#...but then i felt distress when i was told i wasn't valid because that's what i've been told all my life...

[intersex-support]

Hello! I've been nervous to send in an ask for a while now. I've recently discovered that I'm not hormonally intersex despite how much I thought I was, I was born "pseudo-male" and was operated on as an infant to appear female. This has given me a feeling of distress that I haven't been able to shake. It all started when I was reading articles about IGM and people who found out they were intersex and had these surgeries done to them. The further I got into it the more worried I got because it was familiar. Constant doctors visits as a child, having your privates being deeply examined and pictures being taken, I was told by my parents that those things were normal they are just making sure there's nothing wrong that I am functional and all kids go through this. What I didn't know is the wrong already happened. I started to look deeper, stunts sexual pleasure? Got that. Causes nerve pain? Check. Infertility? Found that out when I tried to donate eggs for rent money they also told me that my body just wasn't "capable". I remember all throughout my childhood how much my parents forced me to be feminine, the skirts I was required to put on, the dresses that were for every Sunday, the plethora of pink and just pink. I'm terrified to confront my parents because these are people who believe that trans people should face a mass genocide, but I already know they know and they kept it from me and they've silently used it as a reason to abuse and neglect me as a child. After finding this out so much more makes sense, how much my brother's births are celebrated vs mine, how much they are appreciated vs me, I can now put a label to the face of disgust they make when I wear anything but feminine clothes. I can hear what they think in their heads 'went through the whole process and you still aren't a girl what a waste'

I just wanted to share. I've been suspicious of being intersex for a few years now but I had always thought it was pcos. I got my big confirmation that it wasn't just a few days ago and I'm trying to heal trying not to feel like if I didn't dig my nose into it all then it wouldn't feel violating and I wouldn't have this dread. I want to be closer to my community and I want to find someone like me but that's another thing I'm struggling with because I know there's not many like me who have found out. I just want someone to talk to, someone who knows and who can tell me I'm not alone that this isn't a horror I'm facing alone that they lived through it as well and that I can keep living through it and that I can be proud of my body. I can say all these things to myself and they mean nothing.

Thank you, for reading, answering, even just considering and deleting this ask. I love your blog and I cannot express enough how much it means to me. How much I need this sense of community that you provide.

Hi anon <3

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry that you had to go through IGM, uncomfortable and traumatic doctors appointments, and dealing with your family's judgements. You deserved so much better and any rage, grief, and anxiety that you're feeling right now is so valid. It can be such a big shock to finally get the confirmation and then start to look back through your whole life, putting the pieces together and looking at past events through a new light. You're not overreacting and you deserve all the time, space, and support you need to process this new understanding. And you are absolutely not alone. There are mods on this blog who have survived IGM, many of us who have survived other forms of correctional medical abuse and we really get what it's like to find this out and deal with the aftereffects. I know for me, there's been certain times during my intersex journey where I found out new information and it felt like my world had ended, and I couldn't understand how the rest of the world just kept moving when it felt like everything I had ever understood about myself was different. I thought I would never be able to get to a point where I could feel anything about being intersex besides dread, shame, and fear. And there's still a lot of shame and anger that I carry--but that's not the whole story for me anymore. There are days when I can say intersex is beautiful and actually believe it, days when I can feel proud of my intersex body and it's not a lie.

Anon, I'm sending so, so much love and solidarity your way. Nothing that happened to you was your fault--not the IGM, not the doctors appointments, not your parents' reactions and not doing more research and finding out all this about yourself. I really believe that you will survive this and get through this, and that there is always that room for hope that someday, you will get to a point where all of this feels less raw and painful. That doesn't mean that you need to pretend that everything's okay right now if it doesn't feel okay, but just know that being intersex and surviving IGM and medical abuse does not mean that you are destined to feel this amount of overwhelming grief for all of your life.

It's absolutely okay if you don't feel ready to reach out to intersex community yet, but if that is something you want, I want to share some options for you. If you want to join the intersex discord server we run, send an ask off anon and I will send you a link. If you're under 30, Ispace is a Facebook group for intersex people to connect. Interconnect is also an option that has a support group, and also conferences to meet up with other intersex people in person. I'm also going to link this collection of personal stories from other intersex people that was really helpful when I read it early in my intersex journey, but I do want to give a warning that many of them talk about medical abuse and surgery and I know that can be overwhelming.

We're here for you, anon, and please feel to reach out again if you need anything, even if it's just to vent.

Best wishes 💜💛💜

-Mod E

[memorymessage]

kat with the Correct Take, as usual.

i started truly exploring my gender identity right before the "anti-SJW" movement became extremely mainstream. even before that, and ever since childhood, i have been drawn to masculine representation—i roleplayed male characters online, i cosplayed male characters in real life. when i learned cosplay tricks to look more masculine—like when i learned the first instance of low-budget binding with ace bandages—i started using those techniques out of cosplay in my every day life.

i didn't know what being transgender was until i was 16—already many years into cosplaying and roleplaying—when i stumbled upon and read a story about someone's gender discovery and transition. when i read it—i sobbed. i couldn't properly explain why i was sobbing. i kept telling myself 'this isn't you, this isn't you,' but it was striking a place so deep within my soul, i almost didn't know what to do with myself. i couldn't parse why i was responding the way i was to this discovery of what it meant to be transgender.

in short, i felt like the gender dysphoria i had felt for many years had finally been given a name and pointed to on the map that was my brain.

over that year, i began to learn more about gender expression by researching online. i learned that gender could be a spectrum, and i started to reflect that with my understanding and representation of myself. however, i also witnessed the rise of transphobia and edgy commentary that mocked trans people alongside this learning and research period.

i felt so scared to be the target of this mockery, that when a new online friend of mine discovered my private social media, i immediately deleted that social media—hoping they never saw any pictures of me or read any of my journals before i could delete it—and told them that i was trans man and anything that they saw on that blog was old and not relevant anymore.

this friend had never given me any cause to believe they would mock me for being non-binary or gender fluid, but the culture of the time had locked me in such a tight, self-conscious fear of being mocked, i felt like i needed to pick a binary immediately, or face the ridicule.

now, i don't want to mislead: i very predominantly identified with trans masc, far moreso than non-binary or gender fluid. i was probably always going to end up identifying as a trans man, whether it happened quickly or slowly. But there were definitely parts of me that still wanted to express femininity... and i repressed all of it out of fear of being perceived as invalid as a man.

those repressed parts of myself ended up tearing out at the seams multiple times throughout my life, in various different ways—all of which caused me great distress, born of that fear of being invalidated in what i thought i worked so hard for. sometimes i would dress up entirely feminine, put hair extensions in on my justin bieber haircut, and tell myself 'i'm just doing what drag queens do. i'm still a man.' which would be fine and completely valid, but, in retrospect, i knew it wasn't entirely true. it wouldn't have caused me such emotional distress if it was, and i wouldn't have hid those moments of "dress up" away like a dark, dirty secret, either.

i was very much comfortable and happy outwardly living as a trans man, and lived as so for nearly 10 years, but the fact that any sort of desire for feminine expression within myself caused such a deep psychological upset that i infinitely tried to keep hidden was belying an unaddressed issue. one that i had tried to bury, and bury, and bury.

