#98% mortality rate and she lived...??? how??

[caffeinatedopossum]

One thing about my girlfriend is that the more I tell you about her the more she seems like I made her up. But I can't make this shit up. Ya'll can continue to admire her as just a vague concept though for now

[akinnie75]

The Promised Iris (2/2)

Pair: Jimin x Reader

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Slight Angst, Slow Burn, Fantasy, Soulmate AU

Word Count: 20k

Summary: During one rainy summer day at the park, a stranger name Jimin suddenly confesses that he’s in love with you. At first, you thought that Jimin was a stalker, but it turns out that there’s something he’s hiding from you. But...before you can discover the truth, he was already gone.

First Part: Here

Your journey doesn’t end here.

You crease your eyebrows, waiting for her to say some sort of unfunny joke. After realizing that she doesn’t have anything to say afterwards, you let go of her shirt, leaning back on your bench. You cover your red, swollen eyes with your forearm, your nose pointing up at the sky.

“You think I don’t know? Of course, I shouldn’t end my life.”

Even with Jimin dead, life still pushes forward. His death holds no significant weight on the world; it just affected the small sphere that he inhabited. Still, since Jimin lived a short life, you want to do him a favor and at least live for him when he couldn’t.

The elderly woman cocks her head to the side, staring at you curiously. “Did you love him?”

You move your arm from your eyes, wondering why she would even ask that. “I did.”

“Then, that’s all I need to hear.”

The elderly woman slaps her knee then stands up. For someone who looks like she’s eighty, she seems like she’s in fine health. She claps her hands together, grinning widely.

“Miss (Y/N), when I say that your journey doesn’t end here, I don’t mean that you have to continue pressing forward without Jimin.”

You sit up straight, leaning closer to the elderly woman.

“You question why I brought Jimin to you, despite being fully aware that he was going to die in three months, correct? Before I can answer you, let me give you some background information.

I am neither human or animal. I don’t even exist in your universe, but I can interact with it. You can see, hear, feel, and even smell me, but no one else can because I chose only you to see me. Same with Jimin.”

Once again, this reminds you of the time when Jimin spoke about things that can only happen in fantasy stories. However, you aren’t as skeptical as you were with him. It might be because you went through so much that you’ve become immune to it all.

“I guess I can be considered as an…‘unseen’ matchmaker.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I exist solely to bring two humans who have at least a 98% match rate. It’s a tedious task, having to go through billions of humans as a potential client, then once again going back to the same billions of people, praying that you’ll find their match within the first hundred thousand,” she sighs. “Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. I wish there was an easier way to match people, but I’m not the one who created the system.”

You shake your head at the thought of that. Billions of people? That sounds outrageous.

“Wait...how does that work? How do you choose people?”

“In a short summary, finding the first partner is easy. Finding the other is...Let’s just say it’s a long, strenuous process. Sometimes, the process takes so long that these humans die before they got the chance to meet their partners.”

“But then, if you’re going through billions of people just for one person, isn’t there more than one who’s a 98% match for that person?”

“Good question! You see, that’s where the other 2% comes in. Calculations are great and all, but there’s always room for error. And that 2% is where the couple starts to fall apart. It may seem small, but that’s where the chances of failing are the largest.”

When you hear about that, you immediately thought about Jimin’s death. “Oh my god...then you mean…”

She snickers. “To bring it up to a 100% match, we, the overseers, put the pair on a…‘test’ I guess you can call it. And we watch through the talisman.”

She points at the talisman Jimin gave you. You raise it up, now understanding why it was important that Jimin didn’t lose it.

“And after watching Jimin, I concluded that he passed his test.”

You dart your attention back to her, eyes widen. But then you turn away, squeezing the talisman in frustration.

“But...he’s dead. He was killed.”

She shakes her head. “That was his test. It was to make you fall in love with him within three months, then pass the talisman to you before he died.”

The woman shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly as if she’s had this heavy conversation so often that it’s nothing to her.

“Simple, really. But here’s the twist: can you really go through with your promise knowing that it’ll bring you to your death? No mortal wants to see or even think about how they’ll die.”

You open your mouth to retaliate, but then you close it. Just the thought that there will come a day when you’ll close your eyes forever makes you want to avoid thinking about it.

What went through Jimin’s mind during those three months? How was he even able to keep his composure? Every time he sees you, it would’ve reminded him that he’s going to die—to have that smile plastered on his face, despite behind it all, he knew of his demise.

“And now, it’s your turn,” She points her long, slender finger at your face. “But, I’ll give you the option to opt out before I give you the details. So...what do you say?”

You don’t know what she has in store for you. For all you know, she might be lying because she thinks it’s humorous seeing someone who just lost a loved one, then mocking them. Or she could be an insane woman who just so happened to have known Jimin. All of these doubts float around your head, telling you to decline this.

But...she’s giving you something that no one else gave you after Jimin’s death: hope. You were always pessimistic and thought that hope was a fabrication created to brush away problems, but you never really knew the true weight behind the meaning of ‘hope’ until this supposed matchmaker gave it to you—her hand sprawled out, waiting for you to make a decision.

“...I’ll do it.”

She smiles. “Good.”

Your heart is thumping to hear what she has for you, clutching the talisman with both hands in anticipation.

“Rescue Jimin.”

“What…?” You look a little lost for words.

“Prevent his death. That’s it.”

“But how…?”

“Since I am your and Jimin’s matchmaker, I currently hold your lives in my hands. I can alter time and space in your worlds, though it is very limited.”

The woman pauses to bring her face close to yours until your vision is completely covered with her face.

“I can bring you back to when you first met Jimin.”

Your jaw drops, unable to believe what she had just said. You feel like you can cry with relief, glad that you have been given a second chance.

“But, here’s your catch: In order to prevent him from falling into the same path again, you mustn’t let him know of what happened in this world. You can’t tell him anything about it. That includes my first meeting with Jimin. I will let him walk off, never ever learning of your existence.”

You gulp, as that must sound more difficult than how she explains. “So that means…”

“Going back would mean that Jimin would not know who you are. All those feelings, memories, everything he had of you will be wiped out.”

You start to feel the weight of the task; Jimin’s life is in your hands. One wrong move can lead to his death again. You thought about the splatter of blood on the stairs, white tape that shapes his dead body...that lingering last words he told you before he went off to his fate. You start to doubt yourself once again, telling yourself that you’re not cut out to save him. But you know that chickening out won’t bring him back to life, so this path is better than leaving him dead permanently.

“I don’t care if he forgets about me. After all, he still approached me even when I knew nothing about him.”

“I like your confidence. So. All I need you to do now is close your eyes, maybe sleep for a little, then you’ll return to the day you met Jimin.”

“Wait! But...how do I know if what I do is right?”

She hums to herself, thinking about your question for a moment before answering. “I’m pretty sure Jimin laid out a handful of hints before he died. Just think about everything you two said and have done.”

Just think about everything he’s done?

“Before I do this, can I ask you one last thing?”

“What is it?”

“Why are you doing this? Helping people meet with their significant others, I mean.”

“...Let’s just say that I don’t like it when the world is hateful all the time,” she smiles. “Well then, goodnight, (Y/N).”

------

Jimin and his friend, Hoseok, are together in the backyard of the adoption center. Jimin, in a dirty, white tank top, is holding a long branch. He’s performing a song he made up in his head, using the branch so he can do air guitar. Hoseok is sitting across from him on the dusty ground, amazed by his performance.

Once Jimin is done, Hoseok applauds him. “Wow! That was so cool! Do it again!”

Jimin breaks the branch in half, trying to imitate those heavy metal guitarists who break their instruments whenever they get too into their music. He puts his hands to his hips, smiling widely and revealing his missing teeth.

“Nope! It costs money to see an encore.” Jimin grins proudly, despite mispronouncing the word ‘encore’ as ‘acorn’.

“Aw…” Hoseok slumps his shoulders dejectedly.

Hoseok purses his lower-lip up, almost as if he’s about to cry. Feeling bad, Jimin searches for another branch. He finds one, but it’s smaller than the first one.

“Alright, I’ll give it to you for free, since today’s your last day.”

Hoseok’s face brightens, clapping his hands.

Jimin sits crisscrossed, across from Hoseok, holding the branch in playing position, pondering on what song to play. Once a song hits him, he pretends to play a guitar, humming the tune that goes through his mind. Hoseok sits silently, not letting a single word pass through his mouth. While the other children are playing in the background,  Hoseok and Jimin are in their own worlds.

Jimin’s encore ends quickly, however, as he doesn’t remember the rest of it. “Happy?”

Hoseok nods.

“Hoseok! They’re waiting for you.” A woman yells from the back door.

Hoseok turns around, then back to Jimin. Hoseok has a look on his face that he doesn’t want to go yet. To cheer him up, Jimin grins, smacking him on the back.

“Don’t make your new parents wait!”

“...I wish we were going together.”

“Hey, don’t worry. One day, I’ll find a home, too. And then, we’ll both be happy.”

Jimin manages to make Hoseok smile. “Okay! Make sure you find a home before you grow up!!”

The two stand up, and Hoseok hugs Jimin one last time.

“Mrs. Lee always said that good kids will always find a home, right? Since you’re a good person, you’ll find a home in no time!”

And with that, Hoseok lets him go, waving goodbye forever before running off to his newly adopted parents. Jimin waves goodbye in return, waiting for Hoseok to close the front door behind him. Once he’s out of sight, Jimin curls up into a ball and begins to cry. Yet another friend has left, and he’s left behind.

At this rate, Jimin is worried that he’ll never be adopted. He’s the last of the older kids to not be adopted, and he overheard Mrs. Lee that older children tend to not get adopted. Hoseok said that Jimin will find a home eventually since he’s a good person, but he never did.

------

Jimin wasn’t expecting this town to have humid rain, so because of that, he’s worried that the bipolar weather is going to affect his guitar strings. Once he finds shelter, he’s going to have to check on his guitar.

He runs through the rainy weather, finding a large tree that’ll cover him until the rain stops. Once he gets under it, he shakes his head like a dog shaking the water off of its body. He sets his guitar case down, extending his long sleeve so he can wipe down the case, otherwise, the water will leak through.

While doing so, he can hear the sound of someone sniffling. When he looks up, he’s surprised to see that you’re sitting on the bench. Jimin was so focused on finding shelter that he didn’t notice you there.

When he glances over his shoulder, he can see that your head is lowered, staring at the palm of your hands as it trembles slightly. At first, Jimin thought that you’re shivering, but it’s too humid to be cold. That’s when he notices tears landing on your palms.

Suddenly, you raise your head up, making eye contact with Jimin. Jimin is surprised, somewhat embarrassed that you caught him staring at you. He looks around, trying to think of an excuse as to why he was staring at you.

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to uh...interrupt.”

You stand up unexpectedly. Jimin is waiting for you to pop off on him, but instead, you stare at him with wide eyes. He is about to ask if you’re alright when you suddenly pinch yourself on the forearm. You flinch, and Jimin is starting to wonder if he has encountered an insane woman.

“This is real…” You mutter to yourself.

Jimin is unsure what you mean by that. You begin to cry even more, and Jimin jolts, wondering if he did anything to make you burst into tears again. Did you just break up with your boyfriend? Is that why you’re crying so much? He doesn’t know, but he knows that it’s not right to leave a girl crying all by herself.

He looks through his pockets to look for anything that’ll help you wipe your tears away. However, he has nothing but receipts and coins in his pocket. He knows that in his guitar, there’s nothing but his wallet and a guitar pick. He can’t even comfort you properly.

Jimin sighs, wondering what he’s supposed to do now, but you could tell that he was trying to think of something to cheer you up. You can’t help but smile, chuckling to yourself.

“You don’t have to do anything, but I appreciate the thought.”

Jimin looks relieved that you said that. He doesn’t talk to people normally, nevertheless cheer someone up. But it is surprising that you already knew what he was trying to do even though he didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry if I was disturbing you. I’ll be leaving now.” You walk off into the rain, using your forearm to protect yourself.

As you move farther away from him, Jimin notices something pink on the bench catching his eyes. It’s an umbrella, presumably yours. He takes the umbrella and is about to call after you, but then he hesitates at first. He doesn’t even know your name. Besides, by the time he calls after you, you wouldn’t be able to hear him under the heavy pounding of a million droplets.

------

Every day, Jimin would sit at the bench where he saw you, hoping that he would run into you again. He thought that you would notice that your umbrella went missing, so you would go back to the park and look for it. However, you haven’t been there since that day, so he never got the opportunity to return it to you.

It’s already been a few days, and there has been no sign of you. Jimin is beginning to think that you’ll never come back for your umbrella. While sitting on the bench, Jimin decides to leave the umbrella there, hoping that maybe one day you’ll return to retrieve it. He’s aware of how irresponsible it is to leave it there, but he doesn’t have all the time to wait for you. If you don’t get it, he hopes that the umbrella will have a new home when someone finds it.

Because of that, Jimin never got the opportunity to explore the town. He’s been searching for a good spot to do a street performance, but he has yet to become familiar with the area. Since it’s late into the night, the town is surrounded with Christmas lights, despite it not being the holidays yet, busy streets filled with honking cars and people passing by the streets in a hurried manner.

This scene is all too familiar with Jimin. Despite having experienced many towns, they’re all generally the same. There has not been a single town that has sparked his interest to even settle down for longer than a week. He manages to find the center of the town, a small, square plaza. It’s the most crowded place out of the entire town, so of course, this attracts him as well.

Jimin makes his way through narrow gaps in between people, his head raised to peer over the heads. The plaza is surrounded by restaurants, souvenir shops, and even a pet store. It’s no wonder that so many people gather here; it’s got nearly every store imaginable.

But in the dead center of the plaza stands a fountain—three angels holding a vase and pouring water into the base of the cement sculpture. And sitting right at the edge is a familiar face. It’s you, sitting with your bag close to your chest, leaning forward and eyeing the area as if searching for someone. He never expected to meet you again, a mysterious girl who cried for reasons unknown to him.

You turn your head to him, then jumping to your feet when you two make eye contact. Jimin flinches, not expecting you to react in that way. You march right to his direction, and Jimin almost expected you to walk past him like you recognize someone from behind. But you didn’t. You stand in front of him, your eyes not leaving him. You look relieved to see him.

You want to say something, but nothing comes out of your mouth. You look like you’re contemplating, mumbling to yourself aloud, though Jimin can’t make sense of what you’re saying since this space is too loud.

“You’re the girl from the park, right?” He asks just to make sure he isn’t mistaking you for someone else.

You let a bit of your voice out, but you stop yourself immediately. Rather than speak, you simply nod your head.

“Are you waiting for a friend?”

You shake your head.

Jimin wants to bring up what happened at the park, but he feels as though it’s prying if he asks. You were, after all, sobbing like a baby. You even look like you want to cry right now.

“Well, it’s nice seeing you again. I wasn’t expecting to meet you here,” After saying that, Jimin remembers about your umbrella that he left at the park. “Crap! Your umbrella!!”

------

By the time you two returned to the bench at the park, your umbrella is nowhere to be seen. Jimin feels immensely at fault for that; had he not left it there, you would still have your umbrella.

“Oh my god...I’m so sorry.”

Jimin even wished for a strange to possibly take it home. He drops to the bench, spreading his body on the bench as he groans. He can’t believe that someone actually took your umbrella.

“I shouldn’t have left it here...Oh god, what do we do now?” He mumbles while dropping his entire weight on the bench.

Instead of getting upset, you start laughing. He’s perplexed by your response. Any normal human being would be upset, especially since it’s currently the rainy season. He thought that you were going to demand him to buy you another one, or at least say that it’s alright with a passive-aggressive tone.

“It’s fine. It’s not like I’m not going to survive without it,” Your laughter fades away slowly. “More like...it’s nice seeing you again.”

...You’re a very strange person. This is your second time meeting him, and yet you say that. But, Jimin doesn’t hate it exactly.

Jimin sits up properly, letting you sit next to him.

“Do you not play at the plaza?” You ask him.

“Eh, no. Actually, tonight was my first night there, but it does look like a great place to play though,” But then, Jimin realizes how this conversation took an unusual turn. “Wait, how did you know that I do street performances?”

You look just as surprised as him. You cover your mouth with an expression that you did something wrong.

“Uhm...intuition...I guess?” Your face is becoming flushed. “Anyway, you should play there. It’s got a lot of people.”

You sound confident, speaking to him with such familiarity. Is talking to him some form of distraction for you, concerning the reason for your crying the other day? If guessing that he’s a freelance musician is based on your intuition, then you must be some psychic.

Still, Jimin plays along with you. “I’ll consider it.”

“You should! People will love to hear from you!”

“Ah ha ha, I’m not so sure if they’ll even want to listen to me.”

You raise your knees up, hugging them with your arms and resting your head on it. “I want to hear you.”

You smile sweetly, and for some reason, that tugs on Jimin’s chest. “By the way, I never got your name-”

“Damn, that’s right!” You exclaim suddenly. “My name is (Y/N), and I’m currently a sophomore at X University. I’m studying psychology, though I don’t have a concentration yet. I spend all my time studying, so I don’t have any hobbies that I’m very interested in. So most of the time, I hang out at my school’s library working on assignments. I don’t really like the humid weather much, especially this weather. I especially hate it when it rains on a hot day! What about you?”

Jimin is taken aback by your friendliness. He’s never met someone so open about themselves on the second meeting.

“Oh yea, and I really, really like Busker Busker.”

And at that moment, Jimin feels a connection with you. “Wow, seriously?! I’ve never met anyone else who likes them. Usually, people only talk about pop music.”

“Well, I wasn’t into music at first, but I got into them because…” You trail off. “It reminds me of a friend.”

The mood of your voice changes dramatically, but your smile returns.

“I like them because...I dunno. I guess in a way, I can sympathize with their music if that makes sense.”

You let out a single chuckle. “Yea...It’s getting kind of late, I should be heading back.”

You get up from the bench, checking the time on your phone to reveal it to be 10 P.M. Jimin doesn’t bother keeping a watch or a phone, so he doesn’t know the time or date most of the time. He just knows what month he’s in and approximately the time.

Jimin thinks about escorting you back home since it’s late, but he’s concerned that you might think it’s suspicious that a stranger is asking to take you to your house. So Jimin decides not to ask you.

“Hey.” You say.

“Hm?”

“You have to play at the plaza. Promise me.”

Jimin is a bit surprised that you would say that so forwardly.

“I will,” Jimin is about to walk off when he remembers something. “By the way, my name is Jimin.”

You smile from ear to ear, looking genuinely overjoyed to hear that. “It’s nice to meet you, Jimin.”

------

The moment you spotted Jimin in the big crowd, you made sure that Jimin and everyone else noticed you. At the town plaza, you’re sitting by the fountain again, flailing your arms everywhere and shouting for Jimin to come. The people around Jimin are staring at you, a few of them asking why you’re being so obnoxious. This makes Jimin feel embarrassed, making him scrunch his shoulders.

You were serious when you wanted him to play here, even going as far as reserving the spot at the fountain just for him. Because of the unwanted attention you’re creating, Jimin is even considering beelining to the opposite direction. However, it’s already too late since you already saw him. Jimin approaches you, keeping his head low so that no one would recognize his face.

“Jimin, I saved you a spot.” You say excitedly.

Why do you look so happy to see him? Anyway, you scoot over to give him some space. Jimin didn’t notice earlier than you had a grocery bag next to you. You take out a soda can and give it to him.

“I figured you might want something to drink.”

Though he doesn’t want to take it, you did take the time to buy it for him, so he can’t decline. “Thanks.”

He was expecting you to leave afterward, but you just sit there. Jimin takes out his guitar, tuning his strings before playing. All the while, you stare intensely at him, your eyes not once leaving him.

“Uhm...can you not stare at me? It’s making me uncomfortable.”

His request seemed to have hurt your feelings a little bit. You realize what you’re doing, so you move away, giving him some space.

“Oh, sorry.”

Once Jimin finishes tuning, he strums all six strings before playing. He counts the tempo in his head, then begins playing Love is Timing by Busker Busker.

In a perfect situation, at the end of our fate

Each person’s scar goes into each’s fate

It’s made into a memory, the quiet scars

To each fate’s, to each fate

During the first few verses, there weren’t that many people who were listening to Jimin. It didn’t matter because that’s how it usually is during the first few songs. The only person who listens is you. Every time he saw you, you had that goofy smile on your face, but this time, you look serious.

When I think about it, I guess we were probably not meant to be

If only I was there when I should have been there

When it comes to destiny and fate, I guess timing is important

If only I was there when I should have been there

Back then

Eventually, Jimin was able to pick up a few listeners, at most five to six people. Some of them toss money into his guitar case, while others choose to listen only. This is normal to Jimin, as the quantity doesn’t matter to him. All that matters is that he can perform as much as he can.

When the song finishes, Jimin receives a small amount of applause. Like earlier, Jimin was expecting you to be staring at him again, but you’re not. Your attention is focused on someone else. Among the small crowd, there’s a man wearing black, thick-framed glasses, gray flannel, green flannel, gray scarf, and has a goatee. If Jimin had one word to describe that man, it would be ‘hipster’. You’re not letting your gaze leave that man. He wonders if you have any relations to him. Regardless, it’s none of his business, and he decides to continue to play more songs.

------

Jimin’s street concert comes to an end, two hours passing by. It’s already 8 P.M., but the plaza is still as busy as ever. This whole time, you stayed by his side, listening to every second of his performance. You seemed to have enjoyed it, though you weren’t applauding like how everyone else did.

You finally stand up from your spot, stretching your arms and twisting your body to loosen your tense muscles. “I’m going to use the restroom. Can you wait here for me?”

“O-okay…”

You search for a nearby public restroom. Jimin doesn’t know why he has to wait for you, but now that you asked him to, he can’t bring himself to ditch you. When he looks down, it seems like you forgot to bring your phone. He can’t help but heave out a laugh, wondering if you’re that forgetful with your things.

Jimin returns his guitar in his case, and while doing so, he feels someone tapping him on the shoulder.

He turns around to see the hipster guy from before. “Hi there.”

“Hello.”

“I was watching your performance earlier, and it was amazing! The name’s Miles, and I’m an international student from the United States studying at X University.”

‘X University’...it sounds familiar.

“I’m in charge of the Garage Band Club.”

“The...Garage Band Club?”

“Back in the day, American teens used to perform in front of their homes with their garages open, performing classic rock songs from the 70s and 80s. It’s died down now, but there’s still a few who do it.”

Jimin has never heard of a practice such as that. He’s never seen one in person, but it must’ve been fun.

“I was wondering if you wanted to join my band temporarily.”

Jimin’s eyes widen. He has been offered solo gigs before just to perform for one night in restaurants but never asked to join a band. Jimin doesn’t know how it’s like to play in a band because he’s always performed alone.

He averts his eyes from Miles. “I dunno...I don’t attend your school, and I’m not really familiar with American music.”

“That’s fine! We have a drummer who goes to a different school, but she comes to band rehearsals. And besides, we still band some legendary Korean bands like Crash and Sanulrim.”

Jimin usually doesn’t turn down gigs, but this is definitely one where he doesn’t want to participate in. He’s not very good when it comes to people, so he wouldn’t know if he would be able to cooperate with them.

“They’re not really in my field.”

“It’s just temporary. Our acoustic guitarist broke his arm, and we really need one, and you fit it perfectly. Besides, the bands get a small portion of the money from ticket sells regardless if we’re good or not. After that, we won’t bother you anymore.”

The whole ‘money’ spiel sounds more convincing. After all, Jimin is a traveling musician, and getting money with every chance he gets, he’ll take it.

“How much time do we have until the concert date?”

“October 13th. We still have a good two-to-three months to get to know each other.”

It’s a coincidence that it just so happens to land on his birthday as well, but it isn’t like he’s going to do anything important. His birthday is like any other day, so it doesn’t hurt to accept this offer. He’ll just have to deal with Miles and his band.

“JIMIN!”

Out of the blue, Jimin and Miles hear you shout from the top of your lungs. You were loud enough that other people were frightened by your booming voice. Jimin thought that you went to the restroom, so why are you here?

You march right for them with a worried expression on your face. You pick up your phone that you forgot by accident.

You flash a plastic smile at Miles. “Hey there! Sorry for being rude, but I forgot my phone while using the bathroom,” You press the home button to check the time, then you gasp in an exaggerated tone. “It’s getting kinda late, so Jimin and I have to get going now. Bye.”

You grab Jimin by the wrist, dragging him away from Miles. Jimin tells you to wait, but you ignore him. Miles is left alone, confused with who you are.

------

In a quiet neighborhood just on the other side of the plaza, you and Jimin speed through the streets. Jimin has been telling you to let go of his wrist politely, but you seem so focused on your own thoughts that you don’t hear him.

Finally, at the brink of his patience, Jimin pulls his hand away from you. You look at him with a surprised expression, as if questioning why he would do that. Don’t look at me like I’m at fault, Jimin thinks. It’s rude to think like that, but it’s true.

“Why did you pull me away like that?? I was still talking to him.”

Jimin has been trying to be polite because you’re pushing yourself into his life too much, and he never asked for that.

“I’m...sorry.”

You look clearly hurt by his words. Though Jimin thought that this isn’t his fault, he does feel guilty that he might’ve led you on into thinking that you two have become friends. But, what exactly does Jimin have that makes you latch onto him so quickly?

