#30.9.2021

[endometriosis-andme]

TRIGGER WARNING: PREGNANCY, MISCARRIAGE

Sorry I've been quite on here recently, I've had an overwhelming few weeks unfortunately.

I had multiple positive pregnancy tests a few weeks ago, it was an exciting few days deciding how we would tell people they were going to be an auntie or grandparents and laughing with Ryan telling him his games room would turn into a nursery. My heart was so full, being a mum and having my own little family is my biggest wish and main goal in life.

Unfortunately I started to get some cramping and then I started bleeding 6 days after the positive results, then those positive results turned into negative results. I was sitting on the toilet bleeding and in pain when I saw all of the empty pregnancy test boxes on the bathroom floor, I just broke down. Things are hard at the moment, but I am stronger than this.

Those 6 days were amazing and I will cherish those moments of excitement, I just wish it had a happy ending.

[hvyblog]

Nhiều lần, người ta nghe về sự chết, nói về sự chết, thậm chí là nhìn thấy sự chết xảy ra quanh mình. Sẽ chẳng trừu tượng hóa khái niệm này, thực tế bản thân muốn đề cập đến sự chết theo đúng nghĩa đen, là quá trình một thực thể sống, một con người trước vẫn còn hiện hữu bỗng vì một lý do nào đó mà phải xếp lại áng thơ đời nằm xuống nơi đất mẹ. Cái chết và sự sống là hai mặt của cùng một đồng xu, câu này đã quá quen với nhiều người. Nó là thứ có thật mà người ta chẳng thể ngó lơ mà sống và vờ như nó không hiện hữu, càng không thể phủ nhận, chối bỏ hay tìm cách cải biến. Còn nhớ có câu: 'Con người ta chỉ thật sự sống khi họ hiểu ra sự sống là một quá trình đang chết.'

Từ một chi tiết hơi tàn nhẫn đã được bàn tay vĩ đại nào đó chèn thêm vào một cuộc đời, có những người đã buộc phải nhận thức và trăn trở về những mất mát sớm hơn. Như rủi ro đến từ một bận sinh nở gian truân, sự giã từ con vật nuôi thân yêu ta đã gắn bó một khoảng thời gian, hay những mất mát sượt qua tâm trí khi ta nghe tin lại có trận bão lũ nào đó thổi vào. Vậy đó mà sự chết với ta tựa hồ vẫn còn mông lung lắm. Có thể vì tính chất vô thường của nó nên người ta chẳng thể đo lường hay đoán định. Mà cũng có khi vì nhịp sống vội vã, vì những mê mờ riêng mà ta chẳng còn đủ thời gian để kịp cho bản thân một khoảng lặng. Cho đến khi, sự chết sượt qua sát cạnh mình, cái hơi lạnh buốt và sự không khoan nhượng đó lân la tới gần... Ta mới giật mình thảng thốt.

Sáng nay, nghe tin anh hàng xóm trạc tuổi gần nhà qua đời. Không khỏi bật ra mấy câu cảm khái. Đặt tiền bạc, danh lợi, mấy chuyện tranh đấu hơn thua gần chuyện tử - sinh mới thấy tụi nó chẳng đáng một gram nào để con người ta phải lăn lộn, hao tâm phí sức, và hoài khổ đau. Lại nhớ tới một câu nói khác: Chúng ta đến thế gian này, cuối cùng chỉ để tìm khách dự đám tang của mình.

Nên, tự nhắc mình còn sống thì hãy còn tử tế và ráng yêu thương thật nhiều.

[prosy-days]

September 30, 2021 - Day 103

A lovely dinner with friends that I forgot to take a picture during.

[godsnameisjoy]

SURVIVING FOREVER

Date: 30 September 2021

Duration: 43 minutes at 10:45 PM

Depth:

Rubbish quality of concentration. The quality dropped because of multiple reasons. One of them is worthy of mention. This session was the first and last session for this date. One session in a 24 hours cycle is definitely not helping my practice anymore. And getting away from everything that I have set up for myself out of my sense of survival, seems near impossible for me. I got to show more faith in my practice.

