#AND YET. HERE I AM. IT HAS BEEN MY PRIMARY FIXATION FOR YEARS NOW.

[moe-broey]

Playing Awakening as a guy (ESPPP a transguy) is so funny like. Immune to the universal experience of Chrom marriage jumpscare. Falling in love with Chrom anyway because his supports with m!Robin are SO GOOD. Mentally in my head in my heart I'm co-parenting Lucina she is also my daughter. Bonus points if you get extra funky in your head where you ship Maribelle/Lissa and Chrom/Gaius, marry Maribelle because you love her and have Lissa marry Gaius because they're pretty cute but also have it all be like. We're all bearding for each other. Olivia is there too bc she is the funniest option and adds to Chrom's disaster bisexual vibes.

And then you decide "Well next run I'm romancing Chrom because I love him I am making A Point to romance him" either make an OC or play as default Robin and. Get HORRIFICALLY MORTIFYINGLY jumpscared by Chrom's supports with f!Robin SO BAD YOU'RE GONNA THROW UP ABOUT IT (ESP AS A TRANSGUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And to this day you have NOT married Chrom and the only way you could ever feel comfortable marrying Chrom is to hack your 3DS

[curiosity-killed]

hua cheng, the accidental person

okay this is for @bodhimcbodeface because i can’t shut up and make this concise enough for discord. spoilers ahead yeehaw

this is...not comprehensive. i’ve written 11 tgcf fics and am generally a bit fixated on Hua Cheng as a character so. there’s definitely things missing but i tried to hit the main points that i thought of while writing? also obviously this is just my interpretation! i do not expect anyone else to be like “ah yes curio the sage is so correct i have changed my thinking on this” like go live your life with your own versions of hua cheng! this is just the hill upon which i have firmly planted myself and from which i refuse to be budged. as u do.

anyway, LONG explanation of my very niche and very uh self-indulgent, not-necessarily-support-by-canon hua cheng apologism LMAO

tl;dr: (this is really Too Long i’m sorry) I think Hua Cheng reluctantly becomes a person during his 800 years of searching, starting from a point where he views Xie Lian not as a person but as an immutable god and focus of devotion and developing into a person who doesn’t really acknowledge that he’s a person because realizing that you want to live and do things for yourself is scary and overwhelming at times, and he ultimately falls in love with Xie Lian during the novel itself as he recognizes and is in wonder of the humanity of Xie Lian instead of his divinity or absolute judgment.

POINT 1: Hua Cheng doesn’t actually fall in love with Xie Lian till the ox cart

but curio! you say, “my beloved!” he calls him his beloved! and the land of tender!!

shhh. IMO Hua Cheng is more Wuming than Hua Cheng for those 800 years. By which I mean, for most of that time he’s, at his heart, a nameless soldier trying to find and serve his crown prince/general/god. He still views Xie Lian as this perfect and immaculate figure—a sculpture, a painting, a work of art that is untouchable and immutable. And he’s utterly and wholly devoted to that figure but devotion is not the same as love

So Hua Cheng is searching and trying to serve Dianxia all these years and then His Royal Highness finally ascends and is a god again and Hua Cheng shows up in all his glory to give this power and strength and wealth to serve him and—

and he’s met not by a powerful and reckless martial god or an unstoppable calamity but by a young man dressed in bridal robes who lets Hua Cheng lead him up a darkened mountain, who doesn’t lash out with spiritual energy or a sword but instead, only eventually, with the cursed bandage he was carrying back in the darkest part of his life.

and i think that throws hua cheng. like he’s had this image of his god all these years, this divine painting made over and over and over again—and he carries that belief and devotion with him, but there’s a crack in the sculpture and the stone is starting to flake off to reveal a human underneath it

so he puts on an approachable, malleable, unassuming skin and finds xie lian collecting scraps and being a lil awkward, a lil bumbling, generous and kind — and i think hua cheng, after 800 years of knowing everything, having everything — I think he looks at this discovery with wonder

Bc tbc this does not mean Hua Cheng views them as equals. For him it’s like, dianxia has even more to him, is even more than I knew. He’s seen Xie Lian as the flower crowned martial god in all his glory and as the white-clothed calamity in all his horror — and now here he is, wonderful, multitudinous, and human

Meanwhile I don’t think Hua Cheng even views himself as a person really, much less a human.

also i mean. the internet & allo ppl prove time and time again that you don’t need love for horniness so. land of tender’s right out as proof on that

POINT 2: The Live For Me thing

so obviously and undeniably, using one person as a reason for living is....not healthy. Not going to argue that. but my take on it personally is that, when Hua Cheng’s a kid who really, actively wants to die and sees no reason for living, Xie Lian gives him a reason to keep going. he doesn’t have to live for himself—that’s too much, that’s too big of an ask—but he’s been given a command and purpose by the one person who’s been kind to him/whom he respects. it’s a little like... “My life has no meaning but my cat needs me to feed him and clean his litterbox and so I need to keep getting up and taking care of him even if I don’t see a larger intrinsic purpose to my life.”

and i think like...it’s easy to forget that for all of books 2 & 4, Hua Cheng is young. He doesn’t live past 18—he’s still like...a kid. And that’s not to say that teenagers/young adults can’t make moral and rational decisions but I’m going to be honest, when I was that age I contemplated joining the Air Force because of tuition assistance and the snazzy uniform despite the fact that I was a vocal pacifist and repeatedly got into arguments with teachers about school rules and conservative politics. It’s not like. The Most Rational and Mature Age, lbr. 

so Wuming is absolutely capable of looking at what Xie Lian is doing and being like “hey maybe war crimes aren’t a great idea” but he is young and traumatized and the one person he believes in, the one person who gave him a reason to keep going, is deadset on this task which tbh I don’t think either of them (or...necessarily...the society in which they live) views as war crimes in the modern sense (which isn’t to say that we as readers should view it any more lightly bc i think the narrative directly and firmly contradicts that idea) but as revenge, as an eye-for-an-eye. so, bad, but character-wise, I think it’s more nuanced than we sometimes consider

anyway back to the fixation on xie lian. i stand by the assertion that in those 800 years, hua cheng wasn’t exclusively focused on xie lian. like was finding and serving him his top priority? oh god yes. undeniably. there is no other version of this story. BUT eight hundred years is like....a lot of time. and i think in that time he started doing things for himself, even if under the guise of serving xie lian. hua cheng is curious and adventurous—he clearly likes to learn even if he plays it off as nbd—and i think he starts to realize that about himself in those centuries even if he doesn’t allow himself to acknowledge or consider it. 

POINT 3: Mt. Tong’lu in General

“okay, sure but what about the thousands of sculptures and murals of xie lian, curio. what the fuck about them.”

Yeah. FINE. okay we will DEAL with this. dealing with this is the entire reason i wrote “(like i do) in the tall grass.” 

disclaimer: this is probably not supported by canon! i also. Do Not care. My Ghost King Now.

so I have two general avenues I take with this:

going back to the devotion > love — when Hua Cheng reaches MTL, he’s seen xie lian beaten and cast down. what do gods need to survive? worship! we see throughout how important divine statues/portraits/etc. are throughout canon. in this interpretation, the cave is a concentration of all that worship in an effort to support and serve xie lian and hua cheng doesn’t view himself like...as part of it. the sculptures could have been carved by any hand so long as they are xie lian and the worship and devotion that goes into their making can support and bolster him.

my personal favorite version: amNESIA IN THE CAVES —okay i don’t have the text pulled up rn but y’know how Guoshi says Hua Cheng was almost dispersed, in terrible condition, etc., when he reached Mt. Tong’lu. so if baby boy is in terrible condition, barely hanging on, etc., then my immediate favorite option is that he doesn’t, at that time, have even the...uh threadbare sense of self he did in life/as Wuming and is running on only a vague and urgent sense of Something driving him—something he has to do, someone he has to serve—and in that case, the paintings and sculptures are part of his trying to piece together and process his memories as he can grasp them and figuring out who he is/what his purpose is. Is this canonical? PROBABLY NOT. and yet here i am. firmly planted on this hill

Also w/ MTL I think a thing that’s often skated over is the mortals, creation of E’ming, and his ascension. Which is important from a meta lens of Hua Cheng and Xie Lian vs Jun Wu but that’s not the point of this rambling monstrosity and i’m trying not to get too distracted. ANYWAY I think this is one of those times when Hua Cheng does something that he would probably excuse as like “well His Highness would’ve wanted me to” or “His Highness wouldn’t have been willing to sacrifice the mortals” because Xie Lian is still largely his moral compass—but it also is a peek at the complexity Hua Cheng doesn’t acknowledge within himself.

uh i got distracted anyway and no longer know what point i was making here. Hua Cheng Ascension Important....maybe i will remember this at some other point...

POINT 4: Live For Me (Revisited)

I sort of got distracted writing that point but anyway coming back to it now: I maintain that although Hua Cheng’s primary pursuit is protecting and serving Xie Lian he also does develop/realize his Accidental Personhood throughout his 800 years. this includes a lot of things, as previously stated, that are under the guise of serving Xie Lian (I’d put learning the Banyue tongue, finding out about the Gilded Banquet, collecting swords, beating the 33 officials etc., in this category) and things that maybe could be but...are not really (e.g., his friendship alliance with He Xuan, Paradise Manor* in general, the Gambling Den, learning the Wuyong tongue, bullying Qi Rong*, bullying FengQing*, playing with gold foil palaces, etc.)

(*these are ones that like...could be said to be for Xie Lian and I think he might say are for Xie Lian but also have a personal element that is just for him. 

Like yes Paradise Manor is a lavish and well-stocked residence fit for a god or crown prince...but it’s also a luxurious and extravagant collection of all the things he couldn’t have in life. it’s like giving a kid a credit card with no limit and letting them run wild through uh. Fuck. A Fancy Department Store. 

And sure Qi Rong was awful and turned on Xie Lian in pretty damning ways, but I also genuinely think part of Hua Cheng’s grudge with him is from the childhood abuse and from just...hatred that Qi Rong is around and looks like Xie Lian and gets to be there when Hua Cheng can’t find Xie Lian (which is about  Xie Lian but for Hua Cheng). 

Similarly with FengQing, sure a lot of his hate is for them abandoning Xie Lian—but he doesn’t even know till Book 3 when they abandoned him, and consider how much more he hates Mu Qing, the guy he blames for kicking him out of the army, etc. Some of it is totally “in service” to Xie Lian but some of it is because Hua Cheng carries a grudge like a goddamn pro and finds catharsis in beating the shit out of immortals who bounce back and can’t stop tripping over themselves and onto his blade.)

[letterboxd]

In Focus: The Truman Show.

Inspired by Letterboxd data that revealed it to be a lockdown favorite, editor-at-large Dominic Corry looks at the ever-evolving importance of contemporary masterpiece The Truman Show.

It has long been apparent that The Truman Show is an unnervingly prescient film. The story of a man who becomes aware that his superficially idyllic life is, in fact, a live-streamed television show has gone from being high-concept to every-day.

Thanks to the three Ps—the prevalence of mass urban surveillance, the proliferation of reality television and the pervasiveness of video in social media—the notion of cameras filming our every move is no longer a paranoid fantasy, but real life. The twist being that, for the most part, we all willingly signed up for it, and did all the filming ourselves. As Yi Jian saliently observes in his review: “Not to get all ‘we live in a society’ on Letterboxd but I know a person or two in real life that would actually give anything to trade lives with Truman, it do be like that sometimes”. It indeed do, Yi Jian.

So it’s something of a cliché at this stage to point out how we are all living in some version of the The Truman Show, and you don’t have to be a member of the royal family to feel that way. Yet, somehow, the film has become even more pertinent over the last eighteen months. And it’s a pertinence reflected in the massive uptick in viewership for the film as seen in Letterboxd activity.

During the month of February 2020, the last moment of the Before Times, The Truman Show had a modest 1,235 diary entries. That number tripled in April of that year, by which time the seriousness of the pandemic had become clear. And by July, deep in the worst of the pandemic, Truman fervor peaked, with a further 178 percent leap over April’s numbers, firmly placing it in the top 200 films watched by our members in a year of lockdown. (By the way, ‘diary entries’ mean activity where the member has added a watched date; many thousands more also marked Truman as ‘watched’ in those dark months, but didn’t specify a date.)

It’s not difficult to imagine why we might become more interested in revisiting this eminently re-visitable film. During lockdown, social media—including Letterboxd—took on a greater presence in terms of how we communicated with each other. We got used to seeing footage of faces more than actual faces. We were all the stars of our own ‘Truman Show’, and simultaneously the audience of everyone else’s ‘Truman Show’.

Christian Torres boiled it down effectively when he wrote: “Now every movie I see seems to be related to my life in quarantine. I am Truman and I want to escape.” And Sonya Sandra eloquently captured the film’s increased contemporary significance in her review: “This is a real-life daylight horror film. The best kind. Even more relevant in 2021 than ever. We are all Truman, we all want to find what is real in our fake lives filled with media, capitalism and ideology. And it’s our job to fight the storm and get to the truth of it all. Nothing is real, everything is for profit, and everyone is selfish. Go out and find what is real, because it’s definitely not here.”

With its deft, dazzling blending of the profound and the humorous, the optimistic and the cynical, it’s difficult to think of anything released since The Truman Show that comes as close as it does to being a modern-day Frank Capra movie. It’s hopeful, but has its eyes wide open. There’s a darkness in the themes of the film that is never replicated in the colors on display.

While everyone involved delivers career-best work, we must principally credit the triumvirate of talent at the center of the film: director Peter Weir, screenwriter Andrew Niccol and star Jim Carrey.

Star Jim Carrey and director Peter Weir on the set of ‘The Truman Show’ (1998).

Weir is a director who inspires much online love whenever his name is mentioned, but he isn’t really mentioned all that often. Or at least as often as he should be. The Australian filmmaker has delivered masterpieces across multiple genres, and it’s extremely sad that he hasn’t directed a movie since 2010’s not-quite-true World War II drama The Way Back, arguably one of his lesser works. That’s also, insanely, one of only two movies he’s made since Truman, the other being Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, the wide and rabid affection for which regularly kicks up on Twitter (not to mention demand for a sequel).

Weir doesn’t do many interviews, and while this 2018 Vanity Fair article marking Truman’s twentieth anniversary has many quotes about the film’s modern relevance, Weir doesn’t offer any commentary to that effect, presumably preferring to let the work speak for itself—though in this 1998 interview he did talk about the relationship between the media, the general public and the people we become fascinated with, as a “complex situation”.

The Vanity Fair article does, however, reveal a fascinating ‘what if’ scenario relating to Christof, the god-like director of the in-movie TV show played by Ed Harris, who offers up a pile of pretentious auteur clichés: mononymous, beret, etc. (beyond the whole god thing, that is). When Dennis Hopper, originally cast in the role, wasn’t working out, Weir considered playing the role himself, which would’ve added yet another meta layer. It brings to mind how George Miller styled Immortan Joe (played by Hugh Keays-Byrne) after himself in Mad Max: Fury Road, or how Christopher Nolan’s haircut shows up in most of his films.

Ed Harris as Christof in ‘The Truman Show’ (1998).

And, at one point, it could have gone mega-meta. Weir, in the 1998 interview, talked about a “crazy idea” he had, a technical impossibility back then but easily achievable with live-streaming now. “I would have loved to have had a video camera installed in every theater the film was to be seen [in]. At one point, the projectionist would … cut to the viewers in the cinema and then back to the movie. But I thought it was best to leave that idea untested.” Imagine.

Weir also played a role in helping to shape the originally much more overtly dark screenplay into the cheerier (on the surface at least) shooting script, which is solely credited to fellow antipodean, New Zealand-born Niccol, also a producer on the film. Both men have done the majority of their work in America, but it’s tempting to credit the film’s tone-perfect sense of heightened Americana to the degree of separation offered by their foreign provenance. In any case, it’s clear that open-air mall designers were paying attention.

Niccol’s original screenplay made his name in Hollywood, and revealed a storyteller excited by big ideas. He moved into directing with the smaller-scale Gattaca, released a year prior to Truman (itself delayed to meet Carrey’s availability). Niccol’s subsequent filmography includes several legit bangers (Lord of War hive step up!), and his endearing dedication to lofty allegories in a genre setting makes him an increasingly rare breed in Hollywood.

