#Also glad I'm not the only one obsessed to the point of making playlists for a damn fanfiction lmfao

[luckydicekirby]

would love any director's commentary you may have on The Only True Thing if slightly older fics are on the table here bc lowkey it changed my brain chemistry forever. I read it on a whim like four years ago at 1 in the morning and ever since then I've been hooked on making all my fav pairings miserable for no reason. this sounds like sarcasm but I'm being completely sincere the schadenfreude is exquisite

okay first of all I’m SO glad to hear this because making your favs miserable is I think one of the most rewarding activities on this earth so I’m really glad I could help share that joy. thanks also to sylvain for just making it so easy. anyway, here’s some assorted thoughts, hopefully some of which are edifying!

(the only true thing for reference for anyone playing along at home.)

this fic affectionately named the darkling au due to this tweet which I feel like I should put in a hall of fame someday. anyway this entire thread showcases the origin of this fic which was me catie and lily bullying each other on twitter about sylvix, a pastime left behind in 2019 which i really miss.

the thing that really first made me Crazy Cuckoo about sylvain is his B support with Byleth--I'm obsessed with that moment where he very coldly threatens to kill you and then laughs it off, and that was pretty much the jumping off point for Sylvain's characterization in this au--what if he was like that all the time? answer: it would be bad, but also pretty sexy!

One thing I miss about writing for fe3h is the hero’s relics were sooo nice as like. shortcut symbolism. the lance of ruin comes preloaded for you! It’s familial cycles of violence! Easy! and there's a mechanic for it breaking ALSO preloaded into the game mechanics! I wrote like three versions of the ending and the lance getting busted moved around a bit--it originally happened a little earlier.

For a while when I was still femblempilled I was idly thinking about two sequels to this—a sylvain pov sequel about the war, which would have been fun but also Yikes, and then epistolary dorothea/ingrid ideological divorce fic. sorry to dorothea and ingrid who really get the short end of the stick in this universe.

oh there's a playlist. I can’t claim to have put a ton of thought into it it’s just all my fav bad ya boyfriend songs <3 actually dead girl walking reprise is like. yeah that's the fic.

ANYWAY. I feel like a lot of my commentary on this has been washed away by the sea (the passage of time) so a few extras. I apparently wrote like 400 words of sylvain POV of the training yard scene also? Last edited September 26th 2019, here you go:

Felix has always been smaller him, ever since they were kids. Still is these days, to Sylvain’s delight. He wondered about it plenty, these past two years--maybe Felix had a growth spurt. Maybe he caught up to Dimitri. Maybe Sylvain would meet him at the monastery and they’d see eye to eye. Of course they don’t. Felix is a head shorter than him, and he’ll never see things the way Sylvain does. Still. Sylvain thought about it. He’s had a lot of time to think about Felix since the last time he saw him, since Felix ran away. Still a crybaby at heart, no matter how sure he was he’d grown out of it. Not much has changed, Sylvain figures. Felix might have everyone else fooled with that delightfully sharp-edged exterior of his--a pretty decent feint, Sylvian should know--but Felix can’t hide from him. Sylvain sees him down to the bone. The two of them are a matched set: liars at heart.  Like right now. Felix is trying so hard not to cry, his back to the wall of the training yard, his grip tight around the wood of his training sword like he’s actually going to use it. Sylvain hopes he will. He hasn’t gotten to see Felix fight yet, really fight. He bets he’s gotten better. He bets he’s elegant and controlled—maybe less so with Sylvain, and wouldn’t that be nice? That’s how it goes sometimes, when Sylvain dreams about their last day together. Felix’s sword at his throat, biting and cold, ending all this before it began. It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Sylvain wouldn’t have had to spend such an awfully long time missing him.  He bets Felix could make him hurt. Nothing seems to do that anymore, except for thoughts of Felix, the ones he can never stop worrying at like a bruise.  Sylvain doesn’t want much these days, and maybe that’s why it’s so hard: he wants Felix in a way that aches, delirious and unstoppable. It doesn’t matter so much how. Felix is welcome to cut him open or kiss him quiet or anything in between. As long as he never stops looking at Sylvain like he is now, hateful and just on the edge of tears, so clearly focused on nothing else. As long as Sylvain can have that, the rest doesn’t matter.  That’s love, Sylvain figures; the cheerful facade he gives the girls is nothing. He forgets about a new one every week. But Felix? He’ll be dead someday, and Felix will still have a grip on his heart, as tight as he’s holding his sword and just as dangerous.

and what exists of the sylvain POV sequel I never wrote:

Felix looks like shit. Of course he’s also beautiful. He’s radiant, for all that his hair’s a mess and his face is drawn and he’s got the kind of dark circles that only come from weeks and weeks of exhaustion. He’s Felix, right? He can’t be anything else. “You look like shit,” Sylvain tells him, because honesty is what Felix thinks he wants from him. He hasn’t seen Felix in six moons, but that probably hasn’t changed. “What are you doing here?” Felix asks. His horse stamps her feet and shakes her head, moving uneasily under him. Felix has never been a good rider. It’s clear he doesn’t appreciate his mare, and she doesn’t appreciate him. Sylvain wonders how long Felix has been making his way across Faerghus like this. He wonders if he stole the horse. It’s awful not to know. “Looking for you,” Sylvain says. “They say you’re searching for the king.” Felix never could stop himself from chasing ghosts. Sylvain hates that about him. It’s just as unfair as everything else: it’s the only reason Sylvain is still here, after all.  “I am. And you should be defending Gautier territory.” “Got a message from your father,” Sylvain lies. He slides off his horse, patting her flank. Felix, clumsily, does the same. “He wants you to come home.” That part’s probably true.  Felix scoffs. “My old man can send all the messages he wants. I’m going to find the boar.” He means it. Sylvain can see that he means it, in the flinty look in his eyes, the fold of his arms, the jut of his chin as he looks up at Sylvain. It’s the saddest thing Sylvain’s ever seen, and he’s seen a lot of shit. “Felix,” he says. He reaches out. He can never help it, not when Felix is like this, not when he believes. Felix doesn’t flinch from Sylvain’s hand on his cheek anymore. “Sweetheart. You know he’s dead.” “Don’t call me that,” Felix says. But when he swings himself back in the saddle and Sylvain does the same, he doesn’t tell Sylvain not to follow. That’s more than good enough. 

[staycalmandhugaclone]

Hey! 😄 As you know I think about Doc’s Misadventures a lot (like that TikTok trend a couple months back, it’s truly my Roman Empire) and I’ve collecting songs that remind me of your series to a Spotify playlist 🫣 I hope you don’t mind it’s a bit all over the place and I’ll probably be adding new songs from time to time, but I just wanted to share it with you! Here’s the link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/081ToXeeTXvy2CAoywdbEk?si=_gDCQ2kES4GXVeGtOLmuDQ 💛🫶🏼

Omg this was AMAZING!! I don't use Spotify normally (aside from podcasts), but I was so damn excited and touched, and the songs you chose are SO PERFECT!! I tend to be pretty obsessive with listening to music while I write, so this was a lovely break from my usual playlist (https://tidal.com/browse/playlist/9936d9ee-c9d2-4cb4-bddc-9675e2044120 - this is my main one, but I have more for various types of scene - emotional, sexy, whump, etc).

(also, sorry it took me forever to actually respond - I totally listened to it immediately, but, between internet issues last week and just general distractions (which may or may not include me just binge writing), I totally forgot to share this)

[yanyanderes]

guess what!

I made a Yandere rottmnt playlists, it's like a Donnie/ Mikey team up >:) at least that's what i'm going for. I wanted to try and include songs that I don't usually see in other yandere playlists. I like to think that the bouncy sporadic songs are Mikey's emotions and mental state, while the more robotic ones are Donnie's ones, but that doesn't mean they can't be mashed together. Especially when it gets intense, It's still being worked on btw.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4SIsEk3ZUViUDg4AWsRI43

I will admit though that there are some versions of the songs that didn't exist on Spotify or didn't exist at all that are on youtube (and all of them are vocaloid songs, go figure), linked below.

I used to listen to this one on repeat when it came out, it's a BOP!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TPUsuJfxJs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKAwm92AyF8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd-iHw-ytNc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdSQ2VR6O44&t=44s

Also here are some song recommendations just because i like them c:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY8Ul2sDXZ4

Yandere 2012 Donnie? maybe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIvNh9jLhbI

I personally think this one fits 2012 Raph

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLJeoQS1GfM

Imagen singing this with Mikey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abm8eeeHuIk

aight i KNOW I CAN’T MAKE A COMMENT ON EVERY SONG-

well, i mean, i c o u l d , but i might make another post that’s too long, so i’ll comment on songs that caught my eye-

scary world (for rottmnt donnie and mikey): really gives me the vibes that they’re trying to convince (y/n) that the world is way too scary and dangerous for them. i can imagine it for both of them, but this one sounds more like a donnie song to me. mostly because mikey’s concerned with (y/n) actually being harmed by big, scary things while donnie kinda exaggerates things and makes them sound a lot more intimidating so (y/n) is more likely to come running to them for support.

dumb dumb x everybody likes you (for rottmnt donnie and mikey): mostly about jealousy. i think the “everyone is dumb” part fits with donnie most, and the “everybody likes you” part fits with mikey most. donnie sees the people (y/n) surrounds themself with and wonders why they chose them over him. he’s the awesome robot genius! they’re all just a bunch of idiots! and for mikey, at first, he doesn’t mind (y/n) having friends and is actually super happy for them! but then the crazy starts settling in and instead of “wow! i’m so glad they have so many friends” it goes to “why won’t everyone just leave them alone??”

notice me senpai (for rottmnt donnie and mikey): gonna be honest, i’m really biased because ihascupquake was my childhood and i would listen to this song on repeat all the time. even then, i think it’s a really good depiction of their obsession, and then when the girl snaps, i can see that being the point where donnie just straight up kidnaps (y/n), and then the happy part at the end is mikey trying to help (y/n) ease into the new lifestyle of the lair.

unrequited love and he who sleeps beneath (for 2012 donnie): this sounds like a song that would describe donnie after april rejects him or something and then he falls for (y/n) and descends into madness. slowly, he gets more and more obsessive, only to learn that (y/n) is in a relationship with someone else. bonus points if the person she’s dating is casey, or even better, april. sorry this one didn’t go into as much detail as the others, the song really just speaks for itself

daywalker (for 2012 raph): another song that speaks for itself. really good representation for raph being all brutal and basically looking for an excuse to go out and hurt someone.

punk tactics (for 2012 mikey): i’m imagining mikey’s been real grumpy lately because he’s jealous of all the people (y/n)’s been talking to lately, but they don’t need to know that so (y/n) decides to cheer him up by hanging out with him, and they end up singing karaoke. while (y/n) is enjoying themself, they notice how mikey is singing the words like he really means them. damn, he must really like karaoke night, huh?

anyways, that’s all my rambles, sorry i can’t cover all the songs, but they’re all really good! gonna have to add some of them to my own playlist lol

[yvesdot]

7, 23, 69!

