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alluringoneirataxia · 4 years

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Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened. Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

#asd #autisminwomen #autism #actuallyautistic #aspie #aspie memes

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existenceisalot · 6 years

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high school

Today in my English class, we were reading our novel Ordinary People by Judith Guest, when one of the characters said this quote:

“Feeling is not selective, I keep telling you that. You can’t feel pain, you aren’t gonna feel anything else, either. And the world is full of pain. Also joy. Evil. Goodness. Horror and love. You name it, it’s there. Sealing yourself off is just going through the motions, get it?”

This part has stuck with me all day, and I think it’s because it reminds me of myself.

I’ve always been fairly closed off with my emotions; I don’t like talking to people about what I feel, and I have difficulty a lot of the time with understanding other people’s feelings.

This quote also makes me think especially about 8th-10th grade. In the poem I posted earlier, I kind of mention some of this. Some of the lines are scattered through this post to kind of explain stuff.

At the beginning of 8th grade, I told myself that I could just avoid the people from 7th grade. Unfortunately, I go to a really small school (at the time I think there were 25-28 people in my grade), and all but (I think) 1 of my classes were with this group of 7 people who I used to consider my friends until I realized none of them cared about me at all (unless they needed something).

So I quickly realized I was going to be spending pretty much all of my (school) time with them. Now I would just be like “oh well, guess I’ll suffer, but who cares about them.” (which is me in my math class with them right now yay)

Eighth grade me, however, was recovering from two heartbreaks, realizing that I only had one real friend, and feeling trapped in this tiny little school in the tiny rural town. My logic was not the best, obviously. I also still cared so much about these people. (Honestly, I’m still working on not caring as much about them.) They’d been my friends since I started first grade not knowing a single person. One of them was my first friend in that class. She was the person that I looked up to all the way until that day. If you’d have asked me before that, I would have said that I would do almost anything for my classmates.

The first week or two, I managed to hold on to my pure rage against them and ignore them. But that’s not healthy and it was not having a good effect on me. Rather than talking to someone, I just got rid of (almost) all of the painful feelings. At the time, I didn’t even realize, let alone know how to describe it. Now, I think I’d describe it as pouring a layer of concrete over my heart - closing off the feelings that were causing my pain. Now, as I wrote in my poem, that doesn’t just get rid of negative feelings; it gets rid of all of them.

“So you shut it away with the rest of your pain,

And realize too late that in losing your pain

You’ve also lost you.”

The rest of that year, I spent convincing myself that I got along with them, and that they were my friends. And they were decent enough for this to work. They know how to put on a show at least (they’ve got all the teachers convinced.) I talked with people about books we liked, and chatted during Scholastic Bowl and Track. Every time I noticed they were ignoring me, or avoiding me, or excluding me, it was another “layer of concrete”.

“Do you know what it’s like to sit in class

Listening as everyone else makes plans

For lunch, for the weekend, for their lives?

And they don’t even consider asking you

Even though you’re right there - the one person they didn’t ask.”

By Freshman year, I was a mess. I’d convinced myself that we were a group of friends, and mostly blocked out the memory of 7th grade. So when the third best friend of two best friends in the group (the one I talked to about books and my former role model) moved to our school for freshman year and they all completely stopped talking to me, the wounds started to open up again.

Nope, don’t have time for pain, don’t have time for emotions, just another layer of concrete.

I don’t remember much of that year of school. I spent it in a daze, no friends at my school, just trying to make it through the day, going through the motions. Wake up, walk to school, stay awake in my classes, walk home, do homework, eat dinner, do homework, go to bed, repeat.

And that’s not to say I didn’t enjoy other things. My best friend and I would fangirl over books, music, anything honestly. Once, we named handwarmers after Gale and Peeta (Hunger Games). I think this is the year my sister and I started watching Doctor Who. My sister read Harry Potter, and we fangirled over everything about it. I read over a hundred books, one of which was Les Miserables. From the outside, I seemed pretty okay.

Sophomore year. I don’t even really remember anything from sophomore year. This is the year everything really went downhill.

I started out okay, a couple people in my grade who I’d always been somewhat friendly with invited me to sit with them at lunch. (I’d been sitting alone for the past year.) We became sort of friends. First semester seemed okay from the outside.

“Do you know what it’s like when someone finally notices you

Even just for a second?

And then you think maybe - just maybe

Things could be different someday.”

“Do you know what it’s like to have a friend one day,

And it’s wonderful and you finally feel like you belong,”

But it wasn’t. I was still in classes with the same people (we’re the so called advanced class.) I started to not care about school. My grades started dropping. I went from a straight A student to a B and C student. I stopped doing my chores. I stopped showering every day (gross, but true). I stopped brushing my hair (I have thicker, somewhat wavy/curly hair). I stopped wearing my retainers (I got my braces off the summer before 8th grade). I started going to bed at 3 in the morning, even though I had to be to school by 7:15.

Second semester started out about the same. But then, out of nowhere, a couple weeks into school my two new friends stopped sitting at our table. No explanation whatsoever. It was like I had ceased to exist.

“But the next day you don’t even exist in their world?