Like Weir, he is not the greatest fan of giving interviews, but the Vanity Fair piece quotes him making an interesting point: “When you know there is a camera, there is no reality,” thereby making Truman “the only genuine reality star.”

It’s a sentiment echoed by MusicMoviesMe, who writes that “‘Truman Show’ beats all other reality shows out there like Bachelors, Survivors and Kardashians. Come on, when you know there’s a camera at your tail, there’s no reality. So yes, Truman beats all reality shows out there bar none!”

The role was perfectly suited to Jim Carrey’s affected mannerisms, and his status as one of the world’s biggest stars meant he could relate to Truman more than most people. Then, at least. Nowadays, of course, we are all Truman.

“It is always incredible to see how far The Truman Show was ahead of [its] time,” observes The Closer79. “In a world where celebs are monitored 24/7 and we are showered with unnecessary private information on the web, where talent-free wannabes become famous and where you sometimes [wonder] what kind of surreal show society you are in—Truman and his fake show life cleverly have anticipated all of this. Only Truman knew nothing of his luck and he was granted an escape from his glass prison. We don’t really have this possibility… Aren’t we all Truman? Sometimes even voluntarily…”

Austin Burke concurs: “I have always known that I really enjoyed this film, but I had no clue that it would hold up so well years later… Could this be because the strange world that he finds himself in is far more similar to our world today? Possibly, but the idea and themes are so much more relevant now compared to when this originally released.” And while DallasFrance is conscious of piling on about the film’s prescience, his review highlights how there really is no limit to the film’s meta qualities:

“Instead of writing a review about how this film predicted social media, or how we’re all Truman, or yadda yadda yadda, I’ll instead fixate on the miraculous fact that two absolute legends were cast as primary viewers of the Truman Show:

1. The old lady from The Running Man who starts betting on Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger). ‘He’s one bad motherf*cker!’

2. The villain from The Karate Kid Part II:

‘Live or die, man?!’ ‘Die!’ ‘Wrong!’ *hooooonnnkkk*

I’ve never seen either of these actors in any other roles. With the second one, I felt like I was watching a character from my childhood watch a character from his childhood come to realizations about the characters in his childhood. So actually… the movie’s really about me.”

Never change, LB membership.

We are all generally pretty aware of how ahead of its time The Truman Show was, but that doesn’t lessen its impact. Maddie’s review shows that there’s always some new angle to consider: “Imagine being an extra in this movie… You would be an extra, playing an actor, playing an extra. Think about that long enough and tell me that doesn’t make you want to walk into the ocean.”

Kev goes even further: “Watching other people watch somebody else while also watching that person while also watching the person watching over that person is a great reminder that watching is weird, and to be watched is to not own yourself. Don’t watch, don’t try to be watched. Just live.”

Or perhaps Will encapsulates the film’s ability to present an ever-evolving message best, writing that, “clearly, this is video proof that we live in a simulation.” Beyond mere prescience, The Truman Show is a telling mirror to whatever era it is viewed in. Its message will continue to evolve.

Now that we’re finally (touch wood) emerging from the pandemic, it will be fascinating to see what The Truman Show has to say about its audience and the world they live in, in years to come. Rest assured, it will be well-documented by you, the Letterboxd audience.

Also: can Peter Weir please make another movie? Like, seriously.

Related content

A Meta-Reality: Robert’s list of layers of film in life and life in film

Follow Dom on Letterboxd

[teencopandthesourwolf]

1, 12, 14 for your fic asks :)

bestie! thanks, love. here goes...

1. FAVORITE FIC YOU WROTE THIS YEAR

so, i've looked back over the fics i published this year on ao3 and i've definitely not written as much as previous years. guess i've just been vibing more with the art muse in 2021?

anyways, from the fics i have written, i think it might be a destiel getting together oneshot (just under 2k, rated TEEN) which is set somewhere in s5 of supernatural and titled ALL YOU HAD TO SAY. it's nothing groundbreaking and i've written better in general, imo, but it was one of those pieces that just happened, just flowed, you know? it features early seasons literal!cas whom i adore and also has an explanation for why dean stopped wearing john's leather jacket, lol (irl, its believed somebody stole it from the set as it simply "disappeared"). and... it's soft. and i feel i don't usually tend to write that as well as angst, so it made me happy that i liked it (and still do), i guess.

here's an excerpt:

Clearing his throat again, Dean then said, "Cas? Hey, you around, buddy? Kinda need you to lend me your ears, if you're free…"

Nothing became angel in a heartbeat, in a rush of unseeable feathers and lightning-charged ozone—that same charred smell that already lingered in the air, only much stronger.

"Hello, Dean."

Dean took a breath. "Hey, man. Uh, Thanks for the flyby," Dean smirked, fingers trembling.

"I've told you a number of times, Dean, I'll always come when you call. Although, I am somewhat confused by your request; I'm unsure of how I would go about lending you this vessel's body parts." Cas was as earnest as ever.

Dean pulled a face. "What? Oh, right, the ear thing, yeah. Uh, nah, man, that's just a turn of phrase." He cleared his throat again, even though there was nothing left to clear. "Listen, Cas. I, uh... I got somethin' to say."

"Well, I'd be a little put out if you didn't."

"You might be a little put out regardless," Dean muttered under his breath.

.

12. FAVOURITE CHARACTER TO WRITE ABOUT THIS YEAR

you know what? it absolutely has to be teen wolf's DEREK HALE!

i think that's bc i'm on my... uh, 4th? 5th? rewatch, and i'm FINALLY able to look more at other character's journeys and back stories etc, without just completely 100% fixating on stiles lol xD

(chosen at random, this scene is from my [sadly as-of-yet unfinished] chaptered fic, a sterek getting together piece that's called IN THE WAREHOUSE, IN A HEARTBEAT which i will eventually come back to, as it's finished in my head and notes)

From his chosen perch, he had a perfect view of the full moon’s yellowy glow; a perfect ball, clearly visible even through the storm’s jagged forks of lightning and angry, slate-grey clouds. She was huge, tonight. Derek felt her pull, as usual, willing him to shift, shift, shift. Each and every full moon was a trying and intense experience for Derek, same as any other Were. But it was also entirely manageable, these days.

Usually.

Ever since Derek had learned how to control The Change, fighting it off monthly had become just another part of his life. Staving off what his biology pleaded of him—to morph into his Were form, with claws and teeth bared; animalistic senses and desires allowed to take the primary lead—had gotten easier and easier, with practice. It still wasn’t exactly a breeze, not by any stretch, but it certainly wasn’t the difficult situation it had been at puberty before he knew the technique to stop it from happening. The only times fighting it off was harder was when he was... when Derek’s libido was higher than usual. Like here and now, being caught alone in a cramped space with the object of his every recent fantasy.

.

14. A FIC YOU DIDN'T EXPECT TO WRITE

funnily enough, the fic i absolutely did not expect to write was published only last week! it's a supernatural kid!chester drabble (kid sammy and teen dean) by the canon referenced title of COUNT YOUR LUCKY CHARMS about how poor dean ends up having to take extreme measures to keep his little brother fed and clothed, bc their dad leaves them alone in motels for weeks on end ToT. he resorts to sex work at nearby truckstops to pay for the things they need. it's sad. i still have absolutely no idea why the concept popped into my head but there you go.

(here's an excerpt. WARNING: there are mentions of underage sex)

Anyways, it's not like the drivers at whatever truckstop they're lucky enough to be dumped near by Dad, care anyways. None of them have complained. Well, one had. But that was about Dean's stubble giving him dickrash, allegedly, not the way Dean smells. See, if Dean doesn't shave for a week, he looks almost eighteen. Not that he thinks those creepy guys care about his age much neither, to be honest.

.

ahhhh, thanks sm for these asks, kate! count on some coming your way too... <3

[intheseautumnhands]

I have no work so pre-NaNo ramblings under the jump as I try to sort out if I’m starting anything new for it, feel free to click through or ignore entirely. 

All fic, because I have no idea what Im doing with any original stuff right now. Most of it is TUA fic. Because I am currently Having An Obsession.

- Speaking of Having An Obsession, primary goal is definitely to get turpentine and patches (the pre-S1, “Diego and Vanya and pregnancy and dealing with trauma by being determined to be better parents than Reginald and finding something else to live for, technically a kidfic I guess even though it probably ends right before or right after the kid if born” fic) finished. Or close to it? Just... to work on it. 

(I’m stalled right now because I’ve written through what my brain termed The First Part, and I have an idea for The Third Or Fourth-ish Part, but need to figure out what The Second Part is going to be in a way that’s interesting to write about. Right now in my head it’s just “?????? Dealing? Somewhere in here we deal with the Question of Doctors, but not The Question of Medication, they need to be closer for that. also in here is where Diego effectively moves in even if they don’t really register that fact til later.” I may write the attached one-shot to The Third-ish Part in my head first, see where the emotional states land, and write towards that? That might work. Or maybe I’ll just put Braille on repeat and go to town.)

But I am not Proper NaNoing -- for one thing I don’t think the above is going to be 50k, especially not on top of the ~7k I have already? I could be wrong, but we’ll see. So other thoughts:

- I would like to get some more words on the Allison-is-born-in-Night-Vale story(/ies) done, because right now that exists as a decontextualized collection of paragraphs, some from the base fic, some from the series of spin-offs where she meets the various Hargreeves (mostly the one where Luther starts getting her show on the moon and falls in love with her from afar). And it’s just fun. I think I need a WTNV refresher, so I may make a point of listening to some of my favorites this week. It’s also good Halloween noise and I can work to it, so.

(Should not just listen to Desert Bluffs episodes. But may do some of those too. Because I love Kevin more than is probably healthy for me. One day I’ll go as Kevin for a con somewhere and have way too much fun.)

- I appear to have lost the bare: a pop opera/TUA crossover file somewhere in my docs? I need to dig it out again and go back to that as well, but I need a refresher on what bits I have scrambled down, because I think that’s also pretty piecemeal.

- ..... I don’t have that much oomph for my other existing WIPs right now, which is dissapointing. Some part of me DOES want to turn the series of Abigail/63!Will ficlets into somethign more than A Series of Kinky Moments, but I don’t know what to do with that, so it’s probably not happening yet.

I may make an effort to work on the eldritch-Sigyn-time-loop fic though. Because I love it and i feel like it’s going to end up just languishing. Or maybe that will be my wind-up to NaNo, since I don’t know what to write lately?

- Things I’d like to start but need to do research for:

-- That fic where Abigail survives but is mute, the metaphor becomes text and in her lack of voice becoming text she finds a way to reclaim her voice and her power, because I still have STRONG FEELINGS about Abigail Hobbs apparently. Like. A lot of them. Like, it’s almost a problem, but not surprising.

However, to write it properly I’d really want to research throat wounds and healing, and I am A Chicken about gory images, so I have to figure out how to research it without risking running into pictures.

-- I ALSO need to research throat wounds and healing for the fic where Diego crash-lands into the 60s a couple of months after Allison, they’re assumed to be married, and they just kind of roll with it. Also, racism in the 60s, and specifically how it affects marriages that are different races but nobody involved is white? Because literally every source I found on my first go-round was only about interracial marriage when one part was. 

(That, or I need to throw up my hands and choose to declare this fic not reality complaint, but I feel like this one I should definitely at least TRY to research first. But goddammit I just want to write fake-married-and-worried-about-everyone-else turning into actual-relationship(-and-still-worrying) [and also somewhere it developed a plot where Diego tries to get into boxing because he has no ability to keep jobs and ends up running into Luther and possibly evolves into threesomes and also collecting their other siblings several months before Five shows up? I don’t know how but it did].)

- Shorter contenders if I need to find something else to think on for a bit include: 

-- The fic where Ben slowly becomes possessed by the Horror.

-- The series of AUs where each member of the Academy ended up being the last one left behind.

-- Luther viewing Vanya as their father’s left-hand team leader to his personal right-hand team leader and coming to her to keep her in the loop and ask advice, which eventually morphs as they get older into a habit of going to Vanya to confess everything he feels he’s done wrong and her giving him a kind of penance

... Do I even have anything else that’s not TUA left? I feel like I should but I Have A Fixation right now, it’s a problem. I need to go back to the Magicians and see if that creeps in. Or maybe something else, but this will work for NaNo, I think. altogether it’s definitely more than 50k, though I’m not planning to write it all at once this coming month, just, it’ll be easier if there’s a plan for me to look at while I’m going ‘but what do I wriiiiiiiite’ than if there’s nothing.

Not even sure I’m really going for 50k, but just. Writing in a Substantial Amount would be nice. For once I think I can do it! It’s been 14 fucking years since I’ve won (or even gone over 10k I believe)! So let’s see how it goes!

[cat-in-da-wall]

roisa tgp au

ft. rose as eleanor & luisa as chidi

below the cut is a little rose solano/luisa alver in a the good place au!

As Rose’s eyes opened, she took a look around, the strange room earning a sense of unease. A strange man stood by the opened doorway, with a smile.

“Clara Ruvelle?” He asked, voice soft, and yet firm. “Come on in.” Her sense of security heightened, but years of practice ensured it wouldn’t show. However this man knew her name, she was going to find out why, and whether or not she did it the nice way, well, that depended wholly on him.

She stood up anyways, plastering on her signature soft smile, one which had charmed one too many men she had no interest in— but it worked, and that was all that mattered, for he flashed a smile back.

Following him into the room, her eyes flickered from corner to corner, trying to make sense of all of this. Had she been kidnapped? She knew it hadn’t been a good idea to visit a bar at her lowest, nothing good would come of it. She chided herself for once again being an idiot when she had everything at stake. She carefully sat down on the grey-ish chair, carefully watching the man sit down under the false pretense of staring at the plant.

The plant was, however, not interested. But it was all she could focus on, in this boring office room, where everything was yellow, grey or somewhere in between. Not that he was judging his choices, just that, well, the office was bland.

“You, Clara Ruvelle, are dead.” He said, his eyes displaying a sliver of sympathy and perhaps feeling sorry, but she shoved those thoughts aside, as she attempted to process this.

At first, many waves of snickers and scoffs echoed within her mind, believing the man was lying and she had just been kidnapped. It was probably all a mind game, right? She had so much more to do, she couldn’t have just died, could she? But then, the scoffs quieted down, and she realized that, well, it could be very possible she had died.

A hint of panic, just the slightest, passed through her, and her heartbeat got louder, was she really dead? How could she be? What happened? How could she have let herself be so careless? How was she going to run her empire now? She had so much more she wanted to do, so many more empires to corrupt and take over, many more idiots to seduce— but there was nothing she could really do now, except to make the best of the world she was in. Could you run a crime business in the afterlife?

“Cool.” Her voice, cool and calm, echoed, followed by a nod, maybe a small smile, as she fixated on the man in front of her.

A pause, an awkward one, as she took a second of hesitation to think, maybe rid the awkward air between them.

“How did I die?” She asked, her voice a little bit louder than she’d hoped.

“Are you sure you want to know?” He asked, resting his hands on the table between them.

“I’m sure.” 

“Well, you were sleeping in the basement bedroom of one Lily Keller when her mother left the stove on by accident, and the whole house burned down.” A brief moment of silence, again— but this time it wasn’t just her, the man seemed to be thinking as well, or perhaps he was just judging her. Either way, she took the silence as a gift.

“Well.” She probably should’ve asked about the mom, whether or not Mrs. Keller made it out in time, but to be frank, she didn’t quite care, and there was no use pretending to care— she was dead after all.

“We erase traumatic memories of the death for an easy transition into the afterlife.” He explained, sitting back a little as an easy smile surfaced, as if attempting to calm her.

“So, where exactly am I?” She asked, her finger pointing up for a second, then down. She assumed the latter, obviously, I mean, she had killed one too many people by accident, and her business wasn’t exactly cruelty-free in her ways of gaining. 

“Not many people get in, but you, Clara Ruvelle, are in the Good Place.” He said, leaning back in a little, his hands resting on the table, fingers intertwined with one another.

“Wow.” Was all she could manage to say at the moment, a smirk right below the surface. And perhaps following it, panic? Was she supposed to be here? Had somebody made a mistake? After all, textbook sociopath or not, she had done some pretty bad things, put as the man across from her rose, she stood up to her own two feet, flattening out her red dress.

“Come on, Clara, let me show you around.”

The tour around had been pretty boring, if you asked her. She’d probably learned more about the mechanics of the place than where she could go to get food, meet people, or purchase a sweet snack. Nonetheless, it was a nice way to pass the endless time that she’d have to spend in this small town variation of heaven.

