#(thats not a health thing or even an anxiety thing. she just is a dick who needs me to know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bytchysylvy · 2 years

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🧡 ⭐- Alex

💛🥝 - Casarin

📙❌ - Hydrel

😊🍏 - Oasis

💧🎀 - Latikam

ALEX

🧡 Who is your OC’s favourite person? Why is this person the top of their list and have they actually met them (an idol or rolemodel or celeb can be someone’s favourite after all!).

Honestly oasis and casarin become his favorite people. He sees a lot of himself in Oasis but also potential of what his life could be like, and she'll drag him into it as long as it sounds fun. Casarin is like a big brother to him, mokubat and zumi are great and all but they can't both push and protect him like casarin can. He loves his vazuvyn family but these two have this nerve about living that the vazuvyr cannot afford to have and freedom they cant give him.

⭐ What is your OC afraid of? Any crippling phobias or some such? How do they act when scared and what helps them calm down? Does anyone ever find your OC scary? Why?

People. Unpredictable at best. Downright cruel at worst. Cant trust them. Dont even look at him or his shoes. When he catches someone staring at him he pretends to have not noticed and tries to discreetly hide himself. He is bad at this. Its typically not out of fear as much as, well... those shoes. When he's with zumi or susarikas their cover is that they're his magic creatures of some kind and thats intimidating, that he's such a strong mage to have control over a creature like that. But on his own? Nah. The shoes.

CASARIN

💛 In general, how in control of their emotions is your OC? Do they have a good hold on them or do their emotions control them, not the other way around? What do you think is the reason behind this and is your OC ever concerned about their lack of or good control?

My man is controlled by whatever his hopeless romantic dick is thinking in that moment. The only control he has on his emotions is when anxiety is overriding them all and keeping him internally spinning in circles. He didnt used to be so bad until his family was taken away and he gets better post-sf. His grip is weak from the stress and exhaustion of it all. My man just needs a warm saucer of milk and a comfy blanket. Thats literally the fix for like 80% of his problems. Some stability. Bed with the window open and we're not worried about it who said that.

🥝 What does a bad mental health day look like for your OC? Walk us through it with them. What kind of things can help them out of this slump and what kinds of things comfort them when they start to feel like this?

Wake up even later than normal. Breakfast is tea with what has to be a solid 1/4th cup of sugar. Neither changes clothes or bathes in any way. Whatever his other meals are like are up to god, who is not his biggest fan. Drags himself through whatever he has to but gets it done, typical cranky ass the entire time. Smokes and might drink before sleeping. If its a manic bad day its the same, excepting the dragging is replaced with the zoomies, getting himself hurt at least once, and angry screaming (cranky manic representation my beloved) and he is drinking way more to try to get himself to sleep. Oasis leaves him alone but keeps an eye on him, cant get him to listen anyway, then takes over being the adult since thats all she can do. the only thing that mellows him out is being around hydrel it seems and we dont have him on tap. Finds the words to lift him up and makes him melt in those arms... if he can catch him anyway.

HYDREL

📙 What kind of subjects (of conversation, of discussion, in school or whatever) does your OC find interesting or engaging or that they can talk for hours about? What kind of stuff do they just find fun?

My man loves his airships. What else can i say. Outside that he loves history and other learning about other cultures. They tried to feed him anti vazuvyn propaganda by telling him true but unfavorably framed things and he said "whoa! what fascinating way to live. tell me more!" and now he's overstepping boundaries with latikam about it. He has a full education including Deac'Lulne history, which im sure wont be useful to us. Anyway he also enjoys cooking and baking, he was always spending time in the kitchen with the women of the house as a child and helping them. But his skills are basic since when he came back from war they've been keeping him out of there, want him to have other interests you see, outside the house, wont find relationships cooped up in the kitchen after all, thats what it is.

❌ What kind of things would end any relationship for them? Is there a history behind why these things bother them? Could they ever take someone back despite this? If so or if not, why?

Unfortunately hydrel is way too forgiving and cannot cut people out of his life when he should and just lets resentment build up ha ha. The thing that always starts the crack is like, when someone controls or ignores his decision and agency. When someone says idk something like "we just want to help" when he didnt ask for it. Or when "its just weird for you to be out so late ha ha come back now" even though you're fine just hanging out and its not like you have some responsibility in the morning anyway. stuff like that, hypothetically of course. Luckily he's never been in those kinds of situations. :)

OASIS

😊 What can make your OC smile even when they’re feeling down? What cheers them up and makes everything feel better for them? Is your OC genrally a happy person and do they enjoy making others smile? What about your OC makes others happy?

Just a good laugh honestly. "Joy shared is a joy doubled, sorrow shared is a sorrow halved" was something her parents always used to say and its something both her and casarin always come back to. Granted she's not soft about it. Aggressive positivity is her toxic trait, "maybe everything will work out and be ok, ever think of that idiot" and people love her for it. I love her for it, and so do you, its not a choice.

🍏 Does your OC have any triggers? What is the history behind these triggers and are they related to any disorders or mental illnesses? In what ways does your OC react to being triggered?

Dont bring up her parents. Only casarin is allowed to do that, he was the only one still around to know what they were like. What would you know. The demeanor change is day and night, usual little baked bean addict imp sudden sounds and acts a lot more like casarin or goes quiet. Forced maturity can only get you so far.

LATIKAM

💧 What is the earliest memory your OC can recall? Do they know what their first words were or remember where they took their first steps? Do they have any mementos of their childhood they’ve kept such as a stuffed toy or tiny baby clothes?

God I go back and forth about how good vazuvyn memory is. But he certainly remembers the first time he got fucked. Its notable since he was in his 20s (extremely young for a vazuvyr) when it happened. Considering his childhood was 400-600 years ago depending on which notes you look at anything he had is long gone. Be it from time or from the occupation.

🎀 Do they wear a specific accessory with a special meaning behind it? What is their usual fashion sense like? What do they wear when they want to be comfortable and what do they wear when they’re going to a fancy party? Or do they just not care?

Latikam for the most part wears whatever Mokubat hands him. He knows he what colors he looks good in and loves whatever the fuck his idiot son decided to make for him. Though there isnt much meaning behind any specific piece it is worth noting his jacket is extremely similar to the one Kotimach used to wear before he went missing, however Mokubat was too young to have remembered this, he simply made it traditionally and in his favorite colors.

#sf

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kyovtani · 4 years

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ASKS

hey babies! i’ve decided to answer the asks about back to life one and two like this because ive received so so so many and you guys blew me away so answering every single one of them is the least i can do to show you guys just how grateful i am. thank you so much for giving both parts SO much love, i love and appreciate you guys and the support you’re constantly sending my way with my whole entire heart <33

BYE THE FIC IS SO GOOD SO FAR. MY ANXIETY THO FROM THE ENDING, LIKE PLS KYO REALIZE THE MCS ANXIETY PLS DONT GO OUT WITH SORA PLEASE PLEASE HE SEEN HOW SHE DIDNT LOOK OKAY WHEN HE CAME IN PLEASE REALIZE HER ANXIETY PLEASE

– THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !! this was the very first ask about back to life and it’s honestly the cutest thing ever! I hc Kyoutani to be rally understanding of things like anxiety and depression, generally mental health so that’s why it was easy for him to understand the reader’s situation and mindset!

BACK TO LIFE!!!!!!!! MY HEART!!!!!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO GOOD!!!!! i was really excited when you started posting about it!! i can't wait for part 2, i wanna know how they fix this!

AAAH !! thank you so much for the love and support baby!!!! I really hope you enjoyed part 2 just as much, sending you lots of smooches MWAH

OH MY GOD THE KYO FIC IS AMAZING

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!!!

OH MY GOD YOUR KYOUTANI FIC HAS ME ACTUALLY FROTHING I LOVE IT SM

IM NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY THAT MY JAW ACTUALLY DROPPED AT THE LAST COUPLE PARAGRAPHS AS WELL I CANT WAIT FOR PART 2

AAAH YOU GUYS !!! this made me so happy !!! thank you so much and I hope part two met your expectations and you enjoyed the ending MWAH!!

HOLY FUCK THAT KYOUTANI FIC WHEW IT WAS SO SO GOOD IM SO EXCITED FOR PART 2

thank you for the food <33

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT BABY !!!

YOUR KYOTANI FIC AHHHHHHH my heart can’t handle this

I AM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT BABY !!!

OW THE END ON BACK TO LIFE HURTED THOUGH GDFGHJDFHJRY

Was overwhelmed by the hurty that I forgot to say how much I ADORE your characterization of Kyoutani. fdjkhgjkgdr

THANK YOU SO MUCH !! honestly- that means the world to me, probably the best compliment you can give me :((

Back to life was so good OMG 😳😳 HELLO??? You're amazing

Thank you so much, my love! it honestly is everything to me when you guys tell me such sweet things I love you so much MWAH!!

the new fic did not help me with my insecurities now i’m just frustrated and insecure. great writing tho.

honestly- same. when I wrote this, I lit indulgent every bit of my mind working into this fic and thats why it means so much to me ?? so youre not alone, my love; but thank you so much <33

The way I panicked at the end of the fic thinking there wasn’t gonna be more to it, holy shi that fox was so good I almost cried thinking they were just gonna end things like that 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’d NEVER end a fic like that- I hate bad endings and cannot stand cliffhangers but the formatting didn't give me another choice im sorry for the heart attack baby kfhflashsj but am glad you liked it!

@au-roraaa said: ZADE I WAS NEVER A KYO FUCKER BUT I THINK YOUVE CONVERTED ME HOLY FUCKSJFJSJDJSN

THIS IS MY JOB AT THIS POINT I WANT YOU ALL TO TURN INTO KYOU FUCKERS KSSSOH

UR THE BEST WRITER WTF?? WHEN DO U THINK PART TWO WOULD BE UP... and does kyoutani flirt with sora 😣💔

YOU GUYS- NOOO- pls my heart made a loop :(( I love you so much :(( thank you baby and I think now you know what he does with sora MWAH

@kawakuto said: hi hi zade!🤩 (ajdjs idk if you remember me but i moved main blogs and I was @/gukooky before LOL) THE KYOUTANI FIC ANDJWNS I DIDNT EXPECT THE END WAHHHH🥺🥺 it was so well written omg I loved it!! (wtf kyoutani, you said we were going slow what if I wasn’t ready to call u my boyfriend wtffff😔😔 pain.)

AAAAH OFC I DO REMMEBER !! hope youre doing well baby !!! and thank you SO much for your sweet words, I honestly appreciate them so much :((<33

pls I’m in love with your writing. You write kyoutani so well so now I’ll always be grabbing at any crumbs you send my way 🥵

thank you so so so much baby!!!! these kinda words always hit me right at the heart, I appreciate them so much and I love you sm much

bb i love ur kyoutani fic sm :(( ur rlly so talented <33 i look forward to pt 2 ^3^

thank you so much baby, sending a smooch your way mwah

zade that kyoutani piece im in so much pain why would u do this to me 💔💔💔💔

believe me when I say It hurt me even more than you </3

I just finished reading part 2 and it waS SO GOODAJSFHJLFG you did amazing!! (n˘v˘•)¬

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!

Hi! New nonnie coming through :) First time I'm writing something because I'm such a nervous wreck but I just had to

THE FIC WAS SO GOOD THE VIBES ARE CHEFS KISS. IT WAS SO GOOD I LITERALLY DROOLED I CAN NOT GET OVER IT !

Mister kyotani pls rail me thanks 🐱

THANK YOU AAAH YOURE SO CUTE !!! I truly appreciate this with my whole entire heart so thank you so much baby, hope you have a good one mwah

Wait did he do anything with Sora?

nope!! they just went to the party together but in my mind he didn’t even hug her and she didn’t try anything else, too, simply bc she knew how in love he is with reader!!

YOUR MINDDDDD!! THE KYOU FIC WAS SOOOO GOOOD!! Omg i hope you do a part 3 😭😭

i have a Little sequel which is really really soft but I'd love to write some more for it!

@soranihimawari said: Part 1 & 2 with kyoutani was amazing as always Zade! I really liked the ending. This was such a fun read. I was wondering who’s else would be sharing the apartment with Kyoutani. What made you choose tattoo artist Iwa & Oikawa? Those two made me chuckle with the way they came in like that. Hope you have a great day/evening/late night/etc.

