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#(you know.. like at the end of 3rd life?)
the-gayest-sky-kid · 4 months
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aroace joy vs aroace loneliness fight
#im saying that as someone who IS aroace if this ends up in discourse territory somehow#sometimes i think it's some form of internalized arophobia and it probably is a little at least#but i just feel so wrong and lonely thinking about the future#because i love the idea of being in love (as one can tell) but i just don't love people like that#and aside from any other self worth and confidence issues involved in obtaining a partner it just seems unfair to them you know#that id never be able to love them in that way#before anyone says qpr i am WELL AWARE!!! but then we go back to the Other Issues#besides its so easy to find other aros online but irl nobody really understands#so its kinda hopeless#ive always wanted to get married and have kids of my own !!! like genuinely i love the idea of it#but i doubt id ever find someone who would like#want to be a secret 3rd thing with me and get platonically married and raise kids or smth#and then theres the whole thing about me probably not being a good parent or being able to even afford to have kids so like. GRGRRARARSRR#cant win#ive accepted the fact im gonna be alone but it doesn't make it any happier. it feels like theres something wrong with me you know#but on the other hand i love being aroace its such an integral part me??#and it makes me so happy to be apart of the community and to know its okay#that there are people who understand the Lack#and even in the specific ways i do!!!#so its like so. aughhghhghh#saying this feels like a betrayal because i know theres nothing wrong with not#finding love. i heavily criticize the idea that people need love in their life to be fulfilled.#i feel like im wrong on both ends. to want it AND not feel it#personal posts and stuff idk#cw vent#aethers rants#sorry to be a party pooper i think its getting a bit cloudy and its getting to me
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my uninformed american opinion is that i will be calling it derry not londonderry because im american and therefore will always support ireland if its ireland vs the british.
(i wasn't even going to post this but i wrote a whole essay in the tags so i don't want to waste that)
#i feel like i'm getting into very controversial waters here idk if i should say any of this#also. what do the actual people that live there call it bc i think that should be the end of it.#i saw on tiktok that the only foreign alliance that could make america turn against the uk would be ireland and i fully agree#(i live in new england. uhm. almost everyone here is irish) (irish american i suppose.)#i could talk about ireland and american relations. maybe i will.#here's my understanding of irish-american relations as someone who has never studied the topic in particular#but does have an interest in american history#first off. yes america is very good allies with the uk but culturally it's like. a bullying sort of thing. leftover resentment from the rev#i'm sure it's somewhat similar to everyone's resentment of america. maybe idk im not european#anyway america is built on underdog stories. thats like the foundation of our national culture. the american dream#and these stories started showing up innnnn .... the mid to late 1800s!!#do you know what also happened in the 1800s?#yup! irish people started fleeing their homeland to a better life (cough cough the americas)#so! in the time when stories about immigrants coming to america (the american dream- the most important part of us culture)#a ton of immigrants were irish! wow. do you see where i'm going with this#anyway about 9.5% of america is irish. which is A Lot (3rd most prominent ancestry)#and here in america bc being an immigrant and coming from immigrants and etc is kinda A Thing here#people typically hang on to their non-american identity#i mean i do. you can catch me talking about being french canadian a lot on tumblr.#another thing! even if you aren't irish american sometimes places r so irish that it kinda. blends into ur identification with a city#cough cough boston. cough cough massachusetts.#anyway . so. to recap#ireland and america share a common sorta not really enemy : the british. also they r the underdog which makes us sympathetic#And a lot of america has irish heritage and bc it's the us there's heritage actually matters (sorta)#and therefore the usa will always like ireland A Lot. or at least the people will.#rereading that i hope it makes sense#once again i am not a scholar and have not studied this topic these are just my inferences and observations#rain feathers talks#i will not be tagging this
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an-incoherent-mess · 4 months
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So I'm really into genealogy and have been for a few years now and I'm blessed with being really good with names and dates etc. So in conversation I can remember like a ridiculous amount of:
Jane Doe Smith Johnson
b. 1805 Tennessee d. 1879 Missouri
Married 1828 to John Patrick Johnson. Had five children. Died of TB
Etc etc
And that's cool enough apparently but I've mostly been using it for
A. Making up bullshit but real sounding names for stuff (i.e my name is Emily Stewart, Grace Kolár, etc). The point is that they're normal sounding and varied.
B. Having a bizarre frame of reference for historical events. Like "oh [small town],[state] 1942 had [random] event happen? My 1st cousin 4x removed got married there that year, small world!"
It's so dumb, like I'll read about some historical event from my area (where I've had family in the vicinity of since the 1840s) and I'll link up the time frame in my head and be like hmm... I wonder what 3rd great aunt Helen thought about that happening next door to her church.
