aren't him.

You’d be lying if you said you never thought about it. Just like you’ve thought about a lot of things. But just the realisation that the boy you’ve harboured in your heart for more complicated reasons than you disclose, to yourself even, touches you with so, so much care...it’s tearing you apart. 

It’s too good to be real.

You suddenly push him away. The tugging and pulling at your heart too much to handle. For the fact remains — Hyunjin doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. You never expected him to. Actually, you've never felt what you feel with that condition in mind either.

See when the feeling of having everything you could ever want is cradled between your palms...it ought to be hard to let go. (Maybe he’s just doing this because he feels bad for you, the little voice in your head says. You listen.)

Hyunjin speaks up first.

“I love Haseul.”  he tells you, but it sounds more like he’s telling himself. “That’s why...that’s why, all this...I love her.” Not you.

You swallow, “I know.” Your hands come up to dust your pants. Hyunjin’s still on his knees, as if the answer to his conflicts are deposited under all the snow. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not, it’s not okay. I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have done—”

Now you hear it, the hint of pity in his voice. You don’t mean to sound as bitter as you do. Seeing as you’re usually very good at keeping calm , breaking that very reputed front frustrates you even more.

“Look just forget about it, okay? We don’t have to talk about this.”

Hyunjin looks like he didn’t expect this side of you to exist. At least, you think, at least it got him to stop talking.

—

Learn to skate.

"If I fall, I'm taking you with me."

"You say it like I have a choice."

Hyunjin shoots you a warning glare even though you can't see. His choppy skidding steps supported by the vice grip he has on your arms. You haven't skated since you were in highschool. But when you're pretty good at it still, the smooth blade of your beaten skates gliding through ice with much dexterity, it's like floating, freeing, the wind hitting your faces, snow catching in your lashes. It's peaceful, you try not to think about the warmth of Hyunjin's arm circling around body, the vague rhythm of his heartbeat against your back. His laboured breaths on your neck. It's torturous. But spending so much time with him has taught you to hide your feelings better.

The park welcomes a large crowd around holiday season, children with toothless grins, tugging onto their mum's coats, small chin resting onto a parents' head, teenagers moving in together in school uniforms. It's the happiest time of the year. When you move past an elderly couple, they smile and tell you make a wonderful couple.

You're just about to make a correction. This puts you in an awkward position... doesn't it?

But then Hyunjin grins toothily and says, Thank you, like it's the most amusing thing in the world. You ignore the wrenching inside your chest.

Hyunjin leans forward, his plump lips brushing against your ear. "Where did you learn to skate so well?!" There's something like excitement in his kiddish laugh aside from admiration. It's not much of a question as it is an exclamation.

"I am pretty good, aren't I?"

He laughs, doesn't let you go. "Yes, yes...really good."

Out of breath, you slow down, move your feet steadily, careful not to lose balance.

"Oh my God! It is you!"

You raise your head, blink against flakes hindering your vision. Jeongin's voice used to be thinner before. As far as you remember. Now it has a weight to it.

You let out a nervous laugh.

"And it's you..."

Jeongin's eyes travel to the arms around your waist, to the stiffened figure behind you and you immediately liberate yourself. Moving to let Hyunjin use your arm as purchase, you don't fail to notice the pinch in his forehead, a frown on his mouth.

"This is my friend Hyunjin. Hyunjin, this is Jeongin—"

"We used to go out." Jeongin smiles, forwarding his hand, which is returned with an unenthused shake and a demure reply. Hyunjin never speaks to anyone this way, not even people he claims to hate.

The former male looks to you again, "I was, uh... wondering if you'd like to go out for a cup of coffee sometime."

Things between you and him ended amicably at the event of his departure for further studies, which deprives you of awkward tension which is expected when exes meet.

Besides, a cup of coffee never hurt anyone.

Right?

Without thinking, you nod slowly, "Yeah that sounds good,"

"Text me anytime."

"Sure."

 “I'll be out of your hair then," he beams. "It was very nice meeting you too, Hyunjin."

"Right."

Hyunjin, you realise, has released your arm. He leans on barricades fencing along the skating area, smiling briefly. You know it’s wrong...yet you sense that you almost need him to be upset.

