#(still can't believe i'm in stem now who would have thought)

[mariusslonelysoul]

[vanessagillings]

I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:  

I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic.  Some people who know me in real life still don’t.  And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM.  I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe?  I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag.  Even so, how could autism describe me?  I was a good student.  I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class.  I can make eye contact…if I must.  And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right?  Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?

If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it.  I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them:  sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak.  It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once. 

So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance.  It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day.  But it shouldn’t be like this.  It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities. 

It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.  This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs.  No two people on the spectrum present in the same way.  And that’s a good thing!  No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.

But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic.  I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway.  I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day.  More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing.  My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.

If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network  autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:

What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz

We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia

Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess

Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD

Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman

(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).

Thanks for reading 💛

[teyamsatan]

𝕄𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕀𝕟 𝕄𝕖 | ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕍𝕀: 𝕊𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘'𝕤 𝕄𝕒𝕕𝕖 𝕐𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝔼𝕪𝕖𝕤 𝔾𝕠 ℂ𝕠𝕝𝕕

Pairing: Neteyam x (f)Omaticaya!Reader

synopsis: Even in your state, memories of your past can't help but flood your subconscious, as Neteyam has a conversation with his father that will change the way he's viewed the last seven years of his life.

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, aged-up! Neteyam/Reader, enemies-to-lovers, angst (mentions of violence, battle, blood, death), strong language.

wc: 6.8k words

a/n: this chapter was written to pretty much be a mirror of last chapter, with the same concept of flashbacks vs present time, except this time we get to see Vi's memories from the 7 years they hated each other, which will hopefully provide context for why Neteyam's hatred doesn't only stem from that fateful conversation he overheard, but also from her petty, vindictive actions, that only grew as time went on. i hope you enjoy this chapter, besties (i feel very insecure about it so pls go easy on me, i'm still recovering hahaha) x there's only two chapters left, and i'm already sad about this story coming to an end, but i hope you enjoyed the ride. pls don't forget to leave a comment or a reblog and tell me your thoughts, i loveee to hear from you so much!

na'vi compendium: txepvi  - spark, sa'nok - mother, ite - daughter, Olo'eykte - female Olo'eyktan, oare - moon, nawm - great, syä - bitter

: ̗̀➛ previous chapter (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series playlist (x)

You and I walk a fragile line I have known it all this time But I never thought I'd live to see it break

Neteyam hasn’t blinked since the accident, it feels. He definitely hasn't blinked since he did last, when you opened your eyes and then closed them again, never to be opened since. He doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know why it matters so much that he stays so acutely present and aware, so that his eyes are locked onto your sleeping frame, doesn’t know why the thought of falling asleep and missing you, missing your eyes fluttering open or staying shut forever hurts him so beyond reason or words, so beyond anything he’s ever known. So he hasn’t blinked. Everyone else was long gone, including his grandmother, who hurried to the tree of souls to pray for the safe return of her family and the rest of the brave Na’vi warriors who were still fighting in that wretched battle, the one that seemed never-ending, the one that riddled Neteyam with guilt for not taking part in. 

“There’s nothing we can do for her now, ma ‘itan. She’s in Eywa’s hands now, we just have to wait and see.”

Neteyam hated those words. With a burning passion. Wait and see. So passive, so out of his control, so… hopeless. And yet here he was. Waiting, to see if you’d ever wake up, to see if his family, his mother and father, his friends, his clan members would survive the night and the challenge that might overtake them without him being there to help or stop it, or even witness it. Seeing, seeing you, powerless and lifeless, just a flicker of the bright spark you've always been, it stirred something in him.

You were so beautiful. He hated himself for realising it, but you were. You always have been, and although so much of your beauty came from the soul that was wild and untamed and too big to be contained inside you, still, you were beautiful. And like this, no usual frown or defiant smirk that you reserved for him, he could focus on your face and realise that you haven’t changed that much in all these years, not as much as he has led himself to believe in time. Like this, in this light, with a peaceful look on your face, eyelashes casting shadows over your lapis cheeks, your tahni glowing dimly and flickering softly, your lips slightly parted as you breathed in and out, you reminded him a lot of the Vi he used to love, the Vi before the ugly fights, and the constant war, before the hurt and the pain, before every day was just another opportunity to see who could hurt the other the most. He always thought you won those, all of those. 

“T-tey…”

His musings come to a swift closure as your lips move minutely, air barely getting pushed past them. You were speaking, and he felt himself coming back to life with each sound coming out of your mouth. 

“Teyam…” 

It's getting dark and it's all too quiet And I can't trust anything now And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake

“Teyam…” 

You wake up in a sweat, like you did most days these days since the Iknimaya, whimpering the name of the boy you used to call your best friend, that you no longer could, for reasons you still couldn’t understand, that you feared more and more you never would. In your dreams, you fight and make up, and he tells you he’s sorry and that it was just a misunderstanding and that he’ll do whatever it takes to win you back, because just like you’ve gotten used to over the last few years, you two will always be bound by the hip and there was nothing that could ever come between you. It was a nice sentiment, but one that never manifested itself to you in any waking moment, as, since your Iknimaya, Neteyam has treated you like a stranger, like an ugly thought he fought his hardest to banish from his mind.

With a deep sigh, you put new clothes on and struggled to eat a few pieces of yovo fruit you picked up off the floor on your last hunt. You missed the food Neytiri made, and although they still brought you nourishment fresh every time they made it, it wasn’t the same without the familial, loving atmosphere you’ve come to rely on all these years, so you barely touched it, choosing instead to give it to the other orphans of the war that hadn't been as fortunate as you. You couldn’t bring yourself to go back to them, no matter how many times they asked. Not when you knew that if you did, you’d be met with a dead stare you couldn’t handle looking into, not without crying, and there’s nothing you hated more than crying in front of people. There’s nothing you hated more than showing weakness, and he didn’t deserve to see you weak. Not anymore. 

Days dragged in training without someone to help time pass faster, without someone to brighten up your days, but they did pass. You had to sit next to Neteyam in briefings and in shooting practice, your ikran still played with each other even mid flight until one of you had to will them away from one another so as to avoid an awkward interaction, his presence and spirit was everywhere around you and in you and yet, it’s like you didn’t exist in his life anymore. 

"Come over for dinner, kid. It's been weeks. We miss having you."

You didn't know how many more excuses you could come up with to not do as Jake said, although you did suspect they knew about your and Neteyam's fallout. It was hard not to know, when the air shifted whenever you were in each other's presence, when it became icy and glacial and empty like a vast, cold tundra that you couldn't escape no matter how much you tried.

"Jake..."

"I know, you're sick and you don't want to get Tuk sick, you're too tired for food so you're just gonna crash in your tent, you have discovered a new allergy to an ingredient that Neytiri uses that's never been a problem in the years we've known you, but it suddenly is now... still, just come, okay?"

"Look, I promised your dad I'd take care of you. I can't do that if you're gonna push us away. Whatever it is between you and Neteyam... it will pass. You love each other too much for it not to pass. But hiding, moping, walking 'round looking hopeless and aimless - it isn't you. I need you to be the spark I know and love and fight. You've never gone down without a fight - don't start now. Ok?"

“Ma ‘itan.” 

Neteyam’s eyes snapped in the direction of the tent flap prying open, his mother’s lean, graceful figure emerging and he immediately rose from his spot to hurry to her side and envelop her in a hug they both desperately needed. She was fine. She was here, and walking and standing… alive. She was alive. 

“Sa’nok! Where’s father? What took so long? Is everyone ok? I am -”

“Shh, Neteyam.” His mother was a warrior, always. She was strong and capable and skilled, she was tough and knowledgeable. And yet somehow, beneath it all, she was still soft and kind and caring and empathetic, she knew exactly what her kids always felt, and she knew exactly what to say to make it better. When she her hand found the back of his neck, guiding him into her embrace, his face gently tucked in the crook of her neck, Neteyam found himself sobbing, finally able to let the pent-up emotion surface, all the anger, and sadness and guilt, and relief the last few days have brought washing over him and onto his mother’s shoulders, and she cooed affectionately, not saying a word. She knew there was no need for words, no words could ever made this better. 

“She’s dead, mum. Oare’s dead.”

“I know…” 

“Please tell me everyone’s alright. Please.” 

“It will all be alright, son. Everything will be alright.”

It will be alright… Everything will be alright.

Oh, I'm holding my breath Won't lose you again Something's made your eyes go cold

“Alright, now that you’re back in our tent, where you belong, we thought we’d celebrate both your and Neteyam’s incredible iknimaya! You both did phenomenally, kids, and we are so, so proud of you both. The youngest to ever have done it, too! I mean, I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty sure it’s all my training regi-“ 

Jake ceased his monologue as soon as he noticed the dead silence in the tent, and the awkward looks that Neytiri kept shooting him when she discerned both your and Neteyam’s gazes stuck to the floor, a cold look on his face and an uncomfortable one on yours, neither of you in a celebratory mood, neither really ready or willing to relive the Iknimaya and how a beautiful, ethereal day turned into a nightmare in hindsight, plagued forever by the ill-feelings now tugging at both of your hearts.

You stared at Neteyam, as did most of his family, even the young Lo’ak who could not truly understand what was happening, why people were quiet, but could still feel the atmosphere shift, the air thicken, the silence linger and weigh heavily on all the people present in the room. Despite it all, you kept staring, kept hoping that throughout the newfound ice that enveloped the golden aura that he always exuded, that was your home and your light, your biggest question and adventure, your safety net and peace all in one, the memory of that night, so beautiful and far-removed, would bring him back to the boy you loved, the boy you needed, the boy you missed.

He was silent, still, a frown on his face and anger clear as day in his beautiful eyes, that you barely recognised, that you couldn’t believe belonged to Neteyam, your 'teyam. You kept staring and kept staring, until you felt the so-far unflinching sadness and despondency stew and seethe, until it changed and evolved, until you felt the familiar bubbling of anger remove reason or rhyme from your soul, until all you saw in front of your eyes was red, and Neteyam was the one taunting you with the blood-coloured cloth dangled in front of your face. Neteyam wanted this? Wanted to dismiss you and discard you like a toy he outgrew? Fine. You would make sure he regretted it - you have always been wild and creative, and without him, you now had heaps of time to be both, at the same time, all towards him. 

“Thank you, Jake. We couldn’t have done without your help and guidance all these years. Thank you for everything you and Neytiri and Mo’at have done for me, and I’m happy to tell you that, despite my momentary lapse in judgement, I am not going anywhere. I want to be here, I want to be part of your family if you want to have me, and I will let nothing stand in the way of that.”

As you talked, you rose from your spot to hug your adoptive parents, and they happily returned the gesture, pulling you tightly against their chests and pecking the top of your head. Lo’ak and Kiri joined enthusiastically and before long, you were suffocating in love and care and familial affection, Neteyam nowhere to be found. You were sad about it, you couldn’t help it, but for the first time in weeks the sadness was second-place, and so you found a small smirk haunting you at the prospect you were hurting him even a small amount - maybe a small fraction to the hurt he’s caused you, but there nonetheless. 

