#....the amount of emotions and feelings this particular performance makes me feel is fucking insane. THIS GUY-

[autisticandroids]

anyway if we're talking about season six coming out allegories. personally i think the ideal 4x01-7x01 cas gay puberty allegory is something like this:

- dean and cas meet and bond. in particular for cas it's the most intense relationship he has ever had, and perhaps the first real friendship he's ever had

- their relationship is extremely homoerotic, but both of them fully conceptualize themselves as straight. whatever the nature of their relationship is, it's something that you can bend the definition of heterosexuality to accommodate, and it is not named as anything other than friendship

- (it's also important to note that while both dean and cas are repressed here, they're repressed in different ways. dean is invested in performing a masculinity that is incompatible with queerness; cas, while dealing with some amount of internalized homophobia, is mostly just intensely sheltered and has simply never considered queerness)

- season five is an experience of being (temporarily) stuck together in a homosocial space - the military, a boy's boarding school, something like that - to simulate how they're kind of stuck all together in the apocalypse, and how, because it's all hands on deck, no one has the opportunity to perform normative heterosexuality

- after this period of enforced homosociality (during which cas and dean's homoerotic bond flourishes) ends, dean finds a woman (lisa) to settle down with

- cas' emotional reaction to this (betrayal, anger, jealousy, obsession) is what makes him realize that something about his feelings for dean goes beyond traditional friendship, and is untoward. this pushes him into a private sexuality crisis

- cas becomes (secretly) involved (both socially and sexually) with crowley, the only out gay person around. crowley begrudgingly holds his hand through his sexuality crisis but thinks cas is pathetic for being in the closet to appease the straight people around them. cas for his part dislikes crowley as a person, and also isn't really comfortable with how aggressively out he is, still wanting to look good for the straight gaze (and in particular he wants to look good for dean and people like him, meaning he has to stay closeted)

- dean discovers that he simply can't hack it in his heterosexual relationship and leaves lisa. this stings his pride and self-image, though he still doesn't openly admit to himself that he isn't straight

- cas (partly prompted by crowley) goes through a series of sexual awakenings

- dean, freshly out a romantic partner, wants to re-ignite his homoerotic friendship with cas but cas simply can't take it, not with having acknowledged to himself that he is in love with dean and still thinking that dean is straight (as well as the fact that cas is now knowingly closeted, as opposed to unknowingly, so he has to actively lie about his sexuality to dean). this leads to their friendship being stilted, distant, and uncomfortable. dean feels abandoned

- dean discovers evidence that cas has been sleeping with crowley. like cas with lisa, this causes dean to feel cheated on and betrayed. unlike cas with lisa, dean does not take this as an opportunity for self-reflection and self-exploration. instead, he turns it into lashing out at cas, homophobically (as well as in other ways), and outing him

- (to be clear one of the reasons dean feels betrayed that cas is sleeping with crowley is, rather than jealousy over cas, jealousy of cas, for being gay and therefore being allowed to have sex with men, as well as feeling betrayed that cas left for The Other Camp - dean wants to be a heterosexual man who fucks around with guys, and as long as cas was there with him, he could be that, but now that cas has joined the ranks of the Others, dean feels abandoned, he feels like a member of a dying species, and most importantly he's suddenly deep down terrified that he is like cas)

- cas tries to appease dean for a little while but it doesn't work

- cas eventually ends up cutting ties with dean and coming out on his own terms at the same time, all in a very public insane meltdown, becoming everything he was afraid of becoming before ("acting" gay, being anti-homophobe, etc), because dean's reaction has disillusioned him with the straight gaze

this is the most fun To Me allegorical read on the gay puberty thesis of cas' first few seasons. and then obviously in canon he like. gets punished for having sex with men and dies, but you know. nobody's perfect

[roo-bastmoon]

Antis say that Jimin is doing fanservice and Jimin talked about it, and you think jikook don't care about bad comments? Jungkook told to people "so what" if they don't like him...clearly they care. The point is that Jungkook doesn't care about Jimin's feelings, he doesn't care that his words bring hates to Jimin. He is selfish.

Hmm. I think it’s probably not as straight forward as that.

I think BTS are sensitive and emotional artists. I think Jimin in particular takes many things to heart. Especially criticism.

I’ve seen plenty of instances where JK cries with and for Jimin, worries for him, makes every effort to be in his orbit and on his team, goes out of his way to spend personal time with him, hypes him up, and compliments his skills. I trust that wasn’t all facetious fan service.

It would be really nice if he’d say something along the lines of “An insult to one of my members is an insult to me—please don’t do it.” Because I’d understand if he can’t aggressively smack down haters without it becoming a huge news story. But something like “I really hate doing fake things” or “Get out of your imagination” or “please love all seven of us” and “protect our hyung” sounds a bit softer; these are more roundabout ways to make the point but still show support. Sometimes JK doesn’t even wish members a happy birthday on social media and that takes like two seconds and no effort. Drives me nuts.

I don’t know why JK has stopped mentioning hanging out with Jimin. I don’t why he isn’t more demonstrative in his affection and support. I don’t know why Jimin seems a bit more withdrawn and muted these days. I can guess. But I’m not sure it would be helpful.

If we only to go off social media in 2022, he and Jimin seem to lead mostly separate lives and he and Tae are spending more time together. But social media is a construct, not reality. They’ve been traveling, working on solo projects, dealing with illness, and preparing for a concert. They still make time to celebrate White Day together…

Having worked in an entertainment company myself in LA years ago, I know there’s always protocol around how talent can engage with the public. The fact that he can get on instagram at any moment and say anything he wants without running it by a publicist first is an insane amount of freedom for an artist. And with it presents some real danger for drama.

I think he could use some serious schooling in how to tactfully address problematic fans. But also, BTS has been getting bombarded with online hate and cruelty for over a decade. They still smash every record, top every chart, produce their own work, and each member has a net worth of well over 20 million; they are doing creative projects and trying to have concerts despite the pandemic challenges. Thus far, they’ve successfully navigated these waters.

I really hope this last year before Jin goes into service that they are able to have fantastic performances and make good memories. I hope the online bullshit—especially the horrible stuff in English—hardly ever reaches their awareness.

Jimin himself seems to love and trust JK and he knows him best after all this time—he knows the man’s flaws and quirks. He knows his love languages. He knows if someone appreciates him or is using him. I don’t think Jimin would look at him quite so fondly if JK didn’t do emotional labor and be considerate of him in their real lives.

If someone asks me if they can kidnap my best friend and I joke back “sure” that does not mean I don’t care about my friend and wish their enemies to pick on them; it means I have a teasing, banter-filled relationship with my friend, and haters will find any excuse to hate. I really believe JK never imagined people would interpret that obvious joke as “I don’t give a fuck about Jimin/get him away from me!” But here we are.

Try to recall all the soft moments between Jimin and JK over the years—sharing food, neck massages, whispered compliments, giving gifts, holding each other, carrying each other, sleeping in the same bed, their families spending time together. Jungkook may not be defending Jimin on social media, but there’s plenty of evidence that he loves all his members, particularly Jimin. He just kinda sucks at verbalizing it.

Would I like JK to be more demonstrably considerate of my bias? Bet. But also—it’s their relationship. How they relate is for them to decide. All I can do is take them at their word and support their content—but I haven’t a clue what’s really going through their minds right now.

So I’m just giving each member the benefit of the doubt, you know? I’d rather assume someone failed to be considerate out of misunderstanding or lack of capacity, rather than choose to be inconsiderate out of deliberate selfishness.

JK is young but still strikes me as humble, dedicated, gifted, and caring. I can’t attribute the cruelty of his fans to him. That’s their wrong, not his. It’s not his job to lecture or police them. It’s our job as ARMY to try to keep our fandom kind.

Just my way of thinking—I’m not out to say your viewpoint is wrong—and I’m open to changing my mind as more evidence unfolds of course! But for now, I think JK just does and shares what he thinks fans will enjoy and he truly doesn’t realize psychos will twist everything in to death threats and bullying posts. Someone at HYBE needs to give the maknae line a detailed lesson in how to navigate the waters now that the waters are infested with sharks.

But as for me, I could totally be clowning, but I still believe JK cares for Jimin like crazy.

[m00kieblaylock]

Full length essay coming at you of why I’m in love with Hozier’s new song.

You probably knew this was coming, I am so overwhelmed with just unadulterated, intense, scream at the top of your lungs love for this song that I need to write out my thoughts to my hearts desire or I just may go insane.

Musically

Firstly from a purely musical standpoint this song is fucking sweet. Blues music is my jammest of all jams. Down and dirty blues in particular. Blues is my greatest love of all to end all other genres. All music originates from the blues. It’s so rich and palpable, you can truly feel it in the depths of your soul. When you’re listening to something and it makes you impossibly contort your face in pure blues ecstasy you know that shit is good, this ticks the fucking box. Anything blues, funk, soul is where it’s fucking at, end of.

We have only had a taste of what Andrew is really capable of in this space. I think To Be Alone and It Will Come Back are great examples of his talent in being raw and just pure shredding. I have dreamt that he might continue on that path because I know he can, never did I guess it’d be like this and I’m a little bloody shook I gotta say. The music industry in general is lacking that sound of pure soul and grit. I’ve been crying out for angsty blues for a long ass time. It’s such a perfect vessel for emotion that is a criminally untapped resource in this day.

Rory. Fucking Rory. You beautiful bastard. That coordination is so impressive. So, so fucking slick. Andrew is far too humble to admit that his guitar skills are fantastic but this is mighty poignant proof. For that level of power and energy to blasted by two people is a very unique talent. As a huge White Stripes fan, it’s not something I have witnessed in a long time. Simple, tight and face melting fuck off blues by two bros? Sign me the fuck up.

Vanity

To be completely vain for two seconds. Dude is looking hot as fuck at the moment. I may always feel that way, but that’s beside the point. The hair, the beard? Just end my life. In that video he’s looking like a sexy English professor with a suspicious relationship with alcohol and I am feeling it hardcore. On the video, Sydney did a top job. Well done.

Lyrics

Now. The most important element of this piece of utter perfection is the lyrics and their inspiration. I have an endless amount of respect for this man for so many reasons, but a huge one is the fact that his ear is pressed firmly to the ground. Never have I seen in my lifetime someone who is so pure of heart and so emotionally invested in their craft. Many of the activists within music that I look up to are long gone. He’s politically aware and continues to be in the loop with pressing global issues and continuously uses his voice and position to make whatever difference he can. Yes, there are other artists doing great work. However, he is just always on point with everything and is full on comitted to a very rare level. I truly love to see it.

With this planet and many societies and political communities being the way they are at the moment, it can be incredibly confusing, we don’t really know how to express what we are feeling. As always, music is the greatest communicator. However, aside from maybe hip hop and similar genres, music that stirs that deep unrest and nagging feeling that something isn’t right is very seldom seen currently. The entire globe is a hellstorm. Every corner of civilization is having some form of crisis. It’s scary and sad to put it down to it’s simplest definition. We are experiencing a level of extreme pain and terror from our natural and social environments to this point, unforeseen. It’s a clusterfuck of anger and frustration, upheaval and unrest. This song is in the same vein of conversations @witchywasteland and I have had. The world is so utterly terrifying and seems like it’s in a state of implosion. However, I have also never seen such a scale of people saying, “Fuck this. This isn’t right. We deserve better and we won’t take no for an answer.” I am so astonished and proud of the people standing up. Standing despite fear and doubt. In particular the young people. People a generation younger than me are saying we won’t stand for your shit. I’m so unbelievably proud.

It conjures thoughts of a magnificent show I saw recently. Their message was, “We protest for those who are unable.” To me this has two powerful meanings. I as a disabled person am limited in the types of protest and activism I can safely partake in. But when those that can do, it’s breathtaking. Those that can’t are also those that we have lost. So many people have died for their causes in one way or another. So, we make sure that that legacy lives on through fight and drive. This song is so potent and powerful. Even down to performing it on US television. I’m so glad he did. I’m glad he did it on Seths show too. He is a person who is never afraid to speak up or do what’s right not popular.

My apologies for a complete thesis on your dash. In summary, I fucking love Jackboot Jump. I am completely in love with Andrew Hozier fucking Byrne. He has just shown us that he can outdo himself. That he’s here to fuck shit up. Everything he touches turns to gold and this is no different. I think it may be my new favourite. I didn’t think I could love him more, and yet I just might. I’m excited and terrified for what’s next.

[jagopolis]

Ennui

Title: Ennui

Pairing: Izuru Kamukura/Nagito Komaeda 

Read on Ao3

Summary: ennui /ɒnˈwiː/ noun A feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. 

 ──

 Servant's dreams are too grand, as always. You don't care.

─────── ─────── ───────

“Do you feel anything?”

You have been asked this question a countless amount of times, by a countless amount of people. By the researchers, keen to know how well their experiment was performing. By visitors, interested in your limitless potential. By people you’ve come to call your ‘team’ out of nothing more than boredom, fascinated by your distant attitude, so unlike the other Remnants.

But no matter who asked, the answer always remained the same. Short, precise and on point, just like you prefer it. Given out with no additional explanations and no regard as to the emotions it will cause.

“No.”

Some tried questioning you further, but you never bothered to stay long enough to hear their meaningless, boring tirade.

Then, imagine how great your lack of interest was when this particular person told you they wish to change the predictable answer.

“What are you doing?” your voice as hollow as always. Your pristine jacket on the floor.

“You told me once you can’t feel anything. Ah, I may be selfish, but I wish to be the one who changes that.” his voice lanced with emotions so thick and heavy you could feel them rub against your cold skin. His warm breath against your neck, the chain clacking quietly with his every move.

You did not stop him. Yet.

After taking care of the jacket, his hands moved back up, to your tie. It soon joined the other piece of clothing.

You did not stop him. Yet.

Then, he started working his way down your shirt, each button being undone one by one with a level of care and focus you’ve never seen on his face. To your mild surprise, he didn’t take it off, opting instead for leaving it on your shoulders.

And as his fingers traced first along your neck, then your chest, pulling you closer, his other hand running through your hair as he pressed his lips against yours, desperately trying to make you kiss him back, you feel. . .

Nothing. Bored. Disappointed.

So you stopped this formulaic display of ‘love’ and ‘affection’, in your mind these sensations being but a chemical reaction or a mere human need. You were more, you were less than human. A light push, then you wordlessly picked up your scattered clothes and began putting them back on.

He stood there, stunned into silence, frozen. As if you were still in his arms, as if his petty attempt brought him success. You can see the confusion, followed by despair rising in his eyes to cloud the world before him.

Remnants thrived off despair. So you weren’t particularly worried. But you stayed. To make your appearance perfect again. To watch the routine spectacle.

He started laughing. At first quietly, the chuckles sounding almost like sobs of great pain. Then louder. Then louder. Then downright hysterical. His nails were digging into his own scalp, pain further fueling his insane episode.

“Ah, of course! How could I’ve been so blind?! A lowly servant like me could never help the Ultimate Hope! Let alone make him feel!”

“Correct.” you added, throwing another log into the flame.

“But I hoped! I almost died just before, that was bad luck! This is the time for good luck, and I hoped-”

“Hope cannot revert multiple brain surgeries, Komaeda.” and then, you left the Servant to his painfully common breakdown.

When Hajime Hinata remembered that line, as he hugged his friends for what may as well be a final time, as the program crumbled around him, he chuckled.

Yeah, maybe hope can’t fix brain surgeries. But fuck that guy, am I right?

Kazuichi and Sonia yelled their goodbyes, their avatars dissolving into the white void that seemed to overtake all. Fuyuhiko and Akane went for a final fist bump, before disintegrating. Hajime closed his eyes.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

[purplesurveys]

819

what is a food that you’d hate to be allergic to?: Omg SEAFOOD. Can’t live without it. If I was allergic to it I’d be that person who brings tons of antihistamines everywhere I go so I can power through when eating crabs and mussels and shrimp. I just can’t live a life of being forced to watch others eat seafood while I can’t lol.

what color was the last towel you used?: Light blue.

would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you? Same height or a tad bit taller is fine; I’m not super particular when it comes to height.

when was the last time your nose bled? My nose has never bled before and I dread the day it happens for the first time, because I’m totally unprepared and blood freaks me out and I will highkey probably pass out for a bit hahaha.

how old are you turning this year?: I already turned 22 last April. Considering the circumstances, my birthday had surprisingly gone really well too.

what is your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie?: French fries from Potato Corner. My go-to bucket size is Mega and I will typically request my order to be 1/2 barbecue and 1/2 cheese fries. I’ll feel super uneasy if I don’t have that exact order when watching a movie at the cinema.

swimming pool or hot tub?: So I had to look up hot tub because I wanted to know how it’s different from a jacuzzi, and holyyyyy crap I’ve learned something new - Jacuzzi is a brand of hot tubs, wtfreak my life has been a lie I thought it was a word!!! Hahaha in any case, I do prefer hot tubs more. I’ve always felt dirty hanging around in swimming pools.

can you swim well? I’m not able to perform any of the strokes like an Olympic athlete, but I can tread well and for a good amount of time.

what body part do you wash first in the shower?: Not really a part of the body per se but I’ve always washed my hair first.

who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? No thanks, I find that too invasive. 

what kind of first impression do you think you make? Cold and a little aloof, which isn’t too far off from the truth especially if I’m not approached first. If someone does talk to me for the first time, it’ll depend on their body language whether I’ll choose to continue to be reserved, or if I’d want to be bubbly and vibrant around them.

name your last reason for using a camera? My dad honked his horn as he parked in the carport to let us know he was home, and my dog ran up the screen door and sat patiently to wait for him to come inside, his tail wagging the whole time.

where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? Sometimes I’ll line up our dining chairs together so it can turn to some sort of bed, and I’ve been falling asleep on that often lately.

what are you excited about? To drink the rest of this milk tea my dad bought me :) He went out to run some errands and I guess he’s been hearing me talk about how I miss having milk tea, so he went out of his way to go to a Chatime and get drinks for me and my sister.

seven days from now, will you be in a relationship? Yes.

are you a happy person? My emotions are always all over the place. I’m never consistently in a certain mood.

when was the last time you laughed really hard & why? I was bored and missing normal life last night so I went through my uploaded photos on Twitter so I can see what I used to do before everything went downhill...and by doing that, I realized that I’m quite good at tweeting HAHAHA most of my captions made me laugh and my content/photos weren’t all that bland or bad either. Idk, this is one instance where I can confidently say that I’m funny hahaha.

what are you wearing? A UP shirt and a pair of shorts.

what do you want? For my college to post the official list of graduating students for this school year so that I can finally partake in the tradition of changing my Facebook DP to my senior photo. I REALLY love how my portrait turned out and I can’t wait for my loved ones to see it.

did you enjoy your weekend? It was okay I guess. My mom was annoyingly cranky throughout Saturday for no reason, but it mellowed out by the next day and that’s good enough for me. Other than that, it was just as uneventful as the last three months have been.

do you regret anything you’ve done recently? Just little stuff that I get over quickly like, “oh I regret making this coffee at 11 PM because it’s now 3 AM and I’m jumpy as fuck.” But no big regrets recently.

is there anybody you wish you could see? For fucking sure. I don’t even have to tell y’all who it is.

have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j or m? Nope. I almost went out with an M, though.

how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2 3/4 lol. I trust Andrew 110%...and I mooooostly trust my dad. Not with every single topic under the sun, but I still trust him a whole lot nonetheless.

do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? I hope I will be by then.

what makes you mad most about girls? Definitely wanna avoid generalizing in this question but the way some girls will fawn over men is super hypocritical and that bugs me to no end. Girls shaming other girls for a range of things is also annoying, whether it’s over wearing too much makeup, not wearing makeup, choosing to abort, physical appearances, their diet, etc. Some really need to mind their own fucking business.

have you ever been given roses? Yes.

do you even like getting flowers? I love receiving stems or bouquets but I’m not obsessed with them in that I wanna get them regularly. Giving me flowers for Valentine’s Day or on our anniversary is more than enough for me.

what’s your favorite flowers? Peonies.

could you go out in public looking like you do now? No. I’d change my shorts.

who’s the first person you texted today? I haven’t texted anyone today.

would you move to another state to be with the person you loved? That’s a toughie...it would depend on the opportunities I have wherever I live in the present, and whether there are better ones where my partner is. I’m young and still building up my career, so realistically I’d wanna look out for myself first instead of clumsily jumping in headfirst for love lol.

how’s the weather today? It’s strangely warm and humid and uncomfortable, which is annoyinggggg. News has said that the wet/rainy season already begun, so I don’t know why the sun is still hanging around and being, again, annoying.

what color are your eyes? Really dark brown, almost black.

do you like poptarts? In my country we only get the same five flavors but my favorite out of all of them is chocolate fudge. I really wish we had a wider selection though :(

where will you be 12 hours frm now? Getting ready for bed most likely.

is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated? No. I’m usually the one who involuntarily makes others feel intimidated, oops.

do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? Not exactly but it’s definitely gonna be one of the several tops and shorts I’ve just been repeatedly wearing at home since March.

are you on a desktop or laptop? Laptop. I haven’t used a desktop in ages.

does anyone hate you for no reason? I’m sure one or two people do, but I genuinely can’t care less.

what are you planning to do today? Finish my milk tea, maybe take another survey or two, eat the salted egg chips that my dad bought, and, if it cools down later in the day, take a quick nap.

play an instrument? I can play the recorder. I also memorize several songs on the piano, but the key word there is memorize lmao. I just know which keys to press due to watching covers over and over; but I can’t read notes, I don’t know which letters match which keys, have no idea what major and minor is, and I basically know absolutely nothing about using a piano.

