#And from the shadows emerges a really creepy dude we would really just all prefer

[fireflyfish]

Tano And Kenobi: The Senator From Naboo

Previously on Tano and Kenobi...

Now that she has been re-accepted into the Jedi Order and named a Jedi Knight, Ahsoka Tano has some work to do. Luckily a helpful Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn is there to point her in the right direction. Senior Initiate Obi-Wan Kenobi has some training to make up for and a lesson in jar’kai waiting for him. 

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Jar’kai was amazing.

Exhausting, but amazing!

Obi-Wan could not remember the last time his arms were so tired and sore after just an hour of lightsaber practice. He happily slumped his way back to the Initiate Dormitory, shedding his robes and boots before taking a long shower in the refresher when he got to his room. After an eternity of muscle-relaxing warm water, he got out, changed into a more comfortable set of robes, and headed back out for dinner.

He was so wrapped up in the happy memories of his lesson with Master Ahsoka that Obi-Wan paid little attention to the older Padawans who were whispering about how he didn’t have a master yet.

“I can’t believe he’s still here!”

“I would have left out of shame by now.”

“My master says no one will take him. They say he’s too emotional. That he might go dark.”

“I heard he tried to ask Master Sinube. Can you believe it? How desperate do you have to be to ask that old fart?”

Holding his head high, Obi-Wan nodded pleasantly to his fellow Jedi. He had a wicked retort on his tongue but he stilled it, knowing deep in his heart that Master Ahsoka would not approve. He was going to make her proud, to show her that he was worthy of her teachings and maybe, if he was lucky, being her padawan.

So that meant Obi-Wan would just have to bite his tongue and ignore the cold-hearted nexus he found himself in line with.

“Hey, Obi-Wan!” a voice called out through the dining hall, belonging to a dark-skinned Kiffar with a golden stripe across his nose.

Who was pushing his way through the dinner crowd and making a beeline towards Obi-Wan. “Thanks for saving me a spot in line.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. “I did no such thing, Quinlan. The end of the line is back there behind Padawan Rast.”

“You are such a goody-goody!” Quinlan groaned, wrapping an arm around his friend’s shoulders and then pulling him into a headlock where he could give him some proper encouragement with his knuckles. “You were totally saving a spot for me, right?”

“Gah! Ow! Quin! That hurts!” Obi-Wan protested, smacking at his friend’s arm for release before he would have to employ more aggressive measures. “Let me go, you odiferous gundark!”

“Odiferous?” Quinlan laughed, releasing Obi-Wan with a flourish and a firm place in line behind his friend as they shuffled forward to dinner. “I will have you know I took a bath yesterday.”

Obi-Wan gently touched the top of his head and winced. “I know. I can smell.”

“So what’s this I hear about there being a new knight in the Temple?” Quinlan asked, his eyes bright with curiosity and his smile lean and curious. “Master says she’s a Togruta that grew up on the Outer Rim? And her master passed into the Force a while ago.”

The surrounding padawans seemed to inch closer to Obi-Wan and Quinlan, their arch commentaries on Obi-Wan’s presence and Quinlan’s boisterous nature forgotten in the face of news and gossip. Highly observant for an initiate, Obi-Wan chewed on his lip as he carefully thought of what to say that would sate Quin’s voracious curiosity but wouldn’t give too much away about Master Ahsoka. He felt very protective of Ahsoka and didn’t want idle gossip to cause her the kind of trouble it had caused Obi-Wan.

“Knight Tano has recently returned from an extended mission in the field,” Obi-Wan finally concluded, thanking the serving droid as he took his tray and stepped away from the food line, Quinlan right on his heels. “She’s been having trouble finding her way with the renovations and I have offered to assist her around the Temple.”

“Tano?” Quinlan echoed, flopping down opposite Obi-Wan at one of the long tables the initiates and padawans sat at. “I don’t remember a knight by that name. What does she do?”

Obi-Wan frowned off to the side, trying to stay silent.

Quinlan narrowed his eyes, his grin growing wider. “You know what she was doing, don’t you! Tell me! C’mon, Obi-Waaaaan! I swear to Yoda I won’t tell a soul!”

Shaking his head, Obi-Wan folded his arms over his chest and continued his mulish silence.

“Obi-Wan!” the Kiffar pleaded, holding up his dessert, hoping it would loosen his friend’s tongue. “I’ll give you my chocolate sponge cake!”

“No!” Obi-Wan refused, shaking his head. “I can’t. I don’t have authorization to tell you.”

“Authorization?” Quinlan gaped, his excitement growing by the minute as he was starting to imagine Knight Tano taking on whole squadrons of pirates over the misty rings of an exotic Outer Rim planet. “Is she a Shadow? Master didn’t say anything about her being a Shadow!”

“Quinlan!” Obi-Wan hissed, leaning under the table to give his friend a good kick in the shins. “Shut your karking mouth before somebody hears you!”

“Language, Initiate,” a low voice rumbled into the two boys squabble and they both turned their faces skyward to see the tall, imposing presence of Master Qui-Gon Jinn standing over them. His face was impassive, neither a smile nor a frown on his lips and his eyes seemed to see beyond them, as if they were not there. “Brother Jedi do not squabble over petty gossip. You would do well to set a proper example for your friend, Padawan Vos.”

And with that bit of wisdom imparted, Master Jinn moved out of the dining hall and into the shadowed archway that led back into the Temple.

Obi-Wan let out a heavy sigh and turned his eyes back to his food as Quinlan let out a snort once he was absolutely certain the mountain of a master was out of earshot. He proceeded to sit up straighter and sniffed in a poor imitation of Master Jinn, “You would do well to be more of a stick in the mud like Luminara, Obi-Wan. She never has any fun and all the masters love her.”

Rolling his eyes, Obi-Wan tucked into his dinner. “Shut up, Quin. I don’t want to get chewed out by two masters tonight.”

Deciding that his empty stomach could hold out no longer, Quinlan followed Obi-Wan’s suggestion and the two boys began to eat in relative silence.

Quinlan didn’t notice Obi-Wan turning around to gaze out at the doorway Master Jinn departed through. I know Master Ahsoka thinks Master Jinn might be a good master for me but… I don’t know. I don’t think any Padawan could ever make him happy.

Obi-Wan bit into his chocolate sponge cake and sighed. Definitely not me.

The next two months passed in a happy blur of activity for Obi-Wan and he almost forgot about his impending birthday. He would eat breakfast with Master Ahsoka, the two of them planning their day around his schedule. Sometimes Master Yoda would join them, sending Obi-Wan off to fetch him a pot of tea while he talked privately with her. He would have given anything to know what the Grand Master and Ahsoka were talking about but he had to accept it was not his place to know.

Once Obi-Wan’s lessons were done for the day, Ahsoka would met him in the Northern Solar room and they would practice jar’kai, focusing on improving Obi-Wan’s non-dominant hand and foot. At first he felt like a failure, dropping his saber time after time but slowly he started to see improvement. His left arm didn’t shake so much when he worked and the forms were starting to feel more natural on his left side, to flow one into the other, clumsily but it was progress.

Sometimes Obi-Wan would eat dinner with Quinlan, or his other agemates who didn’t mind being seen with an initiate, but more often than not he would eat with Ahsoka. One of the masters even started calling him Ahsoka’s little shadow.

Obi-Wan had liked the idea of being the Shadow’s shadow.

Ahsoka always seemed happy to see him, ruffling his hair and putting a hand on his shoulder whenever they spoke to a fellow knight or master. He felt proud when she did that but he did his best to keep such thoughts and emotions behind his shields. Jedi were supposed to be serene and one with the Force around them and puffing up like a preening kyr falcon was generally frowned upon.

Everything was going very well until he was the last initiate in his dorm room and the calendar changed, revealing that there were only three weeks left before his birthday and…

And his fate, whatever that would be.

Ahsoka was at her wits’ end.

Not only was Obi-Wan turning thirteen in three weeks time but Qui-Gon Jinn was away from Coruscant on a diplomatic mission that should have ended nearly a week ago. On top of that, not a single knight or master she had spoken to would even broach the topic of considering Obi-Wan Wan for an apprenticeship.

Try as she might, Ahsoka could not convince the hidebound idiots at the Temple that Obi-Wan was going to grow into one of the greatest Jedi the Order had ever produced.

“I admire your determination. There aren’t many besides Yoda who would advocate so strongly for Kenobi,” Mace Windu said one day while he and Ahsoka were walking through the hallways of the Temple.

As part of her acceptance back into the Order, Master Windu had suggested that Ahsoka meet with him weekly for a chat on how she was adjusting to life back within the confines of the Temple. She understood what he really meant and proceeded to show up on time, every week, at Master Windu’s door, a pleasant bland expression on her face that she had learned from Padme.

“They just don’t know him like I do,” Ahsoka insisted, glancing over the railing of the walkway to watch the initiate in question defeating his opponent in a hand-to-hand combat class. “He has amazing potential in him. If I could just get someone to listen to me instead of laughing me out of the room…”

Master Windu shook his head slowly as a sound came out of him that might have sounded like a chuckle. But surely Ahsoka was hallucinating because Master Windu never laughed. Ever. Anakin had told her once he came out of the womb frowning.

“Ahsoka, if you’re so convinced of his potential, why don’t you take him as a Padawan?” Windu asked, gesturing to the class going on down below. “The Council is still evaluating where your skills could be best put to use. Maybe that is educating young Kenobi on how to mind his temper.”

As if to illustrate Master Windu’s point, Ahsoka watched as Obi-Wan darted over in front of a younger and smaller initiate that was being bullied by a new Padawan. The two stood toe to toe, hands curled into fists, anger swirling around the pair before the teacher sensed the row in the Force and moved to separate the students.

Ahsoka bowed her head as Obi-Wan got the worst of the teacher’s ire.

Controlling his temper? He wasn’t angry! That wasn’t fear or hatred. He was defending that child like a Jedi is supposed to do. Like my master taught me!

Master Windu looked over at Ahsoka and hummed. “Perhaps not. Master Yoda seemed to think Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn would also be a good match.”

Startled out of her brooding, Ahsoka turned back to Master Windu. “He does? Does he know when Qui-Gon Jinn is coming back from his mission on Chandrila?”

“Any day now,” Windu said, moving forward. “But I highly doubt Qui-Gon would take Kenobi after what happened to his last one.”

Ahsoka sighed. “Obi-Wan told me he swore before the Council he would never take another Padawan but he didn’t tell me what caused him to do that.”