#anyways im haunted by my ansesters and their lives#and driven actually crazy when i hit a dead end until ive solved it#like if i dont figure out credibly who my 3rd great grandfather's parents are soon im genuinely going to lose touch I'm serious.#i realized the other day that id been 'investigateing' it since Jan 2021 DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE IS COMPARED TO THEN?!#and I'm not like casual.. I am multiple times a week searching the LoC as well as physical genealogical libraries for records#it lives in my brain like a tumor#he was born in 1857 in 'western' America this isn't fog of shit#its goddanm out there!#part of the obsession is because this particular ancestor is where my surname came from#he's my paternal paternal paternal grandfather.. yea... I'm just like curious as to specifically where my surname originated#sometimes especially on my mom's side I can track this shit down to a specific small european towns and I can find neat historical stuff#but this guy is just a fucking mystery#he appears in Oklahoma in the 1870s has like 15 children and then offs himself after losing money gambling#oh my god im actually ranting#and I guess it bugs me more than others because he has a very prominent newspaper trail#there are tons and tons of mentions of this guy#he has a long ass obituary but nobody ever fucking mentions where he came from other than like vague ass statements#his obituaries literally contradict each other too#I have searched everywhere for any misspelling of this guy's name#but his name is very easy to spell it's freaking William and the last name is very easy as well its a third person singular verb#ugh#anyways#ive cooled off#geneology#is interesting as fuck honestly
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bokuwadekinaiko · 2 months
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cw post / tags. sorry
i don't even know if i have the words
to express this
she's gone
and its all my fault
#~ . 🥀#half my brain wants to scream to cry to do something#the other half wants to lie here forever and wait til i go numb#im in such a state of shock rn i .m gonna throw up#for context#2 hours ago as of writing this i received news that a loved one committed suicide#i was one of the only people that knew she was severely depressed / suicidal i shouldve seen the signs#i shouldve helped her more or called her or told someone#i was a coward. i couldn't.#and because i willingly did nothing to stop someone from dying#i am compliant. therefore . its my fault shes dead#.#this isnt some story where you can rewrite the ending#this is real life#and now i watched someone i love die and will have to live with the guilt of knowing i couldve done something but chose not to#the worst type of person.#i didnt deserve to be friends with someone like her.#no one did. she was smart and witty and oh so stubborn (affectionate)#we both loved the same bands. i don't know if i can ever listen to those bands the same way again#god i cant think#im actually gonna throw up#this is the 2nd time in my life something like this has happened. 3rd if you count all COD not just suicide#knowing something is wrong with a loved one but being too much of a wuss to tell anyone or help them or do anything useful#god im fucking worthless#my friends and family will vent to me and share their problems with me and ill say i care and tell myself i care#but givenmy behavior i don't think i can ever say i can#idoly standing by while people i love suffer#fuckin pathetic#this was a deliberate choice i made. this is all my fault#this is all my fault
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inkedhorror · 2 months
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oh when did that happen...
#THANKS GANG! i dont know when or why this happened but im glad u like my silly once in a blue moon art posts#i need to completely redo my personal tags Ugh my blog is a mess#um I want to post more art eventually but A) i havent made a solid drawing in a month and B) ivr finished writing 2 fanfics in my life Total#and they were oneshots.... For Sam & Max. looks away#executive dysfunction sux Boo i wld lovr to be able to finish writing smth else literally Ever. i have so many cool fic and au ideas#and i get so embarrassed or straight up forget abt stuff i do finish. like... shivers. Freakyverse#aka an abandoned utmv project between a friend group that kinda fell apart but Hey what can u do#namedropping varyswap simply bc i want to have it somewhere public that it does exist and im not crazy when i inevitably lose the google doc#sighs wistfully at the dozens to hundreds of google doc wips i have#i have so much i want to share but i dont even have enough written down for a full chapter of smth...#i would be fine posting abandoned wips if there was Enough for me to be satisfied with#its all messy drafts and half finished plot lines and i barely ever end up completing an entire scene#and. i dont like posting unorganized ideas in public spaces. i guess. idk#screams into a pillow#edit i have 3 finished fanfics total. wrote that 3rd one when i was 9-10. it was a utmv s/i fic abt her and her friends dying. head in hands#shoves my su fic ideas doc behind my back#so like... kicks the floor. anyone else insanely attached to concepts where characters are split into Pieces of themselves etc because#yeah im that person and i also like time travel and undead characters so you can imagine what my su ideas doc looks like rn#sorry i forgot this was a post abt how i have 150 followers#I WLD DO SOMETHING SPECIAL BUT ALAS#yall arent getting shit. Sorry. havent even gotten to the simple doodle requests in my inbox yet#love u xo#rabbit squeaks
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esoraluco · 2 years
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Self insertober 1 Sweater. Mosquito guy sweater sharing day
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sunjoys · 1 year
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just finished the eighth life and um im in tears 🙏 good book 👍