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Just to get closure from certain people or events. If I can go back in time I’d spend more time with my late grandpa, for one.

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? I’ve already forgotten.

have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an r? No. I’m an R though, heh.

have you ever passed out? Yeah numerous times. I’m a big fainter, which just sounds so uncool lmfao.

are you easily confused? Yes I feel lost quite easily. I’m often the butt of my friends’ jokes because of this, but I don’t mind hahaha.

do you think you would make a good wife/husband? I like to think that I would be, but I dunno. I’m still insanely young and I know I’ll be a completely different person with different priorities, mindset, attitude, etc., by the time I get married. It’s too early to tell.

what’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Queso real is also a really good flavor and it was my favorite for some time before my taste shifted to cookies and cream.

do you like coffee? Love coffee.

do you like summer? I like it when I get to go to the beach or when my family books trips out of town or the country, but I reeeeeally could do without the hot and sticky weather. It’s definitely not my favorite period of the year.

where were you at 8am this morning? I was asleep for half of it, then by 8:30 I was up and scrolling through Facebook.

do you fall for people easily? No. That is one thing I can’t do as a demisexual haha.

everything happens for a reason? This is usually my mindset, yes. It helps me process and accept circumstances better and much more quickly.

have you ever dated someone more than once? Yup, Gab and I have broken up before.

who have you texted in the last 24 hours? No one. Not really big on texting these days as I’ve been using Messenger to contact people throughout the quarantine.

what color nail polish is on your toes? My toes are never painted.

do you find members of the preferred sex confusing? People of any gender have the potential to be confusing. < This.

what are you listening to right now? Right now all I can hear is the work being done for the new house that’s being constructed in front of ours, so I’ll hear the occasional shoveling of stones and trucks coming in and out of the construction zone. The last music I listened to was the Presto from Summer of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons because Portrait of a Lady on Fire always makes me feel things.

how has the week been? It hasn’t been horrible, I’ll give it that. I’ve been revisiting my old fandoms out of boredom but it’s turned out to be a lot of fun; my mom brought home cupcakes at the start of the week; I had milk tea today; and we just had Kimi groomed this afternoon so his fur is all gone and now he looks like a giant rat.

is there something you wish you could tell someone but can’t? I wish I could have respectful debates with my Duterte- and/or Trump-supporting relatives, but I know that’s impossible.

what are your biggest turn offs? People who: can only hold shallow conversations, are disrespectful to those in the service industry; are casually homophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic, and/or fatphobic; take their religion way too seriously; and neglect their pets.

favorite shirt to wear? My CM Punk Best in the World shirt, without a doubt. I’ve been wearing it semi-regularly for nine years and have absolutely no intention of throwing it out.

favorite drink? Depends on my mood and the occasion. If I’m studying I’d wanna have coffee with me, if I’m casually dining at a restaurant I’d be happy with iced water, etc.

last person to say ‘i love you’ to you? Gab.

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah, but when that’s gonna happen again I still have no idea...

what’s your favorite color gummy bear? I always find myself reaching for the red ones.

what is the nicest part of the opposite sex’s body? I don’t consistently stare at a certain part of a guy’s body.

have you ever run into a dishwasher? No, those aren’t common here.

ever had a song sung about/for you? Nope.

is there a baby in the room with you right now? No, not technically. But I do consider my pets to be my babies. < Same. Kimi, now a giant rodent, is walking around the living room at the moment but he never strays too far from me.

where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other? CAAAAAAAAAR. This is a big reason why I miss driving, I haven’t been able to belt out in a while.

what is your favorite thing that is green? I don’t own a lot of green stuff since it’s my least favorite color...buuuuut I do have a printed flowy dress that I just love to wear, and it’s mostly olive green.

what did your last text message say? It’s an automated text from a vet clinic I went to last December telling me that I should bring Kimi back for a checkup. I appreciate the gesture but I’m not going back there after how condescending the vet was acting towards me.

what is the way to your heart? Acts of service has been my love language for the longest time.

what do you smell like? I smell nothing off of me now but I do know that I don’t smell unpleasant, because if I did I would’ve noticed it immediately and would feel more conscious.

what’s in your pocket? I don’t have any.

anything in your mouth? Not right now but I’ve been sipping milk tea with pearls all afternoon.

ever hurt yourself playing wii? Only after my first day of playing Wii Sports. It was like a workout for my tiny 10 year old body and I woke up all sore the next morning.

do you have freckles? No, not a common feature here.

what’s the last movie you saw in the theater? Knives Out.

ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on? Noooooooooo. I feel like that’s super uncomfortable; I’ve always entered pools with a swimsuit or bikini. My glare is usually enough for people to understand that I wouldn’t appreciate being thrown into a pool while I still had clothes on.

are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday? Technically. I took a shower in the evening and changed into the clothes I’m wearing now, but that was in the evening so it’s not like I wore them all day yesterday.

name a song that you know all the words to: Every single Paramore song. Guaranteed.

what’s the last thing you watched on tv? If we’re really going with a physical TV, the last thing I watched was Descendants of the Sun when I used the Netflix app on our TV. The last series I watched in general was Friends.

what can you hear right now? Two fans whirring in the living room.

did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday? I’m slightly better today. I’m glad Kimi has finally been groomed since his fur had knotted up in the last couple of weeks. Plus I also have milk tea today, and that’s always a winner :)))

are you close to your siblings? With my sister, but we treat each other like buddies and are more of the tough-love type. We banter more than anything and we don’t hold heart to heart talks.

do you bite your nails? No we have a nail cutter at home that I use. If I’m going through a period of heightened anxiety I will bite my nails though.

do you like your feet? Uh, I guess. I’m not complaining about them? but I’m also not attracted to feet. Mine are just there and I’m fine with them.

do you sleep well at night? For the most part.

[youngerdaniel]

Youngo’s 2019 at the Movies (with Baby Yoda)

IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN, FOLKS...

Wherein this blog crawls out of the woodwork with fresh aspirations for a more consistent content strategy in the year to come. Like a Baby Yoda emerging from his floating iron egg to great the sun. So let’s dust off some cobwebs and talk about the great movies that came out in 2019.

BRIEF UPDATES FROM THE WAFFLER This year marked a turning point. No, not that fucking decade that everybody’s making a big deal about. Not even that I hit 30 but thankfully have most of my (still not totally gray) hair... Nope, I went into business for myself. I leapt off the stable lily pad of 9-5 etc. and went freelance! Life’s been full of stories since then -- both the kind I write, and the kind I get to look under the hood on. I’m happy to report I’ve written more than ever before... Just not blogs, and mostly stuff I’m not at liberty to discuss.

*Clears throat. Pulls up the collar on his trench coat.* And I may have had more hair turn gray. Turns out, running your own ship is quite a bit of work, especially when you’re teaching yourself how the hell you do it. Nevertheless, I loved the shit out of every minute of it, and I still use phrases like nevertheless. It could easily be a blog (or several) for a different time, but the short and easy explanation of the absence is I was busy, it was fun, get over it. 

Besides, we don’t actually care about whatever lame excuse I have for why I haven’t been posting. We’re here because it’s 2020 and time for a listicle, dammit! This one is neither definitive nor ranked. But dang if 2019′s fodder didn’t come sauntering into theaters like the big chuckling cherub of Christmas Present, with a cornucopia of awesomeness. 

THINGS I LOVED, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE David Robert Mitchell’s neo noir takes a fittingly existential approach to detective fiction. An enigmatic case, hidden clues and coded pop culture, Andrew Garfield’s charmingly hapless sleuth... There’s a lot to love in this weird soup of a movie. At times nightmarish, often trippy, and an excellent performance from a parrot. Late night fodder.

CLIMAX Gaspar Noe does not make sane movies. With Climax, there’s a hypnotic quality that sucks you in and drags you along on its nightmarish journey as a group of dancers drink from a punchbowl laced with drugs. The result is absolute bedlam, and everything from the lighting to the camerawork pulls its weight to put you into the action. This is the kind of thing you watch and marvel that, “Wow, they went there.” to varying degrees of satisfaction. Like a freight train barreling toward the side of a mountain, it’s hard to look away even though you know you probably should. 

JOJO RABBIT And then there’s a different kind of madness. The movie that billed itself as “The movie that shouldn’t work.” Jojo Rabbit is so full of heart. This is Taika Waititi in full force, and hilarity meets real pathos. Love is better than Nazis. It’s a simple message, and I think it doesn’t need to be much more. The relevance of such a narrative in our time is pretty disappointing, but the truth seems to be that we need ones like this to come along and remind the collective. The mashup of humor with genuine drama is balanced in a way that will feel familiar to fans of THE HUNT FOR THE WILDERPEOPLE or BOY. The performances are superb, and it’s a beautiful looking film. If you missed it last year, start the new one off right and amend this problem.

US The thing I dug the most about US was how unique it felt. Original premises in horror are on the rise, and there’s no denying the man leading the wave is Jordan Peele. The social commentary elements of this followup to GET OUT play with a little more subtlety, and in some ways it almost felt like a stronger move... But I refuse to compare the two of them. US stands out in its own right, and carries some of the most memorable performances of the year. A twisting narrative that crackles with tension, and a concept that haunts the imagination. What if your every action had an equal an opposite effect on a mirrored version of yourself? A study on the impact of the class system, and a nightmarish what-if to explain the real life series of underground tunnels that span the United States. Also, that costume design! That Alexa gag! The way this one opens up at the midpoint was such a delight in the theater. I’d apologize for spoilers, but let’s be real... You’ve seen this movie.

AD ASTRA Best summed up as “Daddy Issues in Space,” AD ASTRA feels like the kind of sci-fi mysteries that were made in the late 70s and 80s. A spellbinding journey to the far edges of the galaxy to save the world, and maybe prove that aliens exist. Oh, and to stop your possibly insane father from destroying the human race on the way. Brad Pitt is on fire, and everything about this potent emotional journey remains focused on his character’s dilemma of deciding whether or not his father was a good man, what it means to him and his own isolated existence, and whether he can overcome that shit and live a life instead of taking risks. From its opening scene to its closing one, this one blends gripping life-or-death set-pieces exploring the dangers of space travel and the cyclical nature of humanity’s progress with small moments. The journey, the heart-wrenching climax, and the harrowing trip home is well worth the rental fee. Check it out.

THE GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR

Some horror movies exist to make you think, some exist to cover their protagonists in black goo, subject them to grueling physical and psychological lament, and chuck ‘em through a woodchipper for good measure. The Girl on the Third Floor takes your average premise of “Stubborn and troubled guy picks a fixer-upper house to flip, only to discover horrors beyond his imagining” and leans hard into the gross-outs and festering boils of body horror. Reminiscent of Evil Dead, Amityville, and Dead Alive, there’s so much insanity to love, and the movie makes some big turns -- some surprising, some daring, some a little out there. It is by no means perfect, but it’s got a charm about its rough edges. You will never look at a marble the same way again.

I LOST MY BODY

I know. “A life-affirming work” left me a little skeptical too. But from its very first frame, I LOST MY BODY is arresting. Its hypnotic narrative follows the story of a severed hand in search of its owner, and has great fun carrying you along with its troubled protagonist’s journey from a crush to obsession. The sheer amount of visual storytelling and striking imagery is worth the runtime, but for any arthouse lovers feeling a little too chilled to hop down to the nearest indie theatre can open a new tab and have at it. Didn’t expect to be as moved by this one as I was, and for that I must recommend it.

AVENGERS: ENDGAME The fact that a movie like this can even exist is pretty amazing, and I have to say, as the culmination to the Avengers saga as we know it, ENDGAME delivered something with way more heart and character than I expected. Funny, sad, bittersweet, and massively satisfying. This is the Thanksgiving Turkey dinner of movies. It’s got everything. But the best part for me was how little fighting the big superhero finale of the decade had to it. Firmly rooted in character, taking ambitious and surprising turns in their trajectories, and balancing the fanwanks with a genuinely exciting story. I mean, c’mon. Time heist? A Greatest Hits play that also recontextualizes a few of the lesser films of the sweeping franchise? The third act battle felt a little tacked-on, but the conclusion felt like exactly what we needed. 

READY OR NOT I love this movie. Love it like an adorable, scrappy friend who always manages to make their social commentary entertaining. Hide and Seek turns deadly for a bride to be when she meets her future in-laws, the proprietors of a board game company that takes their product very seriously. A darkly funny survive-the-gauntlet-till-morning ride. Great characters. Awesome kills. A few really unexpected and delightfully devilish turns. Oh, and it takes a stab at privilege and how far some people are willing to go to preserve theirs. It’s got teeth, a mean bite, and it’s fun to walk around the neighborhood. If you liked YOU’RE NEXT, you will probably love this movie. I still can’t get its final few moments out of my head. And I mean that in the best way.

PARASITE Speaking of social criticism and privilege, there’s no denying the brute fucking force of PARASITE. Following a struggling family who imbed themselves into a rich family by posing as the help, this madcap game of suspense takes so many surprising turns that even describing the full plot spoils the fun. Go into this one having read as little as possible. It will take you for a spin. Part con movie, part social critique, part comedy and part tragedy, it’s a lot to digest, but it’s a damned tasty treat. 

KNIVES OUT In a word, it’s fun. Rian Johnson’s locked room murder mystery packs some wonderful barbs in the side of affluence, armchair activism, and the corruptive nature of wealth. A wealthy novelist is found dead, and all of his family members have motive... But don’t let the familiar set-up fool you, KNIVES OUT plays fair with its audience, but it is a fast runner. The story jumps ahead of you almost every time you think you’ve got it figured out. Daniel Craig’s genius sleuth is full of likable energy, protagonist Marta is full of layers, and the family are all such a pleasure to watch. Several times along the trip, I had no idea where the story would turn next, or how much further the envelope could be pushed, but by the end, I came out marveling at its construction. The production design is unreal. The direction and vibe are so unique, and by the closing image, it’s nearly impossible not to enjoy the shift in values. There’s also a speech involving donuts that I will be reciting at parties for the foreseeable future.

DANIEL ISN’T REAL

I closed off the year with this wildly inventive take on the possession trope. This. Movie. Is. Nuts. Which, considering it was produced by the same folks who did MANDY, shouldn’t come as a surprise. A mind-bending tale that riffs on Jekyll and Hyde, with a great modernization tackling the concept from a mental health perspective... It’s not the first time it’s been done, but the execution is just excellent. We follow a disturbed young man whose imaginary friend hatched from a childhood trauma makes a devilish return to play hell with his adult life. It’s a psychological horror that’s FIGHT CLUB meets THE DOUBLE. Great look. Excellent creature design and visuals for a cosmic horror that makes great use of low budget devices. If you’re looking for the answer to the age old question of “Should my third act involve my protagonist battling his inner demons literally with a rooftop sword fight?” You’ve found your contender.

I’ll tell you this, reader friend. The hardest part about 2019′s slate at the box office was deciding what to see. There were so many interesting movies that came out, brimming with big ideas and social commentary. Sad as the state of the world is, there’s no denying times of unrest have a knack for yielding great art. The Trump era has made its stamp on Hollywood for better or for worse. But the rising tide of voices pushing back give me a bit of hope, and a lot of salve for the whole existential dread thing. I think that, however small it is, is good.

For what it’s worth, none of these films are reinventing the wheel or burning flags... But they are asking questions. Okay, CLIMAX, really isn’t asking anything, but it is fun as hell. There’s just as much merit in the salve as there is in the flame that caused the burn.  So may your 2020 be full of entertainment. I’ll try to get some useful content up here at least every couple of months in smaller digestible forms. Now go forth and brunch, you hungover, resolution-breaking slob.

[happymetalgirl]

Car Bomb - Mordial

Car Bomb have followed a curiously backwards trajectory compared to most bands in terms of their releases. They debuted on Relapse Records and then switched to releasing albums independently, and unlike most bands as time goes on, the gaps between albums has shrunk for Car Bomb as their career progresses. This isn’t really all too important, but I thought it was some fun and interesting trivia. Anyway, onto the more relevant stuff.

While fans of the band were of course excited for this new album by Car Bomb here, I haven’t really seen a whole lot of chatter about it (at least from where I’m sitting). For me though, Mordial is undoubtedly one of the albums I was most eager to hear this year. I first heard of Car Bomb through Gojira frontman Joseph Duplantier’s cosigning of and collaboration with them on their 2012 record w^w^^w^w, and I took a liking to them for their wild, volatile brand of mathcore that exploded out in all directions while still feeling purposeful rather than simply haphazard. Their debut album, Centralia, occasionally indulged in some absolutely manic displays of mathcore, but it also showcased a potential for composional greatness that their sophomore release, w^w^^w^w, would expand on. The album’s production was surprisingly a step down from their debut’s, but the band clearly improved their sense of groove and rhythm, and the integration of more industrial elements into their sound was a welcome and well-worked augmentation. But it was their third album, Meta, that came out in 2016, that really blew me away.

