#(mental health program /treatment/ whatever you wanna call it)

[rosicheeks]

🤔

[agent-cupcake]

So, what do you think the femblem cast would do for jobs irl? Appreciate your stories by the way, beasty and the bard is my favorite so far

I’m trying to work through older asks more like I used to with HxH, shorter form stuff, you know? Anyway, this is silly so a good starting point (also thank you! I love writing that story and going through my inbox I saw so many kind messages. I didn’t reply to them, but know that everyone’s words mean more than I can say)

Dimitri - There’s fanart of him as a firefighter and I like that. However, I guess it’d make more sense if he had a net worth we could only dream of and inherited a company of some sort from his father so that’s what I’m going with. Aside from running that, I think Dimitri would be someone who uses his fortune to engage in a lot of philanthropic work. Also, bless modern mental health care. 

Dedue - If we’re going aesthetics, Dedue would also be a Firefighter. Or a famous chef, famous for his intimidating appearance contrasted with his world-famous dishes. Although, hear me out. Dedue was someone whose city or w/e was destroyed by negligence or conflict of some kind and he works with Dimitri to protect his people and built his home back up.

Felix - Raised in a wealthy military family, Felix enlisted and served in the Army as soon as he was able but became disillusioned with the military after the death of his brother and returned home. After that, he became super involved with martial arts and wound up opening a gym, inadvertently taking in other young and disillusioned kids and giving them a healthy method of self-expression.

Sylvain - Rich boy. Bad reputation. E-Celeb. He lends his skills to the social media inept Dimitri to promote and help with all of his philanthropic work. He does a lot of good things but keeps it under wraps to maintain his superficial image. 

Ingrid - She runs Dimitri’s personal security force with a side gig of anonymous restaurant reviewing.

Annette - Chemistry professor at a university and rabid overachiever who makes consistent strides in the science world and inspires her students. She knows the Faerghus crew because she’s gone to them to make a case for funding scholarship programs.

Mercedes - Mercedes went to school to became a nurse, which is where she met Annette, and then she met Felix through Annette. Since many of the kids at his gym aren’t likely to go to get actual medical help, he calls her if there are any incidents. At the same time, she is an active participant in her local church and charity drives.  

Ashe - Okay I think he’d have a really idealistic sense of justice as a kid, but that slowly became warped as he grew up. He met Ingrid through Felix’s gym and wound up getting a position on Dimitri’s security team, seeing the work that Dimitri does as a sort of justice.

Edelgard - I wanna say like a politician or lawyer, but the fictional kind where they have solid values and beliefs and do good things in the name of justice. Edelgard would be more vocal about her desire to change things entirely rather than follow the system as it is.  

Hubert - Obviously he works with Edelgard. Sharing her ideals of justice, he acts as a behind the scenes confidant of sorts. Irl he’d be a bit less simp-y, working with her because he believes in her ability to make a change rather than some blood-intrinsic duty.

Ferdinand -  Similar to Edeglard, but more invested in the idea of working within the system to make a change. Despite that conflict, they do work together quite often, respecting the ideals of the other and acknowledging that ultimately they do want the same thing.

Dorothea - Musical theater STAR who is very passionate about social issues, namely the treatment of younger and less famous people in the industry. She uses her platform to promote up and coming actors and all of the backstage production crews that are so often ignored and abused.

Caspar - Head of Edelgard’s security for sure. Grew up a rich kid but separated from his family pretty much completely, deciding to make his own way in the world.

Linhardt - Tech guy. Cybersecurity maybe? At some point, he got hired by Edelgard and works with Caspar bc ofc he does. He makes it clear that it’s not an issue of morality that makes him loyal, but because it’s a fun challenge. 

Petra - An ambassador from a smaller country trying to establish more friendly relations for her people. People underestimate her because of her language skills, which actually works out for her sometimes because they don’t expect her political maneuvering. 

Bernadetta - An extreme introvert who inherited her father’s company but manages most of it remotely, also focusing on her artistic endeavors. Probably has a super popular webcomic appealing to comically exaggerated introverts everywhere.  

Claude - He attended a prestigious university and quickly fell into a career in journalism. Not like, trashy tabloid style, but actual journalism that is well researched and meant to hold people in power accountable. His background and source of wealth are mysterious, leading people to spend an inordinate amount of time speculating about his race online. Claude also uses memes and snappy editing as misdirection. 

Hilda - She’s famous for being famous and rich. However, in the midst of all of that fame, she befriended Claude and actually came to stand for a cause. But on the lowest of keys, most of what she posts is makeup reviews and glamorous photos. Gamer girl.

Lorenz - His father's Thomas Wayne, but like... The bad Thomas Wayne from Joker. Weapon production and everything. Lorenz changes that, though, focusing more on those Bruce Wayne endeavors. Except he’s not Batman, but Batman’s flamboyant, eggplant-headed brother. I love Lorenz I’m sorry boo

Ignatz - An artist, of course. Works in animation, maybe? He’s drawn all of Hilda’s graphics and sprites and stuff. She even paid him!  

Raphael - He does a lot of manual labor, taking on odd jobs or anything in the name of supporting his sister. 

Lysithea - After graduating top of her class, she began working in the medical field, researching cures and other helpful medicine. Claude keeps her discoveries from going unacknowledged, and Edelgard has actually had a donation drive to fund Lysithea’s work. 

Marianne - She owns and runs an organization that focuses on taking on animal cruelty and taking care of mistreated animals. She’s incredibly organized and efficient in the way she handles things and sees results through her various charities and request for funding. 

Leonie - She works in a private security organization once run by Jeralt, taking on whatever job she gets hired for. Leonie is more interested in the work than the jobs. Drinking, too. 

[edo-vivendum]

My Past Two Years 11/2019

I wanna tell yall the briefish version of my past two years. Two years ago, I was doing okay. I proudly identified as 99% recovered from the eating disorder which I'd done IOP treatment for twice. Yet at the same time, I was in a rigid daily routine and maintaining a "healthy" yet artificially low weight (though I didn't realize this). But I was doing way better than I had in high school or in my first two semesters of college. However, I was finding myself fairly frequently overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks, and I decided I was stable enough and ready to finally dig deeper in therapy and delve into my childhood traumas.

I was very wrong. I was far from stable enough to do outpatient trauma work. I managed to fight my eating disorder thoughts and urges through the spring semester, but the signs were there: I was slipping. I was crying most days at lunch. I was lying, arguing over food, skipping meals. Things I'd promised myself I'd never do again. Finals week I told myself I had to follow an old meal plan: I needed energy to perform well in my tests, tests which would replace lower grades from days and weeks during the semester when I just couldn't gather the energy to study. And I did it, I finished the semester with all A's, a feat that was quickly overshadowed by my rapidly disintegrating mental and physical health.

During this period of time, my thoughts were obsessively suicidal, but only when I was eating (adequately). And so I stopped. It seemed safer, a temporary delve into my eating disorder in order to stay alive. Seems fair? I was terrified I'd accidently kill myself. I was so overcome with shame and guilt. I thought I'd be able to just turn my eating disorder off again the moment I was ready. But it didn't work like that.

My mental health was overpowering my sheer will power, and I quickly found myself deeper in my eating disorder than I had been in years. And unlike in high school, my body couldn't take it for months and months on end. I found myself in the ER and was told that I couldn't do IOP anymore, that the lowest level of care that was ethically appropriate when I was a medical risk was PHP, and so I did PHP (a day program). I couldn't think straight, ever. My thoughts were hazy. I couldn't concentrate. It was like being dissociated constantly, except it was there even when I wasn't. And as an all A student, a girl who (at that time) found my confidence only in my intellect, I was terrified. But I was also terrified I'd accidently kill myself if I stopped restricting. But, regardless, I ate my meals in program, arguing and debating over every bite. Then curling up and crying. I stayed alive for the swim team I coach during the summer. I coached in the morning then headed to PHP for the rest of the day. And those kids brought me so much joy. They kept me alive. Them and my guilt. The thought of damaging the lives of everyone around me by ending my own made me so guilty.

Eventually, somehow, I graduated, stepped down to IOP again, and only had groups for a three hours 3 days a week (rather than 6 hrs 6x/week). But then one day they challenged my rigidity. They told me I couldn't bring plain rice with 1 tsp of butter + chik'N (vegan) nuggets + steamed broccoli + a cheese stick. It met my meal plan. Precisely. And they said it was disordered. (it was). They asked me to add ketchup to my nuggets. Something overcame me, and I couldn't do it. I cried so much that night that they pulled me out of the room and had me sit individually with someone. "This is not an IOP response." It wasn't. And suddenly I realized that I had never been recovered, that my rigidity was part of my eating disorder, that I had MILES of work to do, and it was too much. I couldn't do it (at that point in time). I felt so defeated. And I didn't know what to do. And in my defeat, my urges became harder to fight, and my intake once again decreased dangerously.