And it feels like your heart is breaking, ripping, dying.”

The only reason I didn’t spiral even farther down after that was because of my best friend. She was homeschooled, so we would hangouts message each other through the day. I know I keep mentioning her a lot, but she is just an amazing friend, and I don’t know who I would be without her.

“Do you know what it’s like when your phone buzzes at lunch

With that message from your best friend that makes you laugh out loud?

And you sit there, shoulders shaking

And for a moment, nothing is wrong in the world.”

Second semester came and went. I participated in stage crew for our school musical. I was on the Scholastic Bowl team. I went to state for math team. We read Night by Elie Wiesel. I started listening to BTS (again thanks to my best friend.) I passed my classes, with mostly B’s and C’s except for Band and Art.

Also in second semester is when this part happened.

“Do you know what it’s like when your friend asks you that question,

The question that is so simple - so ordinary?

And it’s the question you never knew you needed,

Never knew would work,

But it forces you to open your heart again,

To feel again.”

My best friend asked me who my BTS bias was. I had already watched a ton of their videos, but no one really stood out. I thought they were cool, and noticed they were attractive, but I didn’t really think about people like that.

This led me to realize what I’d done. I had prevented myself from getting attached to people in any way, because every time I had a crush, or even just friends at school, it broke my heart.

I realized what this had been doing to me. So I started working on being a bit more vulnerable. I started actually looking at people again. I started talking a bit more about school other than “wow I hate school.”

And I kept watching BTS videos so my best friend would stop spamming with pictures questioning if this one was my bias.

And it’s been painful, but I’ve been so much happier in the past 10 months than I was for the previous two years. That’s not to say that I like school now - I hate it. The closest college I’ve looked at is 4 hours away. I have an actual countdown until my graduation ceremony. My grades are nowhere near excellent, but I’ve been trying more. And every day I remind myself that Someday Things Will Be Different, and if I can make it through the next 564.5 days, I can leave this school behind me and be a new person. Not the quiet little kid who doesn’t talk to people, not the smart girl that skipped a grade, not the person that hides in the back of the room in their oversized clothing so people won’t notice them. I don’t know who I’ll be, but at least I’ll get a choice.

And because of that silly little question,

Because of your best friend,

You start to find yourself again.

Do you know what it’s like to be me?

originally written November 2, 2017

#high school #school #best friend #diary #journal #my poetry #bts #dont reblog

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indieks · 7 years

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One-Life Stand 💫 Jungkook [0.1]

🛏 Pairing : Jeon Jungkook x Reader

🛏 Genre : Fluff, Humor, Minimal angst

🛏 Warnings : none for this part

🛏 Synopsis : Getting attracted to your long-time best friend, is something classical. Having a one-night stand with him though, is something alarming. While you get scared of your feelings and try to forget about it with the sake of your friendship as an excuse, Jeon Jungkook finally opens his eyes on his own and gets determined to turn this one-night thing into a real relationship.

0.1 || 0.2 || 0.3 || 0.4 || 0.5 || 0.6 || 0.7 || 0.8 || 0.9 || 1 [END]

🛏 A/N : I started to write this story in my notes and decided to take this further, so now I’m publishing it! A short texts and written series with my lovely, sexy and talented bias, the one and only Jeon Jungkook… I hope you like it, and thanks for reading!

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

That's what the students' association made you swear once you arrived in front of the party's gates, and it made you laugh quietly before you resolutely took your oath with a hand on the heart. But you should have known better than thinking it would be a simple and funny Harry Potter’s reference to put you in the right and perfect mood to party, ready to go crazy till the end... As what had been supposed to be a fake oath, was really going to define all of your night.

Tonight, you shouldn't have stayed with your best friend as you always did ; you shouldn't have drank that much ; you shouldn't have left the party with him instead of your roommate ; you shouldn't have listened to him convincing you to do so... A lot of regrets and what ifs in just one night. But big school implies big parties ; a lot of people implies a lot of stories ; a lot of friends can become a lot of enemies ; and in the middle of all this mess, your best friend turned into the worst of your choices.

You entered the party with the will to kick Jeon Jungkook in the ass for having abandoned you and let you lost on your own, making you feel quite pathetic and insecure when you arrived – even if you were never going to admit it before him. You need to have pride, ladies and gentlemen, just pride.

"Ouch! Ya! You didn't have to hit me so hard!" your best friend whined, rubbing the spot your hand had smashed perfectly.

"You didn't have to be a proud asshole by leaving me!" you shrugged before greeting your friends laughing around the both of you.

"I'm going to kill you some day" he smiled, headlocking you and dragging you to the bar.

Oh god that headlock. You were so used to it that it didn't even bother you nor embarrass you anymore. Jeon Jungkook had headlocked you since the year you met in 7th grade, both of you put in each corner at the back of the class because you were listed as the "perturbing ones". What a smart move they had made, at least for the both of you, as instead of finally listening to class, you had settled a competition of the most badass one, making you hate each other at first, before becoming friendly. Opponents became true friends, disturbing and agitated loners became forever allies, and with time stupid children became young adults having walked through puberty together.