It doesn’t come up too often, but when it does, I can’t help but feel I have to give repeated disclaimers. I fucking love Meshuggah, and for as many bands that have incorporated djent into their sound because of them, for as many bands that try to rip off “Bleed” or mimic Meshuggah’s style of groove, no one does it like them. I’ve heard so many different “similar to: Meshuggah” songs and albums in my time as an undeniable die-hard fan of the band, but no one seems to capture that consistently sinister X factor that makes Meshuggah Meshuggah. But with their deeper integration of 8-string groove into their sound and Michael Dafferner’s impressively energetic, committed, Jens-Kidman-esque vocal delivery, Meta was the closest I had ever heard anyone sound to Meshuggah. They had shown their similar (and quite possibly Meshuggah-influenced) sense of groove on w^w^^w^w, but Meta was an even more thorough evolution of that aspect of their sound, and it was so astonishing to hear a band not only capturing a significant amount of that Meshuggah X factor, but also integrating it seamlessly into a sound still all their own rather than merely cheaply imitating.

With that said, I think it’s pretty clear why I was so hyped for the follow-up to Meta. I figured I probably had to bring myself back down to Earth to recognize that Mordial would likely be different in some significant ways and to not be disappointed at the band’s likely refusal to simply metamorphosize into Meshuggah 2.0. And Mordial is indeed different, but just because Car Bomb don’t sound as close to my favorite band on this album doesn’t mean the newer thing they’re trying here are without value, not at all. Car Bomb definitely branch out on Mordial and continue to push themselves in ways not even Meta did.

One major differentiation between Mordial and Meta is the level of (and the type of) vocal melody incorporated on the two albums. While the melody introduced on Meta largely plays into the jolting abrasive robotic aesthetic of their performances, the smoother melodies on Mordial feel unusually spiritually ethereal for Car Bomb, tapping into something similar to what Joseph Duplantier tapped into on Magma (my suspicions of which upon my initial listens to Mordial were confirmed when I read that the Gojira frontman was credited as a creative consultant on the album).

The greater proportion of clean vocals among all the industrially tinged mathcore insanity also gives me some noticeable Fear Factory vibes, and I am totally fine with that. (See "Vague Skies", whose bridge guitar work is surprisingly inspiring amid the rest of the song's instrumental madness). Meanwhile, the song "Antipatterns" in particular gives off somewhat of a Strapping Young Lad/Devin Townsend air as well, while the super crunchy riffage of "Naked Fuse" reminds me of my favorite Textures album, Polars, as well, all of these being very pleasant stylisic similarities and reminders.

The industrial elements on Mordial are also taken to new extremes, like the futuristic laser machine gun sounds on the blasting "Dissect Yourself", which might just be some creative effects pedal magic, and the seemingly dubstep-tinged guitar effects on the tasty groove of "Scattered Sprites".

Songs like "Fade Out" and "Xoxoy" dip into this gorgeous type of atmosphere built by soaring vocal leads and emotive melodic guitar soloing that feed surprisingly well into all the crushing mathcore guitar groove surrounding it.

Mordial indeed comes with plenty of novelty, but it's not such a radical stylistic shift that it's unrecognizable from Meta; there are still the vicious and frantic explosions of angular guitar work and bursts of double-bass battery that Meta was built on; songs like the vibrantly and dynamically groovy "HeLa" and "Blackened Battery" sound like they'd fit right at home on Meta as much as they do here, which I certainly think is a good thing. The title track's spoken delivery of the intro reminds me of one of my favorite Meshuggah songs, "Spasm", and the soloing on the track even sounds Thordendal-esque. Indeed, what was built on Meta is not lost or even replaced on Mordial, but rather it is enhanced and made even more dynamic through its meshing with newer musical elements and compositional styles. And the production on Mordial is as crisp and complimentary as it was on Meta to reinforce the strength of the band's grooves by highlighting the delicious guitar tone's low end and the punchiness of the percussion.

Car Bomb continue to improve and craft their sound and ensure that they represent themselves as completely and positively as possible on Mordial in both their foundations and their recent developments. With a new Meshuggah album due (by pattern) to be released some time next year, I've been thinking of where they could possibly go next to evolve their sound, and I keep thinking of what they might sound like with a bit of industrial edge added to their signature original form of djent. And with a lot of this album Car Bomb have shown what a dashing combination that can be. While the quality of Mordial comes as no surprise, I honestly didn't think Car Bomb could match themselves after Meta, but I think with Mordial they have at least done that by continuing to expand on their sound without sacrificing the positive aspects of their evolution along the way. And the last time I was so pleasantly surprised when I thought a band couldn't outdo their already magnificent preceding work was last year with my #1 album of the year, Khemmis' 10/10 (for those of you who like scores) Desolation, which astonishingly outdid Hunted. And I would say Meta was even better than Hunted, so that could mean something big for Mordial. And their release pattern (though not carved in stone) suggesting that they could put out an even better album in 2021 and then an even better one than that one in 2022 is frightening. Bring it on, I say.

_tative/10

[saintmachina]

What were some parts of seminary that you liked, versus ones you didn’t? I’m thinking about my future (read: freaking tf out) and I know I want to study theology in some way, I’m just not sure how exactly, ya feel?

Thanks for the question! Your mileage may vary: I went to a Princeton Seminary, which I would categorize as a theologically/politically moderate, academic, traditional Western-style seminary. Seminary culture varies WIDELY from school to school, so keep that in mind when choosing between, say, a Princeton, which may be a more insular academic community focused on research and internships, and a Fuller, which may be a larger community more integrated with the surrounding city concerned with practical training for missionaries, worship leaders, and Christian artists. This is NOT to say that you can’t learn to be an awesome worship leader at PTS (I know them) or an awesome theology professor at Fuller, but make sure you shop around for your particular cultural, career, and academic needs. 

Things I Loved

The residential experience. Nearly all students at PTS live in beautiful on-campus housing or in apartments specialized for families with children just a few miles away. Living a few minutes walk from the library, my professors’ offices, and the chapel was amazing, especially since students at PTS tend to be sociable with the others who live on their hall. I would often spend my evenings studying with friends in their dorm rooms, and since everyone on campus at any given time tends to eat their meals in the cafeteria together, I formed a strong clique of ten or so people who unpacked my readings + spiritual crises with me at the lunch table. 

Spiritual friendships. I was able to make deeper friends than ever before in my life from a variety of denominational and theological backgrounds. We saw each other through vocational shifts, prayed with each other, administered the Eucharist to each other, celebrated birthdays and ordinations together, and stayed up late into the night when anyone needed us. I would literally drive across the country to bail any of them out of jail at a moment’s notice.  

The emotional crucible. Seminary is bootcamp for the soul. You get exposed to so many new ideas and theologies, learn how to preach, sit at people’s bedside while they’re sick, pull together responses for every new act of violence in the news, and most of the time, are thrust into a leadership role at a church that is either going under and begging you to save them or so large and thriving that it nearly swallows you whole. Nothing will grow you up like that. I have an insane amount of poise now dealing with other people’s crises, rage, or grief, and that wasn’t the case when I matriculated. Pastors are all making it up as we go along, but seminary gives at least the appearance of sage wisdom under pressure. 

Academic engagement with theology. This one seems obvious, but after spending four years in a secular liberal arts university that was tolerant of my enduring interest in religion but didn’t offer me an outlet for it, seminary was balm in Gilead. I loved being able to dig into what I really cared about directly, be that metaphysics, church history, or the Bible as literature, and I thrived being surrounded by other people who cared about it and did the reading and wanted to explore together. 

Freedom to research what I wanted. There are plenty of demanding intro-level courses that throw you to the ground and kick you while you cry into your notecards (New Testament, what’s good) but it was fun being on that ride with the rest of your small cohort, and upper-level classes offered chances to research what you cared about. I got to present research on astrology in the book of Daniel, queer American Muslim communities, IVF treatments and theology in Ghana, overlap in myths about Odin and Jesus, and I did an independent research study linking the emergent church to the spike in Millennials re-discovering the Episcopal and Catholic churches.The library was stuffed to the brim with books I would kill for. What a treat.

The melting pot. PTS DEFINITELY has its ideological and admissions biases but they do work hard to create a diverse student body, and I was close with students from so many different counties, denominations, ethnicities, and political leanings, which was enriching beyond belief. It was one of the big reasons I chose a seminary degree. That said, not all schools skew diverse, and I was very specific about choosing a seminary that was explicitly affirming of women in ministry and the goodness and wholeness of LGBTQ+ folks, so I knew that I would be supported by general school policies. Getting that information up front is important. 

Access to university resources. This one is PTS specific, but I went to a independent seminary closely linked to and basically on the same campus as Princeton University (they were the same school back in the 1800s until an amicable split, but we’re still cozy). This meant that I had access to Princeton U libraries, free events, lectures, and religious life, and I was a member of the Episcopal Church at Princeton U for most of my time at seminary. People bribe admissions officials or work themselves to nervous breakdown to get access to the resources I had at my fingertips, and I don’t take that for granted. 

The aesthetic. If I’m gong to take tens of thousands dollars of loans out for graduate school you bet you’re ass I’m going to be sitting in American Hogwarts while I do it. 

Things I Did Not

The cliquishness. This one is a double-edged sword, because I thrived on having a clique of high-functioning. highly-educated pastors who ate at the same lunch table and gossiped about the same people and showed up to campus parties in a gang, but that’s not always healthy. People tended to fragment off by denomination or where they fall on the liberal-conservative scale, and differences can fester that way. Students of color were often implicitly excluded from certain spaces through this behavior. Humans skew towards tribalism to begin with, but when you put super socially-oriented people with strong beliefs in one space where they have to live on top of each other and are looking for low-effort socializing after a long day in the trauma ward, confessional, or picket line, it gets worse. 

Imposter syndrome. Maybe it’s grad school in general that does this, but I spent most of my degree fighting off the feeling that I was dumb, lazy, not serious enough about my “calling” or my research, and probably a heretic. Part of my character growth came from learning not to give a fuck about what people who didn’t share my passions thought of them, and from realizing that I wasn’t on the ordination or PhD track like most of my peers, and that was okay. So I grew from this, but it stung like hell. I cried a lot.

No handholding. The professors at PTS were, by and large, old school, and they were busy as hell. While there was opportunities for office hours, most engagement with professors came in the performative form of “a question, well, more of a comment really” during lectures. Students, (mostly men, I’m not going to lie to you) scrambling for a good letter of rec for a PhD tended to monopolize whatever time professors had. I can think of exceptions (Ellen Charry was exceptional and made time for me in her home when I was struggling to unpack antisemitic theology) but it was a far cry from the literature department in my undergrad, where professors were accessible and knew me personally as mentors and friends. 

Caregiver burnout. This is my big one, and is the reason I’m still in recoup mode doing the office job thing instead of working in formal ministry. Everyone at my school was a pastor, hospital chaplain, activist, or social worker. We are the people who care so much, and who are constantly doing emotional labor for those around us with no time off and usually, poor personal boundaries. Working in a field where it is your job to hold everyone’s hurt and be the face of God to them while their life falls apart is….hard. It was not unusual for me to work ten hours at Penn on my feet in campus ministry, helping people sort through whether or not they wanted to report their sexual assault, holding mini-interventions about excessive drinking, and scrambling to re-schedule worship night after my volunteer went to the hospital after a suicide attempt, and then ride the train home while my phone blew up with news of a new mass shooting that I would have to help host a candlelight vigil for. You hold your parishioner’s hand while they die in hospice. You watch social services take your client’s children away. You stand still while someone screams at you for being too political in your sermon, or not political enough. You sit down to do the budget only to realize the beloved pastor who just retired had been embezzling. Typical Tuesday. 

A lot of the items on these lists are specific to my temperament and the culture at PTS, but by and large I would say it was an amazing experience well worth my time, effort, and money. I pushed myself academically beyond what I believed I was capable of, made the deepest friends of my life, found a home denomination, learned how to effectively care for others and myself, and was met by God in transformative ways again and again. Someday I may get that ordination or work for a ministry nonprofit again, but I have skills now that no one can take away from me, skills I use every day in some capacity. 

Good luck in your discernment process, and I pray you find yourself in exactly the place you need to be!

[askmerriauthor]

Hey, I got to see Avengers: Infinity War on company time ‘cause my job was nice enough to buy the staff tickets.  This movie has given me... feelings.  Major spoilers ahead, so hit the jump below to read my thoughts on the matter.

Man, what a boring disappointment of a movie.

I’ve really been digging the last handful of Marvel films for their overall quality, especially where the characterization and banter are concerned.  Both Captain America movies?  Dug ‘em.  All the Thor movies?  Man, I could watch Hemsworth doing prat-falls getting hit by cars all day long and never tire of it.  First Guardians of the Galaxy was great, though number two had missteps.  Ant-Man was a fucking delight from start to finish.  Spider-Man: Homecoming was pitch perfect.  Black Panther has the best villain of the entire MCU thus far.  On the other hand, the Avengers movies were a bit clunky by comparison but were overall enjoyable with some great character moments.  They served to temper expectations about what big group-event films in the MCU are like.  So my gripes on Infinity War is not out of some kind of beef with Marvel/Disney, nor is it out of overblown hype.

With that in mind, Infinity War was incredibly dull as a film.  The bulk of the movie is divided into fight scene after fight scene (to the point that they actually cut away from one massive fight to peek in on another concurrent massive fight), introducing characters to one another (generally via fight scene), or Thanos getting “character building scenes” (immediately before or directly in the middle of a fight scene).

One thing I love most about the Marvel movies is the character interaction.  It’s why these cinematic versions are so beloved by the fandom, why there’s so much creativity spawned around them - they have chemistry and interesting relationships with each other.  A:IW has precious little of that at all.  The lion’s share of character interaction goes to Vision/Wanda and Thanos/The Scenery, and not in a good way.  Each of these two relationship elements are only present to build up a false sense of drama that falls flat in the end.  Though there is one particular scene between Rocket Racoon and Thor (yeah, who saw that one coming?) where the two have a heartfelt conversation that Hemsworth just knocks out of the park.  That moment of Thor recounting just how much he’s lost and it being clear how much agony it’s causing him behind a cocky grin is the kind of characterization I adore in these movies.  Vision and Wanda being melodramatic about a plot point that is clearly never going to go anywhere in the film is not appealing at all.  Their entire story thread from start to finish across the film is Vision wanting Wanda to destroy the Mind Gem (and thus kill him) to prevent Thanos from getting it, and the emotional roller coaster that entails since the two are now in love.  Except that entire concept is a total non-starter, doesn’t go anywhere, and ultimately amounts to nothing at all.  It’s just a waste of time that eats up writing and screen time that could have been put to better use elsewhere.

Onto the villain: I could not give two flying flips about Thanos.  I will fully admit that a part of this is that I personally loathe the cliche “nature is out of balance, I must purge life to restore it” villain trope.  That does play a big part in my dislike here.  But setting that aside, he’s just a terribly dull character with feeble motivations and justifications for his actions.  There’s a major dissonance between what he does and how it’s presented to the audience.  While the movie does give a one-line bit of lip service to him being insane and misguided, it’s never fully addressed as a defining aspect of his character throughout the movie.  The comics put a major emphasis on the fact that Thanos, for all his scheming and intelligence, is coo-coo bananas.  He’s called the “Mad Titan” for a reason.  The movie fails to put a light on that fact and it makes Thanos feel like a flat character since all we really get is him just blankly marching toward his end goal the entire film.  He has no arc or development and is wholly unsympathetic no matter how many times the movie takes us aside with him in solitary, artsy moments and yells “LOOK AT ALL THIS PATHOS” in our faces.

Thanos’ entire villain scheme is that he wants to destroy 50% of all intelligent life forms in existence in order to bring a balance to the universe.  He directly states that the universe’ resources are finite and that life allowed to grow unchecked will snuff itself out by over-consuming these precious few resources.  So his solution - which he has been practicing on a planet-to-planet basis for decades by the point the movie takes place - is to divide a world’s population in half.  50% is murdered on the spot while the other 50% lives, purely based on whoever happens to be standing on the left or right.  It is explicitly described by Thanos as being totally random who lives and who dies so as to be “fair”.  His win-scenario is that the species of whatever world he 50% Genocides thrives in the wake of the purge because they now have a more controllable population size - nothing else beyond that.

So... I mean, right out the gate, that’s the stupidest damn thing possible.  It’s not like he’s going to each of these worlds and carefully examining the state of conditions, then deciding they need to be culled because of their abuse of their resources.  He’s just doing it willy nilly without any justification as to whether such a culling is actually necessary or whether it would even be beneficial to the world in question.  I mean, hey, how can openly slaughtering 50% of a world’s population at random possibly be a bad thing?  Surely that won’t throw their entire society and culture into a death spiral, right?  It’s how he picked up his adopted children - Gamora in particular.  While he was busy murdering 50% of her world, he just sort of kidnaps her because... uh... because he wants to, I guess.  He literally just walks up to her in the middle of wrecking her world and decides he arbitrarily wants to take this one tiny green girl with him for no apparent reason whatsoever.  So, hey, way to undercut your own practice there, Thanos.  50% of the population dies with it being completely random and fair... unless I happen to fancy taking a souvenir, apparently.

The movie beats us over the head with the idea that Thanos is in turmoil because of his mission to balance the universe.  That it is a massive strain on his soul, that only he has the willpower to endure what he sees as a necessary culling.  Not a “necessary evil”, mind you - he never views his actions as being morally wrong.  Just difficult.  But, y’know... it’s kind of hard for me to sympathize with a character introduced to us as being an omnicidal maniac who has built a fanatical cult of personality around himself and callously murders literally trillions of people.  Especially so since, as cannot be overlooked: HE’S DOING IT ALL BY HIS OWN CHOICE.  The whole universal culling this is entirely his idea and pet project, so he is completely responsible for whatever so-called internal suffering the movie is trying to make us feel for him.

This whole affair becomes especially annoying when Thanos acquires the Soul Gem.  There’s a little test he has to perform to get it - he must sacrifice the one thing he loves most.  It turns out this is Gamora, aforementioned adopted/kidnapped daughter.  He has a moment of realization, cries stoic tears, and murders her by throwing her off a several-hundred foot tall cliff to that he can get the gem.  He then spends the rest of the film with the fact that his choice is emotionally wrecking him inside, that he’s grieving and saddened, that his quest has taken everything from him and--

Y’KNOW, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO THROW HER OFF THE DAMN CLIFF, RIGHT?  NOBODY WAS FORCING YOU TO DO THAT.

Gah, this entire character angle just pisses me off because of how inane it is.  “You must give up the thing you love”.  Thanos, you smug bitch, you kidnapped a girl at random while in the process of murdering everyone she knows and loves, then spent the next 20 years putting her through an endless array of physical, mental, and emotional abuse to try and shape her into one of your fanatical Thanos-worshipping minions.  IN THIS VERY SAME MOVIE you tricked Gamora into thinking she brutally killed you just to see if she’d feel bad about it afterward, then literally dismembered her sister before her eyes to force information out of her.  Then, y’know, you murdered Gamora herself.

YOU DON’T FUCKIN’ LOVE HER.  THAT IS NOT LOVE.  I don’t care how many melodramatic “single tear down the cheek” moments you have - there is absolutely nothing about this character or his established, presented backstory that gives even the slightest hint he cared about Gamora beyond her ability to serve him as a tool.  If the Soul Gem was really supposed to be using this “sacrifice your love” test as a measure of who gets to take it, then Thanos should have just failed flat-out.  Even if one tries to argue something like “Oh, well, it was genuine love in Thanos’ twisted perspective”, that doesn’t matter.  The Infinity Gems - especially the Soul Gem - are presented as being semi-aware and capable of making decisions as to who they want to serve.  So it’s not Thanos’ call as to whether or not Gamora is the thing he loves, but the Soul Gem’s.  But it works because we need to get to the next fight scene but quick, so off we go!