PHP was suggested again, but I was skeptical. If it didn't work before, why would it work now? My outpatient therapist mentioned to me that residential treatment was only a slightly higher level of care than php. I started looking into options. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't underweight. I wasn't physically at risk to myself (my team and my current self disagree with that). But I didn't think I needed it. But part of me found hope in the idea. What if I could go somewhere and receive ED treatment and trauma treatment at the same time? Somewhere where I'd be safe from myself? In my head, the options seemed to be : (1) die (2) starve myself until I die (3) go to residential treatment, give it my all, and try to recover.

And so I picked option 3. I felt like a fraud, but my insurance covered it. I did my research, and I picked Monte Nido River Towns in New York City suburbs. Within two weeks, I was flying up there. I was terrified, but I was ready to work.

It was harder than I ever imagined. I was so scared. Never before had I lost so much control over my food. I got no say in what was in front of me other than my choice of three food items i could exclude. I picked Brussel sprouts and red meat (and later added raw onions as a third bc the chef overdid it on the onions every time). Monte Nido was stricter than my local program in so many ways, but they were also more supportive. For the first time, I was able to begin to explore my past. I was able to start healing. While there, I realized I was sicker than I could have previously admitted. Most of the clients there were at healthy weights (many of whom has anorexia or atypical Anorexia diagnoses). My bloodwork was a mess. I was having heart palpitations nearly daily. My sodium was low, and my water intake was restricted in order to level my sodium. I realized I'd been overhydrating previously, and it felt like I was withdrawing from a drug. I was always thirsty, overheating, dry throat. It was terrible, but after a few days, I adjusted to drinking only 64 ounces of water a day (I know that's such a normal amount lolll I have no clue how much it was before!!).

My insurance only covered 30 days, and I wasn't ready. I discharged to a PHP in Boston also owned by Monte Nido. I stayed in their supportive housing and did a month and a half of php. It helped. I slowly improved some. I became more stable with meal plan compliance. I started to realize how bad my family was for me. It was only in their absence that I began to flourish. I was preparing my own food outside of program. I did another month and half of IOP in Boston, and then in November, about one year ago, I came home to continue IOP at my local program.

And things became stagnant. I would have a good week and then two bad weeks. Things were stable enough to not need PHP again, but not stable enough to discharge. But I couldn't stay in IOP forever, and after 5 months, they discharged me.

I knew I wasn't ready, but I was determined to try to make it work. I knew I couldn't stay in IOP forever. But I wanted so badly to recover, and I was so scared I'd fall backwards.

So I did pretty well for about a month, then slowly things started slipping. I'm not sure what happened per say. I think I was probably brute forcing it, and I couldn't keep it up. I decided to go back to IOP, not in the full program, just twice a week, sort of a tune up. That was the plan anyways.

I did an assessment on a Monday, started that evening. I was to come back on Thursday. Tuesday, I went to my parents, and for whatever reason, my brother told me that it was my fault that I was bullied.

I spiraled. It triggered shame and guilt. It triggered my own belief that it was my fault. As though all my work had come undone, I was suicidal again.

I tried to hold it together. My therapist talked to me on the phone countless times over that week, but on Saturday afternoon, I asked my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared to be in the bathroom alone.

The hospital was a horrible experience. It was my second time in a psych hospital, and this time was by far the worst. There were 38 women in a small unit. We spent all our time in a day room that definitely was not designed for 38 people. Most of the people there were detoxing and were sporatic and loud and... Terrifying to me with PTSD from being bullied and verbally abused by peers and teachers. Staff were verbally abusive. Finally, after what felt like a year but was only six days, I left the hospital. My suicidality had been quite literally scared out of me, but my anxiety was 10/10 constantly. I felt unsafe. I was shaking consistently for an entire week. Even now, I start shaking thinking about it.

My therapist suggested residential trauma treatment at a place in Florida called the Refuge. They had an eating disorder program as well, so they would be able to take me (as most places just straight up won't take you if you have an ED but most ED places don't do real trauma work either). Anyways, this place was amazing. I was there for two months, and I grew so much. I was surrounded by support. The ED part of the program was pretty relaxed, which in some ways was good but in other ways let me act out through my eating while doing trauma work. But they kept me contained enough that I was very safe physically. I was so emotionally supported; I don't even have the words for it. My program therapist gave me new understanding of myself. She tested and diagnosed me with Asbergers and taught me that some aspects of my rigidity were likely because of asbergers and not because of my ED —that it was OK if my recovery looked a little different than other people's recovery. I was able to share in groups about my childhood, and I received a ton of validation and support for traumas that I perceived as not worthy of being traumatized by. I was supported and respected and made a ton of progress in respecting and supporting myself.

I discharged back into the shitty ass local iop program. I needed to refocus on the food aspect just a little and get back on track with food. I had a little weight I needed to gain in order to be at my own set point. Blah blah. Etc.

This program has been such a mess. My case manager told me everyone walked on eggshells around me. When I advocated for myself, I was told I was being needy. Then they told me I had to discharge because I was refusing to learn to cope with emotions despite the fact that my outpatient team and I both agree that I'd made huge progress. Before going to the refuge, the experience would have been triggering, but instead it became an opportunity for me to prove to myself just how resilient I have become. I finally discharged IOP last week, and this time, I actually feel ready.

I've been meal plan compliant for months. I've been actively using coping skills and managing situations more effectively than I ever have before. I have made so so so much progress; and I can say, today, I am happy to be alive. I haven't had a suicidal thought since being home from the Refuge. I haven't self-harmed since September. I still have work to do, but I can also accept where I'm at while I'm doing that work. Life is good. I am confident I can keep this up for months, even years.

[iamjjmmma]

tldr: I have bpd. (Loong text ahead)

Note: All names have been changed for privacy.

 I never like to open up about mental health. Not only is it messy- it's also degrading. But this is an exception. 

So I'm going to lay it out for you. Right here, right now.

 I have borderline personality disorder.

 I'm telling you because, unlike with so many other things about me, you deserve to know this. And the way I got my diagnosis was long, narrow, and harrowing. So get comfy. 

Of all things, it all started with a death. About a month ago, a family friend who wasn't any older than three or four died. My entire family was devastated, but for seemingly no reason, I seemed to be the one who cried the most, who felt the most heartbroken. Not even my cousins, who were closer to her, cried this much. Of course, my sister noticed and encouraged me to get myself into grief counseling. I love my sister more than anyone else in the whole wide world, so it didn't take long before I was booking my first appointment with a Catholic counselor 45 minutes away who knew me ever since I was little. 

"Hey there, Sk3ltal. Something seem to be a problem?

" I get angry. I'm in your office, I think. How the hell would there NOT be a problem? I think. But over five years of this kind of anger gives you a kind of knack for brushing it off as hormonal and pretending your fine.

 "Well, Manuela...something does seem to be a problem. Somebody...close to me died. And she was young..."

 At this point, I'm bursting into tears. I wonder why. I get the "oh, honey, it's okay" treatment. She gives me a hug, offers me all the tissues I need, even lets me hold her dog if I can get past the fact that he's just about as still as a blast of wind. Thirty seconds later, I'm fine again.

 "Manuela, I want to make sure that I'm fine. That it's not grief and just sadness. I want to know how not to lose it in public. Because I feel crazy."

 Manuela bites her lip. "Grief does make the most ordinary people act like insane asylum patients, no?" 

A week later, I'm back in her office. By now, it's almost the end of September. And something"s eating at me. For the first time in my sixteen years, a movie not only humanized the villian, but made me relate to her. Relate to her enough to do this. BPD. Only heard about it once or twice before. Asked my mom if I had it, then she laughed and said it was just me being a teenager and that yes, crying four times a day and slamming the door EVERY TIME YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO was completely normal.

 So was the scratches on my skin I convinced my parents was "wicked eczema", and so was me pulling out my hair and banging my head against solid objects. And now, people were talking about how a movie character had it, and how many symptoms she exhibited. Suddenly, hunger for knowledge reached out its hands. I wanted to know.

 Could it be I had this? And what was it? 

Manuela was a little concerned, but considering I was getting bored as usual in her office, she let me take the questionnaire. Five minutes pass by, half of which I spent taking the quiz. And I think the moment I saw her face turn pale was the minute things started to fall apart and go back into place, all at the same time. "Honey, I...you're positive." ... 

Of course, I wasn't diagnosed right then and there. I had to make sure I could point it back to a specific event when it started- in this case, what happened when I was ten between my childhood best friend and i; she ghosted me, and i haven’t heard a word from her since- so they couldn't blame it on my "womanly teenage hormones" (yes, I was telling the truth; the event just helped to rule out those hormones). My family and close friends, whatever the hell the last one was, were interviewed. When my dad was interviewed, I could feel his face turn pale this time as he whispered, "Oh, my God. You just described my kid. Something's wrong with my kid." 

Next was a rudimentary physical with my family practitioner. to make sure nothing physical, other than me being a teenager, could be causing the symptoms. When the doctor said "nothing's wrong other than what you keep on seeing me for so far", my heart didn't sink. I didn't feel anything. The diagnosis was made official a short time later, but I didn't feel anything then either. And that's, ironically, a huge part of borderline personality disorder.