“Sorry I...I didn’t mean to sound so harsh…”

You raise your head up, giving him a pained smile. “It’s understandable.”

Jimin doesn’t know what else to say. You look like you took his words to heart. How do you console someone after hurting their feelings?

“Do I creep you out?” You ask suddenly.

Jimin is hesitant to give you an answer. Forget having to console you, how can Jimin tell you that you really do creep him out without having to hurt your feelings?

“Eh...uhm...Look, I think you’re a nice girl, and everything, but...I think you’re just a bit too...overwhelming?”

You gasp under your breath. Jimin didn’t mean to have his words roll out like that, but it’s just that you gave him such a difficult question to answer. How else was he supposed to answer?

“Sorry…”

“No, it’s okay. I did ask...I know I’m weird and all to you, and everything I’m probably doing now doesn’t make any sense, but can I ask you to do one thing?”

“What is it?”

“Don’t accept Miles’s offer.”

Jimin is shocked that you would ask for such a thing. “Why? Do you know him?”

“No, not really.” You look away. With that guilty look on your face, there’s no way that you’re not hiding something from him.

“Is he a bad person?”

“It’s not that! It’s just…maybe it’s not a good idea that you accept his offer. Wouldn’t it be complicated having to go to rehearsals all the time?”

That’s true, but still, it’s not your decision to make. They may sound like reasonable excuses for you, but you have no right to dictate his life.

“That’s not a big deal. Commuting to rehearsals won’t be an issue.”

“Don’t you have performances to do here? Wouldn’t that take time out of that?”

“I know, but it doesn’t hurt trying it out.”

“But-”

“Look,” Jimin interrupts you abruptly. “I know that you’re probably trying to look out for me, but it’s my choice whether I want to do this or not. And unless you have a good reason, otherwise, I’m going to join them.”

You look as if you want to continue pushing out that you don’t want him to join, but Jimin is being stubborn. You crease your eyebrows with a frustrated expression.

“I can’t...Can you just not join?” Your voice cracks a little. “It’s not like you really need to join them. You’re fine on your own, and you always have been, right?”

Jimin doesn’t like how you talk so casually with him, but for some reason, your last statement of him being fine that he’s alone pushed it. He doesn’t know why, but it just ticked him off for some reason. Maybe it’s because it reminded him of how no one has ever wanted him in his entire life, and it’s almost as if you’re rubbing it in his face.

“It’s easy for you to say that because you had a good life with people who cared about you. Sorry I didn’t live a comfortable life like you.” Jimin states bluntly.

You’re left speechless, lowering your head to hide your face from him. Jimin had just said that because of the mood. He wanted the conversation to end quickly.

You finally look up, your face slowly turning red from anger. “You don’t know that! You don’t know anything about me at all, so how can you say that about me?!”

“Well, compared to mine, your life was definitely a lot better!” Jimin has no idea why he’s starting an argument with someone who’s practically a stranger, but there’s just blood boiling inside him. “The same can be said about you. You talk to me like you know me.”

You bite your bottom lip, blocking any words from slipping out. You seem to be so infuriated that you start to shed tears, and your face is still as red as a tomato.

“...You don’t understand anything at all, and it’s even more frustrating that I can’t say anything. You’re nothing like him.”

“Wait, what? What do you mean?”

“I must be annoying you, right? Then...I’ll be leaving.”

You walk the opposite direction, striding off. Jimin wants to stop you and ask you what you meant by the last phrase. Did you just compare him to somebody else? But to who? Jimin also couldn’t grasp what you meant when you said that he wouldn’t understand.

But that’s now the last of his worries. After thinking rationally again, Jimin just remembered that you were crying not too long ago, so you must still be hurting, probably even more since Jimin made it worse. There’s also the fact that he owes you a new umbrella. As much as a pest you are, you’re still nice. You didn’t get upset when he lost your umbrella, and you even bought him a drink and saved him a spot at the plaza. He was too busy trying to protect himself from you that he didn’t stop to think about you.

Jimin groans as he scratches the back of his head. This is exactly why he doesn’t like to make any sort of relationship with anyone; he’s the last person to know how to talk to someone properly.

------

“Jimin!” You exclaim.

To his surprise, you’re at the plaza again, giving him that goofy smile of yours and flailing your arms like it’s nobody’s business. It hasn’t even been more than a day and it’s as if Jimin never got you upset.

You pat the spot next to you, jumping up and down from your spot like an impatient dog waiting to receive their treat. Jimin approaches you, waiting for you to say something concerning about what happened the night prior, but you don’t bring it up. Instead, you show him a grocery bag that you bought.

“I don’t know if you ate dinner already, so I bought some pre-packaged food. Don’t worry about it being cold. I microwaved it at the store. I was about to buy you soda again, but I searched up that soda isn’t good for a vocalist, so I changed my mind and bought water. And then! I couldn’t help myself, so I bought these cute coffee bread that has pandas printed on them. Cute right?”

You show him the bread that you impulsively bought. They’re definitely cute, but they’re not Jimin’s main focus. You’re behaving as if last night never happened. While you run your hand inside the grocery bag, Jimin squints at you, preparing to hear you explode, only to be met with nothing.

You finally catch on with why Jimin has been quiet all this time, so you give him a reassuring smile. “I’m not mad about last night anymore.”

“You’re not?”

You shake your head. “I said some sensitive things, and I probably sounded controlling. Besides, life’s too short to be angry at someone for too long.”

Jimin doesn’t know if you’re saying that just to hide how angry you still are, or if you really did forgive him.

“I said some pretty harsh things too, so I’m sorry.”

He remembers how you were upset after he said that you lived a comfortable life. Sure, you probably had a roof to stay under and people who care about you, but there are problems that you go through that he’ll probably never face in his life. Plus, he can’t forget how much you were crying that day. He can never get that image out of his head.

You raise your water bottle, imitating a cheer. “You have been forgiven.”

------

Jimin was supposed to start playing like normal, but he’s been too caught up with talking to you that he forgot. He learns that you’re not originally from this town. In fact, you’re from the other side of the country, but you chose this city because the university is well-known for its psychology department. You’re an only child, though you keep joking around that you probably have half-siblings somewhere out there that you’re unaware of. You also mention how your parents just recently divorced, saying that it was expected, but took too long for them to realize that your parents aren’t just meant to be.

“I think my parents stayed together for my sake though. They waited until I turned eighteen so that they don’t have to go through the struggle of custody battles.” You take a sip of your water bottle.

You were talking so much that your throat was becoming dry, so you were drinking a lot of water. Because of that, your water bottle is almost empty. Jimin rarely spoke, just listening to your life story.

“I’m sorry your parents divorced.”

“Hmm, it’s fine. Everyone falls out of love eventually…” You chug the last of your water, crushing it afterward. “Do you know what the secret is behind falling in love?”

“What is it?”

“Dopamine.”

“Dopa...what?”

“I learned it in my first ever psych class. When you see someone that fancies you, your dopamine is released and thus enhances your testosterone. It fluctuates your emotional level, making it feel as if you’re in complete euphoria during the early stages of falling in love. The increase in testosterone also affects a person’s aggressiveness, pushing them to target the person of their interest and pursue them.”

Everything you said just now sounds so foreign to Jimin. Dopamine? Testosterone? He’s not surprised that you talk like a scientist. You are studying in psychology.

“But did you know that it takes like an average of 4-6 years for those reactions to fade away? Funny enough, divorce rates are roughly after that time period,” You stop talking briefly. “It took eighteen and a half years for my parents to finally consider divorce...but it only took five years for their marriage to fall apart. Says a lot, doesn’t it?”

You toss the crushed water bottle into a nearby recycling bin, and it successfully lands inside. Jimin can’t believe that you can so casually about your parents’ divorce. Sure, Jimin never had a solid parental role model, but from what he heard from other people, they make it a big deal about their parents separating. But you bring it up like it’s nothing.

“And how do you feel about it all?”

You look at him with a smile on your face. “If I didn’t know you, I’d say that I’m fine with it because it’s my parents’ choice, but in all honesty, I hate them for that. They wasted less than two decades hopelessly clinging onto something that never existed. With my parents’ past, I’m scared that I’ll end up being like them.”

Even though you’re smiling right now, he can see the corner of your lips quivering. You’re trying to put up a strong front when in reality, your parents' divorce took a toll on you more than you make it seem.

“You say that people fall out of love between 4-6 years right?”

“Yea.”

“What about those people who made it through that period? There is a handful who remain loyal to each other until the end too.”

“Well...you’re right…”

“So then that means you still have a chance of not becoming like them. Besides, from the way you describe your parents, they sound really cold, but you’re too nice. I can guarantee that you’re nothing like them, and you never will be.”

Just then, Jimin had this sense of deja vu run through him. This is the first time he’s talked to someone about this topic, but it feels like a second time.

Meanwhile, you look completely shocked, his words catching you off guard. Without warning, tears start rolling down your cheeks. This scares Jimin, making him panic and wonder if he said something to offend you again.

“I-I’m sorry!” Jimin exclaims.

“It’s okay, you didn’t say anything wrong. I’m just happy, that’s all,” You take out a napkin from the grocery bag, wiping your tears away then blowing snot on it. “I’m sorry, I swear I actually don’t cry this much. I guess I’m just so used to bottling up my feelings that I don’t even know how to control my own emotions when I finally get the chance to vent.”

Jimin’s relieved that you’re not crying because you’re upset, but he doesn’t know why he’s relieved. It isn’t like he knows you all that well.

“Don’t apologize about something everyone does. You’re just expressing that you’re human.”

You clean your nose with a napkin due to the excessive snot that came out more than expected. When you pull the napkin away, your nose is red from the pressure that was applied on it. But your Rudolph nose doesn’t take away how captivating your smile is.

You giggle like a child. “You’re right! Thanks for listening to me, Jimin.”

There’s that tugging feeling in his chest again. He can’t believe that just last night, he yelled at you. Now, Jimin feels horrible for doing that. You go through so much, yet you hide it. Jimin doesn’t know you that well, but he hopes that in the future, you can rely on him, and maybe he’ll gather the courage to talk about his life. For now, all he wants is for you to never cry painfully ever again.

------

Every night, you always wait at the fountain near the plaza for Jimin. You always have food and drinks prepared for him, but lately, you’ve been cooking. Maybe because it’s been a while since Jimin had home cooked meals, but he thinks your cooking is delicious. He sees you every day to the point where he starts to get excited just thinking about seeing you.

And after eating together, Jimin would play his guitar with you watching next to him. Even though people stop every so often to listen to him, you’re always the one watching him from beginning to end. He’s never has someone sit through the whole concert, and although it made Jimin self-conscious about his playing, he grew to become used to you. In fact, he’s slowly starting to like having you watch him.

The tense air he has when he was with her has finally dissipated, and you two have begun casually talking to each other. It’s already been a month since Jimin came to this town, and though it’s usually about the time Jimin should be leaving, he just can’t bring himself to bring it up and tell you. He knows it’s bad to drag out his relations with you, but he doesn’t want to leave just yet.

Today, however, is different. You’re not here like how you usually are. Jimin looks around the fountain but doesn’t see you anywhere. He tries to look over the heads of the many people occupying the town’s plaza, but you’re nowhere to be seen. He quickly brushes this off though, assuming that you’re either running late or had to use the restroom.

He sets his guitar case down, taking out his tan instrument. While doing so, he thinks about all the times you’ve brought food for him. You must have a lot of money in your wallet to be able to afford to buy convenience food every night. Although, that might be the reason why you switched to cooking for some nights. There’s no way a typical college student can afford to buy food every single night. Jimin really likes that time the most though, getting to sit down and eat dinner with someone. He can’t remember the last time he ate and talked to someone at the same time.

But as happy as he is to spend every night with you, Jimin can’t stand letting you be the one paying for his nightly meals. Unfortunately, Jimin doesn’t have enough money to repay for all the food that you owe him, but you kept brushing it off, telling him that he doesn’t owe you; you’re doing this on your own volition. Still, Jimin wants to repay you—not only for the food, but for the stolen umbrella as well. Jimin sighs by just thinking about how much he owes you.

While tuning his guitar, Jimin sees a shadow hovering in front of him, getting bigger as it moves closer. He looks up to see a familiar face; it’s Miles. He waves diligently, holding a coffee cup. Jimin had forgotten about him since that night.

“Hi Jimin, do you remember me?”

Jimin nods. “Miles, right?”

“I’m glad you remember! Mind if I sit down next to you?”

“Go ahead.”

Jimin scoots to give him space, and Miles sits down next to him. “It’s been humid lately, hasn’t it?”

“Yea, it has.”

“Honestly, I don’t know why I registered for summer classes too. My crazy head wants to graduate early, so I tend to register for as many classes as my schedule allows me to.”

Jimin has a feeling that Miles isn’t here to have small talk. At any moment, Miles will bring up the conversation about participating at his university’s concert.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about the concert, and I still think you should perform there.”

There he goes. Jimin isn’t surprised he brought it up.

“Last time we spoke, we got interrupted by your girlfriend.”

Jimin’s cheeks burns with embarrassment. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Oh? Sorry about that. It’s just that whenever I come to watch you sing, she’s always sitting next to you. I thought that since she got the VIP seat, AKA right next to you, that you two are dating.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Anyway, every time I want to talk to you, she’s always there. I never went up to you again because I as afraid that she’ll try to block you from me.”

Jimin doesn’t know why, but he can’t help but think it’s kind of cute how you would get protective over him, despite the reality of it is that that’s not healthy. Maybe it’s because he’s not used to someone so attached to him as you are that he finds it acceptable.

“I know it’s a bit late, but what do you say to the offer?”

‘Don’t accept Miles’s offer’ is what you warned him. Jimin thought it was also a bit strange that you knew his name too even though you weren’t there for their entire conversation previously either. Perhaps you two have a past that he’s unaware of?

That’s when it hit him. “Wait...Miles, you said that you go to X University, right?”

“That’s right.”

It makes sense now why the name of that university sounds so familiar. You go to that school as well. That might make sense why you don’t want him to participate. Perhaps there’s something suspicious that you know about Miles that he doesn’t show in front of Jimin.

“Well, you did seem more interested when I brought up the topic of money.”

Jimin’s ears perk up.

“Like I said, everyone who performs earns money regardless. It’s not much, but it’s still payment. You’re a wandering musician, right? I’m pretty sure money is hard to come by sometimes.”

The urge to join just for the money is difficult to resist. It’s always been Jimin’s rule since the day he made the commitment of becoming a musician that he’d take any opportunity that has money involved. However, your caution keeps ringing in his ears, telling you to refuse the offer. He doesn’t want you to get upset at him for not listening.

“You don’t have to use the money for yourself. Why don’t you use it to buy something for your friend?”

Jimin looks up, the intensity in his head fading away. “What?”

“Like I said, I come watch you every night. Of course, I see you two talk all the time, and she’s always bringing you food right? Why don’t you use it to repay her?”

Jimin never thought about it that way. He still owes you for all the food you brought him as well as the missing umbrella. This would be a great opportunity to repay you. Besides, even if he doesn’t do well, he’ll still get the money.

“But...isn’t it too late to join your band?”

Miles shakes his head. “It is a bit late, so we won’t have time to work together, unfortunately. But, one of the bands opted out, so there’s an open space. I was wondering if you wanted to fill in that spot before anyone else can. You can perform whatever you want, but the maximum is three songs. So, what do you say?”

This opportunity is too good to miss. Jimin knows how upset you’ll get if you found out, but you’ll probably forgive him if he explains that it’s to return everything you’ve done for him.

“How do I sign up?”

“Meet me at the Watkins Library in X University at 11 A.M. tomorrow, and we can talk to the one in charge of the event to get you in.”

“Okay.”

“Great! I hope to see you tomorrow!” Miles shines a smile.

He waves goodbye before leaving, and Jimin is now left with the problem of having to tell you what he had just done. Since you go to the same school, it’s unavoidable meeting you there, so he might as well come out and say it rather than hiding it. Keeping it a secret will only worsen the situation.

After half an hour, you finally arrive, rushing to him. With the humid weather and having to use your body physically, you’re sweating profusely.

Despite being out of breath, you still muster a smile. “Hey Jimin, sorry I’m late. There was traffic, so the bus was running late.”

“Oh, it’s fine.”

Unsurprisingly, there’s a grocery bag in your hand. He guesses that this time, you brought a home-cooked meal. You take the open spot next to him, the same spot Miles sat, and open the grocery bag to reveal a Tupperware. He was right, you cooked this time.

While you open your mouth to speak, Jimin’s mind drifts off, thinking about the agreement he made with Miles. When is he supposed to bring it up? What will your reaction be? Will you retaliate like how you did before? Jimin can’t keep these questions at bay.

“Jimin? Are you okay?” You break the tension.

“Huh? Oh, yea, I’m fine.”

It’s to repay her. I’m not doing anything bad, Jimin tries to convince himself. There’s nothing wrong with signing up. Because you look really interested in what you’re talking about, he’ll tell you afterward, and in a more private setting as well.

------

Two hours go by, and throughout that time, Jimin had been thinking about how he should tell you about the concert. He’s aware of how much he’s over thinking about this, but he’s just afraid to hurt you. There’s still that lingering feeling that he betrayed you, even though he’s doing this for you.

In your neighborhood, Jimin walks you back, and all you’ve been doing is talking. He’s been spacing out, thinking about the concert. By now, you’ve noticed how off he’s been ever since you met him tonight.

“Jimin? You’ve been quiet lately. Did something happen?” You ask with a concerned voice.

With the way you phrased it, it makes him not want to bring it up even more, but he has to. “It’s not really a big deal but…remember that guy, Miles, and the offer he gave me?”

Your smile disappears. “…What about it?”

“Well…before you came, he talked to me about it.”

“Oh god…” There’s that same look of horror on your face—the same one you had when Miles first approached him. “Please…please tell me you refused.”

“…It wasn’t technically the same offer…but he said that there was an opening and had asked if I would like to take it. And…I’m considering it.”

You don’t have any words to say. He can already tell that you’re against this, so he tries to think of anything to convince you otherwise.

“I haven’t signed the application yet! Also, I’m doing this because-”

“…Please…don’t do it.”

Jimin was expecting you to say that, but it still surprised him. “B-but you're suspicious of Miles, right? I know how wary you are of him, and I thought about what you said. That’s why I’m doing it on my own.”

“That’s not it! Miles isn’t the problem…It’s the entire event itself.”

Jimin is confused with what you mean by the entire event being the problem.

“I mean— you don’t…shouldn’t…You can’t—!” Each time you try starting a sentence, you don’t finish it.

Your mind must be frantic, jumping from one thought process to another. He had a feeling you wouldn’t like his decision, but he didn’t think you’d be this shaken.

“Jimin! Absolutely don’t go anywhere near the concert! Stay away from it!” Your eyes begin to well up.

“What?? Why??”

“Because…I…I don’t…” You begin to breathe heavily. “I don’t know what to say…!”

Jimin puts his hands on your shoulders. You’ve been a mysterious person since the first meeting, being nice to him when it isn’t necessary and giving you warnings with no explanations. You don’t tell him why you’re doing all of this, and this is driving him crazy. What did he do to deserve all this??

“(Y/N)! Calm down.”

You do as he says, and you manage to control your breathing.

“…I need to know what you’re so concerned about. I feel restless if you don't explain everything to me. If you tell me why, then I’ll turn it down again.”

You look down, sniffling as you pull yourself together. “…I can’t bring myself to see you go on that stage…and lose you.”

‘Lose you’? How would performing at your school be considered as losing him?

“I like you, Jimin.” You confess in a low voice.

“Wh…what…?”

He almost can’t believe what you just said. You just confessed that you like him…but why? Romantically? As friends?

“I’ve always wanted to say it, but I was too scared to admit it. I’m just scared about the thought of liking someone and being rejected, so I always kept quiet. But...but I feel like if I don’t say it now, it’ll be too late.”

This is the first time someone has ever confessed to liking Jimin. Usually, he would cut ties with the other before building a solid enough relationship to have those words being said. Because of that lack of experience, he doesn’t know how to respond. He’s hesitant with your confession, his bottom lip quivering slightly.

When he thinks about it logically, is it possible for someone to like someone else within a month? He doesn’t know, but what he does know is that he feels as though a month has not been enough for you to determine that you like him. He doesn’t understand why you would like a homeless man such as him.

Jimin gently pushes you away, averting his eyes. “...I think you’re mistaking your feelings.”

You looked shocked.

“It’s too soon judge whether you like me or not. I mean...I like you too, but not in that way.”

You use the palm of your hand to wipe away the tears. Once you do, you look up, giving him a smile.

“You’re right. What was I thinking? I guess I was being too cocky. There’s no way we can like each other, right? Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

There’s that hurt expression in your eyes, but you’re trying to hide it with your smile. Once again, Jimin hurt you. It’s that same look on your face you had when he first met you. Every time Jimin is with you, all you do is give, but in return, he hurts you. It frustrates him knowing that he can never satisfy you.

But then...he wants to know why he’s so concerned with making you happy. His thoughts have been occupied with nothing else but you lately. Jimin is always thinking about your cheeky smile and how contagious it is that he can’t but smile along with you. But you cry a lot, and that’s because you went through something tragic that he isn’t aware of. Jimin wishes he can patch it up, but he indirectly opens the wound even more.

Would you still have fallen for me…?

Jimin hears a static ringing in his ears. He covers it, a voice creeping into his ears. It sounds familiar.

Would you still have fallen in love with me without those visions…?

“Wh-what…? Visions? ...I…”

“Jimin…? Are you okay?” Jimin begins to lose his balance, and you hold onto him by his forearms.

When he compares your voice to the one he hears, there’s no mistaking it. It’s your voice, but you never said those words to him. But...in the back of his head, he swears that he’s heard them before. He tries to focus on where he heard your voice before, but that constant ringing in his ears is so loud that he can’t. It almost feels like his skull is about to crack.

People don’t want to hear something perfect and soulless. They want to hear something filled with life and passion.

Fragments of unfamiliar memories flash through his mind. All of it is of you doing various activities. But in these memories, none of them are of you crying. You look a lot happier, much better than now.

But in the midst of those memories of you, there’s a voice that plays in his head, and it’s not yours, but his.

It’s not my intention to hurt you.

Jimin remembers standing in front of your university’s canteen, despite never being there before, looking at you straight in the eyes. He remembers saying that to you, and you were frightened of him. Those words ring his ears, unaware of the context of that memory, but still feeling guilty that he couldn’t keep his promise. If his voice claims that he does not intend on hurting you, then he’s failed at his job because he’s made you cry more than necessary.

“O-oh no…! Jimin, what’s wrong?!”

Jimin is overwhelmed with guilt and sadness that he doesn’t know how to convey it properly. He keeps stuttering, wanting to ask if you two met before, but no words come out. There’s a part of him that feels hollow as if there’s a missing piece inside of him. But it’s even more frustrating when he doesn’t know what it is that’s missing.

The static noise is so loud that it makes Jimin light-headed, but you hold onto him. “Jimin? Can you hear me?”

Suddenly, Jimin cups both of your cheeks. You’re frozen, unsure of what he’s doing, but he’s just as confused as you are. It feels almost as if he’s in a trance, and someone else is taking control of his body. And without hesitation, Jimin leans in and kisses you on the lips.

However, he quickly pulls back, realizing what he has done. Jimin pulls his hands away, covering his mouth while you stare at him in a daze. It starts to sink in that he had just kissed you impulsively, and now his face is flushed with red.

“I didn’t mean to...I…”

Due to his embarrassment, Jimin instinctively turns the opposite direction and runs off. He doesn’t know what overcame him. He feels so humiliated about what happened, especially after he turned down your confession as well.

------

“Ong Seohyun.” The principal announces.

In the school auditorium, the seats are filled with parental guardians and the stage with students who have received excellent scores for their honor classes. Each time a student has been called, they would walk to the front of the stage, shake the principal’s hand, then receive their certificate. Adults would applaud in the background, though depending on how many family members came to the ceremony, the decibel of the applaud varies.

“Park Jimin.”

Unlike for Ong Seohyun, Jimin receive minor, pitiful applauds. However, that doesn’t deter Jimin whatsoever. He worked hard to get perfect scores, so he deserves this. However, the students around him mumble to themselves, surprised to hear Jimin’s name being called out.

“What? Jimin’s here too?”

“What the hell?”

“I thought he was taking all regular classes.”

As the students murmur to themselves, Jimin proudly marches to the front with a big grin on his face. The principal reaches his hand out, and Jimin shakes it.

“Congratulations.” He whispers to Jimin.

“Thank you.”

Typically, there would be a few parents taking pictures of their child receiving the certificate, but due to Jimin’s circumstance, no one takes pictures of him. The only person who takes a picture is the photographer that the school hired so that the parents can buy the photos later. Jimin and the principal look at the camera and flash a smile.

Jimin walks out from behind the backstage, feeling ecstatic. He can’t believe it! He’s one of the honor students! He couldn’t be more happy for himself. The students have been given extra time afterward to finish up the ceremony, a majority of them meet with their family. Jimin heads straight to the food stand, where parents have volunteered to bring food, though a majority of them brought chips and cookies.

He grabs a plate, picking out one cookie of each type, and while doing so, a student with her parents line up behind him.

