#And you make him a little OOC without the badness that you perceive in his character

[imagionationstation]

“I created something with Donnie in it!!”

*runs towards you*

“And I got rid of his creep behaviors!!”

*runs away from you faster*

[cdroloisms]

some c!dream fics don't take into account his flaws and make him like a little bit out of characther bc while he was traumatized by the prison and it affected his way of thought in much aspects he was still able to bit your hand if you looked him bad and got more focused on his revenge and after his plan. He's a more morally grey characther and sometimes people who try too hard not fell into the c!inniter caricature ended up making him unable to literally even hold a sword when that isn't true either

"revenge" lol

to be fair, c!dream was deeply affected by the prison and absolutely got nerfed like hell fighting wise. the difference between his fight with clingy before and after the prison is insane--not to mention how scrapped lore had him so damn triggered by the sight of the cell replica that c!quackity and c!sam could get him down pretty much without a fight. las nevadas five has him running away from the fight at the first main sign of danger (and then successfully being followed by c!tommy without noticing) and the scene with c!sapnap and c!george with aimsey had him barely fighting back at all, cowering behind his shield against a wall, and running away and using arrows of harming to get himself distance. like, sure, he can definitely still fight, but he was absolutely played as losing a lot of his fighting ability (c!dream's fighting style is nothing like cc!dream's--it was absolutely a deliberate character choice to have him act like this)

all that being said, i get what u mean--ooc c!dream is everywhere in every flavor. i definitely like c!dream written with a little bit of bite, especially when he's on the back foot, as you said. c!dream's declarations of revenge (as is especially evident in LN5 and daedalus, boy what the fuck is torturing a country supposed to mean IT'S A COUNTRY) are also very evidently ... often defensive in nature? c!dream bites and shows his teeth as a back off back off dont fucking touch me don't try to fuck with me gesture because he's scared moreso than angry, tbh, and i think playing with aggression due to fear is something fun to do with c!dream in fic in general bc of the ways that aggression can be perceived and then responded to

a lot of what i like about post-prison c!dream is that ... despite an alleged focus on revenge (which took him months. and fucked him over, with scrapped lore, and was badly executed both times with quackity and put him in a lot of danger and involved a hell of a lot more trying to get through to sam than actual revenge in daedalus) and The Plan (which involved ... killing people? and then he repeatedly. does not kill people?) is that he does feel quite directionless. he's still in the prison, still caught in that limbo. he's doing research (i guess) and he's letting the prison (his home base) rot around him. he's staying there and barely leaving for weeks at a time. all while he's focused on the plan, guys, #trust, he's fine, he's still moving forward moving on ... just. Just.

[zykamiliah]

Hey, sorry to bother you, but I've been seeing something in the fandom that kind of confuses me, so I'm leaving this ask to my favorite svsss blogs.

I've been trying to get more into Shen Jiu's character, as he is pretty interesting and arguably a fan favorite, and I've noticed that, so far of the fanfics I've read, he is more often than not depicted as a good teacher. A harsh one, but still good? Or not terrible?

One that likes teaching, is involved with his students, taking the little of what we've seen of Shen Yuan's teaching methods and just, giving them a twist, "improving" them even sometimes.

Often it ends up being a show of how Shen Yuan was clumsy, not that good of a teacher (or of a Shen Qingqiu) and I'm... Kind of confused by this trend? Like, is it rooted in canon? Obviously this is still more interesting to read than the "SJ is just a tsundere that never did anything wrong ever" thing, but it feels kind of similar.

I cannot imagine a character as genuinely bitter and angry as Shen Jiu enjoying being a teacher, having a nurturing bone in his body or even being hands on in the teaching of his disciples, several of which he literally bullied out of his peak. But maybe it's just me and I'm wrong?

Was Shen Jiu a good teacher?

I guess I'm just curious of where it comes from. I like Shen Yuan's character, and it often feels like people take Shen Jiu's to show how bad at everything SY is, even if it isn't consistent with SJ's character and often lack nuances, in my opinion.

(Or even if the story claims loving SY while also stripping him away of everything that makes him interesting other than his obliviousness, but that's a whole other thing.)

Sorry again, and I also apologize for the long ask, I'd just figured you or someone that follows you might have an answer.

(Also, I get that fandoms gotta fandom, and I'm not saying people shouldn't write it or anything, I may be a strickler for canon but I'm not the police. Write what you want. I just wonder where it comes from, as I figure that knowing its origins might help me in the future, but I promise I'm not trying to start discourse or anything, so I hope I've made my point clear enough without offending anyone.)

hello!! :DD

well sj being ooc in fics is a common thing by now. people tend to portray him softer than he's in canon, to the point it sometimes turns his whole character upside down. in extreme cases, you'll be dealing with a bitter, more tsundere version of sy with sj's backstory, which is secretly what many people want IMO lol often this people also perceive sy as an incompetent dumb nerd that only knows about monster lore and has no other skills or abilities aside from that-- essentially, they fall for the unreliable narrator's trap of believing every lie he tells about himself.

it's never outright stated, but sj didn't like children, so is fair to assume he didn't like teaching or caring for them either. taking into account qing jing peak's toxic atmosphere pre sy's transmigration, AND the fact that sj was paranoid about being overthrown since he hadn't developed a golden core even after becoming a peak lord and taking lbh in, I don't think he'd be interested in teaching anyone anything. in a lot of cultivation novels, disciples are just given manuals and left to self-study them (like he let lbh use the fake manual, expecting lbh would die from using it. haha. such a good teacher!). this could be the case. aside from that, I don't personally think sj would want to provide any kid guidance. and that's not mentioning how he allowed and enabled bullying, targeted talented disciples, and overall was more worried about his own cultivation and survival and reputation than other things or people.

so where this fanon sj comes from? I'm not sure, really, but I think some people just want a version of him that's palatable AND defensible, like my friend furby says, a declawed sj that's just a poor misunderstood meowmeow who deep inside is secretly good and nice. it's a thing that people who struggle with liking "villainous" or "morally bad" characters do: twisting the narrative around to justify this character's actions. It doesn't help that he's SO complicated, and people who have very black-and-white thinking struggle to place him in either side of the spectrum-- it's the problem mxtx outlined through sqh and sqq's voices

ch.14 house arrest

ch.19 shen jiu

really, the fandom has just proved mxtx's point xD

anyway, there's a lot of misconceptions about sj. there are some pretty wild theories around. some fans also treat his abuse as The Worst Abuse in comparison to the Child Abuse he did, because of the (unconfirmed) hints that sj was sexually assaulted by qiu jianluo, as if SA is the worst kind of abuse and child abuse falls back on the tier-list ¯_(ツ)_/¯ because obviously anything that involves sex in inherently worse, apparently

in other cases, people are simply more familiar with the fanon version of the characters, and that's who they portray in their writing. after all, many people read the novel once and then go on to read dozen of fics; it's normal the fanon sticks more on the brain than canon (not judging! it happens to me as well lol) and those fanon versions are more popular because, as i said, this version of sj is more morally palatable (and bland and less fun ┐(︶▽︶)┌)

thank you for the ask!! :DDDD ❤️❤️❤️ i love receiving asks~

[rorah]

Do you have any thoughts on Claude’s route in 3hopes? Your analysis of Dimitri’s run was so awesome and I share similar criticisms. I’m personally not a fan of Claude’s characterization in 3hopes, and I’m a diehard Claude fan lol, so I’d love to hear your thoughts (positive or negative! your rant was just really well written and interesting!) have a good day/night :-)

My thoughts on Claude? Sure.

Well I have to be honest and start with the fact that I still haven't finished his route lol rip but I've been spoiled enough to know that this is the route where most of the characters/deers seem a little to too much OOC (for what I have read. Tbh I can't be sure about ALL DEERS but Claude is mostly the point here). And I am a defender of "characters in Hopes are still substantially the same as the one presented in Houses" argument, just different circumstances bring different outcomes. But also seems like the writers in charge of giving nuance to the characters don't know how to do it properly without taking some neurons and mental capabilities away from said characters, aka: make them look dumb.

GW and SB are the routes where I am hesitant to look for arguments that can backup such outcome or it's just a matter of "the devs forgot about that part in the original game" issue, as it's planted in some interview that I don't have the source at hand, sadly.

But I am quite convinced of one thing. Hopes is presenting us the opposite resolution of Houses with a subtlety masked by sweet fanservice (just a certain percent of fans, I must say). What I mean by that is, Cloud in Houses is the one discovering the truth behind the mystery of Fodlan and kills Nemesis for some reason at the end of his route. And in Hopes, he is the most notable affected by this change by not discovering much about Agarthans and also kills Serios instead of Nemesis at the end of his route.

In Azure Gleam Dimitri gets his revenge and that does nothing for his personal journey. Actually, it's the opposite because he learned in houses that revenge will get him nothing but more collateral damage.

In Scarlet Blaze well… I am not entirely sure tbh.

Back to Claude. I think the main problem with his characterization is that it was not quite clear what type of person he is. I remember doing his route with the idea that he was the most relaxed, "meme" fun lord, and all positive of the three because the fandom painted him as such, and I feel utterly confused and betrayed because that wasn't what I perceived of him in his route. He has a little arc about open up and trusting others, while getting rid of his own prejudices about the lands he isn't well versed. But that's in houses. In Hopes, that part of his character is taken away because once again: No Byleth.

Let me remark that I haven't played his full route yet, so take what I say with a grain of salt. So tl;dr, we can say that his characterization in Hopes is bad because it was meant to be bad. You can see it as a mirror universe without the person who functions as guidance. And once again that brings us to another conflict when we recruit Byleth, but that's another issue to tackle on its own separately because it has tints of "devs fcked up and ran out of time/resources to properly do anything with it or give coherent resolution" issues. --- Edited because I accidentally type Azure Moon instead of Gleam lol But anyway, Claude fans, let me know your personal interpretation of Claude ~

[monstersinthecosmos]

I didn't follow any of the pre-release promotional materials; do you have a link to the showrunner(s) stating/implying that queerness is merely "subtextual" in the absence of literal sex? (Apologies if you've shared it before and I just wasn't paying attention.) Also, thank you for your prolific and thorough critiques. I'm a more casual book fan and was tentatively excited to see the show forge a new narrative path while still guided by the same lifeblood, if you will. But at this point, hmmmmmm

I don't recall him commenting on it being about literal sex, THAT WAS ME EDITORIALZING LMAO.

I haven't been able to stomach the entire SDCC panel but I know they talked about it in there, I kinda peeked around for a transcript but didn't find one. ANYONE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THE DIRECT QUOTES please I don't have the strength. There's a summary article here, though, which touches on the convo a little:

(Don't even ask me to start unpacking the Fiona Apple comment dude what?)

This article also talks about the SDCC panel and doesn't directly quote him but it sums up:

There's just been article after articleeeeee of people who didn't read the books or just watched the film or whatever and keep going WOWIE IT'S NOT SUBTEXT, GREAT JOB, when like ? It was never subtext lol. And that's not entirely the show's fault, how mainstream perceives it, but they've been running with that and taking credit for it.

Like there's just been tons of headlines and praise like this -

I think the show & RJ have also been pretty blurry with how often they claim they're not a remake of the movie and yet constantly make digs at the movie and even reference it often on the show itself. So I think sometimes they're commenting on the movie when they forget they've already told us they're not remaking the movie. =P

There's also this quote (I didn't screenshot bc there's an ad in the middle LOL!) but:

"It’s aggressive subtext in the first book, but by the time you read books eight and nine, it was the love affair of the century. Without spoiling too much, subtext becomes text in our show."

(Let's not point out that books 8 & 9 are ... *checks notes* Blood & Gold and Blackwood Farm. Okaaaaaay Rolin. 😪)

Also sorry by love affair of the century do you mean Lestat goes around and has adventures and uses everyone while Louis stays safely tucked away at Armand's house until he's needed, or? Sorry lmfao I'm so fucking. dghadgkjs.

That interview is full of nonsense that will make you want to scream if you're feeling brave.

Anyway I feel like, I've been obsessively watching the production unfold for the past year and I kept getting so many red flags like there's been so many odd comments and little sexist quips, the complete misunderstanding (or lack of fucks) about what Claudia is supposed to mean in the story, etc. I just keep getting aggressive CISHET MAN vibes from this team and the lens they read VC through.

And yknow what, fair whatever I guess, we all read different versions of the same book and they're the ones that got to make it. But idk I like VC for the dark elegant spooky existential angst, I didn't need it to be gritty and open up with shit jokes. And five episodes in I didn't need it to use outdated, dangerous rape tropes and I also don't need it to oversell the domestic abuse. (Hint: Lestat was already abusive as fuck from the moment we met him, don't oversell!)

It's an okay show lmao. It's not recognizable as VC at all except that it recycles the names. None of the characters have been accurate so far. Even Lestat, where Sam Reid is doing so many fun things with his delivery and mannerisms that almost seem like Lestat, is just so fucking OOC and a caricature and just really lacks the depth and nuance and sensitivity of who he is in the books.

If you can turn your brain off and not look at it as VC there's some fun moments, but it's also full of continuity errors and just plot holes and bad writing when you look too close, so don't try to analyze it too hard or you'll have a bad time lol. Even the stuff that's really interesting and that they get right, they tend to lose interest in and drop, or they mix it into so much vampire soap opera shenanigans that it's hard to walk away knowing what the episode is actually about. It's just. Woof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dodo-begone]

Beware the Beast

Pairing: Yandere!Philza x Reader

Request: Maybe some yandere!philza headcanons? You don’t have to!