You had experienced so many things with Jungkook, from your teenager's crises, your fights with your parents, your runaways from home during night, your bad and good grades, and also your heartbreaks. Speaking of more-than-friendly relationships, you had at some point developped a crush on him and so had he, as a lot of best friends do because they feel like they can't be closer to another person, making them comfortable, making them want more just to see what it'd be, making them curious to check if love was in the air, or if definitely they only have a siblings-like relationship.

So you got curious, and you checked, during your first high school year. You had been having one of your movie nights – or more correctly anime nights –, seating lazily on Jungkook's bed with no other light in the room except for the one coming from the computer's screen. And suddenly, you had seen your best friend's chest turn towards yours, your eyes then distracting themselves from the colorful drawings moving fast before you, to land on his face that had been closer than what you had expected. And suddenly, you had kissed. It had been quick, but you still remembered his lips were soft and tasted like caramel with a tint of honey, probably from the popcorn you had been engulfing in your mouths before. Jungkook had retired and you had seen him frown, then shaking his head from the left to the right.

"Ew no. No no no. Definitely not. This isn't right." he had stated before tilting his head as he always did and he had smiled to himself, his nose crunching and his bunny teeth showing cutely.

While you had stared at his face you had been starting to find more and more attractive the past months, then in the emptiness because you, on the other hand, had been flustered. Shit.

Anywayyyy as any good best friend would have done, you quickly suppressed your growing feelings and never thought about them again, successfully. You didn't get jealous when he had girlfriends – except for one who had tried to exclude you from his life the year after your kiss – ; you didn't look at him in a doubtful way anymore ; you ignored the numb sensation you felt when he hugged or kissed you on the forehead – convincing yourself it was due to discomfort and disgust as always.

Jungkook grew up and became even more handsome, but you tried your best on putting a blind and thick filter before your eyes so that they would still see him like the little coconut he always had been for you, and not the manly man he was becoming. Successfully, successfully. Until you both attended the same college, last year. With all its dangerous parties and gatherings, its recrudescence of new faces for your own pleasure, but also of girls to turn around your best friend, making him smile cockily like a fool and become the #1 target of the university.

Jungkook had always been good at everything, ever since he was born, from perfect homework even without listening to classes, to sports, dancing, drawing, singing – you had heard him only a few times under his shower while waiting for him, and it had surprised you it was one thing he had never showed off about. So when he arrived at the university, his excellence pushed him towards fame with a nickname following him everywhere : "Golden boy". Jungkook had always been the #1 target of girls, in every grade and every school you went to, but he used to ignore it, more interested in games and silly friendships ; yet, while he had become the #1 freshman of a whole university, he slowly was retaking the place of the #1 boy and man in your life without you being able to control it as you yourself couldn't deny how almost perfect he was. And tonight, his safe but secret place in your heart was about to blow in your face at once.

"Wow, you sure needed time to get yourself ready like that" Jungkook suddenly giggled, shaking you out of your thoughts as you both were waiting for your drinks behind the bar.

"What? Does that mean I'm pretty?"

"No, it means I can see you've put a lot of effort because you've upgraded from a toad to a frog, that's great!"

Another kick, and another time, Jungkook winced in pain.

"Fuck. You. I'm going to dance with my friends, don't talk to me 'til the end of the party you scumbag" you spat, grabbing your order and leaving your best friend laughing behind your back.

The party went on as usual, a very good one as always with your university, as it had a good group cohesion between all the students, no one caring about the major you were taking or the year you were in. This easiness of meeting new people and the good ambiance led your friends and you to chat with a group of guys in the same year as yours outside, with one you had already spotted during classes. And for your great pleasure, you felt something was in the air between the both of you and that wasn't one-sided, as you clearly caught the gazes he gave you from time to time even when you were not talking, and it made you confident.

So confident you let yourself be carried by the flirt-thing or whatever was going on between the both of you, drinking more at the bar in his pleasant company – the guy was nice, clever and funny, how lucky – then back on the dancefloor where you danced together. Some time passed by, and you finally hooked up in some dark corner of the room, with soft kisses at first that became more passionate second by second, but without him having misplaced gestures – how luckyyy. However, in the eyes of your best friend that had spied your whereabouts and doings, it wasn't as welcomed.

So Jungkook ditched the girl he was talking to – and that, in reality, you also had left him for as you had caught her looking at him during all the beginning of the party but clearly blocked by your presence –, and he went through the crowd. He sped his pace straight to you and your crush as the latter was taking you by the hand and leading you outside where you could both be less disturbed by the people around. Jungkook was almost suffocating when he finally reached the both of you, the vision of a boy taking you somewhere still being a trauma in his head ever since the event that had happened a few months ago.

You gasped when you felt a second hand grabbing yours and snatching it from your crush's grasp, that turned around with confusion and anger in his eyes.

"What do you want Jungkook?" the boy sighed.

Oh? They know each other?

"What did I tell you last time Y/N?!" Jungkook ignored, shouting over the music and looking only at you with his eyes wide open.

Why is he bringing that up again?