 Borderline personality disorder, to flaunt it in a more colorful way, is your mind constantly being fucked by a tornado of emotion while the borderline, which is what the disorder is named after, obtains a corporeal form and joins in the fuckery to create a massive threesome. Four if you count Lonely, my friend in the back. 

Getting my diagnosis may havw been one of the most quietly difficult things I've ever done. 

There's the fact that some mental health professionals are afraid with those with borderline personality disorder, or think it's completely impossible for children or adolescents to have it. If not for the relationship Manuela and I already had, I most likely would have been misdiagnosed again. On to the misdiagnoses, which are staggeringly common in those with borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed...

 -three times with some type of anxiety 

-twice with PTSD 

-once with bulimia 

-accused hundreds of times of being demonically possessed because of my "temper". that priest now knows better.

 But now to the real criteria. There's nine of them, and to be diagnosed, you need to get at least five.

 -Abandonment issues 

This was the biggie. It was almost like I grew up, then regressed. This all started when I was eleven, and my mind would switch from being 4 to being the 11 year old I was. I have too many stories of me being left alone for a ridiculously insignificant amount of time, then me acting like a scared toddler in solitary confinement about it. The time at the high school when I got locked in the bathroom. The time I got left in the car for 5 minutes and almost broke the door trying to get out. There's so many more, but this one, I think, takes the cake.

 I was twelve. They had the house childproofed because of my sister, who was 7 at the time and had autism, so she tended to be grabbier than then average bear. The acting out was at its peak back then, and my parents made the mistake of putting me in time-out by locking me in my bedroom for five minutes. 

What happened next was almost indescribable. Imagine the outright terror the character in the movie feels when he or she is stranded and realizes they're utterly alone. No one will come to save them. No one. The helicopter they came in is empty. The island always has, and always is, empty. Or imagine the terror you felt at school during that one time it WASN'T a drill. Now multiply that feeling by about sixty. I was nothing more than an animal that day. I screamed.

 "LET ME OUT OF HERE!" "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" "I DON'T WANNA DIE HERE!". Bang, bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG. 

My parents always tell me that I would've beat that damn door down had they not gotten me out. They open the door. I practically jump on them to hug them. They bump me off, and while I'm not hurt, it's not like that made me feel any better, either. 

"What is your problem, young lady?! Can't we leave you alone for five minutes? How are you going to be able to be an adult and be like this?"

 Tears poured down my face. I didn't know. 

Hell, I still don't know. 

-"Borderline" way of thinking when it comes to relationships...always seeing others as either perfect angels or a bucket of nasty-ass toxic waste. 

-Self-harm. 

No, I don't cut myself. that's the stereotype, although there's people I know who self harm in this way. I didn't know what it was called or what I was going.

 but all I knew was that I was relieving whatever tension I had, even if it meant hurting myself. I quickly learned how to keep it hidden, and that was by realizing the millions of nerves on the surface of my skin and how that would cause pain without much overall damage. so I scratched myself. and scratched. and scratched. and scratched. pulling my hair was also a good option. if I feel really crummy, I start to bang my head into solid objects or bend one of my bones, although not enough to break it.

 at first, it was to transfer emotional pain into physical pain so I wouldn't have to feel it emotionally anymore. 

and it's still that now, to an extent. except it's more about controlling my anger and not letting it show in public, instead keeping it chained to my skin. and I'm sorry if this sounds emo or cringy, but it's true.

 now, it's turned into an impulse.

 -unstable relationships.

 my friends can all tell you that I love them dearly, more than the vast majority of the people they know. and they also know that I'm also more prone to lashing out or doing things in the relationship that don't make sense, like purposefully ignoring texts and phone calls for a day.

 -shifting self-image. 

what I wanted to be when I grew up was sometimes as fickle as the time of day. I wanted to be an actor during one point in my childhood. it consumed my everything, kept me from eating, from sleeping. and at another short point, I know wanted to be a singer.

 in the course of one particular year, I wanted to be a nun, then an author, then an engineer, then a truck driver, then a nurse, then a teacher. it was ridiculous,

 and all happening during a period where the education system expected me to decide what I wanted to be. 

and what about who I was? was I a girl? a boy? young? old? the best Catholic there was? a solid atheist?

 I have my 5. there's more, but I don't want to share it all, at least right now. and most of it is actually because the program I'm using to type this is really shitty when it comes to saving huge chunks of text lol. 

Treatment:

 I've started therapy. So far, both Manuela and I are still researching BPD so none of us are blind to stigma. However, there's a long road ahead of me, and a road I most likely wouldn't even consider taking if it weren't for my love for my sister (which I'm begging is genuine and not just a product of my mental illness). Finding a medication will be tough, seeing as there's no official medicine for BPD but so far, for the first time, I can feel the "BPD me" fading away when I drink tea with ginseng (a mood stabilizer). 

getting "better" from BPD, or at least working to alleviate the symptoms, requires just that: work. lots of patience, persistence, and just lots and lots of hard damn work. 

it'll take us getting rid of societal stigmas and working through the root causes, which unfortunately I can't just be "taken away from" as with those whose BPD diagnoses came while they were still living in broken homes. 

 And the worst part of it all is that I still love my best friend.

[jordan202]

My Boys Drabbles - Thomas (Part One)

Hi Guys!

After such a long hiatus, My Boys is back! And this time around, we are going to explore the only pregnancy I haven't fully written about. Thank you @jia911 for proofreading this so fast!

The Prompt: 

@cizavilation I think was the one who asked me to write about Thomas’s pregnancy.

Timeline:

This one sets just one or two days after The Return (the story when Cristina is back in Seattle). 

My Boys Drabbles – Thomas (Part One) 

Amelia let out a sigh of frustration, watching as a strand of hair was blown from her nose.

She was bored.

It was no secret she considered that mandatory hospital meeting a complete waste of time and judging by the yawns and amount of empty coffee cups around the big round table, her colleagues felt the exact same way.

One by one, Amelia examined the facial expressions of the other heads of department. Alex Karev seemed too entertained playing with a loose thread of his white coat sleeve. Meredith Grey repeatedly twisted the lid of her Starbucks drink, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but there. Jackson Avery was having a hard time keeping his neck straight and not falling asleep. Only Maggie seemed to be paying attention to the words of the seventy-something infectious diseases specialist who gave that exact same lecture on infection control and prevention every trimester at the hospital.

Amelia knew that every hospital had an ICC, or Infection Control Committee, a division that worked both preventing and helping treat hospital related infections. Every three months, the ICC of Greys Sloan mandated that all hospital workers attended lectures on continued education programs. But the heads of each department had to sit through an exhaustive meeting where data was shown and discussed.

Amelia knew that the ICC head treated all health care workers like they were potential threats. But she had a particular despise for surgeons, reason why whenever she hosted the meeting with the surgical department, they were to expect a lot of frowns and criticism.

“So we were able to isolate two different strand of coagulase-negative staphylococci in three of the orthopedic surgery patients who have…”

Amelia rolled her eyes, uninterested in the rest of the talk. She was just considering what she would have for lunch when, across the big table, her eyes met Owen’s.

He was looking at her with a discreet smile on his lips and Amelia instantly smiled back, identifying the loving eyes in his expression. She supposed Owen would shift his attention back to the lecturer after her response, but instead, he kept staring at her, making Amelia feel like he could see through her soul.

Containing a chuckle, she pointed to the ICC speaker with her eyes and then gently moved her head, as if telling Owen to focus his attention back on the woman.

But all her husband did was lean back on his chair and defiantly keep looking at her with his heavy gaze, maintaining a smile on the corner of his lips.

Amelia noticed the amusement in his eyes and couldn’t help feeling her heart flutter. Owen was so silly. Why did he have to look at her with that loving expression, especially in a room full of people? Her husband wasn’t saying a single word, but the message he was communicating was very clear.

It was obvious he was very happy and Amelia knew exactly why.

Taking her hand to her lower abdomen, the neurosurgeon grinned widely. Just two days before, she had informed Owen that she thought she was pregnant. On the following day, Amelia had taken a blood test to confirm it and found out her assumption had been right. She indeed was carrying another child.

It was a crazy notion to think about. They had a seven month old at home and Lucas was still very much dependent on them, Amelia especially. Just a couple of weeks before, Amelia had gone back to work and she knew her baby was really resenting the sudden change. Right now, he was upstairs in daycare and Amelia couldn’t wait for lunchtime to see him.

Some of the caretakers at day care advised parents not to go see the kids during their breaks because it made it harder on them to adapt. Amelia thought it that was complete bullshit. The more she saw Lucas, be it fifteen minutes or an hour, the better for them both. She had to work because it was her job and she loved it. But her baby would always come first and Amelia didn’t want to be one of those parents who only saw their kids briefly at night before putting them to bed.

