#2.5k+ words

[ro-sham-no]

Sam’s wall breaks, and he won’t stop screaming.

it's his birthday so you KNOW i had to whump my boy

It’s been two days and fifteen hours and Sam won’t stop screaming. 

Blood droplets fly out of his mouth with wracking coughs as he chokes on hurried inhales, mucosal spit gumming up his trachea.

It’s been two days and sixteen hours and Sam won’t stop screaming.

The only times he’s been silent in the last two days and seventeen hours is when he’s unconscious. The first bout - four hours and twenty-three minutes of silence - Dean’d just clocked him in the jaw when it was clear Sam was going to scream himself into involuntary suffocation - diaphragm and abdominal muscles locking up from the abuse. Dean knocked him unconscious for those four hours and twenty-three minutes, after six hours of his weeping and gnashing of teeth.

By the time he had woken up, Dean had shots of sedative and they were two hours into a twenty-eight-hour drive to Bobby’s - if nothing else, Dean’s efficient. Sam didn’t take notice.

And if the sounds he won’t stop making can be described as screaming, then the sounds he makes when Dean has to touch him while he’s awake can only be described as a death wail. Wailing and scrambling to get away from Dean with a fervor that earns them both violent shades of bruises.

It’s been two days and twenty hours and Sam won’t stop screaming.

During the drive, whenever Sam’s anguish would escalate back into hair-tearing, along with beating his fists against his arms and thighs and threatening to bash his head into the windows of the Impala, Dean would pull over to force another dose of sedative into him. 

The sounds he makes while Dean tries to subdue him… Well, even in the most remote location on their route, Dean was afraid the farmer whose house they could just barely see in the distance would be able to hear. It had to have been at least three miles away, with how flat the land was, and Dean was still worried that someone would hear. 

Sam won’t stop screaming, and his screams are deafening- except when he’s unconscious, from the shots Dean gives him, the screaming is just in Dean’s mind. A haunting kind of tinnitus that rings in Dean’s ears, just as nauseating as the real deal, but a touch less heartbreaking.

He only allows himself to sleep for the first few hours of Sam being down for the count, despite the catatonic state that seemed to have taken over him. Dean wasn’t about to risk Sam waking up without him. They sleep together in the car, in the weeds and the bramble off of back roads, hidden from view. Baby’s paint has never been so scratched up.

It’s been two days and twenty-three hours and Sam won’t stop screaming.

They’ve been at Bobby’s for the last twenty-four of those, trying to hold back on the sedative, because god knows they can’t keep it up forever or Sam’s heart is liable to just straight up quit, so they’ve been rationing it. Walking the nerve-wracking line between acceptable amounts of incomprehensible human suffering and causing an overdose that could just kill Sam, for good this time.

On the 72nd hour - that’s two days and twenty-four hours, or three days and zero hours, or 4,230 minutes and zero seconds, or 259,200 seconds and -

It’s been three days and zero hours, and Sam is awake, but he stops screaming.

And on the third day he will be raised…

Dean rushes over to check on him, but Sam is still breathing, heart still beating, body still holding itself upright, and he’s stopped screaming.

Now, though, two lines of salty tears trail down his face. For all his hysteric shrieking over the last three days, through all the rocking and swaying and the occasional distinct syllable of “no” over and over again, he hadn’t actually shed a tear, until now.

It’s been three days and zero hours and Sam’s tears are silent. 

He’s staring far off into the distance - into the wall that’s four feet in front of him - and he is silent. Even his gasps are inaudible. No sniffling, not a single huff or quiver of breath. Just tears.

It’s been three days and zero hours and two minutes and both Dean and Bobby are in the room now, staring at Sam with undisguised fear-horror-confusion. 

They stare at him and he begins to shake. Lightly, at first, but it grows. It always grows. Sam is silent, and he’s shaking, and his eyes stream tears with the consistency of a downpour, and Dean moves back in front of him. He’d stepped away to yell for Bobby out the door when it looked like Sam would live after his abrupt descent into silence. Dean steps back in front of him and reaches out to touch Sammy, and now Sam’s not silent. A three-minute silence and now it’s broken by Sam scrambling backward with a gasp that’s really more of an inhaled moan of fear, hastening back so far that he pushes off of the bed he’d been sitting on.

He crashes to the floor, out of Dean’s reach even as the man leaps forward with a cry of, “Sam!”

But Sam’s flight had been too fast, so he crashed to the ground and has now fallen silent again, but Dean can’t tell if there are still tears because Sam has wedged himself into a ball in the crease between the floor and the wall, form-fitting his back and ass over the baseboards hard enough to bruise. He’s hiding his face in his knees, still trembling, but still silent, so Dean can’t tell if the tears have stopped. He isn’t sure if that would be better or worse.

Because now it’s been three days and five minutes, and Sam’s curled up in sublimation. 

He’s crammed against the wall, his knees are up in front of him, spread only far enough to shove his head between them - but down quite far, uncomfortably so, contorted - but his hands aren’t curled up like the rest of him. Instead, his hands are held out around his legs, stretched around them and then upward, palms out like he’s receiving something sacred. Or like he’s giving it away.

It’s been three days and six minutes and Sam is trembling in sublimation.

The room is silent, Dean and Bobby don’t know what to do, but he isn’t hurting himself and he isn’t screaming so they wait him out.

It’s been three days and thirty minutes, by the time anything happens.

At first, Bobby thinks it’s the creaks of his house. At first, Dean thinks it’s the creaks of his soul. They’re both wrong, they realize, as the sound is actually coming from Sam, but it reverberates in such a way that it’s equally loud from every corner of the room. Dean wonders, faintly and somewhat hysterically, when Sam learned ventriloquy. 

It’s a low but resounding utterance, indistinguishable at first, but becoming more distinct with every syllable, losing its eerie ambience and beginning to actually come from Sam as its focal point. Whatever Sam is saying, deep into his chest in a tone that aches, becomes clearer, but neither of the other two men can understand it.

Sam’s palms are still held up in front of his shins. His head is still shoved between his knees, and he’s still trembling. He finishes his recitation but doesn’t fall silent. Instead, he switches to a language that Dean realizes with a jolt that he can understand the words, seconds before Bobby realizes it, too. 

“Pater noster, qui es in שְׁאוֹל, sanctificetur nomen tuum. Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas tua, sicut in שְׁאוֹל et in terra.”

A sickening aura falls over the room as both lucid men hear the exceptions to the otherwise familiar prayer. “On earth, as it is in שְׁאוֹל,” Sam had said. Sheol, the subterranean final resting place. The pit. “The place of no return, the land of utter darkness and deep shadow.” 

Hell.

Our Father who art in the pit of utter death and darkness…

It’s been three days and one hour by the time Sam finishes his contritions. 

By then, he’d recited that first chant in the same unknown language twice more, alternating it with the Latin rendition of the Lord’s prayer.

Hallowed be thy name…

Dean has a gnawing, sinking feeling in his gut that he knows exactly what that other language is.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in שְׁאוֹל, the deep shadow.

The cadence, the tone; they’re the same. Distorted by the foreign, guttural tones of the other language, but they cut through Dean with the same taste. Sam is repeating the same thing over and over again, just in alternating tongues. The familiar Latin combined with the unfamiliar, grating timbre of the other. 

The repugnant language of the wretched Divine.

Those accursed, winged beasts, just like the one his brother, his Sammy has been locked up with for an earth-year. And who knows what that timeline looked like, in the depths? Nothing sears in your mind quite like the crushing realization that virtually no real time has passed when you return from it, Dean remembers. The rock constantly lodged in the base of Dean's chest, taking up space where his lungs are supposed to go, which screams out, your pain was never real.

Did time distort further the further down you went in hell? Was Dean’s 40-year stint a mere blink in the face of the time Sam had been locked up with that thing that did this to him?

The only reason Dean’s stomach isn’t on the floor in front of him is because his stomach is empty, the pervasive ache of the last few days locking it up tight. Sam has been screaming and Dean hasn't been eating, but he's never been less hungry in his life.

It’s been three days and one hour and Dean’s been crying for every single second of them.

The wailing and screaming had gouged at him, in that way little baby's cries gouge at unsuspecting figures passing by, striking that deep, maternal cord within them. The same way little toddler-Sam’s cries had always gouged at Dean. The same way, too, that not-so-little teenaged Sam’s sniffles into his pillow that he thought were muffled had always gouged at Dean. 

If the screams had been gouging at him, this reverent recitation was gutting him. Viscerally, like a fish being pulled sharply off of a too-big hook that it had somehow managed to swallow down too far. Catch and release turned into a pitiful horror.

But it’s been three days and one hour, now, and Sam’s finished his latest round of the Lord’s prayer - Latin this time - and he’s fallen silent again.

His hands are still held out, despite how bad it must make his shoulders and wrists ache with the tension of his stillness. Before Dean can think to do anything, though, Sam continues, but he breaks the pattern. Instead, his voice is much shakier now, and he starts to plead, the only term applicable to the tone of voice Sam has taken on: wretched, and full of supplication. Pleading, in Latin still,

“Elohim, Messiah - Please take this temptation from me. Please, as you have so graciously promised, benevolent Savior, tempt me not with this Sin of the Flesh. I am too weak, Father. This temptation is too great and I cannot bear it.

Temptation? Father?

The formal tone rankles. The self-deprecation vexes. The use of Father to refer to the most foul being to ever walk above and below the earth seethes and horrifies. Dean is rankled. Dean is vexed. Dean seethes, and he is horrified.

“Take Him from my sight, יהוה, keep me away from His fraternal presence, please, Lord. Balm though He is to my soul, grateful though I am for this offering, I am too weak to refrain from Sin.”

Fraternal? Sin?

“I would naught but bastardize this precious gift, and thine hand wilt be forced against me, as thou shalt flay me apart; dissect me to make penance for my transgressions. I do not wish this, Father, so please: Take Him from me, do not allow my wretched Sin to pervade in thine realm.”

Just because Dean’s stomach is empty doesn’t mean it isn’t trying valiantly to make an appearance. At the word “fraternal,” Bobby had started pushing him out the door. Stunned, Dean hadn’t fought back. There’s bile on Bobby’s hardwood floor outside the bedroom Sam and Bobby were still in.

Sam spoke as if Dean’s presence was the temptation, one too great to bear. And he spoke as if to God, but Dean knew better, he knew where Sam had been. Where Dean let him go. No gods to be seen, not there. What Sin had Lucifer contrived between them, to make Sam pay penance for? What occurred between them for Sam to be… Flayed alive. Dissected. 

Dean’s not stupid enough to believe that's anything but literal.

Bobby swings the door mostly-closed just in time for Sam to finish his pleas and lower his arms.

It’s been three days and one hour and ten minutes, and Sam raises his head.

Dean watches through the crack in the door, concealed in the darkness of the hallway. He’s holding his breath and he’s not sure he’ll ever forgive himself for not rushing right back to Sam's side. But something is holding him back, and he doesn’t want to name it. 

(Fraternal… Sin?)

Sam raises his head but keeps his eyes scrunched shut - tears and snot are dripping down his face, which is a blotchy red but somehow still pallid with fear. He’s shaking worse than before as he straightened his back out, sitting up and letting his legs fold down so he’s cross-legged. Not relaxed, but no longer contorted. Finally, he releases a shaky breath and opens his eyes, pointing down at the floor.

Bobby shifts his weight purposefully and Sam’s eyes fly to him with a wild flinch of fear. It hangs in the air uncomfortably long before he recognizes the man in the room with him, and he lets out a sob of what Dean hopes is relief.

He quickly bows his head and shifts up onto his knees in a simple prayer position, hands pressed together in a booklet of gratitude as he sobs out, “Thank you, Messiah, Morningstar. Thank you.”

Then, with a big sigh, he allows himself to look back at Bobby, but his gaze is clinical, observing. He whispers, through his hitching, wet breaths, “He did it. I can't believe he did it. He’s gone. I don’t have to do it again, not yet.”

Sam’s face crumples as he’s hysterical with relief, and Dean’s clawing his own arms raw and bloody outside the door, desperate to get to the crying baby and soothe it, desperate to kiss toddler-Sam’s scraped knees, desperate to tell teenage-Sam that nothing will ever change the way Dean feels about him, despite whatever darkness he seems to think is inside of him. But still, he’s held back by that unspeakable Sin between them. Lucifer didn’t contrive it, Dean knows that. He holds himself back.

Bobby speaks up then, gruff and wary, “Don’t have to do what, yet?”

Sam startles before finally, really looking at Bobby like he’s a human on the same plane of existence as him, not like he’s a mildly interesting fixture on a non-existent wall.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it, Bobby. It’s good to see you,” Sam cracks a smile, and it encapsulates one thousand shades of grief.

Sam continues quieter, once again to himself, “I wish it wasn’t like this. I’m sorry. So, so sorry. But you’re not Him, so it’s fine, it’s fine…”

Bobby squints at him long and hard, eyeing his more relaxed posture and at least somewhat lucid speech - odd though it may be - before he glances at the crack in the door and gives a tiny eyebrow raise that says, get your ass in here.

Dean slowly cracks the door open and calls out to his baby brother, just as he comes into view, “Sammy?”

His reaction is violent. If Sam was pallid before, he’s now a putrid shade of green, face twisting up in horror as he shakes his head, wringing his hands and mumbling out at first, devolving quickly into yells into the aether, into the corners of the room, “No! No, no- please, you promised, no-”

He collapses into himself on the floor, half hidden behind the bed, putting it between him and Dean. The trembling returns with moans and cries incessantly pouring out of Sam’s mouth as he buries his head in his hands, gripping at his face and whatever hair is in reach with too much force, wailing out a constant stream of no, no, no!

Dean takes an involuntary step forward into the room, drawn in by that maternal wretchedness. Desperate, always desperate, to comfort his baby brother. 

When his boot sounds on the carpet - muted but oh-so-loud to Sam’s ears - the cries lose their shape, hiccupping wails of no quickly becoming unintelligible and increasingly frantic, building and building until it can only be described as a howling scream.

It’s been three days and one hour and fifteen minutes, and Sam won’t stop screaming.

[coddda]

Hiiiiiii. Episode 25/26 lawlight analysis rant thingy here. I don't know how to write an intro for this so let's just get to it LOL

I think one of the reasons that the rain/foot scenes stick out so much (the. Sheer insanity of a Foot Massage Scene in an anime revolving around two guys trying to kill each other aside 💀) is the fact that the anime specifically suffers a bit in terms of adapting a few of the "emotional" moments in death note.

And I don't mean "emotionally impactful" exactly. For example I think the adaptations of scenes like Raye and Naomi's deaths were very impactful and the atmospheres of their final scenes were great, but I mean more from a characterization standpoint (if that makes sense). Being more focused on mind and logic games, Death Note as a whole isn't as invested in individual characters' deeper feelings as it is in its action (which isn't necessarily a criticism per say, it's simply part of the nature of a mystery thriller series). But just because they're fewer and farther between doesn't mean there are none at all. In the manga we do get to see, for example, how much Light actually cared for his family and especially Sayu, and how he actually felt more conflicted and suffered lack of sleep/appetite when he first used the Death Note.

The anime specifically as an adaptation is pretty good at adapting the main mind fuckery and action of Death Note, but its lacking in properly adapting scenes like the ones I mentioned above is a criticism I see somewhat often, and it's pretty fair imo. Compared to all the other adaptations, it certainly seems to fall short on an emotional level: the musical has entire songs going in depth about the characters feelings and relationships, the 2015 jdrama is. Insane and has its emotional moments in spades (because it's a TV drama, which are more focused on portraying emotional conflict and the like), even the 2006 movies has its emotional beats and L Change the WorLd is. Well. Oh Man.

Anime Light to a lot of people is like. Light but he's "already evil" (which I have my own thoughts on but I digress). Light but after using the Death Note for like 2 minutes he's already like "fuck yeah time to kill criminals". Basically the anime doesn't take as much time to delve into his less cynical sides or really delve into his already vague and harder to decipher feelings in general, he is noticeably colder from the get-go here, etc.

But that's part of why I think episode 25 manages to stand out so much tonally (apart from it being, y'know, the episode L literally Dies). I love the episode so much and could probably rant for hours about how much I love the artistic choices made in it but what I'm trying to get at here is that it's one of the very few moments where the show tries to go deeper into specific character's emotions, and one of the very few moments where the show Attempts (emphasis on "attempts" because, well, you'll see in a bit) to get more in-depth into Light's feelings apart from his cynicism/apathy/justice. ness.

