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fanficimagery · 4 years

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The Imprint Saga pt. 1

Summary: Imagine finding out the supernatural exists. You manage to keep a level head and even give the whole Imprint business a go, but your poor wolf had no idea just how stubborn you could be when you felt he or anyone else was in the wrong.

Words: 8.2K Warnings: This is absolutely ridiculous. I wrote it, loved it, edited it, and now I hate it. But I wrote three goddamn parts (currently writing pt. 3) and I refuse to delete any of it. With that said, the Reader gets a bit confrontational with those she doesn’t like and punches someone.

Moving to Forks for the start of your Junior year was not ideal, but your mom was in need of a better paying job and it just so happened that Forks General Hospital had a few open positions that needed filling. So after she gave you a week to pack up your room, the house, and have your high school transcripts transferred, your mom hired a moving truck to follow you over two hundred miles to your new home.

Everyone was curious about you and your mom, and it seemed like everyone knew everyone else's business so it was only a matter of time before the waitress at the local diner told everyone what she learned when she had made small talk with your mom. The town was also pretty dreary, but the beach in the next town over made up for it.

The first day of school has you waking up earlier than usual so you can drop your mom off at work before taking the car for yourself. Then after checking in at the main office to get your schedule and a slip of paper that needs to be signed by every teacher before being turned in at the end of the day, the day starts off exactly as you expected.

Every stare is immediately on you as you park your car, the murmurs starting as soon as you exit. Glancing around, unimpressed, you put your arms through the straps of your backpack and secure it snugly to you. Then pulling up the hood of your jacket, you head straight for the double doors.

Only halfway there, a student jumps out in front of you and snaps a picture of you. "You're Y/N Y/L/N," he grins, fiddling with his camera. "I'm Eric Yorkie, the eyes and ears of this place."

"Cool," you deadpan.

"Anything you need?" He then asks, clearly excited to be talking to you. "Tour guide, lunch date, a shoulder to cry on?" You can only blink in response and he readily continues on. "I'm on the paper and you're news, baby. Front page."

The clearly excitable and gossip go-to are people you tend to steer clear of, but something about this boy has you cracking a grin. He takes notice, practically shaking with excitement. "So long as you never call me baby again, I'll let you run whatever story you come up with."

"Yes!"

"And you have to dial down the eagerness from about a thirteen to a three. Take a breath, dude. I'm not that interesting."

"Nice." He tries so hard to seem cool and collected, but it's clearly not working. "Can I use that as a headline."

"Whatever." Eric keeps staring, almost like an eager puppy, and you sigh. "I'm gonna go. I want to acquaint myself with my locker and make sure I know how to follow this map. See you at lunch with those questions you no doubt are going to ask for that paper of yours." He seems like he's going to ask you something else, but you make a quick escape and leave him behind.

Finding your locker is fairly easy so long as you follow the numbers, but it's the classes that are a bit tricky. You're used to having all the classes in one building, either upstairs or downstairs, but the classes here are located in various buildings that make up the entire school.

You're not sure exactly sure which exit to take to find building E since apparently one side of the map ended up being cut off, so you walk up to the first couple you see standing by their lockers. The guy is pretty burly and the girl is ridiculously pretty for being a high school teenager. "Hey," the two teens tense, but you pay it no mind, "sorry to bother you, but can you tell me which way to go for building E? My map was cut off," you explain while showing them said map.

The burly boy blinks owlishly at you and the girl glares, but the only thing that pops into your head is that they have the most exotic eyes you've ever seen. "Oh. Uh sure." The boy takes the map from you, turning around to place it against a locker and finishes the map for you. As he hands it back, he says, "Just keep walking straight and take a left. Building E is that way."

You offer him a tired smile in return. "Thank you." Then glancing at the girl, your gaze falls to her feet. "Huh. Nice boots." Her glare softens, but you don't see it before you take your leave.

Classes then proceed to go exactly as expected, you getting your slip of paper signed before each class and then giving your name, the place you moved from, and a random fact for each teacher that asks you to introduce yourself to the class.

Lunch rolls around and you find an empty table, happily setting your tray down and tearing your hamburger to bite size pieces before eating them. That's where Eric finds you, Angela Weber in tow. The girl is someone you're most likely to befriend with her soft spoken nature and laid back personality. They ask questions about where you've moved from, your family, and your hobbies. You easily answer them, tossing in a crass joke or two that has Angela snorting milk from her nose and Eric taking a picture of the aftermath as you smirk at the poor girl.

Lauren, Tyler, Mike, and Jessica make their appearance at your table then, and you immediately dislike them. They're loud, rude, and obnoxious. The girls clearly have jealousy issues of some sort and the boys are only interested in what your dating life is like. But through them you learn about the Cullen clan.

"Oh my god," Jessica suddenly muses. "Don't look now, but Alice Cullen is staring at you!"

You frown when you realize she's addressing you. "Who?"

"Alice Cullen? Don't you know who they are by now?!"

"Uh no?"

Lauren smirks, leaning forward in her seat as if she's preparing to tell you the juiciest piece of gossip. "The Cullen and Hale twins are pretty much royalty around here, even if they don't give anyone the time of day." She gestures to the table in question and it's then you realize two of the so-called royalty are the couple you approached earlier that morning. "They've all been adopted by Dr. Cullen and his wife since she can't have any kids."

"Wow. Okay one, rude. All you had had to say was that Dr. Cullen and his wife adopted them. There is no need to tell anyone about Mrs. Cullen allegedly being infertile." Lauren, Jessica, and the boys gape at you, but Angela hides her smile behind her cup. "And two, why should it matter if they're staring? Are you really that starstruck over a bunch of teenagers?"

"B-Because they're the Cullen’s!" Jessica practically whisper shouts. "They're like together-together- Rosalie and Emmett, and Alice and Jasper- and they never pay attention to anyone, and- oh god, now Edward is looking over here!"

Jessica is on the verge of swooning and you roll your eyes, sighing. "Jesus Christ," you mutter. "You really need to pull yourself together. They're kids like you and I, albeit better looking, but still kids nonetheless. It's like you're desperate for their attention."

"Well yeah," Lauren scoffs. "You should feel lucky they're even looking in your direction."

"Gross," you utter. Jessica and Lauren are now looking at you in disbelief and annoyance, and the boys have clearly busied themselves with gossip of their own when the Cullen’s were mentioned. Lightly clearing your throat, you stand up and pick up your tray. "Well it was nice talking to you, Eric and Angela. I'll see you around. Maybe."

You dump your tray and then make your way out of the cafeteria building, easily finding your next class since Emmett Cullen had fixed your map. You then proceed to have a class with Edward Cullen- he nodding in greeting when you catch his gaze, a nod which you return- and a class with Alice Cullen who is practically bouncing in her seat when the teacher sits you next to her. She's a little too perky for your likes, so you merely grin before immediately pulling out your spiral notebook and taking notes from the board.

Your last class of the day is your history class which you end up sitting next to Jasper Hale. He's very tense and quiet, and seems both interested yet terrified of your presence, so you don't pay him much mind after nodding at him when you take your seat.

All in all, your classes are decent and you've literally only spoken to one person in the entire that you can find yourself wanting to spend time with outside of school. Angela.

It doesn't take long for the teens of Forks High to realize you're not afraid to speak your mind when they annoy you, and you found yourself only ever seeking out Angela. And out of all the Cullen’s it's Alice who seemed most interested in befriending you, but you weren't really interested. You were polite when she approached you, but you never really offered to hang out with her or take her up on her offer to go shopping. And while every other student found it offensive that you've turned her down, her family found it rather amusing.

Jasper eventually slightly warmed up to you since your teacher had partnered you up with him for a project, so you found it rather easy explaining to him that you weren't really the type of girl Alice needed in her life. He chuckled at your explanation of cheery people not being your cup of tea, but that you didn't have the heart to tell Alice yourself, and promised to let her down easy for you. You sighed in relief, thanked him, and then got back to taking notes.

Fortunately for you, Bella Swan came to Forks and Alice found a new girl to set her attention on.

It's the weekend, and you and your mom are feeling up to spending a day on the beach. And since it's chilly out, your mom makes a few phone calls to La Push to make sure that you won't be getting in trouble if you were to make a fire on the beach. So after purchasing a small shovel and some easy to light wood that would keep your fire going, she drives the two of you down to La Push Beach.

You find the perfect place to have your fire, next to a rather large piece of driftwood that appears as if it'd make the perfect backrest. You dig a shallow hole while your mom makes a teepee of wood before lighting it, and then the two of you plop yourselves down and just breathe in the salty ocean air.

"So how are you liking school, darling?" Your mom asks as she pulls forward a bag of snacks and drinks. "We haven't really had time to sit and talk."

You shrug. "School is school. Met a few people I can actually call friends."

"That's wonderful!"

"But I also made more enemies, so.."

"Y/N," she groans and you laugh. Eventually she grins at you. "What'd they do?"

"They were either too chipper for me to handle or they let their insecurities get the better of them which turned them into snarky assholes."

"Anything in particular you didn't like?"

"Oh. Loads," you say, "but I would rather not get into it. It's done and over with, and I'm perfectly fine with having Angela and Jasper as my only go-to friends."

"If you say so."

"I do. How's the hospital?"

"Oh I love it," your mom suddenly gushes. "I honestly think this might be the place we finally settle down. The only complaint I have about the hospital is that the staff is ridiculously obsessed with Dr. Cullen and his good looks."

You snort. "Seriously? Everyone at school, some teachers included, are freakishly obsessed with Dr. Cullen's adopted children."

Your mom giggles. "Are they pretty too?"

"Very pretty," you sigh. "I'm on pretty decent terms with all of them. Jasper, however, is the only one I tend to seek out if I'm in need of sitting in silence with someone. He's quiet, but he's got a wicked sense of humor when he's comfortable enough to show it."

"Oohh. Do I sense a future boyfriend?"

"Oohh," you tease back, "no." Your mom frowns and you laugh. "Dr. Cullen's children are all seeing each other," you then admit. "Jasper and Rosalie Hale are Mrs. Cullen's niece and nephew, and Edward, Alice, and Emmett were adopted by Dr. Cullen. Jasper and Alice are dating, as are Rosalie and Emmett. Edward's got this weird thing going on with the other new girl Bella."

"Oh. Um that's a bit-"

"Weird? I mean yeah, but they're not actually related so it's legal. I think." You chuckle, shaking your head and tossing a pringle at your mom.

The two of you lapse into silence, you eventually retrieving your polaroid camera from the car to take a few pictures. You both decide to dip your feet into the ocean water, squealing not even a second later when it proves to be too cold. Then when you and your mom have finally had enough of the beach for the day, she starts gathering your trash while you prepare to turn out the fire.

But before you can throw the first batch of sand on it, a voice calls out to stall you. "Wait! If you're done with the fire, do you mind if my fiancée and I use it?"

You turn around to find a rather tall, muscular and tan individual. The woman at his side barely comes up to his shoulders and she smiles timidly, her hair hiding some pretty fresh facial scars. "Not at all." You dump the sand off your shovel, smiling in greeting. "We just put some wood on, so it should still burn for a bit."

The man smiles. "I'm Sam. This is Emily." The woman waves, a wave which you return.

"Y/N. And the crazy lady who has yet to speak up is my mom [enter mom's name here]."

"Hey!" You smirk, glancing over your shoulder as your mom joins you. "I'm not that crazy." She winks as she joins you, introducing herself to Sam and Emily.

"So you guys new to town?" Sam wonders.

"To Forks," she says.

"Yeah. We moved here about two months ago now. But I love the beach, so we decided to make a day of it." Sam and Emily nod in understanding. "But we should be going now. You guys have a fire to enjoy. It was nice meeting you."

"You as well," Emily softly says. "I hope we run into each other again."

"You will," your mom says. "I swear Y/N was a mermaid in another life. She loves the ocean."

"Either that or a wild animal. I'm kind of drawn to the forests around here. It's.. peaceful."

"They can be," Sam says, "but they can also be very dangerous. If you go hiking, go with a friend. A group is better."

"Duly noted, my dude."

"And on that note," your mom says, "we really should be going. Hope you two have a nice night."

"You as well," Sam replies as you and your mom take your leave.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months.

Your friendship with Angela had ended up leading you to being introduced to Bella, and you surprisingly found yourself with someone else you could call a friend. She doesn't tend to gossip or talk about anyone's insecurities, and she somehow manages to pick up on your moods pretty well. So when your mom can't make it to your beach trips, you tend to take Bella and/or Angela.

And on the days you go alone to the beach or your with your mom, Sam and/or Emily manage to find you.

The start of your Senior year is exciting and you're already looking forward to graduation. But not even two months into your Senior year, the Cullen’s decide to move away. You're sad to see Jasper go, but you completely understand and tell him and Alice to send postcards or knick knacks from wherever they make stops at. Healing crystals are your favorite just because they're pretty and you like to line them on your shelves, and Alice promises to send some really pretty ones.

Bella, however, seems to take their absence really hard. No amount of talking to her helps, so you give her some space. And in distancing yourself, you find yourself visiting La Push Beach more and more, and spending time with Emily.

It's there with Emily that you first meet Paul Lahote, Sam's newest friend.

"Hey Em, Paul and I are going to grill some burgers. You need anything from the market?"

"No, honey. I'm good."

"Y/N?"

Looking up from the crackling fire, you say, "Yes, Samuel?" Sam's friend snorts and you turn glittering eyes on him. "Hi. I'm Y/N."

Sam's friend looks right at you, his posture and expression going lax by the second. Your expression falters, even as you do your best to keep up a smile. Sam notices, frowns, and then smothers laughter as he elbows his friend. "Oh. Um, I'm Paul."

"Nice." You look back at Sam, grinning. "Can you bring some hot Cheetos?"

"Sure thing." Paul seems perfectly content looking at you, so Sam has to grasp him by the shoulder. "Let's go, Lahote. If Y/N doesn't get her hot Cheetos soon, she'll get cranky."

You don't deny his statement, only grinning wider and shrugging a shoulder. Paul huffs a laugh, but joins Sam, and you refocus your attention on Emily who's smiling a little too wide. "What?"

"So Paul, huh? Was it just me or did he seem a little too interested?"

You roll your eyes, chuckling. "Do all Quileute boys look like that? Because if so, I'm in trouble."

"I'm surprised you didn't bite his head off for staring."

"It's La Push, Em, I'm telling you," you chuckle. "There's just something about this place that makes me feel at peace. I feel.. connected almost, if that makes any sense."

"It does," she grins knowingly. "Believe me, it does."

Eventually Sam and Paul return to Emily entertaining you with changing the color of the fire by tossing driftwood into it, and they grill up some burgers on a small portable grilling pit. Sam and Emily are side-by-side, laughing as you suck in air between clenched teeth because you ate too many hot cheetos yet again. Nearby, Paul looks torn between laughing or getting you something to drink.

You can't explain it, but you immediately get on with Paul. He's talkative, which normally annoys you, but you find yourself relaxed around him. He's sort of a touchy-feely person, but you don't mind and even relax when he sits next to you and slings an arm around your shoulders when you end up laughing a little too hard at one of your own jokes. You don't see it, but Sam and Emily stare at you and Paul with fond expressions.

The night soon comes to an end and you leave the beach with a few new polaroids to hang on your wall, some of which you having departed with because Emily and Paul wanted them.

Another few weeks pass which leaves you looking forward to Christmas vacation after the shit day you've had at school. Your mom's already been informed of the altercation which took place, and after spending all day in In-School-Suspension since she couldn't leave work to pick you up you're more than ready to go home and nap the rest of the day away.

However, when you get home, you're all too aware of the grumpy mood you're slipping into when you're left alone with your thoughts. You feel mentally drained, you wish you didn't, and all you want to do is get away. So after tossing and turning in the comfort of your bed, you grab your cell phone which was lying next to you and scroll down to Emily's name.

The phone rings a couple of times before she picks up. "Hello?"

"Hey, Em, you busy?"

"Not at all. How are you?"

You gulp. "I've been better. Today was a shit day and I just- I need to get out. You busy this weekend?"

"Nope. What did you have in mind?" She chuckles.

"It sounds pretty juvenile," you say, "but I was wondering if you were interested in a girl's weekend? Starting tonight preferably? Obviously Sam will be there because we'll be at your house, but I much rather deal with you and him than anyone here in Forks."

"That sounds wonderful," she says. "Will your mom be okay with that?"

"Yeah. She understands how I get sometimes and she'll be happy that I'm taking the initiative to put myself in a positive atmosphere rather than sulking over what happened for the next three days."

"That bad, huh?"

"Not necessarily."