You mirrored his stare but with your brows furrowed, not getting what was going on with him and more than embarrassed before your crush that crossed his arms, clearly in frustration.

"What are you doing Jungkook?" you asked through gritted teeth, pushing him slightly with your hand to signal him to go away.

"Don't you remember last time, huh? Do I have to remind you? What did I tell you?!"

You looked at your crush from the corner of your eye, pleading him to excuse you through your pupils only and, thankfully, the smart guy nodded in understanding.

"Hey, I know what I'm doing, you're embarrassing me right now!" you lowered your voice so that only your best friend could hear you.

You turned away from him and were about to follow the handsome boy once again, but Jungkook had decided otherwise, and when Jeon Jungkook wanted something to be the way he'd like it to be, it was bound to become that exact way without discussing. So he grabbed you by the arm and he pulled you behind him, leaving you speechless but mostly pissed off at him as you saw that your crush was looking at the both of you and probably making assumptions.

"I'm sorry I'll talk to him and-" you tried.

"She won't go anywhere with you" Jungkook opposed and you sighed, slapping his arm for the third time of the night but the boy didn't budge ; instead, his firm grip on your wrist only tightened to the point it started to hurt.

What was wrong with him?

"Okay Y/N I'll let the both of you alone for now, let's talk later…" your crush said in a monotone, annoyance and confusion clear on his face, and then he disappeared behind the doors.

"Let go of me. Before I kill you right this instant." you threatened.

"I wouldn't have to embarrass you like this if you'd listen to me!" Jungkook exclaimed, turning to you and you got surprised by the furious gaze he directed at you.

And oddly, it made your heart flutter. You felt impressed but also overwhelmed in a good way, as Jungkook was rarely mad at you but when he was, your weak girl's heart couldn't deny how handsome he was. Like that event last time. Still, you were even madder at him so you shook your arm to free yourself from his grasp, and you crossed your arms on your chest.

"I have the right to flirt with guys Jeon! You're not my father! So go and live your life!"

"NOT WITH WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME! I DON'T TRUST YOU OR GUYS ANYMORE!" he suddenly burst out, catching the attention of a few people around and you wished you could disappear into the ground.

What were they going to think? You looked like a couple fighting right now, and by tomorrow, you knew there would be rumors running in the hallways about you if he'd continue. Not like it would be the first time, no, it would be the third of the month actually, and the umpteenth since you've arrived at the university, because it looked like a guy and a girl couldn't be best friends without people shipping them or assuming things.

"Let's go home" he suddenly commanded and you shook your head from the left to the right.

However, from the way Jungkook was poking his cheek and looking at you with his chin leveled-up, you recognized his ready-to-fight face and you knew deep down that you were risking triggering his bad temper if you didn't oblige.

"It's not even three in the morning… And I saw you were with a girl before, what about her?"

"I don't care; I'm not in the mood anymore. Blame yourself. We're going to the dorms."

His shining hair was falling on his squinted eyes that were killing you more than scaring you, and it upset you to feel things just from his gaze, distracting you from your original anger against him.

"Jungkook let me live, please…" you pleaded weakly one last time.

"Not in my plans." he shortly answered in an irritated tone, before he grabbed your hand forcefully.

You were dragged to the exit with your hand in a guy's hand another time, but it felt so different. Earlier, you had been so excited to finally go outside with your crush, looking for some kind of intimacy ; now, if you had been about to murder your best friend that was walking fiercely outside, your body was curiously tingling everywhere, and your heartbeat was beating ten times faster. It probably was out of frustration, right? It should be.

Everything felt so familiar from this scene. You trailing your feet behind him but also you feeling flustered by him being mad. Everything seemed to be repeating itself, except that tonight, nothing had actually happened to you, reason why you still felt upset among your other forbidden feelings right now.

"I don't like you playing the father or big brother with me Jungkook, I was fine!" you still were protesting as you had arrived at the dorms by foot, the party location only a few blocks away.

"You're coming to mine" he ignored, still pulling you but this time you resisted, making him finally stop in his tracks.

"I'm not! I want you to think back of how annoying you have been, and that all by yourself! Let me be! I don't want to see your fucking face for the rest of the night!"

"So what? You're going to return to him? You're more than tipsy you know, I felt it while walking with you, so no, you're coming with me because right now I can't be sure you won't do anything stupid!" he almost screamed at you.

That lecture was so familiar. Jungkook sounded like a scratched disk. The same arguments as last time, but still, one thing was different : you crush had been so nice and you were actually having a good time.

So what the fuck was happening to him?!

You looked at him with big eyes and your mouth agape, and when you felt a vibrant headache winning your brain the second his voice got louder, you knew he was right about you being drunk. You hadn't counted your drinks nor felt like it until now, too carried by the heat of the moment with your crush, but now that you were away from the party where being drunk supposedly makes the night more enjoyable, you clearly felt some weird sensations getting the best of you.

"A-And you, huh? Aren't you drunk and doing something stupid right now?! Nothing has happened to me like last time but you're still crazily mad, what's wrong with you, huh?!" you retorted in a way less convinced tone.