Word Count: 2k

Warning: yandere, swearing, talk about kidnapping, depression (kinda detailed on that aspect)

A/n: I accidentally turned this into a story- i really need to stop doing that. But I just couldn't resist! Also sorry if Phil is OOC. And this isn't proofread. We die like men here. Can be perceived as platonic or romantic.

This man has lived many years, lost so many loved ones. He’s getting tired of this cycle. It’s truly exhausting. You start to care about the world less. After a while, you start to see too many similarities in things, making it hard to look at. So he starts to close his heart to others. It’s just easier that way, for both parties. Saves him from the heartbreak and them from… well, him. He also stops caring for himself. After all, he’s literally immortal. Nothing can kill this man, so neglecting some self care routines every once in a while wouldn’t hurt…

But this becomes such a bad habit of his. He barely cares for himself after a while. It’s hard to find the energy when it isn’t going to matter in the end. Nothing matters anyways. Every action will always prove fruitless in the end. So what’s the point in doing something so... small if it takes this much energy? If a past version of himself saw Phil now, they’d be disgusted. Telling him to just get up and care for himself. Come on, you’re immortal. Nothing can kill you. Just do this.

He’s a mess when you two meet. His platinum-blonde hair was mostly neat, a little shaggy. It was obvious that he just got himself cleaned up a bit. One can only do so much about deep eyebags, dull hair, and lifeless eyes on such short notice.

You were introduced to him through Ghostbur. Phil was overjoyed that Ghostbur was making more friends. Though much less pleased when Ghostbur insisted that he’d bring his new friend over to meet Phil. Oh come on Phil, you’d just love them. They’re so nice! What tortured Philza more than his first interaction with you? His conversations with Ghostbur about you. He’d just prattle on about things you and him did, about how much fun you two had and how nice you were. Always nice.

And you were nice, an absolute sweetheart. But much too perky for Philza’s liking. You two had been chatting for quite a while when Ghostbur silently leaves you two together. Well, you’re chatting. Phil is just listening to you, hoping that you’d leave at any moment. Some topics were brought up; they were mostly some small icebreakers to get acquainted more.

When your past was brought up, you’d always paint this fucking picture-perfect past. So peaceful. God, the envy he had of you, of the peace you experienced in your life- He felt bad for it, honestly, he did. But he just wished he could’ve had even a fraction of the prosperity you spoke about. For someone living in the DSMP, you had a relatively easy and steady life. No war, no major or sudden loss or anything of that sort. A perfect life.

After that, you just kept coming back. Why? Why are you coming back? Are you here to taunt him for the life he lived? For the life he’ll never have? Is some god sending you as a punishment? A living example of everything he gave up, had to leave behind. That’s what he believed, anyways.

That was far from your intentions. You saw how he was in your first meeting; jumpy yet dissociating from reality. An oppressive, glum aura seemed to just emanate him. So downtrodden and dead inside, yet so obviously alive on the outside. It hurt to see him like that, as you went through something similar. You had no idea how long he’d been like that, but you decided that you’d help him in any way that you could.

You tried to make it a daily thing. Everyday you’d go to Phil’s house around midday to afternoon. You two would talk for a bit, but you’d couldn’t help sprinkling your questions in. Have you eaten yet, mr. Philza? Have you had water today, mr. Philza? Have you preened your feathers, mr. Philza? Have you bathed today, mr. Philza?

Your questions irked Phil. Everyday, without fail, you’d come and talk to him. It’d be small talk at first; what the weather was up to that day, some light politics, Tubbo’s new adopted son. Small. Yet you’d always bring up his self care. He was a fcking grown man. He could take care of himself. What’s worse? You’d pester him to care for himself in that instant if he even showed a small sign of negligence. And you’d stay the entire time, making sure he did everything. And then you’d always add “mr. Philza” on the end. It was a sign of respect, yet it upset him so much. But he couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was.

Though it was annoying, it got him in the habit of caring for himself. It was only to stop your pesting! That’s the reasoning. The only reason. It wasn’t because you’re congratulating and giving him treats when he remembered to care for himself. Or you petting his wings… Those were only bonuses! He swears!

It becomes more steady as time goes on; you go and visit Phil, you talk with Phil and see if he’s caring for himself, and if he was, you’d reveal a delicious treat from within your enderchest. You two would talk while munching on the food, having fun sharing what your pasts were like. Well, more like yours. Phil didn’t really talk about his.

But he still seems so cold, disinterested. Even with how long you’ve been going over for. Like he’s only listening to what you’re telling him. If he’s even listening. And seeing how he interacted with others like Techno and Ranboo, it really disheartened you. He was so much more lively with them, more natural. Loud laughing and silly little antics. It only took a few small, insignificant depression episodes for your self doubt to finally debilitate you. Though it only really affected your contact with Phil; he was a big insecurity of yours.

So you start to distance yourself. You were hurting and saw yourself as a bother to Philza. It would’ve been better if you just didn’t try to talk to him anymore. He’d be so much happier without you bugging him all the time. All of this sudden, open time gives you much more empty hours. There was nothing to do. So you did what you could; you went out to make or strengthen friendships. It was so nice. You never realized how everyone on the smp was so nice. Maybe they weren’t as bad as Phil was making them all out to be…

Philza was upset the first day you weren’t there. You were such a steady element of his day. You were like the very air he breathed; it was extremely hard to live without you. He never noticed before how much he needed you. Yes, he knew that he really enjoyed you, saw that you were a pillar, a constant in his life. He came to enjoy your visits, but hadn’t realized how dependent he became because of them. It was day three when Phil started to worry about you. Why hadn’t you come to talk with him, like usual? He’s taking care of himself, just for you, just like you kept insisting he do. And he made you some cake.

He knew he was acting odd, lovesick even. His love for you was toxic, extremely so. It wasn’t healthy, yet he couldn’t care less anymore. You were like his nicotine to a smoker; he couldn't live without you being in his life. His everyday life. So after some debating, he finally went out to look for you.

Traversing the nether wasn’t too bad, but still a tedious walk. He was stuck in his mind the entire trip there, wondering where you could be and what you could be doing. Maybe you got caught up in making something. A redstone project? That’d be pretty cool. Or maybe moving? No, if you were, you’d have told him. But that didn’t stop him from speeding up just a wee bit. Just to make sure you were actually still on the smp.

His mind was racing, thinking of any possibility of what you were doing. And his mind eventually hit something that absolutely terrified him; you could be sick, injured, or dying. It felt like the world just fucking stopped. This was a sudden loss of contact and you still hadn’t come to talk with him. So that… that means there’s a high probability of you being in danger.

He ran the rest of the way to the main part of the smp. When he came out of the portal, he frantically looked around for any sign of you. For your house. Then it hit him; he had no idea where you lived. You only mentioned it being cold where you lived, just like where he lived. So that most likely meant Snowchester. He started running toward the cold nation

On his way to Snowchester, he observed his surroundings. A little bit. He had to get to you, keep his eye on the prize. And he was glad that he looked around. There you were, on another part of the prime path.

He was overjoyed to see you, especially doing so well. Soon he came to a stop. Just floored by the fact you were there, in front of him. Frantically he tried to view you as best he could, looking for any sign of injury or illness.

Now he couldn’t come across as clingy or desperate. That wasn’t how you knew him. You know him as Philza; the kind but a mild social recluse. Not really going out to others unless he needed something or he was needed.

So he walked over to you, trying his best to look nonchalant. Like he wasn’t just desperately searching for you a moment ago. He called out to you and guess what happened? You started to walk away. He was stunned. Did you just ignore him? No, you must not have heard him. It was kinda windy out at the moment.

Logically he did the best option, following you. He had no clue where your destination could be. You were going to a different area of the smp than he had been. My how the smp changed since the destruction of L’manberg. He knew it changed, but it seemed so much bigger than what you described.

He didn’t exactly pay attention to where you were indirectly leading him. That was until a flash of movement caught his attention. Snapping out of it, he looked to see what could’ve been going on. Who could’ve been there. And what he saw before him was a terrible sight.

Quackity stood by your side, animatedly chatting with you. Phil was confused as to why you were talking to Quackity of all people. You two recently talked about how Quackity was problematic and arrogant. If you knew that, then why were you talking to him?

Awkwardly he watched you. Not within earshot, but where he could keep an eye on you and Quackity. And Quackity was looking at Phil too. His eyes spoke volumes; Quackity wasn’t pleased that Phil was there. Boy was that sentiment shared. It was tense between the two, yet you still seemed oblivious to what was going on.

Then Quackity said something, putting his hand on your shoulder and leading you somewhere else. But gave one last look at Phil, one that just spoke “fuck off”. Phil wished he could’ve told Quackity the same. To get him away for you.

Quackity’s action sparked a thought in him. A reason as to why you hadn’t come to talk to Phil; Quackity must’ve kidnapped you! Yes, that’s why you hadn’t come. It makes so much sense. Quackity knows you and most likely knows you talk to Phil.

With how easily you tell Phil of the people you’re talking to, he doubts that the behavior would just change. But that’s what must’ve gotten you in so much trouble; you were too trusting, too kind-hearted. You gave Quackity a chance and he was stealing you away, imprisoning you. You needn’t worry dear, he���ll rescue you from that foul man.

[bored-storyteller]

34 for Kaeya please? 🥺

Hi Anon!

Ahem, when it comes to Kaeya, I always get a little excited. And I am also afraid because I am always in doubt if all this in the future will prove to be extremely OOC, but I cannot know this yet.

(Anyway, it's angst/comfort, but if you just want angst and just angst then you can stop before "...")

Hope you like it anyway!

66- Genshin Impact, Kaeya Alberich x Reader

From the prompt list

34- “Will you miss me at all?”

"I give you my heart completely, it is yours, I give it to you." The Captain of the Knights of Favonius had whimpered as he comically clung to the half-empty mug.

You smiled with a slight sigh: "Your heart is mine as it is owned by all of Mondstadt."

His pleading face had turned into an offended pout as he threw the remaining alcohol down his throat.

"Hey, my heart isn't that cheap!" He had almost scolded you as he slammed his empty glass on the wooden table.

You don't know what you'd give to hear those stupid flirtations of him right now. Those sweet and mean jokes that sometimes flattered you, sometimes made you laugh, and still others hurt you.

You don't know what you'd give to run to the tavern to share a drink with him, to hear him laugh, to get mad at him or to be able to feel the warmth of his hand on your shoulder.

But all you feel is the wet cold that threatens rain, a bitter and hateful cold, a miserable and dead cold that you would have gladly exchanged to curl up in the dry and majestic chill of ice.

"Kaeya ..." His name escapes your lips like a faint prayer as you look at his one visible closed eye "Kaeya, don't sleep ... who's the lazy one, huh?"

You swallow as your fingers brush his blood-soaked hair. You caress his cold cheeks, you cuddle his head as it rests in your lap. "Everything will be fine ..." you whisper to him "everything will be fine ..." you try to convince yourself.

A rumble too close makes you scream. Your arms instinctively pick up the knight's helpless body and your body bends over him to protect him.

What is happening? You don't even remember, you don't even know, probably.

"Kaeya don't sleep ..." You repeat again, holding on to every faint breath of him.

"Hey…"

For a moment you don't even distinguish that that's his voice, for a moment you think you've just imagined it, that you've mistaken a breath of wind for the sound of him.

But weak and frail, Kaeya calls you back to him.

You call him too, a new hope is born in your gaze, now that you can admire his iris periwinkle of him.

Your voice trembles, like your hands, and your lungs. It hurts you to breathe as long as you need to cry, but you resist and instead you go back to caressing him slowly, trying to give him relief, affection, whatever you can give him in that moment - all your heart.

"Kaeya, hold on, you'll be fine." Try to put all the conviction you can into it "You were great."

On his tired and dirty face you can still see the ghost of that smile so familiar to you, yet in him there is a sadness that you do not know how to erase.

Your fingers intertwine with his blue locks, which loose and wild now rest on him, and on you.

"Always so kind ..." His murmur is sweet, yet it burns like a hot iron. What is his personality is drowned in melancholy and fear.

You would like to tell him that you are not kind, you have never been, but his face leaning towards you in search of your warmth silences you. Why does everything, from his smile, to his breath, to his blinking, smell of latest deeds?

"I think ... it's selfish to ask you ..." he gently calls all your attention "but ... will you miss me at all?"

You had prayed until then that he would not speak, not hint at that dark prospect. Because you know that at this point you can no longer breathe, the tears that blurred your vision can no longer be held back, and your throat hurts so much as you try not to sob.

How could you ever imagine getting up tomorrow knowing that Kaeya is gone? How could you tackle the streets of Mondstadt remembering his footsteps, his voice behind the walls, and his smiles peeking out from around the corner? How could you have tolerated the scent of Death after Noon anymore? How could you ever face Teyvat, the whole world, who would have moved on without him?

"Yes ... it's selfish ..." your murmur is so broken that you hardly understand it yourself, and you clear your throat, forcing yourself to be firm in your words "You said it's mine ... isn't it?"

Your hand slides across his chest, still warm under your cold numb fingers.

Under his skin you can feel the faint pulsing movement, like a little bird moving under your palm. And you pray with all of yourself, so that this little bird doesn't stop flying.