[phototagebuch]

30.9.2021

[urbannature]

Wild Vienna: Wood Dove

[nataliesnews]

Attacks on Palestinians 30.9.2021

I am sorry that I send such reports but this is Israel today and this is very much my life. I am involved. Someone has to be. Not like one of my friends who says to me ……the Palestinians get water 3 times a week so why do they complain. She knows nothing of the fact that she pays very little for her water while the Palestinians have to buy from tanks and pay an exorbitant price for it. Some of them have to exist on 20 litre of water a day. I asked her how she would do her daily extensive cleaning of her home, washing and cooking, never mind water to drink on 20 litre a day. Check out on Google how much the average household uses. She says but they attack us. I ask her how many Palestinians are killed who are not attacking us. I ask her has she ever seen soldiers standing around while Palestinians attack Israels villages and shepherds and she is silent. Someone has to stand up and say this is not the state we believed in.

 On Saturday the human rights organizations will walk in the Hebron area against all this. I wonder when the police will stop us on the road to prevent us getting there and how much violence there will be. It will probably be declared a closed army area. And the settlers will drive past with a  smile on their faces.

 I only hope that some of you are sending out some of the reports which I send you or at least telling people about them.

 26.9.2021   For those of you who are not on my whatsapp list watch this edifying performance of the bulldog of Sheikh Jarrah as he dives into a group of demonstrators...who by the way are on the pavement ....and drags out a woman whose arm is in a sling and throws her to the ground. He also kicks her telephone away and then it seems he picks it up. In another tape she is trying to get it back. I was not there as I went to another meeting out of town but next week I will be there. A pity that I can't find the picture of the woman soldiers handcuffing the same woman, with her arm in a sling and her face a mask of pain. Maybe the same soldier should make enlargement of the picture and hang it in the front room so that all her family and friends can see what she has become. Maybe in years to come her IQ will have gone slightly higher and she may even be ashamed. As far as I know the woman's telephone has not been returned to her. Her son also landed up in hospital with wounds to his head after beating knocked around by soldiers.

 It has also become practice to arrest demonstrators and interrogate them (about what)? You can also read about the issue of the flags and how demonstrators are simply arrested to harass them and then set free. Of course the question remains if the police and their commanders are actually able to read. And usually those who are arrested are freed without being brought to court.

 I was not there that day as I went to a meeting of various peace movements on a kibbutz, Hanaton. I find it a relief to be in a peaceful surrounding with like minded people but often I come away with feelings of just more talk and what exactly are we actually doing. On the other hand it is easier than going to Sheikh Jarrah where you never know what is to be and even though I keep on the sidelines the sudden surges of police violence are hard to predict. I feel rather like the bird that was shown at Hanaton. An olive leaf but a broken leg.

  I went with my friend, Karin, to Augusta Victoria last night……https://jerusalem.lutheranworld.org/content/augusta-victoria-hospital-91. Well know to my friends who often fetch Palestinian children and families from the checkpoints of the West Bank  and being them to the hospital for treatment. We went to the café which they have on the premises where they had a big screen up and people were watching the elections in Germany. Unfortunately there was no translation but I sat next to a lady whom I had met previously who gave me an idea of what was going on. What impressed me was the moderation as far as I could understand of the speakers. So much more cultured than the Israeli elections with all the hatred one feels amongst the parties. I asked her if I was (or should it be “were”) correct and she said yes. It is such a relief to hear Bennett who does not look and sound like a second rate actor when he is talking though I am not in accord with his views of course.

 I am getting used to the hearing device ….not so hard to put it in anymore…..and when I listen to audible or the tv it is good but sometimes I feel that I hear my own voice when I talk. I am not yet paying for the device and am going back. But I see people with other devices which seem to sit firmly in their ears and not so prone to fall out or be pulled out with the masks. I know there is someone else here in Jerusalem who people have very much recommended besides the firm which I go to…..which were also recommended. I wore it the other day when I was with two people and I have always had a problem with the one as she tends to speak very softly and not to open her mouth and it was much better. 

