#5x04 fill

[do-it-for-the-fandom]

Fic prompt: 5x04, fic about how exactly they got it out of Kate that she was going away with a boyfriend 😋

"I just wanna know why you're being so shady," Esposito stated.

"I'm not being shady," she said, hoping the forced laughter was convincing enough to keep them from knowing just how anxious she was right now.

But the way the two of them stared at her told her she was unsuccessful.

"What part of this is shady?"

"You started this conversation," Esposito reminded her. "You said you would be out of town this weekend."

"We simply asked what your plans were," Ryan explained. "And then you got all... defensive."

"Defensive?"

"Mind your business," Esposito mocked in his best - not even close to accurate - impression of her.

"I didn't say that," she frowned.

She had simply said that her plans outside of the precinct didn't concern them.

Okay, okay - she can see why they may have seen that as defensive.

"No, but you got squirrely."

"Very squirrely," Espo agreed.

"So... What's his name?"

She laughed. "Okay, now that is none of your business."

"Killjoy," they muttered as she walked away.

[thigholstercas]

So I wanted to have all these parts of scripts that I love with destiel moments that were erased, changed, or added context in one place. Bare in mind that there are some that are Production Drafts and others Writer's Drafts, and so on.

4x02 - Are you there, God? It's me, Dean Winchester

Oh honey, he's gonna be your husband

Honestly, I'm just putting this here because I love this scene.

5x04 - The End

Cas received the order to follow Dean's commands once, and he sticked to it up 'til the end of everything.

7x17 - Born again identity

Just remember, this was after everything that happened in season 6 and widow!dean arc 1.0

Forward to Cas' speech in 15x18, yes the parallels.

Swear this is a whole Dean thesis. If we go back to what started this whole thing in tmwwbk. Dean tells Cas, we can fix this. And he never stopped wanting to fix it.

8x17 - Goodby Stranger

Like, I know they established that it didn't make sense for Dean to say I love you here, which fair, and we ended up which I need you (somehow worse).

But if we look at this as a whole, what Dean might understand is that saying I love you makes people leave him. Fastforward to the part when Dean takes the sigils so Cas can find him and Naomi visits and tells him that Cas doesn't return his feelings. Fastforward again to the You didn't trust me because even if we get to know that it was hard for Cas to leave with the tablet, away from Dean, Dean doesn't. For Dean, he left him, without even acknowledging that he loves/needs him, ignored him, and didn't trust him. Imagine you say I love you and you are left feeling abandoned, betrayed, and angry.

8x19 - Taxi Driver

This in the middle of I love you, and You didn't trust me is something

8x22 - Clip show

The one guy that's always had your back.

9x22 - Stairway to Heaven

Don't know what they smoked to write this, but I want some

10x23 - Brother's Keeper

You'll see the word shattered used a lot. This very much both destiel and drowley imo.

Season 12 is weirdly filled with these, so here are special mentions (because the max of pictures is 30 and there are too many moments). Most likely, it has to do with the market research by the end of 2016, which is why from 12-15, these scenes are more emotionally charged.

Mary saying Good friend when Dean and Cas hug in 12x01

Cas told Mary I promised (Dean) when they were talking outside the barn before going in to help Dean save Sam in 12x02

Dean telling Mary Get him outta here! when Cas was wounded in 12x12. And of course, when Cas says the things they have shared changed him (but that's on screen)

Cas texts? from 12x16

Dean is a worried husband on 12x18.

Dean explaining that no matter how much Cas messed up, did the wrong thing, or every dumb move he got it in 12x20. Cas was always Cas.

12x10 - Lily Sunder has some regrets

Dean telling Cas he has changed, and it has all been for the good. Again, forward to 15x18.

12x19 - The Future

This whole episode is charged with scenes from Dean and Cas. Like you have the angry Welcome home from Dean when Cas returns from Heaven. Dean calls Cas a super strong dude in a trenchcoat. The mixtape scene with the That was a gift. To keep. And Dean softening a bit even if he's angry because he's more worried.