✌🏼&💜

—sora—

aaah thank you so so much, baby!! I truly appreciate your sweet words, youre the cutest! regarding your question: You shares an apartment with Iwa, Oikawa and Yahaba (who also works at the tattoo studio!) and i don't know to be really honest- I just like the thought of these three being really good friends so after contemplating whether or not to go with iwaoi or matsuhana, I ended up going with those two dorks! hope you have a good one baby mwah!!

@sakusapetals said: PLEASEE I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH

AAAH THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !!! I LOVE YOU SM

How long did it take you to write the entire two parts? Like wow that’s alot👁👄👁 i adore long fics though

oooh- hm ?? tbh i don't really know ?? I can’t remember ?? I think it took me about a month or like three weeks since I did write it all in one go yk? it was the only WIP I worked on during that time and it felt SO relieving to publish it!

AAAHHH the kyou fic was a masterpiece bb!!! ❤️❤️

thank you so so so much baby!!<33

U LITERLALT WRIYE KYOU THE BEST ABSOLUTE BEST. he’s so aggressive and demanding but he still is willing to show someone special his vulnerability. I LOVE READING STUFF ABOUT HIM FROM U

AAAAH thank you so much- you guys have no idea how much these kinda comments mean to me- I love you so MUCH MWAH

I just read the first part of "back to life" an it had me speechless so many times, almost cried at the end, it's honestly so well written. I'm off to read part two. Have a nice day 🐰

sdoalfsla thank you so much baby! I hope you enjoyed both parts equally as much and thank you for all the love mwah!!<3

Hana is a baddie

SHE IS!! she’s literally the baddest bitch to ever exist ft. saeko ofc but nobody acknowledges it </3

@tonhwa said: I’m in love with the way you write kyoutani pls. Even your previous fics on your old account ( if you don’t mind me mentioning it ) are so fucking amazing. GOSH YOU CHARACTERIZE HIM SO WELL AND THE PLOT IS ALWAYS SO JUICY AND INTERESTING I CANT HELP BUT GO BACK AND READ IT. and then you release this fucking wonderful piece and I feel like it’s my birthday even though it’s already passed LOL ty ily have a wonderful day I’m sobbing tears of happiness

YOU GUYS PLEASE- the fact this made me tear up when I first read it- thank you SO much honestly. knowing you guys enjoy my characterization of my favorite character is honestly everything to me so thank you sm I love you baby have a good one!!<3

I’ve been on this app from high school, and now I’m a college grad. I have to say I’ve never sent a message to anyone I’ve followed. But that tattoo artist! Kyou fic, part 1 and 2 are 😩💕 *chefs kiss* you are one of my favorite writers I’ve ever followed since joining this app. You NEVER disappoint!

-💕 a very satisfied reader

thank you so much baby!! aaah this is honestly so so sweet :(( thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me such a sweet thing, I appreciate it and you so much mwah!!

i gotta say babe THANK YOU FOR THE KYOTANI CONTENT!! muAAAAHH💞💞

NOO THANK YOU GUYS FOR GIVING IT SO MUCH LOVE MWAH!!!

i love kyoutani and he obvs deserves his dick sucked 🤧🤧 but i catch him posting up with other girls I DONT CARE THE SITUATION he gonna catch these hands for a real one 👊🏼👆🏼🤜🏼🥊🥊 kidding 😐😐😐 he’d body me

pls the way this had me chuckling like crazy bc same sajlskjpw he can get mad all he want but he better stay his pretty ass where he is- by my side 😌

#💌.zade's mass response

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cs-discourse · 5 years

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I do not wish anything but good things upon Dia and everyone else involved with this, and I hope that Dia is doing okay and wish them the best moving forward, and I don’t know too much about Rise since I was never a part of it since I never really cared for it, but a couple things.

One, if people paid for their cats, it is not them feeling entitled to them or someone else’s art. They literally fucking are. They bought that with money they earned. That isn’t an entitled Karen. If they didn’t buy it, it is still theirs. They won it or claimed a free service option (I have no idea how Founders worked so the free service may not be totally correct but still my point stands) that was offered to them, and it is theirs. You can’t give someone a gift and then just take it back. Rise isn’t one of the special circumstances where that’s okay, nor was it accidental. While someone made the art, it now belongs to whoever bought it, or whoever it was given to, because they now own it. If the species wasn’t closed I can understand not wanting to allow selling, but if the species is closed, that’s really just a straight up dick move, especially if the people paid for it. There’s only so much you can do with something very community based without the community, and if people lose interest, there’s no way they can get that money back and at some point, it may be money they need. While there doesn’t seem like much can be done if that rule is broken, Dia is a mod on CS, with sway, and they could probably have a user banned for breaking that species rule. I’m not saying they would, but that abuse of power is possible. Also, not allowing them to be used on other sites is also really not okay? It would be more understanding if Dia paid for them herself, but from my understanding, people pitched in to pay for the lines currently used, so there’s not even that excuse. I read the closing post, Rise cats are now considered regular OCs, and it’s not right to constrict the use of their official reference like that. If it were to not upload to places like imgur or Pinterest, that I get because the credit becomes untraceable then, but what if now that the species doesn’t exist someone wanted to develop them elsewhere? There’s no longer any reason to police that and as a species owner myself there really isn’t any justifiable reason I can see to not allow that.

Two, as someone else has said already, Dia took that custom for currency, and if she wasn’t certain about something, she absolutely should have asked for clarification. Most people who take commissions that I’ve seen, references are super important, and if there’s not enough, they ask. They don’t talk it over with other staff members, they go directly to the person and ask. If there was no “surprise me” or “I really do not give a shit about what you do outside these things”, she should have gone straight to Faded to clarify. That is on her. She also says to Fadedfyre that that’s the problem with people ordering cats with technical terms and she wants it to go away. If it’s a problem, then if she was unsure and this has happened before and she doesn’t want it to happen, then she absolutely should have asked for clarification. It’s good she offered to change the eye color, really good, but this could have been avoided if she had asked. It also could have been avoided if a reference had been provided to begin with, but Dia still should have asked. Anxiety is also not an excuse for making someone do extra work or entitling you to it, but from what I saw that was not what Fadedfyre was asking or doing. They explained, asked if anything could be done, and even in their rude reply did not demand or ask for anything to be fixed. They didn’t seem to come in expecting something to happen, just wanting to see if something could be done.

Three, yes, Fadedfyre was rude and really shouldn’t have been like that, but they admitted and acknowledged they were and aren’t acting like it was okay to be rude, and I am also not saying that it was okay, because it’s not, and it’s a huge no. However, they weren’t asking someone to remake it, they were merely asking if anything could be done. That’s not a “demand” for someone to change it. A month also isn’t a super unreasonable time. No where near ideal and definitely a long time, yes, but not insanely unreasonable. It should have been dealt with sooner, but there is so much that can happen in a month and so many reasons why it couldn’t have been dealt with sooner. Real life is a huge one. Personally, since October I’ve been super busy with things and struggling to fix things and I’ve only had a few moments of spare time, and just this month, my cat died, I’ve gone back to the place I was mentally a few years ago which is the worst place I’ve ever been, and my gecko completely surprised me with two babies out of fucking nowhere when I thought her breeder hadn’t ever bred her and I didn’t think eggs could even survive in her tank and I was proved very wrong. I’ve not had any space to breathe. So much can happen out of nowhere and take all your time and energy and a CS species probably isn’t near the top of your priority list. Fadedfyre expressed that they’ve had a lot of in person stuff going on and had anxiety and it took a lot to get them to message Dia, and while I have no idea what is going on for them, I can completely understand where they’re coming from with that. Anxiety can cause you to take ages to work up to being able to do things, and when you’re already going through heavy shit it can take even longer. That anxiety (and excitement) can also make things take longer to realize. You can rationalize, tell yourself that you’ll like it and that it’s not really that bad and your feelings will pass, and then they don’t, and it’s been awhile and you have to accept it and want to see if you can do something about it. Authority figures are also so insanely difficult to approach and Fadefyre said Dia reminded them of people that were not good in their life and that made things harder. To me, Ria definitely comes off as a terrifying authority figure that gives the typical emotionless authority copy paste authority person responses, so I know to me it would take weeks to be able to say something, because I do not do well with people like that, and people like that played a massive hand in fucking my life up and now I instantly distrust anyone who is like that because my only experiences with them are the people who ran my school promising me that nothing would be done, and then the next day sent a fucking policeman to my house to force me to school when I wasn’t able to go in because my anxiety was just too much and I just couldn’t force myself to go. Dia’s comment on anxiety really should not have been made and feels so so unsympathetic and not understanding. I am sure Fadedfyre wanted to address it earlier, but for many reasons they simply couldn’t, and saying “oh I know anxiety makes it hard but if you do it sooner anyway the person will take it better and this thing will go better” really does not help. It’s something that is already known, and the wanted result, but it can’t always be achieved and saying that just makes you feel even worse and as someone with anxiety I can assure you we feel bad enough about it on our own and that’s part of why we take so long. Fadedfyre really should not have responded the way they did but oh god I can see why that caused a snap. That sentence next to a smiley face would have set me off too if it had taken me ages to work up to things because thats the attitude the people at my school had and it’s a hurt I’m still healing from. Brushing off someone’s anxiety like that isn’t cool and it may just be me but Fadedfyre’s apology for Dia reminding them of those two teachers seemed really genuine. Also, I may be blind but I don’t see where the art was insulted? It was never called bad or terrible or shit, just the judgement was a bit harshly criticized. The blocking is justified but as a staff member and species owner, it feels really premature. In authority positions you need to be open and a point of contact, and if you have to block someone it’s best to refer to someone else or at least wait a bit longer to see if there’s an apology or explanation.

Four, NaCI shouldn’t have been told they had to judge them. Things didn’t go as planned and they weren’t in the place for it and someone should have at least been allowed to take over if they volunteered. Also, Dia deleting the post and saying staff should be the ones to answer questions when it wasn’t that also was not okay.

Five, if Dia really didn’t tell the staff either, that’s also not good. She should have at least told them beforehand or made them aware she was considering it.

I don’t think anyone should be mad at Dia or hateful towards her for closing Rise because you need to do what you need to do for your mental health and I cannot stress how important your mental health is, but that doesn’t mean people can’t be upset or critical of what happened because Rise is something that meant a lot to many people. Just be respectful no matter how you’re feeling.

I apologize for how long this is and mods, even if this isn’t posted and I imagine it wont be, I am so truly sorry you had to read all this. You guys are cool and I’m sorry to have made more work for you and wish you all the best and hope you have a most wonderful year.

#cs discourse #submission

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gendertrader · 6 years

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Physical Weight - 266 lb Height - 5′9″ Age - 24 25 mg Aldactone 1 month, 50 mg Aldactone 1 month

Because this is the first month that I’m ‘fully’ (due to reports suggesting that passing 100 mg may not be as effective as previously thought) on Aldactone, from here forward, I will report this as my first month.

Skin

Hair (body/head) [hairline, texture, thickness] I have noticed an increase in the amount of head hair that has fallen out over the past month. This was not initially expected, but after some review of anecdotal reports, this is not uncommon. Not enough has been lost to make it visible, but I will keep an eye out.

Face [hairline, cheekbones, facial hair, eyebrows, eyes, acne, skin] I have not noticed much change in facial structure as of yet, which is to be expected, but I’ve started wearing mascara more regularly and I’ve had an increase in acne, specifically around my chin, but it hasn’t been too bad. I’m interested to see how this changes as I was not a particularly acne-ridden teenager. I have started trimming my beard a little differently to further act as contour, and its growth has started to have a more significant effect on my mental health.

Body [fat, taste, libido, hair, calves, nail growth, testes, temperature] I have seen little to no fat redistribution (unsurprising as it often takes up to 3 months of a full hormone regimen to start seeing real changes), but there may be a hint of gynecomastia from the aldactone. I’m also learning to hold my body differently so as to accentuate the breast tissue, so any changes I’m seeing could self-influenced. I have noticed a clear increase in sugar, specifically chocolate, and salt cravings. I have started incorporating a shake of iodized salt during meals to prep for this month, when I anticipate experiencing much stronger cravings. I have seen mental health changes (please see mental health section for additional thoughts), which I imagine have contributed to the sugar cravings. Libido is...something. I haven’t started fully experiencing the loss of libido caused by anti-androgens, but I seem to be getting it in waves that sort of follow my typical ‘horniness fluctuation’ if you will. The primary difference is that everything is stronger: when I’m horny, I’m h o r n y but I can also go weeks at a time without masturbating and the sight of a hard dick does next to nothing for me. I’m interested to see how this progresses. Despite taking a daily 10,000 mcg dose of biotin, I’ve seen a decrease in nail growth speed and a slight decrease in nail strength. I used to be able to keep them rather long (good for painting, etc.) but they’ve been short for almost two weeks now (after I removed the pink fake nails pictured above) and little to no growth has occurred. Finally, and I’m not sure that this is due to Aldactone, I’m having a more difficult time properly digesting food. Part of me believes it’s due to my wearing high-waisted women’s jeans every day, which press on a part of my abdomen that isn’t usually compressed and could potentially disrupt flow of digestion through the stomach, but it occurs even when I’ve not worn those specific pants all day. I suppose this warrants additional observation.