"Tell you what. Paul is actually in Forks on a job for Sam. I can call him and have him pick you up if you want to leave the car with your mom."

"That sounds perfect, Em. Thank you. I'll call my mom right now to let her know what the plan is."

"Okay. See you soon."

After hanging up with Emily, you call your mom. You tell her that you need a breather and that Emily's offered to let you spend the weekend with her starting tonight. Your mom agrees to the plan and assures you that she has a ride home after work so she doesn't need you to wait for her to get out or for you to drop the car off.

Your mom ends up keeping you on the phone a little longer than expected to talk about what went down at school, so you've only just hung up with her and made it downstairs to the hall closet to search for a duffel bag when there's a knock on the front door.

Opening the door, you're met with a rather sheepish Paul. "Hey, Lahote. You got here fast."

"Yeah. I was already done with my errand when Em called."

"Oh good. I haven't packed my bag yet, so come on in."

Paul enters your house and you shut the door behind him. "Emily mentioned a girl's weekend starting tonight. Don't you have school tomorrow?"

"Yeah about that," you chuckle nervously as you lead him upstairs, "I'm actually suspended tomorrow and have been instructed to cool off over the weekend."

"Suspended?" Paul snorts. "What the hell did you do?"

"Shoes off at the top step or you wait there," you quickly inform him. "The whole top floor is carpeted and I don't like shoes on the carpet." Paul hesitates, but he kicks off his shoes in the end. "And I might have punched Bella Swan."

Paul barks out a quick laugh as he follows you. "What did Bella Swan ever do to you?"

The whole upstairs level is a loft which your mom gladly let you have and you've fixed it to your liking so you're not hesitant to let anyone see it. You move to your dressers to grab three sets of comfortable clothes to lounge around in, underwear, and then grab a pair of jeans from your closet. "She, uh, she's been hanging out with that Jacob Black kid that keeps going on and on about Sam being in a cult," you say while setting your clothes into the duffel bag.

You walk over to your bathroom, quickly grabbing your toiletries and carrying them out to drop on your bed. "I don't know how she knows we hang out, but she had the goddamn nerve to tell me that I needed to stop hanging out with you because you and Sam were bad news. I laughed it off at first because she's a friend, but she kept pushing and I just- I snapped."

You plop down on your bed and when you look up, you find Paul standing in front of your book shelf which houses only two shelves of books while your healing crystals take up one shelf and geodes of various colors on another. "You really like rocks, don't you?"

You shrug. "They're pretty and most of those are from a friend who just moved away. I don't actually believe they have healing abilities, I just like the aesthetic of it all." Paul picks a couple up, examining them. "I was gonna learn how to make a necklace with some of the smaller ones, but then I got lazy. Maybe I'll learn soon."

As Paul moves on from the crystals to standing in front of the polaroids stuck to your wall, you smile and fix the contents of your bag. "Sam and Emily are in a lot of these," he says while grinning over his shoulder.

"Because I like them. It feels like I've known them for ages rather than a few months." Just as you've pulled the blanket from your bed to fold and take with you, Paul plops down on the edge of the bed. "No, no, don't!" Paul freezes and then his eyes widen, and you sigh. "Don't you dare get comfortable, Lahote."

"Jesus Christ," he groans. "What is your bed made out of?" He scoots up your bed, laying back fully. "If we ever get to that point in our friendship where we have sleepovers, I'm definitely sleeping in your bed."

You snort. "Keep dreaming."

"Oh I will." You're thankful his eyes are closed because his words make you blush.

You quickly get yourself under control, and once you have everything Paul takes your bag while leaving you to take your blanket and pillow. He easily slides his feet back into his sneakers and you follow him downstairs where you put on your own shoes. Then outside, Paul opens the passenger door for you before handing you your bag.

"All set?"

"Yep. All set."

Paul shuts the door, smirking, and you roll your eyes at him as he saunters in front of the truck to get to the driver side door. He chuckles as he settles himself behind the steering wheel and your thoughts the entire way to La Push are centered around how screwed you are if Paul keeps up with the flirty behavior.

Thursday night at Sam and Emily's proved to be exactly what you needed. You had attempted to help her in the kitchen, but she pushed you into the living room to find something on tv. Sam and Paul had left to run some errands, so instead you made yourself comfortable at the kitchen table and kept Emily company while she cooked.

The boys had reappeared with a friend in tow, all shirtless and barefoot. You were introduced to Jared who couldn't stop smirking at you and Paul, and you only had to threaten him once when he made a crass joke directed at you. It almost sounded like a growl had come from Paul, but Emily had distracted you soon after.

When Sam and Emily had found out why you didn't have school on Friday, they seemed rather amused but it was Emily who had lightly scolded you about violence not being the answer. You assured her you knew and that your mom had already gotten on your case about it, and then proceeded to help Emily around the house and do a bit of grocery shopping since it seemed she fed not only Sam, but also Paul and Jared. Then Friday night you and Emily watched movies as the boys ran some more errands, and the two of you barely complained when the boys crashed it.

Saturday morning, you and Emily had been making some breakfast when Paul showed up. He had greeted Emily with a kiss to her cheek and when he turned to you, you raised an eyebrow at him. He had huffed, but gave you a brief side-hug before joining Sam at the table. Then just as you were taking the coffee to the table, a heart stopping howl had ripped through the air. You shuddered, Sam and Paul perked up, and Emily attempted to distract you.

But before she could, Sam spoke up. "There's nothing to be scared of. The wolves don't go anywhere near our homes."

You had startled at the hand Emily laid on your shoulder and then realized you had frozen when you heard the howl. "Oh. I'm not scared." You had set the coffee down and then took a seat. "I actually like wolves. I just never heard one outside of a wolf sanctuary."

Paul choked on his bite of food. "W-Wolf sanctuary? You've been to one of those."

"Yeah." You had started to make yourself a plate when you explained. "When I was younger, I was really obsessed with wolves. Before my dad passed, he would take me every summer to the sanctuary. I visited so much that one wolf in particular remembered me. She would knock me down to greet me and then follow me around for as long as I was there."

Not long after you had shared that memory, Jared rushed in through the back door and Emily made him sit to have breakfast before he whisked Sam and Paul away. Then before Sam had left, he had told you and Emily to dress warm because there was a bonfire with Quileute Elders that he had wanted you to attend later that night. Paul had become apprehensive at that, but your interest had been piqued immediately.

Then later that night after you had dressed warm for the beach, Sam had driven you and Emily. Paul was waiting for you at the beach and you noticed he seemed almost nervous, so when he reached for your hand you let him take it without a word. There were a handful of people on the beach, sitting around a fire, and you smiled and shook hands with everyone Paul introduced you to.

Eventually, Harry Clearwater called for everyone's attention. He spoke of the Quileute legends- of the men long before their time and spirit warriors who chased away threats. Everyone listening was hanging off his every word, and you found yourself enthralled with the tale of the Cold Ones and the Quileutes magically shifting into wolves who hunted the Cold Ones down after one slaughtered half their village. He spun a beautiful tale that you left shivering when a woman sacrificed herself for her husband and something about the somber atmosphere afterward left you feeling off. It was almost as if everyone present believed in the legends.

Harry went on to explain that the Quileute legends were passed down from generation to generation, and that it was of the utmost importance no outsiders hear them. And that- that confused you because you were the very definition of an outsider. Yet it also didn't slip your mind that everyone you had met welcomed you with warm smiles.

Back at Sam and Emily's, Emily has instructed you, Sam, and Paul to take a seat at the table while she whisks up some hot chocolate.

But your earlier thoughts are still sticking with you. "Not that I don't appreciate being invited out tonight, but why was I?" You hesitantly ask. "I'm clearly not of Quileute blood."

Paul's gaze immediately darts to Sam. He and Paul share a look, the elder man nodding. Paul promptly stands and heads out the back door, and you frown as you watch him go. "Special circumstances made it so that we were able to bring in you in on the secret."

"Secret?" You wonder. "Your legends are really that secretive?"

"They have to be," Emily carefully explains as she makes her way back to the table, hot chocolate forgotten. "If not, the wolves would be hunted down."

"The wolves?" You quirk an eyebrow, grinning, but your amusement falters when a howl pierces the air. You gulp and your eyes immediately dart to the back door. "That was a coincidence."

Another howl echoes back. "Should someone go get Paul? That sounded awfully close."

Emily smiles sadly and you find yourself climbing to your feet to follow after her. Sam follows behind and you can't help the sharp inhale when a large gray wolf stands in their backyard. "That's no normal wolf," you mutter, shocked at the sheer size of it.

The wolf seems antsy, whining as it shifts it's weight from front paw to front paw. You can't take your eyes off it, nor it you, and you find your chest aching with how hard and fast your heart is pumping.

"The wolves protect our lands from the Cold Ones. Vampires," Sam says and you flinch, startled. "The Quileute legends were just that- legends that we were told growing up. But then a coven of Cold Ones settled in Forks and their proximity started to trigger our shapeshifting abilities."

"O-Our?"

Sam smiles sadly before walking off the porch and towards the gray wolf. Your eyes widen and you reach out for him, but Emily pulls you back. "It's okay," she tells you. "Watch."

From one moment to the next, Sam bursts out of his clothes and in his place is an even larger black wolf. You choke back a sob, your mind trying to wrap around what it is you're seeing. Emily tucks you under one of her arms, but you hold yourself tense. "I- I don't- what?"

"They're our protectors."

"But- but how?" You shakily point at Sam, then towards the gray wolf. "And who?"

Emily squeezes you a little closer. "I think you know who, sweetheart."

The gray wolf whines and takes a step closer, but the black wolf lowly growls at him. Your mind is going a mile minute and part of you is wanting to go searching for Paul. But surely if Paul had heard the howl, he'd have come back or called or something. And then it clicks. "Paul?" the wolf whines louder and lowers itself to its belly. You exhale harshly, breath stuttering as you try not to freak out. "I- I need-"

"Shh," Emily shushes you. "Let's get you back inside and-"

"Home. I need to go home," you say as you start walking backwards. The gray wolf whines louder, standing up and running towards the woods. The black wolf watches him go before looking back at you and Emily, huffing once before sprinting after the wolf himself.

"Come on, Y/N. I'll get you home."

You collect your belongings in a daze, meeting Emily by the kitchen. She smiles sadly at you, a smile which you return, and you follow after her to Sam's truck. Just as you've set your bag and blanket down, and are about to hop into the truck, a heart shattering howl rips through the air. You freeze and turn towards the woods, your heart aching at the sorrowful howl.

The drive is silent with the exception of the static-filled airwaves and all too soon Emily is parking outside your house. Your house is empty with your mom being at work, so you're in no rush to get out and Emily is in no rush to kick you out.

The seconds seem to drag on until eventually you ask the question that's been nagging you since Sam let the wolf out of the bag. "Why me?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why me, Em?" You sigh and turn in your seat to stare at the woman. "What were the special circumstances that Sam deemed it appropriate for me to know all this?"

She fidgets in her seat. "This is something you should be really talking to Paul about, Y/N."

"But I'm asking you. I don't- I need time. But I also need to know why you guys let an outsider in when it's clear outsiders aren't welcome."

You stare at Emily long enough that she finally caves. "The wolves have something that they call Imprints. Long story short, imprints are the wolves' soulmates. They live, they breathe, and they'll do anything for this one person."

"Okay..?"

"I am Sam's imprint," she breathes out a little too quickly, "and you-"

"And me?" You ask when she trails off. She looks at you, almost as if pleading with her eyes to not make her say it. Your chest aches with realization. "And I'm whose? Paul's?" At her hesitant nod it's like all the air is sucked from your lungs. Your eyes tear up and a noise that's a mixture between a laugh and sob escapes you. Emily continues to stare and you shake your head, sniffling. "I think I should go."

"Y/N."

"Please don't," you mutter. "This is a lot to take in and I just need-"

"Time," Emily finishes. "I understand."

As you grab your blanket and pillow a little tighter in one arm, you grab the strap of your duffel bag with the other. Getting out, you then stand by the opened door. "I'll talk to you soon, Em. I will," you assure her. "I just need to sleep on it."

Just as you're getting ready to shut the door, Emily stops you. "I know it's a lot to take in. Believe me, I know," she huffs a laugh. "And when you come back around, remind me to tell you all about how Sam and I first started out."

"Do you- would you mind telling me now?" You meekly ask. "My mom will still be gone for a few more hours and in all honesty I would rather learn of everything from a fellow imprint."

"A-Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay then. I'll just call and leave a message for Sam."

Shapeshifting wolves, Imprints, and Cold Ones. It's a lot to take in, especially learning just who the Forks coven was, but a lot easier to digest coming from Emily. Hers and Sam's story was heartbreaking, but watching the love and affection she held for him eased your mind and heart some.

You had Sunday all to yourself, not doing anything at all but lounging in bed and watching the cheesiest rom-coms you could find on tv. Your mom had lured you downstairs with some meatloaf and gravy, and then you had proceeded to shower and get in bed early for school the next morning.

Monday morning had a good morning text and an apology from Paul, and you did your best to pay attention in school. People were still talking about how Bella got her black eye, but they were let down when you and Bella ran into one another and all you did was nod before moving on. She was still in a slump since the Cullen's departure and it took everything in you to keep from telling her you knew about the Cold Ones. But you figured in doing so, she'd want to know how you found out and you couldn't tell her about the wolves. So you kept quiet and tried to figure out exactly what you were going to do about Paul.

Emily had explained that the relationship between a wolf and his imprint wasn't necessarily romantic, but more often than not that's how it usually played out. She tried her best to not persuade you into anything, so you assured her she had nothing to worry about. Things between you and Paul weren't exactly normal, but you were comfortable enough with whatever you and him had going on.

Then by Monday night the loneliness started to kick in and you couldn't hold back for much longer. So Tuesday morning, after dropping your mom off at work, you decide to skip school and head down to La Push.

It's not long before you're parking in front of Emily's house. You've only walked up the steps when the screen door opens and Paul steps out. His expression is stoic, hands tucked into the front pockets of his jean shorts.

"Can we- can we go for a walk?" You ask. Paul nods and you turn to head back down the steps. He follows after you and you cross your arms over your chest as the two of you walk down the road. "So wolves," you drawl. "And imprints."

Paul huffs, smothering his amusement. "Yep. Emily told us she told you everything."

"Yeah. Sorry about that. I just figured it'd be easier to hear from her rather than anyone else." You kick a stray rock, sighing.

"Do you have any questions?"

"Hmm? Oh. No. I just wanted to see you."

Paul stops and you continue a few steps more before turning around to face him. When you meet his gaze, you roll your eyes at his smug expression. "So you're not going to freak out?"

"That's what Sunday was for," you tell him. "And then I moped around a bit on Monday and caved this morning."

"So what are-"

"We?" You finish for him. He nods. "I'm not sure. I was just hoping we would take it day by day. If something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. So what do you say?" You ask, holding a hand out for him.

He glances at your hand, grinning. "Sure. Why not." Taking up your hand, you and Paul then head back towards Emily's.

Christmas came and went, you spending the day with your mom since she had the day off. Then New Years came and you spent the day on the Rez since your mom had to work. You learn about the pack dynamics since more wolves had started to phase and then raised the question about why they were phasing if the Cullen coven had moved away. It was Paul who reluctantly admitted that they didn't know why.

Then Jacob Black joined the pack and Bella fell back down the slippery slope into a state of depression. But something about this time around seemed different and you just knew it was going to be bad. And sure enough you were right. Mostly.

You're finishing up an English essay when the doorbell rings. You ignore it since your mom is downstairs, grinning when you hear her greet Paul. She had met him on Christmas Eve and if you hadn't called dibs, you were pretty sure she would have jokingly tried. Your mom stalls Paul for just a little while and then you hear him climbing the stairs just as you cross your last t's and dot your last i's.

"Hey there, smarty pants."

You smile and close your binder, capping your pen and turning in your seat. "Hey, wolf boy. Done with patrol?"

"Yeah. Sam gave me the night to cool off."

"Cool off?" Paul sheepishly pads barefoot over to your bed, falling in and scooting towards the wall. You get up, clicking off your desk lamp and plugging in the fairy lights above your bed. "What did you do?" You ask, falling into bed right next to him.

"Black got around Sam's gag order and that leech lover of his found out about us."

"Leech lov- Bella? Bella knows about the Quileutes?" You ask, eyes wide and voice lowered.

"Yep." You finally settle down, head pillowed on his outstretched arm while you drape an arm across his abdomen. "Bella punched me and-"

"She punched you?!"

"Yes." He chuckles at your outrage. "And I shifted in front of her. Jacob and I got into a fight, and Bella was let in on everything. Turns out that redheaded leech is after her because her leech killed her mate and now she wants to return the favor."