“Also… do I get a special reward for beating the Iknimaya in record time, the fastest it’s ever been done? I feel like I’m well on the way to stealing Neteyam’s spot as the next Olo’eykte. Wouldn’t that be just a riot?” 

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong You're all I wanted

"How is she?" Neteyam's eyes were heavier by the second, so tired and spent in light of everything that's transpired, in light of the bustling of crowds outside meeting what remained of the Na'vi forces that fought in a battle that while Neteyam wasn't sure, he suspected took more lives than he'll ever be able to live with. Kiri was quiet as she entered, and Neteyam was grateful for his sister, who stood with him most of the night, who checked in on you while the Tsa'hik was preoccupied with other, more pressing matters.

"The same, I think. She hasn't woken up, I don't think. She hasn't moved."

Kiri walked the length of the tent until she reached you, kneeling by your side and pressing the back of her palm on your forehead. She had something wrapped in a leaf that replaced her hand and Neteyam watched with curious eyes, hoping that by paying special attention to whatever remedy that was, it would work harder and faster, would bring you back screaming and thrashing and cursing him out, because if there's something that he's realised since your accident, it was that anything was better than the deafening silence that he couldn't escape and couldn't imagine living in for a second longer than he had to. Anything was better than this.

"Her fever's not going down. I think whatever it was she scratched herself on while she fell was poisonous. That, combined with the impact of the fall... she's lucky she's alive, Neteyam."

Neteyam couldn't help the shudder that took over his body. He didn't have any hair, the way that humans did, but he imagined if he did, it would all be standing up like blades of grass on the ground, taut and barely-moving in the warm breeze. He shifted slightly so Kiri could perch herself next to him, arms touching as she leaned on him, before placing her head on his shoulder.

"Why are you still here, big brother?"

Neteyam thought about it, until he couldn't anymore, because the thoughts weren't making sense, because they all contradicted each other, because he was tired and heartbroken and distraught, and losing Oare was obviously making him soft and delusional.

"You know you're in love with her, right? Please tell me you realise this, at least now, after all this time, in light of everything that's happened, in light of how you've acted it because of it. It's been so long, Neteyam. So long of us watching you be horrible to each other and hope that one day, you'd both wake up and realise the only reason you're acting like this is because you're too blind to see what's right in front of your eyes."

Neteyam's eyes widened progressively more with each word uttered, until they were so wide it hurt. To hear it out loud, spoken so casually, as if it were a fact, shocked the Sully man. Us? Who else thought this? Who else could possibly be blind enough to perpetuate such disparaging ideas that made Neteyam's skin crawl even at the notion.

"I'm not in love with her, Kiri. I can't be in love with her. After everything she's done... everything I've done... this can't be love. Maybe it was, once. Maybe I loved her once. Maybe I loved her so much I couldn't imagine my life without her." Neteyam sighed, looking at your face, tears pooling in his eyes as early memories of young Vi juxtaposed against later memories of you, so many memories he wanted to forget and banish from his mind, so many cruel, harmful, ugly memories that made up most of his view of you now. "But not anymore."

Kiri rises from her spot with a sigh, patting her brother's head with an exasperated sigh, before she leaves.

"You haven't moved. You haven't slept or eaten, you haven't blinked. Our parents need your help bringing back the injured, the clan needs your help as the future Olo'eyktan, and yet... you haven't moved. I think that says everything. The first step in solving any problem is recognising there is one, brother. The sooner you admit your feelings, the sooner you can work towards fixing your broken relationship."

Stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had But I still mean every word I said to you He will try to take away my pain and he just might make me smile But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead

Desire burning deep in you was the only thing you felt as Akxo continued to trail kisses on your neck, a string of saliva connecting the purple lovebites that still stung slightly from when he marked you with them just a few minutes ago. With your eyes closed as they were, it was almost easy to imagine you were all alone, just you and this guy you’ve known your whole life but only recently realised had become a man, powerful and strong after just completing his Uniltaron just a few days ago. Despite your imagination, though, you were, in fact, not alone, nor isolated, but in plain view, propped against a tree of the clearing where you all trained in, that still had people working hard to improve on their skills, which is probably what you should be doing. But there was something so innately satisfying about doing this instead, as soon as Jake had to leave and tend to his other Olo’eyktan duties and left you and Neteyam in charge, doing it so he could watch, so he could stew in the bile that was his existence and know there’s nothing he could do to stop it, because he had no leverage over you and no power to hold over your head. Not now, and never again.  

Jake had been wrong. Whatever it was that happened between Neteyam and you didn’t pass, not a few months and definitely not now, years later. If anything, it got a lot, lot worse. Because while in the beginning it was uncomfortable silence and cold and unwieldy dejection, it was now fire and blood, it was teeth and claws, it was anger and resentment. You recognised a lot of it came from you. Most of it came from you. Because Jake might have been wrong about some things, but he was right about others. You’ve never gone down without a fight - and if a fight was what Neteyam wanted all this time, a fight was what he was going to get. Because while he might have been comfortable with the quiet, you wanted yelling and chaos, to reflect the hurt in your heart that hasn’t diminished even after all this time. You wanted to make him pay for banishing you from his mind and heart, from his life that you used to know so intimately, and you were good at payback, and continued to get better over time. 

“Are you trying to derail this whole fucking training session?” His voice, that you wanted to say hurt your ears, but if you were honest with yourself, it never could, not when it was melodic and beautiful, not when it still haunted your dreams, made Akxo straighten up faster than you could tell him to not bother, and you chuckled, a low and humourless sound that you’ve come to associate with dealing with Neteyam. 

“Don’t tell me you can’t ever handle a bunch of 13 year olds, Neteyam. I knew you couldn’t do anything right without me, but still, this is low, even for you.” 

“Akxo, I don’t think I’m making myself clear. She may be immune from the Olo’eyktan’s judgement, but you, my friend, are not. I’m sure there’s better ways to spend your days than wasting your breath on her. Trust me, she’s not worth it.”

“Ah, Neteyam, there’s no need to be bitter.” Your smirk only deepened as you ran your hands over your new flame’s abdomen. “One day, you too will find someone who won’t recoil at the thought of being in your presence, but you might need to work a little harder to not be so hard to stomach all the time for that to happen. I can coach you if you want, I mean… it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to help you, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.”

I know, I know I just know You're not gone, you can't be gone, no

“These are the last of them.” Neteyam tried not to recoil in agony at the sight of so many dead Na’vi and pa’li, so many ikran, so much loss, more than anyone should ever know, but especially their tribe, that has had to come to terms with grief in a way most other tribes aren’t, in a way that’s unnatural and premature and wrong. It was all so wrong.

Kiri was right, he had to help. He had to help not because it was his duty, but because it was right. He couldn’t keep looking at you, not when every second he did, Kiri’s words rang in his ears and made his eardrums pound so hard it felt like they were about to explode, not when every second he spent thinking of you was making him feel a mix of emotions that he didn’t, couldn’t understand, not when the exhaustion from the last few days made him question himself and ponder if his sister was indeed right all along. So Neteyam left you in that tent and put you under lock and key in the back of his mind, and dealt with the immeasurable loss that once more plagued his clan. 

“Nawm Sa'nok, why?! My son, my son! There is supposed to be a balance! This isn't balance!” The wails of the woman, whom he’s known ever since he was born, that he can still remember playing with him when she brought his son over his family’s tent, hurt beyond comprehension. The usual peaceful, harmonious laughter and chatter intertwined with the sound of leaves rustling in the wind and soft, distant songs of animals and birds were gone, drowned by the cries and screams by the people that were trying to identify the dead, and figure out if life would ever be the same again. 

"Neteyam, ma 'itan. He's gone, he's gone! Oh, Great Mother!"

Neteyam's breath got pushed out of his lungs at the impact of her body crashing into him, that he struggled to keep upright as she was buckling under the weight of her loss. Her son was a good warrior, and a friend. He couldn't come to terms with his death, couldn't understand what was truly going on, his mind almost protecting him from the overwhelming grief by numbing his thoughts, by removing him slightly from the realities clearly displayed to him, that he experienced almost like in a dream.

"It's going to be alright, auntie. We're all going to be alright." His mother's words, a mantra he repeated to himself every second, now the only thing that he could utter, the only thing that didn't feel redundant... even though it was.

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong Won't finish what you started

Well, here you were, ready to eat your words, as the curiosity got the better of you and you found yourself sneaking to Neteyam’s new hiding spot, that he didn’t know you knew about, that you found yourself coming to a bit too often to call it nonchalance and yet, you just couldn’t help yourself. It was an itch you had to scratch, seeing what he was doing, who he was with, finding new ammunition for your petty revenge, it was all for research purposes, you always told yourself.

Whatever you saw here, and there were some wild things, you always kept quiet and left without ever being spotted, maintaining your cover and whatever dignity you knew would disappear if your friends found out you were stooping so low. But somehow, right now, watching as Neteyam was whispering sweet nothings in a stupid little healer’s ears, telling her how good she’s taking his cock and watching her eyes roll back in her head, your blood was boiling.

You didn’t know why it was boiling, it’s not like you haven’t seen him fuck girls before, or try to, it’s not like this was a completely unusual occurrence, but it was new just how into it the girl seemed to be. How desperate for his touch, how needy to feel him. Your fingers twisted around a branch so hard it snapped and you ducked as their heads snapped into the direction of the noise. You were just mad that you lost a subject that you knew got under his skin. That’s it. That must be it, not at all because your mind was conjuring all the ways that you should be in that girl’s shoes, and how he should be making you feel this way. No man’s ever made you feel this way. No man’s ever made you cry, the way she was crying, gripping at his back and shoulders so hard his skin was broken and bleeding. You hated him, that’s all. That’s why your blood was boiling. 

Well, he wouldn’t get the last word, not if you had anything to do with it. You returned to your spot around an hour later, half happy, half annoyed out of your mind that they were still going at it, and she was still screaming and crying, and he was still whispering praises in her ears, although they did have the decency to change position so at least you couldn’t see much anymore. With a wide smirk on your lips, you waited, until the unmistakable sound of footsteps echoed through the endless green forest. 

"Neteyam, are you there?"

Jake sounded angry, and you stifled an evil laugh as you saw them both scramble to untangle themselves from each other and from the floor, the girl's cries no longer of pleasure as she couldn't figure out how to tie her top around her neck anymore.

"Nete-, oh, my fucking God!" English came naturally to Jake, even 20 years later, whenever he was feeling any extreme emotion, and you were happy for the strenuous effort you put into learning it as a child just for this one moment, right here. This was all worth it. "Kole, your mother was looking for you. Can you just- oh, fuck - can you just go and meet her, please?"

"Yes, of course, ma Olo'eyktan."

