#-paul's songs- on the other hand are funny because

[asurrogateblog]

just because you two are the blue ones to your red counterparts does not mean you're the normal ones

[menlove]

one thing that adds to credibility of Paul being closeted imo, is that often he is thought of as having this internalised homophobia, if not homophobia itself, because he always mentions how un-gay he is whenever some gay subject comes up in interviews

but like, there are so many things that disprove him being homophobic, it's not even funny. going to Paris alone with gay men? Paul did that two times (three if we count John lol) and that Peter Brown story is incrediblyy suspect. what homophobic man, scared of gay, sits on the bed of his male employee and his male fling that casually late at night in his hotel room and chats them up?

most likely reason, combined with his incredibly suspect lyrics, is that he is so defensive about his sexuality because he has something to hide

THATS WHAT IIIIIM SAYING!!!! like he is so comfortable w gay people and gay culture which on its own isn't suspect but it Is when people insist he's homophobic as a Reason He's Repressed Not Closeted. and once again I must remind everyone that john nearly beat a man to death for calling him gay and was still undeniably queer.

it's just like. imagine for a moment. with me. everyone hold my hand. not claiming this is true but walk w me along this path to get to current paul that isn't "he's just repressed and stupid and doesn't even know he's bi" but is instead MY speculative timeline (somehow this turned into a mini fic or something god help me but I'M SO SERIOUS IM SO SERIOUS THIS WOULD MAKE THE MOST SENSE TO ME WALK WITH ME HOLD MY HAND)

you are born in the 1940s. you are raised by a strict man who was physically abusive & in a culture that hates gay people. you grow up watching people get killed for being queer and being bullied over your feminine features that people think make you queer. you hit puberty and Shit Gets Harder because you start finding other men hot. elvis, for one! when you're 15 you start seeing a boy around that you think is hot and it turns out he's in a band and you fall in love with his looks and his voice and then him. and he's just as insane about you. you start doing increasingly sexual things together. eventually, you're having a full blown sexual affair. while writing love songs together and growing up together. and then he gets his girlfriend pregnant. and marries her. and you lose him, a little bit. he goes off and has an affair with your gay manager & when he gets home he ruins your birthday party by nearly beating a man to death for bringing it up. you wonder what he'd do if anyone found out about the two of you too.

and then the insane happens and you end up The Most Famous Band In The World. the ENTIRE world is watching your every move. the entire world loves you. they wouldn't love you if they knew. you get a girlfriend and it's convenient because she's always gone and you're always alone. but you still have him. and other girls. through everything, you have each other. even when he says something stupid and the world wants all of your heads on a platter and he starts to fall into a depression, you still have each other. even if now you Know how bad it could be if they ever found out. and then your manager, your father figure, an openly gay man, dies. and it's not a suicide, but a lot of people think it is, and sometimes you wonder, and fuck it's terrifying, isn't it? the reality of your life, the reality of loving Him, the reality of being queer. what if that winds up being You? you start to lose Him a little bit more as you throw yourself into your work and push everyone way too hard. you propose to your girlfriend. and then you do lose Him. to a woman. which was sort of unthinkable because he was already married and never cared about her, just you. never cared about any women, just you. but he cares about Her. and you fucking lose your mind. lose yourself in drugs. blow up your engagement. propose to another girl and many more "jokingly". your one girlfriend says you had to try again or you would have gone "raving queer" and killed yourself. the whole time you're losing Him more and more. suddenly he's looking at Her like he used to look at you. you're no longer his world and what the fuck do you have? a bunch of girls you don't care about and a drug problem? and then you meet a woman who, according to you, is more woman than anyone else. she's a mother already, a family ready made when you've always wanted one. she's smart and she's funny and she's quick and you let yourself cling to her because you don't have Him and he has Her so you've got to have someone, don't you? and she winds up pregnant and that's great, that's wonderful, you're no longer in danger of dying alone and queer and sad. you've lost Him by now completely, even though you have about a month where things feel a little less awful again and you perform together one last time. you marry her and you ASK people, flat out, if they expected you to be a 26 year old unmarried queer. you fight the night before you're married for some unknown reason, so badly she almost leaves you. and then He marries Her, and everything is fine. and then it all falls apart completely. you at least had Him as your friend, your writing partner, the other half of you legally. and then he asks for a divorce. and the world ends. you don't have the band, you don't have Him, you don't have anything. you stay in bed all day, drinking, miserable. like a breakup, not just of the band.

eventually, your wife pulls you out of it. you survive. you start writing again. you write to him. you put two beetles fucking on the cover of your second album and he thinks a song you wrote about your wife's ex is about him (and maybe it is, a little) and he shoots right back. and you keep that up for a decade. writing to each other. seeing each other only in the news and in snatched moments together where nothing is the same as it was. you plead with him through your music: why do you hurt me so bad? call me, pretty baby. I'm waking up screaming over you. I can't tell you how I feel. you try and make things like they were, even a little, showing up to his house with your guitar like you're 15 again, but he sends you away. in all that time, he's basically gone to conversion therapy. he's with someone who makes disparaging remarks about his sexuality. for you, you've let yourself embrace being a bit campy, but you still can't bring yourself to be open about any of it. not with anyone but your wife.

and then you start talking again. you make up. things seem hopeful. it seems like he might still love you and he writes you a song about starting over with you. and then he's murdered. and it's senseless. it's so so senseless. and it's unfair. you lock yourself away for days listening to that song he wrote you. the media tears you apart for grieving wrong. they wish you died instead. they think you're cold. you never loved him, not like he loved you. you write a song, with tear marks on the page, telling him how much you DID love him. all the things you'd say to him if he were there with you. you write more songs about that, all centered around that theme. some of them you say are about him. others you don't. once, you say if anyone catches on you can just deny it. but he wrote you love songs too, apparently, for you, and you eventually record them with your old band

and the thing is, You are one of his widows. his name follows yours every time it leaves someone's mouth. he's all anyone ever talks about with you. he's all you want to talk about too. his legacy is your legacy. he's no longer here to tell people about his sexuality, he's no longer here to consent to everything that you were being told. he's not here. and how can you even begin to mention Your Own sexuality without bringing him up? you owe him more than outing him in death. you owe Her more than that too, because you were already cruel to her and so was the world. she's grieving just like you, you can't do that. your wife dies, and now you're her legacy too and you being queer would seem like a betrayal to her. your best friend dies, and now he's your legacy too. you aren't just you- you're Him, you're 1/2 of the living members of the most famous band to ever exist, you're Her, you're your dead wife

so when someone asks you about him. when someone asks you about being gay or calls him the love of your life. What Exactly Are You Supposed To Say?

I wouldn't say shit either

[rentumblsstuff]

Random Hatchetfield Headcanons

The first time Alice Woodward ever smoked weed was when (after much inner turmoil) she asked Deb to shotgun it with her.

Max has two snaggletoothed incisors which is why people swear to god he has fangs.

Deb also has a snaggletooth which is what inspired the vampire part of Alice’s vampiric sapphic play. Alice also thinks it’s ironic she made a vampire character when Deb is a vegan.

Ruth as a Sophmore hit on Senior Alice a lot. Alice thought it was funny and she and Deb “adopted” her. Max and Steph also put the PANIC in bi panic for Ruth.

Max would find it weirdly hot that Grace wears bathing suits under her clothes because of the idea that he gets to see what her body looks like before even she does.

The hospital is downtown, so Becky Barnes definitely got infected in TGWDLM. Despite never wanting to do it again, Becky climbs the tree as someone calls the HFPD to save Kathy’s cat because she’s still infinitely compassionate even under Pokey’s control. Plus, Pokey knows she wants to get over the trauma associated with climbing trees, so he makes her do it to give her a big number about finally overcoming her past. She accidentally flings the cat as soon as the song starts, which is why in Show Me Your Hands, the cat dies so quickly even though it JUST got called in.

Peter infected Steph who infected Deb who infected Alice in TGWDLM. Pete and Steph would have been Sophomores and Deb and Alice were Seniors, but I always imagine Steph and Deb knowing eachother because MRFC said Steph is in the Smoke Club on Twitter at some point. Assuming Steph’s been a little punk for a while, she’s been in the smoke club since at least Sophomore year, and probably a new inductee the same year as TGWDLM (2018).

Alice and one of her parents (maybe Bill) were also raised in purity culture because we know the Woodwards and the Chastitys go to the same church. The Woodwards probably take it with a grain of salt though (Alice has expressed dislike over Grace’s prudishness)- either that or one of her parents (probably her mom) wasn’t originally from said church and also raised Alice with “this is what you’re learning here, but here’s also what I learned at my church at your age.” Bill was likely the one raised in purity culture because he does NOT LIKE DEB and thinks that if she HAS TO date a girl, she should date someone like Grace Chastity, implying she’s an exemplary teen girl. Ms. Woodward lets Deb sleep over and probably knows she smokes and likes her anyways; three points for Alice’s mom not being the puritanical one.

Ted reads romance novels. He’s a former geek turned sleazeball- you know he reads the smuttiest novels ever and calls them “his research”. He refuses to read any book with the friends to lovers trope because it’s too upsetting to think about. (Side note Time Bastard gave us a definite date that timelines don’t branch/reset before depending on whichever theory you believe because the homeless man is in every timeline, meaning that Jenny’s death is fixed in time and never changes: October 7th 2004, so the timelines change anywhere between October 8th 2004 and 2018.)

In whatever timeline Emma finally gets to have her weed farm, she meets Paul when he tells her he was prescribed that marajamij for his anxiety and he was too scared to try Xanax. She thinks he’s kind of cute for a wet cat of a corporate slave. “Fuck the patriarchy? Yes please.” (Side note Paul seems so uptight and unfuckable like bro gotta be blank down there like a Ken doll and has no discernible kinks from what I remember while Emma is laid back and chill asf and like… normal in comparison so yeah sure Paulkins canonically fucks but does Emma enjoy it?? Like dude even Pete’s more fuckable than him come on.)

Pete and Steph don’t kiss when they admit their feelings for eachother even though one of them would die before ever getting to kiss each other because they both think it’ll only make it that much harder to go through with sacrificing the other. One of the reasons Pete also chooses to be the one to take the bullet because he doesn’t think he even COULD pull the trigger on her. Like it’d be physically impossible for him, in his mind.

