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carefulfears · 1 year

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thinking about scully sitting on the floor of mulder’s apartment just holding him as he wept after his mother’s death and after she told him through tears that it’s time to stop. it’s time to stop looking for his sister.

and how she had already told him that once, seven years earlier, a month into their partnership, when she chased him out of a police station and told him to stop running after his sister because it won’t bring her back.

she called after him to just stop, because she’s the scientist, and that’s the logical conclusion that she had reached.

except later that night, he told her why he does it. that he’s been closing his eyes and walking into that room, thinking maybe, when he opens them, his sister will be there, since he was 12 years old. “every day” of his life.

and she never told him to stop again.

until seven years later, when she rocked him on the floor, and then the next day was asked “why do you want to bring all this back up now?” and answered, “someone owes it to mulder.”

so she started looking. she reopened files, she tracked down records, she went to his mother’s house to dig through the trash. she confronted CSM about what he knew, she flew to california, she held hands and prayed.

she looked at mulder and said “it hurts me to tell you this” and stayed steady in the truth anyway. she listened to him read to her about a 14-year-old girl’s pain, held his hand and told him to get some sleep. she stayed up, kept looking, and found it. “i got it, mulder. i couldn’t believe it when i saw it. it was like it was looking for me.”

the police report from when samantha ran away.

she read the hospital records, went to the home of the nurse who signed the intake report, asked him if he wanted her to go herself.

she left him by the car and walked up and knocked, asked about a patient in 1979. she listened as the nurse described how “you couldn’t forget her or how frightened she was. scared for her sweet life.” and the man who came for her, who wouldn’t put out his cigarette.

earlier the day before, she had been told to just stop. “word of advice, me to you: let it be. you know, there’s some wounds that are just too painful ever to be reopened.”

and she had responded, “this particular wound has never healed. and mulder deserves closure.”

after seven years, she knows now, that you can’t just stop chasing. she knows how heavy grief is, and she‘s seen the effects of carrying it alone. of walking into the worst night of your life every day, eyes closed, hopeful.

you can’t just stop, and you can’t really have closure, but you can help someone carry it.

and ultimately, that’s what made this the end of the road. sometimes the heaviest burden of grief is feeling that pain is all there is left of someone, and that alleviating it would be to abandon them.

scully’s right, this wound has never closed, but there’s freedom in shared remembrance and shared dedication. she doesn’t ask him to stop until he’s ready to know the truth, and she’s willing to find it. she doesn’t ask him to rest until it’s safe for him to, because it’s not forgetting samantha. she knows and she remembers.

#i’m having a tough week thank you all for your consideration #i forgot that that police report file just found her. god #these girls love mulder so much #they’re always working in tandem #it means so much esp with the death of his mother that someone else in the world just remembers #it’s mulder in the pilot saying ‘no one ever talked about it’ and how everyone just pretended she never existed #it’s the childhood photos that scully sees burnt in the trash #everyone tried to just erase her from existence so much that mulder had to dedicate his entire life to remembering her #but it’s lighter now #someone else knows #someone else knows that they spent their summers playing baseball and that they argued over the tv and that he’s looked for her #in every room that he has ever been in #someone else knows what happened to her and the horror that she suffered and how she wrote that they didn’t even treat her like a person #how she wrote that she just wishes she could see her brother’s face #sometimes that matters more than any reveal or any truth or any conspiracy #she’s going to be remembered and she’s going to be thought of and loved #even if he goes home and gets some sleep #even if he stops looking #txf.txt #closure #sein und zeit

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pkmoth · 9 days

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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself

#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated #and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it #if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place #but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself #continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone #and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner #you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter #and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault #maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life #saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do #so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time #your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going #and then at the end of your journey #you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey #the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them #is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save #so um. The Guilt is even worse now #now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control #and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad #but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally #you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful #things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be #its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma #you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch #but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander #FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it #mother 3 swap au #mothfics

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squeiky · 3 months

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METAL SONIC X CHAOS ZERO!!!

IN ALL THE CHARTS I COULD FIND!!

Some of the charts got repetitive, so i cropped it.

NOTES: there may be someee minor inconsitences as sometimes id change mind my across one chart to another.