“You gave it to me… right? Here inside of you ... here is my heart. You can't be so selfish as to take it away from me, right? Sure ... sure I will miss my heart ... "Your every word turns into prayer, supplication, to the Archons, to heaven, to whatever can save him.

Your eyes can't see his expression, not now that your face is hidden in his hair and tears run down your cheeks without giving you peace.

Your fingers grip his clothes as if they could hold him there one last time, before he is pushed away from you and arms of fire envelop you.

"I'll miss you…"

. . .

Kaeya listened to every beat of his heart. Even in the dark, all he cared about was feeling that constant movement inside his body.

"So good." he thought every time the muscle twitched "keep it up, like a good guy."

Even when his pupils began to perceive reddish hues behind his eyelids and distant voices began to reach his ears, Kaeya never stopped worrying about that heartbeat that had suddenly become like this. precious.

The object that is pushed into his throat is so bitter that he would like to spit it out without restraint, but with a big sip of water he forces it to fall into his stomach. Anything to help that heart to beat stronger and more vigorous again.

"Kaeya ..." Your weak voice reaches him, and his only eye that can see crosses you.

"Hey ..." He greets you with a smile, one of his.

He doesn't think you've ever seen him in bed, covered in bandages as he is now. It is already a lot if he can sit in that semi-sitting position, leaning against the pillow on the headboard of the bed.

"You have finally arrived." He barely laughs as you shyly approach his bedside. You still look shaken, you look tired, you look like a frightened fawn.

"They wouldn't let me come ..." guilty whispers "they thought ... they thought it was better that I didn't see ..."

You don't continue the sentence, but he knows it. He had foreseen that ending, not that he was happy about it, but he had thought that dying in your arms wasn't such a bad ending, at least until he met your pain.

"Ah ... I had a bad time huh?" He laughs, but you don't. He's back to himself, or he never stopped being, but the sight of him so miserable can't hearten you, it's as if you still fear for him.

"... You really would have missed me." The realization he exhibits is not playful. It is quiet, but serious and light, as if he hadn't really believed it up until that moment.

Your shoulders shake again, under the weight of the anguish you have endured, under the pressure you never gave in. Because while you waited you never cried, nor bowed your head, it was not your right to do so.

But now that he's okay, you can cry over his wounds and you can throw all the fear out of yourself.

"Oh ... what a bad knight I am, I made you cry again ..." he murmurs, but there is no real guilt in his voice, but a tender affection for you "come here, let me make me forgive."

His arm gently pulls you towards him, letting you rest against his chest.

"Listen" he murmurs as he rests his cheek on your head "I protected your heart like you asked me, I was good, right?"

He wouldn't need to take on other responsibilities, he already has a lot of them, more than you think, yet he can't help but take care of you. He loves you so much that he is even willing to live if that makes you happy.

"You've been good."

[sevenkittensinatrenchcoat]

Cast Interviews From 1986 vs. 2016

So, I’ve found a podcast that’s been interviewing various Cats cast members and superfans. Most of the interviews come from the cast of the Broadway Revival, but there are also several interviews from US Tour III which went from 1986 to 1988. So we’ve got a bit of both old and new. Here’s what I’ve learned about how things have changed over the years and why the Broadway Revival is such a confused mess:

In the interviews of US Tour III cast members, it seemed like everyone was told the story of the play and had a pretty clear idea of what was going on. Some actors were given backstories for their characters, but the amount of detail varied. Actors cast as Munkustrap and Tugger were told that their characters were brothers and the sons of Old Deuteronomy. Actors cast as Demeter were given a full backstory for the character. However, Grizabella’s story remained vague. Bombalurina, Mistoffelees, and Sillabub also had no confirmed backstories, and most of their characters were improvised during rehearsals. Also, since this tour was from 1986-1988, a lot of cast members don’t remember a lot of what they were told. It’s been a while.

Out of the backstory and character information provided, Demeter’s was the most consistent. She was kidnapped by Macavity, escaping shortly before the events of the play. She’s an outsider to the tribe, but she knows Bombalurina and stays close to her. Bombalurina also had some experience with Macavity, but she enjoyed it more than Demeter did. This lines up with what Jacob Brent said about Demeter in the 1998 version.

Some character dynamics are different from more modern versions. Alonzo is Demeter’s love interest, as was typical with Broadway-based productions. Also, in most productions, Alonzo doesn’t get along with Tugger, but he’s a fan of him in this version.

Outside of Alonzo, it was made perfectly clear that Mistoffelees was played as a full adult, the same age as Munkustrap. The actor who played him throughout the tour, Randy Slovacek seemed to have made up most of Misto’s characterization in that production by himself. Misto was friends with Grizabella in the past and wasn’t upset by whatever she did to upset the others. When she first appears, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, taking the place of Coricopat and Tantomile, who were cut for the tour, run up to her and try to chase her away. Misto calls them off, but Munkustrap won’t let him do anything else to help her and he respects his authority too much to try anything.

The interviews of the Broadway Revival cast tell a very different story of what was going on behind the scenes. Apparently, they were rushed for time and there weren’t as many rehearsals before the show as there usually are. That, combined with the new choreography meant that nobody really knew what they were doing. Munkustrap and Tugger were confirmed to be siblings, but very little backstory information was given outside of that. The few cast members who worked with Gillian Lynne seemed to have a better idea of what was going on with their characters. Andy Blankenbuehler was still figuring things out and wasn’t able to offer similar clarity. The few times anyone was told anything, it was usually by Trevor Nunn.

Basically, Nunn and Lynne invented Cats, and nobody else seems to know how the fuck any of it works.

Tyler Hanes and Sara Jean Ford knew each other before being cast and they came up with a lot of backstory for their characters, which everyone else got drawn into. Ford played Jellylorum as the same age as Tugger. Since the actors are best friends, so are the characters, even though that makes little sense with their personalities. Jennyanydots, Bombalurina, Demeter, and Grizabella were in that same age range as well. It appears that nobody was anywhere between Munkustrap and Old Deuteronomy in age, for some reason. Jenny and Skimble are a couple in this version, so Skimble’s probably also in this group. They have kittens together. Electra and Rumpleteazer are among them, though nothing was said about Mungojerrie. The merge with Coricopat and Tantomile in the US Tour implies that they’re twins in that version. In the Broadway Revival and the tour based on it, they’re apparently unrelated.

Grizabella ended up with a far more detailed backstory, all made up by the cast. She’s Jellylorum’s sister and she stole a man away from her and Jelly never loved again. None of the kittens are Jelly’s, though she’s sort of the nanny to all of them. Griz also had some sort of affair with Tugger and broke his heart, which is why he doesn’t do commitment. Then, Griz ran off with Macavity, got dumped for Bombalurina, and then she got dumped for Demeter who decided that Macavity was bad news pretty early on and ditched him. The relationship was abusive, but no one mentioned a kidnapping. After leaving Macavity, Griz was no longer welcome in the tribe, even though Bomba and Demeter were because Reasons. Forgetting that these characters are not human, she then got addicted to drugs, was driven to prostitution to support her drug habit, had a bunch of kids, and then left those kids to be raised by Jenny, who resents her for it. Nobody says which kittens are Grizabella’s. Portions of this backstory were used in the 2019 movie.

Also, I can say that some of the characterization issues with Tugger were, in fact, a direct result of the choreography changes. Tyler Hanes wanted to play up the sexuality of the character in a way that the new choreography didn’t allow. If Gillian Lynne’s choreography had been used for the number, Tugger’s characterization probably would’ve turned out very different, but the changes meant that what Hanes knew about the character, and how the audience perceived the character, were altered by the new choreography putting emphasis on vanity instead of sexuality.

So, that’s the story so far. Compared to at least one early production, the Broadway Revival was rushed and poorly thought out. The actors were given little information and left to fend for themselves, and they prioritized their bonds with their irl friends over what made sense for their characters. Interviews of cast members from both the revival and the following tour reference Andy Blankenbuehler as the one who had all the information, who the cast looked to for instructions. But, he had no idea what he was doing and couldn’t really help them.

Most of the problems can be traced to Blankenbuehler not knowing what he was doing and never really figuring it out. Though, some blame has to be placed on the cast who, left to their own devices, had a lot of bad ideas. Hanes and Ford in particular, though it was good that someone was trying to take charge, created a bit of a mess. None of Jellylorum’s character resembles any other Jellylorum characterization I’ve ever seen, and it doesn’t even come across clearly on stage. The young cast all seemed to struggle with the idea of playing older characters and nobody told them that they couldn’t age them down. The generation gap between Tugger and Jenny and Jelly is character information that’s now completely lost on the audience. You need older characters disapproving of Tugger to show that he’s a controversial figure to the tribe, not just an annoyance to Munkustrap.

But, some of the worst characterization problems were not entirely the fault of the cast. As I mentioned before, Tugger’s characterization was changed by the choreography. Grizabella had already been aged down by her redesign. Since Demeter’s kidnapping backstory wasn’t explained, this affected how Demeter was portrayed. Her sympathy for Grizabella came from having been on that side of town as Macavity’s prisoner and seeing the condition she was in. Without that backstory, Kim Faure may have not known that Demeter was supposed to have sympathy for Grizabella and interpreted her part differently. This was the result of unclear direction.

What We’ve Learned Today:

1. In the 1980s, Mistoffelees was, in fact, played as older than Jacob Brent played him in the VHS.

2. Munkustrap and Tugger (and not Mistoffelees) have pretty much always been the sons of Old Deuteronomy.

3. The backstory Jacob Brent gave for Demeter was the standard backstory for the character well before the VHS was filmed.

4. Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were considered twins in the 1980s and most likely continued to be seen as such until the revival era, though I haven’t exactly checked in with every single production.

5. The Broadway Revival was a behind the scenes and nightmare and it’s mostly Blankenbuehler’s fault.

6. Gillian Lynne wrote Cats. Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a concept album.

7. There are no middle-aged cats in the 2016 revival. I think Sara Jean Ford started it.

8. The idea that Grizabella’s backstory involved Macavity started with the 2016 cast improvising.

9. Kim Faure’s Demeter was most likely OOC due to a removal or lack of explanation of backstory.

10. Sometimes it’s okay to do things the same way they’ve been done before.

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

[1/?] Sorry for venting. I just saw some bad takes that gave me a lot of feelings. Personally, JC stresses me out every time he comes on screen, but I don't mind it when JC fans say fan-typical things like how they like JC because he wears purple, or is grumpy, or they think he's hot, or that they ship x*ch*ng because the cql actors have nice jawlines. They're harmless, fun takes, and while I don't agree with some of them, I see where they're coming from

Hello there anon, vent away as that is what my blog is open for as I love/hate on Jiang Cheng as he is in the plot, as well as all of my beef with what has been done to him for the EN side of the fanbase! I am more than fine listening and engaging with the unsavory "unpopular" discussions of his canon behavior and this goes for anyone of course that needs an open play area. I'll try to engage with what you have sent point by point as succinctly as I can.

[2/?] (some of these are obviously crack, and I am a fan of a few problematic faves). But then there are stans that just have to put other characters down to make JC look good. Like, I think some fans take their freedom of interpretation for granted because most of these takes aren't even labeled 'headcanon,' 'ooc,' or 'crack' anymore. Stans feel that their interpretations are valid, and while they are, valid =/= canon, and they're treating these takes as canon, which becomes popular fanon.

I enjoy Jiang Cheng for what he is, however as I had said it took me another reread to get to my stance of him being the negative mirror to Lan Wangji's positive and my comfort with that for the story once I realized what purpose he served. He is only insofar tragic in regards to his circumstances, but it does not absolve him for what he is at his core (no pun, but I can make a very nice metaphor that even with a piece of Wei Wuxian in him he is still forever unable and unwilling to stand by him equally all while stagnating where as Lan Wangji is able to flourish, grow and mature with nothing of import left from Wei Wuxian in a technical sense). As for ships, I am a little dirty Xicheng whore for fun and can say there is a sense of entertainment for me making it work with two people where one is wildly ignorant and the other wildly rabid. But that is outside of what is established as canon in the work and I always try to keep the two strictly separate due to the skew fanon perpetuates.

3/?] And now, it's not clear what part of the fanon references canon JC or the canon events of mdzs. JC is an asshole; I don't like him as a person, but I do think that he's a complex character motivated by many issues (sup, YeeZY), which makes him fascinating to explore. Unfortunately, erasing his culpability also removes his agency. JC should be allowed to be an asshole character who makes his own decisions even if they're the wrong ones. He has made his own tragedy by constantly casting Wei Wuxian as the villain of his life.

Now thanks to you I will be using YeeZY to forever and now to acknowledge Madam Yu (this is your fault for the new tag). From a standing from storytelling I agree that he is complex in the Jianghu for MDZS. Where in the usual political intrigue of Wuxia, he would be the mustache twirling villain that is outright unforgivable in narration, it is by favor of Wei Wuxian's narration that has an early steeping of empathy for him. And he is not meant to be seen as ultimately sympathetic, the work builds up his hate against Wei Wuxian who tries to rationalize it all several times until he is finally unable to. Jiang Cheng is the antithesis to Lan Wangji and the false bait to get attached to in Wei Wuxian's first life. I will make the note their meeting in Yiling is lukewarm between both as they exchange nothing really in terms of conversation and all pleasantries are left in terms of Jiang Yanli for Wei Wuxian. By this point Wei Wuxian has already switched his yearnings of platonically wanting a part of Jiang Cheng's life, to subconscious romantic inclinations about Lan Wangji and the perceived loss of being in the other's life.