"Jesus Christ," you groan. "Bella's a magnet for them."

"Yeah. So until we get a handle on the situation, please be careful. Don't do any unnecessary wandering in the woods and definitely don't go anywhere with Bella fuckin' Swan."

You snuggle deeper into him, snorting. "Aye, aye, captain. You staying the night?"

"Yeah. Your mom wants the car in the morning because she has to pick up a friend. I'm taking you to school and picking you up."

"Sounds good."

And within minutes, with Paul idly tracing patterns on your back, you're fast asleep.

Waking up the following morning, however, is a lot harder when Paul's cuddling you. You have to drag yourself out from under his arm and then grumble unflattering words at him as he snuggles down with your pillow while you get ready for school.

There's coffee waiting for you downstairs courtesy of your mom and a note of thanks from her to Paul for not defiling you under her roof while she was sleeping downstairs. Paul's cheeks turn red and you giggled the entire drive to school.

The staring reminds you of your first day of school, but this time it's because of Paul. You roll your eyes at the females who seem a little too interested and scoff at Mike and Tyler who frown as you pass by. One stare in particular, however, catches your attention.

"You can let me out here," you say. "I wanna talk to Bella real quick."

"About?"

"Girl stuff." You grin at Paul, quickly rattling off the time you get out of school. Then when you hop out, you make your way towards Bella who's standing by her red monstrosity of a truck. "So I hear you learned about the boys on the Rez."

She blinks owlishly before jerking her head in a nod. "Yeah. You knew?"

"Yep. Since before Christmas."

She frowns. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Excuse me?" The nerve of this girl really grates on your nerves and your hand tightens its grip on the strap of your backpack. "Because it wasn't any of your business." She opens her mouth to no doubt explain her right in knowing, but she wisely shuts her mouth right away when she notices your white knuckled grip. "A word of advice, Bells, you touch Paul again and I'll blacken your other eye. Are we clear?"

Her eyes widen and when you quirk an eyebrow at her, she gulps and quickly nods. "Y-Yeah. Crystal."

"Good. Now let's get to class."

When you turn around, your curse under your breath when you realize Paul is still sitting there in his truck. He's smirking right at you and you just know he's heard what you told Bella. So after quickly flipping him off and grinning when you hear Bella snort in amusement, you and your sometimes friend head towards the school buildings.

You do your best to tune out those who would call themselves your friend, ignoring the questions about your mysterious morning companion. Bella, when around, had smirked through it all and only shrugged when the questions were then directed at her, she only telling them he was a guy from La Push.

Then when school lets out, you and Angela are walking side by side. She's going on about an upcoming article she's going to write when Paul catches your attention, he leaning on the tailgate of his truck. But when he catches sight of you, he pushes off and stalks towards you. You grin, Angela trails off when she realizes you're no longer paying her any attention, and Paul smirks just as he comes toe to toe with you.

"What are you doing, Lah-" Hands cup your jaw and feverish lips press against yours. You gasp before your eyes flutter shut, your hands grasping the front of his shirt as you lean up on the tips of your toes to press back against him. Angela giggles from beside you and you only pull back when a whistle pierces the air. You fall back so you're flat on your feet, gulping before licking your bottom lip. "So, uh, so we're doing that now, are we?"

"You started it when you threatened to blacken Swan's eye."

Angela snorts as you purse your lips to keep from laughing. "Whatever. Paul, this is Angela. Ang, this Paul. My.. Paul."

"Smooth," he chuckles, then glances at Angela and nods in greeting. "Hi. It's nice to meet one of Y/N's friends. She doesn't like to introduce me to any of them."

You punch his shoulder. "Not true. Most of my friends are your friends. Angela is the only one outside of La Push that I consider a friend and this is the first time you've literally come here. Don't be a dick."

Paul merely grins down at you, bringing you to his side and turning you so his arm drapes along the back of your shoulders. Angela smiles. "You two are adorable. No wonder none of the boys here caught your attention."

You roll your eyes, biting back a smile. "Yeah, yeah. This idiot had me hooked early on. No one in Forks even stood a chance."

"And on that note," Paul muses, far too smug, "we really should get going."

After telling your friend you'd see her tomorrow, you follow Paul to his truck where he proceeds to open the door for you. Then once he's settled behind the wheel and starts to carefully drive out of the school parking lot, he holds his right hand out in between you and you barely glance at it before grasping his hand with your own left. "So we're really doing this? No going back?"

He grins. "No going back."

#paul x reader #paul lahote x reader #paul lahote imagine #twilight imagine #new moon imagine #paul lahote #sam uley #emily young #angela weber #bella swan #twilight #new moon #fanficimagery #imagine

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littlemisslipbalm · 4 years

Text

“I am not going to join your band” Part 2

aka “I don’t know if I can join your band”

Part 2 is here with Mitch being a good best friend and slightly over protective + Harry jamming with you ;)

Word Count: 4.8k | Warnings: crying, makeouts, swearing - otherwise its pure HS1 album FLUFF

agh my Tumblr is being so complicated - I was finally about to post this and then the page quit on me and deleted the draft but we are here again so hopeful it works!! PLEASE give me feedback - I love to know what y’all think and let me know if anyone wants a part 3!

Part 1!

Later in the Day

It was nearing the end of the official workday, the day when you had played for the entire crew that was working on Harry’s album. The stress of the day and the work you had done with Harry and Mitch on the song had made you more tired than you had ever been after any previous day in the studio.

“Y/N, would you mind staying late tonight? I want to keep working on the song from earlier and I want your input since it’s your tune after all.”

You sat on an empty couch and looked up at Harry. “But Mitch is my ride?” you asked. “Oh...I mean I already assumed he was staying, but I can go check with him?” Harry gave a quick wink and then turned on his heel, quickly disappearing from your sight.

Of course, right then, Mitch walked through the opposite door, looking down at his phone. He glanced up and saw you, then he slowly switched his course to sit beside you.

You leaned your head on his shoulder, the sweater he wore today was soft with black and dark purple stripes. You had given it to him for Christmas this past year. He usually only wore it for special occasions so you had been a bit surprised to see it on him today.

“You look tired,” Mitch said as he reached around to your shoulder and gave you a light pet.

“Harry wants us to stay and work on the piece I played earlier,” was all you responded, ignoring his previous statement.

Mitch stiffened up, slightly, and rustled his body, making you lift your head from his shoulder and look at him inquisitively. “I can’t stay late tonight,” was all he said, his face unreadable and his eyes not willing to meet yours.

“Mitch, what’s up?” your eyes filled with concern, “Are you feeling alright? Do you think you’ve caught a cold?”

Mitch’s eyes flashed around the room, making sure the two of you wouldn’t be overheard. Then he turned to you, moving one leg to rest underneath him, the other hanging off the couch.

He whispered, “I’m going on a date with Sarah tonight.”

“Oh.” You didn’t know what else to say.

You still loved Mitch and he had found Sarah. Admittedly, they were perfect together, and you had never seen him smile so much with anyone else besides you - and Harry, now.

And you knew, you knew the way he looked at Sarah was never the way he looked at you. Maybe you had never had anything to compare it with before or maybe all this time you had been deluding yourself, but Mitch never looked passionately at you, with the fire of admirance and love in his eyes - it seemed to be reserved only for Sarah.

Sarah was wonderful, you and her got along well, and she put up with Mitch’s idiosyncrasies. If anyone was taking Mitch away from you, you guessed you had to be lucky it was Sarah. Still, you couldn’t help the lump in your throat that you had when Mitch told you his news.

“Well,” you looked away from Mitch’s gleaming eyes, “I’ll just ask Harry if he can give me a lift home when we’re done here. Enjoy your date, Mitch. You deserve to be happy.”

Mitch noticed the look on your face and he felt horrible. You were his best friend so he had wanted to tell you about how excited he was for this. It had been so hard for him to finally ask Sarah out rather than just hanging out with her in a group. He only had been able to do it with the help of Harry, who had kept encouraging him to go for it everyday. But Mitch knew how you felt about him. He liked to pretend he didn’t notice, he liked to think everything you did for him was just best friend stuff, but at the end of the day he knew it wasn’t. The look on your face just now confirmed that.

He wanted to say ‘I’m sorry’ but he wasn’t sure that would actually help the situation.

So he said, “Thanks, Y/N…” and you thought that was it, but then he continued, “You know what, you deserve to be happy, too. I know Harry’s been asking you to join the band and I know you’ve been saying no, but maybe, reconsider. This is our chance to do something with our lives, bigger than we ever could have hoped. C’mon, we say we’re happy living these boring, quiet lives, but I’ve known you your whole life. I’ve been with you when you were in high school, laying on the roof of my car, looking up at the stars, saying, ‘Ya’wanna’know my wildest dream, Mitch? My wildest dream is to get the fuck outta here and make a name for myself. Be somebody. Not be some forgotten name in this town’s tiny cemetery with a headstone that reads: ‘She lived a happy, boring, uneventful life here and now she’s fucking dead’.”

Silence.

Mitch wasn’t one to go on a tangent, more of a wise word interjected here and there man. Random thoughts sometimes, but a paragraph worth of words, almost never.

“That was a little hyperbolic of me,” was your only response.

Mitch looked at you, obviously not satisfied at your response. You sighed. “I’ll think about it,” you resigned.

Mitch said, “Good,” and ruffled the hair on top of your head before exiting the room.

You sat back and ran your hands over your face, it was hot in the room, the air feeling like you were swimming and couldn’t get to the surface. You let out a loud huff and closed your eyes.

“Mitch not staying?” Your eyes flashed open.

Harry stood just inside the doorway of the room. “I’m assuming you found him first and he told you he couldn’t stay.”

“How do you figure that?”

You sat up and looked at Harry, his arms were crossed over his chest, pushing his biceps up, making them look more prominent. He then moved quickly to sit in the wheely chair across from the couch. He sat in it and swiveled around, scooting closer to you and looking directly in your eyes.

“From the look on your face, you seem upset. And when I went to look for him, I couldn’t find him and then got held up on my way back to you. So, he must’ve found you first.”

You sighed again. You really didn’t think talking about it would make you feel better, but Harry obviously could tell there was something wrong and he wasn’t the kind of guy to just ignore it.

“Yeah,” you balked at the eye contact Harry was trying to maintain and looked at your pair of feet between the two of you.

Harry was wearing some black old skool vans, you were wearing checkered ones that looked a bit more worn in. “You have big feet,” you continued, trying to change the course of discussion, you suspected where it was going.

“Y/N,” Harry rested a hand on your knee, pleading for you to be serious, and you flashed your eyes back to his face.

“You’re in love with him, yeah?”

Harry’s tone was serious, but he asked it softly, scared that you might take offense to the intrusive question. The question echoed in your mind, bouncing off the walls repeating itself. Then tears welled up in your eyes, you couldn’t stop them and finally you couldn’t stop from blinking either.

The tears slid down your face, “I-I, uh, know he’s falling for Sarah.” You sniffled, but continued, “And I’m happy for him, I really am, all I’ve ever wanted for him is to be happy. He’s...my best friend, but I had always hoped that he’d want to be happy with me…”

You couldn’t stand this rush of emotion and the fact that you were now sobbing in front of Harry. You sank onto the back of the couch, leaning forward and covering your face again.

Harry looked on as you fell apart in front of him. It pained him to see you like this. He had liked getting to know your infectious spirit over the past weeks. It was quiet, but it was there below the surface, just asking to be let out.

He reached out and took your hands from your face. You looked up, eyes puffy and red already, as he cradled your face in one hand and held yours in the other.

“Hey, shhh, Darling, don’t cry please,” he whispered. His thumb ran over your cheek, swiping quickly away at the tears leaving your eyes.

You tried to stop, but you couldn’t.

“Oh, Darling, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Harry muttered after a few more minutes passed of your weeping and his attempts at trying to comfort you.

“‘S not your fault, really,” you choked out, still trying to take deep breaths and get yourself under control.

After one more deep breath, you felt the tears stopping their flow, and your watery eyes looking into Harry’s intense stare.

“I was ready to cry the minute Mitch told me he was going on a date with Sarah tonight. I was trying to calm myself down when you came in. You probably could’ve said ‘want some dinner?’ and I would’ve started sobbing about how Mitch’s favorite meal is dinner.” You weakly laughed and Harry’s lips quirked up slightly, still feeling terrible for you.

He ran a hand softly over your hair, “Do ya’ want some? Some dinner?” voice still staying low, yet taking on a lighter tone.

His voice helped soothe you out of your sadness. It was melodic even when he spoke, his accent could make anything sound good.

He starts to go on about how there’s probably some food left that would be good, but you cut him off, “Harry, I’m not really hungry.”

“Oh...well,” he sat silent for a moment, “What always helps me when I’m sad is pouring those emotions into my work. Write some of my favorite stuff like that.”

You began to smile for the first time, almost all day, “I’d like that.” Your voice cracked a bit, your throat was definitely sore from the sobs that you kept emitting while you had cried over Mitch.

“Alright, let’s get in there, then,” Harry jerked his head to the studio behind him and fixed his grasp in your hand. He pulled you to your feet and into the next room.

The two of you set to work, you on the piano and him on the guitar. You talked about the chord progressions and how it sounded, but otherwise you didn’t speak much.

You appreciated Harry for sticking with you in your rough time, for being there for you.

“Wait, play that again..” Harry heard you had tweaked the sound of the melody. You played it on the piano - “I like that, do you think you can play it on the guitar?”

“Yeah, I guess,” you rose from the piano stool and took the guitar from Harry. You shut your eyes and tried to picture the chords in your mind, you had never been as good at guitar. Mitch had taught you a little bit and you’d strummed a bit more these past few weeks, but it was definitely a challenge for you.

You opened your eyes after a minute and placed your fingers on the first chord and jumped into the progression.

“Keep playing that,” Harry said. Then, he began to sing, “Sweet Creature…” he looked straight at you.

You didn’t notice as you focused on keeping the progression the same and keeping the tempo Harry had liked from earlier.

“Had another talk about where it’s going wrong,” at these words you looked up from the guitar. Your playing cut off and your eyes met Harry’s.

He licked his lips and looked expectantly at you. “That was amazing, Harry!”

His brows knit together, he thought you had gotten upset from the words. He thought it was so obvious he was singing about you, but you simply complimented his art, oblivious to him drawing from you and Mitch and himself.

“Yeah, that was pretty good, I’ll write it down, but do you want to work on something else for now, don’t want to overwork this one. I’ll probably figure out the rest of lyrics on my own.” Harry said quickly, wanting to move forward, slightly embarrassed.

You nodded, but you were confused that Harry wanted to move one when you were making so much progress.

“We should probably get going,” Harry said after checking his phone for the time.

You knew it was late, but it hadn’t bothered you. Staying late, working on songs with just Harry, it had helped to take your mind off of Mitch and Sarah. This was the beginning of a new chapter for you. One where you weren’t going to pine over Mitch.

You nodded and began to gather your things scattered around the studio.

Harry and you had eventually ended up laying on the floor, heads towards each other, staring at the ceiling. The first few hours had been productive, honestly, you’d worked through some kinks in various songs in progress. But after hour three, the exhaustion was getting to both of you and the creative juices had run out.

You laid there, together, Harry strumming his guitar idly as you talked about nothing in particular, that is, until Harry saw the time.

“So…” you started after you had settled into Harry’s car.

Harry glanced at you, ready to drive off, but wanting to know what you had to say first.

“I’ve been thinking about your offer for me, for me to play keys on tour.” You expected Harry to say something, but he looked at you waiting for you to continue.

“I,” you stopped, taking a deep breath and sighing heavily, “It would be a great opportunity, I just don’t know yet- I don’t know if I can join your band.” You looked down at your hands, you felt silly, still not giving Harry a real answer, when he continued to ask you to join.

“Nothing has to be decided right now...it’s better than ‘I’m not going to join your band’ - it’s not a ‘no’ - and I can work with that.”

You laughed, slightly relieved at his response, and rested your head on your palm, your arm situated on the car door windowsill, a sparkle appearing in your eyes as you looked over at Harry.

After this, he drove you to your apartment, and you sat listening to the soothing songs of Harry’s playlist emit from the speakers. You spoke only when Harry needed directions back to your home.

“‘Ere we are,” Harry said as you pulled up to the front of your apartment. You noticed his voice got deeper and slower the later it got in the day.

You didn’t know how to get out and leave.

Like you did, of course, but usually when Mitch gave you a ride home you would give him a hug, but this wasn’t Mitch, it was Harry. You felt weird not doing anything to say a meaningful goodbye, especially after what Harry had done for you tonight - distracting you from your sadness and channeling it elsewhere.