“Qui-Gon’s last padawan fell to the Dark Side,” Windu murmured, his gaze distant as they turned a corner, sliding apart so that a clutch of younglings could run past them giggling. “The Temple lost track of his padawan shortly thereafter and when Qui-Gon returned to Coruscant, he made a… dramatic announcement to the Council.”

Ahsoka blinked as she sensed that Master Windu did not think that highly of Master Jinn’s behavior on that matter and wondered if the Korun master had ever approved of anyone.

“So then why does Yoda think Master Jinn and Obi-Wan would be a good fit?” Ahsoka asked, curious herself now that she knew more of Qui-Gon’s backstory. Anakin had never mentioned a brother padawan to Master Obi-Wan and it stood to reason that he hadn’t known. Ahsoka was already gnashing her teeth every night as she struggled to reconstruct what she knew of the past and Master Obi-Wan’s activities as a Padawan, to say nothing of the actions leading up to the Crisis on Naboo, the Clone Wars and the nightmare that came after that. She had already filled two datapads with just her memories alone.

Stars above, Master. I wish you had been just a bit more curious about Master Obi-Wan’s apprenticeship. Didn’t you know I was going to tumble backwards in time and need a detailed timeline and a complete biography of who’s who?

“You would have to ask Master Yoda,” Windu shrugged, walking over to a turbolift as Ahsoka followed him. “If you’ll excuse me, we’ll have to finish our talk early today. I’m needed at a Senate committee meeting.”

“Oh? Who called the meeting?” Ahsoka asked, feigning curiosity even as she was planning when she could pin Master Yoda down and ask him about Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. She had gone to the Tower to get a sachet of particularly expensive tea and wondered if she could bribe the little green master into revealing some details of his plans for the initiate.

“Senator Palpatine from Naboo in the Chommel sector,” Master Windu shrugged, stepping through the turbolift doors that had just sprung open. “Something to do about trade route disputes. Just more routine squabbling with the Trade Federation, no doubt.”

Ahsoka froze mid-nod, her heart nearly stopping in her chest. She looked up at Mace Windu, who arched an eyebrow, sensing the sudden change in her mood in the Force. Working quickly, Ahsoka drew her shields even higher, trying to smile and wave off the Korun master’s suspicions. “That definitely sounds like a job for you, Master Windu! I hope the negotiations are short.”

Windu folded his arms over his chest as the door slid shut. “We’ll talk later, Knight Tano.”

Ahsoka watched the lights on the turbolift click through the floors of the Temple before she was positive Master Windu was on the level that would take him to a transport and then onwards to the Senate building.

Senator Palpatine?

He was here?

He was a Senator already?

How far along was he into his plans? How much time did she have to stop him? Did her mere presence in the past mean he was going to move up the timetable? Could he move up the timetable?

Ahsoka walked over to a small dark corner and backed up against the wall, wrapping her arms around herself as she tried to calm down, tried to steady her breathing and her heart rate. If Palpatine was already in the Senate, it was too late to block that avenue to power, which meant she would have to find another way to foil his plans, another way to keep him from his ultimate goal.

I have to be patient. I have to calm down. Anakin hasn’t even been born yet! Obi-Wan is still an initiate and at this rate he’s not even going to make it as a Padawan! There’s still time. I can still prevent the future I came from.

I can still save them.

I cannot let Anakin down.

I will not let you become Darth Vader, Master.

“Are you alright, Knight Tano?” a vaguely familiar low voice asked, intruding into her small panic attack.

Ahsoka glanced up into the concerned face of Qui-Gon Jinn, almost letting out a sob of relief. She swallowed down the fear that was scrabbling at her heart and squeezing all the air out of her lungs, trying to return Qui-Gon’s look of concern with a composed one of her own. “Oh, Master Jinn, hello! I didn’t realize you were back.”

Judging by the frown on his face and the knit of his brows, she had failed.

“What troubles you, young one?” he asked, his arms folded into the sleeves of his robe. “I sense a great deal of fear and anxiety in the Force around you, Ahsoka.”

Touched that he remembered his name, Ahsoka tried to come up with a way to explain her fears without letting the truth tumble out of her like spilt blue milk. “I… I had a vision, of the future. It was horrible, Master Jinn. I saw my master and my friends, dead and dying. And my master… he… he was begging me to help him but… I didn’t. I couldn’t. It was a terrible nightmare and I… I’m having trouble letting it go.”

Qui-Gon nodded at Ahsoka’s story, his gaze shifting from her face to a distant spot down the hallway, stroking his beard in a way that almost painfully paralleled Master Obi-Wan. She watched him think, felt the Force settling around him like a well-worn and comfortable robe, warm and insulating against the ice-cold of her panic. For a moment, Ahsoka could relax and let someone else shoulder a small fraction of her burden. In that way, it was nice to be back in the Temple with wise elders she could seek out for advice.

“This vision you had, you believe it is of the future?” Qui-Gon finally spoke, turning back to observe her with a thoughtful detachment. He was a distant mountain, large and imposing but unreachable and try as she might, Ahsoka could not get a feel for Master Jinn in the Force.

Nodding, she answered. “Yes. I’m positive it is the future. It’s… a warning. I believe.”

“The future is always in motion, Ahsoka,” Qui-Gon murmured, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. “And by neglecting your focus on the here and now, on the Living Force, you risk fixating on something that may never happen. Keep your mind on the Living Force and all will be well.”

Ahsoka recognized the wisdom in Qui-Gon’s words and slowly nodded. She couldn’t let her fears of one possible future derail her efforts in the here and now. Too much was riding on her. “Thank you. I… It’s hard sometimes, not having my master to go to in times like these.”

“I’m sure he would agree that your fears are unfounded,” Qui-Gon smiled, a muted one but a smile all the same. “Visions and dreams, these things pass in time, Ahsoka. It is only with great wisdom and experience that a Jedi can learn to interpret a true vision from a collection of fears and worries.”

“Yes, of course,” Ahsoka agreed, already feeling better as panic lifted from her shoulders. “You’re right. He would have told me to focus on what was right in front of me.”

And to kick its ass. Ahsoka thought wryly.

“A wise man, your late master,” Master Jinn pronounced. “Now if you'll excuse me, I must make my report to the Council while the details are fresh in my mind.”

Ahsoka was about to let him go when she remembered Obi-Wan. “Master Jinn? I’m working with an initiate on jar’kai and I wanted to show him how it works in saber combat. If it’s not too much trouble, would you be willing to spar with me? My master spoke highly of your skills.”

Master Obi-Wan was technically going to be my original master so… Force, this is exhausting!

Qui-Gon paused and canted his head to the side, considering Ahsoka’s request for a long, silent moment. When he came to a decision he stood up to his full height, tall and strong like the wroshyr trees of Kashyyyk. “Yes. I believe I could find the time for you, Knight Tano. Good day.”

Ahsoka watched as the master strode off down the hallway, a mirage of a mountain range, fading into the soft grey shadows of the Temple.

“Yes!” Ahsoka cheered to herself, pumping her fists in the air. “Just you wait, Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon will be giving you that braid by the end of the week!”

[starship-squidlet]

Kurta’s Moving Castle: Chapter 2

Summary: Leorio wonders about his mysterious saviour, gets cursed by a creepy wizard dude, and makes a new feathered friend.

Word count: 2,926

Disclaimer: Kurta’s Moving Castle Preface

Original A/N: I have no self-control, so here’s chapter 2 already...

Previous chapter: Chapter 1

Next chapter: Chapter 3

“I have so many questions,” Zepile sighed, handing Leorio a towel-wrapped bundle of ice cubes to hold against the throbbing bruise on his face.

“So do I,” Leorio grumbled.

“What happened?” Melody asked gently.

“I’m not really sure,” Leorio sighed. “One minute, I was getting punched by this soldier, and the next I was running around with some cute blond twink, who, by the way, saved me from said soldier and his beefcake buddy.”

“But how did you end up on the balcony?” Zepile demanded, passing Leorio a drink and ignoring another customer at the end of the bar in favor of Leorio’s story.

“I’m… not really sure,” Leorio sighed. “I think… I think we flew, but that’s not possible. I probably just hit my head harder than I realized.”

“You know who flying isn’t impossible for?” Zepile poured the other customer’s drink and slid it down the bartop. “Wizards. Wizards can do anything, and flying counts as anything. They said the Moving Castle was spotted out at the near edge of the Wastes recently. Maybe you ran into its wizard.”

“Kurapika?” Leorio laughed. “He’s as much of a legend as that castle. And anyways, the legends say that he only goes after the Spiders. They don’t say anything about rescuing damsels--or doctors--in distress.”

Zepile shrugged and crossed his arms. “You never know.”

“The legends also say that Kurapika steals the hearts of the people he meets and eats them,” Leorio retorted. “Clearly, I still have my heart.”

“Are you sure?” Melody teased. “I’ve been able to hear yours pound since we found you on that balcony. Maybe he stole it figuratively, not literally.”

Leorio bit back a retort, opting instead to curse Melody’s inhuman hearing, and chugged more of the drink Zepile had passed him than was probably advisable, given his head wound. He stood up, just barely catching his stool before it could fall to the floor, and handed the now-damp towel back to Zepile. “Look, whatever, happened, it kind of killed my desire for a night out. I’m just going to head back. I’ll see you two later.”

“Are you sure?” Melody asked, instantly worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Leorio sighed. “I just want to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Hey, don’t be a stranger, okay?” Zepile said. “You haven’t been coming around much. It’s been too quiet around here!”

Leorio glanced around the nearly-empty bar. “I’m not really sure that’s my fault,” he laughed. “I’ll start coming by more often once I pass my final exams, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Zepile sighed. “Good luck!”

“Thanks!” Leorio called over his shoulder, already on his way out the door.

Thankfully, his trip home was far less eventful.

.*.*.*.*.*.

When Leorio got into the infirmary, he locked the door behind him. It had been a long night, even though he hadn't even been gone a full two hours, and he was ready for bed. He peeked into the main ward, where long lines of occupied beds stretched down the length of the huge room, broken here and there by curtained dividers to give patients a modicum of privacy. At the far end, the night nurse and on-call doctor had set up a card table and were playing a game. They glanced in Leorio's direction when the light from his candle illuminated the entry, offering small waves and shushing motions when they recognized him. He held up a hand, partly in greeting, partly in apology for any disturbance he may have caused, and slipped back out into the waiting room.

When Leorio turned around, he had to stifle a shriek. Directly behind him—literally, the guy was only about two steps behind him—stood a well-built, well-dressed man, not much older than Leorio himself. His dark hair was slicked back so that it actually glinted in the moonlight (Leorio couldn't quite tell if it shone from grease or gel, and he didn't much care to ask), and an eerie smile, unechoed in his dark eyes, played across his lips.