And as an answer, Jungkook breathed out and started walking again, not listening to you nagging repeatedly behind him as you were entering his empty dorm. You stopped before his door and he finally freed you to search for his keys, mumbling nonsense to himself and having a hard time finding them, and it signaled you your best friend wasn't in his clear mind no more.

"I don't understand why you're that mad. It happened months ago. I know what I was doing tonight…" you still were ranting on your own, waiting for him to answer the questions he had planted into your confused brain.

Jungkook slowly turned around to face you who were leaning against the wall, and you swore your heart had been about to jump out of your throat the second he landed his eyes on you. At first, they still seemed to be lightened by anger, but you quickly discovered that it was darkening into something lustful the more he was staring at you, giving you the chills and making you feel so small.

"What? What? You're going to scream at me again Jungkook oppa?" you teased as he hated being called like that, but you were more than desperate to trigger whatever reaction from him as he had given you the silent treatment for five minutes straight.

But you hadn't expected that kind of reaction. The one that implied him stepping dangerously closer. The one that involved him placing his hands on each side of your head, locking you into the human cage that was his toned body. The one that was followed by a deep and passionate kiss he unexpectedly gave you and that, even more surprisingly, you gave back and even prolonged.

To be continued...

A/N : Part 0.2 will be up in two days normally! only if you like it haha

#bangtan #bangtan boys #bangtan boys scenarios #bts #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bts texts #bangtan boys texts #jungkook #bts jungkook #jungkook scenarios #bts jungkook scenarios #jungkook texts #bts jungkook texts #kpop texts #kpop scenarios #jungkook fanfic

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skytlake · 7 years

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Feeling Pain

Today in my English class, we were reading our novel Ordinary People by Judith Guest, when one of the characters said this quote:

“Feeling is not selective, I keep telling you that. You can’t feel pain, you aren’t gonna feel anything else, either. And the world is full of pain. Also joy. Evil. Goodness. Horror and love. You name it, it's there. Sealing yourself off is just going through the motions, get it?”

This part has stuck with me all day, and I think it’s because it reminds me of myself.

I’ve always been fairly closed off with my emotions; I don’t like talking to people about what I feel, and I have difficulty a lot of the time with understanding other people’s feelings.

In order to understand this, you probably need to read what I wrote about my 7th grade experience.

“So you shut it away with the rest of your pain,

And realize too late that in losing your pain

You’ve also lost you.”

“Do you know what it’s like to sit in class

Listening as everyone else makes plans

For lunch, for the weekend, for their lives?

And they don’t even consider asking you

Even though you’re right there - the one person they didn’t ask.”

Nope, don’t have time for pain, don’t have time for emotions, just another layer of concrete.

Sophomore year. I don’t even really remember anything from sophomore year. This is the year everything really went downhill.

“Do you know what it’s like when someone finally notices you

Even just for a second?

And then you think maybe - just maybe

Things could be different someday.”

“Do you know what it’s like to have a friend one day,

And it’s wonderful and you finally feel like you belong,”

“But the next day you don’t even exist in their world?

And it feels like your heart is breaking, ripping, dying.”

“Do you know what it’s like when your phone buzzes at lunch

With that message from your best friend that makes you laugh out loud?

And you sit there, shoulders shaking

And for a moment, nothing is wrong in the world.”

Also in second semester is when this part happened.

“Do you know what it’s like when your friend asks you that question,

The question that is so simple - so ordinary?

And it’s the question you never knew you needed,

Never knew would work,

But it forces you to open your heart again,

To feel again.”

This led me to realize what I’d done. I had prevented myself from getting attached to people in any way, because every time I had a crush, or even just friends at school, it broke my heart.

And I kept watching BTS videos so my best friend would stop spamming with pictures questioning if this one was my bias. (No hard feelings, I’ve got a ton of Yoongi pictures saved to spam you with. Just you wait) >:)

And because of that silly little question,

Because of your best friend,

You start to find yourself again.

Do you know what it’s like to be me?

#about me #school #high school #ordinary people #judith guest #sorry about the overuse of parentheses #i just write what i'm thinking and edit for grammar and spelling #my writing style is a mess #poetry #scattered lines of my poem #bts #my best friend #wow i just reread this and i didn't realize it was so long #welp #sky's rambles

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lovenerdywinnerbouquetfan-blog · 6 years

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East Lansing Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48823

"East Lansing Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48823

East Lansing Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48823

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I've had some problems in the past and my insurance is through the roof. I'd like to finance a car, but I don't want to have to rob banks to afford it. Does it cost different amounts to insure cars? Which are on the cheaper end of that spectrum?""

How expensive would a liability insurance policy be for a Companion business?

I'm thinking of starting up a Companion business in Connecticut. It will be just me and I will not be doing anything medical. The State of Connecticut doesn't require me to become licensed if it's just me but I would like to have a general liability policy anyway. I would love it if I could some helpful information. Thanks, Cathy""

Giving a police report to your insurance....?