But I think the biggest one is this one. The destiel sex scene (jk)

And after this, even though it is said in the show. There is more insistence from Dean to not let go of Cas -> We're not gonna let you just walk away. Not again. Not happening.

12x23 - All Along the Watchtower

The word shattered is mentioned a lot in the scripts. This is every part that describes Dean's reactions after losing Cas. Forward to 15x18.

13x06 - Tombstone

This is one of the best things that never happened in the show. You have Dean choking down his emotions saying he's much better now and Cas who fought with the empty with everything he had in 13x04 to return to Dean, coming to a meadow near a windmill because Dean thought he'd like it.

13x14 - Good Intentions

Forget about the in love part. They are best friends, and we didn´t get this.

13x20 - Unfinished Business

He lost Cas and it damn near broke him. Not we lost Cas, I.

14x12 - Prophet and Loss

Losing Dean was unacceptable. Cas said that losing Dean was unacceptable. And Dean got emotional. And then forward to 15x18, Cas just goes no, Dean can't die because that'd be unacceptable to me, so i'll sacrifice. And then, Dean gets emotional. Again. But for Dean, the unacceptable happened.

15x09 - The Trap

Forward to 15x20. In this future that Chuck showed Sam that he lost Dean the second Cas was gone.

Have I said how much they used the word shattered. Anyway, Dean wanted Cas to stay. That's his best friend.

He's amazing.

15x18 - Despair

This is not that different from what it was filmed, it is just that seeing it described makes it different. Especially when you get things as Still beautiful, still Dean Winchester, Dean is emotional, stunned, shocked. And have I said how much they used the word shattered. Also, you can see how it starts as a confession because Cas is confessing that he made a deal, but then it ends as a declaration, a declaration of love. Which makes testament such a good word for it.

15x19 - Inherit the Earth

The fact that Dean couldn't say Cas was gone

He's not the ultimate killer. He's not daddy's blunt instrument. He's someone who raised his little brother for love, who fought for the world for love and the most caring man on Earth

15x20 - Carry On

We don't talk about this episode because the script has way too many [omitted] but this is exactly what happened in 15x09 when Chuck showed their future to Sam if they followed the road they were taking.

Okay, that was it. Probably missed some, but for me, these are the parts that stand out.

[hawkland]

Art Masterpost: The Beginning Story by emmbrancsxx0 (@valleydean) Art by sidewinder (@hawkland)

When I saw an endverse story up for claims in this year's @deancashorrorfest — particularly one exploring the beginnings of how it all came to be — I knew I had to get my grubby, greedy hands on it. When I found out it was written by none other than @valleydean, I may have made some hqppy screeching noises to rival Castiel's true voice. Getting to do art for one of my favorite writers is always exciting, if sometimes anxiety-inducing, but I ended up having an absolute blast working on these with Mallory and am really happy with how they turned out. Thank you for being such an amazing partner to work with, and I'm so excited for everyone else getting to read the story now!

Thank you as well to @kingdumbass for organizing Horrorfest once again, and creating one of my favorite little Destiel communities on the net. It's always a ton of fun and I love how you keep the server going & engaging year round.

Some rambling comments on the art & my process below the cut.

As usual these were all done in watercolor with a little bit of black & white acrylic pen work for fine details and lines. I used rough/cold press paper for all of these to keep a consistent feeling and because it's always my favorite for doing any portraits and where I want a lot of blending control.

The hardest thing for me was deciding which of the many memorable scenes and moments I wanted to illustrate in the time I had available. I had a pretty clear vision for the title art early on: to show Dean & Cas at the beginning of it all, with a collage of elements of destruction behind them and doing the title text in the "Croatoan graffiti" style. There were a bunch of different reference shots combined for that one: screencaps from 5x04, a later-season shot of Dean & Cas walking together to get their positions how I wanted, etc. My Cas "face" reference was actually from Stonehenge Apocalypse as I wanted him looking a little more human/hopeful than standard s4-5 Cas as he's pretty low on grace but still has a little "angel mojo" left.

(As Mallory commented when I shared it as a WIP, "That's a man who's about to be destroyed!" :D D:)

I'm also really glad I was able to get the painting to Mallory at DC-Con! You can see in the pic that it's pretty big (16"x20") to get all that detail in!