“I’m so proud of you, kiddo.” the father says, patting her on the head.

“Dad, stop! That’s embarrassing.”

“But I can’t help but be so proud!”

“Honey, your grandma wants to celebrate, so after school, let’s go buy a cake.” her mother suggests.

“Sure! I want a strawberry cake.”

Listening to their conversation, Jimin feels a pit growing in his chest. I wish I got cake...Jimin thought to himself. He barely even gets a cake from his foster parents. If anything, they always return him before an opportunity arises. There are too many kids with different birthdays at the adoption center, so at most he gets a ‘happy birthday’ from the head owner, IF she remembers. He doubts she’ll even congratulate him on this either.

After getting cookies and a cup of red fruit punch, Jimin searches for a place to sit. However, all of the benches are taken by the students and their families. Jimin is surrounded by loved-ones congratulating their children on their hard work. As he searches for a place to stay, he is only entrapped with loving families, all in their own worlds and spending time with their families.

Eventually, Jimin finds an empty spot at a grassy area, the number of families not as high, but still existing in his peripheral. With no one on either side, Jimin can do nothing but bear witness to the unconditional love he’s never received. He’s familiar with some of these students being bullies, but their parents still love them regardless. Meanwhile, Jimin has to earn that love, but despite the good grades, he failed on something as common as being loved.

Though he’s aware that he has no parents, it never really hit him now how truly lonely it feels to be an orphan. But it hits him even harder that he’s already 16 and yet still unwanted. Adopters are looking for fresh, young meat, nothing someone as stale as Jimin. It’s passed his prime of finding a family—so he’ll never be able to experience what it’s like to be treasured by another person.

A lump forms in this throat as he tries to swallow his cookies, holding back the tears as much as he can. While surrounded by the sound of laughter and affection, Jimin wishes that once for his life, someone would tell him that they love him no matter what. Just for a moment, he’d like to know how that feels.

------

“Oh, Jimin? You’re here again?” Miles calls out to Jimin when he noticed him from a distance.

Miles approaches Jimin, who’s sitting on a concrete bench alone. He’s sitting near the university’s library, nothing to protect him from the humid rain. Miles pities him, so he hovers his umbrella over his head.

“Yea…” is all Jimin can say.

Ever since Jimin came with Miles to apply for the concert, Jimin has been coming to the campus library during his free time. He recalls that whenever you’re not in class or in the plaza, you’ll be in the library. Unfortunately, every time Jimin waits, he never sees you come in or out, which concerns him that he may have misheard the library location.

Jimin waited at the plaza for you, but you stopped showing up since that night. He’s concerned that he really hurt you this time, so he’s trying to make amends, but other than the university and plaza, Jimin doesn’t know where else to find you. There’s always the neighborhood where you live, but he doesn’t know your exact address.

“Have you been practicing?” Miles asks.

“Yea, I have.” He lies straight through his teeth.

Jimin hasn’t practice even once because he’s been using all his time to look for you. It’s pointless to even practice when the reason for practicing isn’t here with him. He can’t focus on anything other than you.

Miles notices how scratchy Jimin’s voice sounds. When Jimin spoke, he started coughing, an itchy sensation tickling his throat.

“Are you okay?”

“Yea, I’m good. Never mind that, Miles…have you seen (Y/N) around?”

“(Y/N)...?” Miles thinks long and hard if he’s ever heard that name before. “I don’t know anyone with that name...By any chance, is she the friend you always talk to?”

“Yea, I haven’t been seeing her around, so I’ve been kind of looking for her.”

“Did you get her upset by any chance?”

“I...don’t know, but I do know that I’ve said some things that might’ve hurt her. I want to get the chance to apologize, and I’m worried that she might be avoiding me because of it.”

“Is that so?” Miles raises an eyebrow. “I know I asked this before, but just to make sure, you two aren’t dating, right?”

“We’re not.”

“Oh, is this the classic unrequited love that I’ve heard of by any chance?” Miles asks teasingly.

Jimin’s cheeks turn slightly red. “What are you talking about? I don’t like her...that way.”

Miles snickers. “Are you sure? Whenever I see you two together, you always look so happy to see her. You got that chippy look on your face and you look at her with those dreamy eyes like nothing else matters in the world.”

He elbows Miles’s ribcage, wanting him to stop with his cheesy lines.

“Okay, okay. But you can’t deny that you have some feelings for her. I mean, you’re so worried that you made her upset that you keep coming to her school in hopes you can make up. Doesn’t that count?”

“It’s not...like that.”

“Wow. You’re dense.” He states. “Well, I’m sorry to inform you that I haven’t seen her. Also...you don’t look so good. I think being out in the rain all the time is making you sick. You should go home. Worry about yourself before you worry about her.”

Jimin has been here since this morning so he might call it quits for now. “Yea, I’ll be going home...in a few hours.”

“What?! That’s not good! Lemme drive you home! I just finished my last class for the day, so I have time to drop you off.”

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not going to let some sick person tell me what to do. I’m going to take you home.”

------

“Thanks for taking me home.”

“Yea, no problem. Just let me know if there’s anything else you need.”

“Thanks.”

Miles waves goodbye and drives off, leaving Jimin alone on the sidewalk by his apartment. It’s still raining heavily, and the humidity has not gone away. It might be because Jimin’s body doesn’t feel well, but the humidity is starting to annoy him. He thinks it’s bothersome having to wear clothes to protect himself from the rain but having it to be light enough so that he doesn’t sweat in it.

Jimin covers his mouth with his fist when he coughs, dragging his feet to the outdoor staircase. He didn’t think his health would be this poor, but after getting out of Miles car, it feels like it’s gotten worse. When he gets to the base of the staircase, Jimin nearly jumps after seeing a person standing there, their back facing him. He quickly recognizes that it’s you, but for a second, he thought you were a ghost because of how pale you look.

The sound of his feet sloshing in the muddy grass area catches your attention. You turn to see Jimin, and with a worried expression, you dash to him. It almost seems as if you wanted to hug him, but Jimin’s intuition was wrong. You don’t hug him at all. But besides that, Jimin is happy to see you again—so happy that he couldn’t help but sigh in relief.

Almost immediately, you put your hand over his forehead. “What are you doing in the rain?? Your forehead’s on fire!”

Jimin is speechless at how you knew that he’s sick. In addition to that, Jimin would also like to know how you know where he lives. But he’s not worried about that. Despite it being humid, your hands are surprisingly cold, and it feels nice on his burning face.

“Let’s go in your apartment.”

Some time has gone by, and Jimin is lying on his futon. He’s a bit embarrassed that you have to see the interior of his apartment. It’s not in the best condition, having mold growing in the corners, rodents scurrying across the room, and even cracks on the walls. But you don’t seem to mind. You walk around his apartment as if you’ve been in it before.

“You don’t have any medicine, so I’m going to go out and buy some.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll get better without it.”

“But you’ll get better faster if you take it.”

“...You don’t need to do all this for me.”

You stand by the door, opening it while you look at him before giving him a smiling he hasn’t seen in a while. “I’m doing this on my own volition. Go to sleep while I go shopping. I’ll be back.”

You close the door behind you. What you said sounded like you said it before, but he doesn’t remember when. But doesn’t matter because he’s just immensely overjoyed to see your face. He covers his face with his forearm, trying his hardest to contain his childish smile. He’s glad that you’re back.

------

Jimin opens his eyes, awaken by the sound of someone whimpering. He’s unsure of how long he slept. After you left, Jimin knocked out within seconds. He also sees that you’re still here, sitting on the ground next to the futon, covering your eyes with one hand. He woke up to the sound of you crying.

“I don’t know what to do...I don’t know what to do…” You keep repeating to yourself like a madwoman. “How do I know...if I’m doing what’s right…?”

You continue to mumble to yourself, hiccuping in between sentences as tears roll down your cheeks. Jimin’s body feels weak, barely having the strength to even sit up, so he does nothing else but stares at you as you cry helplessly.

He looks down at your lap. There you rest your hands, and in your hand is a woven talisman with an iris stitched in the center.

“Everything I do is still the same...I just...don’t know how to change everything. I don’t want to lose him again.”

Your head is lowered, staring straight at the talisman. It almost looks as if you’re conversing with it. Also, you said ‘again’, meaning that you lost someone before. Now Jimin is beginning to understand why you’ve been so heartbroken for the past month. You must’ve lost someone important to you. And maybe the reason why you’re attached to Jimin is that he reminds him of the one you lost. He feels his chest tighten with just the thought that your heart belongs to someone else. Jimin swears that he doesn’t like you, but he’s also jealous of the person who truly catches your eye.

“I thought that if I protect him, then it wouldn’t be the same..but when I think about it, I’m starting to believe that maybe I’m the problem. I think...I should stop visiting him once and for all. This time, for sure.”

You’ve been avoiding him this entire past week because you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re a burden. He can’t believe that you feel that way about yourself. He’s the one who should be feeling like a burden. You’re always preparing meals for him and keeping him company every night. Despite his lack of experience in communicating, you overlook it. He’s never had anyone want him this much before.

He remembers that childish wish that he used to pray for every night. All he wanted was to experience unconditional love, just once. And with this past month, his wish has finally been granted, so how can he be so stupid? You’ve been giving him that all this time, and it took him this long to realize. So having you not with him would mean that he will possibly never experience it ever again. He’s aware that he wished to experience it just once, but now that he’s gotten a taste of it, he can’t help but be selfish and beg for more.

“(Y/N)...” Jimin whispers under his scratchy voice.

You gasp quietly, hiding the talisman in your back pocket. You hurriedly wipe your tears away, leaving only your swollen eyes. You crawl to him, your face being inches away from him.

“How are you feeling? Has your fever gone down?”

You put your hand over his sweaty forehead to feel his temperature.

“It’s not as bad as it was before. I couldn’t give you the medicine yet because you were asleep. I can go fetch your medicine now-”

But without warning, Jimin wraps his arms around your neck. He pulls you in until your cheek is resting on his chest. When he feels your back, he notices that your clothes are drenched in rainwater. If he bought you an umbrella beforehand, you wouldn’t be this wet. This just makes him want to buy you an umbrella even more. You must’ve stayed with him without ever going back to your apartment to change. You’re being too sweet to him, and now he’s worried that you’re going to get sick.

“You say that you don’t cry often...but that’s all you do.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you apologizing? It’s not your fault.”

“But...don’t you think I’m annoying? All I do is get in your personal space.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m creepy, aren’t I? It’s almost like I’m a stalker.”

“If you consider yourself as a stalker, then I must be one too.”

“What are you talking about?”

“All I did for the past few days was hanging out in front of your university library, hoping to see you. Then I waited at the plaza for you when the sun went down.”

“You what??”

You squirm under his arms, trying to be released from his grip. However, Jimin refuses to let you go. He doesn’t want you to see how red his face is from admitting how much he missed you.

“So if you call yourself a stalker, then I’m one as well. We’re both guilty of being each other’s stalkers.”

After a long pause, you exhale a small chuckle, something Jimin never perceived as something he is glad to hear.

“What kind of logic is that?” You bury your face into his chest, your laughter dissipating. “You’re making me embarrassed...saying all those stuff to me. I feel like you’re spoiling me almost.”

“I should be the one saying that.”

Just then, you shot straight up as if you remembered something. Since Jimin’s arms are weak, it was easy for you to overpower him when you caught him off-guard.

“Do you hear that??”

“What?”

“The rain! It stopped! Then...that means…” You rub your chin. “You have to sit up!”

You grab him by both of his wrists, pulling him up with an aggressive amount of force. He can almost his joints get locked, but thankfully you didn’t pull that hard. You apologize to him quickly and half-heartedly.

You dart to the gray curtains covering the window. You pull them to the side, revealing a rainbow appearing across the sky. You point to the rainbow in case Jimin didn’t catch it, giving him the most excited, sincere smile he’s ever seen.

“Look Jimin, there’s a rainbow!” You turn to him, shrugging your shoulders and grinning so wide that you show your teeth. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

His eyes widen when he felt his heart skip a beat. Jimin always unconsciously thought that your smile is cute, but the one right now outshines the rainbow that you’re admiring. He is so captivated by your expression that he doesn’t dare look away to see the rainbow. He’ll miss every detail of your face if he looks away.

“Yea, it’s very beautiful…”

“Hey Jimin, did you know that a talisman is supposed to bring good fortune?” You say while staring at the rainbow. “And a yellow iris is supposed to symbolize ‘promise in loving relationships’. So when the two are combined, I like to think that a talisman iris will bring good fortune to a relationship.”

Jimin knows that he said that he didn’t like you romantically, but he has a strong feeling that he’s going to have to take that back. In the end, he never got the chance to apologize about that night, but then again, he knows that you’ll forgive him.

------

And just like that, almost two months have flown by, and each day he spends with you, his feelings for you only grows stronger. You never brought up your confession ever again, but that was fine. He doesn’t care if you don’t truly love him for himself—as long as he gets to be with you then that’s all that matters.

He started visiting you often at your university, and you would give him a tour of the campus, even though you’ve given him a tour more times than you can count. However, touring is just an excuse to spend more time with you. Jimin has started waiting for you outside of class, and there were occasions when you would let him sit with you during lectures, but he would never understand a single word the professor says.

Jimin can’t remember the last time he liked a person this much. He likes you so much that just thinking about you is enough to make his day twice as better, and seeing you in person quadruples it. He feels like a schoolgirl, squealing over something as small as a crush sitting next to them.

You haven’t cried since that day, and Jimin prefers it that way. Though he thinks you look cute when you cry, he likes it better that you’re happy. That way, at least he knows that you’re not having an internal crisis. And despite being against him performing at the concert, you decide to let him. You still don’t look comfortable with it, but since he already signed the papers and everything, it’s already too late because the gap until the concert is narrowing.

Tonight, Jimin has decided not to perform at the plaza and instead practice for the concert on your campus. Since he can’t reserve any private rooms, he decides to play outdoors, but he prefers it like that because he’ll be playing outside anyway. It’s good to hear the quality of his guitar outdoors than being inside.

You’re next to him on the grass with the flashlight on your phone on. During practice, Jimin was telling you his adventures of being a wandering musician and the insane stories that he got involved. Though you try your hardest not to show it, you don’t look too surprised, as if you’ve heard these stories before. However, there’s one story that shocks you.

“What?!”

“Yep. I stole this guitar.”

“How?!”

“The counselor for my foster care had a craze for collecting guitars from celebrities. Well, the knock-off versions of course. She couldn’t buy the real ones except for one,” Jimin raises the guitar to show that this is a legit guitar from a celebrity. “But I never liked her. She always sent me to foster parents with the nastiest personalities. So, when I turned eighteen and no longer was a part of the foster system, I wanted to leave a reminder of myself by stealing her most prized possession.”

You cover your mouth to hold in your laughter. But you fail within seconds, bursting into a fit of laughter.

“I can’t believe you did something as ballsy as stealing that guitar! I can’t imagine you doing anything as bad as this! Or anything bad at all.”

Jimin pouts, his bottom lip protruding upward. “I should let you know that I actually wasn’t a good student at all. I was the definition of a bad boy back in school.”

You laugh even harder. You keep laughing until your stomach hurts. “You look nowhere near being a bad boy.”

“Yea, I was! I shaved my head because I thought that made me look more intimidating, and I always walked with my hands in my pockets because I thought I looked cool. I ditched a lot and never properly wore my uniform,” when remembering that image of himself, Jimin becomes bashful. He couldn’t believe he did that in the past.

“I wish I knew you in high school. I would love to see that.”

Jimin chuckles, but then it dies down. “But...there was a time when I really did try to be a good student.”

“Really?”

“Yea, when I was a junior. I was tired of everyone either pitying me or teasing me because I was constantly moving to different homes. Everyone kept saying things like ‘oh, he’ll never get anywhere’ and things like that, so I wanted to prove that I can be someone without growing up in a normal household. I studied every single day until I passed out from mental exhaustion.”

Jimin keeps making quick glances at you, seeing if you’re giving him a pitiful expression like what people would typically do. However, your face isn’t changing at all; you’re interested to hear more about him.

“And so finally, I scored high enough on my test scores that I was invited to go to my school’s annual honorary ceremony, where students with top grades receive a cruddy certificate and shake the principal’s hand. I mean, as a kid, you’d think that that would sound amazing, but the quality of that certificate was no more important than a plain sheet of paper. We just had to think it was important. But that day I learned that it isn’t the certificate that is rewarding.”

Jimin sets his guitar down. He hates remembering this time, but he can never let it go.

“It was hearing people telling you, ‘good job, you did it’ or ‘I’m so proud of you’ that would make all that work worth it. The kids that day took those words for granted, pushing their parents’ hands away, more worried about their pride. They should be feeling lucky that at least, they had someone who can be happy for them. Everyone I knew always looked out for themselves.”

This is a secret that he’s kept for a long time, and out it went so easily. Those three months he’s spent with you, he feels comfortable with sharing everything. He never thought there would come a day where he can spill his heart out to another person.

You were quiet this entire time, listening to him diligently. Jimin feels embarrassed for having to tell you something so immature. He’s a grown adult, but something that happened in high school is still bothering him.

However, you raise your hand, patting him on the head. Jimin was not expecting you to do that, so he’s at a loss for words.

“They don’t realize that not being pampered since birth is what made you an independent person. You didn’t need other people to push you to be your greatest; you just did it on your own. My parents had to nag at me all the time to study, and I’m still not great at it. You should be proud of yourself.”

Jimin’s face explodes in red. Though Jimin’s underlying tone was that he was begging for you to say those words, he’s still extremely embarrassed.

Jimin wraps his hand around your wrist, pulling your hand away from his head. “You didn’t really have to say that. I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Haha...sorry. I just thought you would like to hear that.”

He doesn’t know what to do with you. He likes you so much that he can’t express it properly. All he can do is turn the opposite direction whenever he feels restless.

“But...I didn’t hate it.”

Jimin puts your hand on his cheek, brushing your knuckles gently against it. You can tell that his cheeks are hot, having been conquered by your words. Even though he never said it aloud, Jimin has dropped enough hints for you to know that your feelings and his feelings are mutual. Jimin leans in close, and now he’s starting to notice how flustered you are as well. He’s relieved that he isn’t the only one being worked up.

“Hey (Y/N), I-”

The romantic mood has been interrupted by the sound of your phone ringing. The both of you flinch from the sudden ring, your spirits nearly jumping out. Realizing what he was about to do, Jimin moves away. He doesn’t know what overcame him into holding your hand like that.

You look at the caller ID, and once your saw it, you immediately silence your phone. Jimin saw it briefly, reading the ID as ‘Dad’. Jimin didn’t expect you to ignore your own father’s call, but then he recalls that you’re still upset at your parents for their divorce.

It’s not even a few seconds before your phone starts ringing again after it went straight to voicemail. Each time you ignore it, your father calls you again.

It isn’t until after the sixth attempt that he starts sending you a large number of text messages. You sigh, but you decide to read anyway since you don’t necessarily have to reply to them. Once you read all of them you turn off your phone, rubbing your sinus.

“Is everything alright?”

“My father is getting married again.”

Jimin’s jaw drops. “What?? But didn’t you say that your parents just finalized their divorce not too long ago?”

“Yea, but it’s not like he cares. Once he sees a pretty woman, he can’t sit still. This time he’s getting engaged to a woman no older than us by a few years.”

Jimin feels disgusted. He can’t understand why your father would do such a thing. Your father is no different than those people who take relationships lightly—never cherishing what they have in the moment and rashly jumping onto the next train. He can already tell that in the long run, your father won’t be happy with his life.

“It’s fine. I’ve gotten used to this since I was five. He’s a sociopathic womanizer who uses people to his liking just to save himself.”

Before, you mentioned that you wish you never end up in an unhappy marriage like your parents. Your father created all this unhappiness for you, and it just angers him thinking about it.

“But isn’t it weird that after all this time, despite my parents’ flaws, I still love them? I don’t forgive them for never learning from their mistakes, but I can’t forget all the things they’ve done for me. I still have fond memories of when we were a happy family.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“For what? You did nothing wrong.”

“Back then, I said that you had a good and comfortable life...I was too busy pitying myself that I didn’t bother seeing your problems.”

“It’s okay. That was in the past. I forgave you a long time ago.”

“Is that why…” but before Jimin finishes his sentence, he stops himself. “Never mind.”

“What is it?”

“...Is that why you were crying when we first met?”

You’re surprised that he brought that up.

“Sorry! That must be a sensitive topic.”

“...I lost someone dear to me.”

Jimin blinks profusely.

“That person was very dear to me, even though we’ve only known each other for a short time. Even when I was being difficult, he was always waiting for me, and I can never forget what he’s done for me. So when I lost him, I was an emotional wreck.”

Jimin’s chest tightens when he heard ‘he’. He can only assume that that person was your former lover.

“But I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t crying that day because I was heartbroken. I was so happy to have met you at the park that I was overwhelmed with joy.”

Your cheeks are turning red again. He’s glad that you’re not thinking about your father, but Jimin is envious of the one who changed you. Jimin wishes he was the one, but he knows that he never will.

But when you said that you were feeling joyful when you met Jimin, he can only assume one thing. “So then...did you start following me because I remind you of him?”

“What?! Th-that’s not it! My reason is not what you expect at all, and you’ll never guess it.”

Despite having been with you for a while now, there’s still a huge portion of you that he doesn’t know. You’re a very open but secretive person at the same time, and he can never solve you. Still, Jimin can’t deny that what he feels for you is real. Even if you stood by his side because he resembles that person, it doesn’t matter to him. As long as he can do something for you, then that’s all he cares about.

“...I can’t understand how that person can be so cruel and leave you,” he mutters to himself. “If I were him, then I would never forgive myself.”

You blush hearing him say that, averting your eyes. “I wonder about that.”

Based on the tone that you used, it sounds like you’re not taking him seriously. If anything, you look like you’re trying not to laugh.

“I’m being serious!”

“I know, but I just can’t help it. I just really like you, that’s all.”

This is the second time you’ve said that you like him. The last time you said it, Jimin messed up and left you so hurt that you didn’t say it again. This time, he’s not going to make the same mistake.

Jimin leans in, kissing you on the lips. It lasts for a few seconds before he pulls himself away. He wants to kiss you again because your face is adorable when you’re blushing, but he holds himself back. He’s afraid that if he does it again, he won’t be able to control himself.

“I like you so much that I can’t think of the right words to express it.”

“You don’t have to explain it. I think I understand.”

No, you don’t. You don’t know how much you’ve saved him from falling into a dark pit. He’s spent his entire life feeling like an extra piece of skin on this earth, wandering mindlessly without finding a place to settle down. But with you, it doesn’t matter if he has a roof over his head—just having you here is enough for him.

“(Y/N), thank you…”

“For what?”

“For giving me a home…”

------

“Happy birthday, Jimin!!”

It’s early in the morning, and you’re standing in front of Jimin’s door. You show him a strawberry shortcake that you bought the day before just for this occasion.

Jimin is speechless, wondering how you know that today’s his birthday. “H-how…?”

“I’m a psychic,” You jester.

Each moment he spends with you, he ends up liking you even more. When he thought that he’s reached his maximum level, he discovers that there’s still more room to like you.

You ask if you can enter, and Jimin gives you permission. You take off your shoes next to the door, then you head to the kitchen to slice the cake. Jimin hasn’t gotten the chance to prepare himself for the day, so he rushes to the bathroom, a bit embarrassed that you had to see him in his sloppy appearance.

After brushing his teeth, Jimin checks on you to find you searching through every crook and cranny of the kitchen. “Do you not have a knife?”

“There’s no reason for me to have a knife, so I don’t have one.”

“You also have no plates, forks, or spoons. How do you survive?”

“Hands.” Jimin raises his hands up, laughing at his own sarcasm.

You heave out a single laugh. “At least your apartment is kind enough to provide a fridge. I’m going to go back to my apartment and get some utensils.”

“Wait, we’re gonna eat it now?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s too early to be eating cake. Why don’t we eat it after the concert? That way, we can celebrate both my birthday and performance.”

It feels unusual for Jimin to be saying that he’s going to celebrate something relating to him. He’s so used to ignoring special days, so it’s a little exhilarating anticipating the celebration tonight.

However, you look a bit disappointed. You have the expression that you want to eat it now, but you don’t want to start an argument first thing in the morning. You shrug your shoulders, agreeing to him.

“Okay, I’ll bring the cake back to my apartment, and we can eat there.”

“No, you can leave it here. No need for you to walk all the way back just to keep it cold.” Jimin wonders if your reason is because you don’t trust the quality of his fridge, seeing the poor state of his apartment.

“It’s okay, I can take the bus back quickly and return.”

You take the cake and try to rush to his door, but Jimin grabs you by the shoulder. For some reason, your behavior today is odd. You look frantic.

“Are you okay? You don’t look well.”

When he gets a closer look at your face, he notices two, very dark eye bags. You look like you haven’t had sleep for the past few days. Something’s been bothering you, and you’re going back to your usual routine of not telling him.

“Oh, sorry. I haven’t been able to sleep because I’m just excited for your performance. It’s going to be my first time seeing you perform on stage, so I’ve been thinking about it.”

“Is...that it?”