i feel the need to disclose that gender norms had always been a problem for me—i have been misgendered since i was a kid, even when i was still identifying as cis, whether for things within my control (hairstyle, clothes) or things out of my control (my voice. it's literally only ever been my voice. i don't sound like a cis girl or a cis boy. it's a very androgynous voice.) because of these instances, i have rejected things about myself, and learned to associate them as being negative.

with that said, i will now introduce the fact that i never truly committed to the idea of hrt within those 10 years. the things that i wanted while living as a trans man (masculine body and face shape), came with things i didn't want due to being ridiculed for it in the past (deep voice, body hair, acne). but to say that was the only reason i couldn't commit to it probably wouldn't be true. then again, it's also worthless to speculate on, because i cannot separate the parts of that decision that were influenced by childhood ridicule, and the parts that were due to not fully identifying as a man.

so, maybe this was always going to happen.

i don't consider myself a detransitioner, though i deeply relate with the plight of those that are (the non transphobic ones, at least. very rarely do detransitioners become transphobic, though.)

10 years of denying feminine expression and being ashamed of the part of myself that still desired it. even as a kid, preteen, and early teen, rejecting various forms of feminine expression (for entirely different reasons.) discovering femininity has felt like just that: a discovery. not a return, not a detransition—but an entirely new transition.

it didn't burst out from the seams like before—it happened slowly, as i learned to truly, truly believe that it was okay to be myself—whatever that self may be on any given day. it wasn't an explosion of repressed feelings like the instances of dressing up in secret and telling myself 'it's just like doing drag. i'm still a man.' instead, i let myself wear whatever i wanted to wear—skirts, make up, etc.—anywhere i wanted to go, and i didn't let it frighten me into believing it would invalidate my gender identity.

i did still identify as a man, and a skirt and eyeshadow weren't going to change that.

it was the first time in my life i had ever felt that way and really believed it.

so, where did my gender identity change in this rediscovery of femininity? when did i stop considering myself a trans man?

i think throughout this process of learning that gender identity and gender expression do not have to be strict binaries has led me to a personal understanding (this is applicable to my personal understanding only) that they are not really 'spectrums', either. it's not like a sequential light waveform, or a straight line going from left to right, where you can point to your identity somewhere in that midsection. i believe it to be more abstract than that.

but, there is also a practical and less theoretic aspect—i have been going through medical issues that are tied to female anatomy, and it has—weirdly, ironically, unhappily, and yet strangely respectably—brought me to deeper understanding and appreciation for the struggle that AFAB bodies must sometimes endure. obviously, this is not inherently tied to femininity, but, specifically for my experience, it was and has been.

instead of hating my biological body for its struggles, it has curiously brought me closer to that body.

throughout all this, my main takeaway has been: i will never be done learning about myself, my gender, and my self expression. this could quite literally all change again several months from now—i could start feeling more masculine again and decide to start testosterone by the end of the year, and if that happens, i won't be afraid.

it seems like all throughout my life, expressing my gender, or sexuality, has always been (consciously or unconsciously) tied to fear and shame.

i no longer want that for myself. i'm ready to learn and accept wherever my mind and heart may take me.

and i also resent anyone that says 'detransitioning means you were never trans'.

i'm a trans woman now, thank you. (also, i'm like half-joking, but, like, half-not when saying that. i really do feel like a trans woman sometimes. many times... a lot of times.)

[honeybeecomebuzzingme]

So I keep forgetting to reply to my friends again and I keep forgetting to send this important letter. I really need to send it and it's been nearly a month since I was supposed to send it. Every time I go to start organising the things for sending my dad does something and he's like "this is more important and this is more urgent" to the point that I feel like I can't sleep.

It's really stressing me that he can't understand. I thought we'd gone to an agreement the other day but then as soon as my best friend went home the misunderstanding with my dad happens again.

Things like yesterday is like so confusing.

So in the morning I'd asked my dad if he could help me with "the 30 minute Friday focus" which was deep cleaning the bathroom floor. Essentially, scrubbing the grout and limescale in the bathroom.

I tried to phrase it in a way that it would be a good thing because if we're getting the shower replaced then they won't have any excuse not to do it. "Get rid of the spiders" and things like that seemed simple tasks.

However, my dad misunderstood again.

Then around 2:00 p.m. I started being sick so I got really frustrated with my dad as I wasn't able to get to the bathroom quick enough. I was sick on the bathroom floor.

Trying to get into understand that being sick on the bathroom floor meant that the bathroom floor needed cleaned more urgently. As it wasn't cleaned quickly the smell or something made me sick again.

Then I texted my dad multiple times feeling extremely distressed as I wasn't sure what had made me sick initially but he didn't understand when I was talking to him so I tried explaining in a text message.

I also wondered if I might have food poisoning which had come up in previous days where I've talked about allergies and cross contamination in the kitchen and general hygiene and cleanliness around the house especially in places where food is prepared. Especially deadly allergies.

Which leads me onto talking about my bestie who is amazing and wonderful and all of my best friends are lovely amazing people. My friends empower me and motivate me and they encouraged me to call the doctor when I burned my hand.

They comforted me, acknowledged my distress at being sick, and later burning my hand, as well as the shock and the anxiety about calling for medical advice.

I think being sick makes me more sick if it's not cleaned up right away which makes sense as a lot of people do feel sick when they see someone else be sick.

What is sad is that I couldn't get to the point of asking about the sickness to NHS 24 and I'm flummoxed that it didn't come up that maybe my hand is white because I am white? And also it felt silly to go to A&E at 10 maybe 11 o'clock at night on a Friday night when they are most busy.

I'm paranoid that people will say that it was ridiculous that I went to the hospital for my finger and would be accused of wasting their time by the staff there.

I'm probably overthinking that part a lot even though my friends encouraged me to contact someone for medical advice and said "if you need to go to A&E then you need to go to A&E. It's ok" which is such good validation! I love how my friends encourage me to look after myself, to self-care and use positive affirmations.

Even the NHS person I spoke to after I was triggered said that for the future I should remember if I'm told to go to the hospital, especially by a medical professional, then I need to go to the hospital.

I need to stop listening to my dad and start accepting the support and reassurance of others. My dad might think that it's okay for vomit to sit on the bathroom floor for 4 to 10 hours and not understand that the smell of rotten and mouldy food cannot be covered up by air fresheners (I swiftly realised I am allergic to when I immediately had stinging hives).

Like he doesn't smell it anyway and all I'm trying to say is sanitizing and disinfecting surfaces.

I bought a sink unblocker from Tesco and I think was where the smell was coming from but you can't put air freshener down the sink that's not what I meant at all....

As I've been sick in the sink in both the bathroom and the kitchen -- there's been multiple times where I've not been able to get there in time and the sink in both rooms is closer than the toilet or the sick buckets (my dad used to come running into my room whenever I was sick).

It confuses me so my dad would rather I'd be sick on the wall or the carpet or the floor of the bathroom instead of being able to go to the bathroom to be sick privately in some more appropriate way?