TGWDLM was originally meant to be an allegory for the institution brainwashing us. Show Me Your Hands and America’s Great Again: examples of people in power working for and fulfilling the evil wishes of some almighty, otherworldly, inhuman THING (be it aliens, be it those in power). It’s clearly meant to satirize the way that power corrupts and tries to convince you its way is better. Even Hidgens, THE FUCKING TEACHER, tries to teach his student that it will be better for everyone to join in that corruption and give in to the hive mind. This reminds me of how the school system in America tries to paint our history as something glamorous; manifest destiny instead of genocide of the indigenous populations. The people in power convincing those under them that the deaths of countless lives is a good thing and it will pave the way to a better future. Cool motive, still murder. Which is why Emma “Fuck the Patriarchy” Perkins is the last one to be infected. She was incapable of being brainwashed , and even when she was the last one left, she saw that the people watching didn’t care, and the all-consuming threat of corrupted power closes in on her until the very last moment.

The Lords in Black were going to try to convince whoever sacrificed their most treasured something to do more work for them, but Grace required very little convincing. Like Wiggly spoke into her mind like “Gracy-Wace! You forgot my booky-wook! Look in it, see any thing you like? Wanna kill all the pervy-wervys?” And she’s like “holy cow I can kill all the pervy-wervys with this book?” Pete would have needed the most convincing because he’s just lost the only girl who will ever love him (in his mind) and so he’d think these things took away his one chance at true love and NEVER want to deal with them again. Even if they offered him a way to get her back, he’s too smart to know that won’t come without an even bigger price AND too paranoid to think she won’t come back wrong like Max did.

If the Green-Foster family ever did get to move to California and Lex got to be an actress, her interview attitude would be a lot like Reneé Rapp and if she ever got asked about why she’ll openly shit talk people in an interview, she’s like “I used to work retail I learned pretty fast that nothing gets done if you keep your mouth shut.”

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 1.2

George: We don't have to keep [an image] up, we just remain ourselves. Don't we, Ringo? Ringo: well, we do, I mean, it's the other two we're worried about. It's a joke about John and Paul being bigheads, but a crazy person – definitely not me – could also see it other ways if they wanted to.

Paul talking about their mutual friend when asked how they met and John telling him not to complicate it. They're so married it's ridiculous. 

Always looking at each other with every single joke. 

He looks like he's in a lovely enclosure at the petting zoo. I've always been so confused by this footage. Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on?

I LOVE that we now know Paul was cast as Thisbe and John as Pyramus and then they switched. I'm actually dying to know how and why that happened though. My first instinct was “of course. Paul was scared he'd look too convincing as a woman, so John did it for him.” But no. Paul dressed as a woman at the cavern, wore ladies lingerie in Hamburg, and wanted to do a full drag show on TV in the early seventies. So why not Thisbe?

Why do you as a man randomly bring up the color of your friend's dick while staring lovingly into his eyes?

It must be noted. They had a wonderful time playing star-crossed lovers. 

The bickering pianos are so cute! And then John (prompting Paul): and John and I . . . Paul: oh I hate this. John: will probably carry on . . . Paul: we'll carry on songwriting . . . You just know Paul didn't hear the end of that one interview answer for a long long time. And it's because John just had to hear it over and over again.

Love the editing so that Paul smacks John's ass right as the symbols crash. 10/10 A+

This iconic moment. Poor George tally number 4.

Interviewer brings up marriage and John takes a shot like he wants to forget that the whole concept even exists. Literally poor Cynthia. And not even in an “lol her husband's gay” type of way. Just in a genuine “the way their relationship fell apart actually breaks my heart because she really did love him and in his way he loved her too but they were just so thoroughly incompatible” type of way. 

Paul: makes a stupid dad joke. John: giggles gleefully and kicks his feet

I have never seen someone so disappointed that they didn't need to lend their friend a pen. Paul had his hand in his pocket before John even asked the interviewer for a pen and when the interviewer gives him one, Paul literally hangs his head like he's just been cut from the school play. I just. The obsession is frankly cartoonish. But also, he just needs to be needed, you know? How many songs does he have which conflate being needed and being loved?

The juxtaposition of Paul and John elaborately messing with the interviewer (“yes John Lenard, that's me” and “actually it's done by mirrors.”) vs George's “I don't know” and “yeah.” it's actually kind of mean editing but whatever. It is ULM not UH. Someone should make that though.

Again, John. Calm down. He's not that funny. Just look at Jimmy. That's the normal person's reaction to that joke. John is half the reason Paul has such a big head honestly. 

Paul's answer to a question about the Beatles gaining a lot of adult fans is nice. Sometimes he shocks with a bit of wisdom. Sometimes his words don't get messed up at the point they hit his throat as he says. 

What the fuck? Okay so the interviewer asks Paul what he likes in a girl, right? I've always been too distracted by Paul saying he likes a sense of humor and John doing an obnoxious fake laugh in the background because John. It's embarrassing how obvious you are. Stop.

But I never noticed Paul actually says “people”. The interviewer asks about girls and he says he likes “people - er - girls” to have a sense of humor. Huh. Okay. 

So ULM was actually what made me a serious Beatles fan and this was the first moment where I had to pause it and verify to see if what I'd just read was actually true. It really is a doozy. 

How to flirt. A guide by Paul McCartney. Step one: get your crush’s attention. This should be extremely easy. Just gesture vaguely at something you're holding. He'll be interested. Step two: do something suggestive to a phallic object. Step three: that's it. You've got him. He'll do whatever you want.

The editing in this thing truly is brutal. Just the jump cuts from a question about Cynthia to John and Paul making each other laugh to girls screaming to John and Paul unnecessarily touching to girls passed out on the ground to John and Paul desperate for each other's attention to girls waving signs to John and Paul sharing weird eye contact to girls physically mobbing them to John and Paul beaming at each other to a question about Jane. It really does drive home the immense pressure of compulsory heterosexuality back then. 

Then a question that's obviously meant to poke a nerve and start some bad feelings. “Paul. Is John the leader of the Beatles?” Easily rebuffed with “no I'm not” and “there's no real leader”. I know I'm dramatic but really it's like every aspect of that society was against them you know? And they just kind of said "fuck you, we're crazy about each other."

Question: what do they think about when they're imprisoned in their hotel rooms? John: we don't think about one thing. *Whips head to look at Paul* well, some of us do. Oh and you know that how exactly? What, do you just have a printout of his every thought? Do you keep constant tabs on his dick?

Someone give me the heterosexual explanation of that moment when John very clearly and obviously checks out and appreciates Paul's ass as he and Ringo are pretending to be cowboys. Seriously. I'm at a loss here. 

Poor George tally number six? Seven? They're asked what they'll do if England reinstates the draft. John brings up Southern Ireland. George brings up Germany. Paul and John plan their joint escape to Southern Ireland as if George hadn't even spoken. 

The choice to play “Another Girl” over that quote of John's being like ‘Paul's actually much meaner than i am’ is great. Because that's seriously such a jerk song. I don't much like Jane, honestly, but fuck, she deserved so much better than Paul. He was such a douche.  

Literally all the song choices in this are phenomenal. “Hide Your Love Away” over the montage of 60s homophobia moments? It's so genius. Saying everything without saying anything. Letting the Beatles do the talking. 

The laugh track over the cartoon is honestly so sad. Nobody asked them if they were okay with being mocked like that and they never even made a dime off it. What would that have felt like to know that your being “too close” with your best friend was a running joke on TV?

“It's only love and that is all. Why should I feel the way I do?”

[harrisonarchive]

Celebrating going to No. 1 in the U.S. charts with a pillow fight, January 1964. Photos by Harry Benson.

“One of The Beatles — George, I think — was on the phone to some fan who managed to get a call through to them, and John hit him with a pillow. I said, ‘Do you do this often?’ And they said, ‘All the time.’ But I waited and didn’t do anything about it at the time. I waited for the right moment and it came a few days later. After one of the Paris shows at the Olympia, [Brian] Epstein came in at 3 AM to tell them ‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’ was the number one song in America and they would be going there for the Ed Sullivan Show and their first American tour. When Epstein left the room I knew it was time. I said, ‘How about a pillow fight?’ They were caged up after each of the performances they gave at the Olympia, so there was a violent energy in them — this tremendous energy that had to be let out. They needed a way to let off steam. […] The pillow fight became quite rough. They all seemed to take pleasure in hitting Paul. Paul was acting a bit superior so they really enjoyed giving it to him and he definitely got the worst of it. They all really enjoyed it. It was quite funny and it went on for a long time because they were enjoying it so much. They were so excited and happy about coming to America.” - Harry Benson, The Beatles In The Beginning (1993) “It was such a buzz to find that it [‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’] had gone to Number One. […] It was a great feeling because we were booked to go to America directly after the Paris trip, so it was handy to have a Number One. […] We did have three records out in America before this one. The others were on two different labels. It was only after all the publicity and the Beatlemania in Europe that Capitol Records decided, ‘Oh, we will have them.’ They put out ‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’ as our first single, but in fact it was our fourth.” - George Harrison, The Beatles Anthology (2000) (x)

[musicalcastingideas]

Dropout Does The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals

So my theory about overlap of Dropout and Team Starkid seems to be accurate, and people seemed to like my Dropout does Nerdy Prudes Must Die post, so I'm back for another. Same method and criteria as my previous post, you can go see that if you want to know what they are. Also, I have previously done a similar list with Internet Personalities that included a handful of Dropout people, but I'm gonna try to make this one different.

Also spoilers for potentially anything in the Hatchetfield verse

Paul: Ross Bryant

Ross is a great straight man (in the comedy sense, I don't know his sexuality) while being very funny in his own right, and I think, while Paul has a lot of his own funny moments, it's very important that his character is also the more normal guy reacting to the madness around him. Also, he would slay the Jekyll and Hyde homage that is Let it Out.

Emma : Siobhan Thompson

I think one of the essential parts of Emma's character is an underlying exhaustion with the world, and that is very Adaine Abernant and Ruby Rocks, so I think Siobhan would embody that very well.

Charlotte: Vic Michaelis

I don't think I've ever heard them do a transatlantic accent before, but I just have this gut feeling they'd be so good at it.

Ted: Ify Nwadiwe

While I do genuinely think Ify would be great in the part, if I'm being fully honest, this casting is because I (despite my better judgment) find Ted Spankoffski hot, so casting arguably the hottest man in Dropout in this part makes me seem less damaged for being attracted to the self-proclaimed sleazeball. Also him and Vic seem like they would be great playing off each other.