The very point of Jiang Cheng as the deconstruction, is that he has no passion in life despite his apparent exploits because he put a shadow to hang over himself as an excuse to say others think he is not good enough. He has no deeper motivations than pure selfishness by the end of the work and is pure frivolity that he has built up losing the meaning of his sect as a tradition. He had his agency (more than anyone I might add in the work due to his social position) that he used to build his reputation as a passive rich sect leader that has little to do with civilian problems.

4/?] And I think a JC, somehow, that realizes that he did something wrong and is working hard to change for the better and gain self-actualization to become that UWU best jiujiu the stans want him to be, who is ready to talk (not yell at) with WWX, apologize to him, and create a better, healthier relationship with him is a much more powerful reconciliation and happy ending than 'everyone is wrong and mean and they all apologize to JC, which magically gets rid of all his issues'.

He is forced out of culpability in reconciliation because simply put, his audience do not like the reality that relationships fray and dissolve with no further resolution other than we as adults both need to move on for safety and good health. It is not acceptable in real life and fiction is allowed to place that also in it's thematic relationships. He has a small, small spark of recognition at the end of the main story, however he himself seems to choose to ignore it, as change is hard and he has never taken to that well as was foreshadowed with his dogs and the idea of sharing a space with Wei Wuxian. To write this is an awful lot of work into his psyche which is not a nice place, he is a terrible being and downplaying that to make a sugar sweet person does not work instantaneously. He is the one responsible for the entire fallout with Wei Wuxian and he hysterically realizes that even as he tries to continue to blame Wei Wuxian.

The issue that I have with his current stan culture, is that they already view him as something he is not. They play at bicycle with all of the other protagonists that have positive traits that they strip as they see fit; Good affirming loving to children adult Lan Wangji, Self-sacrificing ultimately did it all for love and care Wei Wuxian, Hard exterior but softened to who they consider an annoyance Wen Qing, Loyal as partners in their exploits on the field and always have each others back Wen Ning. They even take Jin Guangyao's persona of playing damsel and using that as a positive to soften up Jiang Cheng into something he has never been for anyone for ships.

[5/5] Also, making WWX/WN/LWJ apologize just makes them look better than JC. Like, stans supposedly love JC, so they ahouldn't be lazy and work hard to give him actual character development. Again, I'm sorry for spamming your ask. It just really baffles me about where they get these 'hot' takes (All I'm going to say is that JC was ungrateful, and WN had a reason verbally dismantle him).

They see this, but, they will spin it in any way to excuse Jiang Cheng due to the story itself showing that he was in the wrong to everyone he flung accusations at and his hate. No one but him is at fault for his spite as he had gotten his revenge on the ones that had ruined Lotus Pier and killed his parents. His own resentment pitted him against good and well meaning people that he refused to help as he mimicked his mother's words about raising their heads higher out of goodness instead of keeping low and staying self-centered. There is the underlying criticism of taking individual arrogance as self-care at the cost of others. Each point that Wen Ning makes is exactly what Jiang Cheng himself knows as he hated Wei Wuxian for being something he could not be or even wanted to be. Jiang Cheng wants kindness but does not understand that kindness to others needs to be selfless and accept the hurt that can come with that in life. He encompasses the fall from the path of buddhist lifestyle, "The Three Poisons" to Wangxian's "Without Envy" at the stories end.

[6/5] P.S. I'm not saying I want reconciliation fics, but I just feel that if stans want JC to have a happy ending, then I think that he should actively work for it. I think it would be interesting to see what force of nature would push him through a character development because throwing a therapist at him would result in a murder.

"I'm not saying I want reconciliation fics, but I just feel that if stans want JC to have a happy ending, then I think that he should actively work for it."

They do not think he has to work for it, they say his tragedy is enough, while heaping accusations against Wei Wuxian and saying his own are not enough to absolve him. Something Wei Wuxian has never denied and told all present they are allowed to forever hate him for what he had done in the past, but that they need to find a way to live in a life that is always moving on. He learned that grudges do nothing once they are absolved and it leaves you with hate with nothing else to do with it once that object is gone. In terms of reconciliation, I do not ever think that either want anything other than a distant peaceful out of each other's life set up. Jiang Cheng does not need Wei Wuxian in his life to be satisfied and never has since he used him as the handicap to hide behind to stay angry and miserable. Being without that fallback opens the world far more for him to change than him ever interacting like an old friend with Wei Wuxian ever again, if he ever had the guts to do that.

[bansept]

Sacrifice

SO, this is angst based on an episode from TVD, which I used to watch. I had in mind almost recreating an episode but then thought “nahhh” So at least I tried to innovate!

This is a one shot, so no updates after that because I love making people suffer, obviously.

Slight OOCness, because it’s a rather dark world.

TRIGGER WARNING : Major character death + mental issues that are camouflaged but not that much

----------------------------------------------------------

One does not decide their fate. You are born from your mother, grow and meet people, if fate is merciful, you meet the one you were created to love. You spend a lifetime with them, you learn how to love, how to care, how to live. You get to understand what it is like to choose for the first time. And, after a life worth of adventures, stories and feelings, you are put to rest.

Once upon a time Ichigo and Orihime believed in this reality. Believed that life could be harsh, but they would climb out of the pit of darkness to reach the sunlight, and enjoy it.

.

.

.

Like all days, it was sunny. In their minds, the vast grass filed in front of them was always illuminated, the light breeze always brought new and known scents to their noses, and they could feel whole again. They could feel the warmth of the Sun, the touch of the other on their hand. The whisper of the wind caressing their ears.

In their inner world, all was alright. All was safe and loving.

The exterior world was corrupted by uncaring people. It was dark and messy and cruel, nothing good could ever come out of it.

Especially people.

Their families had left, stolen away by the frightening death that loomed over each human being. From the father, whose childish behavior always pushed Ichigo out of his skin to the sisters and the brother that loved their sibling in the purest way possible. The sisters looked out for their brother, asking for his protection and his support. The brother watched over his sister, calming her when the world was latching onto her, pulling her out of the black waters of her mind.

But now, all this happiness they could vaguely remember had been taken away. Vanished, disappeared in thin air. Where did they go? Where were they all now? In the sky or in the dirt?

There were no such things as an answer.

“Let’s get going, Orihime.”

The rough voice brought another wide smile on her face. She felt his hand hold hers tenderly, and nodding her head, Orihime followed him docily, letting him lead the way, like he always did.

The world was upside down : debris of buildings here and there, some gigantic from a building or a skyscraper, others small enough to step on. Blocks of stones and piles of wood and iron littered the floor, waiting for more scavengers to dig in them, try to find what was essential to live.

But living was not possible anymore. Not after bombs were dropped on Japan. It was said it was that way all over the world, but no one could say for sure. Was it true the world was destroyed by a radioactive menace? Was it true that the peoples of the Earth were reduced to nothing but wandering all day long to survive for another day?

Orihime could never know. Her world was a golden field with a orange-haired man sitting next to her.

Ichigo talked to her. Explained what he saw, what he felt, what was happening aroudn them. Anything he knew Orihime would love, he described it to her, from a rare seagull to a tiny sprout on the ground, trying its hardest to get some energy. Many times, Ichigo would snark a remark, something along the lines of “it’s fighting to exist, just like us.”. Orihime could do nothing but hold his hand tighter.

For months now, they walked the day to stop at night, cuddling closer no matter the heat of the weather, holding the other close. Closing her eyes didn’t change a thing : she was still in the field with him. She was still watching his traits shift to something relaxed and she was still amazed by him.

Ichigo shifted closer to her, taking the light bag off her back to let her poor spine breathe a little.

“What are you thinking about?”

She smiled. What an obvious question.

“You.”

She heard him chuckle, the sound soft.

“Ah, even in this situation, you keep on saying that.”

Orihime felt his other hand on the top of her head, caressing the not so souple hair, pushing a few strands out of her face, not that it mattered anyway. She didn’t say anything, only placed her chin against his hand.

Even in this situation, where the world she couldn’t see anymore was destroyed, their families and friends dead, Orihime would still be strong enough to smile. If it was fate to live, and if things happened for a reason, then all the suferring of today would vanish tomorrow, and they would meet again in the golden fields.

.

.

.

When two people travel together in a hostile place, it has its advantages and its inconvenients.

The first being only worrying about one person. No time wasted thinking about a potential individual that got lost. And with Orihime not being able to walk two steps alone, it was easy to stick together. The food, found in a deserted cafeteria or an abandoned house, was also easy to share.

The second... Their number was low, and if they encountered any threat, it was hard to outrun it, or to fight it. Orihime was Ichigo’s number one priority. Always had, always will be. But that only pushed him deeper into the danger.

And it was during the night they would feel the weakest. Ichigo could stand watch, not Orihime. Orihime could sleep, not Ichigo.

When one dreamed of the same place with the same person, the other was haunted by the nightmares of the reality laid bare in front of him. Destroyed houses, rotting corpses, violence in each corner.

One does not decide their fate. They are born with protection in their names, and it is their way of life to live by it. It is not their choice what they see or what they think.

He can’t help but think he should travel alone, leave Orihime to a safer place and come back to her once in a while with what she needs.

But if thinking is not up to him, then feeling is.

He can’t bear it. The thought of letting her be alone. Without him. He aches the moment he thinks of leaving her. So he doesn’t.

He aches the moment he sees her white eyes focus on nothing but her last memory of him, of them, in the field near a barn they used to like.

He aches when he knows how much she must suffer from being stuck in one place.

But because he feels and because those feelings lead him, he keeps them going. In a way, he started to believe fate would be kind after it is cruel. Maybe they will get better soon.

Until he knows they won’t.

Scavengers, unknown men and women, hiding behind old rusted glasses and torn rags encounter them one day. Without any discussion, any word, they attack them, they push them to the ground to rob them. Ichigo wants to fight, but Orihime grabs his hand, his arm, his body to have him close.

The golden fields in her head are starting to burn.

The foreigners attach them far away from each other. Ichigo is near an old electric pole, tied smartly, no chances of him getting out without getting injuried. Orihime on her side, she is told to sit near the fire, because what can a blind girl do? She can’t run, she can’t escape, she can’t help.

The golden fields in her head are burning now.

Ichigo watches her cry, clear tears coming out of foggy eyes, her head tilted to the sky, not daring to speak. And he sense she’s lossing it.

Not because they are seperated by a few meters. Not because he’s not holding her hand. Because she, who couldn’t see the world, couldn’t perceive how evil it had turned, encoutered it by herself. And the only safe place, physically and mentally, was getting ripped away from her.

Ichigo tried to fight his bounds. He tried to have this tiny shape of light and hope in his mind, that the day he would have fate on his side was here. That he could free himself, and her, and go back home.

It lasted for hours. Her crying, his pulling. Both were silent, one to not bring attention, the other too shocked and petrified to move.

Maybe it was luck, maybe it was fate, but they managed to get out. Ichigo shuffled his hands out of the ropes, pretending to sleep as a guard looked down on him. He turned around and the orange-haired man stood up abruptly to wrap an arm around his neck, suffocating him enough to make the lad fall unconcsious on the ground.

.

.

.

But there was nothing he could now.

The fire of reality and fate had burned the golden fields.

There was no Sun. No wind. No gentleness, no caress. The orange wasn’t just a mass of hair next to her anymore. It was all she could feel, from the sky to the clouds. The ground was dark and bloody, the piece only shrinking into chaos.

She couldn’t walk anymore. She couldn’t run, or hide, or talk or anything! All was gone! All she hoped, all she yearned, all she saw was gone!

Even the hand on her arm, the same as always, the same touch and same pressure on her skin, it was different, and it was bad.

Everything hurt. Nothing was bearable anymore.

“Orihime, please... We gotta go now, or they’ll get to us...”

“I don’t want to move.”

He stopped pulling her arm, instead cupping her face. She couldn’t feel his eyes on her own. All was gone.

“What? Hime, come on, now is not the best time...”

“Why... Why are we doing this?”

Ichigo didn’t answer, nor did he asked what she was talking about. He only hissed an insult. Orihime’s void eyes blinked, and she waved her hands to him, messily touching his sides. It was wet.

“I don’t want... I can’t have this anymore! I can’t get going like this! And neither can you, Ichigo... So please... Let’s go home.”

Her hand pushed against the fabric of his vest in a relfex to stop the bleeding he had gotten from the guard. She had heard some fighting by Ichigo’s side, but he had assured her he was fine.

Liar.

“Orihime...”

“Don’t tell me can’t!” Tears kept spilling, getting in her mouth, on the side of her nose, dropping on the floor. “I’m tired, tired of doing all this! I’m tired of suffering everyday, of knowing you suffer too! What kind of life could we have here! Huh? Nothing!”

“... I know.”

“I just want to be home... Just want to feel the sun on my face again...”

A little click was heard, and Orihime closed her eyes, lips curling into a smile. Ichigo breathed out, voice shaking but calm and determined.

“... We’re going back home. To Sora, to Yuzu and Karin. To my father and mother.”

Ichigo pulled them close, sliding a cold and hard gun in Orihime’s hand, their foreheads brought together to feel warmth.

“I can’t wait to meet them... And so that I can talk to Sora about you. He’ll be glad.”

“I’m nervous... I hope he’ll like me.”

The two chuckled, and Orihime leaned closer to gently kiss him on the lips.

“He will.”