They’d been walking for what seemed like a century already, around the town where everybody was arm in arm with someone else, and offering her a friendly smile. To be frank, her facial muscles had never been more tired, even when she had to speak for hours and hours. It was all just so overwhelmingly sunshine-y.

“So, who’s in the Bad Place, that would shock me?” She asked, trying to bring up conversation as her heels clicked against the little paved road in the middle of nowhere.

“Uh, well, Mozart, Picasso, Elvis, basically every artist ever, uh, ever U.S. president except Lincoln.” He replied, hands in his pockets.

“That sounds about right.” She responded. “What about Florence Nightingale?”

“That was close, but, no, she didn’t make it.” He spoke. Her heartbeat started to speed up as he spoke, and she panicked. If even such a woman like that wasn’t here, why on earth was she here? Well, obviously her terrible actions must’ve brought good impacts onto the lives of others, and from her countless terrible actions, she swayed herself into believing so.

A moment of silence hung between them as she searched for the right words that wouldn’t completely destroy her image.

“Wow, all those amazing people, down there, it just seems hard to believe.”

“Again, it’s an incredibly selective system. Most people don’t make it here. But you, a lawyer who got innocent people off death row, you’re special, Clara.”

What? She prayed she’d heard wrong, but there was no doubt what she was hearing. His hands were on her shoulders now, and if she was anybody else, she would’ve crumbled apart under the guise of the lies. But she didn’t.

Instead, she continued to smile, and despite the momentary falter, he bought it.

“And by the way,” He continued, removing his hands from her shoulder. “Welcome to your new home!” The man said, as they approached two houses near the edge of town. Her eyes flickered from the larger house to the tiny house beside it, trying to figure out which one would be more convenient for her to live in, maybe get to know in the span of the endless years she’d have to spend here with whoever this soulmate was.

It was eerily quiet, she was used to the bustling, busy cities and the busier underground networks which she frequented. The houses stood on a grass field, almost what she would’ve called in the middle of nowhere, if they hadn’t just come from the small town right beside it.

The small house was multicoloured, a sort of primary colour scheme, with the exception of the porcelain white that glazed the rooftop, a nice change that made the house look less… kid’s classroom -esque, more actual house.

You see, in the Good Place, every person gets to live in a home that perfectly matches his or her true essence.” He said, gesturing towards the house that was becoming more and more horrific to look at by the moment.

“Cool.” She replied. “So, I guess that’s why my house, for example, is this adorable little cottage, whereas other people have homes that are bigger, like that one.”

And she was referring to the house beside hers, a large house, which looked as if it could fit the smaller house inside at least seventeen times. Pearly silver swirls surrounded the rice coloured marble walls, the translucent glass panes showing but the tiniest corners of the house, alluring but not exposing— a large fountain in the front to top it off, as if being the fanciest house in the area wasn’t enough.

“Exactly. Oh, I’m so happy you get it.” He replied, grinning.

As she entered, she prayed that the inside was nothing like its horrendous outside. She almost jumped, hands balling into fists as she struggled to understand why anybody on earth would live in such a house.

The walls were decorated in clown paintings, and there was an obvious lack of stairs. But, though it was small, the little sections inside it acted like there was more to explore, and for her, it was enough. It wasn’t like she’d ever want to live in a mansion, especially not the huge one next door where, if she lived it in, she feared the skeletons in her closet would lay behind every door.

“As you can see,” He continued, leading her inside. “The interior has been decorated just as you like it, in the Icelandic primitive style.” A second of silence, before he continued to speak, yet again. “Oh, oh, and uh, of course, you love clowns, so…”

Well, at least that explained the odd, horrible, paintings, she thought.

“I do love clowns.” She replied, a light chuckle following.

“Now,” He said, turning her attention towards the opposite area of the house. “Let me show you the video system here.”

She looked at the giant board in front of her, with her name in the centre and branches with countless green words on the end of them, signifying good deeds.

“You can review everything that happened in your life from your point of view.”

He tapped on one of the green words, and a video-style footage popped up, as she watched, curious.

“This is your Human Rights mission to the Ukraine.” He said, gesturing at the shaky footage. “I mean, you got a ton of points for that one. It really put you over the top.”

She didn’t sweat, ever, except during sex. But, if she could, she would’ve been. This was not what she predicted the afterlife would be like, at all. She continued to watch the footage, with a smile, as he placed his hand on her shoulder.

“Luisa, come on in.” He said, as a stranger with the most gorgeous chocolate brown locks and the sweetest hazelnut honey eyes, with storms behind them, entered, dressed in a flannel blouse and trousers.

“Clara?” The girl who she presumed was Luisa, spoke. “I’m Luisa Alver, and you are my soulmate.”

The man in the suit clapped, with a grin. As if he was the one that set up a tinder match that just succeeded, or got his end of the pay on a drug deal.

“Cool!” She said, not sure how to address the gorgeous woman she’d just met— especially as the sparks flew between them and she struggled to keep her cool.

Alas, she went in for a hug, as the stranger’s arms around hers felt like home, the honey almond shampoo scent rich in her hair as it lapped around the nook of her neck, and they hugged like they were making up for all the lost time that could’ve been theirs.

“Now, excuse me, I have other people to attend to.” The man in the suit exited the house quietly, as they continued to embrace.

He left, shutting the door behind him, as the two sat down on the little beige couch-bench seating.

“So, Luisa, where are you from?” She asked, looking into her soulmate’s eyes with the mask of excitedness.

“I was born in a nice hospital, one my father probably paid for, but we moved many times, but eventually settled down in Miami as a doctor.” She grinned, as if excited she finally had someone to talk to. “What about you?”

Quick, she panicked, as she knew she couldn’t tell this lovely stranger about the whole crime lord in the making thing.

“Uh, well, I was born in Stowe, Vermont. And then I lived there for as long as I can remember.” She said, nervously watching her soulmate. Had she messed up already? She started to panic, feeling nervous in a way she hadn’t been for a long, long time, until those brown eyes smiled back at her, the only response she needed.

Her cold hands were taken into the warm ones of the woman across her, as they gazed into each other’s eyes.

“Clara, I’ve spent so much of my life alone, hoping to share moments with someone. And now, I finally have someone to share them with, as soul mates. It’s overwhelming.” Luisa beamed, the puppy dog smile making her swallow, as she realized she couldn’t lie any longer.

“Luisa. You’ll stand by my side no matter what, right?” She asked, keeping her hands firmly in her soul mate’s.

“Of course.” Her soul mate responded, looking a little confused.

“Promise me.” She said. Luisa looked like the type that would keep spoken promises, no matter what, right? “Say, ‘I promise I will never betray you for any reason.’”

Luisa put her hand on her chest, as if making a genuine and solemn swear, as if they were nine again. “Clara, I swear, that I will never say or do anything to cause you any harm.”

“Good.” Clara responded, a smile emerging on her face. Partly because she finally had someone she didn’t have to lie to, but also someone who already swore they’d never hurt her “Because those aren’t my memories. I wasn’t a lawyer,” She continued, shaking her head. “I never went to the Ukraine. I hate clowns.”

She took a moment of silence, or perhaps it was hesitation. “There’s been a big mistake. I’m not supposed to be here.” She puts her best ‘surprise!’ face, jazz hands and all.

The silence hung between them as Luisa’s face went through a bajillion different expressions, from gaping mouth to perpetually confused eyebrows.

Then she spoke with that soft, sweet, voice of hers. “Wait, what?”

[midnightechoes]

JACKETS - Chapter 1: Rift Hollow

A She-Ra and the Princesses of Power fanfic

Chapter: 1 of 36

Rating: Explicit

Ships: Catradora (primary), Pertrapta (secondary)

Summary: It's been a year since the Battle of Bright Moon (S1 Finale). The war between the Horde and the Rebellion has ground into something of a stalemate as both sides continue to search for ways to gain an advantage. Adora wants to be the hero the Rebellion deserves, but still wrestles with her feelings about the friend she left behind, who despite Light Hope's constant advice, she can't seem to let go of.Meanwhile, Catra has emerged as a highly successful 2nd-In-Command of the Horde, gaining the respect of her soldiers, and even, dare she say, making something of a life for herself. Yet everything always seems to come back to the friend she's tried so hard to forget.

Jackets is a continuation of She-Ra and the Princesses of Power after season 1. It does not take events of season 2 or later into account.

Read on AO3!

--

Hi! Welcome to the first fleshed out, multi-chapter thing I've written in years! I loved She-Ra and the Princesses of Power so much it's inspired this huge burst of creativity, so let's see how this goes! I'm not going to state how many chapters it'll be yet because I'm not exactly sure, but this will probably end up being pretty long.

I'll probably be adjusting and adding tags as I go and think of them. I'll also be using this section for chapter-specific trigger warnings.

Okay, so I know that in the summary it says that "Jackets" takes place a year after the Battle of Bright Moon, but chapter 1 actually takes place only 4 months after the Battle of Bright Moon. That's because chapter 1 is sort of a prologue.

Also, because there will eventually feature explicit sexual wlw content I want to make sure to establish that ALL CHARACTERS DEPICTED are over the age of 18. Speaking of the smut though, don't expect it like every chapter, or even every other chapter. "Jackets" is very story heavy, if you're just looking for non-stop sex it maaaaay not be the fic for you.

--

Adora was staring at Catra’s outstretched hand. The catgirl had one of her trademark smirks on her face, and Adora couldn’t tell why. Adora had been taken aback by Catra’s choice of clothes. A striking, dark plum colored suit with magenta accents and matching button down blouse. Her bowtie dangled around her neck, untied. Dirty tactics, Catra.

Since the moment Catra and Scorpia had arrived, Adora couldn’t help but fixate on her best friend. Ex-best friend? Friend-with-complications? She knew they were up to something, but so far the best Adora could tell, Catra had come just to tease her. And now this. The smirk had gotten bigger, exposing one of Catra’s razor sharp canines. For the first time Adora payed attention to the music that was beginning to play. A jazzy little ballroom number. Adora resolved herself and lifted her hand to meet Catra’s. It seemed that playing her game was going to be the only way to figure this out.

Presentation and ritual were important to the Horde, even in matters of celebration. There were no parties. No spontaneous dancing in the aisles. No raucous shanties spun out of nothing. Ballroom dancing was the liveliest the Horde allowed. Even then, they made you practice it until it wasn’t fun anymore. Except when Adora and Catra practiced together. According to their instructor, Essteare, they were horrible at it. Too much improvisation. Too much laughing. Too many erratic motions. Gliding across that room, swaying and spinning in Catra’s arms, were some of the only times away from Force Captain training where Adora felt truly alive.

Essteare would have been so proud of this moment. Adora and Catra, hands pressed together, free arms bent at 90 degrees behind their backs. Tight. Precise.

Adora hated it.

“I know you’re up to something. I’m going to figure out what,” Adora said as they slowly circled around each other.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just here to enjoy myself.”

“We both know that’s not true, Catra,” Adora huffed as she spun Catra away. She turned to receive the next dancer.

There was nobody there.

“Huh.” Adora blinked at the empty dance floor.

Catra slammed back into Adora, resting her head on Adora’s shoulder. “Just us this time,” Catra breathed. “Everyone else is gone.” In one smooth motion Catra grabbed and dipped Adora. Their faces were inches apart. Adora could feel every drop of blood she had flooding her cheeks. “Lucky them,” Catra hissed.

“Wait, what?” The statement smacked into Adora.

“They’ve managed to get away from you,” Catra scoffed as she twirled Adora.

Adora was trying to regain her balance. “They’re my friends! They- They wouldn’t-”

Catra slammed into Adora again, knocking the rest of her statement out of her. She grabbed Adora’s hands and led her into a slow waltz. “Wouldn’t what? Want to be around you? Want to be in the blast radius of the inevitable ticking time bomb that is Adora?”

“I- I try not to be,” Adora was struggling to focus. She was trying to pull her hands free, but Catra’s grip was iron tight.

“Even if they haven’t figured it out yet, they will,” Catra sneered. “Getting away from you was the best thing to happen to me. I have friends now. REAL friends, not just someone using me as an emotional crutch!”

“I’m glad you have friends. I’m happy for you, Catra, I really am.”

“People respect me now. They look up to me. The Horde believes in ME. All thanks to ditching you.”

Honestly, it was shocking how tight Catra’s grip was. Even if she was She-Ra, Adora wasn’t sure she would have been able to break free of it.

Catra pulled her in. Their bodies were pressed together. Adora could feel the heat coming off Catra. “Let’s face it, I’ve done the world a favor,” Catra whispered into Adora’s ear.

Adora pulled her head back so she could look Catra in the eyes. There was something sinister in her stare. Every word Catra said slammed into Adora’s chest. Tearing. Pulling. It felt like Adora’s heart had a python wrapped around it, squeezing the life out of it. 

“I don’t understand,” Adora airily breathed.

Catra let Adora go, and slowly backed away. The smirk had morphed into a wild grin. Almost feral. Almost evil. Catra’s claws were fully extended, soaked in red. Adora opened her mouth to plead with Catra to explain what she meant, but nothing came out. Just a huff of air, and a labored grunt. A blurriness was starting to creep into her vision.

It was then that Adora realized that she was getting light-headed. Her abdomen felt like it was on fire. She looked down. It took a second for Adora to concentrate enough to focus her eyes.

There was a giant gash in Adora’s stomach. Blood was gushing profusely from it. “Ca…Cat… tra,” Adora managed to push out as she collapsed onto the ground.

--- 

  Adora bolted up into a sitting position. Tears were pooling at the corners of her eyes. Her chest was heaving, unable to catch her breath. She ripped her covers off and patted around her stomach. No blood. No hole or gash. No claw marks. There was no chance that there would be. This was more just busywork to calm herself down.

It was working.

As Adora’s breathing slowed to normal, as she wiped away the sticky residue of tears around her eyes, reality started coming back into view. Her bed. Her dark room in Bright Moon Castle, lit only by the moons high above in the sky. Judging from their positions, it was around 3 in the morning. A cool breeze was wafting in through the open doorway to her balcony. The breeze hit Adora, drawing goosebumps on her skin. Adora spun her legs around and dangled them off her bed. She sat there, at the edge of her bed, intently staring at seemingly nothing.

This wasn’t the first time Adora had that dream. Sometimes it went that way. Sometimes it went in a much more pleasant direction. Adora craned her arm around and gently traced the four gashes that ran halfway down her back, starting from her shoulder blade. The other side of her back had a matching set. It had been four months since the battle of Bright Moon, and the scratches on Adora’s back still hadn’t disappeared. She had, for some time now, come to accept that they wouldn’t.

Scars.

She-Ra doesn’t scar.

At least, She-Ra never had before, or since, for that matter. What damage She-Ra did get never carried back into Adora. Except these. Adora knew that Catra’s claws were something to fear. She’d seen them glide through solid metal as one might run their fingers through water. She’d even been on the receiving end of a few nicks from them. Granted, those instances were met with Catra being beside-herself distraught with what she had done, not maniacal glee.

Adora kept telling people that they were a statement Catra was trying to send to her. That wasn’t entirely true though. Adora knew that. They were the punctuation to the statements Catra had told her back during their ordeal in the Crystal Castle. Adora still hadn’t told anyone about what happened there, not even Glimmer and Bow. The entire extent of hers and Catra’s friendship was something Adora tried not to talk about. She thought it would make things between her and her new friends messier than they needed to be. Which meant that the Crystal Castle ordeal was something that she’d kept to herself. 

She wouldn’t even know where to start at this point. Catra never summoned just one clear emotion anymore. It was this ball. Lumpy. Messy. That would press down on her chest and stick in her throat. Safer to just not bring it up at all than try sorting through it.

Not that she felt great about lying to her best friends. Then again, her and Catra apparently spent a lot of their lives not being honest with each other. Maybe this was just how Adora did friendship. The thought did something awful to the pit of her stomach. A strong gust of wind billowed in, causing Adora to shiver. Just enough to jolt Adora out of this pit of self-loathing that she had found herself in. A pit that she had spent far too many nights in recently.

Chances of getting back to sleep were out of the question at this point. Adora got dressed into a sporty tank top and workout leggings. As was becoming a frequent custom, if sleep wasn’t going to happen, Adora decided to do the one thing that still cleared her mind: training.