I need to give a copy of a police report to my insurance company for an act of vandalism to my parents car. I am 20 and I was using the car when it was vadalized. In the report it stated how I suspected my ex girlfriend of doing the act. It states specific information such as her age, ethnicity, address, etc. I have very overbearing parents who are consistently trying to control my life. I told them about the incident but not the specifics and I really do not want them to find out any information about my ex girlfriend because it may cause problems. My parents told me they were going to try and get the police report I filed. Can they do this, or can the report only be requested by the party who filed the grievance. I already got the report for my insurance records because they requested a copy, but how much of the report do I have to give them. There is one page that has the basic information which excludes the name of my ex. Another page provides a narrative which states specifics about the incident and how we broke up etc. Do I have to provide that to the insurance company as well?""

Do insurance rates go up when you break off a side mirror?

backing out of the driveway, I broke off my side mirror, the car is fine but the mirror cracked off, surprisingly the mirror itself didn't break nor was the exterior scratched.. it just cracked off. Anyway, do you know how much it will cost to replace and if my insurance rate will go up? thanks..""

What is a cheapest insurance in PA?

The questions simple. I'm looking for insurance in name only. It's going on an old beater I maintain that goes from a to b and back again working each day. No prior insurance on it (well their has been for 4 years or so now but under a different name without mine being on the policy soo you know.) If it crashes and burns thats where the thing will stay after I haul it out and get any salvagable parts. Seems the general is a bit cheap especially when you can pay a years worth of coverage in one payment. (I can) Any other dirt cheap sites?

Auto insurance estimate for 5 points?

Hi i have 5 points on my license i live in Baltimore city and drive a 1985 Chevrolet corvette with historic tags insurance with it in my dads name is very cheap even with me as the listed driver but i think my insurance company some how missed that i have 5 points on my license so i am just wondering if anyone has any ball park figures as to what my insurance might be when they see that i have 5 points thanks.

""As a 16 year old male, how much will I pay for auto insurance?""

I am a 16 year old male (and I already know what statistics show, unfortunately), soon to be 17 years old in October. I will be paying auto insurance pretty soon and I am trying to get an estimate of how much I will be paying monthly/yearly. I obtain a 3.5 GPA and reside in Dayton, Ohio. My mother will be adding me to her insurance plan and I drive a 1999 Chevy Camaro (this is the car that will be insured, and thankfully it does not have a Z28 engine). I'm not sure whether or not the insurance agency will consider this a sports car either, so I'm pretty nervous! Please help me! Thank you!""

First time getting car insurance I'm 20 years old...help!?

I'm 20 (will be 21 in March '08) and have only been on my dad's insurance. His record isn't that great so to add on a car to his is expensive. My relative is selling a '98 Escort - very basic - to get to work and college. $1500 car. don't understand collison and comprehensive. The one that pays for a replacing the car I don't want. Anyway, I went online for quotes and they ask if I've had insurance before and I haven't (on my own) so I'm not sure if I'm being docked for that. I have a clean driving record and just want some basic coverage mostly for if I hit other people. Could someone guide me so I don't have to pay an arm and a leg? What are the ranges I should look for? I see numbers like 200/300/500 but I don't get it. My mom said she'd insure the car under her insurance but then naming me as a drive might be expensive. How do people get insurance that covers any driver? Like when people use other people's car? So many questions! It's hard to work, be in college and pay for car.""

Why Do I Pay More For Health Insurance Now?

I'm a recent graduate, female, non-smoker with a healthy weight and eating/fitness habits. I'm not rich by any means, but my health insurance rates have gone up a lot since ...show more""

Good low cost medical insurance for a 20 year old female working through a temp service?

I am 20 years old and I have no medical insurance and I really need to go to the dentist and have a check up at my doctor. I haven't been to either in probably 4 years. I am very uneducated on insurance so any help is greatly appreiciated. I want to make sure it's someone that my doctor and dentist will accept. I have a good job but it's a temporary service that doesn't have insurance benifits. Any suggestions?

What is the point of insurance?

I've just graduated and will be going out into the real world now, and a question I've had for years is why people seem to get insurance? To me it makes more sense to save the money you would have been paying myself instead. Am I wrong here?""

Car Insurance without a license?

I know this is a dumb question, but I thought I would ask anyway. My 25 year old son, recently had his license suspended, due to non payment of a ticket. His car registration is coming up this month. Is there any way he can get insurance, so the registration on his car, will remain current. At least until he pays off his ticket.""

Why did my car insurance rates suddenly double?

I am almost 40, have a spotless driving record, have the same car, haven't changed the policy, and haven't moved. So how can my insurance agent just up my rates all of the sudden and not give me an answer why. He just says that things change. Is there an industry standard or can agents just screw with us at will? I have been with this WELL known insurance company for 4 years. This isn't some guy working out of his garage. Any experts out there that can shed some light on this for me. I am shopping around for new insurance as i type.""

""Which is worse: increased taxes, or a high insurance premium?""

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/2009-09-15-insurance-costs_N.htm for some reason, I'd pay any tax to fund socialized medicine thrown my way rather than pay $13,375 a year for a family of four. and you'd be crazy not to yourself. and besides...the tax would never be 4,824, which is the average a single person pays per year.""

How much does a check up cost without an insurance?