One does not decide their fate. You are born from your mother, grow and meet people, if fate is merciful, you meet the one you were created to love. You spend a lifetime with them, you learn how to love, how to care, how to live. You get to understand what it is like to choose for the first time. And, after a life worth of adventures, stories and feelings, you are put to rest.

Once upon a time Ichigo and Orihime believed in this reality. Believed that life could be harsh, but they would climb out of the pit of darkness to reach the sunlight, and enjoy it.

They were not always surrounded by light. They were not always surrounded by warmth.

They knew they wouldn’t be in the sky or in the ground.

They knew where their place was.

They knew where the sunlight was, the same place they would feel warmth, always.

There were two loud bangs. One soft thud, as their bodies fell together.

Then laughter, the golden fields perfect again, with the new Sun, the new wind, the new caresses, and the joy of meeting new faces.

Now, and forever, they were put to rest, and fate would never be cruel again.

---------------------------------------------------------- 

I’m not certain that people will like it, since I wrote that in an hour and with a loud loud mind.

I hope you guys do not hate me too much haha

[highladyluck]

Here, have 4.5 pages of rambly Tuon meta. I wrote this to try to get a handle on Tuon’s character, and to develop the theoretical framework for a redemption arc for her. I’m hoping posting this doesn’t cut my motivation to actually write it...

Who is Tuon? Tuon Athaem Kore Paendrag, High Lady, Daughter of the Nine Moons; now the Empress of Seanchan (at least on the westlands side), Fortuona Athaem Kore Paendrag. To borrow some phrasing and framing from @websandwhiskers: She’s the pinnacle of Seanchan culture and an extremely functional tool of the state; responsible (both personally and institutionally) for psychologically and physically torturing people and enslaving them; she also has some compelling moral and personal qualities that she and the state have not yet managed to quash, which kind of makes it all worse, ethically speaking. She’s a villain whom the original narrative neither sufficiently condemns nor sufficiently redeems, married to one of the Big Damn Heroes in a match that’s both very odd couple and very complementary.

She respects people who stand up to her, as long as they aren't 'disrespectful' in the process- and the 'disrespect' is very situational, she'll accept things in private or in non-court settings that she can't let slide in court without losing face and therefore power. She cares very much about the legitimacy of authority, because it correlates positively with stability and is ingrained in her self-image, but she has an autocrat’s idea of what is legitimate. She assumes you know your own self-worth in relation to hers and are prepared to both display it and back it up. She has also internalized that other people's challenges of her are opportunities for her to prove her strength and fitness to rule, and she probably low-key seeks to provoke reactions now as validation/training, for herself and others.

She has rigid moral standards within the context she was raised in, and punishes herself first for perceived failure because if she does it first, perhaps she can avoid someone else doing it, with deadlier results. She has never been allowed to be less than perfect by her culture's standards- she can be (and has been) odd, but she cannot be flawed- and possibly expends all of her natural empathy on others instead of herself, because she can't afford that kind of indulgence herself, but she knows she owes it to lesser beings?

And as @websandwhiskers pointed out, she does have a lot of empathy within allowable contexts, and I think she is willing to push the envelope compared to her peers as long as she/the empire isn't directly threatened. That's what the kiss after Mat let the poisonous snake go was about. The snake was poisonous but not attacking, and not likely to attack unless someone escalated the situation, and Mat deescalated it. No harm, no foul. Mat responded to a fraught situation both logically and mercifully, in the way she imagined she would have if she had been in his shoes and known he same facts he did, and she rewarded him.

She’s competent and charismatic; I hesitate to say that she inspires loyalty in underlings because honestly with the damane it’s brainwashing (eurgh). But Selucia and Karede are both really into her, personally, even when there are societal inducements not to play favorites. Mat is loyal to her, though honestly Mat is loyal to like... anyone he’s responsible for, so maybe it’s more relevant to say that Mat genuinely likes her; at least, he likes the person he thinks he can coax out of her, and in terms of the persona she has more typically, I think he responds well to her competency and self-possession. The ability to project those things is probably a big part of what goes into charisma.

She thinks that the people who oppose her just don't have all the facts. She doesn't like to admit she's changed her mind; it looks like weakness; she's fine identifying it in others but not herself. Ideally she would pretend things have always been the way she now knows they are, and if she can't, she goes for the "Yes [fact], but [here's what I've decided is now germane to the argument at hand]." redefinition of the problem. She always thinks she’s right, though she does tend to leave some space between when she’s decided something and when she promulgates the decision, to allow for opposing arguments.

I think the original relationship Tuon has with omens is that she uses them to look for external justification from the universe for decisions she's already made. (I mostly like Sanderson's Tuon POVs, but I also I think Sanderson sometimes used omens as a 'make Tuon do OOC things for the plot' card.) Tuon's running dialogue with omens also shows that she's always observing the world and interpreting her effect on it and its effect on her. She loses her composure with omens when they are more concrete and less subject to her control (via interpretation), as with Lidya's fortune.

It makes sense that she's super controlling. It was how she was raised, and aside from having loyal/brainwashed companions (who are, themselves, a form of distributed control), being controlling is obviously the only thing that makes her feel safe. It's still interesting how it extends into a dialogue with the Pattern itself. Like Mat, she wants to survive and she wants to go her own way, and also like Mat she's caught up in the Pattern a little more tightly than others. I think she and Mat have both subconsciously decided that the only way to deal with what the universe wants you to do, when the universe is that powerful, is to say "Fine, I didn't really want to do that other thing anyway, let's learn how this path works and play to win."

She knows she makes bad decisions when angry, and I think in general she distrusts strong emotions, or at least tries to hold them at arms' length so they don't form part of her judgment. She's very very good at compartmentalizing, but as a result sometimes emotional stuff will come up and blindside her a little because she doesn't prioritize it or see it as a natural part of her decision-making. I think her emotions do influence her, usually subconsciously, but she's obviously a Thinking type. (Mat is also a compartmentalizer, but more somatic/emotionally focused; he's got his feelings directly wired into his body and together they make decisions that his brain then evaluates a second later, with running commentary that he never expresses to anyone else. They are both comedically un-self-aware, although Tuon is even less self-aware than Mat is, since at least on some level Mat knows he's been repeatedly traumatized even if he tries to pretend he isn't, while Tuon still thinks that her childhood was completely fine.)

Within the original narrative, I think her POVs are always a bit mysterious and her actions are always a little surprising. What’s impressive about that is that this is basically *always* true no matter what setting she’s in and what she’s doing. When you’re in her head you see her thought process ticking away, but RJ and Sanderson both have her constantly withholding important contextual details in her POVs, like Lidya’s prophecy (the hints are there and come out in bits and pieces, but she doesn’t reveal everything and slot it into context until 2 books later). Like with reading Mat, you’re aware that she obviously has reasons for what she’s doing and you even see her decision-making process, but because you’re missing the details, she remains opaque even though you’re in her head. (Mat’s decision-making process is more clear to the reader, but somewhat opaque to himself and definitely opaque to those around him.)

Meanwhile the things Tuon does share via narration or via action are always kind of buck-wild for the reader because her entire deal is such a culture shock. She’s obviously surprising Mat & co, but what’s weird is that she also seems to be constantly surprising her fellow Seanchan. Her scenes with her peers are usually punctuated with shocked murmuring in the background. They have trouble anticipating her, both because she keeps her cards close to her chest, and I also think because she’s a slightly different person from the one who lived her entire life in a cloistered murdersphere in Seanchan, and if she wasn’t a different person after leaving home, she’s definitely one after her kidnapping. But I think she is a fundamentally different person after leaving home, because of the structural parallels she has with Mat.

In Mat’s first POV chapter, he wakes up in Tar Valon with partial amnesia and a much stronger sense of self-preservation than he had before. As everybodyhatesrand points out (crediting but not tagging them since I feel like they wouldn’t appreciate being tagged in Tuon apologia), we have never been in pre-dagger!Mat’s head. We have never been in dagger!Mat’s head. Everyone in the books, throughout the books, is like “At least Mat’s still the same!” and yeah, he does do and say more or less the same things before and after the dagger. But we had to take it on faith that his personality is more or less intact pre- and post-dagger because we, the readers, only know post-dagger!Mat’s inner monologues. The Mat we inhabit in book 3? He’s been broken. The continuity between his old life and his new life has been disrupted (and will continue to be disrupted, including with an actual literal timeline reboot!) He immediately starts off to fix himself, others, and then eventually the world, so it’s motivating, but the hits really just keep coming...

Like Mat, Tuon’s first POV only appears after she’s left the traumatic environment that shaped her. We don’t know what travelling across the sea did to her sense of self (and we can’t really know since we don’t have that in-Seanchan-baseline), though we do know she’s changed after travelling with Mat (aside from catching feelings, I think she learned that the Seanchan are not always in possession of all the facts), and we know what becoming Empress did to her (she doubled down on duty and lost a lot of personal flexibility). I think there are major structural parallels between Mat and Tuon’s POVs because they’re both broken people who try their very best to act as if they are not broken. In Tuon’s case I think she just doesn’t know how broken she is. In Mat’s case, he knows, but he’s doing a weird balancing act of integrating lessons learned (healing!) while also, like, frantically trying to ignore or drown out the emotional cost of trauma (not healing!)

By the end of the series I think Tuon knows, but is not letting herself actually think, that being made damane is a) a real possibility for her, specifically, and b) that it is not, in fact, something she would willingly choose for herself even to serve the empire. I think this is different from the more intellectual disgust of the idea of herself channeling; that's abstract, and she imagines there's an actual choice for the person with the spark between channeling and not channeling, or possibly that there's an actual choice between learning to channel vs not learning to channel if you have the spark inborn. (We know that the actual choice if you have the spark is 'learn to channel properly or die'.) Tuon's out there like "If I were a marath'damane I would simply choose not to channel. RIP to marath'damane but I'm different".

She's never been a marath'damane in the sense of someone who started channeling involuntarily, and isn't interested in imagining herself as one, at least not when confronted by someone who is succeeding in making her angry. So even if you made her choose, as a theoretical marath'damane, between dying and learning to channel properly, I think she'd consider 'learning to channel properly' as 'becoming a murderer' and therefore the choice would be between dying and becoming a murderer. There's a clear argument to be made in that idiom that the marath'damane is 'becoming a murderer' in self-defense, which would have a different moral tenor (manslaughter vs murder). But Tuon strikes me as the type to say in an argument (and probably believe) that "The end result is the same & I would die before compromising my principles.”

I think in the confrontation with Egwene she probably internally justified not putting the collar on because there was a Seanchan audience and because the taunt came from an escaped damane, even though the actual reason was fear that it would work. She’s letting the circumstances invalidate the argument so she doesn’t have to think about it. I think if she were to let herself think about the authentic emotional response- and she probably has, I feel like she does a postmortem on all of her public discomposure- she would consciously know that her instinct was that it would work on her, and furthermore she would know that she does not want to be damane, even if the Empire would require her to be.

If she followed out the chain of reasoning, she’d know that if she were a damane, if she were actually leashed, she would be forced to channel. She’d know because she’s taken great pleasure in training and breaking damane, and she knows how to get damane to channel and how to break them. Therefore, if she were damane, she would know that she would need to be broken, and she knows how she would go about breaking herself. She probably thinks that her last act of free will would be to suicide if she possibly could. But I think that what she’s AFRAID OF is that she would actually convince herself that being the very best damane is all she wants out of life. And that's the scary, universe-ending thought she's avoiding the consequences of, because a) it’s about breaking herself (as Cadsuane points out, no one can easily think about breaking themselves) and b) the fact that she would need to be broken and that she doesn’t like the idea is a sign that she’s not the perfect avatar of the Empire that she thinks she should be.

I think becoming damane has been added- in the bare abstract- to her mental list of the price of failure. It's a very fundamental loss of control and identity, where all she has is resignation and brainwashing that- best case scenario- she does to herself. She's scared of it in a way she was not before, now that it's been made personal. Like Mat, she's going to shove that down deep and ignore the bad scary implications as long as she can, up until the point that they actually disable her or otherwise bleed out into her intellectual or physical world in ways that aren't as ignorable.

But while Tuon thinks she would die before compromising her principles, and even more secretly is extremely afraid that she *wouldn't*, I also think that like Mat, if it came down to it she would transform herself radically to survive *as herself*.

She’d realize that she has other principles, more human ones, underlying her socially acceptable and externally imposed principles of enforcing hierarchy and maintaining personal integrity. (Parallels to dagger!Mat being exorcised?) I think her basic motivations are that she should survive, that she should retain as much control/power over her own fate as possible, and that she should make decisions from a place of empathy rather than anger or fear. I think she would also realize that she does in fact value some principles over others. She would redefine the meaning of ‘personal integrity’ to separate it from what the state wants.

If she knew what was really driving her socially acceptable principles, and that there was a difference between what she really, fundamentally wanted & what she had been told to want, with encouragement she could prioritize the organic, primal ones and apply those to the external world. If she is a person, then everyone else is a person, and she should want for them what she wants for herself. I think she might get to the point of realizing there is an alternative path (of what looks like selfishness) but I don't think she's going to let herself be selfish (in this healing, positive way) without external prompting/confirmation, so this is probably where friends, positive role models, and finally omens come in.

[dotthings]

While usually I’d post my ep-watching notes, I’m skipping that this time because 15.03 is such a deep dive emotionally on multiple character points. Also I’d normally rewatch before going into more depth on any one point but the Dean and Cas part in particular is a raw wound I need to get my thoughts out before I lose what’s left of my mind because of this show. That was a LOT.