Then he tilts his head back towards you, "He seems like a really nice guy," he whispers, genuinely meaning every word. Your heart sinks. "I see the appeal." Underneath the lurid glare of fairy lights brandished overhead, Hyunjin's ash hair glints like it's threaded out of silver. You wonder what he's thinking.

—

 Watch every Disney movie ever made.

You never end up texting Jeongin back. Just stalling for when you're ready, you tell yourself. Even though that's not true at all.

"This brings back so many memories. My parents used to belt out A Whole New World with me, like every time we watched Aladdin."

Hyunjin wipes his face with the back of his hand, technically you’re not very sure what he’s saying exactly because he’s mumbling into a paper napkin you've  passed over for the umpteenth time. You find yourself picturing a small but happy family of three, of Hyunjin in Scooby Doo pajamas and gap between his teeth. (Contrary to your previous convictions, he hasn't changed all at much, save for the teeth bit. ) It's cute.

He looks to you expectantly. Can't be the only one telling embarrassing stories.

You shrug, "I had a thing for Simba. Let's just say my mum and dad were nice enough to indulge me."

Hyunjin reaches for the remote and pauses the ending credits of Lady and the Tramp. He turns to you fully now, gives you a judgemental stare. "Simba...?" He says, "Like the...lion?"

"What? It's normal to crush on fictional characters, okay?!"

"Okay,sure," Hyunjin snorts, putting a pillow between you and him so you can't kill him. "furry."

A part of you is tempted, obviously. But the much bigger part is more invested in how he looks happier, healthier. You want to think that means something.

—

Hyunjin invites you over for movie night. It's getting colder and you keep poking him with your cold feet. There's an extra set of blankets in his cupboard, he informs you, he isn't sharing his with you — and that's when you see it.

The deflated pink donut folded to the side, his and yours sharpie inscribed initials on one side. 

"Found it yet?"

You don't even notice when he comes to stand behind you. So the question effectively makes you jump out of your skin. Hyunjin has a bowl of popcorn pressed to his chest, there's a pink hair band holding his hair away from his forehead. For the lack of a answer he takes it on himself to find the source of your silence. As if you've been caught red handed.

You think this is where he'll ask you to leave, that or he'll least scold you or something. You prepare for the worst.

Hyunjin just smiles, it's a big smile that succeeds in bringing out the small dimple indented on the side of his cheek. You've never noticed before. It's kinda weird. Because when it comes to him, your attention hardly ever falters.

"You probably don't remember. That’s from Seungmin's 15th birthday,"

You want to scoff under your breath. All this time you had told yourself that you were the only one to be affected by your estranged friendship growing up. Now...the same logic colours you every bit of ridiculous. 

You blink away, swallowing. Voice solemn.

"I remember." Hyunjin's gaze is heavy on your shoulders. An emotion you can't quite put a finger on crosses his delicate features. It's something between surprise and relief... something else too. You don’t understand it. 

—

It's disconcerting that he can’t remember the last time he got sick. Not the usual discomfort inside his chest, not the blood, not the thorns or petals. Hyunjin's just gotten so used to it, you know? What if he gets his hopes up for no good reason? What if it just comes back?

There's no possible explanation, he explains over a hasty 3 A.M message he had to leave on your answering machine because he's freaking out.

Then Haseul texts Hyunjin, tells him she misses him. Everything's adding up. Everything's falling into place. This is what he wanted, isn't it? She loves him, she finally loves him back. That must be it. He doesn't know what to say. 

But he tells you, and when he does, it sounds a lot like an apology.

— 

Kiss underneath a mistletoe. 

“Chan and I broke up.” She says it like it’s something he should be happy about. So when he remains quiet, it only prompts her to speak more, fill up the big mighty silences. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Look Jinnie, I know I made a mistake, but...can’t you give a second chance? Just this once?”

Hyunjin has thought about this particular moment a lot. Kissing her instead of producing a response, pulling her off of her feet and mumbling of course, of course, of course. Back then, there were little doubts in his head pertaining to her, back then he believed that she was the only one for him. The love of his life at the wrong time, in the wrong place.

Now...something doesn’t feel right. 

The thing about wounds, sometimes, of the heart in particular, is when they close up, it’s hard to make head or tails of the kind of person you become in their wake. Hard to adjust. Like when he suddenly shot up 7 inches in ninth grade, a late bloomer at that, and the weight of his new sneakers felt..odd.