Her gaze fell back on Owen and she realized he was still staring at her with that same expression on his face. She knew that by now, he was teasing her. But the silly look he had on added to the charming smile on his lips distracted Amelia enough that she forgot all about where she was and couldn’t help letting out a loud chuckle.

“Dr. Shepherd, is there something you want to add?”

Amelia immediately turned her head in the direction of the acid voice that had asked her the angry question.

The ICC senior attending stared at her with a demanding face and a scowl of disapproval. The neurosurgeon knew she should be embarrassed to get called out in the middle of a lecture like a high school kid, but she was so amused by Owen’s now mortified expression that she just couldn’t be bothered.

“No, not all.” Amelia replied with a shameless grin. “I was just making a mental note to stay away from the Ortho wing.” Her voice fooled her forced seriousness as she added. “Don’t wanna catch that strain of Staph.”

A general round of laughter followed and Amelia took her time to try and make eye contact again with her husband, unsuccessfully. The lecturer still seemed displeased, but she resumed her speech as soon as the general uproar died down. Judging by the way his ears had turned red, Owen was extremely embarrassed and Amelia easily guessed why. She had been the one busted but he had been the one pestering her.

It was no wonder why now he was extremely committed to paying attention to what the eldest woman had to say, apparently determined not to cause any more distractions in the meeting.

.

The clock had ticked five in the afternoon when Amelia finished her accumulated charts on that gray Monday. After a quick trip to daycare, the surgeon picked up Lucas and followed to the ER. She and Owen often drove to work together and she didn’t mind waiting a bit for him if he was busy. But it took Amelia quite a while to find her husband and when she did, he looked like something alarming was on his mind.

“Hey,” Amelia caught up with him in a meeting room. “Are you ready to go or do you need a few more minutes?” It was then Amelia noticed her husband wasn’t alone. Two women she recognized from hospital administration were with him, and so was Richard Webber. Sensing something wasn’t adding up, Amelia fired the next question before Owen could reply to her previous one. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Owen tried to sound assuring, getting up at the same time he gave her a smile and proceeded to kiss the top of Lucas’s head affectionately. “I think I’m going to be a while here, do you mind driving home with Luke today? I’ll be a little late.”

Amelia looked into his eyes, quickly catching up on the fact something was wrong but Owen couldn’t tell her about it now. The way he’d blocked her view from the other people in the room and suggestively made eye contact with her while saying she should go home were the cues Amelia needed to know that whatever her husband was up to, it sounded serious.

“I’ll see you later at home, then.” She discreetly nodded, letting him know she’d understood the non-verbal message.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Owen promised, giving her a kiss on the forehead before giving his attention back to the people inside the room.

Lucas fussed in her arms, trying to reach out to his dad, but Amelia left the room before her baby could interrupt the meeting. She had no idea what they’d been discussing there, but judging by the seriousness in her husband’s face and overall thick atmosphere she’d found the men in, the news wasn’t good.

It was past eight in the evening when Owen finally made it home. He unlocked the front door to find Amelia sitting on the couch with their son in her arms, happily talking to the baby while the TV was on in the background.

“Hey guys” Owen smiled widely but the look of exhaustion was clear on his face. Amelia watched as her husband came over and gave her a kiss on the lips before turning his eyes to their boy. “Hey little man… How are you doing?”

After seeing his dad, Lucas’s happy face transformed into a big grin. Owen leaned over and kissed the side of his neck, loving to feel his adorable baby smell. It was a comfort to be welcomed like that by his family after an exhausting day at work.

“And how is this little one?” Owen sat on the couch by Amelia’s side, lazily rubbing her lower stomach.

“It’s too early for me to feel anything.” Amelia confessed, delighted by Owen’s obvious expectations. “But we’re both good. What’s up with you?” She asked, showing her concern by gently striking the hair at his nape. “You don’t look well.”

Owen took a deep breath and slowly let it out, grabbing his wife’s hand affectionately before giving it a kiss.

“I am afraid I have some bad news…” Owen’s tone of voice was too serious for Amelia’s taste. “Bailey is on an extended medical leave.”

“Why?” Amelia expressed her concern through a heavy frown. “What’s wrong with her?”

Despite not being personally close to their chief of surgery, Amelia respected and admired the woman.

“She recently found out that she has a mass on her breast. Yesterday they confirmed it is malignant. She starts treatment this week.”

“Oh.” Amelia felt deeply sorry for the woman. The neurosurgeon knew how nasty cancer could be, so she hoped for the best for Bailey. A few seconds went by before Amelia remembered the scene she’d witnessed earlier that day. “Is that why the hospital administration was talking to you today?” She furrowed her brow questioningly. “Wait, they are not allowed to disclose this type of information.”

“They didn’t.” Owen clarified. “Bailey told me herself this morning. And then she warned me they’d come after me.”

“But why?” Amelia couldn’t make any sense of the situation.

“Because Bailey is stepping down for at least a couple of months so she can focus on her treatment,” Owen explained, trying to be reasonable. “And they’ve asked me to fill in for her in the meantime.”

“You mean take care of the paperwork in her absence?” Amelia attempted, seeing the look of guilt on her husband’s face.

“No.” Owen said with serenity. “I am saying they actually want me to be chief again.”

The trauma surgeon had no idea how his wife would react to that, but he expected some sort of heated response.

Instead, silence was all he got.

“Amelia?” Owen tried to reason with her. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“Did you take it?” She raised an eyebrow, sounding alarmingly suspicious. “The offer? Did you take it?”

“No.” Owen carefully answered, knowing he was going into dangerous territory. “I was going to talk to you first before considering it. Why are you mad?”

“I am not mad.”

“Well, you sound mad.” Owen refuted her, trying to be as gentle as possible with his choice of words.

Lucas chose that exact moment to play with his spit and reached out to grab Owen’s face with a happy giggle.

“I am not.” Amelia replied with a tone that pointed otherwise. She wasn’t actually sure what she was feeling at that moment. “I’m just… I don’t know. Are you going to take it?” Her voice went from defensive to insecure.

Owen took a deep breath and confessed:

“I don’t know… I mean, I have to be honest and say that despite the annoying bureaucratic part, I did like being chief once.” He cleaned up Lucas’s continuous spit bubbles from the baby’s now wet face. “I guess I just always thought that part of my life was over.” The trauma surgeon explained sincerely. “And at the same time I know this is awful timing, with us just adapting to having a baby and getting ready for a second but I also feel like I should be a team player and help our friends in a time of need. And besides, it’s temporary.”

“But you’re not the only one qualified for the job.” Amelia added, trying to figure out her own feelings. She supposed she didn’t want Owen gone for any time longer. They already worked busy hours. Being chief meant adding more to his workload. Not only would she miss him at home, but there was also Lucas to think about. As if being a parent wasn’t new and scary enough, very soon they’d have a second child and Amelia was terrified of not being able to handle everything. “I mean, why can’t Webber do it? If it’s only temporary.”

“Webber is in over his head with his colorectal fistulae trial.” Owen explained, knowing his wife was aware of what he was talking about. “The board was considering Jackson but he is too naïve and inexperienced to fill in for three without any prior training. I am the only one who knows the job and can perform it with such short notice.”

Amelia let out a heavy sigh. Logically, it made sense that Owen accepted the offer.

“But what would that mean for us?” She asked, hating to feel like she was being selfish.

“That’s exactly my problem with it.” Owen explained with honesty. He already worked long hours and wanted to enjoy the free time he had in company of his family. Every minute he missed with them was a minute he was never getting back and at this point the trauma surgeon already knew too well what his priorities in life were. “I know I’ll be working more hours but I told them the condition to accept this offer is to cut back my ER hours and focus mostly on the bureaucracy.”

“But that’s the part you like the least.” Amelia pointed out. “That arrangement would mean you’d barely operate at all.”

Owen shrugged, conformed.

“It doesn’t matter.” He smiled shyly. “This is the way I won't let down the people who need me both at work and at home. It’s just for a couple of months” Owen smiled, leaning a little closer to nudge his nose to his wife’s face. “And just for your information, I’d much rather be here with you guys than anywhere else.”

Amelia pretended not to be convinced but his charming charisma eventually won her over.

“Alright, fine!” She laughed when Lucas touched the side of her face with his lips on a messy kiss, prompting Owen to do the same on the other side. “Alright, alright, I am convinced…” Her giggles echoed louder in the living room, mixing with Lucas’. “Just promise me we’ll still see you.” Amelia instinctively took her hand to her belly.

“You will always come first.” Owen affirmed with security, giving Amelia one quick kiss before focusing his attention back on their son.

Twenty minutes later, Amelia noticed as Lucas started to get cranky and decided to go put him down while Owen went for a shower. The trauma surgeon also went for a quick meal before heading back to his bedroom, but to his surprise, he found Amelia in their bed with Lucas in it.

“I thought he was tired.” He raised one eyebrow questioningly, well aware of how hard it was for Amelia to let go of their son. He couldn’t blame her, though.