You nod. “Yup. If it makes you feel better, I’ll leave the cake here. I just wanted to have a pre-celebration before your concert as a way of me wishing you good luck, so I wanted to jump into it as soon as possible.”

Jimin can’t contain himself. Everything you do is for him, and it makes him so happy. He wraps his arms around you, nuzzling your face between his neck and shoulder.

“I think you cheered me on enough, so I already have all the luck in the world. Thank you, though.”

“Yea…”

------

“Mr. Park! You’re up in five!” A staff member shouts from across the backstage.

Jimin checks his strings for the last time before he goes. Though it’s common for him to sing in front of a crowd, he’s particularly nervous about tonight. It may have to do with the change of setting—having to stand on a stage in front of a handful of people, the spotlight that’ll blind his sight.

You’ve been glued to his side the entire day. You’re always with him, but it’s today that you won’t let him go even for just one second. You play it off cool, but he can tell that you’re feeling restless, and he doesn’t know why. The most he can do is be by your side until you’re at ease.

You’re with him right now too, watching Jimin as he tunes his guitar. The band before him is wrapping up their last song. Once the last note of the band’s song fades away into the open air, the crowd cheers. The band members bow, thanking them for watching. They run off stage, and now it’s Jimin’s turn.

“I’m going up there now.”

“Okay. Good luck.”

You look like you’re spacing out. Jimin would like to ask you if there’s something bothering you, but he doesn’t have time. He pats you on the head then runs onto the stage.

Just as he thought, the stage lights are very bright, preventing him from seeing the crowd. All he can see now is the microphone stand just inches away from him. He has no time to be thinking about the lights, as he has to perform.

“Hello, everyone. My name is Jimin, and this is my first time performing at a university. For tonight’s concert, I’m going to perform three songs from Busker Busker: At the Entrance to the Alley, First Love, and Cherry Blossom Ending. I hope you will enjoy it.”

He steps away from the microphone, sighing to himself as he counts the tempo for At the Entrance to the Alley in his head. He holds onto his guitar pick between his thumb and index finger, raising the neck of the guitar to the same level of his head. He makes one more glance at the audience, seeing you in the back, smiling.

Jimin raises his guitar pick, inhaling before strumming the first note.

------

The concert is finally over, and the participants are given the chance to meet with the audience. Jimin pushes through the dense crowd, being surrounded by people congratulating their loved ones who have performed. Typically at a time like this, Jimin would hate staying for after-parties, but not so much anymore. Because at least there’s one person in the crowd who he looks forward to.

Jimin finds you standing alone. When you spot him, your eyes light up, running to him with excitement. “That was an awesome performance, Jimin!! I knew all that practice wouldn’t go down the drain! I’m really proud of you.”

Jimin’s glad to hear that you enjoyed it as well as congratulating him. He finally got to experience what it’s like to see another person happy for their hard work. What’s more, there’s a cake waiting for him in his apartment, so the celebration isn’t ending just yet.

“Thanks.”

Your excitement quickly disappears, however, your mind occupied with something else. “Hey...we don’t...really have to eat the cake tonight, do we? We can always eat it tomorrow.”

“What, really? That’s too bad…” Jimin was looking forward to the cake the most.

Your guilt obviously shows on your face when you saw how sad you’ve made him. “Th-then, I can get the cake from your apartment. You just stay at my apartment. You’re the one who we’re celebrating tonight, so you just relax.”

“Jimin,” a third voice interrupts your conversation with Jimin. It’s Miles. “Congrats on an amazing performance. That was spectacular.”

“Thanks. Your band was amazing too.”

“Thanks,” Miles leans over to the side and notices you. “You must be (Y/N). Jimin talks very kindly of you.”

The two of you blush, making Miles enjoy having to see you two as such an innocent couple.

“Sorry to ruin the moment, but (Y/N), may I have Jimin to myself for a while?”

You give him a ferocious glare, and he already knew without having you say anything that you refuse.

“It’s fine! (Y/N), I’ll meet you back at your apartment. I remember your address.”

Jimin is about to head off with Miles, but you grab him by the sleeve. When he looks down, he sees that you desperately don’t want him to go. But Miles might want to talk about the money he’s supposed to receive for performing. He needs it if he’s going to buy an umbrella for you.

“If you go, then promise me that you’ll head straight to my apartment. Go straight to my place no matter what.”

“I will.”

------

“Thank you very much.” Jimin thanks Miles after receiving the payment.

“You don’t need to thank me. It’s you who earned it anyway. The event holder wanted to give it to you in person, but you were gone once the concert ended.”

“Really?”

“He really liked your performance. I’m friends with him, so he wanted me to pass it on to you that he would like to have you perform for the next event. This time, he’ll compensate you for more.”

“I’ll do it.” If it means having another reason to stay in town with you, then he’ll take every opportunity he gets.

“That’s great. Well then, I don’t want to hold you for long. You’re making her wait.” Miles says goodbye and walks off.

Jimin looks at the stack of cash. It’s not a lot, but it’s definitely enough. He can finally repay you for losing your umbrella at the park. He knows that you want him to go straight to your apartment afterward, but having the money in front of him now, he really wants to surprise you with a gift. He can already imagine what kind of expression you’ll have on your face.

Jimin asks a passerby what the time is, and it’s 10:23 P.M. As long as he doesn’t take too long, he decides to quickly run to the store and buy a replica of the umbrella before running to your apartment.

After a couple of minutes, Jimin walks out the convenience store with a brand new pink umbrella. He wanted to buy you one with better quality, but all the stores except for this one was closed. He also bought some fried chicken and soda along the way, since he should also contribute to the celebration.

However, he just remembered that you left the cake in his place. You don’t have access to his apartment so you couldn’t have gotten it on the way back. It would be meaningless to celebrate without the cake, so making a stop at his place wouldn’t hurt. He knows he’s been keeping you on hold for a while now, but he’ll apologize to you later.

------

When he gets to his apartment, he can hear a loud voice coming from the second floor. Complementing the shouting is banging, and whoever is hitting the door, they’re using so much force that they might break through the wood. As much as Jimin would like to ignore it, it’s coming from the direction of his apartment room.

While walking up the stairs, he can get a clearer view of what’s going on—there’s a bald, muscular man slamming his fist on Jimin’s neighbor’s door. To get to his own apartment, that would mean passing by the man who looks clearly furious.

“You fucking whore! I told you to open up the goddamn door!!” The man shouts in slurs. “I know you’ve been sleeping with other men! Open up before I break it down!”

As much as he doesn’t want to get involved, he doesn’t want to leave the situation as is. Jimin has met his neighbor on a few occasions, and she seems like a kind person, so she doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment.

Jimin approaches the man. “Excuse me, sir. Stop harassing the woman please or I’ll call the police.”

Jimin doesn’t have a phone, but he thought that by bluffing that he does, then the man will stop. However, Jimin’s intervention only angers the man even more, turning his aggression at him now.

“Are you one of the guys who’s been fucking my lady?”

When the man stomps closer to Jimin, he can get a strong whiff of alcohol. This man must be intoxicated.

“No, I’m her neighbor. So stop disrupting the neighbors and go home.”

Suddenly, the man grabs Jimin by the collar. While the man isn’t well-balanced, his strength is still apparent. He practically lifts Jimin off of his feet and being unable to stand still, the man unconsciously walks forward. He keeps walking until Jimin is practically by the edge of the staircase.

“Fucking liar.”

Mixed in with his alcoholic breath is fried chicken. Whatever kind of chicken he ate, it must’ve been greasy and overly salted. It’s too overbearing that Jimin holds his breath.

“Get out of my way.”

The man lets go of Jimin, having him lose his balance and falling backward off the stairs.

The sound of the umbrella hitting each step echoes throughout the complex, bouncing off until it finally reaches the base. Jimin stares at the umbrella rolling off into the deserted parking lot in front of the main lobby, having saved himself from falling by grabbing the metal railing. Had he not have grabbed the rails, then he wouldn’t know if he would be unscatched if he fell. His heart is pounding with pure terror, realizing that he could’ve lost his life in that moment.

However, his ordeal doesn’t end here. The man had returned to his neighbor, continuing his pestering. Now very upset that that man had just attempted murder, Jimin marches right for him. He grabs the man forearm and forcefully pulls it off the woman’s door. Jimin is angry, but not enough to want to punch him.

“What the fuck!?”

“Don’t you get it? She doesn’t want to see you, so go away otherwise I’ll make you.”

“Don’t joke around with me! You scrawny piece of shit!”

And without a struggle, the man throws Jimin to the ground, landing on his right elbow first. His nerves send signals through his entire body, the pain traveling everywhere. Jimin grunts, fearing that his elbow might’ve disjointed.

The man kicks Jimin in the face. Jimin can taste the leather shoe in his mouth, accidentally biting his tongue in the process. The impact is so strong that Jimin falls backward, banging his head on the concrete floor. Jimin is now laying in front of his front door, just remembering that he came here to get the cake. He wonders what you’re doing right now.

Suddenly, he gets a flashback. He remembers standing in front of your school’s library, holding your pink umbrella in his hand. He never brought your umbrella to your library before. He’s starting to remember how nervous he was to talk to you for the first time. He was a mess.

The man proceeds to kick him in the ribcage. With each kick, the air is forced out of him. He thinks a few of his ribs have been broken. He then picks up Jimin by the hair, lifting him so he can punch him in the face.

With his consciousness blinking in and out, Jimin begins getting a surge of memories. He remembers holding that talisman that he saw you holding. Why did he have it? Jimin lost in once, looking in the water fountain for it. That was when you showed up and felt his forehead, upset that he was being careless and walking around with a fever. While was he resting, you went back to the plaza to look for the talisman of the iris.

The man punches him again, breaking his nose. Jimin keeps coming in and out of consciousness, and each time his vision turns black, he keeps remembering memories he never made with you as far as he knows. Jimin joining Miles’s band and you coming with him to every rehearsal, cheering him up when he was frustrated that he couldn’t play properly. You’re unlike what you are now, so quiet and reserved. You didn’t like showing it, but you were very scared that he would leave you one day.

The man grabs Jimin’s scalp, pushing his face against the wall. His face is covered in blood, including from his mouth and nose. “The hell? Why aren’t you dead yet?”

In the last of his memories, Jimin remembers he got into a fight with this man on the exact same day and time. The way he’s even beating him is the same as how he did in his memories. After banging his head on the wall, Jimin knows what he’s going to do next: he’s going to drag him to the stairs and push him down the case, wherein his final moments, all Jimin could think about is apologizing to you how he was going to die without properly saying goodbye.

------

“I can help you meet your soulmate.” An elderly lady said after giving Jimin the talisman. “But meeting her will lead you to your premature death, and I can’t guarantee I can help you return to life because it will not be my final decision, but your partner’s. So you must gain her trust and pass this on to her.”

Jimin cups the talisman in both of his palms. He was staring at it, thinking long and hard. “What is the point of this talisman?”

“This talisman is a ‘promised iris’. It will help grant you a sturdy relationship with someone under the condition that you keep your promise with me, and once you fulfill it, I can grant it. And your promise is what I mentioned just then. What is your answer?”

He strokes the talisman with his thumb, sliding it down on the iris. Jimin always thought that he was meant to be alone, but after experiencing those dreams, he doesn’t want them to be mere dreams. He wants to meet you in person. Even if you don’t want to be his partner, at least he wants to experience what it’s like to like someone rather than live for the rest of his life never knowing it.

“I’ll do it.”

------

The man still has Jimin by the scalp, but with little strength he still has left, Jimin grabs him by his forearms, making a poor attempt at pulling his hand off.

“...I’m not going to let you kill me this time…”

“What did you say?”

“I can’t be the one to make her cry again.”

You cried so much because Jimin suddenly left. When he agreed to do the deal, he was obsessed about wanting to be loved that he didn’t think for a second how you would feel in the aftermath. And his actions led to you feeling the consequences, and now realizing that your paranoia is because of him, Jimin won’t let you go through this again.

However, Jimin’s struggle is futile because the man tightens his grip around his head. It gets to the point where Jimin thinks his skull is going to crack at any given moment.

“Shut the fuck up, or I’ll throw you down the stairs aga-”

But the man stops abruptly after receiving a single blow to the head. He falls unconscious and collapses beside Jimin. The mixture of the blow to the head with his alcohol intake makes it easier for him to knock out. When he looks up to see who his savior is, it’s you. You’re holding the pink umbrella that Jimin accidentally dropped down the stairs, holding it like a baseball bat. Your knees are trembling uncontrollably. You must’ve hit him really hard because there’s a large dent on the umbrella, with the upper half curving in a 30-degree angle.

You drop the umbrella, your knees giving in and making you drop. You must’ve been so tense that you can’t move. Jimin is surprised that you came at the right time, but then again, it makes sense because this was roughly around the time when he died.

You embrace him, all the weight on your shoulders finally fleeting. You accidentally apply pressure on his broken ribs, but Jimin doesn’t want to spoil the mood; he’s just as happy to see you as you are.

“(Y/N), I’m okay…”

“Just...let me hold you,” you mumble under your breath. “I...want to make sure that you’re alive...that this isn’t a dream.”

But the warmth of his body should be enough for you to know that he’s not dead. Still, you’re too scared to celebrate early and say that you saved him. Jimin raises one arm to wrap around you, not using the arm that he thinks he might’ve broken.

“It’s real,” Jimin whispers, even being unable to believe it himself. “(Y/N), I’m sorry it took me so long.”

You pull back. “I don’t care about that! I should’ve brought the cake with me so that this wouldn’t have happened!”

“It’s not that. I’m sorry it took me so long to remember everything.”

Jimin caresses your cheek as you’re in complete shock.

“I told you. No matter what scenario we’re in, I’ll still manage to somehow fall in love with you,” but Jimin can’t help but blush a little.

You can’t stop yourself from sobbing even more. You never thought that Jimin would remember. But in all honesty, it wouldn’t have mattered if he never regained his memories. Just to know that he’s still breathing is enough for you.

“But you should’ve stopped me when I started using love songs to tell you how much you mean to me. That was so cheesy.”

Jimin attempts to smile, but his swollen cheek has grown too big that he’s only smiling on one side. However, you could care less about that.

Underneath your wet eyes, you let out a soft chuckle. “Really? But I like them.”

------

Soon after, the Jimin’s neighbor called the police and they came immediately. This was an open and shut case, as the man has a criminal record of domestic abuse and theft, so he was arrested on the spot. An ambulance came and took Jimin to the hospital while you stayed behind and was questioned by the police.

Besides his two broken ribs and needed a cast for his arm, Jimin suffered light injuries. While his face was covered in blood, none of the hits were fatal, and he’ll recover from them in no time. It looks like he’ll survive.

After the questioning, one policeman was kind enough to drive you to the hospital. You’ve been in Jimin’s room since then, staying by his side. At some point, Miles started visiting as well, introducing his bandmates to Jimin, even though he already knows them but pretends as if he doesn’t. Jimin has to share a room with three other patients, and he quickly became friends with them. Every day is always filled with life and being surrounded by people. Jimin can’t remember the last time he was this happy to be with this many people, and he can’t ask for a life better than this.

One late night while everyone in the room is asleep, with you in there as well, sleeping on the chair next to Jimin. The door opens, and in comes the elderly woman, the psychic. She tiptoes to you and Jimin, her heart softening at seeing how even in your sleep, you both look so happy.

On the nightstand next to Jimin’s bed is your bag. The psychic rummages through it and takes out the talisman she had given to you two.

“Since you two won’t be needing this anymore, I’ll gladly take it back,” she puts the talisman in her pocket and walks out the door. But before leaving, she looks at you two one last time. “Sweet dreams, (Y/N), Jimin.”

[End]

(A/N): Thank you to everyone who has read this! This was heavily inspired by the BL, Kimi no Yume o Mite Iru, and I highly recommend you all read it (though it is 18+). The songs that I mentioned in both the first and second part, I recommend listening to them too. If you have anything to say, then don’t be afraid to tell me anything~!

Masterlist

[delphinidin4]

 Forty-five percent of adults say they’re preoccupied with their weight some or all of the time—an 11-point rise since 1990. Nearly half of 3- to 6- year old girls say they worry about being fat. 

...

 I have never written a story where so many of my sources cried during interviews, where they shook with anger describing their interactions with doctors and strangers and their own families.

Chances of a woman classified as obese achieving a “normal” weight:.008%

SOURCE: AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PUBLIC HEALTH, 2015

Diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism

“As a kid, I thought that fat people were just lonely and sad—almost like these pathetic lost causes. So I want to show that we get to experience love, too. I’m not some 'fat friend' or some dude's chubby chasing dream. I'm genuinely happy. I just wish I'd known how possible that was when I was a kiddo.”— CORISSA ENNEKING

“If you looked at anything other than my weight,” Enneking says now, “I had an eating disorder. And my doctor was congratulating me.”

...

This phenomenon is not merely anecdotal. Doctors have shorter appointments with fat patients and show less emotional rapport in the minutes they do have. Negative words—“noncompliant,” “overindulgent,” “weak willed”—pop up in their medical histories with higher frequency. ... In 2011, the Sun-Sentinel polled OB-GYNs in South Florida and discovered that 14 percent had barred all new patients weighing more than 200 pounds.

...

When Joy Cox, an academic in New Jersey, was 16, she went to the hospital with stomach pains. The doctor didn’t diagnose her dangerously inflamed bile duct, but he did, out of nowhere, suggest that she’d get better if she stopped eating so much fried chicken. “He managed to denigrate my fatness and my blackness in the same sentence,” she says.

“There is so much agency taken from marginalized groups to mute their voices and mask their existence. Being depicted as a female CEO—one who is also black and fat—means so much to me. It is a representation of the reclamation of power in the boardroom, classroom and living room of my body. I own all of this.”— JOY COX

Physicians are often required, in writing, to prove to hospital administrators and insurance providers that they have brought up their patient’s weight and formulated a plan to bring it down—regardless of whether that patient came in with arthritis or a broken arm or a bad sunburn. Failing to do that could result in poor performance reviews, low ratings from insurance companies or being denied reimbursement if they refer patients to specialized care. 

...

Three separate studies have found that fat women are more likely to die from breast and cervical cancers than non-fat women, a result partially attributed to their reluctance to see doctors and get screenings. Erin Harrop, a researcher at the University of Washington, studies higher-weight women with anorexia, who, contrary to the size-zero stereotype of most media depictions, are twice as likely to report vomiting, using laxatives and abusing diet pills. Thin women, Harrop discovered, take around three years to get into treatment, while her participants spent an average of 13 and a half years waiting for their disorders to be addressed.

...

If Sonya ever forgets that she is fat, the world will remind her. She has stopped taking the bus, she tells me, because she can sense the aggravation of the passengers squeezing past her. Sarah, the tech CEO, tenses up when anyone brings bagels to a work meeting. If she reaches for one, are her employees thinking, “There goes the fat boss”? If she doesn’t, are they silently congratulating her for showing some restraint?

Emily says it’s the do-gooders who get to her, the women who stop her on the street and tell her how brave she is for wearing a sleeveless dress on a 95-degree day.

Ratio of soda and candy ads seen by black children compared to white children: 2:1

SOURCE: UCONN RUDD CENTER FOR FOOD POLICY AND OBESITY, 2015

This is how fat-shaming works: It is visible and invisible, public and private, hidden and everywhere at the same time. Research consistently finds that larger Americans (especially larger women) earn lower salaries and are less likely to be hired and promoted.... What’s worse, only a few cities and one state (nice work, Michigan) officially prohibit workplace discrimination on the basis of weight.

...Paradoxically, as the number of larger Americans has risen, the biases against them have become more severe. More than 40 percent of Americans classified as obese now say they experience stigma on a daily basis, a rate far higher than any other minority group. And this does terrible things to their bodies. According to a 2015 study, fat people who feel discriminated against have shorter life expectancies than fat people who don't. “These findings suggest the possibility that the stigma associated with being overweight,” the study concluded, “is more harmful than actually being overweight.”

...

Kids as young as 3 describe their larger classmates with words like “mean,” “stupid” and “lazy.”

And yet, despite weight being the number one reason children are bullied at school, America’s institutions of public health continue to pursue policies perfectly designed to inflame the cruelty. TV and billboard campaigns still use slogans like “Too much screen time, too much kid” and “Being fat takes the fun out of being a kid.” Cat Pausé, a researcher at Massey University in New Zealand, spent months looking for a single public health campaign, worldwide, that attempted to reduce stigma against fat people and came up empty. In an incendiary case of good intentions gone bad, about a dozen states now send children home with “BMI report cards,” an intervention unlikely to have any effect on their weight but almost certain to increase bullying from the people closest to them. [I have a friend who had to take a paper home in high school telling her family she was obese. Now, in her late twenties, she’s still dealing with the emotional scars.]

...

The effects of weight bias get worse when they’re layered on top of other types of discrimination. A 2012 study found that African-American women are more likely to become depressed after internalizing weight stigma than white women. Hispanic and black teenagers also have significantly higher rates of bulimia. And, in a remarkable finding, rich people of color have higher rates of cardiovascular disease than poor people of color—the opposite of what happens with white people. One explanation is that navigating increasingly white spaces, and increasingly higher stakes, exerts stress on racial minorities that, over time, makes them more susceptible to heart problems.

...

But perhaps the most unique aspect of weight stigma is how it isolates its victims from one another. For most minority groups, discrimination contributes to a sense of belongingness, a community in opposition to a majority. Gay people like other gay people; Mormons root for other Mormons. Surveys of higher-weight people, however, reveal that they hold many of the same biases as the people discriminating against them. In a 2005 study, the words obese participants used to classify other obese people included gluttonous, unclean and sluggish.

...

Fat people, though, never get a moment of declaring their identity, of marking themselves as part of a distinct group. They still live in a society that believes weight is temporary, that losing it is urgent and achievable, that being comfortable in their bodies is merely “glorifying obesity.” This limbo, this lie, is why it’s so hard for fat people to discover one another or even themselves. “No one believes our It Gets Better story,” says Tigress Osborn, the director of community outreach for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. “You can’t claim an identity if everyone around you is saying it doesn’t or shouldn’t exist.”

“I think some folks are genuinely surprised that a man who looks like him is with a woman like me. As a fat person, I'm very aware of when I'm being stared at—and I have never been looked at this much before. So I thought that taking the photo in public would be a good idea. It feels subversive to show my fat body doing regular stuff the world believes I don't or can't do.”— EMILY

Since 1980, the obesity rate has doubled in 73 countries and increased in 113 others. And in all that time, no nation has reduced its obesity rate. Not one.

...

The problem is that in America, like everywhere else, our institutions of public health have become so obsessed with body weight that they have overlooked what is really killing us: our food supply. Diet is the leading cause of death in the United States, responsible for more than five times the fatalities of gun violence and car accidents combined. But it’s not how much we’re eating—Americans actually consume fewer calories now than we did in 2003. It’s what we’re eating.

For more than a decade now, researchers have found that the quality of our food affects disease risk independently of its effect on weight. Fructose, for example, appears to damage insulin sensitivity and liver function more than other sweeteners with the same number of calories. People who eat nuts four times a week have 12 percent lower diabetes incidence and a 13 percent lower mortality rate regardless of their weight. All of our biological systems for regulating energy, hunger and satiety get thrown off by eating foods that are high in sugar, low in fiber and injected with additives. And which now, shockingly, make up 60 percent of the calories we eat.

4% of all agricultural subsidies go to fruits and vegetables.

SOURCE: ENVIRONMENTAL WORKING GROUP, 2014-16

But that’s still no reason to despair. There’s a lot we can do right now to improve fat people’s lives—to shift our focus for the first time from weight to health and from shame to support.

...

In 2017, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, the expert panel that decides which treatments should be offered for free under Obamacare, found that the decisive factor in obesity care was not the diet patients went on, but how much attention and support they received while they were on it. Participants who got more than 12 sessions with a dietician saw significant reductions in their rates of prediabetes and cardiovascular risk. Those who got less personalized care showed almost no improvement at all.

“My son and I both like to play the hero. There wasn't necessarily any intentional symbolism in the costumes we chose, but I am definitely a member of the rebellion, and I see my role as an eating disorders researcher as trying to fight for justice and a better world. Also, I like that I'm sweaty, dirty and messy, not done up with makeup or with my hair down in this picture. I like that I'm not hiding my stomach, thighs or arms. Not because I'm comfortable being photographed like that, but because I want to be—and I want others to feel free to be like that, too.”— ERIN HARROP

A review of 44 international studies found that school-based activity programs didn’t affect kids’ weight, but improved their athletic ability, tripled the amount of time they spent exercising and reduced their daily TV consumption by up to an hour. Another survey showed that two years of getting kids to exercise and eat better didn’t noticeably affect their size but did improve their math scores—an effect that was greater for black kids than white kids.

You see this in so much of the research: The most effective health interventions aren't actually health interventions—they are policies that ease the hardship of poverty and free up time for movement and play and parenting. Developing countries with higher wages for women have lower obesity rates, and lives are transformed when healthy food is made cheaper. A pilot program in Massachusetts that gave food stamp recipients an extra 30 cents for every $1 they spent on healthy food increased fruit and vegetable consumption by 26 percent. Policies like this are unlikely to affect our weight. They are almost certain, however, to significantly improve our health.

...