He glances at her and also understands what it’s like to be lonely, the constant need to compensate for it by grasping at the last straw. He used to be in her shoes too. This isn’t any different.  Albeit, he isn’t exactly taken by her presence. Just that he doesn’t know if what he’s doing is right. He looks over your table a few feet away from where he’s standing. Having gone out to take a call. You notice his absence and then from your seat, do your best to locate him. (he thinks of kissing you on a bed of snow, thinks of the sizzle of your skates against ice, thinks of his list on a coffee cup and his pink water donut and it’s okay to be scared. Why did it have to be you of all people, through everything? It’s not really a work of coincidence. Not at all actually.

  Maybe he just wanted it to be you.)

When your eyes do lock...seeing him with his hands in his pockets, her standing beyond the barrier as she tries to say something, you smile, even if it’s a little sad. Hyunjin thinks to the conversation some nights before. Thinks of you reminding him that there's nothing to lose at this point, that he should do what his heart tells him. That it’ll be alright, if he just takes a leap of faith. Hyunjin smiles back. Through the glassy exterior and mini water fountains running down its slanted form. The realisation is not as dramatic as he thought. It’s just late.

 He tears off the false mistletoe decoration glued along the periphery of an arch.

And like always.

He takes your advice.

— 

Cohorts of guests pour into the colossal hotel, heads turning in quiet admiration for bejeweled arches breaking out against buttery white architecture, the roof is impossibly naked, translucent glass baring a starlit sky to your watchful eyes. Showing little mercy to a frail chute held over your head,costumed characters wade through oceans of gossamer, twinkling silver and swaying movements to slow jazz. You prop a heeled foot up on the bar platform, which strangely resembles a pedestal, in a futile attempt to catch your breath, with clammy digits settled atop the risky surface of a marbled counter. A soft voice speaks over the ambience, uttering your name with much care. You lift your head. And there he is.

Jisung is scouring through the Spotify playlist you’ve put together for New Year’s Eve. He’s complaining about the lack of Beyoncé while your friends go around the buffet table. When he calls you, you’re sipping your drink, laughing at something Changbin is saying, his eyes brighten just at the sound of your laugh.  Hyunjin isn’t surprised to see his friend taking a liking of you even though he hardly knows you. That’s just the effect you have on people.

Excusing yourself, you allow him to walk you to a less densely populated area where a stone pillar faces expensive paintings of nameless painters. With the effect of alcohol settling in and your inhibitions effectively lowered, your steps sway a little. You lean against the massive build rising from tiled floor. “So what’s up?” you murmur, the lump in your throat thickening just at the thought of him speaking the good news into existence. “I take it went well?”

 Hyunjin doesn't answer. He looks distracted for a bit. Then in an instant he snaps out of his daze. “What did you mean when you said ‘once’?”

Your brows come together in inquiry.

“What?”

"When I asked you if you have ever been in love, you said ‘once’." He persists, his fingers come up to your shoulder, grazing slightly as if they’re trying to carve out words against the skin. "You weren’t talking about Jeongin.”

He knows. He’s always known. Hyunjin can’t believe he’s been so stupid.

“Took you long enough.” You let out a sardonic laugh.“Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it?”

"It matters to me..." Hyunjin sounds offended, you gather, but he manages to quell his temper for the sake of coaxing your confession. Is he purposely embarrassing you?  "I don’t think...I love Haseul anymore...I didn’t realise...I haven’t for a long time."  

A big chandelier beams over withering plants pushed against the ceiling, in this poor supply of light, you can tell exactly how he looks, eyes glimmering adoringly, you've spent something-teen years of your life wondering what it's supposed to mean. And it still manages to confuse you.

"Why are you telling me this?" you ask, albeit you already know.  Because funnily enough, before he got his braces removed and dyed his hair a scandalous blonde, before bucket lists and heartbreak, he was just the boy who told you he liked your stupid reindeer sweater even though it had officially made you the 7th grade laughing stock. You remember being fifteen and in love with Hyunjin. And you've never actually stopped. You need to hear it to believe it.

It drives you crazy. The way Hyunjin brushes his fingers against your cheek, shifting strands away from your eyes. But you can't help it, you've always wanted this. You lean into the caress, peering up at him as his large hand cups your jaw, thumb traversing from your tilted chin to your glossy lips like he's trying to smooth out all the creases. His voice is small, a whisper.