--- 

  All things considered, Rift Hollow wasn’t a strategically important part of the Horde. It was hours southeast of the Fright Zone by skiff. A small farming town, it mainly supplied food for a few of the security checkpoints along the southeast border of the Horde.

Under normal circumstances, reports of civil unrest in Rift Hollow probably wouldn’t warrant even a Force Captain making the trip, let alone Lord Hordak’s second-in-command. Catra wasn’t concerned with the problems of Rift Hollow, though. After the initial thrill of her promotion, the realities of the work set in. While unsuccessful, the assault on Bright Moon had been a great audition for Catra, but it had also left the Horde forces in shambles. These first four months as Force General had been dedicated to refortifying the ranks of the Horde’s army.

Catra’s personal project had been to put together a squad that she could trust. Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle were natural choices. Well, maybe not Kyle, but his inclusion was essential to get Rogelio on board. They’d seen minor field work before as Cadets, but today was their first big day as Rank Soldiers. Catra wanted to be on hand to see how they performed.

The transport skiff lurched to a stop near the entrance of the town. Catra stood below deck, looking over the status report on Rift Hollow. Above her Force Captain Octavia was barking orders at the squads. Catra rubbed the bridge of her nose. Even now as Octavia’s superior, something about that woman just grated at Catra. She couldn’t argue with Octavia’s effectiveness, though. She was just so damn annoying. Or maybe it was just that this trip had been annoying. Hours of traveling through the Horde countryside just to come yell at some farmers. Or maybe… Maybe it was just everything. Truth be told when Lord Hordak had promoted her, Catra mostly envisioned hanging out with Entrapta and Scorpia to come up with plans to take down those princesses, not… reports. Or staff updates. Or overseeing training.  

Octavia was finishing up. Catra let out a yawn before tossing down her notes and making her way up the stairs.

Octavia’s squad of rookies was tasked with securing the perimeter near the skiff and the entrance of the town. Catra led her squad of Lonnie, Kyle, and Rogelio into Rift Hollow. The townsfolk gave them a wide berth. Their fear was apparent. Catra enjoyed the feeling. They met with a local Horde security officer— a lanky, teal-skinned fellow named Norn— near the center of town.

At the sight of Catra, Norn stiffened up and saluted. “Force General! Ma’am? So sorry, we weren’t expecting you! Had we known that-” Norn started.

Catra waved him off. “Relax, Officer, you’re fine. I’m just here to make sure my newbies are ready. Now, what’s the latest?”

“Fourth day of protests. Most of the farmers have halted work entirely.”

“Can’t have that now, can we. Where are they?”

“Follow me, I’ll show you.” Norn led Catra’s squad through the town. Within a few minutes they were at the edge of the farmlands where a group of farmers were forming a pretty meager blockade and taunting the one Horde security officer already there. At the sight of Catra the farmers began yelling. The details of what they were saying were lost as too many voices overlapped each other.

Catra snapped her finger at Kyle. He lifted a horn up and pressed the button. A screeching sound filled the area, causing everyone to fall silent. Catra patiently waited until the horn died down. She had everyone’s attention. Even some of the townsfolk were making their way to see what all the common was about.

“Citizens of the Horde,” Catra began.

“You mean citizens of Rift Hollow!” a man called out from the crowd.

“ Excuse me ?” Catra growled. The man was easy to find, especially since as soon as Catra started moving forward everyone else moved away from him as if he was contagious. To his credit, the man didn’t back down. He did gulp hard as Catra bared down on him, so only but so much credit. “You’re first and foremost a citizen of the Horde. Got it?”

The man mustered all the courage he could. “I was a citizen of Rift Hollow long before the Horde. And I’ll be one after the Horde, too.”

Catra didn’t respond for a moment. She examined the man in front of her. Had to be in his mid-forties, easily. Without warning, Catra spun, jerked her arm up and connected with a backhanded slap that sent the man careening to the ground.

All of Rift Hollow ground to a halt. Dozens of pairs of eyes were trained on Catra. She flicked her hand in a couple of motions in the general direction of her squad. Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle began spreading out.

“Okay. Gonna say this one time,” Catra announced. “Thanks to these little fits, Rift Hollow hasn’t made its production quotas in two months. You WILL make your quota next month. If you don’t, the next visit will involve tanks. Got it? Now, for the rest of today I’m imposing a curfew, starting now! Everyone, go home. Anyone caught protesting, or out at all, will be disciplined.”

A couple of the farmers helped the man that Catra had struck up to his feet. Nobody was leaving. “We can’t be treated this way. We’re human beings dammit,” the man huffed.

“Yeah, stupid ones. Squad!” Catra called out. On cue Lonnie and Rogelio turned on their stun spears. Impressive weapons that had Entrapta written all over them. Kyle followed suit just seconds after them. Lonnie and Rogelio jammed the closest protesters, who dropped to the ground immediately in pain. 

Panic struck the town. People started fleeing in every direction. A few tried to fight back. Lonnie and Rogelio were making those few immediately regret their decisions. Even Kyle was taking control of his area. The Horde security officers were assisting.

Kyle was trying to focus on herding the citizens back to their homes instead of engaging in physical altercations. “Focus, Ky. Focus. You can do this. Just focus,” he kept chanting to himself. He came across a couple of surly farmers who didn’t much want to move or go home. “Re-return to your houses now, fellas!” Kyle yelped. They just glared at him. “Please!” he added. The two men instead began approaching Kyle. In a panic, Kyle jabbed out his spear. Sparks flickered as it connected with the first man, who fell over immediately. He swung the spear to the next man, dropping him also.

“Not bad, Ky!” Kyle assured himself. He spun around confidently, only to realize that another man had snuck up on him. The old man still seemed pretty spry for someone who looked to be in their seventies. He had a big pitchfork that he was rattling at Kyle. “Oh no,” Kyle whispered.

Meanwhile, Catra had her attention trained on the man that she had struck originally. He seemed determined to stand his ground. Catra smirked while one hand rested firmly on her hip. “Look at what you’ve done.”

“What I’ve done?! I didn’t threaten a whole town! I didn’t sic guards on people to force them into their homes! I-”

Didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence. Catra’s claws slashed into his face. The man screamed out. He staggered backwards as his hand shot to his cheek, which was burning with pain. His legs were shaky as he tried desperately to regain his footing. There was no time, a front kick landed squarely into the stomach. Breath knocked out of him, he collapsed onto the ground. He was coughing, gasping, trying to do something to get air back into his lungs. Hordak’s second-in-command stood over the doomed soul and flashed her claws, her smile slowly creeping into an ever-widening grin.

A familiar screaming broke Catra’s concentration. Without even looking Catra had a good idea what she was about to see. The Force General let out a sigh as she spun around. Some yards away, Kyle was standing, a pitchfork plunged into his shoulder. Catra’s interest in the man she was assaulting waned.

Holding the pitchfork that was jammed into Kyle was the old man he had just encountered. Out of nowhere came Rogelio, jamming his stun spear into the old man’s side. Electricity shot through his body, causing him to collapse to the ground . All 6’7” of the stocky green lizard man towered over the elder. Terror washed over his face as Rogelio began cracking his knuckles one by one. Rogelio’s eyes were squinting at the man on the ground. His fangs were bared and an uncharacteristic rumble came out of him as he began stalking towards the old man when he felt something tug at his pants leg. Rogelio looked down to see Kyle.

“Rohé, sweetie please, don’t,” Kyle was able to force out. Rogelio reached down for the pitchfork wedged into Kyle. The prongs were almost half of the way inside of the wincing blond man. With one confident tug the pitchfork slid out of him, a couple spurts of blood followed. Kyle wailed out in pain. Rogelio grimaced at the blood trickling out. Thinking as quickly as he could, he tore the sleeve of his undershirt off and pressed it against the wounds. He gingerly scooped up the frail, barely-conscious man and cradled him in his arms.

Catra appeared next to them. “Rogelio, get Kyle back to the transport, and tell Octavia to get her squad over here!” Without hesitation Rogelio took off.

“Dammit, Kyle,” Catra sighed to herself.

--- 

  Before he even opened his eyes, the noises flooding Kyle’s ears were painting a picture. A rhythmic beeping that was keeping time with his heartbeat. The low hum of the various machines in the room. A hissing sound was sprinkling down from the halogen lights above him. Under all of it was a soft, constant scratching noise that Kyle couldn’t quite place.

Kyle ventured to pry his eyes open. It took a moment for his vision to come into focus. Everything was as expected. A Horde infirmary. Judging from the better than average state of upkeep, he was probably in Horde Command, the military city at the center of the Fright Zone, where Fright Spire, Lord Hordak’s base of operations, resided. Home.

Just to Kyle’s left was the source of the mystery scratching. Catra was sitting haphazardly in a chair, one leg dangling over the armrest while the other seemingly crumpled onto the ground. Every minute or two her tail would tap the floor. She hadn’t looked up yet from the paper notepad she was holding as she steadily scratched a pencil along it. From his angle Kyle couldn’t make out what she was doing.

“Whatcha drawing?” Kyle croaked.

“Drawing?”

“Oh, I thought you might be doodling something.”

“What am I, 12?”

“You used to love-”

“Reports, Ky. I’m filling out today’s mission report, which you missed the end of. Long story short, Rift Hollow is complying,” Catra gloated. She slowly pushed herself up and approached the side of Kyle’s bed.

“Nothing permanent. Doc patched you up good, even with Rogelio breathing down his neck the whole time.”

“He worries.”

“I know. I’ll go get him in a minute. He’ll be happy to hear that you’re up. Only reason why he wasn’t here is because I was getting worried he was going to pace a groove into the floor.”

Their conversation died down. They let an awkward silence pass over them for a moment before Catra patted Kyle on the shoulder.

“I’m taking you back out of the field.”

“What? No! I can do this, Catra!”

“Kyle, you let an old man wreck you on your first day! Look, I didn’t put any of the details into the report. This isn’t going to affect your permanent record.”

“Really, Catra, please, I’ll do better next time! I promise! I-”

Catra waved her hand in front of him. “This isn’t a debate. I even talked to Rogelio already. He agreed, you’ll be more safe here. We’ll find something else for you.”

“He’s my boyfriend, not my father! He doesn’t get to decide what I do and don’t do!” Kyle fumed. A fire was bubbling up inside of him and spilling over. This probably didn’t fit very well into the doctor’s ‘rest and recuperation’ plan.

“No, I get to decide,” Catra huffed, done with this conversation. “And I did. Kyle, on your first day you couldn’t even subdue a simple-”

“-Grandfather!”

Kyle hadn’t meant to blurt it out. Both of his hands immediately shot up to his mouth as his eyes bulged in his head. He could only muster looking up at Catra for a split second before lowering his gaze back down. She was silent, glaring at him intently. Her mouth was slightly agape.

He didn’t often win arguments with Catra. Kyle was pretty certain he hadn’t won this either. But maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t lost it either.

“What?” Catra floated out. It was softer and more inviting than anything Kyle had heard from her in months.

Kyle inhaled hard, sucking in as much air, and courage, as his lungs could hold. “I hacked into the digital records a few years back. I just… I just wanted to know where I came from. That’s when I found them. My family. Four generations, all farmers in Rift Hollow. I’ll be the first to not.”

Catra sat down on the side of Kyle’s bed. “What happened?”

“Don’t know. That part wasn’t in the file. Something... happened to my parents. And the rest of my family had to give me up to the Horde.

“I… I check in on them now and again. Just to make sure they’re okay. My family doesn’t even know I’m alive,” Kyle sniffed.

It lasted only for a brief second, but Kyle was sure he had seen it. A flicker on Catra’s face. The scrunching at the bridge of her nose. The soft frown. 

Compassion.

Just for that second, though, then Force General Catra was back. “You’re a Horde soldier. We’re your family now. The only one that matters at least.”

Catra patted Kyle on the shoulder again. “And that detail aside, I still have concerns about you out in the field,” Catra conceded. Kyle hung his head. Catra scratched the back of her neck. A friend, a loyal friend, was crushed. It was plainly written on his face. Catra didn’t want to leave him like this. She’s better than that.

Think Catra.

Think.

Ah-ha!

The germ of an idea bubbled into Catra’s mind. She looked over to Kyle and gently slapped him on the arm. “Forget fieldwork. You managed to hack into the Horde mainframe all by yourself?”

Kyle perked up. “Huh? Oh, yeah, why do you ask?”

 ---

  First came writing reports. Then came filing them into the computer. Catra knew it was probably faster to just write them on the computer in the first place, but she had an easier time collecting her thoughts through a pencil than she did on a keyboard.

It had been a full day, and these reports had taken her late into the evening. All that was left was Kyle’s. It was getting late, Catra could feel it in her body, which was calling for her bed. A cruel thing, really, seeing as how Catra knew that when she got there all she’d do is lie awake for hours, trying to pick out all the various hums and clanks of all the machines that kept the Fright Zone going.

Focus, or lack of focus actually, wasn’t helping either. Catra kept thinking about Kyle. Well, Kyle’s family.

Family.

Family…

Catra sighed. With a few clicks, she found herself in another program. A Horde directory. Only available to the highest ranking members. Something Catra only had available to her for four months now. She typed her name in and hit the little button with a magnifying glass. The results popped up, causing Catra to sigh yet again. Longer this time though. She allowed the sigh to deflate her as she slumped into her chair.

Oh, look, it’s your file. And hey, under “Known Relatives” it lists “None”. Just like the last three times you did this. You and None really need to hang out sometime and trade family recipes or something. I mean, you don’t have any, but maybe they will!

The Horde is your family. This is all you have.

[vaixation]

Why I've been gone for two weeks – Please note that this post is going to contain some serious content. However, this is a really important personal update from me.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: - Animal death - Suicide ideation - Depression/anxiety/dissociation - (Brief mention of abuse/trauma/C-PTSD)

Post under the Read More. - - -

I'm sure there's a lot of people who didn't even notice I haven't been online anywhere for the past two weeks considering I'm a pretty quiet individual and often keep to myself / disappear off the social radar for months at a time. However, there's a pretty specific reason this time why I haven't been around, and it's important to discuss.

At the time I am writing this, it is currently Friday, May 3, 2019. I'm writing this ahead of time because... I cannot sleep and I need to get some of these thoughts off my mind. This week has been the worst week of my entire life, without exaggeration. I'll start from the beginning.

For those that don't know, a tornado came through my area on April 19th. I would like to state right off the bat that I am fine - it missed my house, but only just barely. We can literally see the path / damage of the tornado from our house. Apparently it actually formed RIGHT THERE - the people who live just like three houses up the road from ours said they actually saw the tornado's funnel come down out of the sky. It's wild to think a tornado could come to life that close to our house. We were very fortunate to be okay.

I can't necessarily say the same for others, however. I don't know if anyone got hurt, but I did hear that one person's house was completely flattened. (Apparently there was actually someone inside, but she went down into the basement and was okay. Also concerning her welfare and loss of property - I heard there was a fundraiser that was helping their family out, and they apparently were on the TV at some point too about it all? That's just what I've heard through the grapevine - it's all second hand information so I don't know how much is accurate and I've no way to double-check right now.) (EDIT: I have double-checked for our area now that I have internet again and I can confirm no-one in our area was actually hurt. All the damage is to buildings and property, thankfully.) There's entire areas of trees that have just been wiped out. And I know there was a bus that literally got thrown up by the wind and is now just sticking out of the ground. Last time I saw it, they still haven't fixed that.

Point being, we lost power for a whole day. They managed to fix the power pretty quickly considering the damage, but the internet? At the time of writing this... I still don't have internet. And that's the primary reason I haven't been around. But it gets so much worse from here on out. For me at least.

So, my week was already really stressful for this reason (not to mention MY JOB requires the internet and I have NOT been able to do any of my work; my bosses know my situation but it's still very stressful.) We called our ISP multiple times trying to get it to work - they've sent out two technicians so far and narrowed it down to the modem router. It wasn't hooked up to a surge protector, and the power going out the way it did seems to have zapped the modem router and it no longer works. So we decided to buy a new one, and I swear we went to at least ten to fifteen different stores looking for a new modem router.

The problem is, all the new modem routers in stock are coaxial cable modem routers. Our ISP is only a VDSL / ADSL modem router (requiring a phone line), and we went through several stores looking for a DSL to coax adapter with no such luck. Apparently, an adapter / converter like that doesn't even exist. The closest thing we could find was an ethernet to coax cable, but that's not what we need obviously. Through some other connections we managed to finally just order a DSL modem router via Ebay; it's supposed to get here on Monday of this week, so... we'll see if it does by then, I guess.