"Um, hi…" Leorio squeaked, sidestepping to put the reception desk between himself and the stranger. "Can I, uh, help you?"

No response.

"The main part of the infirmary is closed right now actually—I could have sworn I locked that door—but if you have an emergency, I can take you back into the ward to see the doctor on call."

The man arched a deliberate eyebrow. "Why would I come to a dingy little place like this if I were injured? I'd be more concerned about the risk of infection than the injury itself."

Leorio glanced around at the infirmary's spotless walls and floor. Dingy? "Sir, I think it's best you leave," he drew himself up to his full height, an easy six inches over the stranger, and marched towards the door, yanking it open—a little harder than was strictly necessary—and holding it there.

The man grinned a wicked smile, all teeth and no emotion, and swept forward, his coat billowing behind him. As he approached, he picked up speed, and Leorio couldn't help but flinch back into the wall as the man passed him—passed through him?—and vanished into the deep shadows in the street lamps. As he blew past, Leorio thought he heard the words "And you won't be able to tell anyone if you try!" sung gleefully on the wind.

When Leorio tried to straighten himself, he discovered that he couldn't quite seem to reach his full height. The more he stretched, the more pains shot through his back, and the more snap, crackle, pops he heard, echoing vaguely in the empty waiting room. "What the…" his voice trailed off as he caught sight of his reflection in the nearest window.

No. Fucking. Way.

He bolted back towards the dormitory he shared with a few of the visiting doctors and nurses. The whole way, his ankles, knees, hips, and even spine continued to pop and crack, and his legs were unsteady as he tottered along the hallway, which suddenly seemed about three times as long as normal. By the time he reached his room, he was gasping for breath.

Only once the door was securely latched behind him did Leorio risk a glance in the mirror over his washbasin. He was unable to contain the inhuman sound that escaped his mouth at the sight.

"What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?" He chanted the phrase like a mantra, pawing at the wrinkled skin that now covered his face with long, thin fingers covered with even more wrinkly skin. His knuckles and wrists were knobbly, and throbbed with a deep-seated burning ache. Now that he noticed it, the ache was everywhere—every joint in his legs, his wrists, his elbows, even his shoulders, and a long streak of fire ran up his back, along his spinal cord.

This isn't possible. I'm seeing things. I hit my head, and the drink at Zepile's is coming at me harder than I expected. I'm hallucinating. I'm dreaming. Maybe I'm dead back in that alleyway and this whole night has been a dream. He wasn't sure which possibility he preferred. He took a deep breath, ignoring the rattle in his chest and the fact that it somehow made him even more out of breath to do so, and steadied himself against the small table that housed the washbasin. "Just go to bed, Leorio. Everything will be fine in the morning."

Somehow, saying it out loud didn't help him believe it.

.*.*.*.*.*.

Sleeping wasn't as easy as Leorio had hoped. He got in a few hours, but when the sun came up, it found him seated on the edge of his bed, bundled in a blanket against the chill of the night. Sleeping also hadn't proved the cure for Leorio's sudden aging. He actually felt somehow older by the time the sun came up.

By the time Melody knocked on his door, he had resigned himself to his fate.

"Leorio?" her gentle voice seemed as loud through the light door as if she were standing next to him.

"Don't come in!" he croaked in reply. "I've got a really bad cold, and I don't want you to get it. Too many nights up studying late. Can you tell Cheadle I need to take the day off?"

"Of course," Melody's voice was sympathetic. "You do sound awful. I'll pass on the message, and I'll be back up to check on you after lunch, okay? Call down if you need anything."

"I'll be fine, thanks," Leorio called back. "No need to check in. I'll let you know if I need anything."

He listened to her light footsteps fading away. Through the floor of his room, he could hear the residents of the dormitory eating breakfast before heading to their shifts.

I'll have to time this carefully.

Leorio had made up his mind shortly after waking up to realize that he, quite literally, hadn't gotten any younger. I can't be a doctor if I can't use my hands. No sense staying around here to be a burden to anyone, not to mention they'd probably make me a subject of scientific study, since I can't tell them what happened. He'd already tried to talk about the curse—because what else could it be?—to his reflection in the mirror, but whenever he tried his jaw would lock up and the words would stick in his throat.

Leorio gathered up his things, packing only a few extra changes of clothes and his most comprehensive notebooks—just because I can't be a doctor doesn't mean I can't be a medic in a pinch—listening carefully to the activity below. He would only have a short window of time before the hired cooks finished making breakfast and started cleaning up from breakfast, while they were eating. As soon as he heard the sounds of cooking stop, he bolted down to the kitchen. At least, he did whatever the 90-year-old grandpa version of "bolting" was.

He only snitched a few things from the kitchen: a loaf of bread, a chunk off a wheel of cheese, a few apples, some dried meat. Once these were securely bundled in a kerchief and tucked into the top of his rucksack, he stepped outside. Immediately, he was glad he had put on his good coat, because the autumn chill that had been so brisk and pleasant the day before was now biting and frigid, cutting straight to the bones of his exposed hands and face. He yanked his hat further down over his ears, shoved his hands in his pockets, and appreciated his heavy knit scarf as he headed for the edge of the city.

.*.*.*.*.*.

Leorio was fortunate enough to score a ride on a cart traveling out to one of the more distant farms between the city and the wastes. The farmer and his son were nice, and his wife tried to persuade Leorio to spend the night in their hayloft, insisting that it was far too dangerous for a gentleman of his stature (meaning: age) to wander out in the wastes in this weather (clear, but chilly). Leorio politely but insistently refused, promising that he wasn't going much further, just out far enough to visit an old friend, and he would reach his destination long before nightfall.

Clearly, it was all a lie.

As Leorio trudged up the hill past the farm, bundled up tightly in his coat and scarf, he bemoaned his fate. With the city laid out before him like a painting, he seriously considered going back to the infirmary. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe they wouldn't use me as a test subject. But, as he gnawed on a piece of hard cheese, he knew that he was just lying to himself.

He already missed Melody and Zepile, too. It wasn't fair to run off and leave them wondering about his fate, and he knew that. I should have left a note. Melody was so kind and caring; his disappearance might send her into a panic (realistically, Leorio knew her well enough to know that was unlikely). Zepile wouldn't be as frantic, but Leorio knew he would worry too. Leorio sighed and stood up as abruptly as he could, wincing at the pops that burst from his knees and hips.

"No point thinking about what I should've or could've done," he declared to the open air, trying to get used to the sound of his new voice. "Looking on the bright side, I'm pretty healthy, aside from the obvious rheumatism. I don't think I'm senile, and I still have all of my teeth. Things could be worse!"

He turned around and nearly screamed. Standing behind him, for some reason, was an enormous chicken with brilliant red plumage atop its head.

"Who the fuck are you?" Leorio wheezed.

The bird cocked its head to the side, as though it was asking Leorio what exactly he meant by that question.

Leorio took a shaky step backwards, fully aware that he was much older than he was used to being and a simple fall could prove disastrous. "Look… friend… I'm not gonna lie to you: I've never really been a fan of chickens. I mean, you're better than pigeons—I swear those damn things are out to get me sometimes—but I just really don't like birds, and you in particular are way bigger than any bird is supposed to be and… I don't like that."

The bird cocked her head—Leorio didn't know why he thought it was a girl, he just did—and gave a gentle squawk.

Leorio sighed. "Well, if you're determined to stick around… I don't suppose you could help me find a cane or a staff or something in those woods over there, could you?"

The bird chirruped happily and bounded away, head held high so that her feathers flounced in her wake.

"Well, I guess that worked pretty well…" Leorio mumbled, hurriedly packing up his supplies and heading off. The way he saw it, this was a win-win situation: either the bird never came back, or she brought him a cane of some kind to walk with. He spared a thought to her intelligence. Maybe she's cursed too?

To his surprise, it wasn't long before the bird was fluttering along behind him, half-flying in her excitement, a long, knobby stick clutched in her beak. She skidded to a stop beside him and dropped the stick at—nearly on—his feet, cocking her head proudly to the side like she was waiting for adulation. Leorio had to chuckle and reached out to scratch her neck.

"Good girl," he sighed. "Now"—(and this one he was really, truly proud of)—"what do you think about finding me somewhere warm and dry to sleep tonight? It looks like it could storm any minute."

The bird let out an ecstatic screech and took off, racing along the winding, hilly road. Leorio arched an eyebrow and chuckled to himself. Old people are craftier than I ever have them credit for.

.*.*.*.*.*.

Leorio never expected to see the bird again. Therefore, it was one of the biggest shocks in his life when she sprinted back into view, screaming wildly.

"What the hell!?" he squawked, unwilling to admit how much he sounded like the bird in that moment.

The true source of his shock, however, was not the bird racing towards him, but instead the massive, disheveled building lumbering along behind it. "The Moving Castle," he gaped, recognition striking him like a lightning bolt. "Kurapika's palace… that's what passes for a castle these days?"

In the time it took him to make these observations, the bird had latched onto his scarf with her beak, half unwinding it. It tried to tug him towards the castle, which was already nearly on top of them. "Okay, fine, I'm coming!" Leorio yelped, stumbling forward.

He ran towards the castle as fast as his aching legs would carry him, dodging spindly legs and a low-hanging doorstep. He gulped and grabbed onto the railing of the step as it flashed past him, his arm nearly ripping out of its socket as he was yanked along behind the castle. While he struggled to keep up, he felt his scarf tear away from his neck, fluttering away in the wind that had picked up as the storm began to pick up. “My scarf!” he shouted, grabbing at it with his free hand, to no avail. The bird sprinted off after the garment, and Leorio gave them both up.

With not a small amount of effort on his part, Leorio eventually managed to haul himself up onto the stoop of the lumbering castle. He laid back on the steps and gasped for breath. When he heard a tremendous squawk off somewhere in the distance, he propped himself up on his elbows. To his lessening surprise (considering how many times it had happened at this point), the giant chicken was racing towards him, his scarf clutched in her beak.

“Thanks!” Leorio shouted to be heard over the noise of the wind and the creaking of the castle’s alarmingly skinny legs as he reached out to take his scarf from the bird. “Look, I hate to leave you out here in this weather on your own, but it would be a shame to have climbed up here just to decide not to go inside.” He opened the door and popped his head in, then turned around to look at the bird again. “It’s nice and warm inside. I could do worse. Thanks for all your help, bird! Maybe we’ll meet again someday!”