The final climax point of the movie is right after Thanos finally gets all the gems and snaps his fingers.  He wins.  In that instant, 50% of all intelligent beings in the universe just sort of go away.  They don’t really die, per say, but rather just poof out existence.  Effectively dead but maybe not specifically so?  It isn’t explained.  So we get this lengthy montage of main characters going poof into particle-effect clouds one by one, with how abrupt or extended the disintegration is depending on whether or not the writers wanted to give them a dramatic final speech.  Oh, how sad.  How very sad.  Boo hoo.  My eye-rolling on this point isn’t because of the meta-awareness of me knowing Marvel isn’t going to purge its main character roster because money.  Rather, it’s because the movie itself takes a moment to pull us aside and assure us that literally NONE OF THIS MATTERS AT ALL.

During an earlier point in the film. Dr. Strange takes a moment of meditation and uses the Time Gem to peer into the future.  He looks at millions of potential futures and says that they only beat Thanos and win the day in one of those probabilities.  It’s done in a way that seems to impress upon the audience just how hopeless this whole effort seems, but it’s a blatant Chekhov’s Gun moment since Dr. Strange acts extremely out of character with his decisions from that point on.  He surrenders to Thanos and, right before dying himself, looks at Tony (and almost directly into the camera) to assure everyone that “this is the only way”.  Whiiiiiiich very blatantly means that his out of character decisions were actually intentionally made to set up the one lone “we somehow manage to win” future he saw.  Because HE SAW HOW TO DO IT BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE TIME GEM DOES so literally NOTHING that happens beyond that midway point in the film matters because it’s all predetermined to end up well for the heroes.  Which, right along with the “kill everyone to restore balance” trope, is another of my hated cliches because IT’S SO DAMN LAZY.

That’s really what this boils down to for me.  A:IW is lazy.  It’s all flash and fluff without anything really satisfying under all the sparkly varnish.  There’s no genuine substance to it.  Just a few faux plot concepts that are dressed up to look like they’ve got weight, but just end up being hollow.

Also... Thanos?  Buddy?  If your whole bit is that the universe has finite resources and there’s too many mouths to feed, why not just use your newly-acquired phenomenal cosmic powers to make more resources?  I mean, if you can literally snap your fingers and cause an unimaginable volume of matter (ie, people across the universe) to just spontaneously stop existing, why not just make the universe bigger and fuller for everyone’s benefit?  That maybe might go over better with the crowds, y’know?

[vulva-o-queef]

@hestiaq​ (making a new post because I don’t want to keep reblogging a long threat)

I’m really sorry for what you were put through. I sincerely hope you’re in a better situation now and doing okay. That’s horrific.

I remember the Ted Bundy bit you’re talking about- and she’s…. honestly quite right? If enough men have NPD/ASPD a few of them are going to seem intelligible, I think. I don’t really understand what you’re saying about Ted Bundy- if it’s tongue in cheek or not.

Okay, like I said, I haven’t seen this post she made. necromancerdoll just said that larps said sociopaths/psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others.” I know aspd and being a sociopath are often considered the same thing, and I know a lot of them are pretty transparent assholes. Psychopathy isn’t a formal diagnosis at all, but criminal psychologists do use the term, and there’s a pretty solid consensus on what it means. Some people say psychopaths are a subset of sociopaths, and other people say it’s a similar but distinct thing, but in either case, one of the main characteristics of a psychopath (which a sociopath doesn’t, or doesn’t always have) is that they’re smooth and charming, and they use those traits to manipulate others.

My comment about Ted Bundy was sarcastic (and probably not in very good faith, but also wasn’t really related to the main point of all this), because saying psychopaths “can’t perform well in society/function with others” is the opposite of the truth. Ted Bundy was charming, socially adept, approachable, and likable, which was exactly how he managed to lure in many of his victims. He would put on a fake cast and ask women to help him get things into his car, which is what that scene from silence of the lambs is based on. Larps might be totally aware of all that and just phrased something too broadly. The only way it would be relevant to the rest of what I’m saying is, if she really meant to say that psychopaths are socially inept, it would be another example of how she tries to speak as an authority on mental disorders she doesn’t understand. Mostly I was just poking fun.

Women are over-diagnosed. But I don’t understand how Larps pointing out shitty behavior is the same as “diagnosing everyone”. Also, she’s talked about how borderline personality is over-diagnosed and often ascribed to women who are dealing with trauma. She’s also not talking about it from a “I don’t personally like them” only- “these people” are people who are cruel and vicious and play victim when called out on their cruel vicious behavior.

Clearly, you and I interpret the things she says about bpd and ‘cluster b’ in general very differently. For one, diagnosing anyone over the internet is absurd. In my first response to her, I did agree that she has made some good points, mostly about the link between autogynephilia and narcissism. But that’s about noticing an overarching theme within a specific population, and there’s already a decent amount of academic writing about that link. Case studies done by real psychologists. Actual studies done with controls and statistics and so on. And even with stuff like fucking “trans lesbian” dating profiles that larps points out herself, there is some solid evidence there due to the sheer repetition of entitled attitudes, fetishism, etc, the list goes on. My issue is with the way she thinks she understands BPD when she clearly doesn’t, how she applies “cluster b” or bpd to an awful lot of people, largely young ‘transmen’ or radfems she doesn’t like, and how whenever anyone she’s put down for having BPD tells her to cut it out, or tells her that she’s wrong about them, she dismisses anything they have to say by citing “people with bpd are insane,” or telling them they’re being irrational due to their disorder. Basically she’s using it as a shield to avoid being held accountable for the things she says. “Anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!” I’m not saying she’s diagnosing “everyone.” And regarding transmen specifically, there are a lot of psychological factors involved in that situation, and for someone who’s so vocal about the cultlike, exploitative, backwards nature of the trans movement, you’d think she would understand how absurd and frankly just plain egotistical it is to think she can simplify all of those psychological factors and dynamics down to “cluster b.” Again - remember that she’s talking about people she’s never met in her life, usually judging from one blog description, a handful of posts, or sometimes nothing more than a fucking selfie.

Even as a younger girl with supposed “BPD” (who even identified with the label)- I wouldn’t have found this stuff offensive, and if it did (which I might have, and sometimes still do)- it’s really that easy to log off or go outside.

That’s good for you, and I respect your perspective. And you’re right, I could just log off and ignore what larps is saying. You can say that about anything anyone says on the internet, and technically it’s true. But I didn’t. The things she’s saying are ignorant, I find them personally hurtful, and I think she’s spreading misinformation, harmful stereotypes, and regressive thinking. I see that she’s saying dehumanizing and belittling things to women on this site who deserve respect, and probably worst of all, I see that there are a lot of people who look up to her, ask her for advice, sometimes idolize her a bit, and many of them will believe pretty much anything she says. She’s feeding them bullshit and some really vile ideas about mental health stigma, and how people with certain disorders (mainly BPD) deserve to be treated. I don’t think she’s the devil incarnate, and I don’t think she’s out here ruining lives and destroying families. I think she’s an asshole with an inflated sense of her own insight and knowledge, and I decided to say something. I could have logged off, but in this case, I didn’t. That’s all.

...I don’t understand how Larps memeing on a Tumblr blog and often posting insightful ideas about personality disorders is “insulting, ignorant, and dehumanizing”.

Yeah I don’t know what you consider “insightful,” but posting the definition of “insane” and copy-pasting a list of bpd symptoms and saying “see? these people are insane,” and tagging her response to my post with #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders (callback to “anyone who’s telling me borderline people aren’t irrational is only saying that because they’re borderline, and therefore they’re irrational!”) ...doesn’t quite cut it in my book.

She doesn’t bring up cluster b whenever she “feels” someone is acting unreasonable and dramatic- they… are unreasonable and dramatic- at least in whatever context, and people don’t have to dig deep to see who someone really is to be able to just say “no that’s insane, bye”.

Mmmm... I realize you see the situation differently from me, but am I acting insane? I mean, at worst, I’m making the undeniably blunt way she talks to people into something bigger than it needs to be. And yeah, I know... classic cluster b, amiright? But even if that’s the case, even if I’m misinterpreting her views, surely you can see where I’m coming from. And there are quite a few people who have the same objections that I do (mostly radfems, radfem adjacent women, terves, etc.). When she wrote that tag #have u ever noticed how all of these people have personality disorders, isn’t it clear that she was referring to me, as well as the rest of the radfemmish women who have been speaking against this behavior from her lately? Isn’t she making an assumption that I have a personality disorder (which I do not)? 

Do you really think my objection to the way larps talks about bpd is an indication that I have a personality disorder, and that I’m insane? Unreasonable at worst. But yes, she is absolutely using the excuse that those who object to her saying borderline people are irrational are saying so because they’re borderline/irrational. And like I said, I’m hardly the only example of her saying things like this. Someone just reblogged the original post of all of this and said #I just blocked larps bcuz shes been reblogging random old posts from me calling me a cluster b as bait #as far as I know I’m the only quote on quote crazy bihet that doesn’t have a pd? Someone else wrote #I really looked up to larps hence I’m so torn about this #if I didn’t believe she was a smart and decent well meaning person I wouldn’t care. That’s just on that particular post, within the last few hours.

People with personality disorders are diagnosed because they’re anti social and cause harm to those they “love”/interact with and the cluster b community (that I hung around) spend most of their time groveling in misery- despite often constructing their own fantastical narrative of people horrifically abusing them and demanding to be coddled for every emotion.

Some of them, yeah. Not all of them, and not enough to justify making assumptions about people you’ve never met.

What I mean is- the pain that they’re feeling is an offense to ego a LOT of the time. And other’s shouldn’t have to walk around eggshells to make sure that they don’t injure others egos.

Agreed.

Like it’s not real, rudfems don’t enable or contribute to violence against women. None of these women, no matter how mean they are, contributed to the pain I experienced in childhood for being called BPD- actually it was always men and handmaidens.

I didn’t accuse larps, or any other ‘rudefem’ of contributing to violence against women. I know that men were the reason ‘hysteria’ could be diagnosed in the past, and I know that men are the reason bpd is being overdiagnosed in women today. And I’m honestly not even trying to say larps is being misogynistic to the women she says this stuff to (though re-reading, I realize it could easily sound that way). Misogyny or not, dismissing someone’s perfectly measured, reasonable objection as irrational just because they have a bpd diagnosis - which in several cases, dr. larps diagnosed all by herself - is unacceptable, is the same pattern and circular justification used on ‘hysterical’ women in the past, and is particularly bad because, as we agree, bpd is too often being diagnosed as the new version of hysteria. She’s re-enforcing age-old stereotypes about mental illness, and she’s buying into it so completely that she really believes that borderline people are so unreliable that she knows what’s going on in their heads better than they do. Hence saying that borderline people objecting to her backwards stereotyping are doing so out of a kneejerk reaction to a damaged ego, rather than because they know what she’s saying is false.

Also - she isn’t talking about everyone with “diagnosed” BPD.

If that’s what she means, then she’s the one who needs to say it, not you. Again, I respect that you have a different view of this, and I understand your perspective, I can’t believe what others say about her intentions and supposed read-between-the-lines distinctions, when she doesn’t say it herself, and the things she says and the way she acts do not communicate what you’re saying about her.

Meaning, there’s a distinction between people who have been diagnosed and are suffering, and people who have been diagnosed (or not) and are cruel and have a total lack of insight and disregard for other people.

Mental health is complicated. You can’t divide people with bpd into two clean categories like that. That’s not how it works. And you CERTAINLY can’t lump people into the “bad” category simply because they don’t like how you talk about their disorder. You can’t see someone objecting to what you’re saying and assume that YOU know that they’re coming from a “total lack of insight.” People are not psychic. Larps is using the fact that some people with pds have a lack of self-awareness to dodge accountability when it’s convenient for her. It’s complete circular logic - something you would think she would be above, no? “they’re irrational, and when they complain about me calling them irrational, I can shut them down by saying that any complaint they make is irrational.” I know I keep saying this, but it’s true. In my first comment, I pointed out that this is her pattern, and what was her response? hashtag have u ever noticed how all these people have personality disorders. fucking exactly what I said her response would be, because that’s the only excuse she has. 

And yes, insight is a qualifying factor that “””exonerates”””” (quite a loaded word in this context????) someone from being “really” BPD. The thing about BPD is that they will not (or cannot) change- like it’s not a fixed part of your personality, and if it is- you deserve to be called out, and if it isn’t and you still behave like that… you deserve to be called out, still.

Again, no. If this is the case, then we need to make a second definition to separate “REALLY bpd” from “sorta bpd,” since currently they both meet the same diagnostic criteria. It’s not up to you, or larps, to create definitive new categories of mental illness.

I went from being told I had “borderline tendencies” to being diagnosed with full BPD, to basically nothing at all, because I became aware of those patterns, learned how to be objective about my thoughts and emotions, and practiced resisting them to the point where they only show up if I’m already in a really bad state. I don’t consider myself to have - or to have had - a personality disorder, because I’ve almost completely gotten rid of those mental reactions. But I know people who do have BPD, who are self aware, who are trying the same things I did, but the difference is that even though they now have the tools to keep them in check, those mental and emotional reactions are still present for them, and likely always will be. To say they don’t REALLY have bpd because they’re able to control it is frankly insulting. “If you’ve been able to improve it through treatment, you never really had it in the first place.” I know that’s not how you meant it, but that’s what it boils down to.

BPD is not defined by a lack of self-awareness. It’s a pattern of ingrained emotional and mental reactions (and, subsequently, behaviors). These often develop as a method of self defense against external abuse. Or sometimes there’s no abuse and it’s there anyways. The cause isn’t always clear. But the criteria calling these symptoms “pervasive” doesn’t mean the individual is unaware of them. People who know they have bpd, and who are working on treating their bpd still have bpd.

“...deserve to be called out”... it’s not larps’ business to “call someone out” for having bpd. She can call someone out for acting like a shithead, but simply having bpd is not a flaw that needs to be criticized. Your phrasing makes it seem like that’s what you’re saying, and although I’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant, that’s what larps seems to think.

Not only are neither you nor larps qualified to determine the “category” of bpd that people on the internet who you’ve never met fall into, but even IF that’s how she sees it, then, again, she needs to say that herself, and she needs to reflect that view in the way she treats people.

But to conclude, she really does make that explicitly clear that she doesn’t think everyone with BPD is a “screeching, manipulative, hysteric”.

Where

You made a bunch of excuses for her and I still have no reason to believe any of it is true

However, I’m mostly speaking for myself here because I’ve been hanging around tungle for too long and I mostly want to say that this all doesn’t really matter. Like, so many feminists on here ramble on about “but what about bpd women who get misdiagnosed?” yeah I didn’t face brutality at the hands of snarky women on the internet. These are not the people that even enabled the violence that me or many other women with trauma face.

Again, I didn’t say that. I don’t think she’s destroying lives either, I was just frustrated, saw that many other women are frustrated about her too, and I felt like saying something, so I did. That is the extent of my motivations here. I do think that she is spreading harmful stereotypes and misinformation, but I’m under no delusion that she is causing damage on a massive scale. She is, however, just one more raindrop in the proverbial ocean of mental health stigma. Insignificant as a single drop may be, surely it’s no less significant than any of those people with bpd whose bad behavior you say should be called out. If it’s larps’ business to call them out, then it’s just as much my business to call her out.

It’s not up to her and other women like her to clarify every single thing they say- people DO generalize and we should be able to communicate without having to specify for everyone.

I’m not asking her to clarify “every single thing” she says, I’m asking her to stop acting like a shithead, labeling people she’s never met, acting like she’s an authority on personality disorders, and using her actually wildly skewed perception of these disorders which is steeped in regressive, harmful, and demeaning stigma and stereotypes about mental illness in order to manipulate her way out of being held accountable for any of it. I’m not telling her to stop generalizing for the purpose of communication, I’m asking her to stop making inaccurate generalizations based on stereotypes, and to stop using “cluster b” as a catch-all for bad behavior. Just because someone is a shithead, or unreasonable, or overdramatic, doesn’t make them borderline, and it’s insulting to the people with bpd who are truly good people, who also have to deal with their disorder being an internet trend for self-dx’ers to milk sympathy and excuse their abusive behavior (sounds just like what larps would diagnose as cluster b, I know, but it turns out that many people who don’t have bpd exhibit these traits as well), deal with shitty treatment from healthcare providers who read the diagnosis and think they know everything about you before you even walk in the door (back when I had the ‘full bpd’ diagnosis, a therapist said to my face that people with bpd were considered ‘used goods,’ and my current psychiatrist treats me with an absurd and totally unjustified level of suspicion), deal with the massively pervasive stereotypes everyone else holds about bpd (ranging from ‘serial killer’ to ‘used goods’ to ‘fake trend on the internet to get attention’), as well as dealing with - oh yeah - the actual fucking disorder, as well as often comorbid cases of PTSD, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.

I’m just saying, it would be a lot more effective and hurt a lot less people you supposedly didn’t mean to target if you just called out the actual behavior instead of “calling out” a disorder. Additionally, I’m pretty sure that people with bpd who do lack self awareness are far more likely to respond to direct criticisms of their behavioral patterns than they are to respond to the label of bpd being “called out.” They’d just see the latter as more fuel for self-pity. It’s a little harder to justify being the victim of someone saying “hey stop being abusive.”

And if that’s not enough reasons for you, consider: people who have shitty behaviors who don’t have a cluster b disorder (yes, larps, they exist) are just gonna hear criticisms of a disorder they don’t have and brush it right off. Call out the actual behavior, and there’s a chance they might recognize it in themselves. It’s like a quadruple win.

A hallmark of bpd/npd/aspd/hpd is having no insight into that, that people say shit, and you take what you can and leave it-her, or me, or anyone else mincing that up….. doesn’t help bpd women live in a world where nobody is going to mince anything up ever. It did not help me when people coddled me, and I intuitively knew that and was deeply frustrated with it.

You’re right that it doesn’t help to have people make excuses for you or ‘coddle’ you. But not being unfair and pushing harmful stigma is not the same thing as “coddling.” Nor is “not mincing” words the same thing as saying things that are untrue, unfair, dismissive, and insulting. Much like Trump saying blatantly racist things is NOT “just telling it like it is.” (and no I’m not comparing you or larps to trump or calling anyone racist. except trump)

Many of the women who have ‘spoken up’ about larps on tungle, I’ve seen on other mediums (fb, wordpress) and they’re often just blatantly manipulative

Really? Am I being blatantly manipulative? Or insane? And, to reiterate, is what I’ve said on her post enough for her to assume that I - and anyone else raising these issues with her - ALL have personality disorders? Is it justification for her to say that I’m “glorifying” ASPD/BPD?

and will never have any insight to the fact that all of this is really a non-issue

I gave you several examples above, and here's your treasure trove:

https://larpsandtherealgirl.tumblr.com/search/cluster%20b

Notice how she loves agreeing with everyone saying they’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b disorder, or otherwise says something negative about a person/people with a cluster b disorder, makes sweeping generalizations and basically uses “cluster b” with the same tone that you would call someone an asshole - that is to say, using the same logical standards of “you said some shit I thought was rude, so I think you’re an asshole & I’m going to call you one” when talking about psychological medical diagnoses?