“He is, but he is also hungry.” Amelia justified still having Lucas on their bed.

Owen looked at their healthy seven-month old. Lucas was a big, fairly large baby. His indecently delicious chunky ankles proved to be almost irresistible and the way his blue eyes seemed to stand out on his round face was too much for both parents to bear. Owen had always wanted to be a father, but he had no idea how delightful it really was to get home after a heavy day at work and hear the sound of his baby’s laughter, or to see him throw himself in his dad’s arms, absolutely happy for nothing other than Owen’s presence.

“He is always hungry.” Owen pointed out, getting beneath the covers next to Amelia. He watched as Lucas didn’t let go of his mother’s breast while deeply staring at her the entire time he fed. “I think he is in love with you.” The trauma surgeon pointed out with a chuckle.

“Well, I am in love with him,” Amelia replied, wrapping her arms tighter around her baby. He was the most gorgeous baby in the entire planet and she was absolutely sure of it.

It didn’t take Lucas more than a few minutes after that to fall asleep. Much to her dismay, Amelia let Owen take him to his cradler in the room opposite to them. She had just finished setting up the baby monitor when her husband returned to their bedroom, startling her by unceremoniously pulling her and lying on her top in bed.

“You smell like rash cream.” Owen laughed, on purpose sniffing her hair.

“Someone had to do the dirty work.” Amelia teased.

“No one is complaining…” He smiled, leaning over to steal a kiss. “That being said… I think we’ve made it to the most important question of the night.” He held the suspense, being cute on purpose. “What are we doing for Valentine’s day?”

Amelia was absolutely surprised by the question and realized she had completely forgotten about the date. It seemed like for the past seven months (and even prior to that), she and Owen had been mostly devoted to Lucas. So much that they had spent less and less time alone together. But since their baby was already eating solids and tolerating more hours in the absence of his mother, it was reasonably fair that they asked either Evelyn or Maggie to watch him for a couple of hours just so they could sneak out of the house for a little bit and have some time to be together.

“You want to go out to that little restaurant down the street?” Amelia asked with excitement in her eyes. She and Owen used to go there quite often and they were already familiar with the couple’s personal preferences.

“I guess it makes sense, being so close to home. We won’t waste any time in traffic or anything.” Owen agreed, already looking forward to it.

“I think I am going to order the crab cakes and…”

“You always want the crab cakes.” Owen rolled his eyes playfully, pointing out he wasn’t surprised.

“That’s because they are the most delici-”

Amelia’s sentence was interrupted when her husband stole a kiss.

“You don’t want to talk about the appetizers?” She teased him, biting her lower lip while Owen gently slid a hand on the curve of her thigh, sneakily exploring.

“Not really,” he whispered against her ear before giving Amelia a kiss that would make her forget all about the restaurant menu. “I’d much rather just skip straight to dessert.”

.

Two days later, Amelia was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. After a long day at work, her entire body ached.

“I think my head is going to explode.” She told Owen as he got dressed after showering. “Now I know how Luke was feeling earlier this week.” Just days before, Lucas had come down with a nasty cold he’d caught at daycare. Apparently, Amelia had caught it too. “I can’t believe I am sick. Today of all days.” She complained.

“You don’t look too good.” Owen stopped putting on his shirt and studied Amelia’s expression a little closer. He’d spent the entire day at the hospital catching up with his new position duties, but when he’d left home that morning, Amelia didn’t have the dark circles around her eyes like she did now.

“Why, thank you.” His wife replied sarcastically, unsuccessfully trying to tie the strap of her high heel shoe.

“I mean it.” Owen ignored her willfulness. “Are you sure you’re okay to go out?”

Amelia let out a heavy sigh. For the past months, she had barely seen her husband and even at times when they could be together, she had had a hard time letting go of Lucas because being away from him devastated her. As expected, Owen had been nothing but understanding and hadn’t once complained or demanded more attention. But deep down, she knew he’d been craving for this night when, for at least a couple of hours, they would be able to have a conversation that didn’t involve diapers or spit bubbles. For the first time in a while, Amelia felt fairly comfortable to leave her child at home with his grandmother because the plan was perfect. They would be just a few blocks away, so in case of any eventuality, she could quickly make it back home.

But right now, her head felt like it would burst at any second, her throat was dry and sore and she was having a hard time gathering enough energy to even tie a shoelace.

“I am so sorry…”

Owen’s confusion was clear on his face when he heard Amelia’s sobs.

“Amelia?” He gave up buttoning his shirt and went to sit by her side on the bed, watching with shock as a couple of tears fell from her eyes. “Babe, are you okay?”

“I don’t think I can make it tonight.” Amelia said apologetically, sustaining his look with her bright blue eyes drowning in tears. Owen didn’t have enough time to process that before she buried her face on his neck. “I am sorry…”

He chuckled and surrounded her waist with his arms, pulling her closer. During Lucas’ pregnancy, Amelia had also been emotionally messy. Owen supposed it was the hormones that got the best of her.

“Hey, don’t worry, okay?” The trauma surgeon ran his hand on her back up and down, gently trying to soothe her. “It’s not your fault.”

Her voice sounded muffled against his shirt.

“Of course it is… I know how much you were counting on this and now…” Amelia sniffed, trying to pull herself back together. “It’s my fault that we’re not going on a date.”

“Well, I never wanted to go out on a date.” Owen said convincingly. Amelia was obviously surprised, because she lifted her head and looked into his eyes with a lot of questions on her face. “I wanted to be with you.” He stated, knowing that deep down it was true. Owen had indeed been looking forward to go out with her, but it was okay that they couldn’t go that night. They could do it the following week, or whenever they wanted. All he’d strived for was being with Amelia, and if that meant being at home, so be it. “I’ll tell you what,” Owen smiled, trying to cheer up his wife. “You can’t go on the date, but the date can come to you.”

“Owen, what the…?” Amelia frowned, watching as he got up and picked up one of his coats.

“You stay here and take some aspirin.” He instructed, picking up Lucas from the floor mat and then the baby’s coat and car keys. “We are the men of the house.” Owen said with a smile, giving Lucas a kiss on the cheek before looking back at his wife with his son in his arms. “We’re on it.”

Amelia gave up the dress and the fancy shoes as she spent the next forty minutes emptying a box of Kleenex as her runny nose wouldn’t give her a break. She had just felt the relief of being pain free after the aspirin kicked in when the sound of Owen’s car caught her attention.

To her absolute delight, her husband walked into the house carrying two large bags with take out food from their favorite restaurant. Somewhere along the way, he had called his mother to let her know they weren’t going out to dinner anymore.

“The crab cakes!” Amelia celebrated, picking up the box containing them. She had to dodge Lucas’ attempt to get his hand on the food before looking up at Owen with dreamy eyes. “You remembered!”

Owen smiled, glad to see she seemed a lot happier than before.

“Is this how it’s going to be from now on?” Amelia asked playfully, trying to juggle eating her food and containing Lucas on her lap at the same time.

“I surely hope so.” Owen replied, absolutely relaxed.

He and Amelia were sitting on the floor of their living room with several boxes opened on their coffee table. Lucas repeatedly tried to make moves for the food, even though he had just been fed, entertaining both his parents with his excessive gluttony.

“Do you think the new baby will be like him?” Owen asked, ruffling Lucas’ hair and being rewarded with a wide, toothless smile.

“I hope he or she is more like me.” Amelia chided. Lucas was physically similar to Owen. Only his eyes were like hers. It was only fair the new baby had some of her traits.

“Not gonna happen.” Owen teased her. In reality, he didn’t mind one bit if their next child took after Amelia.

“We’ll see about that.” Amelia replied challengingly. “And don’t say what you’re about to say. I know exactly what you’re thinking.”

“What?” Owen asked, genuinely confused.

“You think that just because you’re the boss now you can get away with things, but it’s not happening.” Amelia gave him her best devilish smile.

“I wasn’t thinking that.”

“Well, I was.”

Owen noticed the spark in her eyes at that moment but soon enough, his son’s happy giggles distracted him and thoughts about work quickly vanished his mind.

That valentine’s date in trio wasn’t exactly what they initially had in mind, but he had enjoyed it so much that he felt happier than he’d felt all day. He wouldn’t mind repeating it year after year. Owen hadn’t expected that they would have another baby so soon but now that he knew for sure his wife was pregnant, he was completely enjoying the idea.

And as he went to bed that night, Owen slept peacefully, without the faintest idea of just how much trouble his wife would cause, turning both his personal and professional lives completely upside down.