Mental/Emotional Brain Fog I’m creating a new category specifically to mention brain fog. I have definitely seen an increase in what I must assume is the brain fog for which I see so many reports. To me, it feels like when you’ve been high for a really long time and finally start coming down - almost as if there’s a layer of thought that has been suppressed and you have to focus just a little more than usual to process the things happening around you. I imagine that, for somebody who has never been high, this could be rather disconcerting and difficult to navigate. Fortunately, I’ve been smoking for about 2 years straight as this point, so I have very little trouble living with a little bit of brain fog for now. I will make an update if I notice an increase in fog from 50 to 100 mg.

Depression There has been a slight but definite increase in depression symptoms. It feels like it’s primarily due to the energy-sapping quality of Aldactone, and less like I’m extra sad all the time, but the sadness-depression has increased somewhat as well. I imagine this is due to the fact that I’m no longer actively repressing my understanding of self as a transfeminine individual, so the masculine qualities that I dislike are starting to stand out more. Some examples of these include my beard (I used to go 1-2 weeks without shaving as I am a depressed graduate student and don’t always have the time/energy to shave, but I’m now shaving around twice a week), my face (a couple times while really high and having removed my glasses, I’ve seen Alex as she can be with estrogen but it usually lasts for minutes at a time, so I’m then immediately reminded that I do not look like this - clearly the typical trans experience, but I didn’t think it would be this strong for me and it feels like it’s only the beginning, so I’m strapping up), or my internal experience of being alive (it /feels like/ I’m on testosterone, and sometimes that just gets the best of me; during those times, I have to remind myself that wanting to be a girl is a symptom of being a girl. It’s then that it feels like I’m getting a taste of the true Trans Experience and I have to code switch into thinking how lucky am I to have so much room to grow which only helps a little but that’s more than nothing). I had a few boy days recently, which were nice because everything matched up, but it was somewhere closer to 3 or 4 days out of the month so I’m less worried about my boy days interfering with my transition. Finally, as I’ve stated before, even without the effect of the Aldactone, or the drain of coming out to everybody around me, or the strain of an actual social transition, it’s exhausting. Because I choose every day to take this medication that continues to bring me one step closer to my ideal self, I also inevitably must at least briefly consider what I am doing and the changes I hope to see, which is much more introspection on this topic than I’ve wanted to do for a while. I’m nervous that friends are going to find out before I’m ready (I’m in my final months of my master’s program so there’s no reason in my mind to attempt a social transition yet as I have other very difficult things to do already (I have a conference in which I present at the end of the month and I have to finish data collection and create a poster; I have to collect data for my thesis before analyzing said data and completing my master’s thesis before the April 22 (I think???) deadline so I can graduate on time; I have to find a job (lmao this is so difficult brb crying), which will include a million applications and half a million job interviews; I have to complete 2 additional manuscripts for publication (again, once data collection is completed); and I have to move to wherever I eventually get a job) and I don’t need a social transition piled on top because I’m already barely staying afloat as it is.

Anxiety There may have been a very slight increase in anxiety near the middle to end of the month, but I had also been on the same strain of weed for a while, so I wasn’t taken off guard at all.

#mine #updates #transition #trans #transgender #transfem #transfeminine #genderfluid #nonbinary #enby #fem-aligned nonbinary #fem-aligned enby #aldactone #spironolactone #hrt #diy hrt

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8147 · 6 years

Text

reading hamlet for the first time (act 5: the finale)

masterlist

none of you told me it was going to be this painful . none of you.

a5s1

“Ophelia’s dead.” “Enter CLOWNS!”

Like im sure this has a different meaning in EMA but im gonna make fun of it because it’s fucking hilarious. (future (present? (now past once more (?))) antares coming back to say i did look at nfs and yeah theyre gravediggers)

“First Clown: What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter? Second Clown: The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a thousand tenants.” damn not even just this one quote but these are some depressing clowns

hamlet and horatio!

okay there’s something about all of hamlet’s skull talk that makes me uneasy. like, not even the topic, just something in the words and how earnestly and (pardon my pun) gravely hamlet’s speaking about this. and it’s almost a mournful tune, too. it’s a huge difference from his “we’ll all be eaten by the same worms” speech to the point that it’s almost haunting.

“HAMLET: I will speak to this fellow.” C O N F R O N T

“HAMLET: I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.” (incomprehensible scribbling)

HAMLET, NOT IN ENGLAND: oh yeah lol he was sent to england huh u know why lmao

wait. did the. did the pirate situation get resolved. before act V.

I mean i think hamlet mentioned something about three years but the pirates are so fucking glossed over like what the fuck

“First Clown: 'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men are as mad as he.” HOLY SHIT ROAST THEM JFC

“HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull)” THIS IS THE SKULL SCENE! I fucking KNEW it was bullshit that holding the skull was in the to be/not to be speech. I saw it being presented as such like once or twice while reading and I KNEW IT

hm okay so hamlet picks up this guys skull, of someone he used to know, and sure maybe i could ignore the “those lips i have kissed” but then he goes on to mention alexander the great and i mean come on

but jesus like i feel like im not doing justice to the stuff hamlet’s saying. just, the gravity of it all. Its kinda hitting home a bit hard bc like ive had a crippling fear of what happens after death and being forgotten etc since i was like in fourth grade and this is @ing that phobia

like, with that julius ceasar thing. “O that that earth which kept the world in awe / should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw,” it’s so strange. like, every fucking human who has lived, whether they be emperors, murderers, inventors, peasants, or philanthropists- as long as they weren’t blind, they’ve all looked at the same sky. like. It doesnt matter what the fuck you did or didn’t. It’s wild.

“First Priest: No more be done: We should profane the service of the dead To sing a requiem and such rest to her As to peace-parted souls.” hey i get that there are cultural taboos around suicide but like this guy’s a dick it isnt even clear if it was suicide, like, she was so fucking crazy she might not have even known she was, y’know, in a lake or w/e

laertes, dude, my guy. maybe jumping into a grave is cosmic foreshadowing for something you don’t want to happen to you. js.

“HAMLET: [Advancing] What is he whose grief Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane. (Leaps into the grave)” hamlet is NOT one to be out-extra’d (posting-antares here to say, wait, ‘whose phrase of sorrow conjures the stars? is this my aesthetic-speeches-summon-ghosts theory? probably not, but i havent mentioned it for a while)

“LAERTES: The devil take thy soul! (Grappling with him)” IN A FUCKING GRAVE. THEY ARE FIGHTING. IN A GRAVE.

all because hamlet doesn’t want to be out-extra’d. my god.

“QUEEN GERTRUDE: This is mere madness: And thus awhile the fit will work on him; Anon, as patient as the female dove, When that her golden couplets are disclosed, His silence will sit drooping.” Ah yes gertie just talk about the distraught and angry madman as if he isn’t there. that’ll diffuse the situation.

You know what? We still haven’t discussed the pirates.

a5s2

“HAMLET: So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other; You do remember all the circumstance?” If this isn’t gonna be about the pirates im gonna. scream.

“HAMLET: My fears forgetting manners, to unseal Their grand commission; where I found, Horatio,-- O royal knavery!--an exact command, Larded with many several sorts of reasons Importing Denmark's health and England's too, With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life, That, on the supervise, no leisure bated, No, not to stay the grinding of the axe, My head should be struck off.” god, though. imagine that. being exiled to another country by the person who killed your father, only to find out that they were going to have you killed, anyways. that’s fucking terrifying. jesus christ.

Damn this idea that pretty handwriting is ~beneath~ nobles confuses me so fucking much. I got called haughty once just because my main handwriting is cursive. I mean, they were right, but their evidence was circumstantial at best.

“HAMLET: That, on the view and knowing of these contents, Without debatement further, more or less, He should the bearers put to sudden death, Not shriving-time allow'd.” Hamlet’s Revenge.

but also, what the fuck, dude. two wrongs dont make a right.

damn i kinda lost myself while reading but it really doesn’t sound like hamlet’s insane anymore. Like he’s… tempered himself. he doesn’t feel insane, just solemn.

“OSRIC: Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark. HAMLET: I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?” goddamn ROAST HIM HAMLET (also what a fucking mood)

Osric put on your fucking ha--

The wind is

The wind is northerly

“HAMLET: No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is northerly.” I remember someone saying that this is important

Okay here: “HAMLET: I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

oh no

Osric just wear ur fucking hat u doof

“OSRIC: Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as 'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,-- HAMLET: I beseech you, remember-- (HAMLET moves him to put on his hat)” excuse me a WAGER

but alas all hamlet cares about is osric’s fucking hat

“HAMLET: What's his weapon? OSRIC: Rapier and dagger. HAMLET: That's two of his weapons: but, well.” hamlet u sarcastic little shit i love you

I mean so is horatio. I love him too.

This stuff with the competition is. not gonna end well. not at well.

“HAMLET: I do not think so: since he went into France, I have been in continual practise: I shall win at the odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter.”

hamlet no. listen to your heart or whatever. jesus christ don’t do it.

“HORATIO: Nay, good my lord,--” HAMLET LISTEN TO HORATIO

Ohhh hamlet

okay reading what laertes said, you know what? i’m giving laertes one last chance. please do not prove me a fool, laertes.

everything is giving me mad anxiety. e v e r y t h i n g.

claud’s speech is insanely sketchy

“KING CLAUDIUS: [Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.” One, so that’s why it was sketchy. Two, the POISONED CUP?

IT’S TOO LATE?

Gertie’s. Dead.

Shit, shit, shit

“LAERTES: [Aside] And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience.” YES! SO PLEASE! STOP FIGHTING!

“LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES.” Oh no oh no oh jeez eheu they’re hurting each other, shit, fuck,

“LAERTES: ...woodcock…”

“KING CLAUDIUS: She swounds to see them bleed. QUEEN GERTRUDE: No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,-- The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. (Dies)” one, i love how claud is desperatley trying to stick to the plan, its almost adorable in a childish sort of way. two, oh god. ohhh god. gertie.

Oh no.

this is the bloodbath. THIS IS THE BLOODBATH.

BODY COUNT: 1

“HAMLET: The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work. (Stabs KING CLAUDIUS)” ...

BODY COUNT: 2

wait and hamlet’s on death row, as with laertes. Oh no.

“LAERTES: He is justly served; It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. (Dies)’ oh my god already??? I haven’t even really accepted king claud’s death?? jesus christ??

My friend just sorta nudged me and asked if i was alright and i. I’m not. i’m in shock. goddamn. what?

BODY COUNT: 3

goodness thats three in like less than thirty seconds JESUS CHRIST

“HAMLET: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.I am dead, Horatio.” that’s chilling. just, the poignancy. that’s so fucking spectral. i’m not okay.

“HORATIO: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left.” No no no on no nononon NO NO oh my god are you going to-

“HAMLET: As thou'rt a man, Give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't. … If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart Absent thee from felicity awhile, And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, To tell my story.” hey i’m crying in study hall. i’m actually crying. what the fuck. I don’t cry unless i’m thinking about that one pair of 18th century shoes with the really good photo quality (transcribing-antares here. I fucking love those shoes. I’m looking at them right now and they’re so fucking beautiful. they look how velvet feels, which is odd, bc they're apparently silk. I don’t care they’re just so fucking lovely)

F O R T I N B R A S?

“HAMLET: O, I die, Horatio; The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit.” I’ve identified my emotion. Dread. pure, unadulterated Dread.

for all of you that’ve listened to the penumbra podcast: do you remember the concierge, right before final resting place, saying “you do realize you can just like, leave, and everything will be hunky dory and you won’t have to deal with the emotional consequences this episode will bring you” because i’m seriously considering doing that right now.

“HAMLET: The rest is silence. (Dies)” shit. (posting-antares here to say that i forgot to do the body count but honestly im crying while formating because of this goddamn fucking 400 year old play)

“HORATIO: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince…” oh god. horatio.