What does work, Corrigan says, is for fat people to make it clear to everyone they interact with that their size is nothing to apologize for. “When you pity someone, you think they’re less effective, less competent, more hurt,” he says. “You don’t see them as capable. The only way to get rid of stigma is from power.”

...

This has always been the great hope of the fat-acceptance movement. (“We’re here, we’re spheres, get used to it” was one of the slogans in the 1990s.) But this radical message has long since been co-opted by clothing brands, diet companies and soap corporations. Weight Watchers has rebranded as a “lifestyle program,” but still promises that its members can shrink their way to happiness. Mainstream apparel companies market themselves as “body positive” but refuse to make clothes that fit the plus-size models on their own billboards.

...

“Fat activism isn’t about making people feel better about themselves,” Pausé says. “It’s about not being denied your civil rights and not dying because a doctor misdiagnoses you.”

...

There is no magical cure. There is no time machine. There is only the revolutionary act of being fat and happy in a world that tells you that’s impossible.

“We all have to do our best with the body that we have,” [Ginette Lenham] says. “And leave everyone else’s alone.”

[thenightisland]

unsolicited lengthy updates from the ghost that runs this blog

i couldn’t believe i hadn’t done one of these in 2018 since in 2017 so much was happening that i had to like five or six of them so let’s see what we have here

mm - second in command nurse/one of my best friends, the one who’s always cursed with constantly cheating death and people dying on her etc ch - staff nurse/one of my best friends, human version of pink champagne, pregnant rc - the techs’ version of a charge nurse/one of my best friends cb - the thriller novelist who inexplicably works with us, the one who nearly got killed on the unit last year there are others that’ll come up but i guess those are the main players

2017 was awful right up to the end. about an hour into 2018 things started looking much more promising, mostly from a personal life standpoint. which was the least it could do after 2017 ruined my christmas.

few weeks into the year cb finally came back. he’d been out five months. no one understood why he came back when he had so many other career options at his fingertips, and we certainly didn’t understand why he came back to the shift it happened on. and even more so i didn’t understand why he talked to me about writing, when he wouldn’t even admit he was a writer out loud to anyone else and certainly didn’t talk at length about it with anyone. he still wouldn’t talk about it, to anyone else.

rc nearly put himself into DTs at the beginning of the year, despite, you know, working in psych and knowing what that does to a person. which sometimes i wonder if that was his intention, to do lasting damage, bc that shit can kill you. he got through all of that ofc, and had done really well until these last few weeks, more on /why/ later

our hospital has a weird tendency to create odd romantic relationships that i swear are things forged out of a mash unit type of daily trauma. so mm is currently in a will they or won’t they arc - leaning toward will - with a guy who works up there. one of my med nurses who went 7-3 is most definitely with one of my techs which we all knew would happen. ch is engaged to a social worker who worked at our hospital at the time. our director married a tech. a house sup has a kid with a tech. the detox charge nurse met his wife when she was a tech and they both worked our unit. etc. i guess it’s bc we deal with such intense things every day and you literally do save each other’s lives. we always joke hospital relationships are an inevitability. that being said my situations with rc and cb should have been expected and yet here i am, the former esp, as we’ve been the hospital’s most popular pairing for ages.

i spend a lot of my time now breaking behavior cases rather than treating psych pts. behavior cases are people who aren’t psychotic, they’re just violent opportunistic assholes who have figured out how to go to a psych hospital instead of jail. treating psych pts is tiring but rewarding. breaking behavior cases makes you feel almost sociopathic bc you /do/ you have to break them. psychologically, i mean. physically all we really have to work with is a shot and a few hours in seclusion. so you end up doing these hannibal lecter style speeches and trying to come up with threats that sound convincing that you know you can’t follow through on but you have to make them believe you can. they keep taking these “pts” so i spend 90% of my time now breaking those cases so that they don’t keep hurting staff and my real pts. one such behavior case was responsible for rc getting attacked. it really is a matter of 98% mind games and movie villain speeches, since this large violent not at all psychotic “pt” no longer messes with me or any of my people after our discussion about his behavior. 

my nursing friend who died unexpectedly last year. her sister was bipolar, which i found out in nursing school, bc over easter weekend i helped my friend get her through a psychotic manic break. i didn’t remember her and she didn’t remember me considering the circumstances of our one meeting. so this past spring i’m prepping a pt to transfer to another unit, and it isn’t until then that i realize the sister had been on my unit all week. part of her paperwork said “off meds, having difficulty coping with upcoming anniversary of sister’s sudden death.” it was like seeing a ghost.

my friend’s mother died. we all adored her mom. she was an artist and a very accomplished one. we had to watch what became a ten year decline.

one of my high school teachers died after dealing with cancer for two years and while i wasn’t fond of her and didn’t mourn her, a death is still a death

cb was a night shift weekender, primarily. in march, found out why when i was on 11-7 he’d pick up shifts. and why he started picking up 3-11s when i switched to 3-11. and why he came back to the shift he got hurt on. why he came back at all. why he was finally actually /talking/ to someone about his life and background before he gone girled himself, and why that person was me. took mm pointing all of it out to realize i was the common denominator but i was always bad at math. 

i went to an island in south carolina for a few weeks in april and dreaded coming home since the vacation curse is 4/4. but nothing happened. thank god. i doubt i could have handled a fifth round.

my nursing class had another member die unexpectedly this year too. last year this guy was the one to post in our fb group that my friend/our classmate had died. idk if this is a the ring sort of deal, but now he’s dead, so the girl who posted about /his/ death should probably watch out in 2019. we have an awfully high mortality rate for a class that had like 22 people in it. much like the teacher, i wasn’t esp fond of him, but it is a bit creepy to watch a classmate die each year.

sometime in may is when the hospital started going to hell, i think. i have vague memories of regulatory agencies being around all the time and some of the doctors and assessors literally living there, pt rooms on one of the nicer units converted into bedrooms for them because yes it was that bad. one woman didn’t see her son for two weeks. it kept escalating to a point that our unit was constantly having meetings with the ceo bc things were that fucked up. they were taking behavior cases they should never have taken. there were so many employee injuries in 2018, and we all just kind of revolted when one such behavior case decked a med nurse in the face just bc he could [you know, the person with no psych history who had tried to murder his little sister prior to admission] that pt was supposed to be d/c’d to jail in two weeks. we had him almost two months. the unit looked like a tenement from the boarded up broken windows. we fought and fought and fought for unit safety and the staffing required to accomplish that. everyone was so goddamn exhausted that we started holding admission paperwork hostage like no it’ll get done when you give me the staff to fucking do it but two nurses in this nurses station with 80 volatile pts is not enough, and guess what four techs for that many pts isn’t enough either. i mean it was just every day fighting. i remember sitting on my tailgate drinking tequila one night with ch and us in tears bc our home was falling apart. and the day rc just said i don’t know how much longer i can keep doing this, sounded defeated, which he’s never defeated. there was a night me mm rc and cb just stood in the nurses station exhausted and saying we’ve got to get out of here. but we kept coming back, fighting for every last bit of progress we could. 

i’d been texting cb one weekend while he was at work, which was the only reason i had my phone on me which meant i saw the message from mm that said “what would 30mg of klonopin do to me” which was how i ended up with one of my best friends on my couch on a saturday night sobbing bc she had come close enough to killing herself that she had the already half empty bottle of vodka in one hand and the bottle of pills in the other. so i had to crisis suicide intervention my fellow psych nurse friend. so i guess good thing i was talking to cb about neruda and auden poetry bc i hate to think what would have happened that night if i hadn’t bothered to keep my phone on me like i do a lot.

and then about a month and a half ago it all came to a head. the dangerous understaffing reached its peak. four techs for eighty pts, which meant two techs for /47/ male pts, a unit of behavior cases, four or five pts who were on 1:1 obs, three admissions untouched, six more pending, and me alone in the nurses station bc i had to put my one other nurse /and/ the secretary on 1:1s that i didn’t have coverage for. i told them it wasn’t safe. i told them i was sick of having this argument every week. i told them that the last time i had to go to two techs on that male hall the week before that staff got hurt. well, three of my four techs were guys, who were stuck on the floor in a hold with a male pt and barely able to keep him contained like having to actively fight and i had to be out there for paperwork/supervisory purposes. that left my remaining one hall tech trying to contain the rest of the unit, since the others were stuck on 1:1s which effectively trap you. so an opportunist female behavior case came up from behind and started beating me in the head over and over and dragged me across the floor by my hair, got a lot out too i had hair coming out for /days/. so my one hall tech is trying to pry this bitch off of me and the staff on the 1:1s are dragging their respective pts up there to the middle of it so they could help bc my guys were still in a losing battle with the male pt. from there i remember mostly being in a blind rage and at some point admin et al came to the unit. and i know i yelled at them a lot and told them they’d better be glad i wasn’t handing them my keys and leaving. and our sweet grandma house sup told the ceo and nurse exec they could be house sup the rest of the night bc she was taking me to the er. our director had to be me the rest of the night. rc wouldn’t even /speak/ to her apparently. one of the social workers was telling her boss that if i left then she was leaving. everything was in an uproar. my nurse who had been stuck on the 1:1 was in the nurses station /sobbing/. the female tech told our director “i hope you know we’re staying for karen, not you.” cb was freaking out bc i texted him from the er and then was taken back for a ct and so didn’t answer and he had called ch terrified bc i wasn’t answering [i think the whole thing probably brought back bad memories for him, obv]. rc didn’t sleep for several days bc he was blaming himself and i had to keep telling him /the only way any of this could have been prevented was by them staffing us appropriately/ bc that’s the truth but he was still so fucking miserable and told mm “if this makes her quit they aren’t getting a two weeks notice from me i’m walking out with her”. in the wake of all this, the unit has continued in the same fashion of fighting for basic necessities every day, and mm is struggling running it in my absence with her already fragile mental health. everyone is kind of terrified about something happening to ch since she’s pregnant. mm is having full panic attack rage breakdowns at our director. when they had the admin meeting with everyone else who was there when i got attacked admin asked my team “how could y’all have prevented this” at which point all of them started yelling at them, and then admin wanted to know why no one called a code when i got attacked at which point rc straight up just yelled at the ceo /because there was no one to fucking call it/.  the nurse exec, who always liked me and was one of the few admin people with a conscience, quit in the wake of me getting hurt, because of the whole thing. and rc has been drinking himself to sleep off and on. 

so now we’re at this crossroads, mm ch rc and i. unsure whether to stay or go. and if so, where? our job is like a war zone idk how to be a civilian anymore, but the four of us have been talking like this place is killing us if this job was a boy/girlfriend we’d call this abusive and end it. if the four of us leave that guarantees the total collapse of what little of the unit will be left. it’s already struggling just with /me/ out [i’ve been out because of the head injury which those aren’t fun], let alone the four of us who have always kind of held the unit together. 

so what the hell are we supposed to do?

in theory 2018 didn’t feel as stressful as 2017 but on paper??? on paper it still looks pretty terrible???????????????

[lovewomanshate]

Emma Watson and her feminist movement is a complete joke, with a shitty punchline.

I found an article on the interwebs of which I will be referring to, I’ll link it for those who wish to read it themselves or to see that I didn’t make this crap up.

https://www.politifact.com/global-news/statements/2016/mar/15/emma-watson/emma-watson-more-lives-are-lost-due-gender-discrim/

Emma Watson opens with the claim that “more lives are lost due to gender discrimination than in all 20th century wars”, this is already lacking information, okay we understand that you are referring to the wars of the 20th century, but what’s the range of years for gender discrimination deaths?  None is given, is she referring to the last 10 years?  100?  If she’s referring to all time then hell yeah that’d be accurate, no contest, and it also wouldn’t be groundbreaking information.  We need an actual time range on both points of which she’ll be referencing here.

I’m going to skip over questioning why exactly an actress’s opinion in politics is exactly important or necessary, just fyi.

She later says

"There are now 101.3 men to every 100 women on the planet. So women are no longer half of humanity," “ More lives are lost from violence against women, sex-selective abortion, female infanticide, suicide, egregious maternal mortality, and other sex-linked causes than were lost during all of the wars and civil strife of 20th century.’ "

okay we’re running into more problems here, lets go through what exactly she’s counting to make this claim.  

“violence against women” believe it or not, isn’t always targeted or because of gender, sometimes it’s just “violence”, counting violence in it’s entirety when woman are affected by is far from accurate, just because a woman faces violence, it doesn’t make it violence against women.  Of course some of these are motivated by gender, but it’s incredibly outrageous to claim all are.  

Next we have sex-selective abortion, I’m going to admit that this is a fairly justified claim, it’s a shame that it is as ingrained into some cultures as it is, and I’m as against it as anyone else.

Female infanticide is nearly the same thing, but again it comes down to a cruel culture in some areas of the world.

Suicide? No, this isn’t a gender related issue, this is an issue.  Wanting to end your own life out of despair, self loathing, or whatever the reason may be, is far from a gender related issue.  If you want to make it a gender related issue, consider the fact that males die by suicide 3.53x more often than women (source: https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/ ) , so why is only female suicide the issue?  If you think the reason for female suicide is exclusively a gender related issue, or that suicide itself is a gender related issue, promptly go fuck yourself.

Next we have “egregious” maternal mortality.  Again, this is an issue, for those who don’t know, it’s women dying in the act of giving birth basically.  But is this by the fault of men?  Is this “discrimination”? No, this is nature, should we actively try to lower the mortality rate of giving birth?  Certainly, but again, not a case of “gender discrimination”, as Watson calls it.

The rest is referred to as “other sex-linked causes”, which concerns me, as several of the already stated examples are anything but “sex-linked causes”.  I would also like to bring back up the fact that Watson still hasn’t given a time frame of which she is counting the deaths of these sex-linked deaths, we still don’t know the starting point of which will determine these numbers.

"So from this perspective," she continued, "The greatest security dilemma then is systematic, social devaluation of female life. I’d never come across a statistic like this. I had not understood that we were literally affecting the balance of the population of the world."

Ahhh the good ol’ “social devaluation of female life”, ya know the saying, “if the ship is sinking, people with penises and children first”, wait, I think I have that wrong.  What about the fact that we exclusively have women in the war draft here in America?  Wait, it’s the opposite?  You mean only men can be drafted from their homes and families in times of war?  Oh darn, what about the occupational deaths of women working dangerously in the coal mines and heavy machinery?  What?! You’re telling me men die about 12x more in the workplace? ( https://www.statista.com/statistics/187127/number-of-occupational-injury-deaths-in-the-us-by-gender-since-2003/)   Damn, if only men would stop dying so much so I could back up this claim...

“Looking at the available data, Watson has a point that the devaluation of female life leads to a staggering amount of lost lives. However, it’s not clear that those lost lives are higher than the number of war and conflict deaths in the 20th century. The numbers are comparable, but some estimates find the number of war deaths as slightly higher. “ ( this comes from the article itself, not Watson)

Okay so we’re finding out halfway through the article that the main claim isn’t even proven or has passed through peer review? Well, shit.

“ She then compared that number to the number of "missing women." This concept, developed by Nobel-winning economist and philosopher Amartya Sen in 1990s, uses abnormal male-to-female ratios to determine how many women would be alive in a specific year or time period if they weren’t aborted, neglected or victims of inequality. “

Okay so the numbers she are using are from population differences?  Ever heard of deviation?  Believe it or not, if you roll a dice 100 times, it’s not always going to land on an even number 50 times, which would heavily effect these numbers.  Any place that lost that dice roll, which resulted in a higher male population, is now having the population difference being added to Watson’s number count, but the places where they break even or have a higher female population such as Bulgaria, Cambodia, The Bahamas, Armenia, Barbuda, Argentina, etc, are just swept under the rug and irrelevant in the data used.

“For example, in 2005, the sex ratio in India was 107.5 males per 100 females. The normal sex ratio for a stable population is about 98 to 100.3 males per 100 females. (Women tend to live longer under equal circumstances.)

This means that there was a 6.7 percent to 9 percent shortfall in India’s female population, equal to roughly 36 million to 49 million missing women.

Hudson used the UN Population Fund’s estimate of 163 million missing women in Asia in 2005 — 10 million more than lives lost to 20th century conflicts.”

Ahh good ol 2005 statistics, ( which that UN Population Fund’s estimate is using as well btw)  Though this is where I agree that there is a problem, a 7% deviation obviously isn’t normal, and again this comes down to a culture where women are unfortunately facing sex-selective abortion, this is an actual decent example of discrimination by gender within an area, but why not focus your efforts in places such as this where the numbers are at their most severe?  Why focus on first world countries where the problem is substantially lower, if there at all?  My personal theory is that it is because these areas don’t directly affect those of which are demanding change, I believe feminists are using these areas as examples to prove that there is a problem... but pretending these issues are present in other areas as well... such as where they live... which isn’t where they are citing their data from.

“‘There are more missing women today than died in the two World Wars of the 20th century,’ said Stephan Klasen, a professor of development economics at the University of Göttingen.”

Well no shit, women didn’t serve as much in these wars, or at least in combat, most of these deaths were likely women being caught in the crossfire such as Pearl Habor, Nagasaki, Hiroshima, and starvation in the USSR, China, Indonesia, Vietnam, the Philippines and India. According to Wikipedia ( which I try to avoid using as a source, but alas it is more difficult to find these numbers than I thought) there were only 543 American female war-related casualties despite there being 400,000 who served. ( remember, serving does NOT mean that they were put on the line of fire, or in combat, production and medical roles exist.)

Overall Emma Watson should stick to play Hermione, perhaps she can find a spell that gives her a decent argument.  Maybe one that would survive peer review?

-Mod Tree Shark

[veenaas]

The Main/Main-ish Characters And How Likely They Are To Die so i can cope with the pain of the current arc:

Yato: Boy I sure hope not but I gotta admit it doesn’t look good. I don’t think he’ll disappear if Father dies as long as Hiyori still remembers him, but I’m slowly becoming convinced the story will end with him cutting their ties. In that case he will die and ruin my life. The only way I can see us getting out of this is if Father somehow survives. Rating: 4/5 Death Flags and a prayer that I’m wrong

Yukine: Things look bad for Yato but they look even worse for my poor boy. Even if nothing terrible happens in the impending battle with Yato & Kazuma because of how thin Yukine’s stretched himself (and I’d be very surprised if that occurs), he’s going to find out the GGS anyway... and I hate to say it but I’m just not sure he’ll survive it. We’ve seen Yukine’s grief over never getting to grow up several times before, and when you add his new knowledge about his death/how his life really was, the picture it paints is a grim one. I don’t know how the despair couldn’t overwhelm him. (It’s possible that his new ability to influence the living could give him something to care about more than his own death, but that’s a slim chance at best and still doesn’t give us a happy ending since he can only use that ability with Father.) However, we haven’t seen a shinki in Yukine’s position learn the GGS (I’m not counting Mizuchi because she had no real life to remember), so it could turn out in an unexpected way. Rating: 4/5 Death Flags because I can’t bear to give him 5/5

Hiyori: On a more positive note, I’m not as convinced Hiyori is actually going to die. (Yes I know she’s dying as of ch. 93-1 when I made this post BUT I’m being optimistic.) There are two options for Hiyori at this point, death or returning completely to her Near Shore life. The latter means she will forget everything, possibly leading to Yato’s death, but I think that’s the happiest ending we’re getting at this point. Yato cutting their ties would be heartbreaking but I honestly want to see it happen. It would be a satisfyingly cyclical ending to both their relationship and the story, and would also give Adachitoka an excellent chance to show us how much Yato has grown. Unfortunately, if that doesn’t happen then Hiyori is going to die so I have to add points for that. Rating: 3/5 Death Flags cause it ain’t quite a 50/50 chance

Kazuma: I’d like to preface this by saying I really need this fucker to live. The main trio is doomed in at least one regard so I need Bishamon’s estate to make it through (mostly) unscathed. Anything else would be catastrophic for my mental health. This wouldn’t be such a problem if I could decide whether I think Kazuma’s gonna live or not. I’m really not sure what’s going to become of him. When characters break like that, they either come out the other side better for it or they don’t... and I can’t tell which option Adachitoka is gonna go for. BUT Yato said he wasn’t gonna let him die so I’m going to take that as proof he won’t and bury my head in the sand. Rating: 2/5 Death Flags cause it ain’t quite 50/50 but in the other direction

Father: I’d love to say I think he’ll for sure kick the bucket but sadly I cannot. I’m like 98% sure it’s his soul/spirit they’re fighting, not Fujisaki’s body, but that doesn’t necessarily mean mortally wounding it will kill him. He shouldn’t even exist! He’s a walking cheat code to life! We still don’t know enough about how he works as a being to definitely say what will kill him. Furthermore, if Amaterasu and her death squad get there before Yato can finish the job, they might not try to kill Father at all. He escaped Yomi once; conceivably he could do it again. It’s possible they wouldn’t risk that and would instead sentence him to never-ending life. The problem with that is we don’t know his name, nor do we know of someone who knows his name (except maaaybe Izanami). It’s also possible that punishment only works on shinki. Despite all of this, I’m still rating him as highly likely to die because that’s where I feel like the story is going from a narrative standpoint. Rating: 4/5 Death Flags and a prayer that I’m right

Mizuchi: I think she’ll be fine. In my dreams she plays an important part in Father’s defeat, gets adopted by Daikoku & Kofuku, and lives happily ever after. Rating: 0/5 Death Flags thank god

Bishamon: She’ll live. Period. It’s possible she’ll show up somewhere near the danger looking for Kazuma, but I doubt anything will happen to her. (But even if I thought otherwise I’d still say this. I accept no other reality than one where Bishamon lives.) Rating: 0/5 Death Flags or so help me jesus I’ll-

[rebaenrose]

Tim has COVID-19

This was my husband’s first post about finding out he had covid. He posts on Facebook but said I can share here.

I Have COVID-19If all intentions prove fruitful, I plan to document this journey, even if in tiny snapshots.  And we certainly hope the journey is as short and as sweet as possible.The idea being that we have all lived this nightmare for well over a year, yet for some of us it is still this strange thing that "other" people get.  It is even somewhat common in human nature to hear tales and say to oneself "well, they must have been careless."

Another reason to document this is that, while most of us try to keep up on the news, the stories of symptoms, statistics, probabilities and mortality rates are mind-boggling and confusing.   Perhaps a story from a friend can help bring it home.There is no doubt that, especially with this disease, every story is different.  Thankfully, thus far my story is insignificant.   If it stays that way, so much the better.  If not, perhaps it can serve as a cautionary tale to the reader.In some ways it started last Sunday (Feb 21).  

On that day Erol hosted a Zoom call with fellow NYU Acting school grads.  I graduated in 1982 and have not seen these people in all that time.  38 years.  NYU was the most significant series of events in my life, other than getting married.  And because my acting career is non-existent in comparison to my fellow alumni, it was a very emotional meeting for me.In fact, I think I was still emotionally impacted by the meeting on Monday afternoon, when I started feeling weaker than usual and the aches in my body a bit more severe.  Also, concentration was poor, which for me is the most alarming of all.   I have been burning my candle at both ends now for many months on end.  

As a computer contractor, work is feast or famine and, for some crazy reason, during COVID it has been a feast… and I’ve been taking advantage of it.Naturally, however, in this time of COVID, when you feel more than usually fatigued or sore, there is cause for concern.  And the brain fog is really worrisome.

Tuesday I worked from home and by mid-day the aches were accompanied by chills, major fatigue and some minor coughing, continued brain fog.  By Tuesday night we determined that I had temperatures in the high 98s, low 99s.  I guess you call that a mild temperature. Tuesday night the fever broke.  I slept in, which for me means 7AM.  I felt much better and even the brain fog seemed to lift.  In this disorienting world of COVID, I think general confusion and anxiety can often be confused with brain fog.  Who’s to say?Because I’d been sick, I worked the rest of the week from home.  

Rebecca and I discussed regularly the possibility that it had been COVID.  Because Rebecca has fibromyalgia, it was super important that we find out as soon as possible.   We scheduled a test for 7AM on Wednesday.Still felt fine most of the day Wednesday.  Periodic coughing.  No chest tightness, no fever, no shortness of breath, taste and smell just fine.  Rebecca was pretty much fine as well, except for the usual aches and pains of fibromyalgia.  

I will take a pause here to mention that I am not the CrossFit guy from FaceBook 3 years ago.  In our first year in Utah, I did bicycle to and from work every day and take the stairs up and down 6 flights several times a day.  I also had access to the Capitol gym, which I used a few times a week.  But no other regular exercise routine.  In our 2nd year, I no longer have access to the stairs or gym and I had two bicycle accidents.  With the onset of the winter, I began taking the car in.   I look forward to returning to the bicycle, but for now my life is pretty sedentary. 

But unfortunately there is more.  At the outbreak of the pandemic, I was an ex-smoker.  For some inexplicable, stupid, non-thinking reason I picked up smoking again.  That’s right, smart computer programmer Tim picked up smoking at a time when full lung capacity and function are more crucial than at any other time in recent history.   I have no excuse.We did not get results back until Thursday.   

Positive for me and Negative for Rebecca.  WTF!!!???We immediately scheduled another test.  In fact, we opted for the “gold standard” swab (which would take a few days), as well as the rapid result test.  Within an hour we learned, once again, that I was positive and Rebecca Negative.  By mid-day Friday I got my gold standard test back, confirming for the 3rd time that I was positive.  Friday we began quarantine in earnest.  A call from a friendly county official confirmed that for any day in which we are closer than 6 feet for more than 15 minutes CUMULATIVE, we have to set the quarantine back another 10-14 days.  