7. David Guetta ft. Bebe Rexha - I'm Good (Blue)

I'm glad we got this out of the way first because I actually didn't realize that this was a controversial take (it's not; it topped charts in 20 countries). I have had two coworkers in the past week press me on this, including one who said, "so, when you're walking to work, you just think to yourself, 'I want to listen to I'm Good (Blue) by David Guetta?'" To which I said, yes, definitely, that's exactly the point, so I don't kill myself on the way there. And then the next day I had that exact thought and listened to it.

Even if that hadn't happened, I probably would have evangelized this song. I think the original is wonderful, and I'm glad it exists! This makes it easier to play in a party context, and it matches the lyrical content to what has always been the "feel" of the song. It also kicked off an unreasonable amount of pop songs trying to do what it did, which is impossible, because Blue (Da Ba Dee) is probably the only song which could be adapted for the better (or even neutral) in this way. It's just such a weird song. I like this version! Now the rest of the post goes under a readmore for my crimes.

23. Terror Jr. - Come First

I got my own, don't need to roll me a blunt Don't ask me questions like you care if I'm dumb (Oh?) Take my treasure in your hands Better get with the program I'll let you stay if you do something I like

Does anyone remember in 2016 when this random band emerged and people started speculating that the lead singer was Kylie Jenner? It wasn't, and that seems to have ended popular interest, but the songs were genuinely fun and bright, and I missed listening to this one. I love how the singer enunciates and the little "whoop"s, and the production seems to predict my later love for SOPHIE, whom I hadn't even heard of at the time. This was a good year for diving into my old obsessions.

P. S. This is why my mother is set at "Terror Sr." in my phone.

69. Olivia Rodrigo - vampire

You said it was true love, but wouldn't that be hard? You can't love anyone, 'cause that would mean you had a heart I tried you help you out, now I know that I can't 'Cause how you think's the kind of thing I'll never understand

Rodrigo is the new TSwift in many ways-- a young up-and-comer sold on her relatability and simple lyrics about betrayal by demonic ex-boyfriends-- and I am loving it. There's not much to say on this track that hasn't already been said a hundred times better; it's just plain a good song and GUTS was a very fun album.

send a number from 1-112 and I'll give you a song from my "looped in 2023" playlist!

[applesfallingfromblondehair]

I’m going to send you my (American!) hospital bill after I take myself to the ER with stabbing pains in my heart and you will never financially recover from it and it would only serve you right 🥲

But really, our poor sweet baby Ross is suffering so much and I feel it so much through your writing. Him absolutely fixating on the thought of Matty and George together to the point where they’re intrusive thoughts and he can barely play (me, obsessing about your writing rn instead of working). The flashback to Matty playing him the chicks album and him pretending not to know it to give Matty the joy of introducing it to him 😭 and the way you make us experience Ross’s entire devastating realization that it isn’t that matty doesn’t like boys, he just doesn’t like him like that (BUT WE KNOW HE DOES). It’s such a universal feeling of realizing your infatuation doesn’t like you back, but with that uniquely excruciating gay twist that some of us have had the misfortune to experience. And then wrapping it up with Ross’s decision to shut himself off from Matty to protect his heart, and knowing matty won’t have any idea why. Absolute 🔪💔 (also, some commotion for the playlist this week 👏👏👏)

Not an American hospital bill! Have mercy on me pls 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Obsessing over writing instead of working is my constant state and I am sincerely sorry to have pulled you into the pit with me (I'm not really).

That flashback about Matty playing Ross his favourite album is perhaps one of the most heartwarming and heartbreaking things I could ever write and I'm very glad someone is plucking it out of the pile of Big Feelings, because it's very important to me.

And you're right, the "Matty not having any idea why" bit will perhaps make everything feel even worse. Basically, no-one is happy right now. Ain't that fun? SORRY 🥲

(the playlist is genuinely one of my faves so THANK YOU for listening ❤️)

[toomanybandstocare]

hi, i LOVE the vibe of your blog, it's so cool! 💖 this is a really big question, but who are your fave bands/musicians right now? (give me a top 5 in no particular order, if that makes things easier!)

ah, hi hello camper! i'm so glad you enjoy Camp Halfwit :) this made my day especially with how this week has gone.

this is such a tough question, but still pretty easy for me to narrow down. i love to listen to a ton of different genres, but i would say that these are my core groups.

Gorillaz: I study interactive media and game development (writing), so I love their transmedia storytelling tools. They have truly created their own lore and universe, and I adore the little tidbits you can find. Like Russel owns a Hot Sauce brand!

The Clash: The only band that matters. One of the core originators to mainstream punk. I love their early stuff, because that's when you really hear their original messages and ideology. However, they did get wrapped up in the record label to become more popular, and that's where they kind of fall flat for me.

Green Day: This is childhood nostalgia, right here. I remember sneaking down to my dad's old apple desktop to go through his music library (especially Green Day). When I was in second grade, my teacher asked what our favorite songs were, and we went around the room sharing them. I said Horseshoes and Hand-grenades, and she kind of froze until she asked if I meant the clean version. I said no.

Now, those are the three pillars of my music pantheon. Gorillaz really came in recently as I deep dived further into their work during college, but I've listened to them since I was a kid. The next two I would say change depending on what my current music deep dive would be. So, this next one is dear to me, but not because I listen to them frequently.

Royal Blood: iTunes used to do this thing where they had a single of the week, and it would be free. I remember checking in my sophomore year physical science class what this week's was and it was Figure it Out by this band. I was obsessed from the heavy bass and drum duo immediately. I was also so excited that it was specifically a rhythm section duo- that is unheard of. Like I'm sure there are others that I don't know about, but these guys were it. They were the first band that I discovered on my own, and I still put them on once and awhile.

And I mention deep dives, right? So, right it would be the 80s. Sure it resurged with the new season of ST, but I genuinely curious to see how much I listen to on my own. I made a playlist with all my bands and songs that I've listened/enjoyed through my life ... 203 songs, 13 hours 38 minutes. I always stand by "I like what I like, so I'll listen to anything and give it a try". Without further ado, this final one might be the odd one out.

ABBA: My mum loves this band, so much. When we were driving up to Acadia Park this summer, I put on this playlist and she sang along to all their songs. To the point where she had my dad put the greatest hits album on when we were coming home. I also just love Voulez-Vouz- that is my ABBA happy song.

A close second that I really had a difficult time not including officially would be these legends.

Guns n' Roses: The only reason I didn't include them is since I don't listen to a ton of their music. However, Sweet Child of Mine and Paradise City have an absolute grip on me. Love those songs, and I always scream along to them when they come on in the car.

How about you? What are you favs?

Counselor Mythos, out!

[project-offline]

Paola

It Starts With Hello

Taylen's point of view on how she met this person.

When I first began university, I met Paola during the very first couple weeks of school. After attending some first-year social events and noticing that she was also in a couple of my classes, we started talking a little bit here and there when we had the chance to make some small talk. I forgot how, but somehow during this time, I found out that she also liked one of the bands that I liked, Twenty One Pilots.

One day when were sitting next to me in one of our classes, I don’t remember if I purposely pulled it up on my computer that I was listening to them to get a conversation going or if it was just by fluke, but whatever I planned totally worked and then we began chatting more often. I think our friendship really began on the day that we sat in the school hallway patiently waiting on our laptops for the Twenty One Pilot concert tickets to go on sale and then frantically looking to find seats for the show. Funny enough at the time, we didn’t actually go together, but now she is one of my go-to concert buddies to check out indie artists that come to town. During the time of my life when I met Paola, the transition into a new chapter of my life was a bit daunting with having to make new friends again and being courageous enough to put myself out there and introduce myself. But I’m really happy we became friends and I’m looking forward to so many more years of friendship and concerts together.

This or That

You can only choose one...

Salty or Sweet

Winter or Summer

Air Guitar or Air Drums // Due to my recent Guitar Hero obsession. Yes, I still play the game on my PC.

Coffee or Tea // Chai Tea <3

Dogs or Cats

Sleeping or Eating

Five Facts of Fun

What are 5 facts about yourself?

I have an ever-growing vinyl and film camera collection.

I love being in the pit at concerts every chance I get, despite being 5'3.

My latest hobby was ballroom dancing. I loved it, now I’m just waiting for school to calm down so I can get back into it!

Night skiing > Day skiing.

I studied German in high school and did well enough on a test that the government sent me to Germany for a month. My speaking sucked, but who's to pass up a free vacation? :)

Drop a Bop

Pick a song that is the theme song to your life and discuss why.

To me, Summer is just a really lovely and calming time of life before the chaos of work and school. Whenever I'd come home from hanging out with close friends, I swear this song would just always play when I hit shuffle on a specific playlist, and I sort of just got attached to it over time. "Can I stand in your light just for a while?" reminds me of those peaceful Summer evenings and the comfort I found in being with people, so I play the song whenever I feel overwhelmed or stressed.

Debate Time

What is your perspective on the following question: Is a jungle a salad?

I would define a salad as something that primarily humans eat and that all ingredients within the salad are consumable. I assume humans don't eat everything there is to be found in the jungle, you know, because we can't exactly eat rocks and poisonous plants and animals. So no, the jungle is not a salad (in respect to humans).

Some Deeper Small Talk

Chosen from a group of questions, the person answered the following question: What is the most fun I can remember having recently? What was I doing and who was I with?

Oh I'm so glad I got this question! The most fun I've had recently was actually this past Sunday (October 23rd, 2022). I went to go see Dayglow at the Commodore with none other than the person in charge of this lovely blog (Taylen!) It was honestly one of the best nights/concerts I've had in a while – we got to meet the singer for the opening band, we got super nice spots at the venue near the front of the stage, the singer was AMAZING and the crowd's vibes were insane. PLUS, we went home with a guitar pick and setlist. I couldn't have asked for a better night <3

The Final Spotlight

If you had the final opportunity to say anything to the world, what would you say?

Cherish the smaller moments because they're often the most valuable ones in the end. And always show your love to those you care about, as often as you can.

[sk3tch404]

You're definitely right about me being absolutely unsupervised as kid on the internet 💀 bro I was THERE when wretched Scary maze and 2girls1cup thing was making it's rounds oof, 'twas a wild childhood. I vividly remember getting a JTK jumpscare thrown at me in the YT comment section at some point :,) but honestly... the Proxies man,,, core memory unlocked, I read so many creepypasta mansion x reader's on quotev it ain't even funny. THE QUIZZES TOO OMFG.