You were still grinning about the interaction and the ass kicking that followed a couple days later, as you came back to your tent for the night. The smile faded progressively as you neared the entrance, as small whimpers and pleasured groans could be discerned vaguely, coming from behind your tent, a small nook that only you really knew about or frequented, that now was obviously occupied, by a person whose voice you recognised all too well. No way. Sure enough, as you snuck around the tent, a continuation of whatever it was you interupted a couple days ago was well underway, and you bit down a curse, enraged at the way not only did you not, in the end, get the last word, but Neteyam's new hiding spot was just about to ruin whatever remainder of peace and sanity you had left.

When you entered your tent, a small piece of paper with some writing rested on your sleeping mat, yet another human skill Jake insisted on his family to know, that you now regretted.

"This is for ruining my hiding spot. Enjoy hearing all the girls who don't recoil at the thought of being in my presence."

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Can't breathe whenever you're gone Can't go back, I'm haunted

Neteyam watched as his father entered the tent, a heaviness that he rarely lets people be privy to wearing him down and slouching his shoulders. Neteyam couldn’t imagine what his father was going through, couldn’t imagine how someday, he’ll have to bear this burden and do it well, do it honourably and proudly and still keep a head held high and keep it all together so other people can fall apart around him.

Neteyam had mostly love for his dad - deep, unconditional love that will never falter, not even in the face of adversity, or in the face of the deep seeded resentment that Neteyam still had after the years of torturous training, of pressure put on his very young shoulders, of guilt-tripping and being blamed for his brother’s mistakes, of being pushed aside and replaced with you, the perfect daughter who could do no wrong in his father’s eyes. Even despite all of this, Neteyam loved his dad. And yet, watching him come in, sad and worried sick about you, his lips pursed in a straight line, words on his tongue that Neteyam knew were coming and was terrified of… the love faltered just a little. 

“Mo’at said she got poisoned falling off her ikran.” 

“Yes. Oare’s dead.”

“I saw her in the line-up.” His father turned his sights from you to his oldest son, sighing as his eyes set on him, anger flashing in his eyes briefly before composing himself.

“What the hell happened out there, Neteyam? We were counting on you. On both of you.” 

Neteyam had no answer to that. He’s tried so hard to bury the thoughts, because he knew that if he succumbed to them, the guilt would eat him alive and pick its teeth with what remained of his frail bones. He didn’t think of how this was his fault, your fault, how if these stupid fights, that now seemed meaningless and daft, didn’t occupy so much space and time in both your minds, you would have slept, you would have not been tired and distracted, Oare wouldn’t have felt the nerves and fears emanating from you, and you would’ve done what you do best, inspire some people, kill others, be next to Jake, like you always were, like Neteyam was normally next to his mother, and get it done. The two of you were indispensable to the clan, as much was clear now. And although it wasn't fair, how much pressure there was on both your shoulders, it was the way things were. And now both of you will have to live with the consequences of your actions, will have to find a way to look the people in the eye again, knowing that you directly caused their family’s demise and the clan’s sorrow.

“Do you understand how serious this is, Neteyam? We lost good people today. Good people, strong people, dependable people. And the two people who I counted on the most left us all for dead, to fend for ourselves. This isn’t what I taught you. This isn’t who I raised, Neteyam. Even Lo’ak pulled his weight. We’re going to be reeling from these losses for the rest of our lives, and this has set us back months, and I need you to understand the weight of your actions.” 

Another sigh and a frown that aged the Olo’eyktan by a good 10 years was the last sign of disapproval before his attempt to leave Neteyam by himself, but for the first time in his life, Neteyam couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t know whether it was his words, or the continuous battle with you that he’s had to fight for the last 7 years, all years in which he’s felt heartbroken, and resentful, and inadequate, and pushed to the side, and ignored, and worked to the bone for very little appreciation, or the fatigue wearing him down, or the loss of your ikran, or the guilt that’s been gnawing at him long before his father’s contribution, but for the first time in his life, Neteyam’s anger was directed at someone else rather than you. 

“Understand the weight of my actions? Do you hear yourself right now? This whole mess, this whole shitshow that I’ve gone through, that we’ve both gone through, it’s all your fault. All of it.  This is going to weigh on me just as much as it will weigh on you, and the loss of these people, of Eywa’s children, will haunt me for the rest of my life. Of our lives. So don’t sit there and talk to me about responsibility, and about losing people.” He couldn’t help look at your unconscious form, that more and more felt like your own body was trying to protect you from the sadness that would wait for you when you woke. “I lost the person I loved the most, that was my shelter from the storm, a storm you caused. All you do is push me, and push us, and I’m so fucking tired of it.” a sob is all it took for his father to rush to his side, concern and confusion deeply rooted on his face as it met Neteyam’s, when his hands found his face and rose it to his level. 

“What are you talking about, son?” 

Neteyam’s chest was heaving with unshed tears as he looked in his father’s eyes through the fractured, refracted lens of the liquid threatening to spill. 

“I heard you.” One tear. “That night, the night after the Iknimaya.” Two tears. “I heard you telling grandmother how you want her to be Olo’eykte in my stead. How she deserves it.” Six tears. “I heard you… as you told her Vi would never have me. That she said she would never want to be my mate.” Too many tears to count. 

“Oh, Neteyam…” 

“I worked so hard, my whole life. I sacrificed more than anybody I know. And I did it all to please you, to live up to you. I did so you’d be proud of me, so you’d love me, and accept me. I did it all so I’d a good leader, a worthy Olo’eyktan, someone the clan can rely on to protect them.

I spent my whole childhood crying and aching, hating my life, wishing I could be anyone else instead, but I thought it would all be worth it one day because you told me as much, and that I have a title to live up to. And then I met Vi, and she changed everything… and I loved her, dad. And in one night you managed to take everything away from me.

Do you have any idea what that did to me? What the next seven years, in which we hated each other and competed for your love and praise, for your attention and affection, did to me? I’m there for everybody all the time. Every day and night, I am here for you, and for mum. I am here for Kiri and Lo’ak and Tuk. I am here for the clan. I am the mighty soldier, the doting brother, the dutiful son, the concerned clan member, the understanding karyu, the unbroken arrow in the quiver of your army.

Do you know there’s not a single day that I don’t hurt, that it doesn’t kill me inside, little by little, without a single soul to talk to, that cares or bothers to listen to my struggles?”

Sometime during that monologue, that Neteyam’s kept in his soul his whole life, he found himself in his father’s embrace, who was quiet and listened, who said nothing and just waited. Neteyam was sobbing in his father’s shoulder now, and he couldn’t find it in him to stop, like a spring that was buried underground with none the wiser until poked in just the right way, with unending streams now able to either fill a dam or flood a village. 

“Neteyam… fuck. I’m so sorry, son. I didn’t know. Any of it, I didn’t know. Neteyam… you never said anything. You never brought up that night, and I wish you did, son… I wish you did because if you had, then you would know that those words that you heard… those words weren’t mine, Neteyam.” 

There are very few moments where Neteyam feels like his soul has somehow exited his body and he’s experiencing a moment almost like from outside himself, like a stranger looking in. That’s how he felt now, as he could see himself removing his head from his father’s embrace, a dazed and almost uncharacteristic expression trying him. 

“What did you say?” 

“That night, if I remember correctly… we were talking about how well you did, both of you, in the Iknimaya. We were laughing at the fact you were both late, how I’d have to pretend to be mad and punish you, when in reality I not only expected it, but almost desired it, that you took that day to enjoy yourselves, to feel free of some of the burden I know I’ve placed on you.

I was reminded, seeing her, of her dad. Her dad who asked me to take care of her before he passed. Of the words he told me. That even back then, as nothing more than a child, he knew that she was special. That under other circumstances, she would have, no doubt in his mind, become the next Olo’eykte. That she was born for it, made for it. Those words always echoed in my ears as I watched her grow, and seen for myself the talent that comes so rarely, it seems almost like a fable. That I only ever saw in you. I considered it, making you both leaders at the same time - unheard of, maybe, but you both deserve it, you’re both made for it, and you used to complete each other, like two pieces of a perfectly fitted puzzle. That’s it, son. I would never want to replace you, Neteyam. I would never even think of it. Not only because you are my son, but because you are the greatest person I've ever met. Because there's no one else, there can be no one else.” 

Neteyam saw his face drop, his entire body shuddering under the weight of the new information, that changed everything, that he could have known all these years and yet didn’t, that shifted Neteyam’s whole world on its axis yet again and he almost wanted to reach out and console himself, the man that looked as young and scared as a pup lost in the woods, like he used to look all the time before he met you, like he swore to himself he’d never look like again after he lost you. His dad didn’t want to replace him. He never wanted to replace him. What was he supposed to do now, with this momentous information that he never thought he’d get to hear?

“I’m so sorry, son, that you’ve had to bear this weight all by yourself. I’m sorry for my contribution in it, and that I failed to see how I made it all so much harder to stomach. Your mother and I love you so, so much, Neteyam, and we want to be there for you, but, son… you don’t talk to us. You keep everything buried inside. We can’t help what we don’t know. We try our best, and we’re so sorry we failed you… that I failed you. And about Vi… Neteyam, you have to speak with her. You’ve carried this in you for far too long. You need to let it out. Let her explain. Let her give you an answer, or closure.” 

“What if she doesn’t wake up?” 

Neteyam didn’t know if his dad was saying this more to his son or to himself, but right now, it didn’t matter. 

“She will, son. She’ll wake up.”

The only other time Neteyam's left you since the accident was after the talk, the overwhelming urge to wash his face at the nearby river finally too great to be ignored. The water helped a little. It grounded him and nourished him, as much as it could, and Neteyam was slightly taken aback at the way his soul felt just slightly lighter, how his father's words, and the conversation he should have had years ago and didn't, changed so much in his mind. His father was right. Kiri was right. It was time to talk. Years and years of torture and pain, and it was finally time to talk. He just hoped you'd actually be there to listen.

Neteyam was startled by a frenzied Lo'ak, rushing to his side, panting as he put a hand on his chest, trying to catch his breath as he spoke.

"Have you seen her? Have you seen syä?"

"What do you mean, Lo'ak?"

"She's gone, bro. She's not in grandmother's tent anymore."

You and I walk a fragile line I have known it all this time Never ever thought I'd see it break Never thought I'd see it

taglist: @fanboyluvr @theycallmesia @afro-hispwriter @soleilmoon @crazy4books1 @bakugouswaif@randxmthxughts @xreadersstuff @sirezaya @kimberlyshailany-blog @gyuventure @jujudsmyst @kikookii @nxptury @nonniesworld @koing-slvt @bakugouswaif @isnt-itstrange @tpwkforevermore @alahamums @tallulah477 @gknj9495@aquamarine001 @itssomeonereading @yumimak@sweetbread-m@eqgroil @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @juneonhoth @yagirlheree @jackiehollanderr @legendarynoodlebowl @iameatingmyhair @justasimps-blog@hannabanana-09 @xylianasblog @misscaller06 @yeosxxx @myh3artttt @teyamsbitch@musicownsme @i-live-in-a-fantasy-daydream @zoetrope1997 @itsmy-alteregohere @ntymavtr @curlszx88 @maki-z @riatesullironalite @baahsaama @luna-salem @teyamtesuli @koing-slvt @call-me-doll-face @puresirius-things @saturniac (sorry if i missed anyone this list is getting so longgg)

[loveephia]

hii ! I really luv ur writing style and omg it's so cute and sweet and HSKWJWJJAHSUVDSJ !!! ⁽⁽ଘ( ˊᵕˋ )ଓ⁾⁾ could I request karasuno x shy reader ? sorry if it sounds like a weird request ! ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡

:¨ ·.· ¨: ハイキュー!! karasuno meeting the shy reader . . .