L in these two scenes in episode 25 is, well, pretty damn open about how he feels. It's usually interpreted as him knowing that he's going to die, and you can see it. He visibly looks/sounds lost, somber, etc. He never really had much to hide around Light to begin with (since he doesn't really care about hiding himself the same way Light does) but especially not now and it Shows, and I personally thought it was pretty cool to delve into his thoughts/show how he feels this way. The somberness can be felt throughout the entire scene, even people who don't already know the plot of Death Note from the manga could probably tell that he's about to die.

In the manga, once L starts suspecting Misa again and Rem realizes what Light is trying to do, it goes straight to Watari and L's deaths, but the anime instead gives a distinct and unexpected pause in the middle of this where L contemplates his own death. It's fucking great, and the shift from straight action to slower emotional weight makes these scenes stand out a lot, since, like I said, the show usually focuses more on the former. But it's kind of ironic, too.

Not only does the anime open up L's feelings more in these scenes, but it also tries to dig deeper into Light's feelings as well through L. And it's really funny honestly because while, yes, these are the more "emotionally open" scenes of the anime Light still manages to be Incredibly avoidant and contribute almost nothing to the entire ordeal.

L is visibly upset -> "Yeah Ryuzaki, you're not making any sense at all" (Not addressing the obvious conflict from L)

"Tell me, Light. From the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?" -> "[The most stale, over-explained, avoidant answer to a "yes/no" question that you could ever hear + blatant attempts to reframe the question]"

(L's half-smile here kills me) "I had a feeling you'd say something like that" -> [Nothing]

"I'm sorry" -> [Nothing]

"It'll be lonely won't it? You and I will be parting ways soon" -> [Nothing]

^ From this point Light continues to say literally Nothing for the rest of the scene. I'm not even joking, from then on the rest of Light's voicelines are reduced to nothing but vague noises of confusion.

Everytime L calls Light out as a person ("Has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?" / "I had a feeling you'd say something like that." / "Won't it be lonely?") he doesn't actually acknowledge anything. Out of those three lines, he only answers verbally to if he's ever told the truth, and even then it's the most blatantly people-pleasing answer ever, as it usually is with Light. And I don't think it's because Light just. Doesn't care about any of what L's saying at all, or that he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about (questioning Light's authenticity as a person, saying it would be lonely when they part), instead he's choosing not to acknowledge any of what this means about himself or him and L at all. He's like a fucking wall.

And like, for the truth question in particular, the show makes sure that you know it's not something that Light just. Doesn't care enough about to answer. The hard cuts to silence are a very rare but extremely effective way that the show conveys an extremely important moment (see: Light regaining his memories, Matsuda noticing Light opening the warehouse door before he escapes (not as much of a "direct" cut to silence but still)), and cuts to multiple angles/framings/zooms of the exact same shot are also used for the same purpose (see: Light hugging Misa when she was crying, Matsuda aiming his gun to shoot Light, Light regaining his memories Again). Just like the scene where Light gets his memories back, the moment L's question finishes the show utilizes both. That question cut Deep. There's is a solid Almost 5 seconds of silence before the sound of the rain gradually starts fading back in, and honestly that should be telling enough as is (but of course Light doesn't actually admit that. Or anything at all really, so). Oh also another fun detail! We do not see Light's face At All (except for the shot where you can see his mouth moving but not his eyes), for the Entire time that he's going on his spiel to L. We Will Be Revisiting This Later, by the way. This is not, in fact, the first time you're going to see this detail from Light.

The only sort of reciprocation that we see from Light during Any of these two scenes is when Light dries L's hair while L dries his feet. Biblical meanings/references aside it's interesting because it's the only time he directly does anything "for" L in these scenes, but even then he doesn't try to pass it off as anything meaningful really the same way L does ("You're still soaked", a purely neutral and factual statement. It doesn't Add Anything compared to L's. Sin atonement loneliness grieving stuff. While Light is showing his own reciprocation to this more personal moment he also tries to keep it impersonal enough that it doesn't actually have to mean anything deep). And when L says "I'm sorry" after he once again gets no response from Light. It's also after this that L gets that pained look on his face, like he knows that at this point he's not actually going to get anything meaningful from Light (again, very significant and rare from L in the show. We've seen him in distress (see: when Ukita died, hell, when Watari dies), but even then he mostly manages to keep his usually neutral expression), we never see him "look sad" like he does here):

I just think it's interesting that this is one of the few scenes in this particular adaptation of Death Note where they try to open up the character's thoughts/feeling (especially considering the fact that they. lowkey blunder in adaptations of original scenes from the manga), and L himself is being rather open (not that he ever really tries to hide what he thinks nearly as much as Light), and yet all Light contributes to it in return is like. Actually nothing. Bro fumbled it. There is no resolution to any of this, to any of what L asks at all, to any of the many opportunities for a meaningful conversation, and the only thing even relatively close to an answer that you can get from Light is what you can infer from how he acts in the episode after L dies, where he's just going through the motions, but hardly acting as if he's actually living at all.

(Honestly I think the transition from this scene with the taskforce to the subsequent scene with Misa says enough on its own. Light's expressions and tone says everything:)

(Oh sidenote but. This shit again:

"Light, this is our first date in forever. can't you enjoy yourself a little more?" ('Why don't you seem happy? We can finally be together since L is dead') -> No response, Light instead changing the topic to him wanting to move in with Misa without changing his mannerisms at all

Also there's that one detail again. You pretty much don't see Light's expression when he speaks here at all, except for one shot of his eyes, which is quite literally the exact same shot they used when he "saw" L, just altered for the new setting. You have No idea what he looks like when he's responding to Misa, although it's probably fair to assume that it's the same empty stare he has for the whole Two Shots where you can clearly see his whole expression in the entire scene.

Something something Light Yagami bad at feelings I think you get the point though)

I guess Light's Kind of showing what he's feeling now? He'll admit to himself that it's boring without L, but no more than that. Light never actually admits to anything "significant", and L's dead already anyway, so what would that even do?

And then we get, uh. Basically nothing from Light. For the next 5 Years. Except that he joined the NPA, so, uh, yay? Good job, Light you totally nailed it! Thank you for allowing us as an audience to delve deeper into your inner thoughts and feelings as a character so we can find out more about you as a person! Very helpful! Thank you for not sabotaging one of your few dedicated opportunities to look into yourself as a person and reflect on your relationships with others and being 100% honest with yourself! We stay winning guys.

Anyway, this got way too long for a scene that's over a decade old, and I've probably just said everything that everyone else has already said in this fandom before. But unfortunately this has been living in my head for way too long and I must scream. I just think this episode's neat is all :)

tl;dr Part of the reason why the rain/foot scene (tbh episode 25 in General) stands out so much is because the Death Note anime specifically was a bit robbed in terms of its more emotional character moments compared to the other medias, which makes more somber/introspective scenes like the ones in episode 25 stand out a Lot in comparison. But it's also incredibly ironic because it's one of the few moments where the show (or specifically L) tries to look deeper into Light's character, but because he is so avoidant for the entire duration of these two scenes he adds basically nothing at all. It's almost funny. Mostly sad. It's also very gay. Aand post

Okay actually nevermind one more thing I talked about how the jdrama is supposed to be more emotionally in-depth because it is a TV Drama and just for the record, same thing happens there! I could probably do an entire analysis of the Blue Scene in this context like I did with episode 25 but I'd literally be here forever, so uh, just take this iconic line as my main example:

Same Thing. L's statement "I wish we could have met some other way" is personal. It's his own wish, his own regret that he is expressing to Light. While Light's reply obviously has that same regret implied it's also phrased in a specifically impersonal way. It's closed off. "This is the only way we could have met" it closes off the topic and simply renders L's wish as ultimately futile. Light does not say that he Also wishes he could have met L a different way even if it was likely impossible, instead it's a cold statement of cynical fact.

Idk just. Something something L being able and Willing to be more openly sentimental/emotionally open towards Light/about Light vs. Light's inability to be honest with anyone including himself and his own nature preventing any form of meaningful reciprocation. Something something self-sabotage, y'know the drill. God don't even get me Started on how sincere L's tone is when he says "It'll be lonely won't it?"(at least in the eng dub) in the anime I could talk about his tone in that scene for ages. Also yes all of this relates to L Change the WorLd too by the way. Don't ask how it just does okay.

I do think that scenes like these (rain/foot scene, The Blue Scene. Uh. L Change the WorLd The Novel Adaptation) show, at least in those adaptations, that L does genuinely care for Light, and show that he values him as a friend not just in the mindgame-equal sense but also just like, a more sincere sense you know. Idk if that made any sense and that's a whole other topic for another day but you guys just have to believe me on this one alright please please believe me buries head in hands. Okay post over finally thanks for coming to my tedtalk hope you enjoyed my very-unnecessarily long analysis of the week

[randomfoggytiger]

Even though I am personally not religious, one of my favorite character traits of Scully was her faith despite being a hard nosed scientist. If you had to define her religious beliefs how would you? Would you consider her a hard core catholic, a catholic in name only or something else?

I look forward to a 1000 word prompt XD

The Journey of Scully's Faith, in Brief

Oh, yeah, Scully and her religion.

*cracks knuckles*

Faith was Scully's albatross until all things, a tug-of-war between her initial belief and secondary rationalization.

ATHEISM, AGNOSTICISM, AND THE FEAR OF HER BELIEFS

During the first half of the 90s, religion represented, to Scully, everything she was afraid to believe in: her father's ghost mouthing The Lord's Prayer, her Catholic mother's psychic dreams, her partner's and sister's convictions running concurrent with her struggle against faith.

She began Season 1 as an atheist-- more so than Mulder, perhaps-- using the rigidity of science to explain her world. Even though she wore a cross around her neck, Mulder didn't assume Scully was religious; and Maggie backed up that assumption in S2's Ascension, explaining, "I gave" [Scully's cross] "to her for her birthday." The religious iconography, then, was a memento of Scully's mother, not of her faith... which becomes particularly telling during her Season 3 and 4 struggles.

Why?

CHILDLIKE FAITH

Scully had a proclivity to believe in the supernatural, the unnatural, and the paranormal before, as she states in Quagmire, "I grew up and became a scientist." Science, then, is a shield against the unexplained: in other words, Scully fears what she can't quantify, so turns to science to deny her problem's existence. "Mulder, it doesn't matter," she insists when he prods about the cause of her cancer; "Mulder what difference would it make?" she rebuts whenever he wanders too far into the realm of hypothesis.

Beyond the Sea and Revelations hit upon the same raw nerve. Luther Lee Boggs preyed upon her repressed doubts, calling her a liar when she denied she believes and telling her that all liars "go to hell." Kevin Kryder was saved only through her acceptance, shall we say, of God's hand working through her. In both cases, religious belief-- be it her father's ghost mouthing The Lord's Prayer or a sweet-smelling saint her partner can't detect-- terrifies her.

Why would it terrify her? Because religion isolated her.

CONFUSION AND ITS ISOLATION

We know Scully has attachment issues. We see them explored in A Christmas Carol when she poured her heart out to the social worker-- admitting she kept her heart largely unattached for fear of losing yet another person in her life-- but we know Scully isn't a detached person, either. We know that Scully's greatest fear was being betrayed by Mulder. That was explored in Wetwired, when she collapsed in her mother's arms, confused and sick at heart. We know that Scully grew more and more isolated in her partnership with Mulder; but she adapted to and respected that isolation after years of professional betrayal.

In regard to religion, why would Scully feel isolated? The Scullys are a religious family: her mother dangled reminders in her life with cross necklaces and priest visits, her father prayed as his soul departed, and Bill buried her daughter in his local church.

Because religion, Scully believed, isolates her from herself.

When Scully changed her course from medical school to the FBI, her parents heavily disapproved. That disapproval heavily affected her, even if Melissa helped her work past her hang-ups, even if Scully chose to reframe her transfer as "an act of rebellion." In truth, Scully found "other fathers" to hitch her wagon to, "rebelling" only when she spotted another patch of grass that promised greener pastures. The FBI patted Scully on the head and encouraged her to sign up (pre-Pilot); Mulder patted her on the head and encouraged her to stick around (Squeeze), Ed Jerse patted her on the head and encouraged her to take a walk on the wild side (Never Again), and Daniel Waterston patted her on the head and encouraged her to come back to him (all things.) Every decision that drew Scully away from an old belief was caused by a single-minded focus on one aspect of herself: her parents' pride and joy as a doctor, Daniel Waterston's pride and joy as his med student, the FBI's pride and joy as a field agent, Mulder's pride and joy as his partner, Ed's pride and joy as his salvation. And in each case, Scully grew isolated and paranoid because she lost touch with herself as a whole; and usually fled (if temporarily) to what she considered a 'freer' freedom.

How does this apply to religion? As a child, Scully was a good little Catholic girl who smiled at her mother's cross gift; but was also a bad little Catholic girl that smoked her mother's cigarettes for attention. In medical school, Scully was a good little med student who preened under her teacher's adoration; but was also a "bad" little Catholic woman who "grew up and became a scientist." Before recruitment, Scully was a good little scientist who fled from Daniel Waterston's deception; but was a "bad" little lapsed Catholic that (unintentionally) broke up a home. In Quantico, she was a good little field agent who learned all her lessons; but was also a "bad" little by-the-books student who openly dated her Academy instructor. And she was a good little partner who helped Mulder investigate impossible cases; but was also a "bad" little scientist for "holding" him "back."

In short, Scully hadn't allowed herself to fully accept the dichotomous nature of humanity. She must either be a good little Catholic girl or be someone who wants to explore her wild side. Until Revelations, she believed one must believe in God or science; and science gave her clearer answers that squelched her anxieties.

But then, Beyond the Sea, One Breath, and Revelations happened. Scully was unable to articulate or fully understand what her experience "beyond" had been in One Breath, only that it wasn't something to fear. It forced her to brush up against sentiments lingering from Beyond the Sea, to begin to admit there was a simmering belief she wasn't ready to acknowledge.

Revelations in particular tossed Scully from agnosticism back to belief-- and, again, she feared that belief. "Afraid that God is speaking; but that no one's listening" was a distancing tactic she acknowledged in Irresistible, a way to separate from the emotions broiling uncontrollably below the surface. But it also revealed how effortlessly Scully slipped back into a belief in God-- and that she equated that belief with missed cues and punishment.

Why did Scully think religion is tied with punishment, and how did that isolate her from her other potential believers?

MOTHER MAGGIE

Maggie is the key.

As discussed above, Scully strove for acceptance from her parents or from "other fathers"; and that played an important role in her journey towards personal growth. But Captain Scully was but one-half of the picture. Scully's father served as the cattle prod for professional approval-- he modeled complete focus on climbing rank and keeping emotional burdens out from plain sight-- while her mother served as an emotional and religious one.

Maggie was the one person she could "always trust" and truly felt safe with in Wetwired. It was her mother she turned to for reassurance in Beyond the Sea, it was her mother's sins she smoked on the porch, it was her mother's gift she continued to wear when science dominated her beliefs. But Maggie has never been particularly stringent herself in her religion-- smoking cigarettes (during a time period when everyone did, but the point remains), believing in supernatural dreams, inviting the unbeliever "Fox" to mourn with the family, embracing her son's successful IVF baby in A Christmas Carol, and celebrating her daughter's out-of-wedlock baby in Essence.

It's what Margaret Scully represented, not Maggie herself, that Scully feared: unquestioning, childlike faith.

Unfortunately, we are never given closure to the dynamic Maggie provided. Other than a brief appearance in S8's Essence-- Scully's unruffled independence and Maggie's confidence in her daughter's confidence-- we're never shown that final conclusion. Alas.

A QUESTIONER AT HEART

Again, Scully couldn't reconcile the dichotomy of human nature with her (flawed) perception of religious "good and evil." Good people who do wrong, she presumed, have faltered and must repent. By that metric, evil people who do right do it for the wrong reasons. Moreover, Scully viewed a faith in God through one lens; and thought that if one did not completely believe in everything they didn't understand-- childlike faith-- then God was "speaking to them; but that no one's listening." That she wasn't listening. And what happens to those that know better but aren't listening? They are punished, because they are evil.

Scully is a questioner at heart; and Scully came to believe that questioning her beliefs, that failing to believe in things she couldn't understand, was tantamount to disbelieving in God. That's why her religious episodes can be difficult to rewatch: when facing an Almighty God, Scully cowered into complete, blind obedience-- "Perhaps that's what faith is"-- before casting off those shackles and fleeing back to denial and avoidance. But she couldn't shirk her belief, deep down, no matter her rationalizations.