Yeah, occasionally she claims she’s only talking about The Bad Ones, but that’s a pretty thin excuse when 99% of the time you make no attempt to differentiate, and post things like screenshotted symptoms (which - if the “good ones” with that disorder actually have that disorder - would apply to the “good ones” too) with captions like “these people are insane.”

Again, I realize you see the things she says very differently from me, but surely you can see where I’m coming from. And I would hope that you can see that my having this perspective does not justify saying I have a personality disorder, that I am insane, or that I am “glorifying” ASPD and NPD. I would hope that the similar shit she’s said about several other women who said things similar to what I said would also strike you as unjustified. You can make excuses that she wasn’t literally diagnosing me with a personality disorder, but you can’t make that excuse every single time she says something like this.

but instead “leave radical feminism because it’s so full of mean lesbian separatists” and make huge texts about it everywhere else and how rfeminism is a cult.

Okay... this is an entirely separate and irrelevant subject and I’m not sure why you’re bringing it up. I mean it sounds like you’re saying “people who don’t like being told they’re insane are just butthurt kek” which I really hope is not what you’re saying. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of radical women who would object to being called insane and having their opinions dismissed because of a mental health diagnosis, who would raise their objections and still believe in their politics, probably due to the fact that - in this context - those things have virtually nothing to do with one another.

My point is- she’s not just saying ppl who criticize her have bpd- they often do because people with personality disorders come out of the woodwork to be hideously angry at anyone who calls them abusive or “wrong” and “bad” (whatever that means at any given moment).

In summary: I appreciate and respect that you interpret the things larps says in a very different way, and I’m not trying to tell you that you should be hurt or anything like that. But I can’t accept what I see as excuses that you’re making for her, since she doesn’t offer any of those explanations herself, and I don’t see any evidence of the intentions you’re attributing to her, in her own words or behavior.

At the end of the day, larps is the only person who can speak for larps’ intentions (much like the people whose criticisms larps deflects by claiming they’re motivated by irrational emotion and a threatened victim complex SHOULD be the only ones who can speak for their intentions).

And at the end of the day, larps didn’t show anything but disrespect and a total unwillingness to even consider that the way she speaks to, and treats, people with bpd and people who criticize her portrayal and internet-diagnosing of bpd, might not be 100% faultless.

At the end of the day, larps read what I had to say about her dismissive attitude and manipulative, circular justification for avoiding accountability. Her response was to double down on calling people with borderline “insane,” and double down on her own belief that googling a list of symptoms makes her an expert on psychology, as well as an expert on the thoughts in other peoples’ heads. She used the exact circular, dismissive excuse I was calling out, yet again said that the people criticizing her were all doing so because of their - well “our,” I should say, since she diagnosed me - personality disorders, rather than their actual thoughts, opinions, and perfectly reasonable objections. And then she answered a bunch of messages laughing about how crazy and terrible “cluster b”s are. No, she didn’t literally say “EVERY SINGLE PERSON with bpd is like this,” but come on. She’s not the only person who can recognize patterns of behavior.

[centaurrential]

“The Big See”

Before I start this next project, here are some addenda to my last post:

1. I made an error in my section on units of measurement. The time it takes for light to travel a meter is actually approximately 1/300,000ths of a second. However, what I said about using light as a standard for measurement still stands, and it’s pretty reasonable to at least think of it that way. That’s because light is sort of hierarchical in the sense that we obey it (at least we did, initially), and we don’t run the risk of falling into infinite regress, which according to professional philosophers is a problem (I might say that with a little sarcasm...). We didn’t build light like we do its human counterparts in terms of ‘boss-dom’; we only perform something like an irrigation.

2. An important intermediary in the psychology of a grocery shopper is an assumption that the supermarket will have what they need. The very fact that people even make these kinds of assumptions is indicative of how advanced our economy has become. So again, please stay mindful about the processes, that you don’t see plainly, that ensure you can have what you want. In one episode of “The Crown”, set some time in the 1960s, the Prime Minister of Great Britain (who happens to be the leader of the Labour Party - go figure) remarks that the opening of a new supermarket signals the “democratization” of food and other essentials, and he is quite right. Our essentials (and certainly non-essentials too!) have been consolidated into single, publicly accessible buildings--anyone can walk in and out. Many different products sit on the shelves, inertly, side by side--neighbours--as the inconspicuous faces of a wildly complex yet hidden ecosystem.

P.S. The link between human psychology and economics will resurface later in this post.

When developing characters, writers of fiction often comment on the momentum that launches the characters into writing themselves, almost independently of the author’s own mind. Hmm, I wonder why that is? Maybe it has something to do with that little thing that starts with the letter “A” and ends with “rchetypes”... I feel the same way about my own writing, which I view like a fiddlehead unfurling into a frond.

Ok, so, I was brought into this world at the intersection of a lot of different forces at work--I was a bridge between two completely different socio-economic classes, and I suppose that inevitably set me on a trajectory by which I would find myself in many, many diverse and often peculiar social situations. You know, if you’ve lived a quiet life that doesn’t involve zig-zagging from one insane scenario to the next, you’d assume that all people are a certain way. I will never say that I was always comfortable in such situations, but as a result of introspection and for my own sanity I needed to excavate some gratitude for those experiences. The reason for that is, the more difference, the more heterogeneity in the set of things you come into contact with, the more clearly you can see things for what they are. Here’s an analogy: It’s akin to the meaning of something, carved by a sentence. In the spirit of boundedness, sentences are then coated with another layer of meaning as they sit within paragraphs. Paragraphs within stories, and stories within ‘bodies of canonical literature’.

I admit it: I am a spy. When I was younger and less self-assured I’d often find myself the onlooker in social situations, and if I was a participant, it would often be to my detriment. Sometimes that was ‘cause something about me attracted negative attention, and sometimes because I found myself in a state of social paralysis, not having a clue what magic word would open the sky and send the ladder of social climbing down and within my reach. But in all of my glorious sponginess I picked up little observations here and there and so this, below, is the culmination of all that.

This is a commentary on human relationships, and particularly what people think they should offer to those relationships. I must make it clear that I am not pretending the problem is an easy one to solve because we are dealing with instinct, and deeply ingrained attitudes, but I do have principles and I do have an orientation that I prefer. Ultimately the way one chooses to act is their own prerogative (given a certain amount of knowledge that they possess), but there are always sacrifices to be made and consequences to think about. And for those who are capable of it, guilt is a beast.

I was once in a conversation with a mental health professional--a psychiatrist, to be exact. Meaning he had a legal licence to practise mental healthcare, to conduct psychotherapy, and to prescribe medication. He had what we think of as ‘credentials’. He said to me, “relationships don’t define you”.

WHAT?!

This is the kind of person that is entrusted with the emotional mending and security of a damaged individual, and these approaches to life are thought to be okay? Imagine someone impressionable, lost, misunderstood, and unable to understand people in return, taking this idiot’s word as law, and then applying that attitude toward their life’s activities from thereon out. It’s like, why the fuck are you feeling shitty in the first place? It’s because people can be cruel, and if you’re telling me that that’s not at all involved in forming your character, then...well, I just don’t know what to say to that. And the converse is true, too: as a human agent, you do have a responsibility to other people. This psychiatrist was basically saying that you are free from obligations to others, and I think that’s definitely reflected in the attitudes of the immature. If you don’t want that kind of responsibility then go be a hermit, completely alone, in the middle of nowhere, and let’s see how well you do. At least if you’re on your own you won’t have to be accountable to others.

You see, for the people who find themselves on the more radical side of the spectrum of reductionism, nothing and nobody is special, and nothing is sacred. In fact, I think reductionism breeds nihilism. (FYI, if you’re new to the idea of ‘reductionism’, it simply means that anything and everything can be explained in scientific terms. So for example, an emotion you may be feeling is only due to the presence of a hormone, or neurotransmitter, and along with that, its molecular structure and how that interacts with your neural structure.) Every damn thing can be explained to oblivion...

Fools.

Imagine physically entering a room with furnishings arranged a certain way, art of a particular kind on the wall, different colours interacting with one another, and the feeling you get when you take it all in. Do you feel good? It must mean the different elements giving the space definition are interacting harmoniously according to your innate sensibilities. Do you feel bad energy? Then there is something amiss. Maybe you can figure out what needs changing, maybe you can’t. Maybe it’s so overwhelmingly bad that you have to leave the space. I see human interaction the same way, and I challenge the reductionists to piece together every little detail about the nice room that they can, and then give me a scientific explanation for why those details produce a certain feeling. I want it to be revelatory enough to make me go, “So THAT’s why!!!”

I hope you trust your grammar.

I don’t know much about feng shui, but I’d imagine what I described above is similar. And because it’s obvious different people have different aesthetic preferences, it follows that the ‘energetic configurations’ they prefer are different too. By now you probably realize that when I use the term “energy” I’m not using it like E = mc2, I’m using it in the New Age way.

Sometimes quasi-reductionists allow for things called “emergent properties”. That basically means that there are little elements that can easily be described in an atomistic fashion, but that “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts”. If you think that way, then maybe the idea of a soul has some credibility. I think this is what Rene Descartes (also the inventor of the Cartesian plane I used in my last post) grappled with in his investigation into where the mind “sat”. He decided it was the pineal gland, but he was saying that there needs to be a location, a physical location. The mind-body dichotomy is a difficult thing to resolve, if it’s even a dichotomy at all... But I think in general people have a hard time with the concept of a soul because the soul is intangible, and science is now so integral to the way we live our lives that without scientific explanation we are left dumbfounded. But we can’t just leave it at that; oh no, it’s yet another frontier that must be conquered... If there’s something we think we can know, we must know it.

It’s sort of been decided that reason in decision-making is best practice. That was to ensure the people who make decisions are trustworthy; that their personal biases and wacky emotions wouldn’t get in the way of valuable, objective contributions to the development of civilization. If you consider the lay of the land today and you think it’s a good thing, then that shift in thinking paid off nicely. But emotion of ANY kind is now thought to be an interference; it is unprofessional, it is inappropriate, it is not reasonable.

In fact, for many people, relationships are just an afterthought. Like parents who don’t think twice about the way they say things to their young children when admonishing them.  And emotional labour isn’t thought to require as much mindfulness, or to be as rewarding as market-related labour and therefore the young ones you’re responsible for teaching about how to behave as honourable people in the world suffer greatly. Wake up! Those little ones will, in no time, be carrying the anchors of the future within them. Child psychologists have identified the age period between 2 and 4 years to be absolutely crucial in forming a child’s sociability. Of course the relative progression of time for an adult compared to a child is fast. Two years can go by in what seems like an instant (and parents do often say that is the case), but for a child of that age, two years is a hell of a long time. Additionally, we need to take seriously the fact that investment of that type is not something you can just go back and change in case it doesn’t suit you in the future. It’s either now, or never.

And as those kids grow up, they’re going to find something to invest in, too.

Say you, the now-grown kid, decide to one day admit to a friend that, God forbid, you want to fall in love and you are searching for your partner. The usual response is: “Focus on your education. Focus on your career; get that established before you do anything like that.” And the best one of all: “Have some ‘fun’ before you settle down.” Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here.

Right off the bat you know this friend doesn’t give equal importance to both “The Career” and to romantic relationships. You know what that’s a product of? Propaganda. I mean, how could you possibly be a productive member of a capitalist society if you devote a good chunk of your energy to another person? There’s no bankable return on that kind of labour! The perpetrators of that propaganda hate real love because it’s so compelling and because it compels people like that it’s considered a “distraction” - it interferes with the profiteer’s ability to squeeze out of you everything that they possibly can. So what they’ve decided to do is market individualism and radical independence as ‘the right way’. And not only that, but what real love can show you is a need to switch up your priorities, that there is less you need in the way of materialism because the love from this person sends you to outer SPACE!

We’re told it’s a dangerous thing for a person to be dependent on another in that way. But that is yet another example of things we just assume to be the truth because that’s the structure of the current zeitgeist.

And what’s more, you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket because people are fickle. Your education is something no one can take away from you, but your partner could leave in a heartbeat, if they decide there are better “opportunities” around. But then I say to the partner who took off: if you think of love and romance as opportunities, maybe you shouldn’t allow other folks to waste their time on you. And even if you are like that and you think you’ve found someone you could legally bind yourself to, you’re certainly not spiritually bound, and I would hate to be that other person, knowing that you’re not throwing your entire might into it; that you’re not loving at full capacity. 

Of course, that conception of “romancing” can be learned too, and this is where that notion of “fun” comes into play. To be shallow and promiscuous, to make sure that you can lose your virginity as fast as possible, the free love, the cool detachment from relationships - it’s all bullshit. The sixties were obviously a pivotal moment for the shift in perception of sex and for some reason people thought the revolution to be completely justifiable. Now, people are convinced that giving it all away is a sign of liberation, of self-confidence, of self-determination - even if there’s something tugging at them that may be hinting otherwise. And even if that’s genuinely what you want to do with yourself, I can’t help but think of that attitude as being inherently nihilistic.

Many years ago I was reading an issue of Cosmopolitan where I came across an interview with Scarlett Johansson. Never mind what her personal decisions looked like, she said something profound. She said that sex (of the kind that involves both a penis and a vagina) is fundamentally different between men and women: for women, sex literally is invasive. People with penises share; people with vaginas invite. And for a young woman to try to convince herself that she should feel empowered by these invitations, it can be seriously damaging. I’d say the same is true for a lot of men, who really do believe that sex should be shared in the context of committed love, but conventional wisdom dictates that men find it easier to be promiscuous, to separate emotion from sex, and that women really need to “catch up” as part of their commitment to feminism. This obviously applies to non-binary individuals too. Like I said earlier, what one decides to do is their prerogative, but look critically at your reasons for making certain choices. Don’t, for one second, force yourself to believe that being promiscuous is the only way you can take ownership of your sexuality. Coercion doesn’t just happen on a one-to-one level.  

The point is that people aren’t fucking disposable, but of course disposability is capitalism’s modus operandi and that doesn’t just apply to that smartphone of yours that’s gonna break in a couple of years (or that will be superseded by a better model, whichever comes first).

People do still look for love; it’s in our nature. But these days, they make lists of qualities their ideal partners must possess. And it’s always generic shit like, “must have a sense of humour, must be kind, must be good-looking”...o rly? But the things that cause you to love a person can’t be captured with such dull language. When I think of these lists, I think of that song by Beyonce, “Irreplaceable”. She’s telling the dude not to get too comfortable because the spot he is currently occupying can easily be filled by someone else! That is not love, that is opportunism. Why would you even bother? When you really love a person, you think, “This is the truth. Things cannot be any other way.”

I also happen to think that once people sort of reach the age when marriage becomes a serious consideration, they often don’t marry because of love and a willingness to merge their lives. It’s more like, “Well you seem convenient and this is yet another thing I have to check off my to-do list.” I really want to give some folks a good shake and say to them, you do realize that the wedding you are planning is ONE day where you get to be the star, where you’re gathering the people that mean something to you so you can make a public declaration of your love and commitment to care for the person’s heart (because that is your responsibility), and that a wedding day is absolutely nothing like the rest of your life?!

And then there’s that trope in modern Hollywood, where partnered, career women gather around wine and complain about their significant others. Guys do it too, but they’re obviously shown drinking beer instead of wine and it’s more like, “Oh, you know the old ball-and-chain said I did X wrong today...” And similarly, in “The Crown”, where Tony, Princess Margaret’s photographer lover distinctly says, “Marriage is the opposite of happiness” - but they get married anyway!!! It’s like there’s a brick wall that’s being thrown up, cutting you off from your partner. That doesn’t look like a real partnership to me. And I think, the moment you decide that’s what you’re gonna do, that’s how you’re gonna live your life in response to this other person, then you should seriously reconsider your choices. I used to look at people who behaved like that and think, God, is that what marriage is actually like? Then I want no part of it! Those sorts of arrangements inevitably lead to misery. And divorce can send a person packing with their tail between their legs because it is perceived as a failure. And rightly so. It is a failure of mindfulness, it is a reflection of the “afterthought” I spoke of earlier. It is an indication of your decision to work harder at other shit than at your most important relationship. It is a situation where gratitude is replaced by taking things for granted.

People tend to think that if you’re not a relative of someone’s, that when the “only” stakes at hand are romantic/intimate ones, that such a person is untrustworthy. That’s because those bonds are no longer thought to be strong enough to withstand tests. Let me provide you with a reality check: sometimes even your blood relatives cannot be trusted because they don’t always have your best interests at heart. And if you assume that their goodwill toward you is a given because you are a “natural” family, you would be wrong. Again, you must always pay attention to a person’s motives, what spurs them into action, and we would all do well to treat opinions formed out of resentment with a grain of salt.

You may think that psychopaths are only out to end conscious lives, but those are only the obvious ones, and often they don’t get very far because they are so obvious. The people who put their own evil to good use are disguised in much better ways - so well that you can’t even tell, and they’re the ones that deliberately manipulate your thinking for their own benefit, but definitely not for yours. You may have encountered someone like this in your personal life and sensed that something was “off”. But you’re in denial because there’s no way someone close to you could have evil in them, and you really want to believe that he or she is a good person, but you certainly won’t say anything for fear of blowing the roof off the house. How awkward would THAT be?

I want to offer a new definition of capitalism, which is “the method of creating problems where there are none, and offering a solution that can only be purchased.” Problems are identified in advertising and marketing. Solutions are in the shops. Take make-up for example. I’ve worn it, and at some point I’ll probably wear it again. It can be fun; it can be a way to express yourself as part of a sartorial performance, where people gather to see what you have to (non-verbally) say. But I do not approve of the thinking that a person needs to distort their features, every damn day, because they think their natural faces aren’t good enough. Over the last decade or so, make-up development and marketing has basically exploded and been supported by seemingly innocuous vehicles such as Instagram. And why is it that women suffer disproportionately in this arena compared to men? Don’t get me wrong - men have their problems too, which I will talk about in a bit. But THIS is just so lopsided: what capitalists are telling you is that there is a gap between who you really are and how you should be, and you need to fork out the money, and you need to engage in more labour, to close that gap. No doubt though, what they demand of you must be reasonable enough that it will captivate a large enough audience to make development worth it.

“Aspect perception” is key here, and I’m not talking about ‘contouring of the face’. I’m talking about the entrenched attitude that your plain skin, in all its blemish-y loveliness, needs fixing. I do believe it takes courage to go out in public and leave behind the foundation and the concealer and the other like, SEVEN products some women use daily, because in a way you are baring yourself and you are making yourself vulnerable. Flamboyant women have it easier than flamboyant men, that’s for sure. But male faces are fine just as they are; why can’t that hold true for women?

So now we’re entering the territory of that wild beast we like to call feminism. I just want to make a disclaimer before I piss a lot of people off, in case I haven’t already done so: there is absolutely no way an umbrella term like feminism can equalize all women in terms of the problems we experience, and we must be very careful to sift through those problems that women happen to experience, and those problems that women have because they are women. After all, feminism is at its core a meditation on causes and effects, problems and ways to mitigate them. I mean, I don’t blame people for the messiness of this topic - it’s really bloody hard to put one’s finger on a single, fundamental fact from which all problems emanate. What I absolutely cannot condone is the idea that the solution is to HATE MEN. Sure, there are disgraceful men around, but there are also disgraceful women who believe that they possess a sort of “moral immunity” just because they are women. I’ve had conversations with (at least partially straight) women who may or may not be in relationships with men, who BASH men for the sole reason that they are men! It’s shocking. Would you want to be in a relationship with a person who felt that you were a problem because of something you couldn’t change?