I feel like he made the assumption that my friend would help me with being sick while he was away but I texted him so much about all these things and it just goes round in my head when I'm trying to sleep right now.

If my dad could just stop not make the wrong thing urgent that would help a lot.

It takes me back to a story that I tell from when I was younger on the day of 9/11 I remember I watched the events on television with a sprained wrist as I had to wait four hours for my Dad to come home to take me to the hospital. I'm glad that back then even I had good friends.

However I wish that my dad could have just come home that much earlier and taken me to hospital as it's things like that I remember as trauma to be honest.

Whenever I need to go to the hospital I always worry "oh no I need to wait four hours" because that's the appropriate amount of time according to my dad and older people like that who judged me for needing to go to the hospital....

I think my dad's family are quite toxic if that's the case because I do feel like this side of it comes from my dad's family more than it has ever done my mum's family or any of my true true friends.

All of my friends and partners have always been exceptionally helpful and supportive when it comes to me trying to get help for my physical and mental health.

It's surprising how little the older generation seems to be able to understand when it comes to how we can advocate for ourselves and our parents, men specifically, and when I say this I mean advocating for a whole lot of things not just "women issues" for example being able to say that I've been sick and I need help. I shouldn't feel bad that I needed to ask for help and maybe that counts as an emergency and it's okay to ask for help.

My dad is wrong to think that all of these other things like laundry and putting things in the way of what he wants me to do or what I need to do is more important than my mental or physical health.

I wish my dad would stop doing what he's doing and just let me live my life...

I love all my friends. Thank you for reading

[sadgirl-liaison]

I now realise that my partner is actually emotionally abusive. I recently told him that I was hurt (and I asked several friends if it was understandable that I was hurt before speaking to him and they said yeah, anyone would be hurt by this) and I didn't say to him "you hurt me" or even "I'm hurt by your actions" my literal words were "I feel really hurt"

And he told me that I shouldn't be hurt because of x reason, that my feelings are wrong, that I'm thinking, feeling and making assumptions about xyz; but I wasn't thinking, feeling or assuming those things. Then when I said that, he told me that I'm not taking accountability for my own feelings (the feelings he told me I was having) and that I was trying to make him responsible for my feelings instead of dealing with them myself. That I need to go to therapy (I'm literally in therapy) to deal with this stuff. He told me I was choosing to feel the way he said I felt because I didn't change my feelings based on him telling me I shouldn't feel hurt.

I said I wanted to stop the conversation there for the time being, because an argument wasn't constructive. He kept sending me long messages berating me and criticising me and telling me how dare I make him feel guilty when he'd done nothing wrong, that he'd been validating and reassuring about me being hurt (he hadn't). A few days later he sent me an essay saying me ending the conversation when he told me to take accountability for my feelings was a red flag. We'd previously both agreed to end a conversation when it reached the point of being an arguement, and come back to it when it could be a conversation.

In his long email, he continued to assert that I'm thinking, feeling and assuming things that I'm not. He also criticised me for those supposed thoughts and feelings. He said I'm the reason we can't have a healthy relationship.

And in this whole situation, I *still* hadn't said anything to him besides "I feel really hurt"

I'm exhausted, drained and terribly distressed. The level of gaslighting, projection and cruelty that I've been receiving from him this past week is making my head spin. I'm looking back on nearly eight years and realising I've accepted all the blame, thinking I'm the problem because of my trauma, that I want too much and feel too much, that I must be communicating things wrong, and that's why I'm never met with care and concern.

I'm scared of what's going to happen when we break up. And we have to break up now I've recognised this behaviour. I think he's going to be really cruel to me. I think he might try and turn all my friends against me. I think I'm going to lose not just him, but a large chunk of my life. I think I'm about to be really lonely and sad

[uncanny-tranny]

Trans people, please don't rely on other people to tell you if your experiences or identity is valid.

It is a very human thing to seek understanding and validation (humans are social creatures and whatnot), but seeking people to tell you that who you are is valid places a ton of power in others. What happens when somebody tells you that they don't think you're valid?

And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if your identity is "valid" or not to other people. What matters is if your identity suits you. You aren't a robot who lives at the behest of others, who can change the core of your being at the drop of a hat. You will continue to exist as you are with or without validation and with or without permission.

[mandoalorian]

Brown Eyes [Din Djarin x Reader]

!! SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 15, SEASON 2. !!

*Hi. The episode has been out for three hours. The devil works hard but I work harder. I hope you enjoy! xx*

Summary: Din has always wanted to confess his love to you— but with his devotion to the Creed and with the risk of losing you, he wonders if the revelation would really be worth it. Would you even consider being with him if he refused to remove his helmet? When Grogu is taken away from Din and in the fiendish hands of Moff Gideon, Din realises there isn't anything he won't do to get his son back.

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: descriptions of anxiety, *SPOILERS FOR Season 2 Episode 15: The Believer of The Mandalorian*

Word count: 2.6k

Permanent taglist - let me know if you want to be added: @supernaturalgirl @phoenixhalliwell @ah-callie @luvzoria @stardust-galaxies @wickedfrsgrl @goth-topic @nerdypinupcrystal @wonderfulfluffer @kiwi-the-first @pedroepascal @castiel-barnes @honeymandos

Masterlist

gif credit: @siennablake

"Din," you froze up, backing away from the Imperial who was sitting at a table drinking caf. "I- I can't do it."

Din's head snapped to face you, masked by the Imperial Shocktrooper helmet he was doting. "Why not?" His voice was firm, but the tone of his question dripped with concern. You bawled your fingers into a fist as you squeezed your eyes tight shut, beginning to anxiously pace around in circles.

"That's Valen Hess," you muttered, trying your hardest to regulate your nervous breathing. "He- I used to serve under him. I- can't… go in there. Din, he'll recognise me." the thoughts in your head were jumbled. Din placed two hands steady on your shoulders.

"I'll go, hand me the dataspike." Din told you calmly. You felt like putty under his touch. Usually, his firm grip would calm you down and ease any of your troubles away— but not this time. You felt completely nauseated.

Grogu was at stake. When you met the Mandalorian, it took him some time to find the confidence in introducing you to the child. You were Ex-Imperial after all. But he warmed up to you, seeing the way you cared so deeply for the children on Sorgan. When he introduced you to the little green bean, who did not yet have a name, you were enamoured. That's when Din knew he was in love with you. Ever since that day, he'd only fallen in love with you more and more. His feelings became stronger with every waking second he spent with you.

Of course, he never acted on his feelings. He wished he had, he wished he could say something. He knew that if something happened to you and you didn't know how he truly felt, he'd regret it for the rest of his life. There had been countless times where you and him brushed paths on the Razor Crest. Plenty of times to say something, plenty of times to mutter the three words that had consumed his mind, body and soul. ‘I love you’. The words were like a broken record in the back of his mind. He looked at you through his visor, seeing your distress and his heart aching and he wanted— no, he had to do something.