"Because I need you to know I think I’m falling in love with you.” he says. His palm opens and there’s a plastic mistletoe nestled between his fingers. You’re smiling and sniffling whilst his forehead comes to press against yours. Hyunjin grins. “And there’s still one last item on my list.”

“Are you seriously asking me to land one on you now?”

“Oh hell yeah.”

— 

"Move."

You press your fingers against the slick, sweaty skin.

In rebuttal, Hyunjin grumbles under his breath. Only half awake, half aware that he was mumbling in his sleep. His naked chest seems to be, if it’s even possible, glued to your bare front as he sprawls out like a starfish over your body, using his gangly arms to accommodate the strange position.

Though and you know he knows it too — it’s anything but uncomfortable.

See by now, you aren't exactly a stranger to Hyunjin's sleeping habits. Or really, any habits of his.

All the windows are cracked open, moonlight percolating through a thin sheet of curtains in rendering evidence that it’s still night time. You can make out the faint sound of  honking in the distance, a few stray dogs here and there, probably producing strings of complaints about the blatantly unbearable heat.

The strong stench of sweat and an aftermath of what happened before is a quick reminder of where you are, what you’re doing and that your arm’s going cold for a lack of circulation under his weight. Beads of sweat collected against his skin and trickle down the side of your face, the crook of your neck, which only prompts you to apply more force to the pads of your index and pointer — albeit it did nothing to move him, "Gross." You groan. "You're sweating like a pig!"

This comment, of all the things you've tried to get him to sleep on his side, succeeds in making Hyunjin raise his head, his grey hair matted down, a few rogue strands pushed out to fall over the unamused look in his eyes.

In an unprecedented minute of absolute clarity, something inside your stomach started to churn at the shocking sight. You’re impossibly, absolutely and nauseatingly in love with Hwang Hyunjin and the funny thing is, you don’t have to think twice to know he is too.

"Gross?" Hyunjin lowers his face to brush his pouted lips along your jaw, grinning when you let out a shaky but involuntary breath and as if he is looking to make a point with his digits traversing from your bare stomach, just along the hem of your underwear,   "After all that?"

"I hate you." You say — but more like, stutter. The sound of his giggles eliciting a strange sensation in you, reverberating against your chest, knocking against his ribs and your skin, like it’s trying to reach out to you, like your bodies insist on melding into one.

"I don’t think you’re being honest, baby." He laughs, squeezing your side, coming up to plant a warm palm to your butt to repeat the action, which in turn, drew a mewl from you. “Because you looove me.” Hyunjin smirks, his finger thumbing along your throat to your chin. You think this is what all those great poets meant in endless litanies of lovers torn apart by time and war woven together in a simple caress, like a longing, like a secret. Guarded from prying eyes, greedy hands, and you keep it, you keep it. For him. With him.

[calwrites]

Star Star Tours

Summary: You and Sebastian have been dating for a while now, but the public doesn’t know that yet. Keeping your secret causes some tension on James Corden’s Star Star Tours.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x actress!reader

This is my first time writing for Marvel, so I hope people enjoy! It’s just something that I wrote really quick, but I love the bus tour video, and I thought this could be a cute story. Also, Sebastian was not in nearly enough of the disposable camera pictures.

It was no secret that press tours could be draining. Being stuck in a room for multiple days while people keep asking you the same questions over and over again even though they know that you can’t really answer them. And considering how big Infinity War is, it was no surprise that there were even more interviews than usual.

That was why you had been so excited when you had heard about James Corden’s bus tour. Getting to spend the day outside, surrounded by some of your costars, sounded like a vacation compared to being stuck in a chair all day. There was no doubt in your mind that it would be chaos. Of course, you would do you best to add to that chaos.

Still, as you glanced over at your boyfriend, you thought that maybe press tours weren’t all that bad. You and Sebastian had met while filming Civil War, but you hadn’t really talked much. Sebastian was pretty quiet, and you had worried that he found your loudness annoying, so you had focused on befriending your costars who seemed more receptive to your large personality.