Bill: Brian "Murph" Murphy

He just has "refuses to drink during the apocalypse so he can be the DD" energy.

Mr Davidson: Brian David Gilbert

Since I'm splitting up all the parts, this basically turns Mr Davidson into a Princess Track where the actor just shows up, sings about desire and being choked while he jerks off, but laments how he can never achieve his dreams, and then pretty much leaves, and I don't know why, but that seems right up BDG's alley.

Melissa: Lisa Gilroy

Lisa Gilroy seems nice, but also kinda scares me, and those are the correct vibes for Melissa (#heymelissacore)

Sam: Jacob Wysoki

My only concern about this casting is that he'd go SO HARD in You Tied Up My Heart that he would keep breaking the handcuffs and/or chair, but that's fine, it would be worth it.

Nora: Katie Marovitch

The "Decaf?" parts of Cup of Roasted Coffee already sounds a bit like her TBH.

Zoey: Rehka Shankar

I feel like Zoey is such an underrated, funny side character in the show (I know she's a very small part, but like every line she has is a banger) and I feel like Rehka is a very underrated performer, so this is a good match.

Greenpeace Girl: Persephone Valentine

Making up the Save the Sea Turtles campaign is such a Sam Nightengale move, and also she would eat up Lah Dee Dah Dah Day.

Alice: Surena Marie

She's got a bit of a baby face (I thought she was like 25) and I think she would handle the change from Alice to Hivemind Alice really well.

Deb: Emily Axford

I'm definitely not just casting this because I want Emily to be my protective and caring girlfriend...

Professor Hidgens: Josh Ruben

I don't have an explanation for this one, this is vibes alone.

General MacNamara: Brennan Lee Mulligan

"Wear a Watch" and a song highlighting how the hivemind is essentially fascist and using the military to destroy any resistance to their regime is so Brennan core.

Homeless Man: Ally Beardlsey

I just feel like this is the part they'd want.

Dan Reynolds: Lou Wilson

Icons play Icons.

Donna: Aabria Iyengar

Icons play Icons

Hard Cuts:

Jacob Wysoki as Ted

Mike Trapp as Paul

Emily Axford as Emma

Jess Ross as Charlotte

Lily Du as Zoey

Grant O'Brien as Professor Hidgens

Grant O'Brien as Ted

Ally Beardlsey as Ted

[robin374]

hello! I wanted to request some headcanons for the mercs (if yo don't wanna write for the nine of them it could be only heavy, medic, pyro & sniper)

So, I don't know if you've seen Gnomeo & Juliet? If you haven't, in the first movie there's a beautiful scene when they both met without knowing they're from the different colour and the iconic song with it is "hello hello" with lady gaga and Elton John.

SO, I made this introduction to request the (RED mercs) meeting the reader (fem, if possible) without knowing she's from the BLU team, and basically with the trope "love at first sight" and how it continues is really up to you!!

Sorry for bothering and thank you in advance, ♡♡

Love at first sight

Characters: Heavy, Pyro & Sniper

Notes: Romantic and lots of fluff. Edit: I FORGOT MEDIC SORRY

It's funny because the first time you saw eachother was at a forest fire. Suprisingly they didn't start it. They were having a walk around and saw a blinding light, it had a lot of different colours and there were bubbles everywhere.

Seeing that it was a entertaining scenery to see, they decided to get a closer look to the 'party'. For him, people around were laughing and dancing, they joined happily to the dances.

However, in reality, people were running away from the fire and coughing and crying. Strange, right?

You got caught between two logs of burnt trees. You were already accpeting your destiny when they appeared laughing while looking at you. You frowned, were they laughing at you? Or were they just happy to see that you were alive?

None of that, they were just laughing because in his pyrovision, you were caught against your will by an evil dragon. They were the knight that could save, this was their moment to prove you that they were worthy of your hand.

They easily took the logs out and took you bridal style out of the fire. You were so confused and felt so much pain that you didn't have any choice that to let them do whatever they were thinking about. They saved you live after all.

The next time you saw each other was in the battlefield, and instead of burning you to bits, they hugged you and 'saved' you from your own teammates. Now, everytime you see them in battlefield they keep scolding you for hanging out with such dangerous people. You should be more careful!

This happened on the only day that he decided to go out to town. He never leaves the base, only for important missions that Miss Pauling gives him. However, he decided to take a look at the town's library. He had been wanting to read something these days, but he didn't find time for it. Now that it was ceasefire day, he decided to go and see if there was something interesting.

You, on the other hand, went to the library to see if they had finally brought the book you have been wanting for weeks. You always asked the librarian but he was an old grumpy and mean man. You still think that he should adopt a cat or something, that would definitely make him happier.

You walked straight to the aisle where the book should be. Then, you saw it. Finally! You could read one of Dostoyevsky's books. However, the moment you reached out for the book, another hand went to take it too. It much bigger than yours, almost biger than the book. You looked at the man that was next to you. You two didn't say anything, until he talked. He asked you if you enjoyed Russian literature, you answered him a smile, and tld him that you had been wanting to read some of the recommended books.

"Shh!" The old man interrumpted the conversation that you two were having, Heavy guided you out of the library and told you that he would let you some of his books. He never let anyone his books, mostly Medic, but it was because they shared their books. He felt something warm in his cold little heart, the same feeling he felt whenever he was with his gun Sasha.

The next time you saw each other in battlefield. You had been launched up to the sky by Pyro and now you were falling in high speed towards him. He wasn't aware of that though, he was too occupied eating a sandwich to recover from a fight with the enemy Demoman. You screamed you were going to take advantage of the force you were having thanks to gravity and strike his head with your melee weapon. He finally noticed this and took a step to the side making you fall face first to the floor. After the dust cloud dissapeared, he took you from the ankle and lifted you. "Hi..." You innocently smiled while shaking you hand. "You read Heavy's book?" He asked you, still not processing that you were an enemy. You nodded, and made a comment about the book. Then, he took out his shotgun and threatened you with it. "There's one of you teammates near us, just play along."

Now the two of you have a sandwich break every battlefield.

He doesn't usually talk to strangers that are suspiciously in the road. But the moment he saw you with your mountain bike broken he didn't think much about it.

"You okay?" He asked you while he lowered the window. You looked at him, a man in a van. He surely wasn't dangerous, right? "Yes... My bike broke when I was returning home... Shit-ass bike..." You murmured. He laughed and got out of his van. "Let me help you." He said while taking the bike, it sure was broken. The wheel was punctured and the breaks were torn out. He put the bike inside the van and drove you to your home, which casually was near Teufort.

He nervously offered to accompany you to the bike workshop. The thing is that he didn't know that you had your own little workshop in your home. So, as a thank you you invited him to a cafe.

The next time you saw him was when you were returning from a mission that Miss Pauling gave you. You were still in your BLU uniform and was entering you base, until someone shoot you next to you foot, you looked up to see where it came from. Someone whistled and you saw Sniper in the RED base's roof. He left his rifle to the side and greeted you with his hand. You greeted him back and made a mental note to give him a visit next battle.

[stardust-sunset]

darry headcanons

h...please.....

Of course!!

tw for suicide mention at the very end)

He’s a really good woodworker. He used to make tiny wooden figures for his brothers and parents

He was kinda the golden child for a bit-not exactly in a bad way, but he was smart and athletic and he would be the one his parents would brag about

He almost lost it when he heard from Soda that a teacher had been comparing Soda to him. He was livid.

His second job is a daycare worker and a lot of people judge him for it because he’s a man (he has a soft spot for kids

Sometimes when Soda and Pony are arguing he’ll just clunk their heads together

He’s lactose intolerant (Darry can’t have dairy 😞)

He didn’t lay a hand on Pony for a good few months after the book and kinda flinched whenever Pony went to hug him because he was terrified of hurting him

He actively makes an effort to listen more to Pony after the book

The reason Darry and Paul fell off was because after their parents died Paul thought it would be funny to prank Darry by waiting at the train tracks with flashlights with a few other people and they held flashlights up to look like train lights (Pont and Soda were with him) and Darry nearly cracked into a ditch.

Hes a dog person and lowkey kinda wants a german shepherd or something

The reason he started going to the gym was because he kinda had a rebellious teenage phase and he realized he was just kinda angry and he wanted to work it out

Darry was actually really popular in school and he keeps his Bou of the Year award (and was honestly probably voted prom king too)

He’s REALLY good at singing country songs (Brent Comer I see you!

When he read Pony’s recollection of him he nearly had a breakdown because he realized how stoic and hard he seemed

He hates being called Darrel because that was his father and hearing it reminds him of his father and it upsets him to no end

He takes the longest showers, like half the time he just stands there and thinks

When he first got into working out he had extreme body dysmorphia and constantly tracked what he ate. Pony and Soda had to help him out of it after their parents died

He has a kinda hefty accent especially when he’s upset

He often thinks Pony and Soda would be better without him and this led to very…bad thoughts.

The only way to really break him is by giving him a big hug and he’ll just break down.

Hell subconsciously clutch his brothers’ hands when he feels like they’re in danger because he’s scared he’s gonna lose them

He often skipped meals in favor of Pony and Soda and only stopped when he passed out on the roof he was working on and broke his arm

His dad taught him to play guitar and he could play it really well actually. He stopped when their parents died because it hurt too much.

He cries himself to sleep a lot tbh-his brothers only found out because they were cuddle piling him and he just started crying because he thought they were asleep. They don’t let him be alone at night after that.

Pony was valedictorian and he was so incredibly happy for him and cried at his speech because he mentioned how much he needed to thank Darry for his success (Pony also got a buttload of scholarships and Darry was beyond the moon)

Hes really good at fishing because he went with his dad a lot

He kills them with his bare hands though. He literally punches its skull in.

He had a high school sweetheart actually but they broke up when his parents died (it was a clean one though)

He sleeps on his back and then wonders why it hurts so bad

He loves getting his back rubbed honestly. Someone should take him to a chiropractor

He cracks his knuckles a lot

His eyes are fucking scary like catch him in the sunlight and it’s like when a cat is in the dark and gets a flashlight in their eyes

He started drinking beer after his parents died. Then he kinda turned to harder stuff. He was quick to shut it down honestly.