  30.9.2021

And this is how the settlers celebrate Simchat Torah

 Masked settlers hurl rocks in south Hebron; 15 ‎said injured, including toddler

Palestinians claim settlers smashed cars, homes; Israel Police says 2 ‎Palestinians and one Israeli arrested

https://www.timesofisrael.com/masked-settlers-hurl-rocks-in-south-hebron-12‎-said-injured-including-toddler/

This little boy, hardly more than a baby, was hurt by a stone thrown directly at him in his room as he lay in his bed by a masked settler. How different is that from the pictures of the Holocaust ?

 Natalie

[acupofbritishearlgrey]

Prank interview with Elijah Wood (2003) // Dom’s IG Stories 30.9.2021

[lottiestudying]

30.9.2021 // lecture day

[lifeofabme]

30.9.2021 ✨

slow and steady exam preps

work is good tho

weather's even better 🌧️

[reichsbahnfan]

Schau dir "Jensis Welt Spezial, Quassel Video Donnerstag 30.9.2021 TEIL 2 Trainspotting Phase 2 Gera/Stassfurt." auf YouTube an

[belgradeoldschool]

2.kolo grupne faze lige konferencija: partizan - flora 2:0 (30.9.2021)

[rims-mind]

Disappointed as fuck. nothing helping me this time really, and i feel i'm turning into bad person really. I hate this, i never been like that all my life. Mixed feelings inside me, i don't know what's happening inside me but what i know is i'm hurt, and i feel i hate my life and myself these days. I did bad situations, i maybe hurt someone close while i really wasn't mean it and i no longer feel people. I only see that i'm hurt and that is kind of selfish. But nobody know really that i'm hurt like i'm know, they think i moved on and i'm good. Nah mfs i'm not good, i lost my father. The person which me and him part of each other, most kind person in my life, the only man who made feel like a princess or a queen. Ain't easy losing him, i'm fucking hurt and i don't know when i will be good again... Wait, i even don't think i will be good or happy again. Today, i told myself girl let's try to make some cake in the upcoming days. But what came to my mind is my father ain't taste it and tell me if it's good, he ain't eat something i made! He not here anymore...

I'm dying inside everyday, father. I miss you so much my beloved, i can't continue my life without telling you everything i'm doing in my life. On some days i be calm knowing this is life, and on other days i feel like you gone to somewhere here on the earth and i can't reach you. Like i wanna come to you, but can't. And that shit hurts, i need you father.. I wish i could bring you back to life or even go to you. I miss you so much habibi.

30.9.2021.

[penthusiastic]

30.9.2021 ~ Day 23/100

I went on a long walk early in the morning to get some bread from the local shop which is like 15 mins away from my home. And I did not miss any chance to romanticize myself and the nature around me. Soft songs playing as I strolled and smiled at every flower and the rising sun. Felt so calm and fresh.

Attended my college online till 11:40; participating in most interactions with teachers and focusing on the lessons

Watched some 30 mins of the CS50 week 9 lecture based on Flask

Installed mysql connector on my laptop but for some reason it doesn't work in my code ????

Solved and programmed Lab 8. There's a major bug but I couldn't figure it out. So I stopped wasting my time on it and submitted anyway.

Worked on my Cornell essay (just a progress of one paragraph but that's still progress i guess) I know I need to speed up !!!!

I was so emotional in the evening while writing the essay. It's just so important for me to go there and make my own world and to leave my home and city as soon as possible because no one gets me here.

Add on: circular came out from school that college is reopening offline and I am going through mixed feelings. I also have stopped explaining myself to other people because I have no mental energy or will to do it. If I am being misunderstood, their loss. I just don't care anymore.

[hamodi-7]

'

آخر مَا نَشرته الشَهيدة إسراء خزيمية ،

حَصلت عَلى تَذكرة سَفر للجَنة إن شاء الله 💔

30.9.2021

[schandmale]

Netzfunde der letzten Tage - Kein Arbeitgeber schreibt, dass er keine Lohnfortzahlung mehr für Ungeimpfte in Quarantäne leistet. Daher hier ein paar positive Gegenbeispiele (und keine Schandmale!):

NEU 30.9.2021

NEU 2.10.2021