For the next piece, there's a small scene of Dean and Cas on the road under smoke-filled skies, past a "God Saves" billboard that just struck me. I'd just driven out to Pittsburgh and back on the PA Turnpike so used some quick reference snaps I took combined with photos of the hazy skies from the Canadian wildfires earlier this year to get the atmosphere I wanted. I tried to keep some of the same washed-out colors and feeling of the title piece for that, save the color of the sky.

For the rest, I wanted to do one piece each of Cas and Dean at critical moments in their journey through the story. Cas facing himself in the shattered glass of a pharmacy cabinet was a moment I knew I had to try to capture. It reminded me of that amazing shot of Misha in Gotham Knights, with Harvey and the smashed mirror, so that was definitely in my mind as a visual reference.

Cas himself is a combination of some Purgatory screencaps and some out-of-character Misha pics from here and there to get his hair the way I wanted it to look (even if I ended up painting over most of it with interference silver watercolor to create the effect of the shattered glass. Here's an in-progress look:

The Dean rooftop piece is one I'd had in my head as soon as I read the passage in the story, but it was the last piece I tackled. The city in flames behind Dean was pretty much done in one shot as a spontaneous wet-in-wet wash...though it was a little eerie and unsettling working on it this past week with current events playing out on the tv while I painted.

Finally, I really wanted to do a piece showing Dean and Cas as they are near the end of the story compared to how they started out. This one came together in a really fast burst of inspiration - I think one day drawing and two days painting because it's smaller than the others (12"x6") and I wanted it to be really close up and intimate. Drawing:

Poor boys have been through a lot. And it's only going to get worse )-:

Anyway, that's more than enough from me. Have you gone to start reading the story yet? If not, go there now! Bookmark! Read! Leave lots of love in the comments! Reblog and check out the rest of this year's Horrorfest collection while you're there!

[vendettasfanfictioning]

You ever think about how gargantuan Supernatural is that there are AUs and widespread inside jokes about episodes? That there are enough people here to find something special in some episodes to build mini communities?

Even from a non-heller perspective; if I said oh 1x13 was batshit insane but it added so much depth to the sweet old romantic side of Dean that he desperately denies existing—more than a handful of people would know that I'm talking about Route 666. The batshit insanity of the racist truck ghost murderer, not outweighing the fact that Dean loved Cassie so much, he told her the big family secret, the no. 1 rule John Winchester has drilled since they were children, and ended up splitting with her anyways.

4x17 and 5x04 in particular took up the fandom by a storm for a while, because Supernatural created AUs within the actual text all for the sake of filling in the most important arc (at the time): the Michael vs Lucifer, Heaven vs Hell Apocalypse. I still sometimes remember It's a Terrible Life's reference to Dean and Sam being Smith and Wesson and feel absolutely sick to my stomach. And The End? That's one of my comfort watches right there. The fact that these two episodes alone gave us such a different characterization of the cast and brought a new setting to mind is absolutely mind boggling, and since there's just so many fans here means those tropes and side quests still live.

Does all this make sense? idk like I get that the show doesn't have the best reputation (as it should, honestly, I wouldn't wish this curse upon my worst enemy) but there's something so beautiful about being alive and within a community that really lives and breathes, y'know? I find it all such a touching aspect to humanity.

[lucydonato]

for the most part people who hate lucy know they can't get away with blatant misogyny so they have to make up more "valid" reasons but it's like glaringly obvious that that's what they're doing because they'll contradict themselves in the same sentence

"she only existed to for buck to cheat with and everything she did could have been done by other characters" these are mutually exclusive statements; if she's doing things any other character could have done, she doesn't exist solely for buck. and if she did exist solely for buck (which she doesn't), that's a role no other character could feasibly fill

"she made buck a cheater" no, buck made himself a cheater and then lied about it. if you're pissed at anyone you should be pissed at him (and ftr lucy didn't "get him drunk" or "take advantage of him" either, considering she was drinking just as much as he was, they were flirting before she kissed him, he initiated their second kiss, and she backed off when she found out he had a girlfriend, which he could have brought up at any time during their conversation at the pool table)

"she's copaganda" she is a firefighter on a show where the de facto leads are an actual cop and her husband. do you think bathena (and may for that matter) should also leave the show since they're copaganda? what about lou? or do you think lou is funny and #relatable because he fights with taylor?