It wasn’t until the press tour that you actually got to know Sebastian. You weren’t sure if you had been partnered with Sebastian and Anthony because someone thought Anthony might ease your nerves about your first Marvel press tour or if they hoped being stuck with two people as outgoing as you and Anthony might force Sebastian out of his shell. Either way, the three of you had been a hit that press tour. More importantly, Sebastian had asked you out shortly after Civil War premiered.

The two of you had been dating ever since. It had made interviews a bit difficult for both of you though. You had decided to keep your relationship private. In theory, you were going to go public after a few months, but the two of you had enjoyed having a part of your lives that was actually private. It was a surprise that no one had let it slip, considering both Tom Holland and Mark Ruffalo knew about the relationship. Still, it was hard ignoring dating rumors every time someone thought you must be with whatever costar you had smiled at that week.

“What are you thinking about?” Sebastian asked, glancing at you before looking back the road. He took one hand off the wheel and grabbed your hand, entwining your fingers.

“Nothing.” You knew that Sebastian wouldn’t buy it. Not when he had seen your goofy grin.

“Nothing? Wanna try again?”

“What if we went to the premiere together?” You kept your eyes on your hand, still entwined with Sebastian’s.

“Like together together?” Sebastian took his hand back so he could turn into the parking lot of the studio. You tried not to notice the slight frown that he wore as he thought about your idea.

“We don’t have to. It’s just that it’s been almost two years. I thought it could be a good time. Maybe everyone will be so focused on the movie that we wouldn’t be big news.” Sebastian didn’t answer as he parked. You could already see a producer rushing over to the car, no doubt to get your ready for the tour. “You don’t have to answer now. Let’s just enjoy the tour and we can talk about it later.”

Sebastian nodded in agreement and the two of you climbed out of the car and made your way over towards the bus.

After you got your mic and everything, you climbed up to the top of the bus, where James gave you a name tag after doing a little bit. Immediately, you rushed to the front row and took the seat next to Lizzie. The two of you had clicked immediately while filming Civil War, and she had been one of your best friends ever since. 

You noticed that Sebastian waited for a few more people to get on before he climbed on and took a seat at the back next to Winston. You tried not to read too much into the fact that he was sitting as far away from you as possible. It was possible, probable even, that he was keeping his distance just so neither of you slipped up on camera. It was a tactic you used quite often. But it was also possible that you had freaked him out when you proposed going public and now he was going to avoid you.

Shaking off the doubts in your head, you picked up the disposable camera that you had been given and started snapping pictures as everyone settled in. To your relief, Sebastian gave you a smile and a small wave when you pointed the camera at Paul and Letitia, catching him in the background. Before it could descend into total chaos, the bus began moving and the tour started.

You and Lizzie almost died laughing when Benedict had to put sunscreen on James’s legs, but he had a point. “Does anyone need face sunscreen?” you asked, waving the bottle of face sunscreen that you had thrown in your purse at the last minute. Very pointedly, you turned to Benedict and Hiddleston. “I’m looking at you two.”

“We get it, Y/N,” Anthony yelled from the back. “You’re a mom friend.” You stuck your tongue out in reply, mainly because flipping him off didn’t seem very TV friendly. Nevertheless, your sunscreen got passed around the bus. Paul tried to give it back to you without putting any on, claiming that he didn’t need any, which resulted in you and Lizzie basically wrestling him and putting it on his face yourselves. The laugh died in your throat as you began turning back to the front and caught sight of Sebastian’s grumpy face. You raised your eyebrows, but he looked away.

“What’s up with him?” Lizzie asked quietly. Apparently she had seen his expression too. You could only hope that no camera had caught it.

“Tell you later.” You tapped slightly on your mic and Lizzie nodded.

Luckily James began the tour before you could dwell on it any more. Between Don’s exaggerated pose when he took a picture of the coffee shop, getting into trouble with James for being “disruptive,” and the singalong, which you got way too into, you had almost forgotten about Sebastian’s stormy expression.

“This is actually Barbara Streisand’s holiday home,” James said, pointing at some strange, red building. “She actually designed it herself.”

“Is that true, Josh?” you called, spinning around so you could face him.

Josh shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

“Well what do you know? You’re just the bad guy. You’re just trying to cause trouble,” James complained.

“She’s his stepmom, so I think I trust him a bit more than you, James. Sorry.” You shrugged innocently at him before turning back around the air high five Josh. Again, as you were turning back to the front, you caught Sebastian’s eye. He was basically glaring at you.

