Cahaya and Arum are the oldest dragons in my lair. They're in fact older than my lair. My own progen hitting 9 reminded me that they hit a decade:
Back in April 2015, when I'd just joined and was wanting to dip my toes into the coliseum, I wandered into the Lending Library thread to borrow a pair of level 25s to help me level up my own team.
A user called Ruinia (#234) happily let me take on Cahaya and Arum. After about a couple weeks I was ready to return them, but Ruinia didn't return until August when she was retiring from FR and looking to send off her dragons to adoptees, etc. She replied to my PM to keep them. They've been officially part of my clan ever since, and she doesn't appear to have logged in again after that week.
Ruinia's clan profile has comments up until 2019, some from 2015-2018 wishing her well wherever she is. 2018 was 7 years ago.
It's a bit daunting to think that they were with Ruinia's clan (led by her 1st gen imperial Solastiir) for about a year and a half, and have been with my clan for the nine years since.
They each have a piece of cute art that predates April 2015, and one of the artists (GwenniethePooh #377) appears to still be active on FR! It's just. It's been a long-ass time.
They're still major fixtures of my coli team, along with the team I levelled with them.
🫡
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Fuck guilt "activism" -- it makes you feel guilty for spending a penny on anything that isn't going towards a specific cause. Food? Guilt. It could go to children. Decent toilet paper? Guilt. Pizza? Guilt. Pet necessities? Guilt. Saving up for a necessary surgery? Guilt.
Making people feel guilty about shit does not an activist make. You can do great shit for important causes while also not making people feel guilty for existing.
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How do you best like to be loved?
touch me with tender truth
you crave being known and held. you just want the warmth and pressure of another body against your own. sometimes, late at night when you're alone in your bed, your skin aches with the lack of touch. you've tried touching yourself, and it isn't the same. one time someone gripped your shoulder and squeezed it in passing, and you thought about it for weeks after - the ghost pressure of their hand lingering. don't you deserve it? consistent physical love and caring? i think so, i think you do. but i also have to ask - do you fear it even as you want? after all, if you get it then it might also be taken away. i hope that if you fear it, you push through past that fear. that you ask for the touch you desire and deserve. i hope that you get touched with love and kindness, wrapped up in warm arms and rocked from side to side until the tension and pain falls away layer by layer and only you are left.
tagged by : @respondedinkind ! ( thank you bb ! )
tagging : YOU reading this !
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my phone has this funny little bug where sometimes it just wont send me text notifications until like 5-15 minutes later. which in itself is already annoying but it has a knack of consistently doing it every single time for “do you want food? answer now or we’re not getting anything” texts and every time i want to throw it at a wall
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Okay, obviously I have some body image issues. This is very clear to pretty much everyone who knows me. I have had them since I hit about 10 years old I think? That gives me 15 years of disliking the way I look, for one reason or another. I have tried a lot of things throughout that time to change my perception of myself. And currently, I feel like I am stuck in a weird place that I can't figure out how to escape.
I understand that there are studies now showing that dieting and working out don't actually work long term for most people. I know that getting into that mostly causes things like yo-yo dieting and circular weight gain/loss. I know that being fat is being shown to not actually be unhealthy in the ways it has often been shown as and perceived to be. I know that literally all the media everywhere is blasting me with idealized bodies that pretty much do not exist or only exist through extremely unsustainable/unhealthy means.
I have tried for so long to believe in and promote body neutrality or positivity for myself and other people. I constantly refuse to let myself think about what I see in the mirror or in pictures. I tell myself to get exercise for the physical and mental health benefits, not for my physical appearance. I try to view my body for what it can do and not how it looks. I tell myself to live the life I want to live now, rather than waiting to live it till I have the body I imagine living that life. Without exaggeration, I am fairly certain I think about these things every single day.
And none of it is working.
I actually feel I dislike my appearance now more than I did even a year ago. I feel like I am constantly noticing things about my body that I never did before or new changes to my body, and I am deeply uncomfortable with them. And I want to do something about it, and clearly simply changing my mentality isn't doing anything. I want to diet and exercise. But I also know it likely won't be a permanent change. I am concerned that I would give myself an eating disorder. And I'm also concerned that I would be feeding into diet/exercise culture. I am worried about hurting the people around me who are also fat. I am anxious about the fact that I am not actually that large so I don't want to talk about it with other people because I know it will make people who are larger than I am feel terrible. I don't want to make other people who are gaining weight feel bad for that. But, I hate the way I look.
This is not sustainable. At some point something will break and I think it might end up being my brain. I am worried about how that would end up. The things I do for my brain and my body shouldn't be about how it might affect other people, it should be for me. But I don't want to be bad for the things I do. I want and have wanted for so long to look like a powerbuilder/warrior/dwarf/strongman lifter/crossfit athlete/etc. I want to be big. I want to be visibly strong and powerful. And I am absolutely not. And I know I struggle with commitment and discipline and all of that, but I also know I struggle a lot with how this desire appears to other people.
Really, I think what this is all coming down to is other people's opinions. I dislike the way I look and am told that's bad. I want to change the way I look and I'm told that's bad. I do nothing and get told that's bad. I have to want these things for the right reason, in the right way, and have to talk about it right all the time. And I just can't. I don't like the way I look and I wish I looked like a brick shithouse and everyone else can fucking suck it.
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