"she took up too much screen time doing nothing" refer back to my first point. if she was doing nothing then she wasn't "stealing" arcs from anyone else

"kristen was forcing her down our throats and we all hated her so much that they had to cut her screentime" damb if you guys are so powerful why didn't you stop them from cutting the chim and eddie scene or the uncle buck and jee yun scene in 5x04? or the maddie and albert scene in 5B? were those scenes cut because you hate all of them too or no? and why couldn't you get rid of taylor in 5x07 and 5x09 instead? and why is she back now when they could have easily transferred her away offscreen? if "they" (whoever the fuck "they" are) stepped in to cut her screentime last season why did they let Known Homophobe™ kristen bring her back? make your conspiracy theories make sense or die mad about them

[teruel-a-witch]

canon compliant what-if headcanon after 5x04 through 5x06

steve kisses danny. he's been feeling so helpless and out-of-his-depth because danny's been so lifeless and quiet and subdued, he doesn't know what to do, can't stand inaction, so he just takes danny's face in his hands and tries to breathe some life back into him the only way he knows how. even if danny gets angry or punches him it's so much better than the quiet stupor and retreating into himself.

danny surprises him by latching onto him like a drowning man, grabbing the lifeline steve is extending. steve barely holds onto his sanity so he doesn't drown too. he doesn't think this should go any further, this isn't how this was supposed to happen, if it ever did, but he cannot say no to 'yes' and 'please' and 'needs this' 'need you'. danny is so tired of feeling nothing, so empty, he's desperate to fill the void inside him even for a little bit, so he takes as much as steve is willing to give (everything).

afterwards danny escapes to jersey for the funeral without giving steve a chance to talk about it. he ducks the countless calls and deletes voicemails. he doesn't need to hear steve say what he already knows. that it was a one-time thing, a mistake. steve never would have even kissed him if he weren't so pathetic and broken and he knows how steve likes to fix broken things. danny recognises a pity fuck when he's offered one thank-you-very-much.

steve never stops trying. he figures he must have messed up somehow, showed his hand. danny just needed some temporary comfort and took it from the closest available person and now he must regret it thinking steve expects something more from him. clingy, needy steve. if only danny would give him a minute to explain, to show that he's ready to act like nothing ever happened to preserve their friendship. he will do it though it's killing him inside even more now that he knows what it feels like to have everything.

danny comes back without warning steve. doesn't go home, in case the big goof is staking out the place. he isn't ready to face him yet, so he goes to his favourite spot, even if looking at the ocean always makes him think of one of its particular inhabitants. of course, it's where steve promptly tracks him down, the guy is relentless. only he would practically stalk a guy to let him down easy.

turns out he needn't have worried, steve acts like nothing happened, he acts the way he always is, like a good and supportive friend, it's infuriating how he can compartmentalize it all so well. he wishes he had the strength to have it all out in the open, but privately he's grateful that he gets to keep the friendship, because he's missed the bastard and he doesn't have the strength to go cold turkey.

steve is relieved danny doesn't shut him out anymore, he vows to never make the mistake of showing his feelings again, the stakes are too high. when it comes to danny, as always, he'll take what he can get.

back to the status quo. never again. they are both very skilled at lying to themselves. perhaps, they would have stuck to their guns but steve had to go and get kidnapped...

[jellybeanium124]

Anyone else getting a flanderization vibe from s5? Guillermo is still perfectly characterized but the rest of them have gotten noticeably dumber. Laszlo is smarter than how he acted in 5x04. Nandor's getting too dumb and he's the dumb one. I kept waiting for Colin Robinson to reveal he wasn't serious about his booby traps in 5x05 because Colin Robinson would only fill the house with booby traps to annoy his housemates, and he certainly wouldn't actually go to war alongside them. It's just making me a little nervous. Strong writing and characterization moments are still there, but there've been moments of weakness in this season that previous seasons haven't had, and it makes me hope that the show ends with s6 so things don't get out of hand.