Maybe Harry noticed your fidgeting because he grabbed your hand and gave it a squeeze. “Hope ya’ have a nice night, yeah?” Then he gave you one of his smiles that could make world peace possible.

“Thank you...for everything, really means a lot,” you gave his much larger hand a squeeze back.

“Ouch! Trynna kill me?” Harry yanked your clasped hands up as if he’d just been burned. He teased you and you both burst into a hearty laugh despite your sleepiness.

“Goodnight, Harry!” You sang as you pulled away from his grasp and exited the car. You gave him a little twirl and dance once you were out of the car. He then watched you practically dance into your apartment building, only driving off once you were safely inside.

If there was one thing you had learned over the past month, it was that you could trust Harry and he’d be there for you. It was nice to know you had someone you could rely on beside Mitch.

One week later

You rolled your eyes at Harry, “Oh my god,” dragging out the words. He was teasing you in the studio, chasing after you in order to pick you up and swing you around.

He had been being silly all day, constantly calling you in between takes, running around, making jokes. He was in a good mood today. You didn’t know why.

After last week's breath through with what Harry called Sweet Creature, the album work had gotten a lot easier. Things flowed much quicker and everyone’s moods were brightened by it. But, you didn’t think it constituted the way Harry was being today.

Lunchtime rolled around in the middle of a meeting in the soundboard room, you noticed instantly that Harry’s mood had changed.

He was hunched over the tech, fiddling with various buttons - even after the technicians insisted he let them deal with it, he couldn’t be stopped. “Just need to…” he mumbled to himself and then trailed off.

You all sat there in slight confusion because you had thought he had called everyone into the room for some specific reason. However, after a few moments of his inattention to everyone, you realized he had forgotten he had called the meeting.

“Hey, Harry, it’s lunchtime,” Adam said after people had to become restless with inaction.

“Oh? We can talk about the song later then, I guess,” Harry said, barely moving his attention away from his work.

People filed out, but you stayed put, only moving to Harry’s side when the room had emptied.

“What’re you doing?” He didn’t even bother with a response or a glance thrown your way. “You were so happy earlier, what happened?”

“Just want it to be perfect…” Harry finally spoke up, his voice coming out muffled but he still wasn’t paying attention to you.

He waved you off when you tried to get him to explain more, but eventually you grew annoyed. You puffed out an angry sigh and stalked out of the room with a gruff “Fine.”

Harry never joined you for lunch and your annoyance changed back to concern. Not only were you technically third-wheeling with Mitch and Sarah, but you knew Harry skipping lunch was a sign of him overworking himself. You excused yourself from the new couple and went to search for Harry, it was an hour into lunch now.

You finally found him in a back room, it mainly stored broken instruments and other random crap someone had forgotten to get rid of or fix.

“Harry,” you breathed out, thankful to find him.

He looked up from where he sat on the ground. You now noticed he wasn’t just sitting there. He had been crying, his eyes how yours had been just a week ago, bloodshot and filled with pain.

“What if it’s not good enough? What if...what if I’m not good enough?”

You rushed to Harry at the sound of his voice cracking. His voice filled with confusion, anxiety, and pain. His self-doubt pulled at your heartstrings. How could someone so wonderful not see that they were so talented and loved.

“Hey now,” you crouched down next to him and pulled him into your chest.

“Do not ever. And I mean ever,” you pushed his head back to force him to meet your eyes, “let anyone - including yourself- tell you you’re not good enough, Harry Styles. Because you are more than enough and this album, it’s gonna be amazing and people are going to love it. I just know it.”

You sat with him while his tears rolled down his beautiful face. Just one week ago, he had been there when you were at a low moment and now you were there for him.

“How’d you know to come find me?” Harry asked after a few minutes of shaky deep breaths attempting to calm himself back down.

You rubbed your hand across his broad back in circular motions. “Didn’t. But it’s an hour into lunch and if you’re late it’s never more than thirty minutes and if you plan to eat in the studio and work, you grab it first thing and go back. I noticed you were off in your head in the soundboard room earlier, so I thought I’d check around for you,” you said like it was the most logical thing in the world to know Harry’s exact habits.

Then you added, “I was concerned about you.”

Harry raised his head and you brushed his hair from his face once more. His green eyes appeared a darker shade in this moment, the room was dimly lit and his tears had tired him out. You liked touching his hair, it was soft and lush, your fingers combing easily through the locks.

You returned his stare and his eyes seemed to search yours. “I’m very thankful you’re in my life, Y/N,” was all he said after the silent stare.

“I’m very thankful for you, too,” you started sincerely, and then decided to poke some fun at him, attempting to lighten the heavy feeling in the room, “Even if you pester me constantly and are always incessantly talking my ear off…”

Harry’s face twisted into a smug smirk and threw his arms around you, “Oh, is that how you want to play it?”

He pulled you to him in a hug and then yanked the two of you back with a weird thrash of his body, you couldn’t contain the squeal that left your mouth. His movements caused you two to end up laying on the ground with Harry on his back and you right on top of him.

“Look at what you’ve done,” you said, mock exasperated, your faces extremely close together as you laid against one another.

As much as you didn’t like being yanked around, you were happy that Harry was moving past his self-doubt and feeling like his usual happy self.

“Looks great from where I’m at,” he stated proudly, his smirk now a wide grin, “How ‘bout you? How’s your view?” Harry’s words set your heartbeat racing.

Your noses could have touched if you let your neck relax a few millimeters. And his hands were around your waist holding you tightly, while yours were on his chest. You didn’t realize how warm he was until this moment. Had he always been this warm? Or was it the crying? Or the small room? Your mind raced alongside your heartbeat. Everything inside you was practically burning from your current position.

“It’s quite lovely,” you admitted. Your neck was starting to hurt from holding it up at this odd angle, so you decided to relax it. Now your nose was touching Harry’s. His skin brushing soft up against yours. You didn’t miss when Harry’s breath hitched at the contact. His arms encircled your body more and gripped you more tightly. Then you felt him begin to sit up and your legs fell around his body.

When you were fully upright, you were straddling him, your bodies closer than you thought possible in this position. Your chest was so tight to his you could feel your breasts aching from the pressure. It was silent, just Harry’s and your breathing filling the space. The air was thick to breathe. This tension you didn’t realize existed between you and Harry had become unmistakably clear in the past few minutes. Friends do not do whatever was going on right here, but you were okay with that. Harry’s nose matched up with yours again in this shifted position, his eyes trained on yours.

You parted your lips, wanted to say something to break the tension, but the movement caused Harry’s gaze to flicker down to your pink lips. They looked so sweet to him and you knew the look he gave you when he renewed eye contact. You fluttered your eyelids closed and one of Harry’s hands slipped up to brush at your cheek and tilt your head. Then, his lips fell onto yours.

They were soft, yet tasted a bit salty from stray tears around his mouth. You smiled, pressing back into his mouth eager to feel more warmth in your contact with him. He slipped his tongue into your open mouth, licking into you softly. Your body pressed down onto him and he shuddered from the movement. One hand traveled down to your hip to grip you in place as your kissing continued.

“Eager little girl, hmm?” Harry teasingly said, pulling away after the second time you practically rolled your hips over his during your makeout session.

You took one of your hands that was gripping the base of his neck and patted him lightly on the cheek, “Hey!” you giggled at his feigned look of shock.

You started to tell him to watch his mouth, but then the door opened, and Mitch’s figure appeared. He took in the sight in front of him. His childhood best friend straddling his new best friend on the ground of a glorified trash can of a room.

He shook his head and raised his brows at you both. “Lunch is over, neither of you were answering your phones. Should have known I would walk in on something like this.” Your jaw was dropped in disbelief. “I’ll leave you two to, um, finish up,” Mitch closed the door and walked away.

“We can talk about this later,” you said quickly and swung one leg from around Harry, fumbling to make yourself look more presentable and less like you had just had what was turning into a hot and heavy makeout session with the boss, technically. Then you ran after Mitch. He hadn’t gotten far, his long legs not meaning much when he didn’t really choose to utilize them.

“Mitch!” You grabbed his shoulder and he kind of shrugged you off.

He looked down at you, silent. Normally, you weren’t fazed by his silence, but right now you needed him to speak, you could tell walking in on you and Harry had been unpleasant for him even if what you had been doing wasn’t x-rated.

“Wait up, c’mon, talk to me, please,” you begged him.

He sighed and leaned against the hallway’s wall. His body slumped there and he crossed his arms over his chest. “Y/N, what the hell are you doing? I said ‘think about joining his band, not his harem.’”

“Ok, he doesn’t-” you started, but Mitch continued, cutting you off. “Like, I don’t get how you think it’s a good idea to be sleeping with Harry.” His voice was hushed, but his tone was angry. It was like he was whisper-shouting at you.

“Mitch, first of all, I am not sleeping with Harry. That was the first time, anything like that had ever happened between us. Second, I told him to wait so I could talk to you first about it, so if you’re really uncomfortable with it, I won’t kiss him again.”

It had only been a week since Mitch had started dating Sarah and loving him for your entire life wasn’t going to go away in seven days, even if it felt good to kiss Harry, you wouldn’t do anything that might hurt Mitch.

And Mitch knew that, and he also knew he couldn’t be with Sarah and tell you not to be with someone you were interested in. Harry and you could be a good thing for you, but if all it was was a coping mechanism for you to get over Mitch that wouldn’t be fair to Harry, who was also Mitch’s friend. He just wished he’d never opened that door now. Ignored it and kept walking, let someone else find you and Harry.

“You don’t need my permission,” Mitch responded.

“What?”

“Saying you wouldn’t be with him based on my opinion means you would change how you feel just because of me. You shouldn’t base your choices off of someone else.”

“I just meant, because you're my best friend and you're close with Harry, I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable with either of us.”

“Y/N, if you want my blessing, you’ve got it. Just make sure both of you are there for the right reasons.”

You smiled at Mitch, who still looked off put by the entire situation. You reached out to him and he pushed off the wall to meet your hug halfway. His substantial body enveloped you like a dark cocoon, Mitch had dressed head to toe in black today.

This was new territory for both of you, finding yourself people who might just be perfect for you. It was daunting, but you were excited.

—

Thanks again!! Part 3 is up!

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x reader #harry styles fluff #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles angst #harry styles imagine #i am not going to join your band #mitch do be lowkey angry at the end #but his vibe is so chill you can barely tell #also he got to speak!!#yay #mitch x reader #mitch rowland x reader

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lazychickensoup · 3 years

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𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑠

𝑆𝑢𝑔𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑎 𝐾. 𝑋 𝐺𝑁! 𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟

𝐴/𝑛: 𝑜𝑘𝑎𝑦 𝑠𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑎 𝑟𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑙𝑜𝑙. 𝐼𝑣𝑒 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑑𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑙𝑦 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑚𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑥𝑖𝑒𝑡𝑦. 𝑆𝑜 𝑖 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑡𝑒 𝑎𝑏𝑡 𝑖𝑡. 𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑎 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑔𝑜𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑚𝑦 𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑝𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑐 𝑎𝑡𝑡𝑎𝑐𝑘𝑠 ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑛. 𝐵𝑒𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑒𝑜𝑝𝑙𝑒 𝑎𝑡𝑡𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝑚𝑒 𝑖 𝑎𝑚 𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑔𝑛𝑜𝑠𝑒𝑑- 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑒𝑛𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑒. 𝐸𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡. 𝐸𝑛𝑗𝑜𝑦~

𝑊𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠: 𝑙𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑢𝑎𝑔𝑒, 𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑠𝑡(?)

Clicking away at the keyboard on my laptop, I sat with heavy eyelids and my third cup of coffee. My deadline was tomorrow for my presentation for a book I was writing and its details and aspects. I had been so focused on my work I didn’t hear my boyfriend come in till I felt a pair of arms lazily sling around my neck. I jumped at the sudden touch and kept typing. There were so many things going on in my life right now that I had been distant the last few weeks, but to be honest I just hadn’t felt like applying any effort into our relationship. My anxiety had gotten the best of me keeping me isolated, neglecting everything. I hadn’t even started on this presentation till about 4 days ago. No motivation, isolation, being tired all the time. I hope I’m not slipping into old habits.

“Y/n come to lay with me for a while, please. You have been glued to that laptop for the past 3 weeks. I miss you.” the silver-haired male spoke into my neck planting small kisses on my flesh. I turn to him to give him a proper greeting. He takes this opportunity to pick me up and bring me to the couch.

“Suga, I can’t my deadline is tomorrow and I’m only halfway done.” He places me down gently but I just stand back up and walk to my desk. I agitated sigh escapes from him. I feel bad for not spending any time with him, but this is a huge opportunity. I’m so close to working on my first official book. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been procrastinating so long.’

“Only halfway done? What have you been doing for the past 3 weeks then? Just staring at the screen? We haven’t seen each other in forever. We are always going to bed at separate times, we haven’t had a date in weeks, hell most of the time I have to come home and just watch tv trying to drown out the sounds of the keyboard clicks Y/n.” He sounded harsher now. ‘God please don’t argue right now. I don’t mean to. I’m sorry Suga, please.’ this is all I could think right now. Sadly, I have trouble saying what I think. I don’t want to hurt him. Maybe he deserves better.

“I’m sorry Suga. I’m almost done, please. Just a couple more hours and I’m all yours. I swear I’m trying to get it finished I miss you too.” I try walking back over to him but he backs away. I stop in my tracks. ‘Fuck. I fucked this up again. Why can’t you just take a couple of minutes off? No this has to be done. But does it?’

“No, Y/n I get this is a big deal for you and I am always going to support it 100% but it sounds like you haven’t done shit. What have you been doing?” he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

“I don’t know. I’ve just had trouble thinking of stuff to write. Just some writer’s block that’s all. I’m sorry.” I talk small pushing on the beds of my fingers a habit I do when I’m anxious or worried.

“Well finish your work. I’m going to bed. I’m not waiting for you tonight.” with that he leaves the room, no “goodnight babe’ or anything. ‘Dammit, you did this again. Finish your work. You deserve this.’ I exhale tears forming in my eyes making it hard to see what I’m typing on the screen. I let out silent sniffles for the next two hours deleting and retyping the same things over and over again. ‘Why can’t you just tell him what’s wrong? Maybe, he would understand then. He was the one who helped you through this before. Yeah...but what if he gets tired of doing this, then he’ll leave like everyone else did. Don’t dump this on him. Deal with it yourself. You are fine. You are just lazy. Work.’ sobs escape me now, my hands trembling unable to place another word on the digital page. I walk over to the couch and bring my knees up to my chest silently crying to not wake up Suga. My breathing becomes fast and ragged. ‘Shit I can’t breathe. A panic attack right now? God, I’m so weak.’ I do my best to keep quiet and fight this off, but my efforts fail. I hear the creak of the hardwood floor and footsteps become closer. ‘Shit, don’t let him see you like this. Don’t project this on him.’ I wipe my tear quickly and dash back to my seat just in time for him to come into the room.

“Y/n? I heard you crying. Are you okay?” his voice was still low from sleeping. It sent chills down my spine.

“Uh- Yeah just my story is a little sad is all. Sorry for waking you.” my voice breaks and my breathing is still unsteady but I am able to hide it. Obviously, that’s not enough to convince him so he sits on the floor next to my chair and leans over onto my lap.

“I know that’s, not the truth you were telling me the other day how your story was about some fantasy feminist fighter. I doubt there is anything thing in there that is making you cry that hard that I can hear you from the bedroom.” he turns my chair so that I face him but I dont turn my head. He tilts his head at me reaching for my face. “Hey, love. Is something wrong? I’m sorry for getting so upset earlier I just miss you. I shouldn’t have-”

“No.” I interrupt.

“No?”

“You shouldn’t be the one apologizing. I’m the one who has been so distant. I’m sorry. You can go back to bed I’ll be there in a bit.” I say the best I can to make a clear sentence. Holding my breath to keep him from noticing my panic attack that has only gotten worse. ‘Please leave. Don’t see me like this.’ He wipes the fresh tears that roll down my cheeks. I left out a staggered breath and that’s when it clicked in him.

“Y/n I’m not leaving till you tell me what’s going on. You are obviously not fine. Come on let’s sit on the couch.” He takes my hand and I don’t fight back. We sit down side by side, I keep my eyes on the floor and my fist bunched up to where my nails dug into my skin. His hand travels up and down my back slowly to help calm me. “You don’t have to talk right now. Just breathe. I’m right here okay?” his other hand takes one of mine. The removal of my nails stung my skin but I try to ignore it. I do the breathing exercises I was taught. After a while, I got my breathing back to normal and was able to relax. I lay on Suga’s chest staring up at the ceiling and staying quiet. “Okay, we got your breathing under control. Now tell me what’s going on,” he spoke quietly into my hair planting kisses on my head while holding my hand and squeezing them slightly. I let out a shaky sigh. ‘He wants to know. He wants to help. Just tell him. It’ll scare him away.’