If you want an expliantion for ANY of my choices here, please ask! I am starving for conversation about this relationship- so please please please ask my questions- or just tell me your own ideas! Idk! Communicate! Your words and thoughts are not dumb!! They are very important to me and must be shared!!!

Also, some more of my thoughts + notes after the cut:

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I think my favorite charts are the first two, since the first one was pretty thourghough and easy to get whilst also including intresting and unique questions to the relatio ship dynamic. the second one i added a bit of character interaction so its really cute, and thats practically why i like.

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I particularly like the touch chart, as i really had to consider wthe physicality of these two, and the custom model was fun to make (look they're even holding hands haha). It was a bit tricky considering i had to figure out what touches where welcomed and what weren't based on previous canonical interactions, and my own theories/speculations.

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Oh, to explian the "lends clothes" and "borrows/steals clothes", i always found the neat detail of Neo Metal Sonic's wardrobe possesing a kind of.. arm warmer/bell sleeve? As well as its pants(?) Being a bell bottom.

Without the belt/butt cape, it does make metal sonics limbs somehwhat resemble the sillouette of Chaos' body, so obviously- i just figured that Chaos, if he were to wear any clothing, would probably be stolen by Metal Sonic since it already seems to be fond of that particular look that Chaos naturally has.

Oh, and Metal and Chaos being somewhat organized is due to thier jobs and enviornment they grew up in. Eggman, being the opposite of Sonics carefree, chaotic attitude, would likely prefer more cleaner, organized or "controlled" enviornments. Thus, i feel that Metal Sonic may have picked up a few tidying or cleaning habits that were a cause of eggman simply teaching or implimenting features in his bots to prefer the "clean up" of "dirty" or "messy" areas.

For chaos, i do recall reading something (perhaps on the chao wiki) of him purifying the Altars water and keeping it relatively clean from debries and such. Furthermore, having to be sole guardian of little children chao, the altar and the master emerald, requires a lot of responsibility and- if anyone has worked with children before- it can get very messy very quickly. So its mere speculation, but i do think Chaos would have picked up many cleaning habits as well, as well as cooking/harvesting skills due to him having to take care of large batches of critters.

Surprisingly, for a creature named "Chaos", the name only truely applies to the singular instance in which he is "Final Chaos" (as thats likely what the echidnas called him during and after that time.) Turns out, Chaos is way more controlled and responsible than chaotic and carefree.

So to segway, out of the two, Metal Sonic would be way more chaotic considering its nack for stirring up trouble (CD, Sonic Heroes, Chaotix.. ect) for the heroes, as well as it not really having major responsibilites outside of its purpose to "destroy sonic" and occasionally obey whatever task eggman requires of it.

Thus, is why in the driving promps, i title it "a speeder".

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To explain the "Cognito Egro Sum" (aka. I think therefore i am) and the "infinty symbol" for the ages, er.. Metal sonic is a robot, and Chaos is an immortal being. If your being technical with it, you can say they're both relatively young, considering Chaos chao can't age and are often stuck in the form they were hatched in- despite the fact that chao do infact change as they age-

One can consider the idea that Chaos, for all intensive purposes, looks and probably is pretty young- if we apply chao logic to him.

Though one will argue "but Chaos is ancient" which is true, but his case is similar to Shadow's as he was trapped in that Master emerald for... millions of years............. so, similarly to how shadow was stuck for 50 years yet remains a teenager both inside and out, Chaos- for whatever age he was before he got trapped, probably still thinks and acts like that, as well as Tikal. Except now they probably need a LOT of therapy.

^hence why i put chaos's sleeping habits as "sleeps poorly" and "sleeps to little". In hindsight, being trapped in a emerald for thousands of years, with your freind of who's father killed your entire* family and burned your house (altar) down and tried to steal your most precious item (master emerald) and being the girl whos stuck with your freind(?) who killed your entire bloodline and basically genocided your entire community- stuck with him for THOUSANDS OF YEARS- is.....is going to require a lot of therapy.

So y'know, bad sleeping problems. Also probably why i depict Chaos hugging a lot + being affectionate, since being deprived your community that is entirely reliant on the concept of "caring, loving, and nurturing one another" (cause.. the opposite of that means chao will basically die upon reincarnation), for thousands of years is... a good recipe for touch starvation and a need for attention.