His son had been kidnapped and suddenly, Din was an unstoppable force. Nothing could hold him back— not his friends, not the Creed, nothing. The regret ate him up like flies on a corpse. If there was one thing he learned from Grogu's disappearance, is that you never know what is coming around the corner. Din began to treat everyday with you like it was your last because there was no way of telling what the future was holding. And that only stirred him on, the desire of telling you how much you meant to him.

"You can't go," you removed your finger from your lips where you had been anxiously biting your nails. "The security system is biometric facial recognition. There must be another way." you tried to rack your brain for a solution, but Din's mind was already made up.

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes in search for an answer. You steadied your breathing. "Din," you whispered. "What if we distract them? You go in there and speak to him so he's looking the other way and I'll use that moment to sneak past and access the terminal."

No answer. "Din?" you asked, cautiously opening your eyes. He was already gone. Your mouth began to open and close like a goldfish as you watched his approach the terminal. He paused, midway between two tables, shakily saluting Valen Hess. Din turned back to the terminal, held his head up high and carried on over to it.

Upon examining it, Din found it was no different to any other information point— whether it had been New Republic or Independent, Din was lucky enough to already know how to navigate the system. He clicked a few buttons on the keypad, bringing up the facial recognition scanner. He stood still, letting it roam down his face. He didn't have much faith, but it was worth a shot.

Din cursed under his breath as the scanner light lit up red, beeping ecstatically.

"Error. Error. Facial scanning incomplete. Ten seconds until system shutdown." An automated voice informed. Din felt a few gazes burn into his back, no doubt Valen Hess noticing the commotion. "Ten, nine, eight-"

You watched as the timer went down, your hand fingers curling around the blaster in your holster. You didn't know what Din was going to, but you knew if anything— he was a man with a plan.

And that was when he removed his helmet.

It hit you like a ton of bricks, it took the air from your lungs leaving you gasping in silence. You felt like a criminal, looking at him with your own eyes. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't tear the gaze from the back of his head.

Brown hair. Dark brown hair, slightly messy from the helmet. Although you were some distance away, you noticed the little waves and the way it curled at the nape of his neck. The cut of the Imperial armour revealed just a sliver of his skin. It was golden tan— surprising to you.

"Facial scanning complete." The dataspike ejected from the terminal, a small light lit up in green, validating that the information had been processed and Din was now the owner of Moff Gideon’s co-ordinates. Just as he was about to put his helmet back on, a voice interrupted him.

Your heart sank when you saw that Valen Hess had approached Din.

"Trooper, where are you stationed?"

"Transportation."

"What?"

"My designation is transport— co-pilot."

"No son, what's your TK number?"

Din felt his throat dry up as he looked the man in the eyes. Valen Hess stared at Din right back, looking into the eyes that nobody had gazed into since Din had been sworn to the Creed. Din swallowed the lump in his throat, only for it to return immediately.

"He's with me." you announced, walking over to Din and Hess. A wash of relief shuttled through Din's body upon hearing your voice, but that was completely blown away when he realised you had seen him. It was true, you had seen his face— but there was no time to act up. Din had sacrificed everything for Grogu and you weren't going to let this go wrong. "This is my trooper, sir."

"Who is he and what's his TK number?" Valen Hess repeated, clicking his tongue between his teeth.

"This is my commanding officer TK-0402, and I'm TK-0322. I'm afraid he doesn't speak much. Ever since his vessel lost pressure on Tanaab." You explained with confidence, sighing apologetically and placing a hand on your hip.

Din found the courage to look at you, making brief yet bewildered glances between you and Valen Hess. He had a thousand questions but he knew he could trust you, and so, he smiled wearily, nodding his head in agreement to your little story.

"What's his name?" Hess inquired.

You took a deep breath, and turned to face Din. He looked at you too, his face softening as your eyes met for the very first time. You felt your heart rate slow down as you took in his appearance. You were nervous, and tensions were high, but as you looked into the Mandalorian's sparkling eyes, you felt a familiar sense of belonging. You felt complete.

"Brown eyes." you whispered, feeling the tears pool up as you tried to choke back a sob. Din smiled at you, just a small smile, but enough to make the corners of his eyes crinkle. It gave you the reassurance to know that this was all worth it.

"Well, brown eyes," Valen Hess adjusted his belt. "You troopers were both on the transport that brought in the valium, correct? The only surviving shocktroopers, might I add." he grinned, raising an eyebrow.

"Y-yeah, that was us." You answered hesitantly.

"Please, come join me for drinks. We must celebrate." Hess said, approaching the table he was originally sat at and ushering you over with an exaggerated gesture.

You and Din exchanged a look before walking over to the table and sinking down into the chair. Hess poured out two cups of caf and slid them over. Din stayed silent for most of the conversation, briefly making utterances of affirmation and nodding his head to suggest that he was indeed listening.

Although, he wasn't listening really. His mind was racing and he couldn't concentrate on anything. Although it wasn't necessarily true, he felt like every head in the room was looking at him. Staring at him. Judging him breaking his oath. Was he a failure? Was he a disgrace to the Creed? Dishonourable? A monster?

"I could blather on 'to health' or 'to success', but… tell me TK-0322, where do you come from?"

"Alderaan." you said without hesitation. Din looked at you with furrowed eyebrows, wondering why exactly you had given Hess the details of your real planet.

"Ah, I see…" Hess frowned. "Well, to Alderaan!" he grinned, raising his glass in the air.

"No." you deadpanned and Hess shot you a confused look.

"No?"

"No." you repeated. "Alderaan was a peaceful planet destroyed by the Empire."

"And those on the Death Star, those who aided in the destruction of Alderaan became heroes of the Empire. I was there." he said with pride.

Din watched your face harden as your cheeks burned up with rage. "Heroes?" you croaked out. "For attacking and murdering innocents? Hundreds of thousands of people died on Alderaan. I lost my family."

"Losing the ones we love is simply part of life," Hess revealed with a sigh— and Din felt his heart shatter at his words. He stiffened up, his gaze fixating on the concrete wall as his surroundings began to faze out.

"At what cost?" you whispered. "You know, every day I think about it. I wished there was something I could do to stop it. But no, I was here, fighting for the Empire. While the Empire was out killing my people." You gritted out as tears pricked your eyes. You felt Dins hand manouver under the table and take place on your thigh, as his gloved fingers rubbed comforting circles into the thin material that covered your skin. His hand was large, fitting around your leg perfectly. He held you down, stopping your anxious shaking and you immediately calmed down. Din wasn't going to stop you, but he did want you to not let your feelings intrude on what was really happening right now. Valen Hess, however, looked mortified. You picked up the glass and forced a smile. Din copied your movement and you clinked your glass with his. "To family." you toast, and Din smiles. He smiles so wide a dimple appears in his cheek.

"To family." he confirms, thinking about his son and how close he was to getting him back.

You put the glass of caf back down on the table and quickdrew your blaster, shooting Valen Hess in the chest.

Din knew better than to question you. He took out his own pistol and helped you take down the remaining troopers and Imps in the room before you both raced out of the base.

Of course, you knew that there'd be commotion. You heard the TIE fighter engines as soon as you stepped foot outside. Din grabbed your hand, pulling you along as you both sprinted into the depths of the forest. Once deep enough, you looked up. It was dark, strings of light beaming through the gaps in the trees. But it was enough to illuminate Din. You had envisioned what Din looked like beneath his beskar helmet every single day, and now, you had your answer.