“I don’t know what’s wrong...I’m just tired?” I curled up to him more laying on my side now. I could hear his heartbeat. It was claiming, those four coffees were beginning to wear off.

“Just tired huh. Y/n you know you can talk to me. You’re not gonna push me away. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” I laugh at his response. “Is it like before? When we first got together?” my smile faded and I nod slowly against his chest. “Baby, you’re overworking yourself and overthinking stuff. I promise you will feel better if you just let it out. Here I even pinky promise that I’m not going to be upset or be scared away by your vent okay?” he holds out his pinky waiting for mine to interlock with it. It was a childish thing that we did when we meant something serious, It always makes me feel better because I know he means what he is saying. I wrap my pinky around him and he moves his fingers to intertwine with the rest of mine.

“Okay, so the last couple of weeks I’ve just had no motivation to do anything. I know that I’ve also been neglecting things like us. I just...I don’t want to dump everything on you. This book is such a big opportunity and it’s stressing me out but I need to get it done. Now, I’m even more stressed because I couldn’t think of anything till a couple of days ago. I’m also scared. Scared that if I rant to you like this you’ll leave. I don’t want to annoy you with my problems when I know that you also get stresses from volleyball and work. So I’ve just been trying to deal with it myself.” I cry into his chest staining his shirt with my tears, my stomach turns uncomfortably when I get no response after a while. I look up at him to meet his smile. I give him a confused look but he just moves the stray hair out of my face and kisses me.

“See don’t you feel better?” he finally says after an unbearable amount of time. “Even though it’s silly to think that Y/n. I told you it’s not that easy to get rid of me. Especially, when I’m so in love as I am with you, and like before we are gonna get through this. You never have to keep all that bottled up with me. You’re not neglecting my feelings by just telling me yours. We are in a relationship we have to communicate. I know your anxiety can get the best of you sometimes but I’m always gonna be here for you when it does. I love you Y/n. Don’t forget.” he pulls me closer I wrap my arms around him holding him tight.

“What did I do to deserve you,” I whisper to where he couldn’t hear. “I love you too Suga. Thank you. I’ll finish the presentation tomorrow. Can we go to bed?” I sit upon him, he holds on to my thighs and laughs.

“Considering it’s 4 in the morning I think that’s a great idea.” I get off him and he groans at not being able to touch me.

Once we were in bed he held me close to him and snuggled his face into my neck.

“Goodnight, Love.”

“Goodnight Suga.”

#haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu #haikyuu drabbles #haikyuu angst #sugawara #sugawara koushi #sugawara x y/n #suga fic #suga fluff #sugawara x reader

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theroguequeenaniki · 3 years

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Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol)

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it.

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones: wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse.

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure.

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

#questions #throwback #is this a get to know me #idk

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xbaebsae · 4 years

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Changes and Deleted Content Part 2 - Far Cry 5: Features and Missions

This is a small passion project series of posts where I share some insight of what’s hidden in the game(s) files, but also some general observations. The main focus will be on character changes or deletions with a few words about functions and deprecated missions.

What will not be touched upon are a lot of the things the Resistance Mod on PC restores, namely deleted store weapons and clothes, weather systems and general gameplay related things like skinning animations. I also won’t go into audio files and their content, as @lulu2992 is already working on an amazing series for FC5 that summarizes them per character.

This part will be significantly shorter Edit from post finishing-Angy: This post turned out really damn long despite only discussing some scrapped or changed features and a couple of deprecated mission strings. I still hope you find this as interesting to read as I found writing and investigating it :)

1. Changed and Scrapped Features

1.1 Guns/Fangs for Hire

Just for reference, the release version of the game has 9 unique GFH/FFH available + 3 slots for random specialists you can hire throughout the world.

Among the game’s UI textures for tutorials is this image, showing an earlier version of the GFH screen.

What this indicates is that the planned amount for active GFHs you can have was originally 4; or the top row could function as some sort of favorites tab. We will probably never know for certain.

Interestingly though, this version has slots for 20 GFHs in total, 18 either filled a character icon or a locked symbol, suggesting the originally planned unique GFH count was 18.

Considering almost every NPC in-game has spawn-able archetypes with battle audio fully in place it is possible that we were supposed to be able to recruit more of them. I will return to the matter of recruitment shortly.

Another thing I’d like to open up for consideration is that there may have been plans for (ex-)cultist GFHs or at least areas where they act friendly towards the deputy. Reason for this assumption is the fact that cultists have recorded lines for when you meet them (spawn them), aim weapons at them (the taunts GFH and friendlies do too), along with idle lines when you use mods to spawn them as friendly followers. The game has no purpose for most of these lines, as you never walk into peaceful cultists outside of the intro. In the intro you have no weapons to aim at anyone, making it impossible to trigger these lines.

You may argue they were recorded for the arcade, but the Seeds are also featured in it and have none of those. However, they may also be a leftover from scrapped missions that would feature cultists that don’t shoot you on sight.

Additionally to that early menu screenshot, I have also found an old reddit thread discussing the game’s Uplay page near release because of the following image:

Unfortunately I was not able to find this particular page myself anymore, and knowing how short lived everything is nowadays, it might be lost in time forever. The commenters discuss that the three additional slots here refer to potential DLC characters, but we don’t get to use any of the DLC companions in the main game (nor do the DLCs share the main game’s art direction). So, this might be another indicator for additionally planned GFH/FFH we never got to see.

One of these was likely the Eagle FFH called ‘’Freedom’’ (Character/Unique/FFH_Eagle_Freedom), which was partially restored through mods on PC as its loaders and everything are still present. It is unknown why this was scrapped.

It also appears that there once were inventory (purchaseable?) items for almost each GFH (Boomer and Jess have none), as these placeholder icons exist inside the game’s ui\icons\inventory folder:

Possible functions: Quest items you needed to obtain to recruit them (implying changed missions); Gift items (for potential level up?)

Now to return to the matter of recruitment: Deprecated mission strings suggest that originally you had to hire unique GFHs similarly to random ones; and that was part of quest lines. These lines appear in ‘oasisstrings’, the game’s main language file(s):

HIRE Jess RECRUIT Adelaide Drubman ADD Adelaide to your squad

In light of the old GFH screen I actually looked up the definition of ‘Squad’, and on wikipedia it is listed that a Squad is a team of 5+ members, further strengthening the theory that originally you could have 4 active GFH (plus the Deputy they’d be 5, therefore a squad).

1.2 In-game Wiki menu

Some of the previous Far Cry titles have a sort of wiki menu that features short bios of characters, explanations of locations, resources and weaponry. New Dawn sort of brought part of this back with the ‘Survival Guide’ (accessible from the pause menu), but 5 does not have this at all. However, in the ui files there are still texture leftovers, implying this feature was planned and it had sections for Animals, Base Jumps, Characters, Destructible Structures, Fish, Locations, Parking Spots (Garages), Plants and Treasure Hunts. The following image shows the ‘undiscovered’ symbols arranged in that order.

Again, no text entries along with a lot of duplicate and unfinished images imply this was scrapped early.

You can view the additional images (minus characters, because they will be handled in the next posts) here.

2. Abandoned Missions

This section will focus on mission strings that still exist in ‘oasisstrings’. For the sake of readability I removed the style code the game uses and the line numbers. You can easily find them by searching part of the text in the files or website listed in References. Please keep in mind that only the mission titles themselves are 100% like that in the files, any assumption as to what they might have been used for is purely speculative, but I attempt to always provide a reasonable explanation with evidence for the theories presented. Also I am not perfect, so it is possible I missed something in-game. In that case please do correct me!

2.1. Investigation Type objectives

There is a set of objectives listed that imply a different setup for Willis Huntley’s mission. It introduces the objectives PHOTOGRAPH, TAG, LISTEN and INTERROGATE:

PHOTOGRAPH potential property PHOTOGRAPH an animal slaughter TAG the target PHOTOGRAPH the target LISTEN to the conversation INTERROGATE the target PHOTOGRAPH cult signs and rituals: BRING the photos back to Willis

The release build mission has you tail someone and steal a VHS tape. None of the above objectives appear. It’s interesting to see that at one point there were mechanics in consideration that included intel gathering.

2.2. Quest centered around Melvin

The only Melvin I could find in relation to Far Cry 5 is Nadine Abercrombie’s grandfather. Melvin Abercrombie joined the cult. It isn’t assured that these objectives refer to him, but if they do it’d mean a potential mission where you speak to a lower ranked cultist.

Please Note that mission strings are not always in correct order.

TALK to Melvin LOOT Melvin's corpse REACH Melvin's house WAIT for Melvin to arrive GO MEET Melvin

2.3. The ‘Redeemer’ Objectives

At some point there was a quest-line revolving around something called the ‘Redeemer’ in Holland Valley. I could not find out what this thing really was supposed to be, but it sounds like it was either a boat or a submarine (???). In this line it appears that the garage in Fall’s End had actual relevance.

FIND a similar engine BRING engine to Mary's garage TALK to Mary's assistant TOW Redeemer Back the Garage (this typo is also in the file) SUBMERGE the Redeemer FLIP the Redeemer upside down GET IN the Tow Truck PUT the Redeemer on the Flat Bed

What this also implies is the inclusion of tow trucks and that there was a ‘Mary’s assistant’ character.

2.4. A few seperate Entries before we focus on plot relevant ones

In light of the afore mentioned wiki menues there is also an objective type that goes very well with its character section:

DISCOVER this character.

This could be attached to unknown entries in the character list.

There also is an unused objective called:

FIND the cow in the field

Which at first glance made me believe it was related to the mission at Cattle co., but it is not used there or anywhere else. I suppose we will never find out what was so special about this mysterious cow.

TAKE Joseph's writings

is also an interesting entry, as it is not related to the mission where you burn his book. This is again an unused string with unknown original purpose.

2.5. Mary May and John Seed

There are two particularly interesting unused mission objectives in relation to these two characters.

For one, it looks like originally we were supposed to rescue Mary May from John’s ranch:

RESCUE Mary May From John Seed's Ranch

This could either be a replacement for saving her in Fall’s End or it is a mission that appeared later on in which John possibly captured her. It gets more possible applications with the next one, though.

FIND John and Mary May's secrets

Now, this one caught my attention immediately, because there are two big things that come to mind in terms of possible application. It could refer back to the novel Absolution in which Mary May gets captured and tattooed by John, heavily implying that part of the plot that made it to the novel was originally intended to be shown in the game (we will get back to this in the character episode when talking about Holly).

Additionally, keeping the previous objective in mind, it could also imply that Mary has been converted during her capture (or her capture was planned) and played a different role in the story overall. Of course, all of this is only speculation as we will probably never know, but the objective specifically says ‘John AND Mary May’s secrets’, refering to shared secrets, not just one of Mary herself (which would fit more into the tattoo theory).

If you have ever even considered the possibility that Ubisoft might have cut a lot of stuff from the Whitetail region of the game, the rest of this Mission section should finally prove this to you. I’d like to make clear here that this is unbiased. I have tried to dig up deleted content equally in all regions but it just turns out that this is the one they really went wild with. There is nothing that stands out in terms of deleted or changed missions in the Henbane area and the Holland Valley content is mostly not that plot relevant minus the last examples just mentioned.

2.6. Eli and the Wolf’s Den

In the final version of the game we are told that Eli is an important character, but he is not very active in any way. Where Mary May assists you on the way to John’s Ranch and Tracey and the others at the prison fight by your side in defense missions, Eli will stay at the Wolf’s Den and have you run his errands for him. Just like the other mentioned characters he has full fight capabilities though. His AI is capable of using that bow, despite him never leaving the bunker.

As it turns out, he used to be a far more active character and there were multiple ways you could encounter him for the first time. For reference: In the game as it is now you will only meet him when he and his people rescue the deputy after Jacob’s first trial. You cannot enter the Wolf’s Den prior to this point.

Inside the game’s animations folders are these three subfolders including the respective files (JJ and Key03 is how Eli is often referred to in the files, I will get back to this in the character post):

This means there were three ways that you would encounter Eli: Inside a cabin, through being captured in a net or by being released by Perkins. This was most likely Doc Perkins, giving her a bit more significance in the game.

The main cutscene files for these are not present anymore, only the animations remain so I could not find out where the exact locations for these were supposed to be at. I however, loaded these animations into a game cutscene so we get to look at them anyway. I have chosen Jacob’s death cutscene for the simple reason that there’s only the player + 1 NPC, it is daytime and there’s no intrusive DOF blurring everything. The video below shows all of them.

Keep in mind that only the player animation matters in the first two! Ignore the rest. The third one features Doc Perkins and has her animation applied to her. As you can see it is very very unfinished, but it shows that she possibly unties the deputy or opens an animal cage, then drives away in a car.

youtube

This unused mission string supports the theory of these different ways further, as it implies that you met him somewhere and he would guide you to the den:

FOLLOW Eli into the Wolf's Den

There are several other objectives that suggest a more active Eli, who might have accompanied you on some missions:

WAIT for Eli to arrive GO with Eli GO inside the Wolf's Den

2.7. Jacob and the Veteran Center

Before swan diving down a very deep rabbit hole, let’s address this unused mission string first:

TALK to Deputy Pratt

Sounds very unspectacular and like something you would do at some point, but this is never an objective in the game. The intended function will forever remain unknown most likely, but possibilities are vast, especially with the upcoming abandoned objectives.

There are hints at an alternate useage of Jacob’s bunker (specifically called bunker here and not armory). Mission strings are:

FIND a way out of Jacob's Bunker LEAVE Jacob's Bunker

Again, on first sight you’d think these are just what’s there in-game. But they aren’t. During the final mission it goes from RESCUE Deputy Pratt straight to ESCAPE Jacob’s Armory. There is no indicator that you’d need to find a way out. The objectives above hint that it was similar to John’s and Faith’s bunker initially, where you had to do a few more things before escaping.

An observation derived from the game’s subtitle file is that at one point there might have been a differentiation between ‘Armory’ and ‘Bunker’ as, most likely, a random NPC says "I don't know where Jacob's bunker is. I'm not sure anybody does, but it's out there somewhere." The armory is (other than John’s and Faith’s bunkers) directly next to a main road, next to McKinley Dam. It is quite impossible to miss. Therefore this statement, along with the inconsistent switch between calling it ‘armory’, ‘bunker’ or ‘gate’, could mean there was originally a different bunker and the armory really functioned as such.

Before moving on to more mission strings, there is one more subtitle entry worth mentioning: "When you tried to arrest Joseph, Jacob got wind of it and things got real crazy here in the Whitetail Mountains." It heavily implies that at some point, Joseph’s family might not have been intended to be present during the opening, and they instead found out about the arrest afterwards. As far fetched as it sounds at first, it does check out with the inactivity and absence of the three heralds after you cuff Joseph (and in case you ever wondered what the three of them are doing while you guide Joseph outside, they de-spawn and are gone as soon as you turn around).

But enough about that and let’s get back to more missions we never got to see.

For instance there is:

GO TO the Veteran's Center

Which, as most of you know, is impossible during the game because you get repositioned everytime you attempt to go close. This string implies a different kind of mission at some point.

HUNT Jacob

No, this also does not appear in the game. The final mission goes from DESTROY Wolf Beacons to KILL Jacob Seed. Possibility in combination with the previous entry is that you were supposed to follow him back to the Veteran Center and that’s where the final fight would be. It could also imply a different kind of trial.

Small observation because we are talking about the final fight: The Prima Games’ guide (based on a pre-release build of the game, it will be featured more prominently in the next post) depicts Jacob at the bottom of the mountain during this encounter. WIth a lot of perseverance I’m sure you can somehow manage to replicate this in-game. But it is interesting regardless that they chose this image. It might imply that at some point he was not positioned on top of the hill, and instead closer to the area he finally dies in.

Before we move on, here are a few other interesting unused strings:

TRAIN TRAIN yourself INTERACT with Jacob for finishing takedown TALK to Jacob

They imply a different way to end the fight along with the possibility to talk to Jacob at some point (unrelated to each other mind you). I have no clue in what kind of scenario you were supposed to talk to him. The only explanation I have is that trials were possibly supposed to be different at some point and maybe they had more intentions to explore the whole brainwashed aspect of it to the point you casually took strolls around St Francis. Now before you say I just made that up, I implore you to wait till after the next part to call me out on it, because there are reasons I offer that possibility up for discussion here.