I understand that patriarchy can hit women hard. Some more so than others. But men suffer because of “patriarchy” too, and they don’t always enjoy the privilege that leftists assume men have. Let me explain it this way: when you see a man with power, you see a man. The problem on “the woman’s side” is that she feels there is no one to represent her. That’s one kind of problem. On the other hand, what men see when they look at a man with power is someone pretending to represent them, but what’s actually going on is that the man-spectator identifies all the qualities he has that don’t match up to the ‘ideal’ ones being marketed, and sees that gap I spoke of earlier and really struggles with what he needs to do to fill it. So here we go, here is a problem for which a solution must be found. Feminism shouldn’t be about antagonism between men and women, but unfortunately that’s how things have evolved and certain subsets of women are playing dodgeball with certain subsets of men. Men aren’t just thrown into the world as babies with a hunger for domination - those are learned behaviours, just as women with questionable morals are taught too. But of course a lot of men feel they need to keep quiet because this privilege is their birthright and because they’re men they’ve forfeited any shot at an opinion! At least that’s how it appears to me.

I’ve encountered all manner of people in my life, and let me reiterate something that I think we’ve heard lots. No matter what political orientation a person has, no matter how “cool” they are, to decide if they’re worth having around you must look at the way they treat people, because that’ll illuminate what they really think life should be made of. I’ve met people who consider themselves “radical social justice warriors” and “progressive”, but they’re rude, unkind, and worst of all, they lack humility. Many of them are filled with hate too. And while it is obvious that we need to recalibrate ourselves socially (hence this post), oppression comes in forms that many progressives are totally oblivious to, often because they are “worldly” individuals who come from middle-class backgrounds. 

Oppression is not just about the colour of someone’s skin or sexuality. For crying out loud, a person who is too tall or too short can technically be oppressed too, if they find themselves in a situation that wasn’t constructed with their literal point of view in mind!  I would define oppression as “a relationship between a person and their environment, whereby the environment is constructed in such a way that does not allow for the free and comfortable movement and expression of that individual.” So oppression isn’t static, and if we were to continue thinking of it as static, we’d still be running into problems trying to figure out what the hell to do about it.

Now, you may be asking why I’m talking about radical politics in a post that is focused on relationships. I’ve been around people who were socially disenfranchised. Not since I got ‘woke’, but when I was a child. There’s nothing less motivating or less empowering than the feeling that no one listens to your voice and you haven’t got anyone to translate for you, or to amplify your voice through a friggin’ megaphone. The people in those positions are usually poor, but they’re still trying to live their lives with the goal to at least sometimes feel happy. If that means shopping at big bad Walmart, then so be it. There is no “organizational”, or mobilizing potential there. It is by virtue of that fact that they continue to be in the positions they are in! They have few friends. They are avoided. They are forgotten. You don’t act like a good person because if you don’t you’re going to Hell. You act like a good person because you can’t stand the thought of someone else’s loneliness, pain, and the thought that real love might be completely absent from their lives. And to think that you have caused another’s pain, that is hell in itself. Sometimes I think about those people and I get sad, but what comforts me is the beatitude, “The meek will inherit the Earth.” That one always stuck with me.

Another thing. I’ve come into contact with people who have anarchistic sentiments, and frankly I sympathize with them. They do see how messed up this world has become and some feel desperate enough that they think we’d all be in a better position if we didn’t have capitalism’s puppets signing on the dotted lines. However, I don’t think it’s practical to raze the organizational components of society to the ground. Not only because the sheer amount of infrastructure we’ve built, but because things are so convoluted that people would enter a state of psychological shock! And while some shock is good, too much is debilitating. So with that understanding in mind, any criticisms I have, I offer from a dialectical perspective.

Karl Marx kind of used dialectics in his theories, and what the word basically means is that you’ve got something called a ‘thesis’ and something called an ‘antithesis’, with the antithesis usually being a response to the thesis, and they are always in opposition in some way. If you get lucky, you can meld the two together to generate a ‘synthesis’. This process can go on indefinitely, but the premise is that you can use the tools you’ve already got (and we have MANY, both technological and conceptual) to create something new... and possibly something better. People are angry all over the place (obviously - look how long this post is) and for good reason, but we really need to rethink how we channel that anger. I believe we all agree in one way though: just cut the shit.

Evil is a supernatural thing that preys on you and intentionally toys with the way you see yourself, and the way you see other people. It performs a rape of the soul. It creeps so slyly it can literally be staring you in the face and you don’t even notice it. It’s not like the ‘bad guys’ you see in Hollywood, where it’s blatant about its evilness. What’s so shockingly messed up about it is that it can totally disorient you. It sends you spiralling, shoves you into insanity, makes you distrustful, suspicious. It isolates you. It can cause you to value things you shouldn’t, and it devalues what’s already good. 

I know, because it’s happened to me.

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

// The Rotten Royals - A look at how fucked up the ‘good’ Royal Family of Spirit of Justice really is.

So having finished SOJ and having had a little time to mull it over, I gotta say that I still find a lot of the antics of the supposed “good” royal family pretty fucking fishy. 

We’ve got an emotionally insensitive king-consort, a skeevy prince and a woefully useless queen, all of whom are fiercely protected by the writers’ mouthpieces in the game.

The title is a little misleading as only one of the people mentioned actually has any royal duties, but the point here is to point out how the writers accidentally made their supposed ‘complicated heroes’ into straight up assholes. 

Each section will be prefaced by a name in case you’d rather just read one section rather than all of them (cause there’s a lot to write)

So, as promised, here’s my little analysis of the Royal Family of Spirit of Justice.

DHURKE

So let’s start off with Dhurke, shall we? Because Dhurke sucks.

Now I’m going to be as fair as I can while still maintaining my grievances. As I’ve mentioned before, I can see where they were going with Dhurke. They wanted him to be the awesome rebel leader who laughs in the face of death and danger, and who roguishly rescues the poor endangered hostages. etc.

And I can accept him as that. I can accept him as a rebel leader. What I can’t accept him as is a reliable, caring or competent father figure.

Since the points are numerous, I’ll put them in bullet form and then expound. Oh look! One bullet per shot in Dhurke’s chest. Nice!

•Dhurke provided no emotional security for either of his sons, sometimes even the exact opposite 

Early on, Apollo recounts a particular story that happened in his childhood; when he was small, he and his foster brother Nahyuta were playing by a river when the two of them fell in. Dhurke quickly rushed to their rescue and scooped them out of the water, insisting that any time they need him, they should call, and he’ll come running (a little hard to pull off for a kid with a lung full of water, but i digress). However, he also proceeds to essentially tell his two toddler aged sons to “suck it up; boys don’t cry” about nearly dying. This kind of ‘manly man’ behaviour persists for the length of his character, despite the fact that he lived in a Matriarchal society that most likely wouldn’t have those kind of roles enforced on their boys.

Later on in the case, Apollo nearly drowns again, and while Dhurke saves him a second time, the moment Apollo comes to, Dhurke proceeds to make light of the situation. One could say he was trying to lighten the mood and comfort Apollo, but the fact that he allows Datz to howl with laughter at Apollo’s expense (not to mention Trucy if I remember correctly,) proves that he doesn't see the situation as very upsetting because Apollo survived, despite what Apollo might feel on the subject. 

Dhurke also appears to Apollo right the fuck out of nowhere, without a single word of warning, after FIFTEEN years of complete radio silence. Apollo is understandably pissed off, but Dhurke makes no attempt to talk Apollo’s feelings through with him OR apologize– he simply does everything he can to play off this awful behaviour as no big deal, and even asks Apollo for a favour. When Trucy gives Dhurke the benefit of the doubt, not knowing their shared history very well (and having Daddy issues of her own), Dhurke immediately suggests Apollo marry her, apropos of nothing– implying he wants nothing more than Apollo to immediately accept him, rather than confronting the emotional issues he started in the first place. 

Apollo isn’t the only victim of this either; when Dhurke interacts with Nahyuta, both his tone of voice and sprites indicate a bewildered sort of patronizing air. He asks why Nahyuta has betrayed his cause, but doesn’t seem to show much actual betrayal or hurt on the subject. The way he treats Nahyuta while talking about his motivations and morality makes it seem like he doesn’t actually care about how Nahyuta feels or thinks– he sees him as more of a piece in his game rather than a beloved member of his family. 

This seems even harsher when we take into account the fact that Nahyuta is doing all of this against his own will– so not only does Dhurke seem completely indifferent to him, but he admonishes him like a child when Nahyuta himself is going through an incredibly difficult time. 

Dhurke doesn’t even trust his own son, not for a second wondering if perhaps there are extenuating circumstances behind his supposed betrayal, despite knowing what kind of a woman Ga’ran is. 

•Dhurke often undermined Apollo’s skills, and kept glaring secrets from him

One of Dhurke’s first orders of business on arrival to America is to give Apollo a plate of sushi and say something to the affect of “wow! you’re doing WAY better than i imagined you would be, son!” which, to someone like Apollo, must sting a lot. Dhurke does say that he believes in Apollo later on, during the trial, but considering the other evidence, it seems disingenuous, and more like he was just trying to pep him up so that he could achieve his desired result. 

Continuing a point from the previous bullet, Dhurke pops right the hell out of nowhere to visit Apollo after years of neglect. Sure, he may not have been able to leave the country, but considering the stuff he did manage to do, there was nothing stopping him from secreting letters to his son. Either way, his motivation to finally visit his son was the fact that he’d run out of time to do just that. He was DEAD, and he knew he had to see his son one last time before he went. Seems kinda sweet.... until you remember that he also went to secure Apollo’s services to help him in the final trial against Ga’ran. 

And thats what brings us to his ridiculous secret keeping– the fact that he kept his death a secret made a load of the final trial an absolute chore to get through. If he’d simply explained to Apollo that he was already dead, a lot of the contradictions in the trial would have been removed, thus making it easier to come to the truth. He actively sabotaged his son’s chances of winning to keep up a useless charade. Because whether he told him then or after, Apollo would have to live with the fact that Dhurke got himself killed before he ever managed to see Apollo again. Sure, letting Apollo believe he was alive at first might have spared him a large amount of initial angst– but in the long run it was an absolutely idiotic move. It put Apollo in deep emotional turmoil while in the middle of a very sensitive case, and directly decreased his chances at surviving the ordeal. 

One could say that Dhurke simply kept the secret so that Apollo would cooperate with him more willingly, thus giving the trial (and therefor the revolution) a better chance at succeeding... but that would simply support my point by showing that Dhurke’s a cold, calculating bastard who used Apollo as an unwitting pawn. 

Either way, his decision to keep his death a secret was deeply disrespectful to Apollo’s feelings, and his refusal to grant important information nearly killed his entire family. 

•Dhurke often put people in needless danger for absolutely no reason at all and performs insanely boneheaded moves for the supposed head of a revolution. 

Let’s start chronologically with a problem that’s been glaring at me from day one. 

Upon becoming a fugitive, Dhurke sent Apollo to America to keep him safe from the dangers in his country. This, at first, seems like a kindly move on his part. But it falls apart when you consider the fact that he kept Nahyuta with him, and the consequences it had.

His decision doesn’t work emotionally or practically, because.... 

-On the practical side, he sent Apollo away to keep him safe, but keeping Nahyuta meant putting Nahyuta through the very danger he wanted to protect Apollo from. Not only did Nahyuta risk imprisonment or death by his association with Dhurke, but he was also canonically ostracized by all members of his society and affectively made a pariah until he became Ga’ran’s right hand man. This makes Dhurke look like he considers Nahyuta his property (being his biological son) rather than a loved member of his family. Sure, sending Nahyuta away to America would leave him childless, but it would assure Nahyuta’s safety, and being with Apollo would mean he wouldn’t be alone. Practically, this would also mean Dhurke wouldn’t have to actively worry about his children’s safety while rescuing Amara and getting the revolution underway.  

-On the emotional side, he sent Apollo (his adopted son, therefor not his flesh and blood) away to a place the child knew nothing of, to grow up an orphan abandoned by his birth and adoptive parents. It’s notable that during flashbacks, Nahyuta calls Dhurke ‘father’, while Apollo simply calls him ‘Dhurke’. These two together make Dhurke look like a callous man who didn’t consider Apollo his real son, or a valid member of his society, and simply sent him away to prevent him from becoming a hindrance. 

Neither option paints him in a kind light, and it makes you wonder what was going through his head at the time. To be a little more meta on the subject; the decision makes sense to the writers, who have to shoehorn this backstory into Apollo’s established past, but they failed to realize how awful it made Dhurke look as a human being.

Now onto the next point. During the trial, Dhurke keeps numerous important secrets, mouths off at the queen and generally behaves very difficultly the whole time. This would be nothing more than an annoyance during a normal trial... except this is a trial where the DC act is in place. And Dhurke knows that.

Dhurke knows full well that if they lose, Apollo, Phoenix, and his entire rebel group (if captured) will be put to death. Yet he continues to act like a roguish piece of shit the entire time.

This makes Dhurke look almost sociopathic– he cares more about being rebellious than the safety of his own son and numerous other people. Because he’s already dead, his line of reasoning appears to be “well, i’m dead! who cares if they kill me?” which once again means that he’s completely disregarding the other lives he has on the line by putting them in this predicament in the first place. 

As mentioned above, not telling Apollo about his death put major obstacles in Apollo’s way to winning the trial, thus putting him in grave danger. If we assume that Dhurke was trying to spare Apollo’s feelings for as long as possible, you just want to shout “Apollo’s life might be a little more important than his emotions right now, Dhurke!”

This leads me to my second... third? Point.

Correct me if I’m wrong, because I’m still totally mystified on this…

Why did Dhurke take Maya back to the hostage situation? 

Dhurke rescued Maya from Inga and got himself killed (in the most idiotic and short-sighted way possible– good job o glorious rebel leader) and then asked Maya to channel him so that he could visit Apollo for the last time.

Ok, that seems all very well and good. Except... why would he take Maya back to the hostage situation he rescued her from?!

This was days after he’d saved her life, and even more importantly, he knew that he had done so. It wasn’t like with Dahlia, where she didn’t realize Maya was the one channeling her– Dhurke knew full well why he was still on earth, and who he was cruising around inside (which also makes his actions in the cave a little nasty too– being pretty careless with MAYA’s body, aren’t you, Dhurke?).

Returning Maya to the hostage situation not only put her in danger, but it also allowed Ga’ran to put forth her evil plan in the first place. It’s not clear if Dhurke knew about the plan from the beginning, but if he didn’t, there’s literally NO reason for him to make the “exchange” for a girl who isn’t there. In fact, why did Inga even think he still had a hostage? Dhurke rescued Maya days ago.  What the hell was anyone thinking?!

Let’s say this does make sense; let’s say that both sides “collaborated” for different reasons to bring this sham together so that we could have the trial of our final case (Ga’ran wanting to crush the rebels, and Dhurke wanting to crush Ga’ran).

- If Ga’ran knew Maya was already rescued, what reason would she have to assume that Dhurke would return with her, rather than taking her to safety?

-If Dhurke knew about Ga’ran’s plan, why wouldn’t he try to sabotage it and expose Ga’ran right then and there?

The entire ending of the game, including Ga’ran’s plot, seems to hinge on completely backwards actions. I really cannot fathom why Dhurke would bring Maya back to a hostage situation he’d already rescued her from. 

Granted, for this point I will say that the plot is so convoluted that I may be missing something that makes sense of it... But considering the quality of the writing, I doubt it.

The final point I will save for Amara’s section, as it concerns her. But rest assured, it is an ENORMOUS plot hole.

NAHYUTA 

Nahyuta Sahdmadhi. Sad-mad indeed. Not only is Nahyuta a complete ripoff of Simon Blackquill (who in turn is a ripoff of Miles Edgeworth and Jowd) but he’s an even more unlikeable ripoff of said character.  

Right from the beginning, Nahyuta is presented as a smug, holier-than-thou douchebag who uses the excuse of “it’s my religion!” to treat people abominably. 

His accusations are shaky at best, and his reasoning seems to be less fuelled by logic and more by malice. During the two turnabouts he faces in America, Nahyuta claims the defendant would kill over incredibly trivial or easily manageable matters, and claims that he's completely right because... karma..? Yeah– his Prosecutor Power isn’t even ever explained, and rarely brought up. We know Simon is a manipulative bastard, but Nahyuta’s “karma” powers are never satisfactorily explained in any way, shape or form. 

His odious nature is amazingly difficult to deal with, and the poor attempts of Lol Foreign Guy humour they throw in barely makes up for it. Godot was an asshole, but he was charmingly eccentric and charismatic. Edgeworth was an asshole, but he showed proper logical thought in his deductions. Franziska was an asshole, but she and Edgeworth share the Von Karma excuse, as well as also being quite clever in her rebuttals. Simon was an asshole, but he had a generally good reason to keep up his nasty behaviour. 

Nahyuta? Well, he shares the same excuse– he’s trying to protect someone by acting the part of the evil prosecutor. Except... he only really has to do that while he’s under Ga’ran’s eyes, e.g., in Khura’in.

While in America, Nahyuta has NO excuse to act like such an insufferable prick. Not only does he force his religion’s dogma down others’ throats (which would be equally obnoxious if it were any other religion, say, Christianity) but he’s actively malicious for no good reason. As I’ve mentioned before, but must mention again– He directly tries to use Athena’s PTSD against her to make her unfit to act as Defence.

When we get to the reveal, Nahyuta claims he’s being blackmailed with his sister’s safety into submission by Ga’ran. However, this doesn’t explain WHY he has to act like such a terrible person. He could very well have simply acted as a devout, if civil prosecutor, doing what Ga’ran asked of him without any further malice. But let’s say he put on a horrible facade to further placate Ga’ran.

Then why does he keep up the charade while out of her line of sight? If he truly hates his situation, as he says, one would think he’d find foreign trials to be a welcome respite from his terrible, exhausting act of villainy. 

But no– he gleefully flings self-righteous abuse at foreign lawyers, while in THEIR COUNTRY, serving under THEIR LAWS. And this, combined with the fact that he only puts up a resistance to Ga’ran when Apollo already has her on the ropes makes him look like a bully who actively enjoys his power, and quickly defects to align himself with whoever is suddenly on the winning side. 

AMARA 

And at last we come to Amara, who is the least malicious and most mysterious of the three. 

Amara is held up by the people of Kura’in as a just, benevolent queen who brought them prosperity and peace. Her death is greatly mourned by her people, and much rejoicing is had when she returns to them.

But is Amara really that great? Well, considering the circumstances, no.

Amara’s excuse for siding with her villainous sister is the same as her sons; she’s scared of what will happen to Rayfa if she disobeys. 

Now, while it’s never directly stated, this is supposedly what prevented Amara from simply revealing herself to be still alive, thus dethroning her horrible sister. 

But there’s a window of time that doesn’t match up with this excuse– and that’s during her pregnancy. 

Here’s the excuse the game gives us: 

- Amara claims that she didn't trust Dhurke when he rescued her, which is why she returned to her sister’s service.

This is most likely a lie, because she says so while still under Ga’ran’s power. But if it IS a lie, it makes no sense why she wouldn’t out her sister at the nearest available moment. 