I heard some rumors that if you don't have insurance they can do a check up on you and just send you a bill @ your house where you can do your payments.

CLASSIC MINI!!! How much does insurance cost for a 17 year old female?

About to buy a classic mini as my first car and wanted to know how much other peoples insurance has cost. Im female thanks

East Lansing Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48823

Any affordable health insurance for children in TX?

Car insurance for a 15 soon to be 16 year old?

so i am looking at getting my first car and so i need to be thinking about car insurance and my grade point average is like 2 something. i have american family. any ideas what their rates would be.??

Insurance price doesnt change from provisional once passed?

I have been looking at car insurance now for weeks on all of the pric comparison sites and phoneing companys and the cheapest quote i got was 3000! thats on a 1988 mk2 fiesta. i i have a mate who is insured on a provisonal at 17 for 1000, he asked the company how much it will be once he has passed and they said it will stay the same, does this really happen?""

Rise in car insurance?

Im 18, female and passed my test a month ago. Last month Quinn Direct quoted me for 1400. I got my car today and went to get a car insurance quote and its went up to 2700 with the exact same details!! Any idea why this is?""

List of dog breeds insurance wont cover?

Most rentals have a list of dog breeds you cant have because insurance wont cover certain breeds that are bite prone. Anyone know how I can find this list?

Can i transfer moped insurance from one bike to another ?

ive got insurance on my piaggio fly 50cc which expires august this year, i can no longer drive this bike as i accidently got super glue all around the breaks and throttle and it wont budge, im going to maybe buy a new moped today for 300 and was just wondering if i get this do i have to cancel my old insurance and get a new quote and pay all that money again or cani just ring my insurance company and transfer it from my old bike to my new bike? thanks for any help! :)""

""If i sue my auto insurance underinsured, will my insurance raise?

if i sue my underinsured because the other car at fault didnt have enough insurance will my insurance raise? or cancell me?

How can I convince my dad that leasing a cheap car would be a good decision given my circumstances?

Ok. So I'm about to be 18 and have about $1,400 saved up towards a car, should be getting a few hundred more after graduation and from a few other things, so I expect to have around $2,000 in the summer. This is what I was planning on spending on a down payment on a cheap used car. For the monthly note and insurance, my parents said that they'll help at least some until I get a job. The thing is, it's seriously impossible to get a job in my town. I've been trying for a couple years and just nothing. Most other people I know - not just teenagers - are having the same problem. Because of this, my parents are worried that having to pay for so much and me pay for basically just the down payment would be too much on them. They're struggling very hard financially and haven't bought a car themselves in 13 years. So I was looking at some car websites the other day and noticed that some of them had really appealing lease deals. The ones that most caught my attention were $0 down, and then a monthly payment of around $200 or less per month for three years. What really interested me about that deal is the no down payment, because if there's no down payment and they pay for the monthly note, then that's the only thing they have to pay, at least for quite a while. That leaves me with around $2,000 still in pocket to spend over time on insurance, gas, various maintenance costs, etc., plus if there are too many hidden fees, etc. in the lease. (My dad got me an insurance quote and it was a lot lower than I expected btw, about $560/yr.) That seems so much better than having to start back at $0 after buying the car having paid all the rest on the down payment. I just don't wanna spend that much down because then I'm left with nothing, if I can't get a job then I have no way to pay for everything, again my parents don't think they can pay too much. If they only have to pay the monthly note, then I still have quite a while to get a job and start making money before that couple thousand runs out and if I do eventually get a job (hopefully it'll be easier in another city, but I need a car in order to move), I can even help them with the monthly payments or pay all of them. But all they can say is, Why lease a car when you can buy one, you'll just be stuck in the same spot in three years. But this is completely missing the point. The problem here is that if I spend everything down, then I have nothing left to maintain the car with, and therefore can't have a car at all. I have no steady source of income and can't make a steady source of income without a car. But if I can afford to maintain a car for at least several months with money I already had and can later get a job in a bigger city, I at least have some car, regardless of whether not I own it or it's the best and wisest financial decision in the long run. Once I have a car I can move to a bigger city and hopefully go to college and then get a better job, I'm sure I can get another car later. So basically, if I want a car now (which I need one in order to advance my life and go to college and such) the only possible way is if I lease instead of buy, unless I suddenly come into a bunch of money or can find a car for sale with no down payment. I need to just do whatever I have to do to have a car and get by at the moment, but my parents won't let me. They're so stuck in their stubborn ways that leasing cars is always a waste of money (I agree that it'a a waste of money, but again that's not the point here, the point is that I need a car) when in this situation it would work much better for me. But they refuse to let me.""

How much does home insurance cost?

I am looking to buy a home in northern california and was wondering how much home insurance cost. I have a family of 5 (including me), good credit score, and am looking at homes around $250,000. I want descent coverage, but not for a lot of money. could you please answer and give me the names of any place i can get good home insurance that is not too expensive. thanx""

""On Average, how many dollars per month would a 2 pt ticket add to my monthly insurance?""

If you have gotten one please tell me, I just want to see around how much they add :D""

Car insurance?