On another note, it's interesting how nowadays the JTK origin story creepypasta is universally agreed upon to be rlly bad and they talk about how it had bad grammar. The thing is, when I was at the very beginning of my CP phase, I didn't know shit about English, the only thing I had at hand were the translations of the most famous Pasta's and the translators rlly didn't fuck around when it came to grammar and localisation. I honestly think that if the translations hadn't been THAT good, I wouldn't have liked Jeff or the Pastas as much as I did, like these damned translations dragged me into the creepypasta fandom with no mercy. What also didn't help was the Yassification of every pasta in the form of fanart 😔 although some of them were still scary (I once saw a fanart of JTK, with the OG scary image face, smacked on top of an unreasonably well drawn feminine body in a skimpy bikini 💀💀). Honestly though, think I had crush on most Human-leaning creepypastas at some point. Not LJ though, lil me had a Clownphobia and this guy used to scare me shitless 🥲 good times, good times. The funniest thing about crushing on Hoodie and Masky for me though, was that I did not watch Marble Hornets until recently. My view on their personality was solely shaped by the fanfics I read on them agh :,)

Holy shit the edgy AMVs though- I was OBSESSED with them. They really shaped my music taste (linkin park & Melanie Marrinez my beloved <3) I still have some of them (the videos) in a playlist actually. Want a taste of what I was hyperfixating on when I was younger? lol

Also kinda funny how I'm stumped when I have to write essays at school but I can casually drop 200+ words whenever I send an ask too you, like I'm writing a long letter to a friend in ye olden times (Victor would be proud 😔✊)

-Ren'py anon

RENPY ANON ITS BECAUSE UR HAVING FUN!!!

I'm soooo glad I've found someone else who also played quotev quizzes and read those fics 😭 the quizzes were always fun, but it was always one of four. The seven minutes in heaven ;) , Which creepypasta is ur bf?, 24 hours with this character, and what does this character think about you?

WHOOO RENPY NONNIE the seven minutes in heaven quizzes I was taking when I was 10 were NO DAMN JOKE 😭

For most of these quizzes, they were also made my pre teens/teenagers, so the answers were always hella obvious and the characters were hella fanon 💀

I think I was on the internet when the scary maze thing was still a thing, but not as popular? Idk I didn't really care about it. But omg I didn't know what 2 girls and one cup was, and EVERYBODY was freaking out about it.

I looked all over YouTube until I could get a video more than 10 seconds long, and omfg I couldn't believe what my 11 year old eyes saw 💀💀💀 I didn't think it was real because NO WAY THEY WERE DOING THAT NASTY SHIT FR RIGHT???

Unfortunately it probably is real 😰

AND YES THOSE HOT AMVS AND FANART SOLD MEEEEEE

I really hated when people drew the original JTK's face onto normal or attractive stuff. It just killed the vibe for me fam :/

You know, there was always this one song and this one 'JTK tribute' video that I loved watching. It was just those picture slideshow videos, but it had the Super Crazy Psycho Love by Simon Curtis or something.

There was this one specific photo of Jeff with no shirt on. He had abs and was in a pool of blood.

... I was obessed with it. I loved it. I NEEDED IT.

I wasn't even into Jeff though? Like, my mans were LJ and Toby! Maybe Eyeless Jack or the painter guy every now and then, but those two were my favorites.

I vividly remmeber not wanting to be like those crazy Jeff stans and stuck to my own space. Idk why younger me wanted to be different so bad, but yk what good for me for not wanting to be into ultra toxic men.

Not me now though 😎

Idk why its it's such an iconic staple to my childhood and it's honestly a little embarrassing to talk about irl 😭

And yeah, the Jeff story is super flawed. I always thought it was stupid. I watched John Wolf buy and read a bad fanfiction book about Jeff and an OC. My personal taste and John's hatred for him was probably was why I didn't like Jeff in that way 😭

If you dont know who John Wolf is, he's a gaming youtuber :)

I too need to watch marble Hornets. In my pasta phase, I didnt really know them, but I just went along with it. Fanon hoodie was shy and nice, while fanon Masky was mature and calm.

Out of the two, I liked Hoodie more than Masky.

Toby is still my #1

I think it's because I used to tick most of the time when I was younger because my anxiety was so severe, and he was really friendly and loud about everything (I still tick, but not nearly as much thank god. That shit hurt fr)

I also heard they're still uploading? Just little snippets and short videos. It still sounds cool though.

AND OMG YES DROP THAT MF LINK. I didnt listen to Linkin Park, but I did listen to Melanie a whole lot!

[gwaean]

The Rescuers  

Part One: “Old acquaintances meet again"

 Summary: You are a mandalorian rebel friends with Captain Rex so you are well aware of the entire "clone situation" going on. And of course you want to help as much as you can. You then go to Ryloth trying to help the Syndulla's and maybe find your old friend Cody. 

 Pairing: None. Yet. But will be a Crosshair x Reader.

 Gender: There'll be no mentions of gender or pronouns on this part yet. Though further in the story it might have she/they pronouns used.

 Word count: 1.6k

 Tags: Injury recover, post-clone wars story, rescuing clones/friends, a bit of melancholy?

 Warning: Brief description of injury.

 Notes: So, I literally dreamed most parts of this story (I know, crazy Star Wars obsession here). I filled up some parts as I was writing of course. And it turned out a bit like a beautiful sad tragic. I might even do a playlist for this fanfic actually. Hope u enjoy it :) 

 The war, the republic, the jedi all have ended. Literally on the same day. And what it seemed like a fresh start, finally a moment of peace in the chaos turned into nightmares. You weren’t there when it happened, you just heard the news of Obi-Wan saying the jedi order and the republic had fallen and you also heard the now Emperor Palpatine telling everyone that the clone wars has ended and the jedi were traitor, they’ve tried to assassinate him according to well… himself. And now he’s forming this new galactic empire, giving people numbers like the ones clones used to have and killing off any resistance against this new order. Everyone seemed to believe him, you gotta give him that he was a pretty damn’ good  liar indeed. But you knew better than that. You are mandalorian after all and were friends with no one less than Duchess Satine and Senator Padmé. You helped them countless times in their diplomatics and you even fought with the jedi and the clones at times. They were good people, yes, the order might have messed up at lot but traitors? Murders? They sure didn’t deserve to die like that and I guess… No one does.

  You quickly then joined the rebellion. There you found many of former politics like Senator Organa and even a clone… Captain Rex (or is it Commander now?). You’ve met him once before and he seemed like a good person and looks like he’s really a great man just like you thought. You soon became friends. But sadly, the other clones you knew before like Cody were still with the empire. Though both you and Rex were very determinate to help others like him. And also, obviously, protect your allies against the empire.

  Well, as expected trouble begins. There’s been rumors about what’s going in Ryloth with the Syndulla’s and the empire occupation. Worried about them and their people, you go there to help as you can. And if there’s need, you’d call more rebels to help too though you didn’t want to envolve more people yet because you’re afraid of the reaction it could cause ( and what that would cost for ryloth and its people). You also have a tiny tiny hope that maybe just maybe Cody could be there.

  Arriving in Ryloth, you discover the Syndulla family have indeed oppose agains the empire occupation and they’ve went into a lot of trouble because of that but apparently a group of mercenaries (?) have already rescued them from the prison they were sent to. One less problem for you to fix I guess. You were glad for them but you still want to spy a little on the empire and see what you could find out after all, the trip couldn’t be for nothing.

  You find your way and get to a particular high hill with a great view of one imperial base. You pick up your binoculars and the only person you see in a sort of balcony is a very depressive-looking Crosshair. You remember him from that one time clone force 99 saved your butt from the mess you’ve yourself in. He was… quite unfriendly, let’s say. But he did get the job done and made sure you were okay so you just ignored his behavior. Looking at him now it was looking at a shadow of him. 

   It made you remember what Rex told you once: 

“We clones were all created with this chip thing in our my minds. We were made for the war and the war only but apparently someone thought it would be great if they let us think we've got free will. That we could be anything we wanted to be after the war. So we made friends, some of us found a family with our jedi. They let we hope. Just so we have all of that taken away from us with order 66. The war had ended for everyone except for us. We had our will taken from us, our minds controlled by this chip and we had to follow orders. While we're still there conscious of what we were doing we had to kill the people we fought together the entire war. I remember her face... I'm so glad she didn't see my face. I couldn't bare.” 

 Thinking about what all the clones been through, you can’t just leave him like this. He did save you once and this was your chance to repay that. Rex keeps saying we can’t save everyone (more to himself than to you) but one person is better than nobody, right?  At the time you improvise a plan: neither the empire nor Cross can’t know yet that you’re a rebel. You haven’t done anything yet incriminating (at least not that they were aware of). So you can just jump in there where he was standing and talk to him. Worst case scenario he ignores you. However you sure knew how to annoy him enough that at least he would call you out and when that happens you act. Ok, that you still have to figure out exactly how you would act. Well, half of a plan is better than no plan.

  You just jump in behind his back and of course he points his gun at you as expected. But he apparently recognizes who it’s standing in front of him and put his riffle down. 

   “ Hello there.”  You say.

   “What do you think you’re doing?”  He replies.

   “Oh, please, don’t act like you aren’t happy to see me.” 

     He gives you a faint of a smile. “Don’t flatter yourself.” 

     You smiled back. “But seriously, what you’re doing here all alone? And why- You finally noticed the burn mark on his now bald head. - are you like this? Doesn’t the empire takes care of its soldiers? Nor your squad? The bad batch, right? That’s what you called yourselves?” 

     His face closes again. “You have nothing to do with that. I’m-” 

     “By yourself?” You pause for a moment. “Alright, I get it. You’ve probably been through a lot. We all have. Not sure why you’re like this but it doesn’t matter right now. I just wonder… Don’t you want to get out of all of this?” 

     Cross pauses for a moment. It seems like he's considering the possibility. “I… I can’t.” 

     “But…”  You then think. You remind yourself of how protective he was that one time you were saved by them. Maybe this instinct was still there, you had to try. You saw a pointed rock close to where you were standing and decided that you would accidentally cut yourself. “Ouch!” 

    “What’s up?” 

    “Oh! Nothing! Just might have cut myself here.” You show your hand now with a bit bigger than you expected cut and some blood.

     He almost laughs at it. “What a little clumsy one you are, eh?” 

     His mocking at you, that’s something, right? “Yeah, I guess….” 

     “Well, let’s go?”  He points to the door.

     “Go where?” 

     “Don’t you wanna take care of that, sweetheart?” 

     “Right, medical bay then?” 

     “Obviously.”  Perfect. He would be right where you needed him to be.

