one of the most frustrating parts of avpd for me is that i can get so angry — i mean want-to-put-my-fist-through-a-wall-or-maybe-a-face angry, have-to-stop-myself-from-crashing-my-car angry, like scary angry — and i can’t do anything about it. i’d bet most of the people who know me would laugh at the idea of me being that angry because it’s so far off from anything i could ever express.
not that i would want to act on those urges, but i can’t even say that i’m angry out loud, much less raise my voice or god forbid slam a door. it just all builds up inside of me until there’s so much of it that it gets violent and i spend hours just sitting there with my eyes closed imagining what it’d feel like to scream at the top of my lungs or destroy everything in my room or leave with no intention of ever coming back again. all i can do is fantasize about what it would feel like to be angry the way everyone else gets to be angry until it gets so bad that it’s not just the way everyone else gets angry, it’s something worse than that. my therapist once told me she thought i needed to learn how to get angry, and i didn’t know how to tell her that i can get angrier than she would ever believe, it just lives inside my head and never gets to come out the way everyone else’s does.
and if you’ve never felt it, you can’t even imagine the kind of resentment that turns into, the way you start to hate everyone around you so much you want to see them hurt or even dead, because why do they get to be loud and angry and show it off to the world when you can’t? how dare they be so goddamn frustrating and piss you off so much when you know deep down that they would hate you for ever showing it?
i’ve imagined the catharsis of getting loud and destructive since i was little because something furious has been burning the inside of my mind for my entire life and it will never stop because it will never have anywhere to go. it makes me feel like a horrible person, like the kind of person who might just snap one day and do something awful, and i guess i just have to live with that.
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This 4th of July I’m stealing the patriotism euphoria that’s usually associated with assholes idolizing the worst attributes of this country because fuck ‘em I live here too and remembering the things this country actually got Right is an important exercise when trying to rally anyone to want to defend it in November SO putting my money where my mouth is I’ll start easy and say I really like National Parks!! It’s rad how many of them there are and how they’re actual set up to preserve some of the most beautiful wild areas in our country while still letting people visit to enjoy and experience nature!! (Less important but I love how they put national parks on the quarters I think that’s real fun)
Feel free to add on if something speaks to ya!
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Does anyone else feel like Aylinluna was horribly out of character this episode?? I've heard that apparently some things were cut, so that might be the reason but it still felt weird. Like ur telling me Luna, who has literally been so respectful of Aylin's boundaries literally even last episode, is suddenly forcing her to go out of her comfort zone?? Okay, fine, I understand the concept of wanting ur gf to get along with ur friends, but ur telling me Luna wouldn't stand up for Aylin when someone is clearly getting in her face and making her uncomfortable?? That she would call her an ALIEN??!!!
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@vani-ash not an essay, but here's 124 words of something.
Sunshine, the third being that Ghost has seen with his face, tilts his head and gives Ghost a half-lidded look. The corner of his lip curls slowly into an amused smirk. “You looking for a friend,” he leans in, letting his breath warm Ghost’s cheeks, “or perhaps… more?”
Ghost widens his eyes and swivels his head back and forth to scan the otherwise empty compartment. “More friends? More of us?”
Strong fingers grip his chin, and Ghost is once again looking into Sunshine’s eyes. The grip loosens and a finger trails up his cheek, down the bridge of his nose, then down to rest upon Ghost's lower lip.
“As many friends as you have freckles,” coos Sunshine before replacing his finger with his lips.
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