Disclaimer because fandom is how it is: I will block anybody who brings character hate onto this post. You will, especially, not reblog me just to screech I have no right to consider Dean’s pov seriously and treat him as a human being and that Dean has no right to feelings how dare u. Disagreement is fine, if you see the characters and story from a slightly different angle, so long as the discussion’s in good faith, we’re good.

I’ve talked here a few times about why Dean feels the way he does about recent events, why he has a right to anger, hurt, pain, and this is a little similar, as I’m definitely not going to stop treating Dean like the layered, sympathetic, complicated character that he is any time soon, and he has every right to the anger and the hurt and the pain, but in this specific scene, his words are in the wrong. It’s in the same zip code as “you’re dead to me” and Dean delivering ultimatums to Cas, both of which are things I’ve criticized. This doesn’t mean Dean doesn’t have a right to his feelings or I’m going to ignore why he might act the way he does instead of knee jerk simplifying, which does the character, the story, his relationship with Cas, and the entire show a disservice. He has a right to that anger, fear, pain, hurt. However there’s a distinction between things Cas actually did where I can see why Dean might still be upset with him—shutting Dean out, not trusting Dean enough, not trusting in THEM enough--and then there’s Dean saying things are are untrue and unfair.

In the final scene of 15.03 Dean pins every screw up onto Cas, he uses the word “always” and it is a shockingly unfair statement, and you could make a history reel of Team Free Will demonstrating how off-canon that statement is. Let’s not repeat that cyclical thing, because it’s a trap like a hamster wheel and maybe some infernal device of Chuck’s to get fandom to fight, but anyone with an ounce of sense, who pays attention to canon, can see that Sam, Dean, and Cas have set things in motion that make big messes, repeatedly.

What Dean says plays into all of Cas’s deepest insecurities and fears, and the intention of the episode is very very clear that even Dean doesn’t believe what he’s saying. He says it anyway, which is a whole mess right there and I’ll get into that, but the things Dean says to Cas aren’t Dean’s truth. Jensen’s incredible, beautiful acting makes it obvious immediately not only that Dean doesn’t truly believe what he’s saying, but that Dean deeply regrets it the second they come out of his mouth. Most people have at one time or another said stupid things in anger they don’t really believe, or give into the impulse to lash out. Dean’s tendency to do this isn’t constructive or positive behavior, it’s a character flaw, but he is also a sympathetically portrayed character, not an asshole or an abuser, and we are always shown the sources of the hurt and the pain that brings him to that point. That doesn’t mean he can do that to Cas and it’s perfectly okay. But it’s a deeply ugly, bad hot take to treat Dean as monstrous or abusive.

Understanding where the pain comes from that gets Dean to the point he’d lash out like this doesn’t mean that what comes out of his mouth on the other end is right.

There is no part of Dean that really thinks Cas ruined everything and is always what makes things go wrong. It’s actually laughable to suggest this—I will for reals laugh at anyone who tries to earnestly argue that as a reliable take on canon. That’s pretty much someone who has divorced the canon and isn’t paying attention to years and years of material. This line isn’t in fact actually about Cas ruining Team Free Will save the world plans. It’s something much deeper, about Dean’s fears and Cas’s. Which I’ll get to a sec.

Dean also is incredibly unfair in blaming Cas for Rowena’s death, and if Cas had just let Bel devour all those souls and become a Lucifer-level problem, TFW would again be completely screwed. And he is also uncharacteristically cold to Cas about sending him on the mission to Hell with Bel. These are all red flags and build-up to the final scene. 

Fandom loves to yell about OOCness. This isn’t OOC, these things, this hurt, they are a part of Dean, but they aren’t how he really feels about things, they are purposefully crafted as red flags to show the audience something is wrong. Not that Dean isn’t himself, or possessed. It’s like a figurative, emotional possession. His deep sense of despair is eating him alive and his relationship with Cas is taking a hit from it.

It’s also interesting Dean voices what AU Michael said, which was AU Michael using Dean’s greatest fears about how Cas might perceive how Dean feels about him. This isn’t proof that AU Michael was speaking the truth about how Dean feels after all. It’s that Dean remembers witnessing AU Michael saying that to Cas, taunting Cas with it, and it’s still among Dean’s big fears—that Cas thinks he ruined Dean’s life, that Dean doesn’t love him back and blames him for all the troubles. Then there’s Dean’s fears that Cas doesn’t love him back, that Dean ruined an angel, Cas’s falling was his fault and so every bad thing that happens to Cas, deep down, Dean self-loathes himself for. 

Dean has done a lot of growing but the vestiges of the Dean in S9 who said “I’m poison” are still there. That kind of thing doesn’t just magically go away never to return.

And here’s this huge chasm that has opened under Dean’s feet. Dean is doubting the meaning of his entire life right now, because of the revelation about Chuck. Because of Dean wondering if anything he’s gone through is “real” — if any of his actions and feelings and pain and struggling and losses and wins had any real meaning at all or was it all puppeted. It was good in this ep seeing Dean not giving up, determined to fend off or seal away the ghosts, and up yours, Chuck, but he isn’t over his sense of despair.

One of Dean’s fears here is that what’s between him and Cas isn’t real, that the things Cas did, for him, their closeness, none of that was authentic. Remember that their relationship started as *movie announcer voice* it was only supposed to be a mission...it became something more. Cas’s introduction into Dean’s life was Cas as a chess piece, sent as part of Heaven’s bigger clockwork plan.  

Dean’s entire world is caving in, and he’s not ready to see that everything Cas feels for him, Cas's deep and genuine love for him, is in fact very, scarily, in your face real.

He’s shutting himself off, he’s shutting Cas out. The feelings he has for Cas aren’t gone, but Dean’s a mess.

Interesting how this ep shows a demon ripping Ketch’s heart out of his chest, because Dean figuratively rips his own heart out of his chest in the last scene with him and Cas. He hurts someone he really REALLY doesn’t want to hurt, who he loves so so much--you can insert here a sizzle reel of 11 seasons of Dean listening to Cas, defending Cas, offering Cas shelter and protection, saving Cas’s life, caring about Cas, being there for Cas, grieving for Cas, feeling insecure about Cas, showing fondness for Cas, in one way or the other. There is so much. That doesn’t mean the relationship doesn’t have problems or their own issues and poor coping mechanisms and circumstance and familial dynamics haven’t made things difficult at times. Dean hurts Cas on the most raw, biggest fear Cas has and interestingly, the biggest fear or criticism Cas fans have about the show.

And there’s Bel—demon of marital strife—playing on Cas’s fears all throughout the ep, taking little digs about how expendable Cas is, how unimportant he is to his friends. He’s like the angel in S11 who tells Cas he’s expendable and Sam and Dean “are the real heroes.” Maybe it was part of Bel’s plan all along to have Dean and Cas divided, along with his bigger take over Hell agenda.

I’ve been saying this and saying this--while it’s valid that Dean is still hurt over what happened with Cas, Jack, and Mary, and is still, remember, rawly grieving Mary’s death which was mere DAYS AGO—it’s also not actually what it’s about, and it’s not even entirely about Dean’s Chuck-induced despair, although that ground falling away is what’s pushing things to this point. What it’s actually about underneath is Dean and Cas and their relationship. Years of unresolved Dean and Cas issues. I sure called that one. Dean’s fears. Cas’s fears. Dean’s abandonment issues, Cas’s leaving, Dean’s fears of losing Cas, Cas’s fears of not being loved, Dean’s fears of Cas not loving him the way he loves Cas. 

One thing that is so so tragic about Dean’s despair is that just last season, Dean reached a point of self-like. Liking who he is, who he’s becoming, the family he’s chosen. Being good with his life.

And then boo the crushing reveal that Chuck was manipulating their circumstances all this time. Which doesn’t mean Chuck was controlling them or their decisions or feelings. But Dean doesn’t feel that way.

Which, emotional horror that this is, also just serves to show just how much Cas actually means to him, how important Cas is. This big Destiel drama and hurt and pain rises from Dean and Cas loving each other and being in love and being complete and utter dumbasses. It hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. Their friendship has been mostly functional. Their love story is a car wreck. If Cas wasn’t so important, all this emotional horror wouldn’t be taking place. Dean and Cas’s relationship right now is a lightning rod for the fallout on pretty much everything.

And it’s really strong, and it’s going to endure this, but not without taking some hits to the bow.

On Cas’s part, Cas isn’t in a great headspace but he’s in a less self-destructive and harmful and despairing headspace than Dean. He has grown a lot and I think a few seasons ago, Cas would have endured, looked grim and said nothing, and stayed. He would stay doubting himself, or stay thinking Dean is really unfair, but he’d stoically take it. But not this time, and Cas did the only thing he could now. He had to leave. There’s only so much hurt he can take and Dean is shutting him out and not listening to him. 

Here’s the twist about Cas. He both does and doesn’t believe Dean is speaking his truth. Cas’s gutted, shocked face at what Dean says brings Dean up short, it’s so raw. Dean’s realization of OH F*CK WHAT DID I JUST DO comes instantly, both from his own words ringing in his ears and from Cas’s reaction. The thing about Cas’s reaction, is that it has a bit of “oh you did not JUST” to it, where I think maybe Cas knows this is total BS and Dean is full of it but Cas also believes it. Cas feels like a failure. He feels like he has failed everyone. And now here’s Dean, his favorite person in the actual literal universe, telling him he is. Blaming him, when Cas knows intellectually that it isn’t actually all Cas’s fault, but nobody blames Cas for things more than Cas himself does.

This jacks right back into all of Cas’s deepest fears about not belonging. About being lonely. About being expendable and the afterthought in Team Free Will. One thing I’ve pointed out over and over is part of Cas’s drive to protect Jack is needing to be needed. Dean and Cas is not a parallel relationship to Sam and Dean, it wasn’t formed the same way, it doesn’t function the same way. They are very very close, but there also is no Sam to Cas’s Dean, until Jack. This is not about seeking or needing a codependent relationship. Putting it more baldly, while there’s a brothers-in-arms aspect to Dean and Cas, they are not sibling bonds/like-sibling bonds/parent-child like bonds, Dean and Cas are lovers, spouses, chosen not-actually-platonic life-mates, they are coded as a couple or as spousal over and over. Strip that layer out and trying to meta this becomes a lot of “but why??” 

The answers are simple. Don’t strip out the subtext, and the by now textually-level implied nature of Dean and Cas’s relationship. Which doesn’t mean I am saying it’s been consummated, but it also is what it is.

I’ve also pointed out how Cas’s immortality offers him the emotional horror of being the survivor, of Sam and Dean dying and Cas losing them and living forever onward without them. Ironically, becoming so attached to Sam and Dean fed his loneliness, because now he has that fear of losing them and living on forever without them.

Cas too has done a lot of growing, and like Dean, just last season showed how far he’d come. In Cas’s case, when he voiced that he knew Sam and Dean were there for him, and that Cas realized that he was enough. But as with Dean, those deepest shadows and insecurities don’t just magically go away and Cas still fears that he doesn’t mean to Sam and Dean what they mean to him and Cas, right now, feels like a failure to everyone he loves. Shoulder tap from another Dean and Cas parallel—“you fight and you fight for this family, but they don’t need you, not like you need them” which the YED used to taunt Dean way back when.

No matter how much Cas might understand about what Dean really feels, or about his own actual culpability, I don’t see how Cas could do anything now but walk out. Cas has never left Dean because he needed to leave Dean, because staying with Dean hurt too much. Cas has had to leave Dean, or left Dean, at various points for various reasons and it was never because he personally needed to leave because of his Dean feelings. Cas has had to leave because of world-saving stakes angel business missions, or because he was captured, or brainwashed, or murdered, or because his own headstrong decisions resulted in events that separated them, or he was protecting their son Jack. It wasn’t because Cas wanted to leave. Cas doesn’t want to leave now but he also needs to, personally. 

The fact that Cas so candidly stated those fears here startled me. I was hopeful for more emotional candidness, but this is even farther than I’d hoped. This is going to the root. And yes it is incredibly exciting.  As emotionally horrifying as this storyline is, the purpose is to move things forward to an even better place. This arc isn’t here for destruction. Things are being shaken out big time and it’s only going to make the bonds stronger once things are worked out. There’s already been a string of big moments in the show’s history showing just how deeply Cas is loved, and how much Dean loves him. If you were waiting for even more verification, just wait for it.

What’s also leaving me SHOOK is how very very very SPECIFIC this is. There’s a reason my Dean individual meta and my Cas individual meta is all mashed together here in a post that veers into talk about how Destiel is real. It’s things like this that show me recent SPN is serious as a heart attack about Destiel. Even if they can’t make it overt. I think a distinction needs to be made between overt/not-overt vs canon/not-canon. Destiel being non-overt doesn’t make its intention and its presence in the story not-canon. But my main point, this final scene isn’t about Team Free Will or a collective “how Cas feels about humanity.” This is unambiguously about Dean, and about Cas, and about Dean & Cas and their long relationship, and SPN is really f*cking serious about how important this is to both of them and how important it is to the show’s story.

[dawnmads]

WANTED CONNECTIONS / PLOT WISHLIST !!

hi everyone! so like i said in the discord i’m looking to start developing stronger plots that are a little more complex. i figured making a list for each of my characters would make it easier to develop these instead of asking, because asking for them directly makes me kind of nervous. so if you find any of these interesting, would like to talk some over or have other ideas please message me!