A RETURN TO BELIEF, AND LIMBO

Post Revelations, Scully left the matter largely alone, resolving to finds answers to her own questions "because of my own reasons" in Memento Mori-- a courageous step for someone who usually put her own needs second.

However, the doomed inevitability of Elegy-- another agency-robbing experience Scully couldn't explain-- set her back; and she continued dodging both her mother's priest and her partner's complicated questions in Gethsemane. Scully would feel like a coward if she ran to God for strength after her absence, but she would also feel like a heretic if she questioned the nature of God's existence.

Maggie became crucial to the cancer arc narrative: it was she who kept trying to reach her daughter, to show her that God wasn't taking account of what she had or hadn't done, what she did or didn't fully believe. Scully finally cracked in Redux II, begging her mother to explain why she still clings to God but denies him-- part of her inability to understand and quantify that dichotomy-- but Maggie didn't understand what Scully was talking about, and tried to soothe her, instead. Scully ended up clinging to Maggie, clinging to Mulder, clinging to the priest before she clung to God, viewing even Mulder as a truer believer than herself.

Season 5, Fight the Future, and Season 6 left Scully in limbo. (A Christmas Carol and Emily were about her daughter and the supernatural, not her faith or belief in God.)

The series didn't return to this topic until Biogenesis, The Sixth Extinction, and Amor Fati, a three-parter that focused on the possibility of aliens creating Earth (or having a hand in its creation.) This changed the wide interpretation of her religious texts and tossed Scully back into fearful questions and self-doubt. She cried in Amor Fati because she "doesn't know what to believe or who to trust"-- a verbal slip back into that feeling of isolation that drove her from religion in the first place. (Diana Fowley was formerly evil, but she died saving Mulder. Did that make her a good person who did wrong, or an evil person who did something right?) Mulder, transformed from his own experience, gave her courage and became her touchstone, regardless.

The answer Amor Fati underlined is that Scully had yet to believe in redemption: one could repent, she thought, but it wouldn't change who they were as a person. That thinking formed the cornerstone of her "good or evil" foundation and separated her from the capability to falter but not to fail-- to "sin" but to be "redeemed."

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Season 7 sets into motion the culmination of religious journey: Amor Fati (as we already discussed), Orison, and all things.

Orison would have been the perfect followup to Revelations: another demon, another series of supernatural signs that only Scully would understand. However, this time she would fail to put the pieces together, and resort to an action against God's will that would put into question the goodness of her soul. Problems with Orison (that it obliterated Irresistible's message, that its side plots cluttered an already cluttered episode, that Pfaster's "affect" on victims didn't match the reaction Scully experienced) aside, the episode didn't give the audience enough information to explain why Scully believed it was the Devil, not PTSD or a trauma reaction, that forced her hand. However, that was Orison's conclusion.

This, then, set Scully in motion to either follow an path of dark self-doubt or forge a new path of enlightenment. Or both.

We know she took the latter (all things) route, but another episode's potential was wasted in the journey from question to conclusion: En Ami. A road trip with the "the Devil in the flesh" would have been the perfect opportunity for Scully to try to prove the depths of her own goodness: putting her life at risk to obtain the cure for all disease. Scientific altruism and religious redemption combined. It would also prove how well CSM knew her, inside and out: using that lure to bait her away from Mulder (and, hopefully, to his own side.) En Ami could easily have discovered the lengths Scully would go to prove herself and the depths CSM's depravity and justification could sink to. Instead, it became a study in how little CSM understood his unknowing captive, and how little the writers understood why or when Scully chose to leap when told "Jump!"

Regardless, we arrive at all things.

ALL THINGS AND PEACE

all things was about enlightenment and self-love (for Daniel Waterston and his daughter-- also curiously named Maggie-- as well): Scully decides what she wants for her life, which voice she wants to hear. It's also the episode where God spoke back.

all things was a bit of a mixed message, especially considering Scully chose to remain Catholic ("my prayers were answered" in Season 8, lighting the church candles in Season 11, etc.) Gillian's episode had clear Buddhist leanings-- the god of "all things", i.e. the god in all things. God wasn't an active force so much as a peace of mind with the right choice (that choice being Mulder.) But it worked, too-- the ending, especially (which was written with the help of Chris Carter, actually. We'll give him a point for this one.) "Mm, I didn't say 'God spoke back'," Scully corrected, which illustrated that she, at last, straddled the dichotomy of her beliefs: a God that will lead but not directly speak. A God whose signs she chose to follow, not one who punished her if she went another way. "Life's just a path", Melissa told her before she ever stepped foot in the FBI (canonically after the Daniel Waterston debacle we return to in all things); and that message wound back around and stuck, seven plus years later.

But why did all things break Scully's fear of isolation through her beliefs (or religion, at large?) Her flawed perception of her mother's God was reworked, with Mulder as Maggie Scully's stand-in: God became a god of "all things", an entity that not only allowed her to make her own choices, ask her own questions, and harbor her own doubts, but also gave her space to decide and time to return.

That reframing of God then helped her to reframe humanity. Mulder came back from a wasted weekend trip to England, empty-handed; yet she simply guided him home, made him tea, and contentedly listened to him ramble about theories she might not fully believe. Scully no longer felt the need to combat his beliefs or justify her own: she knew, now, what she believed, and that was enough. (As an aside, The Unnatural and all things both end on the same note-- Mulder coming to an epiphany and long-windedly spelling it out until he realizes Scully already knows. Interesting.)

CONCLUSION

And thus, we have concluded Scully's journey of faith.

Any further point canon tried to make was simply a retread of better, more complicated resolutions.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

[stealingpotatoes]

just watched mando s3 it’s great that we TOTALLY had a whole season about din coming to grips with being mand’alor & life without grogu and about dueteragonist bo-katan coming to realise she was only trying to lead mand’alor bc of her sister not bc she thought she was the best leader. and the whole season centred around the theme of accepting who you really are even if you’re certain you’re something else and was about how heroes and leaders can come from anywhere, they don’t have to come from a special bloodline (a sorta thesis against the skywalker saga) and about the uniting power of grief and oppression. isn’t it great we had that instead of a season with no plot 

isn’t it great that there were no mando cameos in tbobf and mando season 3 started with him on a bounty, cringefailing at using the darksaber and stabbing himself but he did the job and got paid in a nubian starfighter (he wanted a razor crest but he’s injured so he doesnt argue much) which he then used to find his covert on the canyon planet. then he revealed to the armorer and paz that he had the darksaber which after some time leads to paz duelling din for the saber (without telling the others bc they dont know din has it) and din wins but its revealed he took his helmet off. he’s made apostate IN FRONT OF EVERYONE (EVERYONE!!) with only one IMPOSSIBLE chance of redemption (nobody can go to mandalore anymore!!) and has to leave and now has nothing — no child, no clan. so he does the only thing he can think to and goes to a green planet we’ve never seen before. he lands safely but still injured from his fight with Paz and not fully healed from the original injury he passes out. and the episode ends with a kid running over and telling another kid to call master skywalker

and sure episode 2 was the fanservice episode but its disney! we have to expect a marketable plushie cameo episode — except of course that didn’t mean it wasn’t plot relevant! din wakes up and we realise he’s at luke’s jedi academy and this is great n stuff we finally get to see luke in his prime teaching a whole bunch of students! and we get to see grogu happy and having fun with his kind (which makes din happy but miss his own covert). luke notices din has a saber himself (despite it being well-hidden — luke can sense it) and din admits he can’t use it and that he doesnt think it even belongs to him while luke shows him saber forms (but pretends its for his own training and not din’s bc din refuses to learn). they have a discussion and din reveals he came here bc he got kicked out and has no way to redeem himself bc there are no mines left and even then the planet’s poisonous. luke spouts some jedi stuff asking din if he’s certain and says blind certainty is the enemies of hope and progress or whatever (setting up the larger theme of identity certainty in the season). luke also points out that if they imps r there then they have to have some way of getting around the environment they caused. inspired and knowing grogu is safe here, din is ready to go redeem himself on mandalore. he says he’ll come to see grogu again and luke makes it clear that while attachments can’t get in front of duty, din is always welcome here <3 

episode 3 of course had din go to the ruins of mandalore to redeem himself, inspired by luke’s words about certainty he goes to the ruins of sundari, where he knows there was once living waters (the other option is the one surviving and imperial-controlled city, but he’s not that dumb). also bc the imps only hang around the cities so that must be where it's survivable. there’s some imperials about the edge of the city (not many) and he does have to subtly fight them but he gets spotted. he wins but he’s panicking bc during the fight his breathing system got hit but then he notices a plant growing. and he realises he’s not dying — the air isn’t poisonous anymore or whatever! so he turns off his failing life support and goes to the city. he explores the city and finds many remnants of mandalorian culture there in the small parts that survived. ash-covered murals, mostly-burnt toys, something that could have once been a palace. he finds a memorial to a duchess satine kryze and thinks huh like bo katan? (because of course the show wouldn’t ignore bo’s motivations) anyway after some slow but meaningful exploring (its quietness eerie, unlike the quietness of the previous stealth section) he manages to make his way below the city. he finds the mines, reads the inscription and then goes in. except of course its no longer shallow and he falls and he falls and he realises well fuck he’s gonna die. his life support got hit earlier and he doesnt have his jetpack he’s going to sink. but then in the darkness, a great looming eye opens and before din knows it, SOMETHING is throwing him out that sinking water. it had to have been a freak current right? he was hallucinating. surely a MYTHOSAUR didn’t just save him… those are all dead, only to return with a new age of mandalore! he shakes his head, ignores it, and collects the water with something new to bring to his people

episode 4 reintroduced us to old fan favourite bo katan in her depression girl era bc din shows up to her empty palace ready to help her take back mandalore… only to find her in a depression pit and— oh my god is she drunk??! she drops that her ppl left her bc she didn’t have the darksaber and din’s looking at the depression pit like. right. bc of the darksaber. he briefly tries to convince her to fight him for it but she’s like no you’ll throw the fight it won’t be true comba— oh no! explosion nearby bc looks like din wasn’t as careful as he thought and the imperials followed him to bo’s place so both of them have to fucking skeet outta there and bo’s home’s destroyed so din’s like hey come on let’s go to my people we can take back mandalore with them or smthn. so they head back to the covert, din reveals he’s no longer apostate and that mandalore isnt cursed it’s breathable + you can successfully walk on the surface now. this is however interrupted by a beast showing up and trying to kill some ppl. it almost kills paz’s son but din kills the beast first in his starfighter. anyway back to the conversation (now within the cave) and din’s trying to convince his clan that they can take back mandalore (with bo as leader) but none of them want to follow her or risk what few numbers they have left. dejected, din and bo make to leave again, but paz follows them out and is like ?? din you literally have the darksaber why didn’t you use it to get at least SOME of them to follow you and din’s like i don’t want people to follow me bc of a legend, if they follow me it has to be bc they want to and paz and bo r internally like wow damn. anyway paz then says he’ll always fight w din if needed bc he saved his son but if he wants the people to follow him they should try get some of the other clans to help so it looks less dangerous. so bo and din leave on their quest. also throughout this episode, we’re introduced to some random civilian in the reintegration program. its implied they worked with gideon and that they’re preparing for something, but we don’t get much more than that. 

episode 5 is the bo episode, this is where we explore her character, have her arc, and ya know really cover her motivations (bc disney would NEVER make it so her motivation is invisible unless you’d seen two other tv shows). din and bo head to where her clan is. they just want to see the clan but they end up being dragged into a b-plot about helping the local pacifist duchess (& duke). din tries to say no but bo-katan says smthn abt diplomacy. this quest initially doesn’t seem plot relevant but throughout bo opens up about her own pacifist duchess sister and she comes to realise how much of this quest has been about trying to live up to satine and not bc she thinks herself the best mand’alor. the thing she said abt diplomacy earlier, she reveals, is just a quote from her sister. anyway they’re finally able to go to bo’s old clan and she, now reinvigorated in accepting and knowing who she is and what she wants (no longer depression girl) challenges axe for leadership of the clan. she wins and in a speech is like we’re gonna retake unpoisonous mandalore by uniting the clans!! most agree but theyre like HOW are we supposed to convince the other clans? and it descends into insane yelling UNTIL a low hum and a black-white light falls over the group. silence falls. everyone looks on. high above his head, din is holding the darksaber (proudly!!) and he’s like we’ll unite them with this. but axe has to constantly be chatting shit and getting up from the floor where he got his ass whipped he’s like really???? you wanna follow him???? he doesn’t even have any mandalorian blood in him!!! and bo makes a great speech about blood doesn’t make a good leader what makes a good leader is knowing when to use your power. and then she’s like he is my mand’alor amen and kneels before him. everyone else follows and din awkwardly stands there still not fully accepting his role 

episode 6 was the great prep episode. we start with din and bo helping and getting a new tribe on their side and heading back to Concordia we realise they’ve got this HUGEEEE war camp of mandalorians!! there are so many clans with them now (except one, which din is really missing)!!!!! this episode mostly focuses on mandalorian culture and them training/ planning and din and bo trying to keep the clans from biting each other’s heads off. but this is interrupted when a small group of imperials try to pre-attack them (like they did w bo’s palace) but the mandos all manage to fight back and take them down, which then leads to a whole speech from din and bo about how mandalorians are all fighting but theyre united now in their grief and with this they can fight the empire. the b-plot of the episode comes back to that random civilian from episode 4 and whoomp turns out their plan was to BREAK MOFF GIDEON OUT OF JAIL!! shitttt!!!! oh no!! he’s back now, that’s gonna make their very decent plan to take back mandalore harder but they dont knowww (irony!)

episodes 7 and 8 were the battle of mandalore, woo! it had to be two episodes because it’s a taking whole occupied planet and not a single base, a pretty damn difficult task that definitely can’t be done by two single clans in like 40 minutes! there’s all those mini tiny bases scattered throughout the planet on the ruins (like din encountered in episode 3) AND more importantly there’s the one domed city that the imperials kept alive as their main base — which means they have to be careful, bc they can’t do any sort of aerial assault or great deal of damage to the imperials without also destroying the one surviving place for them to live. so the plan is smaller strike teams to go the bases plopped around the planet as a distraction and to stop reinforcements to the city while the main force surround the city and take it. the first city team (with din and bo) has to open up all the ports and stuff to allow the HUGE armies to get in. unfortunately this is in the main imp base in the centre of the city so they have to get there. (they’d prefer 2 strike teams but they can only spare 1) MOST of the mini-bases r meanwhile being successfully captured. the strike team gets to the centre to de-activate the port shielding n stuff and GASP! IT’S GIDEON!! FROM JAIL!! and he’s surrounded by fucking MANDO STORMTROOPERS and IN BESKAR ARMOUR oh no!! ambush!! he knew they’d have to go here to allow a full-scale assault! the small strike team at sundari also gets captured bc there were some mandotroopers there (they increased security post episode 3). episode 7 ends on a cliffhanger bc all seems lost and the strike team’s surrounded 

episode 8 starts straight off the cliffhanger and oh no they’re all gonna die gasp WHEN BAM fighting noises elsewhere, everyone’s confused, when paz’s voice crackles over din’s comm like hey bro! BC DIN’S CLAN FINALLY SHOWED UP TO HELP AND THEY WERE ABLE TO MAKE THAT SECOND STRIKE TEAM and in the confusion din & bo’s team take out the mandotroopers, gideon gets away. din and paz and the armorer come face to face and paz calls him mand’alor or smthn bc he’s also accepted it and they’re like woo let’s go now we can fight fr!! din heads to help lead the battle ig but bo’s like nah i have to end gideon for what he did to our planet. and din’s like well he’s wearing beskar armour so you’ll need this and gives her his beskar spear WHICH IS SYMBOLIC BC he’s finally giving up his other weapon and is going to solely use the darksaber!! he’s accepted who he is and is going to lead their ppl!! so yeah instead of having din fight gideon, who he already beat once, bo fights him and its incredibly cathartic. at sundari that strike team who got captured is also not looking great but MYTHOSAUR EX MACHINA COMES AND FUCKS UP THE IMPERIALS THERE (its returned!!). so big battle and gideon’s down and the darksaber DOESN’T get destroyed yay! afterwards they all vibe and they go to the forge and the armorer relights it and they proclaim din mand’alor fr and he accepts it and throne. sure he's still a BIT uneasy (mand'alor the reluctant anyone?) but he's not saying NOO now loll. yayyy!! AND THEN final scene is din returns to the jedi academy like hii thanks for ur advice u were right being blindly certain abt stuff is meh and leaves no room for hope. uh could i show grogu mandalore i promise i’ll bring him right back and it ends on din showing grogu the planet finally bc thats cute and fanservice

anyway isn’t it great this is exactly what happened, it’s all canon and definitely not the stealingpotatoes sequels canon continuity rewrite! 