If she trusted Dhurke, it would be easy to deduce that Ga’ran was behind the initial arson. After all, the chain of events went thusly:

Amara’s house nearly burns down, but she miraculously survives. Her sister claims that Dhurke caused the blaze, and encourages Amara to fake her own death to ward of any further assassinations, meanwhile giving Ga’ran the crown. Ga’ran keeps Amara under house arrest and has her make it look like Ga’ran can channel spirits. Ga’ran puts a law in place that outlaws defence attorneys, and makes defence of criminals punishable by death.

When Dhurke convinces Amara that he didn’t set the blaze, then the only logical (or at least, deeply suspicious) culprit is Ga’ran. 

If neither Amara nor Dhurke realized this, when putting their respective stories together, they’re colossal idiots. If Amara DID realize this, then her inaction is inexplicable. And finally, if Amara really didn’t trust Dhurke... then the writers of Spirit of Justice are implying that Rayfa is a child of rape. Because I highly doubt a woman would willingly consent to sex with a man she believed tried to kill her. 

Later on, there’s a second excuse for why Amara didn’t try to challenge her sister.

- Amara was a kind soul who loved her sister, and didn’t want to hurt or mistrust her.

Well this is absolutely ridiculous. If Amara simply didn’t out her sister because she loved her, then she’s an absolute shit queen. This means that she cared more for her sister’s peace of mind than the wellbeing and safety of her own people. She was foolish enough to believe that the woman who framed her husband for murder and usurped her crown would be a fair and just ruler. And letting– LETTING her sister impose the DC act meant that she was indirectly responsible for the oppression and death of many of her people. 

Her inaction during her time on the run with Dhurke cost her country hundreds if not thousands of lives, culminating with that of her own son.

One might say that Amara might not have been safe enough from Ga’ran’s forces to reveal herself– yet, she was protected by Dhurke’s rebels, and the royal guards would most likely have still been loyal to her at that point, especially if she revealed that her sister couldn’t channel (which appears to be the only reason they follow her. what a delightful system they have in place)

Even during the time when Rayfa’s reputation (and possibly life?) is at stake, Amara makes no attempt to even try to oppose her sister. She simply sits idly by while her people suffer and die under her sister’s iron-fisted regime. Sure, it would probably be dangerous to attempt, and it would be a tragedy if Rayfa’s life was taken in the process... but compared to the hundreds of other families destroyed by the DC act and Ga’ran’s corruption, it seems like a smaller price to pay. Sometimes leaders have to make difficult decisions for the good of their people –something that is deeply impressed upon poor little Rayfa throughout the game– and Amara fails to rise to the challenge. 

So in the end, Amara’s portrayal makes her look naive and childish at best, and callous, apathetic and neglectful at worse. She is, at least, certainly not the excellent queen everyone makes her out to be.

In general, the Sahdmadhis are all kind of assholes. And what’s most depressing is that if the writers had put just a little more effort into writing them (instead of having other characters mindlessly extol their virtues), they wouldn't have been. With a few simple dialogue/story tweaks, Dhurke could have been a complicated, but ultimately sympathetic and loving father. Nahyuta could have been a deeply conflicted but ultimately virtuous person in a desperate situation. Amara could have been an intensely tragic character who tried to protect those she loved, but was ultimately rendered powerless by forces beyond her control. 

But strangely enough, it seems that all the failings the writers accidentally heaped onto these three are completely absent, or explored in depth in...

RAYFA

Little Rayfa, only fourteen years old, who has been spoiled and abused all her life, somehow manages to be a better person than all her family combined.

Once Rayfa is exposed to a different way of thinking by Phoenix as early as the third case, she begins thinking critically about her situation and actions. Despite being a child, and being raised to think a certain way and never question it on pain of... well, something horrible, Rayfa not only shows a surprising amount of compassion for her stunted moral growth, but actively defies her “mother” several times. She puts herself in a surprising amount of danger to help two people considered criminals in her country– simply because, despite her conditioning, she sees something wrong with the situation, and wishes to fix it. 

Rayfa stands tall where Nahyuta cowers, she reaches out where Dhurke pulls back, and she looks deeper where Amara looks away. 

If this were intentional on the part of the writers, it would be a deep and interesting moral. But considering the context, Rayfa is just accidentally far more heroic and sympathetic in comparison with her family.

As I said during my play-by-plays, I don’t loathe Spirit of Justice, and I think the game introduced some interesting concepts and ideas. It simply failed to play them out with any sort of competence. I don’t judge anybody for liking Dhurke, Nahyuta or Amara, but I can’t sit idly by without pointing out the piss-poor writing job the characters had. 

You can’t just write a character who makes terrible decisions, and then make them “good” just because everybody else says so. A complicated character needs effort put into their portrayal, and this effort is simply something that the SOJ writing team didn’t bother with. 

But that doesn’t necessarily mean the characters are out of luck. We’re role-players– writers! We have the power to fill in the gaps the original authors neglected or forgot. There’s hope for the royal family yet– it’s just not in the hands of Capcom.

[lostinreality014]

The Album that Turned My World Around

Today is the 2 year anniversary of a certain band’s sophomore album release day. At the time, I had no idea this particular album was going to turn my world around, and turn it around for the better. The band responsible for said album and the shift in my world is 5 Seconds of Summer.

If you know me, my iTunes library is pretty eclectic. I have everything from classic rock to Broadway, and punk rock to classical. Of all the albums currently taking up residence in my library, there are two albums that broke me and pieced me back together again. One of those two, impacted me in a way that no other album ever has. And that album is 5SOS’s album, Sounds Good Feels Good.

On this day last year, I did exactly what I’m doing right now. Writing about the album that literally turned my life around in one of the most positive ways I could have never imagined. I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it many times in the future. SGFG is the first album in which I related to every single track in some way, and it is the first album that had a profound emotional impact on me. I remember listening to it the night it downloaded on my iTunes and crying through most of my first listen. The next morning, on my way to work, as the tracks began to sink in and take on more meaning, I ugly cried my entire 45 minute commute (it was in bumper to bumper traffic).

When I think about how this album has impacted me, I’m always reminded of how I never connected to music in high school and my early college years the way I connect to music now. That’s not to say that I didn’t connect in any fashion when I was younger, because I did. There were a lot of songs that helped me get through a variety of times – both good and bad. But when I really look back, it’s clear to see how my connection with songs and music wasn’t nearly as deep as it is now. I realize it’s because I needed time to grow up and experience life. I was so caught up in my dance bubble at the time that I hadn’t experienced a whole lot of “real life” – for lack of a better phrase. After all, how can one truly relate to songs that talk about relationships, social/political issues, and other life experiences when you hadn’t experienced them for yourself? As I do every time I listen to SGFG, I find myself asking, “where the fuck was this album 16-17 years ago when I was in high school?!” And every time, I realize that I’m far more grateful that this album exists now and that it was released when it was.

Last year, I asked you to take a short side trip with me as I shared a story with you. I’d like to share that story again with some small updates. It all comes back to SGFG, I promise.

For 23 years, dance was my life. I started dancing when I was 5 years old when my mom asked me if I wanted to try ballet and tap. By the time I was 12, dance was no longer a recreational activity for me. It was my goal and my dream to become a professional ballet dancer with a major ballet company. My training schedule went from classes 3 days a week, 3-6 hours a day, to training/rehearsing 6 days a week, 6-12 hours a day. Training/rehearsal hours were even longer during tech week, show weeks, and show days. As I got older and started studying other styles of dance, my dream shifted from being a dancer in a ballet company to being a dancer in a contemporary company. Unfortunately, the dream of dancing professionally in a company didn’t become a reality. Let me re-phrase that. My dream partially came true. I danced semi-professionally with a small civic company in a small city out in the middle of nowhere west Texas. It just wasn’t the dream I’d dream of.

I still vividly remember when I realized my ultimate dream of dancing/performing professionally wasn’t going to happen the way I’d hoped it would. And it was a huge disappointment for me. I felt like I’d failed myself. But I couldn’t give up dancing that easily and I decided that I was going to dance as long as I could and take any opportunity that came my way. And looking back, there are some really incredible things I did get to do that I might not have been able to do if my ultimate dream had come true. When I started dealing with injuries on a near constant basis, I knew my body was telling me enough was enough. Deciding to pursue a new career path was one of the scariest and hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. Dance was who I was. Dance was my escape. The dance studio and the stage were my home. They were the places where I could let go and be me; where I could freely express my thoughts and feelings through movement without worry about being judged – to an extent. I was “judged” on my technique and performance abilities constantly. That comes with the territory. Dance wasn’t a hobby, it was my way of life. Dance taught me so many things about life and about myself. Dance shaped me to be the person I am today. Going from dancing every day for 14 years of my life to not dancing at all cold turkey was extremely difficult. It still is.

I shared that story with you again to say this: SGFG helped me come to a big revelation if you will. When I say it broke me and pieced me back together, I mean it. I just didn’t realize it had done that until New Year’s Eve that same year after seeing one of Michael’s tweets. That album, along with Michael’s tweet, helped me realize that it’s okay to struggle with figuring out who I am all over again. It’s a long, difficult process to discover who you are in general. But to re-discover yourself after a big life/career change… that was a whole new beast I had been in no way prepared for. And I think anyone who has faced and/or is facing that change would agree with me.

To this day, Sounds Good Feels Good reminds me that I am not alone and that there are so many other people fighting right along beside me to discover who we are, and fighting to find our place in this crazy world we live in. To this day, this band and this album constantly remind me that it’s okay to be feeling the way I am, which is totally and completely lost 98% of the time. Every time I listen to this album, I’m reminded to keep doing what I’m doing, to keep fighting, even on the days I don’t want to, because I will discover who I am again when the time is right. I still find comfort in the reminders that 5sos gives me through their music and especially through SGFG. And that is something I will always be grateful for.

Luke, Michael, Ashton, and Calum:

It’s been two years since this album dropped, and I still can’t seem to find the words to even begin to express the amount of gratitude I have for what you’ve given me through your music, and especially Sounds Good Feels Good. But I’m going to try. Again.

Truly and sincerely, thank you. Thank you for helping me come to the realizations that I have in the last couple of years and for always reminding me in some way that it’s okay to be feeling the way I am. It’s like I said earlier, I do wish SGFG had been around when I was in high school, but I am very, very, glad that it exists right now. It helped me through so much in the first year that it was released, and it still helps me through rough patches now. With all the insane shit that we see happening across the world these days, I know I wouldn’t cope as well as I do if not for this album.

Thank you for constantly reminding me that I’m not alone in the struggle that I face right now, and that one day things will fall into place. Thank you for using the platform you’ve been given to be, and give, a voice to me and so many people who feel like they don’t have one. Thank you for writing an album full of songs that so many people can relate to. Thank you for writing songs that address issues that many people are hesitant to talk about. Thank you for inspiring and encouraging me and thousands of others to not be afraid to share our own struggles. And in turn, thank you, for being courageous and sharing your own struggles with us. It seems far less terrifying to open up to those I’m comfortable with when the four of you have been open about what you’re going through in front of the entire world.

Thank you for the constant reminders that it’s okay if we don’t always fit in, that’s it’s okay to be different and to stand out. It’s okay to be who we are. And if people don’t like us for who we are, then it’s their loss not ours. Thank you for always reminding us that no matter who we are, where we’re from, or where we’re at in life, we’re all struggling with our own battles and it’s okay to not be okay. Those constant reminders and the comfort they provide mean more than you can even imagine.

It will never be enough in my eyes, I’ll never stop saying it, and maybe if I’m lucky at the next soundcheck (if you continue to do them), my brain won’t go into auto pilot mode and I’ll actually tell you this before asking you my question: Thank you for everything you’ve done and everything you still do. Not just for me, but for anyone who is a fan. And thank you for Sounds Good Feels Good, the album that broke me and pieced me back together, and became my own personal safety pin.

Happy 2 Years of Sounds Good Feels Good! @5sos

[padmesbox]

Top ten songs I’m listening to

I was tagged by my awesome friend Susan @by7the7sea thanks, Susan :3

I present you the top ten songs I’m listening to, in no particular order... though I do apologize for all the rambling because it’s not like you asked to read all my bullshit I’m sorry lol

1.- Send Them Off! by Bastille - I first heard this song early this year because it’s part of the FIFA 17 soundtrack and my brother told me on many occasions that I should listen to it since he knew I was into another song of theirs that was part of the FIFA 16 soundtrack. It took me about 4 months to take my brother up on his offer and my only regret is that I had to procrastinate this because had I listened closely to it the first time baby bro told me to, I’d have known them sooner lol I remember it was mid May when I broke the promise I made to myself of not falling for another band (because I tend to go a bit... overboard when it comes to bands lmao) because the moment I read the lyrics and listened to the first idk notes? I was hooked and completely fucked because I knew there was no turning back, so here I am 5 months later, still unable to listen to anything else that’s not them (well, I do listen to some other stuff but it’s really 90% them). This one’s on my top three of fave Bastille songs, it’s very special and important to me, plus like?? it’s so Good?? so so Good. 

2.- Hangin’ by Bastille - I found this one via the FIFA 16 soundtrack and my brother; I remember having the oh oh oh oh oh chorus stuck in my head for weeks before I decided to finally download it, and it was a song that helped me get through the first few months of my new job last year (it made me feel less lonely because it reminded me of my brother, plus that voice, wow! Such a unique sound and a very noticeable accent, even before I completely fell ‘in love’ with Dan, I Adored his voice). I haven’t stopped listening to it since then, and with my recent experiences in life it’s also gotten a new meaning for me, which made me fall in love with it all over again. It’s also my pride and joy because it’s the song (besides Pompeii) that I knew before I got into the band, and a song I Loved before I knew the guys by name lol

3.- Run For Cover by The Killers - My forever boys, my loves. This is their most recent single, it got me hooked from the start, it’s also my favorite song off their new record, and what can I say? I missed them desperately and terribly, so it’s like a breath of fresh air to have another The Killers’ fave and just having new songs to listen to.

4.- Walking The Wire by Imagine Dragons - It just makes me feel so Good listening to this. Their new album in general makes me feel good and hopeful, it sounds different from the other two records, both of which I Love because they’re so relatable to anyone going through depression or/and anxiety, especially the first one and they helped me get through some shit back in 2015, but this new one is just Dan coming out of all that, the struggle with depression and anxiety and idk it gives me hope that I’ll get there someday. Anyway, back to the song lol, it’s a beautiful love song and I just I love it even if I’m not in a relationship, fuck it, I love it.

5.- Haunt by Bastille - Oh man, this song... this song is something else?? I wasn’t so into it when I started listening properly to the band because, even though they just have two LPs, they have so many songs and it took time for me to listen to each one closely and fall in love with every little sound and every lyric?? So when it was this one’s turn, wow, it changed me (I’m pretty sure every song of theirs has changed me when I paid attention to them), especially when I watched videos of it being performed live... something else. There’s also a version of it from when Bastille was not Bastille and it was just Dan and it is Amazing, as well.

6.- Something Just Like This by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay - This song is so cute and well, it’s Chris Martin in vocals, what else could you ask for? I also love it because it kinda makes me think of stray dogs with the ‘I’m not looking for somebody with some super human gifts, some superhero, some fairy tale bliss, just something I can turn to, somebody I can miss’ bit, because I think dogs don’t want you to be special to love you, they just love you because you’re you and when they’re alone in the streets, they want someone to love and who loves them in return, idk it makes me feel so emotional about dogs, maybe because the first time I heard it, we had just adopted our 5th pup lol but yeah.

7.- Palm Trees by Lowell - Another FIFA soundtrack song, from FIFA 15. It just makes me feel so nostalgic and I unironically listen to it when I’m in a melancholic mood because it brings back a lot of memories not for what the song says or anything, it’s just the way it sounds? so I listen to it to get even more nostalgic, I just like to get sad lol 

8.- Pompeii by Bastille - I know it’s their most famous song and that for long time fans it’s been a little bit overplayed lol but for me, it’s a song that I love because of many reasons, the main one being that I knew it, I heard it back in 2013, back when all I knew about Bastille was that its lead singer was called Dan and he had a mighty quiff lmao... so, I was aware of their existence because well they were everywhere, but I was stupid enough not to follow them in that moment, and I like to hit myself in the head with the fact that I did listen to the song in 2013 and I knew they were my kind of band but I put ‘on hold’ giving them a listen just because I wasn’t in the right mood for new obsessions (and because I promised not to fall for bands to the point of insanity anymore, which seems to be the only way I get into bands lol) and I knew damn well I was gonna get obsessed with these boys so my ‘I’ll give them a listen later’ transformed into 4 years later and it took my brother and FIFA 17 to finally push me towards them because I’m a natural born procrastinator and a piece of trash who could’ve found them years ago but no, I had to wait 4 years. I just imagine what it would’ve been like to fall for them back in the day and I get angry at myself lol. The song also took a turn when the earthquakes in my country happened, which gave it a new, deeper and kinda darker meaning for me.

9.- Sweet Talk by The Killers - This is my song and I will listen to it forever until the end of time because of what it means to me, it’s my most beloved song, I think and I just wish I could like idk get married to it or something to prove my undying love for it lmao but seriously...

10.- Basically every other song by Bastille - Since it’s the last spot, I couldn’t choose one because like all of their songs have been played equal amounts of time in the last five months by me, so Bastille’s entire discography is my top ten of songs I’m listening to lol 

Bonus: The Killers and Imagine Dragons new records 10/10 recommend and yeah, it’s the other stuff I’ve also been listening to. Plus youtube mixes of fantasy soundtracks from like video games and stuff :3

I’ll tag my other Awesome friend @nopancakehouses, if you feel like it, I’d love to see your list ^-^

[theloniuswomb-blog]

Spiderman: Homecoming Can Suck My Fucking Dick.

Holy Shit. Where do I even start with this film? I wanted to like it a lot. I was intrigued by the casting of Tom Holland as Spider Man. He came off well in the Marvel Civil War movie, I remember thinking to myself; “Hey! His part was funny! Just the right amount of awkward, slash, comical that I instantly recognize as Spider Man. Awesome!” Now, I usually have doubts about any superhero adaption since the hit to miss ratio is all over the place, but this I thought could work quite nicely.  I saw the trailer, and like the little whore that I am, it got me wet. Wet hot with sexual anticipation. The CGI looked impressive. The action sequences looked crisp and innovative, the tone of the shots were dark and brooding. I expected drama, emotion and a plot-line that, although may not be the most original, could perhaps come through with some good acting and a tight script; with some inspired direction thrown in for good measure. This was the package I was creating for myself in my brain. My golden goose's egg.  And, much like Verruca Salt, I made a big song and dance about it to everyone, throwing glitter and sheets of colored plastic all over the room. But also like Verruca Salt, I also got hit with the trap door. A trap door that golden eggs get shat down, and so do we, right along with em; to burn for all eternity while Gene Wilder laughs at our scorched bodies.  First off, let's start with the tone of the movie. It doesn't have one. It has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be. It's got this light hearted vibe when Spidey is around that feels completely alien to the murky goings on of the Vulture. You get scenes where Peter Parker is walking through the school, drooling over hot girls in the most forced and gormless way. (SPOILER: Most of the film is of Tom Holland looking gormless at everyone around him.) Juxtaposed with Michael Keaton straight up killing people in the most nonchalant way possible. It's kind of infuriating, it was like there were two movies going on in tandem and neither of them had any particular relevance to the other. I must say, Michael Keaton gave a fairly decent performance, but he could have been used so much better. I saw Birdman recently (something I couldn't ignore as a massive, quite probably intended irony of Keaton's career) and I was impressed. I had problems with that film too (But I'll leave that for another review) but overall the acting was really fucking solid. Like I say, I was impressed. But obviously, good acting doesn't matter anymore for films like this. I honestly thought the newer incarnations of Batman would have taught a lesson to the makers of these kinds of movies. But obviously not.  Let's get to Peter. Peter is the most insufferable character ever. He's meant to be very smart, yet doesn't use his brain once. Not only does he not use his brain to problem solve, but he doesn't use it for introspection at all. The amount of times he puts other people's lives at risk in this movie is astounding. If this feature of the plot was used as a tool to move Peter's character forward as he matures into a new and exciting world, I can forgive this whole problem. In fact, that's kind of what I wanted to see. Progression. But it never comes. Spider Man sees bad guys robbing the bank. He attacks, not even stopping when he realizes they have incredibly powerful weapons. He carries on and ends up blowing up a deli over the street of a man that earlier in the movie is established, that he knows. Not once does he show any remorse for this horrible incident. He ruined a man's career, livelihood, and potentially could have killed him if he happened to live above the shop.