“Good night sweet prince…”

(yet again tis transcribing-antares here to say that im fucking sobbing right now, the shoes are no match for this, and ‘goodnight sweet prince’ is actually never going to leave my head.) (editing-antares here to say im fucking crying again god fucking damn it) (posting-antares back again saying that this fucking line. this line. my god.)

“HORATIO: What is it ye would see? If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search.” oh, horatio. god. that isn’t something said without tears staining your skin and a bitter tone hard-won, not that its possession is a victory.

oh my god. this can’t. no. this can’t end like this. What. no. people must have rioted. No. no!!

i typically hate it but i would GLADLY accept a deus ex machina right about now!!

okay my friend just took my phone away from me and shut it off because i kept on trying to scroll past the end

jesus christ

okay so i’m not going to be okay for like, several eternities, so im going to play the sims until i. until i die, probably. my god.

masterlist

#shush antares #antares reads hamlet #thE PIRATES WERE NEVER ADDRESSED #also im crying but im STILL ANGRY #mostly in shock tho

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maximuswolf · 4 years

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what exactly DO i have to ''THanK GoD'' for? via /r/atheism

what exactly DO i have to ''THanK GoD'' for?

when i was born, my parents had been trying for years. finally they have me, and oh boy am i a treat. i came out early, and almost suffocated whilst being born. ''ThAnK GoD'' they say, as if the doctors had not just spent multiple fucking hours working non stop to assure my mother could safely birth me. skip forward a few years, and i start acting up. more than most kids do. surprise, surprise! I have ADD and Severe anger issues, (mixed with a hearty serving of depression) but guess what? that's ok! because ''God mAdE Me spEcIAl!11'' so after a few years of my innocence still being intact, my parents send me off to school. a christian school. and oh boy was that fun. nothing like indoctrinating children before they can make conscious decisions! and you know what the worst part was? that i believed it. because that false belief would be one of the pillars of my life that would cause me to crumble. my parents thought they were doing the right thing, but in a way, that decision, the one i couldn't make would be the decision that led to my mental collapse. i was taught about how people of the same gender loving each other is a BIG no-no (spoiler alert: this will come in to play later on) and how if you don't believe in god, you go to burn in hell for eternity! because nothing says comforting children like telling them that if they are different that they will die horribly! but we were safe because, ''GoD madE Us In hIs iMaGe!1!'' skip forward another few years, and I'm into elementary school, public school. but the thing is, it turns out sculpting your impressionable child can lead to your child being a dick. because since i was taught to ''SpReAD GoDs WorD!'' i did. i told asked a friend whose mother had died if she believed in jesus. she did not. so naturally, i tell her that her sweet, precious mom is burning in hell in horrible agony, and that it's her fault she is there. i never told my parents that one, because it ate away at me for so long I tried to forget. than, around 3rd grade, i developed the thing that usually ruins everyone's life. a conscious and awareness. now, one of the things that came with my ADD is tics. so i would make sudden noises, and, naturally, since America knows jackshit about mental health, i was yelled at and called a freak. ''why would god make me this way?'' i would think. ''i thought i was perfect?'' haha NOPE. soon, school became hell. everyday i would come into class, get bullied, but push it down because i know at least GOD loves me, right? soon, it was too much for me. and i fought back. and you know what? im the one who got punished. and do you know what i was told when i got home from school that day? that god didn't make like this. BAM. shot to the heart. everything i thought was true, all of the relief that god loved me, and so I must be ok, were shattered. if god didn't make this way then why cant i control it? i began to lash out more. and my brain began to be affected even worse, my anxiety so bad i would hide in a corner crying all day. only to go to church the next sunday and be told how great god is, how he designs everyone in his image. which made me realize something. he made me like this. but if he made me like this, why is that bad? why does everyone hate me? why do i hate me? and i guess that was the point i was done. i had had enough. i became more reclusive, so angry that i was sent to a new school. a school for children with mental issues. or, as the church called it ''UnIquE GiFtS!!!1!'' everyday i thought about how i was like this, and that i was wrong. it wasn't my fault, but i was. and one day, i got so angry, so tired of the same thing, that i beat up my bus driver. and that was when i was sent to children's hospital. seeing my parents at the door, so disappointed in me, even though i wished desperately to know what i did wrong, what I did to make god punish me like this. and at night i would cry. i would lay in bed, looking out the window and that night, that night i had had enough. i cursed god out, i held him responsible for every terrible thing ive been through, i begged to know why he made me like this, if i was a mistake? will this be my entire future? living in pain, and betrayal? after children's i refused to go to church. and so i also refused to go to school, losing myself in creative outlets like minecraft and drawing, making a world where i wasn't hated. where I didn't hate myself. but you see, this was the mid 2010's, and kindle fire dont have a whole lot of storage space, so when my kindle inevitably crashed, i was destroyed. the world i had built for myself, the place i could be me was gone. it was like god had taken my life a second time. but hey! dont be sad! it's ''AlL In GoDs PlAn'' thats the problem. i dont want it to be part of god's plan, i want it to be part of MY plan. fast forward a year later, and im in middle school. and that's when i met billy. billy was a jock, a real ladies man, very athletic, toned, and well built, and when i was around him, i felt something. something i had never felt with a girl before. and so one week later, i went to church, and at church i asked my pastor about those feelings. he told me i was sick. that i what i was feeling was not of ''GoDs dESiGn'' and that i needed to try to change. so, i befreinded a girl, cera. cera also had a rough past, arguably worse than mine. her father was abusive, and her mother could do nothing to stop him. and one day, cera's mom, the only light she had left, died in front of her. had an aneurism, and fell to the ground dead. and guess what? she was put into the care of her father. i have never seen a person so angry, so completley shattered. she tried to jump into traffic. she ran and i begged her not to hurt herself. and than i watched a Mercedes Benz drive on the street across us. and i noticed a confederate flag on the bumper. how come someone so awful and immoral gets to have money? whilst cera, an innocent child who had her life robbed of her, got nothing? why would a ''gracious'' god do that? he wouldn't. because there is no god. and later that week, as i was sitting in my bathtub, a thought came to mind. trickling down my spine as i looked at the pair of scissors on the counter. it would be easy, just slide the blade across my wrists and with my artery cut, i would be free in moments. i would never have to feel this again. but my family loved me. and i loved them, because they really did. they only wanted what's best for me, so i didnt. i got out, and cried in my bed for hours. that brings us to the next week, im watching HGTV with my sister and mom in the family room, and i made a mistake. one of the people on tv was very attractive. so i said, without thinking, ''damn he's sexy'' cue my sister turning her head like that old meme of the groundhog, and immediately blurting out to my mom what i said. i was expecting hell, but she embraced me. finally, something was right. but god still said it was wrong, and my whole family is Christian. I'm 17 now, ive come out to most of my family. and i know they still love me. but deep down, i know that they think of me as unnatural according to their beliefs. and i have to live with that. and i also have to live not knowing what terrible chapter of my life will come next. so yeah, here i am, in online school, doing 1000x better than i ever have! my life is neutral right now. and I'm content. but one thing is for sure, if god IS real. he is NOT a good god. anyways, thanks for listening to my rant, and i hope your journey continues well!

Submitted February 01, 2021 at 01:51AM by leakytoquito via reddit https://ift.tt/3ovrT2g

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fureniku · 5 years

Text

The return of my blog or something idk

Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.

Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.

Days since last post: 614 Todays date: 30th September 2019 Start time: 20:39

Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.

I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private. That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah. Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was; - Single - Playing guitar in a band - Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse - Had no ambition/drive to progress life

Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline? Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me. May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved. June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.

September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.

December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.

February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful). I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.

I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...

April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).

While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available. So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.

My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.

May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.

Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon... Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.

June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok. Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.

While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.

July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.

Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.

August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on. Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun.

Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home.

I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”. She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.

Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.

September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do” They did not find stuff for me to do. I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...

I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.

Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.

Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up. S: Are you in? Me: No, why? S: Your building’s on fire. Me: lol nice joke S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside* S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat. I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit. A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right? Shit. Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)

So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.

I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”. That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.

And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?

Finish time: 21:38 Length: 3,302 words/16,759 characters

#depression #anxiety #new start #moving #relationships #friendships #friends #tw #trigger warning

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rookiewithachance · 7 years

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ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

#personal #about me #long post #//fingerguns #im not really looking for answers or anything i just needed to put it all down in one place and idk why else do i have a blog than to #send my thoughts spiraling into the endless void of the unforgiving internet to be lost to obscurity #//flails limbs #im tired #night yall

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abundantmami · 7 years

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Here It Goes

I don’t even know where to begin but I’m going to start at where I fucked up and then back up to everything.

I’m really into this guy and last night I just fucking fucked up. I literally just don’t even know what’s happening with my mind. I feel like I’m losing it. I’ve been in this episode for a hot minute even before I came to New Orleans and he’s gotten the full brunt of it and I feel like a horrible person.

Last night I went on a RANT about MYSELF.

I literally was like “omg these guys are buying me drinks so maybe I’m pretty?” LIKE THREE TIMES! OH wait it gets worse.

“I’m trash, i don’t think you should date me.”

OH WAIT THERE’S MORE

I dragged some shit out about a girl that literally DOESN’T MATTER.

YOU THINK IT’S DONE?

He told me someone pulled a gun out and I just KEPT ON TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.

To be fair, I did take my mood stabilizer and doubled my anti-anxiety meds 30 minutes before drinking. Not supposed to drink on Gabba because it blocks the fucking transmitters with the alcohol, it basically makes it easier to black out.

WHICH I FUCKING DID.

What’s worse is that I literally keep on getting drunk and just spewing absolute shit. I mean just literally unfurling every crevice of my mind onto this guy and it’s so unfair. I’m sure he subbed me and called me a narcissist on fb and I have been moving like one so I can’t even be mad.

Now that’s out the way.

I almost got abducted my first night here. Like literally almost taken into a fucking car, had to fight for my life I’m still dealing with the consequences. I’ve been having these vivid nightmares about it, I also still have a black eye.

This part fucks me up... I told my cousin and she literally just like doesn’t care. I know she doesn’t care because after I told her, she was like “omg that sucks”. Hasn’t called to check up on me either.

Another thing about my cousin... I called her on Mother’s Day because I fully just had a fucking breakdown, and all she said was “my mom tried to raise you, I don’t know what to tell you.” Okay, thanks. That was the phone call. I haven’t spoken to her since. I’m lying, she has reached out to me when I was here, to ask about a file that I needed to export for her. :)

Back to my nightmares.

I also had a nightmare where my step-dad was just absolutely beating the shit out of me and I was trying to fight back and my mom was just there like “yeah, abe hit her!” and he was laughing and everything I did just didn’t hurt him... I don’t remember how it ended but I woke up in sweat. But it’s a dream right? WRONG. It’s totally has fucking happened. Countless times actually.

Onto my wonderful mom.

She messaged me on Facebook on Mother’s Day like at 3 am, I’m sure so I can tell her Happy Mother’s Day. Fake caring about how I am and all this stuff and it was really just dumb. I told her what was going on and that I’m actually having a bit of a tough time. She didn’t offer any help or advice for my situation different from what she always says and hasn’t also bothered since. But according to my grandmother she asks about me all the time and worries so much. Right.

I know my mom fake cares about me because this woman has repeatedly just fucked me over. Oh let’s get to all the good parts.

So moving to New Orleans was a very easy decision, since I was kicked out of my house and then staying at my aunt’s on the couch. Wonderful. Absolutely just a brilliant great time.

Not only was I kicked out of the house but my step-dad called the cops on me AFTER everyone got their hits in. What’s better is that the whole family decided to jump in so I literally was fighting my step-dad, my little brother and my mother. My grandmother was pulling my hair to stop me? I have no real idea but I remember looking at her like “what the fuck are you doing?” I’m getting attacked and your pulling MY FUCKING HAIR. At a certain point you just stop giving a fuck and just wild the fuck out. Which, I did. I wild out AFTER the fact.

Also my step-dad pushed me and my grandmother so hard we both fell, badly. I remember looking at my mom like “this is the man you choose to be with? You come at me about not having self-respect and this motherfucker just pushed your mother and you still riding that dick?” LOL ok. I dated a dirty piece of shit but wow, new lows.

Anyway, after the cops came and took me to the hospital. I went back to pack my stuff and I broke the television. I just literally nudged it over and the whole thing fell and broke. It was beautiful. My step-dad wanted to fight again and I just walked to my room because at that point I was over it. I hope he dies a slow painful long out disease ridden death.