^hence why chaos is also on the attention side of some charts.

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^ just conintuing off of that previous statement, i did move Chaos closer towards "extrovert" in the "extrovert or introvert" prompts, as since Chaos, unlike Metal Sonic, deals closely with many chao, and often is surrounded by a crowd of them, i do believe that Chaos would have to atleast gain some energy from social interaction in order to surivive that every day, without burning out.

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The whole "who talks more" thing is kind of funny because, technically, its metal sonic (see Sonic Heroes + Sonic Free riders) who has more lines than.. Chaos's total of zero!

Meaning that, if anything, the "he said no pickles" meme would probably mean that Metal Sonic would be at the counter whilst Chaos is sitting in the back.

Though, compared to MANY other characters, these two are practically dead-silent, and would most likely rely on non-verbal ways of affection than verbal.

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Oh and the "ethical v. Immoral thing" where i emphasized that chaos was "neutral" was because by compsring him to "chaos chao", theres a dark side, good guy side, and then neutral. Considering Chaos's history of amazingly goodwilled to horrendously incidous, one can conclude that he practically in the middle in terms of ethics or morality.

Metal sonic is definetly on the more immoral side, though i wouldnt put it all the way, as i do have considering enviornmental aspects to its behavior (such as well.. being a badnik, and being constantly exposed to eggman's immoral behaviors). So, other than like, unnesecarily abusing animal freinds in CD, and throwing a ship probably full of people at sonic (Sonic heroes) there aren't many instances in which Metal Sonic does something completely immoral and unjust- without any context regarding eggman ordering it too, or simply it just doing its job as a badnik.

However those actions are prettt bad on its own- though compared to... killing out an entire species... drowning thousands of people in a city and attempting to kill eggman with a giant laserbeam... and to whatever hyjinks eggman gets up too...

Its actions seem.. relatively small (though not obsolete.)

So like, theres not going to be many issues regarding "metal sonics gotta be a good guy"/ "i can fix him🥺" mentalities, since its kind of hard to do that, when you have a kill count of a 100+ whilst Metal Sonic is still on the "i'm needlessly harming animals, and threw a boat"...

Then again, i like to think the leiniency allows for them to work on themselves together, rather than tear eachother down or hate eachothers guts.

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Transgender - both for my headcannnon, but also a refrence to it literally going "i transformed myself with my own hands" and well, i cant resist a pun/play on words now can i?

Agender- chaos dont have.. genders.

However, i thought this would change when introduced to concept of feminine and masculine models of the ancients in frontiers, but looking at Chaos, he doesnt resemble either one very much (tbh, in Sonic Forces, his model actually looks more akin to the fem version, than the pointy and sharp masc ones) and looks more akin to that of the children, if anything.

Plus, being masculine or feminine isnt really and indicator of gender anyways.. so like..???

So what? Does Chaos, gender? NOPE! Chaos isn't an ancient (thats his ancestor) and is a mutated chao. Chaos are genderless, or atleast out of that particular binary.

If Tikal showed up one day and started calling Chaos a "he/him", its likely that Chaos could've just.. adopted that. Assigned pronouns by random. Amazing.

So agender, as i can't think of anything else.

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Sexuality -idk. Look, i dont consider whomth one likes. The knowledge of my characters, or other characters sexualites comes upon me in the way preists suddenly hear the words of their gods.

I dunno, until suddenly i know. Thats just how it is.

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Ending it here cause im hungrt and cant think of anything else to chat on.