Din took one look at you. He pulled off his leather gloves, dropping them to the ground and placed his hand on your cheek. Subconsciously, you leaned into the warmth of his palm as his fingers tucked the strands of hair behind your ear. You closed your eyes, humming in delight as his bodily warmth transferred to you.

"Din, when we return to the ship you can put your helmet back on. I never saw you." you promised, your voice barely above a whisper and your eyes remaining closed.

"Cyare," Din mumbled, his heart yearning. The pad of his thumb traced your face, following the height of your cheek bones and the arch of your eyebrows and down your nose. "Open your eyes." he requested. Cautiously, you obeyed, your eyes fluttering open as you drunk in his appearance once more.

Brown stubble with a patch of grey graced the lower portion of his face. You reached out, this time your own hand cupping his cheek. Din didn't let go of you, and he let you touch him. Your finger nervously brushed over the coarse hairs and you let out a small giggle as you remembered him telling you from the Fresher room on the Razor Crest that he was going to shave. He had, and now you could see for yourself that it had started growing back.

"Do… do you like what you see?" Din asked nervously, his gaze only temporarily lifting from yours.

You nodded your head. "I do," you admitted. "You're… so handsome."

Din felt his cheeks heat up as you watched the small blush creep upon his face. You were enthralled, seeing him like this. Seeing his humanity— his emotions and expressions. You knew you loved Din, with or without the helmet— but this confirmed everything.

"May I?" Din asked, leaning into you slowly and closing his eyes. The curve of his nose bumped against yours as and the softness of his lips touched you so delicately.

You mumbled a small 'yes' and as your lips parted, Din kissed you. Soft, sweet, but passionate and with heart. You tangled your hands in his hair, tugging at it and encouraging Din to kiss you deeper and further. He done so, willingly, a groan of pleasure escaping his mouth and vibrating through your body.

He pulled away eventually, breathless and his eyes dark and glazed. "I-I…" he was speechless, looking at you with the utmost adoration. "I love you." He sighed in defeat, knowing now was a better time than any to admit his true feelings. He had to do it one day, and it just so happened to be in the depths of a forest as you hid from Imperials.

"I love you too." you exhaled shakily, thrusting forward into his arms and letting him hold you tight to his chest. He pressed a kiss into your hair.

"I love you so much." Din sobbed, his grip around you tightening like he was afraid that if he let go, you'd vanish just like Grogu did. "Please, never leave me. Please."

"I'm not going anywhere Din," you promised. "Now c’mon, let's go get Grogu."

PART TWO

[redphlox]

Tenko's tears; Touya's wounded inner child

As I've mentioned before, crying serves various purposes, two of which include emotional regulation and forming social connections. Tears signal "I'm sad and I need help" and usually elicit concern from others. But, for Touya and Tenko, tears didn't fulfill these needs. When Tenko cried, the adults around him tried to distract him from his pain or change how he responded to his abuse instead of defending him or confronting his father Kotaro. They meant well, but in the end it didn't help Tenko and he felt alone. No one validated his pain; he was seen, but he wasn't helped. The same thing happened to Touya, who was seen crying, and crying, and crying, but his parents refused to acknowledge the root cause of his pain because it would mean facing their own mistakes. His tears, his cries for help, never got him the help he needed and never made him feel better.

Even as adults, Dabi and Shigaraki weren't listened to because they didn't display socially acceptable feelings such as sorrow or regret, and they weren't dealing with their trauma in a socially acceptable way, like crying. Shigaraki told Endeavor, in front of Deku and Bakugo, that heroes only hurt their families, but it wasn't until Deku saw a glimpse of Tenko that Deku decided Shigaraki was worth saving because little Tenko’s tears humanized him and made him relatable.

While this is a turning point in the manga, the way it came about insinuates that certain unspoken conditions exist that need to be filled before victimhood can be validated or someone is deemed worthy of help. Not everyone is equal, and not everyone's pain will be good enough in hero society. This warrants the questions the League of Villains keep asking: who are heroes here to save? Who is it that needs saving? Where do you draw the line? Are villains not people too?

This new plot point of Deku being moved by Tenko’s tears also brings into light how isolating and demonizing it is for Dabi not being physically able to cry. He compensates for this – because remember, crying regulates your emotions, and if you can’t cry you turn to other coping mechanisms for self-soothing – by telling himself and others that he doesn’t care about anything or anyone. He copes with his emotions by smiling and grinning, by not getting too attached. He takes an offensive approach through keeping a distance from people by insulting them and being rude. However, his quirk’s link to his emotions betrays him and exposes his true feelings: his flames became hotter after Twice died and his flames turned white while confronting Endeavor. Dabi, despite everything, still cares and feels deeply.

So, how is Dabi supposed to be seen and understood and saved if he can’t prove that he has feelings if he can't cry? Why would he even want to cry, since crying never helped him? All Touya did from the age of four was cry for help, literally, and yet he was ignored and neglected. It wasn't Shigaraki's words that moved Deku, it was the unintended display of emotion through crying, which is something Dabi can't do even if he wanted because his tear ducts are burnt as a result of being so heartbroken over his father not showing up to Sekoto Peak. The irony is ugly and upsetting to witness – overwhelming feelings of abandonment and worthlessness almost killed Dabi ten years ago and now, when the story implies he desperately needs to cry to be seen, he can't, and therefore he's still alone and will continue to be alone.

But wait – he cries tears of blood, doesn’t he?

I think that if he’s caught in a vulnerable place, if the right people (Natsuo) meet him or if he is finally validated and seen and understood (Shouto), those tears of blood would come out and he’d finally be eligible (as gross as that sounds) for salvation, for understanding, for sympathy like Shigaraki. Feelings serve as evidence to society that villains are human too, and Dabi must first be considered a human. It seems that salvation, like the attention Touya received from his father, is conditional. Touya's wounded inner child and status as an abuse survivor will be the ticket to his redemption IF he can be vulnerable and express his pain physically to the younger generation of heroes, because talking about his past hasn't helped and won't help. Even now, as noted in 304, people still weren't sure why he became a villain even though he literally explained why in his pre-recorded broadcast. Dabi, or his inner child, has to show evidence he is still emotionally suffering because his words won't suffice for society or heroes. Honestly, this framing is personally distressing and frustrating because it pushes a bad victim vs good victim mentality, especially in light of Rei commenting that Shouto, who she burnt and forgave her nonetheless, is their family's hero.

Don't get me wrong. Shouto has done nothing wrong to warrant this suffering, and I think it's great that Deku is determined to save everyone within his reach. This makes sense as his role as protagonist. With that said, it's unsettling to me how drastically different he's reacting to Shigaraki compared to how he responded to Dabi by comparing him to Endeavor and implying Dabi is worse for not trying to be better. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I know Deku intervened because he was worried about Shouto, and that Deku is 16 and young. My point is that the narrative and the writing is setting up a problematic view of victims by having the main character nitpick who deserves to be saved based on this societal construct that people must first qualify or prove themselves. Shigaraki shouldn't have had to show his trauma receipts or be relatable for Deku to want to save him. Shigaraki didn’t even expose his inner child on purpose – Deku caught a glimpse of that without Shigaraki’s intention.