DAWN

the enemy/frenemy— while dawn is perceived generally as being the ‘nice girl’ at the malnati i think it would refreshing to have someone dislike her? maybe they dislike her because they think her personality is fake? or maybe it bothers them that dawn seems to be little miss perfect. never the less this person doesn’t like dawn & will make side comments at her expense. whether she knows if they dislike her can be up to you.

the bad influence— with dawn being kind of a goody two shoes most of the time it would be nice to have a bad influence on her. someone who tries to get her to drink too much or maybe tries to get her to do things she wouldn’t normally do on her own accord. maybe gives her advice that might not be the smartest move for her? this could be just a harmless, fun-loving individual that doesn’t realize what they’re doing or maybe they have malicious intentions. regardless dawn is doing things that are a little ooc.

the ‘sort of’ ex— this person might have gone on a date or two with dawn but nothing ever came out of it. maybe one of them ghosted the other & they never talked about why it happened? now the two of them are awkward around each other and maybe make subtle jabs about their failed attempt at dating.

the school bully— this person would need to have been a chicago native who went to school either with or around dawn. maybe they have a reason for teasing her in high school but has now grown into a better person or maybe they’re still stuck in their old high school ways & picture dawn as the dorky, ugly duckling she was back in the day. having them at the malnati is really stressful for dawn.

her brother— you can find this connection on the wanted connections page on the main but basically I have been dreaming about having her brother (nick robinson fc preferably, but I will compromise for you my loves ) at the malnati. the two of them were extremely close. her brother christopher was super protective over her. anywhere he went he would bring dawn to tag along. the two shared their hopes & dreams. chris is one of her only family members that dawn feels connected to. his backstory can be up to you but he was very popular in high school ( also very best friends with @jackscnallen ) but would always try to make dawn feel included even if it wasn’t her type of crowd or social scene. 

TREVOR 

the ex girlfriend— whom i call the ‘queen bee’ is trevor’s ex from back home in rosa, oklahoma ( the fictional small town trevor is from ). the two were the classic high school sweethearts: captain of the football team & head cheerleader. prom king and queen. cutest couple. you name it they got it. everyone from their small town assumed they would graduate, get married then start a family.. including trevor. when he had planned on popping the big q he found a note that she had ran away to chicago to pursue her dreams that were unattainable in rosa. he followed her to the city to win her back but was unable to find her. he settled at the malnati & has been happy ever since. now she is back. maybe she wants trevor back or maybe she doesn’t, but old feelings still linger between them.

the flirt— trevor is currently spoken for, but this doesn’t stop this connection from trying to make a move. whether it’s because trevor’s gorgeous-ness is too much to resist or they like stirring the pot, but this person is doing just about everything in their power to make his relationship difficult. whether it be late night invitations to their suite or disregarding his relationship status this person wants to get with trevor. 

the rowdy boys— it’s no secret trevor isn’t the most relaxed malnati resident. he likes to show his wild side & break the rules every once in awhile if it means having a little fun. this connection could be anywhere from 1-3 other characters that like to let loose with him. going to the bar? always down. cliff jumping? count them in. pranks around the hotel? absolutely. if people saw them all together they knew to turn around because something wild is going to happen. **note doesn’t have to be boys that’s just what they call themselves

fight night— trevor is not everyone’s cup of tea. he knows that just as much as anyone. this connection cannot stand trevor whether that be his rowdy & mischievous antics or because of his southern disposition. the two have never physically fought... yet. but there is a storm brewing & everyone knows it. ( elevator fight part 2? )

collage friends— trevor is applying to collages around chicago & is going to need help because, frankly, school has never really been his thing. whether it is studying for tests together or helping him apply for school this person is one of the very few that know what new leaf he is turning over. he doesn’t know what he wants to major in or if school is even what he wants to do. but his parents are pushing him & without this person’s help he might crash & burn.

[theclownprnc-arch]

OOC or IC, thoughts on the comic shortly after Death in the Family where Joker "loses the joke" and ends up literally triggered & upset by his old Red Hood & a crowbar. :3

I’m always a sucker for Joker showing signs of vulnerability, so issue #450 was totally right up my alley! Well, though the parts with the impostor were getting quite tiring with him asking “GET IT?” after each bad pun.

But! Back to the topic. I think the aspect of Joker losing his wicked sense of humour and failing to crime fun anymore is interesting to explore on its own. A similar route was taken in The War of Jokes and Riddles, where Joker was a grumbling mess and his whole characterisation was revolving around him not considering anything funny, and if you ask me, the execution of this idea there was... lacklustre, to put it mildly.

As irksome as he was at times, the fake Joker in #450 kind of served as a new point of view for the actual Joker, who could partly see how others may be perceiving him. Of course, what hurt his already bruised ego more were all the terrible jokes used as the base for the impostor’s crimes.

Perhaps it wasn’t so extensive, but we were given this insight into what may bring the clown prince closer to — all in all — an existential crisis. Like, he isn’t really trying to make other people laugh. What matters is that he finds what he does funny. But when he’s already feeling like he’s lost the joke and the headlines of newspapers are calling him out for being unfunny because someone’s out there tarnishing his reputation? That’s no good.

What was a little surprising to me was the fact that he still kept the red hood. I also liked how he put it on and grabbed the crowbar to find his footing again, but instead, it sent him into this “darker” place. It’s up for interpretation. However, my take on this is that once again he was repulsed by the past, even the not so distant one (given he also got the Jason Todd flashback).

Looking back at this issue, I wish the modern comics could scratch beneath the surface and deliver the Joker, who’s still human and not some ominous concept without an iota of fear.

Let the clown freakin’ lose it.

[tongue-tied-ties]

I finally got through all 200,000 words of that freaking epilogue and GOD HAVE MERCY I SHOULD HAVE WENT CANDY AND THEN MEAT.

Overall though, I like it. I like it alot! I mean there are some things I feel weird about which like.......aren’t the things everyone else feels weird about apparently.

SPOILERS BELOWWWWW~!!!!

So it’s alot easier to get out of the way what I am weirded out about than to explain the many things I did like. 

- I feel weird about the xenophobia thing and how it’s being treated. Like it’s being treated like a huge issue but like non-issue all at once?? I guess that’s because from John’s perspective he’s just too busy being weirded out or suffering to truly get involved. Like I sincerely hope nobody on the team thinks standing by in a situation like this is a valid stance in any way. But it also happens in real life so like, I get it. I think this bothers me because these kids were heroes. But also they were heroes out of necessity and because they were main characters. Like that’s honestly it. They had a mission and fulfilled it and they were hailed as heroes.

- Hussie presenting xenophobia as both a joke and a serious issue and sometimes it’s hard to tell what position the comic is trying to take which makes me uncomfortable. 

- I think it’s in character, but I hate that Karkat alone had to defend himself every time Jane was being the #worstTM. I hate that Roxy just standing by knowing good and well these are the stakes every single time was never fully addressed. I wish somebody sat our beautiful bae Roxy to let them know that like this is shitty too?? Like you saying this is simply politics when a literal extinction is happening is shitty why didn’t anyone tell them that in stone cold, super serious terms for the love of GOD it bothered me so much. 

- Alright anytime Dirk used any sort of like reddit NiceGuy Are you triggeredTM 4-chan bullshit language it turned me all the way off. Like incel, beta, cuck?? Misgendering our void icon?? Yea. Cancelled but also not cancelled because I haven’t been this shook or excited over a villain in so long.

- Gamzee. Just...yikes all around. I’m not sure how I feel.

- JAKE DESERVED BETTER. HE REALLY FREAKING DID JUST SAYING. JAKE DIDNT DESERVE THIS MADNESS. Omfg i never hated anyone as much as I did Dirk when he snapped Jake’s psyche in half forcing him to love Dirk. It was so fucking iconic though and I’m still mad y’all. So many feelings. Oh god and when Jane like........did him wrong?? What le fuck? Jake i’ll be your friend, come here mate. Please let me hug my boi who I didn’t stan before but i stan now.

- Those kids.....I love those kids give them a good future, please. I’m begging hussie let John be a good father.

- I think the kids grew because they were with each other, and they fact they didn’t stay together and let each other be isolated kinda makes this make sense to me but it does feel like with some characters the growth went out the window. But also....people can regress especially if they stop after like one epiphany or whatever, so I see how this happened.

- Dave redirecting what should have been the core political issue (freaking extinction/controlled population of exclusively the trolls) to the economy every single time. Like Dave baby you were never the most racially sensitive dude (coming from a black girl who watched you say negrocity, call black people not shining shoes revolutionary (which could be read as irony in context but still) in the same rap, which, YIKES!) but like try please?? Hussie freaking fix this.

- I oddly feel weird about them getting rid of their flesh bodies for their ultimate forms and I’m not sure why but I honestly don’t want all bots. I can’t even explain that in a way that makes sense.

- Jade. Like....everything she did was a big yikes and honestly I’m reading the main story again to see if there was a character trait that led to her behavior. Cuz Dirk literally always had an overbearing personality and it was never truly addressed leading to what happened. Jane never really stopped with the whole business and control thing and she never really seemed to care for the trolls one way or another so I can kinda see it.

- Honestly?? I’m happy for the form of happiness that some characters had but MAN was it just the slowest most excruciating march towards that end. In candy, it felt like I was literally feeling John’s twilight-zone stir-crazy rise up in me as I read through. I think a “benefit” from reading Meat first is that like.....damn I ended up agreeing with Dirk. Like all of this shit was largely avoided and addressed sooner when Dirk was in charge and I hate/love that I’m saying this! Like what the hell y’all that's so brilliant to me. In Meat, I just.....wanted them to be free to make their own choices and when I was nearing the end in Candy, I realized they weren’t so damn isolated and I was happy that some of them finally got to heal.

To segue into I liked it starts on the same point my dislikes end.

 - I felt so frustrated by everything that was happening which.....dear God is great writing because if I was John feeling this for years instead of the solid day it took me to get through Candy I’d be handling it way worse than John. I almost wished that Dirk would come in and take charge because they were just.....fucking up on every level. With Meat, I wanted what was in Candy and I wanted them to have their fucking free will to choose instead of these awful circumstances Dirk forced them to be in.

- DAVE. DAVE. DAVE. Fuck I love dave just so much, he felt the most home to me the entire time. When he fought back in Meat to make his own choices I was so proud of him. When he decided to join the revolution I was proud of him, when he finally admitted he was gay I was proud of him. When he just existed and seriously thought about what he wanted and needed to work through he felt like he authentically was trying to figure himself out the entire time in both Meat and Candy and I was so proud of him. Honestly will always have my heart.

- NUBS MCSHOUTY. From awkward bottom to rebel leader he is just a breath of fresh air every time he speaks because it is always a freaking mood. LIke yes, the extinction of your people is awful and you should say it. Yes, people who stand by and just sidetrack the conversation into semantics is awful and you should freaking say it. Yes! Yes! Yes! omfg. YOU ABSOLUTE FREAKING ICON

- Dirk. I.....ugh I know this is controversial but I love everything that happened. Our Dear walking God complex becomes literal God and it all goes to hell. Our friend the control freak, controlling the narrative when he reaches his ultimate form. Ou dear Dirk who always needs something to fix horribly fixes the narrative. When he revealed himself and said “but you already know that don’t you” in his iconic yellow text color me FREAKIN SHOOK. Like literary reveal of the gods (specifically this god ha). Nothing will shake me the same holy shit I was horrified and the horror never stopped. Omfg shook Dirk just freaking shook. So since I read meat first I was like “holy cow was he always like this?” But like, the one dirk that was decent freaking killed himself with his last wish being for relevance and like.....of course he’s like this?? It’s Hal, Caliborn, ARDirk, Brain Ghost Dirk and Dirk One who honestly was only half decent most of the time. All of these pretentious beings in one? Oh yea edge lord self masturbatory train dead ahead. AND I LOVED IT, the absolute fear and horror as he took the narrative back from Calliope was horrifying, his increasing disdain after the reveal, the moment he forced Jake to fuck everything up for the resistance was ICONIC oh my god I was so here. I was loving it so much I was scared I was being controlled by Dirk.

- Jake was always passive and like.....it manifested so bad. I mean I thought he stepped up when he finally, defeated the felt crew but like....of course, one battle isn’t going to solve a lifetime of posing and passivity. I don’t know why I never considered the horrible implications. I do wish he grew a full spine in one of the epilogues.

- Regardless of how I perceived her in canon, Epilogue!Jane was never painted as a hero ever. THANK GOD cuz Epilogue Jane is doing some really bad stuff.

- Roxy - our voidey babe exploring their gender identity and deciding in both that they don’t care for their assignment in some way, valid. Having all stages of their identity and the stages respected (in what I viewed as a great and fully addressed way as a cis black girl) is surprisingly refreshing when I look at Roxy alone and not the transphobic stuff Dirk was doing which was icky and Caliborn-ish.

- Rose and Kanaya being happy in Candy. Like it seemed so OOC but Rose also was literally dealing with something that ENTIRE TIME. When she was little it was the alcoholism of her mother, when she was in paradox space it was from horror demons to literal death, to life-threatening situations to being the seer she needed, to her own substance problem etc etc. Being non-essential freed her from that and we got to witness her still be the badass, freedom fighter she became. And I just love the thing she chose without needing to, without absolute necessity, was to raise their daughter AND fully immerse themselves in troll revolution against an oppressive regime. Fuck yes Rose, you deserve some fucking peace without debilitation or circumstance. Rose in Meat shall never be spoken of because that is so so so sad honestly. She was dying and like...Dirk took advantage of that which is tactically freaking genius considering Rose is usually who can pull these dorks together into action but damn Dirk.