  The both of you enter the facility and walk directly to the medical bay. The empire base is pretty much a bland dark and boring military base with some troopers walking around, some commanders (you think) yelling at the soldiers and some droids doing whatever they have to do. You knew only that they were “r - unities” but droids weren’t exactly your area of expertise. However you do notice that the troopers walking around still wear the same clone armor from back the war. And you feel guilty. Because as much as you’d like you won’t be able to help them all. They’ll stay there with their chips on being controlled by the empire…. By the force, that was a hole guilty trip you knew you shouldn’t take. It wasn’t your fault. No, no. They did this. Palpatine and his men were the monsters. Not you. And certainly not these poor clones. One day, yes, one day maybe you could come back and save them?

 “Hmmm…. You wanna me to do this?”  Cross says. You were so distracted in your thoughts you don’t even realized you were already in the medical bay.

 “Oh. You don’t have to.” 

 “It's fine. I’m used to do this anyway.” 

  “Ok. Be my guest then?” 

  “Wow, you’re so funny.” He jokes.

  “Whatever. Just do your thing.” 

  “Give me your hand.”  

 You give him your hand and he takes it. And to your surprise he’s very gentle while taking care of your wound. He applies some alcohol pads to clean the wound. And as he presses the wound to stop the bleeding you reach for your gun and keep looking at his face. His very concentrated. It’s almost like the rest of the galaxy doesn’t matter. He’s only there at the moment focused on helping you. And you’re trying to plan how you’re gonna knock him out to take his chip off.

 “Now I’m gonna get some stuff to make a bandage for ya, ok?” He says and turns his back. Now is you chance. You turn your blaster to stun only and shoots. He falls. 

 “I’m sorry. But there’s no other way.” You whisper as if he’s actually listening. 

 It takes some effort (seriously, Crosshair's heavier than he looks) but you manage to put him on one these surgical stretchers. You also have to learn super quick how to use the pad control to see where the chip’s in and take it off. But it’s done. And you wait and wait… For what it seemed like hours though it was only like 15 minutes.

And he wakes up very confused.

[rsmrymnt-tea]

「 🐳 」 hello! i haven't forgotten about your response—i was unfortunately hit with a series of ✧˖˚ unfortunate events ˚˖✧ (yes... pun intended for the sake of lightheartedness <3) shortly after the response, and i needed time to recover. i've decided to join you along the ride for the obm asks!

1.) how did you first get into obey me? personally, i was playing swd games for quite some time before obey me was released in december of 2019, so once i saw an ad for it i told myself, “well! another silly otome game from them to pass the time”, ahh i was so wrong with just how much flavor it had in all of it's terrible, atrocious glory.

satan was the first one to cause me to go into a miserable spiral once i had a revelation of what his birth actually meant, and thus, began spewing my silly little analyses to the small fandom at the time. i no longer go on longer tangents about satan as much as i do solomon (and recently, mephistopheles due to how noble his values are and how little people seem to realize it), but if i dare see someone in favor of obsessive cat-lover satan i have no issues with bashing their head against a digital brick wall and arguing that he is the least likely of the brothers to be obsessive over anything that falls into that category.

16.) what is your intimacy level with each character? i've often gotten a lot of teasing remarks from friends for my levels, but,

lucifer — 25

mammon — 17

leviathan — 20

satan — 34

asmodeus — 18

beelzebub — 19

belphegor — 20

diavolo — 15

barbatos — 22 (slowly but surely making his way up there)

luke — 14 (i am so sorry you are below diavolo, dearest luke)

simeon — 40

solomon — 42, but nearly 43

“i wonder who their favorite is” gee guys thanks i do whatever i can for the sake of my mc's lore ♡ thank you very much /lh

as always, feel free to include dolasach for whatever reason you feel like if something i said reminded you of her hehe~

Whale nonnie!!! So good to see you!! I'm glad that you got to bounce back from whatever happened to you!! I hope it wasn't too bad and that you're fully okay now >w<

Oml the first question though

1. how did you first get into obey me?

THE WEDDING EVENT oough man I don't even recall how I ended up watching videos of the wedding event but I did and Satan's pulled me in so bad that I downloaded the game >.< flavor in the midst of atrocity is such a good way to describe the game dfhkdfg

Also??? Nonnie now I'm curious if I've ever seen your posts omg? I feel like you'd have such good posts on all three... I've got this feeling that I've probably seen a Satan post or that a Mephisto post of yours helped him rise up my ranks >.<

And I feel you so much on thinking he wouldn't really obsess over anything that simple, even more so to the point of it clouding his judgement and rendering him useless in important moments... Just so counter to the core of his character that aspires towards being well-rounded and useful? Anyway I'm trying to stay mostly positive here hdsdfg

16. what is your intimacy level with each character?

GOSH I had to check...

Lucifer - 24

Mammon - 11

Leviathan - 17

Satan - 33

Asmo - 16

Beel - 16

Belphie - 23

Diavolo - 18

Barbatos - 25

Solomon - 31 (only because it took forever to get a Solomon UR I liked the art of, otherwise he'd be the same as Satan lmao probably higher since you can actually get big hearts with him without gifts...)

Simeon - 23

Luke - 2 (dsfjkhsdf sorry I just never use any Luke cards and using him in Jobs feels weird bc ykno... child labor >.>;;)

Surprisingly representative of how much I enjoy their character...? Except that every brother + Simeon needs to be higher than the royals sdhfkjg Barb's bday UR is just too pretty to not use...

Nonnie I feel you with needing the levels for more lore... The calls!! I need the calls!! But it takes sooo fucking long to grind for intimacy

I feel like each time you drop by I get more and more shocked and curious about who you might be... I'm still listening a lot to the playlist you sent and each time I hear Bird Song I think about you suggesting it and what you said about Dola shdkfhdsfg insane really....

[cherrysweather]

I was a bit shy to request a third time, and I wanted to make sure you finished both first 👉👈 but I'll ask ahead anyway (you can choose whether or not to do it ofc!), so I really liked your scenario and headcanons of Apollo and a rhythm-game-obsessed s/o and I'm glad you understand), and I was wondering whether you could do a follow-up to that? (also imagine if the Gavinners did a song for a rhythm game? and Apollo's reaction to that!) Thank you! - milkshake anon

Heeyo sweetie! Welcome back! -3-

Please don't worry when you ask, you can have whatever you want even if you requested already 50 times, I love to at least try to make someone happy fulfilling what they ask ^3^

SO, I ABSOLUTELY loved, adored and had SO MUCH FUN writing for this idea of the Gavinners having a song in a rhythm game, I just changed it a bit so that they have a whole game with their songs; I hope it will be ok with you though ;v;

So, enjoy our jealous boi Apollo in this👉🏻👈🏻

--------------

Apollo Justice x rhythm-game-obsessed!S/O pt.2:

After your resounding defeat against Apollo last time, you spent all of your free time playing rhythm games to improve the speed of your fingers and reflexes;

You tried every kind of games, from the ones with pop songs to the ones with heavy metal ones;

(You also saved some songs on your personal playlist to listen to them normally);

When also Apollo was free, you two often challenged each other just to have fun together and to introduce to him all the new games you tried;

But he's not really into the ones with "loud noises" how he calls them;

And that's probably why you play rock and metal songs without your earphones ;D ;

Recently also Trucy started to get interested in rhythm games, so you three always share with each other the screenshots of your scores;

Useless to say that when she comes to visit you two, you always end up throwing pillows at each other after each challenge;

Apart from that time when Trucy probably emptied her hat with all the things she threw at Apollo;

During your researches for new games, you found a really, REEALLY familiar face in the icon of one of them;

And you already knew how it was going to end;

"Trucy! Trucy please look at this!!!"

You sent her the screenshot of the new game you found as fast as possible

"Hey hey heY!!! It's Mr. Prosecutor Gavin's game?!?!"

"Do not let Apollo see it if you want to survive ahahahaha!"

"Oh mymymy!!! I HAVE TO TRY IT!!"

"Trucy you have to ask him how he got a game with his songs!!"

"WHY ME ask him yourself"

"Sure🙄🙄"

"Oh right, I forgot about him😝" "I'll ask everything once I see him and will let you know eeeverythiing, just for you😗"

"It's not for the gossips you know!"

"yeah yeah😗"

"Trucy!"

You snorted when she only saw the message without replying, returning to your newly installed game instead.

You heard some of the songs' previews, still a bit confused about the existence of this game, but they were hella good!

Don't know why Apollo doesn't like them, probably it's only prosecutor Gavin

You tried to play some, finding both slow and lively songs in it, and even the gameplay was fun!

You could choose between the two guitars, the bass, the drums or the keyboard and switch between them during the performance while small versions of the members danced and their photos from real-life performances appeared on the screen when you did a "perfect note".

You were already trying to get max scores in "Love Love Guilty" when a notification blocked your way during it

"WHAT NOW" you closed the app to save your energy points and opened the notification snorting again, thinking it was Trucy again, but taking it back when you read Apollo's pet name at the top of the conversation

"What are you doing"

He didn't even type an emoji or anything

"Oh hello my dear Polly -3- Me? Right now nothing, just chilling on the sofa but! I'm going to work on something soon!"

"With?"

"No one? It's just me, the pillows and some birds outside the window?" "Why are you asking? Do you want to come?(*￣3￣)╭"

"Trucy wrote me "Watch out for your dear beloved" some minutes ago, so I worried about you"

OOOooOh boi, that girl is SO dead

"WHAT" "Polly! There's nothing to be worried about! You know Trucy! We were talking about something and she just wanted to tease you!"

"About something what?"

"Ugh, something- Don't worry about it! If you are implying that I'm seeing someone besides you I will punch you"

"I did not say that!" "And I haven't even thought about it"

"ಠ_ಠ"

You snorted loudly once more and got up without your phone to do something else, postponing your game for sometime after. -

"You should be eating, not playing!" Apollo's ringing voice distracted your ears from the music coming from the phone

"You should be cleaning the dishes, not eavesdropping on me!" you raised your voice a little to overpower the sound of running water, trying not to spit out what you had in your mouth.

You were checking your cards in the Gavinners game, keeping the volume low so Apollo wouldn’t know whose songs they were, knowing what his reaction would be if he knew that you were playing Klavier's game.

Before leaving your phone unattended, you turned off the screen and took your dishes in the kitchen, humming softly a Gavinners' song

"You found a new game?" Apollo looked at you, listening to your humming

"W-Why do you ask?" you jumped a little, looking at him drying his hands

"I dunno, never heard that song before so I thought about that" he tilted his head back and forth to stretch

"Yeah but, we both play a lot of games, so maybe it could be one that you don't remember" You pointed out while cleaning your own dishes

"You really don't like answering with a direct yes or no do you?" He laughed softly, pushing gently your head back from your chin to place a kiss on your forehead before leaving.

You made a "kiss-sound" when he pulled away from you, smiling to yourself.

Little did you know that he was going after your phone

"Can I try it?"