[watcheraurora]

Deepfrost Pass

More than a little inspired by @/mellozheist's want to give credit but not bother with my shipping nonsense so no tag unfinished Let It Go Tango animatic that I was watching... but as always I've got Rancher brainrot on my brain... have fun! 3.2k words

—

"Absolutely not," Grian snapped. "No. Not happening. You can't."

"Try and stop me," Jimmy challenged. "You're not a Watcher here."

"I am a Watcher here, but my powers are limited. Not gone. And I say no."

"Well I say yes. And you won't stop me." Jimmy shoved Grian out of the way of the door. "It's your fault anyway."

Grian's wings went rigid. "Excuse me?" he demanded, voice cold.

"It's your fault!" Jimmy retorted. "If you hadn't made that stupid server—"

"If I hadn't made that stupid server, you two wouldn't ever have met the way you did!" Grian spat back. "You wouldn't ever have known him like this if it weren't for me. If anything, you should be thanking me."

"I am grateful to you for that. But only that. The rest? Yeah, I do blame you for."

"If you go there, you'll die."

Jimmy shoved his arms into his coat. "That's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Tim—" Grian's hand lashed out and caught Jimmy's wrist. "Even I can't—and I'm a Watcher—It's just—there are nearly ten wardens in there. They've taken him over. He left for a reason. Can't you just—"

Jimmy shook Grian's hand off. "No. I can't 'just.' I know you think that whatever he found up there corrupted him or possessed him. I think you're wrong. That server was awful to him in a way he wasn't prepared for. I can take being the butt of jokes. I'm used to it. He never handled betrayal well and put on such a brave face that no one noticed. He snapped. And I'm don't care. I'm going to see him. I'm not here for very long before I'm going to get kicked."

"Tim, don't be stupid—"

"That's me. Stupid, stupid Tim," Jimmy spat. His wings snapped open and he hurled himself into the sky.

Grian was a fantastic flyer. He was small and nimble and could maneuver incredibly well. But he couldn't hold a candle to the raw power and strength of Jimmy's massive wings. That was what came from their height difference and builds. Jimmy was built for strength and speed. Most real canaries weren't, but he wasn't an actual bird, for crying out loud.

His armor barely even weighed him down as he surged higher into the sky. Grian would never be able to catch up. In small areas with lots of obstacles, Grian would win a race any day. But wide open sky going in a straight line? He'd have to work extra hard to keep up with Jimmy's casual flight.

He flapped his wings and soared higher. The world dropped even farther below. He knew this would be a long flight—hours, probably—but he would make it most of the way on the wing. Then the last leg of the journey on foot. He was prepared. He knew what he was doing.

He hoped.

All sorts of landscapes passed by beneath him. For hours. Gradually lifting up from plains into hills into foothills. Until he was in a taiga. Nearing the tundra tree line. Mountains surged up from the ground ahead of him, and he'd have to gain more altitude to access the pass between two of them that he needed. His wings beat the air harder, lifting him up until the air was almost too thin to cushion his wings and keep him aloft.

Jimmy flew until frost started to crystallize on his feathers. He knew he wouldn't be able to get any closer via flight, so he tilted into a sharp dive and braked hard, landing with a crunch of his leather boots in the deep snow. He pulled his coat tighter around him and drew his wings in close. They were so long that they dragged through the snow behind him. And they took the bite of this cold mountain range the most. But he couldn't let himself care about that.

He pulled a Blaze Rod out of his inventory and held it in one hand, a torch in the other. The Blaze Rod lit the torch and both helped keep him warm as he trudged up the mountain. He knew he couldn't be far now. The sun was going down. Mobs were going to start spawning soon.

He ate as he hiked. A golden carrot styled to look like a churro every so often. Scar had insisted he take them, so he had.

The sun went down. A full moon began to emerge over the mountain peaks. Jimmy caught sight of it when he was between peaks. There was no path to where he was going. Just the ever-worsening cold to lead him on. But he felt the direction in his heart.

So when he rounded the mountain and saw the fortress, he wasn't sure how to feel.

The thing was massive. Dark stone and teal accents. Grey-black towers clawed at the midnight-blue sky, as though trying to feed the stars to the gaping, frowning mouth partway up the enormous central tower. A warden's mouth.

The doorway was open, the portcullis raised.

Who needed security like that in a place like this? When the dangerous stuff was inside?

Jimmy stared.

The Deepfrost Citadel.

Blood. Pain. Screaming. Tango's yellow fire hair simmering down, blazing back up with the ice-blues and teals of soul fire. His friends' betrayals still lingering in his heart. The rage never fully going away, just pretending it was gone...

Jimmy still had some of Tango's memories. He remembered waking up in the middle of the night in Tumble Town, not too long after he first settled there after Double Life had ended, to Tango's screams in his nightmares. He remembered waking up months ago to a message from Grian, panicking that Tango had retreated into the mountains and no one had seen nor heard from him since.

Tango had even avoided him when he'd crossed over into Jimmy's world. Jimmy had rebuilt their ranch and everything. Tango promised it was his home. And then he spent all his time down in Gobland, too absorbed in work to... to ever... to ever come home.

A tear slid down Jimmy's face, trying to freeze but so hot that it made his skin tingle from the contact.

He trudged closer to the citadel.

Fine. If Tango was going to go back to his cave and his castle since returning home to Hermitcraft, then Jimmy was going to go to him.

He made it into the maw of the open doorway and shook off. Snow fell off his hair, wings, and the shoulders of his coat. His sheriff clothes were designed for the broiling heat of the mesa. They were thick and protective, but lightweight to release body heat.

Not a good idea for this taiga. He was freezing.

He climbed a long, dark staircase into a semi-constructed great hall.

"Tango?" he called. His voice echoed to the towers above him.

He heard the humming of a warden, coming from somewhere deep below. Just that sound alone made his blood run cold.

"Tango!" he called louder.

Something moved in the shadows cast by the soul fires. He whirled, expecting a warden or a ravager.

Nothing.

He held the Blaze Rod closer to his chest and extinguished the torch, tucking it back in his inventory. The lack of its warmth made his wings shiver. "Tango. Is that you?" he asked quieter. "Tango, please."

The movement was a shadow itself. Humanoid in shape, but nothing more than silhouette. It pointed, dodged to another shadow, and pointed again. Jimmy followed. "Tango, is that you?" Jimmy asked more urgently.

The shadow shook its head. Pointed again. Flitted to another shadow. Pointed. Jimmy followed its path.

A hole in the wall that led to a hole in the ground. The shadow briefly appeared, pointed down, and vanished.

Jimmy looked down apprehensibly. He didn't see any water... but there was a water elevator right next to this drop. Obviously a way up and down to somewhere.

Trusting in Tango, trusting in whatever they'd been on that first Ranch, hearts and souls in each other's hands, he closed his eyes and stepped off the drop, pulling his wings in tight so they wouldn't smash into anything or break and holding the Blaze Rod to his chest.

He landed on powdered snow, covered in a carpet square. It absorbed the damage of his fall. He ducked low to clear his wings and stepped out.

He was in a storage room. The walls were lined with rows and rows and columns and columns of chests. It was a remarkably compact storage room, all things considered. He'd seen the incredibly complex, sprawling system behind the doors of Scar's shop fronts in his theme park. That was huge. This was just chests. All shoved against one another. A Nether portal droned off to his left. And beside it, an archway that led out into a huge open cavern. Jimmy stood on the edge of the storage room's packed mud brick floor and looked out, his wings extending slightly behind him.

The cavern wasn't just some empty hole. It was filled with an unfathomably complicated web of redstone, all woven around structures. Jimmy couldn't make heads or tails of any of it.

This kind of area is where Grian's flying skills would be more beneficial than his. Jimmy could fly around in here, but he'd smack into every wall and track of redstone he came across. He couldn't maneuver anywhere near as well. This was an obstacle course dream for Grian.

Jimmy unfurled his wings and launched into the cavern, trying to keep his ridiculously long wingspan as close to himself as he could while still staying airborne while he flew around, searching the structures and the web of redstone.

"Tango?" he called. His voice echoed around the structure. He wondered if, for a moment, he actually saw that shadow running through the darkness alongside him. Or if he was losing it.

He heard giggling. Tango's distinct giggle. He pulled up short and banked in a circle, looking around.

"Hmhm! Dungeon's making me hear my birdie," Tango said in his high-pitched, silly voice. Sounding... slightly manic.

A firework rocket shot off. Jimmy heard the snapping of Elytra membranes. He looked around—

And caught sight of Tango flying back toward the storage room, a shulker box in hand. Jimmy twisted sharply and shot after him, catching his wings on tracks of powered and activator rails. He grunted in pain at the impacts.

When he finally made it back to the storage room, Tango was kneeling in front of a ground-level chest, rifling through it. He had a black hood on, attached to the long black coat he'd worn on Jimmy's world. The one that had spawned on him in Jimmy's nightmare when he snapped and his yellow fire hair had turned blue. The nightmare where the wardens broke through the ground at Tango's command and attacked the other Hermits who tried to contain them—and him—before he retreated up Deepfrost Pass and churned out his fortress.

He was singsonging under his breath as he moved materials from the chest into the shulker box. "Just keep workin'. Do the buildy-buildy. We'll show them. We'll show 'em all when I watch Ravagers munch their faces off. Especially Bdubs."

He shuffled over, popping another shulker box onto the ground and filling it with contents of another chest.

Jimmy just watched for a few moments.

"Gotta finish. Have to. Can't wait to feed the Hermits to the wardens."

Jimmy crept closer. He set a hand on Tango's shoulder. "Tango," he said gently.

"Wah-ga-gah!" Tango exclaimed, whirling around with his coat flaring around him. His hood fell off, revealing soul-fire hair. And, for just a moment, black eyes. But the black disappeared, and they were back to blue with deep blue sclera. He started laughing. "Very funny, Decked Out!" he called toward the cavern of structures and redstone. "Making me hallucinate Jimmy isn't going to speed things up, you know!"

"Tango, I—I'm not a hallucination," Jimmy said, tightening his grip on Tango's shoulder. The coat was so thick, he couldn't feel Tango's muscle giving underneath.

Tango leaned closer conspiratorially and winked. "That's what a hallucination would say," he said playfully. He turned back to his materials and kept shoveling them over into the shulker box.

"No, I'm not. Tango—" Jimmy grabbed Tango's shoulders and spun him around. "Look at me. I'm really here. I flew most of the way here and hiked the rest. I had to come see you. I had to—you—I miss you. I've barely seen you since our home worlds collided. You never came home to Tumble Town. The only reason I came through the Rift was to spend more time with you, and I've barely seen you since I've been here. You just left. What did I do, Tango? What have I done to warrant you avoiding me?"

Tango tried to turn back around, but Jimmy held him firm.

Tango blinked. Something like clarity sharpened in his eyes. "You're really here," he said.

"Yes. I'm here. I'm not some illusion or hallucination."

"I thought... the dungeon..." Tango looked out to the cavern, then back to Jimmy. Somewhere deep below, a warden hummed and sniffed. Jimmy's wings shivered. Tango's eyes snapped back to his. "I have to finish Decked Out. The dungeon needs to be whole."

Jimmy knelt so he and Tango were nearly at eye-level, still holding the shoulders of the coat. A glassy look made Tango's eyes unfocus.

"The others... they tried to stop me from leaving. But they've already held me back for so long. Bdubs betrayed me. We were teammates. He stabbed me in the back. He was no match for my wardens. Grian thought he was some almighty eldritch creature. But six wings are just more targets to get blastificated. Even Etho—the original!—was powerless to stop me when I finally let go of everything I'd used to hold myself back."

"Tango. Can you find it in yourself to forgive your friends?" Jimmy ran a hand through Tango's soul fire hair. It burned his skin in a way he wasn't used to. Soul fire was hotter than normal fire, but back when they were SoulBound, Tango's fire hadn't even been able to burn Jimmy's skin.

Tango bared his sharp teeth. His hair blazed brighter, higher, and hotter. Jimmy leaned away.

"Tango," Jimmy said soothingly. Repeating his name over and over to remind him who he was. To remind him he was a person. He cupped the side of Tango's face. "Look at me. Look at my eyes." He waited until Tango did. "Can you?"

Tango grumbled under his breath. Bitter and sarcastic.

"Hey. Remember when we first met? In Third Life? And I died to your lava game?"

"Dare to Flare," Tango said automatically.

"That's right. Do you remember when we met again in Double Life? After the creeper?"

Tango's voice pitched up. "You were angry."

"I wasn't," Jimmy said. "Not at you. Just that I'd lost the resources I'd gathered. It had nothing to do with you. And you were always so kind to me. I'm used to everyone putting me on the short end of the joke. You never did. You were a little sarcastic with me, sure. But you always put yourself at the short end of the joke. But you were kind to me. You're one of the only people who ever treated me with unconditional respect as a person, all the time. It's why I..." Jimmy cleared his throat. His wings twitched and ruffled. "It's why I fell for you, so fast."

Tango blinked, slow, like a cat. His head tilted into the contact of Jimmy's hand.

"You saw, while we lived on the Ranch, how everyone else treats me. I'm used to it. I encourage it. If they have to be mean to someone, they should be mean to me. I can take it. But you... you were never anything but loyal. Not just to me. To your team. And you got nothing in return but betrayal. You and me—we really feel our emotions. We pretend we don't, but we do. Our emotions are big and deep. The good, and the bad. Maybe it's why we got put together." Jimmy bent closer and rested his forehead to Tango's. "We have to learn to let the bad slide off, once we've felt it. You have to forgive the other Hermits. You have to let go of the rage."

Tango took a deep breath. "I... I can't."

"Please? Just try. For me?"

Tango reached up and wrapped cold hands around the back of Jimmy's neck, lacing his fingers together. "Birdie..."

"I'm only asking you to try. Breathe with me, and thing about letting it go."

"I'll try."

They shared deep breaths. Trying to tune out the wardens deep below. "Thank your emotions for keeping you safe, and release them," Jimmy whispered.

They knelt on the floor of the storage room for what felt like a long time. Just breathing and quietly encouraging Tango to forgive and let go. Jimmy kept quietly whispering affirmations he used to tell himself when he was learning not to mind the jokes.

A warden screamed somewhere below.

Tension surged out of Tango's shoulders and he slumped forward.

Jimmy caught him, cradling him to his chest. "I got you. It's okay. It's okay. You're fine." He rocked them both, his wings encircling them in a gold shield of protection. "What was that? Why did that warden...? Was Grian right? Were the wardens' influence bleeding into you?"

Tango shook his head against Jimmy's heart. "No. Other way around. My pain was bleeding into them. Wardens are mourners. They were mourning for me. But you're right. I can let it go."

Jimmy smiled. "That's it. Exactly."

There was a long pause. "I do still have to finish this game though. I've been working on it for so long—I can't just stop now."

"No, I know. But let it be just that. A game. Not a vessel for revenge or a channel for betrayal. Just a game."

"I can do that," Tango said. "Or. Well. I can try, anyway."

"That's all you need to do. Just try. Because there's merit in trying. And eventually, trying can pay off. Next thing you'll know, you'll be doing."

"Yeah... yeah. I can do that."

Jimmy kissed the top of Tango's head. The soul fire hair didn't burn him. "That's all I ask." He pulled back a little. "Come up with me? Outside? Come see the sky, please? The sun went down, but the stars are beautiful this far from everyone else. It's so dark and high altitude up here. They're beautiful."

"Okay."

Jimmy smiled. "Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay!"

"Come with me!" Jimmy pulled Tango toward the water elevator.