Moving on, my MOM decided to called the cops on me for I don’t know what reason as I was packing my stuff to leave. Because it definitely was not about the television. There was a good 10 minutes in-between that. So in the middle of me packing, I get a knock on my door. I tell whoever is at my door to fuck off. They say it’s the cops. I open the door and I’m like you’re not arresting me. Straight up you’re not fucking arresting me cause I haven’t done shit. In the middle of my anxiety attack I have this cop just came into my room just talking wild shit like he knew what was happening. Backing me up into a corner and I’m like you need to back the fuck off, how am I supposed to pack when you’re literally in my face. I don’t know what the fuck it is about Dominican men. He reminded me of my dad. (I’ll talk about my dad after this story.) He was clearly pissing me off and he was like I’m going to go to talk to your parents and I was like well they’re the ones who called you, so maybe you should have chat with them and let me know what I did this time.

What’s crazy was I remember getting home, wanting to smoke some weed and get ready for a party.

Also, what started this thing was like me telling my mom how I think she needs to go to therapy and back on meds because my grandmother and I are scared to talk to her because she doesn’t know how to act and well... there you go. Here is how bad it is... my grandmother is really sick and waited for my aunt to visit her so she can take her to the hospital because she didn’t want to go with my mom. She waited for days in pain because that’s how intolerable my mom is.

Actually let’s talk about the events leading to that.

My mom called me a fucking bitch because I used her husband’s “cup” as a container. I used it properly because it’s a container, it’s not a fucking cup. Actually she called me more things but that’s really the gist of it and I only heard this from the kitchen.

I had to reset my meds because my mother didn’t feel like going to the pharmacy for me. I would’ve gone but I had school and work and I literally just couldn’t make it in time. I’m on a mood stabilizer and it’s gradual build up and the effects are like after so I basically had to reset like a month of it.

My favorite was when she would tell me that she doesn’t want to talk to me. You came all the way to my mom to tell me you don’t want to talk to me? Okay?

Oh this started because every time I spoke to her she would lecture me until I was like I really don’t wanna hear it. So I literally just stopped talking to her and it was very easy for me. I would tell her too like “hey every time you talk to me, it’s giant lecture or you telling me what to do and I’m over it so please just don’t lecture me.” Also it’s not like my mom is nice to me and tells me things in a loving way, she literally calls me a bitch all the time. She’s been calling a bitch since I was 11. To my face at least. All the time. When she’s not calling me a bitch, it’s a total flip and she's like “why i would never! I luv u. I think ur the best! my beautiful daughter” :D

I don’t want to talk about my emotionally abusive mom anymore. Let’s talk about my non-exsistent dad.

I barely know my real dad but the two times we hung out he acted like he knew my life and my choices and who I was and told me shit like I cared. My dad loves me so much, but he doesn’t call me for my birthday. My dad was in my life for like a good two weeks and during that time he was telling me about another girl who is stupid enough to fuck with him whose pregnant in DR and about to have a baby girl and that he’s moving back to DR to take of his daughter. Let me phrase it better.

My dad who has not been in my life came back into my life and told me he is moving to the Dominican Republic to take care of his daughter.

I didn’t know even know he was living in America.

I literally just looked at this nigga like... u deadass? I’m happy I spoke to him because it gave me answers like why I drink so much.

Of course it was my mom, who told my dad I wanted to see him so this nigga pulls up at my JOB. AT MY FUCKING JOB. I was a barista. This guy walks in and I'm like oh shit thats my dad, okay. Can you leave my place of work? Thanks.

I literally was a fucking mistake. I feel like sometimes I should've been aborted. Not like I haven’t had good times and all that but yeah, mmm yeah.

So circling back to New Orleans.

That night the incident happen was my first day here and I was working at this jazz restaurant. I texted my boss and showed her a picture and she told me I have to get my shift covered. I went in the next time i heard she told everyone that I “apparently got attacked”. APPARENTLY.

Circling back to last night, I need to get a grip. Most importantly I clearly need to work on my confidence because I’m insecure. I need to work on my mental health because I’m traumatized.

I’m trying to move on but it’s really hard. I feel like everyone has had a chance of a fair life except me. I’m not saying that people don’t suffer or have normal childhoods but I’m just saying that I’ve been through so much and I just really think it’s unfair. I don’t think someone should have to handle this much pain. I don’t think that I deserve this.

I can’t get over years of being mistreated in one day.

I can’t get over getting my ass beat all the time and dreading my step-dad taking me to school on Wednesdays because he literally would just tell me the meanest things. I was so young, he literally just broke me. I can’t get over my mom just shutting a blind eye. I can’t get over having a busted lip, or bruises for no reason. Getting my head slammed against a television and blacking out. I can’t get over it. Clearly I’m just psychologically disturbed. I just want to be alone.

Even when it comes to school like I just never had any support. This man literally didn’t do his taxes on time TWICE so i couldn’t fucking get aid and had to take semesters or a year off. What’s the point?

My mom constantly MOCKS my borderline personality disorder. She uses it to make me feel like shit. I called 911 on myself because I was going to do something stupid and immediately after that she just was so rude about it. And like would bring it up as a way to put me down.

All this is making me realize how much hate I have towards her. Not like she’s my favorite person. I just texted her that I hated her so much. I’ve been thinking about it for days, and sending it hasn’t made me feel better. I think she called. I really don’t care, I just want her to know that I hate her. And she denies but she choose a man over me, not just any man but one who CLEARLY disliked me. When I was younger I remember I called the cops on him because I thought it was a stranger. The irony. I wanted a dad so bad and I got stuck with 2 assholes. I’m just over it. I’m closing that door once and for all.

Also you know what bothers me. She never did anything for my anxiety when I was younger. She knew I had abandonment issues and never sought to fix that, another thing she mocks me about. She knew I was depressed and didn’t try to help me at all. Like i just don’t understand whats the fucking point in having a child if you’re not going to be a parent. I remember when I started cutting myself my step-dad said it was cause of TV! Yeah I’m desperately breaking down razors and dragging it across my skin because of TV. I was so fucking depressed. I was in 6 fucking grade.

I guess I’m just a victim of abuse.

I guess this is my life.

I feel like I’ve been robbed of a chance to have a normal life? Like I don’t understand how families work? All I wanted was to go to college and dorm and be far away and I’m 22 now and that didn’t happen. And the way that it didn’t happen was so fucked up. And now everyone is graduating and i’m here.

I’m always here, just fucking here, breathing air, taking up space, trying to be normal and blend in.

I just need a fucking break. A real break.��

If summed up my whole life in one word it’d be uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable.

Which makes me anxious.

Which is why I’m just an anxious person because I’m always uncomfortable.

So what would make me comfortable?

Maybe to be loved? I would like to be loved, even when I’m being bad. That’d probably make me uncomfortable because I’m used to be being reprimanded. But maybe that’s what I need.

I think that’s very fair.

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zackinthegreen · 4 years

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dont read

i hate getting hit by just how much ive fucked up my own life

i hate that tumblr so clearly shows who a post on your dash was reblogged from because it means that i either have to unfollow a bunch of blogs/people i like and have this site be barren or just be constantly faced with the urls of people that hate you now. it especially stings when its a post thats about about like how poor mental health and like being patient with people. But those same people cut you loose the minute you cross a line. and like i sorta get it, im not denying what i did was bad but like idk its just strange because i was trying to avoid us not being friends anymore but it all just made it worse. was it how i worded it? could it have been salvaged by just a minor tweak or was it always going to fail. if i had just said “i feel bad about this thing in a way that i dont fully understand but also still know isnt quite right”, instead of failing to figure out what it was while scattershotting answers at them before reflecting on if they were right; would that have been any better?

it just feels like sometimes you have no relationships with anyone, and to some extent have i ever? like have i ever in my life had an actual, close friend? im not close to any of my family (although i appreciate that my mother puts up with a lot of my shit). idk im hungry and tired and worried about grades and money and just the future in general which is the exact position i was in when i said the thing that pushed those people away. it also feels like maybe my expectation of forgiveness have been warped by my family, and specifically my mother. in that she was maybe too forgiving to my sister and my father. but instead of seeing that she was generous i thought i was being too tough on emily but maybe thats reversed.

and like this morning i just kept think about the one romantic relationship ive actually cared about and how much of an absolute disaster that was. like it wouldnt have lasted forever or anything and they seem happy with who they are with but boy do i wish so many things about that had gone differently than it had. there was something that i had done that probably came off as really controlling and in practice it was but it was just that i was so paranoid about what people thought of me, and of certain information somehow getting back to my family that i didnt stop to think “if you dont want people to know things you do or say then dont do or say them” like especially because that person became involved and it becomes their story too, they should be able to tell who they want. I did also make a complete ass of myself after it was over too, for months afterward i was just a real dick to them; and we were still in classes together and i just needed to argue with them about every little thing even if they were right.

and i know that like therapy was, before this pandemic, an option that i could have taken to maybe help with my anxieties or whatever the hell is wrong with me but ive tried that with four different people over several sessions each and its always just sitting in uncomfortable silence for an hour while im shaking, almost crying, and avoiding eye contact. but again i should have just said something.

and school. Its going terribly and i can only partly blame that on myself. Im like four years in and still a whole year away from getting a two year degree that im not even sure i want anymore. like what the hell do i want to do for school, or a job, for my life because i have no clue.

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dmallpersonalblog-blog · 6 years

Text

March 15 2019

Today was my first day of therapy. it was a nice change of events in my current headspace and a step in the right direction. For the longest time I was afraid to admit that I needed help. That maybe I really couldn't do everything alone or in private.

After my session my first immediate response was to eat a cheeseburger, and damn do i regret that. Greasy food and all that doesn't settle with me and I had to put in double the time at the gym to burn off the calories. But, i guess thats why they call it stress eating. The gym has been a good outlet lately for my stress and anxiety and all the sadness i’ve been sitting on for so long. A thing that I do want to change in regard to that is I find myself repeating either “Dancing in the Dark” by Joji, “Crying Over You” by Honne, or “Almost (Sweet Music)” by Honne. All good songs on their own, but just have a deeper personal feeling in regards to my mental health and this overwhelming feeling of sadness or missing my ex. Something I want to try and do is just refer to her as my ex versus her name. In essence ridding myself of her name so theres no hope of getting back together. But fuck. I do miss her.

Back onto topic for today, my first instinct after my appointment (and cheeseburger) was to put my chair back in the car and call my closest friends. I wanted to call my friend Monica, but with everything going on lately its just so hard to dial those numbers or to see the responses she sends me. It feels like she doesn’t even care anymore. I always though that our friendship was something that transcended time or the long periods of maybe not saying anything. I felt like i’ve been there for her when she needed it, but the one mental breakdown since HS, and she’s nowhere to be found. Its ok though, I’ll always have love for her and I want her to be happy especially if she found someone she can love also. It just hurts not being able to talk to someone that you need to.

I really wanted to call Ashley today also but I know she has work. I sent her my previous post yesterday and I felt like she didn't really read it or acknowledge it. It’s okay though. Im sure she has life and work and her own shit going on. Something I need to realize is that everyone cant be your crutch or your lifeline and people have things they need too. I wish her the best.

The talk I had with Derek today was a bit hit and miss for me. I appreciate that he listens and lets me open up to him about stuff, but when he said that he doesn’t know or think depression medication is something he believes in or wants to do kinda upsets me. It was hard for me to open up about it, for as long as I can remember its always been a sign of weakness and its very hard to open up about stuff like that. It is what it is though, because I am getting help to benefit others and not everyone. Something thats new to me. Doing stuff for myself mentally.

The best medicine lately has been talking to my friend Jessica. Originally I just thought it would be nice to talk to someone whose been over a recent breakup lately too and we could be sad and emo together and shit. But honestly its been a lot more than that. It is nice to talk to someone that gives a shit to be frank. Someone who acknowledges what I’ve been going though, someone who just thinks i’ll instantly get better with time and recognizes the work I’ve been trying to put in to better myself. When I called her she just seemed so proud of me that I took the step to see someone and better myself. She didn't make snide comments about needing possible anti depressants. She just made me feel safe and acknowledged. The only thing I can really hope for tbh. Definitely someone I can open up to and share my journey with and when it hopefully ends one day, we can both look back and smile because we got through it together.