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nomaishuttle · 1 year
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aughhhhh i wish i had books 2 read i wanna read books so bad rn 🤓 <- i look like this. 2 pictures of me 👇
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#IM SO CRAZYYYY its whatever. im half done with listening 2 ersatz elevator .. 7 more left.. ill prolly finish ersatz elevator tmrw innit. n#Probably i will finish vile village as well and potentially get started on . its hostile hospital after vile village roght.... i feel so#fakee im sry 9 year old me#bc let me think with my head im almost positive carnivorous carnival is the 10th. YES IT IS bc theyre on the mountain from. oh lord no wait#its all so evil let me check. bc theres 7 left#ok my prediction is. 7. vile village 8. hostile hospital 9. carnivorous carnival? might be switched with prev 10. slippery slope#11 grim grotto 12 penultimate peril 13 the end.#im pretty much positive on the last 3. now i check and kamille screams at me in my head Sorry girl.#> me being entirely fucking right im literally like god if he was autistic and haunted#sooo let me do some math rqq... the last few books r likee 4 hours each i think. and i work 8 hours a day 5 days a week...#ive done the math and its sort of dire it appears ill probably finish either thursday or early friday. what on earth will i listen to after#that.... sigh. oh well... + tbh i dont just wanna do audiobooks even tho im excited for the last half of asoue bc i dont rememberit as much#well. clearly i do idk if you recall but i just named the last 7 books in perfect order. but anyways. im excited but also Lorddd i forgot#that i love irl real life readingg 😭😭#i might say fuck it and read the 3rd miss peregrines on internet archive. miserable .. i want to have it irl but you know.#n then i can go ahead n put the last 3 books on hold Rn so i can read those next week#AND ill put 2001 on hold too bc im sososososo excited abt it :]]]]
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orcelito · 1 year
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Finally doing some emotional processing ✌
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infizero · 1 year
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thinking about dl!scar makes me sad for many reasons but one of the worst is thinking about him knowing far too well that grian is unhappy with him and just having to live with that
#they make my brain melt. and srry in advance cause what im about to say is like mainly the shit i made up but bear w me#anyways#like. scar loves him. and grian makes it very obvious that he isnt happy being soulmates with him#and scar just has to go around knowing that. he doesnt WANT grian to be unhappy but there isnt anything he can really do about it#he didnt make them be soulmates#and yet he gets punished for it anyway as if its his fault#also notice i never said grian doesnt love him. its the soulmate thing he doesnt like#maybe if it had been someone else he had been paired with#but with it being scar its just. he cant go thru that again. he is still in that damn cactus ring and now he is literally being forced to#basically do that all over again. with the added bonus of being RESPONSIBLE FOR IF SCAR DIES which is like erm.#the WHOLE crux of why 3rd life fucked him up#i do think grian loves scar but. he loved him once and it ended in tragedy. and he just cant do that again#thats why i believe he distances himself so much from scar in double life#also i will always champion that grian would literally rather die than be forced into a monogamous relationship which is.....#basically what DL is lmao. (3L is different cause despite initially being forced to serve scar he CHOSE to love him)#so add that plus extremely complicated feelings ft. trauma concerning scar equals yeah that mf is gettin outta there!!#btw this is not at all to excuse him if u guys know me you know when it comes to life series grian i HATE HIS ASS!!!#he couldve talked to scar about this. maybe they could have worked something out! but instead he decided to be shady and inconsiderate#anyways GETTING BACK TO WHAT I WAS ORIGINALLY SAYING.#i just think about how hard it'd be to be scar in DL. like you have been forcibly paired up with the guy you love and got lowkey betrayed by#in LL (but you betrayed him too once so does it really matter? and does the bond you forged in the desert really carry over?)#and yeah you're a little annoyed and hurt he kept it from you for that long. but you're ready to work together again#it's just like back then and its great! after all you never really left monopoly mountain. but the problem is he never left the cactus ring#even though you never held it against him. it always affected him more than you didnt it? you seemed to have far different takeaways from 3L#and so now you're sitting in a patch of bamboo feeling like a useless burden (because that is what he keeps treating you as)#and you havent seen your so-called ''soulmate'' in a day#and when you do its like whatever happiness was on his face dies out and he is so painfully unhappy around you#and you both pretend there isn't a smudge of chocolate and crumbs around his mouth#serena.txt#sorry. my demons
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playing elden ring sounds great until i actually have to play elden ring
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fingertipsmp3 · 5 months
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Another thing that happened tonight is I incinerated a weed brownie for no reason 👍🏻