TRAIN and TRAIN yourself might not be linked to this region at all. But it is interesting to have these sort of objectives as they form the ‘Train, Hunt, Kill, Sacrifice’ part of the region’s theme, when you refer back to other mission strings: TRAIN (yourself), HUNT Jacob, KILL Jacob Seed.

Now to get to the main part. If you ever used mods on PC that let you access the Veteran Center, you will have noticed that the AI acts very strange. Your assigned GFH might wander around, aim at nothing or even attack civillians. Cultists inside the area will not always attack you, while civillians will do. This is most likely why the developers were so quick to patch out the tricks to access the region without mods.

I have seen multiple speculations circling around, but the one that always struck me as the most plausible one is that there was some kind of mission after Pratt rescues you from the cage. It is a very discontinuous cutscene, in which you transition from the cage directly to the top floor of the Veteran Center, implying there were no problems for Pratt and the Deputy to get there, despite having to cross the entire guarded frontyard and going through multiple building floors to get to the office. So, naturally I wasted some time of my life trying to dig up stuff that proves this theory right and I...well I did find something.

Important note so you understand what’s going on here: It is very common in games to load objects underneath the map (outside of sight of the player) to assure they are properly loaded in when they are needed. I have seen posts circulating around which depicted Pratt underneath the building, suggesting they eventually had an area planned there. The more likely case is that Pratt was loaded there for later use in a cutscene.

Why am I saying that? Well, this following screenshot was taken underneath the map during the cutscene where Pratt rescues the deputy and it transitions to the top of the building. I have changed the time to daytime for a bit better visibility.

What you see here is an entirely unused set of either cutscene or gameplay elements. A truck, Jacob (who’s absent in the cutscene we see), Pratt, a random NPC, a bag, a small table (unseen in cutscene), a single door (unseen in cutscene), a double door and 3 small pieces of paper (only two are in cutscene). I have kept watch on these assets for the entirety of the cutscene and none of them were moved into place. Meaning that all of these were here to be used in either a different cutscene or even a gameplay segment.

It brings me back to the mission theory, where there was a potential stealth segment between leaving the cage and entering the office. Maybe there was an alternate cutscene for the case where you’d be caught and the one we see in the game is the one after successfully sneaking up there? We will never know for certain again but it is one possible explanation as to why these assets even still exist. It would also check out with the TALK to Deputy Pratt mission string, as you maybe had to speak to him after reaching a certain area.

Here are also some additional screenshots of the room in front of the office:

It was modelled and filled with a few detail props we never get to see much of.

Another potential mission, which would explain the broken AI behavior better, is the already mentioned theory that they might have planned to do more with the whole brainwashing aspect. Cultists inside the Vet Center area do not shoot and are allied, while civillians act hostile, implying while the player is there they are considered to be allied to cultists. TALK to Deputy Pratt, TALK to Jacob or TRAIN (yourself) could have taken place during this also. Something that could support this theory is also this unused timelapse marking days passing:

youtube

3. The Game’s Title and Closing Words

Internally the game is often called ‘fc zeta’, ‘zeta’ or ‘fcz’. So *sigh* of course I tried to find a deeper meaning behind it all and came to the sixth letter of the Greek alphabet ‘Zeta’. If you count Far Cry: Primal as a real standalone title, Far Cry 5 is the sixth Far Cry release. But because the Greek were special snowflakes or something, the sixth letter actually has the value of 7. So Zeta is actually 7 despite being the sixth. If you count Blood Dragon as a Far Cry release it’d mean FC5 is the 7th release. However, these theories exclude all the expansions and stuff for earlier Far Cry games.

Another indicator that Zeta might have been more than just a number, is this texture used as a decal on some clothing materials:

I have not found someone in-game who has this anywhere, and they might just disable the transparency and use it only for the American flag. But still, why would they make such a decal texture in the first place? Maybe very early name of the cult or resistance group?

Before closing this incredibly long essay, here is an old, unused version of the logo found in the files :)

Phew, we finally reached the end. If you made it all the way down here: CONGRATULATIONS you just read a long af essay! Again, i’d like to remind you that a lot of what you’ve read is pure speculation. I tried to prove my arguments as best as I could with evidence that I provided but only Ubisoft knows what really happened. And they are unlikely to tell us.

The next post will focus on the expansive character list and I may split it into parts because there is a lot to say and show about some characters.

I hope you have a nice day and thank you for reading ♥

_______________________________________________________

References:

text.farcry.info (website where you can look through Oasisstrings yourself!) languages\english\oasisstrings.oasis.bin languages\english\oasisstrings_subtitles.oasis.bin animations\narrative\cin_key03_q01_b00_meet_jj_cabin animations\narrative\cin_key03_q01_b00_meet_jj_net animations\narrative\cin_key03_q01_b00_meet_jj_release domino\user\fcz_proto_ld domino\user\zeta_dlcm ui\resources\textures\04_menu\tooltips ui\resources\textures\06_icons\inventory ui\resources\textures\05_hud\tutorials\_images __Unknown\XBT\AE800D066AB2E84A.xbt __Unknown\XBT\FD080AA2BBABE691.xbt Zeta on Wikipedia (english) Squad on Wikipedia (english) Prima Games guide (2018, collector’s edition, print and digital) reddit.com/r/farcry/comments/89nsf1/so_theres_3_missing_guns_for_hire_here_maybe_3/ __Unknown\BIK\C6AB10EDBC81E933.bik

#far cry 5 #gameinfo #obligatory longessay tag #if you ever wondered how much of a nerd i am #look at these essays #and know that i enjoyed writing and capturing footage of every second of this

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imaginationintowords · 4 years

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Lost on You

Chapter 3

Peter Parker x Sister!Reader Steve Rogers x Reader Avengers x Reader; Hybrid Social Media AU

Summary: Y/N Parker is Peter’s older sister. She is ten years older than Peter, making her 26 years-old. She is also an Avenger, her powers are very similar to Wanda’s; telekinesis, mind reading, teleportation, and elemental bending. She has been an Avenger far longer than Peter, and like Peter her identity is kept a secret. As well as being an Avenger she works in the lab alongside Tony, she is a science genius. She has also been dating Steve Rogers for the past 3 years. Their relationship is as great as it can possibly be, that is until Steve does something that has Y/n questioning not only their entire relationship, but her place in the Avengers. It opens her eyes to how much of her life has revolved around Steve and work. Never really experiencing life like everyone else her age has.

[author’s note: If I didn’t tag you please remind me to tag you. If you wish to be removed just let me know. Also when you see a page break image on full screen on mobile, exit out of the image, because that means there is text that follows. And if you scroll past it you might see spoiler images. This is a hybrid series, so some posts might be like that, the text in between the images. So please be careful]

Series Masterlist

My phone has been blowing up for the past two hours. I just can’t bring myself to answer any of the calls and messages coming through.

“Y/n,” Aunt May softly says, bring me out of my trance, “Sweetie you’re going to have to respond to one of them before they show up here.”

The last thing I needed was for Steve to show up.

“I know,” I say, my voice coming off a little hoarse from all the crying.

The drive to the compound was silent. I was trying my hardest to remain calm and get my emotions in control.

I need to get in, deal with Steve, get some of my things, then leave. And I need to do all of this as quick as possible.

“Okay, we’re here,” Aunt May said, parking the car in front of the entrance.

“Thanks,” I say taking one final breath.

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?” She asked, reaching out for my hand over the middle console.

“I’m sure,” I tell her, “I’ll call you if I need your help.”

“Okay. I’ll be waiting right here,” she says, “Love you.”

“Love you too,” I force a smile.

I exit out of the car and make my way up to our living quarters.

In the elevator my mind was racing. My emotions were all over the place. I was utterly heartbroken, but right now I’m feeling nothing but anger, and betrayal.

I know that at the end of all of this, I will be okay. I’ll just need some time to get there.

And at that final thought, the elevator door opened and there waiting to greet me is everyone. Steve at the forefront of it all. I noticed Tony lingering in the background, putting his phone away. No doubt Aunt May asking him to be on standby.

“Thank god you’re okay,” Steve said rushing over to me, but stopping when I put my hand up.

“Y/n?” Wanda called out, taking notice on my appearance.

I just continued to stare Steve down. Taking in his appearance.

How could this man, standing in front of me do something so horrible to me. How could this man who proclaimed his love for me everyday do this to me. How could this man that was nothing but good, do this. How could this man that made me feel so incredibly loved do this. How could this man that I swore I was going to spend the rest of my life with, just give it all up. How could this man be so selfish.

“Y/n,” Steve whispered, reaching his hand out for mine. I pulled my hand away before he could.

I looked over to the left, where Natasha was, immediately making eye contact with her. How could she do this to me? She shift uncomfortable under my stare. I look back to Steve, then once more back to Nat, and finally back to him.

His face immediately fell.

He knows now.

“Y/n,” he whispers, trying to keep the conversation between us.

“I am so sorry,” he shakily says, his eyes starting to well up with tears.

“How could you?” I ask, my voice breaking.

“How could you both?” I ask again, looking over at Nat, who was also on the verge of crying.

Everyone around the room was looking around, confused about what was going on. I noticed Tony immediately catching on to what was happening, and I can tell he’s trying to restrain himself.

“How could you just hurt me like that?” I turn back to Steve.

“It was a mistake,” he said, his bottom lip quivering, “I swear to you, it only happened that one time. And it will never happen again.”

“I should’ve told you,” he cried, “But I was so afraid of losing you.”

“So instead you guys tried to cover it,” I tell him, the anger slowly creeping back in, “and didn’t think that I would find out. As if I don’t have access to everything in this compound.”

“We didn’t want to hurt you,” Nat spoke up.

“You didn’t want to hurt me?” I scoffed, “Should’ve thought about that before having sex with my boyfriend.”

“Should’ve thought about that before you tried to delete the footage,” I tell her, “The footage that not only did I see, but my brother and Aunt happened to see as well.”

“Y/n, can we please talk about this in private?” Steve begged, his face covered in tears.

“No, we can’t,” I tell him, “because there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind. Nothing. Because what you two did, I’ve never felt so betrayed before.”

“I loved you Steve,” I softly cried out, “I never thought in a million years you would do this to me. But you did. So now we both have to pay the price for your actions.

“I’m so utterly heartbroken right now, but I know eventually I will be fine. And that we’ll be fine. But we will never be what we once were.”

The room was silent, aside from the sniffles coming from Nat, Steve, and I. No one knew what to say or do, they all just waited for one of us to make the final move.

“So,” I say trying to collect myself, “I’m going to be taking some time off, and when I come back I’ll be in a different room. We still have to work together, and lucky for you two I know how to be professional.”

“Y/n-,” Steve says.

“No, Steve,” I stop him, “there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind. It’s already done. I’m going to go collect some of my things and be on my way.”

With that, I make my way across the room to the room that will never be mine again. Tony following closely behind me, and Wanda behind him.

As we walked into the room, I quickly made my way to the closet.

“Y/n?” Tony called from behind.

“Can you please grab my suitcases from under the bed, thanks,” I tell him, as I begin to grab clothes.

“Y/n?” Wanda called as well.

“Can you please grab my toiletry stuff from the bathroom. The bag for it should be under the sink,” I instruct her, as I continued to grab and fold clothes.

Tony and Wanda shared a look, before doing what was asked.

In about fifteen minutes we had four suitcases packed with enough shoes and clothes to last me the next two weeks.

“Thank-you.” I quietly thanked the both of them.

“Of course. Is there anything else you need?” Wanda asked, concerned laced throughout her face.

“Yeah, actually do you think you can make sure no one is out there when I leave?” I asked her, “I just don’t need an audience for this. I’ve had enough of that for the night.”

“Yes, of course. I’ll come back once it’s cleared,” She smiles weakly at me.

“You okay?” Tony asked hesitantly, afraid of saying the wrong thing that might have me fall apart.

“No,” I honestly answer, “but I just need to get out of here before I fall apart. Anymore than I already have.”

“I could just kill him. Both of them,” he said, his protective side coming out.

“Well, don’t,” I tell him, “not on my behalf at least. The world still needs them.”

“Well then I’m just going to be working them a lot harder,” he says, trying to make a joke. I try to force out a laugh.

Tony stops and looks at me. His face so full of concern. I know he means well, and he just wants me to be okay. Since joining the Avengers six years ago, he’s kind of taken on the surrogate father role, not just to me but to Peter as well.

“I’m so sorry kid,” his voice breaks. He pulls me into his arms for a hug, tightening his grip on me.

“I know,” I tell him, muffled into his suit jacket.

After a few moments in silence, we pulled apart, Tony placing a kiss on my forehead before letting go completely.

“It’s empty,” Wanda announced, walking back into the room.

“Thank-you,” I tell her, hugging her, while Tony collects two of the suitcases.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” she says into the hug.

I nod to her as we pull apart. I grabbed the other two suitcases and Tony and I made our way to my awaiting Aunt.

As we exit the building the rush of fresh air hit us, and my Aunt was rushing out of my car to open the trunk for the bags.

“Thank-you,” she whispered to Tony.

“Of course,” he tells her.

“Ready?” My aunt asked, as she closed the trunk after placing in the final bag.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I tell her as we make our way to the driver and passenger side of the car.

Tony holding the passenger side open for me.

“Thank-you,” I tell him, “For everything.”

“Anytime kid,” he says, “If you need anything, just call. Hell you can even put whatever you want on my credit card.”

“Now don’t tell me that,” I try to joke, getting into the car.

“Seriously,” he says becoming serious, “Whatever you want. Go be a dumb 26 year-old. Forget about the Avengers and the lab for the next two weeks.”

“I’ll try,” I tell him.

“Bye,” he said, closing the door.

I glanced in the side mirror, at the compound fading in the background. As soon as we were out the gates, I broke down. All of the emotions I was holding in came pouring out.

These next two weeks were going to be difficult.

Series tag list: @chaoticpete @eliza5616 @supraveng @faithtrustandrobbiekay @inquisitor-selvala @dumbbitch11 @im-not-an-armrest-im-short @jessyballet @reann-loves-sebstan @thelostallycat @castalette @lovely-geek @malfoyy123 @zombieninjadinostayssilent @welovecaptainamericaass

Permanent tag list[let me know if you want to be taken off]: @rosegolddivinity @definitelynotafangirl @1awesomeash @princess-evans-addict @geeksareunique @24kbratz

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acesdrew-backup · 3 years

Text

Writing Tag Game

thank you @acenancy for tagging me, i feel super special!

20 questions, writer’s edition.

How many works do you have on AO3?

What’s your total AO3 word count?

only 7,133. which isn't a lot but i'm looking to improve!

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

my page says 5 due to tags, but technically 3. Nancy Drew, IT (2017), and MCU (Falcon and Winter Soldier).

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

almost slipping through the palms of my sweaty hands, bucky/reader, mcu

this hope is treacherous, ace/nancy, nancy drew

we keep this love in a photograph, ace/nancy, nancy drew

never alone, ace/nancy, nancy drew

vermillion, richie/stan, IT

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I always try to. I have never found myself to be a good writer, so when someone comments I feel like I can actually write. Sure, there is always room for improvement, but the comments I get make this all worth it. I used to get comments on my old FF account telling me some not so nice things, so this is a nice change of pace.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Vermillion has the most awful, saddest ending. I was coping with a lot and I super projected. For my Nancy Drew fans, i tortured them and wrote a fic based off champagne problems for ace/nancy. a lot of people were sad. i don't know WHY i wrote it, when i love the couple, but it just came to me.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

this hope is treacherous has the happiest ending by far. if you want mushy happy, you rid me of the blues is the HAPPIEST.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Once, a long while ago, in a word document. We don't talk about it.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Like I said, my old FF account. It was bad and most people saw the opportunity to rip on the writing or to rip on me. But everyone on AO3 has been super nice so far.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I don't think I would know where to begin. I honestly and truly think I would start crying if I even typed it out and then would pray to anyone up there that my mom would never find it. But I am an active member of the reading of it.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

If I HAVE, then good LORD whoever stole must've been down bad.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Once! In a word document (:

What’s your all time favorite ship?

...I'm not going to say that it's Mayu/Morishige from CoPa or tbh even Duncan/Courtney from TDI (listen...that was my first fandom and I will fight EVERYONE.) But I can't really pick a favorite? I go back and forth. Make some pinterest boards. Currently I'm into Ace/Nancy, Jess/Nick (New Girl), and since I started Community, Annie/Jeff.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

It was deleted off the face of my AO3, but I had an angel!Stan au that I was writing for my old IT tumblr. It was my baby, but ultimately I wasn't in the headspace I was when I created that or the other fic I abandoned and then deleted. They were based off irl things that I projected and inserted into a fic, but things got better and that didn't make for good fic.