In regards to my therapy. I want to be more open and honest with my therapist. It felt like she knew what I was going through and had sympathy. She made me feel like I wanted a reason to live. A reason to keep on going. She told me to go easier on myself, something that I really want to do. I want to live for myself and not for others. I don’t want to burden people. I don’t want to let people know that i’m struggling so bad that sometimes I lay in bed and think that if I jumped off a cliff everything would be ok. I hate that it takes me forever to get out of bed because this paralyzing sense of fear and embarrassment creeps in and makes you hide under the covers and make you think about all the good memories you had in the past 4 year and replaces them with the love you thought you had sucking another dudes dick or laughing at you while she gets fingered by your ex bestfriend. Depression feels like getting a dick constantly jammed into your ear. It sucks and it hurts and why the fuck would you even want a dick in your ear. I hate that we broke up and I also hate the feeling that maybe I needed it to discover more about myself and my happiness. TBH I wasn't happy the past 8 months. I was only happy when I was with her, and thats something I need to change. To be happy on my own. But, i wish i didnt see that youtube search awhile back. Or to see her moving on with someone else, that would hurt way too fucking much.

Other than talking about myself and my issues, we talked about the term co-dependent and what that means. I feel like I was so codependent on her that it was hard to do things on my own. That i wanted to spend all the moments i could and when she wasn't able to, what was I supposed to do? I loved her so much and even after 4 years I loved her as much as our first time together, or our 1 year anniversary. Or just laying in bed kissing and promising our futures together. I love deeply and passionately and I don’t want to be ashamed of that. What is so wrong about loving your partner to the fullest? Caring about their future, and their well being and how they are doing. But recently, I feel like if i were to even go back into the dating scene I couldn’t. Hook up culture scares me. Sex without love scares me. Finding your “soul mate” scares me, because I dont even know what I want yet.

My therapist said that we did spend our first 4 years of our adult lives with each other and not knowing anything else really hurts you, especially with a clean break from each other. I just hope it gets easier with time. I’m hurting and it really shows.

I need a break from social media for awhile. I need a break from my feelings for awhile also.

In regards to my mental health though... there are still a lot of days where I don’t want to do much and I do think about just ending it all. But I know i cant do that. I dont want my parents or relatives or friends deal with that and emotionally fuck them up. But, I also want a reason for me not to end my life and want to live versus wanting others to want me to live. I just need that reason.

Im stressed out about finding a job. I feel like if it was hard to find one in CA, it might be even harder here. Im stressed out about my living situation. I just wish they wanted me here more, or that I didn’t feel like an nuisance or a bother.

I wish I had more friends out here to hangout with or get a drink or just do something fun. Its been lonely if im being 100% honesty. I’m so grateful for my sister though, shes been helping me out so much. I love her so much and I just hope my mental health isnt fucking with hers. She deserves the world and more.

Im glad i’ve been writing these blog posts to empty out my emotions and all those feelings. For the first time in a long time i’m hopeful for the future.

ALSO; i’m nervous about anti depressants. Theres such a stigma towards them and I hope i don’t become reliant on them just like I was reliant on my ex. But, deep down I know i need them to be better and feel better.

If you’ve gotten this far thank you for reading and letting me vent out my feelings and my hopes and sadness. I hope I can be a more contributing member to society one day.

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luc4ri0 · 6 years

Text

So,in a stroke of good mood i decided to sit down and type some sort of year review/objectives for next year,just to have it documented here.

this year was definitely a wild ride,a year of some definite solid improvement in my mental health.

starting with a short but important “relationship” with a younger girl who set the train in motion.

for the first time someone was madly in love with me,i couldnt possibly compreend, after several failed attempts my whole life to win the heart of people i met throughout my life,i finally did it,i met someone amazing who felt so much affection for me that i actually didnt know how to respond,even though i had the intention to have a relationship in the first place.

that was an incredible experience,it felt like after so much suffering,the “rainbow after the storm” finally happened, i was in absolute bliss, she liked anime,she liked games,she was adorable,she was caring,she was lewd just like me,there was nothing to complain...

with that newfound strenght i set out to show my age by becoming a good example for her to follow,i did the best i could to make her understand how incredible she was,and how confused i was about her actually liking me.

i was roped by my mom to enter highschool again,after 3 years without going to school,in a newfound happiness that felt like the perfect oportunity,i was a 21 year old boy being looked at like i was amazing,so i started highschool again.

and it was incredible,i felt like i was regaining my lost teen years,i felt incredibly powerful,like the world was mine to do as i please...but as time went by,i felt scared,i regret giving up on that girl,but she was 16,and i panicked because i thought i could never live up to the expectations of her parents,specially after her father saw her giving me a goodbye kiss..

but in a way,she was incredibly infatuated,it was like each of us were fueling a really lonesome part of our personalities,we were both incredibly needy,and the more i fueled her neediness,the more she fueled mine.

but it didnt cancel it out,on the contrary,it just made things even harder,because now her dad had an incredibly wrong image of me,because he was very overprotective (also used to be a trucker,so that scared me)

dialing back a bit,i was surprised by how i actually managed to join a social group in my class on day one,and there was this really cute gay guy who i kept flirting back and forth for about a couple of months of school time.

it even led to a successful trip to his house for my first ever netflix and chill session,it was incredible,me,the shy guy who couldnt even say lewd words next to girls,suddenly managed to flirt my way into a netflix and chill session!

we watched lucifer,it was really good (although later on it started getting predictable),and he actually said he liked my body hair!? it was a really weird situation where the thing i hated the most about my body was called sexy by another person,we cuddled a lot,and he gave me a few kisses,but no tongue (later on he mentioned he wanted to kiss me more intensely)

with a few months passing by in school,there was a class president election,and suddenly i thought “i never once tried to do anything that actively tries to help a class i was in...maybe this could be fun for a change?”

so me and this cute guy who i had a nice time with (which didnt lead to anything more than just kisses that one time i might add) volunteered to it,he ended up winning and i got vice-president (because we were literally the only ones who volunteered)

i was a bit bummed out at first because i REALLY wanted to be class president,but at least i would be vice together with this cute boy i was getting super attached to.

but thats where things started to go downhill.

or at least thats where people SAY things went downhill.

around the time the election happened,i finally mustered up the courage to go back to therapy,after 3 or 4 years of wallowing in my own thoughts i did what i promised my best friend i would do,and started treatment,and god damn,was it a relief,i noticed instantly how much i missed having a therapist (as i had one for 3 years straight when i was growing up)

but as sessions went by,and i started touching more sensitive topics,my mood started to waver a lot according to the session

i started overthinking everything,as it usually is with analizing yourself in therapy

but that started getting the best of me,and thats when i finally started the oficial treatment with actual medication. and as youre probably aware of,starting to take anxiety/depression meds can do a lot of weird things on how you act

specially now that i was taking it for an indefinite time,as opposed to only taking it for a week once when i was very young

and,although i acted out of my best intentions,telling everybody in our class group in whatsapp about all the tests and posting pictures of each day’s material for people who couldnt come,somewhere along the way,people started getting annoyed with me,allegedly being “too pushy with the good responsible student act”

later on a weird occurance happened where a new classmate who’d just transfered accidentally posted a selfie to our whatsapp group (we had one for informative class stuff exclusively and another one for social chatting and doing basically whatever the fuck)

at the time,my phone was having a lot of charging problems,leaving my only option to charge its battery directly,meaning i had to charge my battery all afternoon with my phone turned off,and turning on my phone before leaving for school

so i turn on my phone as im one step away from leaving my house (and i didnt have a data plan,so i only had internet while i was at home),and see a simple selfie in the wrong group,with no comment added by anyone or an “oops wrong chat” message,just a message from two hours earlier with a selfie,so,as vice-president what do i do? i ask “why is there a selfie in this group?” because the only rule of the group was informative class stuff only,no memes or chatting.

thats literally it,word by word,what i said,so,after an honest question with simple curiosity,i leave home,not too worried,expecting that “she probably will say sorry and delete it,no big deal”,i arrive at the school and theres an uproar

the class president says hes having to deal with the mess ive made,and im completely confused,it was such a simple message that it didnt even cross my mind that it could be the reason,so there i am absolutely lost on what i couldve done (and if you struggle with anxiety you can guess i was in absolute panic)

so he shows me the chat log,and theres a huge wall of messages in the informative group talking shit about me,calling me names and complaining about how rude i was,and how i attacked the poor new classmate who just didnt know about the rules of the chat group

and there i am,more lost than i was before knowing the reason for the uproar,obviously feeling like shit because i had absolutely zero intention to hurt anyone,and honestly couldnt understand how i offended someone with literally one message

and mind you,the girl in question wasnt even offended,in one of the voice messages in the group she was laughing her ass off at the whole situation (so in a way there was a lot of white knighting from the class),but as i should,i go to the girl anyway and ask her if she was offended,and apologize for any misunderstandings

but like i said before,this was the start of the downfall,from that point on there were several classmates who set out their goal to hate my guts,one in particular looked at me with incredible hatred every time she passed by me,like,the type of person who you feel intimidated just by their stare alone

she would always be rude for no reason with me,talking shit about me at any given time she saw me in the vicinity (mind you,behind my back,but in clear sight,like i couldnt obviously hear)

and after some trouble trying to understand the whole situation and process why i was being hated by a bunch of people for not only something that wasnt offensive,but very strongly so

but i move on,more or less,time passes by and people end up not mentioning it anymore,but later on,as i had already burried the subject in the back of my mind,a class council happens and the teacher asks us to bring up anything troubling us that she could mention to each teacher,you know,normal school stuff

the teacher then asks if the whole selfie situation was handled and finished,because apparently some people went to the principal complain about me and the whole situation and it was archived as a problem

and some of the classmates that hated me bring up the whole argument again about how ignorant and rude i was,and god,i tried so hard to block out the situation in my memory,but my anxiety came waving back with full force

after that point the whole situation kept nagging me at the back of my mind,trying to compreend where i went wrong,and how what i said couldve possibly have been all that people were claiming it to be

and as months passed by,it started eating me up,and around the middle of the year (at winter break,which is the equivalent to the 2 weeks of summer break people get in the us,but our seasons switched) im looking at the chat group and something comes from deep bellow in my mind and comes out completely unfiltered

i post a photo of my school grades with the message,word by word: “post a photo of your grades so i can boost my ego”,as my grades were excellent and i was fed up with all the passive agressiveness half of the class was giving me.

granted,that was an incredibly dick move on my part,but i have this really bad habit where once im at my limit with someone talking shit about me for an absurdly stupid reason that makes no sense,i just sorta play into it,to “see if they like it if i really become the evil they so claim to see in me”

i could hide behind the fact that it is a coping mechanism to feel empowered for a short period of time,since i spent my entire life being abused mentally and physically by my mom,but honestly,it was just me having a breakdown

obviously the message caused a huge uproar and people were rightfuly mad this time around,but i just laughed it off,because they reacted exactly how i expected them to react,claiming having definite proof of how much of an arrogant asshole i am

but i was still having a breakdown nonetheless,so it didnt take long for me to feel incredible regret for fueling the exact opposite image of myself

and,right after we come back to school from that short 2 week break,im leaving school like normal and i overhear a conversation between the people who dont like me,saying “now hes gonna feel it,im want a certain someone to quit being the vice president” (obviously talking about me),and the other girl says “quit being vice class president? i want him to quit living”,literally right as im walking by them

and at that single moment when i heard those last words so many emotions passed through my mind in a flash,i wanted to explode,i wanted to yell,i wanted to cry,but i just passed by silently,and as soon as i got home,those words kept echoing in my head,ive never heard anyone say anything so mean to me before,ive always been everybody’s friend in every class ive been to,at the most ive had some annoying pricks trying to flex on me for not having a girlfriend or being a shut-in

and that fucking destroys me,it was on a friday too,so i had a whole 3 nights with that shaking around inside my head,so i set out for first thing on monday to complain about bullying,prepared to tell the whole story behind it and how unfair it was but then,something beats me to the punch...

im called to the supervisors office,she wants to talk to me,i can already guess the reason,the girls probably schemed to complain about me,but it was worse than i imagined,they actually shared around the class on that friday a petition to remove my position as the vice class president

and im absolutely distraught as i look at the list of names,there were so fucking many,granted my class doesnt even have that many students that attend to class regularly,so about 8 or more of the 15 or so students of my class that frequently go to school sign it

and there i am,i received an “impeachment”,de-throned,the person who did their very best to help everyone in the class with absolutely everything,claimed to be arrogant.

but moving on,the situation is solved,people set out to hate me,i go through the year like normal,talking mainly to my two friends in class.

and here i am,in my summer break,passing with flying colors and excellent grades

in fact,at no point i had to re-take a test,the only ones i did were because one teacher in particular forces everyone to re-take them

when finals came around,no matter what happened in them i would still be fine,i didnt even NEED the finals,thats how good my grades were

overall,this year had its ups and downs,but as my therapist described it,this year was really hard for me because this was the year i rose from the ashes like a phoenix,in the social sense,and im very proud,but that aint ending there!

next year i have at least 3 things i plan to do (aside from obviously getting my official highschool certificate): im going to do a profficiency test in english to make it official that i am fluent in english as my second language (which can be used for tons of things,specially making your curriculum fancier),im going to work all year arround to gather a ton of money with the intention to be ready to move out on my own by the end of next year (or the beginning of the next next year) and last but not least:

i will turn on fuck it mode,i will help 0 people in my class,i will do all essays and group projects alone,and my notebooks wont leave my posession a single time.

this year i did my fucking best to help absolutely everyone,even the people who hated me,to give everyone a chance to succeed this school year,and all i got back was being shafted by almost the entire class for no reason,so yea,if they really hate me so much,they will fucking miss how helpful i am next year

i want 2k19 to be MY year,i finally feel like im myself after so long,so i want to do stuff I WANT,this year i already got my first tattoo,next year im getting another,and i will use the money i earn to buy stuff exclusively for me,im not gonna help with bills of whatever,its my money and my mom cannot make me give it to her,and if she complains i will literally use my own money to buy a router that only i can use.

so yea,bring on 2019,im fucking ready to rumble!