#i’ve been freezing a lot of my edibles because my tolerance is somewhere in hell#my friend once described it as ‘ellen; every time you get high it’s like the first time. it’s like brand new to you’#she wasn’t wrong#SO i’ve been freezing weed brownies. this is fine. but then they’re frozen. shocking i know#so microwaving them for like 20 seconds is enough to get them soft enough to eat#so why did i leave one in the microwave for a full minute and just walk off. 😭#my microwave microwaves stuff for 1 minute by default if you don’t change it. and i didn’t. because i’m DUMB#i was working on autopilot and forgot i had a brownie and not leftovers#i wish i could tell you i noticed immediately but we all know i didn’t. i only noticed when smoke POURED out the microwave at 50 seconds#managed to avoid setting off my smoke detector through sheer luck. or maybe it’s just broken. god knows#anyway i ate the least burnt bit of the brownie but most of it i just had to toss because it was charcoal#it was literally ON FIRE#every day i ask why. why is this my life#i think i’m going to exclusively get gummies now because i can’t keep living like this#or like… how long do baked goods just last at room temp. a week? two?#i’ll be real i don’t think it’s a good idea for me to consume a 360mg cake in a week but i’m willing to give it a shot anyway#if you see me on the news don’t worry about it#personal#(i feel the need to clarify right now that it was only like 1/3rd of a brownie that i burnt#i’ve been cutting them into little bits and freezing them so i can thaw just smaller segments at will#and thereby have a lower dose so that i don’t end up on the news#so it’s not like i paid an egregious amount of money for a weed brownie and then set the whole thing on fire#it was a pretty negligible amount of brownie all told. but it was still upsetting)
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hippo-pot · 5 months
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i was tired as hell yesterday - i had taken a 6-9pm nap the night before, which did not interfere with a regular sleep of roughly midnight-8am (cruelly, my Tuesday classes this semester have been at 9:30am, and i have a commute), and then had, at school, taken another 1-3pm nap, for hedonism. I felt some elation that i was now done with the 9:30 classes, but i thought to myself, 'let's just check and see if the fall class schedule is up yet'. Regrettably, it was, and upon learning that my fall class is at 9am, i became unfit for company. I took some space while my husband started grocery shopping, then came back and pulled multiple treats out of the basket that he had placed there in an attempt to mollify me (nothing can. let's not waste money). i am even now wrestling with whether i am capable of going Back to school today to make use of the resources there, or whether i would undo any of my good standing with my peers and mentors through sheer pissedoffedness
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cinematicnomad · 5 months
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this is incredibly random but my best friend just texted me something which reminded me that for a brief shining moment in our senior year there was a genuine concern that i wouldn't graduate on time bc of fucking P.E.
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fugglecases · 7 months
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ohhh okay i get it now the pain is forever and never ceasing
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nerdykeppie · 3 months
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Okay, y'all.
I'm gonna be really up front with everybody in a way that I'm usually not:
This year so far has been really rough, in a way that kinda has me worried. Bear with me, and there will be dog pictures along the way and pictures of new swag at the end, ok?
Running a small business is always rough, and with everything going on - with me being down-and-out struggling to get my hysterectomy approved, with everything going on financially & politically, with Jake moving out here - we knew that this year probably wouldn't be a banner year, but...
... when I pulled reports at the end of May, I was kinda shocked and gutted because at the start of June, we were actually down a considerable amount year over year. I knew the year wouldn't be great, but like, oof.
Pride is usually where we make our money for the year - we call it "gay Christmas," because where other retailers count on their holiday season, we count on Pride to make sure that our employees get paid during January of the following year.
Pause for Ser Davos Seawoof:
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This Pride has started ... slowly. Not terribly, but a little more slowly than I'm comfortable with, and slowly enough that I'm nervous. We invested a lot of money in new stock and equipment, and that's got to pay off. Right?
So here's the pitch:
We need to make at least $60K in sales this month to make sure that we're in good shape for the upcoming year. We are currently at $8100, and we have a two-day event coming up in Seattle at the end of the month, but that still gives us an awful lot of ground to make up.
If we hit our sales goal for this month, NerdyKeppie will donate 1% of our net profit for June to @queerliblib.
Just hitting that goal would both make it possible for us to know we can make it through the year & even if we have the worst profit margins this month, it'd be a minimum $250 donation.
We just added Express delivery as a shipping upgrade on most of our t-shirts (limited color and size options on that, which isn't under our control) so if you need something quick, we've got you, and everything from our Portland HQ collection ships usually within 2 business days.
Everything in our Bottoms & Tops collection is Buy 2, Get a 3rd 69% off with code TOP2BOTTOM until midnight tonight:
And as always, NerdyKeppie is 100% trans-owned and queer-run. We start all of our employees at a minimum of $25/hr, and all eligible employees are IWW members. We have no investors, and we have no shareholders to please. Big box corporations screw over small artists and drop Pride the minute it gets hard or controversial, but this is our life.
We're here for the long run. Help us stay and help us build resources for today & tomorrow, and get some cool-ass swag while you do.
💗🏳️‍🌈
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