What are your writing strengths?

Most comments say I write very lyrically, which I'm assuming is that the writing flows well and sounds pretty.

What are your writing weaknesses?

ALL of my writing is so short. The longest I wrote was THIT and it took me 2 1/2 days to make it longer because I wanted it to work. I also repeat words a lot, which I read back and cringe.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Taking Mar's lead, with NOT WANTING TO BUTCHER ANOTHER LANGUAGE. But, if a character speaks another language, I'll try to slip maybe ONE WORD (especially if it's a romance fic and it's a term of endearment). But I've seen things go sideways like that and sometimes maybe terms of endearment are just better left in english OR unsaid. (The plethora of "doll", "sweetheart", "honey", etc in Bucky/reader fics takes a toll on a woman sometimes.)

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I wanna say it was Total Drama. If you count roleplay, where I set the scene very intensely, like almost five paragraphs long. I don't think I ever wrote fic, but I possibly did. My first FF writings were for Free! Iwatobi Swim Club and Corpse Party.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I can't choose. But honestly, I think the first Nace fic I wrote is my favorite right now. It was based off a tumblr text post and everyone thought it was great. It makes me happy and it spurred me into doing something I forgot I loved. It helped me find a small community of friends.

Tagging those who write, if you see it! So all of you who write, if you see this, DO IT! Only if you want to. No pressure.

#tagged: me #tag game #tagged in #writing tag

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out-of-jams · 4 years

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Rea’s Writing Tips

Okay, I’ve been writing for the past twelve years, and over the course of this time, I’ve learned a lot of things. I still am learning, because I don’t think there is a such thing as perfecting a skill. What have I learned, might you ask? Well, I’m going to compile some of them into a list for you! So buckle up and sharpen those metaphorical pencils!

#1) Show don’t tell.

This is a staple rule when it comes to writing and always, always stays at the back of my mind. When you’re writing descriptions or world building or even putting together a dialogue scene, you want the reader to be able to see it in their minds’ eye.

If you simply say, “I picked up the pencil. Then I wrote my paper, but I didn’t know I was doing. And then I got up and left.” That’s boring. And that’s Telling the reader what is happening. No one wants to read through a bulleted list of what your characters are up to. Keep in mind that you’re writing a story, not a kitchen recipe.

So instead, use descriptions and answer these questions: What is your character thinking when they’re doing these things? What are they writing? Why are they writing it? What else is going on around them? What does it smell like? Is it hot or cold? Can they hear the air conditioner running? Are there other people in the room, if so, what are they doing?

An example of Showing would be something along the lines of: “The pencil was heavy in my hand as I dragged it across the sheet of paper. Hopefully the teacher wouldn’t be be able to tell that I was completely bullshitting every word because I couldn’t afford to be docked another letter grade. Whatever. I’d just write what I could and hope for the best.”

Show what’s happening without being obvious about it.

Don’t bore your readers to death with a laundry list.

#2) There is absolutely no need to go crazy with caps lock and punctuation.

When writing dialogue, if your character is shouting something, don’t put it in all caps. For example:

“I said, DON’T TOUCH THAT!

This not only takes away from the seriousness of the scene, but it also doesn’t look very appealing to read, does it? Instead, try playing around with italics or adjectives/verbs/descriptions/show don’t tell. For example:

“I said, don’t touch that!”

“Don’t.” You spat through gritted teeth, fingernails digging half-moons into your palms. “Touch. That.”

Not only does this look more professional and appealing, but it helps the reader to visualize the scene a lot more than just going crazy with the caps lock. This also goes with overusing punctuation. One question mark, or one exclamation point is all you need to get your point across. There’s no need for more, the readers will understand without them, I promise.

The crazier you go, the crazier you’ll look!!!??!!!

#3) Writers block isn’t because you don’t know what to write next. It’s because you subconsciously don’t like where your story is going.

You’ve experienced writers block. I’ve experienced writers block. That old lady at the supermarket down the street has experienced writers block. It’s not the end of the world, but it does put a damper on things, doesn’t it? You could be on a roll and spawning out 1000 words per minute and then bam! you hit a block. Where do you go from there? How do you overcome it?

Simple. Delete a few paragraphs and then try again. Still not working? Delete more. And more. Until you find another route to take.

Remember, sometimes roads close, you just need to find the detour.

#4) The rule of “why.”

A simple word can help you to build a word, a story, a universe, a character. The rule of “why” is what keeps your metaphorical world turning and helps prevent plot-holes. Say you have a character who is a painter. Ask yourself, why are they a painter? Why do they paint the things that they do?

These questions will help you fall down the proverbial rabbit hole and into the subconscious of the character that you are creating. Okay, so they paint because their mother was a painter and she died. Why did she die? Why does the character feel the need to take up their mother’s torch?

This also goes for world building too. Oh, so your character has a soulmate in your universe? Why do they have a soulmate? Why does the world work that way? Does everyone have a soulmate? No, why not? Etc.

Always keep the question why? in the back of your mind and you’ll be able to answer the reader’s questions before they even think to have them.

#5) Pick a tense and stick to it as if your life depends on it.

Your story will either be in past tense, or present tense (excluding future because no. And the complicated past perfect, present perfect shit. We’re making it simple).

Reading a sentence that says: “I walk to the door to leave, but bend down to grab my purse. The strap slid down my shoulder as I closed the door behind me” is jarring. Why? Because it is set in both past and present tense. The first sentence is present tense, while the second is past tense. If you aren’t sure what tense a word is in, pop that bad boy into google and it’ll let you know.

You can’t have both at the same time. So pick one, you whore.

#6) Be the sponge.

It’s taken me twelve years to find my writing voice. Twelve, people. Some people may find it sooner, others later. Whatever side of the spectrum you’re on, don’t stress over it. I found my voice through reading. What about some author’s work did I like? What did I not like? It took some time, but I figured it out. And you’ll find yours too. So play around with different styles and figure out what you like.

And what you hate.

#7) Become the angst.

How the hell are you supposed to properly write emotions? How can you make a reader cry, laugh, fume with anger, hold their breath in fear? The answer is actually quite simple.

Insert yourself into that frame of mind first.

If you want to write a scene that is sad and you want people to be able to feel the emotion flying off the page, then become sad. Put yourself in the shoes of your character and write from the heart. If pretending to put a smile on your face in real life doesn’t fool your friends, then it won’t fool your readers either.

I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of times I’ve put myself into a certain frame of mind or emotion before writing a scene or a fic or whatever. Music helps to set the mood too. I mean, look at your favorite actors. One thing I’ve always been taught in acting classes is that you have to feel the emotions that your character does.

If you feel it, I can guarantee that the readers will too.

#8) Take a breath, damnit!

Have you ever read a sentence so long that you felt out of breath, even though it wasn’t even read aloud? Yeah, me too. Sometimes it’s hard to know when to end a sentence and start anew or whether or not to just throw in that comma and call it a day, well there is a very simple, easy way to be able to tell which one of these you need to do and you just need to follow this rule in order to do it.

You just took a deep breath after reading that sentence, didn’t you?