[shouldering-worlds]

I love writing academically about my silly little queer dads <3

cant wait to talk about how dan was made into a token gay by youtube <3

[ploncc]

Writing fanfic is dangerous. Every idea is like, is this going to be a drabble? A double drabble? A one shot? A chapfic? Am I going to get 30k into an idea I swore would be a tenth that length? Is it going to turn into an ongoing 200k+ fic that I will continue to sporadically update until my deathbed? Am I going to get 20k into it and then lose all interest forever? Is the horrible demon in my brain going to go, "Hey, you could make an original idea out of this with some minor worldbuilding changes and an extended plot," when I'm only 2.5k through the first part of it? Am I then going to feel the need to extensively debate over the merits of the idea as a fic given the meta of the fandom versus the merits of writing it as an original idea and the added freedom to chase the idea where it wanders? What about any effects of censorship standards for published fiction on the idea versus the freedom of publishing a fic through something like Ao3 and the much more lax DL;DR standards in fandom? Oh hey look, another idea—

[atsoomi]

When you first see Sakusa, it’s at a regular coffee shop.

He stands tall, intimidatingly towering over other people as he reads the menu with a disgruntled expression. You take notice of him while you wait for your usual drink, and you can tell you’re going to think about the attractive stranger at your favorite coffee shop for weeks.

His mask conceals most of his face, but his eyes catch your attention. The striking pools of onyx scan the menu rapidly as he seems to lose patience, his frown growing more by the second.

You don’t stare at him for longer than five minutes, knowing that you wouldn’t be able to overcome the embarrassment of being caught. But the outline of his figure burns in your mind as you turn to follow the worker who’s making your drink, a Mari who you’ve befriended during the frequent visits to this shop.

You think about whether he’s just having a bad day or if he’s always like this, whether he’s going to order from here or not, whether he’s ordering for just himself or others as well— friends or a girlfriend. Or someone he just likes, no tags.

You don’t hear the sound of someone approaching you over the sound of your own thoughts; in fact, you don’t even notice his presence over your shoulder until he clears his throat.

Turning to face him, you feel caught. Your cheeks warm in embarrassment, as if he could hear all the obsessive thoughts you were having about him. He stares at you blankly, and you realize his eyes are not only nicer up close, but also sharper. Being close to him also allows you to take notice of his other features— like his moles, the curve of his eyebrows, his cupid’s bow.

He leans down to your level, still keeping a safe distance like you’re carrying an infectious disease. Must be a germaphobe, you think. Getting the hint, you turn your ear to him.

“Do they add nuts to every drink on the menu?”

His voice is pleasantly deep and the whisper-tone makes him insanely attractive to you, but he asks the question with such genuine distress that you have to suppress a giggle. You turn your head back slightly to face him with a smile.

“Yeah, they’re big on the nuts thing. If you’re not a fan, you can ask them to not add nuts to your order, that’s what I do.”

He nods, still seemingly unsure, and you reflexively continue talking.

“But the coffee is really good, trust me, it makes up for the nut craze.” He stares at you with a blank expression, “trust you?”

You pale slightly, feeling like you’ve overstepped with the friendliness. But thankfully, Mari comes up to the counter, chiming in with your drink. “Here’s your usual,” she chirps as she hands you the straw.

You smile thankfully at her and she gives you a questioning look as her eyes shift between you and the tall stranger. She smiles slyly at you and you ignore her as you grab your cup.

“Well, uh, it’s up to you really.” You turn to him one more time, “You��d be the one missing out after all.”

And then you’re out the door as fast as you can. When Mari calls you that night, she’s disappointed to say the least, but she provides you with crucial information: he ended up asking for whatever you had.

The second time you see him, it’s on the court.

You learn that the guy you crushed on in a coffee shop is actually the outside hitter for MSBY Black Jackals, Sakusa Kiyoomi. Mari, who sits next to you during the game, nearly screams when she recognizes him.

She jokes about how you could’ve asked for his autograph or became a micro celebrity by dating him if you had a single romantic bone in your body; you tell her you have plenty of romantic bones in your body but he was just too intimidating.

The teasing goes on throughout the game as you both continue to be completely oblivious to the volleyball game around you. The tickets to this game weren’t cheap, and if Mari didn’t beg you to accompany her because her cousin plays for one of the teams and bought her tickets, you would’ve never found yourself seated at the front row of a volleyball game.

Granted, it’s one of the least violent sports and it’s entertaining to watch for a while. But you just couldn’t be any less interested in adult men throwing a ball around.

This game, however, seems to be much more interesting to you. Whether that’s because Sakusa is unreasonably gorgeous on court, or because Mari makes really entertaining comments on the game, you couldn’t really be sure. But watching Sakusa play was a life altering experience, you’d think about him in those shorts for months to come.

Your eyes follow him the whole time; you take notice of all his physical assets and find yourself giggling like a schoolgirl with Mari about all the athletes’ physical builds by the end of the game. She teases you about having a favorite and you can’t find anything to say in denial.

When the game ends, you’re almost disappointed that you can’t watch Sakusa in action anymore.

Later, when you’re standing outside the huge stadium as Mari talks to her cousin, you spot Sakusa’s team celebrating their win, circulating around him like a tornado. He stands in the middle of the chaos rigidly, and his ability to not crack a single smile around such cheery people astonishes you. You smile to yourself at the thought of how practice goes for the team if this is how it was when they won.

While MSBY’s blond setter (you were too focused on Sakusa during the game to catch anybody else's name) is aggressively throwing an arm around him, speaking loudly over the others, his eyes fleetingly meet yours. Your throat constricts at the brief eye contact and you reflexively stand up straight. When his teammate has moved on from annoying him, he looks back at you, and this time, the stare lingers.

He’s so intimidating and yet so breathtaking to you— standing in the middle of his friends, he seems to stick out like a sore thumb. You wonder if there’s any emotion behind his stare, if he’s judging you or if he thinks that you’re hideous and that you coming to his game is an insult— or if he finds you pretty and intriguing the way you do him.

You wonder about his dating history and his type of woman.

Before you’re too far gone in the land of delusion, Mari is back with a wide grin and mischief written all over her face.

“You should really talk to mr.loverboy at one point. I’d like to attend a wedding once in my life.”

You laugh at her as you both walk to your car. Turns out both of you are already too far gone in the land of delusion.

The third time you see him, you’re not doing too well.

The walls of Onigiri Miya are terribly familiar to you because you find yourself in the same spot every few weeks. In your mid-twenties, you’ve discovered that one of the few things that lighten the burden of existence is food— good food, something that the gracious Osamu Miya always offers at his shop.

While the world constricts around you, the place offers you the kind of comfort that only a warm meal could. Your stomach is full even if your heart feels empty, and that makes you feel a bit better.

Your monthly breakdowns at the onigiri restaurant aren’t new to you.

What you didn’t plan for, however, is the unfamiliar voice that calls your name.

You push your head off the table with a grunt to look at the caller and you’re, once more, facing the beautiful stranger that you stumbled across in a coffee shop— Sakusa Kiyoomi.

His eyes widen slightly at your face and you suddenly feel self-conscious, you don’t particularly look your best on a night like this. Out of all the times to actually meet him. The surprise on your face must have offended him because his expression reverts to his usual frown.

He stands rigidly with his hands in the pockets of his coat. His mask is pulled down for a change and you finally see the rest of his face at a closer distance; if you weren’t in emotional shambles, you’d be much more thrilled right now.

His frown is heavy as he looks at you, almost like frowning helps him think.

But before either of you have the time to think, the blond setter from the game you went to barges in on your moment and casually swings an arm around Sakusa’s shoulder. Sakusa shoots him a deathly glare but he doesn’t waver. Must be pretty good friends, you think.

“Hey omi-kun, who’s your little friend?” he asks, eyeing you with growing interest, a crooked grin on his face.

“She’s not my friend miya, get your arm off my shoulder.” Sakusa grumbles as he attempts to shake the blond’s arm off, but it stays planted on his shoulder firmly as they begin to bicker like an old married couple. Yeah, definitely good friends, you smile to yourself despite the gloomy cloud hanging over your head.

You realize that the guy Sakusa not-so-affectionately called Miya looked similar to Osamu, and you vaguely remember Osamu mentioning a brother before— a twin to be exact. The puzzle pieces come together and you’re amazed at the way fate connects people. The restaurant you visit frequently is owned by the twin brother of Sakusa’s teammate.

How many times did you come close to meeting?

Osamu comes out of the kitchen and the bickering evolves into sibling arguments as you zone out in the corner. The familial scene with Sakusa in the middle makes you bite back a smile, who thought that something so silly could be so entertaining? And entertaining enough to distract you from the things weighing you down.

The blond twin suddenly turns to you and you instinctively flinch, realizing you’re about to become part of the conversation unwillingly.

“Are we annoying you, doll?” he asks.

You hesitantly shake your head and the blond jumps to grab a paper bag out of Osamu’s hands, “See?” Osamu gives him a blank look, “you literally pressured her.”

“Did not. Now come on Omi-kun, we’ve got places to be. Everyone must be starving.” You turn to look at Sakusa (Omi-kun, as you know him now), only just realizing that he’s standing closer to you than before.

He gives the blond a stare that you’re oblivious to, and they share a moment of silent communication. Osamu looks between them and momentarily at you, seeming to understand something you don’t.

The blond twin, whose name you still haven’t discovered , slowly smirks at you with recognition. “Oh yes, I’ll go ahead. Don’t take too long now Omi.”

Then he’s out of the door, and Osamu retires to the kitchen with a knowing smile. You wonder what secret they were sharing in front of you.

Now that it’s just you and Sakusa in a nearly empty restaurant so late at night, the realness of the situation hits you like a cold gust of wind. You slowly turn your face towards him only to find him already looking at you.

Unsurely, you smile politely at him. He doesn’t return it, but he doesn’t seem like the kind to anyways. Instead, he drags the chair across from you back and plops down in front of you. The fact that you’re sitting across from the mysterious attractive guy you saw in that coffee shop is surreal.

His face finally relaxes and you notice how much prettier he looks when he’s not frowning. In this state, you don’t find it in yourself to look away from him. The dim lights of the shop illuminate his face and he’s almost god-like with his pushy brows and sharp eyes.

He seems okay with the attention you’re giving him, and you’re not sure if it’s the midnight paranoia but you swear his cheeks go pink at one point.

You’re too engrossed in admiring his physical features to notice how he hesitates to talk.

“You’re.. are.. are you okay?” His question brings you out of your lavender haze and you don’t process the question at first.

“Am I okay?” you retort in confusion.

He nods reluctantly.

Your hand comes up to cup your cheek when you realize that they’re wet, and suddenly you realize what he’s asking about. Your cheeks grow hot in embarrassment.

“Oh yeah yeah, I’m fine. Or I will be.” That explains why he was surprised when you lifted your head.

He observes you with interest and it’s your turn to feel embarrassed at the attention.

The intimacy of the scene isn’t lost on you. You sit like old lovers who never fell out of love, admiring each other in a public place that feels like it only contains the two of you. You sit together like you’ve known each other for years. You want to salvage the intimacy of the moment but a burning question comes to the front of your mind.

“How’d you know my name?”

He blinks at you, seemingly confused by the question.

“When you got here, you called out to me.” You continue unsurely. “We’ve never spoken before, how do you know my name?”

He blinks at you again as the gears in his head turn. When he realizes that he did in fact call out your name despite never asking you about it, the tips of his ears turn red. You observe the changes in his face with a slowly growing smile; you’ve noticed something he hoped you wouldn’t.

“It was on the cup. Caught it when you were leaving.”

The cup. The cup of coffee you ordered at the coffee shop you first met at. When you ran away from him. You raise your eyebrows in amusement, how did he manage to catch that? Moreover, how did he manage to remember it for weeks when you’d barely talked.

The thought of Sakusa having an interest in you since the first meeting makes you feel like a teenager getting asked out for the first time.

You look at him across the table, observing his face and everything you’ve grown to like about it. Suddenly, you think about meeting him like this more often, about getting to see him much closer than this, about being the kind of woman he’d date, and about tracing his lips with something other than your eyes.

When you notice his eyes traveling across your face, you wonder if he possesses any similar thoughts, any burning urges to reach across and touch you and set off the reaction that's been brewing for weeks.

It's so close you can almost taste it.

You lock eyes and you slowly realize that neither of you are ready to jump straight into anything. He's as hesitant as you are, maybe even more. But, if you've got to start somewhere, you know exactly where to take him.

“Sakusa," you start, already smiling, “would you like to get coffee with me sometime?"

[laxmiree]

[CN] MLQC’s Lucien - Rebirth Date - English Translation [3/3]

⚠️ SPOILER ALERT!! ⚠️

This post contains a detailed spoiler for a date that has not been released in EN yet! Feel free to notify me if there are any mistakes in the translation~

No Man's Land Solo SSR Event | Rebirth Date Part 1 | Date Part 2 | Date Part 3 (You're here!) | Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7

I can't help but laugh, placing my hand in his as if placing both my life and death in his hand.

I've never felt so free and happy. All the unknowns seem to have transformed into challenges at this moment, and I want to overcomes them.

Translation under the cut!

Previous Part=> [Click Here]

—[Part 4]—

Lucien: Radiation, disasters, and the like are merely puzzles posed by objective reality, and we are the problem solvers.

Lucien: Only in this way do we qualify to step onto a new level.

His voice is exceptionally gentle, accompanied by the buzzing sound of an electric current that sends shivers down my spine.

MC: ...Are you going to kill me?

Lucien: [chuckles] Do you want me to?

He lowers the machine in his hand, bringing the rapidly spinning chainsaw blade dangerously close to my neck.

Lucien: I can dismember your limbs, but that won’t be particularly useful to me right now.

Lucien: I can extract your brain intact and keep it active for a certain period of time. Maybe you would still be considered 'alive' in some biological sense.

Lucien: Of course, the most important thing is your heart and... your Evol 'core'.

Lucien: I've been curious for a long time about how it works, allowing you to withstand any severe radiation threat and survive until now.

Lucien: Maybe when I cut you open, there will be an answer to all this. What do you think?

I can feel the intense wind pressure from the chainsaw pressing down on all my nerves, but at the same time, it seems that an even more majestic and surging force is roaring in my chest.

My mind is almost blank, leaving only some kind of instinct.

MC: ....No, you are wrong.

MC: If I die, you won't get any answers.

At this moment, I seem to see something more clearly.

MC: And... it's not you who is studying me to carry out so-called 'evolution', but rather me using you to complete ‘change’.

The corners of his mouth curve into a more pronounced arc.

Lucien: Is that so? But it seems I have the opportunity to lock you up again at any time.

Lucien: I have many ways to keep you from going anywhere, even... to take away your right to choose death.

MC: Then go ahead and try. Just hope you don't die too soon from my radiation.

MC: Just like right now, you've been around me without any protection for too long.

In this gamble, that ever-surging power now settles in my heart. It feels unfamiliar to me, yet at this moment, it seems to belong to me completely.

His deep eyes fill with more laughter. He elegantly sets the machine aside, squats down, and places his hands on both sides of the bag.

His warm breath hits my face, and he seems like another cage, closing in on me even more.

Lucien: Do you know? Ten years ago, your data readings fluctuated wildly. They thought it was due to your unstable condition, but I suspected back then that it was because of ‘fear’.

Lucien: Humans can feel the existence of life through extreme fear. They will instinctively want to protect themselves, and that drive will generate immense energy.

Lucien: Back then, my knowledge and skills were far from sufficient to fully uncover everything about you, so I concluded... that we both needed some time.

Lucien: [whispers] But later, I regretted it. Actually, I shouldn't have let you go back then.

His gentle voice brushes past my ear like a feather, making me instinctively hold my breath.

Something heavy and complex seems to be shedding its outer shell, revealing a more genuine and indescribable side to me.

Lucien: A lot of time was wasted, so when you appeared before me, I was very happy.

Lucien: And you're slowly starting to trust me, which is good.

MC: So everything over the past six months... was it all your facade?

MC: To make me truly feel fear?

Lucien: [chuckles] No, I want you to always remember the feeling you just had.

His noticeably cold fingertips brush my cheek, meticulously tracing a certain outline.

Lucien: You should have been constantly thinking, striving to survive, and seeing many scenes.

Lucien: Remember how you used that power and then tame it.

Lucien: Only then will you be complete.

A pair of calm abysses engulf me, tempting me to gaze upon what lies hidden deep beneath the surface-

A soul that is pure yet obsessive, mad yet patient.

Lucien: Besides, I have never pretended in front of you. Just because you don’t see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Lucien: Our time is running out. I think it's a good idea to use myself as a stepping stone for change.

Lucien: After all, solving the problem is the key to everything, and I don't want to cause you too much pain.