[m3lzalz-honeybee-noble]

This article was a very interesting read. Anyone else spiraling and wondering in which episodes or moments in season 1 and 2 the writers’ minds went straight to… and Tim And Lucy kiss?

To kill time, if anyone wants to participate and offer their thoughts or ideas, please feel free to comment here, reblog, or create your own posts. You can tag me it you wish.

These may require some more thought and analysis, but here are some that come to mind for me:

Season 1: This is so hard, because there are so many tension filled scenes, but Tim and Lucy were just getting to know each other, Lucy was getting over her situationship with Nolan, and Season 1 Tim would NEVER. I couldn’t really think of a moment or scene that could’ve led straight to a kiss, but maybe the episode as a whole:

1x07 (Lucy confronts Tim outside of Isabel’s). I know, definitely too soon, but that tension and angst between them in that moment… GAH 🤤. You can’t convince me there wasnt a shift.

1x11 (Lucy gets stuck with a used needle; Thank you! For What? Doing my job?). If Lucy was as bold and confident then as she was in episodes 4x22 and 5x01, she would have sought comfort from Tim by kissing him.

1x14 (Plain Clothes Day)- The banter, Tim in plain clothes 😍, Tim’s discreet protection, loyalty and trust. I wouldn’t have blamed Lucy. I probably would have skipped her in line.

1x18 (Chenford paintball date)- their first unofficial date. A trophy kiss for their Team winning.

1x20 (Tim gets infected with deadly virus)- nothing like a NDE (Near Death Experience; any OA fans out there?), and fear of death, to put things in perspective. Their mutual comfort was chef’s kiss. The closed door being a literal barrier between them. Their last looks at each other, like no one else was in the room (a callback for episodes 5x03-5x04). I could see them running to each other embracing and kissing, a la Sydney and Vaughn (Alias).

Season 2: Oh this one was definitely much more easy. There are so many. This post is getting too long, so I’ll just name 6. I can do a part 2, for second half of the season

2x01 (Lucy confronts Tim about his mistreatment of her so far along; suicide ideation) - Lucy is at her best when she is assertive and stands her ground (🔥) -I could see a Tim apology that leads to a confession and 😘

2x02-(Lucy records audiobook for Tim): the time and thought Lucy put in, on top of the 8-12hr work shifts. That alone warranted a kiss of gratitude. Bonus: Tim was breathing, sleeping, eating, showering, exercising, and working with Lucy’s voice in his head, 24hrs a day. Some say he still listens to the audiobook, you know as a refresher course to being Sergeant 👀

2x03: (betting Lucy couldn’t find a partner for Tim; Lucy’s short sleeves victory): The flirting and invasion of each other’s personal space (boundaries non existent). 📢GET A ROOM📢

2x06 (missile crisis, end of the world): they chose to spend their last moments on earth with each other. Let’s end it with a kiss.

2x08 (Tim wouldn’t have gotten that stupid plaque if Lucy didn’t have his back; Thank you! For What? Doing my job? Part 2): She saved his picture on her Lock Screen! The first thing she sees when she goes to unlock her phone. They breathe each other’s air on that bench. Tim leaned in to her, while drinking his beer. Just kiss her!

2x10 (Introduction of Rosalind Dyer; Lucy meets acolyte Caleb): if Tim had offered to take Lucy out for that drink with another human, the sequence of events that followed never would have occurred, and the night would have ended with a kiss.

2x11 (Lucy’s Rebirth/ Reawakening )- including this because technically there was a kiss. A kiss of life. I could also see their hospital scene ending with a kiss if they weren’t interrupted and talked a little more.

2x12 (Tim keeps tabs on Lucy and gives Lucy her ring back): Both scenes had so many unspoken feelings/ unresolved, good tension. I can imagine if they hugged, it would have ended with 2 kisses.