He gets hangry. Like he will snap at just about anyone and anything

Hes tried to off himself once. Long and Soda caught him evacsue he was drunk off his ass and missed and they were absolutely horrified

Thanks for the ask!! Hope you like the angsty ones!

[flowersinthegrocerystore]

OKAY SO I wasn't able to watch IWTV when it first came because I didn't have the time/money, but I just watched the first episode. Without further ado: here were all my thoughts

AUGH IM SO EXCITED

Paul 🙁

Omg I can’t wait for Armand this season

Claudia I’m free any day any time 

The odyssey of recollection I like that

Lmao Daniel calling himself a whore

Armand you sneaky bitch 

Okay here we go

The red sky intro I’m obsessed

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

On god let’s go

I love claudia 

Creepy start let’s go

Love the page turning sound affects

My girl Claudia I love her I love her I love her I lover her 

Ohhhh wait is this the holocaust

Ohhhh

OH

Hey Louis 

You look so depressed babygirl 

Armand stop being like that 

Lmao Daniel you petty bitch

They’re already fighting I love them

Intriguing. And disregarding! 

Did I mention how much I love Claudia

What an icon

I’d wanna explore some abandoned buildings with her

They both look miserable damn

Louis being constantly cold because he’s more human than she is

He’s so fucking alone stop not him talking to himself

I wanna be a historian. A deranged geologist or anthropologist

“It’s dead” shocking info Louis

DEAD WEIGHT MY GOD

Daniel just sitting there chewing while he suffers

Real Rashid is so fucking funny

Unworthy damn Armand

DISREGARD 

I hate them I want them to make out

OOh creepy

Love the vibes

Lestat you drama queen I missed you

The love in his eyes is insane

His voice with nobody there damn I love it 

Obsessed with Louis’ soft apology and Lestat just continuing on like nothing happened

His fear but the chin hold and the I’m gonna kill you

This is love this is love I want them I want to be them

Why the fuck are they shooting graves

Why everyone quiet 

Oh they think louis is hot lol 

God will forget when you die. Preach lady

Something’s wrong what 

There’s gaps in his memory. HIS MEMORY’S WRONG

Or Claudia’s wrong? 

Armand why are you looking like that

The tension in the room is crazy

Daniel smirking he knows what’s happening 

Armand what are you doing

Creepy song with children let's go

Claudia knocking a child over!

So glad I read the book and I know what’s happening

This would have scared the fuck out of me 

Edith Piaf it’s giving la vie en rose it’s giving Izzy Hands

Does red mean communist? 

Oh

Louis’ drunk. Don’t be drunk king. 

Oh he’s deductive damn 

Claudia’s so excited 🙁

Fighting like siblings

Adam and Eve of the damned- oh like the king and queen? ENKIL AND AKASHA MENTIONED

Louis looks so tormented my baby

What is happening what is happening why is he crying why

LOUIS??? 

Daniel looks so devastated but he looks like he cares aw

Oh my god I love this show

Humanity is so. Uh. Fun. God I love this show

That’s a fucking catfish with teeth

Louis is such a sarcastic shit I love him 

What is that thing

Oh it’s a woman

Louis trying to help her and understand her against all odds

All those in darkness go in darkness 

All of them dead now, what about her

How has she lived

Claudia giving her blood

I don’t remember this in the book

But Claudia looks so happy!!

AND so does the woman!! 

Daciana is such a pretty name 

Oh shit…

Getting their hopes up for nothing 

Domestic couple aww Louis and armand 

Why is Louis asking permission…

They’re both cute and vaguely unsettling

The silence is so comfortable but also tense

Armand misses the boy from san francisco??? 

But why do they want to do this. What’s the deal

What is happening why does he want him enthralled what’s his plan

Daniel does not give af lmao the whistling

My man didn’t look up once

So fellas, what’s up?? I love him 

The way they’re so possessive of each other! The little touches and the hand holding. The stares that Daniel is so disgusted by I’m screaming

“We’ll get to you” KILL HIM DANIEL

Claudia looks so small :(

Louis and his talk of death is so relatable

But his HOPE. His HOPE. I’m killing myself. 

If you were the last vampire on earth it would be enough!!

AHH THE CUT TO LESTAT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD 

YOU AND ME AND IT’S LESTAT BUT IT’S ACTUALLY CLAUDIA

CLAUDIA’S FACE. SHE KNOWS. SHE KNOWS. 

Oh the next episode is about to be soooo good

This was so good I’m killing myself

Why did it feel so short?? 

I’m saving the rest for later but OH MY FUCKING GOD.

[dumbistsmartass]

saying something about every hatchetfield production

spoilers, some nonsense, zero consistency with what I talk about, hurriedly written text, and back Cinderella’s Castle, QUICKLY, the kickstarter ends on May 4th. Also I mostly won’t be talking about the message to take away from all of them because I plan to make that another post.

TGWDLM: the catalyst of it all, it set up many fan favorite characters. Also my personal interpretation is that the musical we watch is actually happening in canon and is being put on by Pokky/Paul. Also how much of someone’s personality remain after infection?

Black Friday: it does pretty good as our first (true) intro to the LiBs it works very well. We get more General Macnmara who quickly becomes one of my favs. It also adds a lot of my other favs to the Hatchetverse, Hanna, Lex, Ethan, and Tom

NPMD: probably my favorite of the mainline musicals. I really hate Dirty Girl tho. The musical version of Hatchet Town is better than the OST version. The characters all have really good chemistry. I love Grace as a warning about the consequences of using religion as a fear tactic, when she sinned and wasn’t instantly punished for it she decided to take matters into her own hands and became a bloodthirsty maniac. The fact we got so close to a good ending if Max hadn’t fallen is darkly funny.

Hatchetfield Apeman: I don’t know how to feel about this one, it’s an interesting story but I think shouldn’t have been the first nightmare time story as it set a bad precedent for a lot of people.

Watcher World: I FUCKING LOVE WATCHER WORLD. The horror buildup of “what the fuck is happening here?” was genuinely amazing. The idea of a paranormal amusement part made for the amusement of an elder god id so cool. I feel uncomfortable saying the work “Sniglet”

Forever and always: one of my favs, the mystery of the two Emma’s is amazing, and the twist of which Emma Paul chose is amazing. It does make me wonder tho, is Emma a robot in every timeline? Also im just gonna assume that Tinky is connected to this one.

Time Bastered: another of my favs, the way it connects with FaA and the very clever time travel writing were highlights. The Ted is The Homeless Guy twist is really clever, and the ending is tragic

Jane’s a Car: holy shit my opinions on this one is so mixed. I love the bonding of Becky, Tom, and Tim is so wholesome. I REALLY hate that scene. Also is Jane turned into a car in every universe?

The Witch in the Web: our true into too Webby. Massive lore dumbs sort of weighted it down for me but it was still good.

Honey Queen: god I love this one. The fact that the LiBs aren’t mentioned until the very end was a really good choice. Both Zoey and Linda going to any length to win was some great tension.

Perky’s Buds: I went into this one expecting it to be kinda mid, and I was right but it was on the high end of mid. Ziggy being NB and played by a real NB actor is great! The bird hive mind is genuinely kinda unnerving despite how cute they are. I personally think they should have died, then content on the rooftop with the fire would have been such a good ending, but the police showing up to arrest them packs less of a punch.

Abstinence Camp: again, one of my favs, I fucking love this one and it also has the best Nightmare Timr song. It’s a fun way of exploring the “if you have sex in a horror movie you die” trope. Grace once again gets some sort of power and abuses it.

Daddy: I have mixed feelings, it’s a genuinely interesting plot but it get pretty uncomfortable. The song at the start made me think it would be a more empathetic take on Sherman Young but it definitely fucking wasn’t.

Killer Track: what is there to say? Killer track is actually so fucking amazing, if you will watch anything from this list watch this. I’m saying nothing else

Yellow Jacket: not at all what I was expecting, but it was great! From what I heard I was sort of expecting a high school drama with Pokky doing his bullshit in the background, but I loved this too. Also the ending hurt me.

Workin’ Boys: Pokky strikes again, but I’m not sure why TBH. Motherfucker just decided to fuck with his one most loyal subject and for what?

[foreos]

The Muppets Present: The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals

based on @the-muppets-present. saw their rule list and felt inspired. might do the other hatchetfield shows later if i feel so inclined :)

i just felt like the story of “average office worker who hates musicals gets trapped in a musical” was just begging to be muppetified.

so, without further ado,

ted- guys i went through so many options for ted. it was immediately hard. eventually i decided on rizzo, because i feel like similarly to ted, he’s kind of an asshole that causes problems for himself and everyone around him. plus, the “kick my head!” scene is even funnier if ted is like. one foot tall.

bill- kermit. i think kermit can and should be a sad dad. bill is like the most earnest man in hatchetfield and the idea of kermit being deeply disappointed that his friend won’t help him reconnect with his estranged daughter because he hates musicals so much is so funny to me.

professor hidgens- gonzo. duh. camilla is alexa. gonzo is the most eccentric bitch in the cast and would 100% kill people to get his musical produced. imagine gonzo shouting “come on you bastard!” at the apocalypse. gonzo would get struck by lightning and climb out of a pile of his friends’ bodies. he just would.

charlotte- miss piggy. stay with me here. from a meta standpoint, i always find it funny when piggy plays the secondary female role in a muppet movie and gets annoyed about it in interviews. from a character standpoint, post-infection charlotte’s high energy would be great to see if it was performed by the one and only piggy. imagine miss piggy singing join us and die. imagine the beginning part. she just beats the shit out of rizzo. gonzo shoots her.

mr. davidson- fozzie. idk i just got a mental image of him putting the newspaper down like jeff blim does at the beginning of the song and then fucking. waggling his ears.

sam- this one was hard because i had to think of you tied up my heart and show me your hands. i eventually picked link hogthrob. sam’s a pig, link’s a pig, etc.

alice- janice. hear me out. it’s not just because she’s “the other girl muppet.” imagine if alice just looked at bill and went “whatever, man” and walked away. truthfully thinking more about watcher world than tgwdlm for this one.

paul- jon matteson. paul stays the same, babeyyy. i think it just adds another fucking layer to his panic because not only is everyone randomly singing around him, they’re fucking muppets. just imagine la dee dah dah day if he was surrounded by muppets. he’s just some guy in a weird situation, and just some guy he shall stay.*

emma- lauren lopez. so i am breaking the number one rule of muppetfication to keep emma the same, but there’s a method to my goddamn madness. the only person paul can relate to in hatchetfield is the one other human being. plus, again, imagine the end of inevitable with emma screaming and crying while surrounded by fucking muppets.