--

So Owen is the new chief and Amelia is his pestering pregnant wife. How is that going to work out? :)

[adhdyosafire]

  it took a fuckin while to draw these but alas here she is. i would have put her basic info DRAWN there 2 but the PAIN of lacking a pentab & using nothing but MOUSE is terrible but u kno ,,,, nya! both canon & variant verse will be explained below B”) just 4give my poor ass drawing skills

    basically her full name is kyana fletcher d.(aiki) mellington. she’s a british-japanese ( though she’s lived more in england rather than japan , thus was more used to their culture and language. she has visited her mother’s hometown several times though , but not as often. her accent is ever so slightly similar to bl/izzard’s tra/cer  ) . she’s about 23 y/o born on 05/26/19XX , about 6′5″ in height though originally 6′2″. her heels made her taller.  fluent in japanese and knows a little bit of french. she’s an IT engineer at mu/rkoff , yet also a web developer/designer and was responsible for several unsolved crimes. she uses a golden revolver to commit these crimes.

     she has undiagnosed psychopathy mainly because she rarely gave a shit about her mental health ( and highly doubts that she is sick in the first place , even believes in the contrary that she sees better than anyone else. smth like that. ) .

     her character , basically , is the villain in most stories who’s aware that they’re the villain and even lives up to it. think lor/d dom’s i’m the bad guy or sa/l just being the little shit he is. maybe less worse. or worse. you decide. she’s an antagonist and isn’t exactly the nicest girl around.

      PRE/BACKSTORY

            kyana grew up in a rather wealthy family with parents that loved her so. she’s a spoiled brat to say at the least , since her parents always gave her what she wanted and tried to make reason to her incorrect behavior . in school , she was typically a ‘’queen bee’’ but rarely had any friends despite her intimidating personality. it’s not like she cared too much though , what more she liked being an intimidating figure.  needless to say , she grew up in a life that was near to ‘ perfect ‘ but shit hit the fan eventually .

          her parents weren’t too young when they gave birth , thus they died of old age when kyana was around her teens. this distressed her , of course , but unlike most was quick to move on. her parents’ wealth was promised to be given to her when she was 18 but was first given to the hands of her aunt whom she moved in with. her aunt didn’t necessarily pay attention to her too much unlike her parents , and kyana wasn’t used to such treatment. she felt neglected for this state of her childhood but tried to not let it bother her too much . she had to move schools too eventually , and therefore lost her ‘popularity’ . she always got into several arguments and refused to be proven wrong even with evidence that she in fact was. her pride was something she never gave up . she eventually learned to become manipulative and put up a personality that was liked by many so her popularity once again increased and just like before , she was loved by many. but she uses this to her advantage to bully/bring down those who’ve disliked her at first , up to the point where they’ve chosen to leave the school / other terrible stuff. she never felt remorse for this however , only pure satisfaction. basically the same shit until she grew up to have a job. college was where she learned to toy with other’s hearts/feelings just for the sake of her amusement/sexual satisfaction for both men and women . her charms/good looks became a heavy advantage for her on this , along with her ability to flirt wisely though all deceived. ‘ falling in love ‘ was never a state kyana felt in her life because she couldn’t care less for romance .

       another thing about her personality as she grew up was she despised rules. she did not see the point in them , be it the commandments or laws in general. she has her own belief in where rules always rendered useless because  ‘ life’s short  , so ‘m gonna do whatever the fuck i wanna do ‘ . she finds it boring to follow such commands like robots being obliged to do tasks they’re programmed to do. this leads her to do some crimes for , again , the sake of her amusement or needs. be it greed for money or wrath / wanting revenge on some prick who’s pissed her off. she’s that petty. she was very power hungry too , which lead her to abandon her catholicism and worship herself instead.

      CANON

          kyana was still her ever so bitchy self in mount m/assive. of course she fucked with the other employees in more ways than one , and made sure she had a likable figure there as well. though she was aware of how terrible the shit they do in her workplace , it’s not like she could care less because ‘’ helping them nor pitying them would not be my benefit. perhaps , if i did , i’d achieve ‘justice’ as most would say , but it’s still an equivalence to golden rings to me. they’re both useless to me , hun. ‘’  so she continues on with her work.  the variants always piqued her interest though , and so ‘’playing’’ with them didn’t seem bad aka she wouldn’t really mind taking a trip inside the asylum herself ( AND BOY OH BOY WAS SHE WRONG ) 

          another thing she liked doing though was purely teasing with everyone else. think constantly bullying wa/ylon despite his size/timidness/reluctance to go ‘’rebel’’ with her ( and truthfully she does pity those who liked to follow rules , saying that they’re missing one hell of a life and just hopelessly becoming slaves to some dumb text printed on some paper  ) . she would literally cross the boundaries and even tease her boss as well since she didn’t enjoy being ‘bossed’ around or having someone more dominant/powerful than she is. ( lit tho she’d place a gun against his head n threaten him all she was n 5 seconds later lol bitch it’s a watergun i cant BELIEVE u peed urself!! )

     VARIANT

        in which her dream becomes true. this one’s still pretty much a huge wip but she generally takes the same path as wa/ylon , except she was either thrown in there w/o having to go to the morphogenic engine for either 1) angering jere/my and him just wantin 2 get petty revenge idk 2) kyana wasn’t mentally healthy in the first place and her little ‘gun’ incident made them throw her there , god im so unsure or 3) her just. getting in.  bc why not. ( i was supposed 2 add abt her following after way’s paths but that’s a WHOLE DIFF STORY OOPS ) 

       she unfortunately gets in unarmed though and loses her gun in the process. though she’s (thicc) physically capable of handling herself , her combat skills were not as great w/o the usage of weapons. thus in the path of meeting fra/nk she unfortunately gets her left breast cut off ( bc it was ‘’’meaty’’’ and thus more delicious yum YUM ) and manages to escape him . she’s slightly TERRIFIED at this point but not as much. the other variants didn’t matter to her nor did they have a large effect on her , what more they annoyed her with their stares/w/e im too lazy to explain it at this moment it’d be pretty obvious since she was a female wandering in the male ward

        much like both protagonists , traveling around the asylum made her sanity DROP further than it already was originally.  it’s basically the same or at least ALMOST the same torture as wa/ylon went through ( in which i’ll talk about in a more detailed way #soon(tm) ) . the gown , obviously , came from ed/die in attempts of making her into one of his brides ( and since she was presumbably the first female he’s come across with he’d be glad to finally found someone who was already PHYSICALLY acceptable for him so all he did was shove her in that damn dress ) but at this point she’s already snapped . she’d play for a while , but moments later had fought back and eventually killing the other inmate in the process , but not without saying ‘ thanks for the dress though , darlin~ ‘ in the process of murder. much like her previous criminal acts , she found slaughter amusing and p much did it to the other variants she’d come across w/ and called it an act of ‘mercy’ since it was so much better to die than let murkoff use them for experiments. think chris’ except his intentions were more linked to the wal/rider , in where kyana talked about the entire asylum in general.

      the guts were a faux flowercrown . since she still had to look pretty even in a godforsaken place , which should hint/show her VERY obvious narcissism .

       she has either stayed in the asylum as a wandering female variant in the male ward or if we’re following/making her path in the whistl/eblower story , she’d end up killing even jerem/y rather than miles’ wa/lrider doing it. same w/ waylo/n but AGAIN , that’s a different story(tm) that i’ll post abt soon

ONCE AGAIN NON FILTER FOR PROPER COLORS...

[dalovelee1]

Black people are one of the least likely groups of Americans to get professional mental health services but remain some of the most resilient people in the world.

I’ve been trying to figure out how it happens my entire life. Generations of oppression, racism, poverty and community violence should have wiped our community out centuries ago. Yet here we are alive and well in 2018, just to realize that the hate and injustice toward our community is still as strong as ever. The stereotypes of the angry black man and woman, lazy black people, and the least intelligent race remain etched in the back of most people’s conscious, whether they recognize it or not. Racial tensions are so strong that a gubernatorial candidate in Florida named Ron DeSantis had the nerve to say he hopes the voters “don’t monkey it up” by voting for Andrew Gilliam, his black opponent. The problem with all this racial tension is that it has an adverse impact on the physical and mental health of those at the receiving end of racism, discrimination, bigotry, implicit biases, prejudices or whatever you want to call it.

According to the Health and Human Services Office of Minority Health (2018), “African Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population.” We are watching our people be unnecessarily brutalized by law enforcement and our complaints dismissed in the judicial system. We watch our sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, be unnecessarily slaughtered in our own streets due to inner-city violence. Our children are not receiving adequate education in our pubic schools and can be terrorized when we attempt to do so, like what happened to 11-year old Faith Fennidy in Terrytown, Louisana. There are social indicators of health for black people are concerning. As a community, we are traumatized over and over again. We have mass PTSD that goes diagnosed and more often ignored. We don’t typically get treated for it either. Those symptoms include hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, intrusive thoughts and/or memories, depression, distrust of others, paranoia and an increasingly negative world view. This contributes to physical health conditions like hypertension, diabetes and even cancer. We even make dealing with that look pretty easy. How are we able to do it without the help of social workers, therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists?

Well, instead of going to counseling, we get our hair done.