[amnachil]

The College Society Chapter 3 Part 1

I’m late (as always) but here we are ! Chapter 3 now begins ! I counter 13 part, so it will be kinda long, i hope you’ll enjoy the story.

A little summary of the past event :

Our MC Liam, a delirius boy, starts College in a city on the other side of the country. He expects to have a peaceful year far away his old problems with his family and his ex-boyfriend... Little did he know he would go right into the den of a secret community : the hunters.

Now he’s the prey of the most famous of them all, Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey, the Dean’s grandson. Will the very rude and gifted hunter manage to sleep with Liam ? Not so sure, when many problems from the past and from the community arise to stop him.

Liam can count on his friend to support him through everything. Now all he has to do is survive his freshman year the best he can.

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey Tuesday January 15 – Wednesday January 16

"What do you mean we all have to help you ?"

"Exactly what it means idiot. You're all gonna give me a hand."

The cooking club supervisor sighed. He wasn't happy with Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey demand, but he hadn't the choice. I ejaculated over his whole podgy body, he have to obey. In fact, he made this whole body plump. Anyway, he needed help from these dumbass people. I can't cook thousands of pastries myself ! I need to live my life too ! And by life, I mean I need to fuck at least four times a day.

"What if we don't want to help you ?" asked Pete from his table. "I mean, you hadn't been nice to me even once, I don't know why I should be with you ?"

You scumbag. When did you became so ballsy ? This little fatty was happy because Theo had been back in his bed one time per month or so.

"I'll tell you why you'll help me little whale." whispered dangerously the Dean's grandson. "You know, I wonder what would happen if my dear grandpa came into your flat and found this weed of yours."

This argument had been working since his first year here. All these dummies addicted to drugs ! They were so happy to comply when he mentioned his great father.

"Okay, I'll help." mumbled Pete. "As long as I can bake some goods for myself."

Oh yeah, I bet you need them for your diet. This half-wit probably ignored he was near the limit of Theo's preference. But anyway, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey had his own goal in mind. Because a man's heart went through his stomach after all.

Things had begun to go well. Since last saturday, Liam started to open. The more sweet food I offer, the more he seems happy. It's good. However, the handsome freshman decided to play it slow. From time to time, when they were alone, he would spontaneously take the blond's hand. But nothing more yet. It's frustrating but it would too easy otherwise I guess. At least, it meant Theo wasn't doing any progress on his own. There was only one problem. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey wasn't patient. He wasn't born to wait. So he decided to keep his mind busy by any means. Also, this morning, he headed towards the union's student building. He directly ran into this silly Javier. The donkey smiled softly.

"Hi dude." he greeted. "Going to see Summer ?"

"Hell no. Why would I in the first place ? I'm here for you."

"Me ? What's the matter ?"

This little coward already started to panic. Such a pathetic man. He had made a niche for himself in Summer's shadow. She had always took the punch for him. Clever, but not really bold. Poor guy.

"The matter is Barbara. I heard things about her. You were supposed to control her. To watch her. I don't want this bitch to do whatever she wants."

"I did what I can man !" promised Javier.

"And by that you mean sleep with her ? C'mon, I thought you were smarter than that. This blonde bimbo is a power hunter. The more powerful she gets, she more hungry she'll be. The more hungry she's, the more a pain in my ass she'll be. Do you understand this ?"

"Yes. But what should I do ?"

"I want her and her boyfriend back together. It's a nice boy, quiet and sweet. Against his own will, he's dragging her down. He's her human's side."

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey then left the campus. He had someone to meet for another important matter. Strangely, in the subway, his mind drifted towards Liam. The chestnut lad was more than an idiotic monkey. When they were together, he had this shine in the eyes. The junior knew it was for the food, of course, but... He sometimes felt something. And his touch was softer than he expected. His hands were big, warm. And why the hell Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey accepted to be called Dami ? Nobody ever called him Dami. Except his damned family, one person gave him a nickname, back in time. The only person allowed to. But Liam had took this right. I don't understand this dude at all. Muller was right, he's a true lover. A real innocent, that our perverted society didn't transform. But slowly, he was going to be corrupted. I'm hunting him. I want to bang him. And I'll succeed, like always.

The lad finally arrived at an old house. It was a creepy one, like those old buildings the kids would consider haunted. He knocked at the door and waited. It wasn't like his others meetings. He wasn't here for sex, sadly. My dick could use a good tongue right now, but I'll have to be patient.

"Hi Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey." greeted Deborah while opening. "Long time no see."

He entered in the house and smiled.

"I know you're better outside the campus, but has it to be this far ? You know I hate the subway. I fucked people everywhere in it."

"Two sentences and already we are speaking about your cock. That's impressive."

"Not my fault if my prick is a wonderful topic of conversation."

"Yeah. You're so funny. Anyway, come, I've the list you asked for."

Liam Friday 18 January

When he entered the locker room, late as always, Liam ran into Nick. It was unsual, and for several reason. First, because no one ever showed up at the pool on a friday night. The chestnut lad was used to be alone, or maybe sometimes with Theo. (The ogre was nice to him, so he tried to play it cool). (But he declined eveything which looked like food). Secondly, Nick had said he never intended to swim. He had called himself Laura's assistant. Now I wonder, why he's refusing to swim ? Is he a magical creature ?

"Dude, are you in love with this locker ?" asked his roommate. "Because you're staring it for at least two minutes now..."

"Sorry. I was just surprised. What are you doing here ?"

Nick wrinkled his nose.

"I need your help with a important matter. But it's personnal. Can you keep things for yourself in this imaginary world of yours ?"

"I guess. There are some truth I never said to anyone about the unicorns."

(These magicals creatures had some dark secrets to hide).

"Okay so... I want to lose some weight after all. I don't feel very at peace with myself. And because I don't want to make pointless workout or whatever, I thought it would be a good occasion to learn swimming in the same time. It's a long run plan."

It took some time for Liam to understand the whole thing. Nick wanted to lose weight, okay. Nick didn't like senseless workout, okay. He wanted to learn swimming, not okay. Did that mean he... didn't know how to swim ?

"I never visited a pool or the sea before you dragged me there." explained the raven-haired lad with reluctance. "I never put a foot into water since I'm... afraid of it."

When he said it was personnal... I expected something big but not like this... (Liam thought his friend would reveal himself as a mermaid or something). But in fact, he just was scared by water ? (Maybe it explained why he drank mainly beer).

"The good thing with you Liam is that you don't laugh, tease or mock people." mumbled Nick. "I just don't know if it's because you're stupid or extremely nice."

"Both probably."

They went to the pool. The chestnut lad looked at his friend. For the first time, he saw him with only swimming trunks. Nick was 179 cm (5'10") and probably weighted around 85 kg (187 pounds). The main part of his excess went straight into his belly. It was fleshy, well-padded. Since it was mostly beer's fault, he had only light lovehandles, discretly hanging over his trunks. However, because he also ate a lot of fast food, and christmas had just passed, his upper body had a bit of flab too. The lack of exercice permitted the emergence of little moobs. His arms and legs got some pudge aswell. In a way, Liam found him kinda cute. He wasn't watching people's physic to make his opinion anymore. Before 11th grade, he mostly liked chubby girl. Curves were his turn-on. But then, he discovered his attirance for the same gender. And his ex boyfriend had been quite a twig at first. Liam now based his love interest mostly in function of personality anyway.

"Dude, can you stop looking at me that way ?" asked suddenly Nick.

Liam shook his head. Then, he realised his roommate was talking to Theo. I didn't even noticed him. For someone as impressive as him, he's very discreet. (Or Liam wasn't observant at all). Anyway, the ogre smiled. Damnit, he had sharp teeth.

"Sorry. Anyway, are you ready for your first lesson ?"

The chestnut lad wasn't sure to understand what was going on, but Nick turned towards him.

"I already said everything to Theo. He'll teach me, and you're here to help. Is that okay for you ?"

"Of course."

And I'll also protect you, you can count on me.

Later this night, when they arrived home, Liam felt exhausted. It was almost 11pm, and he was dozy. I'll need to sleep until at least 3am. (3am of Sunday, obviously). They were at their door when suddenly, Rebecca opened her. She let Matthew go out, and then smiled to them.

"Hi neighbors." she laughed. "It's suprising to see both of you out so late."

Nick didn't answer. He just went in as fast as possible. (The lesson with Theo had been difficult...) (He hadn't actually succeeded to go into the water, because he was deeply scared).

"Excuse him." said politely Liam. "It has been a rough day."

"Don't worry, I don't care about all this crap anymore. He doesn't want to talk to me ? His lost. I'm an awesome girl after all."

And she just closed her door. Oh. Okay ? Rebecca changed a lot since September. At start, she was only focused on sport. Then, she had this boyfriend, and started to grow apart from them. And now, she had become a complete stranger. (It was clear : the witch possessed her). (The forces of evil were everywhere, Judy had warned him).

Barbara Saturday 19 January

"Please, you need to do this."

The blond girl raised an eyebrow. She started to feel a bit bothered. Javier was more than insistent. I can guess he has an ulterior motive.

"Barb, please. For me ?"

They had sex once. It's not like if they were a couple. It was Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey's condition to let her become the future head of the student. Take Javier's virginity. This guy... He's ruling this whole university. It's impressive. It reminded her of Raphaël, in highschool.

"I can't go back with Colton." she eventually responded. "He's sweet, attentive and handsome, but he has zero charisma. I mean, he's just a random hot guy in a random university. I don't want this."

It wasn't attractive for her. Some girls loved this, she was sure Colton would soon fine the perfect one for him.

"Are you sure ?" asked Javier again.

"Yes I'm. No more discussion. The meeting is about to begin."

She entered in the student union office followed by the vice-president. Summer was already there. They glared at eachother. I don't like her, she doesn't like me. The king put us in the same room knowing that would happen. Barbara already had undestood this junior's girl would be an obstacle. For now, they had all agreed to appoint her as the next head of the student. But Summer was up to something.

"Welcome everyone." this latter started. "We don't have so much to discuss today. Let's start with the boring stuff."

There were the treasurer, his right arm, the secretary, Javier, Summer and Barbara. They talked about the budget, and some request from fraternities, sororities or clubs. Afterwards, the president went on the main subject of this meeting.

"Now guys. I received this morning a letter from the Dean, Mr. Carrey. He said someone has vandalized the science building. He's very unpleased with this. We have to found the person responsible, and the faster, the better. That'll be all for today, see you on next Saturday."