*so i lied. just some guy he shall not stay. when inevitable starts, you first hear paul’s voice. he’s singing, just like he does in the show. emma very quietly goes “paul?” the same way, too. but what’s different is you can’t see paul. the camera pans over.

paul is a muppet.

he’s one of the lookalike ones, like from the first two episodes of the show and the jason segel one from the 2011 muppet movie.

“paul, you’re scaring me” indeed.

[the-boney-rolls]

The Great Covid Beatles Binge, Day 2: Give My Regards to Broad Street

Hoo boy, here we go!

OK so we open with a stern/bored looking Paul stuck in traffic in the rain and it looks like he's spacing out... hey, Paul, are you starting to daydream? Paul? Is this whole movie about to be a dream, Paul? Oh god

This silly little car! The computer, the carpet, the pool ball gear shift. It's giving the 80's car version of the Beatles house in Help! It's also giving hyper-masculine in a way that is, I'm sorry, not convincing.

This plot is already deeply inscrutable. Something about some missing tapes, a reformed criminal that Paul knows somehow and trusts for some reason, and some ominous business men. Something bad will happen at midnight if the tapes aren't found. OK!

Ringo looks so cool and hot! That vest over that sick as hell dragon shirt. Yes. This scene is genuinely funny, too -- Ringo spends the entirety of "Here, There and Everywhere" and "Yesterday" searching through his mountains of drum equipment looking for brushes, only to find them too late. Apparently, the reason for this scene is that Ringo just didn't want to re-record old Beatles songs!

And now we have Paul, Ringo, George Martin and Geoff Emerick all together in a scene! Makes me think about how George Harrison apparently was a little miffed Paul didn't just call him to ask for filmmaking advice since it was something he had experience with. What could have been!

“Wanderlust” is such a great song, actually, damn.

“I’m not a bad boy, really. I’m just — er, manipulated” John??

Now this is more like it! Surprise Linda in drag, hell yes!

I don't know why this scene is happening? It's a rehearsal for... something? But I'll take it. I love "Ballroom Dancing" and I love vaudeville Paul.

I'm starting to feel like Paul's grandpa in AHDN, "so far, I've been in a train and a room, and a car and a room, and a room and a room." Did Paul's experience on that set define what a movie is to him? "Ah yes, a movie must include lots of transportation from one location to another and then some musical scenes." But dear, it worked because there were jokes! And all four of you to play off each other.

I.......... what

This is Silly Love Songs, of all things!

Again, I don't know why this scene is happening in the context of the movie. Is it another rehearsal for something? A music video? Television special? Who knows, Yoko! But OK here we go, I sure am having fun! Linda is extremely into it. That slap bass kills. There's a Michael Jackson impersonator for some reason? Sure! It makes no sense but I love this man and his bizarre beautiful mind.

So now we're doing band rehearsal in some kind of barn? Or abandoned warehouse? Or something? All of the plot of this movie seems to happen in dialog in cars en route to some ambiguous musical engagement.

“Do you think we can get some heat in here or are we practicing to be Canadians?” God bless you, Ringo.

“Should we try Not Such a Bad Boy” “Do we have to?” “Yeah” Bossy Paul bosses around a Beatle, we love to see it.

Is this song about him or John? 

The French horn player coming in late to record "For No One," inexplicably in a bright red motorcycle helmet, so late that he’s preparing up until right before the solo starts. Reminds me of that story of Ringo recording Hey Jude. But it also feels very symbolic of something. There are so many odd inscrutable details in this movie, it could almost be Lynchian in someone else's hands.

“We’re running, and running out of time too” It feels meaningful but I don't know how.

Hello Mr. Darcy! Wow, can I have an entire movie that’s just this Victorian dream sequence? Can we go back in time and do a Beatles movie period piece, please??

The strings in this which are inspired by but are not quite "Eleanor Rigby" are lovely. Apparently this whole sequence is called "Eleanor's Dream," which implies that Paul is Eleanor. Make of that what you will, I suppose.

I like that Linda is a pants-wearing photographer in this period scene. Linda's gotta Linda.

This strikes me as very Evil Beatles. Again, make of that what you will.

Barbara and Linda are acting the HELL out of this going over the waterfall scene damn.

I don't know, I could screen grab this entire segment, it's amazing, it's insane.

But I can't gloss over Paul being horny for Ghost Horse Girl Linda. Incredible.

"That’s it you’re finished. What are you gonna do now?" Well ok at least this one is pretty obviously a reference to the critical reception of his career after the Beatles and again after John.

"Uncle Jim" Ok so I guess this is supposed to be his dad, but what is the point of this scene? And why the monkey? The further I get into this film the more I feel like I am looking deep into this man's psyche but through the murkiest of windows. I'm here for the weird dream symbolism, Paul, but if you're gonna go that route, again go full Lynch and get even weirder.

Just the straight up original recording of "Band on the Run" feels out of place with all these re-records. I wonder why that choice.

His car license plate is "PM 1" That's right, baby, you're number 1.

Another little cute but inconsequential day dream (presumably within the dream that is this entire movie). He looks like Roy Orbison here.

Oh ok Harry was just locked in a cupboard this whole time. So the whole "plot" was pointless. Cool cool cool.

Paul and Harry being giddy and laughing together is cute though, and it makes me wish that that relationship was fleshed out more. Who are they to each other, exactly??

Yup it was all a dream. Love it, love that for us. Thanks, Paul.

OK so this was definitely barely a movie. There could have been something here, but I'll go back to what I said above -- I wish he'd gone weirder with the whole thing! And I wish Paul himself had been weirder. The character Paul is kind of a dud, just plodding along from place to place and only coming alive when he performs. It's like that Hawaiian shirt is supposed to be a stand in for characterization. But worth it for the music video scenes and for getting a tiny glimpse into Paul's psyche.

[japage3moondog]

the beatles on tour hc's

john lennon

john insists you go on tour with the band, he'll practically drag you onto the plane. he wants you as close to him as possible at all times, if he could have you on stage with him he would.

when he's packing he gets you to pick out your favourite guitar from his collection and that's the one he plays at every set. he also makes sure your favourite songs are on each set list if he can help it.

paul macca

he makes sure you are 100% prepared for the tour and you know exactly what to expect. he writes out itineraries for you with little love notes at the bottom. it's really hard to be able to go out together so he puts all his love into organising the days you can't see each other.

he will purposely pack either matching or coordinating outfits with you for every day. if you ever have to buy clothes on the trip, he will come with you and he will buy the same thing in his size, no matter what.

george harrison

he ensures you sit somewhere visible to him at every show because seeing you soothes his nerves, especially since he's playing to thousands of people. if you're in the wings, he's constantly looking over at you.

he loves being able to travel with you. visiting new places is one of his favourite parts of his job and he loves being able to share that with you. even if most of the tours are just the same 20 cities in the US. if he can he weasels your home town into the tour.

ringo starr

he lets you sit in his lap on planes when you don't need seatbelts on. especially if you have a fear of flying or if you're just nervous, he'll hold your hand or try to get seats that are more private. if it's a long flight and it's not too crowded he'll sing to you.

buys you a souvenir from every city. you more key chains then you do keys at this point. sometimes, he'll buy post cards and write you these really elaborate letters on them and hand them to you in person even if you're only spending a couple hours apart.

all together now

their riders always include something for you. like your favourite sweets or a bouquet of flowers. one time you showed up to the green room to find their usual demands and a pair of skimpy underwear. needless to say brian now double checks every rider for any funny business.

because of how intense fans get, it was a battle to get you to be able to come on tour. your boyfriend (whichever bug it may be) threatened to back out of the tour if you weren't allowed to tag along. your relationship is still kept private tho.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael Before Midnight: "Houdini" by Eminem

Eminem is one of the most controversial rappers of all time, and this reputation isn’t entirely undeserved. I mean, the man has an entire song that’s just six straight minutes of him acting out violently murdering his ex. Uncontroversial artists do not make songs like that. But I think people do give him a lot of shit and really try to underplay his genuine talent too, mainly because of how a lot of his work just hasn’t aged great.

You have to understand the time and place Em rose out of. The 90s was all about being nasty and politically incorrect, and the rap scene reflected that. The rise of gangster rap had guys talking about how cool the thug life was, and there were all sorts of vulgar tunes being cranked out (“Pregnant Pussy” is from the 90s, if that tells you anything). As a white boy in a cutthroat industry where black men are the kings being taken under the wing of the man who produced “Fuck tha Police,” Marshall Mathers really wasn’t gonna do anything other than assimilate into the culture of the time to survive. And it worked; he’s pretty much the only white rapper besides maybe the Beastie Boys who has kept a long and generally well-liked career. He played by the rules, made sure to acknowledge his place, kept his ego in check outside his songs, collaborated with the right people, and boom! Rap has its token white boy.

But the edgy violent white boy schtick that made Slim Shady so funny and… “endearing” back in the day is not really something people like in 2024. Since the 90s, edgy white boys like the Slim character have shot up schools, sexually assaulted women and gotten away with it, openly supported fascism, and whined about queer people and black people being in Star Wars. No one fucking likes a Slim because they’ve been ruining our world for a while now, so this character who was once a beloved aspect of Em’s career just doesn’t sit right with the people of today. Add onto the fact that he’s a middle aged man, and he can’t just be doing the same crap all these years later without looking like the cringiest man alive, a rapping Elon Musk. With all that, and the fact his upcoming album is called The Death of Slim Shady, you’d think maybe he’d drop a single to showcase how he’s evolved over his career, how his sobriety and fatherhood have changed him, and how the Slim persona is well and truly in the past.

Instead he released “Houdini.”

For better or for worse, this is a return to that classic late 90s/early 2000s Slim style, with everything that implies. Get ready for lots of references, offensive jokes, and more, cuz I’m going line by line to talk about the content of Slim Shady’s final comeback. And while I am going to analyze some of the lamer and more questionable jokes, I want to make it clear that I understand the Slim character is satirical and whatever. I'm not fucking dumb, and I've been listening to Eminem for 24 years now. Being satire is not an excuse to be unfunny.