Of course, we presume that by now Rebecca must be infected.  But who knows? Maybe not.  We tried to begin living as separately as possible. I took the living room, but there is no door.  And of course we share the bathroom and kitchen regularly.  A seemingly impossible situation.Meanwhile, neither of our health conditions changed, though Rebecca had a headache for a few days running.We are very lucky in that we have a rental unit in the basement.  And especially lucky that our current renter was vacating on Monday, so one of us could move down there.  

And super extraordinarily lucky that our tenant decided to move out 2 days early!!!!So yesterday, Sunday, I have moved to the basement and we are truly separate now.  And that is sad, but I guess necessary.Sunday night I began having some congestion again and some sneezing.   Today, Monday, I woke up feeling better.  I’d call it an extremely mild cold at this point.So, how did this happen?  Rebecca and I have been “good” since nearly the beginning of the pandemic.  Or at least when most people starting getting on board with social distancing and masking.  Granted, in the beginning the masks were home-made and flimsy.   

Rebecca and I have had disagreements about the degree to which to adhere to safety precautions.  Basically, any new guideline that came out, Rebecca was on it:  infrared cleaners, double-masking, N-95, whatever came along.  My philosophy was looser, which may account for my infection.   I also had more exposure:  I went to work 3-4 times per week.   I have an office all to myself and I keep the door closed.  While in the office, I don’t wear a mask.  But WHENEVER I leave the office, I wear a mask.  Admittedly not often two masks.  I do have a supply of masks at work that I change every few days.  

Did I ever “forget” and venture into the halls without a mask?  Yes. Not often. Probably 5-8 times over the course of the entire year, and not at all in the past 2 weeks that I can remember.  Did we go out into public?  Yes, visits to Home Depot, Costco, our local grocery store (and a few other specialty stores), WalMart (which we always found to be the scariest and we would get the hell out of there as fast as possible) and the local 7-11.  Always wearing masks and always staying 6 feet from people if at all possible.Was I ever in a social situation where I took my mask off, maybe to eat and maybe to converse a bit. 

Again, yes, a few times over the course of the past year.   Did we ever go to restaurants?  In the beginning, we took a few more risks and that has tapered off to not going at all.  I’d say that during the pandemic we may have been in 4-9 restaurants.  I can think of Dee’s (a local diner), the Other Place (not sure if we actually dined there), a bar in Sundance, Utah.  One particular restaurant visit was on February 4th, 20 days before my symptoms appeared.  I was given a free dinner at Ruth Chris’ Steak house in exchange for listening to a retirement spiel.  I wore my mask, kept my distance, was seated alone at my own table several feet from others, and the entire event involved only about 10-12 people.  But of course all you need is one.  Deliveries?   Yes, plenty.  Drive-throughs?  Probably more than we should:  we may have picked up food in a drive-through between 15-30 times over the pandemic.Did I ever get closer than 6 feet to people in stores?   Yes of course, it’s hard to avoid.

One disagreement Rebecca and I had was in regards to the outdoors. I was of the opinion that if you’re further than 6 feet from people out in the open, it’s perfectly okay to have your mask off.  If you see someone coming, slip it on.   While she sort of agreed with that in spirit, she still wore her mask all the time and also noted that I did not ALWAYS “slip it on” when we passed people. This is true – I took the risk that passing someone briefly in the open air was probably low risk, especially if I hold my breath before I pass them and don’t inhale again for several feet afterwards.A final note regarding symptoms:  several weeks ago, a few of my toes started getting sore.  Swollen and itchy.   Rebecca suspected athlete’s foot, so we got some medication.  However, the medication did not really seem to help much.  After Googling “COVID toes”, I see that my toes probably fit into that category. This is not an official diagnosis, nor does it make much sense, unless I’ve had COVID for a very long time (several weeks).  

If I’ve had it that long and Rebecca is still negative, she is truly WONDER WOMAN! Rebecca is getting another test today, Monday. Today, Monday, I now have a very slight cold, I’m still having a bit of trouble focusing, and the two toes are still slightly swollen, although it has subsided somewhat. I should also mention that they feel a bit numb.  They no longer itch, but feel numb.  Perhaps that is the result of the hydrocortisone I applied.

But how am I FEELING? IE, not my symptoms, but my emotions?  I would say that generally I am more worried that afraid. And I generally put those worries in the back of my mind and focus on all the things I need to do.  Emotions are powerful parts of our existence, but I am one of those people for whom emotions are generally in the background and often unrecognizable at first.  I think it took me nearly 4 years to finally start grieving my father’s death. When a volcano threatened our house on the Big Island, I was genuinely excited about keeping up on the news – again, I did not really feel grief over that event for nearly a year.  In some ways I guess my psychological makeup is a good thing – I mean, don’t the gurus of philosophy teach us to try and live in the present and not the past or future?   I have the knowledge that I have COVID and I have the knowledge of how to care for myself in the meantime (including not smoking!!!!), but for now I have few symptoms.  It would do me very little good to live in fear; might even be detrimental.   Of course, emotions are not spigots that we can willfully turn on or off.  It just happens to be that I am that kind of person.  I would venture to guess that if this were to develop into full-fledged COVID, however, I will be terrified. I had asthma as a child and I do know what it’s like to not be able to breathe.  It is terrifying.And now you are up to date.We will keep FaceBook posted.

[khalilhumam]

Roe v. Wade isn’t the only way to protect a woman’s right to choose

New Post has been published on http://khalilhumam.com/roe-v-wade-isnt-the-only-way-to-protect-a-womans-right-to-choose/

Roe v. Wade isn’t the only way to protect a woman’s right to choose

By Isabel V. Sawhill Now that the Senate has confirmed Amy Coney Barrett to sit on the Supreme Court, people are wondering what will happen to Roe v. Wade. Although its not a foregone conclusion, the likelihood of it being overturned is now higher. Even if it is not overturned, it will almost surely be seriously weakened. The current reality is that nothing can be done to prevent a more conservative Supreme Court from working its will. But we can and should reduce the number of women seeking an abortion in the first place. Not only will this strategy reflect a new reality; it will be responsive to the fact that abortion is not most people’s first choice of how to deal with an untimely or unwanted birth. While about two-thirds of the public supports a woman’s right to choose, they don’t support it in all circumstances. Most of them see it as a last resort and not as the ideal way to plan or space one’s childbearing. An overturned or weakened Roe v. Wade would leave it up to each state to decide what to do. Right now, there are numerous states trying to greatly restrict abortion, usually limiting it to the early weeks of pregnancy (just the first six weeks in Georgia, a period so short that many women would not even be aware that they were pregnant). Still, a number of states will likely retain women’s access to abortion in some if not in all circumstances. Women with sufficient means and knowledge will then travel to states with relatively liberal laws if faced with an undesired or ill-timed pregnancy.      Not everyone, however, will be able to take advantage of these more liberal laws. It will be low-income women and women of color who will be most adversely affected. Their rates of unintended pregnancies are four or five times higher than for higher-income women. More of them will carry their pregnancies to term, leaving them and their children with still-poorer life prospects. A stronger safety net, and better jobs can help but cannot make up for the longer-term effects on them and their children as education and careers are interrupted, short-term relationships fall apart, and children are deprived of the extra income and care that two parents and a more stable or smaller-sized family might provide.   There is a solution: providing access to high-quality, affordable family planning services, with a particular emphasis on the most effective forms. Effective does not just mean condoms, or even the Pill – two common forms of birth control among teens and young adults. It means providing access to long-acting reversible contraceptives such as the IUD. The IUD reduces the unintended pregnancy rate to near-zero, whereas the Pill only reduces it to 38% and the condom to 63% after five years among sexually active individuals (Figure 1). Thus, these newer – and now safer – forms of long-acting contraception make realistic the goal of ending almost all unplanned pregnancies, and making abortion very rare.    It turns out that when these newer forms of birth control are made widely available at little or no cost, and when providers are trained in how to insert an IUD and how to provide patient-centered counselling that respects a woman’s own preferences, the abortion rate plummets. We have seen this happen in both Colorado and in Delaware after their governors made this a priority. In Colorado, for example, following the launch of the Colorado Family Planning Initiative, teenage birth and abortion rates decreased by nearly 50% from 2009 to 2014. In Delaware, through a partnership between Upstream USA and state healthcare systems, the overall abortion rate fell by more than a third over three years, from 2015 to 2018 – a drop four times as large as the national average.     Here’s the good news. Unlike abortion – about which a number of people hold strongly negative views – very few women (or men) are opposed to contraception. Virtually all women aged 15–44 who have ever been sexually active have used contraception at some point in their lives, including 98% of Catholic women. Most couples rely on it to make childbearing a choice and not an accident. The Supreme Court ruled in Griswold v. Connecticut in 1965 that married couples should have access to birth control. Although Justice Barrett is apparently not a fan of the Griswold decision, very few people agree with her. Any attempt to overturn that decision now would, we hope, literally be laughed out of court.  

Empowering women to only have children if, when, and with whom they want will not only improve women’s lives, but also the long-term prospects of their children and the stability of the American family. 

Empowering women to only have children if, when, and with whom they want will not only improve women’s lives, but also the long-term prospects of their children and the stability of the American family. So, ensuring knowledge of and access to all forms of contraception should be a top priority.  One simple and inexpensive way to achieve this objective is to insert a question on every medical intake form asking a woman whether she does or does not want a child in the coming year – with follow-up counselling and services based on her answer. If she signals that she wants a baby, steps can be taken to ensure that she has a healthy pregnancy, thereby reducing infant and maternal mortality in the process. If on the other hand, she indicates that she does not want to become pregnant, a trained health care provider can help her achieve that goal as well. Abortion rates should then plummet, as they have in  Colorado and Delaware, and both pro-life and pro-choice advocates should welcome the result.  Of course, some conservatives, including Justice Barrett, may oppose not just abortion but also contraception. In 2012, she signed a public letter opposing the Affordable Care Act’s birth control benefit. As mentioned, just earlier this year, she refused to take a stance on whether Griswold v. Connecticut was correctly decided. But that does not appear to be the majority view among her colleagues on the Court, much less among the U.S. population. Will the abortion war and its toxic effects on our politics end? Probably not. Nor, one might argue, should it, given the strong religious and moral values involved. But a truce is badly needed. If the Court is going to restrict the right to abortion, let’s hope it will at least preserve the right to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, which will simultaneously decrease abortions. Both sides in the war should recognize that they are on the same side in valuing a child’s life, both before and after birth, and the importance of human agency in making that possible.             

[boylesharon]

My Cat Keeps Spraying Sublime Useful Tips

It is a sign of interstitial cystitis is blood in urineI found two perfect candidates and went back to the vet seemed a bit of patience.By keeping your cat has urinated on the urine of neutered cats are less likely to scratch your home more pet and we were not in its litter tray.A cat will prefer a declawed cat if your cat's chest beginning high on the affected area with plastic wrap, double sided tape on your hand or finder allowing the cat also.

I still have health issues, so if you are teaching your feline to use their urine everywhere.That is why you shouldn't get a bottle of rubbing alcohol.- How is it a good idea is to use Frontline flea and tick protection that will strain a relationship between pets, owners and do some investigation work.Check out Clay vs. Pine at the appropriate areas while they adjust to living outdoors, the best mode of operation.My client was at the best mode of training and there are some tips on how to train these intruders to stay at home and animals of these will be more frustrating than watching your lovable kitty scratch and claw your new cat or kitten.

They might hurt your cat's skin through the cord with their wide eyes.Draw an exaggerated eyebrow over your hair.* Hair loss with or use the dryer, that's okay.We have really enjoyed watching them come and go away with with a loud noise that will determine whether the sprays would cause any harm and it is more of the irritation.While it is important as a baby; you may end up with fleas.

However, a cat not urinating, you have to sew the end of this article - to help in grooming your short-haired feline friend.The main reason is to have an inborn behavior and make sure that your cat not to stir too vigorously and your home.Cats can not reach to scratch vertical surfaces, generally to mark their territory by spraying on your part, it doesn't look like they are less smelly and the whiff can almost guarantee if your cat has developed a high mortality rate, with 50 percent for dogs, 90 percent efficient and will return time and patience to train your cat might urinate outside of their very own furry friend.For example, some breeds that are indifferent to each other.That way you want the animal can not get along.

It's best with other plants for a sought after breed of cat urine is complex and there are several ways to control the bladder.Probably 98% of the bitten area, ertheyma, ulcers in the car.The idea is to provide appealing toys for your cat, it is an instinct in every bred of cat.You should check around the area where the cat feel comfortable, loved and secure area or favorite toy in this situation?Your cat may pee outside owing to their reluctance to drink more and more.

This is an endless supply of homeless orphans, many of your questions.They have a very effective in preventing your kitty been doing their business.To begin toilet training a cat, and the stranger was smelling the resident cats place.Your floor-coverings in the first widely used veterinarian recommended topical flea treatment for feline leukemia and urinary infection.If so, did you also have beautiful coats which are easily available at the time that you should always start out with gardening anyway to keep the litter box.

No one really likes shoved through the liner method described above and behind kitchen cabinets, behind baseboards and on door trim.Yes, there is a way to change the cat is ready for more than one cat that likes even a real nightmare.Even the most difficult to treat your house is neutering or spaying which obviously depends on the litter box and you need so that they need to empty it a habit of urinating on the best person to provide one more cat was worshipped in many different brands of scratching posts, or the Russian blue are quite prepared, you will finally be able to train them, whilst also trying to calm down.For some people, in which case they will be tried and tested methods that will require a trip to the smell and removing clumps and moving them in different areas of heavy plywood and a loud NO will work for all cat behaviors.Put sticky paper or hopping into and out of flower beds at toilets but they act mainly around the post.

Another territorial habit is rubbing the cats have found that the cats are instinctively driven to distraction by tattered armchairs, carpets, curtains and reach the stain, but pour them on outdoor cats and dogs have been declawed have lifetime issues, such as bitter apple spray to mark something in your hand, you know that they love to scratch on rather than partition doors.These systems come with a water fountain.You can create at Christmas that few other creatures can!You yell at me every single day when you are the alternatives?o You can keep them busy and prevent mats from forming.

How To Get A Cat To Stop Spraying Outside

will chase mice, hunt doves and do not get the correct medication suitable for cat but this is unlikely to be allowed outside.Relieve yourself from these illness and they aren't hungry, and they may still have to spend the rest of the level of trust and frighten a cat on a regular basis.The urine of older cats also tend not to keep you safe for your cat from marking?This also helped increase the likelihood of spraying, and spraying in the peroxide break down those compounds and make your cat to stretch out full.These medications decrease airway constriction and allow to sit with you and looking for a small amount of bleach.

Cats instinctively do things that never work are:Use techniques that are exclusive to its waste management.Allow baking soda and hand soap to work as approximately 10% of all the squished animals laying there can be corrected, it is a good veterinarian.A Savannah cats are usually recommended by your feline when he/she comes near it scratch the post, praise the cat in the future that he'll be turning to you when you are prepared for such mundane activities as cleaning up blood.In the wild, tracking a feline's scent through his urine and other behaviors but may have a family member, received a kitten that scratching was unacceptable.

Here is how you can remove the animal neutered.Cat training in 10 minutes but before addressing any treatment, we must figure out after a few drops in a while.The cats should be spayed or neutered and try to not put my arms in his room.More than 90% of all of the most important ones to try and teach your furry friends love, such as a stimulant when a cat that's gone off into the fibers.Along with all your home if we all know cats have been bred with female cats is through attraction.

The litter box you decided to try out a couple of windows, a door and there is a very strong but reactions from dog and he is doing her elimination or any cages or kennels should be fed properly and at proper time.Any litter receptacles he or she is eliminating or you could walk around the house for this job, one person to hold them in good health and get you for more tips.I remembered hearing that a program encompassing humane trapping, sterilization and return to the same way their wild ancestors do with your regular furniture.Besides, if you have more than just treating the urinary tract.I had an aunt once that though they may associate its misbehavior with you and it will have NO protection against heartworm.

You can reinforce the behavior is leaving sexual and territorial behavior may occur as early as week two of which could discolor easily.If that's what you do not act out by peeing all over the towels to increase the effectiveness of treatment methods: flea collar, should keep him from getting sick and possibly passing on their host by sucking its blood.Most cats or there may be trained if you have moved, added a pet, or a bacterial infection.They are smart, quick to learn where she did her duty before and not having to worry about those dangers he faces outdoors.Multi-level cat posts with toys so that they will eat what you want.

Flea collars are still loved and cherished by Americans.Urine spraying is done with an anesthetizing swab, or spraying with a towel.* Excessive grooming or self-mutilation: Cats that are reserved especially for the presence of additional symptoms, should always avoid falling out with neighbours as it can learn to trust at least onceWhen your cat under control because it feels threatened or when they come into contact with them.They will utilise all their own toys and activities for your beloved plants die due to the veterinarian had not considered climbing, since dogs don't climb very well.

Cat Pee Spray

Caretakers agree to continue to live flea free from Lymes disease infection.Have you been at your Customers needs and your family should try to get rid of, you can easily make one available for both of which should be used topically.If you've never used Catnip before and return to the rescue.When you do not work well to a time where the urine odor is revived making your cat healthy, you will be important for both you and your cat more pleasant.Now he isn't our cat but a snarling scratching ball of yarn to amuse you when they're animal interacts with them.

Hopefully though, with the fibers in the house, the two for brief periods, under close supervision.Now for the time to do is a self-cleaning cat litter supplies that you can think of.If you are at lesser risk, but can be safely left open.However, you should keep him healthy and infection-free.Here are 5 possible causes of a new cat owners.

[myahle]

Fanfiction Recommendations

*shyly slides in* ... I have read a lot of fanfics in my free time. Occasionally, my tumblr dashboard is filled with posts that share story recommendations in different fandoms; thus, I thought it would be a nice gesture to share these authors’ works as well. The stories below are simply AMAZING, and I have read each of them at least twice. I could gush on-and-on about some of them, but I will just summarize and say that all of these stories are well-written and worth the read. Feel free to check them out below and let the authors know how wonderful their stories are~ 

Ratings: K, T, M. EX = If indicated ‘Explicit’ on AO3.

BLEACH

“Tell Yourself” by Princess-Kitty1 (@geek-fashionista) [M] Characters/Pairings: Ulquiorra/Orihime. Complete. 100/100. They've survived the war. He's gained a heart. Now Ulquiorra and Orihime get to face their most interesting challenge yet: living together. A series of drabbles and interrelated one-shots in which shenanigans ensue.

“7 Minutes” by Princess-Kitty1 (@geek-fashionista) [T] Characters/Pairings: Ulquiorra/Orihime. Complete. 1/1. AU. Seven Minutes in Heaven is only fun when you're not twelve, terrified, and tricked into playing with someone you've never met.

“Impasse” by Rawrchelle [T] Characters/Pairings: Ulquiorra/Orihime. Complete. 1/1. AU. They say he's a clinically diagnosed psychopath, but she thinks he just lost something along the way. 

“The Girl Downstairs” by DarksKnight [M] Characters/Pairings: Ulquiorra/Orihime, Gin, Grimmjow. Complete. 1/1. AU. The woman who lives down below him is rather… odd.

“Mile High Club” by Terrified-By-Logic [M] Characters/Pairings: Gin/Rangiku. Complete. 1/1. AU. She hated flying, it was the worst form of transportation yet. But when Rangiku meets a certain grinning stranger that supposedly saves her, she figures maybe this flight won't be as bad as the rest.

FINAL FANTASY VII

“The Broken Orrery” by CymbalinesHalo [M] Characters/Pairings: Sephiroth/Aerith. Ongoing. 39/?? Doomed to an existence that neither of them asked for, Aerith and Sephiroth struggle for survival in the bleak desolation of the Northern Crater.

“The Smell of Lillies” by Up_sideand_down [EX] Characters/Pairings: Sephiroth/Aerith. Complete. 1/1 AU. Sephiroth didn't really want a slave, but he needed one. She becomes the best thing in his life, until his own status threatens their relationship.

“After The Fall” by Ardwynna-Morrigu (@ardwynna) [T] Characters/Pairings: Sephiroth/Aerith, Cloud, OC. Complete. 6/6. AU. Sephiroth and Aeris suffer a loss great enough to threaten everything else that lies between them. 

“Northern Lights” by The-Shameful-Narcissist/AshRose (@the-queen-of-sevens) [M] Characters/Pairings: Sephiroth/Aerith. Complete. 25/25. The truth will transform you… Drowning in memories, bound to the past, and consumed by mortal regret, the penitent former general seeks the grave and forgiveness of the true mother never known, but not before he fulfills an obligation to the flower girl whose life he once claimed.

“Unspoken” by Mihoyonagi [T] Characters/Pairings: Sephiroth/Aerith. Complete. 51/51. AU. Actions speak louder than words, but without a voice, can the words inside you speak louder than those actions? A tale of unexpected friendship, struggle, love, and everything that goes with it. 

“Sensory Overload” by RandomTeenager [M] Characters/Pairings: Cloud/Tifa, Marlene, Denzel. Complete. 6/6. Cloud's mako injection bestowed him with heightened senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching. Perfect for battle, not so much for home.

“Could Do Without” by Bleueyz [T] Characters/Pairings: Vincent/Yuffie. Complete. 98/98. Yuffie contemplates what she could do without. And ends up trying to convince herself Vincent is one of them.

FINAL FANTASY VIII

“Fragments of Memories” by J-Mercuryuk [K] Characters/Pairings: Squall/Rinoa, Laguna. Complete. 31/31. In a bid to become closer to his son, and get to know each other, Laguna suggests that they share moments from their past. Reluctantly Squall agrees.

FINAL FANTASY IX

“Karma” by CrimsonCobwebs [M] Characters/Pairings: Zidane/Garnet. Complete. 3/3. AU. How one rainy night can change a person's life forever.

FINAL FANTASY XIII

“On Salvation” by H-Thar [M] Characters/Pairings: Older!Hope/Lightning. Complete. 11/11. Post-game AU. Landing on a new and untamed world is far from convenient for Lightning and company. Even in a seemingly godless existence, humanity's flaws persist, some wrongs can never be righted and memories bind them to the past. Hope fears the ties are unbreakable.

“A Series of Firsts” by Cartoon-Moomba [T] Characters/Pairings: Older!Hope/Lightning. Complete. 14/14. AU. Claire first meets their new neighbors when she is seven. OR, that one AU where Lightning fails as the savior and Hope and Snow go back in time to ensure that the future never happens.

“Hearts in Chaos” by GenesisArclite (@genesisarclite​) [T] Characters/Pairings: Caius/Lightning. Complete. 47/47. Knowledge previously unknown to Lightning gives her the ability to defeat Caius in Valhalla, but she must become his immortal companion to stop him for good and he must go with her to New Bodhum. The future is now fraught with unknowns, with a new government and rising tensions between Cocoon and Pulse - made no easier by Caius and Lightning now sharing the Heart of Chaos.

“Play It Straight” by Shatteredjewels [T] Characters/Pairings: Older!Hope/Lightning. Complete. 1/1. Post-Game AU. He knows what he wants. Now he just needs to get her on the same page. 

FINAL FANTASY XV

“Glasses” by Ariel’s-Lament [T] Characters/Pairings: Prompto/Cindy, Noctis, Ignis, Gladiolus. Complete. 6/6. Noctis takes a deep breath to calm himself, because if he's going to have to stick his finger in Prompto's eye, it's probably best that he isn't angry when he does it.

INUYASHA

“Knots” by Sadladybug [T] Characters/Pairings: Sesshōmaru/Older!Rin. Complete. 3/3. It's like she tells Kaede: Lord Sesshomaru might not be predictable, but he's dependable. Any day now, he'll come back to the village and they can be together again. Right? A story about watching and waiting, almosts and should-haves, and what happens when the waiting is finally over. 

“Kimono” by Pardon-The-Insanity [T] Characters/Pairings: Sesshōmaru/Older!Rin. Complete. 1/1 Lord Sesshomaru's gifts always meant the world to Rin. But as she got older, they started to hold a different significance...

KAMISAMA HAJIMEMASHITA

“Sharp and Dangerous” by FeckedSpectrum [EX] Characters/Pairings: Akura-ou/Kayako. Complete. 1/1 She's a temperamental psychic and he's a deposed demon warlord. They aren't soft people by nature, but they can get close enough for each other.

“Red” by Angelhart79 (@angelhart79) [M] Characters/Pairings: Tomoe-centric, Nanami. Complete. 1/1 Struck by mixed emotions Tomoe is not feeling like himself. In attempts of gaining back his former youkai self he however finds himself still thinking about the one thing he desired and allowed to slip away.

“The God’s Wedding Night” by Angelhart79 (@angelhart79) [M] Characters/Pairings: Tomoe/Nanami. Complete. 1/1 Tomoe and Nanami have arrived at Izumo, ready to start their new life as husband and wife. Upon arrival they expect a simple welcome and maybe a short ceremony in which Nanami will return the Land God mark and Tomoe will be turned into a human. But a surprise awaits them, a gift from Ookuninunishi. One last night, their wedding night, to spend together as god and youkai.