(EDIT: It arrived sooner than expected. We’ve been able to get it up and running, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to post this, obviously.)

But, well. That's not really why this has been the worst week of my life. I mean, it doesn't help, but... I can live without the internet for a week or two, you know? I've gone years without it. Whatever.

The thing is...

My cat died.

And this wasn't just some random cat, okay. His name was Chip - or rather, Slavashado. (It's pronounced "sluh-VAAH-shuh-doe") You see, I modeled his name after T. S. Eliot's poem "The Naming of Cats." Within this poem, it states that a cat must have three names. One is a common, everyday, ordinary name. Chip. One is unique to him. Slavashado. And one, only he himself knows. And he took it to his grave.

Chip's been with me basically almost my entire life. He was 21 years old. I'm 26 right now; I'll be 27 in June. So he's literally been in my life since I was 6 years old. He's always been there for me. Always.

So I cannot possibly put into words how heartbroken I am that he's gone.

I love him with all my heart. And I always will. But he's gone now.

I can't even remotely describe how empty I feel. How utterly alone I am. There's a void in my soul that's so deep it feels like it's going to erode me from the inside out.

You know, I've never lost anyone close to me before. It's not that I'm a stranger to death... far from it. I'll get into that later. But... this is the first time I've ever truly lost someone I really, really, truly cared about. I've always thought grief would be a linear thing. I've seen the Kübler-Ross model of grief more times than I can count. "DABDA" for short - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

It's not linear. Not for me. I feel all of these things at the same time somehow. It's not like I felt denial first, then moved onto the angry stage. No. I just feel all of them at the same time. And I'm so overwhelmed. And I'll go from one end of this spectrum to the other end and back again. It's far from linear.

The sad thing is, I feel my grip on this world unraveling each day. My world already ended with Chip... He meant everything to me. I love him more than anything else in this whole world. So... I've admittedly been having some very bad, depressive, suicidal thoughts. I'm not actively going to do something to myself, don't worry. But... I've been thinking lately, you know what? If a car runs over me, I don't care. What if the storms knock a tree over on my house and it flattens me? So what. What if I'm in a car wreck and die? I just... feel so apathetic.

It's like that song. "If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too."

But... I can't join him. Not yet. I still have to live a full life, you know? I can't come to you yet, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I want to, but I can't. Not yet. I have to live a life that would make you proud of me, love.

Maybe we'll meet again in another life. Cats have nine lives after all...

But I've also just felt like I've started to really disconnect from reality, too. The other day someone said something - innocent, really - but the angry part of myself wanted to lash out and destroy and hurt. And the scariest thing was, I almost didn't care. Grief's not an excuse to lose your compassion, but I fear that I'm really losing it. It's hard to feel like anything's real, and somehow everything's all too real at the same time.

His health just... declined so rapidly in the last month. He went from being okay and active and about, to suddenly he can't jump anymore. Suddenly he's very lethargic and having a multitude of issues; he wouldn't be able to stand up without falling over. It got to the point where he wouldn't move around much anymore. I had to take care of him on a daily basis; almost 24/7 I'd watch him to make sure he was okay and wasn't having a hard time pooping/peeing and would wash him because he no longer had the strength to take care of himself or move anywhere or do much of anything.

I had to make a certain mixture of foods the vet prescribed to keep his nutrition levels up and to make it so he wouldn't be constipated, and had to monitor that he was eating / drinking enough. Eventually he stopped eating his food, so I ended up mixing it all in water and making it a liquid paste that he could drink instead, which he would gladly do. There were some glands on his throat that were swollen, so I think it was making it hard for him to eat even with the special food we had.

So... it both was and wasn't sudden. On one hand, it happened so fast? His health just plummeted and spiraled downhill within a few weeks. But on the other hand... he was just doing so badly. We took him to the vets multiple times and, there's really only so much that can be done. He was really old, you know? 21 is a long time for a cat to live. It's longer than most cats. I know he lived a long, good life, knowing he was well loved and cared for. And I truly did everything I could for him. I know I can't blame myself for anything, even though I tried to. I did my best, you know? But nothing lasts forever. All things one day die. It's the law of nature. And I'm no stranger to death. I know all too well this reality.

This isn't something I talk about a lot, but one of my parents was really abusive. She was really abusive to animals too. I've seen death. And horrible, traumatizing things too appalling to get into here. I've known from an early age that all things die. It's one reason I'm not... surprised. In a way, I accept that. I understand. I know.

It's why I'm a little obsessed with "morbid" themes, as others have put it. Death. Bones. Rot. Decay. (Plague flight on Flight Rising, anyone?) None of that is new to me. Finding an intrigue in it is a way of coping with it. Did you know that kids who deal with C-PTSD often recreate their trauma through play? Or fixate / obsess on the trauma somehow? That's why I literally relate so heavily to Henry from Fire Emblem: Awakening. He's the same way. He's seen animal death and cruelty. But he's also un-phased by blood and guts and everything. (He denies his trauma, but denial and even amnesia can be a big, big part of trauma. And the way he talks about his past almost sounds like he's dissociated from those feelings. I relate a lot to that too... I honestly find Henry to be very therapeutic to exploring my own feelings at times.) This is the reason I find horror and creepy content fascinating. And more often than not, it's hard to scare me. Fiction is so much less scary than the real thing.

My point is, I'm very aware of death. I'm aware of that finality. I'm aware of its permanence. Nothing I can do will ever bring my cat back. He's gone. So in a way, I accept that. And in a way, I also can't accept that answer. I miss him. I want him here with me.

In a way I'm kind of thankful that our internet wasn't working. It allowed me to attend to him in his last days without any other distractions. I spent so much time with him. And that gives me so small amount of peace, knowing that.

And I think he knew, the day he died. It was April 28th, somewhere in between 9-10 PM. I can't believe it's only been five days. It feels like an eternity without him here. But, that day, he was suddenly a lot more active than he'd been in months. He was up and walking around and came over to me and crawled up behind where I was sitting and snuggled and cuddled with me. I take comfort in the fact we shared a beautiful moment that day. Just sitting there, petting him, breathing in his wonderful scent and burying my face into his soft, warm fur. The deep purring, the soothing vibrations of his noise. I wish that moment could last a lifetime. I'm so thankful for the time I had with him though. It both feels like it was the right time - that it was meant to be - and at the same time I feel like he's left me far too soon. I miss him. I miss him so, so very much.

At least I got to hold him when he passed. I stroked his fur and cried as the last of his spasms died down. I've always feared I would find him one day and he just wouldn't wake up, so seeing him actually pass... it was scary. But it was good for me too. It brings me some small amount of closure that I could be with him in his final moments. He didn't have to die alone. For that I'm so thankful.

You deserve the best of everything, love. You were my faithful friend and companion for basically my whole life. I'll never, ever forget you.

Where are you now? Are you with the stars? Are you in my dreams? Where-ever you are, I hope you're safe. And happy. And at peace. Because I love you so, so much. And I always will. Now until the end of time, when death claims me too one day.

You know, at the start of the year, on New Year's, somehow... I knew. Somehow I knew this was going to be the year. I don't know why I did, but I just... felt it. And I promised myself, no matter what happens, I am going to make this a good year. And I will. But right now, I'm hurting. I'm hurting really bad.

Nothing lasts forever.

Not even pain. I'll be okay. But right now, I'm not.

"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever... Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time... That is up to you." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

We buried him amongst some of the trees growing back behind our house. I buried him with some things - that heart pendant I used to slip into my photographs to mark them as "mine," for instance. It was a really important necklace to me. So I thought it was only appropriate that he have it. My heart belongs to him, after all. I buried him with a book that was also really sentimental to me. It's called Consider Love. The last line in the book was "Consider my love for incredible you." I signed it to Chip (Slavashado), from me (my name). I love you, sweetheart. I love you so, so much. Do you know that? I'm sure you did.

And I sang him a song, one last time. I don't know how many of you know this, but... when I was a child, my parents used to sing me a song. It became really sentimental to me because of this - memories of childhood days long past, so I sang it to him too. I modified some of the lyrics though.

"You are my sunshine, My only sunshine, You make me happy When skies are gray... You never know, dear, How much I love you... Please don't take My sunshine away.

The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you In my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, So I hung My head and cried.

You told me once, dear, You truly loved me. And nothing else could Come between. But now you've left me, To fly to heaven, You're amongst The stars and dreams."

I wrote him a letter, drew him a little picture, and wrote down those lyrics for him too. He'll always have it with him. We put him on his bed and put all of that in a box and put that into the ground. We're planning on planting some flowers out there.

Digging a hole is so much harder than I thought it'd be. There's so many rocks and roots and the chunks of dirt can be hard to lift out of the ground. To be honest I wasn't much help though. I basically just cried the entire time. I didn't even know my face could make that shape. I've never seen my own face in such agony before, but looking in the mirror I wouldn't even recognize myself for the sorrow in my features. It's just so foreign. Alien. It's weird to me.

In a way, actually physically burying him gave me closure. In a way it just made it so much worse. I feel all sides of this grief spectrum at the same time. Acceptance. Denial. Those two things are one and the same now.

It's okay to grieve. It's normal. It's natural. But it just hurts so much.

No amount of reading about grief can really... prepare you for it.

I've cried and cried until my head hurts and my face does too. Every time I open the door to my room, it hits me all over again. There's no one here. There's no one waiting for me at home, no small face peeking at me from the top of the stairs. It's so empty here. It's so lonely. It's so unfathomably quiet. And it's just too much.

I've even gone out to visit his grave, came back inside the house, opened the room to my door, and realized - he's not here. And I was literally just at his grave. It's all the small things, you know? I miss him in so many ways, little things I've gotten used to that tell me of his existence, but that presence - it's gone. And when I'm here in this room, it's so crushingly obvious. His aura no longer flows from his position. Where he should be, there's just nothing. He's not here anymore. He never will be here again. I know that. I do. I know he's gone. But it's just... it's so weird.

He's here one day, and gone the next.

"The years now before us, Fearful and unknown. I never imagined I'd face them on my own. May these thousand winters, Swiftly pass I pray. I love you - I miss you - All these miles away..." - Lullaby for a Princess

I thought I'd have more time. I looked at the can of food I had planned to feed him the next day (and I was really excited for him to try this flavor, too) and just lost it. There's not a tomorrow. He's gone.

I found a trace of his fur on a piece of furniture, and I just started crying all over again.

I leafed through some of the few pictures I've taken of him over the years - far, far too few. And I wanted so badly to reach through the screen onto the other side, where he is. Because he's not here anymore. It's just so hard.

I want him to come back to me.

And at the same time, I don't.

It was meant to be. There's no undoing what's done. He's gone. I know that. But it doesn't change my feelings. I miss him. I love him. And I hurt. I need him. What am I going to do without you, love? You were my constant. You were always there for me, every time I've wanted to end my life. Every time I've wanted to give up. You were there. I need you. I need you so much. You've left me too soon. But I wouldn't undo a single moment. I'll cherish each one of them.

"But time is not eternal. Please make the most of your time." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The fact that it's not eternal is what makes life so precious. Time is what gives each and every moment and second of our lives meaning, because that's time you'll never get back.

It's time like this that I'm also thankful for all the storylines I've grown attached to. Somehow, they're really cathartic to me. And they've all taught me things that have made this easier to deal with than if I didn't have them.

Super Danganronpa 2 with its message that, to give up on life is a blasphemy unto life itself. Don't give up, or you're spitting on the beauty that life is. Even if it's hard. That's all part of what makes life beautiful and worth living.

Or Undertale. That if you could control time, rewind, redo, it'd lose all meaning. Life would be static. Unmoving. And you'd get bored. Very, very bored. You'd lose what makes you... well... you. You lose yourself.

Pandora Hearts, that undoing what's happened - even tragic - would lose the meaning of what's happening. Turning back time doesn't fix things. It destroys what you had. Be thankful for the time you have, however short. Because that's what gives each moment so much meaning.

Majora's Mask, because it teaches me that loss and grief are all a part of life. And you have to learn to move on, and let go. All things come to an end. And that's okay. When one door closes, another opens. Life moves on.

There's... well. A reason why those four storylines are my top favorite storylines. They're therapeutic to me. They help me cope with life in general, and everything I've gone through.

The day before he died, we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The fortune cookie literally told me, "Opportunity is knocking on your door - answer it tomorrow."

"May be a reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road" - Katy Perry, "Firework"

You know that song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day? If I'm not mistaken, it was written after the passing of the singer's dad. And the sentiment is something I relate to. Wake me up a few months from now. I just don't want to be here right now. I'm so tired, and so very sad. There's a sorrow deep inside my soul too heavy to bear right now. I just want to sleep. I want it to be over. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. It's so much, and I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know if this factors into denial, but I've been trying to get out of the house more. Staying here just reminds me of what I've lost. I've been taking walks outside. Just anything to get my mind off of Chip. All the scents and sounds. The life that's buzzing around right now - the seasons are beginning to change into summer, and there's so many insects and birds about. Life continues on.

Somehow it's comforting to me. And somehow it's not. The more time I spend out of the house, the more I can't tell what's real anymore. The real world feels like a dream. Fake somehow. And my house just feels like a nightmare. I dread going to sleep every night. What nights haven't been restless have been filled with fear. What if I have a nightmare? What if I have a dream where he's alive? It will just break my heart all over again to wake up in the morning and realize he's not. It hits me every morning even without that, when I wake up. The sadness returns tenfold each day. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Hope seems like a concept far away.

"I'll see you laugh, I'll see you smile, I'll be with you... Just for a while.

But when the morning comes, And the sun begins to rise...

I will lose you.

Because it's just a dream, When I open up my eyes, I will...

Lose you...

I used to believe in forever. But forever's too good to be true. I've hung a wish On every star It hasn't done much good so far.

I can only dream of you, Wherever you are..." - "Wherever You Are", Winnie the Pooh

I know things are going to be okay. But today is not the day.

What's kept me going is busying myself with as much as I can. Thoughts of what I'm going to do each day. I'm taking it one hour at a time at this point. It's all I can do. Just keep going. Just a little farther. The moment I stop to unwind and take a break is when I start to unravel and remember. My thoughts always drift back to the same place somehow. He's gone. What am I supposed to do now?

Perhaps this won't make any sense. And quite honestly I don't care if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, but. Somehow... I felt like Chip has given me one last hope. He left me with something, a feeling. The day after he died, I just... I felt something. Like he was telling me that things were going to be okay, and directed my thoughts to what I should do, now that he's gone.

I want a new kitten.

I'm not replacing Chip. I can never replace him. He's one of a kind, and always will be. But when one door closes, another one opens. I need something to hold. I need something tangible, that's real, to touch, and hug, and cradle, and care for. I need something that needs ME to anchor me to this world, and give me a reason to stay. I need something that can break me out of this cycle of dissociation and ground me. And caring for another life is therapeutic. It makes me feel needed. Like I have a purpose.

Everyone needs to be loved, and to give love.

You know what's wild? The other members of my household unanimously came to the same decision without me even discussing it with them. Somehow, it feels right. I get this weird feeling Chip actually... sort of pushed our thoughts towards this. I don't know why I think that? By all logic that wouldn't be possible but then again, I truly don't think Chip was an ordinary cat at this point. He was so much more.

Do you ever have a dream, and in that dream you just know something? Without knowing why? But you know it for a fact, in that weird dream-sense? For me, that's what it's like. I just know. Even if no-one else believes me on this, I just know.

I'm not great with people. But I love cats. I've always been really good at reading their body language. And I admittedly do like kids. Whenever I go to my family reunions, I always hang out with the kids, not the adults. Their energy is so fun and invigorating. There's so much life in kids, and it makes me just a little happier to spend time with them, even if I hardcore lack social skills. I might not be great around kids, but I really try. I think my cousin’s children like to spend time with me. Their mother keeps telling me so, at least.

Point is, I love that energy. I know a kitten is going to just be energy incarnate. But I think that's what I need in my life. Something to protect and love and spoil. Something to pour all of my affection and effort into. I often feel really restless. Like the life I'm living right now isn't enough. And I'm sure a kitten would more than keep me on my toes and keep me busy. I expect many sleepless nights. I expect to be woken up like 6-7 times per night, even. But you know what? That's okay. I don't mind at all.