The freshman girl was pleased with how things were going. Everything is working according to the plan. It had been difficult at start. The college was way more bigger than her previous highschool. But anyway, it wasn't time to think about past. Barbara headed towards the dormitory B, a mixed one. Unlike her ex Colton, she hadn't enough money to literally buy a flat downtown. He's rich, I can't deny this. As for her, she shared a tiny apartment with two roommates. One was a sophomore named Brandon Lee who was studying mathematics. To be honest, even after more than four months together, she didn't know him well. He was often absent, and when there, locked up in his room. The other was an old friend, Jessica Trevor, who dropped university. She was still registered, and allowed to be in the dormitory. But in truth, she worked as a hairdress trainee in town. She was the only one home when Barbara arrived.

"I'm back." this one anounced. "The meeting ended sooner than I thought."

Jessy was watching TV. She barely listened. They knew each other since elementary school. They were at the same highschool until 11th grade. For her last year, Barbara moved in the north. When they had met again in September, they were so happy to be reunited. At least until I discovered we became just too different. Jessy had lost her ambition. She was just a regular chubby girl now. The blonde girl entered in her room and closed the door. I have so many things to think about. She needed to meet the Dean as soon as possible. She wanted to be recognized. She had worked her whole life to be perfect. Good grades, good in sport, always delegate. Until 12th grade, she was ruling her class, even her whole highschool with her partner, Raphaël. They were the king and the queen. Back then, she hadn't realised this. But during 12th grade, she had lived some... striking event. And now, she was ready to be a queen again. And the queen they have right now, this stupid Summer ? I will crush her.

To be continued

A new POV ! Barbara is an old character of The High School Game. She was the class rep, a wise and cautious girl. But she knows what she want, and she doesn’t like Liam in the slightest...

Liam and Dami’s relationship improve, but there is still so many ordeal... And Theo is lurking from the shadow.

Just so you know, the story takes place at the same time than To the Perfection. Watch the dates to see when the events are happening.

[julia-highstorms]

Satisfied (Jax x Lily) - NSFW

Summary: This fanfic takes place in an AU during Chapters 10 - The Massacre and 11 - The Den, when Jax rescues Amy (MC) and Lily and takes them do the Shadow Den as his guests and he shows them how a good host he is. *wiggle eyebrows*

Author’s note: my submission for Choices Creates #65 - Non-canon couples by @clonedhayden! I loved how Lily fangirled so hard over Jax (me too, sis, me too!) and they shared so many things in common (starting by their love for trashy movies lol and especially after Lily chose to go with the Clanless in today's chapter and now I won't see my two favorite characters sigh), and I lived for that threesome scene, so… All characters belong to Pixelberry and some of the dialogues here are from the game. If you don’t want to see this kind of content in your dash, please, filter the tag “#Jax x Lily”. And no hate will be allowed towards my favorite bi mess nerdy best friend cinnamon roll girl!!!! And I'm laughing with this summary because it is so cheesy lol I can't even stand myself sometimes

Pairing: Jax x Lily

Rating: 18+/NSFW (I'm pretty sure it's almost impossible to write a vampire fanfic without smutt so…)

Word count: 4034

Tagging @clonedhayden @priyasayeed @itsalliepg @boneandfur @ladynonsense @walkerismychoice @darley1101 I'm sorry if you didn't want to be tagged on this!!

If someone had told Lily Spencer a week ago that she would have been almost killed by a vampire, then Turned into one by her best friend and roommate's boss, and then be in a (vampire) themed masquerade ball, she would have definitely laughed on their face and asked "dude, what are you smoking? Because I need some of it".

But that was exactly what happened. And now, she and Amy were just back to New York. One second they were dancing and having fun in that ridiculously fancy masquerade ball and the next… a bunch of vampire zombies came in attacking everyone. Adrian told them to flee and stay safe. Since their apartment wasn't safe - she almost died there a couple of nights before - and with both Adrian and Kamilah out - they stayed with the other Clan leaders having an emergency reunion after the attack -, Amy called this “Clanless rebel leader guy” she knew whose name sounded like as if he was a videogame character, Jax with a ‘x’.

“This is the ‘safehouse’?” - Lily asked as both girls followed Jax’s directions to a run-down warehouse in Hoboken. - “Cuz, uh, it feels like sketch city.”

“This is the address he gave me. If he doesn’t show up in five minutes, we’re going back to the—“

Suddenly a shadow appeared next to Lily and Amy, startling them both. Lily hid behind her friend by instinct.

“Amy.” - the dark haired man said with a low, husky voice. He wore a leather jacket that fitted perfectly into his body.

Damn, he was hot!

“Jax!” - her friend shouted in response, a hand on her chest.

Lily felt Jax’s eyes looking curiously at her ripped gown.

“You’ve got a Clan it seems. So what do you need me for?” - he calmly said as he waved his hand towards the Brand Adrian gave her.

“Uh… it’s kind of a long story…”

“I’m immortal. I’ve got time.” - Jax crossed his arms above his chest, his muscles visibly flexing under his jacket. Hmm.

“We were at the Awakening Ball…”

“Pffft. Elitist wankery.”

“Ha!” - Lily couldn’t contain herself.

“Really, Lily?” - Amy glared at her.

“Sorry. I mean, it was fun, but at the same time I agree. Is that wrong?”

“Please, go on.” - Jax said to her best friend, after nodding at Lily in agreement.

“Well, a bunch of Ferals got in and started attacking everyone. The Council members fought back and killed them, but now tensions are running high while they try to figure out who let them in…”

“And unrest in the Council means unrest for the Clanless.” - Jax scowled. - “Come with me.”

He led them down a side alley where the walls were covered in old posters and ads. He stopped in front of an ancient poster for a movie titled ‘Blood Sacrifice: Dracula’s Revenge’.

“Oh man, this movie’s so good. The part where Dracula rips that dude’s throat out and uses it as a straw…”

“That’s my favorite part too. Always nice to meet a vampire with taste.” - Jax grinned at her and Lily felt her cheeks flushing. He was insanely hot and liked cheesy-looking horror movies full of unnecessary violence and bloodshed like her! Maybe that night wouldn’t end so bad after all. He hooked his hand behind the poster and slid it aside, revealing a ladder descending into darkness. - “After you.”

They took the ladder down into an abandoned subway tunnel. Famous last words. Now they were going to be killed there. To where was this dude taking them again?

“This is it?” - it was eerie and dimly lit, and their words echoed off the walls when they talked.

“Um… how well do you know this guy again, Amy?” - Lily nervously whispered to her friend. Jax gave them both an appraising look before continuing down the tunnel wordlessly. She and Amy shared a look, before following.

“How long ago were you Turned, Lily?” - he asked as they walked further and further.

“Not that long. A couple of days.”

“You seem like you’re adjusting well.”

“I’ve had a lot of help and support.” - she smiled, remembering Adrian’s warm welcome to his Clan and Kamilah helping her adjust with her new super sensitive senses and strength. With her new life, basically.

“Must be nice.”

“She was lucky to get a special approval after her Turning, because Adrian saved her life after she was attacked and left for dead…”

“I’m so grateful to him.”

“Screw the Council.” - Jax scowled.

“What?” - why he was so suddenly mad?

“Why should it be up to six vampires of a secret council to decide which of us lives or dies? Shouldn’t we all have that right?”

“Well…” - Lily didn’t think much about what it meant being a Clan vampire. She was just so excited and overwhelmed by her new life that she never thought about the other side. About what that meant to those who were Clanless. She didn’t even know about them, to be honest. But when Jax said it… - “Actually… yeah. It’s a bunch of bull, isn’t it?” - he took a deep breath.

“I’m glad for you. None of us deserves to die. I just hope you see the injustice of it.” - he said, much calmer.

She did.

Amy and Jax got into a discussion about the Clans and the Clanless, his people… Lily felt her head spinning with all the new information.

“So wait, let me get this straight. You’re like the hot, badass leader of the rebel vampires? That’s an actual thing that you are?” - she asked him.

“Clearly, I need to update my business cards.”

“Amy, why didn’t you tell me you had such interesting friends?” - Lily asked her friend, her eyes longing on that man walking in front of her, looking at him under a new light. Oh, he was so her type.

“Wild times, Lil. In our old lives, I would have just introduced you over drinks, not wandering through some deserted, old…” - Amy stopped short as Jax led them around a corner…

...To a vast, abandoned, Art-Deco style train station that’d been turned into a vibrant underground village.

“This is the Shadow Den.” - he gestured around them with a proud grin on his face.

“This place just went from creepy to amazing in two seconds flat.” - Lily said with her jaw dropped open. - “It’s like a Mediterranean village constructed by Imperator Furiosa!” - the 1920s Deco mosaic ceilings arched over shops, food stands, and elaborately decorated private quarters constructed from found objects... - “But what… what is it?”

“It’s our home.”

“I thought you said that you have to move constantly? This looks pretty darn settled.”

Jax started explaining to them about how the Clanless worked. It was far from ideal and Amy said that Adrian would want to help them if he knew how things were, but Jax didn’t want to risk the Council learning about the Shadow Den and he wouldn’t bet his people’s lives on ‘some CEO’s compassion’.

“So… is it cool if we hang out here? Just until it’s safe for us to go back up.” - Lily thought it was better ask him, since he felt all this hatred towards the whole Clan and Council thing.

“Yes. You’re under my protection and welcome to stay here as my guests. Let me show you around…”

He strided deeper into the Shadow Den and she and Amy walked down the main thoroughfare behind him. The residents came running up to him, hugging and greeting him like as if he was some kind of a rockstar. As if he was their God.

“Wow, he’s like the Clanless Beyoncé…And also, like, alarmingly hot.” - Lily murmured with dreamy eyes. Oh boy, she was crushing so hard on him. Amy shushed her. - “What?” - realisation hit her hard. - “Oh my God, did you…?”

“No!” - and then Jax suddenly turned back to them, interrupting their conversation.

“Lily. Have you fed recently?”

“Yeah, but I could eat…”

“We have plenty of blood in our feeding lounge.”

Those were the magic words. Lily suddenly felt her throat dry. She was so thirsty. She was so lost in her mind thinking about the sweet taste of blood, that she didn’t catch up Amy's and Jax's entire chat, just that he could cook something for her best friend.

“You’re good with a sword and you cook?” - what the hell? Where this man had been in her entire life?

“It’s not often I get to cook for guests, but I dabble. I’d like to think I’m pretty good.” - he grinned confidently before turning back to Amy.

“Bad. Ass.” - Lily mouthed to Amy over his shoulder. Her friend rolled her eyes, but she had a smile on her lips. Yep, she was totally fangirling and crushing on that hot cook rebel leader vampire. They both were.