Comma ≠ an excuse to continue a run-on sentence. If you aren’t sure whether or not you’ve just written one of these, read it aloud. If you have to stop to breathe, then throw a period somewhere in there. Starting a new sentence won’t hurt you. But a run-on sentence will surely kill you from asphyxiation.

~~~~~~~

This is all I have for now. But if you guys have any questions or want advice for specific things, please feel free to reach out! To quote my least favorite movie of all time: we’re all in this together!💜

#writing #writing advice #writing tips

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the-shiftshop · 4 years

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Hey Diary - Part 3

PART 1 and PART 2 of the Hey Diary Series

I tried my best to not fall asleep, scared by what may happen if I do. The whole night, I couldn’t get my head off: 1.) The possibility that reality wont change and Keith and the others might come back to their right senses while remembering whatever they did to themselves, 2.) The possibility that nothing will happen and Keith will keep those feelings for me throughout the whole year in school, and 3.) The fact that Keith gave me a blowjob.

I’ve tossed around the bed all night, remembering how Keith looked at me while he suck me off, how he kissed me and how his tongue intertwined with mine, and no, although I may be getting hard, I’m still putting a blame to myself. This isn’t supposed to happen. I know this would be against what Keith wanted. Even though he had been bullying me since the first day, I still have my morals. I shouldn’t have messed with him, and who knows what Peter and Tom did? I do remember including them in the changes.

Anyway, I still need to go to school and find out. I quickly took a short shower to get rid of my smell, wore my shirt and a jacket, grabbed my bag then proceeded to school.

Arriving at the school, right before I enter our building, someone pulled me by the arm. It was a sudden pull and it was very strong so I was just lead to wherever.

It was Keith, obviously mad as he was gripping my wrist, hard. I grunted and tried to tell him to stop, but he was ignoring me and continued pulling me to the varsity’s locker room. He pushed me against one locker with both arms blocking both directions I can use as an escape. He stared at me but I can’t figure out what kind of face is he making. He looks so mad but when I try to stare into his eyes, he would look soft and would look away. He would occasionally swallow hard but will shake his head afterwards.

“What,” Keith started. “What have you done to me, asshole?” He said, stuttering on the cuss as if he couldn’t bare to call me that anymore. I couldn’t answer so he asked me one more time. “What did you do?!” This time, it was much more of a yell.

“Did you drug me? Did you cast a spell on me? What did you fucking do?!”

Keith looked like as if he’s about to cry. He crumbled to the floor, both arms leaning on my legs as he try to hold himself why crying.

“I’m... sorry...” is my only reply. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell him about the Diary App. I don’t even know what he will do after he learn about the truth.

I just let Keith cry all the tears in front of me. Somehow a little satisfied to get a revenge on him, but I’m still very mad at myself for doing this to him.

“Right after that night, when I came back home, I couldn’t help myself but to think about you. I couldn’t stop thinking about how good you look, how cute you looked when you made that lewd face while I was blowing you- Fuck! I’m not fucking gay! I knew that when I woke up. I remembered everything, but everything is mixed up! I can’t even tell which is true among these memories in my head. I wanted to get mad at you, but I can’t. Instead of getting so furious, I would resort to picturing you naked, tied up on my bed, and the next thing I’ll know I’m already jacking off! What the fuck did you do to me, Felix!”

I let Kieth finish what he was saying in between sobs. Apparently, I learned a new thing about the Diary App. Reality wont change if I don’t take the picture and in Keith’s case, when he woke up, he came back to his senses, but the changes are still in effect. At this point, I have no idea what I’ll do with Keith. I just pulled Keith up and told him to stand up properly. Keith placed his arms down and he looked at me, frowning, looking so fragile as if he’s about to have another breakdown in a few seconds. Still sobbing, he suddenly hugged me.

“Please. I’m telling you now, whatever I said last night about picking on you. I really meant that. I am very sorry about what I did to you. It’s just that...” He cut himself. “You seemed to get so much attention while I do not. I’ll admit that I was so jealous of you, but please, whatever the way, please return me back. I don’t want these feelings lingering around my body. Please.”

I can feel his tears run through my clothes onto my skin. Keith has been crying so much. I took a deep breathe and pushed him off my body.

“Fine. I really am sorry too for doing this to you, but do you really promise you won’t do that anymore?” I looked at him straight in the eyes.

“Damn it. Stop looking at me like that. You’re making me hard.” Keith looked away. “I promise. I really do.”

I laughed at him and pulled out my new phone and boot up the Diary App. Curiously, Keith leaned over to look at my phone. I then clicked on the previous log I have typed in.

“What’s that?” Keith asked. “What are you doing?”

“This is a Diary App. The one I used to change you.” I replied. I then started scrolling about, looking for any clue to know how to revert him back. “To be honest, I don’t really know how to turn you back.”

“What the fuck?” He looked at me with his eyebrows furrowed, but then he quickly looked away.

“I’m sorry, okay? I just got this phone the day you stole my old one.”

“Right.” Keith then sat down in front of me.

I tried all my best to look for a guide in the app that could tell me what to do. I could tell Keith’s staring at me body, though. He would sometimes lick his lips as he do so. I tried my best to focus on my phone and find what I need.

In a few while, I saw a help button at the very bottom of the page, in very small texts. I clicked it and a popup showed up. I finally found the guide and so I scrolled down to find just what I need for the moment.

How to revert changes.

Unlike making changes, reverting people back to their former state does not require sleeping to make the changes permanent.

In order to revert people back, hold on the log you want to remove, wait about 3 seconds until another popup shows up. You will be given an option between Archive and Delete. Click Delete, then Accept, and you’re done.

The process should happen in instant.

With that, I went to my recent log, held it and pressed delete.

“Hey, Keith I think-”

I cut myself right after I saw Keith jerking off in front of me. He started moaning loud, reaching his climax, until his eyes suddenly opened wide. He stopped himself, leaving himself on the edge, then he quickly wore his boxers and pants back. His cheeks red. He then faced the other way.

“I... I didn’t mean to...” Keith said. “It was because I couldn’t help myself a few seconds ago.”

“So I guess, you’re back to yourself?” I asked.

“Yeah I guess, I’m back.” Keith replied, then he went quiet, “I’m... back...” He faced me and hugged me tight. “I’m back! Thank you so much, Felix!”

“H-Hey, hey! I can’t breathe!” I said in between laugh. Then we suddenly realized what we were doing.

Kieth quickly moved away from me and scratched his head. As for me, I tried to distract myself by looking down at my phone. Keith took a deep breath and tired to speak.

“Hey, whatever happened last night, let’s keep that to ourselves, okay? I mean, I have nothing against gay people, if you’re somehow one of them, I just can’t see myself doing that, and about that false rumor I spread, that’s just to ruin your reputation. I didn’t intend to show any homophobia.”

“Deal.” I smiled.

Keith gave me his hand and I shook it. He took a hard grip on mine and he smiled back, a hint that our war is over.

We started walking towards our classroom. After what happened, Keith suddenly became talkative to me, and as for me, I started to enjoy his company. He talked a lot about sports, thinking that I could relate because he thought I play ball too. I guess that’s because of this new life of mine. Nevertheless, I still find him fun.

“Hey, by the way.” Keith suddenly changed the topic and pointed at my phone. “Where did you get that, anyway?”

“Well... In a store... It’s very complicated to explain but I’m sure that shop is somewhat magic.” I replied.

“I would say I don’t want to believe that, but experiencing what happened to me previously, that seems possible.” He remarked.

Keith then pushed his chest out and took a long deep breath.

“Why? Do you have something in mind?” I asked.

“Well... What else can it do?”

Trying to avoid telling him about my former self, I explained him what the app can do. From age change to racial change to even the impossible. He seemed so impressed, like a kid watching those Harry Potter movies for the first time. He started to show so much interest with the app. Meanwhile, I have already placed my trust on him.

“Can you like... Turn me into something?” Keith asked, with a closed lip grin. “I mean aside from turning me gay. Can you maybe make me older, or younger.”

“What do you exactly have in mind?”

We stopped walking with Keith thinking with his finger on his head. A few seconds later, he snapped and pointed at me.

“Make me old enough to be a teacher for a day.”

We stared at each other. I gripped my phone hard. Keith then gave me a bright smile.

What exactly is he trying to do here?

#gay to straight #Hey Diary

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adultingautistic · 4 years

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help? rambling! sorry for that thing.

(saw in the ask-section: so written today as of the 20th of August in the year 2020)

Hey,

No idea how to approach this. Though first things first: English is not my native language and I have some trouble with languages (even my native) [mostly speaking and writing… and understanding (the hearing part but sometime also the meaning part) – okay I just can’t language – sorry] and this thingy here will be long, again – sorry Though I learned to understand written english just so I could read more fanfictions (‘cause the ones in my native language didn’t satisfy me anymore) - spend a whole summer just reading stuff in english and now I *need* to read everything in english and watch things in their native production language (synchro is weird af) and if possible with subtitles (books: if it’s the authors native language; otherwise both languages (german and english) would be translated and then it doesn’t really matter, most of the time anyway)

WARNING: Messy, chaotic and about 2500 words long. Sorry. and it isn’t proof read and some sentences could be… not a sentence

I think I might be autistic / have adhd ? not sure, going to someone (professional) is not really an option as that would take at least 6 to 12 month to even get maybe a appointment… and it involves a lot of social interaction that would stress all people – even those that don’t have to think about *every* interaction they have with eachother… like no planning or thinking about what you have to say or can’t say and what’s appropriate? Like that is a thing – always wondered how most people got through life when everything is so damn hard. It is apparently a thing that isn’t so quite normal… lol*

Okay, most of the time (that I remember) wondered how that worked for everyone else except me – how they get through life thinking all those things, or well… don’t thinking all those things like HOW?!? Why can you “people”? and I learned it’s important if you’re a girl or not; so yeah, girl here. Followed adhd / autism stuff for a few month / weeks and now again for the last days (it’s an on and off thing). so yeah, I can relate to so much on like everything. Long time I thought, nah, can’t have it: good in school (more so when I was younger but never actually bad), finished school good (though could have been better, if I had studied once (like for my oral exam, I opened the document that should help us learn one whole time, the morning of the exam so yeah, not good at that; brain just goes, heard it once, why should I read this information? Can’t really recall it but while reading I “know” it, so WhAt Is STuDyInG?)) anyway (at this point I would have deleted about everything but like 3 or 4 sentences because… rambling. Sorry, but I think it is important what’s actually going on in my brain; I know it’s hard to read lol) considering all those things I read here (and on other blogs and stuff), I would explain so much about what’s going on in my life (I made a document where I collect all that stuff but it’s redundant sometimes and really messy; try to make a short list with most important things).

Like as a kid, it took me longer than other kids for this social stuff (not like it got “everything”, just enough to communicate more or less lol) or I was so freaking focused on rules; one example is at the train station, there is this line to indicate where you should wait for the train and the other side is where you’re allowed to step once the train is in the station – I lost it, when that rule wasn’t followed (never really big, loud but I was really upset – you know, I learned that it isn’t “allowed” to act out in public). Another thing, I would always get the adults (or kids) around me to speak to others: I mean, I wanted ice cream? Couldn’t order it (still hard to this day – I’m 19 years old btw) or any other basic interaction stuff – I mean I broke every connection to my best friend (in 6th grade, so I was like 10 or 11) because he broke a rule while playing “hide and seek” like yeah, one rule one time while playing and I didn’t speak to him for like 6-7 years (met him at driving school again lol) and I still have his book because I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore (now it’s just awkward to give it back).

As I was younger I loved reading, couldn’t get me away from it – now not so much lol (books or reading in general is so hard sometimes… most of the time) – but that is more like: I lost myself in the books and was super focused on it – now I “don’t have time” as in I can’t really read a book if I don’t have theoretically the whole day and night – cause if I have to do stuff later “there is not enough time to read a book” because I could get lost in it and miss stuff and 5 hours is like 5 minutes, right? (that is a part of “time blindness”, am I mistaken? – never really related to that on a deeper level but the longer it think about it, the more stuff comes to my mind that could be part of it lol / like I always at least try to) get ready when I want to visit my grandparents, it’s like a ten minute walk so I need at least 45 minutes to prepare. Example: want to be there at 14:00 so I should go to the bathroom around 13:15 the latest, bathroom always takes long ‘cause I get distracted, so I then somehow get going around 13:50 – spoiler: I need more like at least 15 minutes not less then 10 to get to my grandparents by foot – and where is the time? I got out of the bathroom somewhere before 13:40 most of the time – I do the exact same things every time and sometimes I’m like: oh, it’s like 13:25/13:30, why would I think I need so much time to get ready? And then most often I need longer – and no, then I start to got even earlier (bathroom is like the first thing in the routine I do before I have to leave the house) and somehow it is now 13:45 and I just leave the bathroom – HOW??)

Okay, MSWord tells me, I have written like almost a 1100 words and haven’t even looked at my 11 page document – sorry (can I even write that many words in an ask at tumblr?)

Another thing I found is RSD – of my god (I usually don’t like to use it like that but omg), that explains so much – don’t want to write too much (missed quite a few “too”s I think lol hope you understand anyway) – I really react so intense to small, constructive criticism and I didn’t (don’t) understand why; and question everything; I remember everything I did wrong (so many “small” things but I’m such bad at human sometimes) and the feels and oh no, I didn’t even do something wrong, my coworker/sort-of-not-really-friend told me how I could have slightly improved what I did: I’m such a bad human, I can’t do anything right and they won’t want to have to do anything with me again – thank you brain, not helpful. One other thing was, like I asked for one weekend of and I wasn’t allowed to take it ‘cause they planned to or already shifted an event (couldn’t really focus on that) to that weekend and I didn’t know it and when they said “no”, in that situation I could have lost it, I was almost in tears (you do not cry in public lol) and thought, how could I even ask that and be soo egoistic (along the lines of that).

This next one is just the text copied from a post but that is like exactly what it is for me:

“I literally thought all the symptoms were the default way a brain works, so you’re telling me some of you can “choose” what to pay attention to? Like, if you know you absolutely have to listen to and remember something you just “can” even if you don’t like it?

And if you’re at a restaurant and three other tables are having conversations you don’t just automatically absorb everything they’re saying?

And if you know you have to do something within the next hour it won’t just remind you of a different subject entirely which reminds you of another different subject entirely and you don’t just take you three days to remember the original thing you were doing????”

so true lol.

Found another post with autism signs in adults (that my have been missed as kids), I took out everything I don’t really relate to (like 5 or 6 things lol):

- may constantly rehears conversations or interactions

- may feel as though you are always on stage

- may have a few close friends, not many acquaintances

- may struggle with other people breaking rules (RULES ARE ABSOLUT – HOW CAN YOU BREAK THEM?)

- may often fidget, chew, tap, or other repetitive behaviors

- may get more or less upset at something than is “appropriate”

- may struggle to adjust when plans change without warning

- may have routines that don’t seem to have a real purpose

- may struggle in situations that are unfamiliar

- may be a very picky eater with few preferred foods

- may struggle with noises, touching, or sensory input

- may struggle to process visual or auditory information

- may struggle to settle body down enough for restful sleep (though I now have a weighted blanket and that’s soo awesome, it really helps at least a bit (don’t wake up that often at night anymore))

- may struggle to keep track of a fast conversation

- may take jokes very literally, and not understand teasing

- may miss sarcasm or subtleties while others are speaking

I understand teasing, I can more or less successful tease and be sarcastic but I’m not sure if people are teasing me. I do not prefer to communicate via text or email. It is still very stressful for me - a telephone is also bad (tone and stuff, not understanding the words correct and not even seeing the other person and in person is also bad – so no to communication and/or interaction lol)

I could provide example for everything but I’m at around 1700 words and just no.

Didn’t really mention sensory stuff, another post I found: “basically, your day-to-day sensory input shouldn’t be causing you distress. sounds wild, i know, but it’s not neurotypical for the stimuli (be it sound, touch, visual, etc etc) you encounter on a day-to-day basis to make you unhappy. also, if busy shopping malls or crowded parties consistently cause you distress or agitation, that’s a neurodiverse thing. it sounds strange, but apparently but yeah, it’s normal for most people to expect to be comfortable in their day to day surroundings.”

Like on one level, I knew it couldn’t be quite “normal” to be always uneasy in “normal” day to day surroundings but like, I can’t understand how people can not find it hard to be in such environment (I heard some enjoy it even, like HOW?).

Random interjection ‘cause I wanted to say something to thing from the beginning: * “Allistics do not “prepare” in order to socialize. They do not have scripts. They do not write them, memorize them, or use them. They just magically know what to say. “ yeah, wow, didn’t realise that for a long time, and it is really magically. But somehow they can; I still ask my mom to help me write emails (more or less important ones) ‘cause it’s hard and she’s always like: “we do it so often, why do you still need help, just write” – not helpful and we didn’t do it actually ‘cause it is a complete different situation now lol every new email is a new thing… I need to think about what to say to the cashier every damn time I’m in the supermarket lol; if I don’t have to talk, someone else orders for me (they thinks I’m lazy or so, I don’t know but it’s so hard and you know what to do, so you can do it lol)

And that executive dysfunction thingy also explains a lot – I mean, I like languages, I’m just not good at that speaking/hearing the words thing – still, I learn Ancient Greek as a sort of hobby (I mean, I learn it for so long now, it’s too late to stop, that would be weird and it is really interesting, just really hard) and I needed like 7 hours to do the work (like, got out of bed, got breakfast, started the computer and did like 30 minutes of working, then did some stuff on the internet for like an hour and then ate my forgotten breakfast, then did some more browsing (I need to do the work cause I have to send it to my teacher this evening lol) some work for like almost an hour, some more phone, a bit of work – and so on. I did some work (but like so many people would have done more or needed less time lol) – anyway I know I really need to work on the language and I just… don’t. arg, that sucks so much, every week I think, I could start doing things on Saturday and then everyday a bit so I have like six days to do some work and every time it’s Thursday and I’m like, lol 10 hours for doing a weeks work. And it’s not like I could focus for that 10 hours – except when I can but sadly it’s almost never on the things I *need* to do. Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

So, yeah, sorry; I think it’s quite possible that I’m autistic / have adhd, both or so – am I making things up and this is just my mind going a bit wild? (also, I’ve done some online “tests”; most of the time I get like ¾ of the maximal points, but at least always more than half the full points)

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Thanks if you made it to the end! 20.08.2020

PS. could write so much more in my mind but nope. i think one can get my point. otherwise just ask me

PPS. actually talked with my grandmother about it, lol, she said, it would explain some things she wondered about lol (never thought i would talk in real life with someone about it but i really needed to talk about my thoughts and then i couldn’t shut up and i was so worried but she is kinda cool with it? though she doen’t really know anything about the topic except what i told her so yeah. i acually have no clue how to approach my mum (even if it isn’t autism/adhd or so, i think i have to talk about how i tick a bit lol) (sorry, just had to write it a least lol)

so sorry, needed a part two (cause brain is stupid)

Okay, part two (I’m so sorry) (now it is the 21st of August 2020)

There is so much more I can write about: sorry, again like 1300 words.

Like, special interests – I have no idea; as I kid my teacher had to regularly remind me that I have to leave the classroom for break – cause I was so into my book that I didn’t hear anyone leaving the room or the bell; now I can get really invested in some fanfictions (if I have like five days for myself and nothing to do, it is like 3 books without a break) and I’m at a point where I don’t find (good) new stuff and read the same fanfic again and again (I know exactly what will happen and still love it), sometimes I don’t read it for like a few weeks or month and then like 5 times back to back. I absolutely love Doctor Who (but I’m not excessively obsessive or so and don’t know that many facts just some), just can ramble for a few minutes (okay, everyone who would listen speaks German and my main input for Doctor Who is English, so hard to translate that and stuff). Well back to books: I love them; even though I can’t properly focus much these day, I love them, I need them: but why? I hate that when book covers changes or the side of the book like it’s: publisher, name of book, author and the next book is like name of the book, publisher, author and all is mixed up or the symbol of the publisher is slightly different: why? Can’t it be consistent? Why??.

Routines, rituals and stuff. Yeah, I have for example this one street (they repaired the street but there is a small crack now), I have to cross it on the side that is where the street crosses another and then the last 3 steps have to be on the other side and the fourth is stepping on the sidewalk (I really can’t do it any other way and I hate this one car that always blocks the crack a bit – it shouldn’t be standing there ‘cause it’s almost directly in the crossing lol) when I still was going to school, my way home was very specific and one time there was a building/construction site (just some repairs or work on the pipe lines in the ground) and the first time I saw this I was stressed after a long day of school and almost lost it right there and then, because I couldn’t walk my normal way (and yes, at home I cried at bit); for the next few weeks my way back home was hell. I have some specific routines for the bathroom and showering (though most people have that, right?). I have to pack my things and then my stuff like keys and such in the same way every time. When I need a walk I have like two (or three) routes I can take and I have to do them and almost can’t change them after I started (I can though it really throws me off and I don’t feel really well after that). One time – cause Covid-19 and stuff – you need to use a shopping cart where I live in order to enter the supermarket (so you keep more distance) – so, I went to the market by foot and had everything planned, shortly before I am at the store I realise I don’t have a “chip” (thingy you need to use the shopping cart; don’t know if you know what I mean) and I lost it – my plans and routine how I go shopping to that market (if by foot) was ruined – went back home and cried and raged like for an hour (went later again, cause I really needed stuff and I couldn’t leave that thing open, that also feels… not good – had to finish the walking “round”: to the store, store, back home)

One thing I mentioned before: sensory stuff; yeah, not a fan of “loud” noises (it isn’t always the loudness but more the number of noises). Water in my face (nope, hate it, never under the shower and like a sponge or so is horror (like everywhere on my body), just clean water is okay (but please, I can’t have had soap like right before on my hands)), lights is a day to day thing (though if I’m tired / close to what I think is sensory overload, either the room I’m in gets like darker or lights up so much it’s not tolerable anymore (then I know, I really, really have to leave the room and not see or hear anybody anything anymore)), and food, yeah (everything has its place on my plate and please don’t touch), I’m a really “picky” eater and I absolutely despise like cooked or baked fruits (some vegetables too) (they feel soo weird in my mouth… and taste bad… but the texture alone is… really, really bad) (if I wait a bit more, I could think of more but you get the gist I think)

One thing that throws me off: Since I’m 14 years old, I do some stuff with youth groups like mostly work in the church as a volunteer (like in the (school)holidays going a vacation with a group and such things) – I needed like three years (I was and still am seen as shy, mostly) to really “lead” a group (I really am good at imitating the others that can lead a group, I think) and now after I finished school and am doing a “Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (FSJ)” (voluntary social year) (basically I “work” for a year in a social job (sorry, no idea how to explain it in English) and get not much money (that’s the volunteering-part, but ‘cause I work full-time (38.5 hours a week on paper), I get a bit of money)) – and now I applied for studying for working in a social job – can’t really explain it but important is that I would/will have to work with people and stuff, like my job is to create/plan activities for people (like for example, a meeting every week for old people, free-time activities for teenagers or so). On one level I somehow like that working with people (as long as I know what I do, I had time to plan and everything happens more or less as I imagined/planned), on another level I absolutely… well not hate it… but it is really taxing for me and sometimes I really question myself but then other people say, do it, you’re good at it – and I’m like: yeah? I sometimes feel terrible and have no idea what’s going but okay, good that you don’t see that?! Am I not totally awkward and what? Still, have no clue what I would do instead of that lol (sorry, explained that whole thing real bad; just ask, if something is unclear)

So, two options: either I fake everything I wrote before that last thing and how would that work? Or I’m really good at faking that last thing and how? I have no idea and yeah, I had to write that – can both work? Like, it’s not like that I’m always (really) comfortable doing that social stuff but on the other hand, a bit adrenaline and anxiety makes the life more fun or something like that (and it’s not like, yeay, one time a certain situation managed and the next time I can navigate that somewhat same situation, nope, it’s like nothing ever happened before and that’s… annoying?)

Sorry again to bother you. Thanks for reading

21.08.2020

PS. I will probably think of something new every few hours but that’s enough for now I think lol – sorry

PPS. And sorry for my bad English and explaining… language is hard (not like I could write it better in my native language lol)

_______________________________________________________________

First, I will never, ever, ever judge someone based on how good their English is, whether English is their first language or not. People communicate the best they can, and that’s all that counts, and it does not matter if it’s “perfect”.

So I can’t address every detail you brought up, because this was a LOT! I did read all of it though, and the general impression I get is that you’re right, you probably have ADHD, and possibly autism as well, though I am not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you.

You asked a few times if you could be “faking” it, and the answer to that I can say for certain: No, you are not faking. What you told me here are your life experiences. I just read a story of “How life is like” for you, and it was not fiction, this is your real perspective about how your brain sees the world. This is not fake. This is who you are, and I felt what you wrote was very open and honest, the exact opposite of fake.

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Based on your experiences that you shared, I’d say it’s more than likely you have ADHD. You talk often about trying to complete a task and losing your focus before it’s finished:

Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

This is all very suggestive of ADHD. You also had some symptoms that could be autism, but it seems like the ADHD is more prominent for you and is affecting you more (keep in mind, I’m only a stranger on the internet, I could be totally wrong).

I’m really happy that you were able to share these thoughts with your grandmother, and that she was open to listening to you about them, even if she didn’t have all the facts.

I know you said it would be a long wait, and very difficult, to get an appointment with a professional. But I do really think you should be tested for ADHD. Maybe your grandmother can help you talk to your mum about it, or maybe your grandmother can make all those phone calls for you (because believe me, I know how difficult it is to make phone calls, they are just as hard for me). Even if you have to wait a year, it would be worth it to know- and also, because in the case of ADHD, there is medication which can help you. So it would be really worth it for you to get that, even if you have to wait a long time.

You’re obviously a very detail-oriented, thoughtful person, and I know that you’ve studied this subject inside and out. You’re not faking, you’re not making it up. These are your experiences, and they are the truth, and you deserve to be tested if you want to be.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #ADHD #submission

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