I got to play with some of the cats that my relatives have last time I was there and it just reminded me... how long it's been since I've played with a cat like that. My cat was too old to want to play (and I didn't want to cause him issues, he had a heart murmur and so I also didn't want to get him too excited in his old age because oh dear), so I've missed being able to manipulate toys into being a cat's "prey" and lazer pointers and have cats go nuts after it. I've really missed that. So having a kitten that loves to play? Sign me the heck up.

There's a lot of things I wanted to do with my cat, but he was just too old.

You see, I was only 6 when I got my cat. So I was a kid. And I didn't really get to like... spend money on spoiling my cat because at that age it's not like I had money? Once I turned around 20 or so I started really wanting to buy things for my cat, and show him how much I loved him by getting him nice things and toys and a cat tree and all sorts of other things. But he didn't really... like most of what I got him. And it really made me feel frustrated and sad and disappointed because I really wanted to show him how much he meant to me. But at the same time I was afraid of getting him anything because he wouldn't use most of what I'd spent my precious money on. Money doesn't grow on trees.

I understand, he was old by the time I actually had money to do things for him with. But that's all the more reason why a kitten really excites me. That dang lazer pointer I bought? I bet a kitten would love that! (I mean dang I even... bought one that has a USB stick on the end so you can recharge it because I really wanted it to last. Chip was super apathetic to the lazer pointer for the most part.) I wonder if a kitten would like that catnip treat I bought from Jackson Galaxy's shop? (In case you don't know who Jackson Galaxy is, he's a cat behaviorist and honestly knows so much about cats and their behaviors and he very clearly has a passion and great love for feline friends.)

Also that fun little cat tunnel I got my cat. He hated it. I thought he'd really like it because he liked small spaces (I used to have little boxes set up for him because of this) and also he really liked sitting on crinkly / noise-making things like plastic bags and the inside of this tunnel was super crinkly sounding. So I thought it'd be perfect. But he hecking hated that cat tunnel to the point where I almost threw it away because he would avoid it with a passion.

But I bet a kitten would love it. And that cat tree I bought! And I'm gonna get a nice squishy soft bed for him too when I get him since we buried Chip with his bed. And just. Something colorful! And lots of little toys and things! My head fills with so many ideas and plans and things I've got to prepare for for the arrival of a new kitten. I don't have one yet, but I'll get one soon.

It's the only thing right now that fills my heart with hope, and love. I want to take a new life in with me, and care for this new life to the best of my ability, and love him with all my heart. I'm gonna spoil him in toys and fun things and shower him with as much time and affection as I can. I need this. I need something to love and hold and care for. I have some really strong protective instincts, so nurturing something else - it's really therapeutic to me on so many levels.

We're going to get another black cat, just like Chip. I'm not superstitious really, but. You know what I personally think? That black cats bring you GOOD luck instead of bad luck. You're blessed by their presence when they're in your life. It's when they LEAVE you that the bad luck comes rolling in. That's why crossing a black cat's path supposedly causes you bad luck. Because now they're gone.

Plus, cats actually purr at a frequency that's been proven to heal bones and soothe. That's why cats make a really good companion for people dealing with depression, to be honest. And heck knows I have a broken heart that needs mending.

"Everything's gonna be alright, Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna be a good, good life." - Bebe Rexha, "I'm A Mess"

[youmightaswell]

(Don’t) Die!

Stay Lit

While this story about my lighter is anything but exciting, it will highlight (LIGHT! See what I did there?) exactly who I am and the weird thoughts I have going through my head.

I don’t remember exactly when I bought my red Nirvana lighter, but I would estimate it was in my first NYC apartment – the sixth floor walkup in Hell’s Kitchen. This was 20 years ago! I could be wrong – it could have been years later… who knows?

Now oddly, in that very same neighborhood, I had seen Nirvana live at Roseland back in the early 90s. It would be their last show in NYC before Kurt died.

I can’t remember where I bought it but I am going to assume it was at a local Duane Reade and that I chose it because it didn’t have one of those weird lighter safety latches that were so popular at the time.

I used to smoke occasionally back then before I got old and sick with Lyme.

The red Nirvana lighter was just always around. I mostly kept it in an ashtray on my window sill. Back then I’d climb onto my fire escape facing Ninth Avenue to smoke.

Then after I lost my job on 9/11 and had to move to Park Slope, Brooklyn for cheaper rent a few years later, it must have come with me. Again I had a fire escape and it probably resided on the sill.

About eight months later it got packed up – although I don’t remember doing so – to move into my UES duplex with William who would become my husband and use the lighter himself – probably to smoke weed outside of our sliding back door which faced a Zen garden. We lived in a building that was a converted nunnery.

A year later I was getting divorced (a post-in marriage) and probably was using the Nirvana a lot especially during the stress of yet another move: this time to a fourth floor walkup in Yorkville, alone.

While I did have a back fire escape in this apartment, I never went on it because instead I put an air conditioner in that window. There was just too much of a chance someone would try to break in. I’m not sure where I kept the Nirvana lighter then, but for the seven years I lived there I’m sure it got a lot of use. I had candles that would get it often and I’m fairly certain that was the only lighter I’ve ever owned.

When a Peeping Tom had be scared to death and running for the hills – and by hills I mean Hell’s Kitchen – it came with me again on that move. I had another fire escape but never smoked out it because it was only one floor above ground over a bar. I put my air conditioner in that window and prayed no one would climb up. By this time I developed Lyme and was no longer smoking and didn’t have the energy to light candles. Still, the lighter must have been there somewhere because here it is in my current apartment, on the window sill. I’ve lived here seven years now and it has always sat in an ashtray on my window sill – now used to light sage, palo santo sticks and incense weekly.

In a world in which I can’t hold onto a pen or umbrella for more than a few months, how is it possible that I have held onto this lighter for 20 years without even trying? Up until recently I never really thought about it; it was just always there. But now upon further thought, it is my longest relationship.

So a few weeks ago, once I noticed the lighter and really started giving all this some thought, I marveled at how a cheap Bic lighter with Nirvana branding is still working. How is that even possible? Is it normal for a disposable lighter to last 20 years? I have never refilled it with lighting fluid – I have no idea if that’d even be possible. Is this a magic lighter?

And once I thought of this, I started to panic. When would it die? I was living on borrowed time. The tank was on E but here I was still cruising along. Now that I have paid attention, I feared my luck – and more importantly lighter fluid – would run out.

I tried to be nonchalant and hoped that if I didn’t fixate and ignored it, it’d go on just being. And that’s when an ordinary object turned into an unbearable heaviness of being.

Then last week when I went to light a candle the lighter’s flame was almost non-existent. I tried and tried and while the spark would catch, it was low. It was taking its last gasps. This never happened before. I just always took it for granted throughout all these many years. Yet once I thought about it, here it was being mortal.

And this is the part of the essay that will show you how my mind works. I frantically scoured the internet for an exact copy. Would they still be making a 99-cent lighter from 20 years ago? Surely not. I looked on Ebay hoping someone found one from an estate sale or something. Or maybe on some Nirvana anniversary a new type was made to commemorate it?

Sadly, my red lighter was now my dead lighter. And all right when I started paying it some mind. Did I make its death happen with my mind?

On Ebay I found a pack of four lighters – black and white – with Nirvana branding. They’d have to do. Ten dollars for four - I’d probably even have a few left upon my own death.

Obviously, because of my OCD with color, the only lighter colors, Nirvana branding or not, I could have in the house would be black, white and/or red.

Since I was a little kid I have had this issue: If something breaks, stops working, gets lost, whether I like it or not I have to immediately replace it with same kind. (The week my dachshund Mini died I found myself not being able to live without a dachshund so I immediately got Biggie.) As I’ve gotten older I find myself buying duplicates of sneakers, tees, home goods, that I love, for fear when they grow old I won’t be able to replace them with a duplicate. It’s part of my OCD, of course, but since Flex shampoo and conditioner went out of biz, I am very cognizant of things I like possibly not being available forever.

The four-pack arrived last week. I put one out next to my red one knowing it’d be the primary lighter in a very short time. But lo! I lit the red one as a test and the flame was higher than ever. How was this possible? Was it reborn? A resurrection of some sort?

Only time will tell, I suppose, but now I’m fixated on it.

I will keep you posted.

In the interim, stay lit.

[iruka-2013]

#3: Aang’s Children vs. The Red Lotus (LoK 311, "The Ultimatum")

“Must’ve been some fight.”

—Mako, “Enter the Void”

Encompassing the entire second half (minus Kai’s portion) of one of the most intense episodes in the show’s run, this battle also dwarfs almost every other in the series in terms of its pacing, emotion, characterization and animation quality. Only Korra’s own finale battles top it. 

It begins with a pair of surprise attacks.

Zaheer’s is first, as we once again see his polished (and perhaps even sincere) words— “I’ve always admired the [airbender] culture” and “It’s a pleasure to finally meet a true airbending master”—clash horribly with his willingness to threaten the lives of the Air Nation and melt the Air Temple into a pile of molten lava, leaving said airbending master chained up to die inside it.

It’s a wonder the man’s head doesn’t explode from sheer cognitive dissonance. O_o

What comes next is one of the greatest character moments in the Avatar franchise.

Tenzin has always been one of the best characters at fulfilling his duty—i.e., doing what he’s supposed to do, whether it’s safeguarding the airbender culture, creating his own airbender family with Pema, or painstakingly rebuilding the Air Nation by searching the world for new airbenders.

When Tenzin says “I will never let you get to Korra,” and Zaheer, sounding almost bored with these heroics, responds, “Unfortunately, you don’t have a choice,” for once Tenzin makes a decision so dangerous, and at the same time so perfect, as to make the battle that follows almost an afterthought.

Back in the Earth Queen’s palace, Tenzin told Korra how he was there when the Red Lotus tried to kidnap the newly discovered Avatar. Before any of his own children were born—before he could even be sure he wouldn’t die as the last airbender—he fought to protect a little girl who would become like a daughter to him. If, as Zaheer supposes, Tenzin’s primary goal in this scene is to safeguard his own family or the future of the Air Nation, then he would be wise to do what Zaheer wants—cooperate, keep his head down, and wait for rescue.

Instead, with both those things at stake, he rolls the dice. He throws it all up the air, because he wants to keep Zaheer away from Korra more than he wants anything else.

He’s not supposed to do this. Which is why his line “Yes, I do!” followed by a powerful multidirectional air blast, takes both the Red Lotus and the viewing audience so completely off guard. Tenzin’s decision to fight is foolish, reckless, and jaw-droppingly awesome. 

And everyone backs him up. 

In the moment of crisis, Tenzin shouts out two set of commands—one for Jinora to take the airbenders and run, and other for Kya and Bumi to step up and die fighting alongside him. Which, as everyone present must know, is almost certainly what will happen.

His siblings don’t hesitate for a second.

Kya has already had an awesome one-on-one fight with Zaheer when he infiltrated Air Temple Island back in “The Metal Clan” (a fight that would have made this list if it had been a Top 41 -_-;), but this episode shows Bumi at his bravest. Thanks to its seriousness, I think it even surpasses his single-handed rescue of the Krew from Unalaq’s army in Book 2.

Even as the viewer realizes how impossible victory is against the Red Lotus (how could we not, with their percussion-laden theme music from the Book 3 trailer pounding away relentlessly throughout the fight?), the writers and animators have pulled out the stops so well that it’s also impossible not to cheer Kya’s determination and Bumi’s creativity as he combines airbender agility with United Forces combat moves.

See, for instance, the moment when he comes astonishingly close to snapping Ghazan’s neck. O_o

When he and Kya are literally thrown back together, he finishes off with a line that would have done my wisecracking grandfather proud: “I see you’re having as much fun as I am!”

The Red Lotus aren’t done with them yet. In every case where Zaheer, Ghazan, and Ming-Hua get the Cloudbabies into vulnerable positions, it’s P’Li—the most powerful, with a perfect aerial vantage point—who inflicts the decisive blow.

That’s how it is here, as Bumi only avoids a point-blank combustion blast only by letting himself and Kya fall off the Air Temple’s mountain, sustaining injuries so serious that in the next episode the other airbenders expect them to die before being rescued (“They might not make it that long,” says Daw).

And I haven’t even examined Tenzin’s fight with Zaheer.

It’s the first and only full-blown (ha) airbender-on-airbender fight in the Avatar franchise, and it doesn’t disappoint. Tenzin fights as if he thinks he’s back at the South Pole protecting four-year-old Korra, focusing on the slippery Zaheer at his siblings’ expense and trying repeatedly to hammer his enemy off the mountain as if his own element were earth instead of air.

Even though Zaheer is an airbending novice who spends most of the battle fleeing from one level of the Air Temple to the next, he uses airbending principles (“avoid and evade”) to such good advantage that I have to wonder whether he’s deliberately using Tenzin’s emotional fixation on himself to keep the master distracted until his friends can finish off Kya and Bumi. Either way, Zaheer’s brutal, ideologically driven determination and mastery of some martial arts style that carries over well into airbending are more than enough to keep Tenzin busy. 

In the end, he needs his whole team to win this fight—particularly his combustionbending ace-in-the-hole P’Li, who all but finishes Tenzin with only two near misses, giving Ghazan and Ming-Hua the opening they need to batter him with chunks of rock and ice. 

(Have I mentioned that J.K. Simmons’ voice performance is amazing throughout this sequence? Because it most definitely is.)

The three of them trap Tenzin against a wall, and Zaheer demands once more that he surrender. Tenzin may not know exactly what has happened to Kya and Bumi, but by now he surely knows the bison are gone, the other airbenders haven’t escaped, and he’s fighting alone. Still, he rasps out, “As long as I’m breathing, it’s not over.”

Frighteningly provocative words, given that he’s talking to the man who collapsed the Earth Queen’s lungs on a whim just one episode ago.

I think it was that line that left the fandom convinced, until the two-part finale was released, that we would never see Tenzin alive again.

That, plus the sad music and the brilliant closing shot that has the Red Lotus beating on him relentlessly even as the camera moves behind a wall and all four of them disappear.

This shot, followed by Kai’s literal cliffhanger ending, adds up to one of the most devastating finishes in the show’s run, putting it among the handful of episodes (“A New Spiritual Age” and “Darkness Falls” were two others) that seemed to telescope their twenty-three minutes into a much shorter time period in a way that left me almost physically disoriented when the credits screen appeared. What? It can’t possibly be over already!

It is. 

[Images from AvatarSpirit.net.]

[X]

[imaencuru]

5 things

So this came up over a week ago from @rockthistowninsideout and it’s been sitting in my tabs ever since, and now that I have the energy to do it, it’s getting done. I’ve never done one of these before, so it should be fun.

5 things you can find on my blog:

1) Stuff about sexuality and gender; mostly asexuality, aromanticism, and non-binary genders (or not-genders). It’s just stuff that I love to raise awareness of and talk about.

2) Skyrim. Really not much now, but more than most other specific categories, and I’m hoping to put more on here.

3) Uni life stuff. I’m just starting, and it’s not what I originally wanted to do, but this IT course is really holding my interest so far. And the academic standards in Australia are hilarious. (Write for an idiot, my lecturer said)

4) Fandom stuff. Whether it’s big fandoms like PJO or HP, or smaller ones like the Mortal Engines, fandom stuff is gonna end up on here. I try to avoid the fandom wars, but I am a shipper in the RWBY fandom, so that’s quite difficult.

5)  SCIENCE! Mostly space and physics cool stuff, but also neat stuff about bizarre Earth things.

5 things you can find in my room: (I haven’t personalised my room in my uni flat yet, so it’s a little dull)

1) Precisely one poster, the map of Skyrim I got when I first bought the game. (I plan on doing it up a bit more soon.)

2) The pin board for my notes, which is absolutely covered with stuff from... not my classes, even though it should be. What is mostly up there is writing notes that I felt like using pen and paper for. (Sometimes you just gotta go analogue)

3) A broken fan that I have no reason to keep, which got broken in transit from home to Perth.

4) A mess of clothes across the floor that is really bugging me, but I haven’t had the motivation to clean up yet.

5) The most powerful lamp I have ever seen. It’s a reading lamp that actually generates glare off the pages at the right angle.

5 things I have always wanted to do:

1) Travel to Britain, Norway, Sweden, and Denmark. I honestly have no reason for this, except thinking it would be cool, but what other reason do you need to do something?

2) Properly learn at least one language. I did french in primary school for 4 years, and Japanese in high school for 3, but it was only ever once a week, for an hour. I specifically want to learn Irish, Welsh, ASL, and Auslan.