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It doesn’t matter if we’re male or female, hair is our therapy. It doesn’t matter how old we are either. Hair is one of the strategies we’ve been able to be so resilient. Our barbers and beauticians are more than stylists. They are often confidants. We have regular appointments with the same hair barber and stylist for years to make sure we “look” presentable to the world. We spend almost $8 billion each year on hair care products and services because hair care services are therapeutic. According to researchers, “New research from Mintel reveals that sales of styling products have increased 26.8 percent from 2013 to estimated 2015, reaching $946 million, now comprising 35 percent of Black haircare sales, a significant increase from the 16 percent it represents in the total haircare market” (Mintel). The study also showed that “Nearly two in five (38 percent) Black consumers report that they are constantly looking for ways to improve their appearance, and in the quest to look their best, they are open to trying various hairstyles.”

That’s because black people have learned that the old saying, “If you look good, you feel good” is true. It’s been proven in studies so much that the American Cancer Society started a Look Good Feel Better program to help cancer patients with their recovery. We feel worthy when our hair looks nice. It boosts our self esteem and builds the confidence we need to endure the everyday challenges of being black in America. We get depressed when our hair doesn’t meet our expectations. We can’t function because we think other people perceive us as dysfunctional if our appears is not the way we want it. It cause a tremendous amount of anxiety that prevents us from performing our best. We cover it with scarves and hats to hide it from the world. Sometimes we won’t even leave our homes until our hair is satisfactory.

The very act of getting our hair done is self-care. It helps us relax. It feels wonderful to have our hair scrubbed. We enjoy having oil massaged into our scalps. Brothas love having a crisp lineup (haircut, beard and mustache). Sistahs relish in receiving royal treatment (wash and style). It is a healthy practice that brings peace and tranquility. We take pride in the images revealed from the services rendered. Taking care of our hair is a sign of health boosts our mood. In fact, hair that is not consistently maintained (washed, cut and styled regularly) could be a sign of a mental health concern is present or approaching. The person my often make comments like “I’m tired of being tired” or “it’s always something”.

HAIR is what you need to do if you find yourself in that predicament.

Build yourself a tribe where you can vent about current events and private issues that are bothering you. “The Shop” is a place where we can go to socialize. Regulars get to know each other and will become homies. We run into our friends and family. Barbers and cosmetologists provide space for the community to plan for change or celebrate milestones. (Interesting fact – I read somewhere that slaves would braid maps in each other’s hair to aid with an escape to the Underground Railroad. I don’t recall where I read that.) Neighborhood picnics, free haircuts for back-to-school, and other events are often successful because barbers and beauticians a notorious for giving back to the community. It’s amazing how people are coming together and hosting events strictly for the sake of celebrating our unique and textured hair. We create an enormous social network in hair community. The natural hair community in particular provides support to one another. We have meetups, workshops and festivals for the sake of our hair. We develop businesses together, teach one another, as well support and encourage each other.

Black people can go to the shop for advice and encouragement. Most are safe spaces to discuss taboo topics and rumors. (Some may be a bit rowdy but most are quit pleasant.) People get clarification about things going on in the community through conversations. People also discuss career and business opportunities in the hair shops. Partnerships are formed. Goods are exchanged. People share success stories and failures. Some people get help with relationships. Others vent about their frustrations with their children. Friends sometimes call each other out on their behavior in the beauty and barbershops. Values are exchanged. Community standards are communicated. Coping skills are even shared and modeled through the affirmation of feelings and disclosure of personal experiences.

Another reason the venue has therapeutic qualities is people are held accountable for doing what you say. Patrons will follow up with you at the next appointment to see if you followed their advice and how it worked. They help you unpack some of the baggage that comes with being black in the US. They will let you know, in a direct manner, if you are making wise or foolish decisions. Most of the time, they will laugh with you about your problems to help you realize you need to change your patterns of thinking and behaving. Other times, they laugh at you and your problems. It’s all in good fun. Just remember, being apart of the hair community ensures that we aren’t isolated. It gives us a place to seek resources and to promote ourselves. Hair is exactly how black people cope.

I want to give a shout out and show some love to all of the barbers and beauticians of the world. Thank you for using your talents and hard work to render a service that cleanses and heals the eyes as well as the soul. Special shout out to Cecil “CJ the Barber Artist” Jackson for keeping my entire family cut up right! You can find him at Executive Cuts in Reflections Salon & Suites on the Beltline. You won’t be disappointed.

Do you agree or disagree? Talk to me. I really wanna know what you think. Black people are one of the least likely groups of Americans to get professional mental health services but remain some of the most resilient people in the world.

[megannifranklyn]

I came across Bruce Lipton years ago when he released the book ‘The Biology of Belief’. I am fascinated with the subconscious mind and how our thoughts create our reality.  This guy just merges science with spirituality, quite like a lot of other high profile science guys (Gregg Braden, Dr Joe Dispenza etc) who have realised the power of our heart.

A little bit about him –

Bruce H. Lipton, Ph.D., a pioneer in the new biology, is an internationally recognized leader in bridging science and spirit. A cell biologist by training, Bruce was on the faculty of the University of Wisconsin’s School of Medicine and later performed groundbreaking stem-cell research at Stanford University. He is the best-selling author of The Biology of Belief and received the 2009 prestigious Goi Peace Award (Japan) in honor of his scientific contribution to world harmony. Website: www.brucelipton.com

  He has discovered that our subconscious is running the show and the beliefs have been installed from the age of 0-7.  We can reprogramme our mind so don’t freak out, this is where mindfulness comes in, heart focused breathing, practicing compassion for ourselves and others, feeling gratitude for every little thing and much more.   We all want to live happier, fearless, purposeful lives and Bruce is here to share with us what he has learned from his own experiences and from his scientific research.

This was one of my favourite more recent interview with Bruce Lipton so please watch this as you will be drawn into his joy, passion, and complete enthusiasm for this subject.

My notes from Bruce Lipton videos and what I find useful in developing a happier healthier life.

 BE MINDFUL??We need to find out what our programming is? from 0-7.  You may wonder how you can tell what these programmes are as you cant remember such a young age.  You simply look at your life now and you can tell what sort of programming you had installed.  What works and what doesn’t.  Look at the programme that you run like – Programme of weakness, programme of limitation, programme of victim, my programme that I need to suffer in order to help others..or programmes that I am unlucky in love or programmes I loose at all games.

Then you look at how you change these programmes.

The conscious mind is creative, you can read a book and gain knowledge, or learn to drive a car or paint a picture. The subconscious mind is a recorder and plays back just like a  recorder.  That means it learns in a different ways.  The first 7 years your brain is working at a low level frequency called Theta which is like hypnosis so a child up until 7 is recording everyone’s behaviour from those around us.  But after the age of 7 we learn from repeating and practicing.  Like how do we learn the times tables at school, well we repeat and repeat until it sinks into our subconscious mind.

New age sort of people say FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT… because repetition forms the habit.  So just fake it till you make it every day that programming is installed.  Repeat Repeat Repeat

Rapid relief change – Energy Psychology? Super Learning – what exactly is it? Like speed reading you can reprogramme your mind a lot quicker.  Woweee..changing our belief in 5 minutes..this is just out of this world amazing and I shall list the many at the bottom of blog.

We cant talk to the subconscious mind as there is no one in there, look at it just like a recorder, a mechanism so we cant just say what we are going to change.

The body is like a robot and the brain is the controller but the brain has a programme and the brain has a spirit.  When it runs from the spirit we can create heaven on earth.  When it runs from the programme we create whatever the hell the programme says it is.

Look at the world, we have been separated for thousands of years by people competing against each other and look how it is turning out, it is causing our own extinction.   We are all one and we need to live like this with compassion and living from our heart

The heart reads energy, Quantum Physics says we are all energy.  IF my heart says wow I would love that – that means the energy says that from the heart.  How do you feel about this? Energy is a feeling, Your heart will give you three answers – I don’t like that, I don’t wanna do that or I don’t much care.  Always do the rational thinking but the last decision must come from the heart – if the feeling says you are gonna gain more energy then go for it but if your heart says no then go away from it  The answer is your heart and is the reading of energy.  Thinking followed by feeling.

Heart Math breathing – This is a tool I have and love.  Energy can come together and pair up and make more energy, called good vibes and bad vibes.  We have been so programmed to think of the material world instead of the vibrational world.  Quantum physics is the most valid science on earth.  The field, the energy is the most important aspect of our lives.  The heart, Love is the energy, the  highest form of energy.

Okay so I said I would list the Energy healing modalities that Bruce has posted on his page and I am amazed at how many there are.  I deal in energy healing and practice quite a few of these but I cannot wait to investigate some of the others.

Belief Change and Energy Psychology Modalities

Psych-K

PSYCH-K is a set of principles and processes designed to change subconscious beliefs that limit the expression of your full potential as a divine being having a human experience. From Bruce Lipton: “I teach with Rob Williams the orginator of PSYCH-K. This is the modality that I use personally and with which I am most familiar.”