When your brain recorded what was happening, you tossed yourself on him, trying to take your phone from his hands "NNO! No, I mean- I'm organizing my cards so once I'm finished you can!" You patted softly the part of his head that you hit with your body, noticing after that your phone was already unlocked.

Apollo got your wrist softly and brought your phone to his eyes to see if he saw right, breathing in deeply as he saw Klavier's face on the screen "Now, do you want to e-"

"WAIT, listen a second and don't kill me" you tried your best to hold back the laughter his face provoked you "I found it and just wanted to try it, nothing more nothing less!"

"You, wanted to try a game with that- that annoying Euro Rocker face AND songs in it?! Just- I thought you had better taste in music!"

"Polly it's goood!" you laughed as his face became more and more dead inside

"Are you- Do you want to kill me for real? For when I wrote you if you were with someone?"

"What? No!" you hugged him tightly, still laughing "That time Trucy and I were talking about this app, so that's why I didn't tell you what it was after seeing your reaction" you kissed repeatedly his cheeks to make him smile "Stop it with this grumpy face" you pouted, trying to convince him

"You should give it a try! It can be a step forward towards your new friendship with Prosecutor Gavin!" you poked his cheeks to tease him

"Ah! You're so funny sometimes" he laughed a bit before gently hitting your forehead "But, if you insist, I could actually give it a try" he took your wrist again, waiting for you to give him your phone

"Really?! You want to?" you smiled with all your teeth, handing him the phone "Are you sure you're ok?" you hardly looked up to him when you felt his hands tightening around you to stick your body to his, your face against his chest

"Me? Oh yes, don't worry. I'm just curious; something that Gavin made interested you, so I have to give it a try" He smirked a bit mischievously, screwing around with your phone

"You know, to try it you should be IN the game" You tried to pull away from his chest to look and see what he was doing when you heard the game's music stop suddenly, but he wouldn't allow it

"Yes yes, I lowered the volume for a second, I'm checking something"

"Mmmh- something what" you puffed your cheeks looking at him

"Nothing, I almost did it" he laughed softly before kissing the tip of your nose;

When his grip around you loosened, you turned your head and instead of seeing him in the game, you saw him uninstall the game

"APOLLO! NO!" you laughed at it, trying to take your phone back

" 'Doing it for you, don't hold this against me" he waited for the uninstalling to finish before giving your phone back "There" he kissed your forehead again before laughing at your pouting face

"APollo come ooon!! If you made me lose all the data I swear-" you hit him on his arm, trying to show your anger, but his reaction was too cute not to laugh at it

"Trust me, the less you see Klavier the better" he pinched your cheeks and pulled "If you want another game, I’d rather make one than let you play with songs like that"

"If you take too long, however, know that I will resume playing with this one" You tried to speak in the most understandable way possible, having your cheeks pulled

"Mhmh, just try to get close to that- thing, and I'll kill him" he hugged you again to prevent an answer coming from your mouth, bringing his face close to your neck for a moment.

"I have made a new record on the heavy metal game; do you want to try and beat it?"

That's when you burst into laughter again, holding him close before pulling away and opening the game on your phone "I was born ready to beat all of your records, Mr. Jeloustice" you teased looking at me

"Last time you said this exact same thing, apart from that stupid name, you were sulking at me for a week Ms. Bad Taste in Music"

"Not this time!"

"We'll see that" he cracked his knuckles, preparing for the best.

----

Short note, I finally found that cool "Continue to read" thing and OMG I feel like a child with a new toy XD

I know that this Apollo is really out of character, I don't know what I was thinking while writing, I'm sowwy ;-;

[the-writers-bookshelf]

For fab Friday! I just started a new WIP (horror/romance) and I am obsessed with the main couple. Their names are Blair and Alex, and I haven't gotten a chance to write much for them yet (I'm only on page 46) but I did get to write a few scenes of them. This is my favorite so far :)

(Sorry it's so long)

It’s two weeks before Halloween, and I’m eighteen years old, frowning at the list of colleges on my laptop. The screen is too bright in my dark room, and there’s no end to the names and choices, and I don’t know if I’m smart enough for any of this. For any of these schools.

“Knock, knock.”

My head snaps up as my laptop screen snaps down. Force of habit. I don’t want my parents to know that I’m looking into college. Not because they wouldn’t let me go, but because I’m not sure I have it in me to disappoint them when I inevitably choose not to go.

The voice came from my window, though, not my door.

When I see him, grinning at me through the glass, I hop up immediately and yank the window open – because being cool is overrated and I’m glad for the distraction. “God, it’s cold out,” I say, pulling him inside. His fingers are chilly when I grab them. They’re always chilly. He has ice water instead of blood, I always say.

“Yeah,” he puffs, sticking one frozen hand under the hem of my shirt so the cold makes me jump.

“Dick!” I laugh.

He grins. “Wasn’t this song in Twilight?”

I pretend to listen to the music coming from my phone speaker, as if I’m not sure. (I am sure.) (It is from Twilight.) Then I shrug. “It’s a good song.”

He snorts and collapses on my bed, uninvited. “Are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?” he asks, grabbing one of my pillows and stuffing it under his head.

“I’m team ‘don’t mess up my bed’, actually.”

“Ha-ha.” He looks at my laptop, then gives me an eyebrow. “What were you looking at?”

My pause is probably suspicious, but really, I’m just not sure I want to talk about college again. Not to my genius boyfriend who thinks I can do whatever I set my mind to – because I can’t. Some things just aren’t achievable, and that’s life.

Clearly, his big brain doesn’t automatically go to ‘college applications’ when he sees his boyfriend snapping his laptop shut. He bolts upright, a scandalized look on his face. “Blair Zachary David!”

“Oh, no – I wasn’t—” But before I can even finish my sentence, he’s got the laptop open. I cross my arms and wait for him to look at me. At least if I look mad, he might have the decency not to mention it.

When he does look at me, though, he takes in my frown and my folded arms, and the fact that I’m still standing here instead of crawling into the bed next to him, and he sighs.

“Can I just say one thing?” he asks, closing my computer and pushing it away.

I press my lips together but nod. “One thing.”

“If you do decide to go to college…” he says, enunciating the ‘if’ so I know he isn’t pressuring me. “It won’t change anything.”

I make a face. “Isn’t that what college is supposed to do? Change everything?”

He rolls his eyes and tugs at the bottom of my tee-shirt. “With us, I mean. It won’t change anything about us. We’ll still see each other. It won’t hurt us.”

“I never said it would.” Even as it comes out of my mouth, cold and clammed-up and far too angry, I know I’ve screwed myself. He reads me so well I might as well be one of the millions of books in his room. And that wasn’t exactly subtle.

He tilts his head down and looks at me from the tops of his eyes, like, ‘caught ya.’

“Blair.”

“What.”

“It won’t. It won’t touch us.”

“How do you know?”

He stands up and pulls my shirt again. He’s always doing that, doing these little pestering things. Pokes, and pulls, and touches. He’s all hands, I swear.

“I know,” he says seriously. “Because it’s us. You and me. And nothing touches us, Blair. We’ll be okay.”

I step around him and climb onto the bed, grabbing my phone and scrolling further down the playlist. “Anyway, that’s not why I’m not going,” I mutter. And it’s true. My fears about our relationship are only a drop in the ocean of reasons why I can’t go to school. In a way, I know he’s right about us. We’re time-tested. We’re fireproof.

“Then why not?” he asks, sitting on the floor by my legs.

“You said one thing.”

“Blair, come on…”

I shake my head and look at the ceiling, at the fake popcorn ceiling and the familiar crack that’s been there my entire life. If I look anywhere else, if I look at him, my resolve will crumble and I’ll tell him it’s because I’m not smart enough or confident enough to do this, and we’ll have to go through the whole argument again, and I don’t want to. I don’t want him to look me in the eye and say I’m smart, and talented, and amazing. And I don’t want to see how much he believes it himself.

I can’t go. And that’s that.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” I say. “Please.”

He exhales deeply, and then I feel him climbing into the bed and laying down beside me. “Okay,” he says, giving in. (For now.) “Okay.”

“Thanks.” I grab his hand and squeeze it gratefully. Cold fingers.

He rolls over to face me. “Oh. What happened in gym today?” he asks, like he just remembered something. “I wasn’t there, but Cath told me you almost got into a fight?”

Ah, the other thing I don’t want to talk about. It’s like he has a gift for this. “Almost being the operative word.”

“Blair!” He pokes me in the rib. I swat his hand away and rub the spot where his bony, little finger jabbed me.

“What?” I huff. “Nothing happened.”

“Luckily. We’re eighteen, you know. Adults. Fights can be serious shit now.”

“Tell that to Jamie Buck.”

“Jamie Buck?” He wrinkles his nose like he just smelled something rotten. “The homophobe?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Oh. What did he—”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Oh.”

We lay in silence for a while, both of us pensive and frowning at the ceiling. The song changes again. Lana Del Rey. One of her slow ones.

Out of the blue, he blurts out, “I wish I had been there when Jamie opened his dumb mouth.”

I actually laugh. It’s probably rude, but I can’t help it. “What are you going to do, five-foot-five?” I ask, still giggling. “Bite his ankle?”

His mouth falls open in offence. “Et tu, Brute?”

“What?”

“Et tu brute. Julius Caesar?”

“What?”

“Julius Caesar, the—the Roman dictator? Got stabbed like a thousand times—”

“I know who Julius Caesar is.”

“Well, when he was dying, he said ‘et tu, Brute’ to his best friend, Brutus. Who also stabbed him. It means like, ‘even you, Brutus?’ Like, I can’t believe you, of all people, would betray me.’”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“How do you even know that?”

He stares at me. “It’s—I don’t know! It’s a thing! Even if it wasn’t a thing, it’s a meme. How do you not know?”

I shove him. “I’m, like, two years behind on memes. You know this about me.”

“That’s because you spend all your time in here, brooding. And anyway, Julius Caesar was stabbed to death, like, two thousand years ago. So…”

“Shut up.”

“Just saying.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.” He pauses. “Hey.”

“Yeah?” But he doesn’t say anything. Not until I turn to look at him. Our noses are almost touching. I wouldn’t even have to move to kiss him.

I’m seriously considering it when he says, “We would be okay, you know. If you decided to go.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He kisses my forehead then, and his lips are warm and soft. How can his lips be so warm when his fingers are so cold? “We could be that annoying couple everyone hates but is secretly jealous of. The ones who are always on video calls, even in class, wearing headphones so the professor doesn’t notice.”

“That’ll be easier for me than it will be for you,” I point out. “I wear hoodies every day.”

“My point exactly.”

It hasn’t escaped my notice that we are, most definitely, talking about it again. But I’m looking at him now, at his shaggy hair, and his button nose, and his pink mouth, and my resolve has crumbled. As I knew it would.

“Just think about it,” he asks. “Please?”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay.”