“Or if you prefer, you can find some things to eat in the central square.”

“I’d love to.” - Lily saw a coyly smile on Amy’s face that she knew  very well what it meant. Oh, her girl was getting laid. Hell yeah!

“Excellent! I hope my knife skills aren’t too rusty. That was a joke. I keep my knives sharpened and polished at all times.” - he said as if it wasn’t clear enough.

“I’m sure you do.” - Amy kept smiling at him.

“Lily, I’ll have someone show you to the feeding den.” - Jax said, gesturing to someone to approach them.

“Thanks! You two have fun.” - Lily winked at her best friend, who rolled her eyes again, before wrapping her in a hug.

“You’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, I think so. I’m getting the vibe these are my kind of people.”

And then, a vampire led her towards the center of the Den, into an elegantly canopied tent. But there was this ridiculously long line. The vampire told her to wait, although she didn’t want to. She was hungry to the point to starving, and that would be a problem. Kamilah told her about bloodlust and to be careful about it. She thought about asking as gently as possible to trade places with someone, but everyone glared uneasily and suspiciously at her. Lily didn’t blame them - she was an unknown vampire in their house - and didn’t have the guts to talk to anyone either, so she walked back to the central square.

Moments later, a dark haired figure in a leather jacket that she knew met up with her.

“Oh good, you’re here!” - she didn’t try to sound so excited to see Jax. He was alone. - “Where’s Amy?”

“Sleeping. It’s the dead of the night and she’s a human after all. Did you get to feed?”

“Not yet. I tried, but there was a long line, and I didn’t want to butt in… Plus, everyone was like glaring at me.”

“The residents here can be a bit hostile towards outsiders. I can go with you and make sure that they won’t attack you.”

“Oh, I don’t want to cause any problem—“

“It’s not problem at all. You’re hungry and deserves to feed too. And you’re a guest. Guests should always be a priority.” - and then he led her inside to the feeding lounge.

While Jax talked to someone, Lily took a good look around. The place was a room full of humans sitting quietly on couches and floor pillows, allowing themselves to be fed upon vampires. Her eyes instantly light up at all those exposed necks, at all that dripping blood. She licked her lips hungrily, feeling her tongue slightly touching her now extended fangs.

“Done. They’ll find you a donor soon. We just need to wait for a couple of minutes.” - Jax said, bringing her back to her senses.

“Thanks, I mean it. I can’t thank you enough for doing this for me and for Amy.”

“Please. As I told you before, you are my guests and I’ll personally make sure that you find your staying here as pleasurable as possible.”

Hmm, 'pleasurable'. She knew damn well how he could please her...

“...I imagined the feeding lounge so different from this.” - she shook her head, dismissing those thoughts. That was not the time to be all horny too, she already was feeling hungry! - “I imagined it more like a dungeon where you kept people in cages or whatever.” - Jax laughed beside her.

“You watch too many movies.”

“I guess it is because of the videogames, actually.”

“Oh, I liked playing videogames too. I had a Nintendo Color TV-Game myself.” - her jaw dropped.

“Shut up! It was released in Japan only!” - he grinned at her.

“Another perk of being Japanese, I guess. Part of my family still lives there.”

“This is so cool!” - but before she could ask him which were his favorite animes and mangas, someone approached them saying that they found her a volunteer.

Jax guided her towards a couch, his large and rough hand on the small of her back.

“Uh, hey.” - Lily awkwardly waved to the young woman in front of her.

“Hello.” - she simply said, looking used to it. In fact, she was scrolling through her phone.

Her neck was totally exposed to Lily, but she couldn’t move a single muscle.

“Is there a problem?” - Jax asked beside her.

“Uh… actually, this is the first time that I feed on someone with so many people around… In Kamilah’s place the volunteers were each in one room… you know?”

“This is no problem. We have individual rooms for the shyer ones.” - he grinned at her, teasingly. - “I just never thought that you were one of them.”

“Shut up.” - she rolled her eyes, her cheeks flushing. - “Can we go there?”

“Of course. If it’s no problem for you too.” - he asked the girl in front of them, who simply shrugged and followed them towards an adjoining tent.

The rooms were separated by curtains, but Lily noticed that they probably were the only ones there, since the rest was in the main lounge.

The donor plopped down onto the couch comfortably. Lily sat by her side, her finger tracing her jugular.

“Do you know how to do this?” - Jax asked, watching her tensely. He decided to stay close, ready to stop her if necessary. He knew that recently Turned vampires didn’t know when to stop.

“I guess so…” - Lily murmured, her eyes already shining red and her fangs extended.

“Just go slow, Lily.” - he said, standing behind her.

And then, with a swift move, she sank her fangs into the girl’s neck, who gasped in shock, before moaning with delight.

Her blood was so sweet and delicious. Lily groaned against the woman’s neck, her eyes closed, taking in the sensation of the blood running down her throat. She held the donor closer, tightening the grip on her waist, and the girl moaned again, waves of pleasure hitting them both. It was so intoxicating, so delirious. She felt a shiver running throughout the girl's body as her own body started feeling hotter and hotter.

“...Okay, that is enough.” - she felt Jax’s hand on her shoulder. Lily didn’t want to let her go, it felt so damn good… - “Lily.” - she heard his firm voice again.

Reluctantly, she pulled away from the girl and sealed the punctures in her neck. Lily’s tongue ran over her lips, caressing her own fangs, trying to taste any last drop of blood.

“Wow, that was… that was something else.” - Lily grinned at the girl.

"Yeah… It was." - the volunteer had this look of total bliss on her face.

“Thanks for your donor.” - Jax told the stranger as a vampire came into the tent and walked the still looking blissed girl out of there, leaving Lily and Jax alone.

“Damn, that was so good!” - Lily squealed, slumping back down, her hands running over her thighs. She looked up to Jax, still standing up beside the couch. - “Thanks, Ja—“ - her voice died when her eyes locked with his, that were shining bright red.

Lily felt goosebumps all over her body by the way he hungrily glared to her. She could feel the electrified air between them.

“I’m impressed. You’re very good at feeding on people.” - he said, his voice low and husky. She giggled, but he kept saying: - “...I won’t say ‘no’ if you want to do it.”

Her heart leapt inside her chest, and her eyes faded to red again, her fangs back, arousal running throughout her body.

“Is Amy going to be okay with this?” - she asked as Jax sat beside her.

“Why shouldn’t she? I care about her, but it’s not like we’re exclusive or something. This is just the second time we met each other.”

“Yeah, but you already fucked.” - Jax chuckled.

“The flesh is weak, the tensions are high and we should relax, don’t you think? Plus, she never mentioned it, but I know she has feelings towards Adrian Raines. The way she talks about him is much more than just a ‘professional admiration’.” - it was Lily’s turn to laugh. Jax was right, Amy was so into her boss.

She couldn’t blame her best friend, thought. Adrian was a super kind and nice dude and he was her Maker, so she would always have a special connection with him, but… Lily never had the hots for the crazy rich CEOs… and she was as horny as scared of Kamilah. That woman was something out of this world and so out of her league.

But Jax… Jax was totally her type. She would never be able to deny him.

Without saying anything else, Jax leaned in and kissed her lips. Lily felt his fangs brushing on her mouth as they kissed each other urgently and passionately, none of them thinking anymore, just being led by their own lust.

She slid his jacket off his shoulders and Jax tugged of his shirt too. Her hands immediately started caressing his strong chest and powerful arms. With her ultra sensitive senses, she could feel every scar on his smooth skin, his smell enveloping her, his heart beating fast and heavy on his chest.

“Wow, you’re just… wow.” - Jax chuckled with her remark.

“You’re too. But I guess I feel a little undressed now.” - he pointed to the fancy gown she still was wearing.

“Oh, I might need some help getting off of it… will you help me?”

“It’d be my pleasure.” - Jax grinned, his fangs exposed. Lily turned her back to him.

He slowly undid the fastenings of her dress, his hands caressing the soft skin of her back and his fangs gently scraping her neck, clearly teasing her.

God, she wanted him so bad. She was so hungry for him.

As soon as Lily was free from her dress, she impatiently discarded the rest of her clothes, under Jax’s gaze.

“Now, you’re overdressed.” - she said, before leaning in and meeting his lips in a lustful kiss. He kissed her back with the same intensity while he tugged off his pants and boxer briefs in one swift move.

She suddenly shoved him and Jax chuckled softly when he felt his back hitting the couch beneath him. Lily climbed on top of him, her hands clinging onto his broad shoulders, her tongue trancing from his collarbone to his jugular.

“I want you. Now.” - she purred, practically ordering him.

She saw the glance of Jax’s smile before he slid inside her. Lily groaned with the sensation of him filling her, her nails digging into the flesh of his chest.

“So good…” - he murmured, his rough hands around her waist, holding her tight as he thrusted in her. Lily moaned as she rode him.

The sensation of him all around her was so overwhelming. She wanted more. So much more.

She sank her fangs into his neck, sucking his blood. He gasped under her, but melt into it, the sharp pain quickly turning into something much more pleasurable. Lily moaned again. Somehow, it felt even better than that girl’s blood. It felt as dense as a full bodied red wine. So, so good.

“I’m not food, Lily.” - Jax said, although he didn’t sound angry at her.

“Oh shut up. I know you’re enjoying it as much as I am.” - she whispered when she finally pulled out of his neck, licking the blood dripping from her lips.

He grinned at her and pulled her face against his, his fangs deliciously biting her lower lip and he tasted his own blood. She moaned when his hips started pushing assertively forward at her, faster and deeper, bringing her close to the edge. Lily moaned louder and louder until those hallucinating waves of pleasure hit both of them as they came almost at the same time.

Lily laid on top of him, both of them panting, their skins hot and sweaty against each other. She could feel his heart pounding under her fingers, her head resting on his shoulders. His neck was already completely healed.

“Wow.” - she murmured and he chuckled underneath her.

“I’m pretty sure everyone heard your moans from the feeding lounge. And they know that it wasn’t just because of the feeding.” - he said, twirling her purple hair around his fingers.

“Let them hear. This was just…”

“‘Wow’?” - Jax finished her phrase, chuckling again. She felt his other hand running up and down her back.

“This too. But mostly, hot and incredible. Like you.”

“You flatter me.” - he pulled her chin towards his and kissed her tenderly, but passionately. - “But as I said, the satisfaction of my guests is my priority.” - he smirked at her, and Lily giggled.