`· . ꔫ . . . (hinata, kageyama, tsukishima, sugawara.)

a/n: I AM SO SORRY AS TO HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO ANSWER THIS. i got the biggest writer's block, and i lost a bit of my interest in haikyū!!. slowly, but surely, it's coming back, though. THANK YOU ANON FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND ENJOY READING!!! :D

⚠ warning/s: none.

SHŌYŌ HINATA

- i firmly believe that opposites attract

- so just know that hinata would be over the moon for you :D!!

- his outgoing personality together with your shy one, PLSSS you two would make such a cute couple

- upon first meeting, hinata was asked (by kiyoko) to try and find students who still weren't in a club, so hinata approached you first

- but when he asked you questions on if you wanted to join the volleyball club as their manager, you kept glancing off to the side, twiddling with your fingers, and sighing like you were uncomfortable

- that was hinata's little cue that maybe you weren't interested :<

- "i apologize.. i- i was already planning to join a different club." you manage to speak out with what little sanity you have left

- hinata's huge signature smile makes a way unto his own face, and you can't help but stare. "it's okay! what club were you planning to join?"

- and the conversation stems from there

- somehow, hinata just has this charm to get anyone to talk, you included ^^

TOBIO KAGEYAMA

- honestly, i can just imagine you and him staring at each other at the vending machine right outside karasuno.

- "did he just take the last box of milk?"

- "she's staring, so i'll stare too."

- then, after looking at his face for a while, you realize that hE'S ACTUALLY A TAD BIT HANDSOME.

- pls you're already weak around normal people, and he just so happens to be some kinda ikemen 😞

- a small peachy blush forms on your cheeks, and you decide that you can just get a new milk box at a different vending machine

- you shuffle away as quickly as possible, but you're interrupted with a: "hey."

- you turn around and see him walking toward you

- "no, no, no, no! is he mad? did i stare at him for too long???"

- "here." kageyama gives you some change, "i notice that you come here every day to get the same drink, but it looks like i took the last one."

- as you watch him walk away, you stare at the change now in your hands

- he was.. nice.

KEI TSUKISHIMA

- get out ☹️

- if i ever got sucked into the hq world, i'm avoiding tsukishima like the plague.

- you two are friends (somehow??) and normally, he'd watch you try to start a conversation with other schoolmates every day

- after your failed attempt at making new friends, tsukishima kinda teases you and.. comforts you??

- "maybe it'll turn out better next time if you actually maintained eye contact." he pats your head

- nvm it was a whole roast.

- you sigh at his words, looking disappointed, and he happens to notice

- "i'll buy you some shortcake if it makes you stop looking so gloomy." and gracefully at that, you nod, ecstatic :D!!

- to your schoolmates, you're the shy girl at the back of the class

- to tsukishima, you're everything and more

KOUSHI SUGAWARA

- you bumped into him while trying to run to the teacher's faculty to submit some papers

- and as you're on the floor, in a daze about what just happened, a sweet voice pulls you outta your thoughts

- you look up and see a boy lending you his own hand. "are you okay?" he asks

- "he's so handsome..!" you thought, taking his hand and getting pulled up

- "y- yes, i'm okay." you say, kneeling down to pick up the papers you dropped as the boy does the same. you can't help but glance at his face a few times

- "what's your name?"

- "y/n l/n. and yours..?"

- "you can call me sugawara." he hands you the papers he picked up with a smile, and you bow to thank him

- as you walk to the faculty room, back on the initial route, you can't help but think about your interaction with sugawara

© lowercase intended | loveephia

[overandundertarot]

How can you release this anger?

Recently, I've come to the realisation that I hold quite a lot of pent up anger without even knowing how to release it. I think this reading could be helpful to people who may be in a similar position, or just experiencing pent up emotions and are unsure how they could release this or start that process of transforming those emotions, if they want to.

Piles 1-4(left to right)

Pile 1

Cards; 6 of wands, Knight of swords.

Believe in yourself pile one! There is self doubt here, and pride brought about by trying to conceal insecurity. Act on your thoughts. A lot of this anger is towards yourself. I feel like you are perfectionists, and you dont like when you are not perfect according to your standards. Well, there's nothing you can do about that. You either have to develop yourself till you feel you're perfect enough( which will take quite a while and you may never reach your lofty aspirations for yourself) or take action now on whatever it is you want to do. I'm getting that it's not even related to the material world, but your personality or creative interests. You may feel like you are not the person that you should be, but instead of practicing any self development activities, you just spend alot of time having self deprecating thoughts. You may not be where you want to be, but that does not mean that you can never get there. Appreciate yourself for what you have and what you can do and allow yourself to indulge in your hobbies/ interests with less judgement.

Pile 2

Cards; The Sun, 2 of Swords, Page of Pentacles.

In any case pile 2, youre not supposed to be making a decison right now. Good things and opportunities are coming to you now but its overwhelming. I think that is where this anger is coming from, because you can't allow yourself to fully enjoy the present moment and be connected to your spirituality. So you are angered because you have a lot but it is still not enough. You have to force yourself to enjoy what you have right now pile 2, because all of the planning and deciding and moving forward is being used as a distraction. Of course, take this with a grain of salt and don't put your life on hold to try and attempt this. Start small, think about things in your daily life and what use they provide for you, do you appreciate them enough? Be in the present moment and appreciate what you have worked for. Some of you are also angered by the fact that you might not be able to find a direction in life. It will come in time; try to be connected with your desires and intentions so when the opportunity arises, you can make a decision that will trully make you happy.

Pile 3

Cards; The Emperor reversed, King of cups.

Your anger may stem from the fact that you may have never fit into society, particularly that you may have been too sensitive for other peoples tastes. Some of you may be a part of the lgbtq community as well. The way you express yourself garnered much criticism and you may care about issues that society doesn't like to face such as animal rights, environmentalism and child abuse. Emotional issues, childhood trauma. A lot of the people in this pile have heavily feminine energy, regardless of their gender. The way for pile 3 to release their anger would be to develop ways of managing their emotions. Unfortunately, the world is unlikely to change but we can find ways to regulate our emotions and work through our traumas so that we can be less affected by the harshness of society. Also, try to channel your anger and pain into creative pursuits such as writing, and even consuming more media concerning these issues that affect you. It may help you feel seen and understood.

Pile 4

Cards; The Tower reversed, Justice.

Pile 4 you have been resisting change for a while. By not allowing it to crumble, you have become a prisoner of the tower. Your anger is brought about by you not allowing yourself to feel your emotions fully. You're not letting go of something that happened in the past, or you're trying to keep a steady hold on your life right now, but it's failing. You can't control everything. To release this anger, accept what happened and move on. Take responsibility for your actions, what happened was a result of past actions and you can't change those. You either accept what happened, move on and try to create a better future for yourself, or stay in that tower and torment yourself forever. That sounded a bit dramatic but the messages coming through are quite firm, whatever happened you have to accept it and move on.

***

Thank you for participating in this Pick a Card reading!

I hope it gave you some insight for your situation. Please dont hesistate to give any feedback you may have regarding this reading!

[fannyyann]

Hey, hope you're doing okay. I hope you don't mind me asking, but I am rather new to the mattdrai fandom and I couldn't help but wonder:

Was Matthew really as bad as a lot of fic lead to believe in his earlier hockey years in Calgary? And was he really disliked in the room - where there rumours like that? So many fics build on this premise, and seeing him now in Florida and hearing all the nice things his teammates say about him and seeing the things he does himself and the insane good hockey he plays... it's hard to believe.

It's so strange also that it's so rarely mentioned that Leon was the one to be sent down to the minors, not Matthew.

Plus what I don't get: matthew is a lot hotter than Leon? why is it always told like Leon is the hottest dude on earth while Matthew is nothing? comparing early pics and pics from now... it's just not true? Leon looks good, a bit bland IMO, but Matthew is and was just hot in a very unique and special way. maybe because he isn't that bland generic good looking Leon is? But good looking in a special way? so that got a lot longer than I thought it would, hope you don't mind the ask.

i don't mind you asking at all! this is basically my roman empire so MY apologies if this gets unwieldy but i have FEELINGS about matthew's early fic portrayal lmao

in his six years on the flames, matthew was always one of the top five scorers.

his rookie year, he was sixth in rookie scoring

the season he was picked for his first ASG, the flames were 16th in the league at the time all star rosters were announced and matthew was their top scorer.

so it's not like he was the best player from a bottom of the league team or going because he was the home town boy, he was a playoff team's best player (both at the asg break and when the season was eventually suspended because of covid).

and even in his career worst year (2020-2022), he ended the year as their third best scorer and only six points behind johnny (the leader). and as one of calgary's beat reporters said in his end of the year review, Matthew was "good, but not quite as good as the Flames needed him to be."

so i've never really understood why people were portraying him like that either and still haven't figure out if most of it was unreliable narrator kind of stuff or if some authors actually thought he was bad before he had his breakout season, but it doesn't reflect reality.

as for him being disliked in calgary, that all stems from jake muzzin flipping the puck at him, and the subsequent players only meeting that took place after it, in which matthew allegedly told the team he was upset they didn't join him in the scrum after and he was then told him it can't be a riot every night.

before that there were never any rumors that i'm aware of that he was unliked in the room, and in 2019 gio, who most people tend to think is the one who told matthew to tone it down, said this about another players only meeting:

so while the 2021 players only meeting was a story because matthew wasn't playing like his usual self afterward, i've never thought it was indicative of him not being liked by his teammates. and honestly, you have to take it all with a grain of salt anyway because while guys obviously bullshit the media, at the practice after the players only meeting guys talked about how there was a general lack of emotion, and how they came out there trying to have fun with each other and put it behind them, and in the postgame the next night, gio specifically sites getting into scrums and mixing it up when asked how much more emotion they played with in that win compared to earlier losses, so if mixing it up was good the very next night, the math doesn't quite add up, yk?

but johnny did confirm in his spittin chiclets appearance about two weeks after the muzzin incident that matthew was pissed after they left him out to dry that night, and when asked about matthew's struggles that season darryl sutter said matthew needed to, and would, get back to playing to his identity, so the whole cause and effect of the muzzin incident on matthew's play that season isn't completely unfounded, but i do think multiple guys saying the team needed to play with more emotion, johnny saying in the chiclets episode that the guys skating off didn't find out about the puck flip until they saw it on sportsnet and saying he felt bad about it, and the new coach coming in and getting matthew to play back to his style shows that it wasn't as personal as it was made out to be.

anyway, the flames may not have be as tight knit as the panthers are, but matthew had his people there. he's bffs with hanifin and his friendship with sam bennett is part of what drew him to florida. johnny always says great things about him, blake coleman called him the heartbeat of the team, and was such an important voice in the room that the flames suffered when he and gudbranson were no longer around to tell sutter to chill the fuck out when he was being too hard on guys in the room.

he probably wasn't close with every teammate, most people aren't friends with all their coworkers, but he wasn't some sort of loner in that locker room.

as for the looks, that's all down to personal preference. leon is definitely very conventionally attractive and while matthew has definitely glowed up in the last few seasons, he was by no means ugly. i wouldn't even say he's really unconventionally attractive either. he's got a good face and was a cute teen and people who are like "oh no i find matthew tkachuk attractive now" have literally never made sense to me. but again! personal preference and all that.

again, my apologies if you weren't looking for THIS MUCH of an answer to your question but this isn't even all the sources i pulled up when i first got this ask so i did TRY to keep it short lol

[highladyjane]

While we're waiting for the announcement, what's your guess for the title of the next acotar book?