#metal sonic #chaos 0 #chaos zero #metal sonic x chaos 0 #metaos #shipping chart #still obssesed with that touch chart btw #like i did not realize Metal Sonic had such head-pat energy untill now #i even added an extra' lighter green to indicate where the nirvana spots are #like considering i kind of just had to guess and speculate based on minor context clues- ESPECIALLY with Chaos-#i think i did an okay job with Metal?#but damn i didnt realize how much upper body touches between these two have effected my physce. like of COURSE they'd have opposite touch-#but just seeing that stark difference is so fascinating to me. like #the no no spots make sense because these are important assets to their body inorder for them to function properly. touch a brain is danger-#-ous and touching its inner jet engine wings incorrectly may break then and ground Metal Sonic (in bird logic- that equals to death!)#but like the hands and chest thing for chaos makes some sense considering he'd have to care for chao who may have to be picked up- or #even carried in his arms- of course he'd feel comfortable there. but metal sonic who is mostly orange- would only be accustomed to generall #negative or bad touches like punches- hits- the sweet kiss of concrete scratching every once of metal off its body...#with the only generally positive ones being for mantience by eggman- thus everything is a “depends”.#but the head- the head pats- that area is the one that gets the most positive attention- especially considering eggman in the mixture #due to being tall- hed have to settle for doing head pats to give it praise- which mightve made Metal Sonic associate his head with “good-#-touch“. whilst the opposit reind true for chaos- whos body is practically impenterable except for its head (particularly its brain).#so people would attack it from that particualr region #and the vunerability and lack of defense would cause him to associate that area with “bad touch”#fun stuff!! this was super fun!!!!!!

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fictive-culture · 8 months

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Was gonna make this a fictive culture is post to queue but then decided I wanted to make a long thing tw: anti endo mention

Sometimes fictive culture or even just Introject culture is something negative happening related to the source and headmates not showing up till after the bad feeling subside by time

By this I mean that and I don't talk about this often but when we first realized we were a system we were eventually presented with telling our friends, sure there is always the option of not telling they aren't owed that information but for better or worse we hate being friends with people that don't know? We hate hiding ourselves and not being able to be friends with people as individuals rather than a collective. We were horrified and while it went well for the most part, the system I already knew was thankfully supportive of endos and another friend even shot back with a same! There was one friend that wasn't supportive a singlet that was firmly anti endo and one of my best friends at the time. We met on a kin server both being tf2 kin though after realizing we were a system those tf2 kins were for sure not kins. We were both huge fans and would create things for each other fanart, writing. It hurt a lot losing them and even if we didn't have solid proof we knew we had tf2 headmates could feel them even if we couldn't interact with them. It's been nearly two years since then, and they fronted for the first time since learning we were a system in September of last year just a few months ago and we were ecstatic. Just felt like a sign we were healing and we were getting truly comfortable in our shared reality and it felt so nice knowing they weren't trapped any longer we have names and faces to people we couldn't reach for so long and it makes us genuinely so happy to see them on our sp and see their chat messages we can also look at tf2 content without being sad anymore? We can enjoy something we lost for a really long time and I don't know I just wanted to share that with y'all? Things hurt but it lessens over time, if you lost a joy you may be able to enjoy it again one day, if you are worried about a headmate they may return to you one day, if you are that headmate from a source the body has bad memories of know that you will still be missed that you are still wanted and your sysmates will smile and cry and hug you if you returned from disappearing. Sometimes we still miss them, especially one of our tf2 crewmates but we are all much happier knowing they aren't in our life and we aren't trying to fit into their box of what is and isn't okay. Even if we did end up being mostly traumagenic traumaendo the endo part is still so important to us and we and all of you deserve people that accept and love those parts of you too.

#on a lighter note with less ups and downs what reminded us of this and inspired us to make this post is we have a new Dream fictive #“new”#we suspected awhile ago we had a few hiding around somewhere since we felt three separate dream vibes nearly a year ago and only one really #figured itself out tho we did think possibly the other vibes were just other members since we were fairly blurry at the time #but with Wish here as well now were fairly sure the third vibe isn't far behind #for those that know im sure i dont have to explain why there are some negative feelings with their source #we dont regret getting into it and we love our headmates but oof there is a reason we don't interact with it now just just so much drama #fictive rambles #endo safe

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undergoing-mitosis · 5 months

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i am keeping both freminet and chongyun on my team and using them both as dps i do not care that they are both cryo claymore characters (so less capability for elemental reactions) cause they are my silly little autism children and i love them and i will protect them with my life and nothing that anyone says can stop me

oh yeah also i pulled the bell for the first time today and yes apparently it is by far not the best weapon for chongyun but it FITS HIM SO WELL so i simply do not care