“You’re a very damn good host, Jax.” - they stayed like that in each other’s arms for a few more minutes, until he finally sighed.

“As much as I wished I could stay here the whole day, I need to take care of some things and do my errands.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t want to take more of your time, hot-badass-rebel-leader.” - she said as they sat on the couch. He grinned at her before starting dressing himself up. She did as well.

“Ugh, is there any place where I can find new clothes? Corsets are awesome, but also, I like breathing.” - she asked as he helped her with the fastenings of her gown.

“Oh, I know the right place.” - he found a pen and draw a map on the palm of her hand. It tickled. - “Look for ‘Elena’. You should take Amy there too.”

“Alright, thanks!”

“I wish I could go with you.” - his dark eyes searched hers. - “Please, be careful. If my people find out that you’re a Clan vampire…” - she nodded at him, brushing her thumb on his worried face.

“I will. Thank you for your help, Jax. And for everything. And for this warm welcome.” - she mischievously smiled at him.

He grinned back at her and they walked out of the tent. Lily felt the vampires and humans eyes all over them as they walked back to the central square of the Shadow Den. Oh, they had definitely heard them.

And she didn’t give a fuck.

Jax gave her the directions to his private quarters and winked at her before going to do whatever he needed to do. As she walked there, she looked around the Den, the vampires laughing and talking to each other and the kids were playing. She got this feeling of a real community, where everyone got each other’s backs, where everyone was as important as the other. They were her kind of people and although she’s been there less than a day, she felt like the Clanless was where she belonged.

But she would think more about it later.

Lily found a peacefully asleep and naked Amy on Jax’s mattress.

“Amy, wake up!” - she plopped down next to her, startling her best friend.

“Lily!” - Amy squealed wide awake as Lily tossed her clothes at her.

“Let’s get us free from these clothes! I’m starting to feel my lungs aching inside this corset!” - her friend rolled her eyes.

“You’re so dramatic, Lil.” - Amy started to dress herself. - “Did you get to feed?”

“Oh yeah, I’m satisfied. There was this long line, but Jax helped me as a guest.”

“Jax is a great host, isn’t he?” - Amy said, with a dreamy smile on her face.

“Oh, the best.” - Lily agreed, grinning mischievously.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #156

“you’re such a perfect little human wreck, but i like you.”

Have you given anything up for Lent?  When I was Catholic, I mighta tried but never succeeded. Who was the last person you went shopping with?  Mom. Are you planning on dyeing your hair any time soon?  Yes.  I have a few ideas in mind. Who was the last person you saw that you haven’t seen in a while?  Hm, not sure. Do you sing in front of people or only when you’re alone?  Usually when I'm alone. When was the last time you left your cell phone somewhere?  No idea.  I rarely lose it. Do you prefer fake tanning or real tanning?  Neither.  I actually like being pale, and I also don't fancy skin cancer. Have you ever dated someone that was a different race than you?  Hispanic for less than a day (race had nothing to do with it). How old is your best friend?  23. What does your favorite necklace look like?  It's a black, spiked choker with some silver chains and crosses. Would you take a million dollars if it meant you had to die a month later?  No way. Are you a visual, audio, or kinesthetic learner?  Kinesthetic.  I have to do it with most subjects. Cover songs or the original song?  Depends. Have you ever been evacuated from a public building because of an emergency/fire?  I think for a bomb threat once? What is one responsibility you have that you hate?  Cleaning Roman's litterbox. Is there a TV show you used to love, but then lost interest in?  Not really. Do you ever worry about any potential damage you may be doing (knowingly or unknowingly) to your body?  Yeah. Have you ever been to a rave?  No. Have you ever been on public transportation that broke down or got stranded?  No. When’s the last time you did something you were really scared to do?  Recently when I had to call vocational rehab back. What’s an old video game you used to play that you really miss?  Shadow of the Colossus.  I lost the disc. :<  Haven't bothered buying it again 'cuz I wanna get a PS4 and the remaster anyway. If you have a case for your phone, what does it look like?  I don't have one. What are your feelings towards glitter?  Good shit. Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in real life?  No. Would you ever have a child just to get someone to fall in love with you?  Oh my god, fuck off. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly?  Yes, and all I'm saying is it was a cold medicine. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had?  Getting an infected cyst drained and having not nearly enough numbing.  I felt it, all right. Have you ever met someone in person that you met online?  Yes, Sara. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for?  Yes, on my liver. What color is your digital camera, if you have one?  Black. When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have?  Idk.  I rarely get sick. What is the strangest food combination that you enjoyed as a young child?  Sandwiches with potato chips in it. Have you ever had to call the cops on someone else before?  No. Are you supposed to be doing something else?  Nah. If you were with your favorite person right now, what would you be doing?  I've been having horny spikes lately, and I've also just felt extremely attached to her recently (more than normal), so probably making out tbh if she was ready. Do you own a gun?  I legally can't due to mental illnesses and a suicidal past.  I wouldn't want one anyway. Do you know how to play chess?  No. What is something the world needs less and more of in your opinion?  Less violence, more love. How hard is it for you to open up to others?  Hard as fuck. Do you think before you act in serious situations?  I sure try, but I can easily slip up if I'm mad. Ever done something you knew was wrong and kept doing it anyway?  Yes. Are you religious?  I believe in a higher power, but I don't really *act* religious. Are you superstitious?  No. Have you ever experienced insomnia?  Yes.  I went through a juncture where it was pretty serious and I couldn't sleep without Melatonin. Are there any words that you just absolutely hate?  The derogatory words for gays and blacks. Do you have an accent?  Not really. Do you say “soda” or “pop”, or something else?  "Soda." Do you believe in reincarnation?  No. Do you have auto correct on your phone?  Yep. Do you know anyone who suffers from depression?  Too many people, myself included.  But mine's well-managed. When you lost your virginity, do you honestly feel like you were ready?  I didn't realize I'd lost it until the beginning of this year lmao.  Don't ask. How much older/younger than you was the person you lost your virginity to?  Two years older. When you were younger, did you plan on saving yourself for marriage?  Yeah, oops. Have you ever had sex with more than one person?  Like, have I had a threesome?  No. What country do you think produces the best musical artists?  Tied between the US and UK, probs. Which year was your favorite year of middle school?  7th. What amusement parks have you been to?  Disney World. What is a song that always makes you happy?  Something from my childhood, probably. Are your parents still married or divorced? For how many years?  They'd been officially divorced since like... 2014. What meal do you usually miss the most?  Breakfast or lunch. Do you have the same political views as your parents?  Some. Are you closer to your mom or dad’s family?  I don't really remember my dad's family, so I can't answer this.  Though I'd honestly probably like his more. Who in your phone has a heart after their name?  Sara. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? More like she ended up my girlfriend lmao. Do you have a favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is my weakness. Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around?  Just Sara. Have you ever broken a couple up? Unintentionally.  We were talking too and he ended up wanting me instead.  Probably the thing I'm most ashamed of.  She was my best friend at the time. Are you one of those people who are always cold?  No, I'm usually hot. What are you listening to?  "Get Away With Murder" by Jeffree Star on repeat ahhhhh. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?  No. If you could make your lips bigger, would you?  I don't think so, I'd have to see a preview of something. What season is your favorite and what season do you feel represents you?  Autumn is my favorite, but I think spring would represent me. Would you rather learn more about space or more about the ocean?  Space. Do you have a mental illness? If yes, how have you learned to cope with it? If no, do you ever suspect you may have one?  I have a lot, but the only two I can't really cope with is anxiety and AvPD.  I've learned with all the others in various ways.  I'm also pretty convinced I have ADD. Do you have a favorite character from the Avengers?  Thor, probably.  Or Loki. Are you alive or just existing?  Alive, finally. What is your favorite type of cookie?  Chocolate chip. What is your favorite type of candy?  Probs strawberry sour punch straws, but if you count chocolate, the Reese's square bars. What do you think is creepy that society accepts as normal?  Stealing the last person's answer: Sexualization of young girls. What do you think is a good date other than dinner and a movie?  I'm up for anything, dude. What time do you wake up most mornings?  Like, 8-ish, typically. What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately?  My future. What do you get complimented on the most?  That I've lost weight. Do you believe in soul mates?  No. Would you move out your house if you could right now?  If it was to move out with Sara, yes. Are you biracial?  No. What kind of booze did you last take shots of?  Never done shots. What color of hair do you find the sexiest on the opposite gender?  Black. If the last person you had sex with asked you to date them, would you?  HAHAHAHA NOOOOOOPE. How long until your next birthday?  A bit less than five months. When you lost your virginity, were you sober?  Yeah. Do you think your best friend’s significant other is attractive?  He's all right.  He's not ugly. Do you own any books written by musicians?  Yeah, Ozzy's autobiography. What’s the chorus to the song that’s been stuck in your head? "I'm gonna break your heart and get away with murder.  You shoulda known from the start that it wouldn't last forever.   I can't control myself; I feel like someone else.  I'm gonna break your heart and get away with murder." Who was the last member of the opposite sex to give you a hug?  Dad. Are you going to make a New Year’s resolution?  No. What does the outfit you’re currently wearing look like?  Red plaid pj pants, black shirt that says, "We would save ourselves if we could. - The Animals." Are you accepting of criticism?  Depends on how harsh it is but also the subject.  I can eaaasily get hurt over it, admittedly.  It's an AvPD thing; I get embarrassed. Have you ever felt like you couldn’t fully trust a significant other? Yes, Tyler and Girt both.  Only because I'm very scared of men now. How many relationships have you been in?  I'll just count everyone who's had the title.  Six. How long did each of those relationships last?  Idk about the first.  Second, less than a day.  Third, three and a half years.  Fourth, like two weeks.  Fifth, I think four months.  My current one is eleven months in. Has anyone lost their virginity to you?  No. Would you raise your children the way your parents raised you?  No. How long was your longest friendship?  I don't know about years, but with Colleen since girl scout days.  Legitimate, talk all the time and hang out type of friendship, middle school. Do you like facial hair on guys or do you prefer the clean shaven look?  It depends on the guy. Who was your first celebrity crush?  Jesse McCartney. How long do you usually spend on the internet in a day?  All day. .-. Would you ever commit a crime if you know you wouldn’t get caught?  Well, I already have.  Downloading music is a crime. Are you good with kids?  No. Which was the worst phase in your life?  Late 2015 - very beginning of 2017. Is it easy to make you cry?  YEAH. Are you good at applying makeup?  Noooo. Do you like pastel colored hair?  I FUCKING.  WANT IT. Do you take your medications in the morning or at night?  Most in the morning, but my second dose of my OCD med and my birth control are at night. Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk?  I'll only eat it if made with milk. Do you like thrift stores? Yeah. Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks?  I don't go to Starbucks. What are you passionate about?  A LOT!!!! Have you ever tried vlogging, and if yes, did you stick with it? No, I never could. What country do you most want to visit? South Africa to see wild meerkats.  For aesthetic/vacation reasons though, probably Scotland. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it?  Yeah, tan. Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? ANGEL KITTY. What were you voted in the senior class polls?  Nothing. Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? I'm not having kids, but if I did, there's no way I'd give them a common one. Favorite Spice Girl? I don't remember the members. Favorite Cheetah Girl? ^ Backstreet Boys or *N Sync?  The boiz. What is your favorite tattoo that you’ve seen?  Those by Brando Chiesa.  Fuckin' aesthetic.  I'd die to have a tat by him. Do you knit or crochet?  No. What season do you want to get married in?  Autumn. Is your Pinterest cluttered? No. What is your favorite insect?  Butterflies. What bugs scare you?  Most, really. Who picked your name, your mom or your dad? Probably Mom.  I can't imagine Dad having much of an opinion unless it was awful. When was the last time you got a new phone?  Like... three years ago. Have you ever made your parents cry?  Mom, yes. Have you ever been cheated on or had a guy move on extremely fast after a long, seemingly sincere relationship?  I'm aware Jason was talking to a girl preeeetty soon after our breakup.  I'm sometimes suspicious if he was cheating or liking someone more than me and thus he lied about the reason for the breakup, but I'll give him enough credit to say I doubt that. Have you ever had someone tell you they wanted to be with you forever only to have them break up with you?  ^ :) Does your ex’s new romantic interest know about the things you two did together?  I don't know if Jason's taken now, but I don't see why he would share anything. Do you ever tell your current significant other about the things that you did with an ex-partner?  I'd only tell her in she asked.  It's not something I'm gonna just randomly talk about. Have you ever felt like your heart actually stopped?  The moment I realized Jason was leaving, it legitimately felt like everything stopped.  Can we stop with questions that bring him up? What’s something you’ve vowed to never eat?  Wild animal/venison. Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed?  NO. Have you ever had a “thumb war” with someone?  Yeah, has any kid not? What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed?  Johnny Got His Gun. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other?  Not absolutely hated, I think. Has a laptop ever burned your legs?  Yes.  I actually had marks for quite a while. Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?  Juan. Have you ever just screamed really loud in an attempt to feel better?  Once that I recall.