“What?” you mouthed at him, which of course everyone behind you saw, causing them to turn to look at Sebastian too.

“Y/N, I am trying to give a tour, and you are being disruptive once again. I need eyes up front please.”

“But James,” you whined, huffing in your seat like a little kid, “Sebastian keeps looking at me. Tell him to stop.”

“Sebastian, I need all eyes on me, please. I am the reason you all paid to be here-”

“We have to pay for this?” Hiddleston asked, but James continued as if he hadn’t said anything.

“-so I need you to stop looking at Y/N and pay attention to me.”

“I didn’t even look at her. What am I not allowed to look around now?” Sebastian answered a bit too hotly. There was a brief moment where you could feel everyone look between the two of you, even James and Reggie, who had no idea why it was so strange that Sebastian had snapped like that.

“Geez, Mackie, control your man,” you joked, trying desperately to diffuse the tension.

“No way. Sebastian is not my man. He’s sitting with Winston, so he’s Winston’s problem today,” Mackie yelled back. Luckily, this caused Winston and Anthony to start bickering about who had to take care of Sebastian during the tour. Sebastian, of course, hated the attention and eventually agreed to behave and even gave you a very child-like “Sorry, Y/N.” You stuck your tongue out in response and turned back to give James your full attention.

You all continued the act of disconnected celebrities as James explained what waiting in line was. Hoping to get a better view of the “normal people,” you tried to stand on your chair like you were ogling some animal at the zoo, but almost immediately at least five different people were yelling at you to get down. Apparently it “wasn’t safe” to stand on top of chairs on top of a moving bus.

“Excuse me. I don’t mean to interrupt, but I have to use the bathroom. Can I use the bathroom?” You didn’t turn around this time, worried about seeing Sebastian staring at you again. Instead, you focused on the faux apologetic look on James’s face.

“I’m really sorry. The problem is that the rules on the tour is that you have to have appeared in three or more Marvel movies to use the bathroom. End credits scenes don’t count. Y/N, do you have to use the bathroom?”

“I haven’t been in three movies,” you pointed out.

“That’s right, you haven’t. So I hope you don’t have to use the bathroom. Tom Hiddleston, do you need to use the bathroom?”

“I’m actually okay.”

“Oh, so sorry Y/N. Sorry Josh. Maybe you should ask your stepmom Barbra Streisand if you can use the bathroom at her holiday home.”

“I don’t even have to go,” you protested as Lizzie died laughing next to you.

“Well that’s good because you can’t. Now, does anyone die in the next Avengers?”

The bus was quiet as you all looked at each other. Finally, Paul yelled, “Snitches end up in ditches!”

“I thought they got stitches first,” you whispered to Lizzie.

“Apparently Paul is skipping that part,” she replied. The two of you gave each other a look before dissolving into giggles at the thought of Paul actually throwing someone in a ditch.

The tour continued with more of James’s jokes before he had the bus pull over at a comic shop. A part of you was nervous to go inside. While most of the fans that you had met were nice, you knew that there were still a lot of comic fans who didn’t like your character, or how you played your character, or that you had been cast, or whatever. You gave Lizzie’s hand a nervous squeeze, which she returned, but really you wanted to be holding Sebastian’s hand. You were each other’s biggest supporter. Whenever one of you was feeling nervous, the other was normally right there to offer support.

But instead, you walked in separately.

Luckily, everyone seemed too starstruck to gripe about anything. It ended up being a pretty nice time. You signed some comics and chatted to some fans. One girl even told you about a tattoo dedicated to your character that she was going to get. You almost had a heart attack when she asked you to write down her favorite line of yours, so that she could add that to the tattoo. Afterwards, Mackie had teased you about how much your hand was shaking when you were writing it. It looked like Sebastian was about to say something, but then a camera was suddenly in your face and he disappeared to the other side of the store.

After buying a couple of comics for yourself, you and Lizzie found yourselves in the corner of the store playing with a Scarlet Witch doll that you had bought for her. You didn’t notice when she looked up with a small frown on her face, but you did feel the hand that came to rest on your waist. You looked around quickly, making sure that no cameras were on you, before meeting Sebastian’s eyes.