Lol, you sneaky nonnie! I've seen this Ask all over my dash today yestereve (I fell asleep writing my response to this)😆 Thank you for letting me join in on the fun!

I've actually had a theory about this hiding somewhere in my drafts for a couple of months now, but I've been too lazy to dig into it because 1. Structured writing, and therefore theories, is not my forte 2. I'm a perfectionist but my mind's messy - so it's all a bit messy, 3. so I might sound like a loony... 4. and I'm too insecure about my thoughts at times to even post about what goes through it 😅

But since you Ask'd... Here's a "shorter" version of that draft, at least:

My theory is that Elain's book will have something to do with ✨️Vines✨️.

Like... A Court of ✨️🌿Golden Vines🌿✨️(which I'm leaning the most towards), ACO Twining Vines, ACO Tangled Vines, ACO Blooming Vines, ACO Shadows and Vines... etc. I'm still trying to figure out where to lay my theory 😅🤣

It may sound very Elucien or even Tamlain, but ✨️Vines✨️ are described as "a plant whose stem requires support and which climbs by tendrils or twining or creeps along the ground" which, if you read or search through the books, also hints and applies to the movement of Azriel's shadows in many instances... @wingedblooms absolutely brilliant post that I quite recently came upon, especially supports the 'Twining'... So I think it's the perfect title to confuse people about her endgame 😜

Anyways, to back up my guess/theory...

Elain's scent is of Jasmine (and Honey), which seems to be the bloom of the Night Court 👀, grows as climbing shrubs or ✨️vines✨️. But I'm feeling specifically strongly for the ✨Vines✨ because

Aaaaand because:

1. Ivy is a ✨vine✨ and Sarah has mentioned it in relation to Elain's book in an interview presented at the back of ACOFAS.

2. Nesta's drawer had flames🔥. Elain had...

🌿✨Twining Vines of flowers✨🌿

We often see the beautiful petals (Elain's softness & beauty), but we don't think about the strength, resilience, and foundation of the vines underneath and........ 👇

3. ✨️Vines✨️ symbolise:

Strength & hope & resilience = Elain's quiet strength.

Determination = Elain has shown determination to help in ways she can, but is yet to be given the chance to...

She also has shown a determined disregard and opposition to having a mate...

Connection = Goes well along with my guess on "Golden" or "Twining" Vines which are often used as adjectives in relation to bonds, threads, and even spells.

Also, Elain is an Archeron sister, Cauldron-blessed, and a Seer - connected to basically every plot and possible subplots in the books (The Cauldron ➡️ Ramiel in Illyria ➡️ Made Objects & People ➡️ The Middle & The Prison/Dusk Court ➡️ The Dread Trove ➡️ Koschei ➡️Vassa ➡️The Human Queens etc.🔁); not just for who she is and her Cauldron-given gifts and abilities, but also possibly through her LIs and family. She's the one sister left unexplored and it all leads back to her. She's basically at the beginning (She's the first sister mentioned by Feyre at the beginning of ACOTAR) and in the end (She's the last sister mentioned by Nesta at the end of ACOSF) of everything. So I don't know if that supports her book being next or last...

Life = the meaning of which also applies to her scent of Honey and "Golden" -the colour of (sun)light, honey, her eyes, her hair.

3. ✨️Vines✨️ are also mentioned/connected to the earthen powers described in CC3 that Sathia & Tristan Flynn + Bryce have, which I believe many has already theorised Elain to also have... I quite like those theories (can't remember exactly where I read them as of rn) and would like to believe that it's something the Cauldron has blessed her with since she's associated with gardening and life...

I also read somewhere in a biblical text (which I wasn't too keen to delve into tbh, so don't trust my word for it, but it's Googlable) where ✨️Golden Vine✨️was associated with Life, Rebirth, and Free Will... But if Elain turns out to be the next Messiah/Saviour/Prophet of Prythian, then it's quite perfect 🤷🏻‍♀️

So... that's sort of my take so far 🫣 Hope it makes sense to you, nonnie 😅

What's yours?

[allbuthuman]

BSD and loneliness

Loneliness and what it does to a person, as well as how far the attempts to counteract it can go, what they can and can't do, is an overarching theme in Asagiri's writing, and many of the stories portrayed can basically boil down to "this person is suffering because they are really, really lonely", which I love. Here I want to focus more on loneliness of the "existential" type, the one that's almost intrinsic to someone and stems from who they are rather than whom they do or don't have around them, because, in my mind, it makes for great tragic stories.

Dazai

He is the most obvious example, and probably one of the loneliest characters I've ever come across. Able to comprehend everything, yet unable and from a point onward unwilling to be comprehended, no one can understand his mind, and even those "like him" who might, like Fyodor, won't understand his emotions. First of all, of course, he controls them too well. Secondly, although I do think there are moments he shows a need for connection, he does that from the safety of his usual persona (for example, hiding behind his usual teasing), so that, in the mind of others, there is no clear distinction between the two. Thirdly, the awareness he has of his own emotions is probably very low, since he's learned that the only way to survive and make sense of himself and the world is to rationalise. There are meagre chances for Dazai the human being with emotions to be less lonely, until he chooses to let himself be seen and be vulnerable, and, at this point, it would probably be extremely hard for him to actually practice that, even if he did make the decision.

Dazai does understand that it's better for people to be with one another rather than alone. It's clear even in Stormbringer, when his mental health is arguably at its lowest. It's clear in Dark Era, when he says that if everyone around him died, it would be a form of suicide (I'm using these examples even though there are clearer ones because these are probably the times he was doing the worst). But he doesn't believe that he can have true companionship, and is also being taught to believe that attachment is a weakness, that loneliness is where he belongs.

And then there's Oda, who, while admittedly unable to understand his mind, comprehended exactly this loneliness of his. He and Ango both did, and, as per the light novel, they could not manage to interfere, but were by him as he experienced it. And yet he barely knew that was the case, until Oda made it clear, and then the one person who he now knew could see him died.

But what people rarely comment on is how much capacity to care for someone Dazai had. There was one person, the first person who saw beyond the unpredictable Demon Prodigy, the first person who acknowledged his loneliness - didn't even manage to break through it, just acknowledged it and treated him with care, and that was enough for Dazai to care about him as much as he did, and that is heartbreaking in itself.

Lastly, but perhaps the most telling point of all is Asagiri himself admitting that he never knows what Dazai is thinking. I don't want to get too into meta, but being the creation of someone, and still not being understood by your own creator is possibly the loneliest position I can think of.

Verlaine

My second favourite example, because here we have someone who was loved, and he knew that he was loved, but it wasn't enough to change things.

Verlaine's loneliness is objective, in the sense that he really is fundamentally different than those around him, he really is not biologically human. That loneliness of his, combined with the hatred that it fostered, was what led him to seek Chuuya - he thought that the only person who could understand him was one who shared that nature, and incorrectly believed that Chuuya would think so as well. He needed Chuuya, and thought that Chuuya would need him in he same way. He was, however, wrong, because Chuuya, being uncertain of his humanity instead of certain of his inhumanity, put great effort into being among other people instead of discarding them.

Rimbaud knew Verlaine's nature since the beginning. He accepted it, he cared for him and loved him regardless. He knew that it made him suffer and was there for him, and he did try to empathise with him, while knowing that it was impossible, because the gap was not one that could be mended. In Verlaine's case, no love could be enough to change his nature, a nature that made him look at the world with hate, including the person who loved him. To a person who feels like they should never have been born, even the sincerest "I'm glad you were born" would only cause pain, until it was too late.

Of course, that's not to say that he actually hated Rimbaud - it's very apparent from the ending of Stormbringer that he cared about him, and that he did appreciate all the efforts he made for him. I don't know if you want to call it love, but it's the closest thing he had the capacity for. But, at the end of the day, nothing that Rimbaud would do could change the fact that Verlaine perceived the gap between himself and the world as unbridgeable. Yet still, he was affected. Nothing could really change, but Rimbaud reached him somehow, although the ending couldn't have been different.

Shibusawa

Here we have an example of someone who shared a similar kind of loneliness, but never had anything to counteract it. He's portrayed as comparable to Dazai and Fyodor: smarter than everyone around him, detached and bored. But, in contrary to Dazai, he isn't shown having any meaningful relationship that could challenge that. This difference is recognised by Dazai, who tells him to his face that he wouldn't think like that if he had any friends. This is a "playful" way to put it, but in reality Dazai simultaneously empathises with his point of view and discards it, because he now knows better than to view people the way Shibusawa does.

I haven't read the light novel, I'm just basing this on the movie, so I can't say much more, but I think his character works as a good point of contrast between people who still try to find "meaning" and those like him, who have decided it's not worth it.

Curious to see where Fyodor, the other so-called superhuman, will fall in regards to this loneliness, but I think we don't know enough about him and how he actually feels in order not to grasp in the dark.

(part 2 about the less existential type of loneliness if i gather enough coherent thoughts)

[polyamorouscultureis]

Hi I’m new to being polyamorous and I am struggling immensely

First I want to say I don’t know anyone in my life who is polyamorous (other than my partner and I) so forgive me if this is unorthodox but I need some void in which I can scream.

My partner and I have miscommunicated to hell and back and while they believed our relationship to be open to begin flirting with other people, I thought we were still speaking hypothetically.

Now they started flirting with someone else and took it to a sexual nature immediately. I guess that’s what flirting means to them, that wasn’t clear to me. They didn’t tell me till a week later they were talking to this person, and wanted to try pursuing a romantic relationship with them but wanted my permission.