After an ominous skit where Em’s manager Paul Rosenberg tells him he’s own his own for this album, we have an intro to kick the song off:

Guess who’s back, back again? Shady’s back, tell a friend Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back? Guess who’s back? (Da-da-da, da, da, da, da, da, da) (Da-da-da, da, da, da, da)

As should be obvious to anyone with a passing knowledge of Eminem, this is a reuse of the intro of his classic “Without Me.” This is a double-edged sword; on the one hand, it is a fun little callback to his earlier career and helps once more establish that he’s bringing it like he did back then. But on the other hand, you’re reminding the audience of one of your best songs right off off the bat, so if this one doesn’t live up to that, you’re in for a world of hurt.

Now’s also a good time to mention that the song heavily samples “Abracadabra” by the Steve Miller Band. From what I’ve gathered, a lot of people find that song unbelievably corny… but that’s why I love it. And I mean, the song’s called “Houdini,” so why not sample the massive smash hit song that’s named after the famous magic words? Again, for me at least, sampling a song I already love means you’re gonna have to really kick it into high gear to make me want to listen to yours over what you’re sampling. There’s about a million songs that sample “When the Levee Breaks,” but how many of those do you think I’m putting on over Led Zeppelin, y’know?

Well, look what the stork brung (What?) Little baby devil with the forked tongue And it's stickin' out, yeah, like a sore thumb (Bleh) With a forehead that it grew horns from (Look) Still a white jerk (It's him), pullin' up in a Chrysler to the cypher With the Vics, Percs and a Bud Light shirt Lyrical technician (Yeah), an electrician (Yeah) Y'all light work (Haha) And I don't gotta play pretend, it's you I make believe (What?) And you know I'm here to stay 'cause me (Why?) If I was to ever take a leave (What?) It would be aspirin' to break a feve' (Yeah)

So far it’s been pretty solid. It’s pretty clear Em’s still got it, great flow, delivery, subtle nods to his past work, boasts about his skills, talking about how he started from the bottom… It’s nothing really groundbreaking, but it’s at least continuing the idea that Slim is back, baby! I sure hope he doesn’t derail his momentum in the next couple of lines with a stupid, cringeworthy jab at a woman who literally never did anything to him!

If I was to ask for Megan Thee (What?) Stallion if she would collab with me Would I really have a shot at a feat? (Haha) I don't know, but I'm glad to be back like

So a little context here, for those not in the know: In 2022, rapper Megan Thee Stallion accused fellow rapper Tory Lanez of shooting at her feet and saying, “Dance, bitch, dance” like he’s a comic book mobster. The case was taken to court, where Lanez was found guilty and then sentenced to up to 22 years in jail. Now, the two have shouted out each other before—Em interpolataed the hook of Megan’s song “Body” in 2021’s “Killer (Remix),” while Megan referenced “The Real Slim Shady” on her feature on Lil Nas X’s “DOLLA SIN SLIME”--but I’m not really sure the two are close to the point where it’s cool for Em to jokingly reference the time some psychopath acted like a Batman villain to her. The fact Megan’s 2024 diss track “Hiss” referenced Mariah Carey’s “Obsessed,” which was about Eminem, does make me side-eye this bar.

But hey, one corny, cringey joke is whatever. Let’s see how the rest of the song goes:

Abra-abracadabra (And for my last trick) I'm 'bout to reach in my bag, bruh (Like) Abra-abracadabra (And for my last trick, poof) Just like that and I'm back, bro

So this is the chorus, and I have to say it’s incredibly lazy and boring. It’s just an Eminem-themed parody of the original chorus, and it’s not especially interesting. That being said, by token of being a chorus of a song I already like just with lyrical alterations, I don’t think it’s bad either. I just expect a little more cleverness from Eminem.

Now, back in the days of old me (When?) Right around the time I became a dope fiend (Oh) Ate some codeine as a way of coping (Mm) Taste of opiates, case of O.E. Turned me into smiley face emoji (Woo)

Here, now we’re back on track! Em is reflecting on his old self and talking about his drug-addled early career! Surely he’ll stay the course here and dig deep into his manic persona that was partly created by his addictions, and not veer off into alt-right talking points and child abuse jokes!

My shit may not be age-appropriate But I will hit an eight-year-old in the face with a participation trophy 'Cause I have zero doubts That this whole world's 'bout To turn into some girl scouts That censorship bureau's out to (Shut me down) So when I started this verse It did start off lighthearted at first (Hmm) But it feels like I'm targeted

Hoo boy, we’re whining about how “sensitive” the world is becoming and how censorship is coming to get you! Eminem is going full boomer now. But hey, maybe he has a point! You can’t sing songs where you violently murder the mother of your child and then abduct said child anymore, because of woke. You can’t rap about mass shootings right after they happen either, also because of woke. Whatever, grandpa. Let’s see if you have anything of actual substance.

Mind-bogglin' how my profit has skyrocketed Look what I pocketed Yeah, the shit is just like y'all had been light joggin', and I've been runnin' at full speed And that's why I'm ahead like my noggin', and I'm the fight y'all get in When you debate who the best, but opps, I'm white chalkin' when I step up to that mic, cock it then "Oh my God, it's him! Not again!"

Just some pre-chorus boasting topped off with a throwback to his song “As the World Turns.” It doesn’t completely erase the bad taste of his whiny boomerisms out of your mouth, but it’s at least something.

Sometimes, I wonder what the old me'd say (If what?) If he could see the way shit is today (Look at this shit, man) He'd probably say that everything is gay (Like happy) What's my name? What's my name? (Slim Shady)

Em’s had a long, troubled reputation with queerness. He came under a lot of fire for homophobia back in the day, but then his friendship with Elton John happened. There’s also his brief appearance in the Seth Rogen movie The Interview, where he plays himself as a closeted gay man. Even still, he’s often used queerness as jokes in his songs, mainly as an attempt to emasculate his opponents (something he even did to an actual queer rapper, Tyler the Creator). As a bisexual man myself, I do find it tasteless in general, but in the context of this song I thing it’s ok. Like yeah, the homophobic crackhead Slim Shady persona would call the world we live in gay. The line still feels a little weird, though; is the Slim persona actually singing this song, or is this Em reflecting on the Slim persona? It kind of muddies the water, and makes it hard to figure just how seriously we’re supposed to be taking everything here.

So how many little kids still wanna act like me? (Haha) I'm a bigger prick than cacti be (Yeah) And that's why these (What?) Words sting just like you were being attacked by bees (Bzz) In the coupe, leaning back my seat (What?) Bumpin' R. Kelly's favorite group (Uh), the black guy (Guy) pees (Pees, haha) In my Air Max 90s White Ts, walkin' parental advisory

Verse three starts off pretty good! The R. Kelly joke is extremely juvenile and crass, but that’s the sort of thing I enjoy from Slim. It may be low-hanging fruit, but that’s the fruit you wanna grab the most. Now what wacky sort of humor is Slim going to bring to this verse next? Surely he won’t make some incredibly stupid and corny joke that isn’t funny in the slightest and derails the whole song!

My transgender cat's Siamese (Why?) Identifies as black, but acts Chinese (Haha)

According to Genius, this line might actually be a reference to a Dave Chapelle bit from 2019’s Sticks & Stones. If that’s the case, I really don’t need to say much more. There’s no way to read this line in anything other than the worst possible light.

Like a motherfuckin' Hacky Sack, I treat (What?) The whole world 'cause I got it at my feet (Yeah) How can I explain to you (What?) That even myself I'm a danger to? (Yeah) I hop on tracks like a kangaroo And say a few things or two to anger you

So he does openly admit he says fucked up stuff to get a rise out of people. Going in to the song, I knew this. The guy’s a provocateur, it’s what he does, and the Slim persona has always been about being as flagrantly offensive as possible. But the thing is, even the stuff here I’m taking issue with doesn’t make me mad; I’m more disappointed than anything, really. Like he has to know that times have changed and people really aren’t all in on this sort of humor anymore, right? What is the point of bringing Slim back to a world that has evolved beyond him, even if to finally kill him off? If that’s what he wanted to do he could do it without trying to showcase the dated humor. This is the musical equivalent of watching an 80s sex comedy like Porky’s or Revenge of the Nerds. Like maybe it was funny way back when, but looking back at it through a modern lens it’s just really gross and unpleasant and full of terrible messages.

But fuck that, if I think that shit, I'ma say that shit Cancel me, what? Okay, that's it Go ahead, Paul, quit, snake-ass prick You male cross dresser (Haha), fake-ass bitch And I'll probably get shit for that (Watch) But you can all suck my dick, in fact Fuck them, fuck Dre, fuck Jimmy, fuck me, fuck you Fuck my own kids, they're brats (Fuck 'em) They can screw off (Yeah), them and you all (Uh) You too, Paul (Punk), got two balls Big as RuPaul's (Woah) What you thought you saw ain't what you saw (Nah) 'Cause you're never gon' see me Caught sleepin' and see the kidnappin' never did happen Like Sherri Papini, Harry Houdini I vanish into the thin air as I'm leavin' like

The rest of the final verse, save for another tired shot at cancel culture, is fine. I might even say it’s a bit funny; I like him taking at shot at Dre, himself, everyone he’s worked with, his own kids… That part is where it is really obvious the whole thing is tongue-in-cheek, because he is by all accounts a good and loving dad. Making fun of RuPaul and Papini are fine in my book too.

So I’ve been pretty critical of this song and rather unamused by a lot of its jokes. This must mean I hate it, right? Well… no. I can’t say I love it, but I really don’t think this is awful. Trust me, I’ve heard awful Eminem and this isn’t it. “Just Lose It” and “We Made You” are light years ahead of this song in terms of awfulness. On top of that, this is also the first single off of an album that’s all about killing Slim—I don’t really have the full context. For all I know, this could be part of an overarching concept of the album, Slim’s last ride before his inevitable death, and in that regard this is definitely a perfect modern take on the classic Slim Shady song, warts and all. We just live in a world where his kind of humor doesn’t age badly, it just ends up dead on arrival more often than not.

If nothing else, it still showcases Eminem has great flow, great wit, clever writing… and that’s what he should stick to instead of making tired, unfunny boomer jokes about cancel culture and queer people just to rile people up. Hopefully that’s what the rest of the album will be like when it drops. I doubt I’m going to review every single song on it since I’m no Todd in the Shadows and my musical knowledge is very casual, but maybe I’ll give my opinions. Until that time, though, I think I’ll just listen to “Venom” again.