“What are you doing, Seb?” you whispered. Without you realizing, Lizzie snuck away to give the two of you some privacy. Or as much privacy as you can get when you’re wearing a mic and possibly being filmed.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about earlier. I guess I just got kind of jealous and I snapped a little.”

“Jealous?” You put your hand on Sebastian’s arm to keep him in place when you felt him begin to back away. “Jealous about what, Sebastian?”

“I don’t know.” He waved his hand around a bit at the rest of the group. “Just seeing your hands all over Paul and joking around with everyone around you.”

“Lizzie and I were forcibly putting sunscreen on Paul. I did that to you before we left the house this morning. I don’t think you have anything to be jealous about.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him.

“Sometimes it just feels like you always have everyone’s attention and you’re joking around with all of them and you never pay attention to me.” You pressed your lips together to keep from laughing at the adorable pout on Sebastian’s face. “And I know that we kind of have to ignore each other sometimes because we don’t want people to know about us, but I just always wish that I could be joking around with you too. I have so much fun talking to you and being around you, and seeing other people having fun around you when I can’t is just annoying sometimes. It’s like I always want to be right next to you.”

You placed a gentle hand on Sebastian’s cheek, making him meet your eyes. “I always want to be next to you too. And most of the time when I’m joking around with other people, I’m wishing that you were there too. But right now, we should get back to the others. It’ll be a miracle if we haven’t been caught on camera.”

“Oh I asked Anthony to make sure that no one would be paying attention to this side of the store.”

“Is that why he’s been yelling for the past few minutes?”

“He’s the best choice for a distraction, unfortunately.” You grinned at Sebastian as you wrapped your arms around him. Smiling back, he planted a quick kiss on your forehead.

“That’s way too bold,” you scolded him. Still, you couldn’t help but laugh. “There’s no way we would be able to explain that away if anyone saw. Way too many questions.”

You began to walk away, but Sebastian pulled you back to him. “Let them ask questions. The premiere is soon and they’ll have their answers then.”

“Oh they will?” You raised your eyebrows in mock confusion.

“Of course. When we go together. How does that sound?”

“Sounds like a date.” The two of you smiled at each other and were about to lean in for a kiss when Anthony was suddenly pulling Sebastian away.

“Break it up, lovebirds. I thought I was providing a distraction so you two could make up, not so you could make out. Now come on, Sebastian. We need to take a picture with that Spiderman statue outside.” 

Sebastian gave you a shrug as Anthony dragged him outside. You rolled your eyes at their antics, then followed the rest of the cast as they began to make their way outside and back to the bus. You had stopped to admire Benedict’s drawing skills when Lizzie was suddenly clutching your arm and squealing. She, of course, had seen everything, though she assured you that everyone had tried their best to be as entertaining as possible on the other side of the store, so that no cameras would be on you.

You wore a smile for the rest of the tour. Lizzie kept teasing you every time you and Sebastian would sneak glances at each other. Not that you could really sneak glances when you had to turn around constantly to look at him. Once again, you got way too into the singalong. This time, Sebastian yelled encouragement at you as you sang off key.

By the time you reached the studio again, you had decided that this was really the best way to do a press tour. You waved goodbye to James and Hemsworth and you climbed off the bus. Before you could take more than a few steps, Sebastian had picked you up and was spinning you around.

“How have you two not spilled the beans yet?” Paul asked as everyone watched in amusement.

“You weren’t even being subtle at the comic shop,” Benedict pointed out.

“Y’all are lucky that the cameras love me so much that they weren’t looking at you,” Mackie joked.

Apparently, the cameras didn’t love Mackie as much as he thought. When the video came out, some eagle eyed fans spotted the two of you looking cozy in the background of a shot. Some people argued that it was impossible to say for certain that it was you and Sebastian, but your Twitter and Instagram notifications were full of people asking if you and Sebastian were dating.

The two of you decided to ignore the questions. Lucky for you, Marvel made it very clear to all of the interviewers that there should be no questions about anyone’s personal lives. All focus was to be on the movie. So you kept the fans guessing until the two of you showed up to the premiere arm in arm.

Unfortunately, there were plenty of people more focused on your relationship than on the movie, so there were plenty of articles about the two of you. Apparently, you were Marvel’s new power couple. As long as you had Sebastian, that was a title you could live with.