Let me say this another way. Imagine if you had to present yourself as sympathetic to a firefighter, an ambulance worker, or a doctor before receiving their help. It would be unprofessional and highly unethical for these professionals to turn you down because you don't fit the image of someone who needs help, someone who's not "sick" enough, whose house isn't burning hot enough, whose injuries aren't "bad" enough. So why do heroes, as a group of public servants, have these unwritten rules and preconceived notions about what a victim looks like? I understand that people are more likely to provide services if you're nice to them (you catch more flies with honey, etc) and that everyone has biases etc, but this isn't a core value of the helping professions or public servants. It's unethical to discriminate and assign varying levels of care based on how someone treats you or others around them. People in need are people in need, and that's that.

As of now, it seems like the manga is on route to support the League's complaints by supplying evidence that their disillusionment with society isn't unfounded - even Twice, who died crying at the hands of a hero part of the older generation, was not considered a person before he was considered a villain. But maybe if he had come across a hero from the younger generation, someone who recognized his tears as human despite his criminal record, he wouldn't have met the fate he did. It seems that the older generation of heroes don't take tears or emotions into account, which is why Tenko and Touya were shrugged off. But the younger generation will go out of their way to help anyone who needs help, but only if they prove themselves or make themselves sympathetic.

[wings-of-a-storm]

When Victor says to Rahim that Benji "wasn't too thrilled that I told you about AA", I get so frustrated with him, because of course Benji wasn't happy about it. Victor told a virtual stranger, at least to Benji, about a part of Benji's life he's made clear he hates, is embarrassed by, & doesn't like talking about, & what's worse is Victor acknowledges more than once that he shouldn't have done it, but he still did it. If it wasn't for that, I don't think Benji would've suggested a break.

I've been thinking about this particular situation a lot, to be honest. I was nervous to put my feelings down on paper until now though because I wanted to try and be as fair as I could to human error. But…it’s kind of inescapable that Victor was in the wrong, so being ‘fair’ will have its limitations…

Okay, here are my serious feelings about all of this, so like, brace yourself.

LOOKING AT VICTOR’S POV -- THE GOOD AND THE BAD

The thing that sucks about this whole situation is that Victor telling Rahim about Benji’s drinking problem/mental health came from a good place. He was really worried about Benji -- the type of worry that takes over your every thought and you can’t shake it off no matter what you do. Victor has a huge heart. He was struggling with that worry and in a weak moment, in a room that gave the illusion of privacy, like a dark and secluded tunnel deep underground, he needed to express those feelings.

Another factor was that Victor's emotions were out of control because they had just been compounded by the shock of hearing Mia was leaving. That’s now two big shocks to process in a limited time. And as far as the Mia news goes, Victor would have wanted his boyfriend there to process it with him and comfort him. Like Victor has said in the past, he and Benji tell each other everything. And like Benji has recently said, Victor needs to talk things through a lot with Benji to unpack and process. Victor needed his boyfriend on his own emotional level but he didn’t know where he was and if he was doing okay and it was a lot to feel.

So on a human level, I do understand why Victor let slip a very personal secret at a time of overwhelming distress. I really want to make that clear.

HOWEVER, I also am very disappointed that Victor did that because there are ways to unload emotion without setting loose confidential information. Benji missing from school and un-contactable after a big fight is an incredibly valid cause for concern in its own right. For further context, Victor could have added some vagueness like ‘I’m really worried because Benji’s struggled a lot with stress in the past and I don’t know if he’s doing okay’. Something like that allows the catharsis of expressing the depth of your worry without compromising your partner’s privacy.

I’d like to think your partner deserves more consideration than just blurting out his dirty laundry, especially when it is something that clearly stresses the hell out of him if he couldn’t even disclose it with his own boyfriend and that he has specifically verbalised is something he is very embarrassed about. It was a clear line drawn that Victor stepped over.

And to me, it kind of reflects that Victor doesn’t respect Benji’s feelings as much as he thinks he does because if Victor had really taken Benji’s feelings into consideration, it wouldn’t have happened. There would be enough of a voice in his head saying ‘be careful what you say, you don’t want to betray your boyfriend’s deep embarrassment to anyone’ because you’d understand where your boyfriend was coming from and want to protect him from further pain.

WHAT FRUSTRATES ME MORE THAN ANYTHING:

So at first I was glad Victor acknowledged to Rahim that he shouldn’t have told him about Benji’s alcoholism. It felt a bit like vindication for Benji, like Victor did now understand the hard way not to dismiss Benji’s feelings and need for privacy.

Well, that was until the next sentence that came out of his mouth! “But it’s not just that [behind out break], we’ve been fighting about everything lately.” That reallllllly went beyond frustrating for me because it pretty much contradicted what Victor just said. I was like: Okay, so you don’t actually understand the gravity of the error you made! Because like you, anon, it was pretty obvious to me that the breach in trust was exactly why Benji had enforced a break.

Yes, they had been fighting a lot, and yes Benji expressed he was concerned by that, but he was also holding close the good memories like the soft-serve day and was feeling things while looking at the sweet candid photo that had been taken of them at school. It was only the reveal of the breach of trust that had Benji up on his feet and truly distressed.

And the thing is Victor had already absolved Rahim of any guilt for being the proxy recipient of Benji’s secret, so what Victor said about the breach of trust not being the main reason for the break was something he really did feel. In Victor’s head, their past fights must have deserved equal condemnation (the cultural differences tension, undermining the coming out to Adrian, etc), which lessens Victor’s role/responsibility for Benji needing a break. And yes, those fights were factors in the current state of their relationship but the deal-breaker was the breach in trust, not Benji’s patience eroded over time after the cruel treatment and constant invalidation from Victor’s mother.

Were the writers trying to balance things out with the undermining of Adrian’s Finding Out versus Victor’s alcoholism slip? Since neither were deliberate/malicious slip-ups and both occurred after losing control of emotions? Because the thing for me is that those two situations are not proportionate in impact -- Adrian finding out that Victor and Benji were dating affects Victor indirectly (Victor wanted Adrian to know anyway, which Benji knew; the slip just affects his mother’s plan and rate of processing things), while the alcoholism slip to Rahim affects Benji directly:

A) It’s a real threat to Benji if his alcoholism becomes public knowledge in the rumour-saturated environment (ie. Creek Secrets) of their high school. Your image/identity is so fragile at school and crucial to your self-esteem and mental health. Benji has worked incredibly hard to make sure even his accident was kept secret. His personal mental health would take a massive hit if any of those secrets got out. It would be ruinous. It could even be life-threatening.

B) It was a significant breach of trust from his significant other. His struggle with alcohol was something so personal and held so tightly to his chest that he couldn’t even handle his boyfriend knowing about it. And it only took like a day for his boyfriend to pass that information on to a peer at school. How can you be in a relationship with someone who couldn’t even respect your feelings enough to hold onto your secret for more than a day? How could you tell them anything after that?