like look at my boy 🥹 it matches his belt 🥹

#when you're playing genshin for the character personalities and the aesthetic not the efficiency #will i likely ever totally ace the spiral abyss? no. do i care? no. cause CHONGYUN IS COMING WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT #the reason why im so adamant on chongyun is cause im currently maining freminet. so he's my highest dps char atm so ofc he'll be on the tea #god i literally love them both so much #freminet is dissociation other-people-are-confusing-and-i-don't-like-that autism #that line about him wanting to go to the bottom of the ocean makes me feel every time #like... me too buddy me too #and then chongyun is special interest autusm #he reminds me of mob that's probably why i love him so much #BUT HE'S SO LIKE. I WILL DO THIS. AND DO IT RIGHT.#LIKE YES MY BOY GO YOU #anyways i have adopted them both #screw you arlecchino freminet is my son now #genshin #genshin impact #freminet #freminet genshin #chongyun #chongyun genshin impact #genshin cryo #also love the fact that the bell‚ my weapon for chongyun‚ is bigger and beefier than archaeic prototype‚ my weapon for freminet #just like freminet has a faster attack speed than chongyun #so it's like... one weapon seems lighter than the other #i was so proud when i realised that i had inadvertently done that and added physics where physics doesn't exist #thoughts n rambles #^ i meant prototype archaid. my bad :')

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iman-92 · 11 months

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it’s weird to think that in a lot of ways who you were as a child is your most authentic self bc so much of your early years are spent being encouraged to leave yourself behind in the name of growth. and then as you navigate through life, you come to a particular realisation that the path to happiness is just finding your way back to yourself. like if life is a journey, then the destination has always been you.

#like I was always very sensitive as a child #and growing up i tried to work on being less emotional but it made me less equipped to really deal with my feelings at times #and now that I’ve started therapy soo much of our conversations have been around just sitting with my feelings / emotions and alllowing #myself to feel them and to let them pass #and I still find it hard but when I do it I usually feel lighter #and it just feels silly bc no one had to tell me to feel my feelings as a child lol I just did it and I was probably better for it #so in a lot of ways growing up has felt like relearning the skills I had as a child that I thought I needed to leave behind to be an adult #lol funny to think about tbh

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shipping-all-ships · 2 years

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Back on that soulmates-share-quirks au but lets focus on the kuropress. Like how when Shirakumo died, Mr. Compress lost the ability to use Cloud and he never tried to use his soulmates quirk after a few months of desperate trying since he concluded his soulmate was officially gone.

The Doctor took an interest in Mr. Compress when they first met-- even though they wanted Eraserhead, they did observe him and got to see his friends and their quirks/soulmate quirks and so recognizes the second quirk Shirakumo had. He starts grilling Mr. Compress on his second quirk, like has he even tried to use it since his soulmates death or if the connection feels off somehow. Shigaraki puts a stop to the questions and assures Mr. Compress that it’s just how the Doctor is, absolutely fascinated with soulmate related quirks and how they relate to nomus and all that nonsense, so not to pay it any mind. If anyone else had a dead soulmate, he would be interrogating them as well.

It ends up eating away at Mr. Compress because no he hasn’t even tried to use it in over ten years and now feeling for the quirk, it does feel off. Different somehow, wrong, unnatural. He didn’t think it about again until they’re fighting heroes on a rooftop and he hears Twice shout, turning in time to see Toga dodge too far to the left and suddenly she’s falling over the side.

He doesn’t know if the heroes would try to catch her or let gravity do it’s job and write her off as another causality, he doesn’t know if any of Twice’s clones will be able to grab her in time to make a cushion, but he does know that none of them will be able to get to her in time.

Something in him surges and Toga’s scream is cut off as she lands hard on a soft cloud, swirling the same dark purple color as Kurogiri. She floats back up in the sudden halt of the fight and Mr. Compress has to stomp down the sudden breakdown he feels coming one when he sees his mist covered hand because what the fuck?

He and Kurogiri are going to have to have a very long talk when they break him out of prison.

#bnha #my hero academy #kuropress #mr compress #kurogiri #atsuhiro sako #shirakumo oboro #blackmagic #mr compress now facing the fact that his soulmate is both dead and a nomu that doesnt even remember having a soulmate to start with #kurogiri is confused but also his chest feels so much lighter so he's just rolling with it #aizawa and yamada now having to face the fact that mr compress is the same quirk as shirakumo's and they don't like any of this #yes kurogiri can use compress and has several times but just assumed it was an added quirk not a soulmate related one

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