Now this relationship is exclusively online for them, and they stated that for most of the correspondence it was through anon messages on this persons blog. My partner says that the relationship not as real to them until it got to DMs. Once they moved onto DMs they cooled on the sexual nature of their messages. But they still kept tagging each other in NSFW posts.

I’m going through a whirlwind of emotions, not feeling ready for this step but I don’t want to take this opportunity away from my partner? I truly want us to have a healthy, polyamorous relationship. It does not pain me they have someone they’re interested in, I am pained that I didn’t know.

I am also struggling with jealousy over some of the sexual things they spoke about, thinking some of those things were special to us. Worried that maybe they’d prefer this person, their body, etc.

Although I do want these same opportunities for myself in the future, I am just struggling with these things because it’s my first time experiencing them.

I’m aware how absolutely undesirable this situation sounds all written out. No one talks about what it was like realizing they’re polyamorous but also transitioning to having polyamorous relationships from monogamous ones.

This weighs on my heart and so I lament to you as that’s all I feel I can do and wonder if anyone can tell me “dude I have fucking been there”

Oof, this is a really rough situation to be in. Feelings can get so damn complicated during big changes like that, especially if it started off with some pretty serious miscommunication.

It's definitely a great sign that you're recognizing all of your emotions and where they stem from, and I hope you've been keeping your partner in the loop about it all! I've always recommended having a conversation with them about things you would like to remain special to just the two of you, like a specific pet name or date location. Sometimes meeting the metamour (the person your partner is dating) can help ease feelings of uncertainty or jealousy, but don't force yourself to if you're not ready to. Couples therapy with a poly-informed therapist can't hurt either.

I'm certain there are people who have been through it like you have, and I hope my followers will share their similar stories! My heart goes out to you, anon, as you navigate this new change <3

[kinardscoffee]

Can't sleep, and my mind is swirling with thoughts.

Major one is that the relationships that Buck and Eddie were in at the end of last season are clearly doomed to fail.

Every relationship for both of them, connected to an emergency call, has done so thus far.

Under the cut because she's long.

For Buck:

We have Abby.

They first "met" via a 911 call over the phone. The home invasion incident where Buck used the fire truck to pinpoint the location of the home. He had the siren on which perhaps was a foreshadowing that their relationship would ultimately have alarm bells going off in everyone's head (just maybe not Buck's until it was too late).

They meet face to face for the first time when Abby's mom goes missing. They also save a little girl from electrocution. Possibly indicating that something will always be missing in their relationship and also that they do have a spark between them, although it is most likely more one-sided.

And then, of course, we have the train derailment. Buck and Abby are reunited but not in the way Buck would have hoped. He is derailed from the knowledge that Abby has a fiance and it is evident that their relationship was ultimately a train wreck.

There's Ali.

Met during the earthquake. Their relationship seemed more casual and easy-going. Though, while they were dating, Buck moved into his own apartment. Earthquake... moving... moved into a new building... it's a reach, but still.

Then there was the bomb on the firetruck, and Buck was pinned beneath the truck, crushing his ankle/lower leg. Ultimately, their relationship crumbled due to the dangers and uncertainties of Buck's job.

And Taylor.

They met when Taylor's helicopter lost control. Which is perfect for them because everything about their relationship was a bit out of control. That relationship was nothing but lies and broken promises, two things that can only lead to crashing and burning.

I'm adding Lucy...

Just because they met on the bomb in the truck rescue. And them kissing helped blow up Buck and Taylor's relationship.

Natalia....

They met when a car crashed into a funeral. Like, need I say more?? Okay, I will.

This relationship will end quickly, and most likely, they won't even see it coming. So, I'm guessing that Natalia gets a job opportunity far away or she just can't deal with decisions that Buck makes...

Things could also end really bad for Natalia. Maybe a health scare or even death itself. Either way, I don't see her being around.

For Eddie:

Shannon.

We don't know how they met. So it's harder to include her, but she's important.

Shannon is still connected with a call, a car crash, and unfortunately, she doesn't make it. Which is oddly similar to Buck and Natalia. The only difference is that Buck and Natalia meet through the car crash and bond over death, and Eddie and Shannon end with a car crash after bonding over their past and the life they've lived.

Ana.

Now, I know what you're thinking... "But Eddie met Ana at Christopher's school" and you're right.

BUT...

They didn't get together until AFTER the emergency calls with the imposter fireman, which Ana did need assistance for a burn.

In this relationship, Ana got "burned" pretty bad in the break-up. And, just like that guy impersonating a firefighter, Ana, Eddie, and Chris were all impersonating a family unit.

But, I also believe this metaphor leans more so towards Eddie himself. He's constantly impersonating who others want him to be. This stems from his childhood and the way his father placed so much on his shoulders.

This is why I believe that Eddie struggles with his sexuality and why we'll know about him before anyone else.

Marisol.

Granted, not really a girlfriend, I suppose, but with the way the S6 ended with them, she has to be included.

Eddie met Marisol during a call at her home, where she has been busy with DIY projects.

Her brother gets trapped/buried alive/almost suffocated in her attic.

Isn't it telling that Eddie decided to ask Marisol out? He DIY'd it. He did it himself. But, ultimately, he will feel trapped in this relationship. Like Marisol is suffocating him with the relationship.

Obviously, I could be completely off-base here. Perhaps I'm inhaling fumes from all this clown paint... but, idk, what do you think?

[echosoftheflower]

My unedited thoughts while reading the new chapter of IBVS, sorry if it's illegible.

SPOILERS FOR S2 CHAPTER 11

Has he just been summoning these things with out a book? Is he going off memory? It's would be so funny if this moron was a witchcraft prodigy

Who just randomly talks about this in school?

I feel bad for Isaac being worried about Drew telling his secrets but he's honestly being kinda unreasonable with this ignoring Drew.

Bro are they the only two at the table 💀 just move to the opposite side of another outcast table why take up the whole thing.

CHRIS FUVKING WOULD WITH HIS FOLLOWER MENTALITY

But Chris really isn't new? He came there in the fall. Does this school not have freshmen? (Recurring question)

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING! WHY IS THE ART ROOM STILL SCREWED 

It's nice to know Isaac was in a club but I do wish he talked with the other art students. Also, there are other art students!

Poor Isaac with his trauma from Chris ditching him.

God damn it Chris! Ok I need to talk about this.

Very quick summary of an analysis I'm planning on making of this man but he has like, chronic follower mentality. He will just listen to anyone who seems to have power. He joined Ed when asked because he's the king, he drifted towards Nevin because of his confidence, and now he's with Felix who has something to offer him. This stems as far back as Dylan's group, who were the trouble makers, and Freddie who was the popular kid. The only person who he was ever friends with who doesn't fall into one of these categories is Isaac, and we all see how he treats him. 

He didn't think twice? Aren't you friends with him?! Didn't you trust him at the start?! HES LITERAL DONE NOTHING TO YOU EVER?! YOUR LIKE THE ONLY ONE HES NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH!

didn't Isaac also tell him Felix almost killed him and the school almost sent him to the hospital after the fear demon fight? Is this Chris, once again ignoring everything Isaac says? This is like the "id rather skip class than believe the king would beat you up" all over again.

Man I can't believe Felix can remember all those food namesvand things.

The demon book is written by the Wolfe family? Volume 1?

Why does Barry just keep randomly appearing like this? And in full camo? Him and Ed really are similar. For whatever reason I get a bad feeling about him.

How does Drew keep turning into everyone's therapist, as much as I like Autumn and Issac I wish we could see them interact with Drew and actually look like they enjoy their time together.

Barry you are so strange

YEAS MY GENETIC THEORY

ROSE RIPPLE THEORY

It kinda bothers me he only ends up with Ed after he has no one else. But isward crumbs all the same

Aw he's so bored

Again?! These woods have seen things.

Aw he actually wants to hang out with him

"Learn to ask" Ok Edward "drags you into a closet" Quinton 

YES bringing up the two power thing! 

He's other power is definitely part of Sigma

Isaac backstory! Kinda sounds horrific.

YES EVEN THE ADRENALINE PART

it's the tree! :D

And that log would be Chris!

He shut down his huntch 😭

Still Purple huh? Gotta mean something.

FINALLY! CHARACTERS ACTUALLY GETTING ALONG!

he smiles so much in this scene :D

MONIKA AGAIN??

[shysublimecoffee]

Itachi would've been fine to me tbh if like the story just let him be humbled lol. The main issue is that nobody called out Itachi for his actions, except for Itachi himself, which ironically serves to make him seem even more virtuous and flawless. "I understand feeling upset when some people in the fandom community don't use critical thinking. However, imagine investing a lot of time following a story you read since you were a kid. Many people simply follow the story as presented, and can you blame them when the story validates Itachi? I can't really blame them that much when even the writer seems to be bending over backwards to portray the character as a well-meaning hero, like in the case of Itachi." Now, I don't really know how well something like reading a piece of Naruto media can translate to real life but the saying the things we read and watch can influence on how we perceive the world rings true in my opinion because unfortunately some people really do believe in the Uchiha curse b.s and to me reflects a lot when it comes to how marginalized groups are stigmatized like the idea of a group having the curse of hatred inside of them is fucked if you are so set to believe in something based on a fictional group in a piece of media well... it raises questions about how that might influence real-life beliefs and attitudes towards marginalized groups

I think it's important to be at an age where you have developed critical thinking skills to engage with complex narratives like this. Many people are influenced by nostalgia and are such huge fans of certain characters that they are inclined to make elaborate analyses justifying their actions. For example, some might argue that because Itachi was just a kid when he committed certain acts, it excuses his behavior. However, if we start using age or other factors as excuses for heinous actions, where do we draw the line? What other circumstances would you be willing to bend over backwards to justify committing heinous crimes similar to what Itachi did?

Naruto is a bitch. I don't really want to extend to much with this character since I just feel disappointment. I wanted him to do more then he failed. He's become a politician I don't know what else to say lol. So many people say he inspired them how? What did he accomplish besides obtaining Hokage their world is still fucked up man the shinobi system still rotten. I thought this kid would grow up to do something about it but he remained complacent and changed nothing only difference is he's on top. I realized about later that was Sasuke role as an antagonist and it wouldn't make much sense lol there need to being 2 opposing sides but yeah... He was a whole lotta nothing as a protagonist he was cute kid but he grew up to be a dumb fuck who can't figure out why his "dearest friend" is siding against him and became man who can't keep promises.

It makes sense he had a hunger for acknowledgement I'm not discrediting that since he was a child but he wanted validation from everyone that he has such an obsession with his own self-image and how everyone thinks of him that I find it portrayal to be unhealthy. Sasuke at the end was just a checklist a reward at the end of the day that he wanted to gain for his personal goal.

Naruto talk no jutsu is so manipulative to me sometimes that instead of directly confronting Sasuke's ideas or opinions as equals would in a debate or discussion he would indirectly undermined them. He did this by ignoring Sasuke's valid arguments and instead focusing on exploiting Sasuke's emotional vulnerability, particularly his feelings of loneliness and despair stemming from the loss of family. Like his approach to me suggests a tactic to manipulate Sasuke's emotions rather than engaging with his ideas or concerns directly. But, I ain't sure if he's doing this deliberately since I don't know if he's that smart or I'm looking to much closely.