Bonus: I won’t elaborate, that is unless you are not over this post and care to know more

Season 3:

3x06 (Lucy goes undercover as Nova, the first time)

3x09 (Lucy “fake” feelings confession, and Tim, heart eyes 😍, will miss riding with Lucy)

3x14 (Lucy undercover as Nova Part 2; Tim asks Lucy to Save him a Dance)

Season 4: Before 4x22

4x01: (Their first on screen HUG)

4x07: (first undercover together (please correct me if I’m wrong); Lucy 🎤 Tim up with wandering eyes, all the way down and up)

4x09 (Tim’s day of validation/ reflection/ retribution/ and Lucy’s Hug of Life)

4x12 (Lucy and Tim’s Date with 3rd and 4th wheel, Chrispy and Ashy; Personal Space, into the VOID you go)

4x18 (The collection of a debt that was owed… THE DANCE)

Season 5: Manifesting First REAL Kiss:

5x08 (Lucy and Tim riding together again for the first time, after a long hiatus, pun intended)

[dylanconrique]

Hey! What's your thoughts or theories surrounding 5.08? Brooklyn Bella seems to be heavily promoting it for Chenford? They are riding together for the first time since they kissed/almost hooked up. It feels like we're in for a good ep! Unless we are baited?

gosh, i don't really have many. i've either been depressed, sick, or just too busy with work what with the holidays around the corner to really ponder it much at all.

i know for a fact that i don't want them to jump into the neck bomb plot line straight away like how they immediately jumped into bailey's rescue mission 5x04. i hope that maybe in the first 10 minutes we'll get to see them patrolling around for a little bit while they sit in awkward silence trying to figure out how to fill the empty space in the shop.

[beachboysnatural]

Okay I think I got it. Bedlund is really into what Dean and Cas each want versus what they pursue.  Cas doesn’t pursue anything except the big things. His father, free will, deep, meaningful relationships. He’s not very good with the superficial stuff, so as we see in 5x04 and 5x14, he gives in to these base desires when his inhibitions are gone due to outside forces, such as the apocalypse or Famine. When he’s hungry, he goes for the things he never thought to want, and maybe they don’t fix anything but they make him feel better. But Dean is made up of want and love. He has so much to give and he wants so much that he’s hollow with it. So he tries to fill that hole with basic wants, like Famine says, but he can’t, just like Cas. Except for Cas, it’s new to have and want superficial things. Dean’s been using it as medication for decades.

[ice-sculptures]

Buckley-Diaz family gifsets make me go craaaazy! They're a FAMILY!!!! I forgot to tell you that I'm now on s5e4 "Home and Away." Haven't started that one yet.

But anyways, the Christopher skateboarding scene is everything to me!!! I have some balance/coordination/spacial awareness issues and never learned to skateboard or surf or ride a bike (I bought basically an adult tricyle, but someone stole it the week that I bought it :'((( ). Seeing Christopher be able to do something adapted to his abilities with the people he loves most fills my heart and also makes me want to sob. The amount of LOVE and CARE for Christopher in this show by all of the characters who interact with him fills me with hope for the future ;.;

-TWS-anon

oh my GOD you're on s5 already??? i desperately need to know what you thought of the shooting and the will scene!!!!!

also 5x04 is one of the most gut-wrenching episodes of the whole show 😅 no spoilers but there's this one call that ripped my heart into pieces, and everything about chimney in that ep kills me. imo it's def kenny choi's finest work, and i'm so excited to hear what u think!!

re. the skateboard scene....i loved that entire episode so much 😭 i'm not disabled but i am chronically ill and often i can't exactly do the same things as everyone around me bc of my frustratingly high pain levels, and it makes me so happy that they didn't push the whole 'he's just like everyone else and can do everything' narrative and instead gave us this beautiful storyline about adapting to his disability and having his parents go above & beyond to come up with an alternate solution so he can still get to be a kid and enjoy an activity that he's interested in 🥺🥺 i just. i'm so in love with the way a show about the people who respond to the scariest moments of their patients' lives is still so full of hope and love and unabashed optimism 😭

[trent-crimm-theindependent]

what's absolutely wild about destiel (besides everything else) is the way its actually more gay in context? like a lot of queerbait-y shows of the last decade did wink-wink-nudge-nudge scenes where taken out of context it seemed romantic but in context the two characters were very much just buds (eg. sherlock). but spn did?? the opposite??