When he smiles at me, I swear my heart is an electric thing trying to zap its way out of my chest.

HALLOWEEN???

HORROR/ROMANCE??

SIGN ME UP!!! TAKE MY FIRST BORN!!! I'M SO DOWN FOR THIS!! :D

fantastic job!!!!

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[lunar-jimin]

i am my mother’s child, i’ll love you til my breathing stops                                     i’ll love you til you call the cops on me

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader

Genre: smut, tiny little glimpse of fluff, a lot of angst, stalker!reader, ex!namjoon

Word Count: 6.6k

Warnings: penetrative sex, softdom!namjoon (kinda), sub!reader (also kinda), quickie in a bathroom, lots of feelings, generally sad ones, this is fairly depressing, reader is stalker, so there’s that, also she has drunk sex with a stranger, but she propositions him so

Summary: It was your obsession with your job that drove him away. It’s your obsession with him that drives you.

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The world outside your window was dyed in the murky blue of four in the morning. You didn’t notice. Your eyes were glued to the glaring screen in front of you, begging for your undivided attention. Instead of working like you should be, you’re creeping through your ex’s Instagram page, desperate to know every minute detail of his life after you. The couple staring back at you from the screen made your stomach twist itself into knots. You had known he would move on, find someone to love him better than you could, but you never thought this would happen in a million years.

Engaged? Really? They had only been dating for a year, only a year and a half since he had left you, but sure enough, the giant diamond on her ring finger spoke for itself. Jealousy tore through you. You knew you didn’t deserve his affection, but that hadn't stopped you from holding on to the small glimmer of hope that one day you would find a way to be together again.

Despite it all, you had long ago admitted to yourself that she was a much better match for him. Your mutual friends would often regale you with their complaints of how clingy they were, how much they loved each other. The pictures of them that filled your feed testified to this. She made sure the world knew how much she loved him. A twinge of regret sparked in you when you thought of your own Instagram page, bare of any images of the two of you. You were never one for shoving your relationship into other people’s faces.

Your eyes flicked from the post to the clock in the corner of your screen and you groaned inside at the prospect of getting only two hours of sleep. Turning back to your computer, you noticed the tired burn in your eyes and the lethargy that spread throughout your limbs. With the last bit of energy you could muster, you drug yourself out of your way-too-comfy computer chair and into your welcoming bed. You fell asleep before you made it under the covers, still in your jeans.

The next thing you knew, your alarm was blaring out some loud pop song you had picked a long time ago and never bothered to change, uncouthly interrupting your precious slumber. Sitting you, you already began to feel the consequences of too little sleep: today was going to be a long one. You silently swore to yourself that you were going to fix your sleep schedule, before managing to drag yourself out of bed and down the hall to the bathroom. The warm water from your shower did little to wake you up, but it did sooth your tense muscles. A half an hour later, you were at the bus stop, apple in hand, trying valiantly to keep your eyes open.

Your morning passed quietly. Somehow words appeared on your screen, despite the fact that you didn’t recall typing them. You had never been more grateful for your lunch break in all your life. You wearily made the slow trek to the cafe three blocks down from your office. All you could think of was the toasty panini and cup of coffee calling your name. The apple you had gulped down for breakfast wasn’t doing much for you anymore.

The cafe cheerily greeted you with the smell of espresso and a warmth that comforted your bones. You had been coming here since you began your career as a journalist for the newspaper. You swore they made the best sandwiches in this hemisphere, and the shy barista, Jungkook, never failed to make you smile with one of his cheeky stories from college.

You quickly ordered before taking your usual spot by the window. You had only been sitting for three minutes when your day went from bad to terrible. You blinked twice when you saw him. You were sure it was an illusion, your lack of sleep finally taking its toll on your mental health. You close your eyes and count to ten, praying that he would be gone when you opened them again.

There was now way it was coincidence that he was here. There was no way that he could possibly have come to the same cafe you had been a patron at for five years by accident. There was no way.

You froze in place. You internally debated if you should get his attention. A large part of you wanted to leave before he saw you, have Jungkook sneak you out the back, but a small part of you wanted to run to him, take him in your arms, and promise to love him right. Instead, you sat there like a deer in headlights, letting fate take its course.

You hated that he looked better than the last days of your relationship. He had found his style again and he had cut his hair. He looked healthier, and you knew from your midnight ventures on his Instagram account that he had started to workout. You didn’t want to admit it, but you knew deep down that the toxicity of your relationship had been detrimental to his well-being.

The guilt was eating you up, when he turned to look at you. If you were frozen before, you were solid ice now: muscles locked up, eyes open wide. You gulped slowly, praying to whatever god was out there to make you invisible. Unfortunately, the gods weren’t having it today, and he gave you a quick wave and a smile before turning back to the menu.

You prayed that would be the entirety of your interaction, but five minutes you looked up from the phone you were taking refuge in, to find him walking towards your table.

"Do you mind if I sit down?"

His voice was deeper than you recalled

"Uh, yeah, sure."

You looked out the window in a desperate attempt to avoid conversation and eye-contact.

"How are you?"

You managed to look up at him.

"I'm fine."

You hoped that he wouldn’t see through the lie. You hoped he wouldn’t see the dark circles under your eyes and realize you still weren’t getting enough. You hoped he wouldn’t see the stain on your shirt and realize that you still couldn’t find the time to do basic chores. You hoped that somehow, he wouldn’t realize that you were just as addicted to work as when he left you. That you were still failing at being a person.

"That's good."

You gave a small smile.

"How 'bout you?"

"Pretty good."

He grinned. You guessed he was thinking about his engagement but was hesitant to bring it up in your presence.

"Good."

You took a sip of your coffee and looked out the window again, uncomfortable down to the soles of your feet.

"I, uh, have some big news that, uh, I wanted to share with you."

Maybe not so hesitant, and not here by accident. You raised an eyebrow.

"I'm, uh, engaged."

The sheepishness that poured over his face was almost adorable.

"Oh."

You were silent for a moment.

"Congrats then."

Behind his eyes, there was a glimmer of disappointment, as if some suppressed sadistic part of him wanted you to be hurt. You were glad that you came off as unbothered, even though your heart ached every time you thought of that stupid engagement post.

"I love her."

He was desperate. You were surprised. Namjoon was never petty, yet here he was trying to make you jealous. Had you really hurt him so badly?

"I would hope so."

You looked back out the window.

"She's really amazing. She cooks for me and goes on trips and she’s even going to quit her job to take care of our kids."

It would have hurt, if the chauvinistic ideals behind it hadn’t made you roll your eyes. But the point was still there: she was actively loving him, taking care of him, showing him that she wanted a future with him. That stung.

"Okay."

He looked at the window, resigning to the fact that he wasn't going to get a rise out of you. He should've known. You had never been very expressive of your emotions.

"I would have married you."

That made you flinch. A spark of delight ignited in his eye. Asshole.

"Okay."

"I loved you."

"I know."

"Did you love me?"

"I don't know."

A lie. You had loved him to the moon and back. Hell, you still loved him. But you wanted to hurt him just a little bit for making you sit through this torture.

"Oh."

A blow to his ego. If he wanted to parry, he best have come prepared.

"Have a good day then."

"Okay."

With that he left, without even bothering to pick up his order.

Before you knew what you were doing, you followed him out the door. You weren’t sure what had come over you, but you knew you were no longer in control of your being. You followed him one block after another, making sure you were far enough behind him that he wouldn’t notice you. You weren’t sure what you were seeking. Closure perhaps.

Soon, you found yourself standing outside a familiar, red, brick building. During your relationship, Namjoon had moved in with you, but still rented his apartment. In the beginning, you had stayed the night a few times. The apartment was small, but the view was to die for. You missed it.

He was already inside, but you knew which window was his. You stared up at it for a couple minutes, before something snapped inside you and you realized what you were doing. You felt nauseous, but that was quickly forgotten when you noticed the time. Panic shot through you, as you began to run back to the office. You could only hope that your boss wouldn’t notice your extended lunch break.

At first, it was a rare occurrence. Ever so often you would find yourself standing in front of those red bricks staring up at that window. Nothing would ever happen. You would just stare, part of you hoping to catch a glimpse of him and another part of you dreading the idea of ever seeing him again.

As your addiction to your job continued to consume you, it became a more frequent occurrence. Once a month turned to twice and then to once a week. Your mental health slowly deteriorated, until you were at risk of losing it completely. Somewhere in that time, you managed to pull yourself enough to end up at a shitty dive bar in the heart of the city with the few friends you had managed to keep. You weren’t that close to them. You doubt they knew your middle name or your birthday, but they were company you didn’t get much of that these days.

The beginning of your evening was spent slowly downing alcohol and catching up about the dullness of each of your existences. You spat out lies, hiding the fact that all your life was anymore was work and stalking your ex. You put on a front. You had other friends. You had been on dates but nothing had worked out yet. You had started dieting and working out. Lies, lies, lies.

Somewhere around your third beer, the fragile illusion you had created for yourself, came crashing down. You were well aware that these girls were friends with Namjoon and that they had undoubtedly received an invitation to his wedding, but while they were relatively sober they had been kind enough not to remind you. Now, however, their blood-alcohol levels were through the roof and as a consequence, they began to discuss the details of the wedding.

At some point, someone asked you what you were going to wear to the event. You stared at her dumbly before she realized what a stupid question it was and turned back to whoever she was talking to. You hadn't received an invitation to the wedding but a small part of you was glad.  You didn’t really want the reminder, and you wouldn’t go anyway, you weren't that masochistic.

Okay, so that wasn’t entirely true. There was a part of you that did want to go. A part of you that daydreamed of standing up in front of the entire church and begging him not to marry her. Begging him to come home with you. Begging him to love you again. But it was a stupid fantasy, and not one you should indulge in.

Lisa, the only person there who you really gave two shits about, turned to you and began to talk about your job again. When you let it slip that you had ran into Namjoon at lunch awhile ago, she looked like a little kid on Christmas. With her filter gone, she began to pester you with questions. Then she lit up.

“I have an idea.”

You internally groaned. Lisa was famous for her drunk ideas and none of them were ever good.

“You should come with me to the wedding as my plus one.”

Your eyes went wide.

“Lisa, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Oh, come on. It’ll be fun. You can get all dressed up and make him see what he’s missin’.”

It did sound tempting.

“Okay.”

You didn’t sound very sure, but Lisa was too drunk to care. She squealed before giving you a quick side hug and turning to talk to someone else. As the gravity of the situation hit you, you found yourself longing to forget everything. You threw back two shots of tequila before marching out onto the dance floor.

It didn't take long for some random stranger to come grind up on you, but you were too drunk and upset to care. In fact, feeling someone touch your body again was somewhat soothing. It didn't take long for your lips to find his and it didn't take much for you to convince him to come home with you.