So yeh, if the writers were wanting things to look balanced so the ‘break’ appeared more mutual and complicated to lessen Victor’s culpability with the upcoming wedding kiss, I didn’t really vibe to it…

Well, it looks like my frustration matches yours, anon! We feel what we feel, I guess. :)

[boreal-sea]

Wow! I am still angry about what happened to me!

TL:DR - I was in a community that prided itself on comforting and protecting people who "call out" others and validating their feelings. I was feeling anxious about something I could logically see I was reading wrong but which my anxiety was causing me distress over, and I just wanted confirmation I was reading it wrong - it wasn't even a call out. Instead of comfort, I was called "accusatory", my feelings were completely invalidated, and I decided to leave the community for my own mental health.

Like.

Admitting you are feeling anxious puts you into an incredibly vulnerable position. I had to work with a therapist for over a year to become good at this. My therapist taught me it was okay for me to reach out and say "Hey! I think I'm probably feeling irrational about this but right now I'm super anxious about X, could you please reassure me I'm ok?" My therapist literally worked with me to develop "asking for confirmation" as a way to cope with my anxiety.

The vulnerability applies to any situation where you're expressing insecurities, fears, or when you're feeling hurt.

And the community I was in was allegedly a safe place for people to say "hey, this hurt my feelings".

But... there were red flags over the months I was in this community. A few other people left and/or expressed feeling ignored, judged, or "jumped on". I quietly couldn't help but agree. More than one conversation escalated to the point of conflict and hurt feelings.

So, the final incident: I'd made a comment I thought was a little relatable. It was not a hit; it was probably too niche, so no one replied or responded. That's ok! I know it's ok! Comments can flop! So, 20 minutes later, someone else made another comment that was along the lines of:

"So, about that truck..."

Which, to someone with anxiety, looks like someone rolling their eyes, turning away from you to ignore you, and changing the subject. Part of me knew I was reading too much into it. But my anxiety is a very loud voice in my head. So, I built up the courage to say: "Hey, I know this is probably irrational, and I can tell you didn't mean this way, but it's still making me feel snubbed, so I was just seeking confirmation that it's not a snub!"

And then. In a community built around a specific type of conflict resolution that is solely focused on the person doing the call out,

I got:

"You should take a step back and examine why you feel that way" from one person

followed by a second person who wrote a several paragraph-long "explanation" first saying I was being accusatory and I should be able to tell it's not a snub because it was made 20 minutes after my comment, then patronizingly explaining what anxiety is and THEN told me person 1 was "doing me a favor" by telling me to "step back".

This is LITERALLY equivalent to the phrase:

"I'm sorry you felt that way"

which I thought we, collectively, have decided is in fact bullshit and victim-blaming. So I got tone-policed, had my feelings invalidated, and got called "accusatory" -

and I wasn't even asking for an apology in the first place.

I literally just needed someone to say "Oh! Nope, not meant as a snub!"

That's it. Not accusing anyone of anything - in fact, openly ADMITTING I knew my feelings were irrational. Maybe, if these two people felt accused, THEY should take a step back and examine why they felt that way. Why did they feel so threatened by someone expressing anxiety, hm???

FURTHERMORE.

It had been made explicitly clear to me in this community that trying to "explain" things to the person who was making the call-out was "rude" and "talking over them" and "invalidating their feelings".

Well. I sure fucking felt talked over, patronized, and like they were invalidating my feelings.

THEY felt accused. THEY lashed out. THEY retaliated.

What they did was actually prove my fear right: I was being snubbed. Not by that comment in particular, but by the community as a whole.

So I left.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty good day. There was a big stressful part of the beginning but the majority of the day was very good. There was even a special surprise. And yoga.

I slept super poorly last night. I couldn't fall asleep for forever because I felt sick and nauseous and bad. And then when I did fall asleep I woke up a few times again. Air conditioner turned off in the middle of the night and James rollover next to me and I woke up just horribly uncomfortable. He wouldn't turn the air conditioning back on that because he always takes care of me. And I was able to sleep until about 7.

James was awake and told me I could keep sleeping but I didn't really want to. I wanted to lay there so I just played on my phone for a while. And then I got up. I got cleaned up and dressed and I felt okay.

I hung in my hammock for a little bit and then James told me he made a waffle. And I was like okay. And I was confused because he had asked me what I wanted for breakfast last night and I said I was going to have the avocado scramble thing I made the other day. And then he remembered that after he made the waffle and felt very bad. But it was fine. He made the thing I wanted and he had the waffle for breakfast instead.

I got the best boyfriend.

We hung out for a while and then left to go to the bus. James walked me there. And then bus proceeded not to show up for almost a half an hour. I was very frustrated. Because it was supposed to be there at 9: 30 but it didn't come until almost 9:50. And we had been there since 920. So I was very stressed out and I hate being late!! I texted Tiffany and let her know and I was just very distressed.

I was about 15 minutes late in the end. Sucks. I'm going to try to get an earlier bus tomorrow. So even if it runs late I will hopefully have the same issue. Because seriously we were three blocks away from access art and our bus driver saw someone on the street that he knew and he park the bus and got off to go have a conversation with him. I was losing my mind.

But I got there and everyone was fine. We're just lesson planning so it wasn't like I was missing anything yet but I hate being late. We all kind of bullshitted and talked for a little bit and then the teacher from holistic Life Center came.

He was a really nice guy. He told really funny stories and he was young and covered in tattoos and wearing a Orioles yoga shirt. He mostly talked about mindfulness. A little bit of yoga. And we learned a lot about breathing exercises. I felt very Vindicated and validated about the types of breathing exercises I already do with the kids when they're upset or hurt. But I learned some really interesting ones today. Specifically that I breathe wrong and I'm trying to retrain myself but it's very hard. It was very enjoyable even though I hated sitting in the folding chairs for that long. My feet don't reach the ground and it's uncomfortable.

But we also played a couple mindfulness games at the end of that was cool. Stuff that we can use in the classroom and it's awesome. I'm really glad that we were able to do that.

We had a late lunch. Marcus went down the street and got me a spring roll. Was very good. And I worked on my lesson plan. Almost out. I think I'll probably end up finishing it tomorrow. And then I'll go back in and make sure it's all good. I also think I want to use a couple other visual things for the classroom. And maybe add some tutorial images of some kind. We have tomorrow and Friday to finish lesson plans. And even with my brain breaks where I sketched tattoo ideas I still got a lot done.

While I was taking a break on my lesson plan I was looking at eBay and I got a crazy good deal on a Furby buddy. Something that I've been trying to get for 2 months now there's a little plush versions of the Furbies. I don't absolutely love them but people use them to make the long Furbies. And I'd like to try my hand at that. And I got one for $5. Usually they go for $35 to $40. I am very excited. I think I'm going to use it slightly as part of my example for my quilt making lesson. I'm going to make its belly pattern based off of Victorian crazy quilts. I'm very excited.