I heard that you will pay less for auto insurance if you have your license and a clean record even when you nor our family memeber have a car. IS that ture? I mean like you didnt buy a car or insurance when you first get ur license.

Driving with no insurance with a car the owner insured in Illinois?

Okay so this might sound kinda confusing but currently my car is being repaired and the person repairing my car is letting me use his until mine's fixed. Currently I don't have insurance, but he does. In Illinois, would his insurance cover me if I got into an accident or would I get in trouble for no insurance?""

Can i extend my insurance quote?

I have a quote and it expires on the 27th this month. When i try and get another quote its 3 times as much. I would get it now but i will have 1 years ncb on the 7th of oct. If i rang them up do you think they would extend the quote expirey date? Or do u think they might accept my 11 months and 2 weeks ncb? Or even make me pay an extra 30 or so to start the insurance now then send them proof when i get the ncb

What kind of car details will lower the cost of insurance?

I have to buy a car and the insurance will be costing more than the actual car. Some factors I can't change like the fact it will be my first year with a full GB licence, my gender, age, where I park it, etc. But when considering the car I will buy, what factors might lower my insurance costs? Keeping in mind my price range for the car is 450-900 pounds, - what makes/models are hardest/easiest to break into? - what security devices would make a difference to the cost of my insurance, and how much would they cost? - what year of car is considered to be built more securely than in the past? (harder to break into...I understand older cars are easier to break into, but what is the general cut-off line of old ?) - style or colour of car? - any other factors?""

Question about Car Insurance?

I don't know if it's possible to get an answer from you guys, but it's worth a try! I have State Farm insurance, and I'm going to be driving a 2006 Hyundai Sonata, and i'm 16 years old. It's black, & I make pretty good grades, 3.5 is my avg (I heard that mattered) I was just wondering how much it would be per month! If you have any help, that would be great! Thanks :)""

Good auto insurance?

i have quite a complicated issue with insurance 1. im CANADIAN andi go to school in the states but do not hold a Michigan drivers license -however i CAN get one 2. i have no document history in michigan so this puts me at a high premuim so is it possible for the insurance companies to insure me in michigan and use my canadian driving history....im 21 years old female...also i was thinking if it is possible to put it under my parents plan who are canadians but if they could purchase an american insurance plan and use there canadian driving history to get a quote...thanks!!

How much is the average vet visit? and Is it worth it to get pet insurance?

I have inherited a Saint Bernard Puppy (7 months old). We got him 2 days ago and have a vet visit on friday just to get him caught up on shots and the regular wellness exam. I have no idea what to expect as far the cost of the visit will be i'm planning for the $200 range? Am I way off is it going to be more? Also does anyone have pet insurance and if so is it worth looking into? Which one would you recommend? I know alot of questions in one but I just need a little guidance. Thanks for your help.

What is an average cost of IUI without insurance?

What is an average cost of IUI without insurance and what is the success rate?

Progressive is hiking my Massachusetts car insurance rate by 23% this year! Is that normal?

My policy is about to come up for renewal and they're going to hike up my rate by 23%! I just talked to their customer service person and she said they're doing it all over Massachusetts. Are all the car insurance companies raising their rates so much in Massachusetts? Was there some law that passed which changed their profit margin or something? Is there another car insurance company that will give me a better deal?

Motorbike insurance question (UK)?

ok i am planning on building my own motorbike from scratch. i did a little bit of research into insurance costs and i can't seem to find any company that offers insurance for home built bikes. they all ask what make and model it is but how could i tell them that if i built it myself? also any suggestions of companies that would insure a home build would be help full. thanks guys & gals

""Buying a car, do I need my own insurance to have the title signed over to me?""

My youth pastor is selling me his 2004 Dodge Stratus, and we're planning on going to the DMV tomorrow morning to have the title signed over. Currently, my mom pays for my car insurance every month, and the car I've been driving is in her name. If I want to put the new car in my name, can my mom still pay for my insurance or do I have to be able to pay for it in order to have the title signed over to me?""

What are the best and affordable medical insurance companies in Pennsylvania?

Also available in some other states around.

Where can I find cheap insurance at 17 years old with car modifications...?

Hi, i'm about to turn 17, will have a year 2000 renault clio, and would like to know where the cheapest place for car insurance is. The only modifications I want is new back light covers and a CD player. Directline do not insure 17 year olds with modifications. Not even with a different CD player... Thanks""

Can we get car insurance for some days????????....?

i had car insurance and just expired ... now i want to sell the car so i dont need any futher insurance..like 6 months to 1 year . but i need couple of days 5-6 to sell my car...can you help out.........how can i get insurance for sometime......

A teenager with no health insurance...?

I'm 17 and from California and have NO health insurance... My mom no longer has custody of me and I'm living with my father who has no job and no way of getting me health insurance. To be quite honest, my dad is a drug addict and lays around the house all day, so to sum it up... he's no help at all. I usedd to have mediCal with my mom but since I no longer reside with her, im not longer under that anymore. I'm really really scared... I think I may have strep throat and I have NO idea what to do... since I have no insurance. Can anyone help me? Thanks.""

East Lansing Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48823

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