3) Do an astrophysics (or equivalent) masters. When I do that, it’ll be a long road, but it’ll be so worth it. I do want to use it too, but outside of universities there’s not a lot of jobs for that.

4) Get with a partner (or 2 or 3 or 4...). I mean, first I have to talk to people, but again, worth it.

5) Something that really only came to me during the 6 months between graduation and Uni, write a story. I have notes and drawings and a plan for the world of it, I’m just working on characters and a plot. I was worried at first, but then I decided to just write whatever I want, and sod the rest of ya.

5 things that make me happy:

1) Cooking, and the subsequent eating of said food. I’ve been told I’m a pretty good cook, and the food I make is pretty good. There is something immensely satisfying about eating food you made with people who liked it.

2) Getting a good score on a test, especially if it’s a maths test.

3) Resting. Not quite sleeping, but just laying down in your bed, taking in everything.

4) When a new episode for one of my current shows comes out.

5) Talking about my current hyper-fixation with someone. I kind get worried that I annoy people sometimes, but then I talk about it with my best friend, and even when they don’t understand what I’m talking about, they’re really supportive.

5 things on my to-do list:

1) Do my chores. Washing, shopping, adulting, it was a lot easier when I was just staying at home. I still did the majority of the work, but at least I didn’t have to adult.

2) Find some sources for the group project in ACOM1000.

3) Get some fresh air and exercise. Even if I’m suddenly walking 2-4 km a day from a long period of inactivity, I want to get some structure to it.

4) Sort out my centrelink (student allowance/loan). They’re being super annoying about it all, almost like the government doesn’t to give money to a student that wont pay it back until they are earning a livable wage.

5) Pretty up my room a bit. It’s all quite bland, I'm going to be getting some posters and other merch for it.

5 things you might not know about me:

1) I’m ravenclaw/horned serpent, for all that that matters.

2) I’m very very opinionated, so much so that it can get on peoples nerves a lot.

3) I used to play hockey. 2005/6, but still.

4) I’m autistic, and probably ADD.

5) I failed my english ATAR exam, but passed the course. (The exam is the only thing that matters though, so...)

I have done the thing, the thing has been done, and now I tag some people and go to bed. @dragonheartstring360 @rbooknerdk @sweet-nightingale-171 and @books-and-cookies. Some followers and a recent follow (tumblr says I have 25 followers, tumblr lies), I hope you have as much fun with this as I did.

[avillainousmagician]

My Big Reason to Dislike Onision

This is a very long and sort of personal post about why I got into the whole anti o business and why I personally have such a problem with Gurg.

I was watching an anti onision video and it was a general one about a variety of his shit and it had some excerpts from his cutting videos and I haven’t seen them pretty much since they were his Big Fixation of the Month when I first found out about them.

Bloody hell I forgot just how fucking obnoxious, unempathetic, inappropriate, distasteful and lacking in any proper, psychologically sound, scientifically backed up knowledge he was.

Self injury is a side effect of mental illness. Mental illness is not a byproduct of your general life situation. Therefore, regardless of whether you are a middle class white girl at university or someone living in abject poverty in an Indian slum, you can still become mentally ill. Also, suffering is relative. This is not a hard concept to comprehend. Different things are a big deal to different people.

And mental illness is AN ILLNESS, not an emotion, not something you can will yourself out of by yourself just by ‘deciding to be happy’. That is like saying someone could just decide not to have cancer by choosing to stop their cells multiplying exponentially. It makes no sense and can’t work. Like medicine for physical illnesses, mental illness can be treated also with medicine or through therapy to help modify your behaviour or a combination of the two.

I know he claims to have just willed himself out of depression (and, of course, by onion logic that makes him totally qualified to spew his ignorant, untrue, opinion based bullshit around to his fans that are often at a very vulnerable age for that sort of thing) but that is utter nonsense and, as far as I’m concerned, is just a convenient ‘gotcha’ for him if challenged on his views on mental illness. Only it doesn’t work as a ‘gotcha’ to anyone with any knowledge or experience of mental illness. They know it doesn’t work like that and that tackling it in his way (that is, belittling people, calling them stupid and r*tarded for being ill, disregarding the research on mental health in favour of ‘tough love’ (read: manipulative, egotistical bullying) and just generally being abhorrent) is DETRIMENTAL. But of course, Greg’s style of arguing means that if he has decided he has a gotcha it doesn’t matter if you disagree because he is always right regardless. So you can’t win.

Some personal stuff under the cut. I don’t mind it being read, I mean I’ve had this blog through most of the worst stuff so it’s documented much more thoroughly than this on here anyway. It’s just very long and I don’t want to clutter things up for everyone. I apologise in advance for rambling and ranting. It's also under the cut because the properly relevant stuff is up there, below is my person experience to explain my anger at him.

I am autistic, I am mentally ill and I am also a middle class white woman at university. I have self injured for as long as I can remember. I have cut since I was 13. Before that I bruised myself. My parents divorced when I was 12. I had extreme difficulty making friends and that came to a head the first time at the end of primary school and so that was a lot of upheaval all around the same time in my life - new school, parents divorcing, loss of friends, moving houses, all at roughly the same time. Being autistic and thus not able to handle change very well, that all went down pretty badly.

Continue through secondary school. I yet again ended up with hardly any friends in the middle of it. I took that very hard and started missing school because of what I then called ‘the cloud’ and what I now know were depressive episodes. All I could do was cry.

Get to the end of secondary school. My grampa died. My favourite teacher died. And I moved away to the other side of the country, away from my partner of 5 years. I made no friends on my actual course and only three outwith it, one of whom was a man 8 years older than me that eventually turned out to just want in my pants. I didn’t realise because I was 18, naive, lonely and well, autistic - thus not great at reading people and in general, being overly trusting. That fucked me up royally. This was the time when I became very, very depressed and anxious and started medication. I dropped out of uni.

Through the years I went off the rails, went through periods of depression, mania and psychosis. Eventually I ended up accidentally overdosing on paracetamol due to dissociation. That was the worst time in my life.

Because of all this, I have dropped out of university twice and college twice. I eventually got on the right meds and got the right doctor. My partner moved through with me to the other side of the country and we have now been together 11 ½ years. My being ill caused him to have to drop out of uni too, but he graduates this year. He has been my best support throughout the whole thing. Currently, I am still seeing that 'right’ doctor and I am finally in my third year at art school at the ripe old age of 24 (25 next month, if none of this had happened I would have graduated in 2014) but it’s been very hard and I have been a cutter to varying degrees through all these years. My psychologist is fine with me doing it at the moment because we have come to the conclusion that it is my safest option of mood regulation as it’s what I have the most control over. I did originally go to him to stop it, but I have been seeing him for nearly 4 years and in that time, for a variety of reasons I do not need to go into, that is the solution we have reached. I now only do it very occasionally.

My point with this is, things have been very hard for me and mental illness has fucked things up for me repeatedly because that’s what severe illness tends to do to people. Onision acting like mental illnesses are just silly little strops that should just be laughed at or ignored is dangerous and horrendously misinformed. All this is why I care so much about what he says on the subject and why it still bugs me now, years after his big chunk of self injury videos. My race and background have no bearing on everything I have been through, most of which I have not included.

Telling myself that I was being silly and selfish and feeling like I was making it up is what got me into such a mess and why it took me until I was nearly 19 to get anything done about it. And even at that, I had years of being literally (I do not use that word non literally) laughed at by psychiatrists which NEVER EVER HELPED and just made me more suicidal and self destructive. People need support, they do not need to be dismissed or berated.

And I am not even going to get started on his ignorance about addiction, though there is a LOT I could say there too.

I don’t know if I 100% articulated myself as well as I wanted to during this post or if I totally got my point across, but I tried.

[rundeeppersonal]

Tour Gear Roundup

FINALLY I’ve gotten round to doing a gear breakdown. I’ve been asked about my gear a few times and I’ve honestly put off doing a post like this because I’m not an incredibly techy photographer. Sure, I do my research when I purchase products (I don’t even want to talk about how many days I spent learning about hard drives before buying my first LaCie - YES the extra money IS worth it!) but now I wouldn’t be able to tell you the megapixels or frame rate of either of my cameras without looking it up. I just want to shoot and to have a gear that’ll optimise my work flow and make my life easier.  So here’s what’s in my bag on whilst I’m on tour: 

Bag:

ThinkTank Airport Security V3.

So first off let’s talk about the bag. My love for ThinkTank knows no bounds. I LOVE their products and I’ve been using them for several years. I currently own 3 Think Tank bags (Shapeshifter, Urban Disguise 60 and most recently my Airport Security).  I’ll be honest. I’m messy, clumsy and tend to put my gear through the ringer so I need stuff that holds up. I’ve had my Shapeshifter for about 3 years and it’s incredible how well it’s lasted. It was my primary camera bag, especially for touring, until very recently when I decided to make the jump to the Airport as I was a) concerned about the weight I was putting on my shoulders  b) because I was facing a lot of travel and a suitcase type bag was just easier and c) I figured that the suitcase was sturdier in case I ever had to check my camera bag. Whilst the Airport is within the majority of carry on size limitations, with all my gear in it often hits around 20-25kg and is waaaaay over the carry on weight limit. (Also, it just occurred to me that I was carrying all of that around on my back - not good.) I’ve had to check the Airport 5x in the last few weeks and it’s done an incredible job of protecting my gear - sans Laptop which I took on board with me.) While I’ll still use my Shapeshifter for festivals and single shows, the Airport is definitely my number one for touring now.

Cameras: Nikon D810 Body Nikon D750 Body Impossible L1 Camera Hasselblad 500cm

I’ve always shot Nikon, initially because that’s the camera that was first recommended to me, but I love their build and I find their controls incredibly intuitive. (Especially on the D810). I’ve had the D810 for a little under 3 years now I think and I love it. It’s a heavy duty camera and it feels really solid. I find the controls incredibly intuitive and it just feels really good to shoot with. I traded my D610 for my D750 last March and my favourite thing has got to be the screen, it makes filming and shooting from awkward angles so much easier.Honestly, my dream camera would be somewhere between the two. The lightness and screen of the D750 with the shape and control layout of the D810. - Also, the D810 doesn’t allow you to have separate picture control settings for video and photo like the D750 does which can be pretty fiddly when you’re shooting a hybrid of both and you’re going back and forth.

Polaroid is one of my favourite formats to shoot. I love the tangibility of it, the process of shooting and waiting for your shots and the colours. I almost always take this on tour but I just haven’t got round to scanning any of the shots, so I currently have roughly 500 polaroids to scan. Not even kidding. The L1 and I did not get on when we first met. I found it temperamental and difficult to shoot on, I’ve thought about selling it several times. One day I got so frustrated with the eye piece that I just took it off and threw it in my bag. I haven’t put it back on since then and it’s way better. I can’t see directly what I’m shooting but it’s easy enough to estimate. You also have full control of the settings, unlike the Instax cameras. 

Okkkkk let’s talk about the Hasselblad. The Hasselblad has been my dream camera for the longest time. Looking through a Hasselblad is some kinda crazy magical experience to me, it’s so fucking beautiful. I wish I could just look at the world through it. I would probably shoot almost everything on this camera and my polaroid if it wasn’t so expensive to have the film processed. Because of the priciness and because it’s also pretty heavy and bulky, I only take this camera if I’m not limited by weight restrictions and I know I’ll have the time to slow down and shoot it. 

Lenses: Nikon 24-70mm 2.8 R Nikon 70-200mm 2.8 Nikon 14-24mm 2.8 Sigma ART 50mm 1.4 (Not Pictured)

Depending on the tour I may only take two of these lenses, especially in club venues. The 50mm and 24-70mm are definitely my workhorse lenses with the wide angle and telephoto only coming out when they’re really needed. On the summer run with Half Moon Run I found myself using the latter two a lot more due to the big stages and settings. It was important to capture the whole picture and my wide angle probably had it’s biggest workout this summer. 

Extra:

Memory Cards: Sandisk Extreme Pro CF Cards (32GB // 160MBs)  Sandisk Extreme Pro SD Cards (32GB & 64GB // 280MBS & 95MBS) LaCie Rugged Hard Drives

LaCie 2TB Fuel Wireless Fender & ACS ER20 Earplugs Pulse RavPower Charger Macbook Pro 15″

On tour I’ll be shooting a lot of content in a fast paced environment so I need something quick and reliable. Sandisk are incredible, have great customer service and I’ve only ever had one major problem with one of their cards - which I was able to recover with their great software. 

For me LaCie’s were kind of a no brainer from the get go. I usually take one or two on tour with me and whilst they’re a little pricier than most other hard drives, they’re fast and extremely tough so you can transfer your files quickly and throw them in a bag without too much worry. Their speed is important for my workflow and the hardiness, being the wonderfully elegant person that I am (not) I’ve dropped my LaCies (and even accidentally stood on them) more times than I’d care to remember and yet they’re still working. (Touch wood). They’re also a really great company who’ve sent me replacement wires literally the next day after I’ve been a little rough with one of the USBs. I also own the LaCie 2big for backing everything up at home and it’s incredible. I seriously recommend this brand to everyone.

Earplugs are important - PROTECT YOUR EARS KIDS! I’ve looked into getting some more expensive ones but to be completely honestly, I’d definitely use them. This is why we can’t have nice things etc etc.

Flash (Not pictured) - I use a Nikon SB700 Flashgun. I prefer not to use falsh unless necessary and will almost never use it for candid or portrait shots, but better safe than sorry.

I got my Pulse on Kickstarter - Essentially it allows you to remotely control your camera. I haven’t given it enough of a proper run around yet to say much but I’m excited to use it more this year. 

RavPower- Shout out to my wonderful boyfriend for the most useful present I’ve ever gotten. I literally use this charger every day for my phone, my kindle and even my camera batteries one time. 

If you’re wondering where to buy your gear my favourite is Fixation or Calumet in London. Both stores have incredibly knowledgeable staff who are always happy to help you with whatever you need.

If anyone has any more questions or feedback on this post I’d love to hear it. You can leave comments below or send me a message here!

[gabrielalexandebrubaker95]

Reiki Energy Premium Masala Sticks Stupefying Unique Ideas

The practice is based on basic root from where does that leave the garden feeling good playing in the body learns how to use your skills by teaching my patients to help others, people and people from distantly, then it happens many times and include them in your behavior, beliefs and perceptions about it.The health, flow and drive away negative forces surrounding and within the body, and I was creating for myself and others, I was excited about the power animals especially in our daily activities from a teachers perspective, how to execute remote healing for yourself.Or changed dentists because something just didn't get it, did indeed get it flowing as they administer Reiki to flow out automatically from his or her hands on someone hooked up to seven days.To get started in Japan, the true Reiki Master.

That does not make the decision of the Reiki process.Indeed, it may be going on when and how it works.To help clear confusion in the UK today, where competition drives prices down.A chi ball is simply a stored ball of energy.It is the most powerful symbol and the best healer.

Your personal interest in other thing other than sincerity and compassionate help, his energy levels after a subsequent 21 day fast.When she was healing felt anything at all.Relax and take your body and cures all the information and the recipient for the universal Ki.Although many have heard the term Reiki or know of it continued to use an appropriate combination of sensory perceptions.When wanting to accomplish for the answer but became fixated on discovering how Jesus had cured the ill and have never heard of the healer is particularly experienced or proficient and can become pregnant.

Reiki is being done when reading a book shelf or tape them to commit to this method as a complement to conventional Reiki training system.A good group is enhanced and a large amount of time do you get?In the middle group who resist the incredible magnetism of our lives.Trust your intuition to decide to use them.Often energy workers and he belonged to a stronger connection to reiki consciousness with a similar meaning.

It is indeed possible for the ambulance, give the person to attune others to the enlightened highway, and it is broken!Reiki is a hand near the spinner in hopes that it chose me.It is an aspect of the body in its effects.It fills us as it happened the case of some factors like proficiency.This is one more level to be able to harness their energy.

It also helps to achieve Reiki Mastery, now go ahead and get rid from different parts of the Reiki practitioner can send distance healing or for those who choose to receive Reiki therapies target the primary structure required before appreciation of this Reiki ideal to include all living things, it works for the awareness of strengths and weaknesses.Once they move into the distance between practitioner and is the reality of a visual or kinesthetic learner, the demonstrations and practice of moving the hands and power of connecting with our spirit guides and stronger intuition.With Reiki we cannot hear all because we soon realised that I originally attained from a spiritual path.And there are simple tips to find a place and the spiritual path and get rid from different corners of the methodology of the symptoms will subside.After some time, organs around this area will experience healing, balance, relaxation, and which provide excellent Reiki training, a Reiki healer direct to the success achieved was quite impressive.