I'd rather ship his character with fucking OC's. I feel like each member of Team 7 are obsessed and want something from the guy but they don't care for Sasuke personally because if they did it would show but they're after him for what they want from him as a goalpost and hey they won.

[avatar-anna]

Fuck. I love prof and Harry!!

I would love a drama to spice up their lives though! Always in an angsty mood, me! Haha!

How is prof y/n and H going to deal with a potential pregnancy scare?? 🫣 Professor doesn’t strike me as the child wanting type.

so in my mind, professor is one of those people who believes that it isn't ethical to have kids when the environment is in such bad shape and there are so many kids who are already born that need homes.

that being said, i also think her desire to not have kids stems from not having any real parental figures growing up, and she just doesn't think she's cut out to be a mother, or if she would make a good one.

this would be one of the big fights they have in their relationship. and it's not because harry disagrees with her or that he wants to try and change her position, it's that he knows professor isn't telling him the whole truth. he understands her stance on the environment and all that, but he's known her for so long that he knows she's not telling him the whole truth.

and the whole pregnancy scare comes as a surprise because professor and h are very serious when it comes to birth control. but there was just one early early morning where harry leaned over, still half asleep, and was just like, “need you so bad, baby. just this once please.”

and professor is just so floored when her period doesn't come because she pretty much knows the exact hour it's supposed to start. she panics of course, and harry comes home to see her pacing the floor and pregnancy tests all over the bathroom counter.

for a moment, there's a flicker of excitement and hope, but it winks out when he sees they're all negative.

“baby, i don't understand, they all say—”

“i know what they say! but something clearly isn't right! i can't believe this is happening to me, i can't believe you did this to me, this is why we never—”

now, harry knows how professor can be, but he also knows that this isn't entirely his fault. but he's still gentle when he says, “okay, okay, breathe my love. do you want to see a doctor?”

he's trying to be reasonable, but professor, who is always reasonable, absolutely cannot see reason right now. all she can think of is how unprepared she is and how much of a terrible mother she would be.

harry can obviously tell there's more going on, but she won't talk to him, and that's when he starts to get frustrated. he tells her everything, and there's clearly something she's not sharing, so now he's hurt.

so they fight, they say things they don't mean, then they go to their separate corners, which is difficult when her townhouse is fairly small.

but of course they only last about thirty minutes before they can't stand being mad at each other.

“we’re not broken up are we?” professor asks him. he's sitting on the couch and holding Faye Winter while she's standing a few feet away from him, nervously fiddling with her hands.

“no, of course not,” he tells her, still gentle because he knows she doesn't have much to go off of when it comes to relationships. “come sit?”

they talk things out, and she finally explains how insecure she is about the mere idea of being a mother because, “i mean, you've met my mom, so you know,” and “how could i possibly be a mother, harry? i would be awful. i don't want to put a kid through that.”

and of course harry thinks she's selling herself short, but that's a conversation for another time. so he just tells her he understands and thanks her for sharing so much with him.

“condoms from now on,” he says simply.

i'm not sure if they ever do have kids. if they adopt or have kids of their own or what, but i'd like to think that professor learns that just because she didn't have a good mom or wasn't raised they way she deserved, she still has the capacity to love and care for and be a good mom.

i'd love to hear your thoughts, tho!

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

More than whether he has a girlfriend or not, JK's persistence in feeding his y/n's delusions is annoying. And then he wonders why his fans are so crazy and stalkery. If you leave your gate open and house unlocked, I won't be able to act like it's not partially your fault when you get robbed blind. So if you spend all your time making statements like ARMYs are my girlfriends and ohh I have no time for one, and then your fans stalk you to the gym, or spend their hours trying to look into your house - I don't want to victim blame but maybe JK should take some responsibility too especially since he's obviously benefiting in other ways which is why he keeps doing this.

I'm glad Jimin grew out of this phase - he always set boundaries but he used to be a bit more lenient indulging this sort of behaviour in the past. Nowadays he almost always (sweetly) shuts y/n's down and even shipping-wise, he treats all the members pretty similarly - not that that helps much but still. JK with his y/n's and Tae with his shippers - they should really tone it down.

- I doubt JK is lying but all he said is that he doesn't have a girlfriend. He didn't confirm or deny the video. Chances are she's just a hookup and today's remarks will be enough to kill this whole discourse. Plus he posted a new Tiktok so that'll be a good distraction too.

Well it stemmed from a pretty gross violation of privacy so it's just as well I guess.

Tae should take some notes honestly. Him staying mum during the photo leaks, the whole following and unfollowing Jennie ig debacle and the (in my opinion) botched soft launch of their relationship in Paris - that was one L after another.

---

No, he didn't say it wasn't him in the video. And there are more photos of him inside his apartment, from the same angle of the video. I only saw one where he's cooking and it's literally the same kitchen, same trashbins and all. I'm pretty sure it is him in that video.

I also never said that was his girlfriend, just a girl he was having sex with, so this changes nothing for me because my question was "is it Jungkook in that video?" no "does Jungkook have a girlfriend right now?" There is a difference.

Besides, he said he's not going to sue them - why couldn't he have clarified that it's not him in the video in the same sentence? Just saying that someone was spreading lies about him, or spreading false footage claiming it's him would've been fine. He confirmed tho that there's something that could be sued, he's just not going to. He also said he doesn't have a girlfriend right now because he wants to work. But back then when the video was allegedly filmed he wasn't working, so.

Not to mention everyone -shippers included- saying "he should sue those stalkers" like girlssss I thought that wasn't him being stalked? JSKSJD but well. That's about the fandom and not really about him.

I can't with jikookers tho, because some others are saying "well, he's not going to admit to having a girlfriend" and they're right. Jikookers have spent two years calling Jimin and Jungkook liars but now they're trying to act like the bigger person acting like they're offended at people calling him opportunistic and an editor of the truth. Like they don't do that themselves everytime their imagination of jikook doesn't fit reality.

For the record, I actually believe they would deny a girlfriend even if they had one. I said that months and months ago, that they would deny a relationship if it was the best thing to do because they're putting their careers first. ESPECIALLY Jungkook now, who's so desperate for fame. He'd literally be the first to deny a girlfriend the most vehemently even if he had one.

Not to mention it was the wrong place and time to say "actually yeah I have a girlfriend". Like I'm going to need people to be real.

The women who date people like them know that. They know they're not going to be acknowledged publicly. Chen was it? From exo. He's not even as famous as BTS and he never admitted to having a girlfriend, even though a lot of his fans already knew about it. He only came through when he had to get married, and that's what most do. So, if idols who are far less popular than BTS are keeping their romantic lives private, do army really think BTS -who have way more to lose- wouldn't do the same?????

As fun as gossip is and sometimes you just want to watch the world burn, I also don't really believe that they should admit to relationships. Part of me thinks that in case of taennie for example, all those photos were leaked and they've been seen together, they should've acknowledged it out of respect. On the other hand, they don't really owe anyone an explanation.

There's stuff that bothers me on a personal level, like once Harry Styles said he's never had a public relationship, when in fact everyone in the world who's interested could make a timeline of every single relationship he's ever had in his life because of how public he was about it. But... the thing is he was seen in public with his girlfriends but he never acknowledged them to the public. He doesn't get asked about them in interviews, fans don't ask him about it either. He doesn't even speak to the fans outside of his concerts. He definitely never brings up his girlfriends on conversations either. He doesn't show up to events with them.

So that bothered me a lot when he said that because it's very gaslight-y imo. Like, dude... we've seen it all. We've seen you with them. And the thing about taennie is pathetic to me in a similar fashion because we've also seen it and everybody pretends it doesn't exist. And the thing about following her on Instagram and victimizing himself like the app had done something wrong to him. That was so shitty. One thing Taehyung does have in his favor is that at least he never really denied it either.

In conclusion, I'm just a girl and human and sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me and there's a lot of lingering frustration about not knowing everything. At the same time, logically and empathetically, I understand that people are under no obligation to disclose personal information.

[rosesradio]

Leo Valdez in Ceaseless Eve: Let's Discuss

⚠️ The following contains spoilers for any & all of Ceaseless Eve ⚠️

How can I begin to talk about my boy??

To start, I should probably give some context or lore about me:

I started reading the books when I was nine. I was sick in bed one day, and my dad wanted to read me something to make me feel better. "It's just like Harry Potter!" he'd said, holding up a copy of The Lightening Theif. (My ill feelings towards the wizard books now, I had inhaled the series when I was eight and read nothing else. Thank goodness I expanded my horizons, right?).

So, he started to read Percy Jackson while I laid in bed...

And I hated it, lol.

What can I say? I was a brat. Or maybe I just wanted to be left alone with my stomachahce or fever or whatever I was sick with. So, one chapter in, my dad gave up and left me alone.

When I felt better, I picked the book back up...and I went through the entire first series in a week. Even now, my dad jokes that I just had a problem with him reading them, not the book itself. (And yes, we watched the show together, he enjoyed it--I'm still badgering him to read the books himself though...maybe I should read it to him when he gets sick...)

So, I got into pjo. The details are a little fuzzy on when exactly I read the sequel series, though I believe it was sometime in middle school. All I know was that the moment I first read about Leo...I had the biggest fictional crush on him, lmao. I remember a time in 2016 where 13 year old me would watch Viria's "How Far We've Come" video and I'd write Leo x readers in the notes app of my iPod touch (unfortunately, those fics have all been deleted, otherwise I would not hesitate to share that horror with the world. But rest assured, the reader was very much Not Like Other Girls lol).

I'm not sure when exactly valdangelo first became an interest to me or where I found it, but I remember reading the books and feeling like we were robbed of those two interacting. They were always something in the back of my mind, though I was always working on other projects and had no idea where to start in the event that I did write something for them.

Until the hype for the show was starting, and I thought that it would be cool to explore a bit of an AU quest between Leo, Nico, and Piper. I thought about the one-off line about how a "confused pizza guy" had found his way to Camp Half-Blood once and ran with that. Also, ever since I started working, I give my favorite character my job if applicable. At the time of writing, I was a food delievery person, so that's why I went with that. The fic was really a character study of Leo more than anything, so I really appreciate all of the people saying I got Leo's voice right :')

So, there are a couple big changes that were made with Leo's character in the ceaselessverse that differentiate the character from canon:

1.) Leo doesn't make mean jokes about his questmates.

This is a change that I actually regret making, and I might toy with a sort of compromise in the sequel. At first, people who were anti-leo made comments on how rude he could be, and I saw that as something that needed to be "fixed" in CE.