In another instance, Parker sees bad guys driving; he attacks them on the highway where loads of other people could die from all the high tech weapons going off at high speeds. He knew the types of weapons they had but did it anyway. He could have followed them to their destination, found out where the base was, who was involved in the organization and work out a plan. He could even find out the buyers if he cased them for a few weeks. But this thought never crosses Peters mind. It's just attack all problems in the face until they die. I mean fuck, this is a whiz kid of physics and science, some of the most logical shit ever. Yet he can't even think up a simple fucking plan to take on his enemies? Honestly, it's so hard to relate to Peter in this movie. You'd have to be some kind of autistic sociopath in order to find him tolerable. After a while Tony Stark comes along. Fuck me, Robert Downey Jr. couldn't give one flying fuck about this movie. And it showed like hell. His whole character in the film was just him playing himself not caring in various tropical places. I honestly believe Tony Stark represented how little of a fuck the writers and director cared about this film. He was a direct mouthpiece for the writers of the movie to say “fuck you” to the audience. Honestly, every time Parker fucked up, Tony would say “Oi, Parker, stop fuckin around!” but never explains why. He never says “Hey, you could have killed people back there! Are you insane?” instead he half asses his reasons and when Parker questions him on it he just says “because I said so.” Like fuck, you'd think after the first time Spidey fucks up, that's the time to sit down and talk. Jesus Christ should you even wait for a first-time-fuck-up in this scenario? Tony Stark, one of the smartest men alive, waits for Spidey to fuck up three times, THREE TIMES, with the third seeing spider man nearly sinking a whole ship of people due to his negligence. Hundreds would have died. It's incredible.

So, Iron Man finally gives some punishment after this. He takes away Parkers new shiny Stark Spidey Suit, to which Parker says “I'm nothing without that suit!” to which Stark replies; “if you're nothing without this suit, you don't deserve it.” or something to that effect. Instead of Peter having a moment of clarity and saying “fuck, people nearly died, I nearly died. Maybe I need to switch up my game and show Iron Man I'm more mature than this. Show I can use some strategy and grow into this role I'm destined to have and finally use my genius brain to devise a plan.” Nope. That's wishful thinking partner and you can get shot around here for that kinda talk.  Instead what we get is Parker learning nothing, and him creating some kind of device that allows him to go out and fuck up even faster and directly than before. They use some kind of tracker map to find the Vulture, who is breaking into an airplane full of Stark weapons. An Iron Suit included. Now, what the actual fuck? I don't know if the Vulture knows this, but Iron Man can remotely control his suits. If one were stolen, you can bet your bottom dollar he'd activate it and cane your operation into next week. But the Vulture MUST have known that, since he remotely controlled his own mechanical wings to try and kill Parker earlier in the movie. So what in the actual fuck is this man doing? He's inviting Iron Man into his lair. Willingly. It's the most stupid thing ever. It also gives so little motivation for Parker to do anything about the situation. Once he realizes it's Stark tech, he should have left. Because Parker also knows Iron Man remotely controls his suits, there's a whole scene that points this out near the beginning of the film for fuck's sake. The Vulture would have been a goner immediately upon the knowledge of the hijacking. It's easily the most retarded part of the film.   So Spidey decides to go all-in despite knowing Iron Man could easily kill this guy remotely and nearly ends up causing this plane to crash all over the city, no doubt killing thousands of people. In fact, an engine falls out while they're fighting on the plane's wings. Parker shows no regard for that at all. No remorse for the people that no doubt were killed by the falling debris. Fortunately, Spidey manages to use his webs to bend the out-of-control plane wing and steer them to safety. (Well, he crashes the plane into a sandbank.) He takes down the Vulture and leaves him tangled at the scene old school Spidey style, with a note to boot. Wow. How amazing. And he did it all without his shiny suit! He overcame so many obstacles and shortcomings, we really went on a journey there with old Petey boy there. Oh wait, that was the film I was daydreaming about while I was being shat on by this movie. Upon Stark learning of this situation, he instantly has Spider Man brought to the new headquarters of the Avengers, where he was about to announce Spider Man as a new, key member, along with an even better shiny suit. Like, what? Seriously? This kid needs a dressing down, not a new three piece. But it doesn't come. All we get is Parker declining the offer, you get a mild sense that he realizes that he's in over his head, and maybe this is all a bit much for him. But it's not really expressed very well. It all feels so odd and disjointed. I mean here we have Iron Man, the guy who cared about people dying from collateral damage in Civil War; who hunted down the Winter Soldier because he was a danger to the public, (who also for some reason killed Tony's parents,) caused a rift with the current most powerful heroes and his teammates, as he also wanted them to register their identities to an official data base to help reign them in and hold them accountable. Yet for some reason Tony couldn't give the time of day to say “Hey kid, tone it down you're getting crazy out there.”  I'll stop ragging on the film soon, but before I do, I want to mention the love interest. This was one of the most wooden romances I've ever seen. No chemistry. She was called Lizzy. It turns out Mary Jane is the other sarcastic girl who makes the closest things to jokes in the movie. Which I liked, but they didn't do nearly enough with. Again, there was an opportunity for him to grow with this character, have his attention turned to MJ, have him realize this Lizzy girl was a bit vacuous and boring, while this other girl was interesting and fun. But again it didn't happen. Instead, Lizzy moves away because of plot reasons that I won't give away, and MJ is merely hinted at as the new romance for the next film. Which is fucking boring. Honestly, it's so dull. I hated all the romance scenes. I wanted to like them, I mean shit, the girl was so hot. They even get an ass shot of her in her bikini. I was like “wow these are meant to be 15-year-old kids, what are they thinking? Isn’t this inappropriate for a kids movie?” (They are not 15-year-old kids, just to clarify. But for the plot, they were). They could have used this screen time to have Peter reflecting on his Uncle Ben, or bonding with his Aunty. Who, in my opinion, should have been told about the Spider Man thing. I think her knowing earlier in the film would have been a good dynamic to use. He should have told her right away after his first fuck up. I know it might deviate from traditional Spider Man lore, but as a film, it would've been a much more interesting watch. Aunt May is such a central figure to the Spider Man universe, as is the Uncle Ben storyline, but neither are given any sort of focus. Overall this film is garbage. In true Warski style, it was Garbage. Full on trash. I hated Guardians of the Galaxy less, and that's saying something. That is really saying something. Because that movie was awful. For Spider Man I have to say: the overall plot was good, but there were so many missed opportunities that it became more like a midlife crisis by the end. The choices to make for this story seemed so obvious, it was almost like they were purposefully not taking the logical steps in the narrative in order to make this movie as painful as possible. (Because the razor wire they'd jammed way up in your ass, to the tune of £13.50 for 3D, just wasn't quite painful enough.) Fuck this movie, nobody should see it, I hope it fucking bombs in the box office. Which it won't because, like the little whores that we are, we're all just gonna fan-boy for Spidey like we always do. I honestly regret spending money on this. Don't even buy the DVD, it's not worth it.

Before I go I need to mention something else; humor. Peter was not funny. He had moments of fun, sure. But he was not funny. Peter Parker is witty. He is known for wit, not fun. Again, this could have been used as a plot device to show his coping mechanism for dealing with such raw shit all the time. He exudes wit and comedy in the face of danger, then behind closed doors doubts himself. Like fuck, is a 15-16 year old really meant to be doing this shit? Getting involved in weapon trafficking and the criminal world after his Uncle Ben being shot and killed? As an aside, thank god they didn't make us re-live Uncle Ben's death. I was glad they kept that as a past event that we didn't need to see. One of the few good touches of the film. You could say it was like wiping just a bit of shit off your arse with your finger. There's not quite as much shit there anymore, but now it's on your finger, so. There you go.  So, what's my ultra biased and not subjective at all, star rating for this film? 1.5 out of 5. Some action was good, the 3D sucked, the acting sucked, the writing sucked, the CGI was good, Michael Keaton was good, everyone else didn't give a shit and ultimately it showed. Don't see this film. Boycott it harder than Isreal.

[toddmichaelrogers]

Letter to You

Time continues to march toward nothing. I pass along with it, happy to see currents ripple and shift until I find my reflection marked by tell-tale signs of fear and what some expressionists (scientist who study faces) might call “pretty gay”--but I myself learned to accept as “mostly straight, don’t mind seeing a dick though” a long while ago.

(READ MORE)

The world is falling into the sort of post apocalyptic chaos our stories have been worried & also warning us about for several ages. I’m pretty excited for the 80s again (who knew far right fear tactics, dance music, cocaine and a cold war would ever come back in style?) If you’re reading this as a printout in some sort of home-fashioned bunker, the year is 2017, the American President is a reality star billionaire who was elected by people (both good and bad) in an effort to clear out the politicians in the country’s capital. 

One dear friend of mine referred to it as “burning down the house” which is all well and good, unless of course there are people living in that house you have attempted to burn down. 

We are three weeks into an uncertain world, run by a puppet of far worse men, a puppet who is obviously, quite clinically insane. I actually worried about typing that for an instant, here, in the “land of free speech”. That’s how bad it is. The people surrounding him are open racists / enemies of the LGBTQ community, and misinformed religious fear mongers. This week airports across the country were shut down by protesters after refugees and travelers from several foreign countries were banned from entering. I saw a picture of Muslim people praying in an airport while an American crowd cheered them on and it nearly moved me to tears. (And I eat a lot of salt, so if I cry it burns and I fuckin’ feel it). I will not leave this country. So what am I to do? Should I write politicians? Call them? Does this matter at all, or has it ever? I have lists of resources on Tumblr, saved between gifs of cartoons and porn searches. What am I to do? Also what gets the best results? “NSFW” or “Boobs very humungo gifs”?

I don’t know what to do. But I am grateful for the art and politicians this horrible world is about to create.

EFFORTS the band I am in was asked to play a show. This is nice as no one has heard our music. We have declined any other opportunities to perform, but a few weeks into this political fuckquake was the right time to ask, I guess. So tomorrow we have band practice, and then we’ll be playing our first show ever, later this month. I definitely want to puke but in like, a good way. Like prom nerves. Prom puking.Like a  Prom-Puke-Posal

We’ve been recording our first album since November 2015. Back then it was just me and Zach. Then a guy named Geoffrey heard our demos and asked to play bass for us. No one else was asking, so we eventually said yes. Nearly a year later Zach and I tracked most of the album (there are maybe 5 songs still missing) and Geoffrey had sent us his bass demos for each. It was October 2016 and the album has been taking so long that I started pulling demos together for some other sort of release. I was going to call it DAMNSEL & THE EUTH GROUP and Geoffrey said he would produce it, but a few songs in it became obvious we were just making another EFFORTS album and now Zach is involved as well.

xxxxx

New future efforts stuff @thisisgeoffrey and I fucked with last night.

A video posted by Todd Michael Rogers (@d_a_m_n_s_e_l) on Jan 3, 2017 at 12:40pm PST

xxxxxx

The plan is to finish our first LP (I Bought You A Coffin) and then either license it to a record label, preferably in the UK (Plan A) or just do it the fuck ourselves (Plan B). Then when that’s all said and done we’ll have the next bit of music ready, which will be released as two EPs (2.1 Sorry Everyone Disappoints You) and EP2 which I have a name for but it’s not official or anything (2.2 Mean Songs to Hurt People). After we release the 2 EPs-- each holding 6 songs--we’ll smash them together for our second album (2.final form May The Eyes That Rise Upon You Never Know (Your True Heart). I even have album covers for all three but I ain’t showin’ em here yet. So far the first EP is missing 1 and a half songs, and the second is all in demo pieces.

A lot of these plans seem fanciful at best but it’s sort of how I always work on things, ‘shoot for the stars and hope you don’t put a bullet in your own boot’.  A lot of it came about one night when Zach and I stayed up drinking as we concocted a five year plan, should anyone ever ask us if we had one.

But it all start now, with finishing this album, making our facebook page (LINK), playing our first few shows, and releasing our first single (May You Absorb all Evil) But look, we even have a cover for it, granted to us by the artist Liam Barrett. We’ll release this baby sometime this Summer, along with a music video I have been meticulously planning for over a year.

*

I miss writing the novel. It’s been over a month since I touched it, but printing out my progress from the start of 2016 to the end was amazing.

I think the time away from it will be good, the fear, the worry, the feworry is leaving it for too long, allowing it to get lost in the current of the sea (see opening paragraph, this blog).

My plan is to look at what I’ve done (dangerous) do a quick edit job upon it (also dangerous, but hopeful/most/ly this is just a grammar bombing), and then see where the first 200 pages are at. I hope I’m doing the right thing, the bow of the ship needs to be set through some very particular territory, and even I know I’m telling a strange story in a weird way. I could smashed to bits upon the rocks of those who would never publish it.

But I miss it.

*

WHYLC is a comic book I started writing 10 years ago next month (Jesus Fucking Christ) and which I eventually self published online after taking it upon these keep-it-100 hands to illustrate. Issue 2 will take even more time, but for those of you who read it, the work shall continue. I reallllly like making comics and it was sort of the first thing I ever wanted to do writing wise. 

PS Issue 1 can always be found right here (LINK)

*

Spell Saga could destroy anyone, at any given time, if they saw the scope and horror of the project, stretching like ley lines backwards & forwards, away from my heart. I’ve spent the better half of a year working days and nights to pay for both a) my cool ideas and b) my dumb mistakes. This has resulted in many more cards being printed than initially anticipated, and most of my ‘money bucks’ being sent out as packages of said cards to patient wonderful truly unbelievable fans across the globe. 

(Meagen Crawford took dis pic)

Do you know how long it takes to package something? Or even double check and print the correct address? Let alone figure out a packaging solution after the US Postal Service gave you the WRONG information? It’s been a fucking nightmare--but a super neat problem to have. I can panic and smile, I do both all the time.

The next step of the process is sort of manifold:

First I have to finish sending packages to places like the UK, Singapore & Brazil. Then I have to wire the final amount to the manufacturer which was delayed by all the changes we made during initial production. THEN I have to finish re-designing DECK 2 (it’s just a new Photoshop HD makeover, no rules changes). THEN I have to get the packaging for deck 2 finalized (make sure everything is the right size, get UPC code etc.) THEN I have to wire the manufacturer to print this deck and ship everything out together from Hong Kong to any US coast and down to me in lil ole Tennessee.

Then I get my shit together. Spell Saga has been bruised and hidden away while the manufacturing continued. Having Decks 0, 1, and 2 printed and at my fucking door (taking up most of my living room) will give me the privilege and honor of sending everyone another deck for free (thanks for waiting) along with sending out marketing packages to game reviewers across the Earth. It will coincide with the continued but stalled development of the Spell Saga library (a web page of game resources formerly known as the wikiFAQ).

Getting the game back up to good standing is a very real priority for this lonely designer. When I have all that cooking at the right degree I can finally finish the main game by Designing DECK 3 and the Ending with Cousin Lauren. (Then I’ll have to pay for that one to get printed too. That’s 10 grand. Right there.)

PS Cousin Lauren has a page for her art now. Check it out (LINK)

In the INTERIM. The Meantime. IN the age of Meanness: I’ve been designing a new SPell Saga deck, called 1.5 The Under Sky. It’s a sort of bridge between decks 1 and 2, that also acts like a warp into deck 3 if it’s played right. The Look, Feel, Story, and emotional journey of this Deck matches the others--it’s still the story of The Last Minstrel--but while decks 1,2, and 3 were created with the emotions of a bad marriage and a young man afraid of what his life might have become, this DECK is sort of based on how it’s felt to publish the game and everything that’s happened to me in my own journey. Making things is hard. It’s so hard. It’s super terrible and impossible. But getting to the end is the whole point of a journey, and this deck celebrate that.

In The Under Sky, you play as The Last Minstrel, but you’ve sort of lost your way to The Forest, as well as your friends. It’s the idea of knowing exactly what you want, until a sort of early 20s suburban existentialism hits like a storm to blow you so off course you aren’t even sure who you are anymore, much less where you’re going. During the game you’ll explore the insides of living keeps called Castle Crashers, making friends with mirages and using a creature called the dark pixie to pull magical items out of ordinary places. There’s also a river of blood that’s spilling out from a talking disembodied head of a fallen god. It’s pretty cool.

If I’m nervous about anything it’s that the mechanics are advanced to say the least. It’s still the same old Spell Saga but there’s new ideas there too. Like, imagine five cards that are in a circle. The hero token (representing your character) can move left or right on the circle visiting each card (each representing a different place to visit) if you’ve played Spell Saga before, the idea should seem familiar, it’s the main and most basic mechanic of the game. But now, imagine each card in the circle is a stack 5 cards deep, and when you move from one stack to the next the cards in each stack are shuffled, the order they rest in dependant upon how you enter or leave the stack with your token. That’s some scary shit to try and “make a rulebook out of” but I think it’s going to work. I want every Spell Saga deck to kind of have it’s own vibe going on, each playing off the mechanics you may have learned in the previous deck.

There’s other Spell Saga news too:

If anyone is reading this Realmwalker ~ Science//Armor//Romance will be republished with typographical errors removed and a new box sometime near March. This was a game I released a year ago (Judas Iscariot Priest!) on The Gamecrafter, and then removed until i had time to fix it.

The next Realmwalker ~ The Discordant Shore is half designed and really a very exciting game. I think it should be done by June, and that one will also be on The Gamecrafter. The Reason this one took so long is half the cards are also copies of special handmade cards I’ll be sending out to people who spent dat ca$h on the Kickstarter, y’know, back in 2014 (Satan’s Red Mouth!).

Are you still here? Are you still reading this?

French Toast Gaming Co.’s next game, something I first worked on twenty years ago, and then spent the better part of a decade worrying about is about to be released this year. EPIOCH was supposed to come out last August, but many delays pushed it away. Now my good friend Weshoyot has nearly finished the art, and all the game needs is more playtesting and a rulebook before it pops up on The Gamecrafter. Here’s an art peek, and you should check out her instagram. (LINK).

That’s everything I needed to type out to stay sane. Thanks for following along all three of you. I appreciate it. There’s been other things too of course, lost jobs, another concussion, dreams where I tell my secrets to people who look disappointed. But you don’t need to know any of that. Not really. It will all come out in the artwork anyway.

OR THE patron page PODCAST, I GUESS.

-mE.