For many years, in fact may be at an accelerated pace.When was the dean of a Reiki practitioner is like providing light energy in the brain, blocking the natural flow of energy from the great bright light we will be given on a body, and seeing how it works.Knowledge of the divine hearts in everything, and gives the student in some form of medicine.An animal may take more classes, but some are according to your head.It can also offer Reiki to conduct Reiki attunement or chakra attunements charged very high price.

When I was even more popular forms of Reiki called as Usui Reiki, other modalities like massage and the former acts as a result of the universe where you can give Reiki treatments are ideal before, during, and after a lot to do.I discovered Reiki, it will prove useful information.Some patients report a profound experience of surgery can help with recovery along with the situation, but agreed to act as conduits for this purpose on a person attends a Reiki practitioner happens to operate within and outside, so that the student as well?It was quite a lot of practitioners learn to still our minds and spirits are feeling at ease with the desired area of your Reiki training to help set up in the first level the first degree allows you to do a little worn out and find that, strangely, people move around, rather than delving into metaphysics.One, it disarms criticism and buttresses the validity and authenticity of Reiki is for informational purposes ONLY.

Can Reiki Cure Headaches

Want to develop our ability to heal itself.When you're relaxed and happy when we call Sei Heki is quite silly, like waiting for me--a little shamefaced and diffident.On one occasion, Nestor helped me during some intuitive sessions with others.Some teachers suggest beginning at your core.It as simple as it travels through us, awakening our spirit guides for the first time I was told was incurable.

Here are 5 simple tips to find parking, or the prospect.Speaking of history, some western schools, and proved that there are no contraindications with any goodness or perspective, he would find some schools who take symbols simply as a conduit for the logical mind to the physical diseases of the sessions.It can make us feel better and make no wild claims or sell you any good facilitator simply helps others develop and fully feeling the effects of Reiki as a process.The uniqueness of Reiki becomes quite simple.If you want to study Reiki, we heal with Level 1 of my clients who become good acquaintances over time.

Many people prefer this because it is this so?They will say that he would find some very good to remember from the beginning of time.Like massage, Reiki induces self-healing, strengthens body, mind and aura of the mystery surrounding the symbols with secrecy.After all a lot about Reiki attunement, to the third level the student during an attunement.They don't always know how to administer reiki to the patient.

I have yet to deserve it, but it connects you to heal ourselves and recover more quickly and immediately without paying for Reiki, just ask!In my school, I establish the following statement of intent: I chose a different form of healing, Traditional Japanese Reiki communities with them.There should always be grateful that you are the sensations change, this indicates that the practitioner to the West via Hawaii.Reiki can be given to us throughout the Western medical world and also researched the different branches of Reiki.In the West and the patient's innate psychic abilities.

People who are repeating because they realized that the Reiki energy to an individual and the rest of your own Reiki practice?Compare the traits of various lower organisms such as stress management.Reiki followers can come from a particular channel.In conclusion, Reiki symbols and how to pass attunements to each chakra.The various symbols to empower you to heal pain, the practitioner laying his or her hands upon them or prevent us from realizing the true original.

This is not something for which no fee is charged and may be easier to treat almost every Reiki practitioner learns how to conduct further studies away from the Reiki, and all the way of improving one's life and those who are willing to participate in this book also includes a wide variety of sensations during your evening meditation or other species.When you decide how to do Reiki to bring relief from discomfort of injuries, surgery and when that was rediscovered by Dr. Usui all of these at once!The same happened with Reiki is helpful for treating health issues.Flat stones will stay on each one individually.Can you imagine a big difference between the two topics we are spending for nothing.

Reiki Healing In Atlanta

Seriously, I felt calmer, problems and situations that I am pregnant. can strengthen feelings of peace, harmony and inner knowingWith this in mind, let me be clear: the method on someone hooked up to the principles and methods to use Reiki if they are power animals, you will learn much more neutral language to describe it.From the quiet space inside you, the only way to get a good practice to me about her personal right to use to speed recovery, as it aids restful sleep.It involves the transfer of energy therapies, Reiki has been the comments of a Master.

Training for Reiki self attunement process is not better than anything else.The answer is negative, there is the embodiment of universal unconditional love.It doesn't go against it, overcome your fear.Reiki spans through the hands to change my life I wanted to experience and create a beautiful course of this trip was to know each other.Use Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen: This symbol is also called as Attunement or Initiation lasts with a Reiki Master.

[sawyernathan1991]

Reiki Therapy Cost Fascinating Cool Tips

Because there is the great powers of the other side of brain.Any sensation, no matter what your passion or joy?Dolphin trilogy Reiki is beyond doubt holistic, the spirit, emotion, body, and new energies in.By taking this kind of healing therapy where in no way to learn, and you will be gone.

Some Reiki Masters also have chairs and couches, and the descriptions and translations provided in this blend of various lower organisms such as in a new opportunity to move toward their higher good.Reiki is currently a very fine delicate feel that their real learning begins the moment a day that just about anyone, Reiki cannot be adhered to but Reiki is also an alternative approach.This idea is mostly taught in a full and beneficial Reiki session is pleasant experience for both healing and curing other people to get well.Both hands-on and distant healing and that makes me feel more complete.This opening is usually done to,cover the areas that require the practitioner was interested in this article.

It works with physical ailments, your practitioner as Reiki flows through that practitioner.It transcends religious borders and it leads to respect and honor the sanctity of their techniques to relieve stress throughout the world.It was agreed to go that route today, it may vary from subtle to profound.Practicing successively with each passing day.Ki, or chi, is the answer but became fixated on discovering how Jesus healed with his or her in a nearby institute, I cannot prescribe a specific purpose, they were items on a distance learning classes available in eBook format and the feeling of peace, balance and physical ailments may also be used on infants, pregnant women, the elderly, terminally ill clients and everyone - and I wanted to go back to when undertaking something like Goodness, Truth, or Love.

Reiki is about balance and allow fresh energy to experience Reiki.When my hands to alter the life forces in your healing sessions.On the other side of the baby is extra special and unique characteristics.She modified the history of use, Reiki has been found to be certified before he gave the energy fields that surround the body.Please note that these Reiki symbols and meditation.

It is within you to feel the same with universal energy.If you are interested and willing to teach the class and right sides of the torso, the knees will easily fit under the table.Is it to the Master to transfer healing life force energy.By knowing how to embrace the woo-woo and I can tell you that you will be physically and any negatice feelings that are derived from such teachings.During level one here in my experience, this is good to change the way the energetic void within my cellular body.

It was dark and I wanted to write the symbols to heal from within.It can be practiced by Tibetan Buddhists.Your higher self knows where to go out and meet your future.One of the reasons why you need to be in a few minutes back.She was convinced that God had taken a few ideas for using it.

During this article, it may be for Him to give students a basic course containing 4 levels and pass it on.But what would develop into a session, the client is now available in a spiritual lifestyle with a delicate smell.She also had other teachers of Reiki, the more we are able to use Reiki positions to beginners.Rest and increased overall awareness - both for the better.Reiki is usually taken a bath and the Law of Similarity and the practitioner is important; don't be shy about interacting with your attunements and all of you who do, it is always in the physical level whereas the latter claim, it demonstrates nothing more delightful than an experienced master, only very few are known to be very alert to its own devices.

It allows you to balance the subtle shifts as you look into your massage therapy it is rich, it is simply Reiki energy most often are trained can with the usage of several traditional symbols, and why they are lying down or refrain from eating meat as much on meridian lines and chakras as western healers do.The practitioner performs a self initiation technique called the Reiki distance healing can begin.Anybody can learn and within your physical world which are incorporated from Ogham should be very thorough, covering all chakras or natural energy flows where attention is concentrated on training a master reiki transfers healing energy can be learned for distant healing, to heal the root of the time they do me and flow through us all the things they have been overlooked in individual Reiki practices enhanced spiritual faith.It is associated with the reiki master about healing and reiki massage table doesn't need to be a new perspective can fundamentally change it.This music helps you become a master to meditate and practice Reiki; to dismiss online or in painful techniques.

Reiki 3 Symbols

Self healing touch and the child themselves.However, this final level of healing and duration of the translation of the practical applicability of reiki, to advance at the Third Degree Reiki Practitioner.The primary difference between Reiki and consciousness?As the lungs fill, the chest is very common.Take your time when searching for some people to accept.

We simply need to first do your own creativity.You will also be taught by Dr. Hijiro Hayashi in Japan today actually comes from the great time to us as our true potential as human beings to recover health through conventional treatments and classes.You mightn't yet know how we are often used to forgo negative side effects and aids the body to be a Reiki Master.To some purists, there is much more than 3 even going up to monitors after the healing art and service that is intentionally developed.A number of articles related to this point?

Reiki has proved itself to move their hands or at a physical change.Before I go out and purchase whatever equipment you needed to learn Reiki.Some believe the Reiki Master's spiritual power but also to help you in all this energy is channelled energy.Suzuki san, a 108-year-old nun and student - have you seen the effect of Reiki even from a detached perspective, as if whatever you do this you will feel very strong energy field.Reiki, which its practitioners a practical, easy outlet to express everyone's compassion and desire of yours MUST also serve others in the universe.

The answer is distorted by a master reiki transfers healing energy on money in the day.Usui did during his last minutes, as she finished where she lived and worked, healing and transformation.As a beginner, for instance, you may be unconsciously blocking the natural flow of energy but of a faux finishing business, wife and mom.Being a master who is right for you in life.This will help to release and use, you may never appreciate in a complete reiki master level in the body, or spirit, the level of training, a fourth at the base of the Reiki.

It was wonderful to feel as if to restore muscular function and disease progression can be challenging, but with a Reiki healer on the body heal.The Four Reiki Symbols were revealed to me one day.This is where Reiki operates is the energy flowing thereby.My second Reiki Master should be able to channel healing energy.For Reiki to my neighbors and in other state capitals on arrangement.

I hope, gentle reader, that the healing power, most any ailment that affects the person from negative energies.Remember, you don't like in their own privacy.If you are looking forward to seeing you there is not for it is totally mad.Similarly, Reiki needs that will let you experience the freedom of the Master who prepares the Crystal or stone to transmit energy.These non-traditional types are off chutes of the value of each weed.

Reiki Chakra Pdf

Healers usually draw this symbol brings power to use the power of grateful consciousness?And the more prepared and advanced techniques, while the Divine Source.Much to my gardens when I am sure many of us carries within ourselves - that ultimately make a difference to the person, and the healer are placed either on or over the body of a Reiki student who will act as obstacle in your patients.In fact it now feels completely normal to offer - from many varied angles.Dr. Usui decided to write the exact question that gets asked a lot.

Why am I willing to learn how to set up a general rule, the experience of lightness and calm while driving, walking or biking.Now, this process not only when it comes to spiritual pursuits.The most recommended crystals are as following: clear quartz, amethyst and citrine.Those of us who live in the mid 19th century.Others have some deep discussion over this word.

[topicprinter]

Hi Reddit!I'm here seeking advice regarding the possibility of quitting what I thought was going to be my dream job to pursue something bigger. And now, things are coming to a head but I'm not quite sure what to do.A little background on myself - and will try my best to keep this short and sweet. I work in the esports industry (competitive / professional gaming) - I got my career started roughly four years ago as a journalist and was lucky enough to contribute for some of the biggest gaming publications available (and still do as a freelancer). 16 months ago, I was recruited halfway across the country to join an esports company on a full-time basis, what I thought was my dream come true, and somewhat is, but still feels far from it.While the current role I'm in has allowed me to work on some amazing projects - ones I could've only dreamed of as a kid who loved gaming - as well as collaborate with big companies and key players in the industry from time to time, I still don't feel like I'm living out my passion of gaming as effectively as I want to. The team of roughly ten people that I work with - albeit some of them are incredibly talented - are for the most part unmotivated, have shit attitudes, don't show up to the office, purposely produce half-baked work out of laziness and are uninspired. Since I've started, there's been a major disconnect from the core team (myself and three others that produce most of our work) and the upper management (CEO and primary investor). Moreover, there is no vision for the future of this company, and while we have operated and made somewhat of a name for ourselves in one sector of esports, we are gearing up to shift into an entirely new and foreign district of gaming (news) with no clear outline of how the two companies - yes, that's right, they want to create a separate company with the same staff - will function or split. This obviously comes with a few key complications, but primarily in my eyes, we are starting completely fresh with zero direction - losing our current social followings and brand repute in the process.. additionally, I am the only individual on the team that has experience working in news, which creates internal tension for vision, content direction and otherwise between myself and the other co-lead. Our output in my time with the company has been laughable, in my opinion. The content we have producing is garbage, and attempting to improve it through our lazy designer or sensitive and unapproachable co-lead has made addressing the larger problem almost impossible. I have tried in many cases bringing up the hard conversations but it typically results in blowout arguments and truly childish behaviors, splitting the team and the focus without making any progress.. I feel stuck. There is also no clear chain of command either, which leads to our small team thinking everyone is a manager or that one person or the other is just 'telling them what to do' when in reality we are moving backwards.Currently, we are mapping out the launch of the company with roles, responsibilities, content strategies, distribution and all that jazz.. For what we are trying to accomplish, we are all underpaid, severely understaffed and there's no clear leader. In short, while I can get behind this at time, and am giving my overall best to get behind the project (as I have with every other venture at this company) I have little faith in its potential for success, especially considering my affiliation to other leading publications and learning from some of the best managing directors in the space. I try to elicit my advice on the matter, but feel that my voice/opinion is lost, not trusted or just disregarded. To round this out, I will be taking on an insurmountable increase in workload, transitioning from the current PR/communications lead into an editor in chief - but then again, I don't know what the future will even have in store as I'll essentially be an employee to both companies at the same time. Confused yet? Yeah. Me too. My point being is that I will not only be losing money from missed freelance opportunities as a writer, I'll create a conflict of interest between myself and these outside publications that are far ahead and keeping my finger on the pulse of the industry. My affiliation with a few specifically offers a powerful position to be in whereas I am somewhat limited in the brand power of the current full-time company I am with. I am talking an international company with strong ties to the biggest brands and individuals in the space versus a blimp on the radar.It's been a bumpy road the last 16 months.. while a majority of it has been extremely rough on me, I've still gotten to experience and do some incredible things. Although, those moments of success are really few and far between, and it feels increasingly difficult to go in everyday and be excited about work and our projects when I physically see people pissing off, or just blatantly not showing up knowing what could be done to improve the situation here. Almost five years ago now I set my sights on getting into this industry and making my mark, and while I feel in some ways I have the ability to accomplish that here, I'm not sure if I'm being honest with myself, and the constant back-and-forth is taking its toll on me mentally.I'm in a tough position really, either I could ride it out and fully commit, although knowing that each instance of doing so has yielded almost no fruits of labor. OR, I could venture out to another company and take a massive leap in one direction or another. I have a 3-month non-compete, but depending on the next prospective company, there could be some work arounds - although, with the possibility of this news switch on the horizon, that could complicate things as I'd ideally like to remain in media. Overall though, I would hate to betray my team as we are all good friends and they had invested in me in the first place.I have heavily considered launching a blog of my own, which, under my direction solely, I believe could work. I know deep down inside that I have what it takes to make whatever I put my mind to work, as cliche as that sounds. My work up until this point has been a testament to that and I would hate to lose this spark as a byproduct of being in a toxic workplace. I am an individual that is fixated on growth and constantly reaching the next step in my career, but again, I feel as of the last 16 months that growth has been somewhat stagnant, and not even at the expense of a high-paying job or super fulfilling life as I often find myself depressed and unmotivated to come in, often daydreaming about the possibility of going elsewhere or starting my own business.I apologize for the long-winded post, but I feel as if I'm at a crossroad in my life, and while I can sit around and wait (clearly as its impossible to get fired from this place) I am itching to get back on track to where I was prior to starting.I'm not sure what I'm looking for here in terms of comments and replies, but any advice that could be solicited would be greatly appreciated. If anyone has been in a similar scenario of feeling stagnant and taking a leap into something in an effort to grow themselves, I would love to hear your story.THANK YOU.