[chuckaf]

[thisissirius]

your faith just won’t die eddie/buck, 5x04 spoilers

Warzones are my thing. 

The words carry him through most of his life. 

Home was a warzone of its own; minefields of his father’s temper, a constant litany of men don’t-, and his sisters screaming with their mother. Eddie learns where to tread to stay safe, to stay under the radar. 

(Then, with Christopher and Eddie’s choices, it stays a warzone and Eddie doesn’t know how what to do or to say that won’t make the danger continue, a constant itch under his skin he can’t shed.)

Life with Shannon never stopped being a warzone right up until she died. A mess he helped build, and one he couldn’t negotiate a surrender for no matter how many times he tried, and god does he try. 

(He desperately wants to make peace, for Christopher, and for Shannon, but he never thinks about what he wants, what he needs.)

Afghanistan is the literal warzone. It’s thick with sand, gunfire, and the smell of blood and dirt, cloying and difficult to shed. Eddie wears his time there like a shroud, something he can’t shake but he can bury, shoving it deep in the recesses of his mind because he just can’t. 

(It carries with him into the 118, I’m an army medic always on the back of his tongue like a mantra, a reminder, a phantom he can’t rid himself of.)

The 118, LA, isn’t a warzone until someone makes it one. Until a bullet digs its way through skin, muscle, and bone, blood - his blood - covering Buck’s face, Eddie’s uniform, the tarmac. Eddie feels uncomfortable in his own skin, tries not to jump at random sounds, look over his shoulder every second. He doesn’t want this to be another weight dragging him down. 

(PTSD, Buck says. 

Warzones are my thing, Eddie says, but never you’re wrong.)

Warzones are Eddie’s thing because that’s all he knows. 

The peace Ana brings, the comfort and smiles and happiness she tries to fill his life with feels alien and uncomfortable, a family he can hold and keep if he just reaches for it. It’s what he should want for himself, a sense of peace he’s always wondered if he’s allowed. 

Except. 

Warzones are my thing. 

The breakup is messy in ways Eddie doesn’t forsee, but it’s easy, almost too easy, but between one day and the next she’s gone behind a quietly closing door. 

Chris says, okay when Eddie tells him, but he’s not upset. 

Warzones are my thing.

Except Chris isn’t a warzone, he’s never been a warzone. He’s the tiny slice of peace that Eddie’s managed to carve for himself. Keeping Chris safe, making sure he’s happy, cultivating his world into something that doesn’t resemble the constant battle Eddie’s made for his own life. 

Warzones are my thing. 

Except Buck isn’t a warzone. 

“You’re the guy who likes to fix things,” Eddie says, and it’s a plea he doesn’t understand. “Maybe she needs taking care of.”

Eddie’s never been cared for, let himself be cared for. He lives in a warzone, a constant battle to be better, to be somebody worthy of Christopher, to make his mother’s words (don’t drag him down with you) stop ringing in his ears. 

Warzones are my thing.

Means something different when

Buck saves his son-

Buck digs into dirt because of Eddie-

Buck rolls under a truck, holds Eddie together and begs I need you to hang on-

Need, want. 

Eddie hangs on because it’s what he does; I’ll always come back to my family.

“Warzones are my thing,” Eddie repeats, when Buck’s right there, black eye turned yellow, a bruise that Eddie wants to make better, to take away.

“They don’t have to be,” Buck says, asks, begs. He steps into Eddie’s space, into the dirt and smoke and war. Eddie’s heart feels like its own drumbeat of apprehension but he doesn’t know why. “You deserve peace.”

“I don’t,” Eddie whispers. 

The only peace he knows is Christopher, Buck. 

Buck looks devastated. He touches Eddie’s shoulder, his neck. “Why?”

The words bring Eddie up short; he stares, feels a cold shiver run down his spine. The words, “they’re all I know,” tumble from his mouth before he can stop them. 