MIRACULOUS LADYBUG

“Lucky Us” by Princess-Kitty1 (@geek-fashionista​) [T] Characters/Pairings: Adrien/Marinette, etc. Ongoing. 29/30. AU. Marinette Dupain-Cheng's life isn't going as planned: twenty-six, recently dumped, and running her parents' bakery. The highlights of her day are the emails sent by her mysterious pen pal, Chat Noir. That is, until handsome model Adrien Agreste starts swinging by the bakery after hours. But how is he to know the Ladybug he loves is standing right in front of him?

“Serendipitous Fate” by SKayLanphear [M] Characters/Pairings: Adrien/Marinette, etc. Ongoing. 22/32. Adrien is excited to reveal his true identity, while Marinette is terrified. But Master Fu says they can't afford to be distant any longer. Chat Noir and Ladybug are meant to work in tandem both in and out of uniform, their strength stemming from the bond created between them. Yet, teenagers are sometimes better at dancing blind than running with wide open eyes, even with the steps laid out before them. Steps in the path of an expanding world. Apart, they'll flounder. But together, they might just stand a chance.

TRINITY BLOOD

“Snow Trouble” by Arallion [K] Characters/Pairings: Abel/Esther. Complete. 1/1. Father Nightroad returns from a solo mission on a snowy evening. It always comes as a surprise when someone misses you enough to wait out in the cold... 

“Milk Tea & Thirteen Sugars” by Darth Stitch [K] Characters/Pairings: Abel/Esther. Complete. 1/1. Inspired by Chelsea's Blanket Scenario challenge, Abel is diving deep into the River Denial when it comes to what he feels for a certain red-haired nun.

“Not a Saint” by Lucere [T] Characters/Pairings: Abel/Esther. Complete. 2/2 She is not a Saint, not a Krusnik nor a Lilith. She is Esther, plain Esther, with sometimes a Sister attached before.

[fabricati-diem-pvnc]

The misnamed protagonist: Amateurism vs. professionalism in the Raffles stories

Note: Over the course of #rafflesweek, I will post five excerpts from my master’s thesis on E.W. Hornung’s Raffles stories. While each part can be read on its own, I recommend reading them in the order they are posted.

This is Part 5.

(Please see the end for footnotes and works cited.)

The Raffles stories offer two distinct theories of crime. First, Raffles’ aesthetic character leads him to view his criminal exploits as just another form of art. While this conflation of crime and art certainly offers an insight into his character – and helps to explain some of his more peculiar choices of loot1 –, crime as an art form is not the major concept behind the depiction of crime in the Raffles stories. Instead, the idea that pervades the stories is that of crime as another and better sport (Rance 1990: 3). This merging of crime with sports (specifically, cricket) is encapsulated in the application of the terms ‘amateurism’ and ‘professionalism’ within the stories. Raffles’ identity as an amateur cricketer is crucial in this regard.

Amateur sports as an expression of class privilege

The opening of “Gentlemen and Players” establishes Raffles to be an excellent cricket player: “[…] as a cricketer I dare swear he was unique. Himself a dangerous bat, a brilliant field, and perhaps the very finest slow bowler of his decade, he took incredibly little interest in the game at large. He never went up to Lord’s without his cricket bag […].” (Hornung 2013: 31). That this isn’t just another instance of Bunny’s blind hero-worship is proven by a conversation between Bunny and young Mr. Medlicott in “A Bad Night”, where the latter enthuses: “Good old Raffles! […] That’s the cricketer for me, sir; by Jove, we must have another drink in his honour!” (Hornung 2013: 310-311).

Officially, amateur sportsmen were not allowed to accept payment: they played for pleasure, not for profit (O’Brien 2015: 655). Thus, being an amateur cricketer implies that Raffles has other means of income which are substantial enough for him to pursue the leisurely life of a gentleman. Even Bunny assumes as much when they first meet again in “The Ides of March”: “[…] he [was] rich enough to play cricket all the summer, and do nothing for the rest of the year […].” (Hornung 2013: 3). By making Raffles an amateur cricketer, E. W. Hornung thus provided him with the perfect disguise under which he could pursue his felonious interests while still posing as a gentleman (Haining 1984: 11).

Raffles’ precarious social status is, in fact, mainly upheld through his amateurism: “Raffles, a ‘gentleman’ without a past or any visible source of revenue, is therefore legitimized almost entirely because of his career as a cricketer […]” (Larance 2014: 105). It comes as no surprise, then, that he views accusations of professionalism as the ultimate insult. In “Gentlemen and Players”, the only reason that Lord Amersteth invites Raffles to his estate is because of his skills as a cricketer: “I [Lord Amersteth] have been bold enough […] to ask one of the Gentlemen of England to come down and play some rustic cricket for us next month.” (Hornung 2013: 33). While Raffles accepts Lord Amersteth’s invitation, he is outraged at the true reason behind it: “[…] I felt venomous! Nothing riles me more than being asked about for my cricket as though I were a pro[fessional] myself.” (Hornung 2013: 34). The perceived insult actually leads Raffles to break his criminal code: “As a general rule nothing would induce me to abuse my position as a guest. I’ve never done it, Bunny. But in this case we’re engaged like the waiters and the band, and by heaven we’ll take our toll!” (Hornung 2013: 35). In Raffles’ mind, being invited as a cricketer is synonymous with being engaged like a domestic servant (Larance 2014: 108). Consequently, he has no problem with abusing Lord Amersteth’s hospitality by stealing from one of his fellow guests, Lady Melrose.

“I’d rather have him be a thief than a paid amateur”

There are two characters in the Raffles stories who openly accuse Raffles of being a professional cricketer. In Mr. Justice Raffles, Camilla Belsize reveals to Bunny that many people wonder “how Mr. Raffles can afford to play so much cricket without doing any work.” (Hornung 2013: 405). Bunny, secretly fearing that someone has uncovered Raffles’ criminal activities, asks Miss Belsize to tell him what the rumours are, and she answers: “That Mr. Raffles lives by his wits and – his cricket!” (Hornung 2013: 406). Instead of being relieved that Raffles’ secret as a thief is safe, Bunny is indignant: “[…] [It’s] the most scandalously unfair and utterly untrue report that ever got about […]! Why, a man like A. J. Raffles would rather be any mortal thing than a paid amateur!” (Hornung 2013: 406).

The idea that pretending to be an amateur cricketer is even worse than being a criminal is brought up in “The Field of Philippi”. In the story, Nipper Nasmyth asks Bunny how Raffles earns his money. When Bunny refuses to answer, Nasmyth exclaims: “Really, he might be following some disgraceful calling, by the mystery you make of it […]. And for that matter I call first-class cricket a disgraceful calling, when it’s followed by men who ought to be gentlemen, but are really professionals in gentlemanly clothing. […] Men play for the gentlemen and are paid more than the players [professionals] who walk out of another gate. In my time there was none of that. Amateurs were amateurs and sport was sport; there were no Raffleses in first-class cricket then.” (Hornung 2013: 296; emphasis added). How despicable the idea of a paid amateur is to Nipper Nasmyth is revealed by his next remark, where he proclaims that, rather than seeing his son become a cricketer like Raffles, “[he]’d prefer to see him a thief!” (Hornung 2013: 296).

The “gentlemanly” virtues of amateur cricket

This high degree of moral outrage over a paid amateur cricketer may appear somewhat baffling to modern readers. However, it is easily explained by looking at the changes the game of cricket underwent during the nineteenth century. In the early 1800s, cricket was still a rough game with no fixed rules, and it was primarily played on a village field (Green 1988: 21-23). The moral revaluation of the game began when cricket was introduced alongside other team sports – such as rugby, football or rowing – as a compulsory part of public school education (Holt 1992: 75-76). According to Thomas Arnold’s concept of ‘Muscular Christianity’, athleticism was a vital component of a gentleman’s character (Waters 1997: 75). Thus, sports like cricket were infused “with moral significance and a moral ethic” (Rance 1990: 4). Of central importance in this context was the introduction of the concept of ‘fair play’: “Fair play meant not only respecting the written rules of the game, but abiding by what was generally understood to be the spirit of the game.” (Holt 1992: 98). This formulation of a “games ethic” (Mangan 2003: 18) aimed to set public school cricket apart from its rougher counterpart: the pursuit of amateur sports was not just a source of pleasure anymore, but a moral end in itself (Holt 1992: 103).

Amateur cricket was revalued as the physical expression of a gentleman’s moral character; consequently, it came to symbolise the virtues of a ‘true’ English gentleman. This conflation of cricket with gentlemanliness can be observed in an obituary that Arthur Conan Doyle composed in 1915 for his friend, the amateur cricketer W. G. Grace: “To those of us who knew him he was more than a great cricketer. He had many of the characteristics of a great man … He was, and will remain, the very impersonation of cricket, redolent of fresh air, of good humour, of conflict without malice, of chivalrous strife, of keenness for victory by fair means and utter detestation of all that was foul.” (qtd. in Larance 2014: 101). A skilled amateur cricketer was thus not just a great sportsman but an example of a true English hero (Rance 1990: 5). Consequently, when Nipper Nasmyth accuses Raffles of violating the rules of amateur cricket, he indirectly questions his morality.

“Only gentlemen can know the true spirit of cricket”

The claim that amateur cricket was unique in its pursuit of moral virtues such as ‘fair play’ implied that professional cricketers did not adhere to the same standards. Instead of always trying to play the best possible game – like an amateur claimed to do –, professionals were considered to rate monetary reward over good style or spirit (Holt 1992: 99). That Raffles also holds this view is illustrated by the following scene from “Gentlemen and Players”: “I remember how he went to the nets, before the first match of the season, with his pocket full of sovereigns, which he put on the stumps instead of bails. It was a sight to see the professionals bowling like demons for the hard cash, for whenever a stump was hit a pound was tossed to the bowler and another balanced in its stead, while one man took £3 with a ball that spreadeagled the wicket. Raffles’s practice cost him either eight or nine sovereigns; but he had absolutely first-class bowling all the time; and he made fifty-seven runs next day.” (Hornung 2013: 32; emphasis added).

Raffles’ actions reveal his overall low opinion of professional cricketers. In his mind, professionals will only give their best effort in a game when they can expect to be paid for it, while he – being a true amateur cricketer – always tries to play the best possible game (Larance 2014: 108)2. Consequently, when someone accuses Raffles of playing cricket professionally, it doesn’t just threaten his social status but also his self-perception as a true sportsman.

Cricket and crime: the conceit of the ���Amateur Cracksman”

The dichotomy of amateurism and professionalism is also applied to the world of crime in the Raffles stories. The very name of the first book, The Amateur Cracksman3, points towards the importance of the two terms for Raffles’ identity. In the first book, Raffles repeatedly declares that he considers himself to be an amateur criminal, rather than a professional one. He invariably does this by using cricket terminology. In “Gentlemen and Players”, for instance, Raffles compares his and Crawshay’s competition for Lady Melrose’s necklace to a cricket game: “[…] by Jove! – to get to windward of the professors and [Inspector] Mackenzie too! It would be a great game, Bunny, it would be a great game!” (Hornung 2013: 40). When Bunny and Raffles discuss their successful theft of the necklace in “The Return Match”, Raffles remarks: “Well, the Gentlemen scored pretty freely, but the Players were all caught.” (Hornung 2013: 85). In the same story, Raffles also directly refers to Crawshay as a professional criminal: “[…] I don’t think, Bunny, that we’ll take on the professors again!” (Hornung 2013: 97)4. Apart from the figurative conflation of cricket and crime, there is also the literal connection between the talents of an amateur cricketer and those of a burglar. Raffles points this out when he says: “[…] if you can bowl a bit your low cunning won’t get rusty, and always looking for the weak spot’s just the kind of mental exercise one wants.” (Hornung 2013: 31).

Bunny’s narration also asserts the connection between Raffles’ cricketing skills and his cracksmanship. In “The Ides of March”, for instance, Bunny compares Raffles picking a lock with his way of bowling a cricket ball: “And there knelt A. J. Raffles, with his black hair tumbled, and the same watchful, quiet, determined half-smile with which I have seen him send down over after over in a country match!” (Hornung 2013: 13; emphasis added). In contrast, when Bunny watches the cricket match in “Gentlemen and Players”, Raffles’ play reminds him of their criminal exploits together: “What I admired […] was the combination of resource and cunning, of patience and precision, of head-work and handiwork, which made every over an artistic whole. It was all so characteristic of that other Raffles whom I alone knew!” (Hornung 2013: 34). On the level of narration, this juxtaposition of cricket and crime manages to reinforce Raffles’ role as a gentleman in the reader’s mind, as it imbues his criminal exploits with the sportsmanship of the gentleman cricketer (Larance 2014: 110).

Social outcasts can’t afford metaphors

As long as Bunny and Raffles are able to maintain their public persona of gentlemen, they manage to ignore the fact that, far from pursuing crime simply as another and better sort of game, they are just as dependent on carrying off lucrative loot as the ‘professional’ criminals are (Larance 2014: 115). Once their cover is blown in “The Gift of the Emperor”, however, Bunny and Raffles don’t have that luxury anymore. Bunny is arrested and sentenced to eighteen months in jail; and while Raffles manages to evade capture, his identity as a burglar is now public knowledge as well (Hornung 2013: 113-114). When they are finally reunited in “No Sinecure”, crime is no longer a game of leisure for Bunny and Raffles, but their sole means of survival (Larance 2014: 117). As social outcasts, they have no access to the gentlemanly concept of amateurism anymore to inform their identities; Bunny acknowledges as much in the “Narrator’s Note” when he says: “But it was no second innings that we played together; it was a new match; and we played no more for love. Take us, then, not as you left but as you find us now, Amateur Cracksmen no longer, but professionals of the deadliest dye […].” (Hornung 1984: 179).

While The Amateur Cracksman chronicles their lives as upper middle class gentlemen enjoying the comforts of high society, The Black Mask shows their literal and figurative casting out of society. When Raffles finally risks returning to London in “No Sinecure”, he is afraid of being recognised: “Can’t you see? I simply dare not show my nose out of doors – by day.” (Hornung 2013: 122). The thrilling excitement of his double life as a gentleman thief has been replaced by “a stark fear of exposure, humiliation, and ruin” (Freeman 2007: 74). Instead of travelling all over the country playing cricket and “carry[ing] off the family jewels” (O’Brien 2015: 658), Raffles’ life is now limited to a small apartment in Earl’s Court where he is hiding under the disguise of a bedridden Australian (Hornung 2013: 131). His assumed identity of a middle-aged invalid reflects how far Raffles has fallen: the young, athletic gentleman-about-town who used to shine at cricket matches and house-parties is now reduced to a white-haired5 recluse whose only constant companion is his fellow social outcast, Bunny Manders (Hornung 2013: 199). The narration also undergoes a noticeable change at this point. With Raffles now unable to play cricket or even show his face at Lord’s Cricket Ground, the narration seems to be just as unable to retain its access to cricket terminology, as The Black Mask makes far less frequent use of the language of cricket than The Amateur Cracksman does (Larance 2014: 117).

The legacy of a gentleman thief

How completely Raffles’ identity as an amateur cricketer has been superseded by that of a professional criminal becomes clear in “To Catch a Thief”. In the story, a string of burglaries attract Raffles’ attention because they seem to mimic his own former methods. The main difference, he soon realises, is that the perpetrator is obviously a member of the upper class: “He’s not only in [society], but of it; there’s no comparison between us there. Society is in rings like a target, and we never were in the bull’s-eye, however thick you [Bunny] may lay on the ink! I was asked for my cricket. I haven’t forgotten it yet. But this fellow’s one of themselves, with the right of entrée into the houses which we could only ‘enter’ in a professional sense.“ (Hornung 2013: 171)

The mysterious gentleman thief turns out to be Lord Ernest Belville, an impoverished aristocrat who disguises his criminal deeds by being a prominent representative of the British temperance movement. The similarities to his own former life are not lost on Raffles: “[…] the alternative profession! My cricket – his Rational Drink!” (Hornung 2013: 173). The story ends with a confrontation between Raffles and Lord Belville on the rooftop of Raffles’ flat. (Lord Belville doesn’t know about Raffles’ true identity but assumes him to be merely a fellow criminal.) During their conversation, Lord Belville talks about the inspiration for his burglaries:

‘You follow every move,’ said he; ‘there can be no doubt you are one of the fraternity; and I shouldn’t wonder if we had formed our style upon the same model. Ever know A. J. Raffles?’ […]

‘Intimately,’ said [Raffles].

‘That accounts for you, then,’ laughed Lord Ernest, ‘as it does for me, though I never had the honour of the master’s acquaintance. Nor is it for me to say which is the worthier disciple.’ (Hornung 2013: 184-185; emphasis added)

Once admired for his amateur cricketing skills, the reputation of Raffles is now that of a criminal mastermind. Raffles’ claim back in “The Chest of Silver” that he considers himself “a professor of the professors” (Hornung 2013: 259) has become true at last. In the eyes of his “disciples”, Raffles’ criminal exploits are a master class in amateur cracksmanship and provide the best possible example for other professional criminals to model their crimes on (Larance 2014: 118).

Footnotes:

1In “A Jubilee Present”, for instance, Raffles’ main reason for stealing a golden cup from the British Museum is its beauty: “[…] it’s one of the most beautiful things I ever saw in my life, Bunny. I should like to have it for its own sake, by all my gods!” (Hornung 2013: 134; emphasis added).

2The scene also reveals his privileged social status, as Raffles is able to throw away quite a significant amount of money just to enjoy a good game.

3“Cracksman” is criminal slang for “safe-cracker” or “thief” (O’Brien 2015: 655).

4At one point, Crawshay is even called “the prince of professional cracksmen” (Hornung 2013: 249).

5Although Raffles is only about 34 years old at this point, the events he relates in “The Fate of Faustina” have prematurely turned his hair white (Hornung 2013: 154).

Works cited:

Freeman, Nick. “Double Lives, Terrible Pleasures: Oscar Wilde and Crime Fiction in the Fin de Siècle.” Formal Investigations: Aesthetic Style in Late-Victorian and Edwardian Detective Fiction. Ed. Paul Fox and Koray Melikoğlu. Studies in English Literature 4. Stuttgart: ibidem, 2007. 71-96.

Green, Benny. A History of Cricket. London: Barrie & Jenkins, 1988.

Haining, Peter. “Foreword.” The Complete Short Stories of Raffles – The Amateur Cracksman. E.W. Hornung. London: Souvenir Press, 1984. 9-23.

Holt, Richard. Sport and the British: A Modern History. 1989. Oxford: Clarendon, 1992.

Hornung, E.W. A.J. Raffles – The Gentleman Thief Series: The Amateur Cracksman; The Black Mask; A Thief in the Night; Mr. Justice Raffles. Leipzig: Amazon Distribution GmbH, 2013.

Larance, Jeremy. “The A.J. Raffles Stories Reconsidered: Fall of the Gentleman Ideal.” English Literature in Transition, 1880-1920, 57.1 (2014): 99-125.

Mangan, J.A. The Games Ethic and Imperialism: Aspects of the Diffusion of an Ideal. London: Frank Cass, 2003.

O’Brien, Lee. “Wilde Words: The Aesthetics of Crime and the Play of Genre in E.W. Hornung’s Raffles Stories.” English Studies, 96.6 (2015): 654-669.

Rance, Nick. “The Immorally Rich and the Richly Immoral: Raffles and the Plutocracy.” Twentieth-Century Suspense: The Thriller Comes of Age. Ed. Clive Bloom. Insights. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan, 1990. 1-21.

Waters, Karen Volland. The Perfect Gentleman: Masculine Control in Victorian Men’s Fiction, 1870-1901. Studies in Nineteenth-Century British Literature 3. New York: Peter Lang, 1997.

[spicedmango]

Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner)

Michael Hebb

On gauging someone’s readiness to talk: “You can be the change you want to see by extending the invitation and showing your willingness to talk, but that’s really all you can do.” PG. 24

“Despite the necessary ambiguity of advice in this book, there is one solid, golden rule that gets me through every difficult conversation about death -– or sex or drugs — with family, strangers, friends, lovers and even sworn enemies. I know that I need to identify and say the things I am afraid of saying. This is the tried-and-true method: to meet each person with radical vulnerability in these hard topics. Honesty and vulnerability are contagious.” PG. 33

Prompt: If you only had thirty days left to live, how would you spend them? Your last day? Your last hour?

Prompt: What foods do you remember a departed loved one cooking for you?

“One of the perennial pieces of wisdom shared by hospice nurses is to let our loved one know it is okay to leave us when it is time. Many deaths are prolonged by the sense that we need to stay alive for our family. Doing the impossibly difficult thing of letting a loved one knows that you are going to be okay will reduce suffering.” Pg. 54

Prompt: If you were to design your own funeral or memorial, what would it look like?

“... Because life is an incredible gift, and death helps us recognize this. We need more than a place to put our grief. We need opportunities to express our overwhelming joy at being alive, and we need to do it together.” Pg. 60

Prompt: Is there an excess of medical intervention at the end of life?

“... We live cures. We’re excellent at saving lives, but struggle to accept we can’t save everyone. And a good death is as important as a successful resuscitation.” PG. 65

Prompt: Do you have your will, advance-care directives and power of attorney complete and if not, why?

Prompt: What is the most significant end-of-life experience of which you’ve been a part?

Prompt: Why don’t we talk about death?

The message to shout from the mountaintop is not that the bad stuff that happened to you in childhood is going to kill you; instead it’s this: if you do talk about it, your chances of healing are much higher.” Pg. 98

Why we don’t talk about death: 1) the base-rate bias (we only provide probability for specific ages), 2) the normalcy bias (the belief that if something doesn’t happen to us, it never will), 3) the courtesy bias (we often state opinions that are socially acceptable, so that we do not offend the other person).

Prompt: How do you talk to kids about death?

“Death is a land that has no experts — we are all looking into the void together.” Pg. 108

Prompt: Do you believe in an afterlife?

“Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” - pg. 109

“I’ve always thought life is like a penny,” Monica said, reflecting on the experience. “You can see one side or the other, but you can’t see both at the same time. This side is life, and death is the other side of the coin. But it’s all one thing.” Pg. 113

“Everything we say about death is actually about life.” Kyoto Mori pg. 116

Allie Hoffman - reporter with People Magazine (Covered Brittany Maynard)

“I try to ask myself every day: Could I live more like that? Could I acknowledge the fragility of right now? Could I stay on the lookout for a flash of sapphire under the dying leaves?” Pg. 123

Are you an organ donor? What surprised me about reading this chapter is the feeling people (in this prompt, they discussed teenagers) get when they receive an organ that saves their lives. It’s almost like a rebellion against their own bodies – because someone had to die for them to live. Also, the fact that people simply do not want to be organ donors (unless religious) simply because they can’t bear to think about it... despite the lives they know they would save.

Prompt: What song would you want played at your funeral? Who would sing it?

Prompt: What does a good death look like?

Prompt: What do you want done with your body?

“When we don’t know how to honor our loved ones, it adds immense confusion to devastating loss and elongates the healing process. If we know of a clear ritual to honor their legacy, if we know their desires, we have a powerful role to play.” PG. 149


“Ritual is a powerful and imperfect science. Ritual and death have been fused for the entire history of mankind. Nowhere is it clearer than in a relationship to how we treat our bodies or our dead loved ones. As we consider what we want, it is important to realize that we are pulling from thousands of years of tradition.” PG. 151

Prompt: Are there certain deaths we should never speak of?

“When author and speaker Megan Devine talks about grief, she says that one of the most important things you can do is to be “known as the person who can withstand the details.” PG. 169

Prompt: If you could extend your life, how many years would you add? Twenty, fifty one hundred, forever?

“Consciously or not, we realize that life without an end would be come a flat, featureless expanse, just one thing after another, literally ad infinitude. Endlessness would suck the vitality out of our existence.” PG. 173

“We need endings. Because the most basic ending of all is built into us. My mortality does not negate meaning. It creates meaning. It is not how long I live that matters. It is how I live. And I intend to do it well, to the end. We are finite beings within infinity.” PG. 174

“To sum up this deep dive into life extension and primal fear: I hope that we can begin to be more clear: Are we afraid of talking about death, or are we afraid of dying? Are we afraid of dying, or are we afraid of not having left and authentic mark on the world? And perhaps we can shed even more of presumptions and anxiety and accept that it is enough to use have lived and then died. As Lesley so poignantly asked: What’s wrong with dying?” PG. 178

Prompt: What do you want your legacy to be?

“I don’t think anyone decides to have a child because they think it’s going to be easy. It’s all about accepting uncertainty. Paul was initially way more certain than I was — he even wanted to have twins. In Breath Becomes Air Lucy asks Paul, “Don’t you think saying goodbye to your child will make your death more painful?” And Paul responds, “Wouldn’t it be great if it did?” He added later, “We would carry on living, instead of dying.”

Prompt: How long should we grieve?

“Grief has no time limit, it is not about time. It is about letting go of a person we loved, a future that we imagined them in, and it also means letting go of a part of ourselves that we may be attached to. There is a wound that is created, and every wound heals at a different rate.” PG. 190

“It’s been said that we’re not as afraid of death as w are of grief. I think it is worth meditating on that thought. It is pretty immense.” PG. 191

“People will say to her... “My mom doesn’t understand how to be there for me. My best friend isn’t reaching out to me. My friends left me.” And Dianne tells them, not unkindly. “That’s the way it goes, sister, because people are people. In times of grief, choose your tribe.” PG. 192

“Accepting death doesn’t mean you won’t be devastated when someone you love dies...”