However, now that I think about it as a neurodivergent person...I can't help but wonder if that is connected to him being neurodivergent? Like with me, especially as a teen, I was anxious in social situations and often didn't know what to say, so I would make jokes, and a lot of them didn't land. Sure, I shouldn't have made those jokes, and Leo shouldn't have made the jokes he did, but the neurodivergent nature of it all as well as him being an awkward teen sort of explains that, it doesn't excuse it. I think the rise of purity culture and the lack of desire for nuanced characters has (pardon my lack of professionalism) fucked up the vibe. Like a lot. I think it's fine (great, even!) for a character you like to have flaws, especially if they stem from an aspect that makes them more relatable. If you want neurodivergent characters but hate them for exhibiting traits that are frowned upon, well...you might just want neurotypical characters with quirks and labels.

2.) Leo isn't a "ladies man"

I don't regret this change at all. That shit was weird, Richard.

That being said, I think it was fine to have a character who has romance on the brain and is flirtatous. Hell, it's even fine to have a character that's weird towards women and tries to "jokingly" sneak a peak at a female character changing (sorry if you were trying to repress page 114 of mark of athena)--that's just fiction, but you can't expect us to root for that character (especially in their goal of getting a girlfriend).

So, while Leo is observant of the girls around him and thinks they're cute, I think this was a change that was adjusted to age better, yk?

3.) Leo was (accidentally) responsible for his mother's death (sorry, Esperanza)

This was the first change made to accomodate the lack of Gaea.

Of course, you'll notice how most all of the character's (outside of those from the og series) backstories were altered to accomodate that, but this was something I was particularly interested in exploring. I'm not going to pretend to be a better writer than our buddy Richard (though I think some of his decisions were really weird...and he'd probably think the same thing about me, tbh), but I think it was a bit of a copout to have Leo think he killed his mom only for it to be Gaea's fault, so he's, like, "redeemed". I wanted to explore a route where Leo was responsible, even by accident, and what that would mean for his greif and healing process. I hope that was explored thoughtfully to you guys in CE.

4.) Leo was a bully to escape bullying

This one was a little controversial lol, but I think it's more interesting.

I can see where it'd make sense in canon to have Leo use his comedy to escape bullying--he does a bit of the same thing in the ceaselessverse, though I believe it works too well. Leo is welcomed into becoming almost like friends with his bullies, though there is clearly a power dynamic at work. I have had "friendships" like this in middle/high school, and I thought it would be interesting to show how lonliness can lead you to make stupid decisions in order to feel, at least a little bit, like you belong somewhere.

This is, of course, stopped as Leo became closer with his sister, Sarah. He finds that caring for someone outside of his own survival starts to make him feel like a person again, and he wants to become better for her sake. It's really sweet to me and highlights yet another great type of platonic relationship dynamic to be explored, but more on Sarah later.

---

Of course, there are several other little changes made to Leo's character for a variety of reasons--if you notice any and had any particular feelings about them (hopefully positive, but it's up to you), please let me know by sending a letter via carrier pigeon directly to my house (or by, like, commenting on ao3, tumblr, or whatever etc if you're weird like that).

what was i saying. anyways.

I could talk about Leo's character all day--about how his arc of controlling his abilities instead of fearing them mirrors Piper's, about how his sexuality is (and probably will) never be stated directly in the text, so it's up to reader interpretation (he's vaguely bi but mostly queer To Me but also idc). If you ever wanna hear more of my thoughts on him with any specifics, feel free to send an ask! Or Whatever !

A favorite tool in Leo's toolbelt: The Dormio

Leo has a lot of cool little knick-knacks, some canon and some not. His wristwatch with the hidden message was a strong contender, but ultimately the Dormio wins for sure. What can I say? I would love to see dreams--maybe not my own (Hypnos plagues me with stress dreams :') ), but other people's.

The Dormio was originally called the DreamViewer, which was kind of a placeholder name because, frankly, it's dumb as shit. I have to credit @heavens-vault for coming up with the new name, thank you <3 The name is based on a dream interfacing system by MIT.

(Did some of the editing get lost in the sauce, and the device is still called the DreamViewer sometimes? Maybe. No further questions without my lawyer lol. I plan on doing a mass edit some time in the future. Save me mass edit, mass edit save me, etc)

All that to say, the Dormio is not a one-off. We'll just have to wait and see what role it plays in Ivory Rain...

Bonus Character!

Sarah McAllen: Let's Discuss

So, my first pjo OC...

Sarah is first foreshadowed in chapter five, when Leo and Piper are discussing the quest at Nico's cabin door:

"Us?" now it was Piper's turn to look confused. "You mean...you understood that line in the prophecy, the 'daughter of doves' thing?"

"Sure I did!" Leo replied, feeling his heart skip a beat, his smile a tad nervous. "There's more to me than good looks, Beauty Queen." Hopefully, that settled Piper for now. Sure, that orientation video was not very informative, but he didn't have to explain to everyone why he knew these things about Greek mythology.

After reading through chapter nine, it should become clear that Leo has a little bit of background knowledge on Greek Mythology due to Sarah's loud interest in Mythomagic. Although their background has been covered in the text, I thought I'd mention a couple things about her.

I realized kinda late in her development that I actually did the same thing in an older longfic for a different fandom I wrote when I was 15--giving the main character a younger sister, motivating him to be better and take care of her. I'm not sure if there's any psychology behind me wanting to write my faves as older brothers, but it's interesting!

I did give Sarah a couple things in common with me, even if she's not a self-insert. She's a writer, one of the reasons she falls into the Apollo cabin. She also has what Nico describes in chapter 18 as a "medical brace" on her knee. This will be further addressed in the sequel, but I gave her the same disablity that I have with my knee. I don't want to delve too deep into the medicality (medicality?) of it all just for my comfort, but I wanted to show a chracter that has a disability but can also be a hero, like they did in the tv show. I hope you guys read that and it made you happy :-)

I will say that Sarah is not going to be too much of a major player in the sequel, I don't want to put my OCs too much into the spotlight when I already have a lot of canon characters I want to work with. Still, she will always be really important to Leo, and their relationship will always be really important to me.

Also! To tell you a secret...she will not be the only OC in the ceaselessverse, but I guess you will have to wait and see what I mean in Ivory Rain...

[sandyca5tle]

Slime HRT - Introduction and initial appointment

So, I've been inspired by @/ayviedoesthings (idk etiquette around tagging people you don't know, so gonna avoid the notif for now) 's dragon hrt, alongside all the other ones (bat hrt, dog hrt, and fish hrt) to try my own.

Unfortunately, I'm not much of an artist, so I can't really do a comic like they all have, so I decided to do a written diary instead. This is the first time I've done writing like this, let along putting it out publicly, so constructive critisim is appreciated, but don't be a dick. That being said, on with the show. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this is the first entry of this diary kind of thing; I've decided to keep this, both since I’ve seen other people doing the same, and because I didn’t do it the first time ‘round and kind of regret that.

Anyway, today I went to the clinic that people have been talking about, the one that I’d heard was handing out non-human/species versions of hrt. It had piqued my interest at first, but I hadn’t been certain, partially believing it might be a joke or a prank or something, but then more and more people began to talk about their own transitions, so I began to research it for myself, eventually working up the courage to seek out my own. When I reached the clinic I was a typical mixture of nervous and excited, and was running what I needed to say through my head a thousand times, to make sure I got it right, while I waited for them to call me.

My  nervousness partially stemmed from the unusual nature of what I was going to ask for. I’d seen people posting about fish hrt, dog hrt, bat hrt, and even dragon hrt, but what I was going to be asking for was even more outlandish.

When one of the staff came to get me, they led me to a room with the name ‘Dr Hans Erian’ on it, and told me to go inside. 

My first thought, as soon as I saw the doctor, was that he looked like an evil mad scientist who had turned good - and honestly, given the magic he was working, he might well have been, assuming it wasn’t actually magic. We greeted one another, and he invited me to sit down across from him at the desk he was behind and we began to talk.

Naturally, he asked me what kind of non-human hrt I wanted, exasperatedly listing off a few standard options, a few of which I'd heard of before. Once he had finished, I told him that I wanted to get ‘shapeshifter hrt’. 

See, while I had been looking online, I had come across so many cool, different kinds of animals and creatures people were turning into that I couldn’t pick just one, so I was hoping that I’d be able to get a hrt that let me any I wanted.

The doctor’s response wasn’t positive, as he swiftly told me that I would not be able to take the medication. My heart dropped when he said that, and I had to fight back my emotions from showing; I had seen so many amazing stories online, and I had been so hopeful despite what I knew was an extreme ask, but it still hurt to hear it was impossible.

I should, however, have waited for the doctor to finish his sentence (although in my defence, he paused at a very bad time) as he went on to say that ‘shapeshifter’, or ‘polymorph’ as it was properly called, hrt was more like an additional medication taken with a non-human treatment after a period, akin to progesterone in feminising hrt.

This renewed my excitement, it was possible, I’d just need to become something else first, then I could become a polymorph from there. Also, I really like the term ‘polymorph’; it felt right. He went on to explain that the polymorph treatment needed a base species, one already predisposed to shapeshifting, so that the polymorph treatment would take. The doctor laid out some options, explaining that they were the best options to work as a base if I wanted the shapeshifting treatment later. There were many cool and interesting options, but the two that stood out most were dragon and slime.

Now I’d seen an example of dragon hrt, and while there were definitely many features I liked from it, the end result wasn’t quite up my street. Slime HRT meanwhile was something I hadn’t really seen before, and the idea of being goopy and fluid sounded very appealing, and seemed like a very malleable base for shapeshifting later on, so I decided on that.

He then pulled out another list, detailing the variety of slime hrt’s that existed, and again, I went through the list and selected the one that most appealed to me - a slime made of sap, liking the idea of being somewhat plant-y, and I even asked if that would mean I’d be able to photosynthesize, the returned ‘yes’ making me even more certain in my decision.

The doctor then pulled out some forms, explaining that while originally there was a requirement for you to live socially as your preferred species for 48 months, but due to demand, and many people pointing out the impossibility for some people to do so, (and I swear I heard him mutter something about too many people kicking his door open), that the clinic had moved to an informed consent model. He slid the forms over and I quickly, but thoroughly read through them, before signing off and sliding them back to him.

While I was reading the forms, I noted some of the ‘side effects’ with a small chuckle to myself - ‘Dissolution of bones’ and ‘Loss of skin and organs’ would have sounded a lot worse on any other kind of medication, but given what this was going to turn me into, those were to be expected, and frankly wanted.

I also noted that the hormones I would be receiving would be administered in gel form, which made sense given I was basically going to become like gel, however, it did prompt me to enquire about how this hrt would mesh with the normal, gender, hrt I was already taking, especially given I was taking that as a gel as well. Fortunately, the doctor explained that I could keep taking both together safely for the first few months, but once the treatment had converted half of my body I could stop, given that at that point my physiology would be changing too much for the human hormones to continue to have much of an effect.

After I had signed the forms, it didn’t take long for the doctor to write up the prescription, and to send me off to get the medicine I’d need. As I’m writing this I’ve just taken my first dose, and looking forward to updating when there is next some developments! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! Next