You barely noticed saying goodbye to you friends as he dragged you out the door and into the back of an uber. You barely remembered anything else until you woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and a strange man in your bed.

It was the first time you had really seen him, too inebriated the night before to really notice his features. You didn't want to admit how similar they were. It was the dimples that gave it away. Even drunk, you still seemed to have a type.

He was adorable, lying there, so unaware of the rest of the world. It reminded you of your first date with Namjoon. While he began the night full of energy, he ended it passed out with his head in your lap.

5 Years Ago

You met him through mutual friends. He asked you out at a party and you still remember the red tinge on his cheeks to this day. You had developed a crush and you were delighted to oblige him.

Namjoon was a very simple man, and you didn't expect much more out of your date. Just dinner and a movie. However, he obviously wanted to impress you when he drove out of the city and to a beautiful flower field overlooking it. Halfway into your picnic dinner, he sheepishly confessed to having no cooking skills and that his best friend Jin had prepared your dinner. But that didn't matter, because for what Namjoon lacked in the culinary arts, he made up for with his mind. Namjoon blew you away with the shear capacity of his brain. He was obviously a nervous talker, and so you sat in awe as he spilt facts about whatever subject you were talking about.

"How do you know so much?"

"I don't know that much."

You gave him a look.

He sighed.

"I don't know, I just do. I consume information and I never really forget it. Most people find it annoying. At least that's what Jin tells me."

"It's adorable."

You both blushed.

"Thanks."

He looked sheepishly at his lap.

"So are you."

"What?"

You looked up at him confused.

"You're adorable too."

You're cheeks blazed scarlet.

When you mustered the courage to look at him, he was staring at your lips. His eyes quickly flitted back to yours when he noticed you looking at him. He coughed uncomfortably.

You weren't sure what came over you, but you found yourself tentatively placing your hand on his thigh. You looked at him nervously, while trying to muster the confidence to close the gap between you.

Luckily, you didn't need to. One second you were staring at his lips, the next they were on yours. You were happy to find that they were just as soft and plush as they looked. He moved rhythmically, and you prayed to god that you were as good of a kisser as he was.

Then the rain started. It was just a drizzle at first, but by the time you had packed up the picnic, it had begun to pour. You dashed to the car, soaked to the bone. When Namjoon pulled up to your apartment building, you invited him in to dry off. While his clothes were in the dryer, you started a movie, some cheesy rom-com. You weren't even thirty minutes in, when Namjoon fell asleep in your lap while you played with his hair.

The memory faded and instead of Namjoon, you found the mystery man whose name you didn't know. You woke him gently, offered him some coffee- which he declined- before sending him on his way. You weren't trying to be rude, but the longer you looked at him, the longer you were reminded of Joon, and you only had a limited capacity for heartache.

This time you didn't even bother to change out of sweats and a t-shirt. You must have looked like a mess as you rode the bus to the red-brick building. You were smart enough to bring a coffee and a book so that you had something to occupy yourself, as you sat on the bench across the street. You didn’t even look at the window anymore, just being this close to him was enough to satisfy your weird urge.

You had been sitting for an hour before he appeared. He didn't even glance your way. Your nerves twittered, praying that he wouldn’t see you. You quickly stored your book and coffee in your tote, before following him down the streets.

He led you downtown. You were always jealous of how close his apartment was to the hub of the city. The cars whizzed by you as you followed him down a boulevard of shops. Your heart stopped as you watched him walk into the jewelers. It made sense: he was getting married, rings were involved, but somehow this made it more real. He was investing thousands of dollars in this woman. He was investing his life.

The fact that it was the jewelers that you had visited back when you thought you were going to get married only made it worse. Your heart began to beat faster. Was he going to give her your ring?

3 Years Ago

"Which one do you like?"

You looked over the case carefully inspecting each ring for flaws. After five minutes, you pointed at a sapphire and diamond ring near the back. It was relatively simple, but that’s what drew you to it.

He smiled.

"Well, someday, when you're Mrs. Kim, that ring will be around your finger."

You grinned and lifted up to meet his lips.

"I love you."

"I love you more, Joonie."

"I seriously doubt that."

You giggled and followed him out the door for lunch.

As soon as he came out of the shop, you rushed in. You went straight for the case that you knew had held your precious band. It took you a minute to spot it, but when you did, you felt relief flood your body. It was still there, he wasn't forsaking you for her.

As the relief washed over you, you began to connect to reality again. You realized what you were doing. With it came the nausea. Coming back to reality was always painful. You hadn't deemed yourself a stalker yet, even know though you knew you should. The self-hatred followed you home, up the stairs and through your apartment door.

You didn't mean to follow him. Somehow, the part of you that still loved him (which was a larger part of you than you cared to admit), had gained the ability to control your actions, while the logical part of you sat in the backseat screaming. The shame continued to throb inside you as you curled up on your couch. You knew you needed to stop but you didn't know how.

You didn't and as the months passed you found yourself following him whenever you had spare time. You were careful, staying a good distance behind him. If he had noticed you, he didn't let you know. He seemed blissfully unaware. The worst part was that as you followed him, you began to realize he was truly happy: something you hadn't witnessed since the early days of your relationship.

At some point, you started bringing your camera along. You weren't sure how the pictures of him ended up on your camera roll, and then pinned to your bedroom wall. You would lay in bed at night, touching yourself with one hand, while another tightly grasped a photo of him.

In the morning, you would be so sick with yourself, you would vomit in the toilet. Three months passed like this before his dreaded wedding day arrived. The sane part of you didn't want to go, but the creepy, deviant part of you had more control, and thus you found yourself in front of the mirror in a simple sundress.

Lisa had attempted to convince you to wear a skimpy number in order to make Namjoon jealous, but you knew that Namjoon always found you sexier when you looked innocent. You had often teased him about it. So you settled for a simple floral piece and some kitten pumps.

When you walked into the venue you felt another twinge of jealousy at the grandeur. The church was old and gorgeous and you felt like a sinner just by existing in it. You sat in the back. Your nerves kept you calm enough to decide you didn't need Namjoon knowing about your presence just yet.

You blacked out for most of the ceremony. It was only when Lisa waved her hand in front of you that you realized that instead of witnessing the union of 'man and wife', you were busy daydreaming about said 'man' taking you in front of the whole church.

You stared out the window of Lisa's care wistfully as she drove to the reception. When you started to tear up, she pulled over in a park parking lot.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

You almost pulled it over, but the slight quiver in your voice gave you away.

"Sis, if you don't wanna go, we don't have too. We can just head to my apartment, order Chinese food, binge Netflix, and do facemasks."

It sounded so, so tempting, but you know you needed to make it through it. You needed to prove to the part of yourself that was going insane, that you didn't need him anymore.

You thought back to the day you came home from work to find his bags packed in the living room. You thought about the tears that streamed down your face as you tried, and failed, to convince him to stay, that you loved him more than your job.

He cried too, pulling you into a hug, the last one you would ever have. You remember how his chest, which was usually so strong and comforting, trembled against yours. How you weren't sure if the wet warmth on your cheek was from him or from you.

You must have stood like that for thirty minutes, before he pulled away, gave you a last kiss, grabbed his bags and left. It wasn't until later that evening that you discovered his letter.

My Love,

I don't want to do this, but I am no longer happy. We are no longer happy. There isn't much left to us in all reality. I love you to the moon and back, but I can't spend the rest of my life waiting for you to come home from work. I know it's important to you and I would never ask you to leave it, but I have a life to live too.

You made me so happy for such a long time, but you are a writer in the dark. You stay up all night on your computer and leave me with a cold empty bed. When I wake in the morning, you're gone. I can't stay in a relationship that barely exists.

Someday, when you feel like you can put your job aside for a family, call me. I'll be here because I love you. I love you so much, it makes it hard to breathe. Be happy for me.

Love,

Namjoon

And so here you were, in a passenger seat on the way to his wedding reception. Just a girl with a broken heart and a broken promise. You needed to go. You needed to see him. Confront him.

"Drive."

You sat through dinner, barely touching the food on your plate. You listened to your friends chatter away and make snarky comments through all the speeches. When the dancing started, you were hesitant to move, but Lisa dragged you to the edge of the dance floor and forced you to witness the first dance.

You spent most of it staring at the floor nursing a martini that was almost straight gin. You finally looked up at the end of the song, some cheesy pop shit you knew Namjoon loved, and locked eyes with him. His hand was delicately placed over her waste and you secretly wondered how many hours of practice it took for him to be able to dance to this song. The waltz was never his forte.

His stare never left you and as soon as the song was over, he whispered in her ear before walking straight at you. You drowned your drink quickly, praying the alcohol would be enough to get you through whatever was coming. He grabbed your arm without saying a word and dragged you out of the ballroom and into the nearest bathroom.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

His voice was harsh, but there was a touch of tenderness to it.

"Lisa made me come. I don't want to be here anymore than you want me."

"Bullshit!"

You raised an eyebrow at his retort, signaling that you knew he knew you were lying, but you weren't going to tell him the truth.

"I just can't deal with seeing you right now. Do you know what you being here is doing to me?"

You felt a spark of anger go off inside you. He had an issue with being here? That's swell and all, but he was the one who broke up with you. He was getting married, you being here should be nothing more than a footnote.

"I don't care, Namjoon, I don't care if you're hurt or not. I don't care if it's ruining your big day. You leaving ruined my life. I have spent the last year and a half dying because you're not in my bed when I wake up in the morning. And I know that I fucked up and that I needed to be there for you, but you left me without giving me the chance to change! You. Left. Me."

Somewhere in the middle of ranting, hot tears had begun to fall down your cheek and you were once again thankful that you had splurged on waterproof makeup.

"Don't act like such a victim. At least I know that the woman I'm marrying actually loves me."

His words fanned your little spark into a full blown flame and you raised your hand to slap him, but he grabbed your wrist before you could. You looked to his face expecting to see anger, but instead, his eyes showed a mixture of sadness and disappointment.

"I'm sorry." He said.

Next thing you knew, his lips were on yours, soft as you had remembered them. Shock ran through your body and you froze as he continued to kiss you slowly. When he realized you weren't responding, he pulled away, a faint blush apparent on his cheeks.

He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, you found his lips again. You immediately felt his body relax against yours as his arm snaked around your waste to pull you closer. A bittersweet feeling floated through you as you relished in his taste again. You hadn't realized how much you missed kissing him, how comforting he was.

Somewhere deep inside you was yelling that this was an illusion. That at some point he would have to leave the bathroom and go back to his new wife who would love him and give him children and grow old with him.But you squashed the voice, desperate to live in the moment. Desperate to believe that just for this time, he was yours. That you were his new wife, that you were going to have beautiful children and that in sixty years, you would be two old people stupidly in love.