“They don’t have to be,” Buck says again. “Not with Chris. Not with, with me.”

Eddie desperately wants that to be true. “Buck-”

“This isn’t me fixing you,” Buck says. 

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. 

Eddie doesn’t think he needs fixing. “I just want to feel safe,” he admits.

“Am I safe?” Buck’s fingers twitch against Eddie’s neck and Eddie remembers Buck talking about safe spaces and hanging out at Eddie’s house, making Eddie’s house his in ways Eddie can’t even describe. 

“Always,” Eddie whispers, and lets Buck kiss his cheek, the corner of his mouth, his mouth.

Buck’s lips brush against his forehead. It’s a peace of its own kind. 

[hopeintheashes]

Things I Wrote This Year

It's Dec. 31, 2021. Here's what I wrote this year.

(All 9-1-1. Pretty much all Buddie and/or Buckley-Diaz Family Feels. Hurt/comfort, sickfic, angst, and a little bit of fluff here and there!)

Home series - My beloved. 50k of, as the tagline says, Eddie, Buck, and Christopher figuring out how to be a family. (Shameless hurt/comfort, all of it.) Continued in the Cabin Fic series, which just got underway. More to come.

First Best - If you had asked me whether I could write a 25k fic in three months, I would have said no. I would have been wrong. Basically: Buck and Eddie figuring out that they don't have to live without each other, or by anyone else's rules. With Buck and Taylor as friends with benefits, where the benefits are platonic cuddling and a little bit of tough love. Demi!Eddie, sickfic, Taylor/OFC, Buckley-Diaz family feels... yeah. I'm pretty proud of how this one came out.

Gravity - Because crying from fever is one of my favorite tropes. Buck's sick, but he's not alone.

not like it hurts much anyway - Because some things are unresolved. In which Buck realizes (has always known) that pain can be currency when you're trying to buy attention. He knows he shouldn't, but he can't not. Some habits are hard to break.

Bad Things Happen Bingo - filled under Come On, Sweet Catastrophe. Lots of little fics & prompt fills, and a couple of longer ones I want to highlight:

Waves - "Worked Themselves to Exhaustion" square. Post-4x14 (Survivors). Buck's trying to convince himself and everyone else that he's fine, even as the world tilts on its edge.

Drag the Lake and Bring Me Home Again - "Bundled in Blankets" square. Inspired by a post about how we should use the trope "Let's get you out of those wet clothes" more, with some enabling from some friends. :-) Part of the Cabin Fic series as well.

The Sharp End of the Knife - "Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms" square. Anxiety leads to disordered eating, and what Buck thought was under control suddenly isn't, anymore.

a little unsteady - "Soup for the Sick" square. Post-5x10. Buck is convinced that everyone who cares about him has left. Hen and Bobby are there to prove him wrong. (This one got angstier than intended. But there's still soup!)

Episode Tags - a type of fic I don't usually write, but seasons 4 and 5 had several episodes that just grabbed me and wouldn't let go.

with every small disaster - Post-4x05 (Buck Begins). Because somebody needs to tell Buck that it's okay not to be okay, and that somebody is Eddie, with some help from Christopher.

the static's where you'll find me - Set (and written) post-5x01, Panic. Buck goes home with Eddie after shift. No one is okay, no matter how much they're pretending to be.

let go - It comes out of nowhere. It comes out of everywhere. Buck and Chim, during and after that scene in Home and Away (5x04).

From Here to Mars - The distance between them feels empty and cold. Episode tag for 5x06, "Brawl in Cell Block 9-1-1," because I would like that distance to be just a little bit less.

And then some collections of smaller things: soft seasonal ficlets, Follower Milestone Prompt Fills, other prompt fill ficlets.

Thank you to everyone who has read my fics this year; I would not be doing this without you! <3

p.s. If anyone wants to reblog this post to help new readers find these fics, that would be lovely!!

[autisticandroids]

the thing about 5x04 is that SO much more of it exists than what we see onscreen and i will never get to see it. on the one hand that's like. that's good storytelling. but on the other it fills me with a hunger that can never be sated