- Fuck you know what I’m gonna say it. Dirk is the best villain holy shit he is honestly, truly smart and manipulative and somehow charming in this sick sick way God I hate/love him right now. I’m.....omfg still shook.

- I honestly just loved how intertwined it is, how twilight-zone/gritty it felt. Every literary craving I didn’t know I was having was fed and in the best/worst way. I’m hooked and here for wherever this is going. Also, I typed it above and I’ll type it again. I didn’t realize it but these kids, while they ascended as Gods were not heroes. I don’t think the kids really cared about their denizens much ever in canon. They fulfilled their mission and we handed them the hero stamp because we’ve followed their story. They are simply people who had a mission to fulfill and did that mission in whatever capacity you choose. They are ultimately really flawed human beings who were traumatized to hell and back with no real devices on how to deal with it properly. Of course, when you give flawed humans God powers, a world to rule over and nobody really holding anyone accountable bad things are bound to happen. They grew because they were in a situation where they had to and they were removed too soon for them to keep that growth. Fanfic or not, canon or not, essential or not, I think these are valid outcomes, within the context of who they are.

[kaiju-z]

Seon Adventures Episode 23:  Blood and Cherry

Following the cliffhanger of Amelia and the rest of the party literally and figuratively bumping into her sister... we carry on into the conversation that happens.

Sabrina, Sab for short, as it is learned, is the younger sister of Amelia, who at one point in her life had lived under the name, or nickname “DeeDee”. Something Sab is understandably confused about Luctan refers to Amelia as such.

When last the two had met, it was 7 years ago, when Sabrina was 7 years of age, when they were seperated by tragic means. In the time since, she had grown into a strong, 18 year old spellcaster, as she performed some of her evocation magic for the party to witness.

It’s hard to tell what class she may be, as Luck notes in his mind, but at the very least he can tell it’s not Divine type.

Smoothing over some perceived sleights, as the two hadn’t reconnected since the incident that seperated them, Luctan explains that Amelia had confided in him her worries and goal of searching, of finding her little sister. Which would be Sabrina. Persuasive as he is, he convinces her of the Air Genasi Monk’s determination and the two ladies hug it out and we get introduced to Sab’s familiar, a very lovely little weasel.

A promise is made to rendevouz later at the Tabernax tavern later, after they each finish their respective job for the day.

As they part ways, Amelia gets a pep talk from the party as the revelation comes that she has a severe case of Imposter Syndrome, having to have kept her own issues to herself. Believing that she had to decrease, as everyone else had to increase their own issues’ level.

That is not the case though, as Luck, Mournimar and Belli make it clear to her. It’s not the case as her own situation and the need to find a balance is just as important as the rest’s.

Promissing to discuss things later, the five and their pets carry on into the rounded out area of the South-Eastern part of town, on the outer wall’s side.

Three buildings in particular stand out to everyone. A Pottery Shop, named “Straight to the Paint ‘, an old house and an Orphanage right next to it.

Luctan’s lack of knowledge of herbalism aside.. A decision is made on how they should handle the establishments.

Luck takes the executive decision to split the party up in 3 teams:

Team 1: Luck and Ficus take to the Pottery shop.

Team 2: Amelia and Mournimar, to investigate the old house.

Team 3: Malak and Belli to have a chat with the heads of the Orphanage.

Learn information, apply that information, reunite and solve the case of the mysterious lightning strikes!

And so they go!

Luctan, making a promise to Belli to buy pot, goes and gets her a flower pot. And paints.(Poor low Int Roll, yaaay!) Charming the shop owner with his words, complimenting his youthful appearance and all that, Luctan learns a bit of info, before he decides to go Assassin’s Creeding up the roofs:

The gnome shopkeeper, having spoken to Mr. Greg, two doors down had come to learn that the old man kept finding left over snacks in his spare room. Quite odd. Crumbs? Maybe a rat infestation, the guard aren’t interested. He complained that someone talked from his chimney. But no one could be found.

On the opposite side of the street, the chimney of Mr. Tim was taken out in one of the lightning strikes. Frankly, the Gnome suspects that, based on whispers around town, The Storm God Dahktot was responsible in some way, maybe the involvement of a cult was in play?

Losing a fight to a fly, aside, Luctan doesn’t get any info or perception on what’s going on from the top of the buildings.

Amelia and Mournimar have far much better, well, Luck, in this situation than Luctan as they confront the owner of the house (you know, after Mournimar suggests breaking in). They meet the legend himself, Old Greg, a crotchety old man in his 80′s, who complains to them about rats in the guest room upstairs.

Guy has a shitty day. As usual. Fucking kids.  He hates them kids.  Little brats in the spare room get hella loud.  He’s such a crotchety bastard. But the suspicion does arise that kids from the Orphanage may be involved somehow.

Mourni figures the vibes in the house are spooky. Old house and magical energy coming form upstairs, one part in particular. Though...  The room doesn’t appear to have anything off about it. The dust is lighter, like there used to be a bed and it smells like rotting food.

The two most perceptible in the party notice that there’s a small circle with markings, scribbled out and redrawn repeatedly. Mournimar notices the angle and his eyes are drawn to the fireplace, the wall shared with the orphanage and there is a loose brick hanging off of it.

Mournimar investigates the loose brick.  He takes a peek and can notice, in the dark of it, a pressure point. While he fiddles with the bricks, Amelia gives a closer look to the runes carved into the floor. They sadly are unreadable, but one is always the same. Amelia has no idea.

As the two talk actions,  Amelia agrees that Mourni should press the button.

Clunking sounds. He holds down the button. Eventually there’s a shifting and the bricks at the back of the fireplace separate and open up... and  Mournimar essentially breaks into an orphanage. 

There’s a single bed in the room. Pretty plane room, there’s a propped up piece of wood. A bag under the bed and the bed is fairly small.

Casting Pass Without a Trace, Mournimar sneaks inside. He finds a thick heavy book within the sack, beneath the bed. It’s compex in design, intricate and it’s lead bound back. Black, with a fire pattern at the bottom.

There’s a detailed drawing of the ritual circle in the bedroom they started with. With a combined effort, the two make a copy of the ritual circle. And Mournimar draws a detailed map of the building and circle.

The runes are clearer and neater, the main one repeated is the symbol for Conjuration.  They figure they should warn the old man. Mourni makes sure the close the door behind himself. Walking back, they do see a picture of a younger Greg, in a canoe.

They try to explain the situation to him, but the old guy pulls a dagger on them, ‘cause he’s startled by the cult shit book. Amelia lies it’s a cake and he buys it.

Back with Belli and Malak, the two go do dad and totally normal daughter activities. Just two bros, hanging out, going to an orphanage.

There’s a chiming. An older Firbolg lady opens the door. The story is that they’re here to play music for the kids. Belli pays attention for weird shit. Malak gives her Guidance. “You’ve got this. They’re just kids.”

There are toys all over the place. Very much homemade.

After the ringing of a bell, 15 kids in a swarm enter the room. (Roll for initiative, j/k).

They kind of, a few of them walk right up to Belli and one of the youngest is in the Firbolg’s arms, as it’s too young. A few sit down as Malak introduces Belli.

“ Wow, are your teeth real?!” asks one child and Belli confirms, as she is an Olf/Erc (Half Orc/Half Elf). The question is raised as the baby in the Firbolg’s arms is asl oa Half-Orc. His little tusks being all nubby and the like as he nibbles on her blue dress’ shoulder.

The kids ask about Malak’s axe and he shows it off, safely, for the kids. A few try to climb Malak to get to the axe, ‘cause that shit’s sick.

The lady introduces herself as Doreen. The head of this Orphanage.

As Belli begins entertaining children with magic and song, Malak converses with Doreen. She has a brother, who left recently. She’s been taking care as best she can of the kids, rough life and the like. Heartend, Malak gives her 10 gold. This will feed them for a while. Grateful for the kind deed, she asks if she can repay him somehow.

Malak asks about the lightning strikes, Belli offers practical lessons. “"Who wants to learn some practical skills?! we can start with knitting and then get to fire!" Seriously, Belli’s gonna blow these kids’ minds.

Doreen guides Malak upstairs and leads him to a room upstairs. There’s a desk in one part of the room, multifunctional, a calendar and stuff.  There’s a single painting of a lake. This is Doreen’s room and her office space. Work place, dinner table and the only place she can get some privacy.

She’s still carrying Dave.

Malak scans the room with Detect Magic. A ring of Protection is on the table, given to Doreen by her late husband. 

"So kids anyone wants to learn magic or how to play an instrument", goes Belli downstairs.

Questioned about anything off recently, Doreen admits she’s been worrying about Cedric, one of the boys. He was attached to her brother and he never wants to talk to Doreen like with her brother.

It’s probably more of a personality thing. Malak learns that they got on like a house on fire. He was blunt with the kids and Cedric responded well to that.

“"Anyone want to fly? you have to be lighter then ten pounds"”

She mentions that Lord Arwen had come to visit, at least, mentions him by description. She didn’t trust him, though. He was asking similar questions, about the lightning and the children. He focused more on her, thinking she was doing something wrong.

By this point,  Belli has taught the kids “Baby Shark”.

Not all the kids are enthusiastic, though. One of the older kids, 7-8 year old being the loner. Slouching, hands in pockets. Belli talks with the boy, who introduces himself as Cedric.

He doesn’t know music and Belli tells him that’s ok. The two end up bonding over the ridicilously chonky boy that is Orion, the Familiar (and we make Sprinkle jokes ooc).

Good times.

Cedric admits he has a “friend”.

Bad times.

Her name is Cherry and he claims she’s not doing well.

They could always go and visit her, suggests Belli. But, according to Cedric, Doreen said they have to leave her alone.

Malak eventually rejoins Belli as she tells tales of the party’s adventures.

Mentioning Cherry to Doreen, Doreen can all but stare in confusion, having no fucking clue who that is.

Belli, followed by Malak, goes to check Cedric’s room and knocks. “Just a minute!” calls Cedric from inside.

Malak opens the door. He’s kneeling down in front of his bed, poured open a sack of his belongings and tears are welling up in his eyes.

And there we have it.

Mournimar stole his tome.

They ask about the book. They ask about Cherry.

Cherry’s real, but he gave her that name, because her skin’s the color of cherries.

“She’s not a tiefling. She, um.  She’s real and his friend, not feeling great, but doesn’t live here. “ Belli offers her services. Cedric explains that he’s been trying to summon her. And has killed cats and mice. All these storms that keep happening? It’s due to his failure.

Last time he heard her was a few nights back. She keeps wanting him to try until he does. She hasn’t told him right now where she is.

“She’s from the Feymind Zits- Err... Flaming Pitts?!”

Taking a knee, Malak has an “ I’ma be real with you, chief.” moment with the lad.  And he and Belli talk sense into the sad boy. Making him promise not to try and summon her anymore.

“You deserve better than someone, who only talks to you to get you to do something.” - Words of Wisdom by one, Belli Narah.

Malak asks if anyone else knows about the book, where he got the book from (no and Cherry, she taught him how to make it and stuff).

Can you tell me, as best you can remember, what the book looks like?”Black with a fire pattern at the bottom. It looks old, but the pages are still strong.

With Cedric’s promise, Belli passes some things over to him. Her Lute, as well as a piece of Platinum. She encourages him and gives him a gameplan to become a Bard. Making him, essentially, her apprentice.

They share a hug and the youngster gets a headpat.

“ Learn from Freddy Orcury’s works. “

Ignore Cherry, tell her to Fuck off. Cedric promisses to do this.

The party soon reunite in the center of the circle, after Belli and Malak take chase after the book. And bumping into Amelia and Mournimar, with Luctan and Ficus coming down from the roof after that.

The party  discuss what’s what and the options they have. Suggestions to outright burn the book are brought up, with Luctan pointing out that they should probably hand it over to Lord Arwen as proof of their work here.

This is essentially the tome of a Warlock. As in. Cedric had accidentally made a contract with a Fiend and become a Pact Of The Tome Warlock. Belli remembers a spell that transports people through planes, one of these spells has to do with it.

Thinking fast, right before the party make their leave, Belli transformed Orion into a fly and sent him to watch over young Cedric,in case something went down.

As the six head back to the spires to have their business transaction, Luctan is positively glowing over the party’s team work!

The talk is had and the party trade the tome for the agreed upon sum and extra for the tome, wich each party member getting 10 platinum pieces.

As we head off to study in the library for our Cherry exam, Lord Arwen mentions that Mountainsteel may have work for us. As he’s on our schedule, that may still occur...?

We go to the Lady Stormweaver National Library. Has a nice plack, marble stone ‘n  shit. Grand old building. It’s about the same size as the Echosmith Hall, so it’s a damn big building.

Walking in, there’s a hole in the ceiling with further floors up there.

After conversing with a gnomish man of age, named Podin, the party plans on what research materials to take.

Malak finds that there’s a demonic tome on the 3rd floor, which he learns from a tiefling woman that it once belonged to someone called “ Golgordonix”, an evil dragon, who , who attacked these lands a century ago. His tome, gifted to him by one of the 9 hells.

While the rest go to do their own research, be it about the Flaming Pits, Pacts and the like, we come to an end to the session.

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