#myposts #that re-telling went on longer than i expected #pma motherfuckers

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captain-spookycandycollecti-blog · 6 years

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I'm 35, clean licence since I was 18 but never owned my own car. I'm thinking of getting a BMW 3 series, 2 or 3 doors, no more than 2 l, live in a safe area of Sheffield. Could anyone give me a ball park figure?""

I need help looking for cheap auto insurance HELP?

Ok I live on Connecticut and the cheapest insurance for me is 200$ and that's progressive. I'm 20 years old so I know insurance is going to be high for me regardless. But are there any other small insurance companies who offer the same service just cheaper???? I feel like my insurance is 200$ because of company name and I dont feel like spending so much because of that. PLEASE HELP!!! I'm buying a honda civic 95 dx auto 4dr

Why does car insurance suck for a 19 year old guy in Ny.?

Anyone think its ridiculous I had to pay like 430 for car insurance this month. I've been driving for over a year and I know it doesn't lower till your like mid TWENTIES! But it's bullshit , my car is old and I haven't gotten a ticket or gotten into an accident so I don't understand. What the f**k is a renewal anyway! And I hear it's more for guys my age even though it's pretty much a joke and a fact that girls are shittier drivers though you get the pinky dick guys with the supposedly fast cars that crash them trying to be a badass. Car Insurance is ran by the rich who can care less about people's safety and they are able to bend the laws to they're benefit so they make more profit. Revolting isn't it?""

Medical insurance help!!!!!?

Ok so I'm 20 and my insurance is or was IEHP. I am married now and I want to know if this still covers me. I want to go to the clinic and get checked up and get birthcontrol but I'm not sure if its going to cover me. My husband does not have medical insurance either. Can anyone please help!?? :(

Insurance On A Supra For 17 Year Old?

How much would insurance be for a 17 year old in (Kingston, Ontario) Canada for a 93-94 turbo or non turbo Toyota Supra be? ALSO : If its under my dads insurance would it be cheaper for me to pay ?""

Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

""Would insurance be more expensive for a Nissan Sentra, or a Ford Fiesta?""

I live in Pa, either car I get will be financed. I got an offer for the Sentra for 72 Months for $275 a month, and the lowest car insurance for that would be $180 so far for that. I did not yet go out to look for a Ford Fiesta, but from what I hear they are less expensive on car insurance. I aparently have til Monday to give the Dealers my decision before the deal drops which I highly doubt , I think they were just telling me that to pressure me into making a quicker decision/mistake. Please give me your advise. Can they really only give me a certain amout of time for the offer? They claimed it had to do with other customers possibly taking any of the money toward loans from the banks... I am new at this stuff and what is more expensive to have insurance on?""

Do I need insurance to register my car in Illinois?

I just bought a car and wanna get the plates and everything right away. Can I register my car without proof of insurance? Remember its Illinois

Car Insurance?

What's the cheapest car insurance company out there for people with 1 years no claim?

What kind of insurance should I get?

I need dental braces but can't afford them. Is there dental insurance that I can get so that I wont have to spend so much out of pocket??

Insurance on a car that you do not own yourself?

Im 17 years old. My grandma will buy me a car. But she doesn't want me on her insurance, so she said i had to wait til i was 18 til she would buy it. I was wondering if it's possible for my mom to put insurance on the car for me, if she's not that one that own's it. She can't on it for medicaid reasons. Thanks.""

""State farm just dropped me for poor driving history, what insurance company should i go to now?

the title says it all...Statefarm told me they would no longer insure me after my last accident. So now i need to find an insurance company that would cover me. I live in California. i drive a sports car. and my driving record isnt pretty :/

Cheapest van insurance?

Hi, I have a transit van [smiley or S reg] Its about 220 road tax for the year, and then a S**tload for insurance. I have one Speeding offence, and no no claims - as I havn't ever been insured on a vehicle long enough to build them. I'm 25, and usually get quotes about 1500...That is stupid...Is there any company that does a reasonable price on a van for someone like me. Or should I just give up now. Thanks""

Late car insurance payment?

scenario: someone is late on their car insurance monthly payment. this person mails it to the car insurance company late and when person checks their checking account, the money is still there because the car insurance company hasnt taken the money out. what is happening here? is the person still covered with car insurance? will the car insurance company charge double with high interest on the next monthly payment?""

How much should i be paying for car insurance in the state of ohio?

I am 17 years old im a male i drive a 2000 chevrolet blazer i have no accidents no tickets and i get decent grades

Teenage driver + car insurance?

I am 16 and have had my license for two months now. I drive occasionally, like when my parents need me to, and sometimes with my friends to the lake. My mother recently informed me that i have no car insurance; she never listed me or anything like that and i didn't know it was a problem or anything. My friend and I have planned a day trip to the beach soon, and my question is: what would be the consequences if i were caught driving my parents car without being personally insured? My mother has an insurance policy on her car, but I dont believe im listed or anything.""

How much does the insurance cost on a 50cc 50km/h moped for a 16 year old?

I will probably get a CBT whatever that is - and could someone please tell me the usual pricing for provisional cat P motorcycle licence and the full one... thanks

""Auto insurance for a person, not a vehicle?""

I need personal insurance for me. It is for a job. It is a courrier job. I was told i needed personal insurance for me to drive any vehicle. It will not be covering any vehicles, just me.""

Is anyone in need of affordable life insurance and you live in South Carolina?

Can i pay for a car and insurance together monthly?

Like on finance or something? so i pay the insurance and the car price on a newish car both at the same time each month?

16 years old looking for car insurance?

I live in miami florida and i plan to get a pontiac Solstice. I want to know how much car insurance will cost per month. My mom has statefarm and her credit history is good but i have no credit history. how much will it cost on average?

How much will Car insurance cost me??? PLEASE HELP!?

I am a 20 year old female. I didn't complete high school, but I will get my GED and go to school next fall. I'm getting a car this Feb when taxes come back and I'm buying no more then a good decent $3000 car. I have a child too so I heard that helps bring the insurance down a little. Because the car will be under my name, & I am the ONLY driver in this house hold so there will be only 1 person on the insurance, how much do u think I could be paying a month??? Any guess for wage? I want full coverage but if its more then 300 a month i will go half. I've had my permit to since I was 17, no accidents. Please help.""

Car Insurance Laws in Arizona?

Is it illegal to drive without car insurance? I have insurance on my car, it is just a pain because it's so expensive and a waste of my money. My friend told me the state requires it and you could e put in jail if you do not have insurance, and I know illegal immigrants that do not have insurance that drive get away with this **** everyday.""

""How much, on average, would car insurance be raised if I added a 16 1/2 year old driver?

The vehicle would be an onld 1996 minivan.

Does car insurance get significantly cheaper when you turn 21?

Someone is try to commit car insurance fraud on my mom?

well my mom got in at fault accident she was the only one who was injured the guy who she knocked into was ok no sign of no injury, the guy is suing my moms insurance company (Geico) for possibly more then 10,000 in bodily injury which my mom only has 10,000/ 20,000 in bodily injury, let me say this again the guy is not injured AT ALL!!! The police that wrote up the report at scene will be super great witnesses to the scene the guy was ok, while my poor old mother had get stretched into a ambulance lucky her pip coverage covered her medical bills. Do you guys think he will win his claim with the type witness we have? Also there was a camera that caught the whole scene on video ( so another vital evidence) Is there anyway we can sue this guys for car insurance fraud or can geico do on out behalf?""

""Help,new driver needs insurance!?""

So, I am a new driver and I just bought a '94 Acura legend. I have looked at some quotes for insurance and nearly had a stroke! Does anyone know of insurance that isn't too high or offers discounts for new drivers. Living in MA if that helps.""

What would be the best sports/muscle car for a 16 year old girl?

As far as insurance costs, gas, problems with the way the car runs -if any- what car would be best? Even old muscle cars from the 60s and 70s may be suggested as long as u have the year and car name for me, u did ur job! Thanks :) think most affortable and sporty/ muscle car look! List year too! Oh and pleaseeeeee keep price in mind! She has to pay for the whole car and everything that has to do with it....absolutley nothing over 15000 and even that might be too expensive""

Are we required to have insurance?

We live in Oregon. We have a Blazer that is just sitting in our driveway not being driven. Our insurance doesn't know about it. My husband thinks if we insure it for a month the insurance will require us to insure it always even when we stop driving it just because we own it. Is that true?

When does health insurance kick in when you start a job?

I've never had a job with insurance. I'm hoping that I finally receive my first full time job with a company (I'm a recent grad). I'm in desperate need of health insurance to take tests on my heart but it's so expensive! So if you start a job, usually how long does it take to be able to take advantage of having the health insurance?""

Fully comp car insurance?

Hello wondering if I am covered to drive another car if we both have fully comp car insurance and if engine sizes have to match thanks

Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

Affordable dental insurance in Michigan?

I live in Saginaw Michigan and I am looking for affordable dental insurance. Any good leads?

""If you had an extra car that was paid off and cheap on insurance, would you sell it or keep it for a back up?""

If you had an extra car that was paid off and cheap on insurance, would you sell it or keep it for a back up?""

""Is a classic muscle car a good choice for daily driver, such as a chevelle?

I love old muscle cars i have always wanted one forever. I would like a 68-72 chevelle. is the a reachable goal? I have 12-16 thousand dollars to spend. I would like a chevelle. If you own one could you plaese tell me how great they are or how often they break down and how much is needed to keep them a daily driver? if this idea of driving a classic muscle car is not possible what type of car would satisfy my love for classic muscle? if i did get a chevelle is it worth buying a true ss or should i get a cloned ss because they are cheaper? 4 speed or automatic? and how high would the insurance be for an 18 year old in new jersey driving a chevelle. please put in your comment if you have or had a chevelle so i can see who has had actual experince with one of these treasures. Thank You

Affordable dental insurance that includes braces?

I live in Santa Maria Ca,93458""

Do I need to have my own insurance to drive a friend's car?

I have my driver's license but don't own a car. Do I need to buy insurance for myself if I want to drive a friend's car, or am I covered under his policy? The car is insured in Florida and I have a Georgia license.""

What to do if i don't have auto insurance before purchasing a used car?

Im buying my first car. Im just looking for vehicles at the moment and ive never had insurance. Anyone been in this situation and can help me out?

How much for car insurance i need the cheapest price?

i need the insurance the requier for the law

What's an average car insurance for a 16 year old. ?

I'm going to be a 16 year old. I'm a male and I live in maryland if that helps I have no clue about car insurance so any and all info would help! Please and thanks! (:

My car insurance is shooting up..looking for a change..Can you help me out in finding the cheap car insurance?

When can i refinance my car loan ??

i bought a car on June 5th this year ( 200-7-) Now i pay around 425 dollars for it every month , and as per insurance around 198 . i make around 750 dollars a month . i am doing this because i want to be independent from my parents. If i don't start somewhere then i will never be on my own . anyway emotional stuff aside..hehe. When can i refinance my loan , currently it's around 6-7% I think my credit score went high , my equifax is 669 , when i checked right now on creditinform.com. I have chase bank , you think they can lower it ? do you know how much lower they can go ? around 300 maybe? i am goin to take defensive driving class also , i heard that saves a lot of money also on insurance.. Please help , : ) thanks , have a nice day.""

What is the best rated auto insurance in California and why?