[beautifultypewriter]

Paul Fluff Alphabet

Requested: No

Warnings: Vampires, mentions of drugs

Full credit to whoever created this template (I still don’t actually know who that is). Gif credit to the owner. Also, I changed the prompt for letter Q from quaint to quickstep.

Well here it is. I am so in love with him it’s not even funny. This is 4K words. My longest fluff alphabet yet.Also, a huge thank you to the like 2 people who were interested in seeing this. You’re the best!

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Uh, everything. No, really though, man loves everything about you. He thinks you are the most wonderful thing he’s ever seen, and he feels so lucky to be yours. He especially loves that you’re willing to go absolutely crazy with him and get into all sorts of trouble. That spirit of yours fires him up. If you asked him what he finds the most attractive about you he’d probably wink and say something like, ‘your butt, babe.’ Just smack him in the back of the head and he’ll give you a real answer.

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

Okay, so babies are not really in the cards for you two, considering Paul’s vampire problem (and yours one day too). That being said, he would have really liked to have kids with you. He would have definitely been the fun dad. Everything would have been a good time and discipline would not have been his strong suit, so it’s probably better that the two of you don’t ever have kids. He’s okay with not ever getting to have kids with you because you’re the only family he needs (and the boys) which he makes sure to remind you of constantly. Plus, you guys have Laddie and that’s good enough for him.

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

This man loves to cuddle. He loves it. He doesn’t have a favorite position, just so long as the two of you are pressed together and his hands are on you then he’s happy. Paul is a very touchy person, so cuddling is always heaven for him. Most of your cuddling takes place in the cave. It’s just easier that way. The two of you will press up against each other on the couch, Paul’s arms immediately wrap around you. Your head on his chest, your hands holding his or wrapped around his waist, his fingertips drawing patterns on your hip, your fingers running through his hair, he loves it all. He really loves pressing his face against your neck. You smell so sweet to him, so he will take any chance he can get to nuzzle his nose against your skin. When the two of you lay down in your nest for the day, you more often than not, end up facing each other, your foreheads pressed together, your hands playing with his hair, and his arms wrapped around you. Basically, just cuddle Paul whenever you can. He loves it.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Going on dates with Paul is a lot of fun because you never know where you’re gonna end up. He has a couple of basic dates, going to the record store, hitting every ride on the boardwalk, beach dates, and bike dates, but they never end the same. He’s keeping things fresh and looking for new spots to explore. Paul is always doing the absolute most and making sure that you’re having a good time whenever the two of you go out. You ride with the boys to the boardwalk and when you get there, Paul shouts, ‘date night!’ and the two of you peel off from the others. Paul really likes record store dates because the two of you will spend hours flipping through the records and tossing covers to each other of the albums you think the other will like. Whenever a good song starts to play, Paul looks over at you and starts mouthing the words to you from across the store. If you try to hide from him when he does then he saunters over and starts actually singing to you, his arms moving to wrap around your waist. Sometimes he goes over to the store’s record player and swaps out the albums to your favorites and no one says a word to him about it. Other times, he’ll grab your hands and dance through the aisles with you.

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

Everything.

You are the love of his eternal life. You are his family, his best friend, his babe. You walked into his life, and he would die if you ever walked out of it. Paul often talks about how you are all he needs. It’s whispered quietly in the early morning light before the two of you fall asleep, while his forehead is pressed to yours and his eyes are closed. He’s smiling as he’s telling you that you are everything to him. He would be so lost without you.

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

The moment he saw you? Really, though, the moment he truly knew that he loved you and, more importantly, that you loved him was when you saw his vampire form and didn’t immediately scream and run. It was a very vulnerable moment for a not so vulnerable guy, and he was very nervous in the days leading up to his big reveal. He had told you that he had a pretty big secret that he wanted to share with you and even though you had held his hands and looked him straight in the eyes as you told him that he could tell you anything, he was nervous. He had brought you to a secluded part of the beach and in true Paul fashion, he just jumped right in and transformed. He had put plenty of space between the two of you in hopes that it would help you feel safe, and he just stood there, waiting. You had stared at him, your eyes wide and your jaw dropped, but you didn’t move, and you didn’t say anything. Paul was crawling out of his skin. The silence was killing him, and he could barely stand still, but he knew he had to for you. Then you took a shaky step closer, and he couldn’t help it, he moved closer as well. The two of you met in the middle and your shaky hands moved to rest on his cheeks. He melted into your touch, his eyes closing. He knew then that you’d never leave him and he’d never leave you.

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Yes, at certain times he is. Paul is really loud and excited, and he loves to have a good time, so things can be rushed with him and with that rushing can come some rougher movements, but it’s never intentional. He just needs to slow down and if you tell him that then he’ll take extra care to not pull you so hard on the boardwalk or to slow his bike down a bit. Paul really cares about your comfort; he just needs some guidance sometimes. That being said, he does have his moments of gentleness that are entirely him. When the two of you first wake at night, he doesn’t want to get up right away, so he pulls you closer and presses soft kisses all over your face. If you whisper to him then he’ll whisper back, his eyes still closed as you start to stir. Before you get up, he presses one last gentle kiss to your lips.

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

Whenever the two of you are at the boardwalk, he is holding your hand. Paul is a wanderer, so he likes to interlock his fingers with yours. This ensures that the two of you don’t get separated and it also makes it easier for him to drag you along when something catches his eye, which is quite often. When he gets excited about a new ride or a new shop, he’ll squeeze your hand and pull you over to check it out. He’s been known to pull your interlocked hands up to his lips and kiss your knuckles. He smirks at you whenever he does. Paul loves holding your hand, so even when the two of you stop moving, he doesn’t let go. And if he does then his arm is around your shoulders or he’s squeezing your waist. Man has to be touching you at all times.

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

Love at first sight. As soon as he saw you, he needed to know you. You were flipping through records in his favorite shop and if he had been breathing then he would have stopped right then and there. If his heart had been beating it would have sped up to an ungodly rhythm. He honestly had no idea what to do at first. Like he was so struck by you that he couldn’t just walk over and start talking to you. Marko and Dwayne had to push him over, his head was spinning. Then you looked at him and smiled and he knew. He plastered on his own charming smile and leaned against the table next to the two of you. Your smile grew bigger, and he felt a calmness wash over him and he started flirting heavily. As each second passed he moved in closer to you, that fuzzy feeling in his chest growing.

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

He really doesn’t. Because he knows that nothing compares to him. You chose to spend eternity with him, and he knows that there is nothing in the mortal world that could ever pull you away from him. He does get a little annoyed when someone continues to pursue you when it’d been made clear that you are not interested. Like don’t they see him standing there? Don’t they see his hand in your back pocket? They’re being stupid and it’s annoying him. Usually, you steer him away from the person before he can do anything crazy, but you better believe that he committed their face to memory and he will be making a meal of them later.

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

Paul’s kisses are fast and messy. Definitely full of passion too. He loves kissing you, so expect a lot of lip locking when you’re with him. He’s capable of more gentle kisses, but he gets so excited that you really can’t expect them often. He does try, okay.

He did. He’s Paul. Of course, he did. It was your second date and Paul had taken you down to the beach to enjoy a bonfire. Something told you that he hadn’t built that fire himself, but you didn’t really care. It was there and the atmosphere was too good to go around questioning things. Paul was sitting impossibly close to you in the sand, staring at the side of your face as you looked into the fire. His fingertips danced across your bare shoulder and your head snapped to him, your eyes locking with his. He flashed you a charming smile as he moved in closer to you. You stayed where you were, a small smirk gracing your lips. Paul’s smile widened as he closed the gap between you two, pressing his lips roughly to yours, teeth clashing slightly. You responded immediately, your fingers tangling in his hair and his hands moving to grip your waist tightly. You pulled back, sucking air into your lungs quickly. Paul smirked and licked your cheek before claiming your lips again.

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

Paul said it first. The two of you were on the boardwalk. Paul was sitting on one of the railings and you were standing between his legs, your elbows resting on his knees and his arms wrapped around your shoulders. He had been pressing kisses to your neck and you were trying to ignore the heat rushing to your cheeks. You whined his name and he smirked, barely pulling away, so his lips brushed your neck as he spoke, ‘come on, baby, you know you love me.’ And you rolled your eyes and snorted, shaking your head. Paul pulled back further, ‘alright, you may not love me, but I certainly love you, sugar.’ Your head snapped in his direction and although he was smirking, his eyes were genuine. You crashed your lips against his, muttering your own ‘I love you’ between kisses. Kisses that Paul was only too happy to return.

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

Look, he honestly loves every moment he spends with you, but if Paul had to pick one specific memory of the two of you it would definitely be the very first time he took you for a ride on his bike. At this point, you were still human, so you were a bit apprehensive when he straddled his bike and held his hand out to you. He could see the nervousness on your face, and he chuckled quietly, ‘come on, sugar, you know I won’t let anything happen to you.’ Your heart fluttered, he heard it, and you took his hand, letting him pull you onto the bike behind him. With a smirk, he told you to hold on tight and he immediately took off. To you it felt like you guys were going 100mph, but truthfully, Paul had been taking it slower than normal. That is until he heard your sweet laughter. With the wind whipping at your face and Paul’s maneuvering, you found yourself lost in the moment. Paul took the chance to go a bit faster and when you didn’t freak out, he went faster again. It was just the two of you and the wind and he couldn’t have been happier.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Yeah. He loves to spoil you with little trinkets that he gets with his five-finger discount. It’s never anything big or crazy, but he loves to give you gifts. You were eyeing a pair of earrings on the boardwalk? The next day you find them in your jacket pocket. You’ve been meaning to pick up a new book? Paul is tossing it to you before you can even leave the cave. Sometimes it’s just a pretty shell or some beach glass. Something pretty that he saw that he thought you would like. Your nest in the cave is filled with all manner of little charms that Paul has gifted to you.

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

Red

Bright and passionate. Whenever Paul sees the color red, which is quite often, he thinks of you. He thinks of the fun the two of you have together. He thinks of flashing lights blurring by the two of you as you ride down the boardwalk together, your arms wound tightly around his waist as his bike picks up speed. Red is fiery like you. It burns and he loves it.