I freeze momentarily, suddenly realizing something, and repeatedly examine his entire body.

The person in front of me has no skin ulcers, looks mentally stable, and everything seems normal…

MC: Could it be that you…

Lucien: I am my own test subject, and the facts prove that I have succeeded.

He lifts his palm, revealing faint flickering motes of light. I can sense a power radiating from within.

Lucien: As I've mentioned before, your body seems to possess a sort of 'core' or 'field'.

Lucien: Your core affects the radiation energy, either absorbing or repelling it; hence, you remain unaffected.

Lucien: And I used the power you unleashed earlier to replicate a similar 'field'.

Flecks of excitement dance in his eyes as he arrogantly retracts his fingertips.

Lucien: [chuckles] If my hypothesis is correct, in a few days, I will be able to create a 'core' with a near-identical operating mechanism in a few days.

Lucien: I might soon be able to research the data from the heavily contaminated areas myself, including... the machines there.

With that, he rises to his feet, carefully placing various organs and components into separate jars before turning his head back.

Lucien: I previously asked you, 'Is death the end?' Do you remember your answer?

MC: ...I remember.

Lucien: I don't think death is the end.

He lets out a soft chuckle tinged with an air of undeniable arrogance.

Lucien: No one here cares about death, because it's too commonplace, and also because they don't understand the value of death.

Watching his retreating figure without turning his head, I instinctively crawl out of the black bag.

I feel as if I've just experienced death and have been reborn with new flesh and blood in this moment.

I want to know what he means and see how far he can go.

✂———————–

Following his figure, I enter a room on the side of the deep pit. Jars of all shapes and sizes are placed in the dimly lit environment.

The wall is covered with a dense jumble of numbers and changing curves, new numbers and symbols overlapping the old marks, layer upon layer.

I look around in surprise, momentarily at a loss for words.

MC: These... are all your doing?

Lucien: Not entirely, I just took over them.

He places the jars on different shelves and writes new numbers in one spot.

Lucien: Someone else conducted experiments here before, leaving behind many things and data. There are always predecessors doing similar things, just like the information you brought back.

Lucien: I just found them, researched and revised their conclusions, and came up with my own answers.

MC: How do you know that someone else will do the same thing…?

Lucien: There will always be.

Lucien: There will always be those who are curious, questioning all the current definitions and conjectures, wanting to know how this world actually works.

Lucien: There are always things that spread wider and longer than diseases and death, leaving their mark on the world in various ways.

I stand there in a daze, Lucien is clearly standing in front of me, yet I feel like he is so far away.

In a world ravaged by wounds, his words sounded like a miracle, but he spoke them as if it were a matter of course.

At this moment, I suddenly have a premonition.

Even if Lucien disappears from the world one day, there will surely be someone who will sweep away the dust of time, pick up the whole box, and continue to climb upwards on this silent boulder.

Lucien: Aside from that, these corpses are also quite nutritious.

Having seemingly finished his preparations, Lucien spoke abruptly, causing my expression to change instantly.

✂———————–

Following his footsteps, I arrive at another dark, large building. I had never thought that the buildings next to the laboratory each had their own purpose.

Amidst the continuous rumbling, Lucien opens each black bag one by one and empties their contents into a deep pit, its contents and depth obscured from view.

Lucien: Corpses can be fermented by bacteria to produce biogas, which is a tremendous source of chemical energy.

Lucien: Moreover, improper handling of these corpses could lead to an outbreak of plague, resulting in even more deaths.

Unable to understand what he's saying, I stare into the depths of the pit for a long moment before turning my gaze towards Lucien.

MC: Have you been experimenting on the people in the city all this time?

Lucien: [chuckles] I don't deny it.

Faced with his somewhat ambiguous answer, I fall silent for a moment.

Lucien is both saving and experimenting. It seems as if the divine and the devil coexist paradoxically within him, making it impossible for me to define him in any way.

Lucien: The more people who survive, the more it proves that my path is the correct one.

Lucien: I deeply regret the loss of those who died, but I will only use their deaths to go further.

As we leave the building, the sky is so dark that no single star can be seen.

Lucien doesn't stop but walks towards the city.

Seeing this, I instinctively halt—I am not wearing my isolation suit, and my presence could harm the city's residents.

Lucien: [gently] It's okay, MC. Trust me.

He stands in the darkness yet extends an invitation to me like a burning flame.

Lucien: Let me show you what this world can be.

In the empty square, not a sliver of light is visible. Lucien takes out a small device, instantly illuminating his face. A small, dome-shaped black hole is also aimed at me.

MC: …!

Instinctively assuming it to be a weapon, I cover my neck and recoil half a step.

Unexpectedly, Lucien laughs and gestures with the device at me for quite a while. I instinctively try to escape his ‘target lock’, but it only makes his laughter more pronounced.

Finally, I can't resist moving closer. After he presses the button, I find myself appearing on the lit-up screen!

The me in the picture frame steps back in fear, nervously runs around, and finally moves closer out of curiosity.

MC: …What is this! So amazing!

Lucien: I don't know either. But since we've found it, it means someone invented it in this world.

Lucien: It has no significance for survival, yet it still exists.

With a gentle shake of the device, specks of light dance exuberantly in his eyes.

Lucien: How boring it would be if the only meaning of this world was survival.

My heart is racing, and the moment I take the device, it feels heavy.

I don't know what I pressed, but Lucien's face appears on the screen.

Lucien looks straight at me through the device.

Lucien: [softly] MC, do you know? From the moment you appeared before me, I realized that this world is actually full of color.

Lucien: So, I really want you to see what the world looks like through my eyes.

An unknown button press triggers a blinding flash of light that erupts in an instant, searing an imprint onto my retinas-

The whole world seems to be glowing.

Multicolored luminescence suffuses every corner of the city. The splendid and brilliant lights are like eternal fireworks, blooming with unparalleled beauty.

Zone X is lit up.

Shadowy figures emerge from the corners, their heads raised and eyes wide open.

??: ...Is this also a radiation tide?

??: It must be... it must be! Run! Otherwise, none of us will survive!

??: It hurts! I feel so much pain!!

??: Wait… City lord is over there!

??: City lord! Save us!!

Countless cries of clamor and anguish rise and fall, eyes full of pleading and struggle are cast in my direction.

Lucien: These are all my doing, they are just some lights that I turned on.

As those words settle, the entire square instantly falls silent.

??: There's no way so many lights would turn on in this world... you must be lying!

??: ...Really? Could it be that City Lord is just that powerful?

??: Run!!

In that fleeting moment, I seem to perceive a myriad of faces. Doubt, curiosity, anger, despair...

In the unfamiliar yet radiant scene of rebirth, something sprouts and grows amidst the ruins.

As someone charges forward with a roar, Lucien remains nonchalant, a smile still gracing his lips.

His eyes hold no trace of them.

Lucien: MC, the future awaiting everyone will never be peaceful; death and struggle will inevitably permeate the entirety of human history.

Lucien: But if, after enduring pain and struggle, one can gain the courage to face the truth, it will surely lead humanity to a further future.

MC: ...What kind of future?

Lucien: For example…

As blood splatters everywhere, I see Lucien proudly raise the corners of his mouth.

Lucien: You can stand in front of everyone just as ordinarily as this.

Lucien: Without restrictions, in a state of freedom.

Lucien: I think this future is just beginning.

Lucien extends his hand to me as he speaks.

I have never seen someone like this, standing before me in such a real and equal way, in the face of me who always brings death to others because of my radiation.

He has calculated everything and cut open everything, inviting me to embark on an unknown and long journey together.

Almost without hesitation, I step forward and grasp that hand, letting the blood stains on it also stain my hand.

Since he has used himself and the future as bait, then I have absolutely no reason to give up.

MC: Lucien, is all of this tonight part of your bigger trap?

Lucien: [chuckles] What if it is?

I stare back at him deeply, the corners of my mouth curling into a smile.

MC: Then I will gladly accept it*.

With a dazzling halo around his arched eyebrows and eyes, he pulls my hand up and we start running together.

Lucien: The isolation membrane I placed on you only lasts for 15 minutes. "Miss Death" is about to come again.

As he speaks, he spreads his palm open with a serious demeanor. Despite being covered in blood, he appears as graceful as the wisest grand wizard from a book.

I can't help but laugh, placing my hand in his as if placing both my life and death in his hand.

MC: Pfft, don't you need to escape from me then?

Lucien: I don't need to.

He laughs casually, and there’s even a hint of anticipation.

Lucien: Death is one of my best nutrients.

The static dark screens served as a backdrop behind him. The neon light outlines his silhouette as if it could illuminate everything.

I subconsciously raise the device in my hand and aim it behind us-

Countless images of Lucien appear on the machines behind me. I excitedly sway it back and forth, and the pictures of the machine sway in real time along with my movements.

MC: You need to tell me what's happening when you return!

Lucien: I'd be happy to explain it to you.

MC: Then I also want to know the principle behind it and more!

Lucien: In that case, a certain student might need to put in a bit more effort outside of the experiments.

The sky starts to rain at some point, as if a joyful symphony is playing.

MC: Lucien, do you find this world interesting?

Lucien: [chuckles] Incredibly interesting.

MC: I'm starting to find it interesting too!

I've never felt so free and happy. All the unknowns seem to have transformed into challenges at this moment, and I want to overcome them.

MC: With Zone X being so bright, more people are bound to notice it, right?

Lucien: Probably, similar people will understand its significance. Some will come closer, and some will question it—

Lucien: But perhaps more and more areas will light up like this.

Lucien: The data you brought back contains a very special piece of information.

Lucien: It is said that there is a person in this world who can change everything. The recorder referred to her as — 'Queen'.

I was stunned for a moment and slowly stopped walking.

Lucien stands in front of me, still gazing at me with a gentle smile.

I look at our intertwined palms, and after a long while, I raise my head resolutely and hold his hand even tighter.

MC: If there really is someone who can change everything, I will be that person.

MC: I will be the 'Queen'.

Lucien smiles gently.

Lucien: Then I will witness your coronation.

He holds my hand, steps over the line between light and darkness, and merges into the darkness.

Lucien: Welcome to the new world.

—————Fin————–

[T/N]

*: The Chinese idiom 甘之如饴 (gān zhī rú yí) literally translates to "as sweet as syrup." It is used to describe someone who willingly endures hardship or difficulty, often with a sense of satisfaction or joy. Fun fact: it's also a reference to a line from Aquarium date, which EN server translates differently 🤧

-

[Lux's rambles corner]

Post-Apocalypse AU really ends with a BANG with this one date ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ. Suddenly, putting Lucien at the end makes sense because his dates signify the rebirth of the post-apocalyptic world. No matter how dark, bleak, and filthy the world is, there will always be hope, and there will always be people who try to bring everyone toward a better future 🥺

Anyway, let's talk about this date bit by bit, shall we? Although this kind of feels like a compressed main story, some things are different. Essentially, the first half of this date is filled with foreshadowing and world-building, while the other half is filled with revelation.

First of all, the date name 【新生之约】 is a reference to what XM said in S1 chapter 13-8: "However, you must believe that before things reach the worst point, everything can still be reborn and changed.". The words "reborn"/"rebirth" and "change" are essentially what this date is about.

In this post-apocalyptic world, abnormal radiation unleashed by the 1917 comet impact brings death and illness to everyone. Many scientists tried to research this matter and even went as far as to conduct human experiments. In this AU, Lucien is a “city lord” who also researches this matter, and MC is one of his test subjects. Zone X is considered one of the deadliest, where the people who come here are either at their wits' end, seeking death, or refusing to leave their homes.

[Radioactive Butterfly]

MC’s “CORE” power has an interesting twist on this date. Besides having some kind of power that can change the world, it also makes her deadly to others because her core not only repels the radiation but also absorbs it. I think one part from the [No Man’s Land] event perfectly paints MC’s unique situation on this date.

In Lucien's laboratory, I discovered an exceptionally beautiful butterfly with vibrant wings trapped inside a glass dome, gently fluttering its wings. A. Quietly admire it. B. Open the glass cover and release the butterfly.

If you choose A, Lucien appears behind MC and explains that the butterfly's wing color was caused by radiation, so while it was beautiful, it had to live its entire life under the glass dome. If you choose B, the lab radiation alarm blares because the radiation level inside the building has suddenly spiked several hundred times—it turns out that the butterfly is radioactive.

MC is in the same situation as the butterfly. Her ‘vibrant wings’ (core power) prevent her from living freely. She has to isolate herself from others to protect them. Her life has primarily been one of experimentation, treated as a tool for a future envisioned by many lunatic scientists. Most people don't see her as an equal, but rather as a means to an end.

For MC, Lucien is different from them in many ways.

….I asked Lucien why he never referred to me by my experiment number. Lucien also seemed to ponder for a moment, and then he simply said that perhaps I am not just an experimental subject or a creation.

Take note of how her question doesn't grant an immediate answer from Lucien because this habit is not deliberate; Lucien subconsciously regards her as more than just an ‘experiment subject.'

MC believes that he is different from those crazy scientists. He doesn't hurt her too much and even gives her some kind of small freedom by giving her an isolation suit that allows her to explore freely and interact with other people and living creatures without fear of hurting them. Although she doesn't fully trust him, she still sees him as the gentle and generous City Lord who tried his best to save his people.

But during one of their visits, seeing Lucien's unsettling composure as he tends to the horrific illness, MC perhaps begins to see the other side that Lucien hasn't let her see.

[Eros and Thanatos]

Their time is running out as the radiation tide gets worse in Zone X. And as what they call it, desperate times call for desperate measures. In order to push MC to control her power and free her, Lucien bets his own life with a pretty-much-staged reveal of his other side (i mean, come on, he’s been hiding the whole corpse thing for MONTHS, and you told me he clumsily forgot to clean up one day and conveniently leave traces of blood that can lead you to his dark basement thingy???)

Rather than using the dark side™ to explain his other side, I’ll just use Eros and Thanatos dual theory instinct.

Walking into the city, a man with a festering arm rushed out, accusing Lucien of not only failing to cure him but also making him neither human nor a ghost. Meanwhile, another person lying on a stretcher claimed that it was the city lord who had saved them.

If you choose to ask him, Lucien will react like this:

Lucien smiled and said that the truth shouldn't be told by him but depends on which truth I am willing to believe.

In the early 1910s, Sigmund Freud proposed the theory of Eros and Thanatos. This theory suggests two fundamental forces influencing human behavior:

Eros (Life Drive): Represents the instinct to create, bond, and preserve life. It encompasses sexual and social urges, as well as the will to survive.

Thanatos (Death Drive): Represents an unconscious drive towards self-destruction, aggression, and returning to an inanimate state. It manifests in destructive urges and aggression directed inwards or outwards.

It seems as if the divine and the devil coexist paradoxically within him, making it impossible for me to define him in any way.

As a character, Lucien embodies both Eros and Thanatos. His curiosity, thirst for knowledge, scientific pursuits, and care for life reflect Eros, while his willingness to use painful and deadly experiments even toward himself to achieve his goals and his anticipation of his death signify Thanatos. His Thanatos-driven action highlights a ruthless determination to achieve his objectives; essentially, you can call it his Ares’ side. Not only did they coexist, but both Eros and Thanatos instincts can blend as well. For example, through his use of corpses for biogas production, which is an approach to utilizing death for the benefit of life.

A pure, yet obsessive, mad, yet patient soul

His intentions and ideals are inherently good and pure. He is also a patient man, willing to wait for years for his research to bear fruit. Even if it doesn’t yield anything in his lifetime, it doesn’t matter to him, as he believes someone will continue his path. However, his obsession (in this context, 偏执 means ‘inflexible’ obsession/fixation with his ideal and truth of the world. It contains some stubbornness in it ahah) and madness drives him to do anything to achieve his goals. What he said in Season 1 Chapter 16 is proven true during this date—that he won't hesitate to sacrifice anyone, even himself, to advance the world. MC remains the sole exception to this, as she is the only person to whom he grants some freedom and choice in this matter. He won't sacrifice someone important to him.

[Philosophies of Death and Rebirth]

Speaking of death and life- of course Lucien’s date won’t be complete without some kind of philosophical discussion about them-

Lucien: Humans can feel the existence of life through extreme fear. They will instinctively want to protect themselves, and that drive will generate immense energy.