[youhearstatic]

{3}

After being missing for three days, Barry has been mysteriously de-aged. Now he looks 20 years old and doesn’t remember anyone. Lup, Kravitz, and Taako are trying to figure things out. 

Now officially called “Losing Time” and up on AO3 if you’d prefer to read there.

Part One  | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve | Part Thirteen | Part Fourteen | Part Fifteen

Part Three:

Taako and Kravitz are trekking through a swamp. Or, Kravitz is. Taako is levitating just above the muck, moving himself by using the limbs of the cypress trees that surround them.

When Kravitz slips in the mud for the third time in twenty minutes, Taako makes his offer of levitate yet again. “No, save your spell slots,” Kravitz tells him. “My clothes will come clean.”

They continue on for several minutes. Neither spots any sign of a skirmish or necromantic activity.

“Um, Skeletor?” Taako says thoughtfully, drifting to a halt. “Was there mud on Barry’s clothes?”

“Fuck,” Kravitz says. “I was only thinking of the original intel. That was extremely foolish.” His mouth is a hard line as he studies the sun slanting through the trees. “Well, best we eliminated this area while there was still light,” he says, sounding resolved. His scythe appears in his hand. “Next location,” he states and slices open a portal.

 When they step out of the portal, they are a few feet away from a slim crevice formed by a rockfall. The waning sunlight doesn’t penetrate the passage at all. Taako’s elven dark vision is enough to confirm the space is extremely narrow and creepy as fuck.

“In there?” Taako asks, eyebrows raised. “Why are necromancers always setting up shop in such shitty places? Can’t they rent some office space or something?”

“Well, the good news is… Barry couldn’t have gone in there,” Kravitz points out. “I’d have a tough time managing it in ‘full skeletor mode’ as I believe you’ve called it.”

“Fuck yeah,” Taako says, “Another off the list.” His attitude sobers. “So what if the last place is a bust?”

“We look harder,” Kravitz responds as his scythe appears in his hand.

“Let’s hope ‘third times the charm’ then, my dude,” Taako tells him as he proceeds through the newest portal.

  The third time is not the charm. The sun has nearly disappeared at the horizon now but they don’t need much light to see there’s just nowhere for necromancers to hide their activities.

Taako looks around. “Okay, I’ll give them points for ambience. The dead trees really give it a nice ‘dead and hating it’ vibe. But there’s just nothing here. Did we miss something?”

“I don’t know,” Kravitz answers. “But I think I need to check in at the stockade. His bounty was collected. Maybe they have some answers for us.”

“Answers they’ll have any reason to share?” Taako pointed out.

“I believe the Raven Queen has already considered that. Do you want to return to Lup while I return to the Astral Plane, then?”

Taako nods. “She’s not handling this great. But she’s doing a lot better than I would. Stay out of whatever the fuck Barry found, okay?”

Kravitz opens a portal back to Lup and Barry’s home. He kisses Taako on the forehead and wraps one arm around the elf’s shoulders. “Keep an eye on her. I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.”

“Promise me,” Taako insists. He puts a hand on Kravitz’s cheek.

Kravitz meets Taako’s eyes in a long beat of silence. “Taako, I can’t promise nothing will ever happen to me. But I have been doing this a very long time. And I promise I will always do my best to come back,” he says carefully. “To you.”

Taako nods, accepting his answer. “Guess that’s the best I can hope for.” He kisses Kravitz and enters the portal.

Kravitz closes the portal behind him and opens a new one to the Astral Plane.

  Lup returns to the bedroom and resumes her position on the floor watching her husband sleep. The sun is hugging closer to the horizon and the room is slashed with golden light and lengthening shadows.

But her eyes can handle much less light than human vision. She’s struggling to compare the Barry in front of her now to the one she first saw an hour or so ago. Is he getting younger? If he were losing a decade a day would she be able to see a change in that amount of time? If the loss is gradual it would be roughly five months per hour. Could she notice five months of aging? On her Barry’s face, the face she’s seen nearly every day for a hundred years, she believes she could see such a change. On this face that is familiar but foreign? She doubts she could tell. Kravitz was with him for a while before she got here. Maybe he can tell if there’s a difference when he and Taako get back.

There are questions circling in her mind that she’s desperately unable to avoid. If Barry ages backwards into non existence, is that death? Can he emerge as a lich from that? It’s nothing they’ve ever read about. It would be a fascinating theoretical discussion if it weren’t her husband’s existence on the line. And what of their service to the Raven Queen? Would the Queen’s dominion take precedence and restore him? Lup has no answers for any of these questions.

“Hey,” a voice says.

Lup has been so lost in her thoughts that she is startled by Barry speaking to her.

“Hey,” she manages to respond.

“You’re ‘Lup’ right? That’s what the other guy - Kravitz - called you?”

She nods.

“You look wiped out,” he observes. “Oh, gods, is this your bedroom? He did say he was bringing me back to your house. I’m sorry, I’ll…” He throws back the covers to get up.

“It’s fine,” she reassures him. She leans forward and pulls the blanket out of his hands and smooths it over him. “Elves don’t have to sleep.”

“Oh,” he responds and sinks back against the pillow. “I think I knew that. You… meditate? Were you meditating just now?”

“Not exactly,” she answers with a small smile.

“Can you sleep?” he asks. “Er, sorry, is that rude?”

“No, it’s not rude. And yes, I can sleep.” She thinks of thousands of nights curled up with him in their bunk or on the couches aboard the Starblaster and far, far fewer in their home, in this bed. “Sleeping is nice, sometimes.”

“Well, if you want to try, there’s plenty of room up here still.” A blush creeps over his face. “Or I can move. I didn’t mean…” He coughs. “You just look like you could use some rest.

The cough reminds her. “Oh, here,” she tells him. She pulls the inhaler out of her pocket and hands it too him. “I don’t know if it’s the right thing but it’s what we could get.”

“Thanks,” he says.

He sits up and uncaps the inhaler. She watches him make motions that are alien to her but clearly second nature to him. He shakes the inhaler, and puffs it into the air. He exhales and then breathes in deeply with the inhaler in his mouth. When he finishes, he recaps the inhaler and puts it on the table by the bed. He leans back on the pillow. After a few moments he exhales again. “Thanks, that helps,” he tells her.

“You should get some more sleep. I don’t think you’ve gotten more than an hour’s sleep in the last few days,” Lup tells him. “I can go,” she offers reluctantly. “I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“No,” he answers quickly. “Please. Don’t go.” He turns on his side again to look at her.

“Okay,” she agrees and leans back against the wall in relief. She drapes one arm over her raised knees in front of her. She rolls her shoulders and rubs a hand over the back of her neck.

“You look exhausted. Not that you look bad! I mean, you look gorgeous. Oh gods, I… well, come on, obviously you’re beautiful,” he admits, darting his eyes away from her. He coughs and stops to take another slow, deep breath. When he continues he can only manage to look at a place on the wall beside her and his face is burning with embarrassment. “Have you slept in the last few days?”

“I told you elf rest works differently,” she answers, amused.

“That’s not an answer,” he points out, meeting her eyes briefly. He looks away immediately but a shy smile blooms on his face.

It’s the smile that does it. His face might be missing the years and lines she is familiar with but it’s the smile she knows so well that spreads on his face. She wants to run her fingers over his mouth and trace it. She’s had a body again for just a little while. She’s not touched him nearly enough in that time. “No, I haven’t slept,” she answers fondly. “Or meditated.”

“Well the offer stands,” he says quietly. “I mean, it’s your bed. You’re welcome to …” he stops talking and covers his face with his hand. “I’m going to be quiet now. But you know what I meant.”

All those years on the Starblaster and I never noticed how often he got embarrassed around me? she thinks. Then she immediately answers her own question. Except, I did notice. I pretended it wasn’t happening the same way I ignored my own feelings. I wasted so much time, she thinks, and her stomach feels packed with lead. So, fine. If he’s going to… If something is going to happen then I can lay beside him for a little while first.

“Okay,” she answers.

Part Four

[adambstingus]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162144044077

[samanthasroberts]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

[allofbeercom]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/