The kissing quickly became messy and desperate. You unabashedly moaned to his mouth and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue in his tongue. Your arms were wrapped around his neck in an attempt to keep him as close to you as possible, as if letting go would mean losing him forever.

He pulled away from you and looked you in the eyes.

"You always look so beautiful."

The comment was quiet and under his breath, but you heard him nonetheless, and warmth crept onto your cheek. Before you could respond, he picked you up and set you on the sink counter.

You welcomed him, as he stepped between your legs, returning his lips to yours. As his lips moved down your neck, his hand traced its way up your thigh, slowly moving your dress up your leg. You moaned as he began to trace circled in your inner thigh, feeling your underwear soaking through.

"Dear god, Joonie," you whine,"don't tease me."

The nickname slipped out without your awareness, but you noticed him pause subtly at the sound of it before returning to his ministrations. His lips returned to yours as he shifted your panties to the side and used his pointer finger to tease your clit.

You whined out at the sudden pleasure, legs tightening on his waist, trying to bring him closer. Trying to bring him home. When he slips a finger inside you, you throw your head back against the mirror. Your eyes squeeze shut, attention completely focused on the digit inside you.

Despite the time that had passed, he hadn't forgotten how to make you see white. With the exception of the man you had dragged back from the bar, you hadn’t been laid in forever, and as a result, you were incredibly sensitive. Right when he was about to tip you over the edge with no more than a finger, he pulled back, lust clouding his eyes, finger soaked.

"Are you gonna be a good girl for me?"

You whined at the old nickname, clenching your thighs together in a desperate attempt to relieve the ache between your thighs. Namjoon's hand drifted to the front of his slacks to massage the tent that had formed in them, while admiring your fucked out form slouched on the hotel bathroom sink.

"Answer my question baby."

A yes slips out of you and he grins like the devil.

"Look, at you, such a dirty girl, all fucked out in a public bathroom, desperate for me to fuck her."

Nothing had changed. He was still the tease who manipulated your body until you experienced cloud nine. And you were his good girl who obeyed every command, desperate to please.

You dipped your fingers into yourself in an attempt to stretch your pussy open for him, while he slowly dragged down his zipper, and pulled his cock out through the fly. Your memory served you well, but he still seemed bigger than you remembered. The tip was flushed red and dripping pre-cum. For a split second you were worried about him staining his slacks, before dashing your concern away to the depths of your consciousness.

You knew you should, but you felt no guilt for what you were about to do. As far as you were concerned, this was Namjoon’s mistake, not your’s. Sure, there was a beautiful bride dancing in the ballroom, and sure, she didn’t deserve this, but no matter what the certificate said, Namjoon would always be yours.

The realization hit you, as he kissed you again, moaning into your mouth as he rubbed the tip of his cock against you. There would always be a part of him that would belong to you. There would always be a part of his heart, no matter how small, that loved you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be here, now, about to fuck you in the small, but beautiful bathroom, at his own wedding reception.

The notion made you feel powerful. Your hand quickly replaced his, and you gave him a few quick strokes before lining him up. You both moaned as his tip pressed into you. When he was fully inside, you couldn’t help but feel complete. Months of emptiness completely forgotten as he slowly pulled out before thrusting back in.

“Fuck, baby, I forgot how tight you were.”

Tears pricked in your eyes as he began to pick up pace, moving faster and faster. Despite trying hard to pretend like this moment could last forever, you knew that she would notice him missing soon, and that this moment was doomed to end. You squeezed your eye’s shut, tried to focus on the feeling of him drilling in and out of you.

It didn’t take long for his pace to become unsteady. You opened your eyes to find him staring at your face. You couldn’t read the look on his face, but it carried a strangely familiar emotion. It wasn’t until he reached down to rub quick circles on your clit that you realized what it was: love The realization had you coming around his cock. You screamed silently, tears finally falling down your face. He was close behind, burying his head in your neck as he filled you up one last time.

“I love you.”

The words were quiet. They were words that weren’t meant to be said out loud. They were words that would haunt him for the rest of his life. But they were the truth, and the truth deserved to be spoken.

“I love you too. I always will.”

You looked him in the eyes, while he softened inside you. There was a silent acknowledgement between you. An acknowledgement that neither of you wanted to admit. That you would never be together. That it would never work. That he was married.

So, while remaining completely silent, he slipped out of you, tucked himself into his slacks, fixed his hair and left. You sat there for minutes, tears rolling down your cheek. Finally, you gained enough energy to pull yourself off the sink, shift your panties back into place and walk back out into the world.

You quickly went to your table, grabbed your purse, and said goodbye to Lisa. If she smelled the sex, she didn’t say anything. When you were at the door, you looked back for half a second. He was dancing with her, laughing at something she said. He looked happy, and you prayed to God that he was.

That night you sat down at your computer and began to write your grand, tragic love story.

__________________

seven years later

You laughed as you walked out into the chill autumn air. Hoseok had that effect on you. Always had. He had just treated you to a wonderful celebration dinner in honor of your first best selling book, a novel about a woman unable to let go of her former love.

As you were about to leave your daughter tugged on his hand informing Hoseok of her need to go to the bathroom. Your husband gave you a quick kiss, before taking the four year old back inside. You stood on the sidewalk, breathing in the air and admiring the city lights, reflecting on how you got there.

A month after Namjoon’s wedding, you met Hoseok in a coffee shop you were writing at. You had hit it off pretty quickly, and two years later you were married. Your daughter, Marie, followed soon after. A month ago, your novel was finally published for the world. And so here you were, celebrating with the family that you loved so much.

“Hi.”

You looked up, startled.

“Namjoon,” you breathed, “what are you doing here?”

“I was, uh, going for a walk.”

Your gazed washed over him, and you noted that he didn’t look too good. His hair was long and unkempt, dark circles under his eyes, and his usual impeccable sense of style was thrown away for some sweats and a hoodie.

“Are you okay?”

You couldn’t help the concern that painted your face.

“I’ve been better.”

He gave you a sad smile.

“Oh?”

“We’re going through a rough patch. I think she wants to get a divorce.”

“Oh.”

At one point, those words would've made your year, but that part of you had died a long time ago.

“Maybe we could go out for a cup of coff-”

His words stopped when he saw the diamond and sapphire ring on your finger.

“Oh.”

His face fell. It was then that Hoseok decided to grace the two of you with his presence. Namjoon quickly looked from you, to Hoseok, to your daughter, as he slowly began to put the picture together.  He looked pained. You knew the look, the look of loss.

“Who’s this?”

Hoseok’s voice was cheery and you were once again grateful for your husband’s consistant happiness.

“An old friend. You take Marie to the car, and I’ll catch up with you in a sec.”

He nodded, happy to oblige. When he was out of earshot, you turned back to Namjoon.

“You were supposed to call.”

You stared blankly at him.

“What?” you finally ask.

“You were supposed to call when you were ready to have a family.”

You looked at him in shock.

“Namjoon, you got married.”

“I know, but I would’ve left her for you.”

“You’re insane.”

“I’m not. I still love you. And you still love me. You promised me you would forever.”

“Well, it was a naive promise to make.”

He looked like he was about to cry.

“Look, Joon, go home. I know you loved your wife, and I’m willing to guess you still do. Relationships take work, you know that. You’ve alwayknown that. Show her that she means the world to you. Whatever’s going on, you can make it through it. Whatever part of you still loves me, kill it.”

He nods

“I have to go. But call me when you’re in a better spot, okay?”

You hand him a business card, before walking away into the night.

A month later, you get a text.

“We made it work. Coffee on Wednesday?”

You smiled.

series m.list       m.list

[lesbiancarat]

beautiful monster by stayc / sparkling by chungha / patbingsu by billlie pleaseee :)) i'm obsessed with them!!! although I might have to give you a heads-up that the billlie one is very.... well, interesting

beautiful monster

when i listened to it for the first time, i didn't really like it tbh :( i've really loved all of their title tracks before this one, and i consider them one of my favorite 4th gen girl groups, so i was a bit disappointed. i gave it a second listen just now and it grew on me a LOT, but it's still probably my least favorite title track from them. it's probably a song i'll listen to every once in a while as opposed to something on repeat like their other title tracks. but that's okay, even my favorite groups have a couple songs i don't like as much and it was bound to happen with stayc eventually too! i'll still be eagerly looking forward to their future releases even though i didn't like this one as much ^^

sparkling

i've heard several of chungha's songs in passing, but i've never actively checked out her music, but i enjoyed this one! it's very catchy and fun and the music video is so so pretty. it makes me wish i had a sprite to drink right about now 🤣 a fantastic summer release!

patbingsu

from what i've already seen of billlie (namely gingamingayo) i expect no less than weird from them lol! and fortunately i LOVE when girl groups do weird concepts, and i'm glad that billlie are helping uphold that tradition in the 4th gen. i actually like this song a lot more than gingamingayo, which i'd say i casually liked. in the best way possible, the music video felt like a combination of boom boom by momoland and what is love by twice (and i adore both of those music videos, so i also loved this one). definitely adding patbingsu to my playlist! (sidenote, i literally only realized billlie has 3 Ls in it like last week bc someone pointed it out. i felt so shocked bc i could have sworn it was just spelt normally with 2 Ls but i guess my eyes just glazed over the third one lol!)

[frienderbender]

i'm glad those tags re: name made sense, because after i wrote them i was like "oh man, i hope i don't sound unhinged" sdgdfsd BUT i love those kinds of weightier-than-they-seem symbolic interactions ! and i didn't even think about rikki having like... a whole stage persona that's Not Really Him that he's had to disappear into (not to mention his Upstanding Sobertown Citizen persona layered on top of that) :'0

i feel like that after they learn each others' true names, they'd then proceed to make up as many obnoxious nicknames as possible to call each other in public (much like after you name your cat a normal name, you then proceed to call them by ten other unrelated dumber names)

they're probably very:

LMAOOO nah we are on the same wavelength with this shit man…….like i said these two have got me in such a chokehold rn….insane…..

exactly though! i have a lot of feelings on the faces that rikki puts on, whether it’s his stage persona or his sober persona, and what he’s actually like when the cameras are off. that’s why the last song in the rikki playlist is probably like my biggest rikki song (“don’t take them faces at their value”/“i only show you what i want you to see”/“i’ll always be just who you want me to be”). so much of rikki’s character is pretending to be someone he’s not, and i imagine all that pressure really takes a toll. i mean, he did kill a guy after what we can assume was his breaking point. one of many breaking points anyway.

OBSESSED with them calling each other a bunch of obnoxious nicknames. i think it’s so funny to imagine how everyone else around them feels once they actually become Friends and they’re like. being genuinely chummy with each other. like they used to always look close to killing each other but now they’re basically calling each other pet names. i mean. they’re still probably close to killing each other some days (but now they’re just also making out behind closed doors)