Around 200 years ago, Kierkegaard shared insights about human existence (Kierkegaard, 1983). He explained that humans are unique because we are aware of our existence and can reflect on ourselves. This awareness brings two emotions: awe and dread. We feel awe at the beauty of life and dread at the reality of death, which can come at any moment. Awe inspires us to live fully, seek love, make connections, and find meaning in life. On the other hand, Dread reminds us of death's constant presence and makes us even more aware of our existence.

MC: So everything over the past six months... was it all your facade?

MC: To make me truly feel fear?

Lucien: [chuckles] No, I want you to always remember the feeling you just had.

Lucien: You should have been constantly thinking, striving to survive, and seeing many scenes.

Lucien: Remember how you used that power and then tame it.

Lucien: Only then will you be complete.

Rather than making her feel fear, Lucien's goal is for her to fully control her own power. I think in the end, they're both using each other to complete their own goal; MC uses Lucien to complete her change, and Lucien copies MC's power so that he can research the radiation himself. It's a mutually beneficial cooperation. Which, although extreme (worst case scenario is that Lucien dead and MC be traumatized by the whole thing) it's arguably the least risky way according to Lucien's enigmatic working mind lol. Like, at least in the worst-case scenario, she won't be dead.

Interestingly, this part of Lucien's dialogue can be analyzed through Heidegger's concept of "being-toward-death."

Heidegger (1962) wrote, “If I take death into my life. Acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life—and only then will I be free to become myself.”

Heidegger's philosophy exhorts us to accept death and to use it as a means of understanding the purpose of life. According to Heidegger, acknowledging death allows us to enjoy life to the fullest and cherish the time we have. Death, in this view, can be a source of freedom as it liberates us from the limitations of life and enables us to realize our full potential, in this case, MC fully realizing her power.

So, with all being said and done, is death the end? I don’t think so. Death is not the end, as new life and knowledge can be born through understanding death. Death is not the end, because there will always be people who pick up and continue your path even after your passing. Death is not the end when it can provide for new life to grow, even through something as unhinged as using corpses to produce electricity.

Watching his retreating figure without turning his head, I instinctively crawl out of the black bag.

I feel as if I've just experienced death and have been reborn with new flesh and blood in this moment.

I want to know what he means and see how far he can go.

Death and apocalypse don’t necessarily mean the end; they can even mark the beginning of a new future. After all, only after experiencing death can you be reborn from the ashes like a phoenix.

And while at it, they somehow have ‘wholesome’ heart-to-heart talk… isn’t it silly that they can finally talk frankly when both of them are kind of trying to kill the other-

//just kidding, i personally like this talk because it fulfills something that I didn't realize needed lol. It feels like- S2 ch 23 approach to S1 ch 13 conflict if that makes sense? 😂 like instead of a dramatic break-up, we get them just, communicating their feelings because of their instinctive trust in each other ksksksks. Perhaps it's because MC instinctively trusts that Lucien won't kill her, and her curiosity exceeds her fear. And maybe it's because Lucien trusts that MC can unlock her power that he is willing to bet his own life.

[Future in his eyes]

Lucien: Why change the world? I think this world is fine.

Lucien: What I want to seek is 'evolution'.

What is 'evolution' in the post-apocalypse setting? It's more abstract from Lucien's practice of 'evolution' in the main story (like evolving 'everyone' or straight up ascending the world's dimension).

In this AU, 'evolution' is more about to the process of advancing and adapting to overcome extreme challenges like war, illness, and disaster, which will always permeate human history. This concept of evolution is about finding ways to adapt and advance humanity to solve these crises. Some real-life examples would be how wars and pandemics accelerate technological development. When trying to survive, humanity gains immense power to conquer those challenges.

Lucien: Radiation, disasters, and the like are merely puzzles posed by objective reality, and we are the problem solvers.

Lucien: Only in this way do we qualify to step onto a new level.

According to this dialogue, Lucien sees that the world is already undergoing evolution. The ongoing process of 'solving' post-apocalyptic challenges through continuous scientific and technological advancements is a form of evolution itself. Of course, it's a collective effort, and he is just one of many people who try to solve it. Lucien is not interested in fundamentally changing the world but in advancing and adapting it. However, his ultimate objective is still the same as that of the main story.

MC: What's your objective?

Lucien: A better future. -[S1 Chapter 13]

I don't think MC's and Lucien's ideas of change and evolution clash; rather, they can complement each other. Imagine a seed: Lucien wants the seed to be tough enough to survive in a harsh world by making the seed stronger, while MC wants to change the world so it'll be less harsh to the seed; both of them want a better future where the seed to survive and thrive but through a different approach.

Lucien: [softly] MC, do you know? From the moment you appeared before me, I realized that this world is actually full of color.

Lucien: So, I really want you to see what the world looks like through my eyes.

If there's one thing that MC has already changed, it's Lucien. She doesn't change his view on evolution, but she made him realize that the world is not so depressing and actually full of color: it's beautiful and interesting. So, it would be boring if the world were only about survival.

What is the end point of that evolution? We will never know, but for a start, we can see the beginning of the future through his eyes. Through adaptation and innovation, he generates electricity that can light up the entire area, transforming the deadliest area into a beacon of hope.

While lighting up the area doesn't immediately solve the crisis, it is a step towards evolution. Not only does it aid in a better future, but it also possesses the power of 'beauty'. Quoting from Gallery Date, (beautiful things have the power to inspire people and change their hearts) it can lead to more and more areas being illuminated.

That future even contains his selfish wishes... like a future where MC can be ordinary and free or a future where they can hold hands without any worries.

Lastly, compare these two lines:

Strangers speak in tongues I cannot comprehend, their eyes perpetually fixed on the distant future, but all I sense is madness.

Sharp, resolute, and scrutinizing. He seems to be peering through me to a distant place.

Here, you can see how both Lucien and the mad scientists from her past focus on the future. However, while the other scientists see only their own envisioned future and use her to reach it, Lucien sees the future within her. He recognizes her potential, and rather than simply seeing her as a test subject, he sees her as equal and wants her to be an active participant in shaping the future.

So all this time, he’s been patiently waiting for her to come to his side, then reveal everything and invite her to embark on a long and unknown journey together. After that experiment, both of them had already gotten what they wanted from their cooperation. Now that she knows how to control her power, she can be free and protect herself, and he doesn't need her help to research things in the radiated area. Isn't it ironic that the same person who threatened to lock her up is the one giving her freedom? He will simply drift away and continue to move forward the world in the direction that he wants if she chooses not to. However, he hopes that she will continue to accompany him in moving forward.

Luckily, she takes his hand and they run towards the unknown future together. Rather than the joy of survival, it signifies the arrival of freedom and a brand-new world. He also encourages her to become "Queen" and seek the change she wants. “Welcome to the new world.” text with the screen all black is such a BRILLIANT way to end this date. There is always a trend, but the changes in the world will always exceed our imagination.

Thank you for reading!

[ghostingcrows]

Comic goldenpunk my beloved

[yellow-faerie]

The Lady of Tartúrion

Fic by @yellow-faerie (AO3)

Art by @lidoshka (AO3) - Original art found here, here and here

Rating: Teen & Up

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Minor Character Death Off Screen, Depression

Relationships: Fëanor & Indis, Indis & Children of Indis, Indis/Finwë, Indis & Ingwë, Indis & Accalírë (OC)

Characters: Indis, Fëanor, Finwë, Finarfin, Fingolfin, Findis, Lalwen, Ingwë, Rúmil, Accalírë (OC), Other OCs

Word Count: 9.4k

Summary:

When Indis first met Fëanáro, she was still la Lady of the Vanyarin Court and had not yet met Finwë - the future love of her life - in anything outside of an official capacity.

-

In the aftermath of Finwë's death, fading in his sleep from his longstanding grief, Indis must keep it together for her children, and for the baby within her, and for Fëanáro - who does not particularly want her help. She has friends and her brother but it is still no easy task.

This is a fic for @tolkienrsb, for slide #48!

[ethan-elliott]

the fandom tag is trending again and I was not set work for my morning shift…the universe is telling me to finish the comfort chapter of my hurt/comfort payneland fic

[s-u-g-a-r-rush1997]

Here's an ask as old as time, Turbo x Carrie!reader. Reader is a "bad guy" in their game, acting rude and snobby one-screen, but when the arcade closes their a sweetheart. However, very few people outside her game know that since she stays in her game most of the time (save for some visits to TurboTime).

Then there's a huge dance where everyone from the arcade is invited but advised to dress up, the reader and Turbo go as a date, even winning Dance Royalty (akin to Prom King and Queen). But her reputation as the "bad guy" of her game ruins the fun because someone dumped a bucket of blood on her while she was on stage as a "prank", justifying that she was an obnoxious "bad guy" who needed to be humbled.

How would Turbo fare in this situation?

This one consumed me. It took so long to write because, for some reason, I just had to write out the specifics of the reader's story. Also, the show kept getting stolen by a random side character I made up because, well, you can't be a bad guy without a good guy counterpart, right?

It's a long one, too. Five pages on Google Docs - technically six, but there's barely a sentence on the sixth page so I don't count it.

That is to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

OH! And this is also technically the first time I've actually written out a kiss instead of just saying it happened, so congrats!

"Bad Guy" Reader Takes Turbo to a Dance and Gets "Carried"

Pairing: Turbo x reader

Rating: Mostly SFW - slight suggestiveness right at the very end

Warnings: Reader gets blood dunked on them. Generally can be read as gender neutral, but the Reader is called a lady at one point.

You carried yourself with a certain poise and grace. You turned your nose to the air as the hero approached, an ugly, arrogant smirk splitting your face.

“Your journey ends here, Hero,” you recited, the familiar words coming to you easily, “you will never save your precious friends. They’ll be trapped in stone forever, in a nightmare they can never wake from.” You laughed, continuing on in a sickeningly sweet tone. “Never dying, never falling ill. Is that not what you wanted, ungrateful child? I gave you what you asked for!”

With that, the scene ended, and the battle began. You danced and twirled, sending objects flying this way and that. The Nameless Hero  – or rather the player – did their best to dodge. As you took a sword swipe to the chest, the floor crumbled, platforms appearing around the stage. You levitated in the center, a myriad of objects from chairs to knives to, morbidly enough, statues swirling around you.

Just one last hit and you’d fall. You’d fall past the platforms into the depths below. And then, just as the player believed you dead and defeated, you’d burst back up. Your true nature would be revealed. Serpentine, with bright red scales and yellow eyes.

But that hit never came. A chair hit them instead, and they were the one that fell.

It was game over. A grim tune played in the background. A still image appeared, an illustration of their fate, of the fate of the player. The Nameless Hero kneeled at your feet, their head bowed in defeat, as still and gray as the statues their people had become. And then it was back to the title screen with a message to insert a new quarter.

You could hear the player cursing under their breath. They scoffed and left. The arcade was closing, anyway.

“That was some fight, huh Hero?” Your rude persona was gone now; there were no players watching now. “I mean, you really got thrown around there, but you almost made it to the third stage, so.”

The Hero stood up from where they had regenerated just as the stage reformed. Had they been designed with a pair of eyes, they might have been glaring at you from behind their bangs. Instead they just huffed and made a sour expression, tongue stuck out from between their lips and nose crinkled.

“You just had a bad player, is all,” you reassured them, “my boss fight isn’t so hard. I’m sure you’ll have lots of victories tomorrow, yeah?”

They tilted their head for a second before nodding slowly, placated. The Nameless Hero suddenly breathed in sharply. The corners of their lips twitched upwards.

“Are you that eager to kick my, ah, well.” You cleared your throat, chuckling when the Hero shook their head vigorously with the widest grin you’d ever on their face. “Did you want to spar, then?”

They grabbed a hold of your wrist, tugging you eagerly to the exit of the arena. For someone designed to be completely and utterly neutral, they could be quite insistent – then again, few characters actually matched their designed personality outside of working hours. You would know.

“Ah, wait,” you protested when they started dragging you back through the various levels, “we don’t have to rush!” They stopped, releasing your wrist. They gestured to themself, and to you, a wide sweeping motion from the top of your head to your feet. But it wasn’t quite clear what they meant.

“I know you’re eager to go.” You gently placed a hand on their shoulder, and they looked up, head tilted the way they liked to do when they found something irritating. “But we have time. You don’t have to drag me all the way there.”

The Nameless Hero seizes your face, a hand on either cheek. They squeeze, much to your bemusement, before pulling away. A single finger rises to their lips. They grab your wrist again, tugging you along a little less insistent than before.

Eventually, you make it back to level one. A sprawling town filled with statues of what used to be the townsfolk. Not really, though. They were never alive and they never would be. The still image at the end of the game, should the player win, was the only time they’d ever appear in any colors besides grayscale. And it was just that, a still image.

You were half tempted to protest again when the Hero led you back to the very beginning. But they didn’t try to lead you out of the game. Instead, they entered a house normally inaccessible to the player.

Half of the room was filled with platforms and inactive obstacles, the other half had been furnished by the Hero with stuff you recognized from various stages of your game. There was one lone enemy, a cockatrice, currently curled up on the Hero’s bed. The Nameless Hero shooed it away with a wave of their hand, the beast squawking indigently before finding a new perch atop a bookshelf. It was, you assumed anyway, an unused level.

Smiling, the Hero rummaged through their end table, throwing various trinkets out onto the bed until they finally found what they wanted. With a flourish they produced two bowties, one red, the other blue. They slapped it against their neck and, in a flash of light, their armor had transformed. Their armor had melted away in favor of a smart little vest and dress pants. They looked so proud of themself, and perhaps a bit smug, too.

“Alternate costumes?” you asked, and they nodded eagerly, shoving the red bowtie into your hands.

You smiled back and pressed your own bowtie against your neck. Alternate costumes were hard to get your hands on. You appreciated the gesture.

You didn’t like leaving often. You only ever left for one person; Turbo. And while he had agreed to be your date – your heart still fluttered nervously thinking about it – this wasn’t just a visit to TurboTime. It was a party to celebrate the anniversary of the entire arcade.

Everyone would be there, not just Turbo.

But it was also your first official date with Turbo and as nervous as you were, you didn’t want to miss it. “Let’s go ahead and get going early, yeah?”

The Nameless Hero grinned, taking you by the wrist again and dragging you off.

You got dirty looks when you reached Game Central Station. Not as many as your anxious brain had told you you’d get – there were a lot of new games with new people who didn’t know about your reputation yet. And most of the people that did know of you were distracted by all the pretty balloons and streamers GCS had been decorated with. They’d even put up a stage.

You hadn’t seen Turbo yet. You looked around for a glimpse of red and white, but you couldn’t find him.

A hand suddenly touched your arm. You whirled around, expecting to see the Hero, but they had left to find their friends. Instead you found a pair of familiar yellow eyes.

“Looking for me?” He was grinning like the cat that ate the canary, all of his yellow teeth visible. He had forgone formalwear in favor of his iconic tracksuit and helmet – though they looked quite a bit more clean than they usually did when he was fresh off the track. You almost wish he’d taken off the helmet, you quite liked running your hand along his thinning hair. Evidently he did too; most of your visits ended with the helmet off.

“Turbo!” You wrapped your arms around him, pulling him close. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Your forehead rested against his helmet. You were tempted to kiss him, but instead you just hovered awkwardly, lips inches away, uncertain.

“What, were you worried I wasn’t going to show up?” he teased. He pulled away, tugging you to his side. His hand rested against your hip.

“Ah, a little bit?” you admitted quietly, “I mean, I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m not exactly popular.”

He squeezed your hip, looking up at you with half lidded eyes and that wide grin. “I couldn’t do that to you.”  He leaned in close, tilting his head up slightly. “You are my number one fan after all?”

You snorted, “how do you know I’m your number one fan? The whole arcade loves you.”

You could feel his breath on your cheek, and his fingers on your hip tracing circles. “because you’re my favorite.”

“Oh.”

His grinned seemed wider, if that was even possible. How smug he must have been, to have turned your face such a vibrant shade of red. His hand slid up to rest comfortable on your waist, as you slipped yours around his shoulder. He led you towards the dance floor, stopping as he spotted someone he knew in a nearby group.

“Hey, Gene!” Turbo shouted rather loudly as the two of you approached.

The man turned around, a disgusted expression on his face. “What are you doing here?”

“I was invited,” Turbo said with a laugh, “and I brought a plus one, of course. Where’s your plus one?” Before Gene could argue, Turbo brushed past with an arrogant smirk. “It’s good seeing you again but I think I hear music, and I would love to take this lovely lady out for a spin on the dance floor.”