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Man has got a list of pet names. The most notable ones are babe and sugar. It doesn’t stop there though; he’s calling you every name in the book. Baby, girlie, baby girl, hot stuff, he’s got so many nicknames. He almost never uses your given name (unless the situation calls for it). He just has so much fun with the pet names, especially the ones that seem to make you all flustered. Make sure you dish them back to him because he dies when you call him baby or hot stuff. Just be prepared because as soon as one of those pet names passes your lips, he’s on you. He can’t help himself.

Q = Quickstep (How do they feel about dancing?)

Paul loves to dance, and he especially loves to dance with you. He will take any chance he can get to turn the volume on the rock box all the way up and dance around with you. He doesn’t care if it disturbs everyone else in the cave, he’s doing it. Paul will also dance with you if there’s no music around. All of you will be on the boardwalk, just standing by the railings, looking for your next meal and Paul will grab your waist and start swaying with you. It earns a laugh from you and an eye roll from David every time. Paul absolutely loves it though and will pull you closer and start singing quietly in your ear as he continues to sway.

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

Rainy days are cave days. None of the boys feel like going anywhere, especially with the bikes, so you all stay in and have a good time together. Paul breaks out his rock box and immediately starts dancing with you. The other boys watch on in amusement and Marko and Dwayne each take a turn spinning you around the makeshift dance floor as Paul rolls a few joints. You all settle down at some point and Paul pulls you into his lap and you share a joint. You and David talk about books while Paul and Marko wrestle each other as the music continues to blare. At one point Laddie crawls into your lap and asks for a story. As you’re telling him some fairytale you remember from when you were a kid, Paul looks over and smiles at the two of you. Marko takes advantage of his momentary distraction and slams him to the floor, proclaiming victory. You laugh quietly as Paul jumps up and tackles his brother to the floor. Dwayne rolls his eyes, and you go back to your story. Paul eventually makes his way over and lays his head on your shoulder, listening to the end of the story. As the night winds down, Dwayne grabs a sleeping Laddie from you and Paul doesn’t hesitate to lead you over to your guys’ little nest. He turns the music off before he lays you down and wraps you up in his arms. The two of you talk quietly as the rain continues to pour outside until you fall asleep.

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Paul’s not really one to get sad. He’s too full of life and fun to ever really let feelings like sadness get to him. He has had his moments though and before you came along, his brothers usually just left him to it, knowing that he would snap himself out of it eventually and be fine. You, however, really want to help him when you notice that he seems a bit down, so you turn on the rock box and sing along at the top of your lungs, dancing around the space as he watches you. It’s not long before he’s smiling and jumping up to dance with you, pressing a hard kiss to your lips. Basically, if you want to cheer Paul up all you have to do is something crazy that he’ll want to join in on. If Paul notices that you’re not really being yourself and you seem sad then he’s going to try his hardest to cheer you up. He can’t stand to see you upset, so he’s suggesting date night or a dance session. If you agree, then he’s dragging you out and showing you the time of your life. If you’re not really feeling it, then he’s at a bit of a loss. Doing something fun and crazy always cheers him up, so he’s not really sure what to do next. At that point he’ll just sit with you and hold you because that’s all he can think of. He’s always shocked when it works.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Listen, he’s kind of a chatterbox. Like sometimes you have to yell at him to get him to shut up. It’s good though because you two are going to spend eternity together, you don’t want to run out of things to talk about. Paul can talk a mile a minute about anything. Music is probably his favorite thing to talk about honestly. Which bands rock and which ones suck, his favorite song, your favorite song, who’s a better drummer, anything to do with music. The one thing you’ve noticed that Paul refuses to talk about is his life before he became a vampire. If you ever try to get him to open up about his human life, he changes the subject. It’s a sore spot for him and he’d rather not discuss it. He does love to tell stories about the boys though. Like the time he and Marko broke a table at the local diner (like the tabletop clean in half) and had to hightail it out of there before David found out. Or about the first time they all went to that bridge. Paul has endless stories, and he loves telling them.

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Paul is definitely a really free, unconcerned person for the most part. He doesn’t let a lot of things get to him, so when he needs to relax it’s because he’s overstimulated himself with his lifestyle and he needs to take it down a bit before he flies through a wall. A smoke and cuddle session is the perfect way to bring him back down to Earth before he hurts himself. Paul will be bouncing off the walls and all you have to do is sit down on the couch and light up one of his joints. He’ll immediately hone in on you and before he even realizes it, his feet have carried him over to the couch. You smile up at him, patting the cushion beside you. He’ll flop down and take the joint from your outstretched hand, using his other hand to pull you into his lap. A few puffs later and he’s melted into the couch, his face buried in your neck and his free hand drawing shapes on your skin.

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

Oh, Paul is very proud of his hair. Can you blame him? It’s beautiful. He definitely puts a lot of care into it and it’s what people first notice about him when they see him. He loves that you love his hair too and he probably takes a little more care than usual now that you’re around. He needs his hair to be as appealing as possible because he’s just waiting for you to run your fingers through it. It’s the best feeling.

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

Paul didn’t actually propose to you or at least not in any traditional sense. When he revealed his true nature to you, and you didn’t run screaming he took it as a good sign. Then when he asked you to join him for eternity and sleep all day and party all night and you said yes, it was an even better sign. In his brain, you saying yes to becoming a vampire was you saying yes to being with him. So a few weeks after you had fully turned, he asked when you wanted to have your “wedding.” You were a little taken back, but as the question settled, you realized that his train of thought had actually made a lot of sense and you wanted to do something special to commemorate your relationship, so you guys agreed to have your ceremony the next day.

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

I was Made for Lovin’ You – KISS

The second that Paul laid eyes on you he knew. He knew that the two of you were meant to be together. He could feel it in his vampire soul. Paul is totally convinced that the two of you were made for each other. Like he didn’t believe in fate or anything like before he met you, but once he knew you, he was sure there was some kind of divine power that brought you two together. He can’t get enough of you. Also, he sings this song to you constantly and is always saying, ‘it’s our song, babe.’

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Yes, of course. Because just saying that you’re going to spend eternity together is not enough. The two of you can’t get married in the traditional sense, going down to the courthouse and getting a marriage license, but you can have your own little ceremony. This ceremony just consists of Paul grabbing both of your hands in his and pressing his forehead to yours. He calls you wifey and kisses you hard on the lips. When he pulls away, he promises to always be yours and you do the same. Then the two of you go to a tattoo shop on the boardwalk, he gets your initial on his left ring finger and you get a P on yours.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Paul definitely wants a big dog, but he is so not allowed to have one. He would be terrible at taking care of one and no matter how much you try to convince David that you’ll help, he still says no. Paul is bummed about it, but he appreciates you being on his side and trying to help him get his wish.

[folk-enjoyer]

Suggested Song

(do you want the history of your favorite folk song? dm me or submit an ask, and I'll do a full rundown like here)

"Plastic Jesus" Tia Blake, 1971

Plastic Jesus was originally written by George Cromarty and Ed Rush in 1957 and performed live in 1962 at the San Francisco State College Folk Festival, where it was recorded and released later that year in their duo band The GoldcoastSingers.

the back of their debut Album reads

"On a foggy Sunday afternoon in March of 1962, THE GOLDCOAST SINGERS clambered on stage at San Francisco State College before an unsuspecting audience of 1,000 or so. After they were introduced as the final performers at the San Francisco State Folk Festival, people in the audience mumbled, "Who?". This query was followed by shouts of "More!". The reaction was, to say the least, wild. After five encores, breathless and perspiring like pigs, they came on for one last "song," entitled "Plastic Jesus." This ode flattened the audience. All through the performance people had been walking out of the auditorium grumbling, "Mis-guided youth" and "Whippersnappers," but the finale was too much for those whose soft spots had not yet been touched. A dozen (actually twelve) marched up the aisles in righteous indignation. The remaining nine hundred some odd rose in a tremendous ovation. Fortunately that concert was taped, and this record is the product"

I think that the truth is stretched here a bit, and like with the song "Plastic Jesus," it is meant to be comedic.

This is the only album produced by The Goldcoast Singers, but George Cromarty would continue to produce music as a solo artist.

later, in 1964, the song was recorded and performed by Ernie Marrs and was mentioned in Vol. 14, no. 2 in "Sing Out! Magazine.

with Ernie Marrs being credited with writing the lyrics.

Later, in 1967, the song was featured in the movie "Cool Hand Luke", performed by Paul Newman. Interesting for taking the satirical and comedic song and reimagining it as somber. this movie is likely what popularized the song in addition to its feature in the magazine.

in 1971, Tia Blake released what is effectively her only album in France, which led to it being mostly forgotten until it was re-released in 2011. Since then, it has become more well-known. This makes me very happy because i love this album! i think all the songs on it are beautiful and wonderfully made. It's a shame she didn't record more.

I think something very interesting happened with the song, and these 4 covers effectively tell a story with how they each re-imagine it.

the original lyrics by The Goldcoast Singers are biting with satire and are funny if not a bit mean-spirited. We, as the audience, are not meant to relate with the person with the plastic Jesus bobblehead.

then, ernie marrs' version doesn't have the intro of the original duo, and shortens the lyrics a bit, but like other works that Ernie Marrs helped write like "The People are Scratching" and "What a Friend we have in Congress" (1966) and (1963)

the humor and satire are a bit more gentle and more subtle. To me, it feels like if you aren't really paying attention, you could miss it. it's comedic, but it could pretty easily be remembered as a charming fun folk song rather than a satire on Christian commercialism and a way of making fun of rednecks.

the movie version song is completely different. I'll be honest, i have not seen this movie, but it seems like this song is 1. completely genuine and devoid of sarcasm, and 2. very, very sad. the song morphs into bitter melonchy. it is the farthest thing from funny.

Tia Blake's version returns the song to its roots. kind of. Her version is certainly happy, but it's also painfully genuine. It is also the only song in her 1971 album that i would describe as happy, the rest being mournful, spooky, or full of longing. plastic Jesus is an odd choice. AND, her cover is my favorite. I think there is something beautiful and whimsical about the story presented in the song, about having so much joy come from a mundane object. Its a cheerful and hopeful song in an otherwise tragic album.

the first time i heard the song by tia blake was in a folk punk playlist. i didn't understand why it was on there at first, but i do now. there is a sort of revolutionary optimism in finding hope from the mundane in the midst of hopeless circumstances.

for @ruzqtx