At 3 we finished up. We all decided on which weeks we should be teaching our lessons and when. Was decided that my quilt project would go first which makes me slightly nervous but it's probably a good idea. Because it's community building project we're going to kind of have all the kids get out there art things right away before they jump into other projects and I think that will work out nicely.

And then me and fitsum went home. His driving kind of makes me nauseous. Lot of fast speed up and then stopping. But we had a nice conversation about capitalism and its downfalls. And talked about apartments because he's moving as well. We saw a couple meet cars that we pointed out and talked about. It was a good time.

He dropped me off and I made some food. Did a couple packing things. Made a pile of the furniture and getting rid of. And just kind of hung out. Me and James were going to have dinner together but I kind of just wanted to be by myself a little bit. My dad's going to come visit this weekend and he's going to take the bed. So really these are the last couple days I'm ever going to live alone if all goes according to plan. And it feels very strange. I've lived alone for a long time. But I am excited. Nervous but excited.

I was just kind of chilling. Even though it was too humid in here to call it chilling. Playing Animal Crossing and watching videos. And then I decided to go check the mail.

I was excited because I had a package. But then I saw that there was a letter in there as well from the Minneapolis Apartment project. Which means it's from the class action settlement. Which means it's a check. When we won the settlement last year they said that we would get all of our rent back. But of course it was going to go into appeals. So we would probably just get a portion of our rent back. And honestly getting any amount of money from living in those apartments would be fine. But I was so nervous about opening this check. So he opened my package first. And it was socks! very exciting. I was looking forward to those socks. They're black and they have little hearts on them.

But I couldn't put off opening the check any longer. And I did and if I did my math right I thought about nine months worth of rent back. And the checks that this might not be the only check. That I might get more? Like after all the lawyers and fees are paid if there's anything left over there going to send another check. That's wild. And like all of my money stress. The $40 me and James got scammed out of the other day. James his bike breaking. Moving. All of it. This kind of feels like a buffer. We don't have to worry about it now. Least for a while. And I'm making more money and if he gets this job he's going to be at making more money. And even if he doesn't get this job he's going to keep looking until he does get something good. Don't have to be so stressed out and nickel-and-diming ourselves all the time. it's exciting. It feels Like the universe is telling me everything's going to be okay. That means using my white privilege to help make the lives of my neighbors and Minneapolis better is being rewarded. And that sometimes being a good person and trying to help other people does pay off in the end. And sometimes in cash.

I kind of didn't know what to say when I open the check. So I called James and let him know. And then I called my dad. We talked about taxes and he's going to check with the tax lady to make sure that I have put enough aside next year. I don't want to have an issue. But yeah it's exciting. And it was good to hear dad. He sounds a lot better. And he's looking forward to coming on Sunday and I'm looking forward to having him here. We're going to patch holes but hopefully we'll also do something else. Maybe we'll eat some good food and maybe we'll go see something interesting. Unsure of what yet but I'll figure that out.

I called Jess next to let her know. And she was very excited for me. And then I went back to packing. I brought more stuff from the basement. I broke down all of my Furby boxes. I don't know why I'm keeping them but it feels weird to throw them away. So flat in the Middle East to put them in storage. And I use the box that I have been storing them in to put kitchen stuff in. Paper towels and Ziploc bags. That one bottle of alcohol I always have. And then I took a shower. I painted my toenails and I'm just watching videos and enjoying my night.

Back to lesson planning tomorrow. And then I think falafels with James. No matter what it's going to be a good day. I can feel it. Hope you all have a good night tonight. Be kind to each other. Go out of your way for someone else. Don't expect anything in return. Good night

[ersatz-anomaly]

You said it been 10 years for you, it's 7+ for me. I made the same promise to myself at 13. Only just now, after a couple of years of putting in the hard work to get better, going to therapy, seeing psychiatrists, and actually listening to what they say and put in in practice, I actually feel like a human being. It wasn't easy, and it's still not easy. It's death that's the easy way. I've found that it's worth living for the small things. Every little thing that gives you joy is worth living for

Except I was only able to reach the precipice of that point of improvement with the help and presence of others. And finding something that can provide that level of human contact and intimate interpersonal interaction has proven impossible. I got lucky once and then my own pigheadedness and impulsive tendencies to win and maintain the love and approval of others led to me hurting and losing people I’d never felt closer too before. I’m trapped in a repeating cycle of pain and mistakes and isolation. The closest to a social life I have is walking in a empty field with a dog. I feel so painfully lonely. I feel an awful constant heartdrop feeling and I’m haunted by the past. Every little thing reminds me of better times. Of their smiles and their memes and the little jokes. Of the hours I spent up so I’d never miss a second of their amazingness. Of how I burnt myself with boiling water as punishment when I learnt the people I love lost their ability to trust me. I just fuckup and annoy and hurt. I creep out those around me and I should never have been born. All I do is forget and remember random events in random orders. I can’t take this constantness. Weed was keeping it quiet but my body is finally developing a proper tolerance so soon nothing will keep my brain overwhelmed. Every second is pain and the little moments are just reminders of what I’ll never experience again. Of what I yearn for being forever around me but forever unavailable to me. I’m tired of knowing that involuntarily I’ll manage to ruin every relationship with another person in ways I’ll never see coming. I’m tired of hurting. My head and heart hurt horribly. I failed at everything. I managed to hurt 4-5 friends in the exact same way. I’m a terrible excuse for a friend. And the universe has made it clear that all my attempts to find romance and love are in vain. Im done repeating a hopeless scenario. I fail everyone. I can’t even ask help with causing emotional distress. Im pathetic. A weak whiny wimp with no future that’s worth thinking about. Even my brain and depression fuel is unorthodox and ridiculous. I was stupid to ever try recovery. Even my meds are starting to be drowned out by the intense emotional hurricane brewing up there. And I’ve tried and failed so many times people think I’m faking. The minute I stopped having the spoons to liveblog every horrible experience of the day people stopped believing me. “If you didn’t succeed you clearly didn’t want to die”. I’m so sick of hearing that. Of being told my desire to die isn’t valid because I failed again like I always do. Life hurts. Endlessly hurts. And I’ve been worn down to my last. I just can’t bear this anymore. And everyone I vent to always downplays the problem. They always.... simplify it. Bastardise it. Make it sound so insignificant and. And. Like it’s nothing that matters. When it means so much to you that runs deep to the core. I’m a toxic entity that’s tired of hurting loved ones and drowning in the knowledge my own simplest dreams of love and intimate connection are beyond my station. That a thing like me will never find what the hole in my heart screams for. And I’ve tried everything the therapists have told me. Sadly none of it applies to the particular circumstances I’ve wound up in. And some of it was just downright unhelpful NT nonsense. Either way I’ve known for years how badly I’ve needed to do this. The hopeless feeling inside won’t stop growing. It hasn’t gotten easier with time. Just constantly heavier. I’m not strong enough to carry it forever and im really running out. It’s just. Just too much. And my ridiculous self will not be coming out in a state most would wish. Im sorry. I just can’t bear the weight of what has been and what will never be. People around me find and squander such connections with ease and frequency. Connections I’d give my organs and blood for. It’s a form of torture knowing people take for granted what you pray for from the depths of your heart.