The two of you sped off without another word.

And, true to his word, as soon as the music started he took you for a spin. Truth be told, neither of you really knew how to dance. There were a lot of near-trips, stepping on each other’s feet, and stepping on other people’s feet. It was chaotic, especially with your date occasionally shouting out “Turbotastic!” when you spun particularly fast.

You were breathless by the time the two of you stumbled off of the dance floor. You giggled as you staggered over to the snack table, leaning against it as the dizziness passed. A cup was suddenly held out to you, the red liquid inside sloshing from how forcefully it was moved. Turbo had his face buried in his own cup, his cheeks flushed red. You took it from him gratefully. The cool liquid was soothing, and such a sweet fruity flavor too.

You wiped your mouth with the back of your sleeve. You wanted to say something, but you couldn’t find the words. He was silent too, swirling punch around in his cup. Your mouth suddenly felt dry, and you threw back the rest of your punch, setting the cup aside on the table loudly. Your heart was racing, you felt like any second now you’d fall over with how badly your knees wobbled, but you didn’t want to back down.

One of your hands grabbed the fabric of his tracksuit, the other cupped his cheek. Before you could lose your nerve, you just went for it. Turbo’s lips were chapped but warm. He tasted like punch. His hands were grabbing your shoulders like his life depended on it.

You both pulled away breathing heavily. His face was just as red as yours felt. He was smiling again, a bit of drool on the corner of his mouth.

The music cut out suddenly. You turned towards the stage, nearly slipping on the now wet floor. Something bumped against your foot, rolling away. There was punch on the floor, spilled from the cup Turbo had dropped when the two of you kissed.

You considered cleaning it up – you’d hate to see someone slip – but then someone started speaking.

“Hello?” A short man in a blue vest spoke just a bit too close to the microphone, “is this thing on?” He cleared his throat. ”Welcome to our third annual Arcade Anniversary Celebration. My name is Fix-it Felix from the game Fix-it Felix Jr. As many of you know, my game was one of the first to get plugged in.” He coughed, tugging at the collar of his shirt. “Now, without further ado, I would love to announce this year's Dance Royalty.”

No one really knew you outside your game, save for Turbo. You never really left, after all. While the stigma around villains had lessened somewhat, it was still difficult to be seen as anything other than evil. So imagine your surprise when the names you hear Felix call out are your own and Turbo’s.

You were in disbelief. Turbo nudged you to break you of your stupor, tugging at your hand to guide you towards the stage. The corners of your mouth twitched up in a smile. You felt warm and fuzzy as you stood beside Felix, clutching the hand of your date tightly. You couldn’t believe people actually–

Oh.

Red was a familiar color to you. It was warm to the touch, smooth like your scales during the final stage of your fight. Not cold, sticky, smelling like copper. There was so much of it. Soaked into your hair, your clothing. Red all over.

There’s a snicker from somewhere in the crowd, and a clatter from nearby. “Oh no.”

Felix is in front of you, hands hovering awkwardly like he doesn’t know what to do. “Oh, dear. Hold on, let me– maybe I should get you a towel?”

You want to curl up and cry. But there’s a hand on your shoulder, clasped tight enough to bruise.

“Shut up, Fix-it!” Turbo hisses, “of course you should get a towel!”

Turbo’s leading you away now. You can hear him cursing, but he’s not angry at you, right? No, of course not. He’s holding you so tightly. Close to his side. You look at him. The blood missed most of him. Specks of red here and there on his helmet and tracksuit. But where he’s holding you close is stained entirely in red.

You sniffle and his eyes are on you. “I’ll get you dried off.” His teeth are gritted, he looks furious, but he’s trying to keep his tone even. “Then I can help you home and we can get you out of that outfit. Maybe I’ll even draw you a bath.”

You breathe in sharply suddenly, wheezing out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “Is– is that an excuse to see me naked?”

Turbo wheezed, anger forgotten. A hyena cackle burst from his throat and you couldn’t help but join in. The two of you must have been a sight, covered in blood and laughing so hard you cried. And when you finally stopped, you noticed Felix standing there awkwardly, this completely blank expression on his face and you just lost it again. The towel hit Turbo in the face with a poomf, and you were suddenly finding it hard to breathe again.

[fvsm4x]

Part 4 of maybe in another life will probably be the last chapter !

[johnslittlespoon]

Seven(ish) Sentence Sunday

Rule: Post seven(ish) sentences of your current WIP - or just a snippet who cares! And tag your writer friends to see what they're working on.

thank u thank uuu for the tag @nicijones! <3

“I’ll get you a fake ID,” Curt says decidedly, shrugging like it’s no big deal. “The summer’s young; can’t spend it ditching you every time I go out to drink.” “You don’t know how to get a fake ID,” John says, more as a plea than a statement. “Yeah, I do,” he argues, and with the older employees Curt hangs out with when he’s working the bar at the hotel, John’s inclined to believe him. “How?” He tries one last time to trip him up anyway, a weak appeal for mercy, but Curt only grins, reaching a hand out to squish John’s cheeks between his thumb and fingers. “Don’t you know? A lady never tells her secrets, John.” So that’s how John ends up tucked away in a small booth in the corner of some pub that looks lost to the sixties, old signage and other vintage memorabilia lining the wooden walls, cheery neon LED graphics adorning the kegs behind the diner–style bar.

tagging @air-exec, @counting0nit, @eternallytired17, @hauntingcontradiction, @skyyguy, anyone else who wants to! <3

[thenewrises]

a welcome home prattle from my mind

so I've been on the Welcome Home train since last year but I never delved into theories about the website. mostly I've just searched from the side, talked to friends who also enjoyed it, and watched videos on it such as Night Mind. but! with the recent updates, I have to say I have sooooo many thoughts and ideas about it. with horror being my favorite genre and loving when I have the ability to research a website full of secrets, it was only a matter of time before I dived in.

so! if you're interested, here are some thoughts I have about the update and maybe some interesting theories.

also! some of these ideas are thanks to the many theories I've read here on tumblr as well as watched when Night Mind released his vod. also including findings as well!

Welcome Home belongs to the lovely @partycoffin! if you are new to this site, please read the credits page where you can find warnings!

stick around and get comfy, this is a long one.

so there is no perfect order this will all go in, so I will label what I will discuss in bold and then go from there.

Voice Warps

something that we are not strangers to is many audio recordings and their voice warps. from the last update, anytime someone tried talking to or about Wally, their voice would contort and the tape would end. this time, we received more vocal content (shoutout to the VAs they are incredible) and there was one in particular that me and many others caught on. Wally is known not to know much about emotions or how to express them. from my knowledge after many hours perusing Clown's blog, Wally is somewhat of a blank slate. learning as the show moves.

in the audio recording "Homewarming Storybook Record", during the end of this tape in the last two or so minutes, Wally says that he's sad and doesn't know why.

starting at 18:16, after Barnaby explains why he may be sad, Wally gets... frustrated. upset. he says in a clearly perturbed voice "...how can that be?" the audio warps during this time, almost as if his entire environment around him changed just by his own emotions.

why is this? we know Wally is somewhat the center of this puppet universe, and the moment he expresses a negative emotion, it's almost like the worlds stability was tilted.

as long as he is his normal and happy self, the world seems fine and at peace. yet, the moment he expresses his despair, it's like a switch flipped. it's only when Barnaby explains what the meaning of Housewarming is, which reassures Wally, that he returns to his happy and now relieved self.

Frank and Julie (TW: Homophobia)

this will be a much more sensitive topic to discuss, and as someone who is LGBT+ myself, it is not always a fun thing to research. but, I think this plays a super important role in the overall story of Welcome Home and my theories for the future.

another new edit I discovered, as well as something I've learned reading on the site and listening to audios, is the push for Frank to play a straight role. of course, this is the 70s we're talking about. the Stonewall Riots had only just happened in 1969, and homosexuality was still noted as a mental disorder. when the DSM-I was released, homosexuality was labelled as a sociopathic disorder until 1974. the idea of an LGBT+ relationship in a children's show would be unheard of.

with us knowing Eddie and Frank are romantically involved, that makes this all the more heartbreaking to know. Frank playing off his feelings by calling Eddie "Mr. Dear." Frank playing all the straight male roles alongside Julie. Sally calling Julie and Frank's costumes "a couples costume."

I find this such an interesting thing to include because not only is it eerily accurate to the timeframe, it also makes me think.

these are puppets. fictional and unthinking puppets. costumes you could even say. a person who creates the so-called fictional world of Welcome Home can control the narrative however they please because these aren't real people! of course they can be whatever you want! so... why did they create this relationship for Eddie and Frank? could it be someone within the Playfellow studio wanted to bring more positive awareness to the topic? were the actors who voiced (in this fictional world) the characters romantically involved?

or... are these puppets alive? they have their own emotions, thoughts, opinions. we know Wally is a sentient being, I mean, he literally would talk to us through the website. he reaches out to us through links, videos, audios, and even phone calls. so, does that mean EVERYONE is sentient?

in the audio "Eddie's Big Lift Storybook Record", we even hear Frank say to Eddie, "you always did work so hard." so, did they know each other in a past life? is this representative of the real life in story (fictional) voice actors?

we'll discuss this more later.

Sally Knows Something Is Out There

this is not new, as this was from the Halloween update but I wanted to include it because I feel like it's a look into the horrors of the world.

in the audio "Happy Haunting to Boo and Yours! Storybook Record", the transcript down not catch this, but Sally goes on to explain that out in the night, something lurks and waits for prey. it crawls around at night, up walls, scratching and screeching. Sally made sure to mention to ask, "why don't we go out at night?"

with her being a star from the sky, I sometimes wonders if before coming to the neighborhood she had seen it. and if not that, she mentioned if you stay quiet and stick close to the windows you can hear it. it cannot enter homes, it eats bugs if it's starving. it seems to have eaten other "neighbors." what could "it" be? some kind of creature in the night? why is it hunting them down?

Away From Prying Eyes

from all the symbols scattered on the website and with the help of the decoder in the Merchandise tab, we end up unscrambling an address.

we discover the website https://www.awayfrompryingeyes.net/ . in this site, we get to peruse "W" and their findings. now I think I can speak for a lot of people that my initial reaction was this was Wally. of course, this was dismissed rather swiftly after realizing that 1. this person was contacted by Wally and 2. they work for the project.

one thing that caught my eye quickly was the fact that the curator of the initial website became "unwell" and no one knew why. they claimed they did not know what caused them to be so unwell, or why they "created that page."

my guess is they mean the new (or in general) Welcome Home website. the curator created the new one because of Wally's interaction with it. they are trying to keep him silent, push away any suspicion. just who might this curator be?

W explains how they became Paranoid (with a capital P) once they discovered the collection of crude drawings, texts, and videos. seems to show that they are understanding that this has gone from a simple project to a unnatural phenomena.

the phone call from Wally is him talking to You (the collective You he knows) and he seems to express loneliness. "everyone is so busy during Homewarming", and he explains how quiet it is. I think he finds You to be a way to not feel so alone, as he seems to be the only sentient puppet of the crew.

well... he used to be the only one.

Commercials For Cigarettes and Pills

in the commercials, we get an array of holiday-themed music and advertisements. of course, we'll talk about the Eddie snippets, but I found a lot of disturbance with some of these. Welcome Home is a children's show, and many of the advertisements reflect that! products like cereal, music, Wally Ball and Cup, and Mama Beagle's Barnyard Eggnog. and then it gets... odd.

adults of course can enjoy this show, but it targets a young demographic. we get a commercial for Hooplah, a cigarette brand. then a commercial for Remderem, a sleeping pill.

now, this is the 70s, so maybe this could be a poor judgement marketing goal. I would not be surprised if it was a ploy for more money, but I still just find it so interesting that a children's show would advertise these. even in the merchandise tab of the project website, there's a fake pipe that blows bubbles. it all feels highly inappropriate for a child to intake this kind of material.

well, who said Playfellow was a moral brand?

Eddie Becomes Fully Sentient

we watch in real time the moment that Eddie realizes who he is.

during the commercials video, we find Eddie Dear preparing for the holidays. he starts off with a conversation with Poppy, which moved into her saying he works too much. throughout the video, we have snippets of real-life felt puppet Eddie decorating a tree, wrapping gifts, and at one point he plays multiple solo rounds of Tik-Tac-Toe.

he is wondering why no one has come to him about delivering gifts. why has no one visited him? he gets so distressed that he even slams his felt hands on the table. why has no one come to see him?

Sally resolves this by saying they did it to give him a break (which is interesting to me seeing as she tends to not give him the time of day), and she brings him to the Homewarming party. so he's surrounded by the neighbors, and in a big chair (Wally's chair, in fact) with a single pea on a plate.

and then things get weird.

Eddie starts sweating, derealization sets in. he's shown alone, single pea on a plate in hand. Home is staring back at him, and a heartbeat can be heard along with Eddie's staggered breathing. is that Eddie's heart or... Home's?

everyone's voices are disappearing in the background, Eddie is in a panic. and then things get even weirder.

Eddie looks at his arms, and they're made of felt. he taps his fingers on the arm of chair, then grips it in fear.

then the frame switches, Sally brought Frank over (was she worried about him?) to let him know that yes, she watched Eddie in the Post Office all day. Eddie is looking at his hands and legs, which are no longer felt but illustrated again. Frank calls out for him, even by his first name, and Eddie didn't even know where he was. but finally just wanted to go home.

this was the moment, that I believe Eddie discovered that he was a puppet. and he was being watched.

I find the single pea on a plate so interesting as this is the description:

"take care not to place them too close together"

why is Eddie being singled out? he was left out of many advertisements during this update, thought everyone forgot about him, and was even left out of the Homewarming story with Wally and Barnaby. they had stated they met every neighbor, but why not Eddie?

Will Eddie Be Removed?

unfortunate news seeing as he is my favorite character in the entire story (Wally and Sally a close second). I adore him, and I want nothing more than for him to remain. but I have a bad feeling he may be our first victim. he's being isolated, becoming paranoid, showing emotions that may not be seen as "neighborly."

I don't think it's any coincidence that this was an early drawing we received:

I believe Playfellow is removing Eddie, or attempting to. but for what reason? because of him and Frank? because he's not needed? that's what I'm hoping to learn more about in the next updates. because let's be frank (ha, get it?), it's not looking good for our favorite country mailman.

Ghost Thoughts and Theories

now it's time for me to ramble and yap your ear off because WOW this update was my favorite by far. I think this will happen every update honestly, but I thought it would be hard to beat the last update. this was incredible, from the animation, to the voice acting, to the crafts it was all wonderfully well done. I want every characters special item from the Homewarming wishlist!.

but now, what do I think could be happening? I have two very shaky ideas. I say shaky because these could be proven wrong easily, but if one or both is not then I can continue to build on it.

1. These friendly fellas reflect reality

so one thing I thought of is that maybe they are somehow reflecting reality. I mentioned before that maybe Eddie and Frank are their fictional voice actors (not the actual ones here in our reality!) who may be in a secret relationship. could those actors reflect their characters? are they getting rid of Eddie to represent them being torn apart?

but, this is a very meh theory. reason being that we have seen these puppets are capable of sentience. they may have their own souls, thoughts, and feeling that don't reflect a real life alive person from the 70s. but, wouldn't that be interesting?

2. Eddie's sentience was real, and his soul is about to be ripped away

there's an ongoing theory I've always juggled with in my head, the idea that these puppets have souls and a conscience. I'm genuinely led to believe this because of Wally himself. he has connected with us directly from his world. some kind of alternate reality away from hours. haunting that show.

would that mean the puppets were all real and alive people at one point? or are they completely new people all together? whatever the case, they are alive but not all of them may be aware they are in a show.

well, now Eddie is and he's in trouble.

although we aren't sure if Home truly is the villain in the story, we know that Home knows Eddie has "woken up." and he does not seem happy about it. if these puppets are alive, I fear that Eddie may be erased if he can't keep quiet. taken from the narrative for not playing his part. all he had to do was be the happy and clumsy mailman, but he had to go fall for Frank. he went and started to get frustrated and negative. he's never supposed to be the angry type, he's off script.

disfunctional.

so what's next for him?

if you made it to the end, I'm glad I could keep you around! I think this update really gets the brain gears going, lots of questions we'll get answered in the future. this story is getting better by the day, and I'm thrilled to see everything that happens in the future. and I'll get to write more posts like this!

I found everything so endearing as I do every episode, and this will be a groovy ride.