I'm having trouble finding ratings by people regarding their auto/home insurance. I'm located in Southern California. I don't mind paying a premium for better coverage.

Bike insurance vs car insurance?

im 18 years old currently going after my A2 restricted licence and drivers licence, what i dont get is why a 27 year old 1.6L car will cost me 5,500 a year to insure while a 1.6L cruiser bike will only cost me 512 a year

Can I get Classic Car insurance?

I'm 16 and have been looking at a lot of classic cars (specifically a 1971-1973 Mustang Mach 1) and ran into a bit of a dilemma... My dad is a car dealer, owning his own used dealership, so he has insurance that covers all the cars, rather than just one. But, you have to be 18 to be under that policy, so I can't be on it, and I've heard that unless you're under you parents policy, you can't have classic car insurance until you're 25. But, I heard that you can get liability only (Which is my state's minimum coverage), so I was wondering if that was true. Would I be able to get just liability on a classic car? Or should I just cut out all the complicated stuff and get a modern car?""

What is the cheapest ADD/ADHD medication for the uninsured?

I take 20mg Vyvanse now, but they cost so much money (300 plus for 60 pills). I am working but wont get health insurance for another 2 months... Is there a substitute drug that is a bit cheaper? Ritalin? Aderol? Concerta? Does anyone know where I could see a pricing chart.""

Car insurance when buying a new car ?

Hello,i have seen a used certified car online and very much interested in haggling with the car dealer to buy the car,but my problem is,i have heard you need insurance coverage on the car before the dealer will let you drive off the lot with the car.So my question is how do i go about this when i havent yet selected or bargained for the price of the car before purchasing.I am driving 2 hours to-and-fro to get this car and cant afford to go home without the car the day i go to the dealership.How do people go to car dealerships,haggle on any car they love in the showroom and drive home the same day? I cant buy insurance that i may not need( example buying insurance on a 2009 car,but later get a good deal on a 2010) Any help on how to get the car insurance issue straightened out before i go haggling for cars?""

What is the cheapest car insurance?

What is a good insurance policy for a motorcyclist?

I'm 17 and I have good grades and a job. Im driving to school and to work. Im geting a ninja 250 cc. I litterally own the motorcycle, I paid in cash from a dealer. Do I need liablity insurance? How about comprehensive? collision? medical? Please, I want to pay an addordable insurance policy. Please give me some good policy rates for a 18 year old. ty""

Insurance without a tag?

In the state of GA, is it possible to drive a car with insurance but without a tag? Do you have to get both at the same time?""

Is it possible transfer the auto insurance?

I would like to buy a old car and is it possible to transfer the excisting insurance to my name,I am living in MA USA""

Could a person have too many insurance policies?

i have 5 from 2 different companies, 3 different agents...coz i have difficulty saying no...is that too much?""

Do you have affordable car insurance in Tennessee?

Do you get a good deal on insurance? Where do you have yours?

I need cheap car insurance in New York City?

I need cheap (FULL) coverage for a financed vehicle in the NEw York Area...I've tried the popular sites...any leads?

Whats a cheap affordable classic for a young man?

im 20 had my lisence for over two years but i can never afford insurance! i dont live with my mummy and daddy so i cant blag there insurance, and i also cant borrow money from them! so if you have ideaas for me i would prefer a TAX exempt classic? any ideas? thanks""

""I'm a 17 year old, I have to pay my own car insurance. What's the cheapest? Can you give me your rates? (:?""

I'm specifically asking teens, 17-23, who pay their OWN insurance. My mom isn't going to include me on hers, so I'm on my own. Give me some rates! How much do you pay? Monthly/yearly, and HOW do you pay it? Every 3 months, monthly, or yearly? THANKS!""

How much is home-based insurance?

I am thinking of making money with waxing. I was just wondering how much it would cost me to pay insurance for myself, I am thinking I just need errors and omissions (i.e. liability in case a client decides to sue me). FYI I live in Canada. Thanks!""

Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

""Insurance price for dui, speeding and driving w/o license?

big predicament i got myself into... now i would like an estimate if u know how much insurance would be with these convictions. my previous premium for my 2006 car was approx. 800 for 6 months... thats with clean record... now how much u think it would be now? if im going to do this legitimate i know im gonna have to pay an arm and 2 legs...crap.. any suggestions at all would be very helpful...

USAA Insurance Questions?

I'm thinking about switching my auto insurance from GEICO to USAA, but had a few questions. And since it's the weekend, they're not open when I called. I purchased a used vehicle about 4 months, so my insurance went up, and have heard great things about USAA, so here goes,,,, Question #1 - From all of the research I've done on auto insurance, USAA is approximately $125.00 dollars cheaper for a 6 month premium than GEICO. This sounds too good to be true, but I did the free quote steps over and over again on the site, if you have have USAA auto insurance, does this sound right? Question #2 - I submitted a quote for property insurance as well, and that quote was $10.00 a month, does this sound about right? I did this quote with website assistance on how much my property is worth. Question #3 - My 6 month auto insurance premiums gets paid in 4 monthly installments in a 6 month window, does USAA do this as well, or do they do it by monthly deduction? Thanks to all in advance""

Car insurance after drink driving ban.?

hi, i was banned for 18month for drink driving when i was 16 ( i know very stupid) i am now 25 years old soon to pass my test how high will my car insurance be what would be the best, cheapest car for insurance, please constructive answers I know drink driving is VERY BAD i was 16 and very stupid, thanks for any answers.""

What are cars that don't cost much for insurance?

Im turning 16 soon and a lot of cars I've wanted are vintage so they don't cost much, like the chevy vega but of course the insurance for them would be ridiculous, so my dad is suggesting junker cars but of course i don't want a junker (im paying for the car) what are some cars that are affordable without having to spend a fortune on insurance?""

What does it take to commit a minor and how do you afford it if you don't have health insurance?

My uncle and aunt are struggling with my 16 year old cousin who suffers from anorexia and she will go up to 3 weeks without eating anything. I am not kidding she only drinks water and then she will slowly puree some fruit into her water again for about a week or two before she binges for a few days and then goes back to this cycle of starvation. She looks pale and has no energy. Her eyes are sunken in and she hides in her room unless shes on a binge and she cries and says shes ok when they tell her lets go see a doctor. My aunt and uncle are immigrants and they don't speak english that well. They don't have a lot of money or health insurance and I have no idea what to do but they are asking me to help! I've never dealt with this type of situation before and I'm just thinking they should call an ambulance and maybe they'll commit her to some state institution? I've been googling this and I come across all kinds of conflicting information. How can she get help in the state of California and is there any way if they are not insured to pay for her treatment? Is there any state aid related to extreme cases of anorexia?

I'm driving uninsured. We can't afford our vehicle insurance. Is it nuts to drive out of town?

Please settle an argument between my husband and I. We drive in our town back and forth to work, and I feel ok with that. I want to rent a car tonight because we have to go to an interview. It's about 2 hours away, down a highway strewn with police. I think it's crazy to try to drive in our vehicle, uninsured. He doesn't want to waste the money on a rental. It's a $5000 fine if we're caught - plus I'd likely lose my job (can't have a police record). How far would you drive uninsured? I don't even like driving in town - but we're a few months away from being able to afford insurance. Opinions please.""

Car insurance !! HELP MEEEEE?

right, i cant find any cheap car insurance but my step dad said i can go on his and it should be alot cheaper ( just for a few yeatrs to save up abit ) but my car is in my name, do i need to change my car into his name ?? Pleasee help be Thank youuu !! xxxxxxx""

Can a Company charge more for insurance monthy for employees who work out of state?

This company who's headquarters is in California, is charging about 45 dollars a month for insurance, but if you work out of state, anywhere else, it is 105.00. This is the same position with the company despite the price difference. Is this employee fairness? Is this legal? Thanks!""

How to talk to somone on the phone to set up appointments for insurance?

hi guys i just got a job at a insurance place and my part of the job is to call people to get insurance leads. does anyone know whats the best way to sell insurance and get appointments? please and thank you

How much would car insurance cost for a 17 year old male on a 2013 Dodge Charger V6?

Hopefully I could be a secondary driver on the vehicle which may lower the price a bit

How much do you pay for health insurance?

How are you covered? Through your employer, self-employed, Medicare or Medicaid?""

How Much Would My Car Insurance Be?

I'm a 20 year old female who just got her license, so I have no driving record to speak of. I want to buy a cheap used car (somewhere south of 2 or 3 thousand dollars.) What I would really like would be an old Ford Ranger (a small pick-up truck) or a Jeep Cherokee. I know insurance definitely increases for a truck, and unfortunately, Jeeps are considered recreational vehicles (because their original use was for off-roading and such) so it would also increase my insurance. However, since I'm planning on buying an older car (like late 90s or early 2000s) I wouldn't have a car payment, only an insurance payment (and gas, of course.) So does anybody have any vague ideas of how much my insurance payment would be?? If it helps any, I'm going to be put on my parent's insurance, and my brother (who currently IS on their insurance) drives a PT Cruiser and his payment is $150 a month. I'm guessing mine would be north of $200, but not above $250? Is that close? Any ideas? Thanks! -Ashley""

Will car insurance cover in case my friend crashes my car?

Will all kinds of car insurance cover a case when a friend borrows a car and gets in an accident? What do i need to look for in my policy to make sure that my car is covered even if someone else other than me drove my car.

Question about health insurance coverage?

I work for a municipal court, a city job. I asked if I could purchase a direct pay insurance plan on my own without participating in the one the city has. They said if I wanted to enroll in my husband's or SO's health plan, I could do so. However, I cannot purchase an individual plan(I am single). Something about a buyback of insurance from another corporation. I do not understand this. Can anyone enlighten me? Thanks in advance.""

Who has the lowest rate for car insurance? How much do you pay for yours?

my insurance is kicking my ***. work sucks... low pay. But I need my car for work! I need a lower rate! Who are you with and how much do you pay a month?

Whats the cheapest car insurance?

Classic cars have to go through emissions in Pennsylvania?

I have a 1967 Chevy bel air that has straight glass pack exhaust and I dont think it will pass emissions and i just moved to pa but before I get the license plate transferred I want to know if classic or older cars if you will have to go through emissions????

Is the Honda civic si considered a sports car with insurance companies for a new young driver?

I was wondering if a 1995 1996 1997 Honda civic si would be CONSIDERED A sports car with the insurance company? I'm 16. Thanks

""Cheap auto Insurance in miami, fl?""

I recently moved here and need to buy insurance for my car. Ive been searching on-line and i am overwhelmed on how expensive the rates are here in fl compared to California where i use to live. I have never had quotes in the 100's. so do u know a cheap auto insurance company here in miami, fl I have a 95 ford mustang cv""

How can i apply for health insurance in california?

is there a website where i can apply online? please help!

""If i purchase a car under my name, can it be insured under my mothers?""

I want to know if i buy a car, can my mom be the one to insure it? Since i am under 24 my insurance will b way too high! So does anybody know if she could insure it or does she have to be the one that owns the car? Thanks in advanced""

""I m under 18 and my parents are divorced, so how do i do my car insurance?""

My parents are divorced, and eac have different car insurance plans. if i go under one of their car insurance plans to use their car, can i still use the other parents car all the time of do i have to get separate insurance?""

How much would insurance on a mustang cost (ROUGH GUESS)?

Okay, so my mom's car (Chevrolet Cobalt) is finally paid off. I get my license in less than 3 months. We're wanting to get a 2011 Mustang. The concern is though, the insurance cost. Her and I would have to be on the insurance. Her insurance now is like 185 every 2 months, because she got a speeding ticket a while ago so it went up..? But this isn't going to be a really expensive car. The MSRP is around 22k and the only option I would get is automatic, instead of shift. Which is like an extra 1000. But of course it's a 2 door sports car.. So any estimations? Like extremely rough estimations. Like the average insurance, not real high or real low protection. She'd be the primary driver. ONE more question. 2011 Mustang or 2011 camaro? I like the camaro better, but she thinks it's ugly. But it's less than 1k more than the mustang, and I would love it.. I'm male by the way and make all A's in school if that has any effect at all, which i doubt. Thanks very much!""

Whats a good insurance company?

Hi guys!I just bought my first bike and I'm trying to find out which insurance company is cheap? I bought Suzuki Sv 650 bike.I need full coverage insurance. I just don't know how to get a insurance for my bike please help. Please tell me everything I should know aboout.

In California I Pay $16 for my two kids' health insurance as low income family?

can I do the same in New Jersey? I am afraid to move to a new state whereI don't know the roads and malls but may have to for a better life

Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

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