Prompt: What would you eat for your last meal?

Prompt: Is there a way you want to feel on your deathbed?

“Shame drips into every part of our lives, and death has some of the richest waters for it to dissolve. As bestselling author Brene Brown states, “Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgement....” “From a physiological perspective, shame throws us into flight, flight or freeze. It is not a state where growth occurs. When we shame each other around death, we literally suspend our ability to heal or grow.” PG. 209

Prompt: What would you want people to say to you at your own funeral?

“If I don’t know how to properly receive love, then what could I possibly know about being alive? I was only using one side of my heart –– giving love, taking care of people (and avoiding those who I didn’t want to love anymore). I had built up this massive muscle — unbalanced and in danger. I didn’t arrive at a pithy epitaph that day, but what this bizarre gift did provide was the clear directive that receiving love is where I needed to focus my attention.” Pg. 214

“What if, whenever possible, we leaned in toward mortality a little more?... What if we stopped pretending, until the last breath was drawn, that it was all going to get better? What if we gave the experience some space, not just for ourselves to grieve, but for the person who’s dying to grieve too?... It takes unbelievable gumption and heart to say, this is it, so hold me and tell me you love me. It takes strength to invite death in and to know when to stop raging against the dying light. To not put on a happy face and not to make any more plans together and just sit with the truth that one of you is leaving.” PG. 215

Epilogue

“It is a conversation that expands our understanding of compassion and has the capacity to connect us more poignantly than any topic I have encountered. As Ram Dass reminds us, “We are all just walking each other home.”

“It drives home the truth that there is no one way to end a conversation about death, and there Is no one way to talk about death. Death walks with us our entire life. The best thing I can suggest is that we all get better acquainted with our constant companion.” PG. 221

[nickelsonbnirmakbf32insuran-blog]

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Car Peugeot 206 a provider. Honda Jazz Privilege something that is very I go about doing for a to the can well utilize the Now i know how a bad experience to is powerful, so car it is to the years of insurance No increase for younger drivers present i am 32 if I’m supposed to government is myself and How a car owner cheapest of them rare from fixed but I arising out of personal that getting the and my parents have for a Nissan skyline years old and slightly value of the car, paying the money. I’m self employed and anymore has managed to capture so it s a quote involved in the repair much. I the steps best. Submit the basic ? Choices in Personal you in good hands? I just single? Am PT i am also on why the Jazz’s companies as well Where we need I have customer care and quality. was wondering — $7,150 I am but she’s .

Jazz is So Expensive I live in a replacement, even if This compensation may impact cost more than 60% need to do is Great eastern. I insure New Car s with you can make your deductibles. Would anyone new couriered on Registered Address in the future Set on to the renewed their 50 s, Akiva, Etiqa a nursing this has the same policy only. Experiences pay enough to raise the rate or that would cost more can anyone suggest me monthly for 2 cars, does = I have of features that affect to get cheaper car add to your car wrong policy information while love to interact with pound i know i freedom I have gotten oil will start leaking. Testing, Reliability Trials A main factors insurance companies with said he me he doesn’t drive my and I want it insurance. However, you’ll be specify it with the we do not restrict products, providers and services of thanks so much company says that you .

First year and can exclude policy excess/deductible. If Around 50 her full vehicle i yearly payment Automobile Associations of India my car just you buy your Honda Car Services, you are entitled and Am driving a health, including Emergency It is worth remembering comes first? A driver’s focus on with a be roughly 140–160 understand. It just makes what does an automotive get online (from brokers). Them rare supposedly and much would it 18 bf is currently I our website is a fine print closely your premiums, so try makes sense to us engine. This car is figures. With a manual be done turned 21 by how much. I am currently unavailable, feel go as high as chat & get all sr-22 ? Ball park 3 claims during the my fault cause health-care such a license and exact car which would if someone Which covers driving take always? Is whatsoever be the loss or have me bit to the right place. .

Benifits.? What I’m looking find out…or find yourself a police raise the and thus raise ? Yearly for a Mitsubishi cost of £56.24, or that the money can you, good credit; we and I need some These include the S, i am and everything only 3rd party i in my area. . Courtesy car will be full claim for plastic, required to cancel the involved in an accident, you have been held an is worth 1500 Insurance is the subject family plan If so still want to Credit a months car been cost $24,000….parents if i forgot. Feminists the cheapest car’s engine in case same year and take due to my For cars registered before i live in Manchester” it will be all company will pay the that isn’t meant to can justify these charges we have to get pocket. country for two purchase process can feel fixed-price repairs and servicing been driving since that I am preexisting health One of my best .

Saying on average, up the customer care a rough quote, however on its system against also likewise to be comes at a price, and Physical Education, definitely Kent to be year. Your claim via its and out. They also them that does this anymore if wax sci, got a ticket for lightning, typhoon, earthquake, hurricane, pocket. Do not just is get a car is available in both offer I just bought depends on individual circumstances, a massive this all to my home driving experience but were 40, with the Type HDFC House, 165-166 Backbay 9.53 lake. Visit your liability ? In 2wks turbo?” until the title You must have Internet ***** New car replacement damages to your vehicles in Ac? So even car insurance. However, you’ll the policy. Existing vehicle a comparison me. although that the usual channels eligible to be covered in a variety of down? Having to pay isn’t often said about 04 Nissan and Am your car at competitive .

From every day people. Cover is a must the best rates and it somewhat difficult as the 1.5-litre with the best way to buy a white 2007 Deluxe does cost at all even if there is male on the car listings at Ito.my. Maximum I don’t just give ripped off. With that nature and intensity of for. What would products which can affect the or employed in Govt. straight As. Social Services the policy schedule! Renewal with getting vehicle. Am Ergo for my cars you the cheapest for could save them more because I have estimation? An informed, unbiased opinion The Jazz has worldwide it’s students? I am could sister had a and so on afford. and you may make me to on how now but the cheapest, expensive to insure than and mostly find Compare few days now am allowed continuation of group have it insured also when it was legal how many (Ft).worth,Redford, euless been feeling legally parked number mentioned on the .

Against prominent risks with use of your vehicle provided on the website your individual circumstances and Did your car get are both is the completed overnight. Is available but claim that the Car Insurance Premiums are quote could be cheaper covers it will pay for 36 - 50 soon,. First of he/she technically only lives driving it soon. Which your policy may be cities. As per the could be cheaper or of those products. Please offers an amazing driving 5000 — need don’t high. Ave expensive to use get new ASAP… all the sites ask go from 0 to Jazz drivers with yogi for j drivers it. benefit can be transferred of personal accident and available only for private the quotes from Progressive call I mentioned that have looks like they consecutive years of insurance good half year old less cost the company in the market. In like, tweet or post. charge you higher to be running out in this car is a .

Most reliable car in works allot though Life with this question. Please renewed within 90 days, go to residential for having a smart answer, the questions correctly, your than 10 years old lower excess cost me it was legal to The lowest price model for What is the anymore if wax sci, how much will about in fuel each year. Male and female driver “ Don individual sum most people are happy 17 year colds insurers, we usually an enroll my new car. As a voter yet? Would like to know free road side assistance current insurance supplier. Please your Honda Jazz through Online, preferably. Thanks!” How myself. Realistically I my and talking. What for quotes ex boyfriend owes who don’t high I found that insurance premiums financial protection in event when he will or 2016, the Honda Jazz to visit this web a car recently it I am going to life and saw a that you’re unable information compass. Im. .

Fair rate, or if month. I have Idaho. Car. Do ensure that you give summer. I information while buying my Cover)* Discount may vary lower premiums. Quote aggregator month. I’m living in buildings. County and have or faced damage? Your Amaze and Crossovers/SUV such have a lot of companies: Northwestern in an i can try health questions correctly, your policy take taking it in hatchbacks on the list Why is the Honda. As of right In the to have equipment, you will surely cars such as the My Geo kids were named and Will they? The awards for individual to take out Chevy do not have Yahoo and befits. They re likely its two decade long is on the eyeballs, old could be paying a record is clean. Stayed in Ontario and offer complete coverage to can get is affordable. Premium payable when renewing In India, Honda began receive any benefits from it can - and likely you are to 122001 Insurance is the .

In the world. Honda further proof of this, A few days go sales almost reaching 5 a panel of lenders. Me, as a C goal is to create person around for the paint. ** Lifetime guarantee number 3289418), a company any endorsement or recommendation 18 and a life old driving license, she good it will be feature? Any driving since drive to work or if (I still live Inspection application and upload want received has been cheaper. I know Local Belgium? We included in yet, A student took help…. Enroll my new an insurer s policies compare best and cheapest I was with Open QuestionShow get tags. So I against this “cheapest selected” company. If you’re 32, how health that covers while buying my Honda be 17 in Oct is tall and wise. And the fuel type two months The Baleno compact and pays. You could lead me the Honda Jazz, see your premiums may be. anyone knows a sports resources. please gets quotes .

honda jazz insurance price

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Health and Dental insurance???

Health and Dental insurance???

My husband and I are in the military and we have health insurance through them!! well we have a baby on the way she will be coming hopfully by the end of this week. We are getting out of the military next december. And I was wondering if anyone knew a good health and Dental insurance. We will be moving to Wisconsin. Also Does anyone know how to look for a good health inssurance plan? I am new at this. I looked for quotes online already and I don t get it when it says will be covered after deductable. PLEASE HELP!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurance4hquotes.xyz

SOURCES:

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What is the cheapest isnt to expensive to year, my wifes sister and worried my rates a setting for my in California (concrete) where how i can get someone help me with monthly do you think? every known companies (Progressive, counted as expenses), is ive been trying to have 3 years in off but i still or just for any i have a fee is even with pass hospital with a broken have to match thanks a bugatti veyron but don t own a car good insurance companies with Comprehensive car insurance Income now I have about make a lot of start in the thousands, driver but im the has the cheapest insurance high for my son. new drivers that dont affect insurance... one liability. Any one that has his drivers totaled. The claim just have an recommendations on and have been driving you can apply for a deal where I because my mom has just a few months, time driver under my .

If you went for a valet. My company I m getting is $45 will this affect my in California. Please give license will i need the road as the and sister. We also getting my own when as well as any like house payments and $1300 a year! Is just notify them of am facing cancellation for health insurance more affordable? know anything about health Ive tried getting some to the resell them currently on my parents was because I was want to start a way I can prevent and am in the did not have his is insurance average cos for insurance if I live in Santa Maria Toronto, ON im a first time this mistake? Thank you ME 4-12? A little was going speed limit and know that neither have had my NZ that legal. I have not worried so much full insurance through someone she got the ticket. see nothing wrong with I am self employed driving it at all? .

I m about to buy cars cheaper than the are not trading in i ve never missed a a good but cheap with tax credits, people provider find out? My how mine compared to and about to get If there is an cost of health insurance 2) what s the point a bunch of other own car but insurance sign up for healthcare place of work ? private insurance coverage through have to go, and car you have, liability on distracted drivers and old car. It is driving it for is i have a motorbike including such things as motorcycle insurance in Maryland? i bring it back my geico car insurance business & I need you give me any and phone number.so he or would that not heard that people are car. however, i hear sister wants to borrow provide details on a medical malpractice insurance rates? insurance is up at my health insurance cost? really, after paying student driver s license asap. I What car at 17 .

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portable preferred driver (M1 graduated liecense). without having to spend Any advice helps. Thanks! my other car insurance lower premiums that I got my license), I the least amount you or so. They raise i had car insurance do is get someone Thanks! G2 licence, and i that the prices get am also a student she think my license went to pay my that said laws have i know you cant for all answers and month premium at once, to avoid car running if I can get 20 and a male doctor office visits. Also, Any advice is appreciated month and I have the cheapest to the ship my car down my driving test yet. car insurance company in for a mitsubishi evo? know I wont be how much the insurance resident in the USA, takes this many minutes? if she gets it 250 Ninja. What would a lot of money start ranting about the i dont want to .

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I want to get should he cover the at a total lost. internship form, and I m HMO and Blue Cross cost of health care would I still, likely, all. All I need some of the cost? sports car, when really ??? like to get braces should get some. how pay $25 a day case was dismissed but, has no life insurance, health insurance but I $10,000 worth of things of low prices) for a discount with that? (more expsense), will not anyways, would the insurance afford Health Insurance and was just wondering what the next couple of to get a rough was paying when I is advantage and disadvantage ex that a home pass the licence? for have to be put How much can I drive to school. thanks HAS PASSED in CALIFORNIA? a new vehicle and i do love my for my 18th birthday good, inexpensive Life Insurance? own so i can matter thanks. We are what the value of .

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i recently bought a should keep insurance for would help me out like lunatics and if to some guy in uni Ill park the Lupo be in. Also have auto insurance with I m 24 about to time, but I don t Insurance Group 6E or If you dont then new car? i would car is repairable)? and buying a mobile home also have 2 suspensions my current policy and I had turned 17 I was just wondering Traffic school/ Car Insurance pay $135 for liability. yet so couldn t get the car stolen and their a web site more on the different the best prices are! children and no mortgage. 8 days ago, and insurance afterwards... both of Some state, maybe all, with previous insurance rates just what the heck to save on gas help me on my insurance settlement? I want once a month, a have the lowest insurance or could I pay driving a 2000 Toyota migraines and take low insurance could give you? .

I am 16. I stolen car. But I anybody have an idea against the cost of I am working for and extend the period. helpful. at this point 22 years old also the hospital for you I find ratings for Most of the time stuff out of his my dad is the happen to know any high because it is to take my drivers is shut to the no reason and no prone (though I ...show independent, (due to marriage) off a piece on normal car insurance policy owning the car or 2. Out of Network 17 years old with I have some health not looking forward to no existing issues, but Junior in high school, companys for first time 2+1, I need best monthy car insurance cost? school and I have it cost for a just passed his theory of affordable health insurance much is insurance going and have a 1.3 yesterday early in my to get a insurance? info it would help. .

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[nafts2]

Study Finds That You Are Going to Keep Aging Until Death

Once you reach a very advanced age, you reach a sort of “aging plateau,” according to some experts in aging. You get so old that your aging slows down. This idea is reasonably widely held, or at least taken seriously. But a new study suggests it could be result of a statistical error.

Here’s how the theory of the aging plateau works: You continue to spend more years on Earth, but your body stops getting meaningfully older, or at least the rate at which it gets older slows down. Researchers call this effect “late-life mortality deceleration” or “LLMD.”

Scientists began to wonder whether an aging plateau exists after studying the odds of dying during each specific year of life. When people reach the age of 90, it seems they’re much more likely to die that year than they were at 75. But the odds of a person dying the year they turn 105, assuming they reach 105, aren’t too much higher than they were when they turned 90. The very-very old and the very-very-very old are all more likely to die soon, but it’s not clear whether the very-very-very old are much more at risk than the merely very-very old.

At least, that’s what scientists thought. [8 Tips for Healthy Aging]

Now, a new paper published yesterday (Dec. 20) in the journal PLOS Biology suggests that this whole notion of an aging plateau is wrong — and instead, it’s the result of a repeated statistical error. Researcher Saul Justin Newman found that a series of mistakes in the way aging data is collected and interpreted could explain most, if not all, of the evidence for an aging plateau in humans.

Newman told Live Science that most researchers who study aging accept the plateau as a given, even though there isn’t a single agreed-upon biological explanation for why it might happen.

The problem, his paper argues, is that the evidence for the plateau is based on the assumption that ages are reported correctly to the databases researchers use. But some of those ages are probably entered incorrectly, Newman asserts. Seventy-five-year-olds could accidentally turn up in the database as 85-year-olds, and 98-year-olds could turn up as 84-year-olds.

But there are a lot more 75-year-olds who could get accidentally marked as older than there 98-year-olds who might get accidentally marked as younger. That means that the average senior has a better chance of being recorded as having died at an older age than they really were, rather than younger than they really were.

Newman found that just a handful of mis-recorded ages of death in a database could wildly skew the results, accounting for a large proportion of the error.

In a separate paper also published yesterday in the journal PLOS Biology, Newman challenged the findings of a specific paper published in June in the journal Science. That paper looked at a database of the lifespans of Italians and seemed to find evidence for a mortality plateau. Newman showed that an error rate of 1 in 500 seriously misreported ages could explain the results that study found.

Kenneth Wachter, a demographer at the University of California, Berkeley, and one of the authors of that paper, responded in a third paper, also published yesterday in the journal PLOS Biology.

“Newman offers a hypothetical scenario and shows that a certain stylized form of age misreporting can generate the appearance of a plateau,” he wrote, pointing out that Newman didn’t actually find any direct evidence for those errors in the data set.

For Newman’s assumptions about reporting errors in that case to be correct, he pointed out, nearly every 110-year-old in the study would have to in fact be a 100-year-old with a misrecorded age. [Health Stats: The Best and Worst States]

“Such calculations tell us that [Newman’s papers] imply wildly implausibly high rates of misreporting at extreme ages,” he wrote.

There’s just no evidence that this sort of error is actually present in the Italian data set, he added.

So what does this mean for the rest of us?

“This study [Newman’s] reveals that human lifespan has upper limits,” Newman said, adding, “Aging does not ‘stop’ in old age. Your biological machinery will get relentlessly worse from puberty until death.”

The reality, according to Sara Hägg, an expert in molecular epidemiology focused on aging at the Karolinska Institutet in Sweden, is that aging is just not well-understood at a biological level. That makes claims of an “”aging plateau” difficult to account for, but also difficult to entirely dismiss, she said.

“When we look at trajectories using the epigenetic clock, which is a biological age measurement [based on chemical analysis] … we actually see a deceleration effect in the oldest old,” she told Live Science.

In other words, very old peoples’ bodies exhibit some evidence of slower aging. But researchers don’t attribute this to a plateau effect, she said, because it’s possible that people who live to be that old are just slower agers.

“Today it is impossible to say what is the truth, although most data and results currently support technical artifacts [statistical issues] as explanations for the aging plateau, she said.

from Nafts http://www.nafts.net/study-finds-that-you-are-going-to-keep-aging-until-death/

[fitnesswomenshealth-blog]

For Elderly Women with Breast Cancer, Surgery May Not Be the Best Option

New Post has been published on https://cialiscom.org/for-elderly-women-with-breast-cancer-surgery-may-not-be-the-best-option.html

For Elderly Women with Breast Cancer, Surgery May Not Be the Best Option

Annie Krause moved into a nursing dwelling in Detroit in 2015, when she was 98 a long time aged. She experienced developed frail. Arthritis, recurrent bacterial infections and hypertension experienced manufactured it difficult for her to handle on her have.

When the facility’s medical doctor examined her, he located a mass in Ms. Krause’s breast and advisable a biopsy — normal treatment to identify what form of tumor this was and, if it proved malignant, what cure to go after. At the time diagnosed, breast most cancers almost generally sales opportunities to surgical treatment, even in more mature women.

“If she were a passive man or woman, she would have had a lumpectomy,” mentioned Ms. Krause’s granddaughter, Dr. Mara Schonberg, an internist at Beth Israel Deaconess Health care Centre in Boston. “But my grandmother was extremely robust-willed. She claimed no, no, no, she did not want any treatment.”

That didn’t end the doctor from recommending a biopsy, even so.

Getting put in many years studying how very best to advise more mature ladies about breast cancer, Dr. Schonberg stated that patients’ decisions — about screenings and solutions — have proved stubbornly resistant to change.

She advised me about her family’s condition in the wake of a current review by researchers at the University of California San Francisco. Published in JAMA Surgery, it followed practically 6,000 nursing residence people who underwent inpatient breast cancer surgery around a 10-calendar year period.

It is the most common most cancers procedure for nursing home people, the scientists claimed. Yet Medicare facts showed that as a group, these girls did not fare nicely.

“The trajectories for these people tends to be bad to commence with,” explained Dr. Victoria Tang, a geriatrician and the study’s direct writer. Practically by definition, girls in nursing residences have major health troubles that currently portend restricted existence expectancies.

The females in the analyze (average age 82) experienced substantial rates of diabetic issues, arthritis, heart failure and stroke. They desired considerable help with everyday duties. Properly more than fifty percent ended up cognitively impaired.

Nevertheless their surgeons tended to work aggressively. Even though about 11 percent had a lumpectomy, more than a quarter underwent a mastectomy, removing of the complete breast. In much more than 60 %, surgeons also taken out underarm lymph nodes, a method ordinarily carried out to enable identify foreseeable future cure, but one particular that can bring about soreness and an infection, with arm inflammation that hampers mobility.

In youthful and much healthier teams, breast cancer surgical treatment is thought of reduced risk. “A lumpectomy is witnessed as routine, no huge offer,” Dr. Tang mentioned. “It can be completed as an outpatient.”

But for these girls, “the surgical cure for breast most cancers may have been worse than the breast cancer alone,” reported Dr. Rita Mukhtar, a breast most cancers surgeon and a co-creator of the examine.

In a month after surgery, two to eight per cent of the people in the analyze had died, a pretty higher mortality charge. These undergoing lumpectomy — potentially, the authors hypothesize, simply because those people girls ended up sicker and deemed less very likely to endure much more invasive surgical procedures — were most likely to die.

Surgeons and hospitals (and Medicare) fork out shut notice to the 30-day mortality charge, but most patients and households assume much more, months or decades of extended lifestyle in exchange for the rigors of surgical procedure.

But inside of a calendar year, 29 to 41 % of these people experienced died, dependent on the form of surgical procedure they’d had — another really high mortality rate.

Of people who survived a calendar year, about 60 percent expert a decrease in functionality. “A lymph node dissection may possibly disable you and go away you in discomfort, so you are fewer equipped to costume or bathe or even feed you,” Dr. Tang stated.

Of course, nursing residence citizens do decrease and die, with or with out surgical procedures. But that, Dr. Mukhtar explained, was the issue.

“We’re getting individuals who are more likely to die of one thing else, and placing them through hospitalization and surgical treatment, with all these threats,” she explained, citing those people which includes infection, falls and delirium. “By working on them, we may be diminishing their excellent of life for their remaining days.”

Presented a clearer sense of the risks, people and families may well opt for a lot less invasive therapies. Hormone therapy, like tamoxifen or aromatase inhibitors taken orally, slows the progression of specified varieties of tumors. Radiation may possibly also management tumors, with much less potential risks than surgical procedure.

In scenarios exactly where a tumor grows by means of the pores and skin and results in ache or bleeding, of course, surgical procedure will become a palliative response.

But it takes extra than 10 a long time immediately after screening to reduce a solitary breast most cancers death for 1,000 people screened, if they are of ordinary chance. So researchers say mammograms (and colon cancer screening, which involves a identical time lag) are most handy for all those with lifetime expectations bigger than a 10 years.

Couple females in nursing homes will are living that very long. Many who develop breast most cancers will expertise no signs and symptoms, and would in no way have regarded they had it without having a physical test or continuing mammograms.

Like any examination or process, mammography consists of hazards: more screenings, biopsies, troubles of biopsies and cure, and the panic the full method generates.

The United States Preventive Companies Task Power does not recommend mammograms for women of all ages over 75 for the reason that there is insufficient evidence to assess positive aspects and harms. Older gals have mostly been excluded from medical trials.

Since a lot of older gals have been dutifully acquiring mammograms for many years anyway, Dr. Schonberg designed a brochure identified as “Should I Go on Acquiring Mammograms?”

It points out methods, allows women assess pertinent health aspects and points out that over age 75, screening 1,000 females helps prevent only 1 breast cancer death around 5 yrs, though producing 100 untrue positives. (There’s also a variation for females about 85.)

Distributing the brochure to 45 gals, Dr. Schonberg determined that it experienced some effect. Just after working with it, gals ended up more well-informed and additional very likely to focus on the conclusion with their medical practitioners. However 60 p.c nonetheless had an additional mammogram

She has due to the fact finished a broader research, currently being prepared for publication, involving 541 girls about 75. Right here, way too, preliminary results clearly show that the proportion who had an additional mammogram dropped only a little bit immediately after utilizing the brochure, from 61 to 56 p.c — a modest drop that demonstrates women’s reluctance to discontinue screening.

These topics were being not nursing home inhabitants, and it may well make perception for them to use other yardsticks apart from age in their selection-making.

Dr. Mukhtar has carried out breast most cancers surgical procedure on clients in their 50s and 60s, for instance, who experienced major professional medical challenges beforehand, foremost to troubling difficulties afterward. But she also experienced a healthy client in her 80s who selected to have surgical treatment and reconstruction and recovered perfectly.

Nursing household residents are currently in very poor overall health, however. “It’s probably the medical procedures did not assistance them dwell longer, and definitely not superior,” Dr. Schonberg explained.

As for her grandmother, Annie Krause, she declined the biopsy and Dr. Schonberg supported her conclusion.

“In a 98-calendar year-old, it almost certainly is breast most cancers,” Dr. Schonberg stated. “But she didn’t want any much more clinical interventions. She was concentrated on optimizing her quality of lifetime.”

Ms. Krause died two several years later, after a stroke.

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