Core Health

Why don’t they look for what is right with me?” Core Health is a non-cultural, non-religious expansion of our inborn core of health — what is right in us! Advancing from studying disease to understanding Health, this innovative process moves beyond treating symptoms to Truly Freeing each individual by internal energetic decisions. Core Health leaps to the core of pure health, removing energy distortions for free flow of positive energy. The highly-effective DTQ Process (Deeply, Thoroughly, Quickly) dynamically achieves precise, experienced, permanent re-activation of a person’s innate healthy core.

Body Talk Systems

BodyTalk is an astonishingly simple and effective form of therapy that allows the body’s energy systems to be re-synchronized so that they can operate as nature intended. Each system, cell and atom is in constant communication with each other at all times. Through exposure to the stresses of day-to-day life, these lines of communication become compromised, which then leads to a decline in physical, emotional and/or mental health. Reconnecting these lines of communication then enables the body’s mechanisms to function at optimal levels, thus preventing disease and rapidly accelerating the healing process. BodyTalk can be used as a stand-alone system to treat many health problems, or seamlessly integrated into any health care system to increase its effectiveness and promote faster healing.

Emotional Freedom Technique

Based on impressive new discoveries regarding the body’s subtle energies, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) has been proven successful in thousands of clinical cases. It applies to just about every emotional, health and performance issue you can name and it often works where nothing else will.

Resonance Repattering

Quantum Change made easy. The Resonance Repatterning System – Resonance Repatterning System is an energy process which can help you identify and clear the patterns of energy underlying any issue, problem or pain you are experiencing.

Inner Resonance Technologies

IRT has 7 brief steps that facilitate you in making certain inner agreements that set the conditions to allow your own automatic system to rebalance and harmonize itself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, transforming all parts of your life.

Instant Emotional Healing

Instant Emotional Healing: Acupressure for the Emotions, by Peter T. Lambrou, Ph.D. and George J. Pratt, Ph.D. Drs. Pratt and Lambrou have created a book that explains the foundations of a new branch of therapy call energy psychology.

Neurolink’s Neurological Integration System

NIS is based upon the neurophysiology principle that the brain governs optimum function of all the body systems. Prioritized treatment protocols are used to assess the function of all the body’s systems, and all the factors that have or could translate themselves to symptoms.Neurolink’s protocols leverage the brain’s profound ability to restore the body and all its systems to full potential.

Silva Ultramind System

The Silva UltraMind Seminar is the pinnacle of the work of Jose Silva, developed in the late 90s – just shortly before Mr. Silva passed away in 1999. The Silva UltraMind System trains you to use your mind to such a powerful extent that within a few days you are able to demonstrate ESP and influence healing in others. We also teach you how to identify your mission in life and to use the power of your creative mind, to propel you toward this goal.

The Healing Codes

Now, you can discover how to: * Super Charge your immune system. * Help your body heal itself. * Turn on your natural healing systems to heal your pain, stress, fear, depression and disease. * Turn your body’s cells from Protect Mode to Growth Mode. In growth mode, your body’s cells can protect you from or heal almost anything.

The Henddricks Institute

Resources for conscious living and loving.

NetMindBody

The Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) is a powerful intervention that can assess and alleviate the internal stressors that are creating barriers to health and success.

Holosync

The lazy man’s way to meditate. Listening to this amazing, scientifically proven brain technology gives you all the benefits of meditation — in a fraction of the time — easily and effortlessly.

Lifeflow Meditation

Thousands of people worldwide are experiencing tremendous benefits with the scientifically proven, cutting edge technology of the most powerful personal growth and mind improvement system ever.

Embody Truth

The nature of this work is to ‘use techniques’ to have a direct experience of yourself, to achieve healing trauma, developing core essence, higher and more embodied states of consciousness and a more sovereign and heart-centered presence.

Rosen Method

Rosen Method is distinguished by its gentle, direct touch. Using hands that listen rather than manipulate, the practitioner focuses on chronic muscle tension. As relaxation occurs and the breath deepens, unconscious feelings, attitudes, and memories may emerge.

The Body Code System of Natural Healing

By learning “The Body Code System for Ultimate Energy Healing and Body Balancing System”, you will gain tools to help yourself by releasing the blocks that hold you back from being totally healthy, from being successful in business, and from finding love and happiness in your life. You will be much better able to find and correct the underlying imbalances that are preventing you from having the health and happiness that may be currently avoiding you!

The Journey

The Journey is now recognized internationally as one of the most powerful healing processes available, accessing the body’s own healing wisdom at the deepest level of ‘source’ or the soul.

Eric Pearl and the Reconnective Healing

Discover how to immediately access new frequencies of healing.

Rapid Eye Technology

Rapid Eye Technology is a natural, safe way to release stress and trauma by simulating REM sleep, your body’s own natural release system. This powerful quick release happens without reliving the trauma. Accessing the whole mind/body system while in an awake state allows you to be in control of your own journey.

Consciousness 2.0

Your whole system can be upgraded. When you upgrade your programming, you will uninstall fear, judgment, limitation, struggle and pain programming. Install your Highest True Self consciousness, programmed for compassion, joy, unity and abundance.

The Sedona Method

The Sedona Method is a unique, simple, powerful, easy-to-learn and duplicate technique that shows you how to uncover your natural ability to let go of any painful or unwanted feeling, belief or thought in the moment.

The RIM Method

The RIM Method is a quick and effective way of Re-generating Images in Memory to accelerate emotional and physical healing. Guides you along the RIM between head and heart, mind and body for greater health, fulfillment and success.

Metodo One Soul

In honor of G.Stokes e D. Whiteside. A gentle emotional rebalancing that emphasizes on the individual power to integrate Body, Mind and Soul, using muscle testing to identify blocked awareness caused by negative emotional stress.

Emotional Transformation

Emotional Transformation German

(aka EmoTrance) will help you cope with emotional reactions, resolve emotional programming, and transform blocked emotional energy into a hard to describe exhilaration. You are not at the mercy of feelings like anger, rage, disappointment, exhaustion, overwhelm etc. If you can sense where in your body an emotion manifests then the proverbial lump in your throat can be dissolved or gut-wrenching events can be turned into happiness with Emotional Transformation — often surprisingly quickly.

InnerTalk Technology

InnerTalk Technology is a patented technology that has been researched by numerous independent universities and institutions and been demonstrated effective at priming how you speak to yourself and is designed in such a way that the change you desire begins from within as a result of changing the way you talk to yourself, and thereby your expectation and attitude.

ThetaHealing

ThetaHealing® teaches how to put to use our natural intuition, relying upon unconditional love of Creator Of All That Is to do the actual “work”.

Transform Your Beliefs

Clear Your Beliefs is a do-it-yourself program for clearing your negative and limiting beliefs at the core of the psyche. Through the gentle process of guided imagery, you will be brought into direct contact with your subconscious mind.

Hypnoenergetics

Hynoenergetics is the blending of the Four Dimensions; The Physical Presence, The Emotional Landscape, The Spiritual Being and The Energy Field into one healing philosophy allows for deep personal transformation at all levels.

R.E.A.P

Remote Energetic Alignment Process, is a healing method that diminishes physical and emotional illness and conditions by bringing you into balance and alignment with the energy of source and therefore your natural state of well-being and happiness.  This is accomplished by using techniques that resonate with 10 specific body areas.  When these areas are activated, your body’s systems are strengthened and your emotions are balanced. The end result aligns you with who-you-really-are which awakens you to a joyful new sense of self and of purpose and brings you energy and vitality.

Innerwise

Innerwise is a simple to learn and use diagnostic, healing and coaching system founded by German MD Uwe Albrecht 20 years ago. Worldwide more than 140,000 people are using innerwise to help and treat themselves, clients, relationships, living spaces, and businesses.

PBSP

Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor (PBSP) is the most advanced therapeutic system available for emotional re-education or reprogramming.

Cranial Release Technique

CRT represents a true advancement in cranial based health care. This single procedure, which takes only minutes to perform, has the potential to make a very real and exciting difference in the way you practice.

Family Constellations

Family Constellations are for individuals, couples and families interested in resolving life issues and looking to find a solid foundation for new direction in their lives.

Energy Therapy

Energy Therapy focuses on educating others to realise the energetic basis of all life, providing a wealth of resources in energy healing and conscious living to their worldwide community.  People return to deeper health and wholeness through in-person and online energy healing sessions, coaching and spiritual guidance, and through their diverse programme of energy healing courses, workshops and retreats. You can also enjoy their free online library of yoga, energy medicine, health and conscious living articles.

Thought Field Therapy

TFT Tapping provides the emotional freedom to move forward in every area of your life. Tap away your stress, anxiety and fear and live life with clarity and peace of mind.

Somatic Pattern Recognition

Somatic Pattern Recognition teaches you to perceive your body and its relationship with the gravitational field of Earth and helps you to make small adjustments in the way you move and how you are in your body which allow the greater force of gravity to support you.

  Bruce Lipton – Change Your Programming I came across Bruce Lipton years ago when he released the book 'The Biology of Belief'. I am fascinated with the subconscious mind and how our thoughts create our reality.